Ben Cartwright watched the dancing around the big barn with a gentle smile. It was good to see all his neighbours and friends together under one roof. He looked across at his host. Tom Henderson, a fellow wagoneer, up on the makeshift stage, dressed in a red silk shirt, calling all the fancy stepping in time with the band beside him. Tom, his two sons both fiddlers, and John Jacobs, the old timer on the big bass had all come west on the wagon train. They were all celebrating a twenty-five year anniversary party for the founders of the local communities around the Northern tip of Lake Tahoe, and it was a roaring success. Near on a hundred bodies bounced and jigged in time to the music, or stood round the edge of the barn, drinking punch, or holding plates of food from the buffet at the rear of the huge barn. It was wonderful to have these get-togethers, meet old friends, reminisce about the old days and the privations of the wagon train.
“Ben...Ben Cartwright isn’t it?” came a deep voice beside him. The Rancher turned to see a ruddy faced man in his late fifties, with balding gray hair, and a neat well-trimmed beard and moustache. It took him a couple of minutes to recognise the black-suited man, until he saw the dog-collar.
“Reverend Miller.....Good Lord, where have you been all these years? My it’s good to see you again.....”
“You too Ben, heard you’ve done well for yourself, but then, you were always a hard worker, and a fair man. I’m glad too see you’ve been able to reap the rewards of your dream.”
“Thank you George, tell me just where have you hidden yourself all this time?”
“Up towards Winnemurra, I have a small but eclectic congregation that have made my life one of fulfilment and understanding, and I thank God everyday for such a rewarding life.”
“And Mrs. Miller, Theresa...”
“Mrs. Miller is just fine, and my daughter is over there, talking to that big fellow with the full plate, He looks a mite familiar, but I’m not sure....”
Ben glanced to where the Reverend was pointing to a beautiful, young woman, slim, dressed in a light green cotton gown, with sprigs of white flowers and white hand-crafted lace around the collar and sleeves. Her hair was a fine wheat-blonde, and her up-turned nose matched her happy mouth as she chatted animatedly with the tan waist-coated cowboy beside her.
Ben gave a little laugh, “You should recognise that young man, he spent many a day making mud-pies with your daughter George. That’s Hoss.....”
“Really? Well, we knew he was going to be big, Hello, who’s this fellow?” The Reverend looked up to see a curly haired youngster, heading towards them, two cups of punch in his hand, his green eyes shining brightly after exchanging a joke with one of the dancing ladies as she swung away with her partner for the reel in progress.
“Arr....this is my youngest son Joseph, he was born here, Nevada born and bred.”
“Ohh Ben, I’m so glad you re-married after Inger’s death. Your boys sorely needed a mother. Is your wife here also?”
“No, Marie gave me six short wonderful years, and a rascal of a son here, before she died in a riding accident.”
“Ohh Ben, I’m so sorry, so you have three sons now.”
“Yes, thank you Joe.” Ben took one cup and handed it to the Reverend who politely refused. “Ohh, yes...sorry, you’re tee-total, how could I forget. Joe, meet Reverend George Miller, the man who took care of our souls between St. Joseph and here. Had quite the job too.....”
“Joe, pleased to meet you.” The Reverend held out a firm hand, Joe took it with a wide smile and shook it heartily.
“Reverend, pleasure to meet you, but you’ll have to excuse me, I have quite a full card for tonight, and I wouldn’t dare offend any of my partners. They were a tough breed of ladies to have made it across here, and man, is it reflected in their daughters...” He gave a cackle of laughter and was whisked away by two young ladies, one on either side. Ben and George laughed at Joe’s comment.
“He looks a fine boy Ben, a credit to you, and Hoss. I remember Adam being much the same. Solid, determined to walk every step of the way here. Is he here tonight?”
“Err..... yes, he’s here.” Ben said. It didn’t go un-noticed by the Reverend how Ben’s eyes clouded over as he spoke. “He’s been a wonderful support over the years, helped me build the Ponderosa to what it is today. He went back East for a few years to get himself an education. Not too many Harvard men in these parts, but Adam did well, got degrees in Architecture and Engineering. He’s been in charge of both our timber and mining operations. He still does most of the paperwork for the ranch and contract-bids. He is, and always has been more of a partner than a son in the running of the Ranch, and being so much older than the other boys, almost a second father, to Joe anyways.”
“So, where is the lad? I’d like to see him again after all these years, and after such an impressive eulogy. He certainly gave me a run for my money when he took it into his head he wanted to understand the world of religion.”
“Ohh yes, I remember now, he trailed you around like a dog with a bone, just wouldn’t let go.”
“Ohh and believe me, he got me answering some deep theological questions that I’d not had to worry about since the seminary”
“That sounds like Adam. Err...George, he...err ...he had an accident a little while back. Injured his spine, he’s mostly back on his feet now, but he’s still in a lot of discomfort. He’s not the man he was six months ago. It has taken a big toll on him, physically and mentally, his fall revolved around an affair of the heart. He was the one who lost out in a love triangle, his future wife Laura is now in San Francisco with his cousin and happily married. Adam...well....Adam has been his usual silent self about the whole thing. George, I’m worried about him, he’s just about pushed away everyone who knows, loves and respects him. Ohh he’s polite on the outside, but try and talk to him and he clams up behind that wall of his and he’s unreachable.”
The Reverend saw the pain in his silver-haired friends eyes and put his hand on his shoulder. “Let me talk to him.”
Ben sighed and nodded, and scanned the barn for his eldest son. It took a while, but he eventually saw him in a darker corner of the barn. It tore at his heart to see his once often gregarious son so silent, desolate and alone. He sighed heavily and smiled sadly at his old friend. “Why not? If anyone can get him out of this dark place he is in, maybe you can.” Ben took the Reverends arm and took him towards a tall, thin thirty five year old man with dark hair, short and well clipped, he wore black suit and white shirt with a string tie, he looked handsome, but pale, dark rings circled his eyes from illness, and he held his body stiffly, leaning heavily on a black ebony cane. He had been accosted by two elderly ladies who were looking at him in concern.
“Arr....Benjamin....I was just telling Adam he should visit the hot springs, they will do wonders for his back. It treats my arthritis wonderfully, I come back a new woman every time.”
“Thank you Mrs. Henderson, you remember the Reverend George Miller don’t you?” Ben smiled and introduced them all. “You remember the Reverend Son?”
“Ummm....? Yes, yes good to see you again.” Adam said, his deep voice dragged with fatigue, his face seemed to pale even more. “Errr....Pa....” he said quietly. “Are we going home soon?”
Ben nodded, this evening was taking a lot out of his eldest son. He knew he’d be paying for it over the next few days, most likely even confine him to his wheel-chair again. “Why don’t you and the Reverend head out to the duck pond, there is a bench out there. The Reverend wants a word.”
Adam would rather have been alone, but inborn politeness made him nod in acquiescence. Ben discreetly put his arm round his sons waist and slowly helped him walk towards the barn doors, accompanied by the Reverend, they headed to the duck pond.
Theresa watched the huge man’s eyes follow her father and his silver-haired father and the thin, sickly looking fellow struggling to walk the few steps to the door. “Who is that with your Pa Hoss?” she asked with a slight frown, seeing the pain in the gentle giants eyes.
“That’s Adam M’me,” he said huskily, “He had a bad accident a while back, he’s still getting over it. He’s been mighty sick, this is the first time he’s been out anywhere’s since.”
“That’s Adam?” she looked at his retreating back, “Ohh Hoss.....Is...is.....he going to get better.”
“We hope so M’me, he’s a shadow of his former self, he used to be strong, powerful, a force to be reckoned with. We hope he’ll get back to that. But M’me, he was confined to a wheelchair, cos he couldn’t walk, his back was that bad hurt. When he managed to get outta the chair, we all cheered, figured he was gettin’ better, then he got a real bad pneumony and rheumatic fever, we barely got him through the winter, Sure got used t’seeing Doc Martin round the house, and Adam back in his chair, the rheumatic fever set up another inflammation in his back, Doc says the pain might never fully go away.”
Theresa watched the frail body being supported, and several eyes watching his journey to the duck-pond. She prayed her Pa would be able to help him in some way.

“So Adam, your Pa says you’re getting better all the time”
“I guess.” Adam answered quietly. “Look Reverend....I know Pa wants you to have a “Word” with me, but it really isn’t necessary, I’m fine.”
“That’s not what he thinks, says you’re bottling all your pain up inside o’you and he’s worried about you.”
“Pa’s always worried about us, it’s an occupational hazard, part of the parenthood thing.” Adam sighed heavily, looking away. “So, Reverend, tell me all about your congregation, must be pretty few and far between up there.”
“Actually, they are a wonderful bunch of people, but we are changing the subject here are we not?”
Adam pulled a slight face and stared out to the swimming birds, a line of small ducklings valiantly following behind. Adam’s eyes clouded over and he struggled to get up. “It was a pleasure talking to you Reverend. Excuse me, tell Pa I’m heading home.”
“Adam.....You have to let go of Laura....just let her go.....”
“Why? .....Why should I?....... She betrayed me..........I was building her a home and she was carrying on with my cousin Will. .........I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a family, she’d taken it all from me..........all..........”
Reverend Miller narrowed his eyes, this was something far deeper than he’d first thought. There was something eating away at Adam’s soul, and torturing him far more than just the obvious physical pain.
Adam’s eyes blazed at the Reverend. “I’ve always believed in God, learnt all my scripture’s, I can quote you any verse word for word out of the Bible, even debated with some of the best theologian’s on campus at Harvard. So why? What have I done so wrong for God to Forsake me? Why has he taken everything from me? My health, all the women who have ever loved me, even my future.....Why is he doing this too me? What have I done to bring his wrath down on me so? If this is your merciful God, so benevolent and caring.....” Adam looked down venomously, “I don’t want to know anymore. If God wishes to treat me so ill, then I don’t want to believe anymore, I am as dead to him as he to me.”
Reverend Miller looked up shocked, and stood. He touched Adam’s shaking arm and pointed to a carriage ready to go. “I have a buggy. Let me take you home...” Reverend Miller said quietly. He needed to help this soul in crisis, but at present didn’t know how. He needed time to think. Only once before had he really had to work at convincing somebody about the existence of God, had to dig deep into the teaching’s he’d had at Theological School. Only once had he had his own misgiving’s, brought up by well presented arguments that God could not exist. He realised in a flash, that it had been those same hazel eye’s that had challenged him to prove God really did.
He helped Adam up into the buggy, he could feel the pain radiating from him, his body shaking in uncontrollable agony, and once more wondered himself at God’s mysterious hands, and how he dealt the cards.

The next day, the Reverend, Mrs. Miller and Theresa came to spend the day at the Ponderosa. Theresa saw Adam in his wheel-chair sat at his Pa’s desk, working on the ledgers and came and joined him.
“Hello Adam,” she said in a light, almost musical voice. “Still got your nose buried in a book I see.” she teased.
He looked up at the pretty young woman, and half-frowned.“ Glad you don’t wear those awful pig-tails anymore.” He replied. “They were always too big a temptation not to pull.” The frown gave way to a shy smile. “It’s good to see you again Theresa.” He said solemnly, with feeling.
“Good to see you too Adam.” she replied. Their eyes met for a second, before Adam’s lowered. He would not, could not let this young woman through his defences. He still felt too ill to allow himself the luxury of a companion. They all died, went away, or tried to get their hands on the Ponderosa fortune. He didn’t have the strength or the energy to put up with another broken heart. He visibly clamed up and returned to his ledgers, effectively shutting her out.
Theresa’s eyes widened and her eye-brows shot up. She was not accustomed to such behaviour from any man. But, she was after, just the daughter of a country preacher, not some high faluting rich lady, the likes of which Adam must obviously be far more at ease with.
“I’ll...err...leave you to your work then.” She lowered her own eyes, trying not to show the hurt. “Hoss promised to show me Pinecrest Ridge, if you remember, God bestowed me with a talent with paper and a little paint. Hoss says it is one of the best views of the Ponderosa from up there. I would like to thank your Pa for his hospitality by painting him a landscape.”
Adam looked up again, a spark of interest flitting across his eyes. He knew he had snubbed her and felt justly guilty. He did remember quite well how she used to draw pictures in the dust with a stick on their long march West. He also remembered how good they were too, how she used to stick her tongue out just the tiniest bit as she concentrated. It disturbed him to find the memory stirred up his feelings. He forced down the almost overwhelming emotion.
“I’m sure you will have a fine time.” He said tightly, and lowered his eyes again as Hoss came through from the kitchen, a big pic-nic hamper in his hand’s.
“C’mon then Miss Theresa, it’s quite a ride up there and ma stomach is already a rumblin’ fer this here lunch-time snack.” He grinned at her. She smiled and went with him, arm in arm.
Adam looked up. Slowly, he wheeled himself to the still open front door, and watched as the two of them drove out of the yard together in the single horse-drawn buggy. He was not the only ones watching them go. Ben, and Theresa’s mother and father waved and wished them a nice trip, then turned back to the corral fence where they watched Joe school some of the horses they had only recently brought in from the slopes high above them, green-broke, but as yet un-trained for the Army Contract they had been captured for.
Adam swallowed hard. His depression deepening, he was incapable of taking a pretty woman buggy riding, he couldn’t work on the horses, he couldn’t work on any of the regular chores that made him an integral part of the ranch, the most he could do was the paper-work, even that seemed too much sometimes as the pain made his head swim, and his eyes burn. Doc Martin was bringing him some spectacles out to the ranch either today or tomorrow to relieve the eye-strain he seemed to suffer from since the rheumatic fever. If only something as simple as spectacles could help the worst consequences of that damnable fever, unconsciously he rubbed at his chest. The Do had said his heart had been damaged, that he would have to lead a “quiet” life from now on, avoid excitement and avoid straining the already stressed muscle. He still remembered the long, quiet talk that they’d had back at the end of the winter, as Adam lay in bed, the worst ravages of the fever over at last.
“.......Adam, I know you’re a man of the world...” the Doc had said, shifting a little on his perch on the edge of the bed, making Adam groan in pain, the Doc patted his arm in apology, and looked deep into those deep hazel eyes that had trusted him since childhood, “Heck,” He carried on, “I’ve seen you in Miss Kitty’s cat-house more’n once.”
Adam flushed a little, but narrowed his eyes, what was the Doc telling him here?
“Adam, it’s something you can’t do anymore, the pain from your back, and the strain on your heart would be too much. Probably even kill you. I mean, I know you are not involved with anyone at the moment, but when you are better, and back on your feet again...” Adam had snorted in disbelief. “.....Oh you will be, you’re not the type of man to succumb so easily as that, but what I’m saying Adam is, your heart is damaged, the medication you are on, is for life now. If you want a love-life, then you run a very real risk of dropping dead in the process. Which would be pretty devastating to all concerned.”
Adam’s eyes had clouded and drifted away from the Doc. The physician had not wanted to tell Adam about this awful side of things, but it had to be done. Out of all of Ben Cartwright’s boy’s, Adam had always been the ladies favourite, the most eligible, educated, and from what he’d heard purred softly in the wall’s of Miss Kitty’s, the most skilled and sought after by her girls. If anyone was to give Ben grandchildren, Adam was by far the best endowed to do so.
“Doc.....” Adam said quietly, “Don’t tell Pa...or anyone else about our conversation will you?”
“If you don’t want me too, of course I won’t. I’m bound by the Hypocratic Oath remember?” the Doc had replied. “Adam, I know it has been an integral part of your life, your manhood, Hell, it’s every man’s first waking thought, and last before sleep, but there is life beyond ....you know.... Don’t let this destroy what you have left...”
Adam, sat in his chair, by the front door. Closed his eyes. “....don’t let this destroy what you have left....” there was nothing left to destroy. No life, no healthy body, no future. The tears he’d fought so long, welled up into his eyes and wouldn’t be abated, he blinked and felt them trickle down the side of his face.
“You catch chill by door....” said the voice of Hop Sing behind him, coming through to see where the draught was coming from. He felt his chair being pulled back and being turned towards the fire that still roared up the chimney to keep the cool spring air at bay. He made no objection. As Hop Sing positioned the chair in front of the fire, the sunshine glinted on the tears. He had been part of the family for so long, he knew the various boy’s moods and character’s. Adam had always had a tendency towards being the most sombre. But this was the worst depression he’d ever seen fall on the Number One boy’s spirit.
“You need find new direction for life Mister Adam, energy got nowhere to go ‘cept down, take soul down too.”
“I have no energy Hop Sing...” Adam replied slowly.
“Always have energy in brain....you got more’n anybody.” Hop Sing nodded with a sad, half smile that made Adam smile back a little at the Housekeeper
“’Cept you my friend.” he replied, and looked deep into the flames of the fire. Hop Sing shook his head, Adam was collapsing in on himself. He had to be helped soon or it would be too late.

“Ohh yes....” came Reverend Miller’s voice, as they entered the house a while later. “We have a lot of Missionaries all over the world, spreading the word of God. Incredible people, living in the depth’s of South America, the wild’s of Africa, even out to the Colonies of Australia and New Zealand.”
“Ever thought of travelling that far?” Ben asked, taking off his stetson and gunbelt at the credenza. Then helped Mrs. Miller with her wrap.
“MY God no, We did our bit twenty-five years ago, coming here. I think most folks only have one journey in life, ours was a long one, and in a way we are still journeying, but it is mostly done, our path already trod, so to speak, likewise you Ben, can’t see you picking up stick’s and moving on.”
“Oh no, my journey is done. I never want to travel again.” Ben smiled, looking up to see Adam by the fire. “Hello Adam, how is that timber-bid coming along?”
Adam didn’t seem to hear, lost in his own little world, staring deep into the flames. If he’d had an inkling of what was going through his son’s mind at that moment, timber contracts would not be the subject of conversation.
“........If I set fire to myself, at least it would be an appropriate beginning to a death in hell.....but, I wouldn’t want to endanger the family or our home......I would have to get away somehow.....find a line-shack....ADAM!” His name forced it’s way through his thought’s. He looked up to see his Pa looking at him with worried eyes. He also saw concern on the faces of the Reverend and Mrs. Miller. Had he said or done something to betray his plans??
“Adam, Son, I asked you whether you’d completed the timber bids....” Ben asked a little perturbed by his son’s lassitude.
“Ummm???.....Timber bids??.....Yes.....on..on the desk....you’d better check them.....I don’t seem to be concentrating too well today....excuse me....” He wheeled himself towards the downstairs bedroom that he had taken over after his fall so many month’s ago, when he’d still had a life....
“Are you all right Adam Dear?” asked Mrs. Miller, her slight frame, a little plumper now than during the days of the trail west.
“Yes....yes, just very tired from the festivities yesterday....I need to lie down.....
excuse me.”
He escaped to his room, knowing he was being watched by three very disturbed sets of eyes, four if he included Hop Sing who was coming through with coffee for the Rancher and his guests.
“I don’t know how to reach him anymore.” Ben sighed. He passed over a cup to Mrs. Miller and then the Preacher. “Did you have any success with him last night?”
The preacher shook his head, “No, he’s as tight-mouthed now as he was full of questions on the Wagon-train.” He didn’t tell his friend of his Son’s loss of faith in God. Ben was already beside himself, worrying about the young man.
“He shut himself away when Inger was killed.” Ben said, “When I had recovered enough from my own grief, I realised what I had done to the child, leaving him to cope with Hoss as a baby for so long, with no support. I was so tied up in my own grieving for the second time, I’d not given thought to the fact the child had his own suffering to deal with. He just bottled it all away, plodded on. The same when Marie died, I went to pieces, Adam held us all together, bottling away his own grief. He’d finally let the woman into his heart and she was ripped from us as well.”
“I don’t know how he’s coped.” Mrs. Miller murmured, “So much grief in such a short life.”
“God has given him strength my dear.” The Reverend said, giving the impression of being sublime in his faith. “I just don’t think he realises it yet.” “Nor will he if he continues to turn his back on Him.” the Preacher silently thought, shaking his head sadly.
“Well, I think God needs to get off his rear end sometime and tell the boy where he is destined, before he looses his way completely.” Mrs. Miller said, her face setting, just like it used to on the trail when they came up against an obstacle that needed moving, or a problem solving.
“Yes Dear.” the Reverend said, patting her hand, “God will show him his way.” He had to believe that, had too, or he too would be in danger of loosing his own faith.

Joe came into Adam’s room a while later with his lunch. “Pa said you were back in bed. You feeling okay brother?” He looked to see Adam closing a book with some paper in it, he’d been writing on.
“Yes, thank you.” Adam said, avoiding his brother’s bright eyes. Joe looked round the room.
“You been tidying up in here again?”
“Some....”Adam admitted, looking round in satisfaction. Everything was clean, tidy. No mess anywhere. Books were all neatly stacked. Paper in drawers, pen’s and pencil’s put away. Clothes neatly put away or hung on hooks in the wardrobe.
‘Whatcha writing?”
“Ohh, nothing.....Joe......Joe....would you be too upset if I went away for a while?”
“What, so’s you’ll get better? Go to one of those recuperative hospitals the Doc was on about?......If it takes the pain out of you, I don’t mind what you do.....hell it hurt’s me to see the pain you’re still in. Just wish there was something I could do for you......”
“I might be gone a long time....”
“Adam......I’m a grown man now, I can put away my own hurt, if I know you are going to not have to suffer anymore. Do you need help?”
“Yeah...yeah, I have it all arranged. Pa want’s to tell you all in his own way, so give him a couple of day’s, meantime....meantime....I think I would like a night away from the house, could you just drive me up to Two tree’s shack. It’s got a nice view of the Ponderosa from there.”
“Why sure Adam, it’s a while since I seen ya so all fired up about somethin’.”
Adam couldn’t help but grin at his youngest brother’s choice of words.
“All right, I’ll go hitch up the buggy....no, Hoss is out in it with Theresa. Have ta be the Buckboard.”
“That’s okay, thank you Joe.”
“You are welcome Adam, hey, ya know this must be a record ....”
“What’s that?” Adam asked indulgently of his youngest brother.
“We ain’t fought in ages....”
Adam looked at his brother, his eyes clouding over once more, He’d not been well enough to goad his youngest brother for months, and even when he was, it was no fun anymore, especially since Joe wouldn’t fight him for fear of bringing on more pain and discomfort to his eldest and most beloved brother.

Joe went and hitched up the buckboard, whilst Ben entertained his guest’s. Adam got himself dressed once more and took one last look round his room. He touched his guitar, his pale thin hand shook a little at the thought he would not ever play it again. He laid out the note addressed to his father, explaining how he could not take the pain any longer, how he could not live without a future, and that he was taking his bible, yes, the one that Rev. Miller has given him on the wagon train all those years ago. That he would try again to find God to pray to Him to give them all the strength to carry on. He begged his father for forgiveness for what he was going to do, and hoped that the Lord in his infinite wisdom would be just as absolving. “Just be glad for me Pa, if I’d been a horse, you’d have given me this welcome release month’s ago, and felt good about it. Please, release me from my agony. I don’t deserve this long, dragging living death. I love you Pa with all my heart and soul, but I just can’t take the pain anymore. Your son for always, Adam.”
Slowly, with the aid of two canes, he made his way out to the back of the house, as if he were heading to the outhouse, and then in acute pain, making him stop and frown, biting back a groan, he made his way to the waiting buckboard. Joe helped him up, and they headed on out of the yard. Adam refrained from looking back at his home for two thirds of his life. For fear of loosing his nerve.
The ride to the line shack wasn’t particularly long, and passed the vicinity of Joe’s mother’s grave.
“Do you mind if we stop Joe?” Adam asked. His pale face, ashen with fresh pain lines. Joe seeing his brother’s obvious discomfort, nodded, and stopped a little way from his Ma’s grave. He helped Adam down, and slowly, the pair of them made their way to the headstone.
“Last winter.....” Adam said, “When I was so sick with the rheumatic fever and pneumonia.....I dreamed I was buried here beside Marie.....It was a comfort you know, as though she was glad to have some company, glad she could share this beautiful spot with me. I felt at home here Joe....” tears crept out from under his eye-lashes and he had to take a deep breath to keep it all under control. Joe saw the tears, and was shocked. To see Adam cry....Adam looked up. “Sorry Joe,” He said quickly, wiping away the tears. “Just sometimes the pain gets so bad......”
“Do you want me to take you back home?”
“NO !....No, not at all, I need this time alone Joe, just me, by myself to let it go, Do you understand me?”
“Yeah, I understand you.” Joe nodded, he knew his brother was intensely private, to even be witness to this much, must be costing Adam big. “Come on, We have a little way to go, I’ll get you a fire going and some water drawn from the stream, I raided the pantry whilst Hop Sing was busy, You have enough food in the back there for a couple of days.”
“Thank You Joe, you sure are getting to be quite a chip of the old block, proud of you Brother. You’re inner strength is finally catching up with the rest of you, and you’re becoming quite the force to be reckoned with. Pa, Hoss and I, we are all pretty impressed with you.” Adam took one last glance back at the grave. “Your Ma, I’m sure, is just as proud of you.” He looked at where his final resting place would be. “I just hope she will be of me, when she finally gets to understand.....”
Joe frowned, not sure what Adam meant, but that wasn’t unusual. He was the one with the fancy education, he often talked way above their heads, even Pa found it hard to follow some of his philosophising sometimes.
The line shack came up into view. It was in good repair, well shielded from the elements by plenty of trees. Quite a fast-running stream crossed before it, providing plenty of water, fresh, clear and fed by a mountain spring two or three miles up into the interior. Adam was glad he’d not chosen one any further away, the pain in his back was excruciating, and pounded away up into his neck and head, and down into his legs with the force of a lumberjack’s axe. Joe jumped down and came round to his brother’s side.
“Adam.....Can I help you down again....”
“Y....yeah, m...my leg’s have gone numb again....just...give me a while....okay..?”
Joe looked at his crippled brother in concern. Adam saw the pity in the green eyes and felt the rage welling up inside him. If his resolve had started to crumble at all, the look he saw in Joe’s eyes, everyone’s eyes, “Adam the cripple,” “Adam the man who couldn’t.........because it would kill him,” “Adam, the Son who would have taken over one of the West’s greatest ranching empire’s on his Pa’s death, was now incapable of even living in a tiny line-shack without someone to light his fire, get his water and lay out his food for him.” No, he couldn’t live like this, WOULDN’T live like this!
Slowly, he forced his leg’s to work as Joe set too and got the shack set up for him.
Carefully, Adam lowered himself to the ground, but his legs wouldn’t support him. He collapsed with a cry that brought Joe running out to him.
“I’m all right.....Leave me alone!!!” Adam snapped, shaking with uncontrollable anger at himself and his failing body. Joe stood back and watched as Adam, with still strong arms, pulled himself to his feet with the aid of the wagon wheel and his canes. Pa had explained Adam’s anger to both Hoss and himself, when their oldest brother had torn into Hoss a couple of month’s earlier, Adam was scared, scared of life not being able to do what he’d always done, and he’d reacted the only way he knew how, with anger and pushing away those he loved the most. They would just have to absorb it until Adam found a way to cope.
Adam made his way into the shack and sank into the chair Joe had put by the fireplace for him, he was so physically drained from the walk from the wagon to the shack. He began to wonder whether he had the strength to carry out the plan’s he’d so carefully constructed.
“Thank you Joe....best you be heading back to the ranch-house, Pa’ll be wondering where you are.”
“Didn’t you tell him you were coming up here?” Joe asked surprised.
“No, did you honestly think he would have let me come if I had. I need to get away from the mother-hen Joe, you understand don’t you?”
Ho yeah,” Joe grinned, “I don’t know how you’ve stood it this long, all right, you have everything you need at hand, I’ll come and get you day after tomorrow okay?”
“Thanks Joe........and Joe, whatever happens, I love you, I love Hoss and I love Pa. Me coming up here....not only is it a break for me...ehh?”
“Yeah, see you Adam....”
“Yeah. Goodbye Joe.” He gave his youngest brother a long heart-felt hug, which somewhere deep within him set up an uneasiness that at first he didn’t recognise. Adam was not a “huggy” person.
Joe swung back up onto the buck-board and with a grin, waved and set off back towards the Ponderosa. He looked up ahead to see Hoss and Theresa sedately trotting home in the buggy as well.
“Hey Biggest Brother, did ya have a nice pic-nic?”
“Surely did, how come you’s out on the buck-board?” Hoss frowned, as Joe pulled up alongside him.
“Ohh, I took Adam up to Two tree’s line shack. He needed a break from getting too much attention at home, and you know how he’s become when there’s visitors.... Sorry M’me....” Joe shrugged, a little embarrassed at Adam’s aversion to any kind of guest these days.
“I understand Joe.” Theresa smiled gently. “Adam is a proud man, it must be killing him to let people see him less than perfect.”
Both Hoss and Joe had to agree.
“Are you sure that’s such a good idea Joe? What if he falls again, or.....”
“Hoss ! That’s exactly what he wants to get away from, I set him all up, he doesn’t need for water, food or firewood. He can sit back, relax and just do what he’s capable of without us hovering around him all the time.”
“Yeah, I guess, just he’s in such a dang deep, dark place....” Hoss shook his head, an uneasy feeling settled in his chest, and wouldn’t be shaken.
They came to the Ponderosa Homestead to be met by Ben and the Miller’s.
“Joe! Where have you been in the buckboard? I’ve been looking for you, “
“Mister Cartwright, “ Theresa jumped in, to save Joe from further questioning. “Here, I did this for you, I hope you like it.” She held up a small canvas. On it was a perfect rendition of the Ponderosa Ranch, with the mountains, lake and tall Ponderosa Pines. It took all their breath’s away. Ben thanked her and kissed her with a smile as Joe quietly moved along with the buck-board.
“You’d better get cleaned up and ready for supper.” Ben ordered, “Paul and Roy should be here soon, See if you can roust out that brother of yours. Hop-Sing has done us proud tonight, he’s already setting out the table.” Ben turned with a smile to his guests. “He’s making sure you feel like royalty.” He laughed good-naturedly, and helped Theresa off the buggy, whilst Hoss and Joe took the horses and carriages away. Both of them glad their Pa hadn’t interrogated Joe further on being out on the buck-board.
“We’s sure gonna get it, when he does though Bro...” Hoss sighed as they finished bedding down the horses, coming out of the stables.
“You sure are.....” said a deep, ominous voice behind them. “Where did you go with the buckboard Joe?”
Both younger men turned to see their father stood behind them, arms crossed and eyebrow’s almost joined over dark eyes.
“Uh-ohh.” Joe took a deep breath to explain, when another rumble of wheel’s and clop-clop of hooves announced the arrival of the Doctor and Sherriff, one in a buggy, the other on horseback.
“Hello, hello,” Paul said brightly, and then saw they had come in on one of Ben’s legendary confrontation’s with his son’s. “I guess our timing was off Roy, maybe we should come back later.” He grinned.
“No....no, for probably the first time in my life Doc, I’m really glad to see you, REALLY glad.” Joe laughed a little nervously, seeing a way out of getting a mouthful from his Pa. “Here, let us be perfect host’s and take your horses for you.”
Roy and Paul both had to smile, even Ben couldn’t stay angry at his irrepressible son for long. He shook his head at the two young men and headed towards the door with Roy and Paul in tow. The Doc looked back with a grin, Joe touched his hat in gratitude.
“I don’t know how you get away with it Short-shanks, I really don’t...” Hoss frowned.
They would have got away with it too if Hop-Sing hadn’t suddenly come running out of the door in a terrible panic.
“Missa Cartlight .......He gone! Number One Son, he gone! I go to take soup, he gone, he leave note.....look.....”
Ben took the beautifully penned letter, and opened it up, glancing back at Hoss and Joe who stopped dead in their tracks, suddenly the feeling’s that something was not right churned back through both of them. All they had to do was watch the colour physically drain out of their father’s face, and hear the gut-wrenching cry, uttered from his quivering lip to know that their worst nightmare was opening up before them.
“Ben ! What is it?” Paul gasped, as he shot out a hand to stop the silver-haired Rancher’s knee’s from giving out under him.
“ADAM......Oh My God.... Adam.......” Ben spun round to his other son’s. “Where did you take him?.....Do you know what you’ve done?..... ”
Hoss and Joe looked at each other in dread and confusion.
Paul took the letter from Ben as Roy restrained him from hitting out at his two younger son’s. The Miller’s came running out of the house at Ben’s thunderous voice.
“What’s happened? What’s going on?” cried Reverend Miller, looking at the distraught and bewildered faces before him on the veranda.
Paul looked up. “Where did you take Adam boy’s?” He asked more calmly. Realising someone had to remain rational, even though his emotion’s too raged within him.
“U...up to t tree’s line-shack, Adam said he needed to get away, have some peace....”
“Eternal peace Joe.” The Doc said. “This is a suicide note. He’s planning on taking his own life. Come on, let’s hope it’s not too late....”
Mrs. Miller and Theresa gave a small scream and looked up in horror at the Doctor. Roy stepped foreword to get up onto his horse, but Joe, with an anguished howl had already bounced up into the lawman’s saddle and was tearing out of the yard. He had to stop his brother. Suicide....! Oh My God....Ohh My God!

Adam was sat in the centre of the shack in the hard-backed chair, around him was a circle of lamp oil on the floor. On his knee was his bible, open at Psalms verse 102
“Listen to my prayer, Lord,
and hear my cry for help!
Don’t hide yourself from me
when I am in trouble!
Listen to me,
and answer me quickly when I call........”

In his hand was a stick from the fireplace, flames sparkled from it’s tip. He felt incredibly calm, even though his face was beaded with sweat from the intense pain in his back. He had taken a huge dose of laudenam, the bottle lying on it’s side on the table. Already he was feeling it’s effects.
Deliberately, he lowered the burning tip to the wet rags by the lamp on the floor. Flames immediately sprung up, and Adam watched in fascination, as the orange glow snaked all the way around him following the line of oil, smoke rapidly filled the room, the heat was already unbearably hot, he could feel his skin tightening as the flames roared up around him. He held his bible firmly in his hands. He continued to read aloud the words of the psalm.
“My life disappears like smoke;
my body burns .......like..... fire.
I am beaten...... down like dry.......grass........”

He began to cough and feel light-headed as the smoke invaded his lungs, he couldn’t see past the wall of fire around him. In his last conscious thought’s, what appeared to be the ghost’s of his mother’s swirled around him.
“This is wrong Adam.......This is not your destiny........” He heard the voice of an Eastern woman,
“You still have great things to do........” came the lilting Norwegian voice he remembered so well raised in song as they walked across the prairies.
“Inger....???” He slurred drowsily, looking owlishly around himself, he could only see smoke, flames, and feel the hairs on his body curl tight, and begin to smell of burning, his skin began to hiss, the calm now being replaced by panic, he was burning....burning......
“Adam.....you have to live.......thousands of people owe you their lives........if you die now.........then they too will die.........zis is wrong......” came a shrill, French voice right beside him. He jumped, his bible falling to the floor.
“Marie..?? Marie?...” He cried, and then coughed, dragging in more smoke, and coughing again. “No.... the pain..... I can’t.... the pain.... the pity.....I want to die....”
“You have to save a nation Adam......without you.....they will all die, as slaves, worse, women, children.....you must stop the sickness........your destiny......”
“What do you mean?” He choked, but his head was spinning too much from the smoke. The flames were above him now, everywhere was white hot, yellow, orange and smoking. He tried to stagger to his feet, he could feel arms around him, the ghosts of his mother’s were trying to prevent his death, he had to try. “What..... must....... I do?.....Why must....I.live?.....” Suddenly his bible was back in his hand, cool, unburned. He looked down with a frown.....How?
“COME ON ADAM!’ came another shout, this time deeper, Recognition was at the edge of his thoughts, “YOU GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE....”
Somehow the arms guided him, and then dragged him away from the intense flames and heat. He could still smell his flesh on fire, but then he could feel cold water, splashed over him, and the hissing of his body lessen as he could feel the water’s of the stream flowing over him through him. The world faded into blackness as his body shook uncontrollably.
Joe lowered his head, crying with all his soul, resting his forehead on the blackened body of his brother. They were both in the cold flowing stream, Adam lying in a soaking wet blanket, Joe on his hands and knees, the water up to his thigh’s. He knew he had to pull his brother from the stream-bed, his clothes and body not sizzling any more. He staggered to his feet, in the gloom of the evening, the only light was coming from the fully engulfed flaming line-shack, and began to pull his larger brother from the stream. Hands came to help him, and voices boomed around him.
“Gotta help him......” Joe gasped, coughing some from the smoke he’d breathed in, suddenly, he realised his hands hurt, and looked at them as they were held by his father.
“Joe, you’ve burnt your hands, just take it steady Son.” He began to shiver as well as his father put a blanket around him. He could see the Doctor bent over the black hulk of his brother, Hoss had gotten up and was taking bucket’s of water from the stream to douse the flames of the shack with Roy and several of the Ponderosa hands. The Reverend prized the sodden, but unburned copy of the bible from the blackened hands of Ben’s eldest son. Adam had committed a sin as bad as murder by trying to take his own life, that he could be holding a bible whilst he did it, made him recoil as if he’d been bitten by a viper from Hell. Angrily he strode away, fighting his own emotion’s and praying to God for guidance.
The Doctor sadly did what he could for Adam, and with help, put him in his buggy and headed back to the Ponderosa.

Many hours later, everyone was silently sat round the fire, with the exception of the Doc, Mrs. Miller and Hop-Sing, who were in with Adam., and the Reverend Miller who had gone to his room, unable to reconcile his disgust for Adam’s actions, with being able to look his old friend Ben in the eye’s and offer support. Hoss, still felt bewildered, betrayed by the brother he still considered almost a God. How could he do this? Joe was sad, angry, Even Roy was in an awkward position. Taking a life, even if it was his own was an offence of the law. If Adam survived, he would have to arrest him for attempted murder. He would likely have to have Adam committed to an asylum for the insane. The Sheriff took a deep breath, and what would that do to his oldest friend? It just didn’t bear thinking about.
Theresa had just brought in fresh coffee when the door to the downstairs bedroom opened.
Grey-faced and old beyond his years, Ben looked up to see the grave face of Paul Martin head towards them. The Doctor gratefully accepted the coffee cup placed in his hand by the young woman, and looked down at his best friend.
“Ben, he’s in a critical condition. Smoke-inhalation, a near fatal overdose of laudenam, not to mention the extra strain on his heart. Surprisingly, hardly any burns at all, once we had cleaned the smoke and soot from him. He’s still unconscious, but resting as comfortably as can be expected.” He sighed, and sat down on the edge of the stone fireplace. “I’m more concerned with his state of mind. He’s tried to take his own life, and failed. I don’t know what effect that is going to have on him, whether he’ll try again, or whether his spirit will be so broken, that he’ll just give up and die anyway.” He shook his head.
“Can I go to him?” Ben asked quietly.
“Yes, of course you can.” Paul smiled sadly back. They walked into Adam’s room together. Ben stared at the motionless figure laid out in the bed, as though dead already. Stark white bandages covered part of his head, neck and arms, on what burns he did have, although his hands were not burnt at all.
Mrs. Miller and Hop-Sing both realised Ben needed time with his son alone and with understanding nods left the room. Ben sat in the chair beside the bed, and looked at the shrouded son before him. His eyes tight closed, the odour of smoke and burned flesh pervading the air around him.
“I’ve failed him Paul....” Ben said, his voice cracking with pent-up emotion. His bottom lip quivered a little as he looked up at the silver-vested Doctor
”Ben....” Paul took the older man’s hand in his. “Ben, you have not failed him.......and I don’t believe Adam has ever thought you have, not by the letter he left behind.”
“But Paul.....I’ve done everything I can for him, tried to help him every which way I could......and still........” Anger flashed in the older man’s eyes, “Still.....I could not stop him from.....from this mortal sin”
“Could you give him a future Ben?” Paul asked. “A wife, a family of his own?’
“What...what do you mean?” Ben frowned. Paul closed his eyes, obviously Adam had still not told his father.
“Ben, remember the rheumatic fever he had over the winter....”
“How could I forget? Dammit man, if it had not been for your skill’s as a superb doctor we would have lost him then....”
“In all honesty then Ben, I am ultimately the one then to take the blame for today.”
“You have me at a disadvantage, what are you talking about?’
“One of the side-effect’s of rheumatic fever Ben, I might have won the battle Ben, but I lost the war with that lone victory.”
Ben still looked bewildered. Paul explained quietly. Unconsciously, Ben took his son’s unburned hand in his own, and held on tight. “Ohh Adam......” he gasped. He looked upon the once virile young man, remembering with a father’s pride, all the ladies that swooned at his son’s feet, the comment’s he’d heard within the wall’s of the cat-house in Virginia City, and the swaggering confidence of a man in full control of his awesome manhood.
In a crashing moment he understood his son’s decision, didn’t agree with it, but understood, he wondered with the odds stacked against him like they were, whether he’d have felt the same. But No, he had three major reason’s not to take his own life, Adam didn’t, nor ever would have the chance now to have those three reason’s. His own children.
Tears welled up in his eye’s, the anger, and the disgust he’d felt earlier evaporated, and all he had left was love.
“What do I do now Paul........Where do we go from here?”
Paul sighed. “Ben.....I don’t know......I honestly don’t know.......He broke the law by trying to take his own life. Roy, by right’s has to take him in, have him tried for attempted murder. I’ll have no option but to deem him unfit in mind and have him committed. He will serve out his sentence in the confines of a hospital of my choosing. That is of course if he recovers consciousness. Who knows........I’m sorry Ben.....I’ve only dealt with two suicides in my entire career, two that survived anyway. One tried again and died and was buried in an unconsecrated grave. The other is still locked up, the key thrown away.”
Ben buried his head in his hands.

Whatever happened, the consequences were that Adam’s life had changed irrevocably, and there was no going back.

It was two day’s before the Rancher’s eldest son regained consciousness. Slowly his eye’s opened and he focused on the dozing figure of his father. “P..a...” he croaked. The older man looked up, his face ravaged by worry and tiredness.
For a second, dread passed across his features. Whilst he had been unconscious, Adam had been safe from the consequences of his actions, cocooned in his own world of darkness and solitude, now his son would have to face the result’s of his folly.
“Adam, Son.....”
“I’m sorry Pa.” he murmured. “I guess....I can’t even....get....taking my own life right....can I?” The dark hazel eyes looked away in shame, as he struggled to breath, his chest heaved in rattling gasps.
“Adam - Look at me Son, What you did was wrong, but I still love you - unconditionally, you know that.”
Adam looked back into his father’s eye’s, and nodded slowly. For a second he closed his eyes once more, then snapped them open. “My Bible ......Pa, where’s my bible?” He began to cough, a wet hacking eruption from his lungs.
“I....I...don’t know....why?” Ben asked with a confused frown.
“They .....they came.....they all came to me.....Pa.......” he began to cough again, Paul moved past Ben to check on his patient. He put his stethoscope to his ears, and listened to Adam’s chest, it was filling with fluid.
“Who came?” Ben asked curiously.
“Elizabeth......Inger......Marie.......aughhh.” He groaned as Paul started to sit him up.
“You have to be upright Adam, the smoke has caused your lungs to fill again.” the Doc said, putting pillow’s behind his patient
“What do you mean Son?” Ben frowned as Adam was settled back against the crisp white linen pillowcases.
“They...they told me it was not my time......not my destiny....that..that I had thousands of lives to save....a...nation......”He struggled to say between each wheezing breath.
Ben looked at Paul, what was his son saying? Paul shook his head silently, Adam could quite easily be delusional after the trauma.
“Please ...Pa....find my Bible......” He grabbed his father’s arm in a strong, almost manic grip. His eyes bright and fevered.
“All right....I’ll ask around, maybe Joe knows.” Ben frowned with worry.
“Joe pulled ....me out of....of.... the shack.....didn’t he Pa?” Adam asked.
“Yes Son......he’s having a hard time dealing with all this, you need to talk to him.”
“I know......I was wrong.......Pa.... my Bible......please find my Bible...... Need....need my......Bible......God sent them .....to me.....Pa........” His words began to run together and were then terminated in another Pyroxym of horrible choking.
Ben nodded, and left the room, hearing his son coughing up his lungs, and crying out in severe pain. Ben stopped at the door, tears prickling his eyes. Adam’s actions hadn’t solved anything, just made life, such as it was for his son, even more complicated.
Ben went downstairs and out to his youngest Son who was stood by the corral, looking at the horses milling around. His hands were still too sore to be able to do any serious horse-breaking again. And with the Doctor here all the time, this was the closest he was even likely to get, whether he wanted to or not. It just added to his frustrations and pent-up anger. He was silent, moody and lost in his own thought’s as his father approached.
“Joe?” Ben touched his shoulder, and was rewarded with a lightening fist, stopped short barely an inch from his face.
“Pa..! I...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean......”
“It’s all right Son. I know what you are feeling, we all do. I don’t think we’ve ever had to endure such devastation like this in the family.” The older man sighed heavily. “Adam has regained consciousness, he want’s to see you.”
Joe looked up at his father’s tired, lined face, reading the pain behind his eyes. He looked away back at the horses, “I’m not sure if I want to see him Pa....”
“You must, for both of you. He...he was asking about his Bible as well, say’s he was visited by the spirit’s of all his mother’s......”
Joe looked back incredulously as Ben shrugged, “He desperately want’s his Bible back.”
“I...I think Reverend Miller has it.....and he’s gone up to the lake to pray.” Joe frowned. “Pa...Now that Adam has woken up, Sheriff Coffee has to arrest him doesn’t he?”
“Yes Son, I’m afraid he does.” Ben sighed, suddenly looking terribly old. “He broke the Law, and now he has to face the consequences of his action’s.”
“Sure never figured any of us would bring the Cartwright name into disrepute, least of all Adam. Out of all of us.....not Adam.”
“Well constant pain, the like your brother’s in can make you do crazy things. He made a choice to end his existence, not thinking of the ramifications of failure.” Ben shook his head. “Now he say’s he HAS to live, God has spoken to him through his mothers. Thank God the Reverend is still here. Maybe he can help Adam through this maelstrom...because for the life of me....I just don’t know where to start.”
Joe looked at his Father and gave a sad smile. He opened his bandaged hands and gave Ben a heartfelt hug. Ben clung to his youngest son and gave a muffled sob. Joe held him tighter, trying to give the older man his strength, realising he’d never seen such hopelessness emanate from him before. If Joe had felt angry at being used to help Adam end his life, he was positively livid at the pain his eldest brother was forcing his father to endure, and would continue too for probably the rest of his life. With an angry growl he let go of his father and went to do his bidding, swinging himself up into his saddle.
“I’m sorry Pa if this is going to cause you even more pain, but it’s going to be a cold day in Hell before I forgive Adam for all of this!!”

Joe went to find the Reverend, who was sat up on one of the knolls overlooking Lake Tahoe, praying hard, trying to comprehend God’s hand in all of this. He looked round to see the pinto coming towards him and stood up.
“Joe, what can I do for you Son?” the ruddy face smiled sadly at the young man, seeing the still bandaged hands.
“Adam woke up Reverend. He...he want’s his bible back.”
Reverend Miller looked up, anger smote his eyes, as he clutched the book closer to his chest. Joe’s eye’s widened in surprise. For all he was ready to deck his brother for all the anguish he’d caused, to see the Cleric’s reaction immediately made him jump to Adam’s defence.
“Sir..? Please...Don’t refuse him the word of God....What he did was wrong...terribly wrong....but through it he has found God, and want’s to be saved”
“No, no, you are quite right, even the likes of Barrabas and Judas were forgiven their sins...” George Miller said, shaking his head.

Together they returned to the Ponderosa Homestead and went up to Adam’s room. They were met by the wheezing cough of a man now fighting for his life. His face and body wet and glistening from fever under the bandages covering his burns.
“J....Joe.....” Adam tried to smile in relief, when he slowly became aware of his brother’s and the Reverend’s presence. “Please....please forgive.....m..my deception.....” He gasped, holding out a shaking hand to Joseph. He had such a look of total humility in his eye’s and desperate need to know his brother could forgive him, Joe’s heart melted in a second, with glassy eye’s and a hard swallow he nodded. “.......and thank....thank you for...your t...timely rescue....” Adam began to cough again, and grimaced in pain. The Doctor stepped foreword to wipe away some of the perspiration and checked his laboured heart. It was beating fast and erratically. He shook his head. If Adam survived the night, it would be nothing short of a miracle. He may have gotten his way after all.
“Reverend......please give me my.....bible......I know what I have to do now....God sent me a message......I need your help.....I need your .....p..prayers......I need .....your
forgiveness.......”
George Miller had never seen such intensity in anyone’s eyes before, and knelt beside the bed of the mortally sick man.
That night was the longest anyone could ever remember, The Doctor and Hop Sing looking after Adam’s physical needs, Ben, his brother’s and the Miller’s deep in prayer for his spiritual ones. By morning, the worst ravages of the fever was behind Adam, and the Doctor said he would recover, albeit slowly.

It was nearly a month before Doc Martin deemed Adam well enough to be released to the custody of Sheriff Coffee. Roy rode out to the Ranch and formally charged Adam with attempted murder and placed the hand-cuffs around his wrist’s.
“Is that quite necessary Roy?” Ben said darkly, a cold knot of anguish once more settling in his gut.
“No, it’s all right Pa. “ Adam said quietly. “The Sheriff is only doing his job. “Roy, now that you’ve cuffed me, you’re going have to help me outta this chair.”
Hoss and Joe assisted Adam out of the chair on the veranda and onto the seat of the buggy . “I didn’t bring me any back-up Deputy’s, I want your solemn promise you ain’t gonna try and escape on me Adam.”
“I couldn’t even if I wanted too Roy, you have my promise. Let’s get this over with. The sooner I’m sentenced, the sooner Pa doesn’t have to see my sorry hide.”
Adam sighed and looked down at the handcuff’s, and wouldn’t look back up again.

Ben used all of his power to keep the story under wraps from the likes of the Territorial Enterprise, and the hearing in front of Judge Harrison was in a closed court, with only the Clerk of the court, Doctor Martin, Sheriff Coffee, the Miller’s and the Cartwright’s present at the session.
“To the charge of attempted murder, suicide, Adam Cartwright, what do you plead Son?” the Judge asked sadly. He’d seen this young fellow grow into a fine and capable man over the years and often pondered how far he could have gone in the field of law if he hadn’t been so damn interested in architecture and machines. He looked at the man stood before him. barely able to stand. The fine hazel eyes under dark eye-brows looked up. He squared his frail shoulders and answered
“Guilty, Your Honour.”
“Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you the mandatory sentence.....”
“Err...Your Honour, “ broke in the Reverend, standing, and along with the Doctor approached the Judge, “Can we have a few moment’s of your time...”
“I suppose.” the Judge said gruffly. He looked passed the two suited men. “Sit down Adam, before you fall down Son.” Ben and Hoss helped Adam sit again in the comfortable leather-bound chair’s of Virginia City’s Court-House. “What can I do for you two, look’s like you’re up to somethin’.”
The Judge listened to what they said, then looked up and banged his gravel back on the block. “Court will come to order. This is an unusual case I must admit, but I’m still the Law around here and Adam, for all the sympathy I have for your reasoning behind your action’s, you still broke the law, and admitted your guilt. Therefore I have to sentence you and issue you a criminal record for attempted murder.”
Ben closed his eye’s. Out of all his son’s, law and order was the most precious to his eldest son, to be branded like this...... Adam was going to jail, padded cell or otherwise, he was on the wrong side of the Law, he was a criminal.
Adam struggled to his feet, his face pale and serious and looked up at the old man he’d known for years, played chess with regularly and borrowed book’s from when he was working hard to get into University.
“I sentence you to Four years incarceration at San Antonio asylum. If you complete a post -graduate theology course in two years at the Seminary next door, and the Doctor thinks you have worked hard at getting well and getting fit again, you will be re-assessed at that point, and hopefully, released. I’m glad you have found your calling in life Adam. Sure had to be a hellish route to do so, but if you really want to be a Missionary, Then I’m not gonna step in God’s way to stop ya.”
Adam looked up at the Judge, and then to the Doc and Reverend Miller. “Thank you Your Honour, thank you all for believing in me. I will fulfil my destiny, and do God’s will.”
The Judge banged his hammer once more and sentence was passed. Sheriff Coffee put the hand-cuff’s on his prisoner, and took him away.
Mrs. Miller looked at her daughter, who was holding hands with Hoss throughout the Session. “Well, You have to give it to the Good Lord, when he gets on with the Job, he does it with style. Adam Cartwright will make a mighty fine Missionary.”

Ben, Hoss and Joe sat in stunned silence. This was the first any of them had heard about Adam and being a man of the cloth.
“All rise.” said the Court orderly. “The session has now ended.” The Cartwright’s rose automatically and watched the robed Judge leave the Court-room.

Bar saying good-bye to the eldest Cartwright son in the jail cell, and watching him being taken away in a U.S. Marshall’s wagon with bars at the window’s. Ben and his two younger son’s were still too shocked to comprehend what had happened.

“Ben, San Antonio is a fine hospital. Adam will get the best of care. They will be able to make him well again, the weather is good for his lungs, he’ll have lot’s of time to rest and study. The Library there is one of the best in the Country.” Paul Martin smiled. “The law say’s ‘a hospital of my choosing’. I couldn’t get him into a better one.”
“Theology....? Adam.....?” Ben murmured, shaking his head.
“Ben, he has found God, he’s found his path. If I know Adam and the way he can spin word’s, He will make a superb Preacher.” George Miller patted the Rancher’s arm.
“I think I have to thank the both of you....” Ben said a little more resolve in his heart. “Even if my eldest son is now a Convict...”
“Ben, He’ll serve his time, two years is not long, and he’ll come back to you as the Reverend Adam Cartwright.” Paul grinned, putting his arm round his old friend’s shoulder’s.
“Yeah Pa, it ain’t as though he’s even gonna be dressed much diffrent.” Hoss grinned.
Ben looked at his biggest son, and then Joe, and saw the twinkle returning to his eye and gave a humpfh and a half-smile.

Four years later......

“Hey Pa.....Look at this article in the Paper. There’s been some kind of uprising in The Congo, where Adam is, Look, it say’s....The twelve hundred women, children and infirm were led to safety through treacherous jungle and swamp and taken to a refugee station at the American Mission in Bujumbura. Amongst the escapee’s is the future Ruler of the Congo, Prince Andula. He and the other Congolese owe their lives to the Very Reverend Adam Cartwright, a Missionary from Nevada......” Joe looked up from reading the paper. He and Candy, the Foreman had just returned from Virginia City with the supplies, mail and news.
Ben looked up from his paperwork and touched the silver-framed photograph of his eldest son, dressed in his white dog-collar and black robes and wide brimmed hat of a Missionary preacher. He was surrounded by lots of small round bellied black children, and palm tree fronds framed the top of the picture. It had been taken well over a year ago now and sent home with a slew of letter’s, thanking everyone for believing in him, even when he couldn’t.
“You fulfilled you destiny Son, it’s time to come home. Somehow, I think I’m going to need your strength pretty soon.”
“What makes you say that Pa?’ Joe frowned, looking up at the silver-haired rancher as he rose from his desk.
“Ohh, I don’t know Son, just call it your Father’s intuition.” Ben said, pulling a face. He looked up as a loud knock on the door was followed by the breathless shout of one of the Ranch-hands.
“Mr. Cartwright, Sir? I got some bad news........It’s Hoss.........”

The End