Seven
Times In A Day
By Debbie B ;0)
Shocked, Ben staggered backward from the blow as the fist creased his jaw. Staring into the face of his youngest son, Ben witnessed the sudden change of expression as it darted from anger to confusion and then terror as realization of what he had just executed registered within Joe’s mind.
Ben rubbed the back of
his hand across the area of his face that was quickly beginning to bruise
while he watched the quivering chin and the sudden onslaught of tears that
rolled from the corners of the hazel eyes. Joe stood
as if paralyzed. Unable to move from the spot where
he seemed rooted, his astonished eyes locked into the puzzled brown eyes
that stared back at him. Time appeared to stop, no
one moved, no one spoke, and the only sound was the chime of the old grandfather
clock as it struck the hour. It was enough to bring
both father and son back to the present and as Ben reached his hand outward
to his son, Joe’s panic seized him and he turned and fled the house.
As Joe headed out the
door, Adam and Hoss were forced to step aside as the fleeing boy shoved his
way between them; his only thought was to distance himself from the man whom
he had just struck. Without hesitating Joe bounded
onto his horse, kicking sharply at the animal’s withers.
Cochise broke into a gallop as together
boy and horse exited the yard leaving in their wake a gray cloud of dust
and three pairs of confused eyes watching his getaway.
Joe rode blindly, the
tears obscuring his vision as he continued to ride hell-bent across the field
heading nowhere other than far away from the scene that remained vivid and
alive in his thoughts. Joe felt the wind blow his
hat from his head as he rode at full speed not caring about anything other
than the shame and guilt that had begun to wash over him for what he had
brought about.
In Joe’s young mind he
had committed the ultimate sin, he had, in a moment of uncontrolled rage
swung out and struck his father, the man whom he loved and respected more
than any other person on the face of the earth. It
mattered not to him that he had not intended to strike anyone, lest of all,
his father. He had only been trying to pull loose
from the hands that held his arm and in his anger had swung blindly in his
attempt to wrench free. Much to the shock of his father
and himself, Joe had over extended his wild swing causing his fist to connect
with his father’s jaw. Stunned and surprised, neither
Ben nor Joe could react at first with anything
other than bewilderment.
Joe did
not know how long he had been riding but when Cochise
began to automatically slow his pace Joe realized that it was well past the
time to stop. Cochise
had worked up a full lather and had begun to blow hard. Ashamed now for what he had forced his mount into doing Joe
slid from the saddle and pulled his gear from his horse. Using the saddle blanket, Joe began rubbing down Cochise in an effort to cool the sweating animal. Cochise snorted and blew as
Joe worked rubbing vigorously at the rub down while his thoughts returned
again to the incident that had transpired earlier.
Hot tears
sprang into his eyes as he worked. Thoughts of what
his father must be thinking seared his conscience and he felt again the pangs
of guilt that seemed to be eating away at his broken and troubled heart. How was he going
to be able to face his father or his brothers ever again, he questioned himself. Joe wondered what his two older brothers thought about
him now for he was sure from the startled looks on their faces as he had
ran from the house that they now knew what he had done. Joe
was convinced that by this time his entire family hated him for his actions
against the patriarch. Joe swiped away his tears;
they must, he whispered to Cochise, for he surely
hated himself.
When Joe finished with
the rub down he lowered his weary body onto a nearby rock and for the first
time, looked around to get his bearings. He was surprised
to find himself just a short distance from his mother’s final resting-place. Sighing deeply, he forced himself from his seat and saddled
his horse. Rather than mounting, Joe led Cochise the short distance to Marie’s burial site
where he tethered the horse to a nearby tree. Joe walked
the remaining stretch to the grave as a man going to the gallows. Dropping to his knees Joe buried his face in his hands
as once again the tears welled up and over flowed from his distraught eyes. Moment’s later loud broken sobs racked his body forcing
him to lie face down across his mother’s grave in defeat as he poured out
his heart.
“I’m so sorry Mama…I
didn’t mean to do it. Honest…I didn’t,” cried Little
Joe. “It just happened…I’m so ashamed…Mama…what am
I going to do?” he continued to cry aloud. “I know
Pa hates me…I…I…oh Mama, please help me. Tell me what
to do!” Joe cried until he felt he could cry no longer. Joe closed his eyes, exhaustion claiming his body and
before long he fell asleep atop the ground that covered Marie’s resting-place.
Ben tied Buck to the
branch next to Cochise and quietly slipped through
the trees, entering the clearing where his son lay upon the ground unaware. Ben stood several moments watching and waiting for Joe
to react to his presence but soon realized that the boy had given in to his
exhaustion and had collapsed. Easing his way forward,
being careful not to spook the sleeping boy should he awaken, Ben knelt beside
his son’s form and gently gathered the boy into his arms.
Joe whimpered softly in his debilitated sleep, opening his eyes slightly
not fully seeing whom it was that held him. Ben turned
and sat down propping himself against his wife’s headstone and pulled Joe
lovingly into his lap where the lad’s head rested against his chest. Tenderly Ben brushed at the stray curls that were damp
with sweat and using his thumbs, wiped away the remnants of tears that shone
on the young face.
Ben felt his own tears
as they clouded his eyes. Watching the boy sleep,
Ben’s thoughts turned to the events of the day and with a deep sigh, admitted
to his self that he was as much to blame for what happened as his son was. A frown caused his brow to furrow deeply knowing in his
soul that Joe would carry the guilt within his young heart and that he himself
would have to work feverishly at convincing the boy of his part in the unpleasant
mishap. For it was an accident, Ben told himself. He knew instantly by
the expression on Joe’s face the minute the boy’s fist had slammed into his
chin that it had not been intentional. Though somewhat
taken back by the force of the blow, Ben had reacted, as any father would
have when suddenly finding himself on the receiving end of a left hook delivered
by the hands of one’s own son. It was when tears had
so rapidly pooled in the hazel eyes that Ben had understood the erroneous
error of miscalculation on his son’s part that the punch had indeed been
an accident.
Joe stirred in his father’s
arms and suddenly opened his eyes. He was shocked
to see his father’s face in the fading light smiling down at him. Startled at finding him self held tightly by the man who
he presumed hated him, Joe struggled to pull free
from the restraining arms that stopped him from rising.
“Let me go,” cried Joe
trying to wiggle free from his father’s arms.
Ben’s smile faded, “Joseph,
stop. Be still son, we need to talk,” Ben said tightening
his hold around the squirming body, which only intensified the boy’s efforts
at freeing himself.
“No…I don’t want to talk. Just let me go!” cried Joe struggling with all of his
might against his father.
Joe could not look his
father in the eye, but the large dark bruise on the side of the elder Cartwright’s
chin did not go unnoticed by the younger Cartwright. Joe
instantly struggled harder; the dark blemish a gruesome reminded that he
had raised his hand against his own father. Joe felt
his own body shudder in reproach of himself and his hasty actions and fought
against the queasy feeling that had suddenly turned his stomach upside down
giving him the feeling that he might vomit.
Ben was forced to loosen
his hold and as he did so, Joe was able to jump to his feet where he took
several steps backward, widening the distance between himself and his father.
Ben took a step forward
but stopped when Joe held his arm outward, preventing him from coming nearer. “Joseph, its all right son. I know that it was an accident,” Ben stated in a calm
voice taking another step in Joe’s direction.
Joe trembled, as much
from the cold as from the fear he felt at having his father so close. He wanted to believe his father’s words but the guilt
he felt would not allow his thinking to fully absorb his father’s statement.
“NO!” shouted Joe, “You
hate me, I know you do. Adam and Hoss hate me, too,”
sobbed Joe, the tears once again streaming from his eyes.
Joe felt the pain hit
his stomach and turned his head from his father as the contents spilled forth
onto the ground. Ben took another step closer in an
effort to help his son but Joe managed to side step him. The look that appeared
on Joe’s face was one of agony but Ben knew that it was not from any physical
pain but from self-proclaimed condemnation.
Ben noted the haunted
look that shone in the tormented eyes that darted around seeking an escape
route and knew he had only minutes to try to convince the boy of his sincerity.
“Listen to me son, I
don’t hate you. Neither do your brothers. We all understand that it was an accident. Joe, I know you didn’t mean to hit me.
Please Joseph, let me…”started Ben but stopped when Joe reached his
horse and untied Cochise’s reins from the limb.
“I don’t believe you. How could you not hate me? What
kind of a son strikes his own father? I’ll tell you what kind, one who is
no good, just a sorry worthless no-account son, just like me. That’s what kind. Now just leave
me alone and let me go,” cried Joe turning to mount his horse.
Turning his horse around
so as to face his father, Joe studied his father’s face in the dim light
for the last time. “I’m leaving
Slowly with the weight
of the world bearing down around his shoulders, Ben untied Buck and swung
into the saddle. He realized that his son was distraught
and feeling guilty for what had taken place but Ben also bore guilt in his
own heart for having allowed a simple disagreement to get so out of control. Ben turned Buck toward the direction that Joe had ridden
and kicked gently at the horse’s sides. He was going
to follow the boy staying close in case he was needed but holding far enough
back so as not to be detected. He would give his son
time enough to collect himself before approaching him for a second time. Ben realized that Joe was not thinking clearly, he knew
that he had pushed too hard in his demands causing the boy to over-reacted to his terms and forcing Joe to make conditions
of his own in regard to equal treatment.
It had been one of those
days that one wished they could start over and begin anew.
The minute that fifteen-year old Joseph had arrived at the breakfast
table in a bad mood, Ben knew he should have heeded the warning signs. But tired himself from being
short handed and with all the extra work, he had ignored the red flags that
seemed to have darted up the first time that Joe had opened his mouth to
speak.
When Adam had hinted
that Joe be made to work more and play less the
first shot of the battle had been fired. Within seconds
the two brothers were at each other’s throats, angry words flying around
the breakfast table like bees to honey. Adam had stood
and shouted to his brother that if he wanted to be treated like a man, then
it was time to start acting like a man. Joe had taken
to the challenge making a grab for his brother’s shirt but was stopped by
Hoss’ large hand catching Joe’s in mid-air and forcing the smaller boy back
down in his chair. Adam had left in a huff for the
barn and Joe had turned angry eyes on his middle brother for interfering
in what he had called his business. It was then that
Ben stood to reprimand his son.
“That will be enough!”
shouted Ben to Little Joe, his usually calm approached
to these types of situations now a matter of history.
Joe had hung his head,
unable to meet his father’s dark penetrating eyes as he listened for the
lecture to begin that he knew was soon to follow. When
all had been said and done, Joe faced his father and in a small but apologetic
voice, offered his repentance. Ben, unable to stay
mad for any length of time at the youngest member of the family forgave his
son for the outburst against his brothers and for the bad mood that had served
to add fuel to the fire. From there Ben had left for
the barn to have a few words with his eldest son in regard to his part in
starting an argument that could have been avoided in the first place, had
Adam kept his thoughts to himself rather than voicing them at the table.
Ben pulled Buck to a
halt behind some tall bushes and waited as he watched his youngest son stop
in the clearing. Joe seemed to be trying to decide
which way he wanted to go. The road leading to the
northeast would take the boy into
After following Joe for
some distance to be sure that home was indeed where his son was headed, Ben
broke from the trail and took a short cut so that he could arrive in plenty
of time to have his horse already stabled in the barn before Joe arrived
back. He did not want Joe to know that he had been
following him; he felt certain it would only cause another unpleasant scene,
one in which Ben wanted to avoid at all costs.
Joe stopped at the edge
of the barn taking the time to survey the yard and surrounding area before
venturing any further. It had not been his plan to
return home, but common sense told him that he had no other choice, at least
on this night. He had left with no provisions, his
horse needed a thorough rub down, one better than what he had given to the
tired animal earlier. Cochise
also needed food along with fresh water. Joe felt the
hunger pangs assault his own stomach and remembered that he had not eaten
since breakfast and then because of the unpleasant beginning to his morning,
he had only picked at his food.
Seeing that the lights
were still on in the house and knowing that food was something that he would
have to do without unless he wanted to face his family, which he didn’t,
Joe moved silently into the barn and closed the door before lighting the
lamp. He saw his father’s big buckskin horse, Buck,
in his stall, bedded down for the night. Chubb and
Sport had also been cared for and Joe felt a pang of self-pity wash over
him thinking that he had been right in believing that his family hated him. He had sent his father away after waking and finding himself
in his father’s arms. Joe had been surprised that
Ben had turned from him and allowed him to leave without first putting up
a fight. For just a brief moment while his father
had been holding him, Joe had thought that he had felt his father’s love;
the tone of voice seemed to have been full of it. But
then guilt had wormed its way into his heart again and those comforting thoughts
of fatherly love had vanished. Then knowing that neither Adam nor Hoss had bothered to come
looking for him, only served him with more evidence to validate his thinking
in regard to his family’s loathing of him.
Joe quickly wiped the
tears that pooled in his eyes before they had time to overflow and swore
to him self that he would not cry. Adam had called
him, ‘boy’ earlier that morning and when his exasperation had become too
much and his tears had made a path down his cheeks, Adam had referred to
their father about him, as the baby of the family. Well,
thought Joe, I might be the youngest, but I’m not a baby.
When Joe finished caring
for his horse, he pulled a clean horse blanket from the storage chest against
the wall and slowly climbed the ladder to the loft. There
he pulled the scattered hay into a deep pile and lay down, spreading the
blanket about his shoulders.
Try though he might,
sleep was a long time coming for the troubled boy. Every
time he closed his eyes he saw again the look on his father’s face as his
fist rained its fury upon the older man’s jaw. Joe
squeezed his eyes tightly trying in vain to remove the lucid picture from
his mind, but his father’s dark and brooding eyes still seemed to find him
in the darkness that surrounded the area of the loft. Shivering,
Joe rolled his body into a ball and pulled the coarse blanket over his head
in hopes of shutting out the memory. It was nearly
dawn before Joe was finally able to fall into a fitful sleep and then it
was the sounds of voices below him that woke him from his slumber.
Astonishment must have
been showing on his face for Joe could not believe his ears. His brothers were laughing and joking with each other. Neither seemed to be concerned as to the whereabouts of
their youngest sibling and it bothered Joe to a degree that they appeared
unaffected by the fact that he had not put in an appearance at the house
all night long.
Joe cursed himself for
not getting enough sleep and again for over sleeping once he had finally
managed to get to sleep. He had wanted to be up and
gone before his brothers came out to begin their chores.
Now it was too late to do anything about it, he could only hope that
they would not come looking for him in the loft. Joe
had no desire to face either brother, especially Adam, whom he blamed in
part for having started all his troubles from the day before.
Joe had no intentions
of listening to one of this older brother’s lectures either. Joe scrunched up his face; he could just hear old know-it-all
now ranting at him about how he was still a baby and that it would be years
yet before he’d be a man. Joe had heard that speech
so many times before that he could recite it himself word for word. To himself he mimicked his older brother’s actions as
he pictured Adam standing before him looking so much like their father with
legs apart, hands on hips and an angry looking frown on his face.
Quietly Joe moved to
the backside of the loft, taking his blanket with him and crawled behind
the pile of baled hay in the darkest corner. If either
Adam or Hoss climbed the ladder they would not be able to see him without
coming all the way to the back of the loft and Joe doubted that they would
do that, not after hearing them laughing, they just didn’t care, he convinced
himself. He hoped that should they decide to check
his hiding place, they would only peek over the top step and when they did
not see him, hopefully they would assume that he had already left leaving
behind his horse which was stabled in the barn.
Adam felt better this
morning, after having had a long talk with his father, he knew what he had
to do. Late last night, unobserved by the other members
of his family, Adam had slipped out to the barn to check on his younger brother. He had been standing in the dark at his window and knew
the minute that Joe had returned. Adam had found the
boy curled into a ball sleeping on the hay. Joe had
been tossing about and mumbling in his sleep. Adam
had seen the shine of the tears that remained on his brother’s face and listened
as the boy had cried out to their father that he be forgiven for his transgression.
Adam knelt next to Joe
as he slept and pulled the coarse blanket that had at some time been kicked
away, back around Joe’s shoulders. His heart had melted
at the sight his eyes took in; Joe looked much younger than his fifteen years.
Adam felt his own heart fill with remorse in the part he had played that
led up to the unfortunate incident between his father and the young boy curled
sleeping on top of the hay. Adam with held the urge
to brush at the stray curls that covered Joe’s forehead in fear of waking
the boy. Instead, Adam turned toward the ladder and
went in search of his father, the need to talk weighing heavy on his troubled
mind.
Ben was standing in front
of the massive fireplace, his back to the door and turned suddenly as the
front door opened allowing Adam to enter. Adam glanced
toward his father surprised to find that he was still up but pleased that
he would not have to wake him. He paused just long
enough to hang his hat on the peg on the wall behind the door before moving
to converse with his father. Ben lowered his tired
body into the welcoming comforts of his red chair and crossed his legs. He could tell from the look on his oldest son’s face that
Adam had something on his mind.
“Adam?” stated Ben, watching
his son as Adam moved to sit on the large wooden table facing his father.
“He’s in the barn, curled
up in the hay sleeping,” Adam explained. “I was worried
about him; I needed to know for myself that he was home and okay.” Adam gave his father a small smile.
Ben returned the smile
and leaned forward placing his hand reassuringly on Adam’s knee and patted
gently. “I know, I found him myself sometime after
mid-night. I was standing in the shadows when he rode
in and I waited until he had time to settle in before I went to check on
him. He was tossing and turning then too, I heard
him whimpering and wanted to go to him but decided that perhaps the time
wasn’t quite right.”
“I know, I had to stop
myself from waking him up,” Adam paused, raising troubled eyes to look into
his father’s caring eyes. “Pa…when I was watching
him sleep, I suddenly realized some things.” Adam
swallowed forcing the lump that had suddenly seemed to grow in his throat
to go away.
Ben watched as Adam searched
for the words that he wanted to say. When Adam said
nothing, Ben at last spoke up. “What kind of things, son?”
It was then that Ben
noticed the sheen that suddenly announced that tears were forming from the
depths of his son’s dark troublesome eyes. “Adam?”
encouraged Ben, “what things are you referring to, son?” he asked again.
Adam took a deep breath,
“I realized just how young Joe really is. I understand
now how hard I’ve been on him lately and that I have been expecting too much
of him. I accused him of wanting to be a man but acting
like a boy. Then when I expected him to act like a
man I turned around and then I treated him like a boy, which is really what
he is. I realize that he isn’t capable yet of doing
all the things I demanded of him, oh, he tried, but I was just too ignorant
to understand the reasons why he seemed to always be doing the opposite of
what I expected him to do. Seeing him curled up sleeping in the barn loft and hearing
him cry, I realized that I was giving the boy mixed signals, no wonder he
stays mad at me most of the time and tries to avoid me at all costs. He must hate me Pa, if I were in his place, I guess I would hate me too.”
Adam laughed, the tone
being more a sound of derision than joyful. Pinching
the bridge of his nose he slowly raised his head again and looked into his
father’s face and seeing the understanding he had hoped to find.
“Pa, I have to tell him,”
whispered Adam.
“Yes Adam, I agree. I think it might help him to know that he isn’t the first,”
Ben stated calmly, leaning over and resting his hand on his son’s shoulder.
“Thanks Pa, for understanding
I mean. I’ll talk to him first thing in the morning.” Adam rose as did Ben and each man stood briefly staring
into the eyes of the other both remembering another time much like this before
Adam’s arms found their way around his father’s shoulders.
“Good night,
“Good night son,” replied
Ben, watching Adam slowly make his way up the stairs toward his room.
Adam heard the scurrying
of feet above his head as he and Hoss entered the barn, Joe was awake. Adam knew that as long as he remained in the barn, Joe
would be forced to stay in the loft. As he and Hoss
worked, they made small jokes about silly things, laughing as they went about
their daily routine. When they were just about finished,
Adam pulled Hoss into the tack room and in a subdued whisper explained to
him that he needed to speak with Joe in private. Hoss
took his cue, saddled Chubb and led his horse from the barn pulling the door
closed behind him to give his brothers more privacy.
As soon as the door was
closed, Adam turned to the ladder that would lead him to his brother’s hiding
place. Joe, who had heard Adam’s boots sounding his
approach, grabbed his blanket and hurried to hide behind the bales of hay
stacked in the corner, unaware that his brother knew he was in hiding.
Adam smiled to himself
as he slowly made his way to the pile of hay that still held the indention
where Joe had been sleeping. Sitting down, he pulled
his knees upward to his chest and folded his arms across the top of them.
Joe peeked from behind
his wall of hay trying to see what it was that Adam was doing. When he saw his brother making himself comfortable he
frowned, knowing that now he was trapped. There was
no way that he could escape his hiding place as long as the older boy stayed
where he was. Joe silently cursed himself for not
having left before the day had begun.
Adam cleared his throat
and smiled, the expression hidden from his little brother’s view. He had heard the gentle mumbling of the boy who thought
he was undetected.
“Joe, I know you’re there,”
he said at last, “you might as well come out. I have
something I’d like to say to you,” Adam informed his brother, hoping that
Joe would join him.
Realizing that his older
brother knew of his hiding place, Joe frowned but refused to move or acknowledge
his brother’s presence.
“Okay.
You can just stay there, I can tell you just as well from here, and
I know you can hear me. Maybe this is better anyway,
at least now you can’t run so you have to listen to what I have to say,”
stated Adam softly.
“Joe, about yesterday…”
he began.
“I don’t wanna talk about yesterday, or the day before that
or the day before that one. Why don’t you just go
away and leave me be?” proclaimed Joe in an angry voice.
Adam turned slightly
from his position in the hay, “Because Joe, I don’t want to leave you alone. I have to tell you something.” Adam
paused briefly and then continued. “Joe, I know how
you feel. I mean, the guilt,
the shame, and the fear, all of it. I understand those
feelings.”
“How could you? I hit him Adam. You couldn’t possibly
understand how that makes me feel. He hates me, I
know he does…hell Adam, I hate myself,” cried Joe, the tears beginning to
roll slowly from his sad eyes. He brushed at them with
both hands smearing the dampness across his cheeks.
Adam heard the soft whimpers
and felt the sting of tears in his own eyes as he recalled the feelings he
himself had felt many years ago; quickly he hurried on to explain.
“I understand little
buddy, because I hit him too. I was just about your
age, Pa and I had been arguing, just like you and he had been. I was mad Joe; mad at Pa, mad at your mother, mad at my
lot in life, mad at the world it seemed and I took it out on him. He was just about to turn me across his knee for back
talking Marie when I swung out and clipped his jaw. Boy
was he shocked, but then hell, so was I. Neither one
of us could say a word, we just stood there staring
at each other.” Adam stopped, his long kept secret
now exposed, he turned when he caught sight of his brother out of the corner
of his eye and watched as Joe moved closer. The expression
of both disbelief and shock clearly etched onto the young face.
“Did you really hit him
Adam?” asked Joe softly not knowing for sure that he had heard correctly.
“I sure did. I will never forget the thoughts that ran through my mind
then, little brother. Everything that you are feeling
now, I felt then. I was scared, I just knew that Pa
hated me; I knew he was disappointed and ashamed of me. I
thought he would never be able to forgive me, but Joe…he did,” explained
Adam.
Joe sat down next to
Adam watching the face of his brother. Adam nonchalantly
slipped his arm around his brother’s shoulder and pulled him closer to his
own body.
Joe looked up at Adam
and saw from the expression on his brother’s face that Adam was telling him
the truth. “How long did it take him?” Joe wanted to know.
Adam smiled recalling
how quickly his father had embraced him, each of them begging the other for
forgiveness. “Oh, just about as long as it took him
to put his arms around me. Joe…Pa understood about
why it happened, he didn’t blame me any more than he blamed himself. He just stood there and held me letting me cry while he
whispered in my ear how much he loved me. Of course
being that I am one stubborn fool, it took me a very long time to forgive
myself. I still have times when I think back to when
it happened and experience those old feelings all over again. But he did
forgive me, Joe, and he still loved me. I was so scared
that he would stop loving me, but he never did. And,
he hasn’t stopped loving you either.”
“But I’m not like you
Adam, I’m always doing things wrong and getting
into trouble. Do you really think Pa will forgive me?” cried Little Joe,
unaware that his father stood on the top rung of the ladder listening to their
conversation and not the least bit aware that he had already received the
forgiveness that he longed for.
Adam had seen his father’s
approach and smiled down at his little brother. “I
don’t know Joe, why don’t you ask him? He’s right
here.”
Joe turned startled eyes
up at his father who now stood behind him and rising slowly to face the man
whom he loved, he looked beseechingly into the compassionate eyes staring
down at him.
“Pa…” began Joe unable
to control the trembling that suddenly consumed his body.
Before Joe could say
another word, Ben’s arms encircled his young son and pulled him into his
chest holding tightly to the quivering shoulders. Ben
leaned down and placed a kiss atop the mass of dark curls that covered the
head of his beloved son.
“I’m sorry Pa…”whimpered
Joe, “please say you forgive me, please.”
Ben raised Joe’s chin
upward and smiled down, “Of course I forgive you Joseph.
I love you son, always remember that. I love
you.”
“I love you too,
Adam stood patting both
his father and brother’s backs as he moved toward the ladder wanting to give
the pair time to restore their broken relationship. “See
you later,” he tossed over his shoulder as he climbed down.
Ben moved himself and
his son to the pile of hay and sat down, pulling Joe down with him. “I think we need to have that talk now, don’t you son?”
smiled Ben.
Joe nodded his head but
refused to relinquish his space close to his father and made sure that he
snuggled as near to him as he could. Ben smiled, understanding
the boy’s need for comfort and reassurance.
Joe glanced up at his
father, “how do you do it, Pa?” he asked quietly.
“How do I do what?” Ben
said offering Joe his handkerchief to dry his eyes with.
“Put up with me. How do you stand it?” said Joe, smiling now that he knew
he had his father’s love and forgiveness once again.
“Oh, it’s not so hard. There are times I’ve wondered about it but for the most
part, you aren’t such a bad kid,” teased Ben, ruffling the dark curls and
laughing at Joe’s expression of mock surprise.
“Listen to me for a minute
Joseph. I’ll try to explain. You
see, when one becomes a parent, your life suddenly
and forever changes. First off, it is no longer just
your life. It takes on new meaning, you see, what
might have been important before might not be so important after you have
a child. Your priorities change, you live for your
children not so much for yourself anymore. Your values
are changed as you suddenly realize that what the most precious thing to
you is, is the babe you hold in your arms not your worldly possessions. No matter what son, I consider you, Adam and Hoss the
three most valuable things in my life. Without you,
I would have no life; life would have no meaning, no joy, and no happiness. The three of you are my very reasons for living, breathing
and going on day after day whether or not things go right or wrong,” Ben
studied his son’s face and watched as the boy absorbed the importance to
the meaning of his chosen words.
Joe had grown quiet as
he listened to his father speak, overcome by the
love that poured forth from each word that his father uttered. Joe rested his head against the broad shoulder and whispered
softly. “Thank you,
Ben gave the slender
shoulders a gently squeeze. “Joe, when you become
a parent, you learn the true meaning of understanding, compassion, love,
respect and most of all, forgiveness. You see son,
without those, there would be no family, least ways not the way that the
four of us know it. Joe, even parents do some things
wrong. There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect
son, not of this world at least.”
Ben stopped suddenly
and placed his hand over Joe’s mouth to stop his words. “And
before you say it, that includes your brother
Adam.” Ben laughed when he saw the smile spread across
the younger boy’s face under the fingers that still silenced his unspoken
words.
“Joe, there is only one perfect father, our Heavenly Father, and only one perfect son, Jesus. There is no way that either of us can completely live up to those standards. I have tried all of my life to live as close to God’s word as I could. And I have tried to instill in each of you, the same values. Our Heavenly Father loves us unconditionally and forgives each of us daily, sometimes several times a day when we do things that displease Him. If he does that for each of us, myself included, who am I to withhold my forgiveness to one of you when you do wrong?”
“Don’t you see son, my love for you is as God’s love
is to me, unconditional and without exceptions. That
is why forgiveness comes so easily for me. The Good
Book says in Luke: 17:4 ‘And if he trespass
against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to
thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.’”
“Joe, I want you to always remember this, no matter how many times you mess up, no matter how angry with you I may become and no matter that I might be disappointed or ashamed of you at times, I will never stop loving you. Nor will I never not forgive you.”
Ben stressed the last point wanting to make clear his intentions so that his son would always know that no matter what, he had a father that would always be there for him when he was needed and would regardless and without question or exception, love him.
Joe remained seated and quiet for several minutes
before turning misty eyes up at his father. “
“I only have one question though Pa,” said Joe, pulling free and standing to face Ben.
Ben saw the twinkle that had returned to Joe’s eyes and noted the way they darted about in merriment. Briefly he wondered where his son’s line of questioning was headed. A large smile graced the senior Cartwright’s face as he watched Joe kick around the loose hay on the floor while trying to hide his smile from his father.
“And what might that be?” asked Ben, knowing full well he had just taken the bait, hook, line and sinker in one large bite.
“Hmm…I was just wondering, who hits harder, me or Adam?” piped Little Joe, a mischievous smile spreading across his angelic face as he forced a look of innocence to stay in place.
Ben burst out laughing at the sight his youngest son portrayed and grabbed him in a headlock. “I do, and don’t you ever forget it, you little scamp!” said Ben giving Joe’s bottom a solid whack before releasing him. “Now get, you have work to do!” laughed Ben.
Joe ran for the ladder and as he turned he laughed
again, “I love you,
And with that the curly head moved downward out of sight from his father’s view leaving Ben alone with his thoughts and his memories. Unaware of his actions, Ben rubbed the sore spot on his jaw, smiled and had to admit that with the way his chin ached, he hoped that this would be the one and only time Joe’s fist connected with his face. Woe-be-gone to the man that might one-day tangle with the boy that Ben knew would some day become a man with a very powerful left hook.
The End
February 2002