The Storm - Mary Stone

CHAPTER 1

Ben Cartwright followed Doctor Paul Martin down the stairs, and into the sprawling living area of the log home that housed the Cartwright family. Ben's two youngest sons sat on the sofa waiting to hear what the doctor had to say. Ben's eldest son Adam, was the cause of the doctor's visit. The family had just returned home with him after he'd been missing for more than two weeks. Just when they were about to abandon the search, they'd found him, delirious and dragging a dead man on a travios. When Ben had approached him he'd become hysterical, babbling something about gold and games. It had frightened Ben to the point that he shouted at him, causing recognition to return to Adam's eyes and he crumbled to the ground, crying bitterly as Ben had gathered him in his arms, until the storm passed. Ben had cried too, but it was relief at finding the son he'd given up for lost. The whole family had been shocked at the condition they'd found him in. But more troubling was Adam's silence about what happened to him. He made it clear he did not want to talk about it, so they didn't ask anymore. Adam had only asked his father one question on the second day after they'd found him.

" Is Cain dead?"

" Cain? Is that the man who was with you when we......?" Ben started to ask, but Adam nodded before he finished.

" Yes Adam, he was dead" Ben said quietly. He saw something in Adam's eyes that made him ask " Who was he son?" But Adam turned away and never mentioned him again. That was all the information Ben had, a name. He had not said another word about his experience throughout the trip home. And he hardly spoke at all about anything else. Doctor Martin sat on the sofa taking the cup of coffee Joe held out to him. He sipped from the cup before addressing the family.

" Well I have to say, I can't imagine what shape he was in when you found him, but he is on the road to recovery. I definitely saw signs of dehydration and exhaustion, but nothing that time won't mend. He needs time to get his strength back, so just make sure he takes it easy for awhile"

There seemed to come a collected sigh of relief as they all exchanged glances.

" You say he hasn't told you what happened?" Paul asked

" No sir" Hoss said " And he makes it mighty plain he don't wanna tell us"

" Whatever happened must've been just awful for him, I've never seen him like that before" Joe added, his face drawn.

" The boys are right Paul, I mean if you'd seen him when we found him, it was absolutely heartwrenching for all of us" Ben agreed, feeling the pain all over again.

" Well Ben thank God you found him when you did. Anyway he's home now and will be fine. You shouldn't have any further need of my services.

Although he did say he's having trouble sleeping so I gave him a sedative for tonight, he did seem kind've anxious. Let me know if the problems continues and I'll see him again." Paul said and rose to leave " Well I better get back to town, thank you for the coffee boys"

Ben walked him to the door " Thank you Paul, thanks for coming right out I appreciate it" Ben said

" Oh you're welcome Ben, and I think you should all try to get some sleep tonight, you look like you could use it. Goodnight Ben, goodnight boys" Paul said as he waved and left the house.

" We will Paul" Ben called watching him ride away in the fading sunset. He walked back to his sons and sat down. He cleared his throat and said, " Well I guess we just give him some time and things will get back to normal " Ben said wishing he really believed his own words.

" I sure do wish we knew what happened to him, and who that feller with him was that was with him. It seems to me he'd feel a heap of a lot better if we talked about it" Hoss said, his voice etched with concern.

" I'm sure he will when he's ready Hoss" Ben assured him. He was concerned himself with Adam's withdrawal. " But you know Adam, he does things in his own good time"

The others nodded their agreement and all grew silent. Hoss stood up and stretched, " I'm gonna hit the sack Pa, it's gonna be mighty good to sleep in my own bed again, night all"

Ben said goodnight to him as he walked up the stairs and then turned to his youngest son who was lost in thought

" Joseph, aren't you just about worn out too?" Ben asked him

Joe looked up at his father, " What?" he said and then realized what Ben had said, " Oh yeah right Pa, I'll get on to bed too, goodnight"

Ben watched him disappear up the stairs in Hoss' path and then took a deep breath. Now he could check on Adam and get some sleep himself. Adam lay in his bed watching his room grow dark as the sun went down. Things were just beginning to get fuzzy as the effects of the sedative took hold. His eyes were beginning to grow heavy when Ben walked in with a dimly lit lantern. He placed it on the table by the bed and sat down. He watched Adam fight off the sleep

" How ya doing son?" Ben said softly

" Fine Pa " Adam said barely above a whisper. When Adam realized he was falling asleep he was overcome with the unmistakable fear again, and tried to avoid it. The sedative was strong though and he could not keep his eyes open. He remembered something he'd wanted to tell his father

" Pa, I'm sorry about the money" he said trying to make his voice sound normal

" Adam I told you before, I don't care about the money, having you home safe is worth everything to me" Ben assured him but it did not allay Adam's guilt over the stolen money. His eyes closed and he could not open them again. He felt a strange floating sensation and then his father's hand on his head, caressing and comforting, and then he heard his father's voice say, " I love you Adam" .

Adam turned away and tried to will himself to sleep thinking, " No Pa, don't love me anymore because I'm not who you thought I was. I took another man's life for no other reason than to silence him, and a killer is not worthy of love"

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CHAPTER 2

Adam threw himself back into the routine of ranch work hoping that he would begin to feel like himself again. As hard as he tried, he could not shake the feeling that he was a different person now, that no matter what he did to avoid it someone was going to catch on sooner or later. He felt a sense of detachment from everyone and everything around him, as though he was merely a spectator in his own life. By all outward appearances he seemed back to normal, but inside his feelings were in
turmoil. He ate, but didn't taste the food, went to bed at night like the rest, but did not sleep. Sleep became what he feared most, because he was sure if he closed his eyes and slept, he would wake up and find that his being home had all been a dream. He talked and laughed with his family, but it always felt as if it were someone else doing it. Everything that in the past had brought him pleasure, now seemed to have no meaning. He tried to read the books in his room, but would find himself reading the same sentence over and over. He picked up his guitar to play it, and could suddenly not remember what it was that made him play before. In time he convinced himself that he had somehow died inside, that he couldn't feel anything anymore. He did not question it after awhile because it seemed appropriate to him. But his father saw it, or rather sensed it, that Adam was not the same. At times he looked worse than he had when they brought him home, he was too thin, and he had deep dark circles under his eyes. If Ben tried to comment on his appearance he would insist that he was fine, and that his father was over reacting. In desperation Ben went to see the Doctor, but he could offer no help. He told Ben it was not a medical problem, and therefore not something that could be treated. He promised to contact some colleagues of his, who might be able to offer some help, but could not promise anything. He once again told him to give it more time.

So the Cartwright family went about their lives as if nothing had ever happened. The four of them developed an inner voice that would repeat to them, just give it more time, you just need more time. Adam was alone on the ranch one day trying to go over some cutting figures for his father. Even simple tasks seemed to overwhelm him now. He went over the figures again and again and could not seem to make them come out right. He was growing very frustrated when there came a knock on the
door. He went to answer it almost relieved to be called away from his unpleasant chore. He opened the door to find Maryann Crawford, a girl he'd been seeing a lot of, before leaving for Eastgate with Joe. He stood holding the door open as he stared at her. He was thinking that he should be feeling something at the sight of her.

" Can I come in?" she said coyly, nearly startling him

" Oh I'm sorry, of course come on in" Adam apologized and held the door open as she sauntered in and walked to the sofa making herself comfortable. Adam closed the door and tried to ignore the feeling of being trapped. He tried to think of the right things to say to her. " It's good to see you Maryann" he said wondering if it sounded as hollow as he felt

She smiled at him with pleasure though " It's good to see you too Adam. I'm sorry I took so long to visit but I knew you needed time to get back on your feet. I was so worried about you but I must say you look as good as ever" she said blushing at her own words " I've missed you Adam"

" I've missed you too" Adam said and wondered why he hadn't, he hadn't even thought about her until this very moment. She was looking at him, watching him, wanting him to say more as she discreetly moved closer to him.

" Have you Adam? Then why haven't you been to town to see me?" she asked

It was the question Adam dreaded, " Well it's been a tough readjustment Maryann and we've been awful busy, I guess I ......."

But she cut him off suddenly by putting her arms around his neck and ugging him " That's okay Adam, I'm just so happy to see you " she said. She felt him stiffen and resist and realized he wasn't returning the hug.She pulled away and regarded him with her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes

" What is it Adam, what's wrong?"

Adam could not look at her, he didn't know what to say

" Adam have I done something wrong?" she asked fearful that she had somehow offended him.

" No no, of course not, I'm sorry. I'm just preoccupied I guess" he said hating himself for not being able to do and say the things she obviously needed from him.

Maryann did not understand at all. They had been becoming quite close before he left for his trip and now he was acting like he hardly knew her. She had thought she knew him, but he was different somehow, something had changed him.

"Adam I just expected you to be a lot happier to see me" she said trying not to sound as hurt as she felt.

" Well maybe you shouldn't expect anything from me" Adam snapped back surprising himself at how loudly and viciously it came out.

Maryann was shattered as she put her hand to her mouth and stared at him. She couldn't speak, she rushed out of the house nearly colliding with Ben who was on his way in. Adam heard his father call out to her, he knew he should go after her and apologize, but he didn't move. He told himself it was for the best, he didn't want her to think their relationship was serious anyway, she would be better off without him. Ben closed the door, a puzzled expression on his face. he moved to the living area to his son

" What was that all about?" he said pointing to the door

" Nothing" Adam mumbled keeping his eyes on the floor

" The girl was in tears Adam, and you say it's nothing?" Ben said nearly shouting it.

" It's none of your business" Adam retorted and rose to go to his room.

Ben was tempted to go after him but he didn't. He realized that Adam was striking out only because he was hurting inside. It wasn't like him to intentionally hurt anyone. Hoss walked in then slamming the door behind him

" Pa, did Adam and Miss Maryann have a fight? She just rode of like a scared rabbit"

" I'm not sure son, but I suspect Adam said something that hurt her feelings"

Hoss frowned " What in tarnation's got into him, he's been walking around here like a coiled snake"

Ben shook his head " I don't know Hoss, but I'm afraid it's going to get worse before it gets better" he said then turned his eyes to the stairs,  If I could just talk to him, but he avoids me at all costs. He's shutting everyone out and I don't even know why"

Hoss pulled an apple from the fruit bowl and sat on the sofa, polishing the apple on his shirt before taking a hearty bite. After chewing a bit, he looked thoughtfully at his father " Pa I ain't saying I know what Adam's going through, but I do know Adam. It seems to me he's feeling almost ashamed about something"

Ben turned to Hoss and sat by the fireplace " Ashamed, of what?"

" Well Pa, I ain't rightly sure, but it sure seems like there's something eatin' at him. I'm just saying what I see, or what I think I see"

" I don't know Hoss" Ben said pondering that idea. The door clicked open and Joe came in and smiled at his family. He took off his gunbelt and then slapped dust off his clothes with his hat.

" Couldn't you do that outside?" Ben asked frowning at him " Sorry Pa" Joe said joining Hoss on the sofa " Hey Hoss toss me one of them apples"

Hoss lobbed one to him and turned back to his father " Pa I know he's been resisting it, but how come we don't tell Adam we want to have a family meeting, and we just talk about what's bothering him. Maybe he just needs a little push, I hate to see him fretting so"

Ben squinted his eyes and frowned, " I don't know Hoss I don't want him to feel cornered"

" Me either" Joe added a little too loudly, as he looked angrily at Hoss

" Just let him be, he'll come around on his own" he said and was quickly embarrassed by two sets of eyes staring at him " Look he's made it plain he don't want to talk about it, so why can't we just leave him alone?" he said trying to justify his outburst.

He got up from the sofa to escape them " It looked like rain when I rode in, I'm gonna put the horses in for the night"

Ben watched him leave then turned to Hoss " What's got into him now?"

" Oh Pa, don't pay him no mind, he's just feeling the strain like the rest of us" Hoss offered but Ben knew instinctively that there was more to it

" Did he say something to you?" he asked

" Look Pa, he asked me not to say anything to you and..."

Ben caught Hoss' eye " Hoss, don't we have enough of that going on around here?" Ben said cutting him off

Hoss still hesitated, not wanting to betray his younger brother. " Well sir, I reckon Little Joe's feeling a might guilty" he said

" Guilty, about what?" Ben exclaimed

" Oh about Adam and what happened to him. He said if he'd gone with him instead of staying in Eastgate, it wouldn't of happened"

" He doesn't know that" Ben said solemnly

" I know Pa, I tried to tell him but he's got it in his head that things would'a turned out different if he'd been there with him"

Ben abruptly stood and walked out of the house, heading toward the barn. He stopped just outside the door and took a deep breath before entering. Meanwhile Hoss had ideas of his own, as he climbed the stairs and stopped just outside Adam's room. He knocked lightly and held his breath waiting. He heard a muffled 'come in' and relieved he let out his breath
and opened the door. Adam looked up at his entrance, a little surprised to see Hoss, he obviously been expecting someone else.

" Howdy Adam, you mind if I talk to you a minute?"

" Course not, sit down" Adam said hating how flat it sounded

" Well I was just wondering, well things have slowed down now and I figured if Pa ain't got no objections, maybe you an me could go hunting" Hoss said watching his brother's face

" Hunting?" Adam said more surprised at the content of the question than anything else.

" Yeah why not? Look Adam I promised myself if we ever got the chance again it was something we'd do. Maybe I'm being plumb selfish but I'd sure like you to go with me"

Adam smiled, surprised that he still could " Alright Hoss, we'll go hunting" he said secretly hoping it would renew
his soul. " As soon as Pa says he can spare us"

" Good " Hoss said slapping his palms on his legs as he stood up " Now we just gotta figure out what to do when Little Joe begs to go along"

Adam was still smiling so Hoss made a decision to chance one more thing " Hey Adam, that reminds me, there's something I was wondering. Do you reckon things would'a turned out differently if you and Joe had left Eastgate together?"

Adam shuddered at the question hoping Hoss didn't see it. How many times had he grappled with that same question, and then thanked God that Joe had stayed behind.

" No I don't think so Hoss, it's probably best that he wasn't with me" Adam answered quietly

" Yeah that's what I figured " Hoss said " Maybe you ought'a tell him. See ya Adam" Hoss said not bothering to explain his comment, Adam would figure it out.

CHAPTER 3

Ben had thought it too good to be true when Hoss told him Adam had agreed to go hunting. He was a little concerned when Hoss explained the reason for the trip but he felt they had to try something. And the one person that could always get through to Adam, was Hoss. So Ben decided to let them go and trust Hoss to handle things in his own way. Joe was a little put out but didn't express it to anyone. He was as desperate as the others to help Adam, and just as helpless as to how to do it. When they had found Adam Joe was overwhelmed with relief, knowing in his heart he never would have recovered from the guilt if Adam had not been found. But since finding him in the condition he was in, he was dealing with a worse feeling of responsibility. Joe stood watching them pack for the trip and noticed how Adam seemed almost his old self.

" Where're you gonna go?" he asked them as they oaded supplies onto the pack horse.

Adam and Hoss stopped to lookat each other, both figuring the other had a destination in mind. " I reckon we'll just scout around up by the lake, maybe check out that area first" Hoss suggested

" Sounds good to me" Adam agreed

" I'm gonna get ole Chub ready" Hoss said and went off to the corral.

Adam looked over at Joe as he tied his bedroll to the saddle

" Tell you what Joe, when Hoss and I get back, you and I will plan to take a trip together"

Joe knew Adam was simply trying to be fair, " That ain't necessary" he said

" Oh come on, Pa is feeling generous right now, why not take advantage" Adam said winking at him

" Yeah okay " Joe said dryly " Why don't we go to New York?" Joe suggested half heartedly

Adam's eyebrows shot up " You mean it, you'd like to go east?" he asked him, not sure if he was serious or not\

: Why wouldn't I? You've been telling me about it for years" Joe challenged

" Yeah I know but I thought you just listened to placate me" Joe gave him an insulted look " You know I would like to see other parts of the world someday, same as you"

" Well than it's a date" Adam said firmly " We're going to New York together real soon, that's a promise" he declared holding out his hand

They shook on it just as Hoss called out to Adam " We better get going Adam if we wanna make camp before dark"

" Alright I'll be right there" Adam shouted back, then turned back to Joe " Listen, when I get back I want to talk to you about something" he said as he pulled a bridle over his horse's head and slipped the bit in his mouth.

Joe was curious now, "About what?"

" We'll talk about it when I get back"

Joe was a little concerned now as he studied his brother's face " Okay sure" he said as Adam threw the reins over his horse's neck and secured the pack horse to his own.

" Do me a favor Joe and tell Pa we're ready to go" Adam said as he climbed on his horse.

Joe walked in the house without a word as Adam moved the horse to where Hoss was waiting by the barn. A few minutes later Ben and Joe emerged from the house.

" Looks like you boys are all set" Ben stated " I'll expect you back in about one week"

" You got it Pa and we'll see if we can't bring you home a trophy" Hoss said

" You do that Hoss, be careful now" Ben called as they rode away. Joe stood beside his father and watched his brothers disappear around the corner

" I hope this is what he needs " Joe said quietly

Ben looked at him and put an arm around his shoulder " I hope so too son" he said

" You know what? He said he'd we could go to New York together" Joe said brightly turning to his father

" Really?" Ben said enthusiastically " Why that's wonderful, that would be an adventure wouldn't it."

" That's for sure, I hope he means it" Joe said and went back to his chores.

Ben sighed deeply, relieved to see some happiness in his family again. He looked in the direction his older sons had gone and silently prayed " Watch over them Lord"

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CHAPTER 4

Adam and Hoss settled themselves in front of the campfire they'd built as darkness settled in around them. It was a chilly night and they prepared for it as best they could.

" Remember how scary it was when Pa brought us up here as kids?" Adam remarked, it seemed like such a long time ago.

" Yeah but back then none of us was willing to admit we were scared" Hoss said

Adam smiled as he sipped his coffee, yes he remembered although with Joe you knew by his actions that he was scared. He wouldn't say anything, but when it was time to bed down for the night he had insisted on having someone on either side of him at camp. Adam's face suddenly turned serious when he remembered how on their recent trip home he'd done something very similar, but in a very subtle way. He had stayed very close to Adam, practically underfoot all the time. And when they'd made camp each night he had slept very close by, which Adam realized now was to reassure himself, because he was scared.

" Adam you alright?" Adam heard Hoss say through his thoughts.

" What? Oh yeah sorry"

" You were a million miles away, what were you thinking about?" Hoss asked him hoping for some insight

" Oh just how brave Joe's always tried to be to impress us"

Hoss broke out in his impish grin " Yeah I reckon he figures he's got us pretty well convinced by now" he said " I reckon he's trying real hard even now"

Adam didn't comment, he finished his coffee, and reached to fill the cup again. Hoss was trying to think of a way to ask Adam a difficult question without making him uncomfortable.

" Hey Adam, why don't you feel like you can tell us what happened to ya? You know sometimes it's okay not to be brave?"

Adam winced and studied the contents of his cup. He felt himself tense up until it seemed he could feel every nerve in his body. He didn't want to talk about this, but it was Hoss who was asking, and he trusted Hoss with whatever he told him. With Hoss he never felt pressured or expected to act or be a certain way, Hoss took him as he was, he always had and that's was what Adam liked best about their relationship.

" It's not like I don't want to Hoss, it's nothing against any of you. It's just that, even to think about it again is just too ............"
" Awful?" Hoss finished for him

Adam looked up solemnly and nodded " I can't really explain it but it's like I have this whole closet just full of junk and I just don't have the strength to sort through it all, it's just too much"

Hoss almost turned away from the pain in his brother's eyes, but resisted the urge to tell him what he felt, " Adam you realize how much strength it's taking for you to hold that door shut?" he said and walked away so that Adam would think about it.

And Adam did, but it didn't change the fact that he could not bear to deal with it or share it. It was somehow easier to pretend that if he just ignored it, if he didn't talk about it, it would all go away. He knew he could never tell his family what he'd done. The fear of how it would change things between them was what haunted him, they could never know. Adam was relieved when Hoss returned, he welcomed any kind of diversion from his thoughts.

" You reckon we ought'a go up further north or go where Pa used to take us?" Hoss asked as he settled back down in his original spot.

" Don't matter to me" Adam stated " We'll go wherever you want"

" Alright then, I wanna head up north, I got a feeling that's where I'm gonna get the chance to use my new rifle" Hoss said his voice touched with excitement

" What new rifle?" Adam said curiously

" I'll show ya" Hoss said jumping up again

He came back beaming as he handed Adam the rifle. Adam took it from him and said " Where'd you get this thing?"

" I bought it off of Tuck Hanson, it can shoot a moving target at more'n two hundred yards"
Adam whistled as he turned it over in his hands and examined it.

He put it up to his shoulder as if taking aim at something, then handed it back to Hoss, " That's a nice gun brother" he said admiringly

" I tell you what older brother, if you see anything worthwhile tomorrow you can use it too" Hoss offered with a grin as he propped the rifle next to him.

" I'll do my best" Adam said smiling at him with affection. He had noticed a strange sensation when he held the rifle to his shoulder but was sure it was just that he was tired. As if reading his thoughts, Hoss stood and brushed his pants off saying, " Well I wanna light out early so I'm gonna get some sleep, how about you?"

" Yeah in a little while Hoss, you go ahead I'll take care of the things" Adam offered not really wanting to face sleep for the moment.

" Alright Adam, see you in the morning, goodnight" Hoss said and walked off to his bedroll.

" Night Hoss" Adam said after him and turned back to look into the fire. He poured himself yet another cup of coffee and wondered at the slight trembling in his hands.

Hoss lay under his blanket wondering what it was that was different about his brother. Something was missing and he was sure if he could just figure out what it was, he could help him. And the desire to do so was what had become the main focus in his life.

CHAPTER 5

By the third day Adam and Hoss had ridden far enough north to start seeing snow. They turned up their collars, and slowed their pace, mindful of the horses' footing. Adam found the cold exhilarating, the bite of the cold felt good to his senses which he feared had gone numb. It was a good way to keep him alert, since leaving home he hadn't slept at all. When they made up their camps for the night it would bring back memories he was doing his best to forget. As hard as he tried to forget though, the events of those weeks would come back to him at the most inopportune times. And each time he would be filled with a sense of desperation, because it was a reminder that he was in fact not in control of himself. As much as he enjoyed his brother's company the trip was becoming difficult. Certain sights, sounds, or even smells would cause all he was trying to contain to rise to the surface and threaten to break. Adam knew if that happened he may never gain control of himself again, he was afraid of his own emotions.

" I think we're beyond the border of the ranch now" Hoss said breaking into his thoughts " You wanna keep heading this way?"

Adam pulled his horse up alongside Hoss " Might as well, I have a feeling that's where they've moved to, getting ready for winter early"

They'd only ridden another couple miles when they came upon the herd they were tracking. They quickly dismounted the horses and hurried behind some brush to study them
.
" Look'it the size of that buck Adam" Hoss exclaimed pointing toward the group.Adam looked where Hoss was pointing and located him, he watched in awe as the majestic animal sniffed the air, somehow seeming to sense impending danger.

" I don't think we should shoot him" Adam said quietly

Hoss turned to his brother a puzzled expression on his face " Adam you forgettin' why we come up here?"

Adam frowned at him " No I ain't forgetting, I'm just saying it doesn't have to be him. Look Hoss if we kill him what're we gonna leave to improve the herd? If people like us keep coming out here killing off the biggest and the best, in a few years there won't be much of a herd left"

Hoss was looking at him as the idea sank in " I guess you're right Adam, I don't reckon I ever thought of it that way" he said turning to look at the elk.

Although Adam was sincere, the truth was he wasn't sure he could fire the rifle in his hands. For some reason the thought of it had caused him to break out in a cold sweat. He'd also noticed he was feeling a strange floating feeling, as if he were dreaming. And the ringing in his ears that had begun moments before was slowly getting louder. He was glad Hoss had
his back to him, that way Hoss would get a shot off first and he might not have to fire at all.

" I tell ya what Adam" Hoss said turning back to him " Seeing how far off they are, I'll put my rifle right here between me and you, and if you see something worthwhile you get to take the first shot"

Something in the way Hoss said it, the words or the tone, caused an instant flashback in Adam's mind. Hoss' voice became Kane's voice, echoing in his mind, taunting him as the ringing in his ears grew louder, and reached an unbearable pitch. And the voice said over and over " You take the first shot, you take the first shot"

Adam squeezed his eyes shut and clapped his hands over his ears trying to drive out the sounds, but he couldn't silence the voice.

" Adam what's a matter, you alright?" Hoss said stupefied at his brother's actions. He felt cold fear grip his stomach, what was happening? He reached out to touch Adam's arm and he reacted by bolting toward the gun. He grabbed it and swung it up and down like an axe crying " No more, no more!"

Hoss watched dumbfounded for a moment, then rushed to his brother's side " Adam stop it! Let go of it!" Hoss commanded but Adam seemed completely unaware of him. Seeing no other option Hoss grabbed him from behind, pinning his arms to his sides. For several minutes Adam continued his outburst then suddenly he let go of what remained of the rifle like it was on fire. He looked at his bleeding hands as if they belonged to someone else.

Hoss turned him around still gripping his arms " It's okay Adam, you're with me, it's okay" Hoss assured him

" What happened?" Adam asked him still staring, his confusion grew at seeing the pieces of the gun on the ground " What happened to the rifle?"

He was staring at Hoss with a look of utter desperation " Adam it don't make no never mind, it's just an ole rifle, it was an accident don't worry about it" Hoss said hoping to ease his mind. But within minutes Adam knew he'd done it, his worst fear had come true, he'd lost control again. It was devastating to him and he felt all his strength drain out of him. His head fell forward onto Hoss' shoulder and Hoss swallowed hard and held him. It only lasted a moment, then he picked his head up and gave Hoss a helpless look, then walked away. He walked back to where he'd left his horse. He was about to get on when Hoss touched his shoulder " Adam please, don't be frettin' over some dadburn old rifle, it ain't near as important to me as you are"

Adam stood trembling, one hand clutching the saddle horn the other the cantle. " It ain't just the rifle Hoss, it's everything, nothing's the same anymore" he said and climbed on. Hoss put a hand on his leg.

" You just have to give yourself more time Adam, things will get better" Hoss pleaded with him, his intuition told him he was losing his brother.

" I've tried Hoss, I've really tried. It's no use I can't go back to who I was" Adam said and turned his horse and galloped off, leaving Hoss standing alone on the mountain. His hands and his heart empty.

CHAPTER 6

Joe was working alone in the barn when Adam rode in by himself. He knew something was wrong as soon as he saw his brother's face. " Hi Adam" he said cheerfully " Where's Hoss?"

" He'll be along" Adam said sharply, he was on edge and hoped Joe would not ask him a lot of questions.

" What happened did you fellas get anything?"

" No we didn't" Adam answered through clenched teeth. He had come home to put something on his hands. He was about to slide the saddle off his horse but the increase of the ringing in his ears changed his mind.

" Well no big deal, maybe next time" Joe stated

Adam was recinching his saddle and trying to control the anger threatening to overtake him again. " Look Joe, I really don't feel like talking right now, okay?"

Joe watched him pulling the cinch tight almost savagely " Where're you going?" Joe asked unable to help himself

Adam took a deep breath " I'm going to town, tell Pa I'll be back later" Like Hoss, Joe felt a sense of urgency, he could feel something slipping from his grasp

" We're still going to New York together aren't we?" Joe asked him desperate for some way to hold on to him " NO!" Adam said no longer able to hold the anger in " You're not going anywhere with me, I'm the last person in the world you need to be going anywhere with. You have Hoss, go take a trip with him somewhere" Adam snapped and led his horse out of the barn. He rode off without looking back, full of self loathing.

Joe had not moved, he felt as if Adam had struck him. As he listened to the fading hoofbeats he whispered " I know I have Hoss, but I didn't want to go with him"

He barely finished the sentence when Ben walked in " Was that your brothers?" he asked '

" No, just Adam" Joe said quietly

" Well, where'd he go?" Ben demanded his hands on his hips

Joe didn't get the chance to answer him, they quickly moved outside at the sound of an approaching horse only to see Hoss ride up. " Adam here?" he asked as he pulled his horse to a sliding stop.

" No he said he was going to town" Joe said squinting up at him " What happened up there?"

" Would somebody mind telling me what's going on?" Ben said harshly

Hoss climbed off his horse and looked wearily at his father. " I ain't even sure what happened Pa, something set him off and he went wild"

" What does that mean?" Ben said looking doubtful. Hoss held a hand up and walked around his horse to retrieve something from his saddlebag. He returned with what was left of the stock of his rifle and handed it to his father. Ben examined it and then looked at Hoss questioning " Adam did that, smashed it to pieces" Hoss explained

" Why?" Joe said taking the piece from his father

" I don't rightly know, he just grabbed it and started swinging and yelling" Hoss said

Ben looked at the rifle in Joe's hands and back at Hoss

" Well what was he yelling?" he asked exasperated

" I don't know Pa, he just flat out grabbed the rifle like it was alive and went to hollering. I don't know what he was saying" Hoss said his voice rising, then he remembered " Wait a minute, yes I do, I think he was saying no more"

The three of them exchanged glances, Ben spoke for all three " No more what?"

" Well I don't know that, but I'm almost sure he was saying no more" Hoss said firmly

" Well did something happen before that?" Ben asked him

" No sir, although I reckon he was sort's edgy since this morning. I should'a seen it coming, maybe I pushed him too soon. I was just so dadburn tired of watching him trying to convince us he was alright" Ben suddenly felt tired and dropped to a bale of hay, burying his face in his hands

" Pa don't worry, he'll be back " Joe said assuredly

" Did he tell you anything while you were up there?" Ben asked looking up at him

Hoss sat down across from his father, Joe did the same. " No sir, not anything outright, but I do know whatever it is he don't want to tell us is a mighty heavy load and that's a fact. It's a like a festering wound and if he don't get it taken care of one way or another..........." Hoss' voice trailed off

" But if he can't even tell his family what's bothering him, how are we supposed to help him?" Joe interrupted

Ben sat up straight and looked at each of them " We're not going to give up on him, he has to feel that he can tell us when he's ready. And if we give up he'll sense it and we will lose him, and that's the very thing we're all afraid of isn't it?"

Both boys nodded and Ben continued " Whatever happened has him somehow convinced that it's changed him or us, made him different to the extent that our feelings for him changed too"

" But Pa, he knows better'n that" Hoss cried

" Does he?" Ben queried

Hoss stood up then " Well then I reckon that's the thing he needs to hear and I still think we need to have a family meeting to get this all out in the open once and for all or we're gonna lose him for sure"

" I think you're right Hoss, it's about time we layed everything out on the table, all of us" Ben said looking at his youngest.

" Let's go find him" Joe said standing up Ben and Hoss stood also, but Ben shook his head " No we'll wait for him to come home on his own" he said putting on hand on each of their shoulders. Hoss and Joe looked at each other with concern.

" Pa what if he don't come back?" Joe asked him

" Yeah Pa, he was real upset when he left me" Hoss added

" Don't worry, I know Adam, he may stay away awhile but he'll come back" Ben assured them " Look why don't we get ourselves some lunch and then go back to work"

" Sure Pa, I reckon we'll all be better off if we keep busy" Hoss said and left the barn to get something to eat

Ben looked at Joe who was deep in thought " You ready Joseph?" Ben asked him

Joe looked up at his father " Pa, do you think it's us he's mad at?" Ben shook his head and put his arm around his son again

" No son, I'm sure it isn't"

Joe frowned " He sure seems angry to me" he said softly

Ben sighed deeply " Yes I know, and he is, but for some reason he's angry at himself and is struggling to come to terms with that anger" Ben assured him, then added " And I'm sure once we resolve all this he will still take you to New York"

" I don't care about that Pa, I just want my brother back"

Ben squeezed his shoulder " I know I just hope he gives us a chance to help"

" Well, we'll find out when he gets home" Joe said

Ben nodded " In the meantime let's see if we can't get some work done alright?"

Joe nodded and went back to cleaning the stalls, while Ben headed to the house to return to his paperwork. He was already rehearsing what he would say to Adam when he got home.

**CHAPTER 7

When Adam walked into Doctor Martin's office he thought he had a specific purpose in mind. But when the Doctor looked up at him his mind went suddenly blank, and he found himself staring at the man, feeling like a fool.

" What can I do for you Adam?" Paul asked him

Adam faltered, he didn't know what to say. The Doctor saw in his face, such a look of helplessness and desperation, that it caused him to react by gently taking Adam by the arm.

" Come on over here and sit down Adam" he said guiding him to a chair

" Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

Adam shook his head, so Paul sat across from him. Tired of the tension Adam held his palms out " I hurt my hands " he said matter of factly Paul took his hands and examined them closely " Well I guess you did at that " he said " Let me get something to put on them"

Adam let himself breath again when the doctor went out of them room. Paul returned moments later and resumed his seat. He went to work on Adam's hands, cleaning the cuts out.

" How'd you do this Adam?" he asked without taking his eyes off his work.

Adam didn't answer and Paul looked up at him. He hadn't seen Adam in months and now saw the reason for Ben's concern. He looked very different than Paul remembered. It wasn't just the pallor of his face, or the loss of weight, it was something in his eyes, he looked almost lost.

Paul put some salve on his patient's hands and then wrapped them up lightly. He put his things away and sat back to study his patient, then said softly " Adam you've had broken ribs before that didn't bring you here to see me. You're not here for a few cuts to your hands, what is it? Why did you come here?"

Now Adam felt trapped, he had the impulse to get up and leave before it was too late, but physically he could not get his legs to move. He sat now staring at the floor, uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say " I don't know " he finally said " I guess I thought you could help me"

Paul leaned forward trying to get Adam to look up at him, but he remained sullen with his head down.

" I will Adam, tell me what you need and I'll do the best I can" he said quietly.

He surprised Paul by giving a half smile and saying " You wouldn't know a good place with barred windows that you could lock me up in would you?"

Paul sat back and crossed one leg over the other and looked thoughtfully at his young friend for a moment " Do you seriously think you're insane?" he asked him.

The smile faded from Adam's face and his gaze returned to the floor " I don't know" he said in a subdued tone.

" Look Adam, I've known you most of your life and I can assure you, you're not crazy"

Adam looked him in the eye again as if searching for some truth in his words, then he stood up and walked to the window to stare out at the people walking by.

" Then why do I feel so crazy Paul, so out of control? I feel like everything and everyone is trying to control me and there's nothing I can do about it"

Paul looked at Adam's back and wished he knew the right words to assure the young man. The same way he'd wished to assure his father each time Ben came to him looking for answers.

" Look Adam, you've obviously suffered a traumatic experience that's stayed with you. I suspect it will continue to get in the way, so to speak, until you can come to terms with whatever it is"

" I don't know how to do that" Adam quietly as if talking to himself, as he toyed with the curtain and watched the people outside and wished he could once again feel like a part of their world.

Paul was wondering if perhaps he could get Adam to tell him something that would be of help to Ben. Something that could perhaps open the door just a bit " You know Adam " he said " Your family has been standing by on pins and needles, desperate to help you somehow, if you could just try to talk to them and tell them what................."

" No I can't " Adam said abruptly and turned to face him

" Paul if I told them what happened, what I did............I just can't. My father and brothers have a certain image of me if you will and I would destroy that....... I just can't tell them"

Paul was determined " Think about your father Adam, do you really believe anything could change how he feels about you?"

Adam vehemently shook his head " I can't Paul because I'm not sure and that's the agony of it. I want so badly to be able to just tell him everything, but I'm afraid of what it would do to him "

" Adam, Ben's a strong man ...." Paul began

" I'm not talking about strength here Paul, I'm talking about how he feels as a father, I don't want to tell him something that would hurt him, that would cause him to question his ability as a father. I just can't do that to him"

Paul rose from his chair and went to stand before Adam, " Don't you see Adam, that must be how he's already feeling? You have to tell him what happened to you. No matter how much you're afraid to, nothing you can tell him would hurt him anymore than he's hurting now. And you, I don't believe you could feel any worse then you already do, am I right?"

Adam shrugged with his head down " I suppose "

" You're still not sleeping are you?" Paul asked him already knowing the answer.

Adam shook his head " I keep thinking I'll wake up and find myself back up there. That my being home again was all a dream and that I still have to......" Adam's voice trailed off for a minute and then he spoke up again " I can't tell which is reality and which is a dream anymore. I'm not even sure I'm really here talking to you or not. Everything feels like a dream, I feel so detached from everyone and everything. Sometimes I find myself doing something and I can't remember how I got there. I can't even apply myself to ordinary tasks anymore because I suddenly forget how or why to do them. I'm telling you Paul I'm going crazy" Adam insisted.

Paul smiled for the first time " Look Adam going without sleep will do that to anyone. You need to get some decent sleep and you have got to start eating better, you look like you've lost thirty pounds or more"

" That's another thing Paul, I just don't feel hungry anymore, and when I do eat I can't taste anything anyway"

" And you know what the answer to all this is as well as I do. You have got to confide in your father, tell him everything"

" I don't think I can Paul" Adam said again

" Adam you have to, you can't go on like this. You have to tell him for his sake as well as yours. It' time to let it go so you can all get on with your lives. I can promise you you will feel better, and that nothing will change for any of you. You do want to feel better don't you?"

Adam gave a slight nod, which was a relief to Paul because he'd been a little concerned that Adam's self destructive path was intentional.

" I'll tell you what Adam, I'll give you something to help you sleep for a couple days if you promise me that you'll talk to your father okay?"

Adam hesitated, just the thought of telling Ben the details caused him to break out in a cold sweat. But he knew too, that he could not stay at the ranch any longer if he didn't at least try " Alright Doc, you have my word" Adam said not nearly as sure as he sounded.

" Good, that's wonderful. Now how about that cup of coffee?"

Adam smiled, his first real one since entering the room and actuallyfelt a little better " Okay sure" he said.

He shuddered when Paul left the room though because he knew deep down in his soul, that his life would never be the same after today.

*****************************************************

Continuned in Part 2 

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