In My Father’s House

Part 3 of Chinese Molasses

By Debbie B ;0)

Adam’s concerns for his youngest brother:

I have watched my youngest brother Joe pace from room to room, never venturing to go outside and his senseless wandering stirs up my hatred once again.I have strived to remain silent as I watch him move about the house, but it is distracting.Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know he can’t help it, and I surely don’t blame him for his ceaseless ambling, he has suffered so much, not just physical pain, but emotional pain, the kind that feels as if it is going to rip your heart right out of your chest.

I have heard my brother crying, late at night when he thinks no one can hear him and I’ve listened to him pace the floor in his bedroom wearing the carpet down to the bare boards it seems until the wee hours of the morning and then he only brings it to a halt because he has worn himself completely out.I have heard him scream out in his sleep, another nightmare I know and I have rushed to his room to be by his side. Some nights he sends me away, but other nights, he is so despondent that he begs me not to leave him alone, the fear he felt as a captive now holding him a prisoner in his own home.On those nights, when the nightmares are so bad that he is even scared to sleep, I have held him in my arms as I had so often done when he was a boy. I feel a special bond with this kid; I have ever since the day he was born. I suppose that after having lost three mothers, my own included, I tend to be overly protective of Joe.He doesn’t have any idea how much he really means to me, or how much I truly love him, we don’t always get along and we seldom see eye to eye on things, not like he and Hoss or Hoss and I for that matter.But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him, for I do, probably more than even I realize. I would have killed that vicious man had I been the one to reach him first instead of Hoss.When I think of the pain he inflected on my brother, I would have killed him again, for each time that he stabbed Joe with that syringe, I would have taken his life, or for each time he placed his nasty hands on my brother’s battered body, I would have, without second thought, wiped that vile man from the face of the earth. He got what he deserved, I only wish that he could have suffered more for the wickedness that he brought into Little Joe’s life and for the way he has forever changed this once pesky little brother of mine!

Hatred, it’s a harsh word, harsher yet sentiment and one that I thought I could never truly feel toward another human being, but I was wrong. Oh, I have disliked plenty of people in my 32 years, mostly lowlifes who tend to take advantage of the less fortunate but to truly hate, well I am somewhat surprised that I find myself capable of doing it, but I do. I hate Lin Wong; I hate him for forcing himself on us, not just because of what he did to my youngest brother, but for what he has done to my family. He has forever left his mark on our lives, in our memories and needless to say, those aren’t good memories, they are memories that each of the four of us will carry in our hearts for the rest of our lives, especially Little Joe; and for that more than any other reason, I hate the man.

I have tried talking to Joe, tried to help him move beyond what has happened but he is so hurt, so ashamed of what he thinks he has done, that seeing him struggle with his own hate, hating Wong and himself, only intensifies my own hatred of the man.It’s hard to tell a person that it’s wrong to hate, no matter what has happened to you, it’s harder yet when that person you’re trying to help is your own flesh and blood and you also hate the same person even if the reasons are somewhat different. I understand why Joe hates the man; he forced Joe to see a side of him self that until now, Joe never knew existed. He showed Joe his own weakness, plus his inner fears and he proved to my brother that he, Joe, could be broken.That knowledge has changed my brother, made him to feel less a man, less capable of standing on his own and Wong has managed to instill into Joe’s loving heart a sense of dread about life and what a real man truly is that wasn’t there until that vicious animal took advantage of everything that was good and decent about Joe including his good looks, his sensitivity and his vulnerability and left him a shattered shell of his former self. For those reasons alone, I wish I could put my hands around that scrawny neck of Lin Wong’s and choke the life out of him, if it were only possible for a man to physically die more than once!

I only wish I knew the right words to say, I want my brother back, I never knew until I nearly lost him just how much I needed HIM in my life, not just as a brother but as my friend, my cherished friend. Please God; tell me how to help him before it’s too late.

The scream pierced the night, shattering the silence and jarring Adam from his slumber.Adam jumped from his bed and ran to the room down the hall flinging open the door. Joe lay on his bed, his body covered with sweat as he struggled to free himself from the imaginary villain that pinned him down. His arms frayed wildly about in mid air, tears streamed from his closed eyes as he tossed his head about on the pillows that rested beneath the dark damp curls that had soaked the cases in which the pillows were housed. His feet was fighting to free themselves from the tangle of blankets and Adam moved swiftly to his brother’s side in an effort to wake Joe from his nightmare.

“Joe, Joe, wake up buddy,” Adam gently shook his brother’s trembling shoulders and called Joe’s name over and over until at last his deep mellow voice forced it’s way into the subconscious mind of his sleeping brother, crumbling the walls that held his nightmare in tact and freeing Joe from his tormented slumber.

Joe opened his eyes, the look wild and frightened as he scanned the face in front of him.The tears rolled from the corners on his eyes and into his ears, though he did not notice them. “Adam?” he mumbled and Adam could feel the tremors beneath his fingers as he held the younger man in his embrace.

“Yeah, it’s me Joe.You were having another bad dream.”Adam brushed the damp curls from his brother’s brow and offered an encouraging smile.“You okay now?”

Joe’s lips were parted as he sucked in gulps of air filling his lungs. “I think so,” he said as he rested his head once again into the softness of the pillows.“I’m sorry I woke you.” Joe took the glass of water that Adam offered to him and drank deeply. “Thanks.”

Adam placed the glass on the table next to the bed and returned to sit on the edge of the mattress next to his brother. “Want to talk about it?”

Joe shook his head no and closed his eyes momentarily before opening them again.“I’d rather forget it. Why don’t you go back to bed, I’ll be all right now.”

Adam knew enough about his brother not to push Joe to open up to him for in so doing, Joe would only withdraw deeper into his self.

“If you’re sure?I’ll sit with you if you want me too, just until you go back to sleep,” offered Adam.

Again Joe shook his head.“No, you go to bed, I’ll be fine.”Joe turned onto his side, dismissing his brother.

“All right little buddy, I’ll see you in the morning,” said Adam, placing the covers around Joe and tucking them in around him. Adam slowly walked to the door pausing briefly to watch as Joe snuggled into the warmth of the covers before closing it behind him.

Joe buried his face into his pillow to muffle his sobs. He had really wanted his brother to stay, he was scared to go back to sleep, scare that he would have another of the horrible nightmares that he had been having and he needed someone to talk too. The shame and guilt that he felt was eating away at him and he did not know how to handle it.He was scare to tell his father what was going on in his mind and heart, he was afraid that what he might confess would forever change how his father and his brothers felt towards him and Joe knew in his heart that if he no longer had his family’s support, what was left of his world would be non-existent and Joe knew he would rather die than to face life without the love and respect of his family.

Joe tossed and turned, unable to get back to sleep. He had no idea what time it was only that it was well before dawn as he climbed out of bed and stood in front of the window and wept. His sobs racked his body, his shoulders trembled as he buried his face in his hands and pleaded with God to help him.

“Joe?”

The sound of his name was spoken so softly that Joe barely heard it. Turning toward the sound Joe saw his brother in the dim light. Adam stood in the doorway, clad only in his nightshirt and barefooted, his hair mussed where he had tossed about in the bed and the tired look on his face told Joe that Adam had not gotten much sleep either. Slowly the older brother eased himself into the room and shut the door, unsure as to how he would be received.He had heard the pitiful weeping and the sounds tugged at his heartstrings forcing him once again from his warm bed and to the doorway of his brother’s room.

Joe turned back to the window and quickly wiped his tears on the sleeve of his nightshirt, ashamed to let his older brother see him cry. Adam eased up behind Joe and rested his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. Joe glanced over his shoulder at his brother, their eyes locking. The hazel eyes that stared into the dark brown eyes plainly showed his misery but the darker eyes were full of love and compassion; the ingredient that was needed to totally demolish the wall of Joe’s reserve.

Joe fell into his brother’s arms, large crocodile tears streamed from his flushed face as sobs racked his body.Adam’s strong arms held his weeping brother tightly, his own tears beginning to pool in his eyes and roll from the corners while he fought the battle that waged within his own heart at the man who had so sadistically misused his younger brother in such a way.

“I can’t take it anymore Adam.When will it all stop?” wept Joe, his face buried against his brother’s chest.

Adam’s hand gently massaged the nape of his brother’s neck as he held Joe’s head pressed against him.

“
I don’t know buddy, I wish I did,” Adam honestly told Joe.

“I’m so ashamed Adam…I let Wong do things to me…things that no man should ever…let another man do to him.It was wrong…but Adam…I’ve never been so scared in my life…I wanted to die…but then when he almost killed me…I wanted to live…I begged him to do to me…what he wanted…I was more afraid to die…than of what he wanted…I told him to do it…how am I going to live…with that?Pa…he’ll never forgive me…and you and Hoss…you’ll hate me…Oh God Adam, please…please…don’t hate me,” Joe poured out his heart, unable to stop his babbling once he had begun.

Adam continued to hold his sibling, continued to massage his brother’s neck and continued to listen to the horror that the boy whom he loved dearly had been subjected too.As he listened, Adam felt the hate growing deep within his heart for the man who had reduced his brother to the lowest level that a man could be force to.

“I can take anything…except for losing my family…please Adam, say you don’t…hate me,” begged Joe clinging tightly to his lifeline.

“Shh…Joe, I could never hate you.Do you hear me?” Adam pulled back and raised Joe’s head so that he could look into his brother’s eyes.

“I love you little buddy, do you understand that? Nothing you could ever do could cause me to hate you, nothing. What you did, you did under the influence of the opium, just like the first time.Joe, you are not responsible for what that monster did to you.Whether you begged him or not, he is the responsible party.He was a beast, a devil, and you should not blame yourself.Joe, look at me, I don’t blame you, and neither does Hoss or Pa. ”

Adam released Joe’s chin and Joe quickly returned his head to the security he had found against his brother’s chest.Joe could feel the rapid beating of the heart that thumped within Adam’s upper body. The soothing sound had a calming affect and soon Joe’s crying began to subside. After several minutes, Joe pulled away from Adam’s embrace and sat down on the side of the bed.

Looking into Adam’s eyes, Joe found the love and compassion that he had needed.He saw something else too, acceptance, unbridled devotion and when Adam blinked, Joe noticed for the first time his older siblings tears.

“Thank you Adam,” Joe swallowed the knot in his throat, “I want you to know how much you being here for me really means to me. Without you and Hoss as my brothers, I would have died a long time ago. You’re more than just a brother to me Adam; I want you to know that I consider you one of my best friends too.I love you; there, I said it; I’ve wanted to say it for a long time but I couldn’t bring myself to say it to your face.Doesn’t make much sense does it?I mean finding it so hard to say it to someone who you really care about should be easier, guess it gets harder the older you get,” Joe gave Adam a small smile, the first in a very long time.

Adam nodded his head, “I guess it does buddy.But I don’t think we’ll be having that problem from now on, do you?” Adam leaned over and gave Joe a playful punch on the arm that caused the younger man to broaden his smile.

“I reckon not,” replied Joe.

I felt a swell of pride in my heart for my brother. I also felt like he and I had somehow without really realizing it, reached some kind of understanding.When Joe had been very small, we had gotten along great; he was like my shadow always following me everywhere and telling Pa my every move, mostly at the most inappropriate times too, leaving me to face our father’s wrath alone. I remember thinking how I wished he would hurry and grow up so that he would leave me alone once in awhile.That had been childish on my part, for the time seemed to have passed too quickly and here I sit now, wishing that he were a boy again so that I would know better how to protect him from the evil in his world.Once I went off to college, Joe and I seemed to have drifted apart. When I returned four years later, Joe was no longer that tiny little peep-squeak that followed me around getting me into trouble and pestering me to death. He was half grown and had a mind of his own, which always seemed to be conflicting with mine and getting him into trouble with either Pa or I. Joe had really hated it when Pa had to be away on business and I had to be the disciplinarian until Pa returned home.It somehow didn’t help our frail liaison and as the years passed, the breach in our relationship widened, much to my regret.Now, all of a sudden, I find that Joe and I are sitting here as equals, each wanting and needing the same thing from each other, the desire to be not just brothers, but friends as well.This kid never seems to stop amazing me; he has the strongest spirit of anyone I have yet to meet. I’m proud of Little Joe, to me he’s a big man, a man’s man, and I’m proud to call him brother, prouder yet to call him friend. Thanks God, for letting us find our way back to each other.

Hoss, the most tender hearted of all shares his thoughts.

Little Joe has always been my very best friend. Adam and I are close, closer than he and Joe are, but with Joe, well, I can’t really describe our relationship.I know I would do anything for that kid.I’ve even killed for him. I can’t say that I’m sorry for having done so, the man more than deserved what he got, though I hate to think of anyone’s life being snubbed out, especially when that person stood about as far from God as that man Lin Wong stood.

The things he did to my little brother will be forever seared into my heart.He was demented; a devil if ever there was to be one.He almost succeeded in destroyin’ Little Joe this time.He had tried five years ago but had ended up in jail for what he had done then, this time though, he will never be able to harm my brother again, or anyone else for that matter. I know that to be fact cause I kilt him with my own hands.

Joe finally ventured out to the barn this mornin’. He had refused to leave the house; he was just to dadburn scared too. That bastard Wong had put the fear of Satan into Joe’s heart and Joe was just too frightened to stray very far from any of us, especially Pa. We never urged him too, Pa told Adam and I that Joe would come around, in time. But so much time has passed that I was gettin’ worried that Joe might never set foot out the door again.But this mornin’, at breakfast we, that is, Pa and I, noticed a difference in Little Joe. He seemed more relaxed, more comfortable and he even ate all of his breakfast. I noticed that he and Adam seemed to be exchangin’ little glances and I didn’t ask what that was all about, I figured that if they wanted Pa and I to know, one of them would tell us sooner or later. Adam did finally speak with Pa and Pa then relayed it on to me that Adam and Joe had had a long talk late last night after Joe had woke up from another nightmare. Adam had slipped into his room and one thing led to another and Adam said that before he knew it, Joe was in his arms, cryin’ his heart out and beggin’ Adam not to hate him.Gosh dangit, Joe otta know better’n to think that Adam or I could ever hate him. Shucks, we know that what happened to him wasn’t his fault, that rested on that damn Chinaman’s conscience, not Little Joe’s.

I was in the barn brushin’ down Chubb when I heard the barn door being pulled opened.I didn’t say nuthin’ at first, I just watched as Short Shanks made his way over to Cochise and began to pet his horse.Cochise sure acted as if’n he was pleased to see that little brother of mine, the way he tossed his head up and down. I saw Little Joe smile; boy was that a welcomed sight. Seems like’n Joe ain’t had much to smile about for a while, it was good to see him doin’ it again.I felt the tears begin to pool in my eyes, and I wondered if my kid brother knew how much he meant to me, it had been awhile since I’ve told him.

“Hey little brother,” Hoss said as he stepped out of Chubb’s stall.

Joe spun around, startled by the unexpected sound of his brother’s voice.

“What were you doing, hiding?” demanded Joe, trying to stop the trembling that had suddenly filled his body.

“Naw, I’m not hidin’ little brother.I’m sorry I surprised ya, Short Shanks,” Hoss apologized.

Joe gulped for air, “Well, next time, let a man know when you’re in here,” Joe nearly shouted at his brother.

“Aw, don’t get riled Joe.I didn’t mean nuthin’ by it.I was just watchin’ ya and that horse of yours. He sure seemed pleased to see ya.”Hoss’ smile seemed to take the anger out of Joe for Joe returned it with a small one of his own.

Joe petted the soft nose of his pinto, “Yeah, he did, didn’t he? Boy, I’d give just about anything to take him for a run…” Joe stopped suddenly and shot his eyes up at his brother, surprised at his own words and worried that he had given his older brother a clue to his hidden fear of being by him self.

“Why don’t ‘cha?” Hoss tempted, knowing full well that it wasn’t likely that Joe would ride off alone, not with just finding the courage to make it to the barn, but a plan had suddenly popped into his head.

“I…I…don’t think…I can,” stammered Joe.

Hoss noted the tears that had suddenly sprung into his little brother’s eyes and watched as the smile disappeared and was replaced with a frown.

“Why don’t ‘cha saddle ‘em up and I’ll saddle ole Chubb here and the two of us will give these ponies a run down in the meadow?” offered Hoss forcing a smile on his face in hopes that Joe would take him up on his offer.

Joe rested his forehead against that of his horse. “You’d do that for me?Knowing I’m too scared to go alone?”Joe turned to face Hoss, his pain clearly etched onto his face knowing that Hoss had already been aware of his turmoil. The sadness that Hoss saw in his brother’s eyes tore at his heart and he felt angered enough that he could kill again the same man if given half a chance.

“Looky Short Shanks, let’s get one thing straight right here’n now. I ain’t gonna force ya to do anythin’ ya ain’t ready to do. I ain’t thinkin’ nuthin’ bad about ya and I surely don’t think ya a chicken. I know ya been scared to death little buddy, I can’t begin to imagine what ya been through. I just want ya to know that I’m here for ya, if’n ya need me. Now do ya wanna take that ole nag of yours for a run or not?” teased Hoss though he had meant every word that he had said to Joe.

“Thanks Hoss,” Joe turned his head to prevent Hoss from seeing the tears that formed in his eyes, unaware that his movement had not been quick enough for Hoss had seen.

It took the brothers only a few minutes to have their horses saddled and ready to go.Ben was just entering the barn as Joe and Hoss were leading their mounts out.Neither brother missed the look of surprise on their father’s face as they led their horses from the barn and into the warm afternoon sunshine.

Hoss was the first to speak up, “We’re gonna ride down to the meadow and let the horses run a bit, Pa. Joe’s decided that it’s time for Cochise to get some exercise.”

Ben couldn’t help but stammer; he was shocked that Hoss had been able to convince Joe to leave the yard.“Um…um…”

Joe smiled at his father, “Close your mouth Pa, you might swallow a bug if’n you don’t.”Just as quickly the smile faded, “Don’t think for one minute I’d be doing this if this big guy hadn’t offered to tag along.” Joe pointed his thumb in his brother’s direction to indicate Hoss.

“Well Joseph, whatever the reason, I’m glad to see you make the effort. You boys have fun and be careful,” Ben gave each a smile and took a brief moment to place his hand on Joe’s shoulder. Softly, while Hoss checked the cinch on his saddle, Ben spoke in a whisper to Joe. “I’m proud of you son, please remember that.”Ben tenderly caressed Joe’s face and then moved to return to the house, his heart in his throat.

Joe gave Hoss a wistful look and mounted up.In a matter of minutes the brothers had ridden to the open meadow below the house.Both stopped on the rise that overlooked the green grassland below.

“I’ll wait here for you Short Shanks.I can see the whole valley from this rise; you take that horse for that run. When you’re tired out, I’ll be waitin’ right here.” Hoss watched as Joe gathered his courage, wishing with all of his heart that things had not happened to the boy that had brought such a change to his brother.

“You won’t leave me, will you?”Joe’s question was almost inaudible, but Hoss had heard.

“I just told ya, when ya finished, I’ll be right here, I ain’t goin’ anyplace Joe, I promise ya. Now git!”

Joe nudged Cochise into a gallop and minutes later the pinto broke into a full run with the wind blowing the horse’s mane and tail fully out looking like a ship with sails at full mast.Hoss heard Joe yell, “heehaw” as he rode hell bent across the open meadow and Hoss laughed softly to him self as he watched his brother and his horse who seemed to become one with each other.

As I sit astride Chubb and watch my kid brother racin’ like the wind across the meadow, I think how lucky I am, how lucky my family is that Joe is still with us.I know he wanted to die, I don’t know everythin’ that Wong did to him, he hasn’t confided in me as of yet. He may not, I know he talked to Adam but I’m not sure how much of what happened to him he revealed to our oldest brother. I’m not even sure how much, if anythin’ he’s told Pa. Joe has a way about him that makes him keep his worst thoughts and feelin’s buried deep inside of him, especially if he thinks he’ll hurt one of us. That’s why he has such a hard time dealin’ with things sometimes, cause he ain’t one to share his inner most feelin’s.He’s a lot like Adam in that respect though neither one of them would admit to anyone how much alike they are.And then Joe tends to want to shelter Pa and myself, Pa because Joe knows he’ll worry more about him if he tells too much.What Joe don’t know is that when he is tryin’ to protect Pa, he’s only amakin’ matters worse for himself which ends up causin’ Pa to worry anyway. As for me, well, Joe knows that I’d do anythin’ for him, he knows how tender hearted I am and I suppose that he thinks if I knew too much about what happened, I’d go off the deep end and do somethin’ stupid, like kill someone. Gosh dangit, I’ve already done that, and no matter what’s happened to that boy, I’ll still love ‘em, no one is gonna make me feel any different about that kid.Sometimes Joe can be his own worst enemy!

Watch that boy ride!I’m glad he decided to come out here, he needed the fresh air and sunshine, maybe it will help clear his mind.Today seems to have been better than any day so far since his comin’ home.Thanks God I know, even if’n Joe don’t know it yet, that you’re tryin’ to help my brother.

Joe rode for more than an hour before returning to the spot where Hoss waited for him.Hoss had dismounted and was sitting under the shade of a large Ponderosa pine dozing. Joe felt like a million dollars, the ride had done both he and his horse a world of good.Reaching down to pick up a long thin branch, Joe tickled his brother’s nose with the end of the stick where a lone leaf remained.Hoss grabbed for his nose and scratched but never opened his eyes.Joe crept closer, just with in Hoss’ reach and tickled the sleeping man’s nose for a second time, this time Hoss surprised his brother and grabbed him around the legs, pulling the startled boy to the ground beside of him. Instantly Hoss straddled the smaller man and pinning Joe’s arms over his head and holding them down with one large hand, with his free hand Hoss began tickling Joe as he had often done when Joe had been a boy.

Panic began to consume Joe as fear of being forced down and unable to get free filled his heart with dread and brought forth the recent unpleasant memories.Screaming to be released, Hoss unaware of his brother’s rising panic continued to tickle Joe relentlessly.

“Let me go…let me go,” screamed Joe, tears filling his eyes, his lower body bucking beneath Hoss’ weight as the larger brother held the smaller down to the ground.

“Oh no you don’t Little One,” laughed Hoss.

The name Hoss had used, Little One, sent Joe’s terror over the edge. How many times had he listened while Wong had called him by that name? How many times had Wong beat him with a riding crop, bruising his body with his cruel hands and all the while calling him Little One? Little One, Little One, it was like an arrow shot straight into his heart. It was more than Joe could bare and he briefly lost touch with reality.

“PA!PA…Oh God Pa…help me! Please don’t hurt me…please!” Joe screamed over and over until at last the panic filled words reached Hoss’ ears.

Instantly Hoss stopped his playful torment and pulled Joe into his arms. “Joe…Joe…its okay Punkin.I didn’t mean to scare ya boy…. it’s okay.Shh… Joe, don’t cry…please, I’m sorry Joe, honest.”

Joe buried his face in Hoss’ shirt and clung tightly to his brother’s strong arms.“I know Hoss, I know…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to lose it.It’s just…it’s just…”

Hoss cradled Joe tenderly in his arms.“I was just funnin’ with ya Joe, what happened?What did I do?”

Joe pulled free from Hoss’ embrace and sat up wiping his nose. “Hoss, it wasn’t you, honest.Just forget it, let’s get out of here.”Joe dusted off the seat of his pants and mounted his horse.Without a glance backward to see if Hoss was coming, Joe nudged his mount into a gallop.

Quickly Hoss mounted Chubb and followed, still wondering what he had said or done that would have caused his younger brother to over react to his playfulness.Hoss soon caught up to Joe and in quiet harmony rode together toward the lake.Soon, Joe pulled Cochise to a halt, dismounted and looped the reins across a small branch. Hoss did the same and when Joe sat down on the large boulder that they had shared many times in the past, Hoss quietly joined him.

Several minutes passed before either brother spoke. “Isn’t this the prettiest place you ever saw?” Joe asked at last.

Hoss nodded his head, “Yeah, I think so too, Little Brother. When I die, I wanna be put to rest right here, so’s I can look out over the lake.”

“I don’t wanna die, ever,” Joe said softly, and then cast sad eyes in Hoss’ direction.

Hoss studied his brother’s face, saw the haggard look that appeared etched there and noted the tears that had unexpectedly welled up in his hazel eyes.

Without taking his eyes off Joe’s, Hoss smiled, “I don’t really wanna die either Joe, but fact is, we’re all gonna hav’ta someday.”

“I know, it’s just that it scares me…not knowing what to expect I mean. Have you ever wished you could die though Hoss?I mean, have you ever been so scared of something that you prayed to God to just take you?”Joe wiped at his eyes and turned his head straight ahead, gazing out at the majestic sight of the sparkling blue lake and at the snow capped mountains stretching up to the sky on the opposite side of the blue water in front of him.

Hoss dropped his head, Joe’s question was leading up to something but he wasn’t sure just what it was.Silently he prayed that God would give him the right words when Joe finally got around to telling him what it was that still troubled him.

“No Short Shanks, I don’t reckon I have.See, the way I figure it, livin’ is better than dyin’.I know once ya in heaven things all work out for the better, it’s just that I ain’t never had a hankerin’ to find out, that’s all,” Hoss explained to his brother. He didn’t want to tell Joe that as of yet he had not met the man bad enough or big enough to scare him, as Joe had been scared.

“I wanted to die, when Wong had me chained and then again, when he had me tied to that bed, right before the three of you got there I wanted to die, I prayed for it to happen.I think sometimes I still want too,” Joe kept his head straight ahead, never looking at Hoss, afraid to see his brother’s reaction.

Hoss was silent for several minutes.“Why Joe? I mean why do you still wanna die?”

“Shame, hate, fear.I’m ashamed of what I let Wong do, what I begged him to do.I hate him more than any one person in this world and I’m afraid.I’m afraid of what Pa thinks of me.I’m afraid he’s disappointed in me.Adam says that he’s not, but I don’t know Hoss, I’m too afraid to talk to him, I couldn’t stand to see the pain in his eyes when I tell him what Wong really did to me.I’m even afraid to tell you.I can’t even look you in the eye right now, I’m afraid of what I might see. Tell me something Hoss, when did things start going so wrong for me? What did I do that was so bad that God has to punish me like this?” Joe’s tears rolled down his face and dropped onto his knees, which were pulled up to his chest, his arms encircled his legs as he buried his face in his folded arms.

“Joe, lookit me,” begged Hoss, fighting to keep his own tears in check. “Please.”

Slowly Joe raised his head and faced his brother. He was surprised to see that his brother’s eyes had filled with unshed tears but even at that, Joe could see his brother’s love within the iridescent pools of water.

“Joe, God ain’t punishin’ ya, boy.Pa and Adam and me, we ain’t judgin’ ya either.I’m glad ya didn’t die, Joe.Shucks kid, I’d be plum lost without ya. Don’t ya know that I love ya, Punkin?I always have, you’re the best friend I got.Now, I don’t ever wanna hear ya say again that ya wished ya was dead, ya hear me?” Hoss reached out his large beefy hand and ruffled Joe’s hair.

“Who’d I’d pester if’n I didn’t have ya to pick on?” laughed Hoss.

Joe wiped his eyes and in a strained voice, laughed. “No one I reckon.Guess that means ya better be nice to me from now on,” giggled Joe.

“Don’t count on it, squirt,” Hoss gave Joe a brotherly nudge with his shoulder, causing Joe to nearly fall from the large rock where he and Hoss was perched.

For several minutes the brothers sat on their perch, enjoying the serenity of the view and the silent presence of each other’s company.

“It was the name,” said Joe after awhile.

Hoss looked over at Joe, a puzzled look on his chubby face. “The name?What name?” he asked wondering what Joe was referring to.

“You called me Little One when you were holding me down. That’s what he called me.I guess hearing that name again and then you pinning me down like he did, I guess I just snapped Hoss. I’m sorry,” explained Joe.

“I didn’t know Joe.It won’t happen again, I promise.” Hoss understood now why his brother had freaked out earlier and he was truly apologetic.“I won’t ever call ya that again if it bothers ya that much. And Joe, I know I ain’t said it in quite sometime, but I want ya to know, and I want ya to believe it when I said that I loved ya.”

Joe smiled and Hoss was pleased to see the slight twinkle that had made it’s way into the hazel eyes that watched him.“Thanks Hoss, I love you too, now what say we get home, I’m hungry?”

“Come to think of it, I am too,” laughed Hoss as he hauled his heavy frame up and started toward their horses.

“When are you not hungry?Hurry up you big galoot, I’ll race you home.”With that Joe kicked his horse’s sides leaving Hoss to mount up and chase after him, a trail of dust whipping about his face as he urged his stallion on.

I think that today Joseph and I reached a understandin’. It wasn’t spoken, but it was somethin’ that we both felt within our hearts. Joe now knows that I could never judge him; he understands that I know he did what he had to do under the circumstances and I could never blame him for somethin’ that he could not help.That man who tortured my little brother, well, let’s just say he is reapin’ what he sowed cause if hell is as hot as everyone says it is, then that rascal is burnin’. I let Joe get way ahead of me; I wanted to take time to thank God for givin’ me this special day with my brother.I shall never forget it for today I truly believe was the beginnin’ of a new life for Joseph. His fears may continue to plague him for awhile longer, he may still have nightmares, but he knows now that he has a brother who…no, he has two brothers that will always be there for him, come hell or high water. Come on Chubb; let’s not let the little pest beat us to the table!

Hop Sing speaks out.

I too have watched number 3 son, the way he rambles around house. It soon wares on every body’s nerves.I try to talk to boy, but he avoids me like I am the monster that hurt him. I be patient though, I know soon, boy will come to me. He always has.I have been like second father to son since mother die when Little Joe just small boy. He grown man now, but have many little boy fears that scare him. It is a wise man that has fear.A man with no fear, is a man soon dead for he know no caution, but man with certain kind of fear in his heart, he soon learn who he can trust and who he not trust. Little Joe learn to fear the hard way.Evil man, a man of my own country, he put much fear into favorite son. I tell boy, do not continue to carry this new fear in heart, man dead, he not hurt you ever again. But boy’s pain too new, he not yet let go of painful memory.He will soon. He has family, a father and two brothers that love him and will stand by him no matter what.

I know what evil man do to boy.He want make woman out of boy, use him as a man should never be used. Lin Wong, he full of devil.Joe Cartwright good man always was good boy when growing up.Give father much worry at times though, father say hair white cause little boy make it white. But he only tease, he very much love youngest son. He spoil boy, make him happy.Big brothers help father to spoil little boy, they adore boy.

I have seen many times brothers come to aid of Little Joe. Usually when Little Joe get himself into trouble that he not able to get out of.Then brothers come to rescue, they fuss at him, call him pest, but they always take care of little boy. Always seems to know when boy need them. Many nights Joseph slip into brother’s room and crawl into bed with them when he scared. He has nightmares that keep him from sleeping, he sleep just fine in bed with brother. He usually sneaks into Adam’s room; Little Joe tell Adam, Hoss snore too loud, no can sleep.I have seen him slip into Papa’s room too.Mr. Ben, he no tell older sons; they accuse him of favoring youngest son. They know in hearts that father love them as well. There is just some thing about number 3 son that makes family want to protect him.Maybe because he smallest as well as youngest. Little Joe say brothers like to boss cause they are older and bigger, probably some truth in boy’s words, but he know brothers love him and most time, Little Joe not really mad, just playing at being mad. I hear horses in yard, Little Joe and Hoss return from ride. I hurry put food on table, growing boys will be hungry.

“Hey Pa, we’re home,” shouted Hoss tossing his hat on the credenza and peeking around the corner into Ben’s study in search of his father.

Ben came from the kitchen, a full cup of hot coffee carefully balanced on the fine China saucer.“Well, it’s about time. How was the ride?”Ben smiled casting anxious eyes at his youngest son.

“It was great Pa. It felt good to be outside in the wide open again. Hey, is Hop Sing in the kitchen?I’m starved, I’m going to see what he has cooking.”Joe gave his father a big smile and marched on toward the kitchen purposely omitting the incident with Hoss when he had suddenly been so frightened.

Hoss, hands shoved deeply into his pockets, smiled broadly at his father. “He’s gonna be fine Pa. We really had a good time and we managed to talk some.” Hoss too omitted telling his father about Joe’s little scare, if Joe wanted Pa to know, Joe could do the telling, decided Hoss.

Ben slipped his arm across Hoss’ broad shoulders, “I’m glad everything went well.Maybe from now on he will start getting out more.I need not tell you how much I miss the former Joseph now do I?”

“Naw,” smiled Hoss, “I know, cause I miss him too, but I honestly think he’ll be back soon.”

Joe entered the kitchen slowly.He had been avoiding Hop Sing.He had done the very thing five years ago when he had first gotten home after being adducted by Lin Wong the first time.Only after Hop Sing had threatened to quit his job and return to China had Joe realized how much the little Chinese man had meant to him.

Hop Sing was busy at his worktable when Joe entered the kitchen. Joe stood silently and watched the little oriental buzz about his kitchen moving from the worktable to the stove and back again preparing the evening meal.Joe could not recall a time in his life when Hop Sing had not been present.The little man was as much family to him as were his father and brothers. Hop Sing had cared for him after his mother died, Pa having been so wrapped up in his sorrow, Adam had had to run the ranch in his father’s absence until Ben had finally been able to move on with his life. Hoss had only been a boy, still in school and when he was home, Adam needed his help, so it had fallen on Hop Sing to see that Joe had been properly cared for.It was a job that the loving servant had cherished for he loved Joe no less than if the young man had been his own flesh and blood son.

“Boy come into kitchen.No need to hide from old friend,” Hop Sing had sensed Joe’s presence therefore found no need to turn around and face the boy.

Joe could not resist a tiny smile.Smiling seemed to come easy today and he told himself it was a much more pleasant thing to be doing than to cry all day.

“How’d you know I was there?” asked Joe, moving to take a seat at the little table where Hop Sing was busy making biscuits for their supper.

“How Hop Sing always know boy there or what boy need?” Hop Sing gave Joe a welcoming smile as he worked.

“I don’t know Hop Sing, how do you?” asked Joe, curious as to how Hop Sing did always seem to know what one of them needed before they ever asked.

“Hop Sing know cause Hop Sing wise to ways of those he loves,” explained the little manservant.“Hop Sing love family, know what each need, when they need it and most times why they need it. It Hop Sing job to know, but Hop Sing know cause Hop Sing make business to know.”

“Hop Sing know number three son need something for stomach, Hop Sing right?” smiled Hop Sing, handing a small plate of cookies to his favorite son.

“Thanks Hop Sing, I was hungry.”Joe crammed a whole cookie into his mouth.

“Hey Hop…” started Joe.

Hop Sing gently swatted Joe’s hand with the wooden spoon he was using. “Boy no talk with mouth full.Father done forget to teach manners.Now chew first, talk later.”

Hop Sing sounded like he was angry but in truth, he was enjoying himself. It had only been out of necessity that Joe had come to him at all since returning and Hop Sing took pleasure in having Joe’s company now for it had seemed as before that Joe was uneasy about being caught alone with the Chinaman, and Hop Sing had willed him self to remain patient with the boy’s unintentional sensitivity towards him.

Joe quickly chewed his cookie then swallowed it. “I’m sorry Hop Sing.”

“You are forgiven.Now, what you want to say to me?” Hop Sing suddenly asked.

“How’d you know I wanted to talk to you? Oh, never mind, you know everything, don’t you?” laughed Joe.

Hop Sing stopped what he was doing and pulled out the other chair. When he sat down facing Joe, Joe was aware of how his dark almond shaped eyes seemed to bore into the deepest corners of his heart and mind. The feeling left him somewhat shaken, another pair of dark almond eyes had looked at him in almost the same way.No thought Joe quickly, these eyes that stared at him now were kind, loving eyes, unlike the evil eyes of his tormentor.

“I know boy need to know if Hop Sing still his friend. I know boy need to know that Hop Sing still love him and I know boy need to tell Hop Sing something important to boy’s heart. The answer to first question is Hop Sing always be Little Joe’s friend. No man can change that, unless boy want it to change. You want it change?”

Joe, suddenly unable to find his voice, shook his head no in answer to Hop Sing’s sudden question, surprised that Hop Sing had known instantly what had been on his mind.

“Answer to number two question, Hop Sing love number three son like boy his own son.No thing that number three son ever do, ever change what Hop Sing carry in heart for Marie’s little boy. You believe that, Little One?” Hop Sing asked, using the same name that Hoss had used earlier that had ripped Joe’s heart in two.

Something about the way that Hop Sing said it sounded so different than when Wong had used it.Maybe because when Hop Sing used it, Joe could feel the love that poured forth from this Chinaman rather than the evil that resounded in the voice of Lin Wong.

“I’d like to believe it, if I knew it were true,” replied Joe almost shyly.

“Hop Sing ever say to Little Joe an untruth?” said Hop Sing, somewhat taken back by Joe’s statement.

Joe shook his head and then gave the little Chinaman a smile. “No, you never have Hop Sing.I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think I thought you were not being sincere. I do believe you, I believe you just as much as I believed Adam when he told me he loved me and Hoss when he said it this afternoon. And I know without having to ask that Pa loves me too. I just needed to hear it from your own lips I guess,” confessed Joe.

Hop Sing rose from his seat and began cutting the biscuits out again. “Everyone need hear that they are loved. It good medicine for troubled soul.”

“Thanks Hop Sing,” smiled Joe as he too rose from his seat and stuffed another cookie into his mouth.Turning Joe started toward the kitchen door but stopped short.

“Hop Sing,” he said, his mouth still full of the cookie. “I love you, too.”With that, Joe hurried from the room before Hop Sing had another opportunity to swat him with his wooden spoon.

I smile to self, I knew Joseph love Hop Sing, other wise, boy would not have come to kitchen.He good boy, he be fine, in time.He has love of all in this house, for this house is his home and in his home there be much love. Men who love as God would ordain man to do, not hate like evil man who want to hurt the son of man who loves much.Joe not realize yet, but his God watch over him, send many angels to keep safe. Big job for angels, boy always in much trouble!

Ben Cartwright on thoughts and feelings about his youngest offspring, Joseph.

I heard the most wonderful sound earlier today. I t was a sound that has been missing from our home for several weeks now, one that until recently, I had assumed would always echo within these walls. But I was taught something, a valuable lesson really, never take anything or anyone for granted especially those you love. For in a matter of just a few minutes, your life can be changed forever, and trust me, I don’t mean changed for the better either. I mean it could just as easily be changed for the worst. But now that I have had time to consider everything that has happened, even something of good quality can come from something awful, true, we may have to look for it, but I remember the 23^rd Psalms where it says that, ‘he restoreth my soul’.I shared those very words with my youngest son, Joseph, recently. He had gone through a terrible time, a horrifying incident really, and somehow those very words seemed to have set him thinking and in spite of himself, he is finally coming to terms with what has happened to him. For the first time this morning he admitted to me that he understands now, that being held a prisoner of that evil man Lin Wong, who wanted nothing more than to destroy my son, for the second time I’m telling you, Joe was able to admit that it was not his own fault but that of Lin Wong’s.

The wonderful sound I heard that I was telling you about? It was the magical sound of Joseph’s laughter.It has a sound all it’s own, one that I’ve never heard coming from another person, and it’s one that once you heard it, you’d never forget it. I’m not sure what brought on the giggles, but needless to say, I rejoiced and praised God, for the sound of it was music to my ears.

“Pa, ya don’t understand,” Joe wept, turning from his father in an effort to hide his tears from this man he most admired and loved but whom he believed in his heart was disappointed and worse, ashamed of him for his weakness.

“No Joseph, I don’t understand.I never meant for you to think I did.No one son, can fully grasp what you must be feeling unless they have been through what you have been through. I only meant that I understood your fear, or the reason for your fear.” Ben moved across the room and stopped behind Joe, placing a reassuring hand on the boy’s trembling shoulder, glad that they were alone in the house so that he might have freedom to speak openly with his troubled son.

“Look at me Joseph, please,” added Ben when Joe refused to turn and face his father. Ben placed a second hand on Joe’s other shoulder and gently forced his son to turn and face him.

Joe allowed himself to be turned but still did not raise his eyes to meet his father’s, instead he permitted his chin to rest on his chest and his eyes studied the floor where he focused on the toe of his boot.

“Son, I know you were scared.You had every right to be.Lin Wong was a vicious cruel man who wanted nothing more than to destroy something that was good and decent, you, my son, in whom I am very proud…” began Ben.

“Proud?” Joe suddenly shouted and moved away from his father, tears of shame filling his eyes.Turning, Joe stared into Ben’s face.“How can you stand there and say you are proud of me?After what I did, what I begged that animal to do to me?I’m a coward!”The tears spilled over, momentarily obscuring Joe’s vision until he swiped at them with his hands.

“Joseph…” Ben took a couple of steps nearer to Joe but Joe side stepped Ben and moved to where the wide boarded table in front of the fireplace separated them.

“You don’t get it do you Pa?” fumed Joe, struggling to control the tears that had filled his eyes for the second time during the course of the conversation and the frustration that he had been feeling since coming home weeks ago.

“Get what, son?What is it that you’re not telling me?How do you expect me to help you if you don’t tell me what it is that is eating at you?” Ben had a battle of his own going on in his heart.He wished more than anything to take his tortured son into his arms and hold him as he had done when Joe had been a small boy.He wanted to make things better for his son who had suffered unmeasured amounts of pain and humiliation at the hands of Lin Wong, opium dealer and kidnapper of young vital men for use in his sick sex games of pleasure and pain. But Joe was no longer a little boy, he was a grown man, twenty years of age and what he fought with within his inner self was something that his father could not wish away nor kiss away.It was something that Joseph was going to have to find a way of his own to deal with.Ben could only give advice, reassurance and most of all, his love and support in which he readily gave.

Joe had dropped his head again, the memories of his torture bringing new life to the fear and self-hatred that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in his life and all but making him insane.

Joe had fought his inner demons since coming home from San Francisco five years ago. He had finally been able to put those demons to rest and get on with his life when suddenly the devil himself had reappeared to claim what he had deemed his.Joseph closed his eyes; the tears slowly making their way down his face as the thoughts of finding himself once again held in the clutches of the man who scared him more than anyone or anything had ever scared him before sent shivers of fear racing through his veins.

“Pa,” gulped Joe before continuing, “There are things that you don’t know.Things I can never tell you, things about what Wong did to me that I will take to my grave.”Joe lowered himself onto the settee and buried his face in his hands. His sobs ripped the heart out of the father who moved quickly to his son’s side and slipped his arms about the heaving shoulders. Joe totally spent from weeks of misery and self-abomination leaned his head against his father’s shoulder and allowed Ben to hold him while he cried.

“Pa, I was…so scared.More than I…have ever been. Wong did things to me…worse things than what…he did the first time.” Joe’s words were broken and he struggled to get them out.

“I was…so afraid that I…was ready…for him to do…what he wanted…just so he wouldn’t…hurt me anymore.” Joe raised his head slightly and for the first time, looked into his father’s compassionate eyes. What he saw there gave him the courage to finish what he wanted to say.

“Pa,” it was almost a whisper, the way that Joe said it. “I begged him…to do it.I even told him…that I wanted him…to do it.”And then shame caused Joe’s crying to cease, as Joe pulled free of the loving arms that held him and moved to stand with his back to his father while staring into the fireplace.

It was then that the enormity of what my youngest son had suffered at the hands of the wicked man finally dawned on me. Oh, Iknew why Wong had kidnapped my son the first time.I knew soon afterwards that the man was deranged, that he sought out young boys, kidnapped them and took them into hiding where he tortured them until he had finally succeeded in breaking their spirits. And once that had been accomplished, and Wong had satisfied himself with the boy in question, Wong would put the boys on a ship bound for China where they were sold in private auctions attended by ungodly men such as Lin Wong had been.Most of the boys that were taken there were bought by rich opium dealers and used as male prostitutes for the demented men who frequented those types of places. Wong had almost been successful where Joseph had been concerned but a twist of fate had saved my son from the evil clutches of that bastard. That’s not saying that Joseph had not suffered any ill effects, he did, and it had taken quite some time for him to overcome his fears. Now we were back to point A and about to start all over.

“Please listen to me for a minute son.”Ben moved to Joe’s side but made no attempt to touch him, choosing instead to seat himself on the stone hearth.

“Wong was an evil and wicked man, we both know that. He deserved to die, my only regret is that I wasn’t the one to kill him.” Ben stopped momentarily to watch his son’s face.

Joe had one arm extended to rest his hand on the stones that make up the fireplace and his forehead rested on that extended arm. Ben could see the tears that rolled from his son’s face and the sight broke his heart.Joe had stopped trying to hide his shame and self-abomination from his father and Ben cringed at the defeated look that his son wore and the way that Joe’s body language told him that his youngest had all but given up hope of ever getting his life back to normal.

“Joe, he’s dead, he can never hurt you again.Only in your mind will he be able to destroy you now and…”

Joe straightened his frame and faced his father. “You think it is as simple as just forgetting what happened to me? Well I’m sorry Pa, I can’t.It haunts me every minute I’m awake and then again at night when I try to sleep. I can’t even close my eyes without seeing that bastard’s eyes boring into me or his smile as he beats me…or puts his hands on me and I get the same sick feelings I had when he had me tied to that bed ready to…to…” Joe stopped, unable to go on.Joe gulped in air and forced himself to continue.

“Not to mention how I feel about myself…do you think I am proud of what I let that bastard do to me? Hell no Pa, I hate myself for what he did to me, and Pa…he told me I would give in, he told me I would beg him…and he told me I would hate myself and him for doing it. Well, he was right on all aspects, especially hating myself…do you honestly think I can just forget it as if it never happened?

“Of course I don’t expect you to forget, at least not yet, but son, in time those nightmares and the fear will lessen,” Ben tried to comfort. “You know from having experienced it the first time, five years ago. You didn’t think you would ever be able to get beyond that but you did, and I promise you Joseph, you will get passed this, if you just let me and your brothers help you.Joe, you have to believe in us and you have to start believing in yourself once again.”

Ben took a deep breath and continued, “Son, do you remember what you were doing, just before your brothers and I burst into that room?”

Joe nodded his head without looking at Ben.“Praying.”

“That’s right son, you could be heard all the way out into the hallway praying the 23^rd Psalms.We heard Wong screaming at you to stop, but you kept right on praying, you didn’t stop, not even after Hoss had killed Wong, you continued to pray. Joseph, don’t you see son, that it was God that got you through your, ‘valley of the shadow of death’?” asked Ben.

Joe turned and sat down next to his father on the hearth and became very quiet as he thought about the things his father was telling him. Ben rose, moved to his desk and withdrew something from the drawer and hurried to sit down again next to Joe.With care Ben opened his bible and flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for.

“Read this Joseph,” Ben instructed and placed the bible into Joe’s hands.

Joe studied the pages and then looked into Ben’s face. “It’s the 23^rd Psalms.Why do you want me to read it, trust me Pa, I know it by heart.”

Ben smiled, “I know you do son.These were the first bible verses that your mother taught you.By the time that you were 3 years old, you could say it from memory.

But I want you to read it to me, please son.”

Joe studied the pages one more time, cleared his throat and began to read.At first his voice was quiet but with each passage his voice gained in momentum as the words he read gave him courage until by the time he finished he had spoken each word clearly.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul, he leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Joe sighed deeply and tried to hand the bible back to his father but Ben refused to accept it.

“Read the third verse again for me,” Ben asked softly.

Joe gave his father a puzzled look but read again, “He restoreth my soul…”

“Stop right there, please son.Do you understand what that means?‘He restoreth my soul’”. Ben repeated.

“I guess so, it means that God will make you whole again, I think,” answered Joe softly.

“It means Joseph, that once we have committed our lives to God, no one, not even someone as evil as Wong can destroy our souls. Our souls belong to God, and only God.Someone like Wong might try to destroy our lives, even our bodies, but he is never given the power to claim what is rightfully God’s; not even Lucifer has that much power.And when we suffer as you have suffered, if you believe what you just read to me, what you yourself were praying that night, then God has given you the answer to your problems. You just have to be willing to allow God to do his job. Do you understand what I’m telling you Joseph?Do you understand that God will restore your soul, if you just let him?”

I saw the wheels begin to turn in my son’s mind as he considered my words. I had been praying for days and nights that God would give me the words needed to help my son.Joe was fast becoming depressed and I watched daily as he withdrew further and further into himself and I was becoming alarmed at the rate in which it was happening. Then just last night as I sat alone in my room, praying and reading God’s written word; it came to me, the 23^rd Psalms. I knew it was the prayer that we had heard Joe praying that night as he battled the wickedness that threatened to claim him. I read the same verses over and over several times, knowing all along in my heart that God was trying to show me something.And then I saw it, God’s promise that no matter what our enemies might attempt to do to us, no matter how they fought to drag us down into the pits of hell with them, they could never be the victor, for our souls belonged to God.I knew Joseph’s did, his mother had taught him well and without even realizing what he had done, Joe had drawn courage when he called upon his childhood lessons taught by the mother he had adored. I knelt at my bedside then and thanked God for showing me the way and for giving to me a wife who cared enough and loved deeply enough to instill into her young son, the promises of God.

Joseph had looked into my eyes then and held my gaze. It was the first time in months that he had really looked at me. I saw the tears begin to well in his beautiful green eyes and I will never forget the question he asked me.

“Does this mean that God still cares about me in spite of what has happened?” Joe’s chin began to quiver as he choked up. “Will he forgive me for asking Wong to…”Even then Joe couldn’t say the words.

“Joseph, I assure you God still cares, and as for the forgiving, I bet God figures like I do, you haven’t done anything that needs forgiving, unless you count trying to stay alive and I don’t think God would consider that a sin.”Ben smiled at his son and slipped his arm around Joe’s shoulder.Ben could feel the trembling that took place beneath his hand as he rested it on his son’s shoulder.

“I’m proud of you Joe.I think you are the bravest young man I know.It took courage to face that man and it took bravery to stand up to him like you did, I’ll never be ashamed of you, you did what you felt you had to do to stay alive. Even though you told me that you wanted to die, when it got down to the nitty-gritty, you fought, as any man would do in the face of death, you fought to live. And I’m glad you did son, I don’t know how I would have been able to go on with my life if I had lost you.” Ben couldn’t resist the urge to pull Joe’s head onto his shoulder and place a kiss on the mass of dark curls that graced his son’s head.

“I love you Joseph, please don’t ever forget that,” whispered Ben holding tightly to his youngest and most vulnerable son.

“I love you too Pa,” replied Joe slipping his arm about Ben’s neck and surrendering all his fears and self hatred to God as he rested in the comforting arms of his earthly father and waited for God, his heavenly father, to begin His restoration of his soul.

Admitting his fears:

I have given a lot of thought to what has happened to me. I can’t understand for the life of me, why God would allow such an evil man as Lin Wong was, to walk the face of this earth. I know I’m not supposed to question God, so I won’t, but still it’s hard to comprehend.

I know that when Wong held me as his prisoner, I was more afraid than I have ever been or probably will ever be.I hope and pray that I never have to go through something like that again. I wouldn’t wish that kind of brutality on my worst enemy. It is not something that I care to remember; I’d rather forget it and put it all behind me.I hope that I will one day be able to do just that.

I know now that I have the full support of my family and also their love. You know, it is the best thing in the world to know that no matter what, I have a family who will always love me and who will always be here for me when I need them.I hope they realize just how much that means to me and just how much I love each one of them. I promised myself that from this day forward, I would do all in my power to show them and to be the brother and son that each of them can be proud of, for I know that without them, I am nothing.

Pa is the finest man I know.I could have been born a hundred times to a hundred different fathers and not one could have come close to being the father to me that Ben Cartwright has been. I hate to think of the day when my Pa will no longer be with me. I love that man more than any other person on the face of this earth. I love him and respect him and God I pray that I can be the kind of son that he can really be proud of.I hope that he knows that I would never do anything purposely to hurt or disgrace him. I could not live with myself if I knew that Pa was ashamed of me. That’s partly why this whole thing with Wong has had me torn up so inside. I thought Pa was ashamed of me for letting Wong put his filthy hands on my body and for not stopping him, not that I could, chained and tied and drugged the way I was.It took Pa saying it to me, that he was not ashamed of me, he even said that he was proud of me. Can you imagine that?I wouldn’t have guessed it, not with all of these mixed emotions that have plagued me lately. But that is what he said, ‘Joseph, I’m proud of you’. Thanks Pa; you’ll never know what that meant to me, hearing you say it.

You know, there are different types of men in my father’s house. There’s Pa, I already said how I felt about him.Then there’s Adam, my oldest brother.Adam and I have had our moments, I’ll confess to that. Mostly though they have been my fault. I guess lots of times I did things on purpose, just to get him riled and to get under his skin. I know I shouldn’t have, but hey, what are younger brothers good for. All kidding aside, I wouldn’t trade Adam for anyone else’s brother. I know I can trust him to tell me the truth, even if it hurts and isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.I don’t reckon he’s ever lied to me, if he has, I’ve never known about it. I wouldn’t want to know either cause you see I have this special ideal about Adam as to what oldest brothers are suppose to be like, and I’m proud to say, Adam fills the bill to perfection and I’m proud to tell anyone that he’s my brother and he’s my friend.I have always been able to count on Adam, he’s always been here for me when I needed him the most, like five years ago, it was Adam who helped me the most, letting me pour my heart out to him and again this time.It was mostly Adam that would come to me when I would be having a nightmare and it was Adam who held me most nights when I needed to feel safe. And the thing that really touched my heart and started me on the road to recovery was that Adam did all of this without judging me, he didn’t let what happened to me interfere with his feeling for me as his brother. He promised me that nothing that had ever happened to me or nothing that I might have done due to how I had been treated could ever change the fact the we were brothers or the fact that he loved me, now and always. I knew then that I could face just about anything knowing that Adam, in spite of our shaky relationship, loved me for with Adam it wasn’t easy to give his love or express his inner most feelings.I knew he hated Lin Wong, we all do but I also know that part of the healing I have to go through is learning to forgive.I don’t know if I can ever forgive Wong for what he did, it’s something that will take time and perhaps someday, with God’s help I can, we’ll just have to wait and see; right now I feel as if it is asking too much of me so I can’t promise, cause I might be lying if I did say that I forgive him. I realize now though that I have to let go of the hate, I can’t continue to carry it in my heart because it will destroy me if I do. So I’ll let it go, but the forgiving part will take time. Adam says that time heals all wounds; I wonder though just how much time it really takes, a month, a year, perhaps a lifetime?

There’s another type of man in my father’s house. A special kind of man whose heart is as big as the man himself and as kind and caring as anyone could hope to find.I’m talking about my middle brother, Hoss.He’s my very best friend, the one who would do anything for me, which he has proven just recently. I talk to him about almost everything, but some things, like some of the things that Wong did to me, well, I just can’t tell Hoss about those. He’s too sensitive, it would crush him if he knew what Wong really intended to do.I couldn’t hurt him that way, and even though he says his feelings would never change towards me and I know he’s telling me the truth, I just couldn’t risk it. I mean, if Hoss weren’t around, or if I thought for one second that that big galoot didn’t love me, I guess I’d go crazy.I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to Hoss or if anyone ever came between us, I love him too much to find out.

And then there’s kind, gentle, loving Hop Sing. Wonder where I would have been had Hop Sing not stepped in when I needed him most?I have never known a time when Hop Sing failed to give his love, support, comfort and care to me. Five years ago, I treated him awfully bad, he was ready to quit his job and go back to China because he claimed he loved me so much that he did not want to be the reason I was miserable in my own home.See, I sorta took my hate of Wong out on Hop Sing when I finally got home. I associated the two, them both being from China and being Chinese and all.It took Adam telling me that Hop Sing was leaving the Ponderosa to bring me to my senses enough that I begged him to stay.I tried harder this time when I got home, not to let Hop Sing see my fear every time he came near me. I kept telling myself that he had nothing to do with what Wong did to me. It was hard, but just today I felt some of the weight lifted from my shoulders that I had been carrying around.Adam helped me first, then Hoss and finally Pa. The words that Pa said to me, the bible verses he made me read, they really got me to thinking.What with Ben Cartwright as my Pa and Adam and Hoss as my brothers, not forgetting to mention Hop Sing, why would I want to die?I have the best family that a man could ever want.I have a loving father, two devoted brothers, and a very special friend, what man could ask for more? I couldn’t.

I know now that in order to get on with my life, I have to try to put what Lin Wong did to me behind me and move forward and the way to do that is to let God do what he promised, and that was to restore my soul. I have to learn not to hate myself; my family has made me to realize that I cannot hold myself responsible for what Wong did to me. When Pa explained to me that no man, no matter how evil, could destroy my soul because God would not allow it, something inside of me changed. I felt like there was hope for me, I thought, ‘there is a light at the end of the tunnel’ and I understood then that yes, my body and my mind suffered, but not my soul.And if the soul is the true spirit of man and mortal man can never destroy it, then my job now is letting God heal my body, mind and my heart.I have to want that, and trust me, I do, more than anything in this world; I want my life back, I want to know that regardless of what Wong did, I am still Joe Cartwright, still a man and hopefully a better man than before.

I’ve learned plenty, I’ve learned that there is evil in this world that can wreak havoc on your life if you let it, but I’ve also learned that God’s love and grace is sufficient, and His power is more powerful than any evil that is among us. Having the support and love of one’s family is the icing on the cake.I have no doubts that my life as I once knew it will never be the same, but I also know that if I try, my life will be better than before for having lived in hell as I have. I have learned to appreciate what God has given to me and that’s His healing love and mercy.I know that God had his angels watching over me, I know He knew my fear and my weaknesses and I know that now He is aware of what I have been feeling in my heart and mind and that’s self-hate and shame.Pa says that I have to let go, give it to God, for God still loves me and Pa says that He doesn’t hate or blame me and if God doesn’t, since my soul belongs to Him, then I shouldn’t hate myself or I shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened to me or of how my own body betrayed me. I have a hard time with that, I mean, with so much pain, my body seemed to have a mind of it’s own outside of the pain, but then again Pa says that is because the body is man, his flesh and blood and what my body did was not what the soul has done. It made sense to me then, my body being just a shell that housed the soul and subject to whatever man could force it into, but the soul being God’s remained untouchable by man. I believe Pa, he’s never lied to me and I figure if anyone knows his bible, Pa does, he has always tried to live by it and I’m thankful that he has for now his wisdom is helping me to see things in a different perspective than before and now I am more able to move forward with my life. The least I can do now is try and with God’s help and my family’s love, I know I can beat this thing and I think in the end, God and me will be the victor’s instead of Lin Wong!I have a winning team on my side!

I know it won’t be easy, I suppose I will always carry some guilt in my heart and I can only imagine what the nightmares will be like, but I know in my heart now that I have my family’s total love and support and that means everything to me.No, I’ll not be wanting to die soon, I have too much to live for, I have my Pa and my brothers and I have Hop Sing.Thanks God, thanks for loving me and forgiving me and most of all, thanks for taking care of me when I needed it the most.

Joe brushed the tears from his eyes, rose from the side of his bed where he had been kneeling and straightened his shirt. Stopping in front of the mirror, Joe studied his reflection, rang his fingers through his thick curly hair and smiled at his image. The young man in the mirror returned his smile; Joe noticed that there was a slight twinkle in the eyes that stared back at him and Joe nodded his head in satisfaction at the smiling man.It was suppertime, Hoss had already called up for him to hurry and Joe did not want to keep his family waiting any longer than was necessary.

“Welcome back Joe Cartwright,” he whispered to the man in the mirror as he turned and slipped silently through the doorway and into the hall, shutting the door on his past, ready to face his future a better and wiser man.

The End

May 2002

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