" DADBURNIT,
WHY ME ?"
By: Lynne G.
" Dadburnit, why me? Why do I always have ta get in
trouble? It just ain't fair !"
" This time it's that darn old Shake-what's his name's fault. Ya know
the one I mean, the one that writes all that yucky, mushy stuff that old
Miss Jones melts over, and that my big brother, Adam is always readin' and
it's their faults too."
" Big brother keeps tellin' me that I need ta read all of Shake-what's
his name's stuff. HUH !!! As big brother puts it, " It's classic works
and that I might learn somethin' from it." HUH !!! Learn what, how
ta talk funny ? I dunt think so !"
" What's wrong with good books like Davey Crockett er books bout pirates.
Now those are REALLY good books, but no, I gotta read old Shake."
" I think I had better start at the beginnin' as ta why I'm in BIG
TROUBLE with big brother, and havin' ta stay in my room, which ain't bad
taday cuz it's rainin' out Thy younder window. Sorry bout that, just shorta
slipped out. I sure do love the rain though."
" Anyhow, as I was sayin', how can a GOOD BOY like me be in trouble?
Well, let me tell ya the way. Hey, do ya like my version of old Shake? Pretty
good , huh?"
" This all started one day at school which is bad enough as it is.
Miss Jones had THAT look on her face which meant she was gonna be talkin'
bout that old Shake guy. I know I should say his name correctly, as THY
big brother keeps tellin' me. Ok, it's SHAKESPEARE ! Now, what kinda name
is that anyway ? Sorry bout that. I'll continue this sad story."
"Miss Jones started ta read some of this Romeo and Juliet stuff. Yup,
that's her name, Juliet. I dunt like girls yet, and I hope I never will.
YUCK !!!!!!!"
" THY big brother tells me that girls LOVE ta hear old Shake's stuff.
You've gotta be kiddin'. Why? Girls are YUCKY ! Sorry, but I can't help
it, but they are."
" Anyhow, Miss Jones is standin' there in front of us with a goofy
look on her face, and she starts ta read ta us. What the heck is she sayin'?
It sound so funny ! I mean, what the heck does, " Misadventur'd piteous
over throw's mean?" All then funny words are makin' me giggle, and
I just can't help it !"
" Miss Jones stops readin' and she glares at me and she tells me that
this ain't funny at all. Well, ya coulda fooled me, and I hate ta tell ya,
but that it is FUNNY !"
" I wish ya coulda seen that look on Miss Jones's face, talk bout funny
lookin' Geez !"
" All them ' Thy's, Thee's and Thou's'. I mean really, no one 'round
here talks like that 'cept Jonesy and Adam."
" Miss Jones has been readin' this Romeo and Juliet stuff ta us all
week and I was so glad when she finished it. It was so hard not ta giggle
at all them silly words, even though I did giggle a lot at em. Now I ask
ya, what kinda name is Romeo anyway?"
" One day THY big brother handed me one of his old Shake's books. Oh
joy, just what I dunt wanna read, 'Romeo and Juliet' !"
" I tried ta tell Adam that Jonesy read us this bad story in school
all week, but did that make THY older brother change his mind? NOPE !"
" He told me that it is a great classic and I had ta read it anyway.
DADBURNIT !!!!"
" This story gets worse with every page that I am FORCED ta read. Oh
why would anyone write somthin' like this in the first place ?"
" The other thing is, have ya seen them drawin's of what them people
in them stories wore fer clothes? Now that is just too funny fer words.
Hey, can't ya just see THY big brother Adam dressin' like that ? That would
be the funniest thing 'round here, that's fer sure !"
" I'm back in control again from giggling' so hard at the thought of
old Adam dressed like one of them guys in old Shake's stories."
" Ta impress THY big brother, I asked him why someone would go and
write stuff like old Shake does, but the way I asked, made him really mad.
I thought it was rather funny after all."
" All I asked very nicely was, " Thy if must question thy older
brother why noble Shake wouldst write words like this, alas?"
" THY big brother told me NOT ta make fun of such classic works. Then
he dun told me that I was TOTALLY hopeless. Gosh, I thought that I was Little
Joe, NOT totally hopeless. Wonder if Pa know's Adam dun changed my name?
See what readin' that stuff can do ta yer brain. It goes all mushy, that's
fer sure !"
" After I finished my chores, I had ta read that dadburn book again.
I took it outside ta read since it ain't in the best shape in the first
place."
" So now, here is where all the BIG TROUBLE comes in !"
" I was walkin' outside headin' fer the barn and the hayloft, cuz I
dunt want no one ta know that I had ta read this dadburn book."
" I couldn't help it, but I tripped and that old book just took off
and it flew straight over ta the water trough, and it went SPLASH ! Yup,
old Shake dun sunk ta the bottom of the water trough."
"WOOPS !!!! Hope THY big brother ain't watchin' old Skake now at the
bottom of the trough. I just couldn't help it, but I was gigglin' so hard
that I couldn't stand up."
" I finally got up and went ta rescue THY brother's book. What a drippy
mess !! Uh oh, I just dropped that wet old book in the dirt. Wonder how
that happened?"
" THY brother's book not only is soaked, but it's dirty too. I couldn't
help it, but I started ta giggle again, so I ran inta the barn and straight
ta the loft ta think."
" Oh man, Adam's gonna kill me fer sure. Now old Shake would say '
slay ' insteada ' kill '."
" I gotta think of somethin' ta do fast, cuz it will be time fer dinner
real soon. Oh, my tummy is upset. This ain't good at all. OH WHY ME ?"
" I know, I'll sneak the book up ta THY brother's room and then I'll
go and hide somewhere. Yeah, that's a good idea !"
" I snuck in the house and up ta Adam's room. So far so good. I decided
ta lay THY brother's wet and dirty classic yucky book on his desk. Dunt
ask me WHY I decided ta put it there. I think old Shake has wrecked my poor
INNOCENT brain."
" After I left THY brother's chamber-pretty funny, huh? Adam's chamber,
I headed ta find a hiddin' place FAST ! I couldn't go up ta the hayloeft,
cuz that's the first place THY big brother would look."
" So I decided ta climb one of the large old pine tree's in the yard.
That way I could hear what was goin' on, and I would still be close ta the
house."
" I ain't never heard such LOUD yellin' comin' from Adam before. Talk
bout SCARY ! YIKES !!! Just as I thought, he wants ta kill me!"
" Now Pa is yellin' fer me and I can see Pa and THY big brother walkin'
ta the barn. See, I dun told ya that they would look there, and that's why
I'm sittin' here in this big old tree. Uh oh, here they come and boy do
they ever look MAD,'specially THY brother, and that ain't good."
" Brrrrr, it's gettin' cold out here and it's dark too. Sure wish I
had my jacket. Oh great, it's startin ta rain, but I gotts ta stay up here
in this tree if'n I wanna stay alive. OH, WHY ME ?"
" Wouldn't ya know, I started ta sneeze. Just what I dunt wanna do,
but I couldn't stop that dadburn sneezin' fer nothin'."
" Just great, the front door opens and I hear Pa yellin' that he can
hear me sneezin' and that I had better get my little butt in the house NOW
!!! Well, if'n I could send my little butt in the house by itself, I would,
but it's attached ta me, so I ain't got no choice, I gotta come down from
my hiddin' place."
" Then I hear Pa yell, ' NOW ', and he means NOW ! NOT LATER ! Then
THY big brother yells, ' WHERE IS HE ? Uh oh, that's scary !"
" Now I'm hearin' my full name bein' yelled, and when I hear JOSEPH
FRANCIS CARTWRIGHT bein' yelled, I know I'm in trouble, BIG TIME !!!!"
" I decided ta say somethin' like, ' I'm here Pa' and I was told or
I should say ODERED by Pa ta get STRAIGHT down from that tree that instant
!"
" I was so cold and still sneezin' that I could barely climb down the
tree."
" Talk bout SCARY, I suddenly felt someone grab me 'round my waist
and IT pulled me down from the tree. Yup, it was Pa, and even in the dark,
well it wasn't that dark cuz the porch light was lit, but I tell ya, I could
see smoke comin' out his ears and flames in his eyes. No lie, and so did
THY big brother too !"
" So ya know what I dun did, and this is so good too. I got down on
my knees in front of THY big brother and I looked up at him with tears in
my eyes cuz I was really scared and that's the truth too, and I was shiverin'
too."
" Anyhow, as I looked up THY brother through my teary eyes, I said
and begged, ' Oh please THY noble big brother, I can not tell a lie, hence,
but I dun tripped and fell down and yer book flew out of my hands and hence
it landed in the water torugh and it dun sunk. I am so sorry. Please dunt
slay me. I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER !" I even had my hands tagether as
if'n I was prayin', cuz I was."
" Hoss was almost rollin' on the floor in laughter. Dunt know what
was so funny. All I was tryin' ta do was ta save my life, and that ain't
funny !"
" I think Pa was smilin', but THY big brother sure wasn't. I was waitin'
fer him ta say somethin' or ta kill me, but so far he just stared at me,
and he still had smoke comin' out his ears and flames comin' out his eyes.
Pa ain't got smoke and flames comin' out of him no more."
" Then Pa told Adam that he could punish me. Now I know I'm gonna die.
I'm way too young ta die. Heck, I'm just a little boy after all."
" THY big brother told me ta stand up, so I did. I was so scared that
I didn't feel cold no more. THY big brother told me ta go up ta my room
and get out of my wet clothes and ta put on my nightshirt. I ran all the
way up ta my room and dun what I was told ta do."
" After my so called lovin' big brother tanned me, he told me that
it was just a good thing that his old book, ya know, that one that went
fer a swim that afternoon, wasn't his excellent condition copy of Romeo
and Juliet. Now why would anyone want two copies of the same book?"
" So if this was his OLD BEAT UP copy of that Shake's book, why did
he have ta get so mad at me? I dunt feel guilty bout his dumb old book gettin'
wet and dirty then!"
" So, now ya know why this whole trouble thing is all that old Shake
guys fault, and old Jonesy and Adam's fault's too."
" Now, I ask ya, why does old Shake have ta use all them silly soundin'
names? What kinda names are, Benvolio, Escalus, Mercutio, Tybalt, and Balthasar
anyway? What's wrong with names like, John, Harry, Roy, Joe and Tom? Ya
know, easy names that people 'round here have?"
" I guess I will NEVER understand old Shake and why his stupid stories
make old Jonesy and THY big brother go all crazy fer."
" I'm so glad that I'm normal and such a good boy who got inta trouble
thanks ta old Shake ! DADBURNIT !!!! My poor little butt dunt feel so good."
" So now, I need ta REALLY try ta be nice ta HIM, I mean, THY big brother,
and just maybe I can released from my bed chamber. Good one, huh? Yup, that
old Shake has messed up my brain alright !"
" Well, that's my VERY SAD STORY as ta why I'm in so much TROUBLE with
THY BIG BROTHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
" LIFE JUST AIN"T FAIR !!!!!!! DADBURNIT ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The End.