The Ties That Bind Part Two
Written by Mary Stone

CHAPTER 9
Ben and Hoss sat together outside Doc Martin's office. Once
in awhile Hoss stood up and paced. He tried not to, knowing it
made his father more nervous, but now sat with his leg bouncing
up and down with anxiety. Ben put a hand on his knee and gave
him a weak smile.
" He's gonna be okay Hoss" he said gently.
Hoss winced as if he'd been slapped and abrubtly stood
" How can you be so sure Pa? He's been in there over an hour
and you heard the Doc say he may not survive the operation"
Hoss was sorry as soon as he got the words out but he
couldn't help himself, he was scared. He sat back down and
sighed heavily.
" I'm sorry Pa, I just can't believe any of this is real"
Ben leaned back too, and patted Hoss' hand
" It's okay Son, I know. Just pray he'll be alright, that's
what I meant"
They looked up at the sound of the door opening, it was the
the Sherrif Roy Coffee.
" Howdy Ben, how is he?" he asked
" I don't know Roy, Paul is still in there with him."
Roy frowned and pulled up a chair
" I'm sorry Ben. Did he say anything about what happened?"
Ben shook his head, he thought about mentioning what Clif had
been saying but it didn't make any sense so he kept quiet.
" Ben I've got that young feller that was with Adam over to
the jail. He says he stole Little Joe's jacket at the dance last
night cause he wanted to scare Adam, make him think he'd killed
Little Joe. I reckon Adam was on him before he knew what
happened, but he claims he didn't mean to stab him. Says it was
all an accident"
Ben was solemn he couldn't concentrate on what Roy was saying.
Hoss already frustrated with waiting and with Roy's story said,
" Why would he wanna do a thing like that and what'd he think
Adam was going to do to him? Just stand there and accept it, I
don't believe his story for a minute. Pa said he's been after
Adam since he came to town"
Roy looked at Hoss letting him have his say then turned back
to Ben. Ben was a very good friend and he hated having to bother
him with this now.
" Anyway Ben, I'm holding him over to the jail. But until I
know for sure what happened over there, I can't rightly charge
him with anything you understand. I'm hoping Adam will help
clear this up"
Ben lifted his head to look at the closed door before him.
" He will" he said " You may have to wait awhile but he will"
Roy stood and looked at Ben's drawn face with concern
" Ben as upset as that young fella is, I don't think it was
anything but an accident"
Ben looked up at Roy, he couldn't think about anything but
the part of his heart that was in the next room. He could not
lose his son as he had his wives. He couldn't go through that
again, he wouldn't be able to take it, he knew that.
" Well Ben, you let me know if you find out anything new."
Roy said and put his hat on preparing to leave.
" Anyone seen Little Joe yet?" Hoss asked
" No not yet, but we left word all over town and with Frank's
parents that he's to come here when he gets back"
" Thank you Roy, we appreciate your help" Ben told him
" Well I reckon I best be getting back to my office. We're
all hoping for the best Ben"
Ben smiled gratefully at his old friend, knowing he was
sincere. Roy had known Adam since he was a boy and they had
first settled here. He was comforted slightly by those words as
Roy left.
Not long after his departure, Doctor Paul Martin emerged from
the back room. Father and son stood immediately with anxious
expressions on their faces, waiting.
The doctor looked terribly worn as he spoke,
" He lost an awful lot of blood Ben, I don't know. I
repaired the damage, did everything I could" he stopped now and
looked at Ben, he had to be honest but he desperately wanted to
promise this man that his son would recover, " The next forty
eight hours will be critical, now we just watch and wait. To be
honest Ben I don't give him much of a chance, he was nearly gone
when we got him here"
Ben didn't hear that, his heart was beating madly in his
chest. He was alive that was all he needed. " Can we see him
now?" he asked with a sense of urgency.
" Tina is seeing to him now, when she finishes the dressing
you can go in. He isn't conscious though Ben, he may not
ever......" The doctor decided not to finish the sentence and
istead said, " I have to go make my rounds, Tina will be here if
you need anything. I'll be back this afternoon and check on him"
Ben grabbed the doctor's arm and squeezed, his eyes full of
gratitude
" Thank you Paul, thank you so much"
" Don't thank me yet Ben. I'll tell you something though if
he has any chance at all it's due to that young man who kept the
bleeding at bay"
Ben nodded and the doctor gribbed his shoulder,
" You stay with him Ben, I'll be back this evening and we'll
see how he is" The doctor said with some difficulty and he left
quickly.
Ben and Hoss watched the door close then turned their
attention to the closed door before them. A few minutes later
Tina Martin came out. She was the niece of Doctor Martin and had
come here afte completing her nursing training. Against her
father's wishes she decided that she wanted to go further and
become a doctor and that working with her uncle would give her
invaluable experience before she made up her mind to go on.
She'd been working with her uncle for nearly six months and
yet had not had time to meet many of the people in the community.
She was a young woman in her early twenties and she smiled as she
came to stand in front of the Cartwrights.
" He's doing as well as can be expected Mr. Cartwright, his
pulse and breathing are much better now. Although he has a slight
fever he's resting comfortably. Would you like to see him ?"
Without waiting for an answer she turned with them close
behind and walked through the door. They passed the room that
Ben had left his son in and for some reason he felt a chill as he
passed the empty examining table. They walked to a room off to
the right. Tina quietly opened the door saying,
" We moved him in here, it's more private and quiet for him"
Ben and Hoss stood in the doorway, neither of them daring to
move as they stared at the still figure in the bed.
" I'll leave you alone with him" Tina whispered and closed the
door.
Ben moved toward the bed first, Hoss followed and they stood
on opposite sides of the bed. Ben looked at his son, he was so
still he leaned down to hear if he was breathing, it was very
faint. He placed a hand on Adam's forehead, and felt the heat
warm his hand. He took Adam's hand in his own and squeezed, there
was no response. Ben sat heavily in the chair behind him and
pulled it up close to the bed.
Hoss stood on the other side of the bed staring at his brother
his eyes full of disbelief. He had looked up to Adam all his
life and Adam had always been there for him. He'd been the
epitomy of strength and reliability, how could he go on without
his big brother. He has to get well he thought, they needed him,
he needed him. He took Adam's other hand and tried to tell him
with his touch. Hoss didn't seem to notice the tears as he tried
to somehow transfuse his strength to his brother. He looked up
when he realized Ben was talking to him.
" I want you to go back to the ranch for me. I need someone ta
take care of things so I can stay with Adam. I also want someone
there in case Little Joe goes home first."
Hoss looked back at his brother, he didn't want to leave. What
if this was the last time he would ever see him, he wanted to
stay. But he knew his father needed his help now he had to go.
He leaned down to whisper in his brother's ear.
" You get well big brother you hear? If you don't I may have
to sell that nag of yours" Hoss hesitated then added, " We love
you Adam "
He placed Adam's hand back on the blanket and looked back at
his father. Ben gave him a forced smile and said,
" He's gonna be okay Hoss, they don't know him like we do.
You go on home now and get some rest. I'll send word as soon as
there's any change"
" Yes Sir Pa, you be sure and get some rest too"
" I will Son, go on now" Ben promised. Hoss left with a
heavy heart. He wasn't sure he could face being alone at the
ranchouse but he had no choice. He looked at Adam again hoping
it wouldn't be the last time, and left.
Once he was gone Ben turned back to Adam, still holding his
hand. He wanted to pray but couldn't bring himself to do it just
yet. He looked down at his son's limp hand and shuddered when h
e saw there was still blood on it. He quickly went to find Tina
and she brought soap and water and insisted on washing Adam's
hands off herself.
Ben watched her work, he had met her once when she first came
to Virginia City. She looked up at him and said quietly,
" He's a very handsome man"
" I've always thought so, but he'd appreciate your noticing"
Ben said. He smiled when he saw the color rush to her cheeks.
She finished and left them alone again. Ben resumed his seat
close to his son. Occasionally he would reach out to feel Adam's
forehead, straighten a stray hair, or put a hand on Adam's chest
to feel his heart beating. He felt so helpless like this, he
spoke to his son but couldn't be sure Adam even heard him. He
lay so still and quiet Ben felt compelled over and over again to
check that he was still breathing. It suddenly dawned on him
that he and Elizabeth had done the same thing after Adam was
born. They had not slept much the first couple days for they
were sure they had heard him stop breathing several times. The
memory brought a brief smile and as he so often did, he wondered
what Elizabeth would think of this fine son of thiers. He would
also often imagine what his life would have been like if the boys
had had the opportunity to grow up with a mother in the family.
For once he was grateful that none of them were here to have to
go through this with him.
Ben could not know what Adam was going through. Adam was
experiencing his nightmare all alone. He dreamt he was drowning
in a sea of blood with his family on the shore unable to reach
him. The images that he saw were graphic and real and he
struggled to escape them.
Ben had just leaned back to rest for a moment and fell asleep.
He woke with a start to find Adam tossing and turning. He
instinctively felt his forehead, his fever was higher. Calling
out to Tina he tried to quiet him,
" Shhhhh easy Son, you're alright, I'm here"
At his father's touch the images vanished and Adam
concentrated on his father's voice. That was where he needed to
be and feeling as though he were on some kind of journey he vowed
to find his way home.
Tina brought a basin of cold water and some compresses to cool
him down. As Ben dipped a cloth in the basin and held it to
Adam's forehead, Tina checked his wound.
" We not only have to keep his fever down but we also have to
keep him from moving around too much or he'll rip his wound open
again. We have to make sure that doesn't happen or we'll be
right back where we started from."
" Don't worry I'll keep him still" Ben assured her.
He spoke to him quietly as he applied the compresses and Tina
watched with a sense of awe. It was amazing how just a word or
touch from his father would instantly quiet Adam. She had seen
Adam in town many times and although he always smiled and said
hello, she'd always found him somewhat standoffish. But now she
wondered if she'd been wrong about him.
" He certainly responds to you " she said almost to herself
Ben looked up at her " Well I'm his father that's as it should
be " He thought about other fathers and sons he'd known and
understood her meaning. But how could he explain to her or
anyone else what it had been like to try and be both parents to
your children. He doubted she would understand and hoped she
would never have to.
" Well I do have a kind of special relationship with Adam,
there's something unique about your firstborn I guess. It's not
as if Adam was ever any problem for me. He was always such a
good boy, I can count on one hand the times he gave me cause to
worry."
Tina was trying to imagine what Adam had looked like as a boy.
She couldn't really picture it in her mind.
" You know he always seemed to be so serious almost
unapproachable the few times I'd seen him in town. He's not like
that though is he?"
Ben studied Adam's face for a moment before answering.
" Yes Adam has always put a lot of energy into that image.
You have to understand though, it's more of a kind of protection
if you will"
" Protection, from what?" Tina asked now very curious about
the young man under her care.
" Well Adam experienced a lot of loss when he was nothing more
than a boy. I guess having to see that and how it affected me it
made him want to keep himself from having to deal with that kind
of pain. So he somehow figured the way to do that was to
distance himself from people, even the ones he loves."
They both stayed silent for a few minutes, then Ben added,
" I think Hoss put it best when he said Adam is really pretty
soft once you break through that hard head of his. He really is
a very sensitive, caring person. If you can break through to
that part of him it's worth it though"
Tina smiled at that and hoped that she would get the chance to
know this man that intriqued her.
By nightfall Tina and Ben seemed to be fighting a losing
battle against the fever as it continued to climb. When Doc
Martin returned from his home visits, he joined in the fight. He
told Ben that he may have to make a trip to the ice house as a
last resort.
As his fever raged on Adam was fighting his way back. He
felt that he was walking in the darkness trying to find his way
home. He had the sensation of turning a corner and something
caught his eye off to his left. It was a woman, she didn't speak
but only held her arms out as if to beckon him. He thought that
he knew her intimately even though her face wasn't clear. He
noticed a little bit of light behind her but couldn't see where
it led to. Was that the way out? Then he noticed two other
figures coming into view and he recognized them almost
immediately even though he hadn't seen either of them in years.
They were his stepmothers, both of whom he had loved dearly. He
looked again at the first woman and realized she was his own
mother. She still stood reaching out to him, and he was not sure
what to do. He looked back in the direction of the others, when
Marie suddenly spoke,
"It's time to go Adam, we're waiting for you"
Ben was rather surprised to look down and see Adam looking at
him, his eyes wide open, questioning. Ben sat on the bed not sure
if Adam was even aware he was there.
" Adam can you hear me?"
" They're here Pa " he said. Ben felt his head and looked at
his eyes still glazed with fever. He was probably delirious but
what was he talking about he wondered?
" Who's here Son?"
Adam looked at him for the first time,
" My mother, I saw her, she was with Inger and Marie. They
said it's time to go, I have to go with them"
Ben was thankful he'd sat down, he thought he'd felt his
heart stop. Were they really here for him?, he was tempted to
look around the room. But all at once he didn't care, he wasn't
about to let him go anywhere.
" Adam listen to me, you don't have to go anywhere if you
don't want to. If you see them again you tell them that you
don't want to go, it's not time yet, okay?"
Ben couldn't be sure he'd heard, " Adam did you hear me?"
" Pa I should go with them, I want to" he whispered, his eyes
seemed to be growing heavy again. Ben had the feeling he was
losing his grip on his son, the familiar desperation.
" No, I don't want you to, I want you to stay here with your
brothers and me. The boys and I need you here with us, they will
understand that. So you just tell them you're not ready to go
with them yet okay? Ben said then added, " I love you and I want
you to fight to stay do you understand?" Adam was having a hard
time keeping his eyes open now and was barely able to whisper,
" I'll try Pa" and he drifted off again.
Only then did Ben glance around the room, not even sure what
he expected to see. Afterward he sighed heavily and looked back
at his son. This was one he was not going to lose he thought as
he looked skyward as if to to say, no matter who he was up
against.
*****************************
CHAPTER 10
It was nearly four in the morning before Adam's fever
started to break. As the morning light came through the window,
he seemed to become more aware of where he was, although he
didn't speak. He would occasionally op

Transfer interrupted!
room. Ben would speak to him each time but he never
answered his questions and would quickly tire and fall asleep
again.
Sometimes it seemed to his father that he wanted to ask or
say something but he didn't. As the fever came down Adam became
aware of the pain, and he also started remembering what had
happened in bits and pieces. The reality of what had happened
was worse than the nightmares and he did not want to face it. It
was a great comfort to have his father there but also a grim
reminder of what had happened to his youngest brother. When he
looked at Ben he tried to see if perhaps his father was angry
with him for what had happened. But each time Ben was calm, and
soothing, and kept telling him everything was alright. He felt
too weak to talk about it anyway but soon he would have to face
it.
Dealing with the pain was all he could think about for awhile
and everything else became a blur. When Doc Martin returned he
gave him a sedative and he was blissfully unconscious again. The
Doctor did inform Ben that it looked like he would pull through,
but they would continue to keep a close eye on him for awhile.
Feeling the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders,
Ben was able to eat a light breakfast. Afterward he was able to
relax and sleep a little. He wasn't ready to leave Adam though,
so he simply leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes and
slept.
He was bolted awake sometime later by the sound of the door
being flung open. He looked up to see the ashen face of his
youngest son. Joe looked from Adam to his father
" Is it true?" he demanded
" Joseph now hold on a minute....."
" Just tell me the truth, did Cliff Donovan do this to him?"
Ben's silence was his answer, and he abrubtly headed for the
door. Ben jumped up and cut him off, he was nearly taken aback
by Joe's anger.
" Now you listen to me young man, you are not going anywhere
to see anyone. I've just spent the worst night of my life and do
not care to repeat it anytime soon. Therefore you will stay in
this room until I think you've calmed down enough to think
clearly. And you'd be doing me a great favor by being here when
he wakes up again. Do you understand me?"
Joe dropped his head and let go of the door handle. He
stayed that way for a moment. When he raised his head to meet
his father's eyes the anger was gone.
" I thought he'd killed him", he said brokenly
" Well he didn't, he's gonna be okay"
Ben held him at arm's length and looked into his eyes,
" He's going to need our help to get his strength back okay?"
Joe nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, regaining his
composure.
" Okay, come sit down with me then and keep me company" Ben
said taking his arm and leading him to an empty chair. He
motioned Joe to sit down and Joe obliged sitting down wearily and
taking a shaky breath.
" Did you have breakfast?" Ben asked, noting his appearance.
" Yes Sir, as soon as we got back to town. That's where Roy
found me a little while ago."
They both turned to look at Adam at the same time. Joe was
surprised at how white his face was, it looked awful and he
looked away. Adam had always been the strong one he couldn't
bear to see him like this. Was it just a few weeks ago that Adam
had talked about the fear of someone close to him dying? Joe
shook his head, he didn't want to think about that. He couldn't
help but remember that he had known about Donovan and that maybe
he could've prevented this whole thing.
" It's as good as my fault, I knew what Donovan was hanging
around for" he said softly.
" Joseph please, there's no blame here. We should just be
thankful he's gonna be alright"
But it wasn't enough for Joe, he felt he had to do something,
anything.
" What's gonna be done about Donovan? " he asked
Ben was feeling Adam's forehead, relieved to find him much
cooler.
" As soon as I know Adam's gonna be okay, I intend to have a
talk with that young man"
Joe looked at his father like he'd gone crazy, he couldn't
believe his ears, " Talk to him, what for? What could you
possibly have to say to him, thanks for not aiming a little
higher?"
Ben glared at his youngest son who quickly regretted his
words.
" Joseph that was uncalled for and I think you know it"
Joe stood up and walked to the window, looking out but not
seeing.
" I'm sorry Pa, but how do you think I feel finding him like
this and knowing who's responsible for it? It's a little hard to
just sit here knowing he's out there probably feeling real happy
with himself"
Ben joined him at the window putting his arm around his
shoulder.
" I know how you feel son but I still want to talk to him,
it's important, do you understand?"
Joe nodded even though he really didn't understand. He was
too tired for resistance.
" Thank you son" Ben said giving his shoulders a squeeze. He
turned back to Adam, he found it difficult to go very far from
him.
Joe turned with his back against the window, folding his
arms. " Has he woken up yet?" he asked
" Yeah he wakes up on and off, but he kind of looks around
and then drifts off again. He hasn't said anything although he
seems to want to, the Doctor says he's going to be very very weak
for awhile. He's got him sedated now to keep him from moving
around too much. I'm not sure how much he's aware of when he
does wake up."
As Ben was speaking Adam opened his eyes, immediately
searching for his father, knowing he was somewhere nearby. Ben
already standing next to the bed, leaned forward, sensing he
wanted to say something.
" Pa Joe?, what happened to Little Joe, what did Clif do to
him?" he asked anxiously trying to sit up.
Ben took hold of his shoulders to keep him still,
" Shhhh Adam listen to me, the only thing he ever got his
hands on was the jacket. He took it at the dance, your brother
is fine, he's right here"
Ben was motioning for Joe to come by the bed but he was
already there having heard his name. He moved in front of his
father, sitting on the bed so Adam could see him.
" Hey brother, how ya doing?" he said, trying to sound
cheerful. He saw the look of relief sweep over Adam's face as he
closed his eyes. But then he saw something he wasn't prepared
for. To his horror he watched a single tear roll down his
brother's cheek. He had never seen Adam cry and never thought
anything could reduce him, of all people to tears. And it was he
who had caused Adam's pain. Devastated, he struggled for
something to say, but he couldn't speak, he simply layed his head
on Adam's chest.
Ben watched as Adam raised his hand to Joe's head and held
him. Suddenly overwhelmed Ben quickly turned away and left the
room. Outside the door, he leaned against it. Once he felt able
he decided it was as good a time as any to have his visit with
Clif Donovan. Adam was in good hands, Joe wouldn't leave him for
awhile.
Once outside he breathed deeply, it seemed like such a long
time since he'd been out. It was raining lightly and it felt
good on his face as he crossed the street and headed for the
Sheriff's office. As he walked he contemplated what he might say
to the man. What would it be like to face the man who had nearly
killed his son? Then he remembered the same man had in all
likelihood saved his life too, the doctor had confirmed that
much.
He walked into Roy's office prepared to do what he'd come for.
Roy looked up from his desk with a look of surprise and stood up.
" Ben, how's Adam?"
" On the mend Roy, on the mend." he smiled for the first
time in what seemed like days.
" Well that's good news Ben, good news indeed" Roy said
smiling with relief. Then a thought occured to him,
" Well what can I do for you Ben, Adam able to tell you what
happened?"
" Not exactly Roy, he just woke up and I haven't really
tried to talk to him about it yet"
Roy sat back down and studied Ben's face, he'd never looked
worse.
"Well what is it Ben?"
Ben hesitated, was he doing the right thing?
" Roy I was wondering if I might talk to the young man?"
Ben was not surprised by Roy's reaction, not unlike that of
Joe's.
" Talk to him, what the devil for?"
" Roy please " Ben said evenly.
" Alright Ben, come with me" Roy said lifting the keys from
the drawer. Ben followed close behind him not sure what he
expected to see.
Clif looked up from his cell at the sound of Roy entering
the room. A look of shock clearly registered on his face and he
stood up.
" Mr. Cartwright would like to speak with you Donovan" Roy
said as he unlocked the door. Ben stepped inside and Roy closed
the door and went back to his desk.
" Mr. Cartwright is Adam..........?" Clif couldn't finish
the sentence.
" Adam is improving, Mr. Donovan" Ben answered and he sat on
the cot opposite Clif's.
Clif sighed and he too sat down, Ben was watching him and he
looked scared. Ben had not expected to find him looking so
haggard, he obviously had not slept well.
" Mr. Cartwright I want you to know how very sorry I am
about what happened. I swear to you it was an accident, I had no
intention of killing him. It happened so fast I didn't even know
what happened until it was too late. I know there's no excuse
but I was drunk and not thinking clearly and I........."
He looked up to Ben's face, it stopped him. Ben was silent
and watched him , noticing how he had blue eyes somewhat like
Hoss'. He cleared his throat and leaned forward.
" Mr. Donovan I have no doubt that you are sincerely sorry.
That's not what I came here for. I have come to ask just one
question of you."
Clif looked into Ben's piercing eyes, waiting.
" Why?" Ben said and left it at that.
Clif stood up and walked around the cell briefly, then turned
back to Ben.
" Why? What can I say, jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, I
don't know. All I do know is I felt cheated out of a decent life
and I felt Adam was responsible. I felt he didn't know or care
about what his actions did and what it was like for me, how could
he? He had his family, his home, everything he started with and
more. I was left with nothing and all because he couldn't keep
his mouth shut, he couldn't just look the other way."
Clif was practically shouting, walking back and forth, waving
his arms with emphasis as he spoke. Ben let him vent, he had the
feeling it was the first time Clif had expressed any of these
feelings out loud.
" Do you have any idea how many times I thought about him?
Everytime I was without a roof over my head, everytime I went
without eating and had no way of supporting myself. Everytime I
thought about my family, missed my family, and wanted nothing
more than to go home, but couldn't. Everytime I remembered the
look on my father's face the day I left. That is something I
shall never forget. The more I thought about him the more it ate
away at me, and then to find him here just as smug as ever. I
wanted him to say he was sorry, to see and feel what he'd taken
from me. He didn't seem to even care so I decided I was going to
make him sorry, to somehow give him a taste of what my loss had
been, to take something away from him. I wanted to see him hurt
a little, maybe a lot. I wanted him to pay for what I felt he'd
done to me"
Clif stopped and looked at Ben and wearliy sat down. He went
on quietly now, " I was wrong and I know that now, even though
it's too late. Adam tried to tell me that and I just saw it as
antagonism. I laid out my own path and caused my own misery. I
had no right to hold him responsible, I wish I'd realized the
truth sooner. I wish I could just tell him how sorry I am"
" You can " Ben said meeting Clif's startled look.
" What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously
Ben now stood before him and watched the fear return to his
face.
" Young man I think that perhaps your biggest mistake was
assuming that you knew Adam and how he felt about it. If you had
talked to him, reasonably, you would have found you are quite
wrong. Adam is very familiar with the pain of loss, it is very
much that pain that makes him the way he is. The Ponderosa
wasn't simply handed to us either, we worked and sweated over it,
Adam by my side, doing the work of a man, working with his back
and his hands, when he was no more than a boy. He never
complained and never quit, he always took what life handed him
and dealt with it, he never got the chance to be a child"
Ben paused, stung by his own words. Adam's childhood had
indeed ended somewhere around the age of six, and he'd never
looked back.
" I know my son walks around like a man without feeling but
it isn't who he is, it's an image nothing more. The fact that he
doesn't show his feelings doesn't mean he doesn't have them. "
Clif was listening feeling sick to his stomach as Ben went
on.
" I buried three wives and it was Adam who was beside me each
time. And he had loved them just as I did, and it was his loss as
much as mine. There are few people that he has allowed himself to
love, and even then he does it with a sense of fear because he's
all too aware of how easily he could lose someone. Two of those
people are his brothers, both of whom he helped me raise. I
can't even begin to tell you what he must've felt when he thought
you'd killed Little Joe"
Clif groaned, " I know I'm sorry, I just thought..."
Ben sat down to face him, and contiued softly.
" The other person that he loves, I hope, is me. Because of
that he would go along with any decision I made regardless of
whether or not he agreed with me"
Clif looked up now curious, " What does that mean"
Ben stood again and walked around the cramped cell as Clif
had done. " If you are sorry as you say you are, then there is
something you can do"
Clif was watching him, waiting, not sure he wanted to know
what he was getting at.
" First, when Adam is up and around again, I think you should
talk to him, apoligize to him, and tell him what you've told me"
" He wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't even want to talk to
me now"
" Young man I think I know my boy better than you do"
Clif nodded and stared at the floor of his cell.
" Secondly I will give you the funds you need to return to
Boston. I intend to speak to Mr. Kelly to make sure your job is
waiting when you return. In the meantime you will prepare to go
home to see your family. I expect you will have to write to them
first to let them know you're coming"
" I can't " Clif whispered.
Ben suddenly kneeled in front of him.
" Son you have been searching for answers for a long time.
Unfortunately you've been asking in the wrong places. You have
to go home and face your family, tell them how you feel, let them
know what it's been like for you. You are never going to find
peace with yourself or anyone else until you do"
Clif looked up into Ben's face searchingly. He had called him
son, even after what he'd done, he was here before him offering
him compassion and forgiveness. So this was the man everyone
respected so much, himself included now. He was even more
devastated about what he'd done and it showed on his face. But
he knew Ben was right, he'd known for sometime that he would have
to go home and face them or he would never find happiness
anywhere.
" What am I going to say to them?"
" Just tell them what's in your heart" Ben said poking him
lightly in the chest. He watched as Clif dropped his head again,
he felt a pang in his chest for the boy.
" I'm not only asking you to do this for yourself, but for
Adam as well"
Clif didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say. He
looked up as Ben stood to his full height.
" I'd like your promise on this son" he said sternly.
Clif hesitated for just a moment then stood and firmly took
Ben's hand and shook.
" You have my word Sir. Thank you Mr. Cartwright for
everything"
To his great relief Ben smiled and slapped him on the arm.
" Good, you get started on that letter to your family then,
and I will have a talk with Roy about getting you out of here.
Then I want to get back to my son. I'll see you in a couple
days"
Ben turned to leave, as he opened the cell door Clif called,
" Mr. Cartwright, I am truly sorry for what happened"
Ben smiled at him and with no anger in his voice said,
" I know son" and he turned and walked out. Clif sat and
listened to the fading footsteps. He thought of how lucky Adam
was and was more thankful then ever that he had not taken Adam's
life.
****************************
CHAPTER 11
Nearly a week after the accident, Adam was preparing to leave
the room he had come to hate. Doc Martin was supposed to check
him out today and then hopefully tell Ben he could go home. He
was still very weak, a simple action like lifting his arms to
shave made him nearly pass out. The process of getting his
strength back was too slow and frustrating, he wanted to just
feel like himself again. He was weak as a kitten and it
embarassed him to have to still rely on Tina and his father for
help occasionally. But he was determined that he was going to
get home today no matter what the doctor said.
He was packing the few belongings in the room even though Ben
had told him to wait. He did have to stop and rest often as the
room would start to spin if he moved too fast. It happened again
when he reached to pick up a shirt he'd dropped. He sat in the
chair and waited for the nausea to pass. When his head cleared
he saw a shadow on the wall and turned toward the door, ready to
defend himself to his father. He wasn't prepared for the man
that stood before him.
" Hi Adam, how ya feeling?"
Adam looked like he'd seen a ghost, it was Clif Donovan.
" Adam I know I shouldn't be here, I just wanted to tell you
I'm sorry. I had no intention of hurting you that day"
" Physically or emotionally " Adam said bitterly.
" Look Adam, I was wrong and I know that now, I'm sorry"
Adam was staring at him, remembering.
" Do you know what I'd do to you right now if you'd killed my
brother?"
Clif shuddered, he knew without looking at him, he knew.
" I know Adam, I wouldn't be here now if I had"
Adam leaned back in the chair feeling the room start to
waver.
" Why are you here Clif?"
" Aside from a promise I made, I don't know"
A thought suddenly occured to Adam and he asked,
" Why didn't you run when you had the chance? You could've
just left me there and no one would've known"
Clif sat on the bed taking off his hat
" Adam I told you before I didn't want to kill you. I was
drunk and I was looking for a way to hurt you like I felt I'd
been hurt. The day I met your brother, I knew that was the only
way to hurt you. That your family was your only weak spot and I
took advantage of that. I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry, I
don't know how to make you believe that"
They both stayed silent for awhile, neither of them sure what
to say next. Adam was sure it must've been difficult for Clif to
face him and he respected him for it.
" Well Clif, you did save my life, so I guess I have no
choice but to forgive you"
Clif looked at him, he was wearing that half smile that he
used to think was smugness. Ben had been right about him.
" Thanks Adam, I appreciate that. I hope someday we can be
friends again"
" I don't see why not, you're not going anywhere are you?"
Clif smiled, his heart felt lighter all of a sudden. He
wished for the hundreath time that they could have had this talk
before.
" Well actually Adam, I am going somewhere for just a couple
weeks. I got a letter today, from my mother, she wants me to
come home so we can talk. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning."
" Really, you're going home? That's great Clif, it's
something you need to do, it'll make the rest of your life better
I'm sure" Adam said and Clif knew that he was sincere.
" Anyway I will be back, Mr. Kelly has a permanent job here
for me and I intend to start my own spread eventually. And on
top of all that I have a special girl in mind that I don't want
to venture too far from"
" Oh " Adam said raising an eyebrow " Anyone I know?"
" Maybe" Clif said, a little embarassed now " When I come
back I may just ask her to marry me and settle down and have my
own family. That is unless someone in the territory objects"
Adam smiled geniuinely happy and said, " You gonna need a
best man? "
" Well we'll see when I get back. You think you'll have some
color back in your face by then, you look real peaked?"
" Well you just wait and see when you get back"
They were both back in a mode they'd shared in school and it
felt good to both of them.
" Anyway I'm glad to see you up and around. I mean that Adam"
" Thanks Clif. Listen you make sure you come out and see me
when you get back. You can tell me all about your trip and
everything."
" You got a deal Adam " Clif said and shook his hand, then
turned to leave. He was halfway out the door when Adam called
him back.
" Hey Clif, one more thing"
Clif leaned back in the door " Yeah what's that?"
" You owe my little brother a jacket "
" Tell you what Adam, get him the best one you can find and
send me the bill. I'll see you in a couple weeks, you take care"
Adam watched him go and was sincerely happy for him. He felt
better once the anger left him. He was glad Clif was getting
this chance to reunite with his family, but was sad for him at
the same time because he had never gotten the chance to work
things out with his father. With that thought Adam got up and
resumed his packing.
He paused when he found some of the books Joe had brought from
his room, deciding that he would read to Adam to pass the time.
He had proudly announced one day " Okay what's your pleasure, we
got Taming of the Shrew, or poetry by Francis Villon"
Adam laughed out loud when he remembered how Joe had
butchered the French Poet's name. He was still smiling when Ben
came in the room unnoticed.
" Well what are you doing out of bed?" he boomed
Adam jumped and then stuffed the books in a bag, and sat down
on the bed.
" I was just looking for something to read Pa"
Ben sat himself in the chair and watched Adam pretend to
read.
" Has Paul been in yet with the verdict?" Ben asked
" No and I wish he'd hurry up, I want to get out of here."
Ben smiled at that, he was clearly ready to go home
" I'm surprised at you son, here you have people waiting on
you hand and foot and you want to leave?"
" More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I miss my
brothers can you believe that?"
" Yeah well guess what, they miss you too. But Paul said he
wouldn't be back until after lunch so you still have to wait a
little longer"
Ben stood by the bed and propped some pillows up behind
Adam's head, gently pushing him back against them.
" Why didn't you tell me that before?"
Ben looked at his pale face, wishing he would get some color
back. It made him look so sickly and was too much of a reminder
of what they'd come through. But his eyes were brighter than ever
and that made him feel better.
" Look a couple more hours is nothing, by tonight you'll be
sitting at the table eating dinner at home. Now how does that
sound?"
Adam looked like he was sulking and it was almost comical to
see. He nodded but said nothing, he could wait as long as he was
definately going home
" Even if he says I'm not ready I'm going, so just remember
that"
" I'll promise him we will lock you in your room until he
says it's safe to let you out okay?"
Adam smiled and leaned back willingly, he watched his father
walk around the room, picking up things to pack.
" Hey guess who came to visit me this morning?"
Ben stood up straight to look at him " I don't know who?"
" My assailant came to see me, to apoligize" Adam announced
putting his hands behind his head, feeling the familiar
quesiness.
" Oh he did did he? Well what happened, did you accept it"
" Yes I did, but you knew I would didn't you?"
Adam said enjoying the look of surprise on his father's face.
Ben smiled and returned to his side.
" Yes I did, I know you that well. Even though you like to
think you have everyone fooled with that stoic attitude. I for
one know what's in that heart of yours"
Adam smiled but it quickly faded when he noticed how tired
and worn out his father looked. He seemed to be years older, the
days of constant worry and no sleep had clearly taken their toll
on him. He was ashamed that he had not noticed before how much
his injury had affected his father. He remembered Ben asking him
about having seen his mother and stepmothers and saying he wanted
to go with them. He remembered none of that but could tell by
Ben's voice that it must've been very painful for him to hear.
There was so much he wanted to say to his father, so much he had
promised himself he would say to him if he got well. He felt a
sudden need to tell him now what he was feeling or he might never
tell him.
" Pa, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for putting you
through all that" Adam said quietly
Ben was leafing through the book Adam had put down and
without looking up said, " It goes with the territory son"
He always says that Adam thought with frustration. But it was
more than that, much more. To know how much his father was
willing to sacrifice for him, it was more than simple obligation.
" Pa all the time that I was laying there, I kept thinking
that there was something I had to tell you. And I was afraid
that I was going to die before I got the chance. But it was real
important that you knew"
Ben was watching as he struggled for the right words, this
was not easy for him. He stayed quiet letting Adam sort out what
he wanted to say"
Adam was biting his lip, he knew exactly what he wanted to
say but didn't know how to say it. It made him feel foolish that
he couldn't simply express what he wanted to his father. Just
speak plain he kept saying to himself, but nothing would come.
He had sworn he would do this if he recovered, it was now or
never, he had to do it.
" Pa what I wanted you to know is ............. I love you"
There he said it and allowed himself to breath again. He knew
he should look at his father but he couldn't. He felt Ben put a
hand on his shoulder.
" I know son, I've never doubted it" Ben said softly.
Adam nodded, he knew Ben was aware of how he felt but it
still didn't seem fair that he'd never been able to tell him.
Somehow he had to justify that.
" I remember when you brought Marie home, I kind've gave her
a hard time"
" Kind've? " Ben said but he was smiling when he said it.
" Okay I really gave her a hard time. But it wasn't because
I didn't care. It was just losing Inger was so hard and I didn't
want to ever get that close to anyone again. And then when she
died it just reconfirmed what I'd already convinced myself of,
loving someone isn't safe. So I promised myself I'd never get
that close to anyone again, that's kind've tough when you already
have people in your life that your close to. I did love Marie
but I never told her, I never got the chance. I will never
forgive myself for that, she never knew"
Ben squeezed his shoulder gently, " She knew son "
" Well anyway, it was scary laying in that bed thinking that
the same thing was going to happen again. I didn't want to die
having never ....."
Ben didn't let him finish, for the first time in years he
gave in to his impulse and pulled Adam into his arms. He was
alive and he was going to get well. That was enough of a reason
to be thankful, he didn't need anymore. To Ben's surprise Adam
let him. He seemed to relax in the solace of his father's arms
like he had as a boy, and he held on.
After a hurried lunch and the okay from Doc Martin, Ben and
Adam prepared to go home. Ben loaded the buckboard and made Adam
wait on the porch. Then turning to Adam he said
" Well young man, are you ready to go home?"
Without an answer Adam started to climb into the seat, Ben
grabbed his arm.
" Don't you think you might better ride in the back?"
" Pa come on don't mollycoddle me. I just want to get home"
Ben studied his son's pale face, he'd grown accustomed to
taking care of him. It was time to let go and give him back his
head.
" Okay son but if you start falling off the seat you let me
know so I can grab you"
" Deal" Adam nearly shouted and eagerly climbed up in the
seat. He breathed in deeply, glad to be free of the musty inside
air.
Ben picked up the reins and turned to Adam,
" You wannt drive too?" he asked holding out the reins.
" No thanks Pa, I'll just be the passenger this trip"
It was a long trip to the ranch and Adam was almost sorry a
few times that he hadn't sat in the back. More than once he had
to grip the seat until the dizziness passed. Ben was watching
him out of the corner of his eye.
" You want me to stop?" he said, trying not to sound worried.
Adam shook his head, but Ben stopped anyway.
" Adam listen to me, I know you're eager to get home. But I
want you to promise me that you'll take it slow. You cannot go
right back to doing what you did before. You have to give
yourself time, and you have plenty of it."
" Okay okay I will I promise, let's go"
This is not going to be easy, Ben thought. He was not
willingly going to be limited. He would just have to warn Hoss
and Joe to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn't overdue.
Soon they came around the corner of the barn and the house
came into view. Adam smiled broadly, he had the impulse to jump
out of the wagon and run into the house. He looked at his father
and decided to save it for another time. Hearing the wagon roll
up Hoss and Joe came out of the house shouting,
" Welcome home Adam"
Adam noticed the sign over the porch stating the same
sentiment. Ben pulled the wagon to a stop and Adam stood up, his
face was full of happiness and Ben watched him with a sense of
satisfaction. Suddenly to his horror Hoss grabbed Adam under the
arms and swung him around
" Home again, home again, jiggity jog" he shouted, while Joe
was trying to join in.
Ben opened his mouth to shout his protest, but then took
another look at the sheer delight on all their faces, and changed
his mind.
" Come on Pa, we got a celebration to take care of" Hoss
shouted at him.
" You fellas go on in, I'll be right there"
They turned to go inside, Adam supported by a brother on each
side of him. Ben felt his chest fill with love and pride for his
sons. That was where his real wealth was and he knew it. The
ranch house was simply that, a house. His boys were home, and he
was so very grateful he still had his eldest. He turned his eyes
to the heavens and whispered, " Thank you" and turned to join his
sons.
The End
**********************************

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