The Ties That Bind Part Two
Written by
Mary Stone
CHAPTER 9
Ben and Hoss
sat together outside Doc Martin's office. Once
in awhile Hoss
stood up and paced. He tried not to, knowing it
made his father
more nervous, but now sat with his leg bouncing
up and down with
anxiety. Ben put a hand on his knee and gave
him a weak smile.
" He's gonna
be okay Hoss" he said gently.
Hoss winced as if
he'd been slapped and abrubtly stood
" How can you
be so sure Pa? He's been in there over an hour
and you heard the
Doc say he may not survive the operation"
Hoss was sorry as
soon as he got the words out but he
couldn't help
himself, he was scared. He sat back down and
sighed heavily.
" I'm sorry
Pa, I just can't believe any of this is real"
Ben leaned back too,
and patted Hoss' hand
" It's okay
Son, I know. Just pray he'll be alright, that's
what I meant"
They looked up at
the sound of the door opening, it was the
the Sherrif Roy
Coffee.
" Howdy Ben,
how is he?" he asked
" I don't
know Roy, Paul is still in there with him."
" I'm sorry
Ben. Did he say anything about what happened?"
Ben shook his
head, he thought about mentioning what Clif had
been saying but it
didn't make any sense so he kept quiet.
" Ben I've
got that young feller that was with Adam over to
the jail. He says
he stole Little Joe's jacket at the dance last
night cause he
wanted to scare Adam, make him think he'd killed
Little Joe. I
reckon Adam was on him before he knew what
happened, but he
claims he didn't mean to stab him. Says it was
all an
accident"
Ben was solemn he
couldn't concentrate on what
Hoss already
frustrated with waiting and with
" Why would
he wanna do a thing like that and what'd he think
Adam was going to
do to him? Just stand there and accept it, I
don't believe his
story for a minute. Pa said he's been after
Adam since he came
to town"
to Ben. Ben was a
very good friend and he hated having to bother
him with this now.
" Anyway Ben,
I'm holding him over to the jail. But until I
know for sure what
happened over there, I can't rightly charge
him with anything
you understand. I'm hoping Adam will help
clear this
up"
Ben lifted his
head to look at the closed door before him.
" He
will" he said " You may have to wait awhile but he will"
Roy stood and
looked at Ben's drawn face with concern
" Ben as
upset as that young fella is, I don't think it was
anything but an accident"
Ben looked up at
Roy, he couldn't think about anything but
the part of his
heart that was in the next room. He could not
lose his son as he
had his wives. He couldn't go through that
again, he wouldn't
be able to take it, he knew that.
" Well Ben,
you let me know if you find out anything new."
" Anyone seen
Little Joe yet?" Hoss asked
" No not yet,
but we left word all over town and with Frank's
parents that he's
to come here when he gets back"
" Thank you
Roy, we appreciate your help" Ben told him
" Well I
reckon I best be getting back to my office. We're
all hoping for the
best Ben"
Ben smiled
gratefully at his old friend, knowing he was
sincere.
first settled
here. He was comforted slightly by those words as
Not long after his
departure, Doctor Paul Martin emerged from
the back room.
Father and son stood immediately with anxious
expressions on
their faces, waiting.
The doctor looked
terribly worn as he spoke,
" He lost an
awful lot of blood Ben, I don't know. I
repaired the
damage, did everything I could" he stopped now and
looked at Ben, he
had to be honest but he desperately wanted to
promise this man
that his son would recover, " The next forty
eight hours will
be critical, now we just watch and wait. To be
honest Ben I don't
give him much of a chance, he was nearly gone
when we got him
here"
Ben didn't hear
that, his heart was beating madly in his
chest. He was
alive that was all he needed. " Can we see him
now?" he
asked with a sense of urgency.
" Tina is
seeing to him now, when she finishes the dressing
you can go in. He
isn't conscious though Ben, he may not
ever......"
The doctor decided not to finish the sentence and
istead said,
" I have to go make my rounds, Tina will be here if
you need anything.
I'll be back this afternoon and check on him"
Ben grabbed the
doctor's arm and squeezed, his eyes full of
gratitude
" Thank you
Paul, thank you so much"
" Don't thank
me yet Ben. I'll tell you something though if
he has any chance
at all it's due to that young man who kept the
bleeding at
bay"
Ben nodded and the
doctor gribbed his shoulder,
" You stay
with him Ben, I'll be back this evening and we'll
see how he
is" The doctor said with some difficulty and he left
quickly.
Ben and Hoss
watched the door close then turned their
attention to the
closed door before them. A few minutes later
Tina Martin came out.
She was the niece of Doctor Martin and had
come here afte
completing her nursing training. Against her
father's wishes
she decided that she wanted to go further and
become a doctor
and that working with her uncle would give her
invaluable
experience before she made up her mind to go on.
She'd been working
with her uncle for nearly six months and
yet had not had
time to meet many of the people in the community.
She was a young
woman in her early twenties and she smiled as she
came to stand in
front of the Cartwrights.
" He's doing
as well as can be expected Mr. Cartwright, his
pulse and
breathing are much better now. Although he has a slight
fever he's resting
comfortably. Would you like to see him ?"
Without waiting
for an answer she turned with them close
behind and walked
through the door. They passed the room that
Ben had left his
son in and for some reason he felt a chill as he
passed the empty
examining table. They walked to a room off to
the right. Tina
quietly opened the door saying,
" We moved
him in here, it's more private and quiet for him"
Ben and Hoss stood
in the doorway, neither of them daring to
move as they
stared at the still figure in the bed.
" I'll leave
you alone with him" Tina whispered and closed the
door.
Ben moved toward
the bed first, Hoss followed and they stood
on opposite sides
of the bed. Ben looked at his son, he was so
still he leaned
down to hear if he was breathing, it was very
faint. He placed a
hand on Adam's forehead, and felt the heat
warm his hand. He
took Adam's hand in his own and squeezed, there
was no response.
Ben sat heavily in the chair behind him and
pulled it up close
to the bed.
Hoss stood on the
other side of the bed staring at his brother
his eyes full of
disbelief. He had looked up to Adam all his
life and Adam had
always been there for him. He'd been the
epitomy of
strength and reliability, how could he go on without
his big brother.
He has to get well he thought, they needed him,
he needed him. He
took Adam's other hand and tried to tell him
with his touch.
Hoss didn't seem to notice the tears as he tried
to somehow
transfuse his strength to his brother. He looked up
when he realized
Ben was talking to him.
" I want you
to go back to the ranch for me. I need someone ta
take care of
things so I can stay with Adam. I also want someone
there in case
Little Joe goes home first."
Hoss looked back
at his brother, he didn't want to leave. What
if this was the
last time he would ever see him, he wanted to
stay. But he knew
his father needed his help now he had to go.
He leaned down to
whisper in his brother's ear.
" You get
well big brother you hear? If you don't I may have
to sell that nag
of yours" Hoss hesitated then added, " We love
you Adam "
He placed Adam's
hand back on the blanket and looked back at
his father. Ben
gave him a forced smile and said,
" He's gonna
be okay Hoss, they don't know him like we do.
You go on home now
and get some rest. I'll send word as soon as
there's any
change"
" Yes Sir Pa,
you be sure and get some rest too"
" I will Son,
go on now" Ben promised. Hoss left with a
heavy heart. He
wasn't sure he could face being alone at the
ranchouse but he
had no choice. He looked at Adam again hoping
it wouldn't be the
last time, and left.
Once he was gone
Ben turned back to Adam, still holding his
hand. He wanted to
pray but couldn't bring himself to do it just
yet. He looked
down at his son's limp hand and shuddered when h
e saw there was
still blood on it. He quickly went to find Tina
and she brought
soap and water and insisted on washing Adam's
hands off herself.
Ben watched her
work, he had met her once when she first came
to Virginia City.
She looked up at him and said quietly,
" He's a very
handsome man"
" I've always
thought so, but he'd appreciate your noticing"
Ben said. He
smiled when he saw the color rush to her cheeks.
She finished and
left them alone again. Ben resumed his seat
close to his son.
Occasionally he would reach out to feel Adam's
forehead,
straighten a stray hair, or put a hand on Adam's chest
to feel his heart
beating. He felt so helpless like this, he
spoke to his son
but couldn't be sure Adam even heard him. He
lay so still and
quiet Ben felt compelled over and over again to
check that he was
still breathing. It suddenly dawned on him
that he and
Elizabeth had done the same thing after Adam was
born. They had not
slept much the first couple days for they
were sure they had
heard him stop breathing several times. The
memory brought a
brief smile and as he so often did, he wondered
what Elizabeth
would think of this fine son of thiers. He would
also often imagine
what his life would have been like if the boys
had had the
opportunity to grow up with a mother in the family.
For once he was
grateful that none of them were here to have to
go through this
with him.
Ben could not know
what Adam was going through. Adam was
experiencing his
nightmare all alone. He dreamt he was drowning
in a sea of blood
with his family on the shore unable to reach
him. The images
that he saw were graphic and real and he
struggled to
escape them.
Ben had just
leaned back to rest for a moment and fell asleep.
He woke with a
start to find Adam tossing and turning. He
instinctively felt
his forehead, his fever was higher. Calling
out to Tina he
tried to quiet him,
" Shhhhh easy
Son, you're alright, I'm here"
At his father's
touch the images vanished and Adam
concentrated on
his father's voice. That was where he needed to
be and feeling as
though he were on some kind of journey he vowed
to find his way
home.
Tina brought a
basin of cold water and some compresses to cool
him down. As Ben
dipped a cloth in the basin and held it to
Adam's forehead,
Tina checked his wound.
" We not only
have to keep his fever down but we also have to
keep him from
moving around too much or he'll rip his wound open
again. We have to
make sure that doesn't happen or we'll be
right back where
we started from."
" Don't worry
I'll keep him still" Ben assured her.
He spoke to him quietly
as he applied the compresses and Tina
watched with a
sense of awe. It was amazing how just a word or
touch from his
father would instantly quiet Adam. She had seen
Adam in town many
times and although he always smiled and said
hello, she'd always
found him somewhat standoffish. But now she
wondered if she'd
been wrong about him.
" He
certainly responds to you " she said almost to herself
Ben looked up at
her " Well I'm his father that's as it should
be " He
thought about other fathers and sons he'd known and
understood her
meaning. But how could he explain to her or
anyone else what
it had been like to try and be both parents to
your children. He
doubted she would understand and hoped she
would never have
to.
" Well I do
have a kind of special relationship with Adam,
there's something
unique about your firstborn I guess. It's not
as if Adam was
ever any problem for me. He was always such a
good boy, I can
count on one hand the times he gave me cause to
worry."
Tina was trying to
imagine what Adam had looked like as a boy.
She couldn't
really picture it in her mind.
" You know he
always seemed to be so serious almost
unapproachable the
few times I'd seen him in town. He's not like
that though is
he?"
Ben studied Adam's
face for a moment before answering.
" Yes Adam
has always put a lot of energy into that image.
You have to
understand though, it's more of a kind of protection
if you will"
" Protection,
from what?" Tina asked now very curious about
the young man
under her care.
" Well Adam
experienced a lot of loss when he was nothing more
than a boy. I
guess having to see that and how it affected me it
made him want to
keep himself from having to deal with that kind
of pain. So he
somehow figured the way to do that was to
distance himself
from people, even the ones he loves."
They both stayed
silent for a few minutes, then Ben added,
" I think
Hoss put it best when he said Adam is really pretty
soft once you
break through that hard head of his. He really is
a very sensitive,
caring person. If you can break through to
that part of him
it's worth it though"
Tina smiled at
that and hoped that she would get the chance to
know this man that
intriqued her.
By nightfall Tina
and Ben seemed to be fighting a losing
battle against the
fever as it continued to climb. When Doc
Martin returned
from his home visits, he joined in the fight. He
told Ben that he
may have to make a trip to the ice house as a
last resort.
As his fever raged
on Adam was fighting his way back. He
felt that he was
walking in the darkness trying to find his way
home. He had the
sensation of turning a corner and something
caught his eye off
to his left. It was a woman, she didn't speak
but only held her
arms out as if to beckon him. He thought that
he knew her
intimately even though her face wasn't clear. He
noticed a little
bit of light behind her but couldn't see where
it led to. Was
that the way out? Then he noticed two other
figures coming
into view and he recognized them almost
immediately even
though he hadn't seen either of them in years.
They were his
stepmothers, both of whom he had loved dearly. He
looked again at
the first woman and realized she was his own
mother. She still
stood reaching out to him, and he was not sure
what to do. He
looked back in the direction of the others, when
Marie suddenly
spoke,
"It's time to
go Adam, we're waiting for you"
Ben was rather
surprised to look down and see Adam looking at
him, his eyes wide
open, questioning. Ben sat on the bed not sure
if Adam was even
aware he was there.
" Adam can
you hear me?"
" They're
here Pa " he said. Ben felt his head and looked at
his eyes still
glazed with fever. He was probably delirious but
what was he
talking about he wondered?
" Who's here
Son?"
Adam looked at him
for the first time,
" My mother,
I saw her, she was with Inger and Marie. They
said it's time to
go, I have to go with them"
Ben was thankful
he'd sat down, he thought he'd felt his
heart stop. Were
they really here for him?, he was tempted to
look around the
room. But all at once he didn't care, he wasn't
about to let him
go anywhere.
" Adam listen
to me, you don't have to go anywhere if you
don't want to. If
you see them again you tell them that you
don't want to go, it's
not time yet, okay?"
Ben couldn't be
sure he'd heard, " Adam did you hear me?"
" Pa I should
go with them, I want to" he whispered, his eyes
seemed to be
growing heavy again. Ben had the feeling he was
losing his grip on
his son, the familiar desperation.
" No, I don't
want you to, I want you to stay here with your
brothers and me.
The boys and I need you here with us, they will
understand that.
So you just tell them you're not ready to go
with them yet
okay? Ben said then added, " I love you and I want
you to fight to
stay do you understand?" Adam was having a hard
time keeping his
eyes open now and was barely able to whisper,
" I'll try
Pa" and he drifted off again.
Only then did Ben
glance around the room, not even sure what
he expected to
see. Afterward he sighed heavily and looked back
at his son. This
was one he was not going to lose he thought as
he looked skyward
as if to to say, no matter who he was up
against.
*****************************
CHAPTER 10
It was nearly four
in the morning before Adam's fever
started to break.
As the morning light came through the window,
he seemed to
become more aware of where he was, although he
didn't speak. He
would occasionally op
Transfer
interrupted!
room. Ben would
speak to him each time but he never
answered his
questions and would quickly tire and fall asleep
again.
Sometimes it
seemed to his father that he wanted to ask or
say something but
he didn't. As the fever came down Adam became
aware of the pain,
and he also started remembering what had
happened in bits
and pieces. The reality of what had happened
was worse than the
nightmares and he did not want to face it. It
was a great
comfort to have his father there but also a grim
reminder of what
had happened to his youngest brother. When he
looked at Ben he
tried to see if perhaps his father was angry
with him for what
had happened. But each time Ben was calm, and
soothing, and kept
telling him everything was alright. He felt
too weak to talk
about it anyway but soon he would have to face
it.
Dealing with the
pain was all he could think about for awhile
and everything
else became a blur. When Doc Martin returned he
gave him a
sedative and he was blissfully unconscious again. The
Doctor did inform
Ben that it looked like he would pull through,
but they would
continue to keep a close eye on him for awhile.
Feeling the weight
of the world lifted from his shoulders,
Ben was able to
eat a light breakfast. Afterward he was able to
relax and sleep a little.
He wasn't ready to leave Adam though,
so he simply
leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes and
slept.
He was bolted
awake sometime later by the sound of the door
being flung open.
He looked up to see the ashen face of his
youngest son. Joe
looked from Adam to his father
" Is it
true?" he demanded
" Joseph now
hold on a minute....."
" Just tell
me the truth, did Cliff Donovan do this to him?"
Ben's silence was
his answer, and he abrubtly headed for the
door. Ben jumped
up and cut him off, he was nearly taken aback
by Joe's anger.
" Now you
listen to me young man, you are not going anywhere
to see anyone.
I've just spent the worst night of my life and do
not care to repeat
it anytime soon. Therefore you will stay in
this room until I
think you've calmed down enough to think
clearly. And you'd
be doing me a great favor by being here when
he wakes up again.
Do you understand me?"
Joe dropped his
head and let go of the door handle. He
stayed that way
for a moment. When he raised his head to meet
his father's eyes
the anger was gone.
" I thought
he'd killed him", he said brokenly
" Well he
didn't, he's gonna be okay"
Ben held him at
arm's length and looked into his eyes,
" He's going
to need our help to get his strength back okay?"
Joe nodded, wiping
his eyes on his sleeve, regaining his
composure.
" Okay, come
sit down with me then and keep me company" Ben
said taking his
arm and leading him to an empty chair. He
motioned Joe to
sit down and Joe obliged sitting down wearily and
taking a shaky
breath.
" Did you
have breakfast?" Ben asked, noting his appearance.
" Yes Sir, as
soon as we got back to town. That's where Roy
found me a little
while ago."
They both turned
to look at Adam at the same time. Joe was
surprised at how
white his face was, it looked awful and he
looked away. Adam
had always been the strong one he couldn't
bear to see him
like this. Was it just a few weeks ago that Adam
had talked about
the fear of someone close to him dying? Joe
shook his head, he
didn't want to think about that. He couldn't
help but remember
that he had known about Donovan and that maybe
he could've
prevented this whole thing.
" It's as
good as my fault, I knew what Donovan was hanging
around for"
he said softly.
" Joseph please,
there's no blame here. We should just be
thankful he's
gonna be alright"
But it wasn't
enough for Joe, he felt he had to do something,
anything.
" What's
gonna be done about Donovan? " he asked
Ben was feeling Adam's
forehead, relieved to find him much
cooler.
" As soon as
I know Adam's gonna be okay, I intend to have a
talk with that
young man"
Joe looked at his
father like he'd gone crazy, he couldn't
believe his ears,
" Talk to him, what for? What could you
possibly have to
say to him, thanks for not aiming a little
higher?"
Ben glared at his
youngest son who quickly regretted his
words.
" Joseph that
was uncalled for and I think you know it"
Joe stood up and
walked to the window, looking out but not
seeing.
" I'm sorry
Pa, but how do you think I feel finding him like
this and knowing
who's responsible for it? It's a little hard to
just sit here
knowing he's out there probably feeling real happy
with himself"
Ben joined him at
the window putting his arm around his
shoulder.
" I know how
you feel son but I still want to talk to him,
it's important, do
you understand?"
Joe nodded even
though he really didn't understand. He was
too tired for
resistance.
" Thank you
son" Ben said giving his shoulders a squeeze. He
turned back to
Adam, he found it difficult to go very far from
him.
Joe turned with
his back against the window, folding his
arms. " Has
he woken up yet?" he asked
" Yeah he
wakes up on and off, but he kind of looks around
and then drifts
off again. He hasn't said anything although he
seems to want to,
the Doctor says he's going to be very very weak
for awhile. He's
got him sedated now to keep him from moving
around too much.
I'm not sure how much he's aware of when he
does wake
up."
As Ben was
speaking Adam opened his eyes, immediately
searching for his
father, knowing he was somewhere nearby. Ben
already standing
next to the bed, leaned forward, sensing he
wanted to say
something.
" Pa Joe?,
what happened to Little Joe, what did Clif do to
him?" he
asked anxiously trying to sit up.
Ben took hold of
his shoulders to keep him still,
" Shhhh Adam
listen to me, the only thing he ever got his
hands on was the
jacket. He took it at the dance, your brother
is fine, he's right
here"
Ben was motioning
for Joe to come by the bed but he was
already there
having heard his name. He moved in front of his
father, sitting on
the bed so Adam could see him.
" Hey
brother, how ya doing?" he said, trying to sound
cheerful. He saw the
look of relief sweep over Adam's face as he
closed his eyes.
But then he saw something he wasn't prepared
for. To his horror
he watched a single tear roll down his
brother's cheek.
He had never seen Adam cry and never thought
anything could
reduce him, of all people to tears. And it was he
who had caused
Adam's pain. Devastated, he struggled for
something to say,
but he couldn't speak, he simply layed his head
on Adam's chest.
Ben watched as
Adam raised his hand to Joe's head and held
him. Suddenly
overwhelmed Ben quickly turned away and left the
room. Outside the
door, he leaned against it. Once he felt able
he decided it was
as good a time as any to have his visit with
Clif Donovan. Adam
was in good hands, Joe wouldn't leave him for
awhile.
Once outside he
breathed deeply, it seemed like such a long
time since he'd
been out. It was raining lightly and it felt
good on his face
as he crossed the street and headed for the
Sheriff's office.
As he walked he contemplated what he might say
to the man. What
would it be like to face the man who had nearly
killed his son?
Then he remembered the same man had in all
likelihood saved
his life too, the doctor had confirmed that
much.
He walked into
Roy's office prepared to do what he'd come for.
Roy looked up from
his desk with a look of surprise and stood up.
" Ben, how's
Adam?"
" On the mend
Roy, on the mend." he smiled for the first
time in what
seemed like days.
" Well that's
good news Ben, good news indeed" Roy said
smiling with
relief. Then a thought occured to him,
" Well what
can I do for you Ben, Adam able to tell you what
happened?"
" Not exactly
Roy, he just woke up and I haven't really
tried to talk to
him about it yet"
Roy sat back down
and studied Ben's face, he'd never looked
worse.
"Well what is
it Ben?"
Ben hesitated, was
he doing the right thing?
" Roy I was
wondering if I might talk to the young man?"
Ben was not
surprised by Roy's reaction, not unlike that of
Joe's.
" Talk to
him, what the devil for?"
" Roy please
" Ben said evenly.
" Alright
Ben, come with me" Roy said lifting the keys from
the drawer. Ben
followed close behind him not sure what he
expected to see.
Clif looked up
from his cell at the sound of Roy entering
the room. A look of
shock clearly registered on his face and he
stood up.
" Mr.
Cartwright would like to speak with you Donovan" Roy
said as he
unlocked the door. Ben stepped inside and Roy closed
the door and went
back to his desk.
" Mr.
Cartwright is Adam..........?" Clif couldn't finish
the sentence.
" Adam is
improving, Mr. Donovan" Ben answered and he sat on
the cot opposite
Clif's.
Clif sighed and he
too sat down, Ben was watching him and he
looked scared. Ben
had not expected to find him looking so
haggard, he
obviously had not slept well.
" Mr.
Cartwright I want you to know how very sorry I am
about what
happened. I swear to you it was an accident, I had no
intention of
killing him. It happened so fast I didn't even know
what happened
until it was too late. I know there's no excuse
but I was drunk
and not thinking clearly and I........."
He looked up to
Ben's face, it stopped him. Ben was silent
and watched him ,
noticing how he had blue eyes somewhat like
Hoss'. He cleared
his throat and leaned forward.
" Mr. Donovan
I have no doubt that you are sincerely sorry.
That's not what I
came here for. I have come to ask just one
question of
you."
Clif looked into
Ben's piercing eyes, waiting.
" Why?"
Ben said and left it at that.
Clif stood up and
walked around the cell briefly, then turned
back to Ben.
" Why? What
can I say, jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, I
don't know. All I
do know is I felt cheated out of a decent life
and I felt Adam
was responsible. I felt he didn't know or care
about what his
actions did and what it was like for me, how could
he? He had his
family, his home, everything he started with and
more. I was left
with nothing and all because he couldn't keep
his mouth shut, he
couldn't just look the other way."
Clif was practically
shouting, walking back and forth, waving
his arms with
emphasis as he spoke. Ben let him vent, he had the
feeling it was the
first time Clif had expressed any of these
feelings out loud.
" Do you have
any idea how many times I thought about him?
Everytime I was
without a roof over my head, everytime I went
without eating and
had no way of supporting myself. Everytime I
thought about my
family, missed my family, and wanted nothing
more than to go
home, but couldn't. Everytime I remembered the
look on my
father's face the day I left. That is something I
shall never
forget. The more I thought about him the more it ate
away at me, and
then to find him here just as smug as ever. I
wanted him to say
he was sorry, to see and feel what he'd taken
from me. He didn't
seem to even care so I decided I was going to
make him sorry, to
somehow give him a taste of what my loss had
been, to take
something away from him. I wanted to see him hurt
a little, maybe a
lot. I wanted him to pay for what I felt he'd
done to me"
Clif stopped and
looked at Ben and wearliy sat down. He went
on quietly now,
" I was wrong and I know that now, even though
it's too late.
Adam tried to tell me that and I just saw it as
antagonism. I laid
out my own path and caused my own misery. I
had no right to
hold him responsible, I wish I'd realized the
truth sooner. I
wish I could just tell him how sorry I am"
" You can
" Ben said meeting Clif's startled look.
" What do you
mean?" he asked suspiciously
Ben now stood
before him and watched the fear return to his
face.
" Young man I
think that perhaps your biggest mistake was
assuming that you
knew Adam and how he felt about it. If you had
talked to him,
reasonably, you would have found you are quite
wrong. Adam is
very familiar with the pain of loss, it is very
much that pain
that makes him the way he is. The Ponderosa
wasn't simply
handed to us either, we worked and sweated over it,
Adam by my side,
doing the work of a man, working with his back
and his hands,
when he was no more than a boy. He never
complained and
never quit, he always took what life handed him
and dealt with it,
he never got the chance to be a child"
Ben paused, stung
by his own words. Adam's childhood had
indeed ended
somewhere around the age of six, and he'd never
looked back.
" I know my
son walks around like a man without feeling but
it isn't who he
is, it's an image nothing more. The fact that he
doesn't show his
feelings doesn't mean he doesn't have them. "
Clif was listening
feeling sick to his stomach as Ben went
on.
" I buried
three wives and it was Adam who was beside me each
time. And he had
loved them just as I did, and it was his loss as
much as mine.
There are few people that he has allowed himself to
love, and even
then he does it with a sense of fear because he's
all too aware of
how easily he could lose someone. Two of those
people are his
brothers, both of whom he helped me raise. I
can't even begin
to tell you what he must've felt when he thought
you'd killed
Little Joe"
Clif groaned,
" I know I'm sorry, I just thought..."
Ben sat down to
face him, and contiued softly.
" The other
person that he loves, I hope, is me. Because of
that he would go
along with any decision I made regardless of
whether or not he
agreed with me"
Clif looked up now
curious, " What does that mean"
Ben stood again
and walked around the cramped cell as Clif
had done. "
If you are sorry as you say you are, then there is
something you can
do"
Clif was watching him,
waiting, not sure he wanted to know
what he was
getting at.
" First, when
Adam is up and around again, I think you should
talk to him,
apoligize to him, and tell him what you've told me"
" He wouldn't
listen to me, he wouldn't even want to talk to
me now"
" Young man I
think I know my boy better than you do"
Clif nodded and
stared at the floor of his cell.
" Secondly I
will give you the funds you need to return to
Boston. I intend
to speak to Mr. Kelly to make sure your job is
waiting when you
return. In the meantime you will prepare to go
home to see your
family. I expect you will have to write to them
first to let them
know you're coming"
" I can't
" Clif whispered.
Ben suddenly
kneeled in front of him.
" Son you
have been searching for answers for a long time.
Unfortunately
you've been asking in the wrong places. You have
to go home and
face your family, tell them how you feel, let them
know what it's
been like for you. You are never going to find
peace with
yourself or anyone else until you do"
Clif looked up
into Ben's face searchingly. He had called him
son, even after
what he'd done, he was here before him offering
him compassion and
forgiveness. So this was the man everyone
respected so much,
himself included now. He was even more
devastated about
what he'd done and it showed on his face. But
he knew Ben was
right, he'd known for sometime that he would have
to go home and
face them or he would never find happiness
anywhere.
" What am I
going to say to them?"
" Just tell
them what's in your heart" Ben said poking him
lightly in the
chest. He watched as Clif dropped his head again,
he felt a pang in
his chest for the boy.
" I'm not
only asking you to do this for yourself, but for
Adam as well"
Clif didn't say
anything, he didn't know what to say. He
looked up as Ben
stood to his full height.
" I'd like
your promise on this son" he said sternly.
Clif hesitated for
just a moment then stood and firmly took
Ben's hand and
shook.
" You have my
word Sir. Thank you Mr. Cartwright for
everything"
To his great
relief Ben smiled and slapped him on the arm.
" Good, you
get started on that letter to your family then,
and I will have a
talk with Roy about getting you out of here.
Then I want to get
back to my son. I'll see you in a couple
days"
Ben turned to
leave, as he opened the cell door Clif called,
" Mr.
Cartwright, I am truly sorry for what happened"
Ben smiled at him
and with no anger in his voice said,
" I know
son" and he turned and walked out. Clif sat and
listened to the
fading footsteps. He thought of how lucky Adam
was and was more
thankful then ever that he had not taken Adam's
life.
****************************
CHAPTER 11
Nearly a week
after the accident, Adam was preparing to leave
the room he had
come to hate. Doc Martin was supposed to check
him out today and
then hopefully tell Ben he could go home. He
was still very
weak, a simple action like lifting his arms to
shave made him
nearly pass out. The process of getting his
strength back was
too slow and frustrating, he wanted to just
feel like himself
again. He was weak as a kitten and it
embarassed him to
have to still rely on Tina and his father for
help occasionally.
But he was determined that he was going to
get home today no
matter what the doctor said.
He was packing the
few belongings in the room even though Ben
had told him to
wait. He did have to stop and rest often as the
room would start
to spin if he moved too fast. It happened again
when he reached to
pick up a shirt he'd dropped. He sat in the
chair and waited
for the nausea to pass. When his head cleared
he saw a shadow on
the wall and turned toward the door, ready to
defend himself to
his father. He wasn't prepared for the man
that stood before
him.
" Hi Adam,
how ya feeling?"
Adam looked like
he'd seen a ghost, it was Clif Donovan.
" Adam I know
I shouldn't be here, I just wanted to tell you
I'm sorry. I had
no intention of hurting you that day"
" Physically
or emotionally " Adam said bitterly.
" Look Adam,
I was wrong and I know that now, I'm sorry"
Adam was staring
at him, remembering.
" Do you know
what I'd do to you right now if you'd killed my
brother?"
Clif shuddered, he
knew without looking at him, he knew.
" I know
Adam, I wouldn't be here now if I had"
Adam leaned back
in the chair feeling the room start to
waver.
" Why are you
here Clif?"
" Aside from
a promise I made, I don't know"
A thought suddenly
occured to Adam and he asked,
" Why didn't
you run when you had the chance? You could've
just left me there
and no one would've known"
Clif sat on the
bed taking off his hat
" Adam I told
you before I didn't want to kill you. I was
drunk and I was
looking for a way to hurt you like I felt I'd
been hurt. The day
I met your brother, I knew that was the only
way to hurt you.
That your family was your only weak spot and I
took advantage of
that. I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry, I
don't know how to
make you believe that"
They both stayed
silent for awhile, neither of them sure what
to say next. Adam
was sure it must've been difficult for Clif to
face him and he
respected him for it.
" Well Clif,
you did save my life, so I guess I have no
choice but to
forgive you"
Clif looked at
him, he was wearing that half smile that he
used to think was
smugness. Ben had been right about him.
" Thanks
Adam, I appreciate that. I hope someday we can be
friends
again"
" I don't see
why not, you're not going anywhere are you?"
Clif smiled, his
heart felt lighter all of a sudden. He
wished for the
hundreath time that they could have had this talk
before.
" Well
actually Adam, I am going somewhere for just a couple
weeks. I got a
letter today, from my mother, she wants me to
come home so we
can talk. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning."
" Really,
you're going home? That's great Clif, it's
something you need
to do, it'll make the rest of your life better
I'm sure"
Adam said and Clif knew that he was sincere.
" Anyway I
will be back, Mr. Kelly has a permanent job here
for me and I
intend to start my own spread eventually. And on
top of all that I
have a special girl in mind that I don't want
to venture too far
from"
" Oh "
Adam said raising an eyebrow " Anyone I know?"
" Maybe"
Clif said, a little embarassed now " When I come
back I may just
ask her to marry me and settle down and have my
own family. That
is unless someone in the territory objects"
Adam smiled
geniuinely happy and said, " You gonna need a
best man? "
" Well we'll
see when I get back. You think you'll have some
color back in your
face by then, you look real peaked?"
" Well you
just wait and see when you get back"
They were both
back in a mode they'd shared in school and it
felt good to both
of them.
" Anyway I'm
glad to see you up and around. I mean that Adam"
" Thanks
Clif. Listen you make sure you come out and see me
when you get back.
You can tell me all about your trip and
everything."
" You got a
deal Adam " Clif said and shook his hand, then
turned to leave.
He was halfway out the door when Adam called
him back.
" Hey Clif,
one more thing"
Clif leaned back
in the door " Yeah what's that?"
" You owe my
little brother a jacket "
" Tell you
what Adam, get him the best one you can find and
send me the bill. I'll
see you in a couple weeks, you take care"
Adam watched him
go and was sincerely happy for him. He felt
better once the
anger left him. He was glad Clif was getting
this chance to
reunite with his family, but was sad for him at
the same time
because he had never gotten the chance to work
things out with
his father. With that thought Adam got up and
resumed his
packing.
He paused when he
found some of the books Joe had brought from
his room, deciding
that he would read to Adam to pass the time.
He had proudly
announced one day " Okay what's your pleasure, we
got Taming of the
Shrew, or poetry by Francis Villon"
Adam laughed out
loud when he remembered how Joe had
butchered the
French Poet's name. He was still smiling when Ben
came in the room
unnoticed.
" Well what
are you doing out of bed?" he boomed
Adam jumped and
then stuffed the books in a bag, and sat down
on the bed.
" I was just
looking for something to read Pa"
Ben sat himself in
the chair and watched Adam pretend to
read.
" Has Paul
been in yet with the verdict?" Ben asked
" No and I
wish he'd hurry up, I want to get out of here."
Ben smiled at
that, he was clearly ready to go home
" I'm
surprised at you son, here you have people waiting on
you hand and foot
and you want to leave?"
" More than
I've ever wanted anything in my life. I miss my
brothers can you
believe that?"
" Yeah well
guess what, they miss you too. But Paul said he
wouldn't be back
until after lunch so you still have to wait a
little
longer"
Ben stood by the
bed and propped some pillows up behind
Adam's head,
gently pushing him back against them.
" Why didn't
you tell me that before?"
Ben looked at his
pale face, wishing he would get some color
back. It made him
look so sickly and was too much of a reminder
of what they'd
come through. But his eyes were brighter than ever
and that made him
feel better.
" Look a
couple more hours is nothing, by tonight you'll be
sitting at the
table eating dinner at home. Now how does that
sound?"
Adam looked like
he was sulking and it was almost comical to
see. He nodded but
said nothing, he could wait as long as he was
definately going
home
" Even if he
says I'm not ready I'm going, so just remember
that"
" I'll promise
him we will lock you in your room until he
says it's safe to
let you out okay?"
Adam smiled and
leaned back willingly, he watched his father
walk around the
room, picking up things to pack.
" Hey guess
who came to visit me this morning?"
Ben stood up
straight to look at him " I don't know who?"
" My
assailant came to see me, to apoligize" Adam announced
putting his hands
behind his head, feeling the familiar
quesiness.
" Oh he did
did he? Well what happened, did you accept it"
" Yes I did,
but you knew I would didn't you?"
Adam said enjoying
the look of surprise on his father's face.
Ben smiled and
returned to his side.
" Yes I did,
I know you that well. Even though you like to
think you have
everyone fooled with that stoic attitude. I for
one know what's in
that heart of yours"
Adam smiled but it
quickly faded when he noticed how tired
and worn out his
father looked. He seemed to be years older, the
days of constant
worry and no sleep had clearly taken their toll
on him. He was ashamed
that he had not noticed before how much
his injury had
affected his father. He remembered Ben asking him
about having seen
his mother and stepmothers and saying he wanted
to go with them.
He remembered none of that but could tell by
Ben's voice that
it must've been very painful for him to hear.
There was so much
he wanted to say to his father, so much he had
promised himself
he would say to him if he got well. He felt a
sudden need to
tell him now what he was feeling or he might never
tell him.
" Pa, I
wanted to tell you how sorry I am for putting you
through all
that" Adam said quietly
Ben was leafing
through the book Adam had put down and
without looking up
said, " It goes with the territory son"
He always says
that Adam thought with frustration. But it was
more than that,
much more. To know how much his father was
willing to
sacrifice for him, it was more than simple obligation.
" Pa all the
time that I was laying there, I kept thinking
that there was
something I had to tell you. And I was afraid
that I was going
to die before I got the chance. But it was real
important that you
knew"
Ben was watching
as he struggled for the right words, this
was not easy for
him. He stayed quiet letting Adam sort out what
he wanted to
say"
Adam was biting
his lip, he knew exactly what he wanted to
say but didn't
know how to say it. It made him feel foolish that
he couldn't simply
express what he wanted to his father. Just
speak plain he
kept saying to himself, but nothing would come.
He had sworn he
would do this if he recovered, it was now or
never, he had to
do it.
" Pa what I
wanted you to know is ............. I love you"
There he said it
and allowed himself to breath again. He knew
he should look at
his father but he couldn't. He felt Ben put a
hand on his
shoulder.
" I know son,
I've never doubted it" Ben said softly.
Adam nodded, he
knew Ben was aware of how he felt but it
still didn't seem
fair that he'd never been able to tell him.
Somehow he had to
justify that.
" I remember
when you brought Marie home, I kind've gave her
a hard time"
" Kind've?
" Ben said but he was smiling when he said it.
" Okay I
really gave her a hard time. But it wasn't because
I didn't care. It
was just losing Inger was so hard and I didn't
want to ever get
that close to anyone again. And then when she
died it just
reconfirmed what I'd already convinced myself of,
loving someone
isn't safe. So I promised myself I'd never get
that close to
anyone again, that's kind've tough when you already
have people in
your life that your close to. I did love Marie
but I never told
her, I never got the chance. I will never
forgive myself for
that, she never knew"
Ben squeezed his
shoulder gently, " She knew son "
" Well
anyway, it was scary laying in that bed thinking that
the same thing was
going to happen again. I didn't want to die
having never
....."
Ben didn't let him
finish, for the first time in years he
gave in to his
impulse and pulled Adam into his arms. He was
alive and he was
going to get well. That was enough of a reason
to be thankful, he
didn't need anymore. To Ben's surprise Adam
let him. He seemed
to relax in the solace of his father's arms
like he had as a
boy, and he held on.
After a hurried
lunch and the okay from Doc Martin, Ben and
Adam prepared to
go home. Ben loaded the buckboard and made Adam
wait on the porch.
Then turning to Adam he said
" Well young
man, are you ready to go home?"
Without an answer
Adam started to climb into the seat, Ben
grabbed his arm.
" Don't you
think you might better ride in the back?"
" Pa come on
don't mollycoddle me. I just want to get home"
Ben studied his
son's pale face, he'd grown accustomed to
taking care of
him. It was time to let go and give him back his
head.
" Okay son but
if you start falling off the seat you let me
know so I can grab
you"
" Deal"
Adam nearly shouted and eagerly climbed up in the
seat. He breathed
in deeply, glad to be free of the musty inside
air.
Ben picked up the
reins and turned to Adam,
" You wannt
drive too?" he asked holding out the reins.
" No thanks
Pa, I'll just be the passenger this trip"
It was a long trip
to the ranch and Adam was almost sorry a
few times that he
hadn't sat in the back. More than once he had
to grip the seat
until the dizziness passed. Ben was watching
him out of the
corner of his eye.
" You want me
to stop?" he said, trying not to sound worried.
Adam shook his
head, but Ben stopped anyway.
" Adam listen
to me, I know you're eager to get home. But I
want you to
promise me that you'll take it slow. You cannot go
right back to
doing what you did before. You have to give
yourself time, and
you have plenty of it."
" Okay okay I
will I promise, let's go"
This is not going
to be easy, Ben thought. He was not
willingly going to
be limited. He would just have to warn Hoss
and Joe to keep an
eye on him and make sure he didn't overdue.
Soon they came
around the corner of the barn and the house
came into view.
Adam smiled broadly, he had the impulse to jump
out of the wagon
and run into the house. He looked at his father
and decided to
save it for another time. Hearing the wagon roll
up Hoss and Joe
came out of the house shouting,
" Welcome
home Adam"
Adam noticed the
sign over the porch stating the same
sentiment. Ben
pulled the wagon to a stop and Adam stood up, his
face was full of
happiness and Ben watched him with a sense of
satisfaction.
Suddenly to his horror Hoss grabbed Adam under the
arms and swung him
around
" Home again,
home again, jiggity jog" he shouted, while Joe
was trying to join
in.
Ben opened his
mouth to shout his protest, but then took
another look at
the sheer delight on all their faces, and changed
his mind.
" Come on Pa,
we got a celebration to take care of" Hoss
shouted at him.
" You fellas
go on in, I'll be right there"
They turned to go
inside, Adam supported by a brother on each
side of him. Ben
felt his chest fill with love and pride for his
sons. That was
where his real wealth was and he knew it. The
ranch house was
simply that, a house. His boys were home, and he
was so very
grateful he still had his eldest. He turned his eyes
to the heavens and
whispered, " Thank you" and turned to join his
sons.
The End
**********************************