Written with little or no knowledge of medicine.

Summary: Adam gets blind, and he finds an unusual way to cope with it. The things take an unexpected turn...

The horse by the name of Jupiter appeared in one of the episodes, sorry for not being able to give the title.

He was lying with his eyes open, trying to make something out in the darkness around him. He was not sure whether the room was dark or not. Everything was so quiet, it ought to have been night, but he could be wrong. He prayed silently for a flicker of light, not more, just the smallest flicker of hope to be seen in the darkness. Since he had slipped so... stupidly on the river’s bank, hitting his head against the log, as they told him later, there had been no light.

There would not be. He suspected the doctor had not told him everything…

He could not but smile, however faintly, at the sound of his father’s footsteps behind the door. "Come in," he said softly, hearing Ben hesitate in the entrance. "You didn’t wake me up." Slow, heavy steps came nearer. "Can’t you sleep? Feeling worse? Maybe you have a headache?", a strong hand touched his cheek gently.

"What do you need? Water? A painkiller?" Adam sighed wearily. "I need nothing, Pa. I just woke up." Well, it was maybe not the entire truth, but that would not cause Ben to worry that much – hopefully. "Is it night?" He sensed the sudden wave of pain hit his father, and regretted asking. "Don’t worry, Pa, I’ll be all right. We just have to wait, just as Paul said, remember?" The rough fingers caressed his face with love. "I know, son. I’m not worried, really. I know you’ll be all right." Liar, Adam thought with concern. "It’s night, and a really dark one," Ben apparently tried to smile. "I can hardly see your face. I’m sure a smile of yours would have lit the room more conveniently." Adam sighed again. "Come on, Pa, I’m not blind... ", he broke off with the striking realisation of the nonsense he spoke. "I mean, not t h a t blind. You brought a lamp with you, first of all, then the night is starry, I bet, and you’re worried sick, much more than I am." Touché, two liars now. Ben shifted on the bed. "You can see the lamp?", he asked in surprise. "Why, that..." "It got warmer where it usually stands," Adam interrupted him shortly. "You always take a
lamp with you, don’t you?"

His father moved to the window, probably looked outside, staying there for a while. Adam slowly reached to the lamp – it was fairly warm, the flame could not have been big. He tried to make it bigger. It was apparently working, as Ben reacted, "What are you doing?" "I am trying to see light," Adam explained. "It may happen the soonest, the doctor said." He squinted. "I should actually try to see the sun first, it’s bigger and much easier to notice," he laughed softly. "Maybe I’ll see it in a week or two. Or three. I’m still impatient, but I know it needs much more time." He sighed. "I shouldn’t be impairing my eyes." The night visit had helped him, he felt.
"Do you mind if I fall asleep now? I don’t want to be impolite, but you said it was night."

The heavy steps again, this time a smallest bit lighter. A kiss on his forehead. "Good night, son." "Good night, Pa," he snuggled into the quilt again. There was something lacking, as he had felt more and more often recently, but the feeling was so elusive, impossible to grasp, to define. What could be lacking, anyway? He had so much...

***

"Hey, big brother!"

Adam smiled, reaching the chair. "Sorry I’m a bit late. Did you eat everything up already, Hoss, or is there still something left?" He sat down. He oriented himself perfectly in the house after the difficult ordeal of the first blind days. Hope there still was – the more time passed, the less of it.

"Adam, I am wiring for the best eye specialist to San Francisco," Ben looked at him with concern. Hoss and Joe exchanged clearly concerned glances, as he could impossibly see them. "We’ve waited long enough."

"Would you kindly wait then for m y decision?", Adam did not bother to raise his eyes. "I know what I am doing. Paul too."

"I am still wiring for him," Ben looked at him sternly. "And I want to hear no discussion."

"I am little interested in seeing him," Adam straightened himself in the chair. "But - if it helps you... I am not really hungry, however the stew is delicious," he raised himself and headed for the door. "I’ll be in the stable."

"I think he’s losing hope, Pa. How can it be that he does not want an eye specialist?", Joe paced nervously to and fro in front of the fireplace. "We’ve got to get him out of this depression."

"One word about it and he’s losing appetite, doesn’t want to talk... How can we help him?", Hoss’ question was a plea, in fact. Ben sighed. "He insists that the doctor’s visit will help me rather than him. Why is that kid as stubborn as a mule and won’t let us help him? Is he really losing hope?"

"A ’kid’? I know he acts irresponsibly but he’s a dozen years older than me, and I’m an adult," noticed Joe. "Maybe ask Paul..."

"Paul Martin is a mule of a doctor and sends me back to Adam!", Ben raised his voice in anger. "I’ll visit the telegraph office today, and whether he likes it or not, he will be examined by a specialist!"

Adam sighed in the doorway, his eyes directed towards their voices. There was no way of avoiding telling them the truth, apparently, at least some part of it. "I have seen him already," he admitted calmly, starting them due to his quiet unnoticed entrance. "You cannot help me, as much as all of us would like it. I am working on some solutions with the doctor. I promise to ask you for help if you are ABLE to help me. I didn’t tell you not to worry you... it needs more time than we have thought it would. It’s just that." He wondered how easy it had become to lie about it. "Paul left the decision of informing you to me. I’m sorry."

Ben’s arms embraced him strongly, then two other pairs of arms, then he felt a mighty twinge of guilt. No, he would tell them... later, he repeated.

***

"Joseph, the horse is shying all the time, take it easy," advised Adam, listening to what he knew to be horse breaking done by his younger brother. "You make too much noise approaching him."

"Oh, gosh," Joe groaned. "I’m as quiet as a mouse. Why don’t you try, if you’re so smart?"

Adam calmly got down from the buggy and headed perfectly straight and self-confidently where he heard his brother lean against the railing. He came over it in a few confident moves and neared the horse; it backed slightly, Adam stopped; he made one step, it waited; he made another, it still waited; he extended slowly one hand, and froze in that position; a long moment of the horse’s hesitation caused Joe already to worry for his older brother, but then it neared Adam softly and… put its head in his hand – trustingly.

That very moment welcomed Ben approaching the buggy. The scene before him could impossibly escape his sight. "Adam!"

The horse reared suddenly; Adam immediately raised his palms in a gesture of surrender, listening with the unpleasant feeling of disorientation to what was going on.Could he only see what…

All became quiet; the horse seemed uncertain as to what was going on as well; his family he felt to have frozen in fear for him; this all gave him some orientation as to what to do. He extended his hand towards the horse again and waited; he felt uneasiness flee him; instinctively, he allowed himself a gentle smile; the hooves came nearer; and nearer; soft, warm skin touched his hand; then, the horse’s head rested there with trust. He backed slowly to the railing, the horse following his hand, as though glued to it. It seemed displeased to have to part with it due to the railing. Nevertheless, it did not misbehave anymore, just looking towards Adam.

Joe accompanied his brother and father to the buggy, leaving the horse alone for the time being. Ben angrily shook Adam by the arms.

"Are you mad? The horse might have killed you! You’ve never behaved so irresponsibly! From now on you’ll stay in your room until the eye-specialist arrives and operates you! And I want to hear no protests!"

With that, the heart-tearing emptiness in Adam’s eyes faded to be replaced by living fire.

"I’m not a prisoner of yours! And it is I who must agree for the operation, not you or anybody else! And, I will certainly n o t stay in my room like one crippled, unless you tie me to the bed! It is m y life, and nobody but me will decide about it! You can’t hold me imprisoned against my will all my life! I have right to…", he broke off for the lack of breath, and Ben did not let him finish. "Child, what are you saying? All your life? You will see after the operation, YOU WILL SEE, do you hear me, boy?"

Adam shook his head in obvious pain. "I’m not a child to be confided to my room," he said with heart-tearing sadness. "You won’t keep me there." His thoughts were obviously somewhere else, as Ben observed.

"Son," he took Adam by the arms again, "what did the doctor tell you about the operation?"

Adam managed to calm down already, at least superficially. "It is risky, and it does not give full guarantee. As usually. Maybe you are right, maybe I should not wait longer. Just… let me decide by myself. I’m not a child anymore, don’t treat me so."

Ben watched his self-control with amazement and a distinct fear, and this cool – logical thinking filled the father’s heart with sudden concern and pain of having let him down in some way. "Have you ever been one?," he asked bitterly. Joe looked at him in amazement – Adam’s difficult childhood was something rarely spoken about, and especially Joe was little acquainted with what his eldest brother had been through before there came rich times on the Ponderosa. Ben sighed, looking at them both. "Yes, I shouldn’t have forced your maturity."

"But, Pa…"

"I just did not realise you would become irrevocably an adult long before I was ready to deal well with small children." Ben seemed to be speaking to himself rather than to Adam.

"Pa, don’t start with it again," Adam cut in sharply. "I’ll stay in my room if you wish, just stop getting on my nerves. Let’s go home."

Afraid of feelings again, Ben thought.

Why can’t he stop hurting me like that?, thought Adam.

I don’t like any of them in this strange mood, thought Joe. Could somebody tell me what is going on? Sure they won’t.

***

"… blind as a bat… let’s call a spade a spade… I’m crippled…"

"… it’ll go over, son…"

"Hardly so."

It hurt Ben to remember this.

"Will he be all right?", he pleaded.

The doctor sighed, shrugging his shoulders. "He’s obviously agitated, and he needs much rest. I was hoping the operation were more successful… but he’s right, you can’t deprive him of his own life, he has to learn to live with it with possibly little help. Confinement and constant guarding won’t help matters, you can’t keep him away from life. He has to face it; only time will say, how successfully. Try to keep him calm, and motivate him to work on himself. He’s had already much success in orienting himself with the help of his hearing, I believe he can make it further if he wants to. But at this very moment, he needs to rest. I’ll check on him tomorrow morning."

"Will he … EVER see again?"

"Mr Cartwright," the doctor was obviously uncertain. "We still know little about the human brain. However, personally I can give you little hope, if any. Avoid the subject in his presence, you’ve seen how weak he is, too weak for the possible agitation. I’ll call in tomorrow to see to him, maybe he’s stronger then. I… have the feeling he was convinced of remaining blind despite the operation…", he said with certain hesitation. "But then again, I may be wrong. Anyway, I’ll be back tomorrow."

"Thank you, doctor."

"I have my own life, you can’t deprive me of it just because I’m blind, I’m not…"

Adam broke off as his eyes rolled back suddenly and he fell unconscious onto the pillows.

"Now you did it!", the doctor searched for the pulse immediately. "Everybody out, now!"

He sure got them scared…

Pa… could I talk to you for a moment?

Adam stood behind the chair with a sheepish look. Ben rarely met with Adam opening himself, and apparently he had a problem to share – which he scarcely did.
Aware of these facts, Ben finished his coffee and left the table without delay.

"Yes, what is it, son?"

His father’s eager reaction confused Adam further, but he gestured towards the settee.

"Maybe… you’d like to sit down…?"

Silence reigned for a while. Ben waited patiently until his son was ready to talk.

"Pa… you said we’d get a piece of land when we marry."

"Yes, that’s right, Adam."

A sigh.

"Well…"

"Are you trying to tell me you are getting married soon?"

"No," Adam shifted on the settee. "It’s actually the opposite. I don’t see a woman… fit for a wife… well… I’m not in love with any." He’d never be, he felt. On the Mountain of the Dead even love would die. "Nevertheless, I… would like a piece of land for myself."

So that was it!

"Did something happen? I haven’t noticed anything out of the ordinary…"

"It’s not an abrupt decision," said Adam slowly. "I thought I needed some independence; I’d like to make decisions by myself, mistakes if necessary, but by myself. I know you treat me like a partner in business; however, this constant ‘Yes, Pa’, ‘No, Pa’… I mean, I love you, I respect your opinion, but you can’t be the only point of reference all my life. I just feel…", he searched for a word in vain.

"… subordinated," Ben offered.

Adam sighed again. He found it thorny to discuss it in such detail; he was afraid he would hurt his father unintentionally with an incautious word.

"I’m thirty, Pa. I… can’t wait for marriage, I don’t really know whether I ever marry or not. Whoever can say…? I feel I need independence, however difficult it may turn out to be. It’s like… prolonging… childhood… I mean listening to you like little children… not at my age, Pa."

He sighed loudly, with pain.

"I don’t think I’m getting at what I mean," he stated with visible discomfort.

Ben was aware his boys had become men some time ago, but no loving parent likes the children to move out, whether at twenty or thirty, or fifty. Neither Hoss nor Joe felt like leaving, but Adam was the eldest and he grew up long ago, far too long to remember it himself.

Ben had always blamed himself for Adam’s difficult childhood; however, only now did he realise certain facts. Adam spoke about ‘prolonging childhood’. He became an adult at… Ben found the earliest recollection of this mature look in Adam’s eyes with a heartache. The boy was barely seven – maybe not even that – he lost his childhood with Inger’s death. It hurt Ben to realise it. Adam’s beloved mama, the only one he knew, fell dead in front of him, and his father… let him down, thought Ben with anger. Yes, he was engulfed in agony, but nothing justified Adam’s share of pain, problems and responsibility. Adam had a chance of normal
teenagehood after Marie appeared in their lives; he lost that chance soon enough, unable to use much of it due to his distrustful nature and the circumstances which had formed him in his… childhood days.

Six years of childhood. Ben smiled bitterly. WHAT childhood? Ever-changing nurses, as long as Ben could afford it, then tiresome, lonesome, often hungry days of the long journey; this journey and the wagon became Adam’s home for many years, and were his earliest recollections. Hardly somebody to play with, somebody to talk to, but a lonesome man who did not know what a small boy may need, and how to give it to him. And then – great responsibilities – little Hoss, building a house,
the first winters, then little Little Joe, the sole responsibility for the ranch at some point, the college, the ranch again…

Adam shifted nervously again.

"I thought Joe and Hoss didn’t need as much care now and they could help you… I won’t be far, you know that."

Joe and Hoss, and care, how else. Ben frowned at his obvious failure in leading his eldest child through life; no help, no, he just had to burden him with work and responsibility long before it should have happened.

"I do have my own life, Pa," Adam apparently misread his father’s frown, trying again now to explain his standpoint calmly.

How long did he wait for a chance to live his own life?, thought Ben, before he answered with a question.

"Which piece of land do you choose, son?"

Happiness mixed with incredulity, Adam’s eyes filled slowly with a light coming out of their dark depths, until there was only the light in them.

"That is… it won’t be a problem?"

He hated to be a problem for his father, he found too many of such around. He was indeed happy to have this one over, as he was not certain as to his father’s reaction.

"Which piece?", Ben stroke his son’s hair with a broad smile. At last, he got some emotional reaction out of Adam. And what a one! Only his mother could look that way, not just delighted but delirious with happiness. He looked like an angel.

"The toughest one, Pa," spoke the angel. "Let me fight the land, it’ll be the more my own."

"As you wish, son."

They both felt so happy.

And now the dream was over. No sight – no independence – no life…

"Pa," Hoss shook Ben’s arm, voice concerned. "You’re all right?"

He raised his eyes onto his younger sons. "We have to help him, boys…" His voice broke as he began to realise his eldest son would remain BLIND for the rest of his life, and he was so young, so young…

"Adam will get through this," stated Joe with as much confidence as he could gather in the very moment. It seemed impossible for Adam to go blind; he still felt like the unshaken core of the family for Joe. "He always did. Everything will be fine, you’ll see."

They stood side by side, Hoss and Joe, the big and the little one, strong now for their father and brother, bent on helping them go through this trial, cost it what it may. They looked wonderful to Ben.

Adam would never again see them so…

It hurt… the helplessness…

***

For the hundredth time, Ben rearranged the pillows and put the quilt around Adam as he thought his son would find more comfortable.

"Stop that," Adam hissed at last. "Stop making me comfortable all the time and stop crying over me. I’m not dead, I’ll get over it, do you hear me?" He knew exactly what to do, and his father’s presence was a considerable difficulty for the plan.

He felt the harsh fingers soothe his face. Even those usually so yearned for caresses vexed him today. "I’m sleepy," he said. Oh, why couldn’t he just go, go, go! "You can leave me alone now and catch some sleep yourself. I’ll be all right," he put an extra emphasis on the last words.

At last, he left. Hopefully, he’d fall asleep soon.

Ben was hurting as never before, but he saw that Adam needed to be alone. He should not irritate him, he knew that. Adam needed time to cope with the situation, and he was still confused after the operation, Ben saw the mist of stupor in his eyes.

He avoided meeting his other sons, just waved an ‘all right’ to them and, after a second thought, pointed at Adam’s door and put a finger to his lips. They understood and seemed to relax a bit.

***

The night was cold. He was certain it WAS night. Everybody went to sleep, to his relief, and nobody noticed him leave.

The one stupid thing was that he had not taken any food with him. Hop Sing was not there, much to Hoss’ displeasure, visiting some friends or relatives, nevertheless he would have made too much noise and lost too much time. But otherwise he was prepared for a longer trip; he took the jacket, the colt and the rifle; he also took the best horse; Jupiter could be naughty but he was faithful and he knew when his rider was not able to control his vagaries. The horse was as black as night and as vicious as a daemon; Adam found it pure pleasure to ride him. Even now.

He trusted the horse to choose a good route to some lonesome place where he could learn everything anew. It appeared completely logical to him that he should take some time to cope with life in darkness, and then he would come back home to find his piece of land to live on. He just had to take his time, and everything would be fine. Just fine. Completely all right.

…

He cursed himself quietly. He was afraid to pull Jupiter to a stop, firstly not to shy him, then not to stop in any dangerous place – if the horse would obey, of course. The quick ride somehow resulted in… sleep, and it was by a miracle only that he managed to stay on while Jupiter galloped wildly – or so it seemed – how come he did not fall off the horse? He would think later. Now he had to find out where he actually was and where he headed for. It was the stupidest thing to wander off into the night without food, without help, and blind! It seemed so simple until the medications wore off…

 

He was positive Jupiter was tacking amidst some rocks. How far might they have gone? The sound of hooves was so quiet – there must have been some earth or even grass. Jupiter had to be dead tired, just as Adam was, and in no hurry any longer; he was careful, instead.

But what was there, in front of them, just lower?… Adam felt an urging need to find out what it was, despite any dangers or difficulties. None counted.

He never really knew how he had made it there in such silence – maybe his acute hearing – no horse, of course – then he lay down and came nearer, until he reached the shadowed foot of the rock.

He tried to breath deeply though quietly, but what there was took his breath away…

***

"Could I just give him some strength of mine…", Hoss sighed in pain. "Just look at my hands, they’re so strong… and I can’t help him!"

"We have to be strong for both of them," said Joe quietly, but strongly. "For Adam and Pa. We’ll help them; remember how many times they helped us? If we hold together, we’ll survive everything, so says Adam and so says Pa. Right?"

Hoss sighed again, though lighter. "Right."

"Besides, Adam can’t go blind just like that. We’ll talk to the doctor again and see…"

"Shhhhhhhh," Ben hissed, half-opening the door. "Remember Adam’s asleep. Don’t wake him. And you should be both sleeping, too."

He was on his way to Adam’s room, as he could not fall asleep again without checking on him. His younger boys were greatly concerned, too, he was aware of that, but you never hurt as much as when you hurt for your child.

The door flung open.

"Adam’s not there!"

Hoss and Joe astonished. After a moment of bewilderment they reacted simultaneously, "What!?"

"The bed is empty, and he is nowhere in the house," Ben was ashen-pale. "We must look for him, he won’t manage blind. Hurry, his bed is completely cold by now!"

He thought he could not fear more. Hoss’ calling proved him wrong.

"Jupiter’s gone! Somebody let him out purposely, he couldn’t get out by himself."

Ben almost collapsed with the thought. "If Adam rode him… this horse is a devil, it may kill him!"

"He wouldn’t have gone, he’s too reasonable," Joe paled, however. "Not Adam, Pa, tell me he wouldn’t."

The sudden realisation struck Ben. Adam’s irritation, he send him to bed, wanted to be alone, and the stupor in his eyes… "Adam was under medications, boys," he said in a somewhat shaking voice. "He might well not have been able to think reasonably." He moaned suddenly. "Remember what the doctor said? that Adam never believed he’d get well… we have to find him, boys, search for the tracks, and hurry!

***

The grass, the sky, and the loveliest blue eyes on earth – that was the memory from the Mountain of the Dead. He could save her once from the Shoshones, but she then had to care for him, and he was not able to fight them again. He lost her.

Adam could not believe it. She sat by the fire, as beautiful as ever, a subtlest shadow of melancholy on her cheeks – alive. She was alive. The pestilence must have spared her.

Now, she had to be the more a goddess to the Indians. They’d spare her, too.

It was all like a dream. The flicker of light in the distance, then he saw – HE SAW – the fire and her; hope flickered through incredulity, and he stayed to relish every detail of her.

There in the shadow was a warrior.

With dawn, the Indian approached the woman.

"The medicine-man is waiting for the White Buffalo Woman to come to his tent."

She seemed desperate to Adam. As she did not stand up, the Indian stepped nearer, his back turned partly to Adam. "Come, now."

He collapsed without a single sound. Hopefully, he’d ascribe the incident to her godlike powers alone.

The world was spinning around wildly, drowning in the hypnotising vortex of her eyes. The spreading warmth of their bodies was by no means unpleasant. Her nearness was all he desired, he drank it thirstily, satiate with her presence, her being so close to him, her want to be so close…

Everything in one breath and look.

He woke up forcibly from the enchantment. "Come," he pulled her closer to him, heading for where Jupiter stood.

"Nice you asked me to take what I need," she whispered to him, raising her head with a smile. He stopped as the reasoning struck him. "Well, er… how quick can you get it?"

She made a considerable effort not to laugh aloud. "In no time," she answered. "I need nothing, it was just a thought as you were in such a hurry. I… wanted to make sure you’re real."

He took a short moment to think. "Oh."

The air of familiarity between Adam and Ruth seemed to calm Jupiter down again. "Easy, bad boy," Adam patted his neck. "She’s coming with us."

Somehow in the hurry they had simply come back to their former relationship, as though it had never been broken off per force.

***

As Buck came back to them, Hoss and Joe began to worry mightily. Not only Adam was missing now, they had to find their father as well, he would not let his horse go off like that. At least they knew where to look; so good they always told each other exactly where they’d search…

Ben woke up – or was it a dream? – the splitting pain in the leg – soothing mellow voice – familiar eyes full of dark concern – where could he have seen Adam’s face bathed in sweat trickling down his face and neck, so concerned and so concentrated as it appeared before his eyes? he had heard people dream of what they have seen once… his son was now somewhere far, alone and helpless, condemned to darkness for his whole life. Ben wanted to have his son near him, to hold him tightly as he had not done for so many, many years… When did he recently hug Adam to calm down his fears? When did he ever get through the thick, cold, cynical walls? Feelings were Adam’s weakness, they made him to a helpless child in Ben’s paternal eyes, as much as Adam hated to admit it, more helpless and defendless than any of his younger brothers had ever been. He just could not handle them, so he strangled this weakness as well as he could, but he would never possibly manage to deal alone with blindness. ‘I have to find him,’ Ben promised to himself in a futile attempt to escape the silent darkness overpowering him again.

"He’s unconscious again," stated Ruth shortly. Adam breathed a shaky sigh, sitting back on his heels; he trusted Ruth to have set the leg properly, but he would rather Ben were unconscious all the time, instead of having to watch him in pain while he pulled at the broken leg. "I hate hurting any of them," the slowly uttered words were hoarse and tense with strangled relief. "But sometimes I know there is no other way. Are you really sure we set his leg properly? I hope it won’t hurt him
that much now…"

"Shhhhhhh…," Ruth used the remnants of his shirt to wipe his face. ‘Everything will be all right. I know it was a tough work, but he’ll be better now. I know what I am saying," she forestalled his words of concern. "Now, are you sure you want to spend the coming night without your jacket? I guess your father won’t be cold under the blanket."

"What? Oh," he took his jacket absent-mindedly. "I guess I need some rest. Do you think the Indians will get us here?", he slipped his arm in the sleeve, alert and thoughtful again, although visibly tired and very pale. She could see he was unwell and weakened; he drank thirstily, as the last thing he’d had in his mouth was some medicine he’d got the previous evening.

"We need a stop anyway," she scanned the place. "It’s not their territory anymore, and the horse must rest… try to catch some sleep meanwhile, and give me your gun. Then we’ll change roles, all right?"

He scrutinised his father, thinking, then nodded. "Whatever you say. Supposedly, I won’t have any good ideas without some sleep. Wake me up should you feel tired."

"Surely." She nested safely between his legs and against his heavily heaving chest, his rifle secure in her hands, her body secure in his arms. "Now sleep."

***

Ben looked helplessly at Adam, so did Joe and Hoss, as the eye-specialist untied the bandages around Adam’s head, some time after the operation.

"Do you see anything, my boy?"

The ‘boy’ was obviously a full-grown man who had gone through much in his life, thought the doctor, but he still couldn’t help the old habit.

Adam blinked several times, squinting, his gaze still, concentrated, but nevertheless... empty.

"No," he said at last. "Not a thing."

He heard pain-filled sighs from his family. Hoss sniffed loudly, clenching his fists. Joe felt himself do the same, tears blinding him.

After a short examination, the doctor straightened slowly.

"Not a thing?"

"Not a thing," confirmed the patient. He heard Ben move, and sensed the intensity of his pain. "I’m sorry, Pa."

"Oh, Adam, maybe it’s just too early?", Ben suggested, unable to convey hope rather than frustration in his voice.

"Face it, Pa, I’m blind as a bat, and nothing can change that. I’m sorry."

"Adam!"

"Let’s call a spade a spade," Adam shrugged his shoulders. "I’m crippled, if you want it straight out."

"Adam, maybe it’ll go over, son..."

"Hardly so." Adam steadied himself with the effort of sitting up. "I want to go out on the air now."

Ben woke up forcibly from his despair and demanded, "Not without help."

Adam’s face froze into a mask. "Then I will go nowhere. Leave me alone."

"Son, I can’t leave you in such condition!"

Adam’s jaw clenched almost instinctively. "Either I go out by myself, or you leave me all by myself. I know what I want, and I’m not a child to be looked after all the time."

"No way," Ben frowned. Normally, at this point Adam would consider carefully whether to go on, but it was not a normal situation, and Adam COULD be as firm as a rock. More so – he might have been the stubbornest in the family.

"I’m thirty, Pa."

"We’ll stay with you until you calm down," Ben was not the one to give in, for Adam’s sake. Now, Adam frowned, and his eyes flickered with a distinct threat.

"I demand of you to go and leave me alone."

"He grew agitated," the doctor warned Ben. "He’s gone through an operation, please remember that."

"I won’t leave him alone," Ben claimed. "If he’s better tomorrow, I’ll allow Hoss to carry him downstairs..."

"I have my own life," hissed Adam. "You can’t deprive me of it just because I’m blind, I’m not..."

His eyes rolled back suddenly and he fell unconscious onto the pillows.

"Now you did it!", the doctor searched for the pulse immediately. "Everybody out, now!"

Adam couldn’t help a sigh, rethinking what had happened. As much as he was able to remember... He snuggled his nose back into Ruth’s golden hair and dozed again.

Ben woke up with the urging need to search for Adam. He felt weak, however, it was difficult even to move his head and focus on anything. Had it not been for the slight movement, he would have never made out the large shadow next to him in the darkness. With some effort, he made out the faint gleam of a rifle in-between four pale stains of hands. There had to be two people. Maybe they’d help him seek Adam?, he tried to raise his head and call them with all his might. His head did not move an inch but the faint whisper seemed to have evoked some reaction. One of the two raised the head and whispered – audibly a man – "Ruth?" The second shadow shifted and Ben saw a woman’s face in a blonde frame of hair. "Don’t worry, I’m not asleep," the woman answered quietly, her voice soothing. "You can still rest, I’ll see to him meanwhile." By the movements Ben guessed she had been resting against the man, who had wrapped his arms and legs around her.

She bent over Ben. "Why, hello there," her soft voice welcomed Ben." You must be thirsty."

The man handed her a canteen. "He woke up?", the dark eyes glittered next to her blue ones. "Thank God, I was worrying already." He put his jacket around her gently and lifted Ben’s head. "Drink, Pa."

Ben’s lips moved soundlessly and two tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Don’t talk. Everything’s all right," Adam caressed his face soothingly. "I’m sorry I have nothing against the pain, but we’ll get you to a doctor soon and you’ll get all the help you need."

Yes. The vision was not a dream but reality. Adam was there. He was safe and sound – HE COULD SEE; his eyes focused effortlessly and accurately, having lost the former terrifying stillness. Who was the woman?, wondered Ben, closing his eyes unwillingly. Adam was not eager to allow a woman so close to him; many women would feel ashamed to some degree by his boldly naked chest. Where did he leave his shirt? He’d get cold...

***

"Well, I’ll find you no more tracks but these," Hoss firmly, leaving his usual gentleness aside. "If there were Indians, they’d have to jump from tree to tree."

"It was just a thought," mumbled Joe angrily, and his eyes gleamed threateningly. "I’d never go back and leave Pa, you know that."

"Yeah, I know, little brother, I’m just worried," Hoss sighed, looking at Buck. The horse must have lost his rider somewhere around here, but when? And where was their father by now?

Ben had just woken up. The day was breaking, and the first sunrays ran playfully across his cheeks. Both Adam and Ruth seemed to have fallen asleep, nestled comfortably in each other, his legs wrapped around hers in a simple, natural gesture of closeness and safety of friendship. They had only one jacket to cover themselves with but somehow managed to keep warm. And the aloof, distrustful Adam let her rest on his bare chest like a tired child, like a beloved sister...

"Horses," Ruth raised her head from Adam’s arm. He shifted and pulled both his rifle and her closer, stiffening with tension. "Two, as it seems," he lowered his voice, after listening closely for a moment. "I’ll go and see, stay here and keep quiet, both of you."

"How dare you use that tone talking to your father, young man," whispered Ben in mock indignation, trying to lighten the mood, also listening. Ruth found the best grip on her knife and scrutinised Adam with a steely glint in her eyes. "Be careful."

He answered with the same steely look in his eyes, darkened either from sleep or tension, and made his way to where the sounds came from.

"I say you stay and I go," Hoss rested his big hands on his hips and leaned over his little brother like a huge mountain bear. "Now, don’t quarrel with me, the Shoshones may be somewhere near."

"I won’t quarrel, if you let me go there," Joe’s eyes flickered dangerously. "I’m lighter than you are, and I’ll get there more easily..."

"There is a very easy way up here," on the rocks, the dangerous gleam of the rifle lowered itself together with the gun’s barrel. "One could shoot your heads off and you wouldn’t even notice."

"Ad...", Joe’s eyes were as big and round as saucers; Hoss only gaped at his eldest... missing brother in astonishment. It was a shock to see him safe and sound, and well able to see, apparently. Adam twisted his lips in an imitation of a smile.

"Pa broke his leg, we have to get him home," he informed them briefly. "Here," he pointed with his rifle, "you’ll find a more comfortable way. Just hurry."

Winged with joy, they followed him to a small hollow which gave optimal protection for three or four people. Adam gestured to Ben. "Help me get him home, we have only one horse."

"Er...", Hoss scratched his head, then shrugged his shoulders. "You’re the boss. Glad you can see after all. Fooled us nicely," he frowned, though hid not his happiness at Adam’s recovery. "You’re... sure you see well?", he made sure, pulling him into a quick hug.

"Yep", Adam calmly set his neck free from Joe’s euphoric hold. "Pa was right, it was a matter of time after all. Watch for the Shoshones," he warned them. "I wouldn’t like to wait for them too much. Thank you, Ruth."

She was ready, as always, handing the horse’s reins to him. A scrutinising look at his two brothers, then she turned to Ben for a moment. "We’ll need a travois. Can you do it?", her eyes rested on Hoss and Joe again.

"Sure do, miss," Hoss was already taking the blanket.

"Good," she kneeled by Ben. "Adam, help me here."

"She’s sure bossing around, ain’t she?", murmured Joe to his eldest brother.

"She IS NOT," Adam kneeled beside her. "Yes?"

Ben was aware he’d broken his leg. He was also conscious of what was happening around him. It was obvious that Adam had set his leg; she was physically too weak for that. Ben faintly recalled some fragments of the pain-filled dream; anxious voices – Adam’s voice for sure – then he had thought delirium overcame him – steely concentration on Adam’s face – he did not wince once – not that Ben saw; And the woman beside him, just as she was now, strong, cool, concentrated, seemingly emotionless.

He accepted gladly some water, realising at last what was wrong in the whole picture; not that Adam was so close with the woman, no, they may have well fallen in love at some point; besides, Adam was mature – but he behaved... unnaturally. Despite the apparent coolness, emotionlessness, his eyes were filled with tension, and every time he looked at the woman – Ruth – the tension mixed with anxiety. Who was she? and why did she look in the same way at Adam? He should be happier to see his brothers, to be coming home... he was so frighteningly tense and cold.

"Now, I stay back," Joe claimed, "and..."

"We’ll stay back," Ruth threw a glance at Adam; he patiently waited for her to finish. "If Adam holds me up on the horse, I can effortlessly watch our back over his arm with a rifle."

Adam nodded calmly. "Joe, you lead Buck; Hoss, watch over Pa; when we’re safer, one of you gets the doctor. Get going."

"Why are you actually the one to give orders?", Joe did not like the idea of being bossed around. It was not Adam who came to rescue here.

"Because." Through Adam’s eyes there flashed a lightning. Seeing a thunderstorm coming, and conscious of the possible dangers around, Joe unexpectedly shut up, and, what should have evoked a heavy shock, he obeyed. Hoss shook his head in astonishment, but kept his comments to himself. He was not sure what was actually going on with Adam, but the plan was good, and the time passing too quickly to wonder.

***

Adam looked down at Ben, who had just been administered a painkiller by Paul Martin. "Pa, before you go to sleep, I’d like you to know I’m going to marry Ruth."

His father looked at him in surprise at such outright statement out of the blue. "When?", he asked at last. Adam shrugged his shoulders indifferently.

"Tomorrow, if it goes," he said calmly. "The soonest, anyway."

Her satisfied smile kept Ben from asking her opinion.

"See, it was Ruth whom I met on the Mountain of the Dead some two years ago, and whom i thought I had lost when the Shoshones...", Adam shrugged his shoulders again, this time with sudden irritation. "Well, we were engaged anyway."

Ben understood. He remembered Adam’s pain when they found him in the camp, up on the mountain, disoriented and terrified with her absence. Any search would have put her in danger, so they took him home, to heal his leg and head, and heart. He fell ill instantly; high fever almost took him, thrashing on the bed and calling for "Ruth". Since then, he seemed to have lost interest in any woman – any OTHER woman.

"God bless you, children," Ben squeezed Adam’s hand. "Just wait until I get well enough to enjoy the wedding party," he smiled.

Adam met Ruth’s gaze. "No party, Pa," he asked seriously. "We just want to marry. We’ve waited two years, that’s long enough. They won’t part us as easily if we marry."

Ben gave up asking who ‘they’ were. Adam was too steady to be persuaded out of it, so there was no point in a discussion.

"Then let it be so. But I still want to be there, so wait until I can get downstairs to watch the ceremony. If need be, I will personally ask the Reverend to marry you here, at home."

Adam nodded solemnly. "Thank you." Ruth followed his gesture as solemnly, "Father..." Ben smiled at them, deeply moved, and closed his eyes, unable to fight the fatigue and the need to sleep anymore.

***

She leaned towards him, drowning in his gaze. The way to his lips seemed eternal. They were so... close...

Suddenly, the shrubbery rustled – The frightening sight! – Shoshones! - He was in danger, they’d kill him!...

She opened her eyes widely, heart thudding with horror. Then – she felt a sweet, subtle pressure on her lips – looked up – oh...

Adam gave her a look of "sorry, couldn’t help it" and whispered, "I guess I got sleep enough." He took her face in, noticing the look of fading anxiety. "No more Shoshones, dear," he promised soothingly. Oh, it was their first night in their own house, and they were already married for some time, and alone at last. "Now," he changed the subject suddenly, "did I tell you you felt like a flicker of light in the darkness around?"

"Is the light still flickering?" She was grateful to him for every word of concern; he knew her anxieties and wants so well, and she believed she knew his...

He sighed deeply.

"No," he stated. He watched her closely. "It burns."

"Hot," she answered.

He kissed her hair.

"I was always lacking something, more and more," he admitted in a whisper.

"And...?", she sensed well his uncertainty and his need to share his thoughts.

"Ruth... I want a baby."

He seemed slightly embarrassed to ask. "I never asked a woman that," he whispered, shifting gently, carefully.

She welcomed him with a whisper, "You’re asking just fine."

THE END (?)


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