marys003

In the Face of Fear

By Mary Stone

Chapter 1

Adam and Hoss Cartwright rode alongside each other in a comfortable silence that only brothers know. Conversation was not necessary, the only thing on their minds was meeting their youngest brother, and then heading home for supper. To Hoss, the
younger, but bigger of the two, supper was a powerful incentive.

This was the busiest time of the year for the Cartwrights, owners of the biggest ranch in the territory. Adam and Hoss had spent yet another long day with branding crews. Their brother Joe, was at the home corral breaking colts, and their father was out
lining up buyers for the yearly crop of young stock.

"Hey Adam you smell that?" Hoss said sniffing the air.

Adam inhaled too "Smell what, I don't smell anything" he said frowning.

Hoss smiled "You just ain't got the nose for it big brother, if I ain't mistaken that's Hop Sing's roast pork I smell" he said with pleasure.

Adam looked doubtful, they were still miles from the ranch house, but Hoss was confident.

"You gotta have faith Adam, this nose is seldom wrong" he declared tapping the side of his nose.

Adam shook his head and smiled " Well let's gather up our young rebel brother first, then I can see for myself".

"No argument from me" Hoss said and pressed his heels to his horse, leaving Adam behind. Within minutes Adam trotted up alongside him and when he met his brother's eyes he saw the challenge. With a whoop they surged ahead at a full gallop and raced up the trail. Joe was just climbing up on the fence when he saw the dust cloud coming toward him. He smiled when he recognized his brothers and felt a rush of excitement, wishing he was racing with them. Adam pulled up in front of him first, his horse snorting and tossing his head. Hoss joined them soon after, coming to a slower stop.

"Oh Hoss, why do you have to put poor Chubb through that torture? He ain't got a chance lugging your weight around" Joe said shaking his head sadly.

Adam couldn't contain his laughter and Hoss responded by giving him a hard shove. Unprepared for the retaliation Adam
fell off his horse. He was rewarded with the sound of applause and laughter from his brothers and the ranch hands. Hoss dismounted to help him up, still laughing loudly.

"Sorry 'bout that big brother, I reckon my hand slipped" he said pulling Adam to his feet.

"Yeah well my hand might slip too you know" Adam warned brushing himself off.

"Listen I wish I could play with you fellas" Joe mocked, "But I got work to do gentlemen, so if you'll excuse me" he said as he climbed down into the corral and motioned for the hired men to follow.

"Hey Joe, why don't you call it quits for the day?" Hoss called after him as he and Adam sat on the fence.

"Just one more brother Hoss, we'll be at the supper table before you know it" Joe answered over his shoulder.

Adam laughed and elbowed Hoss, who in turn grabbed Adam's
shoulders and threatened to dump him off the fence.

"Okay, okay!" Adam cried clinging to the fabric of Hoss'
shirt satisfied Hoss let him go and turned his attention back to his youngest brother. While Adam
was trying to compose himself, Joe was tightening the cinch on yet another colt. He and the rest of
the hands had been breaking horses all day, but this was one Joe wanted to ride himself. There was
something about him that had attracted Joe right away. He wasn't an especially attractive horse, it
was more than that. There seemed to be a defiance about him that set him apart from the others,
and it was something that Joe wanted to hold onto.

"I don't like that horse" Adam stated, his face suddenly serious. He watched Joe struggle to get the headstall on the
horse. The sorrel was not being cooperative as he once again reared, squealing furiously.

"How come Adam?" Hoss asked turning to study Adam's expression.

Adam kept his eyes on the horse and his brother as two wranglers rushed to help restrain the animal.

"I'm not sure, there was something in his eyes, a wild crazy look that I saw when we brought him in" Adam said quietly.

"Oh come on Adam, they all have that look, half wild, half scared" Hoss told him.

Adam frowned " I don't mean that, it's something else" he said shaking his head with frustration " I can't explain it".

Hoss looked back at Joe, who was seated on the horse's back as the two men fought to hold the horse's head. He felt a sense of dread as he watched the horse fighting for his head.

"Joe loosen up your reins a little" Adam shouted nearly startling Hoss off the fence.

Joe loosened his grip on the reins just as the horse was released. At first the sorrel stood trembling, then realizing he was free, he bolted forward and began the battle to free himself of the hated weight on his back. Joe's concentration was broken momentarily when the horse had hesitated. But he quickly recovered and focused on the task at hand as he adjusted his center of balance. It was a battle of wills and Joe felt the strength and determination of the animal that he'd known was there. But what Joe hadn't counted on was the strength of the horse draining his own. It was a fight that Joe had fought many times in his life, but never one of this magnitude. What had begun as an act of fear for the horse was now all out fury. The intensity of his rearing and bucking was
escalating.

Joe had his most captive audience ever, including his brothers, both of whom were gripping the fence with anxiety. Adam was biting his lip praying for it to end one way or another.

For Joe to be bucked clear, or for the horse to quit bucking. Either way he knew he could not watch much longer. The sorrel suddenly went straight in the air and before anyone had time to react he went over backwards and landed on top of Joe. There was a sickening crunching sound as the horse struggled to his feet, hooves thrashing wildly. Adam and Hoss leaped off the fence and rushed to their fallen brother, their hearts in their throats.

"Hiya " Hoss shouted "Get that horse out'a here" he hollered waving his arms at the horse now running loose in the corral, knowing the potential danger he still posed.

Adam fell on his knees and quickly took off his jacket and slipped it under Joe's head. He felt for a
pulse and then visually looked him over. He could plainly see that his right leg was broken, but the
rest of his injuries were no so obvious.
Hoss was soon at Adam's side.

"How is he?" he asked anxiously.

"I don't know, we need the Doc, and we need him now" Adam said grimly.

Hoss stood back up and called to some of the men "Mac go for the Doc, Hap send Danny to the house and see if my father's there, let him know what happened, leave a note if you have to. You and the others find us something to splint his leg with, we gotta do it now while he's unconscious".

Hap nodded and relayed the instructions to the others and within minutes the men returned with boards and ropes. Hoss and Adam looked at each other. Joe head was supported between Adam's knees and he still had not moved "You're gonna have to do it
Hoss, and you gotta do it now".

Hoss looked at his older brother for help, but he knew instantly that Adam was right. It was up to him and he was not about to cause his brother any unnecessary suffering.

"Okay Adam, I'll do it" he said " You ready?"

Adam nodded and Hoss took a deep breath and grasped the injured leg. Joe instantly came awake and screamed in pain trying to rise. Hoss worked as quickly as he could, Adam held Joe's shoulders down and leaned forward, his forehead pressed against his brother's.

"Joe listen to me, you have to lay still okay?"

Joe's eyes were opened wide with panic. He looked around wildly unable to recall where he was and how he'd gotten there. The sight of Adam bending over him calmed him momentarily. "What happened, where am I?" he asked. Hoss somewhat shaken by his brother's outburst stood up to regain his composure.

"The sorrel went over backwards with you but you're gonna be okay, just try to relax. Pa and the Doc are on their way, you're gonna be just fine" Adam told him. He had a strong urge to pick Joe up and hold him but he knew it wasn't the best of ideas. Joe was obviously very uncomfortable, struggling to breathe and starting to panic.

"My chest hurts Adam, I can't breathe" Joe gasped and again tried to sit up.

"No no Joe, lay still, we're gonna get you out of here real soon" Adam insisted trying to think of a way to distract him from the pain. Joe suddenly began to cough and gag and struggled to his side to spit out the blood in his mouth. Seeing the blood Joe became terrified.

"Oh God, I'm bleeding inside" he cried.

"Joe listen, you probably just bit your tongue when you fell, don't panic okay?" he said rubbing his back. Joe looked up at him and decided he might be right. He slowly laid back against Adam's legs and closed his eyes. Adam wiped the blood away from the corner of his mouth, desperately hoping that's all it was.

Joe tried to relax but the pressure in his chest was getting worse. He was feeling desperate for air
" It's bad isn't it?" he said sensing that he was in trouble.

Adam didn't look at him right away, he couldn't. When he did he took hold of Joe's hand hoping to
minimize the pain.

"Of course not Joe, it's no worse then what you've tackled before, you're gonna be just fine".

What bothered Joe the most was Adam's inability to look at him. His eyes followed the direction Adam was looking in and he saw the sorrel now standing in the opposite corral, covered in lather and blowing out his breath.

"Adam don't blame him, he's just a dumb animal" Joe said not missing the look on Adam's face.

Adam looked at him then and gave a small smile "I know Buddy" he said softly.

Joe smiled back at him just as the sky began to waver before his eyes. He closed his eyes again and squeezed Adam's hand waiting for the nausea to pass. The pain was getting worse and he felt himself losing consciousness.

"Where's Hoss?" he asked trying to remain present. His mouth felt dry and he couldn't seem to take a breath.

"I'm here Little Joe, I'm right here" he heard Hoss say, now having trouble focusing and keeping his eyes open.

"Adam we gotta get him out of here" Hoss said anxiously.

"I don't want to move him until the Doc gets here" Adam whispered.

Joe concentrated on their voices, wanting to stay with them as long as possible, no longer able to see them. He recognized the sound of a buckboard approaching very fast and then the sound of footsteps running toward them.

"Joseph, are you alright Son, it's Pa, can you hear me?"

Joe reached out toward his father's voice and felt his father grip his hand.

"I'm okay Pa, it's gonna be okay " he said but only in his mind, he wasn't able to speak. "I'm not afraid to die now, you're all here with me and that's all I need' he thought and gave in to the unknown."

***************************

Chapter 2

Ben Cartwright sat on his the edge of his youngest son's bed watching him sleep. Doctor Martin had left moments before after a long night of repairing a lung punctured from a broken rib, and stitching up several gashes. Although Joe's injuries were serious, the doctor assured Ben that he would recover.

Ben sighed deeply and glanced across the room, warmed by the sight of his eldest son slumped in a chair, his face resting on his fist, sound asleep. He turned back to Joe who was beginning to move around. Ben leaned forward placing a hand on his son's head.

"Joseph, you're alright now " he said softly as Joe opened and closed his eyes several times. He turned toward his father and kept his eyes open.

"What happened?" he whispered.

"You got thrown from a horse Son, you're gonna be just fine though".

Joe closed his eyes again, and tried to recall what had happened to him.

"Where is everybody?" he asked his father.

"Hoss went to bed about an hour ago, and Adam's over there" Ben said indicating the chair on the other side of the bed. "He never made it that far".

Joe took a ragged breath, somewhat surprised that it didn't hurt. "Sorry I scared everybody" he said meeting his father's tired eyes.

"That's alright Son, the important thing is you'll be okay".

As Ben was speaking Hoss entered the room.

"Pa, you said you'd wake me up if he came to" he complained looking quite bleary eyed.

Ben turned to him "Hoss he just now opened his eyes" he said.

Hoss looked at his young brother "Doggone Little Joe you scared us something awful you know?"

Joe gave a weak smile "Sorry 'bout that Hoss".

"Listen since you're here I'm gonna get myself a cup of coffee" Ben said rising and stretching just a bit.

"Yeah you go ahead Pa" Hoss told him as he sat down near the bed " I'll keep an eye on him".

Ben nodded, winked at Joe, and left the room.

"You should made him get some rest" Joe said looking after his father.

"Now Joe you know he ain't about to with you banged up like you are" Hoss said leaning forward in the chair

Joe knew that was true " What'd you do with the sorrel?" Joe asked talking quietly so as not to wake Adam

"He's out with the others right now but Adam said something to Hap about turning him back out".

Joe eyes widened "Turn him loose, why?" he shouted.

"Why? Take a look at yourself, you nearly got killed. Besides Adam says you'll never be able to tame him. It's for the best so hush up now" Hoss said waving him to silence.

Too late though, Adam sat up rubbing his eyes.
"What's going on?" he asked sitting up slowly and rubbing the creak in his back.

"Your brother here has some fool notion about trying to ride that outlaw again" Hoss said with annoyance.

Adam came fully awake and looked directly at his brother "Look forget it Joe, he's untamable".

" There's no such thing" Joe said frowning at the two mother hens on either side of him. He hated it when they tried to tell him what he could do.

Adam was quickly growing angry "Alright you call yourself a horseman so you tell me. What's he gonna do the next time someone tries to get on his back?"

Joe didn't want to answer his question, but Adam was standing now with his hands on his hips, with a look that demanded an answer.

"He'll fight harder that's all" Joe mumbled knowing full well that he was putting
it mildly.

"No Joe, he won't fight harder, he doesn't have to. Because you see he's learned a crafty little trick that he isn't going to forget. He's learned he can get rid of a rider just like that" Adam said snapping his fingers inches from Joe's face and getting the
exact result he'd wanted. "He knows all he has to do now is throw himself over backwards, and I guarantee you little brother, he'll do it again".

"But I'll be ready this time Adam, and I won't have a full days work already under my belt so I won't be tired" Joe said gazing up at Adam, so that he wanted to shake some sense into him. Adam turned to Hoss and threw his hands in the air.

"Look Joe" Hoss said trying to come across calmer "He's gone beyond wild now, he's downright dangerous. Next time you could get killed".

Joe was not about to give up. "But Hoss he was scared, he was acting out of instinct that's all", he said hopefully.

Adam had heard enough and he blew up "You are not going near that horse ever again and that's final" he shouted just as Ben entered the room.

"Well what is all this about?" Ben said taking in the faces of his sons.

"Your son must've hit his head when he fell because he's completely lost his mind" Adam shouted pointing at Joe.

Joe flashed Adam a dirty look but didn't respond to his outburst. He knew when Adam made up his mind about something
that was the end of it.

"That's right Pa but you ain't gotta worry, first thing I'm doing this morning is turning that maverick loose" Hoss declared and before Joe could protest he left the room.

Joe grabbed his father's arm " Pa don't let him do it, that horse is my responsibility. I'll decide if he should be turned loose, they don't un...." Joe pleaded.

Ben silenced him with a hand on his shoulder, his first order of business was to get Adam out of the room.

"I'll take my rifle out there and shoot the damn horse, then we won't have to worry about it anymore will we?" Adam snapped before Ben had a chance to say anything.

"You would too" Joe said angrily.

Ben stood next to Adam and held his arm "Adam I'll talk to Joe about this later, why don't you get some sleep" he said almost in a whisper.

"You aren't about to let him try to ride that horse again are you?" Adam asked him.

"Adam, I said I'll talk to him, now do something for me and get some rest" Ben said trying to get Adam to focus on something else.

Adam blew out his breath and looked at his father wearily "I'm not really tired " he said.

Knowing better, Ben started to lead him from the room as he talked "I'll tell you what, just humor me and at least lay down for a while" he said insistently.

"Alright I'll rest but I'm not finished with him" he said "Make sure he stays in that bed" Adam ordered.
.
Ben smiled. "Yes Sir I will" He knew Adam was simply exhausted. "Now off with you" he said giving him a light shove.

"Yeah yeah I'm going" Adam grumbled as walked to his own room.

Satisfied Ben turned back to his youngest son.

"Now as for you young man, I don't want you worrying about anything but getting better for now" he said sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm not scared to ride him again Pa" Joe told him.

Ben shook his head " Joseph let's not talk about it anymore" he said with an edge to his voice.

Joe saw the troubled expression on his father's face, he hadn't realized how upset the whole incident had made him

"Alright Pa, I'll get some sleep now" Joe said and lowered himself onto the pillows.

"Thank you Son" Ben said noticeably relieved. He pulled the cover up over his son "How do you feel?" he asked him.

"I feel fine Pa, nothing hurts hardly at all" Joe said brightly.

Ben brushed the hair off his forehead, a sad smile on his face.

" Well that's just the magic of Dr. Martin's medicine. If you start having pain let me know, Paul left some if you needed it okay?"

Joe nodded, wanting to reassure his father somehow, he hated to see him worry so much.

"Well I'll leave you to get some rest then, you holler if you need anything".

"I will Pa thanks" Joe said and closed his eyes so his father would know if was alright to leave him.

Ben didn't leave right away though, he stood looking down at his son. He prayed that this desire of his to ride the sorrel would fade as he healed. But somewhere in the back of his mind he knew there was little chance of that.

*************************

Chapter 3

Joe's recovery was slow and painful, but eventually he was on his feet again. At first simply walking was difficult, he had to contend himself with chores around the house, which he did with the assistance of a cane.

Over time he grew more and more restless, as day after day he watched his family ride off without him. He was grumbling to himself as he swung an axe and watched the wood split apart.

"Leetle Joe you come kitchen" Hop Sing shouted behind him nearly startling him off his feet

"Dadburnit Hop Sing, you scared me half to death, don't do that" Joe shouted more embarrassed than angry.

"You finish wood, come help Hop Sing prepare lunch for family" Hop Sing said.

Joe turned to Hop Sing exasperated. "Look Hop Sing I got a lot of important things to be doing around here. I ain't got time for no nonsense".

Hop Sing merely smiled " Honorable Father say you help, you come I go now" he stated and sauntered off.

Joe was frustrated why did his father have to make things worse by giving him menial chores to do all the time? It was bad enough being stuck at home. Angrily he threw the axe down, he'd had enough. He hobbled to the barn, he was not about to hang around the house any longer.

Inside the barn he moved about throwing a harness on their gray buckboard. It took longer than usual to get all the gear buckled and in place, and once he finished he had to take a break. His leg was hurting him again but he refused to allow that to stop
him from getting away.

After the pain subsided some he struggled into the seat of the buckboard and straightened his bad leg. Once again he was forced to wait for the pain to lessen, then slowly he reached for the reins and slapped the horse into motion.

Some time later Joe sat in the buckboard looking out over the Ponderosa horses. It was no surprise to him that the sorrel wasn't there, and yet for some reason the confirmation was upsetting for him. He sat for a long time staring at the herd and thinking. What if the horse had been there? Would he have been able to attempt the ride again? He hadn't even really thought about the accident since it happened, and the memory of it brought a cold chill to him. He shivered as his mind went back to the moment when the horse went over on him.

"Hey Joe, what're you doing up here?" Hoss said startling him from his reverie.

Joe turned in a flash "Why do people insist on sneaking up on me like that?" he shouted angrily.

Hoss held a hand up in defense "Now Joe I wasn't sneaking up on ya. I rode up plain as day, you was just so gone you didn't hear a thing" he told him.

"Yeah well what d'ya want?" Joe said sourly.

"Nuthin' I just wondered what you doing is all, what're you being so dadburn touchy about?"

Joe turned his attention back to the herd without answering Hoss followed his gaze "Joe you weren't thinking about riding that horse again were ya?"

"So what if I was?" Joe retorted without turning around.

Hoss dismounted and stood by the buckboard looking up at his brother "Joe you can't do it, how can you even consider it? You know how dangerous it would be to even attempt it, me and Adam don....."

"Will you shut up Hoss" Joe snapped savagely " When are you going to figure out that I don't need permission from you and Adam to do anything? I'm not a kid anymore and the horses are my job, you two had no right to set him loose and as soon as I can swing my leg over Cochise's back again, I'm going after him. And I'm bringing him back here, and I'm telling you right now Hoss, I'm gonna ride him again only this time I'm gonna win".

"Aw Joe you can't win, don't you see that. And besides you ain't gotta prove anything to us, you don't have to ride him. We know you could do it that ain't the point" Hoss insisted.

Joe looked down at his now throbbing leg "I don't want to prove it to you or anyone else, I want to do it for me. I have to do it for me"

Hoss shook his head with frustration "Look Joe, I know you feel like you have to do it but think about it, it ain't worth dying for, don't you understand? We don't want anything to happen to you, we just want to protect you".

Joe looked over at Hoss "if I don't at least try Hoss, I'll never be able to ride again, you know that as well as I do. I have to know, if can't then my worth here is gone".

Hoss wanted to argue further, he had much he wanted to say. But he knew his brother well enough to know he wouldn't listen now. He was a lot like Adam that way, once he made up his mind about something, that was it.

"I just care about you Little Joe, I love ya and I don't want you to get hurt" Hoss said gently.

Joe smiled a little and punched him softly on the shoulder "I know that Hoss, but I know what I'm doing and need you to trust me".

Hoss didn't dare commit himself, so he stayed silent and listened.

"And Hoss I need you to do me a favor and not say anything to Pa and Adam okay?"

Hoss grimaced and gave Joe a pleading look, one thing he hated was keeping secrets from his father.

"Please Hoss, I need someone I can trust, someone I can depend on" Joe said looking at him steadily.

"Aw Joe, what'd you have to go and put it like that for?"

Joe waited knowing Hoss wouldn't betray him. He hated to put his brother in that kind of position, but he hated feeling alone even more. He didn't really know for sure if he wanted to go after the sorrel but he knew if he did he was going to need some support.

"Alright Little Joe I won't say anything but on one condition, you let me know when you decide to go after him, got it?" Hoss said looking him right in the eye without flinching.

"Got it" Joe declared and held out his hand with a smile.

Hoss grabbed his hand and they shook on it. Hoss figured that was that, or was it?

***************************

Chapter 4

Joe's leg continued to bother him on a daily basis and that compelled him to push harder to find ways to use it. He couldn't ride, so he walked as much as possible. The walks around the ranch became a source of pleasure for him and it seemed to calm his frustrations. He became aware of things he'd stopped paying attention to at some time in his life. His father had turned over a lot of the paperwork to him and he hated it. It wasn't that it was necessarily hard for him, it was the sitting still for the length of time it took to finish it.

He spent so much time with Hop Sing that he eventually decided to make the best of it. He got Hop Sing to teach him how to cook some of his favorite dishes. Although he swore Hop Sing to secrecy knowing how sadistic his brothers could be with their teasing.
He was thinking about that as his brothers galloped into the yard. He was standing by the fence brushing Cochise and telling her that he was nearly ready to end her vacation. He looked up into the faces of his brothers who were regarding him with curiosity.

"Well .... did she answer you?" Adam asked him.

Joe smiled and patted his mare's neck "Of course she did, she always does. What are you two doing home?"

"The usual" Adam remarked as he climbed down and pointed to Hoss. "He was hungry and said he could smell Hop Sing's donuts from the Butte".

Joe laughed shaking his head "Well Hop Sing went to town to see his cousin so I wouldn't get into them if I were you" Joe warned.

"Well you ain't me little brother and ole Hop Sing won't know anything unless you tell him" Hoss said poking him in the chest and hurrying inside.

Adam and Joe exchanged glances and laughed as they leaned against the fence and watched Hoss sneak through the kitchen
door.

"I'm kind'a hungry too" Adam said " Is there anything else to eat?" he asked.

"Oh I was only kidding about the donuts, Hop Sing said to let you all know they were there".

Adam looked at Joe and they smiled again, then Joe's eyes took on a mischievous gleam " Sounds good huh? I'll race ya".

Their smiles widened and in a burst of speed they took off running toward the house. Joe made it to the porch first but Adam came up right behind him. He bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.

"You got lucky kid" he gasped.

Joe leaned against the porch railing, arms folded across his chest.

"What's the matter big brother, a little out of shape or just getting old?"

Adam looked up at his brother who was wearing a smug smile, a combination of the thrill of winning but also for Joe a sense of satisfaction. He'd not only beaten Adam but his leg had held up, it felt stronger than ever. And he knew that meant he was ready to ride again. He moved toward Adam, who was still bent over catching his breath, and patted him on the back.

"That's okay Adam, don't feel too bad. I bet you could still beat Hoss if you got a good head start".

With that he took off running with Adam hot on his heels. He rushed into the house nearly colliding with Hoss.

"Hold onto him Hoss, he's got it coming" Adam warned.

Joe got behind Hoss and laughing used him as a shield while trying to avoid his oldest brother.

"Hey, hey fellas quit it you're gonna upset my donuts" Hoss cried.

Joe, unable to resist, popped Hoss on the elbow and sent the donuts flying.

"Dadburnit Little Joe that does it " Hoss said finding both brothers laughing.

When Ben walked through the front door, he was greeted with wild abandon, the sight of his sons shouting and running through the house. Joe was doing a fair job of avoiding both of them, his agility and youth giving him a small advantage. But his brothers had years of experience chasing him down and he soon found himself surrounded. Adam and Hoss grabbed him by the arms and legs.

"Hey Adam, you reckon if we pull real hard on either side we can make him grow some?" Hoss asked with a wink.

Adam returned the wink " Oh I'm sure of it" he said a deviant smile on his face.

"Alright boys that's enough" Ben shouted deciding it was time to rescue his youngest son "Put him down".

Quite by accident Adam and Hoss dropped him, causing Joe to cry out "Hey watch it you two".

Ben rushed to help him up, fearful that he may have been hurt.

"You alright Son?" he said brushing him off and throwing his two oldest sons a dirty look.

"Yeah I'm fine Pa, we were just having some fun" Joe told him, wiping off the seat of his pants.

Ben glanced around the room and suddenly shouted " Who threw the food on the floor?"

Hoss suddenly found himself facing the pointed fingers of his brothers.

"But Pa, it was them they came run...." Hoss protested but Ben cut him of with a wave of the hand.

"Alright forget it just clean up the mess" Ben said irritably and he walked to his desk and threw some mail on the top of it, shaking his head.

Adam and Hoss quickly cleaned up the floor as Joe followed his father.

"Pa I wanted to talk to you about something" Joe told him as he sat on the edge of the desk.

"I'm listening" Ben commented as he shuffled through his mail.

"Well Pa, I think it's about time I went back to work around here don't you?"

Ben looked at him then and sat back in his chair "Are you sure, how's your leg?" he asked him.

Joe's face lit up with delight "Good as new, I beat Adam in a foot race".

Ben smiled "You did huh? That explains the ruckus in here".

Joe's face colored a little as he looked down at his feet.

" I don't know Joseph, are you sure you're ready?"

Joe's face turned serious "Pa it's been more than two months, I can't stay around the house forever, I'm starting to feel like a prisoner".

Ben sat studying his son's face for several minutes, thinking about the possibilities. He hadn't heard the sorrel even mentioned in a long time.

"Alright Joe, Hoss is going out tomorrow to start the gathering, why don't you go along with him?"

Joe considered this, although flushing bad tempered cows and their calves from the brush was not his favorite chore, it was a start. What he really wanted was to get back to the colts but one look at his father's face told him that would be completely out of the question.

"Sound good to me, anything to get out of this house" he said rolling his eyes.

"Well to be quite truthful Son, I think Hop Sing will miss you" Ben said smiling.

Joe made a face and stood up " Yeah well the feelings ain't mutual, I never realized what a little tyrant he can be".

"Only when he needs to be Joseph" Ben said nearly laughing out loud at Joe's reaction.

"Ahhhh you always stick up for him" Joe said standing up and leaving his father to his work.

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Chapter 5

Joe was up before his brothers the following morning, anxious to get back into some real work. It was most unusual for Joe to get up without some form of prompting, and Hoss and Adam were quite surprised to see him sitting at the table when they came down the stairs.

"Mornin' big brothers" Joe called wearing a broad smile.

"Adam you see what I see?" Hoss quipped.

Adam stopped at the bottom step alongside Hoss " see it, but I'm not sure I believe it" he said.

"Yeah well you better believe it, cause from now on I'm gonna start doing some real work around here" Joe declared as he reached for the coffee pot " Coffee gentlemen?"

"Boy talk about a turnaround" Adam said as he and Hoss joined Joe at the table.

Joe set a cup of coffee before Hoss "A touch of creme and sugar for you, and black for Adam" he said placing another cup before his eldest brother.

"I don't know about you Adam but I could get real used to this" Hoss said with a smile as he sipped his coffee.

"Yeah well I still think we should feel his forehead first" Adam said but he was smiling too.

The three men turned at the sound of their father coming down the stairs.

"Well good morning boys, how is everyone this fine morning?" Ben said brightly.

They answered "Fine Pa" in unison.

Ben sat down as Hop Sing began bringing platters of food from the kitchen, Ben looked around the table at his sons.

"Everybody know what they're doing today?" he asked as he scraped some eggs from a platter and passed it to Adam.

"Well I know I'm going to the railhead by myself, these two get to have all the fun" Adam said adding to his own plate and smirking at this brothers.

"Yeah right, well I'll trade with you" Joe said dryly dreading the idea of herding ornery cattle all day.

Ben turned to his youngest son "You just never mind Joseph, and don't talk with your mouth full" he said sharply.

"Yes Sir" Joe answered miserably being sure to chew his food up first.

After breakfast Ben was the first to ride off after giving final instructions. Hoss checked his cinch one last time and called to Joe.

"You 'bout ready Little Joe?"

Joe emerged from the barn leading his paint mare " I can't find my chaps" he said irritably.

"Did you check in the house?" Hoss asked.

"What would they be doing in the house?" Joe said with an edge to his voice.

Hoss surprised him by looking at the ground and quietly answering " That was the last place you had them on, when we brought you back to the house that day" his voice trailed off, there was no need to say anymore.

Joe remembered then, the day of the accident, he'd definitely had them on. Feeling somewhat ashamed he headed for the house to look for them and muttered "I'll be right back".

He found the chaps in his room, apparently shoved under the bed. They had ragged tears in several places and spatters of blood on them. He sat staring at them remembering everything about the day he'd fallen. He was still sitting like that when Adam walked by his room.

"Hey Joe, what are you doing? Hoss is out there waiting" he said and then saw what was in Joe's hands.

Joe looked up at him. "I needed my chaps, I didn't know they were........."he looked back down at the chaps.

Adam knelt down next to him, unsure of what to say "I'll tell you what, why don't you use mine for today. You can't very well go out without any".

Joe didn't answer for what seemed a long time, when he did it was very nearly a whisper "I don't think they'll fit".

"What? Are you kidding me, you beat me in a race remember, I'm sure they'll fit you" he said with a lightness his heart didn't feel.

Joe looked back at him and managed a small smile "Okay, I'll use yours for today" he said and stood up. "Thanks Adam".

"You bet" Adam said with a wink and watched him walk out of the room. He picked up the discarded chaps and carried them downstairs to be thrown out, cursing himself for not having gotten rid of them sooner.

When he got outside Joe was strapping his on.

"Well how do they feel?" Adam asked him.

"They fit great thanks " Joe said as he climbed on his horse and picked up the reins.

"Well I'll see you fellas later then" Adam said and waved as they turned their horses and headed out for the open range. Cochise tossed her head with anticipation, she was eager to go and kept breaking into a trot. But Joe had a firm grip on the reins and held her. He was feeling pretty good himself about being back in the saddle.

" How's your leg feel?" Hoss called back to him.

Joe put more pressure on his heels " Right as rain big brother" he yelled up to him with a smile.

Hoss slowed his horse until Joe caught up with him then said "Well let's quit pussyfootin' around here and get on out there". With a whoop he took off on Chub. Cochise instinctively tried to follow her stablemate and reared when Joe held her back.

Realizing he was being left behind, Joe loosened up some and let her go. She broke into an easy canter and began to close the gap. They were not moving particularly fast but Joe was getting very nervous. He felt as if he might fall and as she gained speed he was sure of it. Suddenly fearful he sat back and tightened the reins to slow her down. Angered Cochise fought the bit by rearing and
plunging which caused Joe's anxiety to intensify. Cochise's training came back to her though and she finally came to a stop, pawing the ground with frustration. Joe quickly dismounted and bent over with his hands on his knees. He could feel his whole body trembling and it puzzled him. What in the world had spooked him he wondered?

"Hey Joe what happened?" Hoss asked now alongside him.

Joe straightened and looked up at him "Cochise pulled up lame, she must've picked up a stone" he said and made a show of picking up her foreleg to examine a hoof.

"Oh well let me take a look at her" Hoss offered climbing down and moving toward them.

"Leave her alone " Joe snapped shoving him back " I can take care of my own damn horse" he said catching Hoss off guard.

Hoss stood staring at him with such a look of dejection that Joe was quickly filled with guilt "Look Hoss, I'm sorry. You go on ahead I'll catch up with you later".

Hoss hesitated, something was wrong. After a moment he turned, got back on his horse and rode off.

Joe turned back to his horse and looked at her. Just the thought of getting back on caused him to start shaking again.

"God, what's the matter with you , just get back on " he chided himself, but he couldn't seem to move. Cochise sensed his nervousness and it made her anxious, which only added to Joe's problems. When he finally approached her she sidestepped away from him. Joe gave up and took the reins in his hand and started walking back toward the road that led to the ranch house.
It took him nearly twenty minutes to walk back and once there he sat by the side of the road and folded his arms across his knees and put his head down.

"Joe you alright?" he heard a familiar voice ask not long after. He squinted up into the sun and saw Adam looking down at him. He felt relief wash over him, he could always talk to Adam. Maybe Adam could help him make sense of what had happened.

"Adam I..I........." he started to tell him everything but quickly stopped himself. He took a deep breath and pointed to Cochise " She came up lame, Hoss went on ahead" How could he tell Adam that he was afraid?

Adam saw the subtle change in his brother's face, but didn't say anything. Something was obviously wrong, he could tell by the ashen appearance of his face.

"How about a ride back to the barn so you can tend to her?" Adam offered holding out his hand.

Joe stood up and approached his brother, he looked up at him, wanting to tell him about it, but he couldn't. Instead he clasped Adam's wrist and vaulted on behind him. He held onto Adam's waist as he turned his chestnut around and headed back to the ranch. Adam glanced back at Cochise and noticed she was walking without a limp, but he didn't say anything. He knew before they started out that there wasn't anything wrong with her but he respected Joe's need for silence at the moment.

When Adam turned back around his horse responded to the shift in his weight and broke into a quick trot. In a panic Joe tightened his grip on his brother's waist. Adam felt the trembling against his back, and heard the way Joe was breathing.

"Sorry Joe" he said wondering what had spooked him so badly. Even though the horses were walking placidly now, Joe still held on tight. Adam knew intuitively to keep them at that pace and also after thinking about it for awhile, was able to guess what had frightened him. He knew, if he was right, it was a fear that was not going to be easy for his brother to overcome.

********************************

Chapter 6

Joe was in the barn looking for ways to keep himself busy later that day, when Hoss rode up. Joe took a deep breath
knowing full well he was about to be confronted. Sighing deeply he went back to his work hoping that Hoss would simply go inside the house. He listened to the footsteps coming toward him and braced himself.

"Is this where you've been all day?" Hoss shouted before he was even all the way inside.

Joe simply nodded and continued forking the soiled bedding from the stalls.

"I been waiting all day for you, you know that?" Hoss shouted even louder. As angry as he was he still found it
unusual for his young brother to just let him yell.

"I'm sorry" Joe said hoping it was enough.

"Sorry? You're sorry? Well how's about telling me where in the Sam Hill you were?"

Joe stopped working to face his brother " Look Hoss, I told you Cochise came up lame, what was I supposed to do?"

Hoss stared at him momentarily " Well in case you ain't noticed little brother, right outside in that thing we call a corral, there's a whole passel of saddle horses you could've rode out on, what's the matter with them?"

Joe had no answer for him, he didn't know how to explain what happened, he hadn't quite figured it out himself.

"Ain't you got nothing to say?" Hoss asked and then waited for an answer that didn't come.

"Well I got something to say to you Little Joe, you asked me to trust you so you could do something foolish. I waited a whole dadburn day for you to help me out and you didn't show up. Now I got me a another full day of work tomorrow thanks to you. So don't expect me to be there for you either, you can forget it" he shouted and then stormed out of the barn.

Joe leaned against the stall and closed his eyes, wishing he could shut out the world for awhile. Nothing hurt worse than having one of his brothers mad at him.

"Joseph you alright?" he heard his father say.

Reluctantly he opened his eyes " Yeah Pa, I'm fine, I was just resting" he told him.

Ben looked around the interior of the barn, a puzzled expression on his face " I thought you went out with Hoss today? what are you doing in here?"

Joe looked at his father, what was he going to tell him?

"You did go out with Hoss today didn't you?" Ben asked him.

"No Sir, I..I...I mean I started to but Coch....I mean uh...my leg started to bother me so I came back here" Joe managed.

"Oh I see" Ben said knowing it was a lie, but what he didn't know was why he was lying "Well you better get on inside then and rest up, I don't want you laid up again" he said reaching for the pitchfork still in Joe's hand.

Joe looked somewhat bewildered as Ben took the pitchfork from him. He was ashamed of the lie and wanted desperately to take it back "Pa I......I want to..." he tried but the words failed him and he looked at the floor.

Ben gently gripped his shoulder "It's alright Son, you go on inside " he said softly.

Joe looked at him hesitantly, and then with a heavy heart brushed past his father.

Ben stood staring in the direction he'd gone for a long time. What Joe had not known was that he had overheard his conversation with Hoss. He had been so pleased with Joe's recovery and now this. Wearily he sat down on an old trunk in front of the stall
and buried his face in his hands.

Adam walked in the barn not long after to find his father still sitting there.

"Hey Pa, what's wrong?" Adam asked him as he led his horse into the stall.

"Oh hi Adam, how'd you make out today?" Ben asked him standing up and looking over the stall.

"Great, they'll expect delivery in full on the twenty first" Adam said pulling the cinch loose on his saddle and looping the strap. With a tug he pulled the saddle off and flung it over the stall.

"What were you looking so gloomy about?" he asked as he unbuckled the bridle and slipped it off.

"Oh nothing, just worrying about your younger brother I guess".

"Why what's he done now?" Adam asked him " Pa can you throw me that halter?"

Ben tossed the halter to him "It isn't anything he's done really, it's more his behavior that worries me".

Adam buckled the halter onto the horse, as Ben walked to the feed barrel for some grain. Returning he handed it to Adam.

"Thanks Pa" Adam said and dumped it into a bucket. He patted the horses neck and left the stall as the chestnut eagerly dove into the bucket. Once outside the stall he hung the bridle up and regarded his father.

"So what do you think the problem is?" he asked him.

Ben pondered a moment "I'm not really sure. You know he never went out with Hoss today".

"I know" Adam said, his eyes on the floor.

Ben was about to say more when he suddenly looked at Adam. "What did you say?"

Adam met his father's piercing stare "I know, I found him sitting on the trail when I left this morning. He told me Cochise was lame but she looked fine from what I could tell".

Ben shook his head " I don't understand it, he's been itching to get off the place..."

"I think he's scared" Adam broke in.

Ben stared at Adam, not sure he heard him right "Scared? Why do you say that?"

Adam pushed off of the stall and walked toward the door, then turned to face his father again.

"When I brought him back here he was really spooked about something. I had him riding up behind me, Pa he was shaking all over".

Ben frowned "But what's he afraid of?" he asked.

"Well I'm not sure, but I would imagine that it has something to do with the accident".

"The accident, but that was months ago, and he seems as good as new" Ben put a hand to his chin "Although he said his leg was bothering him, you think that's true?"

Adam shook his head "No I don't, I think what's happened is he's afraid to ride, even Cochise".

"Oh Adam that's nonsense, he trained her himself, why on earth would he be afraid of her?"

Adam walked back to the stall and stood directly across from his father "Look Pa, you've taken a bad fall before, remember how scary it was the first time you got back on. Something like that doesn't leave you easily, especially if you don't face it right away, you know that".

Ben nodded, Adam was right. And today was the first time Joe had attempted to ride since the accident. It was very possible that Joe didn't realize himself what was wrong.

"Well there is one way to be sure, I could try sending him on an errand in to town. I hate to put him through it, but at least we'd know for sure if that's what's happened" Ben said.

"I suppose that's true, and if we know what the problem is we'll be better able to help him deal with it" Adam told him hoping to ease his father's misgivings about the situation.

But despite Adam's words Ben suddenly sat down and put his face in his hands again. Concerned Adam sat down next to him and put an arm round his shoulders.

"Pa it'll be alright" he said comfortingly.

Ben looked up at him " Adam don't you see, if this is what's wrong with him, knowing your brother, what do you think he's gonna do to solve the problem?"

Adam looked into his father's troubled eyes and than a terrible thought occurred to him "You don't think he'd go after that sorrel again do you?"

Ben nodded "Yes I do, I know he would, and so do you".

Adam abruptly stood up and paced in front of his father, then stopped "Look Pa, even if that's what he wanted to do, that sorrel is running through the Sierras by now. It would take some doing to catch him again".

Ben didn't respond, he knew Adam was trying mostly to convince himself. Blowing out his breath he got up and put his arm around him "You probably right let's not jump to conclusions. We're just going to have to take this one step at a time okay?"

Adam moved away from him "Hold on a minute" he said and went into Cochise's stall. Carefully he lifted each of her feet and examined the hooves, then ran his hands up and down her legs feeling for any heat or swelling.

He stood up afterwards and looking at his father, shook his head. Ben sighed " Come on Son, let's go on inside, we'll deal with this later".

Adam left the stall slowly, after latching the door he looked at his father who was wearing a sad smile. With silent understanding they walked toward the house side by side, carrying the painful weight of the truth.

**************************

Chapter 7

Ben and Adam entered the house to find Hoss placing silverware around the table. There was no sign of Joe and only an occasional glimpse of Hop Sing as he brought dishes and platters from the kitchen and put them on the table. After half a dozen
trips he turned to Ben and said.

"Dinner is served Mr. Cartlight" and disappeared into the kitchen before Ben could finish saying thank you.

Adam went into the kitchen to wash his hands as Ben spoke to Hoss.

"Go up and tell Joe that dinner's ready" he said.

Hoss mumbled "Yes Sir" and went up the stairs.

By the time he returned Ben and Adam were seated at the table waiting.

"Well, where is he?" Ben said impatiently.

Hoss sat down with a sigh. "He said he ain't hungry. I reckon he's just punishing me for yellin' at him".

Ben frowned, then the three men bowed their heads and gave thanks. This was followed by an uncharacteristic silence. Adam looked from his father to his brother as he began eating.

"Hoss exactly what did happen today?" Ben asked him as he took the platter of beef from him and dropped a healthy helping on his own plate.

Hoss chewed his food for some time before answering "Well Sir, I ain't for sure but he said his horse pulled up lame. We were going along just fine and then when we turned off the road onto open range, we let the horses run a little. Then I turned around and he was gone".

Ben and Adam looked at each other for a moment as Hoss went on.

"I backtracked and found him off his horse and bent over like he was hurt. But when he heard me coming he made it look like he was checking her out. But Pa, I could tell right off, just by the way she was standing there weren't anything wrong with her. I tried to check her myself but he lit into me, told me not to touch her".

His last statement caused Ben to raise an eyebrow. "He hit you?"

"No Sir, not really, he just made it clear he didn't want me near her, so I just rode off and let him be".

Adam cleared his throat and put his fork down "You're right, I looked her over and from what I could see she's just fine".

"Yeah that's what I figured" Hoss said "Well what in tarnation is wrong with him then?"

"Well Son, Adam and I were discussing that, Adam thinks he may be scared" Ben said looking a bit skeptical.

"Of what?" Hoss exclaimed.

"I think he's afraid of falling again, the he hadn't realized that the accident had affected him, and then today when he had to ride again it all came back to him".

Hoss absorbed this new information and then his expression changed to one of understanding.

"No wonder he didn't come on out to help me. What'd he do then, walk all the way home?"

"Not exactly " Adam said with a crooked grin "I gave him a ride, I haven't ridden that slow since I was a boy".

Hoss shook his head "Now that I know what was bothering him I feel plumb awful".

"Oh Hoss, none of us knew and that fact is, we still can't be sure that's what's happened. I'm going to talk to him after dinner and see what he says we have to make sure he knows that we're here to help him and not to judge him".

Both brothers nodded as Ben continued.

"And until we know for sure, I'd appreciate it if you boys didn't bring the subject up with him".

"Don't worry Pa, the mood he's been in, I ain't likely to mention it " Hoss assured him.

Ben's gaze moved to Adam who simply nodded his agreement. He was a little perturbed at his father for doubting him, but he didn't show it.

"Good let's not mention it again until we know for sure".

Ben said and he turned his attention back to his dinner. After dinner Ben went to Joe's room to talk to him. He tapped on Joe's door and waited for his permission to enter.

"It's open" Joe called out, he quickly sat up to see who it was.

Seeing his father, Joe relaxed inwardly.

"Hi Pa" he said.

"Hi yourself" Ben said smiling as he grabbed a chair and pulled it up by the bed " You mind if we have a talk?"

"About what?" Joe asked warily.

"Well I just wanted to ask you about what happened today" Ben told him.

Joe jumped up from the bed, instantly defensive "Look Pa, I already told you what happened today, why can't you just leave it at that?" he said trying not to shout, but Ben heard the anger in his son's voice.

"Look Joseph, there's no reason to get upset with me, I just wanted to talk to you. Now come sit down here".

Joe stood facing the window, his hands on his hips. He was furious but had no legitimate reason for the anger. He knew that was something that his father had no tolerance for so he stayed silent. ' I'll just let him talk, all I have to do is listen' he thought and moved back to the bed.

"Alright Joe, since you don't have anything to say I'll simply say what I came to say and leave it at that. I want you to know that I'm aware that Cochise is not lame, and for that matter neither are you".

Joe remained silent but was angrily clenching his jaw.

"Although I am somewhat disappointed that you lied to me, I do think I understand the reason for it. I wanted you to know that and that's it's perfectly alright for you to be afraid".

Joe turned instantly. "Who's afraid? I'm not afraid of anything" he snapped.

Ben tried to smile "Son, there's nothing to be ashamed of, we understand yo....."

Joe jumped to his feet again "Pa I don't know what you're talking about, this is ridiculous. I told you Cochise came up lame and that's exactly what happened" he insisted.

"Son" Ben said softly but steadily, "You told me out in the barn that your leg was bothering you. If you're going to lie to me at least try to be consistent. And just so you know, Adam checked Cochise himself".

"Oh so that's what it boils down to, Adam's word against mine" Joe shouted.

But Ben was not about to let the conversation go in that direction.

"Come on Joseph, you know better than that" Ben said.

He stood up and moved next to Joe "I'll tell you what since you say there isn't a problem, then I don't suppose you'd mind running some errands for me in the morning".

"Sure why not" Joe declared throwing his hands in the air.

"Well that's fine then, I'll have a list ready for you in the morning" Ben said his voice stern.

Refusing to admit anything Joe turned away from him " Fine" he said evenly.

Ben hesitated by the door, this was not the outcome he'd hoped for. He had hoped that Joe would admit that he indeed did have a problem.

"Joseph, if you do want to talk, about anything, I'm willing to listen" Ben told him hopefully.

Joe dropped his head but still did not respond. Ben left the room regretfully. Once he was gone Joe returned to his bed and sat down.

Later that night, Joe tossed and turned in his sleep. Wrestling with the weight of his problem. The toll of it all invaded his dreams. And in his nightmare he once again took the terrifying ride on the sorrel. When he sat up crying out, panic stricken, his father was at his side.

"Joseph it's alright, it's only a dream" Ben told him, wincing.

Joe was gripping his forearms so hard that Ben could almost feel the bruises forming. He kept talking to his son in the same soothing voice until Joe realized that he'd only been dreaming. His suspicions of what the dream had been about were confirmed when Joe said "Pa, I can't breathe, it hurts" he gasped.

"No Son, you were having a bad dream, it's alright now. Try to take a deep breath."

Joe stared at his father, his eyes wide and frightened. He tried to do what his father asked. Slowly the realization that he'd been dreaming came to him and he was able to take a halting breath. Hesitantly he kept taking deeper breaths all the time concentrating on his father's voice. Ben knew he was calming him because the grip on his arms began to loosen and his breathing eventually
returned to normal.

"You alright now?" Ben asked him massaging his shoulders.

Joe nodded "I..I..I guess I had a bad dream. I'm sorry I woke you up Pa".

"That's alright Son, do you want to tell me what it was about?"

Joe shook his head " I don't know, I can't remember what it was about" he said.

Ben still held his shoulder, he could feel the slight
trembling He waited giving him plenty of time.

"You sure?" he asked.

Joe nodded again and gave Ben a forced smile "I'm alright now Pa, I really am sorry I woke you".

Ben sighed deeply "That's okay, why don't you lay down now and try to go back to sleep" he told him gently.

Joe did as he was told, still feeling a bit shaky.

Ben watched Joe pull the covers up over his shoulders and adjust the pillows.

"You want me to stay a little while?" Ben asked him, wanting to give him every opportunity to talk about what was bothering him.

"No Sir, I'm fine. Thanks Pa" Joe assured him and made a show of closing his eyes.

Ben stood up "Alright then goodnight Joseph, and let's have pleasant dreams okay?"

"I'll try, goodnight Pa".

Joe kept his eyes closed and listened to his father's footsteps as he left the room. Once he knew he was alone again he sat up and got out of the bed. He walked to the window and looked out at the sky. It would be sunrise in just a few hours, just as well he thought. For he knew there would be no sleep for him this night. And besides he had something to prove to everybody, including himself.

******************************

Chapter 8

Because sleep had been a hopeless cause, Joe went outside as soon as the sun peeked up over the horizon. He saddled Cochise quickly knowing Adam or his father would be up soon. He had the idea to leave real early and that way he'd have time to go at his own pace. He had the list of errands in his pocket, a few simple details. Pick up the mail, deliver a list of supplies to the mercantile, take a withdrawal out at the bank and pay off last months bill.

He led Cochise outside and checked the cinch one more time. He mounted up like he'd done a thousand times before and Cochise immediately trotted off. She was eager to be on her way but Joe quickly pulled her up short.

He held her to a stop for several minutes, already feeling his pulse racing. Then he took a deep breath and moved forward again, this time at a slow walk. Although resistant at first, Cochise resigned herself to the pace and plodded along carrying her head much lower than usual Nearly two hours passed and Joe faced the fact that he wasn't even off the ranch yet. He pulled his horse up again and sat considering what to do next. He knew that he was not going to get to town, he was never going to make it. A flood of emotions hit him at that moment and he let them come. When he felt in control again he made a decision.

"Change of plans Cochise, let's go up to the lake for awhile" he told her and lightly pressed his heels into her. Cochise who'd been dozing moved along quietly, now adjusted to this new strange pace. Later she stood dozing again, as Joe knelt at his mother's grave.

"I have to go away for awhile Mama, I have to do something that's really hard for me" he said softly.

"If I don't do this, if I don't face this fear, I'm never going to be able to call myself a man again. I have to show Pa, Hoss, and Adam that I can do it, and I have to show me too I guess. Watch out for Pa and my brothers Mama, don't let them worry too much".

Joe stood up, his eyes stinging with tears "I have to go now Mama" he said, then turned and walked to his horse. He took the time to fill his canteen and check his supply of ammunition. He also took his lariat off the saddle and checked it over for wear and tear. Satisfied he secured everything back on the saddle and got back on. He headed into the mountains, after years of tracking the herd he knew their habits, and knew exactly where they'd be. He wasn't in a hurry, he figured he had plenty of time.

Ben did not begin to worry until after dinner and by then he'd sent Hoss to town and was waiting for Adam's return as well.

Adam had gone to check with the various crews working on the ranch to see if anyone had seen him.

By the time Adam returned Ben had been pacing for hours. He turned expectantly when he heard
the door open.

"Well?" he said impatiently.

Adam shook his head as he took off his gunbelt "Nobody's seen him today and I checked everyplace I could think of that he might've gone. Even the places he thinks are a secret, no sign of him".

"Did you check by the lake?" Ben asked him visibly upset.

"Yes, yes I did" Adam told him, he ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated and tired. "Maybe Hoss found him in town, you gotta remember he wouldn't be traveling very fast".

Ben nodded but didn't comment further. He wanted to believe that but somehow in his heart he knew, Joe had not gone to town.

"You want some coffee?" Ben asked.

"Yeah that's okay Pa, I'll get it" Adam said as he went to the kitchen. He returned a few minutes later and sat on the couch to drink his coffee. Ben was standing in front of the fireplace with his back to Adam, staring at the flames that danced before his eyes. Adam could see the tension in his back just by the way he was standing. It was a stance he'd seen many times before in his life, and
one he hated to see.

"Pa relax, they'll probably be back any minute now" Adam assured him, sipping his coffee.

"Ben turned to face him " Adam he's not in town, we both know that already, and you know perfectly well where he did go".

Adam knew but refused to accept it " I don't believe that for a minute" he lied.

Ben was about to say more when Hoss came through the front door. He walked straight to his father, a strained look on his face.

"Pa nobody's seen him in town today, and I asked all over town, including the mercantile and the saloons" Hoss said seriously.

Ben nodded, he was grim faced when he turned to his eldest son.
"Well now what do you say?"

"Pa it can't be, it doesn't make any sense" Adam said trying to remain calm in the face of his father's anger "He could barely sit Cochise at a walk. Do you seriously think he went after that outlaw?"

"Yes I do" Ben shouted no longer able to hold back.

Hoss swallowed hard, it was nearly dark. They couldn't go after him now. That meant he'd have a full day's head start on them.

"Well if that's what the fool kid's done, it won't be hard to catch up with him will it? " Adam snapped and stormed off into the kitchen, finding it necessary to get away from his father's anger.

"Pa we'll light out after him first thing in the morning" Hoss said, hoping to calm his father some.

"Yes we'll do that Son" Ben said no longer shouting "You better get some rest then, we'll leave at sunup".

"Yes Sir, I will Pa, and don't worry we'll find him".

Ben nodded absently looking toward the kitchen "Excuse me Hoss" he said and slipped past him. Ben found him leaning against a counter still drinking his coffee. He was obviously still angry and averted his father's eyes when Ben entered the kitchen. Ben almost smiled but contained himself and stood directly across from him.

"Adam I'm sorry. I took my anxiety about your brother out on you and I had no right to do that" Ben said watching his reaction. Adam's feelings were easily hurt, but only when it came to his father it seemed.

"It's alright, forget it" Adam said but still would not look up at him.

"You know I've been thinking Adam, maybe he did just go off to be by himself. You know how he does that when something's bothering him. Regardless we'll go out looking for him in the morning and see if we can find him".

Adam nodded looking at the floor "Good" he said "You're probably right, he might've just gone off to collect himself".

Adam looked up then and their eyes met. They both knew they were kidding themselves.

*****************************

Chapter 9

By the time Joe made camp for the night, he had managed to endure periods of trotting his horse without the usual fear overwhelming him. He was confident that in time he would be able to overcome the fear that had consumed him.

He had no real plan of how he was going to catch the sorrel. He'd stopped long enough to pick up extra ropes just in case he caught up with him. The only thing he knew for sure was that he had to keep going he could not return home. When he bedded down for the night he fell asleep right away, and slept without the bad dreams.

He woke the next morning feeling strong and refreshed, he was ready to move on. He ate a quick breakfast and cleaned and packed up, being sure to put the campfire out. There was a chill in the air as he headed further up the mountain, he vaquely wondered if it was really the cold or fear that caused him to tremble.

By late afternoon, he'd located the herd, grazing quietly by a riverbank. The sorrel like the rest of the young colts was off away from the main herd. The stallion had driven them off as yearlings and since then the colts had formed their own band of sorts and followed the others from a distance. Occasionally one of the colts would try to rejoin his mother and the others, but the stallion would abrubtly chase him off again.

Most of the colts would eventually attempt to form their own band when they matured, either that or challenge a stallion for his. Some would die in the battle, and some would be caught and turned into saddle horses. Each of the colts undoubtedly carried scars of confrontations with stallions. Some would bide their time and try again, and some would leave the herd and go off on their own.

Joe sat watching the horses mill about and noticed some new foals among them. He wasn't quite ready to go after the sorrel so he decided to make camp for the night and perhaps come up with a plan. He'd managed a slow canter a few times on the way up and although he was still afraid, he knew he was slowly overcoming the fear.

The next morning Joe sat watching the band again, then heaving a great sigh, he rode down toward the herd. The stallion sensed his presence almost immediately and flattened his ears, dropping his head low and snaking along the outside of the band and rounding up the mares. The stallion had learned from experience that it was best to go along with this routine, and all on his own, had the herd on the move.

Joe pulled Cochise to a stop and waited for the colts to follow at the accustomed distance. Joe fell in behind them, following along at a trot. The stallion took them right into the draw that had been used many times before by the Cartwrights for roundup. There was only one way in and out and Joe blocked their way out. He sat now uncoiling his rope and trying to catch sight of the sorrel as the horses franctically circled. He made an appropriate sized loop and then spotted the sorrel, huddled with the other colts,
watching the main members of the herd run around inside the draw searching for another way out. Joe decided the timing was right and moved Cochise out of the way of the opening. The stallion saw his chance and began driving the mares and foals to the opening. Joe knew the colts would hang back as usual and that would give him the time he needed.

They were rushing by so fast it was difficult to pick one from the flash of black, brown and white before his eyes. But they were not the ones he wanted and he looked back at his intended victim. When the main part of the herd was gone Joe moved Cochise back into the opening, just as the colts began to move. Now panicked, the colts dashed about frantically looking to escape. Some tried to climb the steep ridges, scrambling desperately and failing. Joe sat frozen, his concentration on the one horse that he knew could free him from a life of fear.

Suddenly he was there and Joe threw his loop. He watched it sail over the sorrel's neck. Joe hesitated in dallying up his rope and that was all the time the sorrel needed. In an instant the rope was snatched from his hands and the horse ran free, trailing the rope behind him. Joe cursed savagely under his breath and collected his reins. He rode Cochise out of the draw and kicked her into a canter.

The herd was moving fast and he could not rest until he caught up with them. That lariet could become entangled in the sorrel's or the other horse's legs and do serious damage. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. It was a stupid mistake and
unforgivable for a cowmen, he cursed himself because it shouldn't have happened.

Joe followed their trail, keeping Cochise to a trot. It was a steady pace that covered a lot of ground, and she could keep it up for a lot longer than a canter. Being so intent on the task at hand, Joe didn't realize that the fear was gone. He knew only that he had an even bigger job to do now, no matter how long it took.

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Chapter 10

It was three days before Joe found the sorrel again, and when he did it was not under the best circumstances. Just as Joe had feared, he was entangled in the rope Joe had put on him. It appeared that once he was snagged,he'd panicked and gotten himself in even more trouble.

The horse struggled to rise and free himself but he couldn't manage it. He appeared gaunt and exhausted, he'd been fighting a losing battle. He'd obviously been in trouble for some time and Joe stood studying the situation. He felt the fear return at the sight of the horse before him. He was afraid to go near the horse and yet he knew he had to. He walked back to Cochise and took a halter
and some rope from his saddlebags. He took a deep breath and returned to the sorrel with the halter in his hand. He sat down to attach the rope to the halter and checked the strength of the knot, then rose and slowly went to help the sorrel.

The horse began to struggle again as soon as Joe came near, but he was held fast. Careful of the thrashing hooves Joe moved in quickly and slipped the halter over his head. It took several tries to secure the halter but once it was accomplished, he swifly backed away. He moved then to the next closest tree and tied the rope around it, double checking again to make sure it was secure. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his knife, trembling with fear as he returned to the frantic animal, he cut the animal free with several cuts of the rope.

Joe was unavoidably kicked as the horse struggled to rise, and once he found his feet he dashed away, unaware of the new rope
attached to him now. When the new rope pulled him up short, the sorrel fought furiously against it. Joe watched numbly, cut pieces of rope hanging from his limp arms. He backed up and slumped to the ground, knowing the new rope would hold and that it was a matter of time before the sorrel would give up the fight.

It was in fact an hour before the sorrel stood trembling, his head down, his sides heaving, defeated.

Joe slowly got to his feet again undecided about what to do next. He knew it would still be dangerous to approach the horse but he had to do something. Carefully he began walking toward the sorrel again, his heart beating so hard it hurt. The sorrel watched him approach, his ears alert and his eyes unmoving. The thought occured to Joe that the horse was just as afraid as he was and suddenly a smile came to his face.

"I know how you feel boy, I feel the same way" Joe said softly.

The sorrel pricked his ears forward to listen, seeing his reaction Joe was elated. He kept talking hoping to keep him interested.

"I think we had us a little misunderstanding boy, and I think we need to start over. I knew you were different the first time I saw you and I should've realized right from the start that I couldn't get through to you the same way. I want another chance if it's alright with you".

To Joe's amusement the sorrel bobbed his head up and down.

"Hey fella, that's the perfect name for you, Chance. What d'ya think?"

The sorrel's ears flicked back and forth, wary but curious.

Joe cautiously moved a few steps closer. The sorrel's head came up but he held his ground.

"It's okay Chance, I'm not gonna hurt you, I promise you that".

Joe told him and slowly moved a little closer. He couldn't decide whether the horse was simply exhausted or was actually getting used to him. Not wanting to question it too much he kept inching closer. All the time he was moving he kept talking until he was barely a foot away. Whenever he sensed the horse's fear he stopped and talked some more. He tried to look the horse over and look for an obvious injuries but he never tried to touch him, it was too risky.

"You know Chance, my family doesn't think I can ride you, but they're wrong. If we can come to an understanding, if we can go real slow, we can do it. We just need some time to get to know each other that's all".

An idea occured to Joe and he very slowly backed away and returned to Cochise. When he returned to the sorrel he had a canteen in his hand. The newly named Chance, watched his every move but didn't react. Joe poured water into his hand and inch by inch held it out to the sorrel. Chance drew his head back and tossed it with defiance, sidestepping away. Joe remained motionless and Chance looked back at him nervously blowing out his breath. He smelled the water though and his thirst got the best of him. Tentatively he reached his nose toward the outstretched hand, snorting his anxiety. Joe's muscles
screamed with tension but didn't budge.

After what seemed an eternity, the horse greedily sucked the little bit of water off Joe's hand. Exhilarated Joe carefully poured more into his hand and held it out to Chance. Without hesitation this time the sorrel drank it right up.

By the time the canteen was empty Joe was standing inches away. It felt surreal to him and he didn't want to leave. He pretty much told Chance his whole life story, now and then leaving to get more water for the horse, until he reached the point where he could walk right up to the horse without so much as a flinch. By nightfall Joe was able to put his hand on the horse's neck. Neither of them had any fear as Joe stroked the sleek hide and a new bond of trust began to grow between them.

Joe relunctantly left the horse only to get some sleep for the night. He'd managed to retie the sorrel closer to the tree with hardly any resistance from Chance. When he walked away from the sorrel he was smiling happily.

The next morning, Joe decided what he needed was more time with Chance. To do that he would have to allude his family for awhile. He wasn't far from where they'd be looking for him, so he had to head west toward the Truckee road, and then head up north again. He knew where there was a trappper's cabin and could stay for as long as it took. And if he was lucky, he'd have all the time he needed.

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Chapter 11

Joe had been at the cabin for more than a week when he decided to send word to his family. He went into town and sent the message. It was a simple message, simply stating that he was well and to please give him time to do what he needed to do,
although not stating what that was.

Ben and his brothers had searched for three days and than abandoned the search only to see if he'd returned home. Not
finding him there they checked once again with anyone who might've seen him.

They were planning on another search when Ben recieved the messsage. Although clearly relieved, Ben was still concerned about his son's plans.

"Well at least we know he's alright" Adam said after hearing the news.

"But what does it mean, where is he? He left out that little piece of information" Ben declared waving the note in the air.

"Well obviously it means he wants to be alone for awhile".

Adam said seemingly unconcerned as he picked up the newspaper and went back to reading.

"Why, what's he up to? That's what I want to know, I don't like this" Ben said.

Adam peeked over the paper, a puzzled expression on his face "Pa what's the difference, I'm sure he'll explain everything when he get's home. Don't worry so much, you'll make yourself crazy".

Ben spun around from his pacing " You mean to tell me you're not worried".

Adam shrugged "Nope, not a bit, not anymore".

"Well I guess that's the difference between me and you, I worry" Ben stated with his hands on his hips.

Adam gave a short laugh "Yeah well that's why you have all that grey hair and I don't".

Ben glared at his eldest son and pointed a finger at him.

"Yeah well while you're at it, you thank your lucky stars that you don't have three stubborn, exasperating sons either" he thundered.

Adam met his father's angry stare and then suddenly started to chuckle. Despite his best efforts Ben laughed too, the tension broken.

Back at the cabin Joe was dealing with his own kind of tension. He had Chance wearing Cochise's saddle and was just
about ready to pull the cinch tight. He knew when he did there was a good possibility that Chance would explode. Joe wasn't quite sure he was ready to deal with that yet, but he'd come this far, there was no turning back now.

He pulled the saddle tighter inch by inch, until he was sure it was secured, all the time watching for any sudden moves. Once he was sure Chance had accepted it, he walked him to Cochise and vaulted on her back. From there they left for a nice quiet ride, Joe leading Chance along at Cochise's side. He wanted to get him used to the saddle and figured it was the best way to do it.
He continued to lead Chance on these daily ventures for almost two weeks. The rest of the time he spent handling and petting him constantly, lifting his legs and talking to him all the time. Chance grew so used to his touch and voice that he actually drowsed one afternoon as Joe told him all about his plans for the future.

As the time passed a bond developed, not only between Joe and Chance, but also between Chance and Cochise. Joe had worried somewhat about Cochise becoming resentful of the colt. But she had done just the opposite, she seemed almost motherly to him.
Joe decided to use that relationship to his advantage on the fateful day when he attempted the ride again. Cochise stood next to Chance when Joe pulled the cinch tighter than he'd ever dared before.

He felt Chance tense up but that was his only reaction. Then he gradually relaxed. "Okay Cochise, what d'ya say we give it a try?" Joe said as he untied her and threw the rope over her neck. He walked to Chance's left side and took a deep breath. This is it Joe, he said to himself, the moment of truth, it all comes down to this moment.

"Okay Chance, we're gonna put our friendship to the test now" Joe told him as he gathered up the reins. Slowly he blew out his breath and then carefully put his left foot in the stirrup. He knew it would be diastrous to hesitate so he swung into the saddle and
eased his leg over the other side. He lowered himself, all the time holding his breath. When he made contact with the saddle he felt the sorrel tense and hunch up his back. A quiver ran through him as the animal became tight as a spring.

"It's alright boy it's only me" Joe told him just above a whisper. He nearly laughed out loud when Chance turned his head and regarded him with a very puzzled expression.

"See fella, it's only me, you know I won't hurt you".

Chance flicked his ears back and forth and reached out to snuff Joe's boot, snorting loudly. Joe kept talking in no hurry to go anywhere. He knew it was calming Chance and getting him accustomed to the weight on his back.

"We don't have to rush this Chance, I'll follow your lead, we'll do this at your pace buddy" Joe said and began to relax a little himself.

More than thirty minutes passed before Joe attempted to move him away from the fence. He reached over and pulled the rope from Cochise's neck and guided her away from the fence. When Cochise moved forward, Chance fell in beside her. Joe was able to control Cochise with only the rope and his voice and she seemed to understand what was happening. He didn't try to control
Chance with his hands or feet, he simply sat as still as possible and let him walk with Cochise as he'd done before, stride for stride, side by side.

Some days later at the ranch, Ben was preparing to go looking again for his youngest son. He added a bedroll to the back of the cantle, his face wearing the weeks of concern for Joe. He'd sat and waited long enough, it was time to take action and try to find him.

"I still think you're making a mistake" Adam told him holding on to his father's saddlebags and other gear " You don't even know where he is".

"Well I have some ideas, it's better than just sitting around here and imagining the worst", Ben retorted and snatched the saddlebags from him.

"Pa that could take weeks or longer, he may be back by then and you'd have no way of knowing" Hoss added hopefully.

Ben turned to them " Look Hoss, I can't wait around any longer for may be, I have to do something or I'll never get any peace. You two just take care of things for me while I'm gone. As soon as I can I'll sen......." Ben stopped when he saw Hoss' mouth drop open and Adam's face register a look of shock. He turned slowly to see what had caught their attention and dropped the saddlebags. Joe was casually riding into the yard aboard the infamous sorrel and leading Cochise.

Ben was overcome with several emotions as he watched his son come closer and then finally stop in front of them. He had an impulse to hug and shake the boy at the same time, and felt weak with relief. The shock of seeing him on the back of the sorrel was overwhelming but Joe seemed unaffected as he rode up to the tie rail and dismounted. He easily tied both horses and turned to his
stunned family. Hoss spoke up first.

"Joe ain't that the same hor....?" he began.

"Yes it is " Joe answered looking directly at his father.

Adam looked from the horse to his brother " How in the world did you catch him?" he asked.

" I just herded them into the draw and then singled him out" Joe told him, leaving out the part about
losing his catch.

"Is that where you've been all this time?" Ben asked him.

Joe dropped his head for a moment, then met his father's eyes again. "Yes Sir, I caught him about four weeks ago and then moved him to the trapper's camp. I needed time to work with him Pa, time to gain his trust otherwise I never would have attempted to ride him again" Joe's eyes fell again "I'm sorry I made you all worry, I knew you would, that's why I sent word".

Ben turned to Hoss and Adam "Boys take care of Joe's horses" Ben said indicating that he wanted to talk alone with Joe, but neither of them moved.

"Look Pa, I know you're angry at me but I had to do it. If I didn't I knew I'd never be of any use on this ranch again. I had to do it!" Joe said desperate for his father to understand.

"You mean to tell me you think your only worth here is that of a cowhand?" Ben said his eyes narrowed.

Joe shook his head "No Sir, that's not what I meant. I guess I had to know that I could overcome the fear. So I could move on whether it be here or anywhere else. And I did it Pa, I did. Look at him" Joe said pointing to the sorrel who now stood docily tied next to Cochise "He's gonna be a great saddle horse Pa. The same horse Adam said was untamable, and I did it. It wasn't just Adam though, you all said I couldn't do it, but I did it anyway".

It was then that Ben realized they had indeed told him it couldn't be done. And for Joe, that was all the more reason to do it. The boy that stood before him now was a complete contrast to how he was when he left. Now he was self assured, confident, able
to look his father in the eye without a flinch. Joe knew he'd been right and it showed.

"I suppose in a sense we did say it couldn't be done Joe, but we were only looking out for you, you have to understand that" Ben told him, his voice was quieter now.

Joe nodded "I know, and I do. But you all can't keep me a kid forever, sometimes I have to do what my heart tells me to do. And my heart told me I could master him, and I could do whatever I had to to take care of myself"

Ben smiled, his heart full. "I know Son, we were wrong, and we're sorry, I'm sorry " Ben said and did what his own heart told him by taking Joe into his arms " I'm glad you're home and very thankful that you're safe".

Hoss gulped the lump in his throat " That goes double for us little brother " he said.

"That's right Joe" Adam added "I never would've believed it, but I should've known better, I'm proud of you".

"Thanks Adam" Joe said surprised at how much that statement meant to him.

"We're all very proud of you" Ben agreed "Why don't you
come inside now and get something to eat, you look half starved".

"Sounds great" Joe declared and started to walk inside with his father. Suddenly he pulled up and
turned back to his brothers " Well don't just stand there, you heard what Pa said, take care of my
horses!"

Ben laughed loudly and flung an arm over Joe's shoulder as they walked into the house, leaving
Adam and Hoss looking bewildered in their wake.
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The End

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