CHAPTER 8

Adam had every intention of going home but first there was something he needed to do. And with that in mind he found himself standing outside the door of the Crawford home. He rapped on the door and waited. The little girl who opened the door smiled at seeing him and Adam relaxed a little. Kids seemed able to see right through his tough exterior

"Hi Adam " the girl said happily

" Well hello, little Miss Emily, is your sister home?"

" I'll get her " the child declared and rushed off leaving the door open slightly. Adam heard footsteps and within minutes Maryann was staring at him as if she saw a ghost.

Suddenly self conscious Adam removed his hat and smiled just a little " Hello Maryann, I came to apologize for my behavior when you came to see me. I was rude and unkind and I wanted you to know I'm sorry"

Maryann stood holding the door slightly ajar and studied his face. She'd been rehearsing for weeks what she might say to him if she got the chance, but now seeing him standing before her, all the anger seemed to slip away " That's alright Adam, I know you've been having a tough time since you got home"

" That's no excuse Maryann, there was no reason for me to be cruel to you and I'm truly sorry. I'd like to make it up to you if I could. Will you join me at the picnic after church perhaps?"

Maryann could not resist his smile and she smiled back at him " Alright Adam, that would be nice "

" Good, I'll see you Sunday, I'll have Hop Sing pack us something special "

" I'll see you then, thank you Adam" Maryann said pleased he'd come. He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the lips.

" I'll see you soon " he said softly and winked at her little sister hiding behind Maryann's skirts.

He replaced his hat and walked back toward his horse. Maryann watched as he mounted his horse, tipped his hat to her and rode away. He looked worse than the last time she'd seen him, maybe he had been despondent at her absence she thought. Well at least now she could make sure he started feeling better.

Adam was riding past the hotel when he heard someone call his name. It took him several minutes to recognize his old friend from Boston, Josh Anderson. Josh walked to the middle of the street to talk to him

" Adam, I've been hoping to see you, it's about time, how you been?"

" Josh, it's good to see you, I'm fine, just fine"

" Hey listen can I buy you a drink, maybe some dinner?"

Adam glanced up the street " Oh I don't know Josh, I should get on home"

" Look Adam, I was planning on coming out to see you anyway, this will save me a trip. Come on we can catch up while we eat"

Adam relented and turned his horse toward the hitching rail. He dismounted and turned to his friend " Alright Josh, let's go" he said as the two walked to the Washoe club. They had attended college together, studying the same subject. Adam had heard he was in town but had neglected to take the time to visit. As they seated themselves at a table Adam said, " So what brings you out west Josh?"

" Well I'm on my way to visit my mother in San Francisco, perhaps talk her into coming home with me. She's been ill a lot lately and has no one else, with my father gone. I think it would be best. I've been staying with Clif and his family for a visit. He's quite the rancher now isn't he?" Josh said a hint of amusement in his voice.

" Yeah, he's doing really well, we may have some competition on our hands if he keeps growing like he is."

" He's got a wonderful family too, Jenny is a doll, and he told me you're his son's Godfather" Josh said with a wink

Adam smiled proudly, he'd not thought of the boy for some time. He'd been very honored when Jenny and Clif had asked him. He would definitely have to get out and visit them again soon. They ordered their meals and continued their conversation.

" Adam there was something in particular I wanted to discuss with you " Josh stated

" Yeah what's that?" Adam asked now very curious

" Well as you know I have my contracting business in Boston and I'm doing quite well. Like Clif my business is growing and growing rapidly, much quicker than I anticipated, to tell you the truth. I have more business coming in than I can handle now and I realized what I need is a partner"

Adam was studying his drink, his mind having wandered to his imminent talk with his father. He completely missed the implication Josh was making.

" Adam you studied architectural design the same as me and you have the knowledge I need, I could make you an equal partner"

Adam looked up at him " Partner?"

" That's right Adam, do you realize I made over a hundred thousand dollars last year? The cities are growing like you wouldn't believe back east, and homes and businesses are cropping up everywhere. People are building homes that reflect their heritage, you have the know how to design those homes Adam, I need your talents, what d'ya say?"

" Josh I don't know, this is so sudden, out of the blue so to speak. I'd have to give it some thought before I could accept that kind of proposition" Adam said somewhat flabbergasted

" Of course it is, I realize that. Look do me a favor and think about it. I can stop again on my way back east in two weeks. That'll give you some time to think it over. I'm telling you though Adam, it's the chance of a lifetime"

Adam smiled at his friends persistence " I'll think on it Josh I promise, I'll let you know when I see you again"

They were interrupted by the arrival of their dinner and each of them went about unrolling their silverware from their napkins. Adam picked at his food and eventually took a small forkful in his mouth.

" How's the ranch doing Adam?" Josh asked him between hearty bites of roast.

" Oh pretty good, it kind've runs in cycles, we have an exceptionally good year and are able to expand a little more, other times we have a bad year and just about break even. You have to go with the flow sometimes, you learn to anticipate the bad spells"

" Lordy I haven't slowed down in I don't know how long, almost five years it seems. I'd almost welcome a bad spell as you call it. It was something of a relief to take this month off and come out here to see my mother. Actually it was Clif's idea to ask you about the partnership, although I considered asking him"

" I would think it would be an excellent opportunity for him " Adam said

" Yeah well he's pretty settled here, and as he pointed out he doesn't know anything about architecture. Although I was thinking more of having him handling the accounts and such"

" Yeah I suppose you're right" Adam mused

" Hey you should see the house I built for my family Adam, a work of art if I do say so myself. You could have one just like it within a year Adam, just think of it" Josh cried enthusiastically

" Josh I already said I'd think about it" Adam reminded him " Besides I'd have to talk it over with my family, I just can't pack up and leave, I have responsibilities here too you know"

" Okay, okay, forgive me I can be an impatient man sometimes. But remember those bad years you spoke of? Well your family wouldn't have to worry anymore if you were in the east. You'd be a lot more help to them if you were working with me"

Adam smiled, twirling the wine in his glass " Josh I don't know if you've ever met my father, but there is no way that he would allow me to, shall we say, support him"

" Well Adam I didn't mean it like that of course. I just meant you'd be there for them if they needed it"

" I'm sure you didn't Josh " Adam said, reaching for his wallet " Listen I have got to get home now, what do I owe you for dinner?"

" Never you mind, I'll take care of it. You just make sure you consider my offer " Josh said pointing a finger at him Adam tucked the wallet back into his vest pocket and rose to leave " I'll do that Josh" he said holding out his hand.

They shook hands firmly and Josh said " Hey listen, you, Clif, and I will have to get together on my return trip, what d'ya say?"

" That sounds like a good idea, give them my best will ya?"

" You bet I will Adam, I'll see you in two weeks"

Adam retrieved his hat from the corner of the chair and waved to Josh as he left.

As he rode out of town he pondered this new proposition. Maybe if he took the job, he could make a new start. Maybe he could leave all the pain and confusion behind and start a whole new life. Somewhere where people didn't know him or expect him to behave in any particular way. Maybe, just maybe, it was the answer he'd been searching for. He suddenly felt better than he had in weeks, free of the weight of concerns. He pressed his heels to his horse and picked up an easy canter home. The breeze on his face made him feel alive and vibrant again. It was a feeling he wanted to hold onto and now he thought he'd found a way to do that.

*********************** CHAPTER 9

Ben sat on Adam's bed holding his mother Elizabeth's picture. Just being in his son's room gave him a sense of calm and peace. It was comforting to be surrounded by the things that were his son. Each object was a part of him, even the room itself, was who he was. The bed made perfectly, everything neat and organized, a place for everything and everything in it's place. The books, the guitar, the feel of the room represented his son's personality. Being there was like being with Adam, if
he touched anything in the room, he touched his son. Maybe not in the physical sense, but in his heart anyway. Adam didn't seem so lost to him here, and he was able to let his worries about him go just a little. Adam's pain, was his pain, and his father longed to ease the pain, that seemed to be destroying his son from the inside out.

Ben heard the click of the front door and rose from the bed. He quickly blew out the lantern and headed for the stairs. The hall clock said nearly eleven thirty as he passed it. He breathed a sigh of relief, Adam was home. Adam looked up as his father descended the stairs, not surprised he'd waited up. He took off his gunbelt and set it down with his coat, then hung up his hat.

" Hi Pa, sorry I got back so late. I ran into an old friend of mine from college and he bought me dinner" Adam explained

" That's alright son" Ben said trying not to sound as if he'd been worried

Adam suddenly remembered Hoss and the rifle and Joe and the little incident in the barn. He walked to the sofa and sat down at the same time as his father, careful not to sit too close.

" I'm sorry about today, I owe Hoss and Joe an apology too" Adam stated, the feelings of shame returning to his heart. " Pa since you're up, there's something I want to talk to you about"

" Sure son " Ben said quickly embarrassed at how eager it sounded, but Adam didn't appear to notice " Would you like some coffee or anything?"

" No really Pa, I'm fine" Adam said.

Ben was nervous about what he thought was about to be discussed and wasn't quite sure why. He had wanted Adam to open up to him,he could no longer watch his son slowly deteriorate before his eyes.

Adam took a deep breath and began " Do you remember me telling you about a Josh Anderson from school?"

Ben nodded although he really only vaguely remembered the name. He wondered what this name had to do with what had happened.

" Well he's the person I had dinner with tonight. See Josh has a contracting business in Boston, a very successful business I might add, and he ......... "

Ben cut him off before he could finish the sentence " What has this all got to do with you Adam?"

" Well I'm gonna tell you if you give me chance" Adam said with an edge to his voice

Ben sighed " Alright I'm sorry, I'm listening" Ben apologized

" Anyway Josh was telling me he has more business than he can handle right now and he's looking for someone to help him out, a partner, you know someone who knows the business."

As Adam was talking Ben realized what he was trying to tell him. " Adam" he said softly, but Adam rambled on

" Do you know he made over a hundred thousand dollars last year alone. And he said he'd make me an equal partner. Just think of it Pa, in no time at all, I'd be making more money than I'd ever dreamed of, I could.........."

" Adam!" Ben said again with more insistence

Adam stopped, he knew his father wasn't buying any of it without even looking at him.

Ben gently took a hold of his shoulder " Son, you know as well as I do that being a millionaire has never been an ambition in your life"

Adam didn't answer, his father was right.

Ben squeezed his shoulder " What is this all about?"

Adam abruptly stood up before the fireplace and faced his father " Pa don't do this, I'm not a child" Adam said trying to control his voice " I just might want a chance at a new life, a chance to use what I learned in college, I can't stay here the rest of my life"

" Why?" Ben said simply, but it sounded like a challenge

" Because Pa, it's time I moved on and made my own way that's all"

" Why " Ben said again, now standing, his voice rising even more

Adam was getting angry, and Ben was getting desperate. He knew Adam's reasons had nothing to do with a job

" Look Pa, I just want to take the job and move east period" Adam said declaring it the end of the conversation, but his father was having none of it. He matched Adam's angry stare with his hands on his hips

" You're running away, that's what you're doing" Ben shouted without realizing it.

Adam turned on him angrily " I am not, that's ludicrous and you know it" he shouted back at him and then turned back to the fireplace

" I don't know any such thing. You're running as far away as you can get" Ben said again, folding his arms across his chest.

" That's stupid " Adam said evenly keeping his back to his father.

Neither of them heard the creak of the stairs as Joe emerged from his room, awakened by the shouting. He sat on the top step to listen to them, but the sound of Hoss' snoring at his back caused him to frown and move down a couple more stairs

" Is it? " Ben demanded " You've been destroying yourself slow but sure ever since you got home. You've put up a wall so high none of us can reach you anymore. And now you wanna move half way across the country to make sure you shut us out completely. You're running and you're running hard because you're afraid of something"

" I am not" Adam insisted without moving from his position. He wished he could somehow disappear in the flames before him.

Suddenly Ben was before him, the piercing eyes boring into him " Alright Adam, prove it to me. You stand there and tell me what happened to you after you left Eastgate and I'll believe you" he said " If you're not afraid then there's nothing stopping you now is there?"

" Fine!" Adam shouted so sharply that Joe jumped, and then he quickly moved down another step.

" You wanna know what happened to me Pa, I'll tell you. I went to hell Pa, and it was worse than anything I ever imagined. I was robbed by two men who took everything I had and left me out there to die" Adam shouted as he started pacing the floor, trying to still the trembling that seemed to come from within. All the emotions were right there on the surface and he was afraid of them because he knew if he let them come now, there would be no stopping them. And his inner voice was telling him ' Stay in control, you have to stay in control'.

" I stumbled around up there with no food and water for I don't know how long, and then the miracle happened. I found Kane, Peter Kane and his mining camp out in the middle of nowhere, just Kane and his mule. He was mining for gold he said, and was close to a strike. But he was willing to help me get back to civilization if I helped him work the mine. So we made a
deal, three days of work in exchange for his supplies and company to Signal Rock. He saved my life Pa, I owed the man my life"

Adam stopped talking and stood silently looking into the flames again. No one moved, Ben didn't dare for fear Adam would stop talking to him. And Joe still sat at the top of the stairs with his heart pounding so loudly he almost thought they could hear it. When Adam resumed his story his voice was quieter " I worked that claim Pa, from dawn to dusk, until I started losing track of time. I did whatever he asked because I figured I owed him and because he'd promised we'd leave when the three days were up. And all I cared about was getting to Signal Rock so Joe wouldn't worry. By the third day I realized the man was unbalanced. He was obsessed with making his strike before we left and I knew I had to leave as soon as I had the chance. So on the third day I informed him I was leaving with or without him, I had to get out of there." Adam paused for a moment " When I tried to leave he shot the mule, right before my eyes, he killed it"

Ben felt a sudden chill go through him as he listened to his son's story.

" He still hadn't made his strike so he made me his pack animal. I worked the mine after that, carrying the sacks on my own back, and at night I slept tied to a post because I had tried to escape. For every little offense he took away something that was vital to my survival, half my food and water rations, my comfort, my very freedom. He gained exactly what he needed to control me, and then he started playing crazy mind games with me too. He kept me confined in the mine all day, the air so thick with heat in there sometimes I felt like I was strangling, I couldn't breath and by then he wasn't letting me take breaks anymore" Adam said feeling the choking sensation as vividly as if he were there again.

Ben put his face in his hands, it was worse than he'd anticipated.

" At one point he told me the food and water had run out but he lied about that. He lied about everything, there was no gold. All that time he kept driving me, pushing me, trying to force me to break, and I didn't know why. None of it made any sense to me. He said it was a test for survival, he knew I was totally dependent on him and to get out of there I would have to ........" Adam stopped as if he was suddenly aware that he wasn't alone " The last thing I remember is all of you shouting my name and finding myself in your arms. And then you told me he was dead, I'm not sure what happened"

Ben stood up and put his arms around his son as he had that day. " I'm so sorry son" he said quietly.

Adam let him, figuring it would make his father feel better. He secretly wanted it to end quickly because it made him feel awkward. This too closeness was what might destroy him. When Ben finally pulled back to look at him Adam said

" Pa, you have to let me go, I need to get away from here"

" But why Adam, if you just give it a little more time..."

" You all keep saying that and nothing's changed. I'm not the same person I was before, don't you understand? I'm not happy here Pa, I feel out of place and I want to go"

Ben sat back down on the sofa " I'm sorry son, but I just don't see how leaving your home and family is going to make things any better"

Adam sat on the coffee table across from him " Pa I'm not trying to hurt anyone, especially you. But that's exactly what my being home has done. You know something, I know I've complained once in awhile, but I have always really loved being the oldest brother. I liked being the one to teach them things, and having them follow me around, looking up to me and all. I was the stalwart older brother to them, I had all the answers. But now it wouldn't be fair to even expect them to look at me that way anymore"

" But why Adam, what makes you think they would feel any differently?" Ben asked him

" Let's just say I found out something about myself" Adam remarked and dropped his eyes to the floor. " I can't stay here with things the way they are. I'm not contributing anything to this ranch or this family"

" That's not so " Ben insisted

" Yes it is Pa. Look I know you went back through the books and fixed my mistakes, and Hoss has been covering for me too, for the physical side of things that I can't manage anymore. That isn't right, and you wouldn't put up with that for anyone else"

Ben gave him a sideways glance " You're not just anyone, you're my son"

" Look Pa, just give me this chance to get my head back together, to take some of the pressure off. Who knows maybe I'll hate it there and come back anyway. And regardless, I'll be back to visit one way or the other. At least I'll have tried"

Ben wasn't so sure, he had a feeling if Adam went away he would never come back. Against his better judgement he nodded solemnly, he was not going to win this one. He looked up into his son's eyes, so like his own, and made a decision " Adam, I'll be completely honest with you. I don't want you to go, I don't think it will change anything. Whatever demons you have to battle will only follow you there. But I do want you to be happy again above all, and if taking this job is what you really want, than you have my blessing"

Adam released a long breath and looked back at his father with a small smile " Thanks Pa, that means a lot to me. I'll tell Hoss and Joe in the morning after I apologize. Josh will be back in two weeks for my answer, that will give me time to get things together."

"Adam I just have one favor to ask. Would you mind if the boys and I threw you a going away party? It would mean a lot to us" Ben asked him

Adam frowned but said, " Nothing too fancy okay? You know how parties embarrass me" he said.

" I'll keep it simple, I promise" Ben said raising his right hand.

" Alright then you can have a party" Adam said " Well I'm tired, I better get to bed" he said

Neither of them saw Little Joe rise from the stairs and slip back to his bed, his eyes brimming with tears.

**************************

CHAPTER 10

By the time Adam woke the next day, everyone had already left to tend to the various ranch chores. After talking with his father, it had taken Adam some time to fall asleep the night before. He still had the sedative the doctor had given him but he hated using the stuff. He was curious that he felt a little better, at least he actually felt hungry. But even though he told his father everything, there was still something that seemed to lay in waiting in his mind. But then he reminded himself that he hadn't told him everything, and the part he hadn't told was the most damaging. He wasn't too concerned with being left behind, it was his week to take care of the barn chores anyway.

He walked into the kitchen nearly colliding with Hop Sing " Is there anything left to eat Hop Sing?" he asked

" You wakey too late for bleakfast Mr. Adam, and too soon for lunch " Hop Sing said irritably

" That's okay Hop Sing, I'll wait for lunch then" Adam said not wanting to upset him.

" No,no Mr. Adam you sit, I bling food, you too skinny now, I make vely good, you eat" he said finishing the sentence in Chinese and pushing Adam from the kitchen.

Adam sat at the table, smiling to himself. Hop Sing made a lot of noise sometimes, but he always took care of their needs. Within minutes he put a steaming plate before Adam and patted him on the back saying, " You eat, plenty more, you eat good now"

And Adam did, he ate two helpings so as not to hurt Hop Sing's feelings, being sure to thank him. He then went out to do his chores. He walked out to the barn and stood in the doorway to survey what needed to be done. He was grateful the stalls were empty except for his own horse, it made his job easier. He led his horse out to the corral and then set about getting his work done. He'd been working for nearly an hour when he was startled by a noise behind him. He turned around to find Joe standing in the doorway watching him.

" Well what's this? Have you come to gloat?" Adam asked smiling. Joe didn't return the smile as usual and Adam saw something unsettling in his eyes.

" Look Joe, I want to apologize for yesterday. I didn't mean what I said, I'm sorry" Adam said, watching Joe's expression " If you still want to, I'll take you on that trip like I promised"

" No you won't " Joe said accusingly

Adam furrowed his eyebrows " What d'ya mean?"

" You're gonna go off to Boston and become a big business man and make lots of money. You'll have a big house and new important friends, we'll never see you again"

Adam covered his mouth with his hand and studied his young brother's face " Pa told you" he said as he moved his hand to his chin. It was more of a statement than a question.

" No he didn't " Joe said " I heard you two talking last night. You're gonna go aren't you?"

Adam had not expected this confrontation and was taken aback by Joe's demeanor. It was completely out of character for him to question Adam.

" Joe I just feel......." Adam began but his brother cut him off.

" No Adam, that's the problem, you don't feel anything anymore. Because if you did, you'd realize how selfish you're being"

" Now wait a minute Joe, I...." but Joe once again interrupted

" No you wait a minute Adam. Let me tell you something. When you went away to college, it was real hard for me. I couldn't understand why you went away, and to school of all places. I was angry at you for a long time, even though I missed you something awful. It was never the same around here with you gone. And when you came back it was like we were whole again, the void was gone. I didn't understand the reason for your leaving then, but I'm not a kid anymore Adam, and I understand just fine now. And I'm telling you right now, if you go off again, I'll never forgive you"

Adam was staring at his brother, he'd never seen him like this before. " What are you saying?"

" Oh come on Adam, you're not stupid" Joe retorted

Adam sat down feeling overcome with weariness " Joe it would be better for everybody if I went" he said quietly

Joe folded his arms across his chest " No Adam, it would only be better for you. We'd be the ones left with the pain and the guilt. Because if you leave, we'll know that we failed, that no matter how hard we tried, no matter what we did, it wasn't enough. We were willing to sacrifice ourselves to help you, but it wasn't enough. And every time we think about you, that's what we'll remember Adam, that we failed"

The silence that followed was filled with pain, and expectancy. Adam stood up and turned his back, he thought his decision was made. Now he wasn't sure, the little cuss was right, he wasn't the only one suffering. Of all the people that could open his eyes for him, the last one he expected was his kid brother. He'd been kidding himself all this time, and he felt
mortified.

" You know Adam, I've looked up to you my whole life, I spent a lot of time wanting to be like you, now I'm wondering why. Yeah I know I have Hoss, but he ain't you and he never could be. Anymore than I could be him, and it was cruel of you to say it"

" I know Joe, I was upset, I didn't mean it" Adam said feeling insignificant in the midst of his brother's anger. He didn't bother to turn around, it was hard enough just to listen.

" If you really believe that going to Boston is the answer to your problems. If you think that's gonna make you happy, then you go ahead, we'll be just fine without you" Joe declared angrily.

Adam heard a catch in Joe's voice and it caused him to turn and look at him. When he did, he saw in his brother, a reflection of himself, it was all a front to cover what he was really feeling. Joe was doing his best to appear as though he was totally in control of his feelings, when in fact he was near the edge.

Adam dropped his eyes, because what he saw in his brother's eyes was too close to home. How could he have been so blind, how could he not have seen what it was doing to them? When he looked back at Joe he felt a lump form in his throat. He couldn't hurt him anymore,they'd been through enough. And what he felt at that moment was more than one brother's love for another, what he felt was paternal feelings for the child he'd helped his father raise. A strong desire to protect him from the grief he saw mingled with tears.

On that impulse Adam held his arms out and said, " Come 'mere"

Joe hesitated for just a moment. He was angry and hurt, but he was also weighed down with guilt. He'd been worried for sometime that Adam blamed him somehow. But at that moment he knew he'd been wrong. And he quickly moved into his brother's arms and wrapped his own around Adam's waist and held on.

" I don't want you to go" he said, his voice muffled against Adam's shirt, and he felt his brother hold on a little tighter.
Adam tried to swallow, and was finding it difficult to see through the tears in his eyes.

" I won't Joe, I promise. I'll stay and we'll be okay, everything's gonna be alright" he said as he rested his chin against his brother's head. He said it as much to assure himself as Joe. And he held on tight to what he now knew was an important part of his salvation.

 CHAPTER 11

Sunday after Church services, the Cartwrights joined family and friends for a picnic by the lake. Adam escorted Maryann to his favorite spot and laid a blanket down. Maryann seated herself, with her dress billowed about her, and Adam put the basket beside them. As Adam watched the people gather about picking out spots for their families, Maryann made up a plate for each of them. He watched his brothers set up a horseshoe game, turning when she offered him a plate. He took it from her and smiled his thanks. He was still watching the others as he ate.

" Are you going to play after you eat?" Maryann asked him

" Oh I don't know, would you mind if I did?" Adam answered Maryann smiled happily, he was beginning to sound like the old Adam she'd fallen in love with.

"Of course not, I'd enjoy watching"

Adam gave her an amused grin as he chewed on his fried chicken. She turned away so he wouldn't see her blushing and took in the beautiful scenery around her. " It is so breathtaking up here, it would be perfect for a wedding ceremony" she gushed not realizing the implication of her words.

Adam's eyebrows shot up " Why Miss Crawford, was that a proposal?" he said

Maryann covered her mouth and giggled with embarrassment " I didn't mean us" she said " Although I wouldn't mind getting married in this very spot someday"

Adam leaned forward and kissed her " Did you have anyone special in mind then?" he asked teasing her.

She smiled and they kissed again with more intensity. For several minutes they were oblivious to the people and activity around them. When they separated Adam looked into her eyes and traced his fingers from her forehead to her chin and then held his hand there. Maryann felt her heart beating madly in her chest. Then she remembered where they were and embarrassed, she pushed him back gently. " I think we better finish our lunch Mr. Cartwright " she said with a hint of scolding in her voice.

Adam rested on one elbow " That's funny but I'm suddenly not hungry anymore" he said with a wink

" Oh really, you could've fooled me" she said playfully pushing him back when he leaned toward her again. To her amusement he growled at her and she laughed with glee.

Joe broke up the moment by plopping himself on their blanket " What's so funny?" he asked taking in their expressions

" One thing little brothers never learn is good timing" Adam said to Maryann.

Joe ignored his comment and grabbed his arm. "Come on Adam we're gonna play a game now"

" The other thing is common courtesy " Adam added and Maryann smiled and dropped her eyes.

" Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming " Adam said rolling his eyes at Maryann and attempting to wipe himself off as Joe tugged on his arm. " I'll be back" he said as he sauntered off after his brother.

She watched him go, sighing contentedly. She was thinking how wonderful it was to see him looking happy and healthy again. She saw him approach his father, who put an arm around him and appeared to be saying something very intense to him.

'Someday Adam' she thought ' I will marry you at this very spot'

The afternoon was lively and fun, as people talked and played games for hours. The most fun was watching Adam and his brothers join the children for a game of blindmans bluff. Witnessing that exchange made her ponder what a wonderful father he would make someday. Later Adam drove Maryann home in the buggy. She was almost sorry when they reached her house. Adam helped her down and walked her to the door.

" I had a wonderful time today Adam, thank you for inviting me" she said

" My pleasure Ma'am, we'll have to do it again sometime" Adam said clutching his hat to his chest.

" That would be nice " she said then dropped her head " Adam I'm sorry about that little comment I made about the wedding ceremony, I really didn't mean anything by it"

" Don't be, you were right, it is the perfect spot" he said grinning

" I'm glad you agree then" Maryann said. Adam leaned forward to kiss her and as he did, he saw the curtain move out of the corner of his eye. " It's getting late and I think my father's waiting. I better get on inside " Maryann remarked having also seen the curtain move.

Adam kissed her cheek and said " Alright then goodnight, I'll see you soon" he promised and walked back to the buggy. He felt really good as he drove home and was smiling without even realizing it. Maybe the worst was over, his troubles might be behind him now. He thought fondly of the look on his father's face when he'd informed him that he wasn't going to move to Boston. But despite his good mood, he had a nagging doubt in the back of his mind that wouldn't leave him. Everyone was still up when he returned home, they all looked up when he came in the door. Ben was standing by the fireplace and Hoss and Joe were engrossed in a game of chess. Hoss had a gleeful grin on his face, confident that he was going to win the game.

Adam joined them sitting on the edge of the sofa. " I had a great time today, even though we lost at horseshoes" he said looking at his father

Joe smiled up at him " Just too much competition for ya, that's all"

Hoss laughed " Yeah maybe Pa and ole Adam ought'a start playing against folks their own age" he said to Joe

Ben smiled enjoying the good natured teasing

" Yeah you just wait until next time" Adam said pointing at Hoss " You fellas just got lucky today that's all"

Hoss and Joe looked at each other and nodded with a touch of sarcasm on their faces. They laughed, and then resumed their game. Adam watched them play, unaware that his father was watching him. Ben was finding Adam's behavior of the last couple days a hopeful sign. As good as it was to see the change in him, he was curious as to what had brought it about.

Ben was startled out of his reverie by Joe's shouting " Checkmate! Ha I win, I win!"

Ben happened to look at Adam, whose face suddenly clouded with such a look of wrath that Ben was aghast. Then without a word he turned and walked up the stairs.

Hoss and Joe looked to their father, the excitement over the game forgotten " What happened?" Joe said

" I'm not sure" Ben answered looking up the stairs with wonder

" Something sure upset him all of sudden, that's for sure" Hoss added. " I don't understand it, he was so happy today"

" I don't either" Ben agreed " Well, maybe he's just overtired, I know I am. With that said I think I'm gonna get some sleep while I can." He was at the bottom step when he turned back " We got a full day of work ahead of us tomorrow boys so get to bed at a decent hour" he warned, then climbed the stairs

Several hours later, something woke Ben from a sound sleep. It seemed to him that it was something he sensed rather than heard, as he lay listening to the night silence. He didn't hear anything but still got up from his bed and threw on his robe as he left the room. The floor creaked in the quiet, as he walked up the hall directly toward Adam's room. It was just light enough to make out familiar objects in the dark. Adam's door was opened just a crack and Ben pushed it open without hesitation. He was alarmed to find the bed not only empty, but looking as though it had never been slept in. He was about to leave the room when he spotted Adam sitting in a chair near the window.

Ben sighed with relief and moved toward him. He took a chair and set it down near Adam and seated himself. Except for his boots, Adam was completely dressed. He had his legs stretched straight out in front of him. One elbow rested on the arm of the chair, and he had his hand over his mouth. He looked lost in thought as he stared out into the darkness. Ben watched him a minute then softly called his name

" Adam?"

Adam didn't move and didn't appear to have heard. Ben was about to say his name again when Adam spoke in an eerie voice " I killed him Pa"

Ben felt a chill run up his spine, this was it.

" I didn't do it for any legitimate reason, it wasn't self defense, he didn't have any weapons or anything. I just did it to get away from him" Adam looked at his father for the first time " That's what I didn't want to tell you, I couldn't. I didn't want you to think you'd failed me as a father. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me"

" I'm not" Ben said simply

" No Pa, don't do that. Don't smooth this over like it's nothing. I committed an unforgivable act, I'm no better than dirt. I put my hands around his throat and squeezed the life out of him. Don't sit there and tell me it doesn't matter, that it doesn't change anything. Not after what I just told you"

" From what you told me before, you had no choice" Ben said quietly

" Are you telling me now that it's alright to take another life over mere words?" Adam asked him

Ben did not flinch " Adam, you know better than anyone that it was much more than that"

Adam stared at his father then stood up nearly knocking the chair over. " No, it goes against everything you've ever tried to instill in us, I disregarded every thing you ever taught me, don't you see that?" he exclaimed his voice rising

Ben got up from his chair and went to stand beside his son putting an arm around his shoulders. " Adam, maybe what I didn't tell you, what I hadn't realized, was that there is perhaps more than one kind of self defense"

Adam shook his head, he was trembling and could feel the wave coming. He had a terrible headache and the unmistakable ringing in his ears was getting unbearable " You're trying to rationalize a way out. I don't want you to, I have to take responsibility for what I did"

Ben took his arm and gave a gentle tug " Come sit down Son" he said pulling him toward the bed. Adam did as he was told, his resistance fading away. Ben knew that touch was the only thing that might reach him now, so he kept his arm on him as they sat down.

Adam put his hands over his eyes and rubbed his face roughly while his father spoke to him. " Think about this Adam, what would've happened if you hadn't gotten away from him. If you did kill him, remember you said you couldn't remember, but if you did, what other option did you have? Was staying up there with him an option, was there any other way out?"

" I don't know, I just don't know" Adam cried running his hands through his hair with anxiety, he couldn't stop the raging emotions on their way out.

" All you did was survive " Ben said " I'm sorry son but I can't be anything but happy about that. You simply survived, when are you going to stop punishing yourself for that?"

Adam couldn't answer, he didn't know what to say " I don't know, I'm just.......... I'm just so tired"

Ben moved his hand to the back of Adam's neck " I know you are Son. But all you have to do is forgive yourself, I already have"

Adam sat up straighter and looked into his father's eyes. Where was the contempt, outrage, and disappointment he'd expected to see? As if reading his mind Ben said " Adam, even if you told me you'd put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, it wouldn't change anything. I'm your father and my love is unconditional, no matter what, I'm here for you"

Adam made a sound in his throat and Ben watched the wall begin to crumble before his eyes as Adam fell into his arms. He didn't cry but only seemed to collapse there, until Ben said, " Son I wouldn't care if you were the worst outlaw in the country, I'd still love you just as much as I always have"

The dam broke then and Adam felt himself plunge into the abyss. All the pain poured out in a flood of emotions that he feared he would not be able to stop. " I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I'm so sorry" he choked out, clinging to the only thing he was sure of, his father.

" I know Son" Ben said holding him closer, there wasn't anything else to do for the moment. Ben was battling to keep his own emotions in check, the devastation he was experiencing through his son left him overwrought. Even though he knew it was an experience that would change them both. Through the tears and feelings of drowning, Adam would call out "Pa" and nothing more. But his father knew it meant so much more. Each time he heard his name, it was as if someone was gripping his heart and squeezing. It took a long time for the outburst to wane, but even when it did, Adam didn't move. It took awhile longer for him to get his breathing under control again. Once he felt calm, the exhaustion seemed to be too much for him.

When he was sure Adam had calmed down Ben pulled away far enough to catch his eye. " You alright?" he said gently Adam nodded sheepishly, afraid to speak. He felt a sense of relief that the overwhelming torrent had stopped. But the after effects made him feel weak as a kitten, drained to the very core.

" You think you can try to get some sleep now?" Ben asked him Adam nodded again and Ben turned around to prop up some pillows and pull the quilt down. Adam climbed onto the bed and tried to make himself comfortable. He didn't lie down but instead sat against the pillows.

Ben was looking at him, unsure if the worst was over. " Can you stay just a few minutes more?" Adam asked him, confirming Ben's suspicions. He did not feel steady enough to separate from his father just yet.

" Sure " Ben said soothingly and sat next to him, once again putting an arm around his shoulder. Neither of them said anything, Ben instinctively knew this was a time to just be there for him. He put his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes. He could feel himself drifting off, and hoped Adam would do the same.

" I heard you" Adam stated breaking the silence

Ben blinked his eyes open and lifted his head to look at Adam " What did you say?" he asked

" When I was up there with Kane, I heard you calling me" Adam said quietly without lifting his head.

It took Ben only a moment to assimilate what he'd said. " Why didn't you answer then?" he said, a puzzled expression on his face.

Adam bit his lip painfully, he hadn't intended to tell Ben about it, it somehow had come out. " I tried, I suppose I was so weak by then you wouldn't have heard me if I did call out to you. So I figured if I could get up high enough I might be able to spot you, and maybe you in turn would see me. Anyway I was trying to climb up to where I could catch sight of you but he grabbed me and pulled me down"

Ben felt his heart fill with renewed rage for this man that had nearly destroyed his son.

" I guess I was so debilitated by then, I must've passed out. When I came to.........." There was a sudden catch in his voice and Ben gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze " When I came to I couldn't hear you anymore. So I figured you'd given up the search and gone home. That's when I gave up too"

Ben's distress at his words was obvious as he pulled him to his shoulder " Never Adam, I would never give up on you. Never!" he said with certainty.

Dawn was beginning to break when Ben detected a change in Adam's breathing and he knew that he was finally asleep. He reluctantly pulled his arm free and Adam stirred. Not fully awake he rolled over onto his stomach and went right back to sleep. Without fear, without the nightmares, he was finally atpeace with himself. And his father too felt the sense of peace wash over him. He felt as if they had both emerged stronger, he had not lost his son after all. He sat looking down at him, relishing this closeness that had been so rare in the past, and did not want to leave him.

He touched his head and rubbed his back murmuring " You sleep now Son, it's all over. I promise you, no one is ever going to hurt you like that again" and he leaned down to kiss his son's forehead, then quietly left him. Knowing it would be a long time before he woke. He had an awful lot of catching up to do.

THE END 

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