Riding the train into Virginia City was a treat. The last time he’d been here the rail line had only been a dream. Glancing around the station though, he sighed. One looked just about like another.  Too bad cities didn’t understand that a station greeted you and set the tone for your visit. Stepping down out of the carriage, he turned to help his travelling companion negotiate the steps. It was just in time, a hand on her arm and waist provided some much-needed support on the steep incline.

“Porter!” A young man in a tan vest hastened to help the well-dressed couple. There was no mistaking that these two came from money.

“We have a reservation at the Majestic. Have the bags delivered there. Please.”

Yessir, they should arrive within the hour. Can I get the two of you a carriage?” Up close, the man looked tired and drawn. His clothes, while well tailored, looked like they’d been made for a larger man.

The bustling town provided all the entertainment they needed on their ride to the hotel. Having a rail line had fueled growth to the point of frenzy. Looking up into the mountains west of town, he was almost surprised to see any trees still covering the slopes. 

Like so many of the buildings they passed, the Majestic was new. It was also grand, but not stately, and it lacked the warmth of the older, less polished International House. He’d chosen the hotel for exactly that reason, it’s newness and anonymity. Building’s like people aged and developed personalities, and changed with time and experience. This one was like a newborn infant. Gleaming and unmarked, but still a mystery.

Glancing at the nameplate in front of him, he addressed the man behind the desk “Mr. Askins, you have a reservation for Stoddard I believe.” It had become a habit over the years. The simple courtesy of addressing someone by name had often earned him special consideration. The Desk Manager looked at him for a moment and registered a brief flicker of recognition. “Yes Sir, a suite with two bedrooms. Will that suit your needs?”

“Thank you, our luggage will be arriving shortly. Please have it sent up. Oh, and I’ll be needing to have two messages delivered later today, one will require a rider. “

“Just bring them to the desk sir and I’ll make the arrangements.” He signaled a bellboy to carry the two carpetbags and escort the travelers to their room.

Stoddard unpacked as soon as the luggage was delivered. When they were settled in, he pulled two sheets of heavy rag stationary bearing the hotel name from the desk and wrote two notes. The first was and brief and easy. The second was, if anything, even shorter, but he lingered over it, fully aware that it would wreak havoc in a great many lives.

Stopping at the desk, on the way to supper, he delivered the notes to Dan Askins. The first was addressed to a local freight company. Looking at the name on the second one, he asked “Sir, this is fair way out, does it need to be delivered tonight?”

“Yes, it’s an invitation for lunch tomorrow.”

“Very well, I’ll send a rider to the Ponderosa right away. Do you want him to wait for an answer?”

“Thank you, but no. It will be late and I imagine they’ll want some time to think about whether to accept.”

Like anyone else born and raised in Virginia City, knew the Cartwright clan by sight, and accepted that their adventures had become part of the town’s folklore.  Well, tomorrow was going to be another interesting day in the life of the colorful family.

 

********************************************

 

The sound of a rider coming into the yard at night usually meant an emergency. Ben roused himself from the chair by the fire and thanked his lucky stars that both his boys were safe at home. Expecting a neighbor, he was a bit surprised to find a young man on his doorstep holding an envelope.

“Mr. Cartwright, sir, I have a letter for you.”

“Thank you son, but this could have waited until morning.”

“No sir, the gentleman at the hotel said he wanted it delivered tonight.”

“Well thank you son.” Ben reached in his pocket and pulled out a coin.

“Oh no sir, I’ve already been well paid for the delivery. The gentleman said he knew it was late.”

“Well, take it anyway and buy your girl a present. And be careful riding back.”

The sound of the visitor had roused Hoss from his room. “What is it Pa?”

“A messenger from the Majestic, with a letter.”

He turned the envelope over and caught his breath. “Come look at this Hoss.”

The script was bold and distinguished, and very recognizable.

“Open it Pa.

 

###

Dear Father,

I hope you’ll pardon the lateness of the hour, I’ve only just arrived in town today. If you can see your way to doing it, I would very much like to have lunch with you at the hotel tomorrow. Would 11:30 be convenient?

 

Adam

###

 

Hoss finally broke the silence.

“Are you going?”

“Yes.”

“Telling Joe?”

“No.”

“Not until you know what he wants.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yes.”

The calculating nature of the words and what they implied did little to hide the pain in both men’s eyes. Adam Cartwright had ridden out of their lives without so much as a goodbye seven years before. Now it would seem that the oldest Cartwright boy had found a reason to return home.

 

But what was it?

 

********************************************

 

Adam Cartwright let the nurse into the suite and explained what was required of her. Rosie was asleep and would likely stay that way. She’d come down sick on the ride there and the doctor had prescribed rest. If she were to wake, there was medicine on the nightstand for her. He would be downstairs in the dining room if he was needed.

As he headed down the stairs, he wondered what changes seven years would have written. Certainly Pa would be older. He wondered if Joe or Hoss would come? Joe would have changed the most. He’d been what, 13 when Adam had last seen him. Now he would be a young man of 20.

He looked across the lobby from the bar, and saw his father walk in, alone. He was surprised to find sadness and joy running through him at the same time. Simply seeing his father brought a wave of love that he had thought was long since muted.

Of course his brothers wouldn’t have come. He and Ben were a lot alike, he knew that Ben wouldn’t want them walking into this unprepared. He’d want to find out what was happening first. It was a little unnerving to find out that he and this man that he’d battled with for years thought so much alike. Of course, that was why he hadn’t invited all three of them. He needed to know what he was walking into, whether or not he should plan on asking the favor that had brought him from New Orleans back to Nevada.

Ben would be chagrined to find out Adam had been in New Orleans for these last few years. That was where he’d met Marie, Joe’s mother, and the first woman that Adam had really been able to call mother for any length of time.  So far he’d lived on two to the cities where his father had met and married his wives. He wondered, idly, if there was any way to find the small town where Ingrid had nursed him back to health and fallen in love with Ben Cartwright.

Seven years ago, just after the fall roundup and drive, he had simply ridden into town one day and never come home. He’d taken the train back east to Boston, back to where he’d spent 4 years in college.  Captain Emanuel Stoddard, his maternal grandfather, had lived in Boston, so it seemed the natural choice for an 18-year-old Adam go there to complete his education. More than a dozen years later, he wondered if he’d already been planning his escape even then. After all, there were better schools closer to home.

In Boston Adam had discovered a kinship and comfort with the old man that he’d never had with his father. Emanuel said it was because he and Pa were so much alike. Over almost four years of schooling he’d come to love and admire his grandfather. It had never been lost on Adam that despite his modest means, Emanuel had maintained friendships with men who had gone on to become the barons of the shipping trade. And it never failed to amaze him when he’d walk in to find Grandpa playing chess with men who could buy and sell an entire fleet of ships on a whim.

Emanuel died two months before Adam finished school. It saddened him immeasurably that his grandfather wasn’t there to see Adam accomplish what he’d set out to do, become an Engineer and Architect. Even though it presented rich opportunities for him to use his education, without Emanuel, Boston lost its appeal. He settled the estate, packed his belongings, and moved back out West to rejoin the family.

Two years later, it was Emanuel’s bequest to him that drew him to back to Boston. Being the only heir, he had simply had the lawyers liquidate the estate and put the money in the bank for him. Unaware of his grandfather’s finances, he’d suddenly found himself to be modestly wealthy in his own right. Emanuel Stoddard had never sailed to get rich, it had just happened. He’d loved the ocean and the adventure. When he finally retired, he preferred to live among the folks that he knew, not in an isolated mansion in the Blue Blood part of town. His wealth, left unspent, had been Adam’s ticket to start anew life in New Orleans.

 

********************************************

 

 “Adam.”

His father’s voice snapped him out of his reverie.

Quickly standing he apologized for his woolgathering, and held out his hand. ‘I’m sorry Father, I was thinking about Grandpa Stoddard.”

The moment could have been awkward; neither man knew the emotional landscape they were crossing. Ben took Adam’s hand, even though he longed to simply hug the man. He was appalled at how Adam looked, but he controlled his face. His son was well dressed but haggard, and thin, painfully thin compared to the Adam that he remembered.

“Please, sit down. Your looking well Father, seems like you hardly ever age.”

“You too Adam.”

“Oh there’s no need to be polite, I know I look like hell.” A self-deprecating smile played at his mouth.

“Tell me about the Ponderosa, and Joe and Hoss.”

They spent an enjoyable hour of fine food and wine, though Adam’s lack of appetite wasn’t lost on Ben. Whenever the conversation would lag or seem to be edging around to what Adam had been doing the last few years, the younger man would ask a question that would give Ben more fodder for his tales of the ranch and its goings on. The stories occasionally brought a hint of a smile to his son’s face. And more than once the boy, no he was a man now, Ben reminded himself, seemed to be off in his own world. Of course Ben knew what was going on, but he was loath to push things beyond polite. Adam had always been someone who got to what was important in his own time. Trying to push him any faster only resulted in delay, or worse, conflict. But where his eyes had been closed and cautious before, now they were simply sad.

With coffee and brandy finished, it was time to say goodbye. Adam smoothed over the potentially awkward moment by asking if Ben would join him again tomorrow, and perhaps bring Joe and Hoss, if they were of a mind to visit.

 

 

********************************************

 

Hoss rode in early from the range to hear what his father had to say.

“It’s him, but not him.”

“Whadda you mean Pa?”

 

He tried to explain, but all that he could come up with was “He looks like someone who used to be Adam but isn’t any more.”

“What does he want?”

“I don’t know. It was all very civil, but just catching up on the Ponderosa and you boys. He wants all three of us to come to lunch tomorrow. ”

The next day Ben, Joe and Hoss stalked out of the Majestic grim faced and silent. Joe opened his mouth to speak, but Hoss shook his head. They’d waited a half-hour for Adam, but he’d d stood them up.

Joe was seething and it took all Hoss’ quiet strength to keep his brother from storming up to Adam’s room. “Not now little brother.” He whispered, glancing at his father’s back. “Later, we’ll both go.”

On the road home, Ben Cartwright was angry with himself. He’s allowed himself to hope and here he was hurt again. It was just too much to bear. He dried quietly as they rode back to the ranch, thankful that his two younger sons were willing to leave him to suffer his disappointment in private.

Ben disappeared into his study asking not to be disturbed. Hoss and Joe told HopSing what had happened/

“Something not right. Mr. Adam not do that.”

“He already did once Hop Sing. Why not twice?” Joe’s could show his fury in front of the man who had been with them for his whole life.

“It no make sense. Why he come back if not for family.”

“Were going to find out.” Hoss’ quiet statement brooked no argument.

“You go talk to him. I take care of Mr. Ben.”

Not three hours after they had left the boys were back. Joe’s anger was still barely in check, so it was up to Hoss to wheedle Adam’s room number out of the front desk. He was about to give up when Doc Martin walked through the lobby, saw the brothers and exploded.

“Well it’s about damn time someone from the family showed up. We’re you going to wait until she died?

 Come with me!”

Paul rushed away, leaving them no choice but to follow him up the stairs. Outside room 316 he turned, his fury barely contained, and laid into them.

“You’ll be quiet, you’ll make no noise. You’re here to support your brother and that’s it. If you can’t do that, then get the hell out of here. You understand?”

“NO! We don’t!” Hoss bellowed, finally getting the doctor’s attention.

“SHHH! I said quiet!”

Even at a whisper the anger in Joe’s voice was tangible. “Paul all we know is Adam asked us here to lunch at noon and never showed. Pa’s at home with his heart broken AGAIN and we’re here to settle this with Adam. Now tell him to get out here.”

The doctor swore under his breath. He’d left a message for them in Adam’s box, but they’d never gotten it. Probably never thought to check at the desk. “Adam’s daughter Rose is very sick. He’s been sitting with her since yesterday afternoon. Right now I don’t know if she’ll make it.”

Finger to his lips, he opened the door to reveal Adam Cartwright rocking the sick girl singing to her. Even flushed with fever she was beautiful, dark-haired and olive skinned, with an angel’s face. She couldn’t have been more than three. Adam turned to the noise but didn’t register the two newcomers. Exhaustion had forced him to narrow his attention to only what he knew he needed to do.

In one of those moments where time loses it’s orderliness, both men were transported back to their childhood, to the innumerable times that they were the child in Adam’s arms. It was the same voice, the same song, and the same look of worry that he wouldn’t be able to make everything all right.

“Joe, go get Pa. Now.”

“Let me send a note with you Joe.” Paul hastily scribbled a description of the girl’s condition for Joe to pass on to his father.”

“How long has he been like this Doc?”

“He’s been sitting there since yesterday afternoon. Holding her is the only thing that quiets her and he won’t let anyone else do it. Hoss, he desperately needs some rest. From the looks of things he’s not all that well himself.”

“Adam. Adam!”

Adam heard his name being called. The voice was one he knew but he couldn’t quite place it. He tried to ignore it, sitting with his eyes closed and murmuring softly into his Rosie’s ear “Papa’s here for you honey, don’t leave me.”

Hoss finally resorted to hunkering down in front of his older brother, taking Adam’s face in his hands and gently shaking it until he had no choice but to focus on whoever was trying to tear him away from his daughter. “Leave me alone!”

“Adam, Adam, it’s me, Hoss.”

“Hoss? Hoss.” He smiled ever so slightly at his brother’s broad serious face. In the depth of his weariness, it never occurred to him to wonder how his middle brother came to be there. “Hoss, what am I going to do if she dies?”

“She won’t Adam, we won’t let her. Here, let me take her for a while.”

Adam handed the limp child to his younger brother and tried to stand. Fortunately Paul Martin had seen it coming and moved to guide him down onto the bed when his legs gave out.

It was a measure of Adam’s exhaustion that he slept soundly for nearly a day. Finally though, his body demanded that he wake so he slowly rose to consciousness. Those few brief seconds before he was completely awake were the only time he was ever free from the consequences of his choices.

With a start he realized that the bed next to him was empty, and then the memories came crashing back. Where was Rosie? What was he doing in bed?

 

********************************************

 

 “So you think it would be safe to move them to the ranch?”

“I think so Ben, but only if Adam wants it. I don’t think he has a lot reserves right now and fight with you isn’t what he needs.”

Ben was silent as he considered the doctor’s words. The child in his lap snuggled down deeper and slept on, oblivious to the conversation about her future.

“What do you think is wrong with Adam?”

Paul eyed Ben and decided that this time, less information was better than more. “I’m not sure. I don’t want to speculate until I can get a chance to examine him. If he’ll let me.” Once again, they lapsed into silence, only to be startled from their thoughts by the sound of Adam crying out “Rosie! Rosieeeeee!”

Rushing into the room they found him leaning against the bedpost, barely able to stand.

“Adam, she’ right here. She’s fine.”

“Oh God, I thought….”

“I’m sorry son, I should have made sure you weren’t alone when you woke. He handed the girl to her father who wrapped her in a desperate embrace.

Thank you Pa.

Minutes later, after a cursory exam by doctor, Ben and Adam were alone.

“I’d like to bring you two out to stay at the ranch.”

It was contact far beyond what he had wanted, but Rosie had clearly taken to her Grandpa. There weren’t too many people who she would let hold her, let alone trust enough to fall asleep in their arms.

“Okay.”

 

********************************************

 

Seeing the ranch house again elicited such strong emotions that Adam couldn’t trust himself to speak or move. Sensing that he needed time, Ben, Joe and Hoss went about unloading their baggage and carrying it up to the guestroom.

“I’m sorry Adam, but, well, Pa gave Jenny and me your old room.”

“No one I’d rather give it up for brother. When will I get to meet her?”

“Soon, she’s off helpin’ one of the neighbors with a new baby.” Hoss colored a little and added “ We ain’t told anyone yet, but we’re expecting our own.”

Adam saw the joy and excitement in the big man’s face. It made his heart skip a beat to see him so happy. He sent a mental prayer skyward and simply said “Congratulations Hoss, I know you’ll make a great father.”

“You done good with Rosie. She’s a real sweet little girl. Where’s her Ma, Adam?”

“She is, isn’t she? Was from the day she was born. But watch out, once she’s better she’ll pester you with questions from sun up to sundown.”

“Sounds like Little Joe when he was a kid.”

“Guess it does at that.”

Adam knew that eventually he’d have to answer Hoss’s other question, but not now.

“The house hasn’t changed much.”

“Well, you know Pa, He likes things they way they are, the way he’s comfortable with.”

“Think Rosie and I’ll rest for a bit if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, HopSing’s makin’ a special dinner to celebrate y’all comin’ home. I expect you’d better be ready to eat a lot.”

“Well, some things never change, do they?”

Adam sat on the bed in the guestroom and reflected on just how much things do change. He’d spent a few minutes ambling around the downstairs and discovered one big change. With few exceptions, there was no sign that Adam Cartwright had ever lived in the house.

His favorite books, the models that he had spent so many painstaking hours creating from tiny pieces of wood, even the photos that Ben had taken to commissioning every year. Everything was gone.  The pictures didn’t hurt that much, but the books and models, they were so much of who he was. He’s lived through books and used his skills at woodworking and design to create fantastic buildings, castles from Robin Hood and King Arthur, the Roman Coliseum, the pyramids. Later, after he’d come back home to work the ranch, he’s gone back to model-making, only this time it was his ideas for the Ponderosa that took shape in miniature.

Well, what did he expect? They’d moved on. It was what he had wanted all that long time ago. It was what he wanted now.

 

********************************************

 

Joe was avoiding him. It was, he thought, probably for the best. Of all the family members, Joe had suffered his absences the worst. He’d been young the first time Adam had left, and the sense of abandonment coming so close on Marie’s death had driven a wedge between them that returning home had only aggravated.

Luckily, Joe wasn’t including his daughter in the shunning. As quickly as she’d embraced Hoss’ gentle strength and love, she’d also found Joe’s love of life a compliment to her own spark and fire. As the days passed and she grew stronger, Joe could be seen entertaining the little girl with games of tag and catch me if you can. Her peals of laughter lightened the air on the ranch that had gone so many years without a child in residence. He was glad of it; she was going to need him.

For Joe’s part, he wanted to reach out but, well, he just couldn’t trust Adam any more. He’d been abandoned twice by the brother he still adored and respected; feelings that he held even though he couldn’t understand why Adam had always been so serious, so incapable of simply relaxing and enjoying life.

And there was the whiskey. More than once he’d seen Adam retire to his and Rosie’s room and come out later, with an artificial calm and the hint of whiskey hanging around him. He’d wanted to mention it to Pa and Hoss, but was afraid they’d just write it off to his anger and resentment for the years of abandonment. Had he been thinking more clearly, he might have realized that he wasn’t the only one who’d noticed.

Ben had slowly come to realize that Paul Martin’s reticence at the hotel had been born of his suspicion that Adam was drinking constantly. Alcohol dulled the pain, God knows, Ben was aware just how much. But he also knew that all it did was put off the inevitable, or kill you.

 

********************************************

 

Joe was puzzled at what he was seeing. It was Adam in the barn, saddling one of the cow ponies.

“Going for a ride this early?”

“Yeah.”

“When will you be back?”

Adam sidestepped the question.“ I have something I need you to give to Pa for me. Make sure he gets it early, would you? There’ll be a freight wagon arriving out here today and he needs to read this before it gets here.”

“What’s going on Adam? You give him the letter.”

“No, it’s best if you do.”

Suddenly it came to Joe, The saddlebags, the bedroll sitting on the tack box. Adam was leaving again. After seven years of wondering what had driven him away, wondering even if he were dead or alive, he was leaving again. And he was leaving Rosie behind.

“Adam, you can’t do this to Pa, not again.”

“I never said I was here to stay Joe. It’s best this way.”

“How can you that. You have no idea what he went through.”

“I think I do Joe, I know what it’s like to lose family.”

“You think that it hurts as much to be the one who walks away? At least you knew why. We still don’t!”

“I’m sorry Joe, I know I hurt you then and I’m doing it again. I’d do anything not to, but it’s better this way.”

“Then stay!”

“I can’t.”

Joe grabbed Adam to keep him from leading the horse outside. That was when he realized Adam had been drinking already that day.”

“You can’t stop me Joe, I have one last goodbye to say and then I’ll be out of your lives for good.

“Adam, I won’t let you!”

Joe grabbed for him on last time and Adam swung. The punch was enough to leave the younger man groggy but unhurt.

“I’m sorry Joe.”

“Pa!!!! The pounding on Ben’s door woke him with a start.  Joe flung the door open and rushed in.

“Adam’s leaving! He just decked me and rode out. He’s been drinking. And he left Rosie behind.”

It was that last statement that caused a stab of pure panic in his heart.

“Get Hoss!

“I think you’d better read this.” Joe held out the letter that Adam had given him.

“What is it?”

“He said it would explain everything. Said you needed to read it before a freight wagon arrived today.”

 

####

 

Dear Pa,

I’m sorry to do this to you again, but I promise it will be for the last time. I’ll leave you and your family in peace.  You deserve that after all I’ve done to you.

 

I know I have no right to, but I have two favors to ask.

 

Please take care of Rosie. She deserves a better father than I can be to her. I think that you, Joe and Hoss can give her what I’ll never be able to. In the short time we’ve been here I can see that loves the Ponderosa and her Grandpa and Uncles. Perhaps Hoss and Jenny can take her on as their own, though I know that’s asking a lot with a child on the way.

 

The second favor is my original reason for making this trip. I know I have no right to ask this, but I hope you can see past my actions to grant it. Pa, would you please bury my wife and son with Marie?  Angela finally taught me what you; Hoss and Little Joe tried to for so many years. How enjoy life instead of worrying about all the “What ifs”.  Ben, well, he wasn’t with me for long, but I loved him with all my heart.

I’ve arranged for a freight wagon to bring them to the Ponderosa today.

 

I love you.

 

Goodbye,

 

Adam

 

####

 

All Ben could do was whisper “Oh Adam, son.”

Joe and Hoss were scared by the look of raw pain on their father’s face. He handed Hoss the letter, and stared blankly at the papers that Adam had placed in the envelope with them. Finally his eyes focused on what was in front of him. It was a birth certificate for Benjamin Joseph Cartwright. The boy had been born six months before. Below it were two death certificates.  Angela Cartwright had died in childbirth and her son had died two days later. The letter woke memories that he’d long buried and had hoped never to relive. All of his wives’ deaths had affected him deeply, but Marie’s had been the hardest. He recognized his own long ago pain in Adam’s and felt the need to help him through it.

“Pa, we have to find him. He’s not just riding off. He’s riding off to die.”

“Hoss, how do you know?! Adam couldn’t do that!”

“Yes he could Joe. He’s lost his wife and son. Even more, I think he feels like he’s lost everyone… them, us….and himself.”

“But Pa, you survived when all our Ma’s died, Adam can too!”

“Joe,” Ben’s eyes softened at the sight of his youngest son’s distraught face. Joe was 12 years Adam’s junior and had always been secure in the knowledge of his family’s love and protection. “I lost three wives, but I never lost most of my family, and never a child. Who knows how I would have reacted if that had happened? You don’t remember much when Marie died, but I was very close to where Adam is now.”

The thought that his father, a man who seemed to epitomize personal strength, could ever have considered death as desirable was a concept that shook Joe to his core.

“So where do we begin to look for him Pa?

“I don’t know Hoss.”

“Pa, before he rode off he said he has one more goodbye to say. I think he went to Ma’s grave.”

 

********************************************

 

Joe’s hunch was right. It was clear Adam had been there not long before.  The leaves had been cleared and dying flowers removed. She was the only mother he’d known and he cherished the memories of her warmth and joyful approach to the world. He’d often tended her grave in the years after she died.

“Joe, Hoss, see if you can pick up his tracks.”

It only took a few minutes to determine that Adam had headed back out to the road. There would be no way to tell his tracks from all the others.

“Damn him, he knows us too well.”

“But we know him too. Hoss, Joe, think back to when you were boys.  Where would he go if he didn’t want to be found?”

“Into the hills.”

“Then that’s where we look.”

It was late afternoon when Ben and the boys cross the high meadow. Curly and Zeb, two hands were mending fences. “Hey boss, you come to check on the fence?”

“No, we’re looking for Adam.”

Don’t know if it was your son, but Curly and me saw a rider heading up into Pine Valley. We figured you’d sent someone up lookinfer strays one last time.

Pine Valley had been one of Adam’s favorite spots on the ranch. He’d headed there by instinct, too drunk to decide on a direction. The visit with Marie had dredged up too many painful memories to bear, and he’d started on the first bottle of whiskey as he left the road. It was instinct, or maybe force of habit that had him start a fire as well. In the end it was what saved him.

“Pa, it’s getting to dark, we need to make camp.”

“ I know….”

“We’ll find him, Pa.

“But will we be in time?”

The three men used the last of the light to set up camp and fix their dinner. Sitting beside the campfire, Hoss looked up into the night sky and started pointing out the constellations. Adam had taught him the names and the myths that went with them when they camped as boys. Tonight naming the Gods of Olympus gave him no pleasure and he dropped his eyes to stare at the hills. A flicker of light halfway up the slope caught his attention. It was barely visible, but still it was there.

“Pa! Joe! He’s there!”

They approached on foot. A drunken man with a gun was unpredictable and they knew that Adam wouldn’t welcome their interference. From outside the ring of light the three men watched as Adam, seated on a log by the fire, spun the cylinder of his gun, held the barrel to his head and pulled the trigger before they could react. Nothing happened. He reached down and pulled another slug of whiskey from the bottle that had been sitting by his foot. The contents of the bottle spilled over, soaking his pants leg.

Hunh, now I get lucky. Lord has a wicked sense of humor.”

Panicked and desperate to stop him before he tried again, Ben stepped into the light.

“Adam, what are you doing.” His brothers appeared right after their father.

Whas it look like. You come to watch?” The cylinder spun.

“No, I came to bring you home.”

“I got no home. No home, no family, no Angela, no Ben….”

“What about Rosie.”

Adam’s face softened at her name. “She’s a good girl Pa, beautiful and smart and happy like her Mama. Take good care of her for me.”

“No.”

“Whadda yuh mean?”

“No, I won’t. She’s your child, your responsibility.”

“She’s better off without me.”

“How can you say that? You know what it’s like to grow up with out a mother. She’ll grow up without either parent.”

“She’ll have all of you.” Adam attempted to stand, but the whiskey had robbed him of his natural grace. He squeezed the trigger accidentally and the kick of the gun caused him to lose what balance he had. He hit ground hard, with one leg in the campfire.

Alcohol soaked cloth erupted into flames and Adam screamed. The three men rushed forward and dragged him, writhing from the flames. Hoss smothered the burning pants with his jacket while Ben and Joe ran for water and anything that would make a bandage.

 

********************************************

 

Drifting in and out of consciousness, the next few days were a blur. Doc Martin had been less worried about the burn on Adam’s leg than he was about the withdrawal from alcohol.

“He’s been drinking for a long time Ben. It’s gonna be rough and unpleasant, and if he doesn’t want to stay sober, it’s going to be for nothing.”

“Do you think he’s a drunk?”

“No, I just think he’s lost so much he doesn’t want to live anymore.”

“I know.”

Ben Cartwright looked at his oldest son and wondered how he could have failed him so. Well, one more chance was the least he owed the boy.  So he sat with him, holding him through the fever and chills and nausea. Through the begging to be left alone and the cries for his dead wife and the pain of the dressing changes on the burn, and finally, days later, through the nightmares that drinking had been dimming for six months.

A week after Adam had attempted suicide, he was physically on the mend. The leg was healing nicely and the worst of the withdrawal was over. The hard work was still ahead though. The only thing that broke through his indifference was Rosie. When she entered the room his face lit up with a love that was painful to see in contrast to the emptiness he felt most of the time.

“It’s time to go to the cemetery Adam.”

“I’m ready”

“Here, let me help you.” Ben put an arm around the younger man’s waist and helped him down the steps to the front porch and waiting carriage. He gave Adam one last squeeze of affection before he let go.

“Pa, thanks for honoring my request.”

“They’re family, Adam.”

“Still, you didn’t have to.”

“Yes I did.”

“I’ll be leaving once the doc says I’m okay to travel.”

Ben had been expecting this. Nothing had really changed in the week since the suicide attempt. If nothing did, then he knew it would only be a matter of time.

“Adam, why won’t you stay here with us?”

“I can’t Pa. I left here thinking I was leaving behind people who only cared for me because I made their lives easier. It took me a long time to admit that I had no idea who I was, and that wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own.”

“I still don’t understand why you can’t stay.”

“I couldn’t live here knowing how much I hurt you. And everyday I’d be a reminder of the pain I caused. Can’t you see you’d come to resent me? Joe already does, and you and Hoss won’t be far behind. You’ve moved on, put me behind you. I look around the house and there’s not even a sign that I ever lived here in this house, on this ranch. It’s best I leave it that way. ”

Ben lapsed into silence as he waited for the preacher to ready his mount and head out. Moments before Joe and Hoss mounted the buckboard, he suddenly jumped from his seat and hastily admonished Adam to “Wait here.”

Joe and Hoss had just finished hitching up the buckboard with the two coffins on the bed. Hoss looked at the small white box that held his first nephew and blinked away a tear. “Ain’t that about the saddest sight you ever seen?”

Joe had been silent the whole time, not trusting his own ability to speak. He nodded as the tears began to roll down his face.

“Hoss, I told him he had no idea what it felt like for Pa to lose a son.”

“Joe, you didn’t know. You were angry and hurt. He understands.”

“Joe…” Ben had walked up behind them and laid his hand on his youngest son’s shoulder.  “Don’t blame yourself for not being able to read minds.”

“I need you boys to handle something for me after the cemetery.”

Once he’d finished outlining his plan, he looked Hoss square in the eye and asked him how Jenny would feel about it.

“She’ll be fine Pa. Trust us to get it done.”

The internment was brief and solemn. The family watched in silence as the two coffins were lowered into the ground. No one had known Angela and Adam was only able to speak a few words before his grief overcame him.

Ben drove the carriage back along the road, but passed the turnoff to the house.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see. There’s something I want to show you.”

They rode for a half-hour before turning off on a rougher track that looped around a stand of trees. Coming out on the other side, Adam saw a stretch of high pasture crisscrossed with deep ditches and each bounded by a sluice door. At the far end of the field, furthest away from any obstructions, stood a windmill slowly turning.

There was a sudden intake of breath from the younger man. “You built it.”

“Well, you left such detailed plans and the model, it wasn’t hard to do.  We pump ground water most of the time, but Hoss had the idea of adding a holding pond for winter runoff, for dry years. So far this field produces twice the feed of any other on the ranch.”

The look of excitement in Adam’s face was a joy for Ben to see. They drove up to the windmill so that Adam could see his handiwork up close.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you build it? You hated the idea.”

“I know. In case you hadn’t noticed, you come by your stubbornness legitimately.”

A faint smile played around Adam’s lips.

 

“After you left, I was hurt and angry. Poor Joe and Hoss, what they had to put up with. We finally packed up all your things because they bothered Joe so much.” Adam looked down in shame and Ben plowed on before his son could sink any further in guilt. “But finally I started to really think about why you would want to go. After all, you chosen to come back home after college, so you must have wanted to be here.”

 “One day I went up to the storage room and really took a good look everything. It was the only way I could think of to feel close to you.”

“HopSing was livid, I had trunks and crates strewn all over the floor.” They both smiled, knowing exactly how the cook would have reacted.

“There were all your models. The ones you’d so painstakingly built as a child. And your notebooks. I started to leaf through them and suddenly I understood. Those books were filled with dreams, ideas about how to improve the ranch, ideas about new techniques and methods, improvements, changes, inventions. And in the two years that you had been home from college, where you’d learned how to turn your dreams into a reality I hadn’t allowed you to build one of them. Hadn’t even been willing to consider any of them. I realized that I’d been incredibly cruel, sending you away to learn to make your dreams come true and then bringing you home and refusing to let you try.”

They rode on for a while. Ben took Adam around the ranch, showing him how they’d used his ideas here and there, and how they’d worked or had needed modification. By the end of the afternoon Adam was exhausted but some of the hopelessness seemed to have lifted from his shoulders.

Ben helped him into the house and settled him on the sofa in front of the fire.

“Adam, I’m sorry.”

“For what Pa?”

“For not seeing you for who you were, what you were offering, not listening to your ideas and being open to them when I should have. And for not being there when Angela and little Ben died.”

Adam looked into the fire. “You have nothing to apologize for. I could have gotten in contact long before now, before they died. I could have let you know you I was okay, had found someone who helped me see the joy in life. You know, she gave me the courage to take the risk Pa, even knowing how it hurt you so many times. She was special. She’d even made me promise to come back here and bring her to meet you all. She was determined that we would at least have one last chance to talk.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Oh, you know, life gets busy. We had Rosie and then she was pregnant again and I was busy designing buildings, and….”

“What?”

“And I couldn’t imagine you still having any love for me, not after I’d broken up the family.”

“ Oh son. How could you ever think I wouldn’t still love you?” Ben walked over from where he’d been standing beside the fireplace, kneeled down and wrapped his son in his arms. Adam intended only to hug his father back, but found himself crying into Ben’s shoulder, letting out seven years of loneliness and loss.

Eventually Adam’s grief was spent and two men sat side-by-side in companionable silence.

“So why did you come back now?”

“Well, you know me, I try to keep my promises.”

 

********************************************

 

“You’re still not completely recovered, son. How about I help you upstairs for some rest?”

“Thanks, I could use it.”

When he turned left to make his way to the guestroom, Ben stopped him.

“Not there. Here.”

Adam opened the door to his childhood room and stood still as a statue. Everything was as it had been seven years before. Furniture, blankets, even his models and notebooks. It was his room again; the one he’d left so long ago.

 “Welcome home son.”

 

The End

 

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