By Mary M Stone
 

The San Francisco stage rolled along the road to Virginia City, it's passengers wearily bearing the roughness of the trail. A young man sat alone on one side and an older man and his daughter sat opposite him. The younger man was exhausted, and his eyes and head ached from the struggle to stay awake. But he dared not fall asleep in front of his fellow passengers, for it would be rude.
 
The young lady had said little throughout the trip, but listened with interest as her father conversed with the stranger. She learned that he was returning home after a long absence at sea, and that he was a First Mate serving under a Captain Murphy. A man he referred to as a gruff man with a big heart. But it was the man's physical appearance that she noticed first. He had a dark broodiness about him. Whether it was the dark hair and eyes that made him seem that way or something else, she did not know. She only knew that she found him quite interesting. And whenever he talked with her father she listened, grateful for the chance to look his way.

" Are you getting anxious now young man?" her father asked.
 
" Yes Sir I suppose I am " he answered with a sheepish smile.
 
He found himself glancing out the window as familiar territory flashed before him. A knot of nervousness was forming in his stomach and he figured it was showing on his face.

" Well we'll be there in no time at all, now you be sure and visit us at my brother's while you're home" the older man said, making it sound almost like an order.

" Yes my family is quite familiar with your brother Luther, I'll be sure and stop in if I get the chance."
 
The stage soon rolled into Virginia City and the passengers disembarked and collected their bags. As the stage moved away they stood saying their good-byes.
 
" Well young man, it was a pleasure riding with you. My daughter and I found you to be enjoyable company. We do hope to see you again"
 
They shook hands " Thank you Mr. Bishop, I too found the trip a pleasure, thanks to you and Miss Lucille" he said with a slight bow.
 
Lucille smiled self consciously and curtseyed. The young man turned away and started walking up the street. He was surprised at how much the town had changed in than four years. He stopped walking, had it been four years since he'd been home? Yes, in fact it had, nearly five years come Christmas. How had the time gone by so fast? Deciding not to dwell the young man walked to the livery to rent a horse. The livery man had no horses available but offered to have his son drive the man home.
 

The young man soon found himself standing in front of his house and he stood frozen before it. It looked exactly the same as it had when he left so long ago. He found it comforting that not everything had changed in his absence and walked confidently up to the door and stepped inside. He moved about inside the house slowly, touching familiar things and breathing in the smells of long forgotten memories. He walked to the stairs and looked up, how easy it would be to simply go to his old room and go to sleep for a day or two.
 
" Can I help you friend?" a voice called from behind him.
 
He turned to face a man he'd never seen before and for a moment did not know what to say. Who was this man challenging his presence in his own home? He barged in without even knocking. He was about to ask the man these very things when the man suddenly smiled.
 
" Wait a minute, you're Adam, aren't you?" he asked pointing at him.
 
" Yes that's right" Adam answered eyeing the man. Then he remembered his father's letters telling him about the new foreman. His father had mentioned that he'd become like one of the family. " And you're Candy"
 
" Yes I am" Candy said and moved forward " I'm sorry about that, I didn't realize you were coming home. I've heard an awful lot about you, I'm glad I finally get to meet you" he said holding out his hand
 
Adam shook his extended hand " Well this is what you might call a surprise visit. Where is everybody?"
 
Candy had seen pictures of Adam, but none of them could have prepared him for the man that stood before him. He had the feeling that Adam's eyes were penetrating his soul, as if he could look right through him. He reminded Candy of a gunfighter, he had the same calculating calmness about him that was most unsettling.

" Well your brothers are out with the branding crews and your father is up paying off the men at the logging camp, they should all be back for dinner though" he told him.
 
Adam smiled for the first time " Great I can't wait to see them. Listen do me a favor, if you see them first, don't tell them I'm here"
 
Candy's face lit up " Oh no way am I going to spoil this surprise that's for sure. Listen I have to get back before those brothers of yours come looking for me. I just came back to get something from my room" he said and with no further explanation rushed up the stairs.
 
His actions confirmed Adam's suspicions that he was living in the house. He was suddenly overcome with a feeling of discomfort, what if Candy had been given his old room? Just as he'd convinced himself of this, Candy came back down the stairs and headed for the door.
 

" I gotta run, it was nice to meet you Adam " he called as he walked out the door. Adam could do little more than wave as he passed by and went out. When he was gone, Adam walked to his father's desk and sat in the chair and listening to the retreating hoof beats. When he no longer heard them he allowed himself to look around the room. He looked at the contents on the desk and ran his hands across the top of it until his eyes fell on the pictures that adorned the top of the desk.

Pictures of his mother and two step-mothers. He looked at them for a long time and found it difficult to look away. When he finally did he stood up and walked back to the stairs. He hesitated just for a moment, then went boldly up. He wondered why he felt like a thief in the night in his own home. A home that he knew every inch of, that he had helped build with his own hands. Within seconds he stood outside his old bedroom door and gripped the handle. He pushed it open slowly, almost afraid to look, for fear he'd find someone else's belongings there. He hadn't need to worry though, for he found it was just as he'd left it. He stood in the doorway looking around the room taking everything in. Like someone sleep walking he moved around the room touching things from the past. He leafed through some of his old books, unable to remember the last time he'd stopped to read. He made his way to the bed and sat down, it felt strange. He chalked it up to being at sea for so long, he'd forgotten what a comfortable bed felt like. His body ached to lie down and rest, but he wanted to be wide awake when his family returned. He decided to go back downstairs, although on his way, he was unable to resist the urge to peek in his brother's rooms. The door opened just as he reached the bottom of the stairs and there stood Hop Sing, the long time family housekeeper. The Chinese man stood with his mouth open, and then smiled happily.
 
" Mr. Adam, you come home!" he exclaimed as he met him half way. Adam gave him a quick hug, not wanting to embarrass him.
 
" That's right Hop Sing and I hope you're making something special because I've been dreaming about your cooking for a long time"
 
" Oh yes Mr. Adam, I make vely special dinner just for you" Hop Sing announced and hurried into the kitchen. Suddenly he popped his head around the corner and shouted " Welcome home Mr. Adam"
 
Adam smiled warmly " Thanks Hop Sing" he said. He walked back toward the fireplace and sat on the sofa. Folding his hands behind his head he leaned back blissfully and said out loud, " Home!"
 
Chapter 2

 
Hop Sing informed Adam that it would be at least an hour before dinner would be ready, so Adam decided to get some air and look around some more. His walk took him into the barn and he quickly found his former partner. His tall flashy chestnut Sport stood quietly munching on some hay. Adam walked into the stall next to Sport's and patted his neck.
 
" Hey Sport, how ya doing fella, remember me?" he said doubting very much the horse cared who he was. But to his surprise Sport turned to look at him and whickered softly from deep in his throat. Adam swore he saw recognition in the old gelding's eyes. He noted sadly, the white of age around the horse's muzzle and eyes. He scratched him under the chin as he'd always done, and Sport contentedly closed his eyes. Adam was alerted to the sound of an approaching horse and he moved to the barn door to see who it was. He felt his pulse quicken at the sight of the familiar paint horse, and his youngest brother. A smile played on his face as he stood outside the door and folded his arms across his chest.
 
" You know you're gonna break your neck riding in like that" he shouted as Joe climbed off the horse and tied her to the tie rail.
 
Joe stopped his motion, he knew that voice as well as he knew his own. But he dare not trust his ears, it couldn't be. He reminded himself that his oldest brother was thousands of miles away. He said his brother's name out loud and slowly turned around, only to find him standing there with his back against the barn door, a crooked grin on his face. Joe moved away from his horse, like a man called out and looked back toward the barn. So afraid to trust his eyes, that he squeezed them shut and looked again.

" Adam?" he dared to call.
 
" Yeah it's me Joe" Adam answered with a smile.
 
Joe started walking toward him, unaware of the action until he was before him. Adam had moved a few steps forward also and they soon faced each other barely a foot apart.
 
" My God, it's really you, you're really here" Joe said as if he didn't believe his own words.
 
" Yeah I'm really here Buddy" Adam assured him.
 
Joe felt his heart skip a beat, Adam was the only one who had ever called him that. And Adam saw the impact of his using the term in his brother's eyes. He impulsively put his arms around him at the same moment that Joe moved closer and did the same. They held onto each other for several minutes, Joe not sure whether to laugh or cry. Adam laughed first, causing Joe to do the same. He put Joe at arms length to get a look at him
 
" My God boy, where the heck are your ears?" he quipped fingering a tuft of hair over his ear.

"What about you, what's with the snow over yours?" Joe countered happily " Before long you'll look just like Pa."
 
" Oh yeah, well Pa got his from living with you!" Adam teased and Joe grabbed him and tried to wrestle him to the ground. They felt like kids, ecstatic to be together again.

They were so engrossed in their match that they didn't hear Hoss ride up. Thinking Joe was in trouble, and not recognizing his brother's opponent, Hoss went for the suspected enemy Adam almost had Joe pinned, when he was grabbed from behind and yanked to his feet.
 
" Look here mister, you got a problem with my brother, you answer to me you hear?" Hoss warned. Adam chuckled and poked Hoss in the chest " Ah but you see, he's my brother too" he informed him.

Hoss' mouth dropped open when he recognized whose collar he held. It stayed open as he blinked several times and shook his head. Quite suddenly he let out a bloodcurdling yell and lifted Adam up, and swung him around with a holler .

" Hot diggity dog if you ain't the purtiest thing I seen today"
 
" Ahhhh Hoss....... Hoss I can't breathe!" Adam cried from the crush of his brother's bear hug.
 
Hoss immediately released him looking quite ashamed of himself " Sorry Adam, you okay?"
 
Adam straightened his clothes and laughed " Yeah I'm fine, I was just kiddin' you little brother"
 
"Aw Adam, you're always joshing me dadburnit" Hoss laughed " Wait'll Pa gets home, he's gonna bust his gut when he sees you"
 
Adam's face lit up " Yeah I know, I can't wait to see him too. Not that you two don't look great"

" Why didn't you let us know you were coming?" Joe asked him.
 
" Well to be honest I didn't know I was, this was sort've a surprise for me too"
 
" How long can you stay?" Hoss asked him.
 
" I don't know for sure, Captain Murphy said it will be at least two weeks though" Adam said happily. He expected that to be good news to his brothers but their faces fell.
 
" That's not very long after four years, is it?" Joe mumbled.
 
Adam looked from one to the other, stung by their reaction " Look fellas, I'm sorry I can't get home more often, but that's just the way this kind of life is"
 
A solemn silence fell between them, clouding the celebration atmosphere of moments before.
 
" Well I reckon we better try to enjoy the time we have then" Hoss suggested hoping to lighten the mood.
 
" That's right, let's have as much fun as we can, while we're together. What d'ya say Joe?" Adam said clapping him on the shoulder.
 
Joe smiled at them and after a moment nodded " Yeah, let's have a two week celebration"

Adam put an arm around each of his brothers " Let's go see if dinner is almost ready. And I want to change into some other clothes too"
 
" Now that's a right smart idea older brother, cause them duds ain't' gonna be fitting to work in around here" Hoss told him.
 
" Work? I don't have to work, I'm a guest" Adam exclaimed.
 
" Not in this house you ain't" Hoss said " You get to be a working fool again, just like us"
 
" Well you got the fools part right" Adam said with a grin and together the brothers entered the house.
 
Chapter 3
 
After changing into some old work clothes, Adam stood before the mirror in his room. Looking at himself was like looking at a ghost from the past, older perhaps but familiar. Maybe it was the change of clothes or the fact that he was standing in his old room, he couldn't be sure, but he looked away. He walked to the window of his room and looked out, still no sign of his father. With a nervous sigh he walked out of the room and down the stairs to join his brothers. He walked to the sofa and sat down next to Hoss.
 
" He ain't back yet. I don't know what's keeping him but we could go ahead and eat if you want Adam" Hoss offered.
 
" No, I don't want to do that, let's wait for him" Adam said and was rewarded with two relieved smiles.
 
He no sooner got the words out when they heard someone riding up to the house. Joe rushed to the window over his father's desk and looked out.
 
" It's him!" he shouted barely able to conceal his excitement.
 
Hoss smiled at Adam, he tried to smile back but he suddenly felt ill. His stomach was in knots and his hands shook. He wasn't sure he was ready. Ben came in looking somewhat flustered and hurried to remove his gun belt.
 
" I'm sorry I'm late boys, I had a little problem up at camp" he explained as he bent over to untie the string on his leg.
 
" That's alright Pa, the three of us waited for you" Hoss said and nudged Adam.
 
" That's right Pa" Adam added surprised at how normal it sounded.
 
Ben froze, then slowly stood up straight. His eyes went to n his three sons, who now stood before him. His eldest son's name was frozen on his lips. It was a name he had on his mind often, and one he occasionally said out loud. Ben moved forward and stopped in front of Adam. His eyes reflected his disbelief Adam was not prepared for the powerful emotions that overcame him at the sight of his father. But when he looked into his father's eyes, he knew he was truly home. He longed to say something, but speech was impossible. Ben reached for him as if fearful that he would disappear. He prayed that his eyes were not deceiving him as he touched his son's face, brushed a hand over his hair and then slowly gathered him into his arms and whispered.
 
" My son, my son"
 
The room was charged with emotion as Hoss and Joe looked on, their eyes brimming with tears. They knew it was moment their father had longed for. Adam found himself encircled in a warmth and love he'd sorely missed from his family. Although it was true that he was living the life he'd chosen, he still missed the security of home. He closed his eyes and lost himself in the gentle rocking motion. He imagined himself a boy again, safe and sound in his father's embrace. And his father held on to his son as if he would never let go again. He was living the moment he'd dreamed about many times. But this was not a memory or a wish. His son was real, he could feel his heart beating against his own chest, and feel his breath on his neck. As tears of joy fell from his eyes, Ben knew there was nothing more precious then the weight he held in his arms. When they finally pulled apart, they both laughed nervously. Adam wiped at the unexpected tears that slipped from his eyes as he looked at his father.
 
" I'm sorry I didn't let you know I was coming" Adam apologized, trying to sound like himself again. Ben cupped a hand behind Adam's neck, wiping at the moisture on his cheek with his thumb, just as he'd done long ago when he was a child.

" Don't be silly Son, you don't need an invitation ever" Ben said with a smile, unable to take his eyes off him " I can't tell you what it means to have you home"
 
Adam nodded and dropped his eyes for a moment " Yes Sir, I know, it means a lot to me too.”
 
Ben put an arm around his shoulder and guided him to the sofa " Well let's sit down and talk, how did you get your Captain to let you come home, and for how long?"
 
Father and son sat down, Hoss and Joe joined them. " Well sir, we had to bring the Seeker into port for repairs, after an unexpected run in with another ship. When we ended up in San Francisco, I knew it would be my chance to come home. Captain Murphy said repairs would take at least a couple weeks so here I am. He said he'd send word when she's seaworthy again" Adam explained

" Doggone Adam, I thought you'd be Captain by now" Hoss said
 
Adam smiled affectionately at his brother " Maybe someday Hoss, right now I'm just a First Mate"
 
Ben squeezed his shoulder proudly just as Hop Sing interrupted their conversation.
 
" Dinner ready for honorable family, all together and all is right" Hop Sing said happily.
 
The Cartwright family gathered around the table and sat down. They all bowed their heads as Ben gave thanks, being sure to mention his joy at having his eldest home again.

As they dug in and passed the dishes around the table Hoss said " I wonder where Candy got to, he's usually the first one home"
 
Joe nodded and looked to his father " Yeah that's true, did you send him on some kind of errand?"
 
" No I didn't" Ben said " He's a big boy, he'll be along I'm sure" he assured them as he handed a platter to Adam
 
" Does uh.. Candy eat with you all the time?" Adam asked handing the platter on to Hoss.
 
Hoss seemed surprised by the question " Why sure he does, you'll like him Adam, he's a regular sort'a feller. Real easy to get along with"
 
" Yeah I know, I met him. He was here when I arrived home" Adam told them picking up his fork
 
" Really, you didn't mention that" Ben said watching his son's expression

Adam looked at his father briefly " Oh well, I guess I just forgot to mention it"
 
" Well he should be along any time now" Hoss said " Hey Adam tell us some stories about your ship"
 
" Boys, let your brother eat. I'm sure he's hungry and we have plenty of time to talk after dinner" Ben admonished

After dinner they moved to the living room, sitting in various chairs, Adam and Joe on the sofa. Adam told them lively stories of his adventures. All about his visits to many different countries and his life at sea. It reminded Ben of when they were children, Adam satisfying his brothers with exciting stories. He's always been like a second father to them and Ben could tell by the expressions on their faces that they still saw him that way. Adam talked with them for over an hour when his lack of sleep began to catch up with him. After his fourth consecutive yawn
 
Ben interrupted " Listen boys, let's not wear Adam out on his first night home. Adam why don't you get some sleep" Ben suggested
 
Adam was suddenly alert " Oh no Pa, that's alright. I'm fine really"
 
Ben looked doubtful but gave in " Alright but we all have to turn in pretty soon. It's late and we have a full day tomorrow"
 
Hoss and Joe frowned, then Hoss suddenly brightened " Hey Adam, we gotta do the gathering tomorrow, you gotta come along with us, it'll be just like old times"
 
" Yeah Adam" Joe agreed " Why don't you come with us?"

Adam did his best to suppress another yawn and nodded " Okay if I can still sit a horse"
 
" Yeah that reminds me, wait until you see this new string of horses I got in Texas. They call them short horses and they come from a stallion called Shiloh. They can do anything you put them too and fastest little animals I've ever seen. You haven't worked cattle until you've done it with one of these horses Adam" Joe said excitedly

Hoss laughed " Yeah he's been spending so much time with this new bunch of horses that Val is gettin' plumb jealous"
 
Adam's eyes were getting tired but he was interested " Val? Who is she?"
 
Hoss elbowed Joe in the ribs as the color rushed to his cheeks " She's a little gal he's been sweet on for some time now.
 
Adam smiled " Well little brother you'll have to introduce me to her"
 
Joe only nodded, obviously embarrassed.
 
" Hey Pa, if you go into town tomorrow, I'd like to go with you" Adam said, discreetly changing the subject for Joe's sake
 
" Sure Adam, it may not be tomorrow but I'll let you know when I am going"
 
" Hey Pa, where do you reckon Candy got to?" Hoss asked
 
" I wouldn't worry about Candy Son, he knows the way home" Ben reminded him
 
Joe laughed " I don't know Pa remember the time he didn't quite make it after a night in town?"
 
Hoss laughed too " Yeah he got as far as the crossroad and thought he was home. Couldn't quite figure out who moved the house though"
 
Adam listened to their laughter, feeling a bit awkward because he knew nothing about these past excursions they were discussing and it made him feel strange. He wasn't aware of his eyes closing, or the fact that their voices had become a comforting, familiar hum that easily lulled him to sleep. The others continued their conversation for quite some time before Ben noticed he'd lost one.
 
" Uh boys" he said cutting into their story and indicating the sofa with a tilt of his head

Both sets of eyes turned on their sleeping brother and they smiled. Joe stood up and with great care lifted Adam's legs onto the sofa while Hoss grabbed a quilt from storage and layed it over his brother.
 
" He's out cold, ain't he?" Hoss said with wonder

Ben stood between them " I don't imagine he got much sleep in the last couple days" he said softly

" I can't believe he's really here, back with us" Joe whispered gazing down at him
 
Ben sighed deeply " Why don't you boys go on up to bed, I'll take care of this one"
 
Hoss and Joe nodded and with one last look, went up the stairs. Ben sat down next to Adam, thinking that Joe was right. It was surreal having him there. The fact that he could reach out and touch him seemed too good to be true. He felt as if he could sit and look at him all night. Ben was so caught up in the moment he didn't hear the door open and looked somewhat confused when he saw Candy. Candy walked to the sofa and seeing Adam sleeping, made sure he was quiet.
 
" Mr. Cartwright, I apologize for missing dinner. I was detained in town"
 
" What were you doing in town?" Ben asked him, trying to remember if he'd sent him there

Candy faltered " Well.... well the truth is Mr. Cartwright I just figured you could use some time alone with your son. I didn't want to impose on your reunion with him"  
Ben made no comment.
 
" Also I think it might be a good idea for me to move back in the bunkhouse while he's home" Candy added

" Why?" Ben asked him, noting his discomfort
 
Candy was afraid their conversation was going to wake Adam so he lowered his voice to a whisper " Mr. Cartwright, this is a very private time for you and the boys and you're entitled to spend that time without any interference"
 
Ben smiled kindly " Candy, it really isn't necessary for you move out of the house, Adam understands your being here"
 
Candy relaxed just a little " Yes sir, I know but I want to, I don't mind really"
 
" Alright Candy, but you're still welcome to join us for dinner at least"
 
" Listen I'm just gonna run up to my room and grab a few things and then get on out of here" Candy told him.
 
Ben nodded but his eyes were on Adam so Candy quietly slipped up the stairs. When he returned, Ben was just as he'd left him. Candy hesitated at the sofa watching his employer, he could tell Ben did not want to leave his son. For some reason that Candy could not figure out, all this made him uncomfortable. He didn't know why, for Ben was behaving no different with Adam, than he did with his other sons. Candy was sincerely fond of Hoss and Joe, and he wanted to like Adam too. Yet something was getting in the way and he couldn't figure out exactly what it was. Ben looked up then and seeing the carpetbag in Candy's hand said " Now this is only temporary right?"
 
Candy nodded " Yes Sir, just to give you fellas some time to catch up is all. I'll be right out there if you need me" he said
 
" Are you sure about this Candy? It's really not necessary" Candy smiled " Yes Mr. Cartwright I'm sure. You just enjoy your visit and have a good time, I'll be fine"
 
Ben smiled his gratitude and Candy said good night, and walked to the door. He turned back just in time to see Ben lean down to kiss his son's forehead, then rise to go to his own room. Silently Candy left the house
.
Chapter 4

Ben came down the stairs before dawn as usual to find Adam still sleeping on the sofa. The quilt was on the floor, and Adam had changed position so that he was laying on his stomach, facing away from the fireplace with his right arm hanging off the sofa. Ben had been almost afraid to look when he descended the stairs but his heart was lifted with one glimpse of his son's black hair, he was really home. Ben sat on the edge of the sofa and touched Adam's shoulder to wake him. He nearly lost his seat when Adam bolted awake and grabbed him by the arm. They regarded each other with alarm until Adam blew out his breath and let go.
 
" Sorry about that Pa, I've learned to sleep light and close to my possessions over the years" he explained and then slowly sat up rubbing his face.
 
Ben was still not able to speak. Never in his life had Adam ever reacted like that to his father's touch. But realizing the kind of life he'd been living, he decided to let it go. Adam looked around the room, scratching the stubble on his face.
 
" Good lord, did I fall asleep on you last night?" he asked when he looked back at his father, his eyes red rimmed
 
" Oh that's alright Son, we figured you were worn out" Ben told him
 
Adam stifled yawn " Yeah I guess you could put it that way" he said clearing his throat. He looked at his father and smiled when Ben looked at him. Slapping his palms on his knees he stood up " Well I better get cleaned up and change if I'm going with those brothers of mine this morning"
 
He came down the stairs less than an hour later with his brothers for breakfast. The morning meal was full of lively conversation and no one seemed to notice Candy's absence. After breakfast they moved outside where Joe introduced Adam to what he called the perfect horse for him. It was a nondescript bay gelding, and to Adam looked kind of small. But he took the reins from his brother and got on.

" What's he gonna do, unseat me as soon as I put my heels to him?" Adam quipped
 
" Oh come on Adam, I wouldn't do a thing like that" Joe said with a mischievous grin.
 
" No of course you wouldn't" Adam remarked as he picked up his reins " What's his name or hasn't he got one?"
 
Joe and Hoss grinned at each other " Oh we call him Dynamite" Joe said and rode away laughing.
 
Hoss rode up alongside Adam and said " Just be real careful of that fuse older brother" he warned and cantered off.

Adam wasn't overly concerned as he pressed his heels to the little bay. It had been some time since he'd ridden last and at first the horse felt a little ahead of him. But after a few strides Adam's past experience came back to him and once he relaxed he was able to enjoy the ride.

Candy met up with them out on the range and they gathered around Hoss waiting for jobs to be delegated to them. Adam sat patiently waiting and soon he was the only one left when Hoss turned to him.
 
" Adam you ole rascal, I nearly forgot you. Why don't you just ride along with me, unless you want to ride drag. You remember that don't you?"
 
" Yeah I remember" Adam said and fell in behind his brother as they rode along.

It was after dark when the men gathered , went over the days work and then split up again. Adam, his brothers and Candy were the only ones left when the hands rode off.
 
" Hey Candy, you're gonna join us for dinner tonight ain't ya?" Hoss asked hopefully.
 
Candy looked to Adam before answering, but his face was expressionless " Sure I'll be joining you " he said.
 
Adam smiled but Candy sensed it wasn't sincere. There was something antagonistic between them. He wanted to like Adam, to be a friend, felt it was important that he did. But Adam wasn't being very cooperative and that puzzled him. When he looked into those dark eyes he found them intimidating, so much so that he thought he might be imagining it. He now rode just behind the three brothers, trying to allow them the chance to talk freely. But Hoss and Joe kept including him in their conversation. And each time he saw an expression, difficult to read, cross Adam's face. He was almost relieved to see the ranch house. The four men dismounted and saw to their horses before wearily making their way to the house. Adam walked behind his brothers and Candy who were having a lively conversation about some kind of contest coming up in the summer. Adam stopped walking just as Hoss threw an arm around Candy's shoulder; to Adam it was a very brotherly gesture. It brought to the mind the exchange he'd witnessed earlier between Candy and Joe.
 
Ben emerged from the house just then to welcome them home " There you all are, I was getting ready to organize a posse to look for you fellas. Candy glad to see you can join us tonight. How'd it go boys?"
 
" Fine Pa, although we had to learn Adam some riding skills again" Hoss announced causing the others to laugh loudly.
 
Adam wore a half hearted grin as he approached his father. Ben reached for his arm as he passed, seeing in his face what the others hadn't.
 
" You alright Boy?" Ben asked

Adam stopped to face his father " I'm just a little sore Pa, a little out of practice I guess"
 
" Well you haven't ridden in quite some time so that's to be expected" his father reminded him.
 
After dinner Candy joined the family around the fireplace. Adam sat in his favorite chair, unaware that his father was watching him, had been since he returned. Ben was seeing more than how sore and stiff he was. What caught his eye was how Adam seemed to hang back when Candy was present, he seemed to Ben almost sullen.

" Hey Adam, you ain't heard half of what you missed since you been gone. Little Joe tell him how you got hit with a ricochet by that Rikeman kid" Hoss said laughing as he spoke, drawing Ben back into the conversation

Even Adam had to laugh when Joe rushed over to Hoss and attempted to cover his mouth, his face red with embarrassment " Who's Rikeman Joe?" Adam asked picking up Hoss' cue. Joe glowered at Hoss. Ben decided to even the score a little and said " Yeah Hoss, and while you're at it, tell your older brother about your rabbit raising enterprise"
 
This created the reaction Ben knew it would as Adam's eyebrows shot up " You fellas raised rabbits?"
 
Ben suppressed his smile while Hoss turned the same shade as Joe " Oh yes, they were both going to make lots of money on that little deal. And we're not talking about ordinary bunnies here Son, we're talking prime stock. What were they called again boys?" Ben asked .

Hoss and Joe looked at each other miserably and to Joe's horror Hoss mumbled " Gerby Royals"

Joe covered his face with his hands and shook his head, but he couldn't drown out the laughter that followed.
 
" Some things never change do they?" Adam remarked.
 
" Nope they sure don't" Ben agreed.
 
Later on when everyone was preparing to turn in, Candy drew Ben aside.

" Mr. Cartwright I just wanted you to know that, if you're willing to entrust me with it, I'd be willing to take over the ranch operations for you while Adam's home. You know give you more time spend together"

" Well Candy I appreciate the offer but I'm afraid that would be asking a bit too much, don't you?" Ben said
 
" It's really no problem Mr. Cartwright, I can handle it. I can just delegate the work load, it'll be fine really" Candy assured him.
 
" If you're sure Candy, I would really appreciate it" Ben said his eyes full of gratitude " It would mean a great deal to me"
 
" Yes sir I know, but I feel it's the least I can do for you, after all you've done for me"
 
Ben put an arm around him and led him to the door " Listen Candy I'm planning to have a party to celebrate Adam's homecoming and I'll expect you to be there too, alright?"
 
Candy smiled " Don't worry, I'll be there. Good night Mr. Cartwright" he said and left the house. Ben watched him walk to the bunkhouse and then closed the door and with a happy heart retired for the night.
 
Chapter 5

Adam listened to his father's footsteps as they climbed the stairs and then went to each of his brother's rooms. It was something his father had always done. A quick check in each of their rooms before turning in himself. Each of them grew up knowing that he would be there if they needed him. Whether it be a bad dream, a boy not feeling well, or a need to talk about a pressing problem, they each knew there would be the nightly visit from their father. Over the years it became a source of comfort to them, it made the house seem secure somehow. And now Adam waited, knowing he would come, and secretly looked forward to it. Soon the light knock came on his door.
 
" Come on in" Adam called, quick to lose the knowing smile from his face.
 
" Well I see you're still up, having trouble sleeping?"
 
Adam was standing by the window and turned to face his father he moved to a chair close by and painfully sat down. " Yes sir, I guess I've found some elements missing that I've learned to associate with sleep. You know certain sights, smells, and sounds. You get kind of spoiled from the ocean rocking you to sleep every night"
 
" Yes, I remember" Ben said quietly, it was a memory from long ago, but one he was sure would never be forgotten. He looked up as Adam shifted his weight in the chair trying to get comfortable.
 
" The sea is child's play compared to being in the saddle all day though" Ben commented having noticed his discomfort.

Adam grinned as he stood up, deciding it was more comfortable on his feet. He walked toward the corner of the room and picked up his guitar that was propped against the wall. He ran his hands over it and across the strings. It was, to his father, a loving gesture.
 
" Why don't you play it Son?"
 
Adam looked up " Oh I wouldn't want to wake them, besides I've probably forgotten how" he said " Maybe I'll give it try at least once before I....." he didn't finish the sentence but instead layed the guitar back against the wall. " No dust" he said, as if to himself.
 
" Well your brothers come in here now and then and pick it up. I've even heard Little Joe attempt to play something. It's as if they think they can conjure you up somehow with a song. I have to tell you though, nothing Joseph plays could really be identified as a song" Ben said with a laugh.
 
" Well at least he tries" Adam said.
 
Ben watched him, curious as to what was on his mind. He seemed almost sad.

" Why didn't you take it with you Adam?" he asked.
 
Adam leaned against his dresser, folding his arms across his chest, the action itself causing more pain " I'm not really sure Pa, I guess it was my way of leaving a piece of myself here. It was also a way of letting you all know that I'd be back, like a promise I suppose. I think I meant it as a source of comfort for all of you"
 
" Haven't you missed having it with you though. I mean I always thought of it as a source of comfort to you too"
 
" Yes sir it was, but I suppose at the time I thought your comfort was more important to me"
 
Ben kept his head down, not wanting Adam to see the amused smile on his face. Since his return, Ben had noticed Adam's renewed use of the title sir, and he was rather enjoying it. He tried not to notice Adam working his sore shoulders around to relieve the pain. But eventually his paternal instincts took over.
 
" Adam come on over here" he said sympathetically. Adam did as he asked, sitting on the bed next to him. Ben turned him slightly away and began to massage his shoulders for him. He wondered vaguely whether he should even bring up what was bothering him At first Ben's efforts were terribly painful for Adam but gradually he relaxed. He listened to the ticking of the clock in the hall and began to fell a drowsiness come over him.
 
" Adam there was something I wanted to ask you about" he heard his father say " I'm not exactly sure but I um....... well it's about Candy. You seem somehow bothered about him" Ben felt him instantly tense up at his comment, but he didn't make any response. Ben leaned forward a little and said into his ear " Am I wrong?"
 
" No sir" Adam said shaking his head.
 
" What is it Adam? Candy is a good man, why don't you like him?"
 
Again Adam shook his head; he didn't know why he didn't like him, or even if he did.

" It's not that I don't like him Pa, it's just..." He struggled for the right words " I know this is going to sound crazy Pa, but I guess I'm envious of him. It's as if he just came along and took my place, and you were all just waiting to give it to him. I know that's probably foolish but I can't seem to help feeling that way. You all seem so comfortable with him, it's as if I never existed"
 
Ben smiled, he never imagined Adam would be jealous " Adam you know better than that"
 
Adam frowned, knowing full well how ridiculous he sounded  " Yes sir, my head knows better but my heart doesn't. I know it was my choice to leave, and I really don't regret that choice. But I suppose I somehow thought that things wouldn't change, that they would always be the same. To tell you the truth Pa, it feels a little strange to come home and find someone else is living in the house"
 
" Adam it's not as if we gave your room away" Ben reminded him and Adam was thankful his father couldn't see his face at that moment. " Listen Adam, Candy is a drifter who simply got tired of drifting. He has no family that I'm aware of, no real roots to speak of. He had the need to feel as though he belonged somewhere. That was something the boys and I were able to provide for him, a sense of security, of well being. That's something that every man needs in his life at some time or other. And Candy is a good foreman, the best. He may be young but he's got more savy than men twice his age. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him"
 
Adam listened quietly, trying to be open-minded about it.
 
" Hoss and Joe really seem to like him a lot " he said softly.
 
" Well they do, I do too. But Adam the difference here is they love you, look up to you and treasure all the wonderful things you've given them. I don't mean material things, I mean the things they carry with them always. The things of the heart that sustain them through the worst of times, and comfort them when you're apart. Yes Candy is their friend and rightfully so, but you are their brother, mentor, and friend"
 
Adam gave a noncommittal nod and Ben went on " And sure I may be a father figure to Candy. I may do and say all the things that a father might. But that doesn't mean I've put him in your place" he said leaning toward Adam " You always have been and always will be, my boy" he said draping his arms over his son's shoulders.

 Adam relaxed against his father and smiled " I know Pa, I apologize, I guess I was feeling insecure. I'll give Candy a chance"
 
" Good" Ben said with satisfaction and then neither of them said any more. Adam closed his eyes and his father simply held him, knowing that all too soon, his arms would be empty and his son would be gone.

Chapter 6

Adam stood looking out over the lake and heaved a great sigh. His dark eyes fell to the grave at his feet and on the name of his beloved stepmother. He knelt down to place the flowers in his hand upon it, and then reached in his pocket for something. He pulled out a plain piece of torn canvas and layed it beside the flowers.
 
" Well I'm home......just for a little while though. It feels really strange still, but I suppose that will get better. I wish you were here so I could tell you all about the wonderful places I've seen. Some of the things I've seen would simply take your breath away, like the flowers in Holland and the......." he stopped talking as if suddenly aware that he was talking out loud and looked around him. Not seeing anyone, he turned back to the grave " Well I just wanted to say hello... I better get back to the house or they'll think I got lost"
 
Adam stood but didn't move away, his eyes went back to the lake. For a long time he stood like that, looking out across the water. Then quite suddenly he turned away and walked to his horse. He was riding Sport today, intending to take it easy with him. But Sport didn't seem to know that he was nearly twenty years old. He pranced about like a colt when Adam took up the reins, stretching and bobbing his head.
 
" You old fool, you wanna take a run don't you?" Adam chided him. He glanced around looking for a place to let him go. Seeing what he thought would be the perfect spot, he turned him down the slope and onto level ground. Sport rose up briefly and then broke into an easy canter, and Adam loosened the reins in his hand. He made sure to listen to the horse's breathing but Sport seemed to be enjoying himself. Adam let him run for a few glorious minutes and then gradually pulled him back down to a walk. Sport snorted, tossing his head, but Adam held him back. Still not quite recovered from his day in the saddle the day before. When Adam returned to the house, he found everyone getting ready for breakfast. He helped his brothers finish the morning chores after tending to his horse.
 
" Lordy Adam, where you been this time of the morning?" Hoss asked as he pitched hay into each stall. Adam pulled the bucket out of each stall and went to the pump with them

" No place in particular, I saw daylight and decided to go for a little ride that's all" he explained.
 
Hoss stood up straight leaning on his pitchfork " Yeah you always was one for those early morning rides" he said looking reflective.
 
" Yeah well you fellas ought'a try it sometime, it sure puts things in perspective for you"
 
" Hey Adam what d'ya do when you're at sea and you feel like going for a ride?" Joe asked from his vantage in the loft.
 
" Well little brother, that's when I make sure I'm topside and at the helm. No matter where I am, I can always see the sky. I just look out across the water or up at the stars and dream"
 
Something triggered Joe's memory and he recalled a time when he was very small. It was shortly after his mother died he'd been about six years old. He had begged to go along on a cattle count with Adam. After his mother died he and Hoss had become very dependent on Adam, he was the rock that kept them grounded during a very turbulent time. Joe rode in front of Adam in the saddle and Adam let him guide the horse. Adam knew it made him feel grown up when he got to do things by himself, so he played the part of passenger. The further their chore took them from the house, the more concerned Joe grew. Adam was instructing him on where and when to turn but Joe had never ventured so far from home before.
 
" Adam you know how to get back?" he asked, trying not to show his fear.
 
" Sure I do" Adam said confidently.
 
There was a few minutes of silence as Joe glanced from side to side at all the unfamiliar scenery " Yeah but what if it gets dark, then we'd be lost right?"
 
Adam was glad Joe couldn't see his face " No, that's not so, I can always find my way back, I have a secret"
 
Joe turned to look up at his brother " What's that?"

It was moments like this that Adam cherished, the fun part about being a big brother. " Well if I tell you it wouldn't be a secret anymore" he teased.
 
" Oh come on Adam you can tell me" Joe pleaded.
 
" Well....... okay I'll tell ya. You see when it's dark you can find the North star, then you know which way is north, and if you know that you can always find you're way home"
 
" How'd you know about that?" Joe asked looking up at him again, forgetting to guide the horse who then wandered off the trail in the wrong direction.
 
" Hey pay attention to your horse there Buddy or we will be lost" Adam declared covering his brother's hand with his own and neck reining the horse back onto the trail.

Once that was accomplished Joe resumed his questioning " Well where'd you learn about that ole star?" Adam thought about it for a moment " I don't really remember, maybe Pa told me when I was a little boy like you. Or maybe I read it somewhere from a book. That's what's so great about books Little Joe, you can go just about anywhere in your mind. And no matter how much you read, you can never learn all there is to learn. I'm hoping real soon that I can go somewhere where I can learn all I possibly can, with all different kinds of books"

 
Joe looked up at him again " Where ya going?"
 
Adam looked down at his little brother's face, shining with adulation for him. He loved the child with all his heart, how could he explain to him that he was planning to go away to college. He'd been preparing and planning for a long time. When Little Joe's mother died everything had been put on hold.
 
" Joe.....”
 
Joe returned to the present. He heard his name but thought only in his mind
 
" Joe" Adam called again. This time Joe turned to look at him

" Joe you best pay attention to what you're doing or you're gonna fall out of there" Adam warned
 
" Doggone little brother, that Val must be something special for you to get calf eyed like that" Hoss teased
 
Joe frowned at them and finished his work, eager to get to breakfast After breakfast the three brothers went to town accompanied by Candy. As had become his habit, Adam hung back to watch and listen. Once they ran all their necessary errands Hoss suggested they go to the Bucket O Blood for a drink. Adam went along somewhat reluctantly. He thought about the talk with his father the night before but he couldn't help feeling like an outsider.

Later he sat at the bar while Hoss and Candy had a lively conversation that Adam knew nothing about. They were events he coudn't share, and names he didn't know. He turned his back to the bar to watch his youngest brother, who had joined a poker game. Joe loved to play the game, it didn't seem to matter to him that he lost a lot more than he won. Hoss and Candy turned around also as Joe raised the ante.
 
" Boy he sure likes his cards don't he?" Candy commented.
 
" He sure enough does" Hoss agreed.
 
Adam kept quiet, watching the men his brother was playing with.

" Adam you play?" Candy asked trying to create some conversation. One look at Adam's penetrating gaze made him wish he hadn't. He grew inwardly angry, what was his problem anyway? Candy felt he was really trying and Adam wouldn't even give him a chance.
 
" No I don't" Adam said evenly, unaware that he was staring at Candy and making him very uncomfortable. Candy looked away and decided to ignore Adam's indifference to him. He turned his attention back to the game just as a stranger joined them. He was dressed like a businessman and appeared to have just come in on the stage.

" Stranger in town" Hoss commented to no one in particular. The man took the deck and started dealing the cards, unaware of his captive audience at the bar. His actions were closely watched as the game lingered on.
 
" He's low carding" Candy hissed " Did you see that?"
 
Hoss had missed it, but Adam hadn't. Seeing that they weren't moving to do anything about it, Candy said " Well I think I better call him on this before he cleans up"
 
Adam grabbed Candy's arm " No don't interfere" he said.
 
Candy shook him off angrily " Don't tell me what to do Adam. You wait if you want, but I ain't about to wait until Joe calls him on it and winds up dead"
 
" Hey fellas ease up, Joe can handle himself " Hoss interjected, concerned about the anger that had flared up between his brother and friend.
 
" Look Candy or peppermint stick or whatever your name is, don't try to impress me with the hero big brother act. And let me remind you, you aren't his brother so back off" Adam said moving away from the bar. Candy did the same with the attention of everyone in attendance.
 
" Yeah well maybe I ain't his brother but at least I'm here. I ain't the one who walked out on his family" Candy shouted as Hoss pulled on his arm.
 
Adam drew back and punched him before Hoss could stop him. Enraged Candy retaliated with pent up anger. Soon people were backing up out of the way including those involved in the card game. Joe rushed over to Hoss' side.
 
" Hoss aren't you gonna stop them? What happened?"
 
Hoss at first, thought it best to let them go and get it out of their systems. But realizing the ruckus was getting out of hand Hoss rushed forward in time to stop Adam's onslaught.
 
" Let him go Hoss, he's been asking for it since he got here"

Candy demanded but Hoss held his brother fast.
 
Joe stepped in taking Candy by the arm and leading him away. Candy jerked his arm free just as they went through the swinging doors.
 
" What's a matter with you Adam, what do you got against that boy?" Hoss shouted.
 
" What're you doing sticking up for him?" Adam said pointing in the direction Candy had gone.
 
" Dadburnit Adam I ain't sticking up for nobody. I just don't understand what you're problem is, he ain't done nothing to you"
 
Adam slumped onto a bar stool, putting the back of his hand to the corner of his mouth .

" Maybe I'm just sick of him sticking his nose where it don't belong" he grumbled.
 
Joe stepped back inside the doors and looked toward the poker table. The players and all his money were gone.
 
" Adam, maybe you don't like it, but Candy is a good friend to me and Joe, and he's a good man. He makes it a habit of watching out for us because he cares. And the fact is we care about him too, whether you like it or not. If you didn't have that dadburn chip on your shoulder you'd see things in a whole different light"
 
Adam didn't look up but only continued to wipe at the blood on his face. " Pa made him foreman because he knows his stuff, he's the best we ever had. We invited him into our home because we wanted him with us. He never had much of a home but he's got one now, and a family too. You had all that too Adam but you didn't want it, it was never enough for you. You chose the kind of life you want to live and maybe it's time you got back to it" Hoss snapped not even realizing his anger had escalated, and then he left the saloon in a rage.
 
Adam sat stunned and then moved to one of the tables. He picked it up from the floor and righted it and a chair before sitting down. Joe still stood by the doors, unsure whether to stay or go. He watched Adam ask the bartender for a bottle and decided to join him. Adam looked up briefly as he picked up a chair and sat down.
 
" Well you got anything to add to Hoss' inspiring speech" he said sarcastically as he filled a glass.
 
Joe watched the glass fill, his expression passive " He didn't mean it Adam, he was just mad. It's just that Hoss and I li...."
 
" Yeah yeah I know" Adam cut in " You really like Candy, he's a great guy. I know all about it" he said dryly.
 
" What's wrong with that Adam? You make it sound like a crime equal to horse stealing. What exactly did he do to deserve the treatment you've given him, I don't get it"
 
Adam drained his glass and filled it again without comment. He knew he was wrong, but he didn't know how to explain his feelings Joe waited for an answer and when it didn't come he sadly shook his head and left the saloon.
 
Adam sat staring at the whiskey in his glass twirling it around. It reminded him of a raging sea and then he remembered Hoss' words. Maybe he was right, Adam thought, maybe it was time he returned to San Francisco. That was his home now, this one was forever lost to him. It took him several more drinks to make up his mind, and he got to his feet somewhat unsteadily and stumbled out to his horse. It was dark and he nearly lost his footing as he walked down the stairs but somehow managed to get on his horse. He concentrated on staying mounted and let Sport find his way home. He found himself in the front yard with no memory of how he got there. Sport stopped in front of the tie rail and waited patiently while Adam dismounted. He leaned against his horse trying to focus on the house in front of him. He never realized before how far it was to the porch. When the spinning stopped he moved unsteadily toward the house. He was doing fine until he missed the step up and would've fallen if strong arms hadn't grabbed him at that moment.
 
" Pa what are you doing here?" Adam said when his vision cleared.
 
" Never mind that, let's get you inside and see if we can get some coffee in you" Ben grumbled taking his arm and starting to lead him inside. Adam resisted and suddenly pulled free and rushed to the side of the house. He returned a few minutes later and sat on the porch, his mouth was dry and he'd broke out in a cold sweat " I don't feel so good "
 
Ben sighed and sat down next to him. Hoss and Joe had told him what had happened in town, but it was still out of character for Adam to be in this condition.
 
" Well it's little wonder Son" Ben said and took his arm getting him to his feet again and taking him inside. He led him to the sofa and Adam collapsed there while Ben went into the kitchen. He returned shortly after with a pot of coffee and sat down on the edge of the sofa.
 
" I don't even remember the last time I saw you in this condition" Ben commented and sympathetically put a hand on his back " Adam, you mind telling me what happened today?"
 
" Oh Pa, please, I don't wanna talk about it" Adam groaned. He lay on his stomach with his arms folded and his face buried in them.

Ben sighed and reached for the coffeepot, filling a cup halfway. " Come on Son, sit and drink some of this"
 
" I can't Pa, just let me sleep please" Adam pleaded without picking his head up.
 
Ben chuckled " A little seasick huh, come on let's give it a try" he said again tugging on Adam's arm.
 
Adam slowly rose to a sitting position instantly sick to his stomach. The room started to waver and Ben put an arm around him for support holding the cup to his lips. Adam took a few agonizing sips to satisfy his father and then pushed the cup away.
Adam held his head in his hands and moaned.

" I think we should talk about what happened tonight" Ben said again. But Adam only pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut " Please Pa, not tonight. I'm sorry about what happened but I don't want to talk about it now" Adam insisted, his head was spinning madly so he lay on the sofa again and prayed for it to stop.
 
" I don't know what happened Pa, it was my fault, I'm sorry" Ben patted his shoulder " Shhhhhh it's okay Adam we'll talk about it tomorrow, just go to sleep now" he said quietly. Adam closed his eyes all to happy to oblige.
 
Chapter 7
 
No one mentioned the fight over the next couple days, but the tension in the air was obvious to everyone involved. Hoss wasn't speaking to Adam, Candy stayed away from the house as much as possible, and Joe felt like he was caught in the middle. Ben observed all this and considered cancelling the party he'd planned for Adam. But he decided in time they would all work their problems out. Adam made frequent trips to town, praying the telegram from Captain Murphy would come, but it didn't. He was dreading the party his father had already told everyone about, it seemed so senseless now. He thought things had never looked worse as he stood on the porch watching the rainfall. Ben joined him a while later. He sat in the rocking chair and lit his pipe, while studying his son. He took several puffs on his pipe and then leaned back.
 
" Any word from your Captain Murphy?" he asked.
 
Adam turned his back against the wall and sighed " No sir not yet"
 
" You sound disappointed"
 
" Do I?" Adam said knowing perfectly well that he did.
 
" Well I guess that's because I am"
 
Ben stopped the rocking of the chair and leaned forward. " Adam why don't you fellas just talk this thing out, I hate to see you waste the time you have"
 
Adam looked back out to the yard, the rain had slowed to a drizzle " Looks like it stopped, I'm gonna go for a walk"
 
" What? Adam it may start up again" Ben reminded him Adam smiled just a little " Oh Pa come on, this is nothing compared to the gales at sea. I'll be back shortly, I just need some air, don't worry" he said and stepped off the porch, pulling his hat down snug.
 

The following morning everyone seemed to be in a better mood and that was a relief to Ben. Candy came promptly at seven to go over the day's plan with Ben, and then quickly left. Hoss and Joe had only the home chores to worry about with Candy handling the ranch's operations, and they finished them up quickly. Right after breakfast, Joe rode away.
 
" Where's he going?" Adam asked his father as he watched him disappear around the corner.
 
" Oh in to town to invite Val out for dinner today" Ben said.
 
" You mean I finally get to meet her? She must be something special"
 
" Well to Joe she is, actually he's been seeing her quite steady for the last six months, so I have a good feeling about her"
 
" Well this will be an enlightening evening then" Adam commented.
 
Ben unfolded his arms and turned to Adam " Yeah that reminds me, we have some other guests joining us for dinner too, so make sure you look your best"
 
Adam furrowed his brows " Yeah who?" " You'll see" Ben said with a wink and left him standing alone. Adam tryed to find out the identity of the guests several times, but it was Ben that Adam had inherited his stubborness from, and he wasn't giving an inch.

Adam was in the yard when they arrived and was pleased to see it was the Bishops, including his former traveling companion, Lucille. After introductions were made, Lucille agreed to take a ride with Adam. He drove the surrey up by the lake and stopped there so she could see the view.
 
" Oh Adam, what a beautiful sight" Lucille exclaimed breathlessly.
 
" Isn't it, I think it's a favorite spot for everyone in the family"
 
" Well I can see why"
 
" Hey let's go down to the water's edge" Adam suggested as he jumped down. He helped Lucille down and grabbed a blanket from the seat. Lucille picked the perfect spot and Adam set the blanket on the sand and they sat down together. Neither of them spoke for a long time, each of them lost in thought

" So how's the visit home going?" Lucille asked when she turned back to her companion .

" Oh alright I guess, we've had a few problems but nothing we can't work out. How about you?"
 
" Well I guess you could say my father accomplished what he came for" Lucille said, a strange look crossing her face.
 
" Does that mean you'll be going back soon?"

Lucille shook her head " No only my father will be going back, I'll be staying"
 
Adam's eyebrows shot up " Oh, what made you decide to stay?" he asked with interest.
 
At first she looked at him like he was out of his mind, then she seemed to recover and said " Well it was mostly my fathers idea, and I agreed it's probably the best thing"
 
Adam studied her face, curious about the sadness in her eyes " You don't seem very happy about the idea, is there something wrong?"
 
Lucille turned to him and opened her mouth as if to tell him something important. But then she quickly dropped her eyes and folded her hands on her lap. She sighed deeply and gazed up at him again " Adam let's go back now" she said softly.
 
Adam hesitated, something was clearly distressing her but he wasn't sure he knew her well enough to press the issue " Are you sure I can't help?" he asked placing a hand over hers.
 
She smiled appreciatively " Oh no Adam, really it's nothing, female sentiment is all, I'm fine"
 
Adam stood then, taking her hand and helping her to her feet. " Alright if you're sure. But if there's anything you ever want to talk about, please let me know"
 
Lucille still held his hand and for a moment, Adam thought she was going to cry. Once again she seemed to regain her composure and with a smile walked to the coach. Adam followed somewhat puzzled, but he didn't ask her anymore about it. They made the ride back to the house in complete silence, neither of them sure what to say to the other. When they pulled into the yard, they found Ben on the porch with her father and uncle caught up in lively conversation. Adam and Lucille joined them and sat next to each other on a bench.
 
" Well we wondered when you two would get back, dinner will be ready in about an hour, according to number one cook" Ben announced happily.
 
" Lucille did you enjoy your ride?" her father asked.
 
" Oh yes Father, it was lovely. You must take a ride up to the lake, it's absolutely gorgeous"
 
Adam saw a look pass between father and daughter and secretly wished he could read their minds. Something was definately going on with them, but he hadn't a clue what it could be. All eyes looked up at the approach of a carriage, it's passengers were Joe and his lady friend Val. Adam watched her as Joe helped her down from the carriage. She was dark haired and small statured, and very attractive he thought. He noticed the bright blue of her eyes when her gaze met his.
 
Joe held her arm as he introduced her " Folks, may I introduce Miss Valerie Martin"
 
Introductions were made all around and everyone sat down again to talk. Joe and Val sat next to Adam and Lucille while Ben and the Bishop men continued their own conversation.
 
" Adam I'm glad to finally get to meet you, your brother talks about you often" Val said leaning over Joe.
 
" Oh really" Adam said raising an eyebrow " Well I hope you'll give me the chance to defend myself in any of his statements"
 
Val laughed good naturedly " Oh no, he had only good things to say about you I assure you" she said .

" Oh well that's comforting, but now I feel kind've guilty for not returning the favor" Adam teased winking at Joe, making sure he knew it was a joke. He and Hoss were still not on the best of terms and he didn't want to do anything to get Joe riled at him too.

Everyone was having a good time when Hoss returned and joined the group. Time seemed to pass very quickly as Hop Sing soon came out and announced that dinner was ready. It was dark when Joe left to take Val back to town, and the Bishops soon followed. Ben and Adam stood watching the lantern lights fading away, then Ben stretched and yawned.
 
" Well that was a wonderful dinner wasn't it son?" Adam nodded and he too yawned loudly. Ben saw this and then suddenly feeling vibrant, slapped him on the back.
 
" Hey, race you back to the porch" he challenged One corner of Adam's mouth turned up slightly.
 
" Have you taken leave of your senses?" he asked.
 
" Why, what's wrong Son, don't think you can beat the old man?" Ben said giving him a playful shove.
 
Adam's grin widened and moving next to his father he said " Alright old man, say go"
 
The two men lined up and giving Adam a wink Ben cried " GO!"
 
They matched each other stride for stride and then just feet away from the porch Ben pulled ahead of Adam and jumped up on the porch first. Adam was quickly beside him and each of them stopped to catch their breath, laughing in between gasps.
 
" Well what d'ya say now boy" Ben declared.
 
Adam flopped into a chair " Well sir, I didn't want to be didsrespectful so I let you win"
 
Ben laughed and patted his shoulder " Yeah sure you did" he said and turned to go inside, feeling rather pleased with himself. It was a game he'd seen his sons engage in many, many times. And one he himself had participated in now and then in the past when the boys were younger. Adam rose to follow his father, when Ben suddenly stopped walking and put a hand to his chest. Adam quickly moved to his side.
 
" You alright Pa?" he asked worriedly, seeing the palor of his father's face.
 
Ben forced a smile " Of course I'm alright, your old man is as fit as ever and don't you forget it" he said.
 
Adam didn't return the smile though and seeing this Ben cupped a hand behind Adam's neck " Adam I'm fine, I just got a stitch in my side. Come on let's have a celebration drink"
 
Ben walked through the door, but Adam didn't follow. He stood outside the open door thinking about his father. And when he remembered that Ben was nearly sixty years old, he felt as if the floor had given way beneath him. In all his years Adam had never thought of his father as old until that very moment, and it left him feeling depressed and guilty.
 
" Adam you coming?" Ben called from inside.
 
Adam did his best to shake the feeling of dread and took a deep breath.
 
" Yeah I'm coming Pa" he said, his voice nearly giving him away.
 
Chapter 8
 
Trying to be as discreet as possible, Adam stayed close to his father. He observed him from a distance most of the time, and tried to take a closer look whenever possible. He saw signs of his father's aging that he hadn't noticed before. He saw the the strain of years of struggle and responsibility in his eyes, on his face, and in the way he moved. And it was then that Adam began to ask himself, wasn't his place here? Shouldn't he be here now taking over as much of the responsibilty as possible to make things easier for his father? That was what Ben had intended all along, that Adam would take over the majority of ranch operations.
 
Adam sat looking out over the lake, guilt weighing heavy on his mind. He looked down at the headstone at his feet and shuddered, did he want to come home some day and look down at his father's name on a stone too? How much time did he have left to be with his family, weren't they all getting older? And then he thought about the woman who loved him, and he had to admit, that he loved too. She was waiting for him, on a cattle station in Australia, and she continued to wait. Adam was the one who couldn't seem to commit himself one way or the other. And who also couldn't admit that it was fear that kept him away. And he knew then that he needed to go back to her, and ask her to marry him. Then perhaps he could talk her into coming back here to the Ponderosa.

They could live here; he could build her a house right nearby, and they could raise their own family. Quite suddenly doubt crossed his mind, what if she didn't want to leave her home? He wasn't sure she even knew how he felt about her, Lord knew he hadn't been very honest with her or himself. He knew he had to make some decisions. And one of them might be to leave the sea behind, just as his father had done so many years before. He had one more year of service with Captain Murphy and then he would be free to go where he wanted. He could not imagine not fulfilling his obligation to the Captain. His Grandfather, a sea Captain himself, would turn end for end in his grave should Adam do a thing like that.

Adam sighed wearily and walked back to his horse and climbed on. He turned back to the ranch having resolved only one problem, he had to talk to Victoria back in Australia, he would ask her to marry him. But after that he wasn't sure what to do, he wasn't sure where his place was and what his responsibilty would be. The best plan would be to have Vicki come back with him and live on the Ponderosa, so that he could be close to his family and assume his rightful place. But whether of not she would agree to that was still doubtful, they had never even talked about marriage, much less moving her away from her home and family. Thinking it over, Adam thought she might agree, she already lived on a ranch of sorts in her homeland, so there wouldn't be that difficult of an adjustment for her after all. The more he thought about it the better he began to feel, there may be hope after all. He rode into the yard and found his father chopping wood, and quickly dismounted and rushed to retreive the axe from his father's grasp.
 
" Pa, I'll do this" he exclaimed nearly causing Ben to drop the axe in midair.
 
" Oh Adam really, you've been like a mother hen these last few days. Stop fussing over me, I told you I'm as fit as ever"
 
Adam faltered for a moment " Well Pa, I wasn't implying that you weren't, I just thought you could use a break is all"
 
Ben started to argue the point further, but instead handed over the axe with a smile " Alright son, but I don't want you following me around and fussing over me anymore, understood?"
 
Adam's cheeks colored and he took the axe, averting his eyes as much as possible " Alright Pa, sorry about that, I guess you just scared me the other night that's all"
 
" I know I did son, but I told you that was nothing didn't I?" Adam nodded " Yes sir you did"
 
Ben sat down and cleared his throat " Alright then, let's see what you can do with that pile"
 
Adam sighed with relief and went to work on the woodpile as Ben sat and rested, wiping his brow with his kerchief. After a time Adam straightened up to rest " Pa I was just thinking, I have just about a year left with Captain Murphy"
 
Ben listened with interest, wondering what he might be thinking " Yes, I'm listening"
 
" Well, it's just that, I was wondering. Well what would you say if I told you I might be thinking about coming back here to help run the ranch again?"
 
Ben had to restrain himself from jumping up with joy " Are you asking me for permission?" he said.
 
Adam smiled " Well no not exactly, I was just wondering what you thought of the idea. I mean it would mean a lot of adjustments for everybody, I couldn't just come back and take up where I left off. It would have to be a mutual agreement for everyone...including Candy"
 
Ben was having a hard time containing his smile " What about Captain Murphy, you weren't thinking of shirking your duty were you? I don't have to tell you what your Grandfather would think of that do I?"
 
" No sir you sure don't. No Pa I'm talking about after our contract is up. We could live in our own place and I could take over whatever responsibilities you suggest, it might make things a lot easier for everyone, I know how those brothers of mine hate handling the paperwork end of things"
 
" We?" Ben remarked having caught the use of the plural.

 Adam quickly reddened " Oh....well, sir that was something I was meaning to tell you about too. You see there's this young lady that I've been neglecting and I was thinking it's about time I go ahead and ask her to be my wife. She lives in Australia now, but I'm sure I could persuade her to come here. I'd love for you all to meet her"
 
Ben felt his chest swell, this was getting better and better. " Of course we'd love to meet her, but Adam, are you sure about all this? You know how restless you get, you have always been the boy with the wanderlust" Ben reminded him.
 
Adam sat down next to his father " Well sir, maybe I've pretty near gotten all that out of my system for now"
 
" Well son, if you sure that's what you want to do, then by all means it's fine with me" Ben declared putting an arm around his shoulder.
 
" Thanks Pa" Adam said with a smile that went straight to Ben's heart. It was all he could do to keep from taking him in his arms. Rather than embarrass him, he gave his shoulders a squeeze instead.
 
" Now quit stalling and get back to work" Ben said and slapped him on the back. Adam laughed and rising; picked up the ax and attacked the pile with new energy.
 
Chapter 9

The morning of Adam's long awaited party dawned bleak and rainy. Adam thought it matched his mood perfectly, he still hadn't managed to make up with Hoss or Candy. And still couldn't seem to decide what he should do with his future. Captain Murphy's last telegram said repairs were taking longer than anticipated, which was great news for Ben, but a prolonging of indecision for Adam. He felt like he couldn't think clearly surrounded by his family, and that probably the best thing to do was get away for awhile. Now he stood next to his father inside the door, greeting people, some that he hadn't seen in many years. And some he'd never met before.

Adam shifted uncomfortably and tugged at the tightness of the collar at his throat. He longed to pull the tie loose and skip the whole get together, but he didn't want to disappoint his father who had looked forward to the party since his return. Adam felt his spirits lift a little when Joe came in with Val and gave him a playful punch on the arm. He watched them move to the floor and dance with the other guests, he thought they looked good together and was pleased for his brother. He scanned the crowd and saw Hoss too, dancing with a young lady whose name escaped him.
 
" Well I think just about everyone is here, come on son I want to introduce you to everybody" Ben said taking hold of his arm.
 
" Oh Pa, can't we just skip that little formality and just blend in?" Adam groaned.
 
But Ben didn't seem to hear him and pulled him in front of the musicians. Adam adjusted his coat as Ben addressed the crowd.
 
" Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to thank you all for coming tonight to help us celebrate this very special homecoming. Many of you have known my son in the past, but for those of you who haven't, I'd like to present, my eldest son Adam"
 
The guest applauded enthusiastically as Adam gave a slight bow and motioned them to silence. " Thank you, all of you, for coming. And I'd especially like to thank my family for this party. Like my father said it's a celebration so I suggest we get to it " Adam said loudly and clapped his hands together.
 
The people applauded again and then quickly dispersed in different directions while Adam motioned for the musicians to start playing again. The room soon filled with the music, and the sound of happy voices and laughter. It was Ben's favorite sound and he stood back absorbing it all. Adam moved through the crowd stopping to chat with people whenever possible. He kept moving until he found who he was looking for. Lucille smiled at his approach, her eyes glowed with pleasure.
 
" Well, hello guest of honor, how does it feel to be so popular?" she teased as he stood next to her.
 
" It feels strange, a feeling I'll never get used to. I was just wondering if I couldn't persuade you to join me for a dance?"
 
Lucille held her hand out to him for an answer, he took it an led her out to the floor. The couple twirled around the floor, enjoying the flow of music. Adam brushed past Hoss and his companion and was quite surprised to see Hoss smile as they passed by.
 
Lucille saw the expression on his face " Adam what's wrong?"
 
Adam was still looking after Hoss, then turned his attention back to Lucille " Oh nothing, I guess Hoss just confirmed what I always knew about him"

" Well that's good right?" she asked.
 
Adam broke out in a broad grin and pulled her closer " Yes Ma'am it sure is " he said and picked up the pace of their dance.

When the dance ended, the crowd stood applauding before the musicians. Adam watched curiously as Joe walked up to Fred, the fiddle player, and whispered something to him. Fred nodded and addressed the crowd as Joe moved back beside Val. Adam turned to look back at his brother but Joe was now whispering to Val.
 
" Ladies and Gentleman, it has been brought to my attention that our guest of honor, has a bit of talent that he may be persuaded to share with us" Fred said loudly " Why don't we get him to sing us a song with your applause as encouragement"
 
The room quickly filled with thunderous clapping and Adam turned back to Joe, who gave an innocent shrug. Adam felt himself being pushed from behind and heard Hoss' voice say.
 
" Come on Adam, let's have a sample, get on up there”
 
" I'll be right back" he told Lucille and gave in to the inevitable. He was handed a guitar and he spent several minutes getting the feel of it. He seemed hesitant at first but as the song played out, his confidence grew and his rich voice, stilled the onlookers into silence. No one danced, no one moved, they all stood like statues listening to him sing. And when he finished they asked for more. It was some four songs later that Adam begged off, and returned to Lucille's side. The guests crowded around him and gave their praise, including his father and brothers. When the others left, Lucille turned to him

" Why Adam Cartwright, what other surprises have you got up .your sleeve? That was just beautiful, you should be a professional performer"
 
" No I don't think so, I wouldn't consider singing my forte" he said " Speaking of surprises could I possibly interest you in getting some air?"
 
Lucille slipped her arm through his " Why I'd be delighted" she said and together they walked out to the porch. They sat down together and watched the rainfall.
 
Inside Joe and Val were still dancing, when she said " Oh Adam's gone outside with that girl"
 
Joe looked toward the door and back at Val " So?"
 
" Oh Joe, I think Adam is just wonderful, no wonder you talked about him so often"
 
Joe nodded, but was now studying Val curiously. When the dance ended Val suggested they have some punch. They walked to the punch bowl hand and hand, with Joe now wearing a frown
.
" Are you having fun?" he asked Val
 
" Oh yes, I'm so glad I came. Where's Candy though I haven't seen him tonight or last week?"
 
" Oh he and Adam had a fight in town. Candy has been keeping himself scarce since then, I guess they don't like each other much" Joe said dryly.
 
Val pursed her lips together and looked toward the door " That sure doesn't sound like either one of them. Candy is so sweet and mellow, and Adam seems just as nice"
 
Joe turned to her, his voice touched with anger " Yeah so you said"
 
Val looked at him somewhat surprised by the tone of his voice " Well Joe, he does. And he's very handsome too" she said with a smile that didn't quite make it to her eyes .

Joe reached for her arm " Let's dance" he said pulling her back out to the floor. They danced without conversation this time, Val sensing that Joe was upset with her. When Adam and Lucille came back inside Joe turned his glare to them and Val than knew the reason for his disdain.
 
" Joe take me home now" Val said moving away from him and toward the door. Joe attempted to take her arm but she was already out the door and on the porch. Their actions did not go unnoticed by Joe's father or brothers.

" I wonder what that was all about?" Lucille said curiously
 
" I don't know" Adam mused.
 
Joe came back inside looking very upset a short time later. Ben went to talk to him and Adam could see it was serious. He walked over to find out what it was about.  
" Hey Joe everything alright, I saw Val leave"
 
" As if you didn't know, why'd you bother to come home" he snapped angrily and walked back out the door.
 
Ben gripped Adam's arm " Don't pay any attention to him Adam" But Adam brushed past him and went out
.
He sat on the porch and looked at the rain soaked ground. The rain was still coming down and he could hear the rumble of thunder in the distance " Mind if I join you?"
 
Adam looked up to find Lucille standing next to him " Sure, might as well"
 
Lucille sat quietly next to him, letting him have his time to think. When she finally spoke, it was soft and comforting. " I take it your trip home hasn't turned out like you'd hoped?"
 
Adam gave a short laugh " There's an understatement" he quipped.
 
" Yes it's always tough when reality slaps us in the face isn't it?"
 
Adam looked at her and smiled " You sure have a way of speaking plain, don't you?"
 
Lucille returned the smile " Yes I do" she agreed. The band began to play inside and with a leap she jumped off the porch and began to twirl around in the rain. Adam watched her, not quite sure what to think. She turned her face up to the sky and closed her eyes and when she opened them again she held her hands out to Adam.
 
" Come on Adam, let's dance" she said.

A smile played on Adam's face " Are you crazy? It's raining"
 
" Yes I am, let's be crazy together and forget our problems for awhile" she suggested.
 
Later when Ben stepped outside for some air he was flabbergasted at the sight of his son and Lucille twirling around the yard laughing happily. With a smile he shook his head and went back inside to give them their privacy.

When they were out of breath, Adam and Lucille returned to the porch where Adam pulled a blanket off the back of the rocking chair and wrapped it around them.
 
" Wasn't that exhilarating?" Lucille gushed.
 
Adam shook his head " That wasn't quite the word I had in mind. We should get out of these wet clothes"

" Alright you first" she said looking directly at him. At first she met his bewildered stare, but then quickly started to giggle.
 
Adam joined her and then abruptly turned serious " You know I envy you, you seem so happy with yourself"
 
" Aren't you Adam?"
 
Adam didn't answer right away; he had to consider that kind of question " You know I don't know. When I came home I knew exactly where I was and where I was going. The proverbial plan was all layed out for me. Now I feel like I don't know what to do, should I stay or go? I'm really afraid that I've lost something I can't ever get back"
 
" Adam I think what it really comes down to is are you happy? It doesn't matter where you are, as long as you're happy"
 
Adam ran his fingers through his hair " I was, I'm sure I was absolutely content. But now.... now that I've come home I can see that I definitely gave up something important and maybe, just maybe I made the wrong decision"
 
Lucille sat quietly nodding " Yes it's tough to know at the time isn't it. Time is the one thing we have no control over and yet we still manage to waste so much of it. I hope I don't someday regret leaving my family too"
 
Adam looked up at her and saw the same sadness in her eyes that he'd seen before " Why did you say you want to leave your family?"
 
Lucille shook her head " I never did say, only that I have" she said and then began to bite her bottom lip. She looked up at Adam somewhat tensely " Adam I know I don't know you that well but I'd like to believe that we're friends. My instincts tell me that I can trust you and that no matter what I tell you, you won't judge me, is that right?"
 
Adam nodded watching her squeeze her hands together nervously He reached out and held them until she looked up at him. With a weak smile, she sighed and began " Did you notice that my father introduced me as Lucille Baldwin?" she asked him.
 
Adam shook his head; he hadn't even noticed the use of a last name when she was introduced to him.
 
" Well that is how I'm to be known from now on, the widow Baldwin. And I'm to remain here with my uncle until my family deems it safe for me to return home"
 
Adam was still looking at her, his expression passive.
 
" Don't you see Adam, I've disgraced the family name. There is nor ever was a Mr. Baldwin. I'm with child Adam and without a husband" She watched his face but there was only a slight change in his expression.
 
" Are you shocked?" she asked him

" I'd be lying if I said otherwise" he said honestly.
 
Lucille dropped her eyes " Well it's no matter now, I felt I could trust you with the truth and regardless you'll be gone soon and we'll never see each other again"

She tried to pull her hand away but Adam surprised her by holding on " Lucille I said I was shocked, but I see no reason to hold that against you. Every human being makes mistakes, we're entitled to make mistakes, it's what makes us the people we are"
 
" That's what frightens me Adam, I will go along with my parent's wishes that I stay here. But after that I will have to decide on my own what's best for my baby and myself. I just pray that when all is said and done, that I will make the right decisions"
 
Adam clenched his jaw " That's the curse of it all isn't it? Once you realize you've made the wrong decision, it's too late"
 
" No Adam, you're wrong, it's never too late" she cried determination etched on her face " The difference here Adam is you still have a choice"
 
Their eyes locked for several minutes and realizing the truth of her words, Adam was filled with sadness for her and himself. Not knowing what else to do he put his arms around her and held her.

Later that evening when the guests left there was still no sign of Joe. Adam stood watching everyone leave beside his father and brother.
 
" Don't worry about Joe Adam, he'll be along as soon as he has time to cool off" Ben said with an arm around his shoulder.
 
Adam nodded even though he wasn't quite so sure " Well that was a great party Pa, I'm worn out I'm going to bed" Hoss announced " Good night fellas " he said and slapped Adam on the back. It was a gesture that told Adam that with Hoss at least, he was forgiven.

After he was gone, Ben squeezed his shoulders " Rough night huh?"
 
Adam nodded " I think I made a mistake" he said.
 
" Oh Adam, you know how hot tempered he can be, that's one thing that hasn't changed. As soon as he...."
 
" No Pa, that's not what I mean" Adam cut in " I mean I think my coming home was a mistake"
 
Ben felt dread wash over him " Adam that isn't so"
 
" Well maybe not but I think tomorrow if there's still no word from the Captain, I'll take the next stage to San Francisco, maybe stay with the Colliers until we're ready to set sail again"
 
Ben tried to think of something to say but words escaped him.
 
" I'm glad I got to come here and see you and my brothers Pa, but I've realized over these few weeks, that this isn't my home anymore. I willingly gave that up, and I have no right to come back here and create problems that weren't there before. I'm just a visitor here, and that's all. And there comes a time for every visitor to say goodbye" Adam said and walked away before Ben had time to respond.

Chapter 10
 
Adam took a ride to the lake to see if it had dried up sufficeintly since the rains of the last few days. His fathter wanted to have a family picnic before Adam went back to San Francisco and he'd taken it upon himself to check it out. As he rode in the direction of the lake he rode by one of the streams and found Candy struggling to pull fallen tree limbs from the water where they had damed up a vital water supply to summer pasture land. He rode closer and sat on his horse watching for some time before Candy noticed him Candy stood up straight and removed his hat, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.
 
" Well am I doing it right?" he asked sarcastically.
 
Adam grinned and swung a leg over the saddle horn " Could you use a hand? I see those branches are putting up quite a fight"
 
Candy nodded and gave a short laugh " Yeah as a matter of fact I could, if you're not too busy that is"
 
Adam hopped down off his horse and splashed into the stream until he was beside Candy.
 
" Shall we?" he said indicating the large branch Candy had been struggling with.Working together they dislodged the remaining branches lodged in the stones . They then went to work enlarging the flow of water, working in silence until the water flowed freely again. Then the two men climbed up on the bank and sat down. There was an awkward between them until Adam cleared his throat and spoke up " Candy I came down here to apologize for the way I've been acting. I know it's no excuse but I was jealous, and I acted like a child. I'm sorry".
 
Candy sat silently regarding him for a moment " You know I should probably hate you, but I don't. And I guess the reason I don't is because I knew underneath it all, you are exactly what your brothers said you were. As soon as I met you, I felt like I already knew you "
 
" You did huh?" Adam quipped .

Candy smiled and wrapped his arms around his knees " Adam you know how many times I heard the words 'my brother Adam this and my brother Adam that'. You have something that I'll never have, this is your family, not mine. And when you came back I felt like an outsider for the first time, and I have to tell you I was just as jealous as you are"
 
Adam smiled and looked at the ground, he poked at a stone with the heel of his boot while Candy continued.
 
" I love your family Adam, and I guess they like me alright, but they're not my blood. They love you more than anything, I hope you know how lucky you are, cause there isn't any better feeling in the world then to know that your loved. As soon as I signed on here I could feel something was missing, there was a void of some kind. It didn't take me long to figure out what it was. I haven't taken your place Adam, I've just taken their focus off of it for awhile"
 
Adam looked up and smiled " I appreciate that Candy, and I am sorry for being such a jerk"
 
Candy laughed " Yeah you have been that, that's for sure" he said grinning " I guess we didn't get off to a great start but I'm willing to start over if you are"
 
As an answer Adam held his hand out and they shook on it. Adam then stood up and wiped his pants off " I'll be here for a couple more days, don't stay away Candy, they miss you" Adam told him.
 
" Yeah well I'll be around”
 
Adam looked around him and then back at Candy " Hey listen Candy, my father wants to have a little family picnic, will you come?"
 
Candy pursed his lips together thoughtfully, then turned to Adam " Alright Adam, you let me know when and I'll be there"
 
" Good, listen I have to get into town and see about a telegram, I'll see you at the house for dinner"
 
Candy nodded his assent and walked to his horse and got on. He picked up his reins and called " Hey Adam, thanks for sharing"
 
" You're welcome" Adam said with a smile and a tip of his hat. He turned his horse toward town while Candy rode back out to the herd.
 
Joe had already been in town since morning. He'd been to see Val first thing to try to apologize to her. When he first went to her house, she wouldn't come to the door. But after an hour of Joe's insistent pleading she finally relented and joined him on her porch. They sat quietly for some time, Joe struggling for the right words, and Val waiting to hear what he had to say
.
" Val I didn't mean to be so harsh with you, I..I... I just get so jealous, I can't help myself"
 
Val turned on him angrily " Well let me tell you something Joseph Cartwright, I have been quite clear about my feelings for you, but if your faith in me is that small, maybe I should take another look"

" No Val please, I said I was sorry. Just don't say that, give me another chance" Joe pleaded.
 
" I don't understand you Joe, you've talked about your brother since I met you, how much you admired him and everything. I show the least bit of interest in him and you act like a spoiled child. He's your brother, and he seems very nice. I wanted to let you know that I liked him, and you act like he's an old beau.
 
I'm not sure I want to deal with your insecurities Little Joe"
 
" Val please, I made a mistake, I'm sorry. I do trust you and my brother. I'm gonna apologize to him too, honestly. What can I do to prove I'm sorry"
 
Val shook her head " Oh Little Joe, I know exactly the kind of man I want, and if you think it's you, you have to start having a little trust in me"
 
When she looked at Joe he sat with his head down and her anger melted away " Oh Joe I want to know that you trust me, just as I trust you. Without that we'll never be able to stay together, I don't want to worry about every little thing I say or do. And I want us to be together Little Joe, don't you?"
 
Joe raised his eyes to meet hers " Yes I do, if you'll forgive me" Val ran her fingers through his hair and kissed him and Joe knew than he'd been forgiven. Later he walked to the mercantile for supplies when he heard someone calling his name. He turned to see the telegrapher running toward him.
 
" Little Joe this telegram just come for Adam, can you see that he gets it?"

Joe took the telegram from him " Yeah sure Marty, I'll give it to him"
 
He watched the telegrapher run back to his office and stood looking at the telegram. It was the news Adam had been waiting for, the Seeker was seaworthy again and would be leaving San Francisco on Tuesday morning, in little more than a week. Joe looked up and down the street, he felt confused. Then his gaze fell on the telegram again. If he didn't give Adam the telegram then he would have to stay. But what if Adam found out later on? When he brought his eyes up he saw Adam across the street at the telegrapher's window. He had a sudden strange impulse to run, but he didn't move. He watched as Adam came toward him. Adam stood before him expecting Joe to hand the telegram to him, but he didn't.
 
" Is that for me?" Adam finally asked

Joe bit his lip, he was having trouble finding his voice " Adam, I'm sorry about what happened at the party. That wasn't your fault, it was me"
 
Adam still held his hand out but seeing that Joe wasn't ready to give up the telegram, he dropped his hand back to his side. He was disturbed by Joe's expression, so he took his arm.

" Come on let's go over here and talk" he said. They crossed the street and sat on a bench in front of the barber's shop. Adam cleared his throat and looked up at the sign over their heads.

" I'll bet this is the closest you've been to this place in months" he said with a chuckle, but Joe didn't share the laugh.
 
He was still biting his lip anxiously, trying to decide what he wanted to say, he didn't look up " Look Adam, I didn't mean what I said the other night. I'm really happy you came home, but you know me, throw a girl in the situation and I lose all sense of reason"
 
Adam sat back and smiled in total agreement.
 
" It's just that Val is special" Joe said "And I just know that she's the one. I can feel it when we're together, this time I know for sure" he said and then looked up at his brother " I'm going to ask her to marry me Adam, this Christmas. I already have the ring and everything, I wanna get married in the spring"
 
Joe hestitated, he hadn't told anyone about his plans yet " The reason I'm telling you all this is....well I'd really like you to be there, if she says yes that is"
 
" I wouldn't miss it for the world Buddy" Adam answered quickly.

Joe's face broke out in a broad grin and he sighed happily. Then his eyes fell back to the telegram and he quickly sobered.
 
" I wasn't going to give you this" he mumbled " I thought if you didn't know about it then you'd have to stay"
 
He held the telegram out to Adam without looking at him and Adam took it. He scanned it quickly and then looked back at his brother, the telegram felt foreign in his hands.
 
" Listen Joe, I'm planning on getting married myself, real soon if at all possible. And I'm going to ask her to come back here with me, to live"
 
Joe looked up then, searching Adam's face " To live? You mean you're gonna come back to stay?"
 
" Well after I finish my obligation to Captain Murphy, and if I can persuade Vicki to leave Australia, I'd sure like to"
 
" That's great!" Joe exclaimed. And they both broke out laughing. " By the way Adam, sorry about ruining your party"
 
" Oh that's okay, I practically raised you myself, I'm used to your temper tantrums"
 
Joe grinned, he knew he was only joking, and sadly that Adam was probably right. But Joe made a promise to himself that he would never fly off the handle like that again. Because Val was that important to him, he wouldn't do anything to risk losing her.
 
" Well Joe, what d'ya say we get on home" Adam said throwing an arm around his shoulder.
 
" Oh shoot, I just remembered" Joe said bolting up " I have pick up the mail and supplies for Pa. Wait here, I'll be right back" Joe said and hurried off Adam watched him scramble across the street and sat shaking his head, a peaceful smile on his face.

Chapter 11
 
Adam and Lucille walked hand and hand behind her uncle's house, both feeling a touch of sadness. They knew it was perhaps the last time they would ever see each other. They came to a tree with large branches whose leaves created an inviting canopy. They seated themselves on an old tree stump and looked around themselves taking in the view.
 
" Three days to go" Lucille said as if reading Adam's thoughts .Adam nodded; the time seemed to have flown by since he received the telegram. And now there didn't seem to be enough time to do and say all he wanted to.
 
" Yes it went by rather quickly" he said.
 
" I thought so too, my father returned to San Francisco yesterday you know" Lucille told him.

" No I didn't know, so how are you doing? Do you think you'll be alright?"
 
Lucille smiled a wooden smile " Oh sure, I'll be fine.... but I think I would be so much happier if you were staying around. I don't know how to thank you for your friendship. You've been wonderful Adam, just my luck your heart belongs to someone else"
 
Adam looked into her eyes, and felt again that twinge of doubt. He was still worried about his father's health, and now he could add to that, Lucille's welfare as well.
 
" Do you think you'll stay on after the baby comes?" he asked.
 
" I don't know Adam, I really haven't thought that far ahead yet. It's too frightening, that and the prospect of spending my life alone. After all what man in his right mind would care for a tainted woman like me?"
 
" That's your father talking, and he's wrong. No one has the right to judge you for anything you've done. Any real man would love you for who you are" Adam grumbled.
 
" Oh Adam, how I wish that man were you, but I know it wasn't meant to be. Strange, I wasn't really frightened until you told me you were going away for sure. Now I'm not sure I can make it on my own"
 
Adam reached out to take her hand " You'll be fine, I know you will and besides, I'll be back before you know it. I'm looking forward to seeing the little one" he said.
 
" It feels so good to be able to talk freely about this with someone, would it be alright if I wrote to you?"
 
Adam nodded " Sure, my family writes to me, although sometimes it's months later that I read their letters, but it's better than not hearing from them at all"
 
"Alright than I shall write to you every week, and send you the news when the baby comes" she said and paused, her eyes downcast " And Adam if you don't mind, I would like to name the baby after you, if it's a little boy that is"
 
She was pleased to see Adam smile " Well I'd be happy to share the name, I haven't met many people with my name anyway"
 
"Well I shall be sure to have a boy then" Lucille declared happily. Lucille wept later that day when Adam rode away, barely able to raise her arm to return his wave.
 
"Goodbye Adam Cartwright, may God send me a man as perfect as you someday" she said through her tears and turned and walked back to her uncle's house.

Later that night, Adam sat on his bed strumming his guitar, his mind already out at sea. He could almost feel the rocking of the ship,and smell the salty water. He looked up at the sound of a knock on his door " Come on in, it's open" he called
 
Hoss came in and sat down across from him " Howdy Adam, Joe didn't want to play checkers so I thought I'd sit with you a spell" he explained.

"That's fine with me, ready for the big picnic tomorrow?"
 
"You bet I am, fried chicken, apple pie, fresh biscuits..."
 
"Not to mention, horse shoes, swimming in the cool water, fishing " Adam added
 
"Oh yeah them things too, I was just looking at it from a hungry point of view" Hoss said

"Yeah that's what I figured" Adam said grinning. Just then the door clicked open and their youngest brother joined them.
 
"Hey fellas what's up?" Joe asked as he sat on the bed

"You never did learn how to knock, did you?" Adam teased
 
"Nope I guess I never did older brother, of course do you two ever knock when you come into my room?"
 
Hoss and Adam looked at each other, he had a point there and he knew it as he folded his arms up behind his head and grinned at them. “ Play something Adam" he said .

" What?"
 
" I don't care anything" Joe said more insistently
 
So Adam played and his brothers sang along with him, and when they'd finish one, another one would come to mind that they hadn't sung in a long time and they would have to do that one too. They were thoroughly enjoying themselves and nearly an hour passed before Adam was forced to quit, his fingers sore from lack of use against the strings.
 
Adam put the guitar down and they fell into easy conversation.
 
" Hey Adam, you never did tell us, how did you meet your soon to be wife?" Hoss asked curiously.

" Is this really necessary information?" Adam asked with a twinkle in his eyes.
 
" Oh come on Adam, out with it, we have a right to know something about her if she's gonna be a family member" Joe demanded.
 
Adam sat back against the headboard " Alright, let's see the first time I met her was about a year ago. We were going to be onshore for awhile so I took the time to see the landscape"
 
" How did you end up in Australia though?" Hoss asked, he could not imagine stepping foot on foreign soil
 
" Oh well Captain Murphy makes frequent trips there to deliver British convicts" Adam said matter of factly
 
Joe and Hoss looked at each other quizzically “ You mean criminals?" Joe asked unsure if he'd heard correctly.
 
" Yeah exactly, criminals, it's a common practice to send them over there. Anyway after I met Vicki the first time, I made sure I got to see her each time we went to Australia. We started corresponding after a time. Now I write to her and let her know when we'll be visiting her homeland and she'll be there waiting for me"
 
" Well what's it like there?" Joe quiered

" It's kind've unattractive at first to be truthful, it takes some getting used to. They have these people called aborigines that have lived there for many, many years. Sadly their fate seems very similar to what has happened to the Indians here" Adam said grimly. He was very nearly ashamed of the treatment of the Indians in his own country, to find the same kind of situation in Australia was troubling to him. He quickly decided to change the subject.

" Oh but most of all you should see the strange animals there, kangaroos, and these big ugly birds that can't even fly"
 
" How big?" Hoss asked his eyes large and round
Adam lifted his hand above his head " Why pretty near as tall as you Hoss" he exclaimed

" Aw you're just joshing us ain't ya?" Hoss said suspiciously
 
" I am not, and if you think that's something you should see the size of the crocodiles, they must be something like twelve feet long or more"
 
Joe whistled and tried to envision such a thing in his mind.
 
" And you should see the sheep they have there, why I think everyone in Australia raises sheep, sometimes the flocks are so vast you can't see anything else in any direction. It's nothing but a sea of white" Adam told them enjoying their attention to his stories.
 
" By dogie, I bet I never see anything like it in my whole life" Hoss said
 
" Never say never Hoss, you don't know what could happen" Adam warned, he too, had once thought the same thing
 
" Hey maybe we could get our older brother to take us to see some of these places" Joe said

Adam gave a short laugh " What? I don't think so, you fellas would be seasick less than an hour after leaving port" They all laughed at that.
 
They talked late into the night, each of them knowing their time together was running out. Joe was the first to retire to his own room. After he left Adam looked to Hoss
 
" Hey Hoss, I was wondering about something" he said
 
" Yeah what's that Adam?"
 
" Well it's about Pa, do you ever sense that everything is getting to be too much for him?"
 
" Aw Adam don't you worry none about Pa" Hoss said with confidence, but then suddenly he recognized a golden opportunity. If Adam thought his father needed his help than he just might decide to stay on. And from experience Hoss knew, when Adam felt guilty about something he would do just about anything to ease the situation.
 
" Although I hate to even mention it" Hoss said testing.
 
" Mention what?" Adam asked, sensing what he'd been afraid of.
 
" Well Adam it's just that Pa is getting older you know, and he ain't one to complain. But there are days when it does seem to be an awful effort for him just to get out and about"
 
Adam frowned " Well has he been ill or anything?"
 
Hoss shook his head " No he ain't been ill exactly, just tired I reckon. I ain't for sure though cause Pa has always been one to push on, no matter what"
 
Adam nodded that was true about his father, it was something he had been taught too. Never quit, no matter how tough the going, you must never give up"
 
Hoss began feeling a little guilty himself, so he decided to excuse himself " Well I best get on to bed, Pa don't like being late for Church. Nite Adam"
 
" Goodnight Hoss" Adam answered without looking up.
 
Sometime later when Ben came to his room, Adam decided to ask him flat out. " Pa I've been thinking, you know if you really need me here, I could find a way to stay on"
 
Ben sat himself in the chair across from the bed, elbow resting on the arm of the chair and his chin in his hand. " Why do you say that Adam?"
 
Adam looked down at his hands " Well sir, it's just that.... well Pa after all you always said the ranch was to be ours, and when the time came that I would have to take over"
 
" And you think the time is now?”
 
Adam shook his head " No, that is not unless you do. What I'm saying is, I'll stay if you want me to. If you really need me here than I'll find a way to do it"

Ben wanted with all his heart to tell his son that, yes he needed him to stay, but he knew he couldn't. He rose from the chair and sat next to his son. He didn't say anything at first, he was searching in his mind for the right words.
 
" Adam I never told you this but, I've always felt that your desire to go off and see other lands, was my fault. Perhaps all those stories I told you when you were just a boy was what put the idea in your head. And once you made up your mind that that's what you wanted to do....... well I'm sorry to say, I did everything I could to repress those desires. All the time I thought I was protecting you, keeping you out of harms way. I told myself that you were too young, and later that you were needed here, but I was wrong" Ben said
 
" Pa I always understood your reasons fo....." Adam started, quick to defend his father.

But Ben stopped him gripping his shoulder. " Adam I had no right to try to dissuade you like I did. Maybe if I'd let you go, back when you were still a teenager, then you would already have seen all there was to see. Maybe you would have been more than ready to settle down and make this your place in life. But I always made excuses to keep you here, I told myself it was because I loved you, and needed to know that you were safe, but that wasn't it at all. I did it because I was selfish and that was wrong, I know that now and I'm sorry"
 
" Pa I would never blame you for anything, I could've left anytime I wanted" Adam said, his eyes on his father.
 
" No Adam" Ben said shaking his head " You always did what I wanted, you never questioned but always put all your energy into making sure everyone else was taken care of, and everyone else was happy. You never once put yourself first, well now I think it's about time"

Adam looked at his father, his eyes troubled, Ben did not like to see that " Look Adam, I would love to have you home for good, but you and I both know you aren't ready for that. So you go, with my blessing, and you do whatever it is you want to do. And when you're ready, you come home, we'll always be here for you"
 
Adam dropped his head momentarily, then he looked back at his father " Thanks Pa, I suppose those brothers of mine will manage things until I get back. And I will be back Pa, very soon, and we'll have this ranch in top shape, better than ever"
 
" I'm sure we will son, now I suggest you get some sleep young man or you'll be napping at Church" Ben said trying to sound stern but not quite pulling if off. He was about to leave when he turned back.
 
" Adam, just out of curiosity did your brothers tell you I was ailing of something of that sort?"
 
Adam looked up from unbuttoning his shirt " No sir they didn't why do you ask?" he said knowing full well that his father knew all about it.
 
" Yeah that's what I thought" Ben said " Goodnight son" and he pulled the door shut, while Adam chuckled to himself.
 
Chapter 12
 
Ben and his sons had returned to the ranch after attending Church services, and were preparing to sit down to a picnic lunch by the lake, when they looked up to see a rider approaching in a cloud of dust.
 
" Did you boys invite anyone else?" Ben asked squinting at the rider
 
" Oh I did Pa, I hope you don't mind" Adam said, a secretive smile on his face. He started walking toward their guest when Hoss exclaimed.
 
" Hey, lookit, it's ole Candy"
 
Adam walked up to his horse as he climbed down " Hi Candy, thanks for coming" he said.
 
Candy stood with his reins in his hands " Are you sure I'm welcome? They look a little surprised”

" I think shocked might be more appropriate, I didn't tell them you were going to be here, come on" Adam said taking his arm.
They walked together toward Ben and stopped in front of him " I asked Candy to join us, after all you said it was a family picnic right?" Adam said watching his father's reaction.
 
Ben's chest swelled with pride at this unexpected turn of events " Well, I guess it is at that, welcome Candy”

Hoss and Joe looked at each and laughed with delight, it was as if things suddenly came together perfectly, and the feeling was shared by all. They happily sat down together on the blankets and passed the food around, everyone talking at once. When everyone finished, Joe ran to the wagon to set up a game of horseshoes. Ben said he'd watch while the others played, so Joe teamed with Adam, and Hoss with Candy. After a lively game Joe shouted " Hey fellas let's take the boat out!"
 
They all looked at each other absorbing the idea, and then looked to Ben " Oh no, you boys go ahead" he said'

Adam looked at the little rowboat on the bank " We ain't all gonna fit" he said.
 
Joe looked at Hoss carefully " Yeah you're right, hey maybe we can use Hoss as an anchor" he teased.
 
" You little runt" Hoss growled and went after him.
 
Adam laughed at their antics and said to Candy " Come on Candy let's get her in the water"
 
" Aye aye Captain " Candy answered as they hurried to move the boat into the lake. Joe was still trying to escape Hoss' advances, and seeing what the others were up to, started running for the water. They just entered the water as Hoss joined them and then the three of them got in quickly
 
" Let's go Adam, leave him in the water" Hoss said Joe saw what they were doing and smiling, took off his shirt, boots and socks and threw them on the shore as he watched them move out in the water. He stood with his arms folded for several minutes and then ran and dived in the water. He came up swimming strongly.

" Joseph, you be careful " Ben warned from the bank.
 
Hoss and the others saw the challenge " Adam lookit him, he's gonna try to catch you" Hoss laughed.
 
Adam turned to watch his youngest brother, he was gaining quickly " He's gonna do it Hoss, wow look at him go" Adam said with wonder. Joe caught up and grabbed the side of the boat but.
 
Hoss held his hands " Oh no you don't, you apologize or I'll drown you here and now"
 
" You'll have to come in the water to do it" Joe said with a gleam in his eye " Alright I'm sorry, now let me in " Joe demanded.
 
Hoss hauled him in while Candy and Adam braced the boat to keep it from tipping. Once he was settled Adam picked up the oars and paddled on.
 
" Where we going Adam?" Joe asked trying to pushing the wet hair from his forehead.
 
" Anywhere you want to go, where have you ever dreamed of going?" Adam offered.
 
" Hey this may be fun, okay I want to go to China" Candy called.
 
Hoss thought for several minutes " I don't rightly know where I'd go, any old place I reckon"
 
" Oh good drop him off in San Francisco, take me to Australia with you" Joe quipped.
 
Adam grinned " Oh yeah, Vicki would take one look at you and drop me like a hot branding iron"
 
Joe went to grab for Adam but Hoss and Candy stopped him " Hey Joe you're gonna tip the boat and spill us all out" Candy warned.
 
" What's a matter Candy don't you know how to swim?" Hoss asked.
 
" Sure I do, but I swim when I choose to, I don't like surprises" he said

" Adam you ever take a swim out in the ocean?" Hoss asked him.
 
Adam smiled " Nah too many sharks and whales, and all other kinds of hungry fish out there"
 
" How big?" Hoss said his voice touched with excitement, it seemed he never tired of Adam's stories.
 
Adam took on a far away look and set the oars down " Well I've seen whales twice as big as the ship, they swim right up next to it. It sends chills up your spine. But the sharks are the ones you gotta watch for, why they'll jump right up out of the water, onto the deck and grab a man before the waves sweep him back into the water"
 
Candy covered the smile on his face as Hoss and Joe's eyes grew big and round. " You ever seen them do that?" Hoss said doubtfully.
 
" Sure I have, we left Hawaii with a crew of thirty five by the time we got to San Francisco, we only had twenty two men, the worst man eaters in the water"
 
" That settles it, I'll stay on land" Joe said firmly " I'll leave the adventure to you First Mate Cartwright"
 
" But you can't Joe, it's too late" Adam said seriously as he stood up in the boat.
 
Joe frowned " What's that supposed to mean?" he said concentrating on Adam's face, unaware of what he was up to anymore than the others.

"Cause they can strike even out here" he said pointing out into the water " If I'm not mistaken that's a fin I see off in the distance"
 
Joe stood up and turned to look, as he did Adam winked at Candy and Hoss, and then easily tipped him into the water.
 
" Man overboard!" he shouted laughing loudly, joined by Hoss and Candy.
 
Joe came up sputtering and shook the water from his head and went straight for the boat again. He gripped the side but instead of climbing back in, he spilled the rest of them into the water with him.

Ben heard the commotion from the his position on the bank where he'd been napping. He sat up in time to see them dunking each other under the water, thoroughly enjoying themselves. When they returned to the house hours later, they were all happily worn out.As Ben and the boys climbed out of the wagon Candy rode up behind them.
 
" You going to join us for some brandy?" Ben asked him
 
" I'd like to Mr. Cartwright but if you don't mind I have an engagement in town tonight" Candy explained.
 
Joe and Hoss whistled and teased him until Ben looked at them " Well alright Candy, we'll see you tomorrow then" Ben said and turned to go inside.
 
Adam went to Candy to talk him but noticed his brothers were watching " Would you fellas excuse us?" Adam said impatiently.
 
" Oh well excuse us all to pieces " Hoss said sarcastically as he pushed Joe ahead of him into the house. Adam came in a few minutes later and they watched him curiously.

" You got a date tonight too big brother?" Hoss asked him.
 
Adam didn't answer him, but only smiled as he sat on the sofa next to his father. Ben handed him his share of brandy and raised his glass.
 
" Here's to Adam, may you have a safe trip tomorrow" Ben said.
 
His brother's faces clouded, everyone had been having so much fun, they'd forgotten the reason for the celebration momentarily. They half heartedly drained their glasses and the room filled with a solemn silence. No one seemed to know what to say, it seemed as if he'd only just come home, and now he would be gone in the morning.

" Well, we have to get up early tomorrow so why don't we call it night so you can get proper rest before you leave" Ben suggested.
 
Adam looked at Hoss and Joe; he wasn't really tired and hated to end the night " I'm not tired Pa, we can stay up and talk awhile if it's alright"
 
" I'm tired, I'm going to bed" Joe said, feeling suddenly ill and he retreated up the stairs with the eyes of his family on his back.

Adam sighed unhappily " I know he doesn't want to, but I sure hate to leave with out a proper goodbye"
 
Ben set his drink down " Oh he'll see you off in the morning I'm sure"
 
" Well, I guess you're right then, I better get some sleep while I have the chance, goodnight" Adam said resignedly.
 
Hoss was quiet as Adam stood up; he too would be leaving first thing in the morning to run an errand. What had happened to the wonderful atmosphere of moments before?
 
" I'll be up in a little while son" Ben called.
 
Adam stopped on the landing, he couldn't think of anything to say so he continued on his way up.
 
" He's really going ain't he Pa" Hoss said quietly when he was gone.
 
" Yes he is son" Ben answered. Funny how one could talk themselves out of the inevitable, he thought. They had all known he would be leaving in the morning and had somehow all agreed to ignore the fact, and now the time was nearly upon them and no one was ready for it.
 
" Well Pa, I gotta leave early too, so I'll see you in the morning" Hoss said rising from his seat.
 
He didn't go to his own room, instead he went to Adam's. Adam invited him in, Hoss tried not to notice that he was packing his sea bag. When Adam finished, he set it on the floor and discreetly shoved it under the bed. He joined Hoss who was now standing by the window looking out. Adam knew Hoss wanted to tell him goodbye, because they wouldn't see each other in the morning.
 
" Adam I just wanted to see you off now cause I gotta help Hank move them cows to Carson City for the auction, and we gotta leave at dawn"
 
" I know" Adam said, now beside him.
 
" Adam I been thinking about this a lot, actually ever since you and Candy had that fight"
 
" Well Hoss you don't need to worry about that, we worked that out a long time ago"
 
Hoss grimaced " Well I ain't but, well...... I don't know exactly how to put it dadburnit...." Hoss turned his back to the window " See Adam all my life, I ain't never had no need for a friend, and that was cause I had you. We was friends all the time, better than any friends I ever saw. I never had to try to be someone I wasn't with you, and you always made me feel like I was okay. And when Joe's Mama died, and Pa was doing so poorly, you took care of everything and me and Little Joe knew we was gonna be okay you always made everything okay"
 
Hoss clenched his fist; this was harder than he thought it would be. " We did everything together, I feel like I spent my whole life with you, and that's why I didn't need anyone else.  Right from the beginning you looked out for me and protected me, there ain't nobody else I can say that about, except Pa"

" Yeah I do have that distinction don't I?" Adam said dryly.
 
" That what?" Hoss said looking at him for the first time.
 
Adam slapped him on the back " Never mind"
 
"Anyway Adam, I guess what I wanted you to know is you ain't gotta worry about ole Candy. Being brothers ain't the same as having a friend"
 
Their eyes met, both of them felt the impending departure already pushing them apart.

" It's okay Hoss, Candy's a good guy, you were right"
 
" Yeah I know, sometimes I know more than you"
 
Adam gave a short laugh, and then cleared his throat " Well listen, you and Candy keep Joe out of trouble okay?"
 
" I don't reckon that's a chore any of us is gonna get out of soon" Hoss said, so seriously that Adam laughed again. Then the awkward quiet encircled them again.
 
" Well I best get on to bed, have a safe trip and we'll see you again soon right?" Hoss said, it didn't sound much like a question Adam nodded, his throat felt tight, he didn't think he could speak and his eyes stung. He felt Hoss put his arms around him and say " Bye Adam" and then quietly leave the room.

For several minutes after he left he couldn't see clearly. He walked back to the window and sat down in the chair, breathing the night air, hoping to calm himself. When Ben came later on, Adam was sitting on his bed staring into the darkness, unable to sleep. Ben stood looking at him, concerned " You alright son?" he whispered.
 
Adam turned to him " Yeah I'm alright" he said softly " Pa could you stay for awhile"
 
Ben sat next to him,put an arm around his shoulder and rubbed his arm. There was no need for words, they were thinking about the same thing. Ben thought about that morning in Church, when the Reverend talked about families and the strength found in them. Ben had reached out and taken Adam's hand and squeezed it.

Adam's first reaction had been to quickly look around to see if anyone had noticed. When his eyes met his father's he'd returned the squeeze and then dropped his eyes. But that moment meant everything to his father and he held his son's hand for some time after. Silently now he grieved, for the little boy that was forever lost to him, and that he missed so much. But now Adam somehow seemed very much like that little boy, and he wished he knew how to capture the moment forever.

Chapter 13

Adam walked down the stairs for breakfast, with his sea bag in his hands. He's swapped his work clothes for the clothing he'd worn when he arrived home. Seeing him, Ben stood up from the table with alarm. It was obvious Adam was planning to leave right away.
 
" Adam what are your doing, I thought you said the stage doesn't leave until two o'clock?"
 
Adam set the bag down by the door, walked to the table and ready to have some breakfast. " Yeah I know, it doesn't" he said as he carefully set the platter on the table. Ben was watching him, waiting. " Pa I hope you don't mind, but I asked Candy to drive me to town" Adam said without looking in his father's direction.
 
" But why? I told you I'd take you to meet the stage" Ben protested.
 
Adam's jaw tensed " I know you did Pa, it's just that I wanted to say goodbye here, I didn't want an audience if you know what I mean"

Ben sat down, disappointment all over his face. " You going to leave right after breakfast?" Ben asked, even though he already knew.
 
" Yes sir" Adam replied. He picked at his food, he didn't want to see his father's face " Joe isn't here" he added.
 
" I know, I checked his room this morning. You can't blame him for that Adam, it's always been tough for him to let go"
 
Adam nodded, chewing his food slowly, he felt let down. He'd wanted to leave without the guilt or the hurt, but it wasn't to be this time. Father and son ate in silence, the room took on a feeling of gloom. When they finished their meal they walked out to the porch together. They heard a bustle behind them and Hop Sing stood before Adam holding out a package.
 
" Mr. Adam, I make for you, you no hungry on stage"
 
Adam took the package and smiled affectionately at his old friend " Thanks Hop Sing I appreciate that" he said humbly.
 
Hop Sing gave a small bow and hurried back to the house

" Well this is it" Adam stated gripping the handles of his bag.
 
" I wish you weren't leaving so early, we could have more time..."
 
" Pa, more time wouldn't make it any easier" Adam interjected.
 
" Why drag out the agony anymore than necessary. I feel bad enough about Joe, I'd just as soon get on my way now"
 
Ben nodded and shuffled his boot on the floor, this wasn't the way he wanted to say goodbye. With resignation he moved down off the porch and stood next to Adam. Adam put the bag down and faced his father.

 " It was good to come home, I'm glad I did" he said, and felt the beginning tightness to his throat again. Why did it always have to be so awkward, he thought?
 
" I'm glad you did too son" Ben said and pulled him close.
 
Adam felt his resolve giving way as he fell against him. The fear of never seeing him again came back with force. His heart and his mind filled with apprehension. He thought of Lucille, and his brothers, and his father. He closed his eyes against the pressing worries. How he longed to be a child again, things were so much easier then.

" Goodbye Papa" he whispered.
 
" Goodbye son, you take care of yourself" Ben said and with difficulty pulled away and held him at arm’s length.
 
"You make sure you come back, no matter what you decide to do, we'll be waiting" he said sternly.
 
Adam nodded, his eyes downcast. Ben reached out to tip his chin up " Adam you have nothing to feel guilty about, you go out there and live your dream"
 
" I will, thanks Pa"
 
Ben hugged him again " I love you son, I'll miss you" he whispered.
 
Adam closed his eyes again " I love you too Pa" he said and quickly pulled away and walked to the barn where Candy was waiting.
 
Candy drove the buckboard out of the barn as Adam approached him and tried not to look at his drawn face. Once he was seated Adam turned to look back at the house. His father was still standing there and Adam tried to burn the image into his mind, he wanted to remember it just like that. With a sigh he turned away, and he didn't look back again. Candy stole looks at him but didn't try to talk to him. He could almost feel the raw pain Adam's face showed. They were moving along at a brisk trot when Adam reached over and grabbed the reins.
 
" Wait!" he said and then froze as if listening.
 
" What's wrong?" Candy asked, puzzled

" I just thought of something, turn back" Adam said Candy turned the buckboard around and headed in the other direction, confused more than ever. They'd gone nearly a mile when Adam said " Turn up here, go up by the lake"

Candy did as he asked, still not knowing where they were going. The confusion dissipated when he saw Joe's paint horse directly ahead of them, he pulled the horses to a stop. Adam jumped down, one hand gripping the seat " Give me a little time " he said and without waiting for a response, walked away.
 
He found his brother standing near the grave of his mother, where Adam had somehow known he would be. He held in his hand, the canvas Adam had placed there on his first visit home. Adam moved next to him and waited for him to say something.
 
" What's this?" Joe finally said holding the canvas out.
 
Adam took it and turned it over in his hands, he had carried it in his pocket for a long time. " It's a piece of the mast from the Seeker" he said .

Joe nodded as if he needed no further explanation " You know sometimes I forget that she was more than just my mother. I don't know why, I should know better"
 
" That's okay Joe"
 
" You know I came out here so I wouldn't have to face you this morning. But when I got here, somehow I knew you'd be coming too" Joe said and looked directly at him, searchingly "
 
How'd you know I was here?"
 
Adam shrugged; he couldn't answer that, he didn't know.
 
" Pa isn't taking you to town?" Joe asked looking toward Candy. Candy had gotten out of the buckboard and was adjusting the harness straps, even though they didn't need it.

" No, I wanted to say goodbye to him in private, I don't like public displays" Adam said grimly .

Joe nodded, that was common knowledge to his family. " I never thought it would be like this when we grew up Adam, foolishly I always thought we'd be together. I hate going through this, it's too hard, not knowing when and if I'll see you again, having no way of knowing whether you're alive or dead out there. I would never tell you how to live your life Adam, but I have to be honest, I don't understand why you want to live like that"
 
" Well Joe, I guess that's what makes us different" Adam stated in a monotone " But I am coming back, I promise you that" he added.
 
Joe looked at him again, his eyes unwavering " Yeah I know Adam, but I guess I just realized that no matter what happens, it will never be the same, we can't go back and that's what hurts the most"
 
Strange, Adam thought, he'd been thinking the same thing not long ago " But like Pa says, no matter what happens we'll always be a family"
 
Joe shook his head " No, not like we were, we're just a shell of what we were, and a kind've empty one at that"
 
Adam reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, he had no words to convey that would make things any easier. It was amazing to him that Joe was twenty six years old, that this man before him, was the same person he'd left behind years before.

" You know Joe, when I got back, I expected to see the same skinny kid that drove Hoss and I to distraction, on a pretty regular basis. The same kid who didn't seem to have a care in the world, but lived life for the moment"
 
Joe turned toward him, listening " I haven't seen that kid even once since I got back, he's gone. You've become a responsible, empathetic, wonderful man and I just want you to know that I'm real proud of who you turned out to be" Adam said and then smiled " Although to be honest, I'm gonna miss the kid"
 
Joe smiled slightly " Well to tell you the truth Adam, he isn't completely gone" he said and then the smile faded " I can hear him now, wanting to cry out, please don't go"
 
Adam gripped both shoulders now, more to steady himself than anything else.
 
" But I won't let him Adam, because I know you need to do this, I won't get in your way"
 
Adam shook his head " You were never in my way kid" then realizing what he said he balked " Sorry Joe"
 
Joe smiled " That's okay, you're allowed" he said. Somewhere behind them a horse whinnied, and Adam remembered Candy was waiting. He reached in his pocked and took out the canvas and ripped it in half. He laid one piece back on the grave, then stood up and handed the other piece to Joe.
 
" Here keep this with you" he said knowing that to his brother it would have great meaning. Joe's eyes brimmed with tears as took it and clenched it in his fist, then put it in his pocket. Adam reached for him and held him.
 
" Take care and behave yourself " he said, mostly out of habit. But to Joe it was familiar, comforting somehow. He clung to his brother desperately, burying his face in his shoulder.
 
" I have to go now Buddy" he heard Adam whisper.
 
Joe winced " I love you so much Adam" he said.
 
Adam held on tighter for another moment and then let him go, cupping a hand behind his neck " I love you too Joe, I'll see you real soon, I promise" he said and then walked away while he still could. He walked quickly to the buckboard and climbed up. Candy joined him within minutes and picked up the reins. They rode away without looking back, they didn't see Joe raise his hand to wave;
 
When Adam and Candy reached town, they sat silently. The stage would not leave for half an hour, but Adam knew that time would pass quickly too Adam looked around the town, his stomach in knots. He had a strange sensation of plunging into the unknown. He cleared his throat to get Candy's attention.
 
" Candy, I just want you to know, it's okay with me if you stay in the house. They need you there, I think you make it easier for them, like you said yourself, you give them something else to think about. You fill the void in a good way"
 
" I know, I knew right from the start that I was a mere distraction "
 
Adam took on a serious expression "You're not a distraction Candy, you're family. I know it doesn't matter one way or the other but, it means a lot to me that you stay with them. That someone is filling in for me, I won't worry as much"
 
" I'll take care of them Adam, they're special people" Candy assured him.
 
"Yeah I know" Adam said and glanced up and down the street again.
 
"Well I think I'll go over and have a good beer before we leave" he said then turned back to his companion and held his hand out, they shook firmly " Thanks for everythingCandy, you're a good man"
 
"Yeah I know" Candy said and the two men laughed nervously. "You know Adam I never had an older brother, but if I did, I'd sure like him to be like you"
 
"Yeah we'd have some good quarrels then wouldn't we" Adam remarked with a smirk
 
"Well we already had our first"
 
"That's for sure" Adam said rubbing his chin, and they laughed again " Well I better get over there" he added after glancing across the street, and climbed down from the buckboard. He paused with a hand gripping the side of the wagon.
 
" Candy tell my family....well never mind. Take care and thanks again" Adam said and with a wave walked off.
 
When he disappeared into the saloon, Candy whispered. “ Okay Adam, I'll tell them" and he slapped the reins. The horses lurched forward and broke into a trot as they headed up the street leading out of town.

Several days later Ben stood alone on the porch, looking up at the sky. Since Adam's departure a sadness had fallen on the family, each of them coping in their own way. When Ben looked at the stars he knew instinctively that Adam was probably looking at the same sky at that moment, from the helm of the ship. It gave him a sense peace and calm, as if somehow it meant that Adam was safe.
 
Hoss and Joe came out of the house and stood at his shoulders, each of them following the direction of his gaze. " You reckon he's looking Pa?" Hoss asked.
 
" I know he is Hoss"
 
Joe turned to his father " How do you know Pa?" he asked as his hand went to his pocket and gripped the piece of canvas there.
 
" It's something only a father knows Joseph" he said his eyes still on the sky.
 
And thousands of miles away, in the vastness of the ocean, Adam stood looking up, thinking of his family. He listened to the sounds around him and somewhere on the wind he thought he heard his father's voice.

It was at that moment that Ben heaved a great sigh and said to the sky, " Godspeed son"

THE END 

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