gillian009

Death at Dawn
The missing last scene in four voices.

ADAM

I have never been so relieved to see anyone in my life as I was to see my father walking down the street with Sam Bryant. In spite of having his hands tied behind him, he looked fine. Even from the distance I was, I could see Sam Bryant sweating. He was scared. I wondered briefly what Pa had said to him to put the fear of God into him, but then the shooting started and I didn’t have time for thought. Once the smoke had cleared I joined my brothers in rushing over and helping my father to his feet.

“Are you all right, Pa?” Joe asked.

“I’m fine, “ he said. Then his face lit and he said, “You know what? You boys look awful good to me.” The relief in his voice told me how hard the night had been for him too, but I knew he would never say so. He slid his arm round my shoulders and the four of us walked down the street together. As it should be.

“Pa, I think you should go see the doctor,” I said.

He shook his head. “No. There’s no need. I’m fine. What I want to do is go home, have a meal and a bath and a few hours’ sleep. And you boys could do with that too. The chores can wait a bit.”

“Sure sounds good to me, Pa,” Hoss said.

“Yeah, me too.” Joe was pressed hard up against Pa, trying to be as close as he could.

“Adam?” Pa asked, when I didn’t reply.

“I can’t just yet. I’m acting sheriff, so I’ve got to tie things up here. You go on. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

“Can’t face Pa, huh?” Joe hissed at me, but quietly so Pa didn’t hear. I ignored him.

“Where’s the Sheriff?”

“He got shot. Adam here took charge,” Hoss indicated me with a turn of his head.

Pa’s gaze settled on me thoughtfully. “I’m sure you did what needed to be done. You go ahead, son. We’ll see you at home.”
I watched them ride out and then turned to my duties. It took the better part of the day to deal with the formalities and get the dead buried. I was bone-tired by the time I arrived home just before supper.

Pa was sitting at his desk working on the books. I examined him carefully. You would never have known the ordeal he’d been through just by looking at him.
He looked up as I came in. “You look tired, son. There’s time for a bath before supper if you want it.”

My face must have told him how much I wanted that bath because he didn’t wait for an answer but called to Hop Sing to bring the water for one. “Where are Hoss and Joe?” I asked.

“I sent Joe to go and break some horses. He needed to let off some steam.” I wondered what had been said in my absence.

“They tell you what happened?” I asked. I wanted to know what my father thought. No, I needed to know what my father thought; needed to know if he would forgive me for gambling with his life.

“They told me the bare bones.” He yawned. “I said we’d discuss the rest after supper. I was too tired to listen.”

Ah, I thought, That explains why Pa sent him off to break horses. My little brother does tend to get overexcited.

“I take it you got all the loose ends tied up? Pa asked.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ll take up professional sheriffing as a career,” I said. He nodded but he didn’t say anything else. I went to have that much-wanted bath.

Supper was a pleasant enough meal, for all I was so tired-at least as long as I didn’t look at Joe. Every time I looked at him he was glaring at me. He was angry with me, still, even though everything had turned out fine. I’d have to talk to him later. Sort things out. I still believed I’d done the right thing, but I would have found it far less difficult if I’d had my brothers’ support. Oh, sure, they’d come around to backing me, but it hadn’t made the burden easier. That stuff of Joe’s about ‘my Pa” really hurt, but what hurt even more had been Hoss’ defection. I had expected Joe’s outburst-he’s only a kid, after all, but I’d thought I could count on Hoss, and it hurt me very much that he hadn’t supported me. When he asked me ‘what if you’re wrong?” as if I’d made the decision as lightly as I would have decided what to have for breakfast, it hurt. Of course I’d thought of that-as I’d told Joe, he is my father too- and I love my father very much. If I’d been wrong, I’d have had to live with the consequences of my decision every day for the rest of my life.

“Adam?” Pa’s voice penetrated my thoughts. “Would you pour me a glass of brandy, please?”

I smiled at him as I crossed the room to do so. “Anyone else want one?” I asked as I poured myself one. It had been a long hard day and I thought I deserved it. There were no other takers, so I settled myself in the chair opposite Pa as he sat relaxed in his great leather chair. He lit his pipe carefully, then looked up -- first at me, then at Hoss and Joe.

“I wanted to tell you, boys, that I’m proud of what you did today. I’m so glad that you acted just as I expected you would.”

My brothers glanced across at me quickly, almost sheepishly, but said nothing. The silenced lengthened, and I felt impelled to break it. Pa was looking a little worried.

“Thank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I’m glad it was the right one.” I said softly. I tried not to emphasise the “I”; to mask my hurt and disappointment. I didn’t want to cause my father any pain, but it was hard. I hadn’t realised just how hurt I was by the previous night’s events

“You look very tired son. I think it would be a good idea if you went to bed soon.”

I sighed. Here I was twenty eight years old, and my father was still sending me to bed. In this case, though, I didn’t feel much like arguing about it.

“It must have been very difficult, Adam, but I’m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.” He tried to ease things for me a bit.

“Yeah, sure, Pa,” I said. I tried not to let any emotion peep through. My father is sometimes a very perceptive man.

Pa’s attention was caught by Joe’s sudden movement, which relieved me. I wasn’t sure I could stand the piercing scrutiny my father was giving me. Hoss wiped his hands on his pants legs and took a deep breath.

“We didn’t help Adam, Pa,” he admitted, shamefaced. “We didn’t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.”

Pa raised an eyebrow and considered my two brothers for a long moment. “I see,” he said. There was silence again, then Hoss turned to me.

“We were wrong, Adam, I’m sorry,” he said. Hoss looked very uncomfortable and I took pity on him.

“That’s Ok, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I’d been wrong, I’d…” I couldn’t finish the sentence past the lump in my throat that suddenly choked me.

Pa nodded, as if agreeing with something. Then he looked directly at Joe. “And you, Joseph?” he asked.

“I’m NOT sorry,” Joe yelled. “He gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa’s life, just because he always thinks he’s right!”

I couldn’t help it. I flinched as though Joe had struck me. Every time he said that it cut deeper. Pa shook his head, then he rose and stood next to me, clasping my shoulders, and massaging them gently. “I am also Adam’s and Hoss’ father, Joseph.” Gentle as his voice was, the reprimand was clear. Joe flushed. He hated Pa to scold him. “And didn’t you think that what you wanted to do was right?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Joe muttered. He looked up and met Pa’s eyes. Pa was still gently massaging my shoulders. It felt very good. I raised my hand and rested it on top of Pa’s. He stopped massaging and patted my hand, comfortingly.

Joe watched Pa for a moment then let all his grievances rip. I think he felt that Pa didn’t understand how he felt. But then, that was Joe. He couldn’t understand that the right decision is often the hardest one. He is still very young. He burst out, “I was afraid, Pa. I thought I’d never see you again, and Adam was just bein’ so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn’t care, just working it all out instead of….”

“Instead of going off half-cocked,” I snapped, unable to stop myself. “I told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.” My voice shook. I turned abruptly from them and stared into the fire, trying to regain my control. Pa squeezed my shoulder again then told Hoss and Joe to go. Joe opened his mouth to argue, but Pa frowned at him. “Go on, Joseph,” he said. “I’ll be up to talk to you soon.”

Once they’d gone he turned his attention to me. I was staring into the fire when he said my name, softly.

“Adam.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to face him. Joe’s words had pierced my carefully constructed armour of justification and I hurt. “Joe’s right, you know, Pa. I did think my way was the right way. And suppose I’d been wrong?”

“It wouldn’t have been much comfort for you, I know, but you would have known you’d done your best,” Pa said. “You know that’s all I ask of you-that you do your best and you try to do what I’ve taught you.”

“You’re right. It wouldn’t have been much comfort.” My voice thickened. I was suddenly fighting to hold back the tears that threatened.

Pa came back and put his hands on my shoulders again. That physical contact felt so good. “Son, I would have done exactly the same thing if it had been one of you boys.” I twisted round in my seat and stared up at my father, searching his face. That was the one thing he could have said that I would find even remotely comforting. I knew that nothing would force my father to allow anyone to hurt one of us.

“You couldn’t have done anything else. If you’d given in to Bryant, I’d probably be dead now. A man like Bryant needs to operate on fear. How better to take over the town than by killing me? And setting it up so he could blame my sons? No, son, I know what you did was hard, but it had to be done. I knew I could put my trust in you, and I’m proud and grateful.”

I swallowed hard, overwhelmed by my father’s words. “Thanks, Pa,” I said, just whispering. I didn’t really trust my voice.

“Adam,” Pa said. “Don’t stew over this. You did what had to be done. I don’t hold you at fault, and you shouldn’t let it worry you. Don’t let Joe worry you either.”

I smiled half-heartedly at him. I know my baby brother. Pa smiled back. So did he. “I’ll go and talk to him. I won’t tell him that what he wanted to do was more than likely to get me killed. He doesn’t need the burden.”

“I guess not, but it might make him think before he loses that temper of his,” I said, getting some relief from sniping at Joe.

“Possibly,” Pa said, laughing, “but I doubt it. He just needs to mature a little. It’s time you got some sleep.”

I didn’t feel like arguing with him, so together we turned off lamps and banked the fire. As I lay in my bed later I turned the conversation we’d had over and over in my mind. Pa made good sense, and I was relieved to know that my father thought I’d done the right thing, but I still wondered. Suppose I had been wrong? How could I have borne the burden of knowing that I had been responsible for my father’s death?

I didn’t sleep well that night, in spite of my weariness.

HOSS

Seeing Pa walk down the street with Bryant was one of the happiest moments of my life. I know Adam’s arguments for lettin’ Farmer hang were good ones but as Joe said, “this was my Pa’s life Adam was gambling with.” I probably shoulda known it would be all right-I bin puttin’ my trust in Adam’s brains for a long while now.
I rushed forward with Adam and Joe to help him to his feet. “You boys look awfully good to me” he said as he slid his arms around Adam’s and Joe’s shoulders. I wasn’t jealous of either of ‘em. Pa would get round to me, but right now both my brothers needed the comfort Pa could give them.

We left Adam in town tyin’ up the loose ends and being sheriff. Adam tried to persuade Pa to see the Doc, but o’ course he wouldn’t. “I just want to go home,” he said. I dunno what it was Joe said to Adam before we left, but whatever it was hurt Adam. Sometimes that boy don’t think too clearly. Adam was hurtin’ enough. I didn’t get much of a chance to say much during the ride home-Joe was chatterin’ like a magpie. I’m sure Pa didn’t take in a quarter of what he was sayin’. Just as well-I wanted to talk to Joe myself before Adam came home.

By the time we’d had a bath and one of Hop Sing’s delicious breakfasts Joe had wound down. He was so tired he fell asleep at the table. It’s bin a while since I carried my little brother upstairs to bed like that, but he didn’t even stir.

“Poor kid is plum tuckered out,” I said softly to Pa. Pa smiled and pulled the blanket up over him, tucking him in. I grinned. Joe would sure have squawked if Pa did that when he was awake, but I guess Pa needed to baby him a bit.

“You go to bed, too, Hoss,” he said. I didn’t need to be told twice. I think I was asleep before he’d even left the room.

By the time I woke, it was getting towards afternoon. Pa was sittin’ at his desk, working on the books, and Joe was prowling around the room with a plate of sandwiches. Pa smiled as he looked up and saw me. “Sleep well, Hoss?” he asked.

“Sure, Pa. Now all I need is some food an’ I’ll be right as rain.” I headed towards the table where there was another plate of sandwiches.

“Good, because when you’ve had something to eat, I want you and Joseph to go out to the corrals. Those horses won’t get broken by themselves.”
Joe looked kinda sad at that. “Can’t ya find Joe something to do here?” I asked, feeling sorry for him.

Pa was real firm in his answer. I think he wanted to get Joe out of the house before he wore a hole in the floor!

The men had the horse-breaking well in hand, but I knew Pa wanted to give Joe a chance to work off some steam. I figgered that it would be best to talk to him after he’d done a bit of work. He’d ridden two horses to a standstill and was starting to look much more cheerful so I decided to tackle him.

“Joe, about Adam,” I began. There was no point beating about the bush with Joe. I didn’t get a chance to say much else.

“I don’t want to talk about him, “ he snarled at me. “I don’t want to talk to him either.”

“You don’t have to talk, but you do have to listen,” I told him. “I don’t. And I won’t,” He dashed off across the corral.

“Joe” I yelled, as he raced across the corral, heedless of the danger, and climbed up onto the back of the horse there in the chute. I couldn’t stop him. Weren’t nothing I could do with the boy in that mood. I’d try again later. I hate ta see my brothers at odds. I figured I had ta make peace with Adam myself. I knew he was only tryin’ to do what he thought was right, and I shoulda backed him. I would have too, but I couldn’ta stood it if anything had happened to Pa. He’s always bin there. But so’s Adam, an’ I knew I hurt him by not backin’ him. Adam would never do anything to hurt Pa and I shoulda known that. The pain in his voice when I asked him ‘what if he was wrong’ and he’d said, “Don’t you think I thought of that?” Adam wouldn’t be able to shake that off for a while. Adam don’t wear his heart on his sleeve, and it takes a lot to get under his skin, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say anythin’ with so much pain and fear in his voice.

I grabbed Joe before he could get on another horse and held him. He squirmed, but he couldn’t get outta my grip and I wasn’t goin’ ta let go until I’d talked to him.

“Now you listen, Joe. No matter what you think about what Adam done, you ain’t helpin’ matters by fussin’ at him. An’ ya know how Pa feels about us fightin’ with each other.”

Joe nodded. Pa gets real mad when we fight. He always says brothers should stand by each other.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m never going to forgive him!” Joe yelled. The hands ignored him. They were used to Joe. Joe never does anything half-heartedly. Whatever it is, he puts his whole self into it.

“You don’t havta forgive him,” I said. “You just havta not start on him when Pa’s around. You don’t wanta upset Pa, do ya?” I used my trump card.

“Ok”, he agreed a little sourly. “But for Pa. Not for Adam.”

That was all I wanted. By tomorrow Joe would have simmered down and Pa or Adam would have sorted things out for him. He’s just a kid.

Suppertime came, and it was a good one. Hop Sing makes the best roast beef I ever tasted, and the roast potatoes and biscuits were delicious. I enjoyed it a lot anyway. I don’t know whether anyone else did. Joe kept glaring at Adam, but that was all, so I could pay proper attention to the meal. Adam looked exhausted, but then he hadn’t had a chance to have any sleep. I could see the bath he’d had had perked him up a bit, but my older brother was bone tired, anyone could see. I was glad I’d had a chance to talk to Joe.

We sat in front of the fire after supper-me and Joe on the settee, Adam on the blue chair and Pa in his red leather one. Adam and Pa had a glass of brandy. I don’t like brandy much. I prefer beer. And Joe for all he thinks he’s grown up don’t like it much either. Pa lit his pipe carefully, then he said,

“I wanted to tell you, boys, that I’m proud of what you did today. I’m so glad that you acted just as I expected you would.”

I glanced at Adam, but I didn’t say anythin’. The silence got longer until Adam said,

“Thank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I’m glad it was the right one.”

His voice was real soft. It was hard to hear him. Pa looked at him for a while then he told Adam he should go to bed. I nearly laughed at that. Adam has complained I dunno how many times about Pa sendin’ him to bed like a kid. He didn’t say nuthin’ though. I guess he was too tired to argue about it.

Then Pa said, “It must have been very difficult, Adam, but I’m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.”

“Yeah, sure, Pa,” Adam said. It was just like Adam not to bring anythin’ of our squabbles to Pa’s attention. He’s bin doin’ that for years. There’s bin more than one time when we was kids that Adam took the blame for somethin’ I’d done.

Joe moved which caught Pa’s attention so he stopped lookin’ at Adam and looked at us instead. I looked over at Adam. His eyes were so sad. My hands were suddenly all sweaty. I wiped ‘em on my pants legs an’ confessed, “We didn’t help Adam, Pa. We didn’t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.”

Pa raised an eyebrow and looked at me an’ Joe without sayin’ anything’ for a while then he just said, “I see.” Made me feel even worse, so I decided now was as good a time as any to apologise to Adam.

“We were wrong, Adam, I’m sorry.” Adam of course accepted my apology, but as usual took his share of the blame.

“That’s Ok, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I’d been wrong, I’d…” He stopped, all choked up.

Pa nodded, as if agreeing with something. Then he looked directly at Joe. “And you, Joseph?” he asked.

“I’m NOT sorry,” Joe yelled. “He gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa’s life, just because he always thinks he’s right!”

I saw Adam flinch as if Joe had hit him. Pa didn’t look at all pleased with Joe but he went across to Adam to comfort him. He didn’t shout at Joe, but I think that made his point even better than yellin’ might have done.

“I am also Adam’s and Hoss’ father, Joseph. And didn’t you think that what you wanted to do was right?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Joe muttered. He watched Pa massaging Adam’s shoulders with a bit of jealousy, I think. Then he let it all out. “I was afraid, Pa. I thought I’d never see you again, and Adam was just bein’ so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn’t care, just working it all out instead of….”

“Instead of going off half-cocked,” Adam snapped. “I told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.” Adam’s voice shook. He tried to get ahold of himself, and then Pa sent me and Joe to bed. Joe wanted to argue, but Pa insisted. He wanted to talk to Adam

Joe didn’t want to talk to me, so I didn’t push. Pa would straighten him out. Going to bed was a real good idea. I’d just got into bed when Pa tapped on my door.

“Mind if I speak to you, son?” he asked. He sat down on the end of my bed.

“You all right, Hoss?” he asked.

I nodded. “Sure. I’m real glad everythin’ turned out ok, Pa.” I said. He smiled and patted my leg.

“So am I, son. So am I.” He was quiet for a bit, then he said, “I guess last night was hard on us all.”

I agreed. “Joe’s takin’ it real hard, Pa,” I said. “Ya won’t be too mad with him, will ya?”

“I’m not mad with him. I just don’t want him to make it harder than it needs to be on Adam. You know how Adam takes things to heart.”

I sure did. Adam would brood over this for a long time. He wouldn’t talk about it, just bottle it up inside of him. And if Joe needled him about it, there would be fur flyin’ sooner or later.

“I tried ta talk to Joe, Pa, but he didn’t want to listen,” I said.

He patted my leg again. “I’ll talk to him.” He smiled, and I could see how tired he was.

“Pa? Would you have done the same thing if it had been one of us?” I asked, suddenly wanting to know.

Pa nodded. “That’s just what I told Adam. That I would have hanged Perkins if it had been one of you in there.”

I didn’t say anythin’ but I suddenly felt a whole lot better. I’d fix things up properly between Adam and me tomorrow. Pa got up and said ‘goodnight’, and so did I. I felt like I’d sleep real well tonight.

JOE

When my Pa walked down the street I felt so happy I thought I was gunna burst. I mean he was still tied up and he was with Bryant, but he was alive. I raced over to him after all the shooting was over and helped him to his feet. “Are you all right, Pa?” I asked him anxiously.

“I’m fine,” he assured me. Then he smiled a real big smile and said “You know what? You boys look awful good to me!”

Then he slid his arm around my shoulder. I had been afraid I’d never feel my Pa’s arm around my shoulder again, so it felt specially good.
We all walked down the street together. Pa wanted to go straight home to have a bath and a meal and a sleep, which all sounded really good to me. Even better when he said we could leave the chores! Adam wouldn’t come though. He said he had to tie things up because he was acting sheriff, but I knew the real reason.

“Can’t face Pa, huh?” I asked him, but real quiet so Pa didn’t hear. I don’t know whether Adam heard me or not-he didn’t say anything.

All the way home I told Pa about everything that had gone on while he had been held hostage. He just let me talk though. He didn’t say much. Hoss didn’t say much either. I figured they were both tired. We got home and had that promised breakfast, but the excitement was beginning to wear off, and I must have fallen asleep at the table because when I woke later I was in my own bed. I got up to find Pa already up and working at the books. I went over to the desk.

He looked up and smiled at me. “Sleep well, Joseph?” he asked.

I nodded. “Sure Pa. Can I help you with that?”

He raised an eyebrow in that way he has-I wish I could do that like Pa and Adam do. I grinned. I don’t usually like working on the books. I’d rather be out doing something.

“No, thank you,” Pa said. “Why don’t you go find yourself something to eat and me a cup of coffee?”

“Trying to get rid of me?”

“No. I just want a cup of coffee. And when your brother gets up I want you to go down to help the horse breakers.”

I was disappointed. I kinda wanted to be with him today. “Couldn’t I stay here with you?” I asked. I put my best puppy dog look on too.

Pa grinned a bit at the look on my face but shook his head. He reached out and patted my arm gently. “No. I’ve wasted too much time with this Bryant business and there is work to be done. Besides, I thought you liked working with the horses.”

I do, so I went out to get a sandwich and Pa’s coffee. There was no point arguing with Pa. Hop Sing had a huge pile of sandwiches on a plate and the coffee was on the stove so I didn’t really have any excuse. Pa thanked me for the coffee then went back to what he was doing. I tried to sit down to eat my sandwiches, but I was too restless.

I walked around the room, munching on my sandwich and waiting for Hoss to wake up. It wasn’t all that long till he did-maybe twenty minutes or so, but it felt like forever. A couple of times Pa told me to sit down. I tried, but I just couldn’t sit still.

When Hoss came downstairs, I could see him eyeing off my sandwiches, but Hop Sing had brought another plate out and put it on the table. He ate them and we headed out towards the horses. He tried to help-he asked Pa if there wasn’t anything I could do inside but Pa was quite definite that the horses needed our attention. Just as well, I guess. I couldn’t settle inside anyway. Every time I thought of how close to death my Pa had been I got angry with Adam all over again.

I rode two horses to a standstill. They would be good horses. I had my eye particularly on a lovely chestnut mare. She was a gentle animal, even before I rode her and she seemed to like me. She wasn’t my Cochise, of course, but she’d be good to add to our stock. I was beginning to feel much better when Hoss went and spoiled it all.

“Joe, about Adam,” he started to say when I cut him off.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” I yelled at Hoss. “I don’t want to talk to him either.”

“You don’t have to talk, but you do have to listen,” he said, but I wasn’t having any. “I don’t. And I won’t,” I yelled at him then I raced across the corral to the horse waiting there. I wasn’t going to talk about Adam. He nearly got my Pa killed. I heard Hoss yell

“Joe,” but I wasn’t going to listen.

This horse proved much harder to break, but I think that might have been because I was so mad. Not just with Adam, but with Hoss too. I’d been feeling better and he’d had to go and mention that smart-alec brother of mine. Adam always thinks it has to be his way. He isn’t always right, even if he thinks he is.
Hoss grabbed me while I was resting between horses. I struggled, but I knew it was a waste of time. There is no way I can get out of his grip if he’s determined to hold onto me, so I stopped squirming and let him talk.

“Now you listen, Joe. No matter what you think about what Adam done, you ain’t helpin’ matters by fussin’ at him. An’ ya know how Pa feels about us fightin’ with each other.”

I nodded. Pa gets real mad when we fight. He always says brothers should stand by each other.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m never going to forgive him!” I yelled at Hoss. He shrugged.

“You don’t havta forgive him,” he said. “You just havta not start on him when Pa’s around. You don’t wanta upset Pa, do ya?” There was no way I wanted to upset Pa so I agreed, reluctantly.

“Ok. But for Pa. Not for Adam.” I wasn’t going to ever forgive Adam.

Adam got home just before supper so I didn’t have to talk to him anyway. I glared at him whenever he caught my eye, so after a while he simply didn’t even look at me, which was fine with me. I was so mad with him. It was a good supper too. After supper we went to sit in front of the fire. Hoss and I on the settee, Adam on the blue chair and Pa in his red leather one. Adam and Pa had a glass of brandy. I might have had one if Adam hadn’t been doing the pouring. I wasn’t going to take anything from him! Pa lit his pipe carefully, then he said,

“I wanted to tell you, boys, that I’m proud of what you did today. I’m so glad that you acted just as I expected you would.”

I took a quick peek at Adam, waiting to see what he would say. No one said anything though. The silence got longer until Adam said,

“Thank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I’m glad it was the right one.”

He said it so quietly it was hard to hear him. Pa just looked at him, then he said

“You look very tired son. I think it would be a good idea if you went to bed soon.”

Adam didn’t say anything. I guess he was tired-he hadn’t been to bed at all. There was that uncomfortable silence again. I had to admit Adam didn’t look happy.

“It must have been very difficult, Adam, but I’m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.” Pa tried to make him feel better.

“Yeah, sure, Pa,” Adam replied. I waited for him to tell on Hoss and me, but then I realised he wouldn’t. He hardly ever does. And he knows how much Pa doesn’t like it when we fight. I did something that caught Pa’s attention, so he stopped staring at Adam and started staring at me instead. Then Hoss took a deep breath and wiped his hands on his pants.

“We didn’t help Adam, Pa,” Hoss admitted. “We didn’t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.” He sounded embarrassed.

Pa raised an eyebrow and stared at us for a long time. “I see,” he said. There was silence again, then Hoss said, “We were wrong, Adam, I’m sorry.”

Adam gave Hoss a funny little sort of half smile and then he said, “That’s Ok, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I’d been wrong, I’d…” He stopped mid-sentence.

Pa nodded, as if agreeing with something. Then he looked directly at me. “And you, Joseph?” he asked.

Well, I wasn’t sorry and I said so. “I’m NOT sorry. He gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa’s life, just because he always thinks he’s right!” I explained.

Pa shook his head, then he got up and went to Adam, gently rubbing his shoulders. “I am also Adam’s and Hoss’ father, Joseph.” He said it quietly without yelling, but the way he said it made me feel really bad. It was the same thing that Adam had said last night. I KNOW Pa is Hoss and Adam’s Pa too. He’s been Adam’s Pa for twenty-eight years. Sometimes I sort of feel I get left out of things when Pa and Adam are together. Then Pa added, “And didn’t you think that what you wanted to do was right?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I muttered. I looked up and met Pa’s eyes. Pa was still gently massaging Adam’s shoulders. I watched Pa for a moment then I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t understand why Pa was being so nice to Adam when Adam had nearly got him killed.

“I was afraid, Pa. I thought I’d never see you again, and Adam was just bein’ so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn’t care, just working it all out instead of….”

Adam interrupted me. “Instead of going off half-cocked. I told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.” His voice shook, I think, with anger. Then he turned his face away and stared into the fire.

Pa looked at Hoss and me then he told us to go to bed. “But Pa,” I started to say.

“Go on upstairs, “ Pa said in a gentle voice. “I’ll come up and talk to you in a while, Joe. I want to have a word with your brother.”

I don’t know what Pa said to Adam. I was almost asleep when he finally came into my room. I sat up in bed and scooched over so he could sit next to me.

“Hi Pa,” I said.

Pa sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I sort of snuggled up to him, although I’m way too old for being hugged.

Pa smoothed that pesky curl back off my face with his other hand. “You need a haircut,” he said, but his tone didn’t sound like he was really all that bothered about it.

As I snuggled, I said, “I thought I’d never get a chance to do this again.”

Pa squeezed me a bit tighter then he asked, “Is that why are you so angry with Adam?”

I frowned. “I don’t know. No, I’m mad with him because he gambled with your life just as if he didn’t care!”

“I’m sure you don’t really believe that. You of all people should know how much Adam cares about this family, about everyone in this family,” Pa told me. “He’s bailed you out of trouble often enough, and probably more times than I know about. Now think carefully, Joe. Why are you really angry?” I thought about it. Adam was always there to bail me out. He was always there for me. I guess it wasn’t really Adam I was mad with. I was just trying to cover up the fact that “I was scared, Pa. So scared that I’d never see you again.”

“But I’m here now Joe so you can stop being angry. You know, it wasn’t the easiest decision for Adam to make. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would you have liked to make that choice that he did? Would you like to have had to make that choice?” I shook my head. I wouldn’t ever want the responsibility Adam takes on.

“Just think about how Adam feels about it, Joe. He had to try to think about the consequences of what he was doing. The responsibility was all his. And he was trying to protect you by making the decision by himself so that you wouldn’t have the burden of deciding whether to put my life on the line. And you know it is much easier to risk your own life that that of someone you love.”

That was true. I’d do anything to stop any member of my family being hurt, even my smart-alec older brother.

“Pa? Do you suppose Adam was scared too?” I asked him.

“I know he was, son,” Pa said. “He’s just better at hiding it that you are. And at hiding the hurt.”

That was true, too. Adam usually kept his feelings under wraps. I’d thought he just didn’t care when really he’d been trying to be strong so he could help me and Hoss and we hadn’t helped him one bit. I felt really bad about it, and all my anger melted away. I started to get out of bed. “What do you think you’re doing, young man?”

“I’ve gotta go apologise to Adam,” I said.

Pa wouldn’t let me. “That can wait till the morning. Let him sleep. And you get some sleep too.”

He waited till I’d snuggled down again. “There’s one more thing you should think about, Joseph.” He waited till he had my full attention.

“If it had been one of you boys, I would have done just as Adam did. And I would have been just as afraid that I was wrong too.”

He didn’t wait for me to say anything, just patted my shoulder, turned out the lamp and shut the door quietly behind him, saying ‘goodnight’ as he did so. I lay in bed wide-awake now. I had a lot to think about. And the most important thing on my mind? Working out how to make it up to Adam.

BEN

“You know what? You boys look awfully good to me,” I said with relief as I slid my arms round Joe and Adam. I wished briefly for a third arm for Hoss, but I knew he wouldn’t take offence. It had been a very long night being held hostage by Bryant, but it’s not the first time I’ve faced death. It won’t be the last time either, but this time I’d known I could rely on Adam to do what was right. We walked down the street together; Joe pressed as close to me as he could get without being in my clothes with me. It had been a hard night for us all.

Adam wanted me to get checked out by the doctor, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to get home. I looked at my sons. They all looked weary too.

“I’m fine. What I want to do is go home, have a meal and a bath and a few hours’ sleep. And you boys could do with that too. The chores can wait a bit.”

“Sure sounds good to me, Pa,” Hoss said.

“Yeah, me too.” Joe.

Adam didn’t reply so I prompted him

“I can’t just yet. I’m acting sheriff, so I’ve got to tie things up here. You go on. I’ll be home as soon as I can,” he said.
Adam was acting sheriff? “Where’s the Sheriff?”

“He got shot. Adam here took charge,” Hoss indicated Adam with a turn of his head.

I looked at Adam. He didn’t look too good, but there is never any point trying to stop Adam from doing what he thinks should be done. “I’m sure you did what needed to be done. You go ahead. We’ll see you at home.” He smiled briefly and I know he watched us, a bit wistfully as we rode out of town.

Joe talked non-stop all the way home, trying to tell me what had gone on all night, but I have to confess that I didn’t really follow what he was saying. I was having enough trouble staying awake and on my horse. His voice was soothing in a way, even if I couldn’t follow his sometimes-incoherent story. It didn’t matter. I’d get it later, when I was awake. Between the three of them I might even get the full story. By the time we sat down to breakfast he had run out of steam and he actually fell asleep at the table. Hoss carried him upstairs and we put him to bed before heading to our own.

I woke before the boys. By the time Little Joe came downstairs, I was well into catching up with the paperwork that we had neglected while we were caught up in this Bryant business. He came over to me, a broad smile on his face.

I smiled back. “Sleep well, Joseph?” I asked.

He nodded. “Sure Pa. Can I help you with that?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. My youngest son is the second last person I would expect to ask to help with the books. The one who hates it the most is Hoss, but that’s because, bright as he is-and don’t let his looks fool you-rows of figures just give him a headache. Joe just can’t sit still long enough to pay attention to them. He grinned back, knowing exactly what I was thinking.

“No, thank you,” I said. “Why don’t you go find yourself something to eat and me a cup of coffee?”

“Trying to get rid of me?”

“No. I just want a cup of coffee. And when your brother gets up I want you to go down to help the horse breakers.”

He looked disappointed. Then he tried his best puppy dog look. It might have worked when he was ten, but not now. “Can’t I stay with you?” he asked

I shook my head. I reached out and patted his arm gently. “No. I’ve wasted too much time with this Bryant business and there is work to be done. Besides I thought you liked working with the horses.”

He couldn’t argue with that. It was his favorite activity on the ranch. I thanked him when he came back with the coffee and turned back to my work. It was hard to concentrate though with him prowling around. I told him to sit down more than once, but it didn’t last long. I don’t know who was more relieved to see Hoss, me or Joe!

I smiled at Hoss. “Sleep well?” I asked.

“Sure, Pa. Now all I need is some food an’ I’ll be right as rain,” he said as he headed towards the table where there was another plate of sandwiches.

“Good, because when you’ve had something to eat, I want you and Joseph to go out to the corrals. Those horses won’t get broken by themselves.”

“Can’t ya find Joe something to do here?” he asked, seeing Joe try his puppy dog look again. The boy is so overprotective of his little brother, but I really wanted to get those books finished. There was a great deal of work to catch up on, and I wanted to get that new contract to discuss with Adam when he came home.

“No. I want you two out with the horses, now!” I told them both.

When Adam came in, I took one look at him and realised that today was not the day for discussing contracts. He looked exhausted, but then, he hadn’t had time to rest. “You look tired, son. There’s time for a bath before supper if you want it.” I said to him. His face brightened just at the thought of it, so I called to Hop Sing to bring the water for one. “Where are Hoss and Joe?” he asked.

“I sent Joe to go and break some horses. He needed to let off some steam.”

“They tell you what happened?” he asked.

“They told me the bare bones.” I yawned. “I said we’d discuss the rest after supper. I was too tired to listen.”

He nodded, smiling slightly.

“I take it you got all the loose ends tied up? I asked.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ll take up professional sheriffing as a career,” he said.

For Adam, that comment alone spoke volumes.

“Adam?” I brought Adam back from wherever his thoughts had taken him. “Would you pour me a glass of brandy, please?”

We sat in front of the fire. I lit my pipe carefully, then looked up at each of my sons in turn.

“I wanted to tell you, boys, that I’m proud of what you did today. I’m so glad that you acted just as I expected you would.”

To my surprise there was no comment from any of them. The silenced lengthened, until finally Adam broke it

“Thank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I’m glad it was the right one.” His voice was so soft I could barely hear him, but I caught the “I”. I stored it away for a moment. Something was going on here, but I left it.

“You look very tired son. I think it would be a good idea if you went to bed soon.”
I know it irritates him when I do that, but the habits of many years are hard to break. Adam didn’t roll his eyes. He didn’t react at all-which worried me. There was an unexplained tension in the air. I tried to break it.

“It must have been very difficult, Adam, but I’m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.”

“Yeah, sure, Pa,” Adam said. I stared at him. There was no emotion in his tone at all. He was definitely trying to keep something from me.

Joe suddenly moved as if he was going to get up, and then was still again. I stopped looking at Adam and looked at my younger sons instead. Hoss especially looked a little nervous. He wiped his hands on his pants legs and took a deep breath.

“We didn’t help Adam, Pa,” he admitted, shamefaced. “We didn’t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.”

“I see,” I said, but that was all. I wasn’t sure what to say. There was silence again, then Hoss turned to Adam.

“We were wrong, Adam, I’m sorry,” he said. Hoss looked very uncomfortable but Adam, as usual, took pity on him

“That’s Ok, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I’d been wrong, I’d…” He stopped, as if the words were stuck in his throat.

I nodded. That explained a great many things. It was no wonder Adam looked as though he’d been in a stampede. I turned to Joe, expecting him to make the same apology as his older brother had. “And you, Joseph?” I asked.

“I’m NOT sorry,” Joe yelled. “He gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa’s life, just because he always thinks he’s right!” That wasn’t what I’d expected him to say.

Adam flinched as though Joe had struck him. Joe’s words obviously hurt him deeply. I frowned at Joe and then got up to comfort Adam. I touched his shoulders, feeling how tense he was, so I began to massage them gently. He reached up and clasped my hand, briefly. I patted his hand soothingly.

“I am also Adam’s and Hoss’ father, Joseph.” I didn’t shout at him, but I’ve no doubt that this was part of the problem, no doubt that this was what he had said to

Adam in the depth of the night, while Adam was struggling with the burden of working out how best to keep me alive. And doing it alone, without the support he should have had from his brothers. Joe flushed. I made my point, I think.

“And didn’t you think that what you wanted to do was right?” I added then.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Joe muttered. He looked up and met my eyes. He watched me for a moment then let all his grievances rip. He burst out, “I was afraid, Pa. I thought I’d never see you again, and Adam was just bein’ so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn’t care, just working it all out instead of….”

“Instead of going off half-cocked,” Adam snapped. “I told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.” His voice shook, but whether from anger or something else I wasn’t quite sure. I decided Adam needed to talk this out, without his brothers about.
I told them to go. Joe of course wanted to argue, but I insisted.

“Go on, Joseph,” I said. “I’ll be up to talk to you soon.”

Once they’d gone I turned my attention to Adam. He was staring into the fire as though the answers he was seeking were somehow written in the flames.

“Adam.”

He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. Adam does take everything to heart so.

“Joe’s right, you know, Pa. I did think my way was the right way. And suppose I’d been wrong?” That was what I thought was troubling him. Taking responsibility for making a decision like the one Adam was forced into is something Joe couldn’t understand. He is still very young.

“It wouldn’t have been much comfort for you, I know, but you would have known you’d done your best,” I said. “You know that’s all I ask of you-that you do your best and you try to do what I’ve taught you.”

“You’re right. It wouldn’t have been much comfort.” His voice thickened. Adam was as close to tears as I’d heard him for many years, which just told me how tired and emotionally stretched my oldest son was. Tears just weren’t Adam’s way. I had to find a way to comfort him; to relieve his burden. Then it occurred to me that I already had my answer. I’d told them already.

“Son, I would have done exactly the same thing if it had been one of you boys.” Adam turned and looked up at me, his eyes searching my face.

“You couldn’t have done anything else. If you’d given in to Bryant, I’d probably be dead now. A man like Bryant needs to operate on fear. How better to take over the town than by killing me? And setting it up so he could blame my sons? No, son, I know what you did was hard, but it had to be done. I knew I could put my trust in you, and I’m proud and grateful.”

He must have found the absolution he was seeking in my face, because he whispered “Thanks, Pa.”

I had to finish what I’d started. Somehow I had to help Adam deal with all of this.

“Adam, don’t stew over this. You did what had to be done. I don’t hold you at fault, and you shouldn’t let it worry you. Don’t let Joe worry you either.”

He smiled at me, but it wasn’t very convincing. I suddenly wanted to take him into my arms and soothe away his hurts as I'd done when he was a small boy, but that wouldn’t work any more. He had to come to terms with it himself. It would help if his brothers, especially Joseph, were with him. I could leave Hoss to sort things out himself. He and Adam are very close. Joseph would need a bit more pushing. “I’ll go and talk to Joseph. I won’t tell him that what he wanted to do was more than likely to get me killed. He doesn’t need that burden.”

“I guess not, but it might make him think before he loses that temper of his,” he said, getting some relief from sniping at Joe.

“Possibly, but I doubt it. He just needs to mature a little.” I decided to give him something else to think about, knowing just how much it annoys him. “It’s time you got some sleep,” I said.

I was a little surprised when he didn’t take my bait, but in companionable silence we turned off lamps and banked the fire. At his bedroom door, I paused and said “goodnight,” squeezing his shoulder again. Then I went down the hall to Hoss’ room.

I tapped on his door. “Mind if I speak to you, son?” I asked. I sat down on the end of his bed.

“You all right, Hoss?” I asked.

He nodded. “Sure. I’m real glad everythin’ turned out ok, Pa.” I patted his leg.

“So am I, son. So am I.” I was quiet then I said, “I guess last night was hard on us all.” It was odd how out of all of my sons, Hoss was the one to whom I could admit this. Oh, I’m sure Adam knew, but right now Adam had his own demons to deal with. And Little Joe is still little more than a child, for all he thinks he’s not.

“Joe’s takin’ it real hard, Pa,” Hoss said. “Ya won’t be too mad with him, will ya?” Trust Hoss to be concerned about his baby brother.

“I’m not mad with him. I just don’t want him to make it harder than it needs to be on Adam. You know how Adam takes things to heart.” Hoss nodded. Hoss understands Adam better even that I do.

“I tried ta talk to him, Pa, but he didn’t want to listen,” Hoss said. He wasn’t apologising; he was explaining.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Pa? Would you have done the same thing if it had been one of us?” Hoss asked, surprising me. He wasn’t given to introspection.

“That’s just what I told Adam. That I would have hanged Perkins if it had been one of you in there.”
Hoss’ face brightened. Whatever had been on his mind had been straightened out, so that was one son who would do his own fence-mending tomorrow. I smiled at him as I said good night.

There was just my baby son to tackle now, and he was going to be the most difficult. I was getting very tired myself, but I couldn’t sleep until I’d resolved the dissension under my roof.

Joe sat up in bed and moved over so I could sit next to him. I put my arm around his shoulders and hugged him and he snuggled up against me.

“You need a haircut,” I said, idly smoothing back an errant curl. It was more something to say than anything else.

Joe snuggled closer then he said, “I thought I’d never get a chance to do this again.”

That was hardly surprising. He doesn’t have Adam’s powers of logical deduction, or Hoss’ belief in Adam’s skills. “Is that why are you so angry with Adam?”

“I don’t know. No, I’m mad with him because he gambled with your life just as if he didn’t care!” Just as I’d thought.

“I’m sure you don’t really believe that. You of all people should know how much Adam cares about this family, about everyone in this family,” I told him. “He’s bailed you out of trouble often enough. Now think carefully, Joe. Why are you really angry?”

I waited while he thought about it. Then out it came. “I was scared, Pa. So scared that I’d never see you again.”

“But I’m here now, Joe, so you can stop being angry. You know, it wasn’t the easiest decision for Adam to make. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would you have liked to make that choice that he did? Would you like to have had to make that choice?” I doubt that he would have considered Adam’s position at all. Joseph isn’t very good at seeing both sides.

“Just think about how Adam feels about it, Joe. He had to try to think about the consequences of what he was doing. The responsibility was all his. And he was trying to protect you by making the decision by himself so that you wouldn’t have the burden of deciding whether to put my life on the line. And you know it is much easier to risk your own life that that of someone you love.”

I knew Joe wouldn’t hesitate for a minute to risk his life to save his brothers’ or mine. He adores them, even if he wouldn’t admit it. “Pa? Do you suppose Adam was scared too?”

Yes, I thought to myself, he is very young. “I know he was, son,” I told him. I knew Adam wouldn’t mind me telling Joe that. Joe needs to learn that it isn’t always right or proper to let everyone else know how you felt. I know that a few times he’s gone to play poker-and that he is, as Hoss said once, the worst poker player in Virginia City. But that is only because he can’t hide his feelings.

“He’s just better at hiding it that you are. And at hiding the hurt.”

There was a very long silence, then he started to get out of bed. “What do you think you’re doing, young man?”

“I’ve gotta go apologise to Adam,” he explained.

I wouldn’t let him. Adam didn’t need an emotion charged discussion with his little brother right now. I was sure Adam wouldn’t say anything to hurt Joe intentionally, but he was as taut as a bowstring just at the moment, and he does have a very sarcastic tongue. “That can wait till the morning. Let him sleep. And you get some sleep too.”

I waited till he’d got into bed properly again, then I said, “There’s one more thing you should think about, Joseph. If it had been one of you boys, I would have done just as Adam did. And I would have been just as afraid that I was wrong too.”

I didn’t wait for a response, just patted his shoulder and said ‘goodnight’.

Then I headed to my own room. The thought of my bed was becoming more and more tempting, and tomorrow was going to be a very busy day. Before I went to sleep I thanked the Lord, that, with my sons’ help, there would be a tomorrow.

April 2002

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