And
Along Came MaryAnn - Part 5
By
Charlee Ann Baker
August 2003
Revised: March
2004
Disclaimer: I do not own the Cartwright characters but they
do linger in my mind, readily available whenever I choose to imagine. My thanks to David Dortort
for creating the Cartwright family.
I do claim MaryAnn Archer as she is described in this story. She is my invention and she is worthy of my
need to keep her safe.
1868
It was a bitter cold day in the middle of
January. Adam smiled and tilted his hat
at two ladies as he passed them on the boardwalk of Virginia City. He didn’t hear their subsequent conversation.
“Karen, isn’t that Adam Cartwright who just walked by? I heard he got married.”
“Yes, that was
Adam. He’s been married for about four
months now and, from what I hear, he’s very happy. I know you always liked him, Linda, but
that’s what you get for moving away from Virginia City after we got out of
school. You missed your chance.”
Adam entered the
Silver Spoon Cafe and was grateful for the blast of warmth that enveloped his
tall, muscular, chilled body. Patty Lou
always kept her cafe a little on the warm side, a subtle invitation to her
customers to shuck their coats and settle themselves for a nice, long, and
leisurely meal. Only a few customers
were in the cafe now and this suited Adam just fine. He threw a grin to Patty Lou behind the
counter before making his way to his favorite corner table.
Patricia Louise, who had never broken free
of her childhood nickname of Patty Lou, was an old friend of MaryAnn’s. Adam liked and trusted her completely. She had a sweet, honest disposition and was
forever humming or singing little tunes to herself. She even had the endearing quirk of answering
someone’s question, then repeating her words again in a soft lilting tune,
almost as if she were trying out different musical notes in her mind to find
out which ones best suited these particular words. Like MaryAnn, she had always been a voracious
reader and she and Adam often loaned books to each other. Adam had enormous respect for Patty Lou.
Patty Lou arrived at Adam’s table with a
pot of freshly brewed coffee in one hand and a sturdy mug in the other. She was a woman of short stature and delicate
features, but she always served her coffee in large mugs with man-sized
handles, handles large enough to accommodate all four fingers of a man’s hand.
Patty Lou didn’t realize how much Adam
appreciated those coffee mugs of hers.
Coffee at the Ponderosa had always been and was still being served in
those damned delicate-looking, rosy-flowered little thimbles that Little Joe’s mother
had brought to the Ponderosa years ago.
Marie had long since passed away, but those cups were still there to
haunt the red-blooded Cartwright men still trying to use them. Once grown to manhood, there wasn’t one of
the Cartwrights who could fit so much as one
finger comfortably through what passed for a handle on those things. Those cups, so favored by his father, had
always greatly annoyed Adam.
Adam hid a grin as he fought back a memory
of deliberately trying to break one of those cups when he was about 12 years
old. In a fit of temper, he had picked
up one of the cups and thrown it hard at the wall in the kitchen. That cup was deceiving. It only looked delicate. It bounced off the wall, fell to the floor,
then chattered to a standstill with not so much as a chip on it. Adam barely had time to scoop it up off the
floor, replace it on the sideboard, and assume an air of innocence before his
father charged into the room.
Patty Lou was now smiling at Adam in her
gentle, easy-going manner. She spoke
quietly so her voice didn’t carry to anyone else across the room. “Hey, Adam. What’re you grinning about? I don’t have a letter back from MaryAnn for
you yet.”
“Hey yourself, Patty Lou. Oh,
I was just thinking about something. In
case I’ve never told you, I really like these mugs you serve your coffee
in. They make me feel…comfortable.”
Patty Lou laughed. “It’s the coffee
that’s supposed to be comforting, not the mug.”
Adam slid his fingers through the cup’s
handle, looking pleased and thoroughly comforted. He flashed one of his now-frequent canyon
grins. “Well, I didn’t expect a letter
back from MaryAnn so soon anyway but something has come up and I need to send
another letter to her. Would you mind?”
“You know I don’t. I’ll send her a little note of my own, along
with your letter tomorrow.”
Patty Lou discretely took Adam’s sealed
envelope and slipped it into her apron pocket.
She would place his sealed envelope along with her own note into a
larger envelope, she would write MaryAnn’s address on it, and she would mail it
tomorrow. Virginia City might seem like
a bustling establishment to most folks but it had a small-town mentality in
many ways and, after all, Adam was now a married man.
When the envelope arrived in San Francisco,
MaryAnn ripped open the outer envelope and quickly read the note from Patty
Lou. She then took Adam’s letter home
with her and settled herself on her soft leather couch before opening his
envelope and slowly beginning to read.
January
15, 1868
Dear
MaryAnn,
I’m
going to be a father. Me! By the time I turn 38 years old, I’m going to
be a father! Oh Lord, MaryAnn, you were
so right about me wanting children. I
thank you over and over again for recognizing that in me.
The
baby is due the end of June and this may change my plans about coming to be
with you in July. I will keep you
informed. If need be, do you think it
would be okay if I came to San Francisco in August this year instead of July?
I
can’t help but be worried because you know my mother died within hours of
giving birth to me and your own mother died along with her baby in childbirth a
few years after you were born. It is
scaring the hell out of me but Tracy is hardly worried at all. She says she is in good health and she is
very, very happy. She says she wants at
least three children.
MaryAnn,
I know how much you would like to have had a child of your own. Our child, yours and mine. Please know that I will always share the
photographs of my child with you and I will always think of my child as partly
yours. After all, if you hadn’t kept
refusing to marry me all of those years, I wouldn’t be having this child
now. You always said that you did it
because it was important to you that I have children but I thank you for
loving me enough and for being strong enough to do that.
Christmas
was wonderful but I miss you. Christmas
has always been hard without you and it always will be. I know you feel the same. You would think that I would be used to being
apart from you by now but I’m not. I’ll
never be used to it.
MaryAnn,
you have always told me that you wanted me to marry someone I could love. Well, it is happening. Tracy is a very easy person to love and I
find myself loving her already.
So,
from the little boy I used to be who didn’t quite get as much love as I needed,
to the man I have now become, I find myself loving my wife as well as finding
my love for you growing even stronger and deeper as the years go by. For some of us, life sometimes does have a
way of making up for lost time. I’m a
word-wise man, MaryAnn, but I don’t know the words to tell you how much I love
you or how much your love means to me.
I
will love you forever,
Adam
MaryAnn placed the letter beside her on the
couch and looked out the window to the ocean where the sun was just beginning
to drop below the horizon.
It felt like her stomach had just dropped
into a pit and she caught a quick breath to steady herself. Adam
doesn’t remember what it’s like with a new baby in the house. He doesn’t realize it yet but he’s not going
to want to leave his baby long enough to come to San Francisco.
MaryAnn’s stomach fought its way back to
level ground. A baby? It’s happening! Adam is going to be a father. A look of soft delight came into her face.
Then her stomach fell into the pit
again. I’m going to lose him. With a
sane wife to love and a new child and possibly more in his future, his life is
going to get crowded very quickly.
Then, MaryAnn attempted to resign herself
to her perception of their future. Maybe I won’t have his presence any more but
I’ll always have his love and he’ll always have mine. Maybe just knowing that will be enough.
When MaryAnn went to bed that night, she
knew she wouldn’t be getting much sleep. Who am I kidding? How can I give him up? I love him so much and I have slept with him
for so many years, I can’t just forget what I know. My body can’t forget. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see him. I see his long legs that so perfectly
intertwine with mine. I see his narrow
hips so naked against my own. I see his
sweet mouth, and his perfect nose.
And…that little hollow just above his collarbone that just cries out for
my touch. Who am I kidding? I’ll never be able to forget. My body will always ache for his. I could no more change that than I could grow
wings and fly.
MaryAnn wrote back to Adam and told him she
was happy about the baby and that she had always trusted that he would want to
share his child a little with her. She
told him that she was glad that he loved his wife and she was honest when she
wrote that. She was happy for Adam but
she was privately troubled for herself.
Adam’s son was born on June 20th in Adam
and Tracy’s bedroom at the Ponderosa. He
was healthy, strong, and had thick, soft, black hair. Tracy had had a fairly easy delivery and for
this Adam was enormously grateful.
Dr. Paul Martin had retired some time ago
but everyone liked his replacement. When
Dr. Jones placed Adam’s son in his arms for the first time, Adam was shocked at
the enormity of his love for this child.
He remembered what it had been like when Little
Joe was born so many years ago and the almost immediate need that had come over
him to always protect Little Joe. But
this was beyond what he had experienced before.
He had come to love this new baby long before his son was even born.
June 28, 1868
Dear MaryAnn,
I
have a son. Can you believe it? I have a child. We named him Cody Adam after Tracy’s father,
and of course me.
All
went well and I will tell you about it when I see you the last week of
July. Since I last saw you, MaryAnn, I
met Tracy, got married, and now have a child already. In spite of all that is happening in my life
right now, I miss you. I hope you know
that.
It is
going to be hard to tear myself away from my new child but that is probably
always going to be the case, no matter what age he is. I am also surprised at how deep my love for
Tracy has become, almost without me knowing it.
It is
Tracy who is insisting that I come to see you now instead of later. She loves me, MaryAnn, more than she thought
was possible when we got married. She
loves me but she has told me that she wants to make sure that she doesn’t ever
prevent me from coming to you because she knows that you and I will always love
each other too.
Some things have changed for me but I will
tell you when I see you.
I will love you forever,
Adam
MaryAnn was excited that Adam was coming to
San Francisco. In light of all that was
happening to him, she had hardly dared to hope that he would actually come.
But, as excited as MaryAnn was about seeing
Adam, she was also saddened because she knew she would never again grant
herself permission to sleep with him. No
matter how much her body would ache to once again feel his sweet nakedness
against her own, she would stop herself from giving in to that need.
MaryAnn wasn’t being noble. She would never have willingly stepped aside
if Tracy had turned out to be either unworthy of Adam’s love or incapable of
appreciating the kind of man he was.
Life was too short and too precious for that. In fact, MaryAnn never thought she would be
willing to give Adam up under any circumstances. But neither of them had expected Adam’s wife
to turn out to be the kind of woman that she was…a sane and self-contained
woman with values very much like MaryAnn’s.
MaryAnn had never met Tracy, but she
already knew Tracy to be a woman with the ability to rationally use her own
mind and that was a characteristic that MaryAnn would always hold in the
highest regard.
For all of the years that MaryAnn and Adam
had been together, nobody had ever been harmed by their mutual love and
physical need for each other. Even when
Adam had married Tracy so he could have the chance of having a child of his
own, his new wife had vowed to never withdraw her support of his love for
MaryAnn. MaryAnn now knew that Tracy
would always keep that promise to Adam.
But now, there was strong love within
Adam’s new family and MaryAnn did not want to jeopardize that. Not with a woman like Tracy. Not with a woman who could love Adam as much
as MaryAnn. Not with a woman who could
give him so much. Not with a woman who
so deeply valued him. Not with a woman
who would so carefully honor a promise that she had made to him. Not with a woman who understood the meaning
of honor as much as MaryAnn.
It was ultimately MaryAnn’s profound love
for Adam that told her it was time for her to give him back to the
Ponderosa. And it was Tracy and not MaryAnn who was now part of the Ponderosa. Tracy and Adam’s new child and their future
children would always be part of the Ponderosa.
They were now a circle of love that melded into the original circle of
love that was Ben, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe.
Well,
thought MaryAnn, I’m strong. I can do this. I can go back to being just his friend. I’ve always told him that I would never leave
him completely and I won’t. I’ll always
be his friend. I’ve always told him that
I would love him forever and I will. I
can’t change that. But physically I will
just have to only be his friend. I will
just have to only be his friend. This is
a choice. I can do this.
When Adam stepped off the stagecoach in San
Francisco and bent slightly to kiss MaryAnn on the cheek, he didn’t give in to
the luxury of pulling her into his usual tight embrace. It was then that she knew that things were
different for him too.
MaryAnn didn’t know why she was surprised
that Adam had come to the same conclusion as she had. Neither of them should have been surprised
because they had always thought so much alike.
They had independently come to the same conclusion in so many other
situations that it was almost laughable to think that they wouldn’t have
arrived at the same conclusion on this one.
They spent nearly a week together,
sightseeing and going to various plays and operas. They kept themselves busy and, at night, Adam
slept upstairs in what would have been his old room back in Nevada. His old room back in Nevada that he now
shared with his wife, Tracy.
When the day came for Adam to leave to
return to Nevada, he hesitantly asked MaryAnn if she wanted him to remove his
old hat, black clothes, boots, gun, and gun belt that had resided in MaryAnn’s
house since Adam had first come there after the house was built.
MaryAnn fought to hold eye contact with
him. “I’d like to have you leave them
here if…if it’s all right with you.” C’mon, Archer, you can do this. Don’t you dare cry. Don’t you dare!
Adam nodded and fought his own battle not
to reach out and hold her.
“MaryAnn, I’m so full of love for you that
I’m barely holding on here. I’ve always
told you that I would love you forever and I won’t lie to you now and tell you
it isn’t true. To the rest of the world,
we are only friends, but please never believe that I don’t love you any
more. Please never believe that,
MaryAnn.”
“I won’t, Adam.”
“Please don’t ever…regret loving me,
MaryAnn.”
“Oh God, Adam. Never!
You are my highest ideal and I’ve always been so proud of the love you
and I have for each other. I’ll always
be so proud of our love. For all of my
life, Adam, I will love you.”
“MaryAnn, let’s continue to write to each
other. Through…Patty
Lou. There shouldn’t be any harm
in that. I know you’re going to come
back and visit
“I do.
Let’s always write to each other.”
“Uh…Adam?”
“Yes?”
“You better get your tall body, your
adorable grin, your perfect nose, your handsome face, and…and your sweet bones
out of here while the gettin’ is good, don’t you think? I only have so much resolve
and good intentions, you know.”
MaryAnn was rewarded with one of Adam’s
very best grins before they both stepped out the door to the buggy.
Two years later, 1870
Adam and MaryAnn wrote to each other
often. Adam told her all that was
happening in his life and all about the various things going on around Virginia
City. He stopped over to the Archer
ranch as often as he could to see MaryAnn’s father. Jim Archer was beginning to show his age and
Adam had to get used to the fact that both MaryAnn’s father and his own father
were getting older.
Cody turned two years old in June. In July, Tracy presented her now 40-year-old
husband with another son. They named him
Robert Benjamin, but almost immediately began calling him Bobby. He also looked like a miniature Adam, who by
now was nearly bursting with pride and love for his family.
In August, MaryAnn came back to Virginia
City to visit, the first time she had been back in a very long time. It was no longer easy for her father to
travel to San Francisco to visit his much-beloved daughter. Jim was in relatively good health but had
developed a significantly bad knee and now used a cane to get around. MaryAnn’s sister, Lizzie, had long ago
succumbed to a particularly lethal form of pneumonia.
MaryAnn had previously told Adam in her
letter that, when she got home, she would ride over to the Ponderosa for a
visit. She had never met Tracy and she
felt it was long past time for that to happen.
Adam was as good as his word about sending photographs of his children,
but MaryAnn had a need to see them for real.
Adam was delighted that he would soon see her again.
MaryAnn rode her horse over the hill toward
the Ponderosa. At the top of the hill,
she directed her horse to the old burned out tree with the white signal rock
near its base. This had been Adam’s and
her secret meeting place since they were kids.
MaryAnn dismounted and walked to the base
of the tree, dropped to one knee, and searched in the crevice of the tree for
their old note jar. It was still there
and she pulled it out. As she held their
old note jar, which still contained its small notepad and stub of a pencil, she
nearly dissolved in tears as all of the memories of all of the years washed
over her. Good Lord, life had been so much easier back then.
MaryAnn thrust the note jar back into its
hidden crevice and turned away to compose herself before mounting up and riding
the rest of the way down the hill to the Ponderosa.
As she approached the ranch house, a little
boy about two years old came running out of the house going as fast as his
little legs could carry him. He didn’t
get far before Ben overtook him and tossed the little boy up onto his
shoulder. The little boy was giggling
and Ben was flushed and laughing.
MaryAnn gave herself a moment to savor the
sight of Adam’s son before she stopped her horse at the hitching rail and
dismounted. Cody was only two but he
already looked the spittin’ image of Adam. No chubby child this. Cody was a slender little boy and his little
arms and legs already showed the promise of tall.
Ben was trying to transfer his wiggling
grandson from his shoulder to the crook of his arm at the same time he was
attempting to greet MaryAnn. This gave
MaryAnn a perfect chance to look directly into little Cody’s eyes. Her breath caught as she found herself gazing
into the hazel-brown eyes of a small version of Adam Cartwright.
As Ben “introduced” little Cody, Cody’s
gaze stayed on MaryAnn’s eyes for what seemed an eternity before he shyly
turned his head to nestle into Ben’s neck.
Good Lord, when Adam’s child looked at you, he really looked at you. Just like his father did.
Ben reached his free arm out to draw
MaryAnn close to his other side for a warm embrace. Ben then looked into her eyes and said
quietly, “MaryAnn, there is always so much going on at this house these days
that there is precious little time for me to say anything privately to you. Please let me take these few moments to tell
you something I have wanted to say to you for a very long time.”
Ben cupped his palm around the back of
MaryAnn’s neck and she felt his strength.
“MaryAnn, I didn’t understand for a lot of years about you and Adam, but
I want you to know that I do understand now.
I know how very much you loved him and I…I thank you for my
grandchildren.”
MaryAnn was startled. She wondered if Ben understood that it was
her love for Adam that fostered within MaryAnn her own need to see Adam’s traits and characteristics live on in his
children. Before she could reply, a
woman came dashing out the front door of the house but stopped when she saw
MaryAnn.
MaryAnn turned toward Tracy. So,
this is Tracy. She’s shorter than I am,
but Adam already told me that. She’s
pretty, but Adam already told me that about her too. And she looks happy. C’mon, Archer, snap out of it. Move!
MaryAnn didn’t wait for Ben to introduce
them. She stepped quietly toward Tracy
and held out her hand. “Hello,
Tracy. I’m MaryAnn and I’ve been looking
forward to meeting you.”
Tracy automatically reached forward and
shook hands with MaryAnn. It seemed
natural enough but, to be honest, most women didn’t shake hands at all. They just nodded and let it go at that. Tracy immediately decided that she liked a
firm handshake like MaryAnn’s much better than a mere nod of the head. She also liked the way MaryAnn leaned into
the handshake and really looked into Tracy’s eyes.
“So, MaryAnn, I see that you have already
met Cody. Would you like to come in and
meet his baby brother?”
There seemed to be no awkwardness and no
hesitancy from either Tracy or MaryAnn.
Ben relaxed, then lightly bumped Cody who was
still sitting in the crook of his arm.
“Well, how about you and I going to look for your pa? Do you think he’s in the barn?”
When Adam came into the house a few minutes
later, a little out of breath, he found Tracy just transferring Bobby from the
day crib to MaryAnn’s lap. The look on
MaryAnn’s face as she gazed at his child was so filled with delight that Adam
felt his own heart do a little jerk. To
be the recipient of the love of the two women in front of him, his wife and his
friend, nearly overwhelmed him. Good
lord, he was a fulfilled man.
Hoss and Joe came in from mending fence
while MaryAnn was still there. Both were
hot and dirty, but Hoss never gave that a thought. He was so happy to see MaryAnn again that he
nearly didn’t remember his own strength as he crushed her to him. Joe was a little more reserved but, after all,
Joe was 11 years younger than MaryAnn and he just didn’t know her on the same
level as Hoss and Adam.
Joe soon realized just how nice MaryAnn
really was, however, and he surprised himself by telling her that he had just
asked Cindy Brown to marry him and he was absolutely sure that Cindy was going
to say yes.
December
28, 1870
Dear MaryAnn,
Well,
another Christmas has come and gone and I miss you as much as ever. Always will, I guess.
Here
are the latest photographs. Forgive Cody
for sticking his tongue out and messing up the photo. He knows better than that and I popped his
little bare butt a good one to remind him of his manners. Next time I’ll have to do that before the
pictures are taken, not after.
Of
course Pa had to remind me that I had once made a rude gesture in one of our
old family pictures and I was all grown up at the time. I keep telling him that that happened a long
time ago but he isn’t ever going to let me forget it.
Joe
was disappointed when you couldn’t stick around to be at his wedding in
September but I’ve already written that to you.
He wants me to tell you that they are going to have a baby, probably due
in July. Honestly, MaryAnn, it’s wonderful
to watch him. He’s 29 years old and he’s
acting like a kid.
Hoss
has been dating a woman who recently moved to our fair city. Seems to be quite smitten with her and she
him. Hope this works out. Hoss needs someone to love.
Cody
follows me around whenever his mom will let him and I get such a kick out of
that.
Pa
asks me about you every once in a while.
I think he is surprised that Tracy doesn’t mind that you and I
write. Pa and I were the only ones up
late last night. He guessed that I was
thinking about you when I didn’t hear him talking to me. How does he do that? I wonder if I will ever have that ability
with my own boys. Good Night, MaryAnn. I
miss you.
I will love you forever,
Adam
Four
years later, 1874
Adam’s
wife gave birth to a daughter in August.
Like her two brothers before her, Susan was healthy and grew
quickly. Tracy was delighted to see that
her daughter’s hair was exactly like her own, light brown in color and very
thick. Susan had Adam’s long legs and
his perfect nose. Everyone agreed that
she was going to be a stunner.
Joe’s wife, Cindy, had given birth to
another boy the previous year. With
Adam’s two sons and a daughter and Joe’s two sons (Rusty and Scott), the house
was rarely quiet.
Adam and MaryAnn continued to write to each
other often and MaryAnn came home each summer and always made sure to spend a
little time with the whole Cartwright family.
Five
years later, 1879
May
1, 1879
Dear
MaryAnn,
There
is no easy way to tell you this, MaryAnn.
Hoss is dead. I can barely see
the paper to write this.
He
was on his way home from
In
spite of never finding the right woman to marry, Hoss had loves along the way
and I think that, all in all, he was a happy man.
He
was my little brother and I loved him, MaryAnn.
I remember when he finally got bigger than me,
he had no qualms about setting me on my tail a time or two. Made me mad as hell at the
time. I’m sure I told you about
it although I was always careful not to tell just anybody.
My
God, MaryAnn, what will I do without him?
He has been in my life since I was six years old.
Your
pa was at the funeral.
I
will love you forever,
Adam
Three years later, 1882
Adam was now 52 years old. MaryAnn was in the habit of coming home for a
couple of weeks every summer and she would always ride her horse over to the
Ponderosa for at least one afternoon to visit.
Whenever MaryAnn left the Cartwrights after
a visit, Adam would walk her to her horse alone. Tracy always managed to keep the kids busy in
the house until she heard the receding sound of hooves that signaled MaryAnn’s
departure. She liked to make sure that
Adam and MaryAnn had a little time just to themselves to talk about things
known only to them.
This particular afternoon, there was a
comfortable silence between Adam and MaryAnn for a few minutes as they stood at
the hitching post. Adam was enjoying
watching the sunlight play across MaryAnn’s hair. Suddenly, he grinned.
MaryAnn was watching his eyes. “What?”
Adam started laughing and MaryAnn watched
the delightful laugh lines appear at the corners of his eyes. “What?
Tell me.”
“MaryAnn, did you know that you’re
getting…uh…dusty?”
“Dusty?”
“Yep, my love, it looks to me like you’re
getting some white among all that red hair of yours. I just thought the brightness was fading a
little over the years but, nope, you’re definitely getting some white hair
mixed in there.”
MaryAnn started laughing. “Well, I guess calling me dusty is about the
kindest way you could find to tell me that I’m getting old.”
She then purposely let Adam watch as her
eyes slowly climbed from his eyes to the top of his head. “Have you looked in a mirror lately, Adam. I mean really
looked?” She couldn’t keep the giggle
out of her voice.
Adam’s own eyes fairly danced with
enjoyment. “When did we start getting
old, MaryAnn? I’m going bald and you’re
getting white hair. This can’t be. You and I still have tree houses to build,
don’t we?”
Adam got the effect he wanted. MaryAnn’s eyes widened in
astonishment.
“You sure don’t remember history very well,
Adam Cartwright. I built my only and last tree house with you back when we
were kids. I toiled for weeks with you and those damned Bonner
brothers getting that tree house built.
Once the four of us
got it completed, you three boys nailed up a sign that said “No Girls
Allowed” and wouldn’t let me in.”
Adam’s laughed and his face was soft in
memory. “Well, MaryAnn, you had a right
to be mad but, if I remember correctly, you didn’t stay mad very long. I seem to remember you showing up at the tree
house a couple of days later with a big load of freshly baked cookies. I guess you were trying to entice us into
letting you in. I was starting to waver
but, you know the Bonners, they insisted it had to be only us boys. I do remember those cookies of yours tasted
wonderful though.”
MaryAnn cocked an eyebrow ever so slightly
at Adam as she mounted her horse. “Adam,
love of mine, I never expected you boys would relent and let me in. I…I guess I never told you what…what I put in
those cookies, did I?”
MaryAnn swiftly spun her horse around and
was already into a full gallop before the startled look on Adam’s face turned
to a look of disgust.
The following year, 1883
It was April and Adam stepped into The
Silver Spoon Cafe and greeted Patty Lou.
The wind was blowing gritty dust throughout the streets of Virginia City
and Patty Lou’s cafe was a welcome refuge.
“Joe tells me you wanted to
see me, Patty Lou. I didn’t expect to hear from MaryAnn for
another week or two.”
Like Adam, Patty Lou kept her voice low
enough so nobody else could hear. “ How about coming
to my house in about an hour, Adam? I do
have a letter for you from MaryAnn but I’d like to talk to you about something
first.”
Adam nodded and turned to leave. “That gives me plenty of time to get the
supplies loaded. I’ll see you at your
house in a little while.”
Later, when Adam was comfortably seated on
Patty Lou’s living room couch, he began to sense that something was wrong. Whatever Patty Lou had to tell him, she was
obviously having a difficult time getting started on it. Adam noticed the strained look on her face
and he had the distinct feeling that she had been crying.
“Adam, MaryAnn asked me to make you promise
that you would stay here with me for a little while after you read her
letter. She has bad news and she wants
you safe. Do you promise me that you will?”
Adam felt the muscles in his torso tighten,
as if involuntarily preparing himself for an impact. “Of course. Yes. I
said I’d stay!” Adam’s voice had gone
hoarse.
April 10, 1883
My
dearest Adam,
There is no easy way to tell you
this. I haven’t been feeling quite
myself for a while now so I went to my doctor to see what the problem could
be. Adam, I have cancer. Incurable. My doctor sent me to a specialist here in San
Francisco and he also confirms the diagnosis.
I’m a bit in shock, as I know you
will be also. This is a fast-growing
cancer and both doctors agree that I have only about two months to live. It’s a good thing I have kept my affairs in
good order because there isn’t much time to do that now.
I’m only 52 years old and I don’t
want to die. Isn’t that odd…I said that
as if I wouldn’t care if I were a different age. No matter what age, Adam, I never want to
die. I want to live forever. Funny how I always thought I would.
Please stay with Patty Lou for a
while. I know how careless you can be
when you are distracted. If your pa and
Joe are in town, please ask Patty Lou to send for them to be with you before
you leave.
I love you, Adam. I’ll write to you every day. Please don’t come to San Francisco. I don’t want you to see me this way. Besides, you know how strong I am. I can do this.
All
of my love,
MaryAnn
Partway into MaryAnn’s letter, Adam had
involuntarily risen to stand. His
muscles had tightened and the pupils of his eyes had constricted. Unconsciously, his body was preparing him to
fight whatever battle he needed to fight.
But there were no battle lines to draw.
There was no enemy to vanquish.
By the time Adam had finished reading, his knees had buckled and
everything around him had turned an odd shade of gray. All of the color had washed out of the room.
As he fell to one knee, he was vaguely
aware that Patty Lou’s hand was on his shoulder. He was breathing in short,
sharp breaths and he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs. He could feel Patty Lou and he could hear her
quiet sobbing beside him but somehow she seemed off in the distance. He finally was able to draw in a deep breath
and the grayness began to clear and color gradually came back into the
room. He rose to shakily stand a few
minutes, then abruptly sat back down again on the
couch.
Patty Lou left him briefly to send someone
to find Joe. Joe drove the buckboard
home with Adam sitting beside him. When
they arrived home, Joe insisted that Adam stay in the barn while he broke the
news to their family.
Ben came out to the barn and it was obvious
to him that Adam had been crying. He put
his arm around Adam’s shoulder, then drew his grown
son into a full embrace.
Adam and MaryAnn wrote to each other every
day. A month later, MaryAnn’s letters
began to falter. Ignoring her protests,
Adam arrived at her house in San Francisco.
MaryAnn’s old friends and employees, Henry and Alice, were
on hand to take care of any medical needs and to keep MaryAnn comfortable and her
house running smoothly. MaryAnn,
however, was weakening at an alarming rate.
In spite of MaryAnn’s earlier request that
Adam not come to San Francisco, it was Adam she needed. She needed him to distract her from the pain
and to soothe her soul. In the next two
weeks, they talked and laughed about all of the things they had done together
over all of the years. They particularly
laughed about the time they had talked their way into Goldie’s whorehouse back
when they were still kids. It hadn’t
been amusing at the time but, as most memories do, this one got funnier and
funnier each year in the telling.
They talked about many things, but mostly
they talked about how much they loved each other. Adam told MaryAnn that he would always miss
her, that he would never stop loving her, and that he couldn’t imagine how
desolate his life would have been if she had not “come along” into his life.
“MaryAnn, I’m a tall, strong man but you
always made me feel even taller and stronger, and so…proud.”
“You have a steady, heroic nature about
you, Adam, and I was always glad that I was so clearly able to see that. I worshipped that part of you. I loved all of you but I worshipped that part
above all else.”
Adam propped his back against the footboard
of their bed, facing her so he could watch the delight on her face as he played
his guitar and sang soft songs to her.
He read stories to her from their favorite
books, sometimes lying propped up beside her at the head of the bed and
sometimes propped with his back against the footboard of the bed facing her.
Adam slept with MaryAnn every night and was
careful not to roll too close lest she cry out in pain. He wanted to stay near so she could reach out
for him when she most needed his comfort and solace. She needed to be able just to touch him. She needed to know that he was there.
And one morning, MaryAnn quietly slipped
away.
A Month Later
Adam and Little Joe were still at the
dinner table, having a second cup of coffee after a hard day. Dinner had been very late because there had
been so much work to do on the ranch that particular day. Ben had moved to his desk to work a little
more on the hated chore of keeping the books up. Adam’s three children and Joe’s two children
were already in bed for the night. Tracy
and Joe’s wife, Cindy, were in the kitchen, getting things cleaned up and
organized.
Adam had been understandably somber since
MaryAnn’s death and Joe thought he understood the pain that Adam must be
feeling. Suddenly Adam said, “This is
wrong. This is just wrong.”
Joe looked at Adam, expecting to see the
sadness still reflected in his eyes.
Instead, he was surprised to see a grin tugging at the corners of Adam’s
mouth and a devilish look in his eye.
Before Joe could ask Adam what was wrong,
Adam raised his eyes to Joe.
“Joe, let’s you and I go riding early in
the morning. I want to sight in my rifle
and do a little plinkin’. You game?
I’d like to have you come with me.”
Joe was surprised but readily agreed. “What’re you up to, Adam? You look like a man with a plan.”
Adam let his canyon grin show for the first
time in months. “You’ll find out in the
morning, Joe. I…I think you’re going to
enjoy this.”
The next morning, bright and early and long
before anyone else was out of bed, Joe saddled both his and Adam’s horses while
Adam gathered some tin cans and other targets in a large sack to take with
them. As they rode along, Adam’s mood
became almost jovial. He seemed to be
thinking about something very amusing but, whatever it was, he kept it to
himself.
When they arrived at the bluff they always
used as a backdrop for target shooting, they both dismounted and checked their
guns. “I’ll go first, Joe. I’ve been waiting too long for this.”
Joe shot a puzzled look toward Adam. “What
are you talking about? We come plinkin’ all the time.”
A laugh bubbled all the way up from Adam’s
toes as he dug into the huge sack, withdrew a delicate-looking, rosy-flowered,
thimble-sized coffee cup, threw it high into the air, smoothly drew his pistol,
and cleanly shot the offensive cup to smithereens.
Joe stood transfixed. “Uh, Adam. Are you…all right?”
Adam chuckled as he withdrew the matching
saucer that went with the offensive cup.
He threw it into the air, took careful aim, and then efficiently put it
out of its misery as well. He then
sailed the matching dinner plate into the air and his laugh was deep and sweet
as his bullet spun the plate around before the plate splintered into hundreds
of small pieces that rained down upon the rocky ground.
Joe was caught between horror and
delight. “Damn, Adam! Those were my mother’s dishes, you know. Uh…Pa’s going to kill you.”
Adam walked to Joe and put his hand on Joe’s
shoulder.
“Joe, I know these dishes belonged to your
mother. That’s why I only shot
mine. Tell me. Honestly.
Do you like these damned dishes?
If you do, I won’t shoot any more of them. Except for Hoss’s. I am
going to shoot Hoss’s for him. He would
want that.”
Green eyes looked up into hazel-brown.
“Adam, even as a kid, I hated these girly
dishes. They are an embarrassment to the
Cartwright name. I…I didn’t know you
hated them, too. I thought I was the
only one. Uh, Adam, what are we going to
do about Pa? Pa is not going to
like this.”
Adam left eyelid slid into a wink. “Hell with Pa, Joe. It’s long past time for these things to be
helped out of this world. Some things are
wrong, and these …these things are
the worst kind of wrong.”
Joe’s high-pitched cackle joined Adam’s low
chuckle as they both reached for the sack at the same time. I
wonder if it's too late to teach Joe to laugh like a man, thought Adam.
Adam stood to one side and
watched as a delighted Joe first shot his own cup, then his saucer, and finally
his plate. Adam grinned with pride when Joe scored with
the first bullet each time.
Adam then reached into the
sack and came out with another cup, saucer, and plate.
“For Hoss, Joe. You
shoot his plate, then I’ll shoot his saucer, then we’ll both shoot his cup at
the same time.”
And they did.
Adam closed his eyes for a minute and an
image of a laughing, thoroughly pleased Hoss came
floating into his mind.
Adam and Joe were having so much fun, it didn’t take them long to blast all of the remaining dishes in the
sack into the middle of never.
As they rode back to the house, still
laughing, they spotted Ben waiting for them.
Adam turned to Joe, “Now remember, we both did this.”
Ben barely waited for them to dismount
before he yelled in anger, “Where in tarnation have you two been? And WHAT have you done with all of the
dishes?”
Adam turned to Joe to form a united front, but found that Joe had taken a step backward and was
now suddenly very interested in attending to a stirrup. Damn. Some things never change.
Adam shot what he hoped was a disarming
grin at Ben. “Aw,
At the incredulous look on Ben’s face, Adam
rushed on. “Uh…how about we take the
whole family into Virginia City for some breakfast? And…and Joe and I will buy some new dishes. We’ll be happy to buy new dishes, Pa. But…but we
get to choose what they look like this time.
Joe and I.
And…and Hoss.
Joe and I are going to choose ones that Hoss would have liked too.”
Ben looked into the grinning face of his
tall handsome firstborn and knew that Adam was going to be all right. Ben caught Little Joe’s eye and he nodded his
silent thanks to his youngest child for his part in helping his oldest brother
find his way back to level ground.
Ben watched as Adam and Joe led their
horses toward the barn. He couldn’t be
sure but he thought they were arguing.
They both were swinging their arms out as if trying to convince the
other one of something. Ben caught only
a few words of the first sentence before his boys drifted into the barn.
Joe was saying something that sounded like,
“Well, that went better than I expected.”
Adam answered, “Considering that you didn’t
jump in to help, yeah, I would say it went real well.”
Joe suddenly grabbed Adam’s arm and shook
it in excitement. “No, Adam. You don’t understand. Think of the…the possibilities.”
“For what?”
“Adam, c’mon, you can’t tell me that you
actually like that candy-assed, too-short-for-any-of-us, hard-as-a-rock,
sissy-pink, striped settee.”
Candy-assed?
“Joe, even the word settee
makes my teeth itch. Now, the word couch has a certain masculine ring to
it, don’t you think? Leather,
maybe? You like leather, don’t you?”
“Perfect, Adam. Then, every time you or I get shot or maimed
again, we could just wash the blood off instead of Pa having to pay someone to
cover over all the bloodstains with new satin all the time. It would save him a ton of money in the long run.”
Adam rested his arm on Joe’s shoulder and
his voice dropped to a conspiratorial level.
“Joe, this is going to require some serious
planning.”
EPILOG
MaryAnn had told Adam that she never wanted
to be “in the ground”. She wanted to be
cremated and have her ashes scattered.
She liked the idea of being free.
She had asked him if she could be scattered on the Ponderosa and they
both had agreed that their private cove by the lake would be perfect. She had asked him if he was strong enough to
do this for her and he had assured her that he would be.
Adam scattered MaryAnn’s ashes up near the
trees overlooking the sunny cove at the lake where they had loved each other
for so long. He told no one. He needed that cove to remain his and
MaryAnn’s private place.
For the rest of his life, Adam would
occasionally ride quietly away by himself and go to the cove at the lake where
he would sit for hours with his back up against a boulder. He felt close to MaryAnn in this place and he
let all of the sweet memories he had of her soothe him until his loneliness for
her was once again bearable.
MaryAnn had put her money where her heart
was. Her will stipulated that her house
and property in San Francisco were to go to her old friends, Henry and
Alice. Other property that she had been
holding was sold and the proceeds went to her father and to Patty Lou to pay
off Patty Lou’s cafe.
Adam was astonished at the large amount of
money MaryAnn bequeathed equally to both him and Joe from her various bank
accounts. She wrote a little note in the
will that stated that she wanted them to use the money however they saw fit to
help raise the next generation of Cartwrights.
About a year after MaryAnn died, Adam rode his horse to their old signal rock by the
burned-out tree and retrieved their note jar.
He had seen his and Joe’s kids riding up that way a few days
earlier. He didn’t want anyone to
discover his and MaryAnn’s old note jar, so he took it home and put it
away. The next generation of Cartwrights
needed to make their own memories, not discover and wonder about his.
Adam never lost the habit of glancing up at
the old signal rock as he passed on his way to and from Virginia City. This had become a habit that had become so
deeply engrained over the years that he couldn’t have changed it even if he had
wanted to.
(Sung by Pernell Roberts)
The birds sing out and
the grass is growing high.
The field warms in
the sun.
Spring’s coming on
and the ice melts down
as it runs through the streams to the sea
far away, MaryAnn.
Now the grass
growing high and the singing of the birds
might charm the hearts of some.
But all I feel is
the cold spring rain
that says my love has gone
far away, MaryAnn
When she was here,
my heart was bright and warm,
but now it grows so cold.
A man needs the
love of a soft gentle girl.
Summer’s gone,
winter’s now coming on.
Hurry home, MaryAnn.
Soon the grass will
die and the birds fly south
and the ground ring hard as stone.
But her smile will
melt the ice in my heart
when I see my love coming home,
on the hill, MaryAnn
But her smile will
melt the ice in my heart
when I see my love coming home,
on the hill, MaryAnn, MaryAnn, MaryAnn.
References and Acknowledgements:
The song
“MaryAnn” comes from the CD, Pernell Roberts Sings Come All Ye Fair.
THE
END