Riding
the train into
“Porter!”
A young man in a tan vest hastened to help the well-dressed couple. There was
no mistaking that these two came from money.
“We
have a reservation at the Majestic. Have the bags delivered there. Please.”
“Yessir, they should arrive within the hour. Can I get the
two of you a carriage?” Up close, the man looked tired and drawn. His clothes,
while well tailored, looked like they’d been made for a larger man.
The
bustling town provided all the entertainment they needed on their ride to the
hotel. Having a rail line had fueled growth to the point of frenzy. Looking up
into the mountains west of town, he was almost surprised to see any trees still
covering the slopes.
Like
so many of the buildings they passed, the Majestic was new. It was also grand,
but not stately, and it lacked the warmth of the older, less polished
International House. He’d chosen the hotel for exactly that reason, it’s
newness and anonymity. Building’s like people aged and developed personalities,
and changed with time and experience. This one was like a newborn infant.
Gleaming and unmarked, but still a mystery.
Glancing
at the nameplate in front of him, he addressed the man behind the desk “Mr.
Askins, you have a reservation for Stoddard I believe.” It had become a habit
over the years. The simple courtesy of addressing someone by name had often
earned him special consideration. The Desk Manager looked at him for a moment
and registered a brief flicker of recognition. “Yes Sir, a suite with two
bedrooms. Will that suit your needs?”
“Thank
you, our luggage will be arriving shortly. Please have it sent up. Oh, and I’ll
be needing to have two messages delivered later today, one will require a
rider. “
“Just
bring them to the desk sir and I’ll make the arrangements.” He signaled a
bellboy to carry the two carpetbags and escort the travelers to their room.
Stoddard
unpacked as soon as the luggage was delivered. When they were settled in, he
pulled two sheets of heavy rag stationary bearing the hotel name from the desk
and wrote two notes. The first was and brief and easy. The second was, if
anything, even shorter, but he lingered over it, fully aware that it would
wreak havoc in a great many lives.
Stopping
at the desk, on the way to supper, he delivered the notes to Dan Askins. The
first was addressed to a local freight company. Looking at the name on the
second one, he asked “Sir, this is fair way out, does it need to be delivered
tonight?”
“Yes,
it’s an invitation for lunch tomorrow.”
“Very
well, I’ll send a rider to the Ponderosa right away. Do you want him to wait
for an answer?”
“Thank
you, but no. It will be late and I imagine they’ll want some time to think
about whether to accept.”
Like
anyone else born and raised in
********************************************
The
sound of a rider coming into the yard at night usually meant an emergency. Ben
roused himself from the chair by the fire and thanked his lucky stars that both
his boys were safe at home. Expecting a neighbor, he was a bit surprised to
find a young man on his doorstep holding an envelope.
“Mr.
Cartwright, sir, I have a letter for you.”
“Thank
you son, but this could have waited until morning.”
“No
sir, the gentleman at the hotel said he wanted it delivered tonight.”
“Well
thank you son.” Ben reached in his pocket and pulled out a coin.
“Oh no
sir, I’ve already been well paid for the delivery. The gentleman said he knew
it was late.”
“Well,
take it anyway and buy your girl a present. And be careful riding back.”
The
sound of the visitor had roused Hoss from his room. “What is it Pa?”
“A
messenger from the Majestic, with a letter.”
He
turned the envelope over and caught his breath. “Come look at this Hoss.”
The
script was bold and distinguished, and very recognizable.
“Open
it
###
Dear
Father,
I
hope you’ll pardon the lateness of the hour, I’ve only just arrived in town
today. If you can see your way to doing it, I would very much like to have
lunch with you at the hotel tomorrow. Would
###
Hoss
finally broke the silence.
“Are
you going?”
“Yes.”
“Telling
Joe?”
“No.”
“Not
until you know what he wants.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Yes.”
The
calculating nature of the words and what they implied did little to hide the
pain in both men’s eyes. Adam Cartwright had ridden out of their lives without
so much as a goodbye seven years before. Now it would seem that the oldest
Cartwright boy had found a reason to return home.
But
what was it?
********************************************
Adam
Cartwright let the nurse into the suite and explained what was required of her.
Rosie was asleep and would likely stay that way. She’d come down sick on the
ride there and the doctor had prescribed rest. If she were to wake, there was
medicine on the nightstand for her. He would be downstairs in the dining room
if he was needed.
As
he headed down the stairs, he wondered what changes seven years would have
written. Certainly Pa would be older. He wondered if Joe or Hoss would come?
Joe would have changed the most. He’d been what, 13 when Adam had last seen
him. Now he would be a young man of 20.
He
looked across the lobby from the bar, and saw his father walk in, alone. He was
surprised to find sadness and joy running through him at the same time. Simply
seeing his father brought a wave of love that he had thought was long since
muted.
Of
course his brothers wouldn’t have come. He and Ben were a lot alike, he knew
that Ben wouldn’t want them walking into this unprepared. He’d want to find out
what was happening first. It was a little unnerving to find out that he and
this man that he’d battled with for years thought so much alike. Of course,
that was why he hadn’t invited all three of them. He needed to know what he was
walking into, whether or not he should plan on asking the favor that had
brought him from
Ben
would be chagrined to find out Adam had been in
Seven
years ago, just after the fall roundup and drive, he had simply ridden into
town one day and never come home. He’d taken the train back east to
In
Boston Adam had discovered a kinship and comfort with the old man that he’d
never had with his father. Emanuel said it was because he and Pa were so much
alike. Over almost four years of schooling he’d come to love and admire his
grandfather. It had never been lost on Adam that despite his modest means,
Emanuel had maintained friendships with men who had gone on to become the
barons of the shipping trade. And it never failed to amaze him when he’d walk
in to find Grandpa playing chess with men who could buy and sell an entire
fleet of ships on a whim.
Emanuel
died two months before Adam finished school. It saddened him immeasurably that
his grandfather wasn’t there to see Adam accomplish what he’d set out to do,
become an Engineer and Architect. Even though it presented rich opportunities
for him to use his education, without Emanuel,
Two
years later, it was Emanuel’s bequest to him that drew him to back to
********************************************
“Adam.”
His
father’s voice snapped him out of his reverie.
Quickly
standing he apologized for his woolgathering, and held out his hand. ‘I’m sorry
Father, I was thinking about Grandpa Stoddard.”
The
moment could have been awkward; neither man knew the emotional landscape they
were crossing. Ben took Adam’s hand, even though he longed to simply hug the
man. He was appalled at how Adam looked, but he controlled his face. His son
was well dressed but haggard, and thin, painfully thin compared to the Adam
that he remembered.
“Please,
sit down. Your looking well Father, seems like you hardly ever age.”
“You
too Adam.”
“Oh
there’s no need to be polite, I know I look like hell.” A self-deprecating
smile played at his mouth.
“Tell
me about the Ponderosa, and Joe and Hoss.”
They
spent an enjoyable hour of fine food and wine, though Adam’s lack of appetite
wasn’t lost on Ben. Whenever the conversation would lag or seem to be edging
around to what Adam had been doing the last few years, the younger man would
ask a question that would give Ben more fodder for his tales of the ranch and
its goings on. The stories occasionally brought a hint of a smile to his son’s
face. And more than once the boy, no he was a man now, Ben reminded himself,
seemed to be off in his own world. Of course Ben knew what was going on, but he
was loath to push things beyond polite. Adam had always been someone who got to
what was important in his own time. Trying to push him any faster only resulted
in delay, or worse, conflict. But where his eyes had been closed and cautious
before, now they were simply sad.
With
coffee and brandy finished, it was time to say goodbye. Adam smoothed over the
potentially awkward moment by asking if Ben would join him again tomorrow, and
perhaps bring Joe and Hoss, if they were of a mind to visit.
********************************************
Hoss
rode in early from the range to hear what his father had to say.
“It’s
him, but not him.”
“Whadda
you mean Pa?”
He
tried to explain, but all that he could come up with was “He looks like someone
who used to be Adam but isn’t any more.”
“What
does he want?”
“I don’t
know. It was all very civil, but just catching up on the Ponderosa and you
boys. He wants all three of us to come to lunch tomorrow. ”
The
next day Ben, Joe and Hoss stalked out of the Majestic grim faced and silent.
Joe opened his mouth to speak, but Hoss shook his head. They’d waited a
half-hour for Adam, but he’d d stood them up.
Joe
was seething and it took all Hoss’ quiet strength to keep his brother from
storming up to Adam’s room. “Not now little brother.” He whispered, glancing at
his father’s back. “Later, we’ll both go.”
On
the road home, Ben Cartwright was angry with himself. He’s allowed himself to
hope and here he was hurt again. It was just too much to bear. He dried quietly
as they rode back to the ranch, thankful that his two younger sons were willing
to leave him to suffer his disappointment in private.
Ben
disappeared into his study asking not to be disturbed. Hoss and Joe told
HopSing what had happened/
“Something
not right. Mr. Adam not do that.”
“He
already did once Hop Sing. Why not twice?” Joe’s could show his fury in front
of the man who had been with them for his whole life.
“It
no make sense. Why he come back if not for family.”
“Were
going to find out.” Hoss’ quiet statement brooked no argument.
“You
go talk to him. I take care of Mr. Ben.”
Not
three hours after they had left the boys were back. Joe’s anger was still
barely in check, so it was up to Hoss to wheedle Adam’s room number out of the
front desk. He was about to give up when Doc Martin walked through the lobby,
saw the brothers and exploded.
“Well
it’s about damn time someone from the family showed up. We’re you going to wait
until she died?
Come with me!”
Paul
rushed away, leaving them no choice but to follow him up the stairs. Outside
room 316 he turned, his fury barely contained, and laid into them.
“You’ll
be quiet, you’ll make no noise. You’re here to support your brother and that’s
it. If you can’t do that, then get the hell out of here. You understand?”
“NO!
We don’t!” Hoss bellowed, finally getting the doctor’s attention.
“SHHH!
I said quiet!”
Even
at a whisper the anger in Joe’s voice was tangible. “Paul all we know is Adam
asked us here to lunch at
The
doctor swore under his breath. He’d left a message for them in Adam’s box, but
they’d never gotten it. Probably never thought to check at the desk. “Adam’s
daughter Rose is very sick. He’s been sitting with her since yesterday afternoon.
Right now I don’t know if she’ll make it.”
Finger
to his lips, he opened the door to reveal Adam Cartwright rocking the sick girl
singing to her. Even flushed with fever she was beautiful, dark-haired and
olive skinned, with an angel’s face. She couldn’t have been more than three.
Adam turned to the noise but didn’t register the two newcomers. Exhaustion had
forced him to narrow his attention to only what he knew he needed to do.
In
one of those moments where time loses it’s orderliness, both men were
transported back to their childhood, to the innumerable times that they were
the child in Adam’s arms. It was the same voice, the same song, and the same
look of worry that he wouldn’t be able to make everything all right.
“Joe,
go get Pa. Now.”
“Let
me send a note with you Joe.” Paul hastily scribbled a description of the
girl’s condition for Joe to pass on to his father.”
“How
long has he been like this Doc?”
“He’s
been sitting there since yesterday afternoon. Holding her is the only thing
that quiets her and he won’t let anyone else do it. Hoss, he desperately needs
some rest. From the looks of things he’s not all that well himself.”
“Adam.
Adam!”
Adam
heard his name being called. The voice was one he knew but he couldn’t quite place
it. He tried to ignore it, sitting with his eyes closed and murmuring softly
into his Rosie’s ear “Papa’s here for you honey, don’t leave me.”
Hoss
finally resorted to hunkering down in front of his older brother, taking Adam’s
face in his hands and gently shaking it until he had no choice but to focus on
whoever was trying to tear him away from his daughter. “Leave me alone!”
“Adam,
Adam, it’s me, Hoss.”
“Hoss?
Hoss.” He smiled ever so slightly at his brother’s broad serious face. In the
depth of his weariness, it never occurred to him to wonder how his middle
brother came to be there. “Hoss, what am I going to do if she dies?”
“She
won’t Adam, we won’t let her. Here, let me take her for a while.”
Adam
handed the limp child to his younger brother and tried to stand. Fortunately
Paul Martin had seen it coming and moved to guide him down onto the bed when
his legs gave out.
It
was a measure of Adam’s exhaustion that he slept soundly for nearly a day.
Finally though, his body demanded that he wake so he slowly rose to
consciousness. Those few brief seconds before he was completely awake were the
only time he was ever free from the consequences of his choices.
With
a start he realized that the bed next to him was empty, and then the memories
came crashing back. Where was Rosie? What was he doing in bed?
********************************************
“So you think it would be safe to move them to
the ranch?”
“I
think so Ben, but only if Adam wants it. I don’t think he has a lot reserves
right now and fight with you isn’t what he needs.”
Ben
was silent as he considered the doctor’s words. The child in his lap snuggled
down deeper and slept on, oblivious to the conversation about her future.
“What
do you think is wrong with Adam?”
Paul
eyed Ben and decided that this time, less information was better than more.
“I’m not sure. I don’t want to speculate until I can get a chance to examine
him. If he’ll let me.” Once again, they lapsed into silence, only to be
startled from their thoughts by the sound of Adam crying out “Rosie!
Rosieeeeee!”
Rushing
into the room they found him leaning against the bedpost, barely able to stand.
“Adam,
she’ right here. She’s fine.”
“Oh
God, I thought….”
“I’m
sorry son, I should have made sure you weren’t alone when you woke. He handed
the girl to her father who wrapped her in a desperate embrace.
“
Minutes
later, after a cursory exam by doctor, Ben and Adam were alone.
“I’d
like to bring you two out to stay at the ranch.”
It
was contact far beyond what he had wanted, but Rosie had clearly taken to her
Grandpa. There weren’t too many people who she would let hold her, let alone
trust enough to fall asleep in their arms.
“Okay.”
********************************************
Seeing
the ranch house again elicited such strong emotions that Adam couldn’t trust
himself to speak or move. Sensing that he needed time, Ben, Joe and Hoss went
about unloading their baggage and carrying it up to the guestroom.
“I’m
sorry Adam, but, well, Pa gave Jenny and me your old room.”
“No one
I’d rather give it up for brother. When will I get to meet her?”
“Soon,
she’s off helpin’ one of the neighbors with a new baby.” Hoss colored a little
and added “ We ain’t told anyone yet, but we’re expecting our own.”
Adam
saw the joy and excitement in the big man’s face. It made his heart skip a beat
to see him so happy. He sent a mental prayer skyward and simply said
“Congratulations Hoss, I know you’ll make a great father.”
“You
done good with Rosie. She’s a real sweet little girl. Where’s her Ma, Adam?”
“She
is, isn’t she? Was from the day she was born. But watch out, once she’s better
she’ll pester you with questions from sun up to sundown.”
“Sounds
like Little Joe when he was a kid.”
“Guess
it does at that.”
Adam
knew that eventually he’d have to answer Hoss’s other question, but not now.
“The
house hasn’t changed much.”
“Well,
you know Pa, He likes things they way they are, the way he’s comfortable with.”
“Think
Rosie and I’ll rest for a bit if you don’t mind.”
“Sure,
HopSing’s makin’ a special dinner to celebrate y’all comin’ home. I expect
you’d better be ready to eat a lot.”
“Well,
some things never change, do they?”
Adam
sat on the bed in the guestroom and reflected on just how much things do
change. He’d spent a few minutes ambling around the downstairs and discovered
one big change. With few exceptions, there was no sign that Adam Cartwright had
ever lived in the house.
His
favorite books, the models that he had spent so many painstaking hours creating
from tiny pieces of wood, even the photos that Ben had taken to commissioning
every year. Everything was gone. The
pictures didn’t hurt that much, but the books and models, they were so much of
who he was. He’s lived through books and used his skills at woodworking and
design to create fantastic buildings, castles from Robin Hood and King Arthur,
the Roman Coliseum, the pyramids. Later, after he’d come back home to work the
ranch, he’s gone back to model-making, only this time it was his ideas for the
Ponderosa that took shape in miniature.
Well,
what did he expect? They’d moved on. It was what he had wanted all that long
time ago. It was what he wanted now.
********************************************
Joe
was avoiding him. It was, he thought, probably for the best. Of all the family
members, Joe had suffered his absences the worst. He’d been young the first
time Adam had left, and the sense of abandonment coming so close on Marie’s
death had driven a wedge between them that returning home had only aggravated.
Luckily,
Joe wasn’t including his daughter in the shunning. As quickly as she’d embraced
Hoss’ gentle strength and love, she’d also found Joe’s love of life a
compliment to her own spark and fire. As the days passed and she grew stronger,
Joe could be seen entertaining the little girl with games of tag and catch me
if you can. Her peals of laughter lightened the air on the ranch that had gone
so many years without a child in residence. He was glad of it; she was going to
need him.
For
Joe’s part, he wanted to reach out but, well, he just couldn’t trust Adam any
more. He’d been abandoned twice by the brother he still adored and respected;
feelings that he held even though he couldn’t understand why Adam had always
been so serious, so incapable of simply relaxing and enjoying life.
And
there was the whiskey. More than once he’d seen Adam retire to his and Rosie’s
room and come out later, with an artificial calm and the hint of whiskey
hanging around him. He’d wanted to mention it to Pa and Hoss, but was afraid
they’d just write it off to his anger and resentment for the years of
abandonment. Had he been thinking more clearly, he might have realized that he
wasn’t the only one who’d noticed.
Ben
had slowly come to realize that Paul Martin’s reticence at the hotel had been
born of his suspicion that Adam was drinking constantly. Alcohol dulled the
pain, God knows, Ben was aware just how much. But he also knew that all it did
was put off the inevitable, or kill you.
********************************************
Joe
was puzzled at what he was seeing. It was Adam in the barn, saddling one of the
cow ponies.
“Going
for a ride this early?”
“Yeah.”
“When
will you be back?”
Adam
sidestepped the question.“ I have something I need you to give to Pa for me.
Make sure he gets it early, would you? There’ll be a freight wagon arriving out
here today and he needs to read this before it gets here.”
“What’s
going on Adam? You give him the letter.”
“No,
it’s best if you do.”
Suddenly
it came to Joe, The saddlebags, the bedroll sitting on the tack box. Adam was
leaving again. After seven years of wondering what had driven him away,
wondering even if he were dead or alive, he was leaving again. And he was
leaving Rosie behind.
“Adam,
you can’t do this to Pa, not again.”
“I
never said I was here to stay Joe. It’s best this way.”
“How
can you that. You have no idea what he went through.”
“I
think I do Joe, I know what it’s like to lose family.”
“You
think that it hurts as much to be the one who walks away? At least you knew
why. We still don’t!”
“I’m
sorry Joe, I know I hurt you then and I’m doing it again. I’d do anything not
to, but it’s better this way.”
“Then
stay!”
“I
can’t.”
Joe
grabbed Adam to keep him from leading the horse outside. That was when he
realized Adam had been drinking already that day.”
“You
can’t stop me Joe, I have one last goodbye to say and then I’ll be out of your
lives for good.
“Adam,
I won’t let you!”
Joe
grabbed for him on last time and Adam swung. The punch was enough to leave the
younger man groggy but unhurt.
“I’m
sorry Joe.”
“Pa!!!!
The pounding on Ben’s door woke him with a start. Joe flung the door open and rushed in.
“Adam’s
leaving! He just decked me and rode out. He’s been drinking. And he left Rosie
behind.”
It
was that last statement that caused a stab of pure panic in his heart.
“Get
Hoss!
“I
think you’d better read this.” Joe held out the letter that Adam had given him.
“What
is it?”
“He
said it would explain everything. Said you needed to read it before a freight
wagon arrived today.”
####
Dear
Pa,
I’m
sorry to do this to you again, but I promise it will be for the last time. I’ll
leave you and your family in peace. You
deserve that after all I’ve done to you.
I know
I have no right to, but I have two favors to ask.
Please
take care of Rosie. She deserves a better father than I can be to her. I think
that you, Joe and Hoss can give her what I’ll never be able to. In the short
time we’ve been here I can see that loves the Ponderosa and her Grandpa and
Uncles. Perhaps Hoss and Jenny can take her on as their own, though I know
that’s asking a lot with a child on the way.
The second favor is my original reason for making this trip.
I know I have no right to ask this, but I hope you can see past my actions to
grant it. Pa, would you please bury my wife and son with Marie? Angela finally taught me what you; Hoss and
Little Joe tried to for so many years. How enjoy life instead of worrying about
all the “What ifs”. Ben, well, he wasn’t
with me for long, but I loved him with all my heart.
I’ve
arranged for a freight wagon to bring them to the Ponderosa today.
I
love you.
Goodbye,
Adam
####
All
Ben could do was whisper “Oh Adam, son.”
Joe
and Hoss were scared by the look of raw pain on their father’s face. He handed
Hoss the letter, and stared blankly at the papers that Adam had placed in the
envelope with them. Finally his eyes focused on what was in front of him. It
was a birth certificate for Benjamin Joseph Cartwright. The boy had been born
six months before. Below it were two death certificates. Angela Cartwright had died in childbirth and
her son had died two days later. The letter woke memories that he’d long buried
and had hoped never to relive. All of his wives’ deaths had affected him
deeply, but Marie’s had been the hardest. He recognized his own long ago pain
in Adam’s and felt the need to help him through it.
“Pa,
we have to find him. He’s not just riding off. He’s riding off to die.”
“Hoss,
how do you know?! Adam couldn’t do that!”
“Yes
he could Joe. He’s lost his wife and son. Even more, I think he feels like he’s
lost everyone… them, us….and himself.”
“But
Pa, you survived when all our Ma’s died, Adam can too!”
“Joe,”
Ben’s eyes softened at the sight of his youngest son’s distraught face. Joe was
12 years Adam’s junior and had always been secure in the knowledge of his
family’s love and protection. “I lost three wives, but I never lost most of my
family, and never a child. Who knows how I would have reacted if that had
happened? You don’t remember much when Marie died, but I was very close to
where Adam is now.”
The
thought that his father, a man who seemed to epitomize personal strength, could
ever have considered death as desirable was a concept that shook Joe to his
core.
“So
where do we begin to look for him Pa?
“I
don’t know Hoss.”
“Pa,
before he rode off he said he has one more goodbye to say. I think he went to
Ma’s grave.”
********************************************
Joe’s
hunch was right. It was clear Adam had been there not long before. The leaves had been cleared and dying flowers
removed. She was the only mother he’d known and he cherished the memories of
her warmth and joyful approach to the world. He’d often tended her grave in the
years after she died.
“Joe,
Hoss, see if you can pick up his tracks.”
It
only took a few minutes to determine that Adam had headed back out to the road.
There would be no way to tell his tracks from all the others.
“Damn
him, he knows us too well.”
“But
we know him too. Hoss, Joe, think back to when you were boys. Where would he go if he didn’t want to be
found?”
“Into
the hills.”
“Then
that’s where we look.”
It
was late afternoon when Ben and the boys cross the high meadow. Curly and Zeb, two hands were mending fences. “Hey boss, you come to
check on the fence?”
“No,
we’re looking for Adam.”
Don’t
know if it was your son, but Curly and me saw a rider heading up into
“Pa,
it’s getting to dark, we need to make camp.”
“ I
know….”
“We’ll
find him,
“But
will we be in time?”
The
three men used the last of the light to set up camp and fix their dinner.
Sitting beside the campfire, Hoss looked up into the night sky and started
pointing out the constellations. Adam had taught him the names and the myths
that went with them when they camped as boys. Tonight naming the Gods of
Olympus gave him no pleasure and he dropped his eyes to stare at the hills. A
flicker of light halfway up the slope caught his attention. It was barely
visible, but still it was there.
“Pa!
Joe! He’s there!”
They
approached on foot. A drunken man with a gun was unpredictable and they knew
that Adam wouldn’t welcome their interference. From outside the ring of light
the three men watched as Adam, seated on a log by the fire, spun the cylinder
of his gun, held the barrel to his head and pulled the trigger before they
could react. Nothing happened. He reached down and pulled another slug of
whiskey from the bottle that had been sitting by his foot. The contents of the
bottle spilled over, soaking his pants leg.
“Hunh, now I get lucky. Lord has a wicked sense of humor.”
Panicked
and desperate to stop him before he tried again, Ben stepped into the light.
“Adam,
what are you doing.” His brothers appeared right after their father.
“Whas it look like. You come to watch?” The cylinder spun.
“No,
I came to bring you home.”
“I
got no home. No home, no family, no Angela, no Ben….”
“What
about Rosie.”
Adam’s
face softened at her name. “She’s a good girl Pa, beautiful and smart and happy
like her Mama. Take good care of her for me.”
“No.”
“Whadda
yuh mean?”
“No,
I won’t. She’s your child, your responsibility.”
“She’s
better off without me.”
“How
can you say that? You know what it’s like to grow up with out a mother. She’ll
grow up without either parent.”
“She’ll
have all of you.” Adam attempted to stand, but the whiskey had robbed him of
his natural grace. He squeezed the trigger accidentally and the kick of the gun
caused him to lose what balance he had. He hit ground hard, with one leg in the
campfire.
Alcohol
soaked cloth erupted into flames and Adam screamed. The three men rushed
forward and dragged him, writhing from the flames. Hoss smothered the burning
pants with his jacket while Ben and Joe ran for water and anything that would
make a bandage.
********************************************
Drifting
in and out of consciousness, the next few days were a blur. Doc Martin had been
less worried about the burn on Adam’s leg than he was about the withdrawal from
alcohol.
“He’s
been drinking for a long time Ben. It’s gonna be rough and unpleasant, and if
he doesn’t want to stay sober, it’s going to be for nothing.”
“Do
you think he’s a drunk?”
“No,
I just think he’s lost so much he doesn’t want to live anymore.”
“I
know.”
Ben
Cartwright looked at his oldest son and wondered how he could have failed him
so. Well, one more chance was the least he owed the boy. So he sat with him, holding him through the
fever and chills and nausea. Through the begging to be left alone and the cries
for his dead wife and the pain of the dressing changes on the burn, and
finally, days later, through the nightmares that drinking had been dimming for
six months.
A
week after Adam had attempted suicide, he was physically on the mend. The leg
was healing nicely and the worst of the withdrawal was over. The hard work was
still ahead though. The only thing that broke through his indifference was
Rosie. When she entered the room his face lit up with a love that was painful
to see in contrast to the emptiness he felt most of the time.
“It’s
time to go to the cemetery Adam.”
“I’m
ready”
“Here,
let me help you.” Ben put an arm around the younger man’s waist and helped him
down the steps to the front porch and waiting carriage. He gave Adam one last
squeeze of affection before he let go.
“Pa,
thanks for honoring my request.”
“They’re
family, Adam.”
“Still,
you didn’t have to.”
“Yes
I did.”
“I’ll
be leaving once the doc says I’m okay to travel.”
Ben
had been expecting this. Nothing had really changed in the week since the
suicide attempt. If nothing did, then he knew it would only be a matter of
time.
“Adam,
why won’t you stay here with us?”
“I
can’t
“I
still don’t understand why you can’t stay.”
“I
couldn’t live here knowing how much I hurt you. And everyday I’d be a reminder
of the pain I caused. Can’t you see you’d come to resent me? Joe already does,
and you and Hoss won’t be far behind. You’ve moved on, put me behind you. I
look around the house and there’s not even a sign that I ever lived here in
this house, on this ranch. It’s best I leave it that way. ”
Ben
lapsed into silence as he waited for the preacher to ready his mount and head
out. Moments before Joe and Hoss mounted the buckboard, he suddenly jumped from
his seat and hastily admonished Adam to “Wait here.”
Joe
and Hoss had just finished hitching up the buckboard with the two coffins on
the bed. Hoss looked at the small white box that held his first nephew and
blinked away a tear. “Ain’t that about the saddest sight you ever seen?”
Joe
had been silent the whole time, not trusting his own ability to speak. He nodded
as the tears began to roll down his face.
“Hoss,
I told him he had no idea what it felt like for Pa to lose a son.”
“Joe,
you didn’t know. You were angry and hurt. He understands.”
“Joe…”
Ben had walked up behind them and laid his hand on his youngest son’s
shoulder. “Don’t blame yourself for not
being able to read minds.”
“I
need you boys to handle something for me after the cemetery.”
Once
he’d finished outlining his plan, he looked Hoss square in the eye and asked
him how Jenny would feel about it.
“She’ll
be fine
The
internment was brief and solemn. The family watched in silence as the two
coffins were lowered into the ground. No one had known Angela and Adam was only
able to speak a few words before his grief overcame him.
Ben
drove the carriage back along the road, but passed the turnoff to the house.
“Where
are we going?”
“You’ll
see. There’s something I want to show you.”
They
rode for a half-hour before turning off on a rougher track that looped around a
stand of trees. Coming out on the other side, Adam saw a stretch of high
pasture crisscrossed with deep ditches and each bounded by a sluice door. At
the far end of the field, furthest away from any obstructions, stood a windmill
slowly turning.
There
was a sudden intake of breath from the younger man. “You built it.”
“Well,
you left such detailed plans and the model, it wasn’t hard to do. We pump ground water most of the time, but
Hoss had the idea of adding a holding pond for winter runoff, for dry years. So
far this field produces twice the feed of any other on the ranch.”
The
look of excitement in Adam’s face was a joy for Ben to see. They drove up to
the windmill so that Adam could see his handiwork up close.
“Why?”
“Why
what?”
“Why
did you build it? You hated the idea.”
“I
know. In case you hadn’t noticed, you come by your stubbornness legitimately.”
A
faint smile played around Adam’s lips.
“After
you left, I was hurt and angry. Poor Joe and Hoss, what they had to put up
with. We finally packed up all your things because they bothered Joe so much.”
Adam looked down in shame and Ben plowed on before his son could sink any
further in guilt. “But finally I started to really think about why you would
want to go. After all, you chosen to come back home after college, so you must
have wanted to be here.”
“One day I went up to the storage room and
really took a good look everything. It was the only way I could think of to
feel close to you.”
“HopSing
was livid, I had trunks and crates strewn all over the floor.” They both
smiled, knowing exactly how the cook would have reacted.
“There
were all your models. The ones you’d so painstakingly built as a child. And
your notebooks. I started to leaf through them and suddenly I understood. Those
books were filled with dreams, ideas about how to improve the ranch, ideas
about new techniques and methods, improvements, changes, inventions. And in the
two years that you had been home from college, where you’d learned how to turn
your dreams into a reality I hadn’t allowed you to build one of them. Hadn’t
even been willing to consider any of them. I realized that I’d been incredibly
cruel, sending you away to learn to make your dreams come true and then
bringing you home and refusing to let you try.”
They
rode on for a while. Ben took Adam around the ranch, showing him how they’d
used his ideas here and there, and how they’d worked or had needed
modification. By the end of the afternoon Adam was exhausted but some of the
hopelessness seemed to have lifted from his shoulders.
Ben
helped him into the house and settled him on the sofa in front of the fire.
“Adam,
I’m sorry.”
“For
what Pa?”
“For
not seeing you for who you were, what you were offering, not listening to your
ideas and being open to them when I should have. And for not being there when
Angela and little Ben died.”
Adam
looked into the fire. “You have nothing to apologize for. I could have gotten
in contact long before now, before they died. I could have let you know you I
was okay, had found someone who helped me see the joy in life. You know, she
gave me the courage to take the risk Pa, even knowing how it hurt you so many
times. She was special. She’d even made me promise to come back here and bring
her to meet you all. She was determined that we would at least have one last
chance to talk.”
“Why
didn’t you?”
“Oh,
you know, life gets busy. We had Rosie and then she was pregnant again and I
was busy designing buildings, and….”
“What?”
“And
I couldn’t imagine you still having any love for me, not after I’d broken up
the family.”
“ Oh
son. How could you ever think I wouldn’t still love you?” Ben walked over from
where he’d been standing beside the fireplace, kneeled down and wrapped his son
in his arms. Adam intended only to hug his father back, but found himself
crying into Ben’s shoulder, letting out seven years of loneliness and loss.
Eventually
Adam’s grief was spent and two men sat side-by-side in companionable silence.
“So
why did you come back now?”
“Well,
you know me, I try to keep my promises.”
********************************************
“You’re
still not completely recovered, son. How about I help you upstairs for some
rest?”
“Thanks,
I could use it.”
When
he turned left to make his way to the guestroom, Ben stopped him.
“Not
there. Here.”
Adam
opened the door to his childhood room and stood still as a statue. Everything
was as it had been seven years before. Furniture, blankets, even his models and
notebooks. It was his room again; the one he’d left so long ago.
“Welcome home son.”
The End