How Simple
Can You Get?
Laura A. Brodie
Little Joe Cartwright leaned
against the mercantile building waiting for his brother, Hoss, to finish
lusting after the various sweetening the store had to offer. The youngest Cartwright had wanted to grab a beer
and check out the latest saloon girl, but had agreed to wait for his
brother. He was regretting that decision
as Hoss lingered, gazing longingly at the desired confections that made his
mouth water and his stomach growl.
“Will you please come on?! They ain’t gonna talk to ya and ya got enough
already to feed every hand on the Ponderosa!”
Hoss stood tongue out,
wringing his hands over the desired candies, but knew he had spent all the
money he could afford. He had needed his
saddle re-stitched and it had cost him to do it. He would have to hold off and pray he had
purchased enough of the sugary treat to hold him until his next trip to
town. Eventually allowing his body to
leave the store, Hoss vowed he would return as soon as his dwindled savings were
restored. He only hoped Mrs. Phillips,
the creator of his beloved treats, stayed healthy and free from harm.
Joe pushed off the building
with his shoulder, as he placed his hand on the back of his downtrodden
brother. “S’okay,
Hoss. You’ll be back soon. I’m sure they’ll miss you, too.”
The two Cartwright brothers
made their way down the street, eventually ending in front of Joe’s most
coveted establishment. As the saloon
doors opened, Joe fell into character.
He was no longer the youngest, the little brother of the Cartwright
clan. He was Joe Cartwright, handsome
cowboy and man about town. Joe added
more of a swagger to his walk as he moved.
He pushed his hat back, just far enough to where he thought it looked
best. Arriving at the bar, he propped
one foot on the brass railing and leaned in on one elbow. He was in his element. He knew it and he wanted the saloon girls to
know it, too.
As Joe ordered a beer, Hoss
moved in beside him, counting the few coins that remained in his pocket. “Uh, Joe? Can you help me out? I seem to be comin’
up a might short an’ I’m powerful thirsty.
You spare some money?”
Joe rolled his eyes at
Hoss. He had hoped his brother had saved
a few dollars, so he could bum some for a hand or two of poker. “Leave it to you to throw your money away,”
Joe chastised, as he ordered up a beer for his big brother and then settled
back to look at the girls.
Alfonso Contracarda
de la Conception and Delbert Delahoussay, known as Al and Double Del
respectively, sat glaring at the two figures standing so casually at the
bar. The two Cartwrights had bested them
in every challenge, tournament, competition and sporting event to be found in
There they stand, our archenemies,
the thieves of glory, Double Del thought.
He and his sidekick sat wondering when it would be they would finally
champion the two low-down, conniving Cartwrights.
The peace of the Cartwright
boys’ respite was disturbed when a small, elderly man sidled up to the
bar. He was out of breath and gasping
and it took a while for him to settle.
After he had calmed, he spoke quietly, not wanting to give his news away
to the entire saloon. As the man leaned
in to the young men standing at the bar, their eyes became trained on him. “Have ya heard,
young fellas?
The Royal Prince of Arabie lost his most
prized gen-u-ine Arabie
stallion near here. Seems the horse
broke loose from ‘im.
They say five grow’d men tried ta hold it, but that dang fool horse wound up hurtin’ one poor fella, knockin’ ‘im in the head. They say it’s got hooves that move like
swords, it does! The Prince’s offerin’ a re-ward of $200 to the fella
who rounds up that stallion. Sounds ta me there’s money t’be
made. I plan on gettin’
me that there money. I can find me one
horse. Don’t reckon on many others willin’ to track one miserable beast, not when life an’
limb are at stake. But me...I lived a
full life…and plan on drinkin’ me to my death. That stallion’s gonna get me there…$200 cash
money…for a horse!”
Joe and Hoss looked at each
other. Both had a thought…rounding up a
horse? We do that all the time. How simple can you get? Joe’s thoughts then turned to the money. He could use some to play poker. And Hoss? His thoughts were of sweetening - miles and
miles of yummy candy.
*************************************
“A HORSE!” Ben Cartwright’s voice boomed. “You two’re tellin’ me you want time away from your duties here to
chase a horse?! What? We don’t have enough of ‘em here for the two
of you - or are ours not good enough?!”
As both sons sank further on
the couch, Joe mumbled, “None worth $200 pay.”
Ben’s head jerked to his
youngest. “Oh, so now you are gonna
complain about pay, are you?”
“
“I don’t see why you two
have to go runnin’ round the countryside looking for
work! We have thousands of acres for you
to find plenty to do on, but you both seem to find work elsewhere.”
“Well…that ain’t quite true, Pa,” Hoss piped up. “That stallion’s probably on our land and all
we need’s a bunch a yahoos comin’ in and scarin’ the herd and tramplin’
the rye grass. Joe an’ me, well, we’ll
help the ranch out by roundin’ up this horse right
quick and makin’ sure we don’t end up with cattle
spread from here to
Joe smiled at his brother
and shook his head in agreement. Hoss’s right! That’s
a terrific argument! Boy, Hoss, I’m teachin’ ya right. I’m proud of ya, brother! Joe thought, his
expression offering support.
“You two are going to
protect the Ponderosa?” Adam chimed in.
He had been sitting back listening to his brothers’ latest scheme,
becoming amused at the justifications they tried to pass by their father. “Now I’ve heard everything.”
Joe and Hoss scowled. They didn’t need their elder brother’s two
cents added to cloud the waters. A
command of “Stay out of it!” was heard from both, as they attempted to cut Pa
from the herd and tire him down. Adam
merely shook his head and covered his grin with his hand.
Ben eyed his two youngest
boys. “Hoss, I’m so pleased you’re
concerned about the ranch and the well-being of our cattle. I know I can rest assured that money has
nothing to do with that concern…And Joseph, your payment for hard work is a
glad heart, son. I know you know
that. You boys don’t need to go chasing
Arabian stallions. We have plenty of
stallions here to occupy your time.”
“But, Pa…” Joe attempted to
interject.
“No, Joseph, you both are needed here. End
of discussion.” Ben had been standing in
front of the fireplace, towering over his sons.
With this final proclamation, he moved to his chair, pulled out his pipe
and opened the Press Enterprise. He said
quietly before turning his attention to the paper, “Arabie
stallion, indeed.”
Joe motioned with his head
for Hoss to join him upstairs. As the two left the room, Ben and Adam looked first to their
retreating figures and then to each other. Ben shook his head at his eldest, as Adam
chuckled. However, the eldest brother
was not about to miss out on what Joe and Hoss were cooking up. He waited until his brothers were securely in
Joe’s room and then followed safely behind.
He had to hear the logic the two would use to try and outfox their
father. It was certain to be good for a
laugh or two!
**************************************
Once in Joe’s room, Hoss and
his little brother began a discussion as to how they could get their work done
on the ranch and still be able to hunt down their treasure. While Hoss sat on the bed, his head in his
hands, Joe paced the room. The youngest
Cartwright thought he could figure it out if he only had a few minutes to
think. Think, come on, there is a way around this, he told
himself. The movements back and forth
across the floor allowed his mind to focus.
He had often outthought his Pa before…well, sometimes he had…okay, it
usually didn’t work, but he knew this time he could develop the right plan to
allow Pa to stay blissfully unaware and for him and Hoss to get that $200.
As Joe paced, Hoss
contemplated his own question. When he
couldn’t figure it out he decided to ask his worldlier brother. “Uh…Joe, can I ask you a question?”
“I’m trying to think
here…what is it?”
“What exactly is an Arabie stallion? Now
I know the kinda horse we have here in
“Well, you know, Hoss, Arabie…like from
“I got that part, Joe. But is it different than our horses? Do we do anything special to catch it?”
“Well, uh…yeah…they’re big
horses, gotta be ‘cause they have them princes to
carry around with all ‘em robes an’ gold an’ stuff. They’re big ol’
sturdy things that can go days and days without water. You know - it’s
desert there an’ all.”
“So holdin’
up at a water hole ain’t too smart of us then?”
“Not our first option,
no…This horse’ll be hard to catch, Hoss. I feel it.
You know, it’s a royal breed…hmm…royal and smart…an’ Pa’s a clever
man…Very clever…What to do, Hoss? What
to do…? I think we show a façade,
Hoss. That’s it…a façade!” Joe snapped his finger at the realization of
solving his problem. “We say we’re doin’ one thing…and underneath…we’re doin’
another! Like them buildings they’re
always tryin’ to make look bigger…We’ll give a
different picture to Pa! He’ll see one
thing and we’ll be doin’ another! Oh, this is brilliant! An incredible plan! We make it seem we’re doin’
for Pa…you know, doin’ our chores…We get our stuff
done round here, Pa has no idea what we’re up to, and we get money in our pockets to boot!”
“I don’t really get the
plan, Joe. Could ya tell me ‘gain?”
Joe placed his arm around Hoss’s shoulders as he sat next to him on the bed. “Hoss, have I ever steered ya wrong? Have I?”
“Uh…” Hoss scrunched up his
face in concern. “Well, not really
wrong, Joe. But you’ve gotten us in some
trouble with
“Nah! Not me, Hoss…circumstance…just
circumstance. This plan’s
foolproof. Now…if we just
control…circumstance.” Joe sat next to
his brother while he played out the capture of the stallion in his head. Hoss sat as well, trusting Joe to iron out
the details. He gave a few hesitant
looks to his little brother, but had to admit he was glad it was not his burden
to figure out the complexities. He’d
like the extra money and it seemed Joe had a knack for creating it from
nothing. He decided he’d go along with
the plan. It was only a horse. After all, it was what they did every day.
Adam stood outside Joe’s
door, trying not to bust out laughing as he heard Joe’s description of an
Arabian horse. Here it was again, Joe’s
grand scheme to make a quick buck - and Hoss’s
willingness to fall right off the cliff with his little brother. It’s truly scary to think of the trouble
those two can generate simply by talking to each other, Adam thought to
himself. Joe sure was good at the con -
and if he continued on the same path he’d be great at it...all he needed was
better cons around to teach him. Oh, now
that was a truly scary thought!
****************************************
The only thought that
persuaded Joe to leave his warm bed was the money. Two hundred dollars cash money to be specific
- and capturing one four-legged creature would give him half of it. One hundred poker playin’, drink buyin’, woman wooin’ dollars! He
already had what was needed - a lariat and skill - so his expenses were
nil. He was certain they would track the
horse and capture it easily. Did he dare
think they could complete the task that day and be richer by sundown? Sure…nothing to it, he said to himself and
forced his body to leave the warm blankets.
Joe made his way down the
stairs still tucking in his shirt, his boots in his hand. The great room was dark as he called out in a
whisper, “Hoss? Hoss,
you here?” The touch on his
shoulder made him jump and release a small scream.
Hoss was quick to put his
hand over Joe’s mouth. “Ssshhh! Hush, Joe!
You’re gonna wake the house!”
Joe attempted to mumble
something through the hand over his mouth, but only muffled words were heard.
“What?” Hoss questioned, no
idea what his brother had said.
Joe glared as he pointed to
the hand that covered his mouth. His
older brother gave a sheepish look and Joe slapped the hand and scowled as it
was removed. “You scared me, you idiot! Don’t do that! Are you ready to go?”
“Yep. Got some grub and my gear.”
Joe looked disgusted at his
brother, but shook his head and moved to the door. He thought, This is
what I have to work with! Get centered,
Hoss! Would you please focus?!
The air was fall crisp and
it was evident winter was threatening to intercede. The two rode in relative quiet to the fences
they were assigned to mend. Joe finally
shared with Hoss his reasoning of why he felt they might just conveniently be
in the right area to spot the rogue horse.
“Hoss, here’s my thinkin’. If you were a foreigner in town, where would
you go?”
“Uh…maybe
the hotel or uh…how ‘bout the rest’rant or a saloon?” Hoss said as he scrunched
up his face in thought and scratched his head.
Joe shook his head. “I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ like this horse…See, ya gotta get in his head…I
think I’d go and check out the local females if I was him…And I do believe
we’re headed right at ‘em.” Joe was
speaking of the local herd of wild horses that ran the Ponderosa. “Think of it, Hoss, an Arabie
prince has his harem of women…so an Arabie stallion
might just attempt to cut in on the local stallion’s harem. It’s what I’d do if I was him.”
“You know, Joe, you just
might be right! Hot diggity,
I think you’re on t’somethin’!”
Joe smiled a cocky
grin. It was like taking candy from a
baby. “We’ll work fence a while and then
take a look around. We need to get somethin’ done ‘fore we go for him so Pa don’t
suspect. The façade, Hoss, the façade;
never forget the plan.” Hoss gave his
brother a serious look of concern. He
didn’t really get the plan, but he was sure Joe had got it and that was all
that really mattered.
The two men settled in and
began the arduous, never-ending task of repairing the boundaries that separated
the herd from peril and Cartwright land from others’. They worked without stopping until midmorning
and were about to call it a break when a man on a horse approached. It was the same elderly man who had been in
the saloon the previous day and, as he rode up, Joe and Hoss remembered him.
“Howdy,” the man greeted
them.
“Hey,” Hoss and Joe chimed
in together.
“Hee, hee. That stallion’s near, I tell ya…found me some
signs.” The old-timer smiled a
gap-toothed grin.
“Signs? What kinda
signs?” Joe perked up,
interested in anything that could give a clue to the horse’s whereabouts.
“Well, I can’t go givin’ ‘way my secrets, now can
I? Let’s just say there’s some tellin’ signs…That horse had him some riggin’…Arabie riggin’ for sure - fancy
and got all ‘em do-dads, you know. Got
me some signs, I do. All I need ta track me one mean ol’ ornery
critter. See ya, boys…and don’t you be workin’ too hard now, ya hear? Ya might put yourselves in an early
grave.” The elderly man gave a laugh and
was then away. His face held a certain
worry, though, if you looked real close.
Had he said too much and was his treasure now at risk?
Watching the man ride away,
both Cartwrights felt the need to follow.
Joe eventually looked at Hoss, who was looking at him. “Signs?” both said in unison. That meant the stallion was still nearby,
maybe? Both dropped the fencing where it
was and mounted up, willing to leave Pa’s firm directive for the promise of
money. After all, the old-timer said the
stallion was near and they could grab it and be back in no time.
****************************************
Hoss and Joe scoured the
land for several hours as they searched for the Arabian’s hoof prints. They found signs of the old man’s horse, but
no stallion. However, neither was quite
sure what the hoof prints of a desert horse would look like when compared to a
regular horse. Joe simply assumed they
would know them when they saw them and Hoss was content to trust Joe. They were about to give up the search when
Joe saw something glimmering in a thicket.
Both moved their horses over and dismounted quickly. Joe was the first to the shrubs and, as he
reached in, he found a piece of purple silk cloth and, attached to it, a gold
buckle. He turned them over in his hands
several times before showing them to his brother. The bigger man also studied the clues closely
and then smiled. “Purple? Ain’t that royalty colors, Joe?” Hoss
inquired.
“I think so. You know, when that king of wherever came
through here, he seemed kinda partial to purple. He wore an awful lot of it. I kinda thought it was a bit much, but, he bein’ a king an’ all, well, I guess he can get away with
it.”
“It did seem a little
overdone. I’m sure, though, him bein’ a king he could do just ‘bout anythin’
he wanted to. Joe, you ever think ‘bout bein’ a king?”
The two stood many minutes
musing over the
Both rode along feeling
excited they had at least found a sign.
They felt certain it would be only a short matter of time and the
stallion would be on the end of one of their ropes. The festive feelings were quickly doused in
cold water as the two rounded the corner to see their father - on foot and
looking disheveled. Ben was covered in
mud, a swollen area just under his lip and, worst of all, he was glaring at
them. “Where in tar-nation have you two
ruffians been for the last three hours?!” he yelled.
The booming voice was enough
to make both horses and riders jump.
“Uh, hey, Pa,” Joe started.
“Don’t you dare ‘hey, Pa’
me! I come out here to check on you two
and not only are you not here, there is no fence up! What is the meaning of this?!”
Hoss scrunched up his face
and looked at his father. “Uh,
Pa…where’s Buck?”
Ben scowled. “Probably most a the
way back to the house, thank you very much!”
“Uh, Pa…um…can I, uh…ask
what happened? Why’d ya lose Buck?” Joe
asked, continuing to deny his father was angry.
“Why did I lose Buck? Why did I lose Buck?! I LOST him because there was no fence! And there was no fence because my sons had
not built one yet!”
“Uh…you needed a fence?” Joe
asked meekly.
“YES! It helps to stop stampeding cattle!”
“Stampeding cattle?” Hoss
asked as he swallowed hard and looked toward Joe, whose fingers were in his
mouth as he nervously chewed his thumbnail.
Hoss let go a low, “Oh, Lordy.”
“I was out to check on you
two and saw a few head…strays. Thought I
would get them rounded up. A bee stung
me…” Ben unconsciously touched the swollen area under his lip, “and,
well…I…yelled…it, uh…spooked the cows.
They headed towards the fence…BUT THERE WASN’T ONE!”
Hoss and Joe winced.
“The fence was needed for a
reason, boys. Do you know what that
reason was?”
“To keep
the cows in?” Joe asked as he cowered away from his father.
“To avoid
the bog behind it!” Ben spat back.
The picture was becoming
clearer for the two brothers - and it wasn’t good!
“The cows and Buck were bogged down. I worked to free them, but they were jumpy
and…well...my yelling at Buck didn’t help matters. My horse freed himself and left me in the
bog. I finally pulled myself free…had to
use the bushes around me, but I made it.
No thanks to you two!”
Joe and Hoss both looked
ill. This wasn’t good and they knew
their father would make them pay. “Uh,
Pa, we were…” Joe began.
“I know what you two were doing.
I want this fence fixed and I want it done NOW!” Ben commanded. “And while I’m thinking about it, give me
your horses.”
“Our horses?” the two asked
in unison.
“Yes, I need one to ride and
it wouldn’t be fair to choose between you.
You seem joined at the hip, anyway, so I will let you both walk back to
the ranch.” Ben had thought of his
punishment as he had stood waiting for the boys to return to their duties.
“Walk? Walk back home? Pa, that’s a long way!” Joe tried to protest
as he dismounted Cochise.
“Yeah, and it will give you
time to ponder the error of your ways, after
you’ve fixed that fence!” Ben barked as he took the reins of his sons’ horses.
Joe and Hoss could only
watch as their father rode out of sight.
Hoss couldn’t help but turn and glare at his younger brother. “You’re idea ain’t workin’,
Joseph!”
“Oh sure, doubt me
now!” Joe rolled his eyes. “You know, you always do this! We run into a little bit of trouble and
you’re blamin’ me!
Always blamin’ me! If you weren’t my brother I’d say you had
problems with loyalty!”
****************************************
Joe and Hoss worked to
string the fencing and then started the slow journey back to the ranch
house. They had initially been quiet
with each other, as their anger at the situation burned. Eventually, however, they reunited in their
quest for money and by the time the two reached the big house they were the
best of friends once more. As the heavy
door opened, a sad sight stopped the brothers in their tracks. Their father sat in his chair, covered in a
strange slimy mixture that reeked. His
face was now even more swollen just below his bottom lip. The boys smiled a forced smile and nodded at
their father as they entered, trying not to react to the sulfur smell that
filled the room. Neither looked to the
other, as they somehow knew their father’s plight had to do with their latest
venture.
Joe thought, Don’t ask. Pa’ll just yell. He
looked at his father, still smiling. “We
got all the fencin’ done ya
wanted,
Ben looked at his two
youngest sons. Why did they insist on
chasing rainbows? He had started itching
on the ride back and the itches covered his face and hands with a harsh rash
before he arrived home. He realized only
too late that the plants surrounding the bog were poison ivy. He had been exposed and was covered with the
itch and pain of the red inflammation.
Hop Sing had moved in to
cool the heat and itch of the patriarch of the Ponderosa’s skin with foreign
herbs and several creams. He had
slathered and dabbed as Ben Cartwright allowed, but the itch was still there
and Ben was uncomfortable. He was
covered with slimy goo and the sensation left him feeling less than
dignified. The smell was repulsive and he
wondered how he would stand living with himself.
Ben looked at his boys
through the herb mask wrap that surrounded most of his exposed body. His sons had brought on the itch and the
thought spurned him to yell. The yell was
muffled and somewhat hard to understand, as Ben’s swelling made it hard to
talk. “Go to your rooms! Outta my
sight! You two are a plague! Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve this?”
Hoss hit Joe hard as they
headed up the stairs and Joe cried out, “Ow! Boy, you hit hard! I hear it…I do…’kay,
so Pa ain’t real happy right now. We
make sure Pa’s okay with us - we just lay low a while before we try again,” Joe
said as his brain worked overtime. “Gotta be a way to get that horse. Gotta be a way!”
****************************************
Joe and Hoss gave their
father a wide berth for the next few days and worked hard to do nothing to
anger him. It was easy for them to stay
away, given the smell of the treatments Ben was receiving. As a matter of fact, Ben found himself alone
a great deal of the time and he spent a lot of his time in the fresh air, the
smell driving even him out of doors.
One morning, before going
out into the open air, Ben had by habit checked the date on the calendar on his
desk. He noted he was expected to
perform a great service for
“Joe, Hoss, hold up a
minute,” Ben called out as he walked up to his sons. His words came in a lisp as he tried to
negotiate the bee sting.
“Hey, Pa, what ‘cha need?”
Hoss asked, wanting to please his father any way he
could. As Ben approached, both Chub and
Cochise reared and pulled away from the hitching post. The startled horses moved closer to the barn
and away from the offensive smell.
Ben scowled at the animals’
insult and then turned to his sons. “I
have a chore for the two if you…if you think you can handle it. The Virginia City Chamber of Commerce has commissioned
a silver pocket watch to be made for the President of the
The brothers looked at each
other, knowing that to laugh at the thought of their father in town as he
currently appeared would probably get them horsewhipped. “Sure,
“This is very important. I want that watch on that stage, understand? Go pick it up at the Chamber of Commerce and
get it on the stage bound for
“Sure
thing,
Glaring at
Hoss, but more so at the disrespectful horses, Ben gave his final command. “See that you don’t let me down, boys. Don’t make me sorry I sent you.” Ben whipped around and marched back into the
house, attempting to keep the remainder of his dignity intact.
The two men mounted up and
rode off, neither willing to discuss their father’s state until they were
certain they were out of earshot. After
deciding two miles was a good way away, both looked at each other and began
laughing hysterically. Eventually the
tears of laughter subsided and Joe was the first to speak. “Oh, Lordy, Pa
smells bad! And that sting…that’s some
kinda swellin’!”
“You ain’t
kiddin’. All I
could do t’stand there. We gotta do this right though, Joe. Pa is already madder than two wild cats with
their tails tied together.”
A sneaky grin covered Joe’s
face as he spoke. “We’ll do it, don’t you
worry, and we just might have some time to look for that horse, too.”
Hoss gave Joe a cautious
look. “We get that watch on its way
though first, Joseph. I can’t stand Pa
mad at us.”
“Yeah, I know. ‘Bout as hard as puttin’
up with that stink,” Joe quipped as he kicked Cochise and was off. Hoss fell in and they loped their way to
town.
Upon arriving in
The ride was quiet until
they were an hour from their destination.
Both saw the old man from the saloon stopped up ahead, looking at the
ground. As they rode up to him they
stopped as well, determined to see what it was he was up to. The man nodded and smiled,
his expression hard to read. “You boys
are good, very good. You have the same
sense as me.”
Hoss and Joe looked at each
other as Joe asked, “Same as you?”
“You fellas
feel him near, don’t cha? You know
horses. That you do. You’re after that Arabie,
sure as the world. I’ll curse my name
for ever mentionin’ him to ya. You’re after my purse, I know it, but I’ll
fight ya, a will!”
Joe heard the man’s concern
and decided to proceed with caution.
“Uh, the stallion’s around? He’s
near by? I thought he was with the Ponderosa
herd.”
“Looks like that Ponderosa
stallion fought him off. He seems t’be travelin’ to the sand. Makes sense though when ya
think of it, him bein’ Arabie
an’ all.” The old man held out a
partial shoe, showing them the metal and shaking his head.
Hoss took the evidence and
examined it as he looked at his little brother.
“Large hoof my eye, Joseph! This
pony’s a small one.”
Joe looked a bit flustered,
but quickly recovered as he looked back at his brother. “Uh, so who knew they had small hooves?! Hoss, when was the last time either of us was
in
Hoss thought a moment and
realized Joe did have a point. However,
his little brother had been so sure of Arabie
stallions. Was he wrong? “But Joe…you said they had big hooves…”
“So I got ‘em mixed up with
Hoss looked between his
brother and their competitor. He thought
a moment and concluded Joe was right; he had expected too much. “Uh, this here shoe looks Arabie
and I know my shoes. We’ll be moseying
along, I guess. We’ll see you ‘round town.”
The old man looked at his
young competitors and seemed a bit worried.
“You boys leave that stallion be.
He could hurt you, but good!”
“We’ll do that mister. We’re just riding to
The old man talked casually
to the two a while longer and then rode away, attempting to pursue a dream of
money. Joe watched until the man was out
of sight before he turned to Hoss and smiled.
“We’re near once again, Hoss, dear brother! Two hundred dollars will soon be ours! I smell that horse in our grasp!” Joe was rubbing his hands together as he
spoke.
Hoss looked at his little
brother, knowing they had a job to do.
“Joe, we gotta get that package off to
“Uh…yeah, I did, but Pa
didn’t really say when. Uh…tell you
what. We check out a little on the
whereabouts of that stallion and then we get the package off. We got time, Hoss. Come on, we can get $200!”
Hoss thought a moment. They had plenty of time to get to the stage;
it was not leaving until late. The money
sounded good and he was soon enticed. He
needed to refresh his dwindled savings.
“We just look ‘til we gotta go for the stage? Promise me, Joseph! You agree?”
Joe looked at his older
brother and nodded. “We’ll have that horse
‘fore you can say, ‘this goes to
Joe rode cautiously so as to
not miss any sign of the renegade animal and Hoss moved closely behind. They worked their way through the sand until
the ground became rocky and all signs of the horse disappeared. Both dismounted and began searching on foot
for a sign, but the going was slow and the signs remained hidden. Finally they decided to split up to cover
more ground. Time was running out and
they needed to hurry along.
Hoss walked Chub through the
area slowly, as he looked for prints. He
was busy working when his stomach began to growl and it became a
distraction. Remembering he had left
some sweetening in his saddlebag, his normal custom in preparing for adversity,
he dug through the bag and located the candy easily enough. He carried the stick in his hand as he moved,
taking a lick every few steps. The
hunger was momentarily quelled and Hoss was once again able to focus on his
exploration.
The big man soon felt
himself in luck when he saw there was a ledge he could walk out on to have a
better view of the canyon below. The
ledge was somewhat narrow and Hoss had to move carefully. He moved out and looked over, hoping to see
the Arabian below. As he looked down, he
moved his feet, unaware of where he was putting them. Before he knew it, he had stepped firmly into
a crevasse and his foot was caught.
No amount of wiggling or
jiggling seemed to free Hoss’s foot and he knew he
would need his brother’s help to get himself unstuck. He looked around, hoping Joe was within
shouting range, but soon realized he would not be able to get his brother by
yelling. Hoss reached for his pistol and
went to fire it in the air. The next
series of events were only a blur in his head.
Drawing the gun caused a shifting of rock and Hoss suddenly lost his
balance. His flailing, while focusing on
the candy, made the gun discharge. The
candy fell in the dirt as he tried to re-correct his balance. The bullet fired made Chub rear and the horse
was off, running fast and furious, away from the threat.
“Dadburn it!” Hoss exclaimed, as he reached down to free his
foot. “Dropped my sweetenin’,
scared my horse…”
“Why’re
you shootin’ and what’s wrong with your foot?” Joe
asked as he appeared and saw his brother’s contorted face. “You hurt?”
“Dawgone it, Joe! I ain’t
hurt. I’m stuck! Help me out here!”
“What in the blue blazes
have you done now?” Joe dismounted and
moved over to his brother to study the situation. “Leave it to you to get your big ol’ fat foot stuck!”
Joe and Hoss worked to free
the ensnared limb and time escaped them. They were finally able to release the rock’s
grasp and Hoss fell back free, his hand landing on the candy. Joe reached out to give assistance and soon
his hand, too, had the sticky substance on it.
“Oh jeez, Hoss!
Look what ‘cha done now! Thanks a
lot!” Joe wiped his hand on Hoss’s shirt and then walked away shaking his head. He suddenly noticed from the sun’s position
in the sky that they would have to get a move on to get to the stage on
time. “Come on, Hoss, the day’s
wasted. We gotta get that package
off. Where’s Chub?”
“He ran off when I shot my
gun. I think I came close to him.”
“Great! You almost shoot your horse! I swear you’re more trouble than you’re
worth. I’ll go get Chub and you just
stand there. Don’t move! Probably go fallin’
off that cliff next!” Joe continued to
mutter as he rode away to fetch Chub. He
found the animal grazing lazily. Joe
grabbed the reins and quickly got back to Hoss, knowing they would now have to
hurry to make it to town.
Hoss saw his horse and
noticed his saddle was askew. Briars and
brambles and sand all over it told him Chub had tried to rid himself of the
saddle. As he began carefully picking
away the debris, Joe barked, “Will you just get on and come on? We gotta get this to the stage. You used up all our free time with your
stupid foot.” Joe was then off at a
gallop towards town, no longer willing to assist his brother. Hoss muttered something about it not being
his fault, then jumped on his horse and followed. The two rode without speaking.
Once at the stage, Hoss
dismounted and reached for his saddlebag.
He noticed a distinctive hole through the bag and quickly lifted it to
check and see if his horse was hurt. Joe
stood watching with no idea what Hoss was doing. He saw his brother studying his horse’s flank
and then appear relieved as he moved to open the bag.
Seeing no blood or harm to
Chub, Hoss slowly opened the bag and looked inside. He then looked at his little brother, his
face suddenly appearing quite ill. He
held open the bag and Joe looked in as well.
The only thing said was, “Oh, Lord…do we have to go home? We can build a new life. Really, it might be best.”
****************************************
Morning broke over the ranch
and Ben was up with his coffee. He had been
concerned the previous evening when Hoss and Joe had not arrived before he had
retired for the night, but eventually he heard them come in sometime very
late. It was then he could rest easy and
allow himself to sleep. Adam soon came
down to join his father, but sat on the far end of the table. He found his appetite dwindling as he smelt
Hop Sing’s potion for itching. The two
men sat quietly discussing the day’s work as Adam attempted to resist the urge
to cover his nose. He knew his father
would not appreciate the gesture, but it took all his effort not to do it. They had settled into a discussion about
branding records, when both Hoss and Joe descended the stairs and moved to the
table.
“Mornin’,
Pa,” the two said in unison as they sat.
Ben was immediately
suspicious. He knew it was rare for Joe
to be up as early as he was without significant pressure to do so and both boys
were behaving as if they were one being, a sure sign something was amiss. “Mornin’,
Hoss. Mornin’,
Joe. You boys got in awfully late. You stay in town the whole time? And my package, did it get off okay?”
Joe and Hoss exchanged
looks, as neither wanted to speak. They
knew it would be bad and they diverted their eyes to their plates. Ben saw the reaction and immediately felt
nervous. His voice grew louder. “You did get that package off…didn’t you?”
No answer was given and Ben
was enraged. “Answer me! The package!”
Joe and Hoss sank in their
chairs and Hoss was the first to respond.
“Why don’t you fill Pa in…Joseph?”
Joe scowled at his brother
and, for a moment, the room was deadly silent.
He could see his father’s swollen face out of the corner of his eye and
he knew this was indeed very, very bad.
“Well it’s like this Pa…” Joe
could not look at his father as he told the story.
Ben sat listening to the
tale and felt his temples beginning to throb.
He heard about the boys in
“Uh…um…you know when I told
you Hoss shot his gun to get my attention?” Joe asked in a very quiet voice.
“Yes?” Ben asked, afraid to
hear the explanation.
“Uh…well…uh…um…that
bullet…it went into Hoss’s saddlebag…and uh…Pa, you
ain’t gonna believe this…it…it…uh…right dead center…it hit…the watch.” Joe closed his eyes as he said the final few
words. He was quick to add, “But Chub’s okay,
“You shot the watch?! Why?
You thought it was going to hurt you?!
I can’t believe this!” Ben was beyond
anger as he slammed his fist down on the table.
Adam sat looking on, seeing
the humor in the whole ordeal. He dared
not say anything, though, knowing it would not help the situation.
“Uh, no, ‘member I told
ya…? Hoss was stuck…He needed to get
me…so I could help him….’Member his foot?
Hoss’s foot?” As Joe spoke
his voice became softer and softer. He
knew he was going to receive further yelling and he kicked Hoss under the
table.
Hoss jumped at the blow, but
kept his eyes diverted. He prayed over
and over in his head, Don’t let Pa kill us. Please, God!
Don’t let Pa kill us.
The explosion was
enormous. “THAT’S IT! I have had it with you two buffoons! It is very hard to believe I’m your father
right now! As a matter of fact I’d be
relieved if someone else claimed you!
You two have managed to make my life miserable, ruin a gift to, of all
people, the President of the
“I tell you what, though:
you two are riding into town with me.
You will march into the Chamber of Commerce office and you will explain
what you’ve done! All of it! You will pay not only for the old watch, but
the new watch as well! Do I make myself clear?!”
“Pay?” Joe timidly questioned,
realizing too late that it was a foolish thing to say.
“You have a problem with
that, young man?!”
“Uh, no, sir…um…how much was
the watch?”
“I don’t care how much it
was, you WILL pay for it! Every
penny! Now I suggest you both get ready
to ride to town!”
Hoss and Joe dejectedly
stood and walked to the front door.
Joe’s thoughts were on the loss of money and trying to figure out how it
all went so wrong. Hoss’s
thoughts were on how angry his father was and how he had been unable to indulge
in a decent breakfast.
The ride to town was a sober
one, as Joe and Hoss focused on the ground in front of their horses and Ben
tried to focus on resisting the urge to throttle his boys. He was still showing the effects of his
tangle with the poison ivy plant and the ferocious bee, but he knew he had to
accompany his sons if they were ever going to complete the now utterly
disastrous mission. Adam had made the
excuse he had business in town as well, so as to travel with the family and
watch how the rest of the ordeal played out.
The Cartwrights
rode into
Tobias O’Doole
was working over his desk when he looked up to see Ben Cartwright and his sons
enter. He was taken aback by the smell
that traveled with them and found himself quickly breathing
from his mouth. “Benjamin, what brings
you here?” the man asked as he extended his hand out to Ben and nodded to his
sons.
“My sons are here to tell
you something. Go ahead, boys, tell Mr. O’Doole what you have done.”
Joe and Hoss shuffled their feet
and looked at the ground. Hoss swallowed
hard and held up the saddlebag in his hands.
His younger brother, in almost ceremonial fashion, reached in and took
out the contents, handed them to the man and said very quietly, “It was a bad
thing we did. A very
bad thing.”
The man looked confused as
he took the proffered item. He saw sand
begin to fall from it, then his eyes fell on a hole in
the center of the package. Slowly he
opened and unwrapped the specimen, pulling away the
outer brown paper and string. The wooden
box that held the gift for the President lay crushed in the paper. That was not the greatest abomination,
however. As the man reverently lifted
the silver watch and held it up to the two Cartwright brothers, he looked at
them through the bullet hole - and was at a complete loss for words. They had shot the town’s gift. But why? What had it done to them?
Hoss and Joe winced as the
man stared at them. They had no
excuse…well, none that made a lick of sense.
“We’re right sorry ‘bout the watch, Mr. O’Doole,
and we’ll pay for it, every penny,” Hoss said as he looked at his father. Ben nodded for him to say more and Hoss
continued, “And we’ll pay for a new one.
Won’t we, Joe?”
Joe saw hours of labor ahead
of him as he concurred. “Uh…how much we
owe?”
“The watch was of Comstock
Lode Silver, commissioned specially. It
cost the town $200 between the silver and the workmanship.” Mr. O’Doole was in
shock. Why shoot a watch?
“My sons will head to the
bank and have $400 to you this afternoon.
Won’t you, boys?” Ben held each
son by the back of the hair, making them stand up straight as he gave a yank.
Joe thought, Why didn’t Hoss listen to my plan yesterday? I still say we shoulda
gone ahead an’ put that box on the stage.
Let the President believed it got shot in some holdup. Give him somethin’ ta talk about…Four hundred
dollars! My back hurts jus’ thinkin’ ‘bout the work Pa’s gonna give us. He said, “Yes, sir. You’ll have your money.”
Hoss mumbled a similar
response and the two looked back down at the ground. Mr. O’Doole could
only accept the money offered - as he thanked God he had no children of his
own!
The Cartwrights
left the Chamber of Commerce office, two members of the family having sad,
dejected looks. As they made their way
down the sidewalk no one spoke. Several
women walked by and all three Cartwright brothers smiled and watched them. However, the women quickly covered their
noses with hankies as soon as they caught a whiff of Ben. The eldest Cartwright held his head high,
pretending the stench came from elsewhere, but he was secretly longing to ride
out to the shelter of his home, vowing he would not return until his wounds had
healed.
The four men went to the
bank, but only Hoss and Joe entered. As
they stood in line for the teller, Hoss leaned over and spoke. “This is all your
fault, Joseph. Ever’ bit a it!”
“My
fault?!” Joe’s voice rose an
octave. “As I recall, I didn’t shoot a defenseless watch! Oh, this is just great Hoss! Just great!
See if I ever include you
again! From now on we’re brothers, nothin’ more!”
“Fine with me, you two bit
conniving gofer snake! I’ll never trust
you again!”
“Oh, yeah! Well, see that you never ask to be a part of one of my plans again! And that reminds me - where’s my squirrel
gun, anyway, you thief?! You’ve had it goin’ on two months!
Give it back, if ya know what’s good for you!”
“You’ll get your sorry ol’ gun back!” Hoss
glared. “And give me back my good
rope. You’re always stealin’
my stuff!”
“I ain’t
got your dumb ol’ rope and if I did…” Joe’s last
insult was interrupted by a pretty blonde teller. “May I help you?”
“Uh…yeah.” Joe’s eyes caught hold of the teller. Gone was the angry brother and in his place
was the smooth talking man about town.
“I need to make a withdrawal. I
bet you could help me.”
The pretty girl and Joe
stood flirting while the rest of the bank waited. Finally, the teller handed him the money,
their hands touching for a brief moment.
Joe gave a smile and a wink and then turned and swaggered out. It was only when Joe was out of the bank that
his stomach knotted. He had had to take
his half of the money owed from his special fund…the secret stash he used to
woo with. He was now flat broke.
Hoss had watched his brother
operate and rolled his eyes. Joe’s
behavior was a disgusting display. The
big man moved up to the teller and smiled brightly. He felt shy and it was hard to look her in
the eye, but he did - and she smiled at him.
As he conducted his business, the teller responded sweetly, and she gave
him a pat on the hand when she gave him the money. Hoss left the bank walking tall. Joseph wasn’t the only man in the Cartwright
family who could woo a woman.
Hoss joined the rest of his
family outside and they traveled further down the sidewalk. Suddenly, Ben remembered something he needed
to do and said, “Boys, while I’m here I need to go see the attorney a
moment. Adam, come with me, please. You two…do I need to tie you to a hitching
post?”
The two just shook their
heads and diverted their eyes as Ben stood staring at them for a moment. He finally turned away from them and moved
across the street, Adam alongside. From
there they moved into the attorney’s office and out of sight. The two youngest Cartwrights watched as the
two oldest ones departed. Joe took up a
position leaning with his hip on the hitching post, while Hoss stood arms
crossed, determined not to look at his little brother. There was tension in the air as the brothers
waited.
Joe’s eyes were traveling
the street, watching nothing in particular, when all of a sudden he saw the old
man. He had a rope and was sneaking
around, his actions suspicious. Joe
instinctively slapped his brother and pointed.
Hoss watched as well, still feeling the sting of dwindled savings. The two looked at each other and their
thoughts were the same: $200!
Joe and Hoss crept across
the street after their prey, staying in shadows and behind posts as they
moved. What they did not know was that
Adam had been watching them and saw the mysterious antics of his brothers. He moved across to his father and whispered
something into his ear. Ben perked up
and concluded his business. He would
catch the boys red-handed. Would they
never learn?
The scene was strange: the
old man was creeping down an alley shadowed by two young men; behind them two
others trailed, watching. The caravan
moved down the alley and then stopped, Joe and Hoss holding back. They heard a horse kicking against wood; the
fighting sounded fierce. The old man
pulled away from the noise and shook his head.
He held in his hand another metal shoe, several shredded pieces of
purple cloth and, the final piece of evidence, a fancy bit.
The old man looked at his
hands as if trying to convince himself that it would be worth risking life and
limb for the capture of the stallion. He
paused and waited, then shook his head.
He couldn’t do it. He threw down
the evidence along with his lariat and walked out of the alley.
Joe and Hoss exchanged
looks. It was now theirs to claim. The reward was theirs! They would be able to recoup half their
losses and for that each was more than willing to tangle with the Arabie stallion.
After all there were two of them.
How simply could you get?
Joe grabbed the rope and
gestured to Hoss to move to the other side of the alley. They would then close in around the corner
and the horse would soon be on the end of the rope. Joe and Hoss watched each other, working
together on timing. They watched each
other’s eyes and then nodded - it was time to grab the horse.
The two men rounded the
blind corner, Joe with the rope out and swinging and Hoss ready to make a
distraction, his arms high in the air.
All of a sudden Hoss’s arms fell and Joe’s
swinging of the rope stopped. Both men
stood frozen. They could not believe
their eyes. No! It couldn’t be! What the heck?
Ben and Adam stood looking
on when they saw the two youngest family members move from tense anticipation
to limp confusion.
Joe and Hoss stood shaking their heads from side to side and a cackle was
heard coming from nearby. Ben and Adam
moved in to see and the sight made them laugh.
There at the end of the alley stood…a jackass. It was dressed in a crown and covered with
purple cloth. Three men then emerged
from a doorway to the alley; their laughter was the cackling that had been
heard. Al and Double Del had finally
reaped their revenge. They could hardly
stand as laughter overwhelmed them. They
held out $200 to the third man there - the old-timer. He took the money and, through tears of laughter,
said, “I thank you, boys, indeed!”
Joe and Hoss knew
immediately they had been the subjects of a horrid practical joke. They consoled themselves quietly. “Ha, ha! Very funny!
I oughta pound you both!” Joe said, trying to
maintain control.
“Ah, ah, ah, Joseph, that
would not be good manners. Take your
lesson like a man,” Double Del taunted.
“Dadburn you both! Consarn it all!”
Hoss exclaimed. “Very
funny, fellas!
Come on,
“Think again, Hoss!” Al broke out laughing once more as he pointed
all around him.
Joe and Hoss looked at each
other, shaking their heads and fearing the truth. They slowly turned and saw a most terrible
sight: there were people in windows and doorways, hanging out and watching the
capture of the “stallion.” The laughter
was deafening as the town enjoyed the prank.
Soon money was being exchanged.
The bet had been who would win in the end - the ass or the asses.
What was worse, though, was
when Hoss’s and Joe’s eyes fell on their loved ones, the ones they had hoped had not witnessed their
shame. It was soon evident that all been
seen! There stood behind them their
father and older brother, shaking their heads and laughing hysterically. It was Joe’s and Hoss’s
fate to endure the ridicule.
Finally Ben spoke, though it
was hard through the laughter. He gave
his boys his final words of wisdom as he draped his arms around their
shoulders. Feeling relieved the ordeal
was now over and his sons could now focus on the ranch, he had to rub it in a
bit. The situation deserved it. Ben looked each boy in the eye, trying not to
laugh as he spoke. “If either of you
wanted to rope an ass, you could have simply roped each other!”
*