She Walks Away In Beauty
by
Agnieszka Maria
A counter-episode to SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY
"You sound quite convinced to marry her, son," Ben placed a hand on Adam’s
arm. He didn’t try to hide his pleased smile. Adam sighed happily. "No woman
ever
made me feel like that," he admitted. "It’s enough I kiss her, and then
I forget everything else..."
"From the way you kiss it seems there will be a lot of little Cartwrights
running around here soon," agreed Ben, watching with amusement the embarrassed
blush on
his eldest son’s face. The theme of how children came to the world was
restricted for marriage; Ben believed that the sight of a woman without
a dress belonged to
the same category. It were probably the same thoughts that made Adam blush
like a youngster; however, he quickly recovered from his embarrassment with
a
sensual smile. "Don’t make my imagination work."
He got up from the sofa. "I’ll just see to my horse, and maybe I’ll meet
her outside." The thought itself of ever seeing... HOLDING her naked...
he felt his body
burning, when he headed for the stable. The door was half open so he quickly
slipped inside.
Hoss stood with a confused expression in the middle of the stable. Clementine
was pressing her sweet lips to his, making his confusion fade away in a
love embrace.
It felt like a lightning shattering the head, the heart...
Adam withdrew immediately, his heart throbbing painfully in the shaken
chest. Escape, was his only thought, escape beyond the end of the world!
"We shouldn’t be doing that!", Hoss freed himself abruptly from her embrace.
"Think of Adam! I... I can’t...!" Clementine cooled. Who do you think I
was thinking
of?, she was looking at him, still feeling the desire this particular thought
had evoked. Hoss’ face clearly expressed the feelings of guilt, remorse
and embarrassment.
"What have you done?" She held his gaze. "I kissed you." Unhurriedly, she
turned away and went out of the stable, heading for the house. Adam stood
like frozen in
the shadow, watching her go. Eventually able to move, he decided to talk
to Hoss. Oh, yes, he would talk to him.
Hoss was bent over the fork but was not moving. Upon seeing his pain-filled,
almost broken posture, Adam felt his rising rage clash audibly with empathy.
The
memory of Reagan Miller occurred suddenly to him; Hoss got mad then, and
he was feeling so guilty, so guilty... Hoss would never do something like
that to him.
Afraid to let Hoss hear his thudding heartbeat, he hastily withdrew from
the stable again. He couldn’t talk to him now; he had to calm down first.
He decided to talk
to Clementine instead. No, not now, he reflected, it would quickly end
up in an unnecessary row. Maybe in the evening. Or tomorrow. Later, anyway.
He pulled
himself together. He needed time and a bit solitude to get over the confusion
and clear his thoughts.
***
He felt his blood boiling again. How could he do it! His own brother!
And Clementine, the most exceptional woman in his life, embraced in Hoss’
arms...
... embracing him, he realised suddenly.
Did she...?
The thought made him sit up on the bed.
Did she...?
No, it seemed momentary...
How was it with Reagan?, he tried to recall.
A moment of desire...
... ending up in the encompassing feeling of guilt and disgust.
He saw Hoss’ posture again, heard him talk to her, after...
No, no, Hoss would never do it to him. Not Hoss.
Then... was she guilty?
"I kissed you."
So it wasn’t him!
Did she lie to him all the time?
Maybe she realised it just now?
Did she love him?
Did Hoss love her?
He lost his appetite at supper.
He ate absently, a small portion indeed; no reaction to the comment that
his stomach needed to rest at last. Adam had made the comment, anxious to
make their
father abandon the subject. Hoss was moody. Hoss was moody. It ate at him.
She never changed. Not for one moment. As though nothing happened.
Did it mean so little to her?
Did she just act? Was it only an act?
Did she then lie........?
No, be reasonable, you need facts. All you can think of are guesses derived
from limited observation. You need FACTS.
The fact was, he got hurt. The only fact.
Adam groaned, rolling from one side to the other, and then back again,
shifting restlessly on his bed, tearing his heart into minute pieces.
***
"You didn’t kiss me today, Adam Cartwright," Clementine hit him lightly
on the shoulder with the book she was holding. He startled, since she awoke
him from deep
thoughts. "I’m sorry, darling," he kissed her cheek rather absent-mindedly.
"I just didn’t sleep well, and I have a lot to do." "You’re strange today,"
she remarked. "Is
that the way you usually kiss me?"
No, her kisses always evoked desire. Always...
"If I kiss you as I usually do, I won’t be able to think about my job,"
he allowed himself a smile. She couldn’t but notice he was different today,
but maybe he was
just tired, as he had said, or he was worried by Hoss’ unusual lack of
appetite.
Adam moved towards the men who took a rest from breaking horses. His little
brother Joe was talking with them, dirty and somewhat heavily breathing.
"Joseph, you weren’t to break horses. You were to supervise THEM doing
it," Adam spoke ever so gently to his brother. "Do you ever listen to what
you are told?"
"Oh, why bother about the details?", Joe gave him a hearty pat on the back.
"You’re the pedantic type in the family."
Adam would have eagerly answered back, if the horse behind them didn’t
neigh alarmingly. A child’s cry of fear made them almost jump. "Tommy!",
one of the men
shouted in terror. "My son!"
Adam was the first to reach the corral; he rushed almost under the horse’s
hooves, grabbed the child and brought him to safety. The boy began sobbing
in his arms.
"You’re all right, boy?", Adam worriedly searched for any injuries on the
child’s body with his left hand, holding him securely with the right arm.
"Anything hurting?"
"No, but it scared me so," sobbed the boy, holding tightly to his saviour.
"Well, well, it’s all right now," Adam patted his back gently and hissed
to the child’s father,
"How come he to the corral?’
"I have nobody to leave him with," the man turned his hands’ palms up in
a gesture of helplessness. "And I have to earn our living."
Adam looked over to Joe. "I’ll take the boy to Doc Martin, bring later
the father there." He turned to the man. "I believe the doctor will help
you solve this little
dilemma. The boy cannot stay here, obviously." "Yes, I understand," the
man nodded, fairly relieved. "I would die of fear should anything happen to
him, Mr
Cartwright."
"Well, he seems quite all right, only a bit scared," Adam reassured him.
"Come on, Tommy, let’s get you to a nice, safe bed over by our doctor."
The boy clang to him tightly, when he climbed the buggy and took the reins
rather awkwardly. "Clementine, could you?", he handed them to her. "I cannot
hold him
and drive at the same time. I must somehow get him off my neck..." "It’s
all right," she took over the reins. "I know how to do it, you can hold
him." She had rather
he held the boy, with his parental, warm attitude. She would not even know
how to hold such a child securely, let alone calm him down; and he looked
so naturally
with the little boy in his arms... Neither of them talked to the other;
only from time to time Adam said something to the boy which made him look
and sound like a...
father.
Clementine brought them safely to town but did not want to quarrel when
he took the reins. They made it to the Ponderosa in complete silence.
"I think I’ll rest a while in my room," Clementine patted Adam’s thigh.
It automatically became stiff with tension under her hand. "But I’d like to
talk to you in the
evening. I hope you’ll find time after supper."
"Certainly," he helped her down. Certainly they had to talk, cost it another
sleepless night.
***
"Do you love Hoss?", Adam asked in a composed manner. Clementine laughed
bitterly, standing over him. "Bet you saw us in the stable."
Adam slowly hid his face in his hands and remained so for several moments.
Even more slowly, he lifted his eyes on her. "If you really love him...",
he looked
somewhere forth. "Actually, I always wanted to see the wide world..."
"Adam." Clementine felt deepest sympathy for his obvious suffering. What
a passion was hidden in this man! "Adam, there are women you spend a night
with and
women you spend your life with. I suppose the same is with men. I am a
woman for a night, a passionate lover. And I seek a lover. You are a man
for a life, a lover
AND A FATHER – I saw you with that boy. I would make a poor mother, believe
me. We wouldn’t be happy, eventually."
"I love you," Adam’s eyes were empty. He felt confused... and so much more.
"I desire you, Adam, that’s my answer. I do not love in the way you understand
that word."
He sighed, burying his face in his hands again. "And Hoss?", his voice
was barely audible, muffled , but still full of pain he couldn’t hide anymore.
"A touch of
passion," she shrugged her shoulders. "Just because he’s YOUR brother,
and the thought of YOU..." She pouted her lips. "Kiss me, Adam, and then
imagine me as
a mother for our children."
He stood up heavily and lifted his shaking hand to her cheek. Their kiss
was desperately passionate, as never before Adam experienced an explosion
of his body in
response to hers. Gasping, he found himself trembling, she trembling in
his arms. Then the sight of Hoss came back to him, and... He let his head
fall limply on her
arm.
"All the consolation I can give you is a passionate night," she said, getting
cold and stiff in his arms. Slowly, he sank onto the bed, face in his hands.
She breathed deeply to calm down. "I’m packed. Will you take me to Virginia
City tomorrow? I have some family to visit... it’s better I leave."
He was staring out of the window with a poker face now, still hiding his
lips with his fingers. "Yes." Unhurriedly, she reached the door and closed
it silently behind
her.
Some time elapsed before a quiet knocking on the door made Adam startle.
Hoss slipped into the room and sat beside his brother with a guilty look.
"Adam...", he gulped. "Adam, you remember Reagan Miller, don’t you?"
His brother moaned. "Hoss, please..."
"I made a very bad thing, Adam," Hoss touched him shyly. "You’ll be mad."
Adam finally lifted his head with a reassuring smile and put an arm around
his brother’s broad shoulders. "You mean the kissing with Clementine in
the stable
yesterday?’, he asked gently. "Don’t bother, really. It’s all right now."
Hoss jerked his head in astonishment. "You know?"
He nodded calmly.
"And you’re not mad?"
"No, why should I?", Adam smiled at the obvious nonsense in his words.
"You did not mean it, did you?"
Hoss shook his head solemnly. "No, it just..."
"It just," Adam repeated with a bitterly composed smile. "It was none of
your fault. I’m not mad," he spoke gently like to a child. "Don’t think
about it anymore."
"You talked to her, did you?", Hoss was trying hard to understand his big
brother’s attitude. "You’re back together, ain’t you?"
"Aren’t you," Adam corrected him automatically. "Can we talk about it tomorrow,
when I’m back from town? I’m tired and it’s quite late. Clementine asked
me to
drive her to Virginia City tomorrow morning, so I have to get up rather
early."
He started undressing. "Go to bed and don’t worry about it anymore."
Hoss reluctantly left the room, completely confused. Adam had hardly been
able to stand by himself after the incident with Reagan Miller. Now, Hoss
did the same
to him and met with a reassuring smile, with gentle offer to forget all
this. It was abnormal.
"Pssst," Clementine waved at him in the corridor. "Hoss, is it true Adam
wants to travel?", she whispered. He nodded. "It’s his secret dream, why?
Listen, he’s so
calm, although he knows about it... When he kissed my girl, I knocked him
down."
Clementine smiled bitterly. "He only asked whether I loved you. And he
told me about this secret dream. So I just wanted to know. Good night, Hoss."
She
disappeared in her room, leaving Hoss even more confused than before.
***
"I’d never...", Ben looked at his middle son with deepest reproach. Hoss
blinked as tears filled his eyes anew. "It just happened, Pa... actually
nothing happened, we
just kissed... But Adam knows it, and told me... not to worry."
Joe stared at them in quiet disbelief. He might have had wild imagination,
but this was just too much.
"Clementine said he had only asked whether she loved me, and then said
he’d always wanted to travel..." Hoss broke off at the sudden realisation,
stabbing painfully
in his heart.
"He wouldn’t..."
"... give up his own happiness for you?", Ben was angry at his own tears.
"Either he remembers your ‘discussion’ about Reagan Miller all too well,
or he didn’t know
what he was saying. Any man would have got mad in this situation!"
"Adam’s not any man," Joe mumbled. "But he’s mad all right."
"He said we’ll talk after he drives Clementine to town this morning," Hoss
was extremely unhappy. "It’s so late by now..."
"Horses," Joe noticed, eager to change the tense atmosphere in the house.
"I hear a buggy, too."
Ben looked with concern at the door which revealed his eldest son coming
home.
"Adam, what was it between you and Hoss?"
Adam honestly tried to focus on his father from under his black hat.
"Huh?"
Paul Martin emerged from behind his back this moment and ordered quickly,
"Get him to bed, he can hardly stand after the tranquillisers."
"What happened?", Ben’s concern turned into horror. He caught Adam in his
arms; his son went limp almost gladly, murmuring something half-consciously
under his
breath. His forehead was bandaged, complexion pale, skin apparently bruised.
His hands were also hidden under bandages; blood began soaking them through.
"Hoss...", Adam managed to articulate at last.
"Don’t talk," Doc Martin settled him more comfortably in Ben’s arms. "To
bed with you."
"... just... tell’im... it’s all... all right... every... thing," Adam’s
head fell feebly backwards, he was too weak to defend himself against the
medicine anymore.
The doctor pointed to Adam’s forehead and hands. "The amount of tranquillisers
would get an army to sleep, but he still managed to hurt his fists and head.
I dread
to think what a tantrum would it have been, hadn’t I taken him into my
office in time."
"A tantrum?", Ben stared in disbelief at Adam.
"Where’s Clementine?", he asked hoarsely.
"As far as I know, Adam brought her to the stagecoach with some luggage,"
answered the doctor briefly. "Seems she left."
Hoss took his elder brother tenderly from Ben. "I’ll take him upstairs."
He was appalled by the fact that Adam had still been thinking of reassuring
him, seemingly it
had been his main worry all the time.
"Somebody should stay with him a while," the doctor headed for the armchair.
"I’ll be right with you, Hoss."
"Will he be all right?", Ben caught his arm in an iron grip.
"Needs a bit of rest, I’d say. I don’t think he had hurt himself badly,"
Paul freed his arm gently. "He’ll be weakened when he wakes from the sedatives,
and he’d
better stay in bed tomorrow, that’s all."
"But what happened?", Ben’s stern eyes only proved his helpless anger.
"Did they quarrel there?"
"Not that I knew," the doctor sat down. "Adam is so closed that he stifles
everything inside, and sometimes there’s just too much of it. That’s how
I see it. Such a fit
of temper couldn’t have resulted from one quarrel."
"Yes, I guess so...", Ben bit his lip nervously.
"Seems we were right," Joe was looking into the fire. "Adam and Clementine
broke with each other. It’s good Hoss wasn’t there."
"I somehow believe Adam could be blinded enough to hurt himself, but never
any of you. And especially Hoss," Ben’s voice was bitter. "He has more
understanding." The picture of Reagan Miller came to his mind. "Notice,
his main worry was to reassure Hoss that everything was all right. Still,
Adam is sometimes a
puzzle for me."
***
The next morning found Hoss sleeping by Adam’s bed. Their father couldn’t
persuade him to stay in his own bed, he just had to be sure Adam was all
right. The
recurring images of Reagan Miller made him realise he trusted his elder
brother more than he ever did before; his feelings towards her image had changed.
Adam opened his eyes. Realising where he was, he looked around to see whether
he was alone. He touched Hoss’ hand gently. The sleeping one shifted and
woke
up suddenly. "Adam?", he hurriedly bent over his brother’s face, too pale
in comparison with pitch-black hair. Adam smiled as sweetly as an angel.
"How are you?",
his concerned tone indicated clearly he was still thinking of how Hoss
felt about the affair with Clementine. Hoss’ eyes clouded with tears. "I’m
so sorry, Adam..."
"Don’t be childish." However weak, Adam did his best to sound as despotically
as ever. "Forget it. We just weren’t made for each other, it was enchantment
and
not love. I don’t want to hear one word on the subject anymore. Now, go
and get me some breakfast, or I’ll die of hunger that instant."
Left alone for a moment, he allowed a tear to slide down his face. Well,
at least she was sure...
Hoss, beaming with joy of absolution, slowly ascended the stairs, carefully
nursing the tray with the breakfast in his arms.
THE END
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