FOR THE LOVE OF A CHILD

By
Mary Stone

CHAPTER ONE

The Cartwright family stood among their hired men and looked on as the body of one of their men was placed in the back of a buckboard. A crew man discreetly covered the body with a blanket and solemnly returned to his work. The others followed as if given a silent signal.

Ben Cartwright owner of the ranch, and patriarch of the family, stood thinking grimly of the young man's wife. Death was a part of life here, but it was facet of life he never got used to.

"Someone has to let his wife know." he said bitterly.

His eldest son spoke up, "I'll go."

Ben turned to look at him, he was gazing at the body, his face tight with guilt.

"Adam this wasn't your fault."

Adam sucked in his breath and set his hat back on his head.

"Well regardless, he was working on my crew so that makes it my responsibility." he said and walked to his horse.

Ben motioned to his two younger sons to and go ahead and stood back as the buckboard rolled off and away.

Adam was watching it too as Ben came up along side his horse.

"Let Mrs. Worthington know she's welcome to stay in the cabin for as long as she needs, and please let her know how sorry we all are."

Adam nodded as he pulled his cinch tight, released the stirrup from the horn and dropped it down. He slipped the reins free of the rail and mounted up, without looking at his father he turned his horse down the muddy trail.

The ride to the cabin was brief and Adam tried to prepare himself for the unpleasant encounter that lay ahead of him, even though he knew there was no real way to do that.

He found himself standing at the door and hesitated with his hand in the air. Taking a deep breath he knocked and waited. Within minutes the door cracked open and a gun barrel poked out at him.

"What d'ya want?" a female voice asked.

Adam swept his hat off. "Ma'am I'm Adam Cartwright, I need to talk to you."

"My husband ain't here." she said suspiciously.

"Yes Ma'am I know-I-I-I came to tell you your husband had an accident."

The gun barrel dropped and the door opened wider, a slight raven haired woman emerged a little, her face was white.

"Is he dead?" she whispered.

Adam fumbled for an answer, caught off guard by her appearance and wanting desperately to take back his words.

"I'm sorry...Mrs. Worthington, yes he is, he was floating timbers down...."

"NO! Please don't tell me what happened, just go now."

She seemed to suddenly sink and Adam rushed forward to help her to the rocking chair that sat back in the shade, but she held her ground.

"Ma'am if there's anything..."

"I will remove myself from the premises by the weeks end, I will not remain here now."

"No, Mrs. Worthington, that isn't necessary. My father asked me to tell you, you're welcome to stay on for as long as you need."

He saw her blue eyes moisten as she clutched her stomach.

"I don't need charity. I'll be moving on, as I said."

Adam pursed his lips, "Ma'am please, at least stay here until after the baby comes. You're in no condition to travel."

She flashed him an angry look. "Who are you to tell me what to do?"

"It's a suggestion, Ma'am, nothing more. I thought for the baby's sake it would be best to wait."

Adam saw her wince and then reach back for the chair, he again took her arm and helped her sit down.

"Do you want me to get the doctor?" he asked anxiously.

She bit her lip hard, and shook her head. "No I'm fine, it's too early for that."

Adam looked around nervously, she didn't look well and he was sure with his news she shouldn't be left alone.

"Perhaps, I will wait until the baby comes, but you can assure your father I'll be out of his hair right after. Now, Mr. Cartwright, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to be alone now."

The look on her face left no room for argument. He bent to retrieve his hat, straightened and studied her ashen face.

"Ma'am if there's anything you need, anything we can do for you, please let us know."

She made no response and after a pause, Adam tipped his hat and went to his horse. He rode off at quick trot then broke into a canter on the main road heading to town.

It was well after dark when he rode back home. When he walked through the door he found his father standing by the fireplace.

He turned expectantly at the sound of the door.

"Adam, I was worried about you. What happened, is Mrs. Worthington alright?"

Adam removed his hat and gunbelt and joined his father before the fireplace. He sat down on the hearth and felt the heat warm his back.

"Pa did you ever meet Pete's wife?"

"No, I never got the chance. Why?"

"Did you know she's gonna have a baby? And very soon I would say."

Ben's mouth opened and he sat down on the coffee table.

"My God, I had no idea. Pete never said a word about it, I wonder why?"

Adam picked at the slivers of wood on the floor and tossed them into the fire. "I don't know but he didn't talk much about anything, he seemed almost secretive."

Ben shook his head. "The poor girl, is she alright, did you tell her?"

"Well, of course I told her, but I also made a trip to town, that's why I was so late. I asked Mrs. Shaunnessey if she would check on her periodically and also left a note for Dr. Martin."

"Good I hate to think of her being alone out there at a time like this, especially now that..."

He didn't finish, he didn't need to. Adam looked up at him. "I'd like to go over there when the men get paid at the end of the month. Actually, I'd like to keep an eye on her myself."

"Yes, that's a good idea son, I hope she has family she can contact. She'll need help when the little one comes."

"Well, whether she does or not, I assured her that we would be there if she needed us."

Ben nodded his silent consent, there wasn't much more that could be said.

CHAPTER TWO

Several weeks passed before Adam got the chance to visit the Worthington place. There was no answer at the door so Adam decided to check the small barn. When he neared the barn he saw her on her knees in the garden picking vegetables.

He had a sense of self consciousness and jumped when she turned around.

"What are you doing sneaking around here like that?"

"I wasn't, I assure you. I just wanted to see how you were getting along that's all."

"Well, why didn't you just ask your Mrs. Shaunnessey?"

"Well, I just thought you could use her help Ma'am."

She abruptly turned her back and resumed her picking.

"Excuse me, but should you be doing that?" Adam asked and moved forward wanting to help somehow but unsure if he should.

She answered without breaking from her chore. "Mr. Cartwright, I'm with child, I'm not crippled, and my name is Sara."

Adam smiled and was thankful she wasn't looking at him. When she turned he quickly lost the smile.

"Was there anything else?" she asked, wiping her brow with the back of her hand.

"Adam."

"Pardon me?"

He smiled openly, "My name is Adam and yes I have some money for you that was due your husband."

She slowly got to her feet and reached for the envelope almost fearfully and took out the bills, counting them slowly. Adam saw relief sweep over her face. Her eyes rose to meet his and he noticed how blue they were.

"Thank you for this Mr. - I mean Adam, thank you, I do appreciate it."

Adam was still looking into her eyes, nearly brimming with tears, he didn't know what to say.

"Is there anything else you need.......Sara."

She looked down briefly. "Oh, no, thank you, Mrs. Shaunnessey takes good care of me and I do thank you for that, too."

Adam cleared his throat. "Well, I better get back to the ranch." he told her but he remained standing in front of her.

"Yes, I need to finish my picking too." Sara said and turned away from him.

Adam felt momentarily frozen but regained his composure and went back to his horse and got on. He was about to ride off when she called out to him.

"Adam, wait."

He rode his horse slowly to where she stood.

"I hate to even bother you with this but, well, there's a small leak in the roof and I wonder if you could take a look at it. If you have the time of course, I mean I'll pay you for your work."

Adam cut her off with a wave of his hand. "That's not necessary, if you don't mind waiting a couple days. I have to take care of some things here on the ranch for my father."

She paused to squint up at the sky. "Well, the weather's clear so I don't mind waiting."

Adam looked up too, it was clear blue, not a cloud in sight. "We aren't expecting any rain for awhile but if there's any surprises I'll come right over."

Sara smiled her thanks and then turned back to her work. Adam watched her walk away and felt his heart skip a beat. She was starting to trust him and maybe even like him a little. With a sense of accomplishment he turned his horse toward home.

CHAPTER THREE

"I don't know why you have to drag me along." Joe Cartwright complained as he rode doggedly behind his oldest brother.

"Use your head Joe, Pa's gone and Hoss is sick, who else was I gonna ask?" Adam reminded him.

"You could've taken one of the hands along, why didn't you ask Hop Sing?"

Adam pulled his horse up to look back at his brother, "Because Joe, I enjoy your company so very much."

"Very funny." Joe grumbled as he rode slowly by, once past Adam he cantered ahead, no longer wanting to be in his brother's company.

He was dismounting as Adam rode up and he made a face as he threw his reins over the rail. Adam came alongside him and they walked up the stairs. The two nearly collided with Mrs. Shaunnessey.

She looked them both over, "Well Sara said you'd be out to fix that roof. I'm taking her to town for supplies and to see Doctor Martin. You two will probably get more done without us underfoot."

"It'll do her good to get away from here for awhile." Adam replied.

Shaunnessey nodded and then glanced at Joe who was looking off toward the woods.

"Joseph Cartwright, don't you know enough to remove your hat in the presence of a lady?" she admonished him.

Color rushed to his cheeks as he hastily pulled his hat off.

"Yes, Ma'am."

At that moment Sara stepped onto the porch, she smiled at Joe and then Adam.

"Hello, Adam, it's nice to see you, Mrs. Shaunnessey is taking me to town."

"So I heard" Adam said, then seeing her looking at his brother, he reached out to put an arm around Joe's shoulder.

"This is my younger brother Joe, he's gonna help me out today."

Sara gave a slight nod, "How do you do Joe?" she said, then as an afterthought added, "It's nice to meet you."

Joe took her hand and looked into her eyes, something seemed familiar about her but he'd known so many girls over the years.

"We better get going, we'll see you later boys." Shaunnessey said and took Sara's arm and escorted her to the wagon.

Adam and Joe waved and then turned toward the cabin.

"Let's see if we can locate the source of the problem." Adam said, walking around inside and looking up toward the ceiling.

"She has pretty eyes." Joe said behind him.

Adam looked at him curiously. "Forget it Kid she's too old for you."

"Yeah how do you know?"

One corner of Adam's mouth turned up, "Besides that Joe, she's a package deal."

Joe frowned "She's a what?"

Adam kept up his inspection as he spoke, "She's having a baby soon, remember?"

"Oh that, so what I could be a father as well as a husband."

Adam gave a short laugh, "Ha! Don't you think you ought'a grow up yourself first?"

Joe fixed him with his meanest glare. "Aw, shut up!"

The women returned that afternoon and found the Cartwright brothers on the roof working quietly side by side. Shaunnessey and Sara smiled at each other as they climbed down from the buckboard.

"You ladies need help?" Adam called out.

"No thank you, Adam, we'll manage fine." Shaunnessey assured him as she handed a bag of flour to Sara and took the heavy crate herself and went inside.

Sara placed the flour on the table and walked to the parlor to sit down. From her seat she watched Shaunnessey move around the table putting things away as if it were her own home.

"I hope I'm not keeping you from your work at home." she said.

Shaunnessey bustled about the room, "Oh no dear, with my husband dead and the children grown and gone, I don't have much to worry about anymore. This is just the thing I need to keep busy, I think it's quite a blessing."

Sara pulled her feet up and frowned at the swollen ankles. She leaned back and closed her eyes listening to the pounding of the hammers overhead. Images of the men making the noise drifted before her. They hadn't changed much in all these years, she thought.

"Shaunnessey, how long have you known the Cartwright boys?" she asked, sleepily.

Shaunnessey entered the room with some hot tea for each of them. She placed a steaming cup before Sara and sat down.

"Oh, let me see, when Claude and I settled here the girls were three and four and as I recall Joseph was about the same age. So that's a good long time, about twenty years now. Lordy it doesn't seem possible."

Sara smiled as she opened her eyes and looked at Shaunnessey. She liked this woman, even though at first she'd thought her boastful and forceful. She'd been frightened of her, but now she envied the daughters that Shaunnessey spoke of so often.

"I never knew my mother, I was raised by my papa." Sara said finishing her thoughts out loud.

"What happened to him?"

Sara felt a sense of sadness come over her, "He died about four years ago."

"Don't you have no other kin, especially since you'll be needing some help when the baby comes."

Sara shook her head "No, no one, my brothers are gone too. I was sent to live with my Aunt Ida in San Francisco but I hated it there. Thankfully I met Peter and he took me away, he loved me. He asked me to marry him right off."

Shaunnessey was watching Sara's expressions as she spoke. "Was your husband related to the Sacramento Worthington’s?"

Sara looked up with alarm, but then covered up. "Yes, he was, Richard Worthington was Peter's father."

"Well won't they come when the baby's born? I would think they'd want to see their grandchild."

Sara seethed, "No they won't come, the disowned their son when he married me. They hated me and I will not allow them to hate my child."

Shaunnessey reached out for her hand. "Honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

Sara looked up hopefully. "Shaunnessey won't you be here for me when the baby comes? I have no one else and I'm so afraid, I don't know how to take care of a baby. Please say you'll help me, Shaunnessey."

Shaunnessey smiled empathetically. "I'll be here Sara and I'll help you." Shaunnessey promised her. As she spoke Shaunnessey was remembering something that had been nagging at the back of her mind all day. "Sara, tell me something, were your brothers named Connor?"

Sara inhaled sharply and her eyes grew round, quite suddenly she hung her head and nodded slowly.

Shaunnessey felt her heart break for this young girl. "Oh, Sara, I haven't changed my mind one bit about you, not at all. You are a sweet girl and you aren't responsible for what your brothers did."

Sara's head came up then, "There are people in this territory who think differently."

"Well that's their problem now isn't it." she said, "I will help you for as long as you need me. Honey, all you need do is ask."

Sara's answer was a warm hug which was returned enthusiastically. Silently Sara grieved just a little, so this is what a mother was like she thought sadly. When they separated Sara's eyes were moist with tears.

"Shaunnessey promise me you won't say nothing to anyone about me."

"I won't Sara but people may figure it out. You grew up here, someone might recognize you, like I did."

"Oh please, Shaunnesseym no one will, it's been years, promise me."

Shaunnessey nodded in agreement, but worried about the possibility of others knowing the truth.

"I make sure I don't venture far from home very often. You know Papa's place is mine now. Peter and I were going to save up some money and fix it up and then buy some livestock." She hesitated, "Well no matter, it's still mine and after the baby comes I aim to move there, no one will bother us out there."

"Well, Honey, it sounds like a good plan but I really don't think you need to hide out."

Sara shook her head, "I don't know Shaunnessey I just know I could not bear my child being ostracized like we were. I want this child to have peace."

"And he or she will Sara, we'll make sure of that. Now what do you say we get these boys a nice dinner?"

Sara beamed and got to her feet. "Let's create something that lures them down by smell alone."

CHAPTER FOUR

Adam became a frequent visitor to the Worthington farm and Sara began to look forward to his visits and to look for things for him to do to ensure that he would return. She found it curious that he never came alone , he always brought one of his brothers along with him. But that was fine with her as she enjoyed company of any kind.

She soon forgot about her worry that someone would recognize her and decided that perhaps she had changed so much that no on would. She was fifteen when she left after all and was sure with the name change her secret was secure.

When the Cartwright boys came she went out of her way to make them wonderful meals, especially for Hoss who was the most appreciative visitor she ever had. During their visits she found herself secretly missing her own family and often had to remind herself that soon she would have a new family, even without Peter.

When the baby was very near, Adam stopped with Hoss in tow on his way to town. Delighted to see them, she hurried to make fresh coffee as their footsteps climbed the stairs. She went to the door and casually invited them in.

"I just made some salt rising bread would you like some?"

Adam wanted to get on his way but Hoss pulled his hat off and smiled with pleasure. "Yes, Ma'am, I sure would!" he exclaimed, licking his lips with anticipation.

"Well, have a seat Hoss and I'll bring you some."

Adam shrugged and joined his brother at the table. He watched Sara add wood to the fire.

"Sara do you need firewood cut or anything while we're here?"

"Oh no, Adam, I'm fine for the time being, but I do need some supplies if you two are going into town."

"Well, we are as a matter of fact. That's why we stopped by."

"Well, if you could wait a minute, I'll make up a list of things I need."

"No, we don't mind, Hoss has to build up his strength anyway before we make that long trip into town, right brother Hoss?"

Hoss nodded his agreement not wanting to take the time for words. He wanted to savor every delicious bite while he could.

Nearly fifteen minutes later they prepared to leave. Hoss went to get the horses while Adam waited for the list. She brought it out to him and watched him read over it.

"Thank you, Adam, I appreciate you boys doing this for me. I would do it myself but I hate those trips to town. I mean with the baby coming so soon and all and besides people ...well never mind."

"Sara, you have as much right to be in that town as anybody else." Adam said, watching her intently.

Her eyes flew to his face. "What do you mean by that Adam?"

Adam smiled. "Oh, come on, Sara, I know who you are, we all do. Or at least who you were."

Sara continued to stare at him and he saw a look of shame come to her eyes. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"What would be the point? Look, Sara, your brothers made some poor choices but that has little, or nothing to do with you."

"Is that right? Well, tell your fine townsfolk that, after they hung my brothers they shunned me and my father, treated us like we were less than dirt. We couldn't hold our heads up anymore, or go into town without being run out, it drove my father to an early grave. I have no intention of giving them the satisfaction of knowing who I am."

"Sara, people change. I'm sure they would do what they could for you and the baby." Adam said, concerned that he had made her so angry.

"Well, let me tell you something, Adam Cartwright. I don't want anything from them, or you for that matter."

"Sara please I just meant...." Adam tried but her humiliation was too great and she slammed the door in his face.

CHAPTER FIVE

Adam let some time go by before he attempted to see Sara and even then he decided it would be best to simply drop some supplies off on her porch. He knew Shaunnessey was checking in with her periodically but he needed to see her for himself.

The cabin was quiet when he rode up and not seeing her about he dismounted and scanned the yard. Deciding that she was probably resting he grabbed the small sack of food and took it up to the porch. He put it near the door and was about to leave when he heard a sound behind the door. He stepped up to it and pressed his ear close. It sounded like someone crying but he couldn't be sure so tentatively he opened the door a bit.

He was sure he heard something and pushed the door the rest of the way open and found Sara in the parlor clutching her stomach and bracing herself on a chair. Her face was flushed and contorted with pain.

"Sara what is it?" Adam asked as he rushed to her side.

"Oh, Adam, thank God. Help me to my bed Adam quickly."

Adam took her arm walked her to the bed. She slowly lay down against the pillows but continued to cling to his hand. She was sweating profusely and breathing in short little gasps. Adam felt panicked, unsure what to do.

"Adam it's time, the baby's coming now, you have to help me."

Adam abruptly straightened. "I'll go get the Doc and Shaunnessey." he told her.

Sara squeezed his hand and tried to rise a little "No Adam there's no time, it's happening now, I need you here with me. Please, Adam, I don't know if I can do this, I'm afraid."

Adam could relate to that, for he was sure he was as frightened as she was. But he knew he couldn't let her see his fear, that she needed him to take charge and help her.

When Shaunnessey arrived that afternoon, she found Sara sleeping and a somewhat bewildered Adam holding a tiny bundle in his arms. She was so stunned she dropped the packages and hurried toward them.

"She had the baby! Dear God, she had the baby!" She spoke in a whisper. Adam smiled up at her as she pulled the little blanket back and peeked at the tiny face.

"It's a little boy Shaunnessey." Adam said softly. "She was all alone with no one to help so it was up to me and I did it. I don't think I was ever so scared in my life."

"Oh, Adam, he's beautiful, absolutely beautiful." she cooed. Her eyes went to Sara, "Is she alright?"

"I think so. She had a terrible time but as soon as she saw him she was as happy as a lark. She didn't want to let him go, it took some doing to get her to give him up so she could rest."

"I think Doctor Martin should see them both, do you mind staying with her awhile longer?"

Adam shook his head, he wouldn't admit that he was quite content just where he was. After Shaunnessey left he looked down at the tiny baby and sighed happily. He stroked the baby's cheek, fascinated by the softness.

It was not his first time holding an infant but the incredible feelings that consumed him were like nothing he'd ever known before. He could not take his eyes off the baby, it was as if he had dreamed the whole thing.

Sara opened her eyes and watched Adam for a moment. "Isn't he wonderful Adam?"

Adam did not lift his eyes, "Yes, he is, I don't think I've ever seen anything so perfect."

"I'm going to name him William, after my father. Peter and I had discussed it and he agreed."

Adam nodded, somehow he'd forgotten about the baby's father, a father he would never know and he suddenly felt sad.

"That sounds like a fine name Sara."

Sara reached out to touch the baby's face with her fingertips.

She could see a resemblance to Peter.

"Well, William Worthington, it's just you and me, but we'll be fine, we will never be alone now."

Sara held her arms out and Adam reluctantly handed the baby to her. The baby stared up at his mother with big round eyes, his tiny mouth opened and he made little baby sounds. It seemed to Adam that he would speak at any minute. He watched the tiny fists clench and unclench and was unaware of time passing as mother and son fell into peaceful slumber. Light began to fade in the small cabin and still Adam watched.

It was after two in the morning when Adam walked in the front door of his house. He moved about silently, when on his way up the stairs he saw his father asleep in his favorite chair. He approached him quietly, then gripped his shoulder and gave it a light shake.

Ben startled awake and gazed blearily at his son.

"Adam where were you? What time is it?"

Adam seated himself on the coffee table. "It's around two I think, but Pa, the most incredible thing happened to me tonight."

"Are you alright?" Ben asked, sitting up straighter and trying to clear the sleep from his mind.

"Oh, I'm fine Pa, it's nothing like that at all. No, Pa, it's Sara. Sara had her baby today Pa with only me there to help her. It was amazing Pa, I was the first person he ever saw, he looked right at me, like he knew exactly who I was. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw in my life, I swear I will never feel anything like this again."

Ben studied Adam's face, he looked dazed but exhilarated. "Is Sara alright?"

Adam got to his feet. "Oh Sara's great and very happy too. Doctor Martin and Shaunnessey got there a little after seven and Shaunnessey stayed with her. The Doc said they were both fine, he asked me if I'd consider being his apprentice." he said and grinned sheepishly at his father. "Anyway, I'm sorry I worried you it's just that I couldn't seem to tear myself away from them."

Ben stood and put an arm around his shoulder. "Well, I guess you've had quite a night son but I think you better get some sleep while you have the chance."

Adam raised his arms above his head. "I don't even feel tired Pa, I feel like I could run the entire boundary of the ranch right now."

Ben nodded. "Well, that may be, but I guarantee you by this time tomorrow you'll feel differently if you don't get some proper rest." he said and gave him a light shove towards the stairs.

He watched Adam climb the stairs and tried to recall a time when he'd seen him so completely happy. Even after several minutes of reflection, none came to mind.

CHAPTER SIX

There was much to do on the ranch but Adam could not keep himself away from Sara and the baby. From the moment the baby had looked up at him, a powerful bond had formed for Adam. Sara was aware that Adam had fallen in love with the baby and couldn't be happier. She had found herself watching him when he was there and thinking of him when he wasn't. He had been so much older when she was a child that she hadn't paid much attention to him but now she took note of everything he did.

He seemed so rough on the outside but watching him with her son proved it was just his exterior and that she was lucky enough to be seeing a side of him most didn't. She liked to listen to him talk about his family and noticed how the baby too, seemed to respond to his voice. Whenever he was there he would take the baby to the rocking chair and sing him lullabies, some that Sara had never heard before. She noticed how his voice would seem to fill the cabin with it's rich sound. One particular day he caught her watching him and he gave her a reserved smile.

"That was one of Little Joe's favorites...... that was a long time ago."

"You used to sing to him like that?" Sara asked pleasantly.

"Well sometimes he was fussy, you know, and Marie couldn't

get him to settle down and so I would sing to him, he used to like it."

"Well, Billy does too." Sara told him for Billy was gazing up at him as if to say, what happened to my song?

Adam was looking at the child again, he never seemed to tire of it. Sara was thinking how nice it would be if they could always be like this, the three of them. It was such a pleasant warm thought that she began to daydream about having him come home to them everyday. If it could only be, she thought, then I could feel whole again.

But how did Adam feel she wondered? He never said anything to indicate his feelings. But he came often to check on her welfare and stayed until after dark. It must be because he enjoyed their company and that was her proof that he did care.

"Adam I have a favor to ask of you..." she said, watching his reaction.

"Sure Sara what is it?" he asked without any hesitation.

"Well it's Papa's farm, my farm now. I want to move out there with Billy and well- I wondered if you would look it over for me and see if it's livable, if there are any repairs that need to be done. I know it's a lot to ask but I wonder if you could take care of whatever might need to be done too. I would pay you of course you needn't worry about that."

She wasn't sure if he'd been listening, his eyes were on the baby who was stretching a tiny hand towards his face.

"Oh, Sara, don't be silly you don't have to pay me anything. We're your friends, and friends help each other out. Isn't that right baby Billy?" he said nibbling the baby's fingers.

"I would appreciate it Adam as I'd like to get settled in before winter."

"Don't worry Sara I'll take care of it" he assured her, looking at her now "It's awful late I better get back to work before they come looking for me."

Sara felt the weight of disappointment, how she hated to see him go. He stood up, kissed the baby and handed him to her, then stretched his arms. "Boy, I could use a nap myself these days" he said with a smile. "I'll check on your place tomorrow and let you know what I found out as soon as I can get back this way alright?"

Sara could only manage a nod and a smile, she didn't want to look up at him.

He strode toward the door and retrieved his hat from the rack.

"I'll see you soon." he said and he left.

Sara watched the door close behind him and listened to his retreating footsteps. Why was it that she suddenly felt close to tears? Why did the cabin all at once seem empty and lonely?

With a sigh she propped Billy on her knees and smiled down at him. "Well, Billy, how would you like Adam Cartwright for a daddy? I think he would be perfect and how the rest of his family would spoil you too, just imagine how wonderful it would be Billy, we'd be so happy."

She looked toward the door again, if only she thought. She peered back at her son and found him gazing up at her with his dark eyes.

"Oh, Billy, I want the world for you, Darling. And all that your father's family has refused you would be nothing compared to what the Cartwrights could give you and I."

Billy's answer was a whimper and frantic kicking.

"Hungry again, huh? Well, let's see about that appetite of yours."

Her dark mood lifted a bit and she took him up in her arms with love. Later, when he was fed and sleeping, she stood for a long time at her window, wondering when Adam would ride into their lives again.

CHAPTER SEVEN

True to his word, Adam went out to the Connor homestead to examine the premises. He'd had to make a detour while checking holding pens for the cattle that would be gathered in the fall and was hoping to get back before anyone found him missing.

As soon as he rode into the yard he could see the place had run down considerably and repairing things would be no small task. He walked up and opened the front door which flopped off it's hinges. He set it aside and walked inside to have a look around. As he glanced across the room he remembered how some of the townsfolk had come out to burn the place after Sara's father died.

Ben and some others talked them out of it and it had been vacant since. It was a pleasant little house though underneath all the musty air and dust but he knew he would need help to get things in order before winter. He moved to the room on the other side of the fireplace and knew instantly that it had been Sara's room. He felt self conscious as he moved about the room, still somehow neat and feminine. There were books and dolls on the shelves and a few dresses hanging near the bed. A chest sat at the foot of the bed covered with a thick layer of dust. As he looked around Adam thought this would be a good room for her and the baby since it had the fireplace which would be needed in the cold winter months ahead.

With a sigh he left the room and walked into the next room. It was quite a contrast to Sara's room with clothes and bedclothes strewn about making the three beds barely visible. Perhaps this would be Billy's room when he was older Adam thought.

He took one last look around the parlor and then ventured outside to have a gander at the barn. He walked out onto the porch to find his two brothers casually lounging on the porch as if they'd been there for hours.

"Did you get lost on your way to the pens older brother?" Joe quipped.

"You know, Joe, they do say the sense of direction gets a little confused with age." Hoss added jovially.

"Ha, ha very funny, what are you two doing out here?"

Joe rose from the chair he had leaned against the wall and walked over to join Hoss against the railing.

"Well, we came looking for you, we got a little concerned when we saw you riding off in the wrong direction this morning. Now don't tell me your looking to set up housekeeping out here?"

"I bet he's gone and got hisself hitched when we wasn't looking Little Joe."

Adam chose to ignore them and with a smirk walked toward the barn. His brothers fell in behind enjoying the chance to taunt him a little.

They made a point of copying him as he made a thorough inspection of the barn, inside and out. He took his time and when he finished he walked to the middle of the yard and let his eyes sweep the house again.

"I hope you have some extra room." Joe commented innocently.

"For what?" Adam asked eyeing him.

"Well, for me and Hoss when we come to visit you of course."

Hoss laughed heartily and slapped Adam on the back. "Look here, Adam, we know you're gonna be fixing this place up for Sara. If you need our help, you got it"

"Thanks Hoss, I sure do. Sara wants to move back here before winter and it's gonna take some doing so I can use all the help I can get."

"Well, like I said, you ain't gotta ask me twice."

Adam smiled his appreciation and then turned to his youngest brother. "Well, what about you kid?"

"Sure, I'll help. Sara was always nice to me and helped me out in school so I owe her that."

"Yeah, she was your protector or something wasn't she?"

Joe made at face at his brother but his eyes were smiling.

"I need one other favor fellas." Adam added, but Hoss held a hand up.

"Adam you sure ain't gotta tell us about keeping things from Pa, Little Joe here is an expert at that."

"Well, then Joe it looks like I'm gonna need your expertise for awhile, what d'ya say?"

"Well, you're gonna have to show your gratitude somehow."

With a laugh Adam flung an arm over his shoulder "I will Joe, I'll treat you just like I always have."

And together the brothers walked to their horses to head back to work.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Adam had been at work on the Connor place for nearly a month when Sara came out to check on his progress. It was a bright Saturday morning that the buckboard rolled into the yard. Adam came outside and leaned on the railing as she pulled the horses up.

"Well, hello Sara, what brings you out here today?"

"Oh, Adam, I couldn't wait anymore I had to see the place for myself."

"Where's Billy?" Adam asked as he came up to the side of the wagon.

Sara pointed underneath the seat and put a finger to her lips.

"Do you think it's safe to have him riding in this thing?"

"Adam really, I made sure I secured the basket, the seat offers shade, and he seems to sleep right through the bumps."

Adam said no more as he untied the basket and lifted it from the wagon with care. He reached a hand up to Sara as she climbed down.

"When were you here last?" Adam asked her as they walked up to the house together.

"Right after Papa died, it's been a long time. How long before Billy and I can move in?"

"Well, at this point it's a matter of cleaning and repainting but it's looking real good, let me show you what we've done."

He held the door open for her and proudly showed her new floorboards, walls in which holes had been patched up, and newly painted walls in the parlor. He walked her to the bedroom opposite the fireplace and slowly opened the door.

Hoss was in the room securing a new window.

"We still have some cleaning up to do in here..."

"Howdy Miss Sara." Hoss greeted her, straightening up.

Sara's eyes went immediately to all her old things now stacked in the corner. She walked toward them and retrieved a doll.

Hoss now stood next to his brother and was peering down at the sleeping baby. He smiled at Adam and took the basket from him. No one spoke as Sara glanced around the room and then looked back at the Cartwright brothers.

"If you don't mind I'd like to help you finish what's left to be done."

"I think that's a good idea, I'm sure you'll want to decide what should be salvaged in this stuff."

"Could you two give me some time to look around, alone?"

Adam was puzzled at the tears that sprang to her eyes. "Sure Sara, take your time, we'll keep Billy with us."

Sara nodded, Adam and Hoss left the room and walked out on the porch. They sat down and layed the basket between them at the top of the steps.

The baby was awake now and kicking his feet with vigor. Hoss reached a finger in for the baby to play with but despite his efforts Billy began to cry. Hoss reached in to lift him from the basket and held him to his shoulder.

Adam turned sharply, "Hoss you be careful with him!"

Hoss frowned at his older brother "Adam you know this ain't the first little critter I've handled."

"Well for your information he's a baby and you haven't held one for a long time."

Hoss held the baby in the crook of his arm and gazed down at him "Yeah, that's for sure. Hey, Adam, you remember Little Joe being this little? It sure don't seem possible."

Adam looked at Billy but his mind was on Sara and he turned back toward the house. He listened for any sound from her but that was made impossible by Hoss, who had decided to sing to the boy, "Where have you been Billy boy," he sang enthusiastically.

"Hoss stop that racket you're gonna scare him" Adam chided.

Hoss only saw the baby's smile and that was all the encouragement he needed and he continued on.

Sara soon emerged from the house and the brothers got to their feet. Adam tried to read her expression but her face was passive.

"Adam you and Hoss have done more than enough for us. I'm sure I could do the rest on my own and if you could just tell me what I owe you."

"Sara don't be silly there's still so much more to be done and my brothers and I want to help out, we're your friends. Don't you know that by now?"

Sara smiled, her cheeks colored, she was not used to this.

"That's right Sara, me and Adam enjoy helping out don't you fret none about that, we like you and Billy here."

"Thank you Hoss, and you too Adam. I don't know how I'll ever repay you all."

"That reminds me Sara, you'll be needing some new furniture. Little Joe has been building you some and we'll be bringing it out tomorrow."

"Oh Adam I couldn't possibly...."

"Never mind now we wouldn't have it any other way, now why don't you see if that old stove is working alright and make up a pot of coffee?"

"I'm gonna take young Billy inside" Hoss said and left them alone.

"Adam I can't tell you what this means to me, to us."

Adam put an arm around her shoulder. "It's alright I understand."

Sara was elated, all she had hoped was coming true. "Adam I was in town with Shaunnessey and I heard the people talking about the Fourth of July picnic and I was wondering..."

"Would you like me to pick you and Billy up?"

Sara's eyes went to his face and with an embarrassed smile she looked down. "Thank you Adam."

"Come on let's go in before Hoss decides to sing again" he said, and with a hand on her back escorted her inside.

CHAPTER NINE

By the end of June, Sara and Billy were comfortably moved into their home. Although, the house was sparsely furnished, Sara was quite content.

The Cartwright brothers stopped by frequently to finish up odds and ends, whenever they got the chance. On one such afternoon Adam and Joe rode up in their buckboard and called Sara out.

"What is it?" Sara asked wiping her hands anxiously on her apron.

"Come see" Joe said walking to the side of the wagon. Sara looked to Adam who only wore a secretive smile as he walked beside her to the back of the wagon.

Joe threw a blanket back to reveal a crate, "Take a look!"

Sara peered over the side and saw a flurry of soft yellow, with tiny eyes and little peeps.

"It's a batch of our chicks and their mama." Joe announced proudly.

"We also got supplies here to build a proper coop for them." Adam explained as he moved the blanket back further to expose tools and lumber. "In no time at all you'll have fresh eggs every day."

Sara was speechless, they'd done so much for her already.

"You will of course make us something special with those eggs on occasion." Adam added.

Having no words Sara hugged them both and whispered, "You are wonderful I love them."

"Wait'll you see the calves we're gonna be bringing over."

Adam gave Joe a look he didn't see.

"Adam you didn't..." she said, helplessly.

"Oh Sara what's the harm, the Ponderosa is over run with calves at the moment and later on you'll have fresh milk too."

"To go with the fresh eggs" Joe added brightly, this time he caught Adam's look.

"Look no arguments, Joe you get started on the pen and I'll go back for the calves."

Joe nodded and started to unload the lumber and wire with gusto. Adam helped him and then drove off with the buckboard.

Sara stayed close by and watched Joe set things up, wanting to help any way she could.

"Sara I'm gonna need a rake to level this ground off, do you have one?"

Sara rushed to the barn, returned with one and happily handed it over.

"Thank you Ma'am" Joe said with a smile and set to work.

Sara watched the rake scrape back and forth on the ground. Her mind, however, was elsewhere.

"That brother of yours is something else, isn't he..." she commented.

"You mean Adam? Yeah he's alright, but he sure has his days."

"Well I guess that's true of all of us Joe."

Joe straightened, nodding his head "Hey where's Billy?" he asked looking toward the house.

"Oh he's having a nap, if I let him sleep a good two hours he'll pretty much sleep through the night."

Joe made no comment to that and resumed his raking.

Sara watched and smiled suddenly remembering Joe as a small boy.

"You know I remember Adam coming to school to pick you up sometimes. I think I was about ten at the time and all I could think was how brave you were to climb on that big gray horse."

Joe stopped his work again. "Hey, I remember that horse, his name was Blue. Yeah, he was a real skittish one but Adam could handle him alright."

"I used to see Hoss too but then he didn't come any more, what happened?"

"Well I guess Hoss figured schooling didn't agree with him. Pa and him went round and round with that one. In the end Hoss got his way"

"Hoss was always very kind even as a boy he was polite and sweet. I used to feel so badly for him when the other boys picked on him about his size."

Joe stopped raking again and looked thoughtful. "You know I bet that would've made a lot of people bitter, but not Hoss. I admire that about my brother he's always just taken people just the way they are."

"I think that could be said of all three of you."

Joe shook his head, "Yeah, but it was different with Hoss, people always tried to shame him, he had to overcome things that me and Adam didn't. He had to forgive people's stupidity, that's something I don't think I could've done."

"I think he turned out a fine man Little Joe."

Joe gave her an appreciative smile. "Thanks Sara, we do too"

CHAPTER TEN

The morning of July the fourth emerged with a thick fog that covered the countryside. The Cartwright men were up tending their chores before the sun had a chance to make it's appearance. But it was well up and burning through the fog by the time they sat down for breakfast.

"Adam will you be taking the surrey today?" Ben asked as he reached for the steaming coffee pot.

Adam nodded while chewing his breakfast, trying to finish up quickly. "I'll take the surrey Pa, if you won't be needing it today."

"That's fine son, Hop Sing and I can use the buckboard. Hoss, you and Joe can take your horses."

"Hop Sing will need buckboard to bling prize winning dishes to contest." Hop Sing declared at Ben's shoulder.

"Aw, Hop Sing, you shouldn't waste them pies on folks who don't appreciate them like I do." Hoss complained.

Hop Sing left the room grumbling in Chinese while the rest of the family chuckled.

Adam drained his glass of milk and rose "Excuse me gentlemen but I better get started if I want to get there."

Adam left the table as his family resumed eating.

"Hey Pa wait'll you see Billy, he's growing like a weed." Hoss told him.

"That's true Pa, I saw him the other day. He smiles every time he sees me now." Joe agreed.

"Well, that's probably because he doesn't know you yet, Joseph" his father teased. "We better get going ourselves boys, Hoss why don't you help Hop Sing with his entries and Joe and I will saddle the horses and hitch up the buckboard."

Adam arrived at Sara's farm and went right up the stairs and rapped on the door. He heard Sara call him in and once inside found her struggling to secure a bonnet to the baby's head, to which Billy was loudly protesting.

"Oh, Adam, I don't think he's feeling well today" Sara cried. "I think I should keep him home."

Adam scooped Billy into his arms and held him to his chest until he quieted "Give me that thing we can put it on him on the way."

"But Adam he's in a dreadful state, I think he's sick."

Adam looked at Billy, who was now beaming up at him, and back at Sara "Do you know what I think Mrs. Worthington, I think Billy here sensed his mother's nervousness and was reacting to that. I don't think he's sick at all."

Sara stared at her son now happily reaching for Adam's face.

With a resigned sigh she sat down. "I am nervous Adam it's true, I don't think I can face all these people."

"Sara come on you and Billy can't stay here for the rest of your lives, never seeing anyone. What kind of life would that be?"

"I know that, it's just that I always feel like they're staring at me. I know that's silly Adam but I'm so afraid that they'll find out who I am and it will be like before."

Adam sat beside her and put his arm around her. "Sara, it's gonna be fine, what d'ya say we go and have a good time."

"Alright, Adam, let's go" she said trying to sound optimistic and she followed him out.

She was very quiet on the trip to town and Adam didn't try to press her for conversation. The baby proved to be a great distraction, his eyes big and round trying to take in everything around him.

They were met in town by the rest of Adam's family and Shaunnessey, who came right over to get Billy.

"Why there's the handsomest man in Virginia City!" she said happily.

"Hey, Shaunnessey, you always told me I was the handsomest man in Virginia City." Joe complained.

"Well, Joseph, I'd say you've met your match." Shaunnessey told him.

Joe took the baby and held him slightly over his head. "Now look here Billy we'll have none of that, I can't have your kind of competition in this town."

Billy chortled with delight, how he loved the attention.

"Alright folks we can split up here for the day and meet by the church for lunch later on."

Everyone agreed and began to go their separate ways.

Shaunnessey took Sara's arm after she retrieved her son from Joe. Adam watched them go off together and was suprised to see Sara turn around to look after him. Her eyes seemed to beseech him but he didn't move and soon Shaunnessey said something to distract her and she didn't look back.

Adam stood unmoving for some time, thinking about Sara. Maybe he should've stayed with her, she was still very uncomfortable and maybe even a little scared. But he knew too, that Shaunnessey would take care of them and decided to do as he planned. He began to walk up the street now looking like a carnival with banners and booths lining the streets and people everywhere.

Many people stopped to talk to him and inquire about the welfare of his family. He enjoyed seeing everyone but continued on looking for one in particular. He couldn't resist stopping at the pie judging tent to check in on Hop Sing. Hop Sing stood behind the table with his pies on it, looking very serious. Adam stood next to him and silently looked around the tent, checking out the other contestants. After a time he leaned over and whispered to Hop Sing.

"I don't think you have any thing to worry about Hop Sing, there's no competition here."

Hop Sing smiled at him reservedly and Adam discreetly left the tent to continue his search. He hadn't gone far when he saw her coming toward him with her sisters. She saw him at the same time and they both stopped walking.

Adam moved forward again and this time she waited for him. She felt her pulse racing as he came closer and then stopped before her

"Hello Margie, I wasn't sure if you were coming" he smiled at her sisters including them in the greeting, "Miss Michelle, Miss Linda."

The younger girls bowed their heads and smiled shyly.

Margie wore the same subdued smile, but inside, her heart was thumping loudly. She had never known anyone who could affect her as this man did.

Adam, too, was experiencing the same thrill, the rush of heat through his body and the prickly feeling that went all the way to his scalp. He thought about her often when he was away from her, and always when he was with her.

"I was watching for you Adam." Margie told him.

"Were you?" he said, knowing perfectly well she had been. He loved the sound of her voice. It was soft but confident, like a comforting caress. "Would you mind if I walked with you ladies for awhile?"

"Not at all Adam."

Adam held out his arm, looking very pleased. She looped her arm through his and looked at her sisters and winked.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Adam was late meeting his family for lunch and was unaware of Sara watching him as he found a place to sit and reached for the basket.

"What kept you son?" Ben asked.

"Oh, I was just visiting the Johnson family and they asked me to sit with them a spell, sorry I'm late."

Sara watched curiously as Adam's brothers grinned, she wondered at this secret that seemed to pass between them.

"No harm done." Ben commented as he passed Adam the fried chicken.

"I sure do love Hop Sing's chicken." Hoss said.

Joe watched him savor his fourth piece and shook his head.

"Hey Pa, are you all going to the dance tonight?" Adam asked.

"Oh a dance!" Sara breathed "I haven't been to one in ages."

"Why don't you go tonight Honey?" Shaunnessey suggested.

"Oh I couldn't do that, what about Billy?"

"There's no reason he can't stay with me, once he's been fed he pretty much sleeps through the night now. I think you should go just for a little while."

"I agree." Ben chimed in.

Sara looked to the others and they nodded, when her eyes came to Adam he was looking away, his mind elsewhere.

"What do you think Adam?"

He looked up at the sound of his name, "What?"

"The dance Adam, should I leave Billy with Shaunnessey for a little while and go?"

"Oh absolutely, if that's what you want to do Sara."

It was unanimous, but somehow Adam's answer hadn't been what she expected or hoped to hear.

"Well, maybe I will then." she said, but there was no enthusiasm in her voice.

She stayed out of the conversations then and watched Adam.

He kept looking off in the distance but there were so many people milling about, she couldn't tell who or what he was looking at and she dared not ask him.

Shaunnessey noticed her silence and was watching her as intently as she watched Adam. She had been aware of the feelings that Sara was having about Adam but had been hesitant to say anything. It was not her affair and she didn't want to interfere. But now she could see it might be necessary after all.

Sara turned her attention to Billy who Hoss was attempting to play with, but the baby was having none of it.

"I'm sorry Hoss, I'm afraid he's hungry and I'll have to feed him before I eat myself."

Hoss' cheeks quickly colored and Sara smiled at his embarrassment. "Why, Hoss, surely you didn't think he was going to eat with us?"

"Yes Ma'am,....I-I-I mean no Ma'am, what I mean is-excuse me Ma'am." he said and made a hasty retreat.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Sara went home with Shaunnessey and tended to Billy, feeding him and then putting him down to sleep. She felt Shaunnessey's eyes on her when she emerged from the small bedroom.

"Sara sit down a moment."

Sara did as she asked, her heart beginning to beat a little faster.

"Sara, Honey, you tell me if I'm out of line here but I was wondering something. How do you feel about Adam?"

Sara flushed and her chin fell to her chest for just a moment. "What do you mean?"

"I mean how do you feel about him, do you like him?"

"That's silly Shaunnessey of course I like him, he's done so much for Billy and me."

"Sara, Honey, that's not what I mean."

"Really, Shaunnessey, Adam is a dear friend and I can't imagine what else you could be talking about."

Shaunnessey sighed heavily and smiled. "Alright Sara, I'm sorry I was just worried about you."

Sara hugged her close. "Shaunnessey, you are too good to me and Billy. Don't worry about me I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."

Their conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door. Shaunnessey opened it to reveal Hoss, he was dressed sharply and smiled as he removed his hat.

"Evening Shaunnessey, is Miss Sara ready to go?"

Shaunnessey watched as Sara gracefully rose and wrapped her shawl around her shoulders. She smiled and waved as she followed Hoss out the door. As Shaunnessey stared at the closed door, she wondered if she had overreacted.

Sara had draped her arm over Hoss' and glanced either side of the street as they walked toward the town hall.

"Where are the others Hoss?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, they went on ahead Miss Sara, I got the honor of escorting you to the dance."

"Well, Hoss, no lady could be more pleased then I."

She was rewarded with Hoss' puffing out of his chest and smug smile.

As soon as they entered the dance hall, her eyes sought Adam.

There were far too many people though and singling one person out was impossible.

Ben approached as soon as he saw her and beamed happily.

"Sara I'm so glad you decided to come, a night out will do you good young lady."

Sara gave him an appreciative smile and then continued to scan the crowd. At last she spotted him whirling around the floor with an attractive young woman. Her heart sank to the depths of her soul.

"Could I have the honor of the first dance Sara?"

Sara eyes went to Ben's kind face, and he found himself taken aback by the pain he saw there.

"Are you alright my dear?"

"Oh yes, it was just windy on the way over." she said, and hastily wiped at her eyes. She reached for his hand and joined him on the dance floor.

Each of the Cartwrights asked her to dance, except Adam. Each time she looked for him he was dancing with someone else. Other men asked her to dance too and she tried to enjoy the night, but she could not keep her eyes or her mind off of Adam.

She was standing by the punch bowl when he approached her from behind.

"Sara I'm glad you came, are you enjoying yourself?"

Sara turned, the glass in her hand seemed suddenly slippery and she clutched it tight.

"Oh, yes, I am Adam, I wasn't sure you were here."

"Well, I come to dance, I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you..."

Sara felt her chest fill with hope. "Oh, no, of course not."

"Well, I was hoping after you've had a chance to rest, that you might honor me with the next dance?"

"Of course Adam, you were the one I was waiting for."

His smile went straight to her heart and her eyes stayed on him as he poured himself a drink. For that reason she didn't see the young lady approaching.

"Adam don't tell me you've worn down already?"

The two women's eyes met, and questions were exchanged between the two in the silent language only women know. Adam looked on nervously.

"Margie, I, uh, just stopped for a drink. Margie I'd like you to meet my friend Sara, Sara this is Margie."

Sara nodded at Margie but she was thinking. "Friend, he said I was his friend."

"Sara how do you do, I haven't seen you around here before."

"Oh well I- I had just moved here with my husband last year. He was working on the Ponderosa and was killed in an accident."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Margie said softly.

The band began to play again and Adam reached for Sara's hand.

"Excuse us, Margie, but Sara promised me a dance, I'll be right back."

Sara couldn't resist a look back at Margie, and gloried in the feel of Adam's arms around her as they began to move across the floor.

She didn't bother to speak, she closed her eyes and lost herself in the moment.

The dance ended too soon and they were back to the punch bowl. She found Margie had been joined by other ladies, who obviously were there for a dance with Adam.

Adam was somewhat embarrassed as he introduced them all to Sara. She did her best to smile politely but she kept her eyes averted when she realized that she had known many of them years before.

Margie took Adam's arm when the next song began, Sara watched them closely.

"I do believe she is trying to monopolize Adam's time tonight." Sandy commented.

"They do make a lovely couple though don't they?" Caz declared dreamily.

"The way Adam looks at her sometimes, we don't stand a chance ladies."

Sara felt their words go painfully through her and she dropped her eyes to the floor. It was all too much to take in and she wanted to fade away forever.

Adam meanwhile was enjoying the dance and the feel of Margie in his arms. He was looking at her when she said, "Adam that girl, Sara, she seems very familiar, who is she?"

"Well, she already told you who she was Margie, Sara Worthington."

"I know very well what she told me, but I have a strange feeling that I've seen her before today. What was her name before she was married is what I'm wondering?"

"Well Margie I suppose that's something you should ask her."

Margie studied Adam's face for a moment, he could be so irritating sometimes.. But there was something else in his expression beyond the stubbornness.

"Do you have feelings for her Adam?"

Adam nearly stopped dancing and looked down at her. "Oh Margie, don't tell me your jealous?"

"Adam please don't make fun, you know how I feel."

Adam pulled her against his chest "Margie, she's a friend who is having a rough time right now, you don't have anything to worry about."

Margie lifted her head and looking for truth in his eyes, she pasted a smile on her face. "Alright, Adam, I'm sorry, it's just that I care so deeply for you. You know that don't you?"

Adam tipped her chin up, "I know Margie, you don't need to question my feelings for you."

Margie nodded, suddenly feeling quite ashamed of herself.

Adam had never given her any reason to question, and he was always well received wherever he went. This was nothing new, he had many friends both male and female. She felt much better when they returned to where Sara still stood. As soon as they returned Margie was whisked off by a male friend and Adam turned his attention back to Sara.

"Are you having fun?"

Sara nodded shyly, she wanted him to ask her to dance. She wished fervently that he could read her mind at that moment.

"Uh oh, here comes trouble." Adam said and Sara looked up to see Joe approaching with a flurry.

"Hey Adam guess who's here? Troy he's in town for the summer, come on you gotta say hello to him." he said, and grabbed him by the arm.

"Alright just a minute, excuse me Sara, and Little Joe's rudeness."

"Excuse him Sara he'll be right back." Joe promised and pulled him away.

Sara felt self conscience standing alone and looked in the direction the boys had gone. She saw them join another group of men that seemed to be having a lively time. She took a look around the room and wondered if she should ask Hoss or Ben to walk her back to Shaunnessey’s house. She looked back toward Adam and saw he and his brother standing in an identical pose, with their arms folded across their chests, and one leg crossed over the other, listening to the conversation. She wondered if they were even aware they were doing it. She was unable to take her eyes off them. She watched Adam lean toward Joe as he spoke with the same gentle patience that he exhibited with Billy. It was watching him with his brothers that convinced her, he would be a good father as well.

So engrossed was she, that she didn't see the girl next to her until she spoke.

"Sara I've been watching you and I just realized who you are, you're Sara Connor aren't you?"

Sara turned sharply and then looked away, she didn't answer.

"I knew it was you, how could you come back here? After what your brothers did to this town, to these people? How could you?"

Sara fought back sobs and quickly grabbed her shawl from the chair she'd layed it on and rushed from the building.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Ben had been witness to Sara's unpleasant experience, and sighed as she hurried out. His eyes then sought out his oldest son, now gliding across the floor with yet another young lady. Ben had also seen Sara's expression earlier that evening as she watched Adam out on the dance floor. And the look of hope on her face when he returned to where she stood. He grappled with the decision of whether or not to say something to his son, and finally decided he could not ignore what he saw. He approached Adam when the dance ended and sought his attention away from his female audience

Adam's face lit up when he saw his father approaching. "Hi Pa, why aren't you out there enjoying yourself?"

Ben smiled, "It would seem all the young ladies have other men in mind."

Adam gloated, with just a hint of embarrassment. Ben turned to the women "Could you spare my son for just a few minutes ladies? I'd like to talk to him if you don't mind."

Adam stole a glimpse at his father's face, what could this be about he wondered?

The women dispersed in different directions and Ben took his son's arm and led him from the floor. Adam was confused but unsure if he should protest. His eyes scanned the room for his brothers, maybe something had happened.

Ben let go of his arm when they stepped outside the building and stood back from him. He folded his arms across his chest and stared intently at Adam

"Pa please what is this all about? If I've done something wrong I surely don't remember it."

This produced a smile from his father but it quickly faded. "No you haven't done anything wrong, at least not intentionally."

Adam blew out his breath with relief. "Well what's wrong then?"

Ben crossed one leg over the other and considered how to broach this touchy subject. "Son it's Sara."

"Sara, what about her? She was having a wonderful time the last time I saw her."

Ben pursed his lips and squinted his eyes at his son. "Adam, I know I probably don't have the right to ask you this but I feel I have to. How do you feel about Sara?"

Adam met his father's eyes but didn't respond right away. He was thinking about what might have happened with Sara. "Well you know the answer to that, I'm very fond of her and Billy, I thought you were too?"

"Oh, Adam, I am. That's not what I mean, it's not what I'm asking. Look son this is difficult for me, what I want to know is-are you in love with her?"

Adam's mouth dropped open. "In love with her? No, I mean I do like her a great deal but, well I'm her friend that's all."

Ben looked down and felt a great sadness, he was afraid of that.

"Why did you want to know, did she say something to you?"

Ben shook his head. "No, not in words Adam, but I've been watching her and the way she watches you, and I'm almost sure she's fallen in love with you. No I am sure, especially after tonight."

Adam began to feel uncomfortable and started to pace. "No I'm sure you're wrong, she's never given any indication of feeling that way. Besides Pa I've never done anything to encourage that kind of feeling from her, I told her we're friends."

"I don't think she sees it that way and I really think you should talk to her about this."

"Pa, I can't do that, what if you're wrong? It would embarrass her."

"I don't think I'm wrong son and if you talk to her you'll find out I'm right."

Adam continued to pace back and forth trying to make sense out of what his father was saying. It couldn’t possibly be true. He'd never been anything but friendly to her and he'd done all he could to help her and Billy.

"Adam, you really should talk to her, I think she was already hurt deeply tonight and I don't want to see this go any further."

"Pa, I really think you're making something out of nothing here." he said, somewhat exasperated. "If I thought for even a minute that she felt that way I--look don't you think she would've said something to me, let me know how she was feeling? After all she sees me often enough."

Ben soberly looked to the ground and then back at his son.

Adam had turned away and was looking inside. Ben followed his stare and caught sight of Margie talking with a group of friends.

"She's the one isn't she son?"

Adam nodded without turning around, his heart was in a turmoil. What if Sara had seen them dancing together? Was it obvious?

"Why did she leave?"

"I'm not sure Adam, Christina was talking to her and then she left rather quickly, she looked very upset."

"I wouldn't do anything to hurt Sara, or Billy." Adam said simply.

"I know that son, but you can't leave things as they are."

"What am I going to say to her? Anything I say might complicate things even more."

Ben had no answer for him, he couldn't tell him what to do.

Adam leaned against the porch railing and took a deep breath.

"Do you think she knows about Margie, about how I feel? Maybe that's why she left."

Ben shook his head "No, I think Christina said something to her, what I don't know, but it upset her nonetheless. Why don't you go out and see her tomorrow? Maybe I am mistaken but wouldn't it be better to know and have it out in the open?"

"I suppose you're right, I'll see her tomorrow then."

Ben put an arm around his shoulder and smiled "Thank you son, now what you say we find someone to dance with, although you don't seem to be having a problem in that area."

Adam's face broke into a grin. "Seeing as how that's true I'll see if I can find you a suitable partner, just for tonight though, after that you're on your own."

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Adam had every intention of seeing Sara the very next day but a severe thunderstorm, with dangerous lightening, made travel impossible. His trip was put off further by the necessary cleanup and inspection of the ranch and livestock, when the storm finally ended a couple days later. By the time a week had passed he'd talked himself out of the need to talk to her, and chose to avoid the situation all together.

He may never have seen her at all if he hadn't had to go to town for the mail. He was leaving the post office, shuffling through the mail when he saw Sara walking toward Shaunnessey’s place. He stood frozen, hesitating, he wanted to see her, to talk to her. But for some reason he found himself unable to move. Out of the corner of his eye he saw someone approaching them. He recognized Dixie, drunk as usual. He sensed Sara and the baby could be in for trouble and started walking toward them. As he got closer more people were surrounding her, their voices carried to Adam.

"We got no use for your kind in this town and you think hiding that kid behind some fancy name is gonna change what he is, you're dead wrong lady. You get yourself and that little varmint out of here while you still can, you hear?" There was an echo of agreement from the others around her.

Sara clutched Billy to her chest, she could hear the venom in the men's voices. It was all too familiar to her, she cringed fearfully, her eyes sought a way out.

"I think it would be best for everyone if you pack up and leave our territory or you may find your little home out there lighting up the sky, you know what I mean?"

"Please," Sara cried, "Please let us go." Billy sensed something was wrong and began to cry.

The sound went through Adam like a knife and he started to run.

One of the men grabbed her arm and she cried out in pain.

"You get on out of here while you still can woman, or we'll show you the way."

"Let her go!" Adam shouted still coming toward them. The man immediately let go and turned to face him.

"Cartwright, we have you to thank for bringing this street trash back into our territory, don't we?"

Adam didn't answer, he only moved between them and took Sara's arm. "Come on Sara, let's go."

She willingly went with him, she was shaking terribly and was afraid she would fall but she kept moving.

"Cartwright, we ain't through with any of you! Now turn around or I'll have to turn you around."

Adam leaned toward her and whispered fiercely, "Sara you go straight to Shaunnessey’s and lock the door. Start walking and don't look back and don't stop, now go."

Sara did as he asked, although it was difficult for her to see for the tears streaming down her face. This was just like before she thought, she had wanted so desperately to spare Billy and here it was, again.

Adam faced his antagonists and stood squarely before them.

"Alright Laytham, I'm listening, what do you want?"

"You get your woman to leave tonight, take her back where she came from."

"She has the right to live wherever she pleases, just like you and me. She isn't responsible for what her family did and you know it, so back off Laytham."

Laytham smirked then and poked a finger into Adam's chest.

"Yeah, well maybe your woman won't live where there ain't no house to live in."

"That's awful big talk from a little man Laytham." Adam said, and wore a dangerous smile. He saw Laytham tense up and move toward him.

"He's right Adam, we all want them out. We got no intention of letting that pup of hers grow up to be another Connor."

"Shut up Dixie, you're so deep in the bottle most of the time you wouldn't know them if you tripped over them. And if this town can tolerate a trouble making drunk like you, then Sara and her boy shouldn't be any problem for the rest of you."

Laytham laughed and turned back to the others "You know fellas I think Cartwright here is worried we'd find out that little scum is really his."

Adam had taken enough from them and he struck Laytham with everything he had. As angry as he was though, he was not prepared to take on six men. In no time he disappeared in the mob, and Sara watched.

She stopped on the walk just steps from Shaunnessey’s house and desperately tried to think what to do. She didn't dare try to make it to the Sheriff they may come after her. She held on to Billy and rushed through Shaunnessey’s door.

She was so hysterical, Shaunnessey had to concentrate and it took several minutes to understand what was happening.

"Sara, listen to me, lock the door when I leave I'm going to find Roy Coffee, don't open it for anyone but me you hear me?"

Sara could only nod her head, she was holding Billy for all she was worth. Shaunnessey realized she had to quiet him or they'd find her, so she rushed to the kitchen and got him a cookie.

It worked and he soon quieted and Shaunnessey led them to the sofa. She was concerned about the wild look in Sara's eyes but knew she had to get out there and get help.

"I'm going now, Honey, keep the door locked and try to keep Billy quiet alright?"

She nodded again and watched as Shaunnessey rushed out the door quickly she stood up and locked the door. She began to cry again as she leaned her back against the door and wailed, "Please God, help him."

And Adam needed the help, he was trying to stay on his feet but was losing the battle. When he hit the ground for the last time he heard someone call out his name. He was suddenly afraid that Sara had come back and tried to see who it was when a blow to his head made everything turn to black.

CHAPTER FIFETEEN

When Adam opened his eyes he was unsure of how much time had passed and for a moment couldn't remember what had happened. He tried to force his eyes open, even though it made his head throb.

"Adam?!!" it was the unmistakable voice of his father, he turned his head slightly and tried to look at him but for some reason couldn't seem to focus his eyes. He attempted to lift his hand to his face, if felt like lead.

"Don't try to move around son, you're home now and you're alright. You just rest now and we'll talk later."

But Adam wanted to talk, needed to know "Pa, Sara..Billy... are they..."

"They're fine, Hoss and Shaunnessey went out to the house with her. She's worried about you, but she's fine, now lay back and rest."

Adam tried to lift his arm but Ben was holding it lightly and he couldn't move it. "My head hurts and I can't see very well."

"Well, son, that's probably just as well, they did quite a number on you. By the way, Roy has them sitting in his jail to cool off for awhile, Sara told us what happened."

Adam closed his eyes and sighed heavily, "Why couldn't they just let her be, why did she have to be right about them?"

"Oh, Adam, some people just never let go of the past. They spend their lives thinking they have to get retribution somehow, even though the people responsible are long gone. I don't understand it myself, but I think it's very sad."

Adam couldn't agree more but he didn't dare nod or even move, he just felt agony. Not just because of the physical pain, but for Sara and Billy too, and it made him weary.

"I'm really tired, Pa." he said quietly, he thought his voice sounded funny. Ben didn't say anything at first but just stroked his arm and stared at the wall. How he wished he could change things, so many things.

Adam was beginning to drift off when Ben said, "Don't talk anymore just go to sleep, I'll be right here."

Weeks passed before Adam could get up and around again and all he wanted to do was see Sara and Billy and know for himself that they were alright.

He waited until his family left for the day and slowly and painfully got dressed and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. Hop Sing was working over the stove and turned at the sound of him approaching .

"You father know you leave today?" he inquired.

Adam reached for a cup and then the coffee pot, surprised at how the effort still hurt his ribs.

"Yes, Hop Sing, he knows I'm leaving and for the record he knows I'm going over to see Sara and Billy today. I'm still a little sore but well enough to go for a little ride so don't worry."

Hop Sing gave a little grunt and turned back to his work while Adam searched for some sugar to take away some of the bitterness that came from the bottom of the pot.

"I have pie for Miss Sara, you bring for her." Hop Sing announced suddenly and shuffled to the pie rack and pulled down a warm apple pie and carefully placed it in a basket for travel.

"Hey, I thought that pie was for our lunch, Hop Sing?"

"Cartlight boys eat too much pie, this for Miss Sara and Billy, you be careful you no sample on the way." Hop Sing warned and then handed the basket to Adam.

"Thank you, Hop Sing, she will love this, I'll give her your best." Adam said and Hop Sing gave a pleased smile.

Adam walked out to the barn whistling, feeling quite happy. Once inside the barn he found another surprise, his chestnut stood already saddled and ready to go. Adam went to him and patted his neck wondering which of his family members had performed this little task for him.

He pulled the rein loose and carefully tied the basket to the saddle. Once outside he slowly pulled himself up and eased himself down into the saddle. He knew he wouldn't be traveling at a fast pace today so he gave a cluck and decided to enjoy the ride.

He was grateful for the pleasant day as he took in the landscape around him, the colors of the coming fall were already visible in many ways and he felt the kind of sadness he always felt in the fall, as if things were coming to some kind of end.

It was very quiet when he rode into Sara's yard but he was comforted by the sight of Shaunnessey's surrey in the yard. At least Sara wasn't alone and had some help with Billy. After removing the basket from his saddle he sauntered onto the porch and knocked lightly.

Sara opened the door and stared up at him, he was shocked by how haggard she looked. But the sight of him caused a great transformation in her eyes.

She put her arms around him, "Oh Adam, I'm so happy to see you I was so worried about you."

Adam was somewhat taken aback by her reaction and gently dislodged her arms with one hand.

"Sara. I'm alright really, I was worried about you and Billy and wanted to see you."

"Oh, Adam, really, we're fine, I'm sorry did I hurt your ribs?"

"Well, I'm still a little sore but that's okay I never refuse a hug." he said, with a smile.

Tears sprang to Sara's eyes as she looked at him and Adam wondered at this.

"Hop Sing sent a little present for you." he said, holding up the basket.

Sara took the basket and peered inside. "Oh my, that smells wonderful, let me take this into Shaunnessey and tell her you're here."

Sara put down the book she'd been holding and left the room, curious Adam picked it up. There was no title and he realized it was some sort of journal. Embarrassed he quickly replaced it just as Sara returned.

"Where's Billy?" he asked trying to lose the guilt on his face.

"He's napping right now, since he's been eating a little, he seems to be sleeping better."

"He's eating now, you mean regular food, how old is he?"

"Well, I don't mean what you and I eat, but Shaunnessey's been giving him bread and milk and some porridge now and then, he loves it. She says it won't hurt him any and he does seem to be growing rather quickly now. And for your information he's nearly seven months old."

Adam shook his head, time did seem to be going by fast lately. Feeling tired Adam sat down on the sofa, Sara soon joined him.

"Well, I'm glad you two are alright now." Adam, said softly.

Sara moved closer to him. "Adam, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry about what happened, I didn't want you to be hurt."

"I know that Sara, it certainly wasn't your fault."

"You risked your life for us, that means a lot to me, to Billy too, thank you Adam."

"Well, Sara, I care a great deal for you both, I wouldn't let anyone hurt either one of you."

Sara moved closer still and pressed against his arm, her eyes peered at him with such earnest that Adam stared.

"I know you do Adam, and I'm glad you finally came out here today, I've wanted to talk to you for such a long time."

Adam felt his heart start to beat faster, something was happening.

Sara sat up a little straighter still holding onto his arm.

"I love you Adam, I've loved you for a long time and I know you feel the same. And as for Billy well he's just crazy about you too. We could be a family Adam, the three of us could be so happy and you could make us whole again. In time the townsfolk would accept us because of you and your family. It wouldn't be like it was in town that day..."

Adam swallowed hard, "Sara, wait a minute."

"Oh, Adam, this means so much to me, I've wanted to tell you for so long but I wasn't sure how you felt until now, it was meant to be, you can see that Adam can't you?"

Adam stood up abruptly and Sara lost her grip on his arm.

"Sara you don't understand, that wasn't what I meant when I said....look I do care about you, and Billy but...Sara I don't want to marry you, whatever gave you that idea?"

It was Sara's turn to stare. "Adam you've been so good to us and have spent so much time here and then after all that's happened you came back today I thought--"

Adam hung his head and Sara rushed to his side. "Adam, you do care deeply I know you do, even if you don't think you love me give it time. I need you, Adam, so much, you could make us a family and I wouldn't have to be afraid ever again. Please, Adam, give us a chance to make you happy, please Adam."

Adam looked into her eyes and saw the desperation he knew was there. "Sara, I can't ....."

Sara covered his mouth with her small hand and tears began to stream down her face. "No, Adam, please don't say it, I need you now more than ever, you said you would take care of me Adam. All you have to do is marry me, you don't even have to love me just please don't leave us alone. Adam, I can't take it anymore I need you so much. Don't you see I have no one else Adam, no one."

Sara began to sob uncontrollably and sagged back onto the sofa and put her head in her hands letting the tears come that she'd been holding back for so long.

Helpless Adam sat beside her and touched her arm. "Sara I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you."

Sara didn't move and continued to cry wracking sobs, this was not what she'd dreamed it would be. Adam looked around and finally found a handkerchief and handed it to her. Several minutes passed before she calmed and the two of them sat in uncomfortable silence.

"Why did you come Adam? What kept you coming back all those times, and kept you here for so long, tell me, Adam?"

Adam stared at his boots and swallowed the lump in his throat, he couldn't answer her but he could feel her eyes burning into him. He closed his eyes wishing for the moment to end.

"It's Billy...... isn't it?" she said, finally.

Adam caught his breath, how could he explain to her how he felt, he had loved Billy from the first moment he saw him and missed him constantly when he was away from him. It was a love he didn't understand himself, how could he explain it to her?

"Well, I guess I should find some comfort in that at least I'm not second best to another woman." she said, with a harsh laugh.

Adam tried to think of something to say, "Sara I always cared very much for both of you, never doubt that."

"Adam, please don't say anymore, I should've known better. You see Adam I've never been blessed with happiness, I guess some people just aren't meant to have it. I thought I would have some peace with Peter but that wasn't meant to be either. That's what brought you here in the first place wasn't it? Billy and I were just a way for you to placate your guilt over Peter. Well, not anymore Adam, you're free to go on with your life now, so go."

"Sara, wait not like this, you haven't let me say anything about how I feel. I don't want to leave you like this, I want to know that you're alright."

"But I just told you Adam, I'm fine so you can go now."

She was staring at him with such anger that he was unsure whether he should continue or leave. He decided it best to let her be for now and perhaps after she calmed down a little he could talk to her and help her understand.

"Alright Sara I'll go, but I'll be back to talk to you about this."

She was looking straight ahead, her face expressionless and Adam still hesitated. He looked around for Shaunnessey and then got to his feet.

"I'm sorry Sara." he said, watching her closely, then went to the kitchen. He found Shaunnessey peeling potatoes over the sink.

"Things didn't go well in there Shaunnessey, stay close to her will ya?"

"I tried to tell her Adam, but she had to hear it from you, maybe now she'll be able to move on."

"I didn't want to see her hurt."

"Adam, she knows that, she's been a very unhappy young lady for a long time, long before you came into her life."

Adam nodded and looked down at the floor when the house was suddenly filled with the sound of a gun blast.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

When Ben Cartwright walked through the front door of his home, he knew immediately that something terrible had happened. He could tell by taking in the faces of the people around him. A quick look told him that one of his sons was missing and he felt his heart skip a beat.

"Adam, where's Adam?" he cried fearfully.

"He's upstairs Ben, sleeping." Doc Martin told him, taking his arm and leading him toward the stairs. "Ben listen something awful happened to Sara, Adam had to be sedated so that we could get him to leave and bring him back here."

Ben stared at the doctor, "Why what happened? Is she hurt is Billy alright?"

Paul was holding on to his arm. "Billy is fine, Shaunnessey took him home with her but Sara.....Ben I don't know how to say it but she's dead. She took her own life, Ben, Adam was there when it happened. When I got there, there was nothing to be done, I'm sorry Ben."

Ben heard his words but stood in disbelief, he looked at the others and his fears were confirmed.

"Why?" he gasped but Paul shook his head, he had no answer.

"I'm going upstairs to my son." Ben whispered and left the others.

He entered Adam's room and crept quietly to the bed. Adam lay with his head turned toward the window. Ben could tell by the way he was breathing that he was asleep. He pulled a chair up to the bed and wearily sat down. How could this thing have happened he wondered? And how would he help Adam cope, what could he possibly say to him that would be of comfort? He wanted to reach out and touch him but at the same time didn't want to wake him.

Light was beginning to fade from the room when Adam began to stir. Ben sat upright and leaned toward him clutching his arm. Within moments Adam turned toward him and looked into his eyes searchingly.

"It wasn't a dream was it, Pa?" he said hoarsely.

Ben felt his throat close up on him, how he wanted to tell him it was only a dream. He squeezed his eyes shut for just a moment and then shook his head. "No, son, it wasn't, I'm sorry."

Adam continued to look at his father and then turned his head back toward the window and said no more. Ben squeezed his arm but didn't try to talk to him, he just wanted him to know he was there. He hoped Adam would go back to sleep for awhile but some time later he sought his father again.

"I want to bring Billy here, I want him with me, he doesn't have anyone else." Adam said, firmly.

Ben could only nod, at that moment he would have done anything to alleviate Adam's pain. He would've given him anything he asked for.

"We'll go get him in the morning, Shaunnessey, too. I'm sure she won't want to leave him now." Adam added.

"Alright son, in the morning. Just rest now and we'll go in the morning, I promise."

Adam's eyelids closed and Ben sighed heavily, damn the unfairness of it all he cursed silently. Why must there be such things in life? He was so lost in his own thoughts that he barely heard Adam whisper, "Why, Pa, why?"

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

On the ride back to the ranch, Ben stole glances at his eldest son. Adam sat holding Billy against his chest, his face somber and distant. Billy slept soundly taking tiny baby breaths having quieted considerably since the journey began. Shaunnessey too was uncharacteristically quiet, giving Ben silent looks that spoke volumes.

When they pulled into the front yard, Hoss and Joe met them and made a great fuss over Billy. The baby went into peels of laughter as he was tickled and cuddled by both. Adam helped Shaunnessey down and grabbed her and Billy's things, then followed the others inside. Without a word he took Billy from his brothers and settled on the sofa with him.

"Now Adam don't think you're gonna keep that little bugger all to yourself." Hoss chided.

"He's not a bugger and he's had a long day, he needs to settle down that's all. You have to give him time to get used to us again." Adam said, with some impatience.

"He was doing fine, I don't know what you had to grab him away from us for." Joe complained.

Adam glared at them then rose from the sofa and took the baby upstairs.

"What's the matter with him?" Hoss said, Joe shrugged.

Ben watched Adam's back disappear up the stairs and sighed unhappily. He approached his sons "Boys try to forgive him, he's still reeling from what happened and having Billy here will be a constant reminder for awhile."

Shaunnessey stood next to him, looking in the direction Adam had gone. "He doesn't look well Ben, he's taken it a lot worse then I imagined. Can't say as I blame him, it was awful Ben, I never thought she would do something like that.....I should have stayed close to her, if only..."

Ben quickly embraced her as the tears began. "No Dear, it wasn't your fault, I don't want you to blame yourself either. You and Adam did all you could for her, it wasn't anyone's fault. We all have to be strong here, for Billy's sake."

Shaunnessey pulled away. "Oh, Ben, I didn't want to say anything in front of Adam, but I notified Billy's grandparents about what happened."

"Yes well, Roy did too, even though Adam said she wrote them when Pete died and got no response. I can't imagine them not responding about their son, no matter how they felt about her."

"Chances are they won't care anymore about their grandson either." Joe said bitterly.

Ben frowned, "Well, no matter, Billy has a place with us regardless of what happens, and that goes for you too Shaunnessey. I know it's a lot to ask, you already did this routine when Joe was little. But you know how fond we all are of you and if you'd be willing, we'd love to have you stay. That is if you think you could handle a little one again?"

Shaunnessey smiled, "Now Ben, think about it, if I survived the antics of that one over there, I can get through the trials of any little boy."

The room filled pleasantly with laughter and Ben felt his heart lighten as he hugged Shaunnessey with gratitude.

Later at dinner, Adam was noticeably absent. He insisted on feeding Billy upstairs where it was quiet, but Ben suspected there were other reasons for his absence. Long after the other's retired Ben went to his room. The door was slightly ajar and a lantern burned low. He could see Adam cradling Billy in his arms, rocking gently in the very chair Marie had cradled Joe in.

Ben sat himself on the bed, he didn't speak. Sometimes with Adam it wasn't necessary. Sometimes his presence was all Adam needed to draw comfort. The room was warm and Ben felt himself getting drowsy. When Adam spoke his voice sounded strained to Ben, with a start he realized Adam had been crying.

"You know what he said when he woke up from his nap?"

Ben forced himself awake and cleared his throat "No son, what?"

"Mama, he said Mama. Not just once but over and over again."

Ben struggled with his urge to comfort his son, he could hear the agony in his voice. "Adam, he's just vocalizing, babies do that at this age. They say a lot of words that have no meaning for them yet."

"But what am I gonna tell him when they do have meaning Pa?"

Ben tried to think of something to say, something to ease his son's pain. "I don't know Son, all we can do is be there for him, and answer his questions as honestly as we can."

Adam grew quiet again except for an occasional catch in his breath. Ben knew without seeing him, that Adam was still crying silent tears, and was just a little thankful for the darkness. He could not bear to see that just now.

"I love him so much, I will do anything in my power to make him happy, but I can't give him back his Mama or Papa."

"I know, just love him son, sometimes that's all you can do."

Adam sniffed, "That's all you could do for us wasn't it?"

Ben nodded forgetting that Adam couldn't see him.

"You know I always knew that you loved me, without you ever saying it I just knew. But I never really understood the impact of that, what all that encompassed until now. Wanting to keep him as close as possible to reassure yourself. The all consuming feeling that your heart is gonna burst when he smiles at you. This love, like no other, it's so big, the whole aspect of loving a child like this, I just never understood until now."

Ben smiled mostly to himself, and listened to Adam's voice, soft and calmer then before.

" I can't imagine how difficult it must be to let go, to watch him stand and walk away."

"It is difficult son, but you do it because you know it's the best thing for him. But you make sure you stand behind him no matter what, even when he tells you in so many ways to go away. You don't go far, because if he falls you want to be there for

him to help him get on his feet again."

Adam made a sound something like a cough and Ben went to him and took the baby. "What d'ya say we get this little one put down for the night and you get some sleep yourself?"

Adam looked up at his father and Ben could see his face in the light "Alright" he said, and got to his feet. He walked to the cradle with his father and watched as Ben gently layed the infant on his back and brought the tiny blanket up. They stood together watching the little chest rise and fall.

"I have so much to learn, I don't want to make any mistakes with him." Adam whispered.

"Adam, there is no perfect parent, you just do the best you can."

"I want to be the kind of parent you were." Adam said, and smiled. "I mean the kind of parent you are and always have been."

"You will be son."

"No Pa, I don't think I could come close but even halfway would make all the difference in the world for him. You were everything I needed and more, you were, and are the best father a boy could ask for."

Ben felt his chest fill with pride. "Thank you son."

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

The presence of Billy brought something new to the Cartwright home, something that had been missing for a long time. The exuberance of a child made them all look at life a little differently and taught them to appreciate things long ago forgotten.

Months passed without anyone realizing that time was moving forward. Thanksgiving day, after enjoying a delicious meal, the family retired to the parlor and seated themselves. Shaunnessey helped Hop Sing clean up and Ben and his sons watched Billy pull himself up on the coffee table. He'd been doing that a lot lately and everyone commented that he'd be walking very soon. It so happened that Billy chose that day to take his first steps as let go of the table and began to venture towards Adam in his favorite chair. Adam had picked up a book and wasn't aware of Billy's accomplishment until he heard a gasp from the others. He looked up in time to see Billy shuffle one foot in front of the other, his tiny face lit up with love.

"Adam don't move." Ben said softly, not wanting to distract the child. But Adam couldn't resist leaning forward and holding his arms out. "Come on, Billy, come to me." he coaxed.

Billy needed no encouragement and in no time he was swept up in Adam's arms as the others cheered. Hop Sing and Shaunnessey rushed from the kitchen and listened happily to the news.

Shaunnessey took Billy from Adam and hugged him close. "Oh, Billy, what a big boy you are, nine months old and walking already, what a good boy."

"Good boy, not so good now." Hop Sing said. "Time make changes little boy have too many things to make trouble now. House is no longer safe for little boy." he scolded, the rest of his sentence spoken in Chinese.

"Alright, Hop Sing, we'll make sure we keep a close eye on him now" Ben promised.

Hop Sing's prediction was right as Billy proceeded to spend his days getting into everything. And everything he found, big or small had to be touched and tasted. Keeping him out of trouble became a full time job for everyone, but it was a job they all loved.

None of them ever found themselves too tired to play with Billy. Hoss and Joe even gave him nicknames. Hoss called him Billy Boy and Joe labeled him Billy Joe. Billy loved his new family so much he answered to anything they chose to call him.

The house soon echoed with baby sounds of, baba, dada, and mama. He repeated the sounds over and over to the delight of his constant audiences. Although, he spent most of his days alone with Shaunnessey, he seemed to instinctively know when the men would be back and would squeal with delight when they came home in the evening. Each of them took turns giving him their undivided attention and Billy thrived.

With Billy in the house, Christmas was anticipated like never before, and soon there were whispers and secrets throughout the house.

When the Christmas tree was up and carefully decorated with bare branches on the bottom. Billy was placed on the floor before it and he gazed up in awe with his tiny mouth in the form of an O. He stared for a long time before he finally ventured forward and reached for the branches.

"Let's light the candles, he'll really love that," Joe suggested.

"No, we can do that later tonight, I say we put him down for a nap, he's going to have a big day tomorrow." Ben told them.

"Pa's right we'll light the candles tonight before he goes to bed, it'll be a lot nicer when it's dark." Adam said and lifted Billy into his arms and took him up to bed.

And that evening, Christmas Eve, the Cartwright family stood in a darkened parlor, lit with only the glow of candles. No one spoke and everyone in the room seemed entranced by the scene before them. Billy too, his eyes big and wondering, was taken in by the sight before him. He looked quickly from the tree to the loved ones around him. Little Joe finally broke the silence.

"Look Billy, see that, Santa is going to bring you presents and put them right there for you."

"But only if you've been a good boy." Ben said, tapping him on the nose.

Billy beamed at him to show that he had been and Ben laughed heartily.

"Let's sing some Christmas songs, we haven't done that in a long time." Hoss said. "How come we stopped anyhow?"

"We had to, you were stampeding the livestock." Adam said with a smirk.

"Har har very funny" Hoss said good naturedly.

Ben joined the others in their laughter and then turned to his eldest with interest. He was starting to sound like the old Adam, his spirit was returning and that was good.

Christmas morning brought excited voices and new snowfall. Never had a little boy been so overwhelmed with gifts before. Just when Ben and Shaunnessey thought they'd seen the last of them, there came a knock on the door.

Hoss leaped to his feet. "I'll get it." he shouted.

The others watched curiously as he opened the door barely wide enough for the visitor to slip a box in. Hoss took the box and hastily excused the unseen guest.

"Thanks a lot, see you around." he said and returned to his family.

"Hoss, who was that?" Ben demanded.

"Oh, well, Pa that was Slick, he was keeping this for me until this morning."

"Well, couldn't you at least have invited him in?"

Hoss frowned, "Well, Pa, he was just delivering this here package for me and I just figured." Hoss floundered for the right answer but his father cut him off.

"Never mind that now, what have you got there?" Ben said waving him back to the family.

"More pressing is, who is it for?" Adam wanted to know.

Hoss' expression told him it was a silly question.

"It's for Billy of course, who do you think?"

Everyone watched as Hoss put the box on the floor before him. As Adam expected, Billy began to pound on the top of the box. His face lit up at the sound he was making.

"Oh no, no Billy Boy, don't do that you little dickens you'll scare him half to death." he scolded and proceeded to lift the lid and remove a squirming puppy.

"Oh, Hoss, a puppy? Isn't he a little young for a pup?"

"Well, Pa, we had a dog when we were boys, don't you remember Smokey?"

"Exactly you were boys, Billy's still a baby." Ben reminded him.

Billy eagerly reached for his newest present and Hoss had a time keeping him free of the eager hands.

"Well, Joe, was just a baby Pa, and Smokey watched over him like a hawk, you said he was the best companion a boy could have." Adam argued in his brother's defense.

"It'll be kind of neat Pa, they'll grow up together." Joe agreed.

"Well, what's done is done, but you're responsible for that pup Hoss you hear?"

"Oh, yes sir, I'll take care of him don't you worry" Hoss promised. "And Adam and Joe will help too."

"We will?" Joe said and was met with a withering stare. "I mean we will!" he quickly added.

Adam was enjoying the whole conversation as he reached for Billy's hand. "See Billy, you pet the doggie like this." he said and placed his hand over Billy's and stroked the puppy's head.

Hoss was about to breathe a sigh of relief when Ben said "Will there be anymore surprise visits boys?"

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Billy's first birthday a couple months later came in with a violent snowstorm. The snowfall up to that point had been minimal, but throughout the day it piled up higher and higher. Shaunnessey was left alone with Hop Sing and Billy and found it a full time job keeping him busy. Hop Sing kept the coffee hot along with a stew that would warm their insides when Ben and the boys returned from securing their livestock from the weather.

It was late in the afternoon when they finally returned, snow covered and wet from head to foot. Shaunnessey shushed them back out to brush themselves off, not wanting Billy to walk through the puddles the snow was sure to leave.

Once inside they helped themselves to steaming cups of coffee and bowls of stew. Shaunnessey joined them with Billy on her lap, distressed at how worn out they looked.

"Ben if you want to we can postpone Billy's party until tomorrow, you fellas look beat"

"Oh nonsense we're fine, we will not miss Billy's very first birthday, right boys?"

His three sons nodded their agreement in unison, and Billy bounced up and down to show his approval.

"I can't wait to see how he likes his birthday cake." Hoss said, eagerly.

"You can't wait to sample his birthday cake, you mean." Adam teased.

Several hours later, Billy lay sound asleep on Joe's chest, his face covered with birthday cake. Joe was also asleep, unaware of the sounds around him.

Ben and Adam were the only ones left as they put things away and prepared for bed themselves.

"Which one do you want to carry up?" Ben joked looking at the sleeping figures on the sofa.

Adam smiled. "Well, a few years ago I still could've managed Little Joe but I'm not so sure now. I think I'll take the birthday boy." He said and gently removed him from Joe's fingers.

"You might want to clean him up a little before you lay him down." Ben remarked.

Adam was already headed up the stairs when Ben gave his youngest son a little shake. He came awake slowly and looked around the room somewhat confused "Is the party over?" he drawled.

"Yes, son the party's over, how about we get some shut eye?"

Joe got wearily to his feet as he mumbled "Yeah good idea."

Once Joe was securely in his room, Ben strode to Adam's room to see how he was making out with Billy. He found him rubbing the baby's back and singing softly to him.

He looked up briefly when his father entered and then turned his attention back to the baby "We're gonna have to do something about a new bed for him, this thing won't hold him anymore. He's out of this and trying to climb up with me every morning."

"Well I'm sure we can find something for him, as soon as the weather clears we'll see what we can do about it."

Adam nodded absently and began to hum quietly, he watched as Billy fought to stay awake. It amused Adam to see his eyes float closed and then snap open again. He fought a losing battle though and eventually he fell back to sleep.

Adam wondered suddenly if his own mother had watched him sleep the same way. An overwhelming sadness swept over him for Billy, as he realized that Billy's mother would miss all the special times in his life. He watched Billy's tiny chest rise and fall for what seemed a long time, when Ben's voice broke into his thoughts.

"You're thinking about Sara, aren't you? That she should've been here today."

Adam glanced up at his father but was only a little surprised at his intuitiveness. "She should be here now Pa," he said, "Not just this birthday but all his birthdays and all his Christmases. He should have his mother here now, watching him sleep just like I'm doing. He shouldn't have to go through his life wondering what it would be like to have her with him."

"Like you did?" Ben asked softly. It really wasn't a question but Adam nodded.

There was a silence between them as they both watched the little boy sleeping before them. How angelic he was, Ben thought and he wondered if his own sons had slept in the same odd position as Billy, if they took little tiny raspy breaths as he did. It was getting harder to remember the children they once were. His eyes swept to Adam still gazing at Billy with a look of sadness and something else.

"Adam I have a feeling that you're still blaming yourself for what happened..."

Adam didn't lift his head and Ben wasn't sure if he'd heard. Then Adam let out a long sigh, "I can't help thinking, that if I'd done what she wanted, that she would be here now."

"You mean if you'd gone ahead and married her even though you told me you didn't feel that way about her?"

"What would it have mattered Pa, all she wanted was for someone to take care of her I don't think that was too much to ask. But not me, I couldn't even give her that one thing that might have been her last hope for happiness. And let's face it Pa, she might've been my last chance at having a real family."

Ben listened quietly "Adam who are you trying to convince me.... or yourself?"

Adam turned to protest but his father cut him off "Listen to me, I think we both know that what she was looking for had to be found within herself. It wasn't something you or anyone else could have given her."

"It just isn't fair." Adam said, almost mechanically and turned back toward the sleeping boy.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

By late March the Cartwrights found they were living with a parrot in the house, for young Billy began to echo whatever he heard. He pointed to everything he encountered and wanted to know the name for it. And even though he didn't always get it right, he would try to mimic them. Soon the people around him gained new importance because their names had meaning for him.

Adam declared him to be the brightest boy in Nevada territory, which Ben was sure was an exaggeration as they had no other children his age around to compare.

Billy had names for everyone, Ga for Shaunnessey, Doe for the youngest Cartwright, and copying the others he called Ben, Pa. No one questioned this and Ben seemed to be amused by it. Adam was never sure what he should have Billy call him. But Billy solved it himself one day by declaring him Da.

As the weather cleared and roads became passable, Billy began to take his first ventures outside. It became a common sight to see Billy and his dog Rascal, wandering the yard outside the house. He was introduced to his surroundings always under the watchful eye of one or more of the adults in his life.

It was Adam who took him for his first ride on a horse and he protested loudly when he was removed.

"He's gonna be a top notch rider like me!" Joe boasted.

Adam chuckled at this and held Billy above him. "Are you gonna be a top rider like your Uncle Joey?"

"Hey, it's Uncle Joe, and don't make fun of me you're gonna upset him." Joe complained and removed Billy from his brother's arms. "I'll take him inside, you can tend the horses. Come on Billy Joe let's get some of Hop Sing's yummy cookies."

Adam watched them head toward the house and shook his head laughing as he gathered up the horses reins and took them to the barn. While he was pulling the saddle from Cochise's back he heard riders come up to the barn. He threw the saddle over the stall and walked outside to see who it was.

He found the Sheriff dismounting and walking toward the house "Hey Roy is there something I can help you with?" Adam hollered after him

Roy turned sharply, his face broke into a smile.

"Well Adam, I wondered how you fellas fared this winter. I was meaning to come out earlier but the roads have been like quiksand up until last week. They ain't much improved but I reckon they'll dry up some these next couple months."

"Yeah, it's been a wet winter and spring, Pa went to town for the first time today for whatever supplies he could get without a wagon."

"Well, Adam, I wish I'd a known that, could've saved me a trip. I was bringing his mail out to him. I figured he wouldn't give it a try for awhile and it was kind've piling up so I elected myself to bring it out to him."

"That was good of you Roy, why don't you come on inside and have some cookies and milk." Adam said taking him by the arm.

"What'd you say there Adam?" Roy asked with a balk.

Adam realized his mistake and blushed "Coffee Roy, I said have some coffee and some of Hop Sing's great cookies, come on in."

Once inside Adam hollered toward the kitchen "Hop Sing, would you bring out the coffee pot please we have some company here."

Hop Sing rushed from the kitchen with a tray full and rested it on the coffee table, "Why Cartlights always yell?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hop Sing, I didn't mean to. Any of those cookies left or did Little Joe and Billy clean you out?"

"You want cookies why you not say bling cookies befow?" Hop Sing complained as he headed back to the kitchen.

Not long after Joe emerged from the kitchen with Billy toddling in behind him.

"What the heck did you do to get Hop Sing so riled big brother?" he asked.

As he set a plate of cookies before them, Billy rushed at Adam with his arms out and cried, "Da!" Adam swept him up and buried his face in the boy's neck which produced a peal of giggles.

"Well I'll be, that can't be the baby we brought out here last year can it?" Roy asked.

"That's him!" Joe told him.

"Well, if he ain't grown like a weed, I never would'a beleived it."

"He's been doing great Roy, talks like crazy nearly puts Little Joe to shame."

"Ha ha very funny. Hey, is that the mail, anything for me?"

Adam shifted Billy on his lap and retrieved the pile from the coffee table. "I don't know I haven't even looked through it yet." Adam said sorting through the envelopes. One particular envelope caught his eye

"Hey, here's a letter for Shaunnessey must be from one of her daughters, she was just talking about them the other day."

Joe had just finished pouring coffee and looked up. "Hey, let me take it up to her, maybe it'll make her forget about her headache."

Adam handed it over without looking up and Billy climbed off his lap to follow Joe. Joe reached down for his hand "Come on Billy Joe, let's bring Gaga a letter to make her feel all better."

"Gaga" Billy agreed.

Joe let Billy loose at the top of the stairs and he headed straight for Shaunnessey's room and slapped his baby hands on the door. Shaunnessey opened it and picked him up. "Well, hello there my darling, did you come to see Ga?"

"We brought you a letter Shaunnessey, maybe it's from the one of the girls..." Joe said, holding it out to her.

Shaunnessey looked puzzled as she ripped it open. "I don't think so Joseph, I don't recognize the handwriting."

Joe and Billy followed her into her room as she sat on her bed and began to read. Joe was alarmed when the color drained from her face and she took Billy into her arms with sudden urgency. "Shaunnessey what is it?"

"Joseph where's Ben?"

Joe felt his heart start to beat rapidly, "He and Hoss went to town to try to pick up some supplies, why what's in the letter?"

Shaunnessey pasted a quick smile on her face, "Now Joe it isn't polite to ask about personal letters, I just need to speak to your father. Now run along and tell him I want to see him when he gets back. You can leave Billy with me now."

Joe gazed at her doubtfully, "Shaunnessey is everything alright?"

Shaunnessey rose from the bed and gently pushed him toward the door. "Now do as I say, Joe, we're fine."

Joe still didn't seem sure but he gave her quick kiss on the cheek and turned to Billy, "Bye Billy Joe, be a good boy."

Billy awkwardly waved his chubby fist, "Bye, bye Doe" he chirped.

Shaunnessey pushed the door closed and turned to the boy as her eyes suddenly filled with tears. She rushed to him and pulled him into her arms as she sank onto the bed. "Oh, Billy my darling, what have I done?"

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Adam was reading in his room late that evening when a light knock caught his attention.

"Come on in" he called out.

He watched with interest as his father and Shaunnessey entered, wondering what was up.

"Hi Pa, I know it's late but I couldn't seem to put this one down."

"I understand Son, it's been awhile since you had any new reading material." Ben said, as he fiddled with a loose thread on Adam's quilt. Shaunnessey stood near the doorway, looking very uncomfortable.

"Adam there's something I need to discuss with you, it's about the letter Shaunnessey received."

Adam studied his father's face, "You mean the one from her daughter, has something happened?"

Ben face was puzzled for a moment, "Adam there was no letter from her daughter, the letter she received was from California from Sacramento."

Adam looked from one to other, he had no idea what they were trying to tell him.

Shaunnessey moved forward and stood before him "Adam last year after Sara......after she was gone, before I came here. I sent a letter to her husband's family about what happened, I thought they'd want to know."

"So, I mean they obviously didn't, they hated her. She wrote to them when Pete died and they hated her so much they didn't respond then so I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for.......

"Wait a minute are you trying to tell me that letter was from his family?"

"Yes, Adam, that's exactly what we're trying to tell you and it explains a lot of things like why they didn't answer the previous letter about Peter. Why they didn't come then and why..."

Shaunnessey stopped and looked to Ben.

Their eyes met and Ben nodded and turned to his son, "Adam they're coming now, or as soon as travel is possible."

"What for?"

"Well the letter says, to settle things whatever that means." Ben said.

"You mean they want to take Billy is that it? Well, they'll have one helluva fight on their hands." Adam said doggedly.

"Now Son wait a minute we don't know that, why don't we wait and see what they have to say."

Adam turned on Shaunnessey, "Why did you write to them, what gave you the right to do that?"

"Adam wait a minute don't take it out on her, she only did what she thought was right" Ben warned.

Tears sprang to her eyes, "Don't you dare use that tone with me Adam Cartwright, I loved that girl just as you did and I love Billy just as dearly."

"Well, you have a funny way of showing it, she hated them and sure as hell didn't want Billy near them!"

"You don't know that, you didn't talk to her the way I did!"

"How would you know you weren't there all the time?"

Ben stepped in as tempers flared, "Alright, that's enough both of you, we're not going to solve anything tonight. And Adam let's not jump to conclusions here, Shaunnessey simply wanted you to know that's all."

"Well thank you so much Shaunnessey, I don't know how to thank you for this!" Adam said, angrily. He could see his words hurt her but it did little to alleviate the fear that was welling in his stomach.

Shaunnessey left the room before he could see her tears, he was left alone with his father. Adam felt Ben's eyes on him and he turned his back not wanting to face him.

Ben put an arm around his shoulder and squeezed, "Look Adam, I know how much you love Billy, we all do, but we have to remember that he has another family that has a right to see him. After all we're aren't his legitimate family."

"I know all that" Adam said, regrettably.

"Than what do you say we just give them a chance to explain themselves, alright?"

Adam nodded but didn't feel any better about the situation.

"And I would appreciate it if you would think things over and apologize to Shaunnessey tomorrow."

Adam nodded, again, "I will, I'm sorry."

"I know you are Son, now get some sleep and don't fret over this, it'll be alright." Ben said, and slapped him on the shoulder and left him alone.

When he was gone Adam began to pace the room. He had never even thought of the possibility of losing Billy and now here it was. His eyes fell to the floor and there before him lay Billy's tiny shirt. Adam reached to pick it up and sat down in the chair and held it to his face. It smelled like Billy and he closed his eyes, feeling an overwhelming desire to break down in tears.

CHAPTER TWENTY

After months of rain, Spring seemed to break like a new dawn.

The skies cleared and the sun came through bringing a warmth and light that invigorated everyone in it's path.

But with the warmth, the work intensified as well, for many things had been put off until the weather cleared. There was mud everywhere and it still hampered the work that needed to be done on the Ponderosa. Ben had declared it safe to move the cattle

and horses to their summer pastures, now lusciously green and flowing. So his sons did the job and returned home in good spirits, talking loudly of all there was left to do.

Adam was no sooner through the door when his father beckoned him from his work desk.

"Adam could I see you for a moment?"

Adam turned toward his father and removed his hat.

"Hey Pa I wanted to tell you something myself, I'd like to ride on into town today and put up some postings for the branding crew we're gonna need."

"That can wait a moment, Son." Ben said, indicating for him to sit and listen with a gesture of his hand.

Adam made himself comfortable on the corner of his father's desk and gazed at him curiously.

"I just wanted you to know Adam, we've received a telegram from the Worthingtons. They'll be arriving in Virginia City on the twenty seventh of the month."

Adam had known this was coming, "Three weeks" he mused.

Ben saw Adam's face register anxiety and fear.

"Look, Adam, let's just meet with them and see what they have to say. There's no need to bring Billy along until we know what they have in mind. Now what do you say we go ahead and arrange a meeting in town?"

Adam mutely nodded his head, "Go ahead and arrange it." he said, and then rose and left the room.

As no surprise to anyone, Adam became tense and short tempered and his family knew enough to avoid him. Adam found himself avoiding Billy, convinced that the pain of possibly losing him would be that much less.

He ventured into town to look into hiring more men for roundup and unexpectantely ran into Margie. At first the two stared and then quickly floundered for words.

"Oh...uh Adam...how are you?"

Adam pulled his hat off and bowed slightly, "Margie I'm fine, and you?"

"It's been a long time Adam, I've thought of you often, wondered how you were after...........well you know. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry about what happened. It's such a terrible shame about that girl."

Adam felt heat rise to his collar and he cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yes, well I appreciate your concern."

"Oh Adam it's been such a long time, couldn't we have lunch or something?"

Adam glanced around him, it was pretty quiet for the middle of the day so he took her arm "That would be nice Margie, I can't think of anything I'd enjoy more."

Margie blushed with happiness and walked briskly beside him as they crossed the street and entered the restaurant. Once seated Margie reached for his hand and squeezed it.

"It's so good to see you Adam, you look well."

"Thank you Ma'am." he said, with a wink.

Margie began to relax and they talked about whatever came to mind and soon it was as if no time had passed for either of them. They only stopped long enough to eat their meals and before the table was cleared they lapsed back into easy conversation.

"I'd heard that Shaunnessey moved out to the ranch with the baby. We've missed her here in town all winter, no one can quilt like her or bake."

"Yes, I know we've been a bit spoiled out at the ranch."

"How long do you think they'll stay?" Margie asked brightly.

Her innocent question implied something that caught Adam's attention

"They?"

"Why Shaunnessey and the baby, Silly."

Anger suddenly darkened Adam's face, "Well, the fact is, I asked to have Billy at the ranch with me and Shaunnessey came along because she didn't want to be separated from Billy. His name is Billy and he's really not a baby anymore."

"Really Adam you aren't thinking of keeping him are you?"

By the time Margie realized she'd made him angry it was too late to turn back. "Adam, I'm sorry what did I say?"

Adam opened his mouth to respond when a hand grabbed his collar and pulled him to his feet.

Adam came face to face with Jamie Laytham, the same man who'd beaten him badly the year before.

"We couldn't help but overhear that Connor whelp is out at your place, well, you'd be real smart to keep it right there cuz we don't want it in our town you got that?"

"Get your hands off me Laytham and get out of here before I remove you myself."

Laytham laughed loudly drawing the attention of the other patrons, "Well, mister high and mighty, why don't we ask the good townsfolk themselves what they think?"

Margie got hastily to her feet and pulled on Adam's arm. "Adam, please, let's go."

"Yeah, Adam, listen to the woman and do the right thing, go on out to the ranch and do us all a favor and dispose of that kid before he has a chance to grow up into another Connor killer."

"Why don't you do me a favor and crawl back under the rock you came from." Adam said, barely above a whisper.

The room quickly erupted into a full blown fight and people hurried out onto the street while glass shattered and furniture splintered. Margie ran straight for the sheriff's office with tears streaming down her face.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Father and son made the dreaded ride to Virginia City to meet with the Worthington family. Ben stole glances at his son, still sore and bruised after his encounter with Laytham and his friends. He was worried about Adam, worried about what lay ahead for him and the rest of the family. But mostly he was worried about Adam.

As if reading his thoughts, Adam looked over at him and gave a subdued smile. He'd slept little the night before and felt as if he were constantly holding his breath. But he didn't want to worry his father, and after all maybe he was right. Maybe they

just wanted to make sure Billy was in good hands. But the closer they got to town, the less he believed that.

Once in town they saw to their horses and then strolled to the International House to meet the Worthingtons. They were directed to the dining room and Ben scanned the crowd, unsure of exactly who he was waiting for. He glanced around the room and

soon saw a man approaching them. He was a tall distinguished looking man with a wax tipped mustache and a suit that spoke of wealth.

"Mr. Cartwright I presume," he said, before coming to stop before them.

"Yes, that's right and I presume you are Richard Worthington?"

"Yes of course, please join us. My family is seated over here." he said, indicating a table to their left. Adam was so intent on studying Mr. Worthington that Ben had to take his arm and lead him to the dining room. There they were introduced to

three more people.

Richard Worthington introduced Agnes, his wife. She looked up at them through dark lashes and rose to offer her hand.

"Mr Cartwright, it's a pleasure to meet you, your reputation precedes you I must say."

"Well, Mrs. Worthington, if that's intended to be a compliment I thank you."

"You're quite welcome, and who is this young man?"

Ben still held Adam's arm and pulled him gently forward.

"This is my eldest son Adam."

Adam tipped his hat but was unable to produce a smile for the people he perceived as a threat.

"Mr. Cartwright this is my son David and his wife Marie."

Richard Worthington said and the two stood as if by signal and they too fell under Adam's scrutiny.

"Mr. Cartwright would you and your son please sit."

Ben took the offered chair, but Adam stayed behind him.

"I'll stand thank you." he said, flatly.

"Well, to the matter at hand, as my letter explained, we had no knowledge of Peter's death until we returned from our holiday abroad. By the time we knew and were preparing to travel here, the telegram arrived informing us of the girl's fate as well."

"Sara, her name was Sara." Adam interjected, feeling a quick dislike for the man before him.

"Yes, well, be that as it may, we came as soon as possible. Mr. Cartwright I understand that you and your family made arrangements for Peter's burial and I have every intention of reimbursing for your efforts."

"Well, Mr. Worthington, there's really no need for that, we did out of a sense of responsibility to Pete, he was a good loyal worker." Ben explained.

"Yes, well, be that as it may, he was my son regardless of what he'd done and I shall take care of it. Now, about the child what is you need from me?"

Ben frowned, his brow furrowed with confusion "I'm afraid I don't understand the question."

"The child Mr. Cartwright what do you want from us?"

Adam's dislike quickly grew to hate, "Pa let's go we don't have to listen to this, I won't listen to it." he said and turned on his heel.

By the time he reached the sidewalk his father and the entire Worthington family had streamed out behind him. Adam looked to his father.

"Come on Pa, let's go!"

"Adam wait, maybe we should let him finish."

Worthington moved alongside Ben and addressed Adam, as well.

"Now just a minute, young man, how dare you walk out on me that way!"

"I dare because that's obviously the respect you deserve."

"Why you impertinent ........ is this the kind of son you've raised?"

"Mr. Worthington I am trying very hard to be fair and give you the benefit of a doubt, let me remind you my parenting skills are not the issue here." Ben said, evenly.

Adam eyes were on his father but for a moment his glance fell on the family standing on the steps. The young man looked eager to speak, but afraid to do so. And the women kept their eyes downcast, their expressions told Adam everything he needed to know.

Ben took a deep breath before addressing the man again, "Look we came here because we thought you'd be concerned about the welfare of your grandchild and maybe perhaps wanted to see him as well."

"Grandchild!" Worthington snorted, "Surely you jest, my only concern Mr. Cartwright is that you keep the child on this side of the border. I'll pay whatever is necessary, name the price I just want to make sure that Peter's little bastard child doesn't show up in the future trying to collect his share."

Adam lurched forward but Ben expected this and quickly took a firm but gentle grip on his arm.

Like Adam, Ben looked at the rest of the family and what he saw deeply saddened him.

"Well Mr. Worthington, I can see Sara was absolutely right about you. And for the first time I thank God that Billy will never have to lay eyes on you. Good day!"

Ben nodded at the women and young man and thought he saw an almost pleading look on the older woman's face. Angrily he turned and walked quickly away from them. He came to a stop at the horses.

"Can you believe him?" Adam nearly shouted.

Ben shook his head and leaned on the tie rail, and looked back toward the International.

"You know Pa, I've been afraid to hope, to truly believe that Billy could be mine. And now I see that it is possible. I have only one thing left to do and that's to see Hiram and have him draw up the legal paperwork I need to adopt him. That should be the assurance Worthington is looking for that Billy will not try to take his precious money. And I can see now that he won't put up any resistance."

With a look of satisfaction Adam mounted his horse. Once seated he looked down at his father and smiled "He's mine Pa, really mine now."

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

While his family went on a visit to some friends, Adam spent an exhausting day alone with Billy. He was amazed at the energy the child expended during the day, and surprised at how deft he was at getting into trouble. When he wouldn't sit still for a

story Adam decided to take him for a ride, maybe the fresh air would do him good. And there was nothing Billy loved more than a horseback ride. After dressing him warmly he carried him out the door and set him down. Billy took hold of Adam's pinky finger and toddled forward, he knew the way to the barn.

When Adam opened the barn door Rascal bounded out and tore around the yard barking with excitement. Billy found this show very funny and giggled happily at the dog.

"You act like you've been in there for years Rascal" Adam commented with a smile. Rascal rushed at them at the sound of his name and proceeded to vigorously wash Billy's face.

Adam saved him from the impromptu bath by scooping him up in his arms and heading in to the barn. He set Billy down again and walked to his horse. It was difficult to saddle the horse while keeping a constant eye on Billy but he managed it and then called Billy to him. He lifted the boy up again, and led his horse from the stall. Once outside Rascal took up his barking, anticipating the ride ahead. Adam put Billy in the saddle and laughed as the boy bounced in the saddle with excitement. Adam climbed up behind him and clucked to his horse

"Maybe Little Joe's right, maybe you are gonna be a natural horseman"

"Doe?" Billy questioned recognizing the name and looking up at Adam

"Yeah you know who that is don't you?" Adam said and turned to the dog "Come on Rascal let's go"

Sport sidestepped a little but Adam held him still for a moment

"Easy boy we got the baby up here so you take it slow "

The big chestnut seemed to understand and stepped forward calmly and satisfied himself with bobbing his head just a little as they left the yard.

By the time Adam returned he had a sleeping boy in his arms and even the process of dismounting didn't wake him. Adam threw a rein over the tie rail and carried the boy inside and put him in his tiny new bed. Adam stood a moment and watched him and realized with a start that his father probably had the same feelings he was having at that very moment. He quietly left the room and walked out of the house to tend to his horse.

Later as he was leaving the barn he saw a carriage turn the corner and head toward the house. He moved up behind the carriage and eyed the passengers as they halted.

The young man dropped the reins and implored Adam with his eyes "Mr. Cartwright, we wish to have a word with you, may we step down?"

Adam continued to watch them warily but he stepped forward and extended a hand to the young lady. When they stood before him they exchanged a meaningful glance then the man cleared his throat

"Mr. Cartwright, I'd like to first apologize for my father's behavior in town, he really doesn't mean half of what he says. You see it's just that he was humiliated by Peter's marrying that girl and well you understand"

"No I'm afraid I don't" Adam said evenly

"Mr. Cartwright I just wanted you to know that I don't share my father's feelings one way or the other. I loved my brother very much and I was proud of him for breaking away and doing what he did"

"What is it I can do for you?" Adam asked looking from one to the other

He watched the younger woman take her husband's arm as if to give him courage. He cleared his throat again "Mr. Cartwright, we'd like to see the boy"

The couple watched Adam's reaction and held their breath

"Why?" Adam asked suspicion clearly marking his face.

Suddenly the woman spoke up for the first time

"Mr. Cartwright please, we are not the enemy. We were all devastated by Peter's death and horrified to learn of Sara's fate as well. Contrary to what you might think, David's father was terribly shaken by the loss of his eldest son"

Adam made a sound of distaste but she pretended not to hear

"Our reason for coming was to see the boy. I wouldn't blame you for saying no after what happened in town, but I really would like to see him"

Adam lost the tension in his face "He's sleeping" he said

"Mr. Cartwright please?"

Without answering Adam turned toward the house, and with only a moment's hesitation the young couple followed. A torrent of emotions poured through Adam's heart as he led them down the hall and through the door where Billy slept. He barely had the door open when the young lady swept past him, her dress brushing the floor.

She knelt by the bed and was joined by her husband as he took her hand

Adam moved closer not wanting to leave them with him

"Oh David he's beautiful, look at the lovely lashes and dark hair so like Peter's"

David appeared too choked up to speak and Adam saw his wife dab at her eyes with a handkerchief. He felt suddenly uncomfortable and wondered if he should leave them alone. He fought with his conscience and finally whispered

"His name is Billy"

"Oh Marie how peaceful he looks" David breathed

To Adam it seemed they'd never seen a babe sleeping before and her tears made him feel awkward

"We'd better go, he's gonna need his sleep?" Adam said softly

Marie kissed her index finger and touched the boy's cheek "

"Goodbye sweet Billy"

They rose from the bed and left the room. On her way out Marie took Adam's arm, her eyes shone with tears

"Thank you"

Adam fell in behind them and shoved his hands in his pockets as they descended the stairs and walked outside. He waited for them to say something more but they went to the carriage and climbed in. Only when they were seated and David had picked up the reins did he speak

"Mr. Cartwright if it wouldn't be too much to ask, my mother would like to visit him herself, before we leave next week"

"Why didn't she come with you this time?" Adam questioned

David hung his head but Marie answered

"Because her husband forbade it. but she is determined to see the child"

"Well he'll be here if she wants to see him"

David simply nodded and slapped the reins and in moments they were gone.

Adam stood on the porch for a long time trying to make sense of their visit. He didn't have long to ponder before his family rode up. They seemed in high spirits and he had to paste on a smile for their benefit. He wasn't in the mood to discuss the day's events.

He joined them by the fireplace and listened to their stories but his mind was elsewhere. He was thankful when Billy was heard padding up the hall. Adam rushed to the top of the stairs and scooped him up in his arms. He pressed his face against the boy's hair and found it calming. He knew once he joined his family the boy would be stolen away from him and for some reason he felt the need to hold on to him for all he was worth.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

After the Worthingtons visit that day, Adam was literally on edge until he felt enough time had passed and they had returned to Sacramento. Once he felt the crisis had passed he began to relax again.

It had been nearly two weeks when he entered the ranch house after a long hard day. He was looking forward to some rest and relaxation as he settled himself on the sofa. But it wasn't meant to be as his brothers entered the room with Billy in tow

"Adam where ya been, we been waitin' for ya?"

"Well you two were in such a hurry to get home you left me with three teams of horses to tend to remember?"

Hoss blushed visibly "Oh yeah sorry bout that Adam but look here at what we gotta show you" he said excitedly and placed Billy on the floor before him "Okay Billy boy let's show Adam what you can do. Go ahead Joe show him them pictures"

Joe happily obliged, kneeling in front of Billy he opened the book in his hands to a page scattered with an assortment of animals

"Okay Billy, what's this?"

Billy reached out and tapped the page with a tiny finger

"Cat"

"And what's this?"

Joe continued until Billy had correctly identified a handful of animals. Adam was watching with a controlled expression on his face. Joe then closed the book and put a hand to his chest

"Who am I?"

"Doe" Billy replied and clapped enthusiastically

"That's right, what a good boy" Joe and exclaimed in unison as Joe hugged him close. Then the brothers looked at Adam for his reaction

"Oh come on don't tell me you're suprised?"

"Aw Adam come on you didn't know he could do that"

"What d'ya mean who do you think taught him all that?"

"I did" a voice behind them announced. All heads turned to see Shaunnessey enter the room "Just who do you think he spends most of his time with anyway?"

Before anyone could answer there was knock on the door

"I'll get it" Ben called from his desk, eager for the opportunity to get up and stretch his legs

The others returned to their argument over Billy's acquired brilliance. Ben opened the door and caught everyone's attention by the tone of his voice and the name he spoke

"Mrs. Worthington"

Adam quickly got to his feet and joined his father at the door, she wasn't alone

"Mr. Cartwright, may we come in?"

"Oh excuse me, forgive my rudeness please come in"

The others stood up to greet the guests, their faces all wore anxious expressions. Adam stood frozen his stomach was in knots as he watched his father

"Please make yourselves comfortable, may I offer you something to drink, coffee, tea.."

"Some tea would be lovely" Agnes Worthington said

Ben turned his attention to the others

"Tea would be fine thank you"

"Joseph would you ask Hop Sing to heat some water and to make up a tray for our guests"

Joe nodded and left the room with Hoss on his heels

The Worthingtons were watching Billy, now happily amusing himself on the floor. Ben glanced around and realized that everyone but Adam had left.

"You look surprised to see us, didn't my son tell you I wanted to see the boy?" the elder Mrs. Worthington directed her question to Adam

"Yes Ma'am he did but frankly I thought perhaps you'd changed your mind"

"Oh no I assure you Mr. Cartwright I never change my mind about anything"

Adam detected something in her tone of voice but was distracted by Billy pulling on his hand to be picked up. Adam wanted to take him and leave the room but he knew he couldn't do that

"May I?" Marie Worthington asked her hands extended toward Billy

"He's a little shy sometimes" Adam explained and secretly hoped Billy would resist. To his dismay Billy went willingly into her arms and let her hug him.

Ben watched too, her eyes filled with tears as she stroked his hair. She sighed happily and set him on her lap, Billy gazed up at her and smiled

The elder woman touched his hair and smiled too "He's beautiful, he looks just like Peter used to"

Ben stole a glance at Adam, he looked sick the turmoil plainly written on his face

Agnes Worthington took a deep breath as if gaining strength and then turned to Ben "Mr. Cartwright I'll get right to the point, we want to take Billy home with us"

"NO!" Adam was on his feet but Ben was already at his side with a hand on his shoulder

"Just like that, what about your husband? He made it quite clear how he felt about Billy, what kind of life would that be for Billy?" Ben wanted to know

Adam answered for Billy "Exactly the kind of life Sara didn't want for him"

David Worthington stood up "Mr. Cartwright, Marie and I want to raise Billy" he reached to take his wife's hand "The Lord has deemed us unable to have children of our own. You see Billy would be the answer to our prayers. My father's feelings are irrelevant here. Billy would grow up in our home, not his"

"My husband is a bitter man Mr. Cartwright he doesn't mean half of what he says. It hurt him deeply when Peter went against his wishes and turned his back on his family"

"And now he will take that bitterness out on Billy, I'm sorry but I won't allow that" Adam said firmly trying desperately to control the anger in his voice

Agnes Worthington was not so successful "Mr. Cartwright may I remind you that you have no legal say in this. He is rightfully ours and we could take him at anytime choose"

"Well may I remind you that you gave up that right the day you disowned you own son" Adam snapped back

"How dare you--"

Ben interrupted "Now hold on this isn't going to help anyone and let's not expose the boy to this"

"May I take him outside for a walk?" Marie asked eagerly

Ben nodded and Marie took him in her arms. Her eyes glowed as she held him to her chest and kissed his soft cheek "Thank you" she said breathlessly and hurried out to the yard with him

Ben waited for the door to close behind her and turned back

"Mrs. Worthington does your husband know you're here?"

"No he doesn't, we told him we were taking a ride. I thought I best to see you first and to explain our intentions"

Mr. Cartwright I can assure you Billy will be loved"

Adam had become silent, brooding. A dangerous expression darkened his features

"May I ask that you give us some time to discuss this, it is after all rather sudden?" Ben asked his voice calm and kind

Agnes Worthington looked at Adam for a moment and than back at Ben "Of course I understand"

"I'd also like your promise that your husband will be informed of this" Ben said seriously

Mrs. Worthington looked back at Adam before answering "When we return for Billy it will be with my husbands knowledge and cooperation I can promise you that"

Ben thanked her just as Hop Sing entered the room with a tray. With a bow he set in on the coffee table and hurried away. Ben went about pouring the tea for them

"Mr. Cartwright if it wouldn't be too much of an imposition we'd like to stay awhile and spend some time with Billy"

"Of course you're welcome to stay as long as you wish"

Ben could feel Adam's eyes burning into his back but chose to ignore him for the moment. He knew their only option was to be cooperative so that the situation didn't get out of hand

It was beginning to get dark when the Worthingtons finally headed back to town. Hoss went along with them to make sure they got back alright

Ben and Adam stood shoulder to shoulder as the carriage turned the corner of the barn and disappeared, within minutes Adam turned on him

"How could you do this to me?"

"Now Adam wait a minute"

"How could you even consider for one minute turning him over to them?"

"Adam they have every right..."

"Oh please Pa don't talk to me about rights, what about Billy? You said you loved him"

"Oh Adam I do, you know that but that's not the issue here. I can't tell them they can't see him, they're his family no matter what we think of them"

"Well that family as you call it, is exactly what Sara was avoiding. She was exactly right about them and I have no intention of letting him go"

Ben sighed heavily "Adam you're not thinking-if they decide to take Billy, legally there's nothing you can do about it"

Adam eyes narrowed "And you know perfectly well that if I take Billy away I can very easily disappear and no one will ever find us, not even you"

Adam walked away before Ben could protest and he was filled with dread because he knew Adam meant what he said.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Only days after the Worthingtons' visit, Shaunnessey announced that she was leaving. Going to visit her daughters she said, but Ben knew it was more than that. When he pressed her she nearly broke down in tears

"You know as well as I what's gonna happen Ben and I just can't bear it, my heart will break. I love that child as dearly as I loved his mother, I can't stand what's happening and I don't want to be here when they take him away"

She left without ever looking back and Ben knew it was best that way.

But Adam was his biggest worry, since then he'd sunk into an anguished silence. Ben could only guess what was going through his mind as he attached himself to Billy, carrying him unnecessarily and hugging him all the time. Even Billy sensed that something was different and he would whine and pull away from him

Adam was tormented with fear and indecision, he felt cold and hollow inside. Nothing could calm his anxiety for he knew they would be back. He began sleeping with Billy close to him but even his dreams became infested with fear

One night he found himself running through thick dense forest that was black as night. His heart was heavy with fear as he clutched Billy to his chest. He didn't even know what he was running from but he could hear something crashing through the woods behind him getting closer and closer. Billy was crying desperately and Adam was tiring but he had to force himself on.

The forest was getting thicker and the going was much harder when Adam turned he could now see the wolves only feet away. Within minutes they were at his heels and dragging him down. He fought with all his might trying to shield Billy knowing he was the child's only hope. The baby's cries grew louder and more frightened and Adam tried to stay on his feet. Somewhere in the depths of his horror his father's voice reached him

"Adam it's alright let him go we've got him"

Adam was confused for he could still hear Billy's cries and darkness still surrounded him

"Adam let Hoss take him now so he can calm him down, let go now"

Adam fearfully opened his eyes, Billy was gently lifted from his arms. Adam looked up and saw Hoss

"It's okay Adam don't you worry I'll take care of him" he said gently

Adam turned to his father full of remorse and shame "I'm sorry I must've been dreaming. I didn't mean to scare him"

Ben sat down on the bed next to him and put a comforting arm around his shoulder "I know Son, but what do you say we leave him in his own bed from now on okay?"

Mutely he nodded his head, he felt sick all over again and could feel a trembling in his gut.

"There were wolves chasing us we were in thick woods and they grabbed me and started dragging us down and I..." Adam faltered and looked to his father, his eyes were black from the widening of his pupils

Ben made no comment, only held him a little tighter and pulled his head against his shoulder, wanting to comfort him somehow.

"I can't loose him Pa, it'll kill me I know it will. I've lost so many already I can't do it anymore. Don't let them take him away from me Pa, I can't loose him" Adam said doggedly

There's nothing I can do Adam, I would do anything to keep him for you but I'm powerless . You must know what I would do to keep you from being hurt, I love you so much. But this is one of those things that I can't prevent and I'd rather die then see you go through this. Ben wanted to say but he couldn't, instead he stayed close to him and prayed that Adam already knew

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Adam was working in the barn when he heard the unmistakable sound of a carriage coming into the yard. He glanced down at Billy sitting on the ground playing with the wooden animals Hoss had made for him. Adam had to resist the temptation to scoop Billy up and run with him

Rascal bounded out of the barn and headed for the carriage barking furiously. Adam stole a glance outside and saw with relief that it was Margie climbing down from the carriage. He blew out his breath and retrieved Billy from the floor

"Come on Billy let's go see Margie"

Billy surprised him with a very forceful "No!"

Adam chuckled at this, it was his newest accomplishment and he used it often "Well I say yes, you little bug"

He squinted as he moved out into the bright sunlight and called out to Margie who was now walking toward the house

"Excuse me Miss are you looking for anyone in particular?"

Margie turned sharply and a smile brightened her face "Why yes as a matter of fact I am" she said and stood waiting for him. Adam stopped before her and planted a kiss on her cheek "It's nice to see you Margie"

"You too Adam, I was rather worried about you, I haven't seen you in so long"

"Well as you know my last few visits to town weren't exactly the most pleasant experiences"

"Look at Billy, oh Adam he's grown so much"

"I know it's amazing how much he's changed"

Margie smiled and reached out to straighten the child's unruly hair "Hello young Billy how are you?"

"No!" he shouted happily

"He says that all the time lately, I have a feeling my youngest brother taught him that one" Adam explained

Margie stood looking at Billy for a time and then looked up at Adam, she looked almost sad "Adam I wanted to apologize, I should've understood what he means to you"

"Sometimes I don't understand myself Margie, all I can say is I was there when he took his first breath and opened his eyes. He looked at me as if he'd known me all along it was the most incredible thing I'd ever experienced Margie" Adam paused his eyes became troubled "I suppose you know the Worthington's are here to take him away?"

"The whole town knows Adam, to tell you the truth that's the real reason I came out to see you"

"And what is the opinion of the good townspeople, that I should turn him over?"

"Only the usual troublemakers, Adam you know how they are. But you're real friends will support you and be there for you"

"Does that include you?" Adam said his eyes sought hers

"Well I'd like to believe I'm a little more than a friend Adam"

The corners of his mouth turned up just a little and he took her hand "You are and I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you, I know it hasn't been easy"

"That's alright I'm tough I can take it"

Adam face grew suddenly serious again and he looked at Margie with such intensity that she felt a shudder run through her

"Margie I have to ask you something, something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. But now it's more complicated I'm not even sure it would be fair to ask you.."

Margie squeezed his hand, her stomach fluttered "Ask me Adam, it's alright"

Adam dropped his eyes momentarily as if gathering his nerve

"Margie I've wanted to ask you for a long time to be my wife. But now it could mean moving away, perhaps moving often, but more importantly it could mean..." he hesitated afraid of what she might say, afraid of losing her too "More importantly it could mean asking you to love someone else's child"

Her answer was to embrace them both "Oh Adam I have more than enough love for you both, I would be happy wherever you were. And no matter what I would follow you because you would be my life, you and Billy"

Adam felt weak with relief and hugged her to him "Margie you don't know what this means to me, I never dreamed I could have you both"

Billy chose that moment to want to get down, Adam and Margie laughed and set him down then quickly embraced again "Are you sure Margie?" Adam asked

"Why Adam I'd have to be loco to turn down the Prince of the Ponderosa wouldn't I?"

"The what?"

Margie felt her cheeks redden "Oh never mind it's just something the ladies in town came up with"

Adam looked as if he was going to press her for more but he didn't. Jubilant, he picked her up and swung her around him then kissed her softly. He kissed her again this time more it was more intense. The kiss quickly escalated and the two became lost in the moment. Adam felt alive for the first time in a long time and all his passions came to the surface again with the overwhelming love he felt for this woman. She had given him back something he'd thought was lost, she'd given him hope.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Adam went to town with his father for supplies, at Ben's insistence. He wanted him off the ranch and away from Billy at least for a short while. Adam had argued but to no avail, he tried to tell his father it wouldn't be good for Billy as he was still missing Shaunnessey, often standing outside her room and calling her. But Ben would not hear of it and so Adam went with him, sulking all the way.

He was quiet while loading the wagon and nearly had it finished when Ben came up behind him and slapped him on the back

"Look Adam you think you can manage the rest of this? I want to take a walk to the post office and pick up our mail"

Adam straightened up and pulled a kerchief from his pocket to wipe the sweat from his face "Yeah I'm fine, the sooner we head home the better"

"You sure you don't want to stop for a beer and hang around awhile?" Ben asked with a mischievous grin

"Pa I already told you I just want to get home" Adam protested and then realized his father was teasing him and he actually smiled

"I'll be back in a few minutes gloomy gus" Ben kidded

Adam replaced the kerchief and was still smiling when he went back inside for more crates. He stacked two and turned around nearly colliding with Gary Laytham

"So Cartwright, talk in town is you finally smartened up and are handing that pup over those rich folks"

Adam's jaw tightened and he gripped the handles on the crates harder, then quickly brushed past Laytham. Laytham followed him outside

"We all knew you was gonna do the right thing Cartwright"

"Laytham you better back off right now"

"Now look Adam there ain't no call to riled here. I just come to tell you that there's no hard feelings is all and we forgive ya for what's past"

"You don't know the meaning of forgiveness so why don't you go crawl back into your hole"

Laytham's face darkened with anger "You watch your mouth Cartwright I done overlooked a lot of things you done but I could change my mind real quick like"

They nearly came to blows but Ben stepped between them "Adam you got that wagon loaded?"

"You better watch your step young Cartwright cause you got one chance to make it right" Laytham warned as he stepped off the sidewalk

Adam surged forward but his father held him until Laytham was well away. Adam pulled himself free as soon as Ben loosened his grip "He's been asking for it you should've let me go"

Ben blew out his breath and followed his son back into the store, he knew it would do no good to talk to him now.

Within a half hour Adam drove the wagon down the hilly street toward home. He heard a female voice calling to him and stopped to see if it was Margie, instead he found Marie running toward him

He wished his father hadn't been sitting next to him because he would've liked to ignore her. She came up to the side of the wagon and held on puffing and out of breath "Adam I'm so glad you heard me" she managed "Would it be alright....if David and I came to see Billy again?"

Adam was trying to think of a way to turn her down but Ben answered for him "Mrs. Worthington may I ask if your father in law has been informed of what's happening yet?"

"Yes he knows, Mother told him three days ago"

"And what was his reaction if I could be so bold to ask?"

Marie Worthington dropped her eyes "He wasn't very happy I'm afraid, he and David had a terrible argument. But then David told him he didn't care what his father had to say about it, that we were taking Billy home regardless" she looked up at Ben then her eyes bright and earnest "He told David if he went through with it he'd take away his inheritance. David told him to go ahead and do whatever he felt necessary, that it wouldn't change our minds. Mr. Cartwright that is the first time David has ever stood up to that man"

"I'm impressed" Adam mocked, Ben reached over and put a hand on his leg and squeezed

"Mrs. Worthington you're welcome to come out to the Ponderosa anytime" Ben told her but her eyes were on Adam as if she were looking for some kind of consent from him but there was none forthcoming. Without waiting for her to move he picked up the reins and urged the horses on. Ben looked back and saw Marie still standing there, she looked small and sad.

The two men rode for some time lost in their own thoughts.

Adam could tell his father was brewing something up in his mind.

Ben was indeed thinking long and hard about the situation with Billy for something had occurred to him that he hadn't thought of before. It was Adam's encounter with Laytham that was on his mind now. When he finally spoke up it was with some reservation

"Adam I want to say something about Billy and what would be best for him"

"I know it isn't life with the Worthingtons already"

"Do you? Have you watched that young couple with him, I mean really watched them?"

Adam frowned "Look Pa this is my...."

"Your decision yes I know so you've told me. But I have something to say on this and I would appreciate your hearing me out. After that I promise you I won't say another word on the subject or interfere in any way"

Adam glanced at him for just a moment and then looked ahead again "Alright I'm listening"

"Thank you, now the objective that we all have if what's best for Billy right? Well let's look at both sides than and with an open mind. There's no question that we all love Billy, and you boys know in your hearts that the Ponderosa is a wonderful place for a boy to grow up. Why Billy would have not only all the material advantages we could provide but the constant love and support of all of us"

"I don't see what's wrong with that" Adam said promptly

"Nothing, nothing at all. But, what happens when Billy is older, when he's old enough to go to school? What happens when Billy begins to venture into town on his own? Now you're a smart man Adam, how long will it take Laytham and the others like him to forget that Billy's mother was a Connor, that Billy carries his uncle's blood within him?"

Adam gripped the reins tighter, he didn't want to hear anymore

"How many times will Billy have to come home bloodied from a fight before he can hold his head up?" Ben asked and watched Adam struggle with the truth, a truth none of them had seen before "I know you love Billy Adam, but you can't be with him all the time and you can't keep him from having encounters like the one you had today with Laytham. If he's going to make a life here he'll have to stand on his own two feet. As much as you wanted him to have all the advantages of life in this territory,

of being a Cartwright, the fact is there are those who will deny him that. And the fact is he isn't a Cartwright and the whole town knows it, he's a Connor and a Worthington. Unfortunately the Worthington name is lost here, in the scars of the Connor legacy"

Adam knew there was no good answer "I could go away with him and give him a new life wherever we wanted. I already discussed it with Margie, we could begin just the way you did"

Ben frowned "Adam I wasn't hiding you away and on the run from your real family. What kind of life would that be, looking over your shoulder all the time. What about Margie and her family, is she really willing to never seem them again? And what happens when Billy starts asking questions, what will you tell him?"

It was difficult to watch Adam's reactions to his questions but he knew he had to do it. He didn't want his son to someday look back and regret his decision in the end. Adam looked very lost and Ben wanted desperately to comfort him but he wasn't finished yet, he had to deliver the final blow

"What about the Worthingtons Adam, can they offer Billy love, the same love and security that we've given him? Do you really believe in your heart that they would do anything to harm him in any way? Marie said her husband was willing to cut off ties to his father in order to have Billy, that should tell you everything you need to know about them. And most importantly as a Worthington Billy could hold his head up with pride, have the love and support of two wonderful people and be a real family"

"And what about the upright Richard Worthington, he'll do anything to disown Billy, just as much as Laytham would" Adam reminded him

"Adam I'm usually a pretty good judge of character and I don't believe that. I'll agree that he's a bitter man but I think he's going to have to face facts someday. Until he does he won't have a place in Billy's life. The others have already fallen in love with him, I have a feeling Richard Worthington will come around in time"

Adam's face drained, not only of all color but of all hope. The blow came hard, so hard that he pulled the horses up and dropped his hands in his lap and stared at the ground

Ben put an arm around him "Listen to me Son, when you make this decision you can't make it because of how you feel or what you want. You have to look at the whole picture and figure out what is truly best for Billy and decide where he truly belongs"

Ben wasn't sure he'd heard but Adam nodded his affirmation and said quietly "You're right Pa, I have to do what's right for Billy" he said as if all was settled and then picked up the reins again

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

The young Worthingtons continued to visit often and occasionally the elder Mrs. Worthington joined them. Ben made a point of watching them with Billy, and found their love and interest to be genuine.

Adam on the other hand rarely stuck around when they were there, finding the situation unbearable. The truth was each visit put a strain on the entire family and this concerned Ben. He knew that a decision had to be made soon

The announcement came after a long summer day of endless work.

The family returned home to find the Worthingtons waiting when they entered the house. Adam felt his stomach tremble and sicken and he sat down unsure if his legs would hold him.

Joe nodded at the guests but quickly excused himself from the room, Hoss soon followed. Adam looked to his father, their eyes met and Ben tried to smile. He then looked at the faces around him. Billy was by his father's desk playing with his animals and jabbering in his little singsong way, he didn't want to take his eyes off him

"Adam" David began "We waited for you to return so that we could tell you face to face. We'll be leaving for Sacramento on Friday-with Billy"

Adam's eyes were still on Billy but he knew they were waiting for him to say something. He looked at them then and when Ben saw his face, it reminded him of a cornered animal. Adam was trying to appear unaffected by their words

"Adam we want to be sure you understand how much we've come to love Billy. He will be loved and cherished as no other child before" Marie said

You couldn't possibly love him more than I do. You have no idea how this is destroying me. You'll tear my heart out with him when you take him away from me, you have no idea what you're doing to me. Adam coughed into his fist

"So you've made up your minds?"

"Yes we have" David reported "We'll be honest with you Adam, it is not with my father's blessing but that matters little to us. I'm a prosperous man in my own right, we'll be just fine without him"

Adam wondered if that was somehow supposed to make him feel better. Marie reached out to put a hand over his. Adam resisted the urge to pull away.

"Adam we would really like to know we have your blessing in this. We know what Billy means to you and how difficult this must be for you"

"Well he's your nephew, what right do I have to try to stop you. Like my father says he's a Worthington not a Cartwright"

Only Ben noticed the how hollow he sounded as David and Marie exchanged relieved smiles "Thank you Adam this means so much to us" Marie gushed

The couple rushed to Billy's smile and hugged him enthusiastically "Did you hear my darling you're going home with us very soon"

Adam got to his feet "Well if you'll excuse me I have some things to do"

The couple didn't notice his exit and reluctantly left Billy to play "Well we should be getting back ourselves Marie"

Marie hugged Billy again and kissed the top of his head "Good bye my darling, be a good boy"

Billy smiled up at her and waved a chubby fist "Bye, bye" he said.

The couple turned to Ben "Thank you Mr. Cartwright we'll be out to pick Billy up on Thursday morning if that's alright"

Ben rose to shake hands with David "That's fine" he said and then escorted them to the door. He turned around to see Hoss and Joe watching him "Keep an eye on Billy for a few minutes"

Ben stood on the porch looking around the yard when a noise from the bunkhouse caught his attention. He stepped through the door and found Adam sweeping the floor. Ben leaned on the door frame and watched him for a moment

"What are you doing?"

Adam kept up his sweeping "Nothing...I just thought I'd straighten up in here before the hands get here"

"I thought Hop Sing had done that already?"

Adam stopped moving, with a sigh he sat down heavily on one of the bunks. Ben moved to stand next to him by the bunks

"Adam I know how you feel" Ben began

"No you don't" Adam flared "How could you? No one ripped us away from you, how could you or anyone else possibly know what I feel?" he demanded

"Adam I only meant...this is about Billy"

Adam jumped to his feet "Don't you think I know that? What do you think goes through my mind every minute of every day. Well maybe I'm selfish, what about me Pa, what about me?"

Ben put a hand on his shoulder but Adam brushed him away

"Don't stand there and tell me you know how I feel, you can't begin to understand what I'm feeling. This is my pain so don’t act like you know what's it like because you don't. You can't fix it for me so stop trying, I don't need your help"

Ben reached for him again, responding to the tremor in his son's voice, but Adam backed away.

"Why can't you leave me alone Pa" he shouted and hurried out the door slamming it behind him.

When he was gone Ben sat on the bunk behind him and buried his face in his hands

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Adam did not sleep Wednesday evening, he spent the night packing Billy's things and sitting by his bed watching him sleep. He felt numb when he reached out to smooth Billy's hair over and over. There was so much he wanted to tell him but so little he would understand. He wondered if he would ever get the chance to tell him when he was older

Adam looked skyward, how he wished somehow that he could be sure he was doing the right thing. Would Sara ever forgive him for this?

He wanted so much to take the child in his arms and kiss and hold him and never let him go. He satisfied himself by putting his hand lightly over Billy's chest. The rise and fall of the tiny chest had a calming effect on Adam. Wearily he layed his head on his arm and drifted off to a troubled slumber.

When morning came a few hours later, Adam quietly gathered Billy's things and carried them downstairs. He put everything by the front door and went to join the others already at the table. He could feel his father watching him but he didn't care.

Silence surrounded them as they attempted to eat breakfast, but no one was hungry.

"I'm gonna get Billy up and ready" Adam said emotionless

"You're really gonna do this aren't you?" Joe asked looking from his father to his brother. He'd kept silent as long as he could

Adam had half risen from his seat and met the burning intensity of his brother's stare

"Joseph" Ben interceded

"How can you do even think of handing him over to those jerks"

"Joe don't do this to me" Adam said with rising anger

Joe slammed his hands on the table and scattered silverware. Hoss too, got to his feet "This is wrong Pa, it's all wrong"

"Stop this now they're here" Ben warned alerted to the sound of horses arriving in the yard. Adam rushed up the stairs and woke Billy. He took his time washing and dressing him and then stood at the window. He saw his father still out there talking to them.

"It's time to go Billy" Adam muttered

"Bye, bye?" Billy questioned

Adam didn't look at him when he answered "Yes Billy, bye, bye"

He felt empty as he walked into the hall and down the stairs.

At the bottom he found his brothers waiting for them

Hoss cleared his throat uncomfortably "Adam me and Joe want a chance to say goodbye to him if it's alright"

Adam handed Billy over to them and decided to leave them alone

"They're waiting" he said

"Yeah we know, they're just gonna have to wait aren't they" Joe snapped

Adam shrugged, he felt strange, as if he were moving in slow motion.

"Adam you alright?" he heard Hoss ask him

Adam half laughed "Yeah I'm fine, bring him outside when you fellas are ready"

Adam retrieved Billy's things and brought them outside and set them down on the porch. He stood next to his father and nodded acknowledgment to the Worthingtons

"Where's Billy?" Marie asked somewhat concerned

"My brothers wanted a few minutes to say goodbye to him in private, I hope you don't mind" Adam explained

His voice was very calm and it caught Ben's attention as he turned to look at his son

"Do you have time for tea?" Adam asked

"Oh no thank you really, we have a long trip to prepare for"

As they were talking Adam looked over their heads and saw a rider approaching rapidly

"Agnes wait I can't let you go through with this" the man shouted

Adam felt his heart leap, it was Richard Worthington himself. Maybe just maybe he could put a stop to this whole thing, Adam thought hopefully

Worthington joined his family and turned on his son "David I've asked you not to go through with this, do you realize what you're risking by taking this action against my wishes?"

"I don't care Father, this is not your worry. Do what you must but Marie and I are taking him home with us"

"David be reasonable how could you even consider raising this child, how will you raise him?"

"He's my brother's son and your grandson whether you like it or not. We will raise him with love Father, do you remember what that is or did what little you had left die with Peter?"

"How dare you talk to me like that young man, how dare you"

"I dare Father because I know longer recognize the man before me. You've become callous, bitter man so much so that your own family no longer knows you"

"He's right Richard I've considered..." Agnes Worthington began but everyone turned at the sound of the door opening. Hoss stood holding the door open and within minutes Billy appeared on the porch. He walked to Adam and pulled on his hand

"Bye, bye Da dum?" he asked in his biggest voice

Adam knelt down and tried to answer him but his throat was closed tight. He pulled Billy to him and felt his eyes stinging with tears

A strange sound turned his head and he saw Richard Worthington coming toward them and staring at the child. He knelt down before them, his face registered shock at the sight of the child

"My God" he gasped "he looks like Peter, he looks just like Peter Agnes"

"I know Richard" she answered softly

Richard Worthington's face crumbled and tears filled his eyes, his wife went to his side and put her arms around him. He extended his arms to Billy and the boy went to him. Wracking sobs shook him as he clutched the child to his chest

"Oh Peter I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry please forgive me Son. I didn't mean what I said, I loved you so much, please forgive me"

Billy looked up at Adam, he was confused but true to his nature he patted his grandfather's head "No ty" he soothed just as others had always done for him

When the time came for the Worthingtons to leave Adam held his breath. He had Billy in his arms and when Marie pulled him from his grip he felt his breath pulled away too.

He stood stone faced as the Worthingtons climbed into their carriage and settled into the seats. Marie held Billy on her lap and he quickly turned around looking for Adam. Spotting him he stretched out his arms and called to him

"Da dum bye bye"

Adam was frozen into immobility, he couldn't breath properly. Billy seemed to suddenly realize what was happening and began to cry, still reaching for Adam calling "Da dum's babee Da dum's ba bee"

He continued his cries over and over as the carriage rolled away and disappeared. Adam closed his eyes but could still hear him long after he was out of sight

"He's gonna be alright" Adam heard his father say at his shoulder. Ben reached out to touch him, Adam flinched as if it hurt him. He wanted to run, scream and pull at his hair but he didn't move, he couldn't move.

"Adam"

"Pa don't...don't say anything, please don't say anything"

Adam whispered through gritted teeth

Defeated Ben turned and left him alone, nothing he could say would help him. Only time would help, he knew that.

Adam still stood there hours later, he could still hear Billy calling him. Even when the rain began to fall, it didn't drown out the sound of Billy's cries that echoed in his mind. Later when darkness fell over the ranch house no one heard Adam ride away.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Ben Cartwright lay awake in the darkness of his room and listened to the sounds of night. It wasn't the summer heat that robbed him of his sleep, but rather the concern he had for his eldest son.

No one had heard anything from him in the weeks since his disappearance. Ben had half expected a telegram from the Worthingtons saying Adam had taken Billy but it didn't arrive.

He was surprised at the depth he himself missed Billy and could only imagine what Adam was going through. Where could he be and what was he doing, he wondered again? Why hadn't he sent some kind of word, didn't he know his family would be worried about him?

Ben shifted position again, and a nagging thought hit him. What if Adam blamed him for the loss of Billy? It was then he realized that Adam might not ever come home.

As Ben tossed and turned in his bed that night, Adam rode onto the Connor homestead. He wearily dismounted his horse and led him to the barn. Once inside he searched his coat for a match. Finding them he lit the lantern and waited for his eyes to adjust to the light.

He was somewhat surprised to find the barn in good shape as he led his horse into a tie stall. He untied the cinch knot and with his arms aching swung the saddle over the side of the stall. He went outside for water and then to the loft for hay. Once his horse was settled and munching on hay, he headed for the house

He was tired, more tired then he could ever remember. He'd been on the trail since the day he left the ranch, with no destination in mind. For a brief period he considered going after Billy and taking him back. But in his heart he knew his father had been right all along.

The thought of his father made him pause, how he wished he were here now. He needed to talk to him, to hear his voice and have his reassurance. He wanted to go home but didn't feel ready not yet.

Not knowing where else to go he found himself here, walking in the front door of Sara's house. Once inside he easily found the lamp. Once it was lit he turned it up and looked around the room. He'd not been back since the day Sara died, but could see someone had been there and cleaned the cabin. He vaguely wondered who it could have been. As he was looking around his eyes came to the sofa and a cold chill went through him. He'd left Sara sitting there that fateful day and as he was thinking about he heard the shot again. Startled he backed up several steps and stared. He waited for his breathing to return to normal and realized he'd only imagined it. No one was there, only silence was with him. The light from the lantern cast eerie shadows around the room and as tired as he was he thought it best to leave the room.

He wandered past the fireplace and into the next room. It was a room he knew well for he'd spent countless hours rocking Billy to sleep. In the corner sat the rocking chair and Adam went to it like a long lost friend. He sat down and began to rock it slowly, it creaked with the movement and Adam closed his eyes. He tried to remember what it felt like to hold Billy in his arms, it seemed so long ago

When he opened his eyes again the room was flooded with sunlight. He rubbed his eyes, he was still tired and his stomach grumbled with hunger. He wondered if there was anything in the house to eat. He straightened his long legs in front of him and stretched his arms over his head. Everything hurt as he got to his feet but his hunger was getting the best of him. He was nearly out the door when something on the shelf caught his eye. He stopped and reached out with a trembling hand for the familiar book, Sara's journal.

Forgetting his hunger he sat back down in the rocking chair and looked at the book for a long time. He felt almost guilty when he finally opened the cover and began to read.

By the time he finished, the sun was well up in the sky and the temperature had risen considerably. Adam hardly noticed the heat or anything else while he read. It was only when he finished and looked around that he noticed time had passed. Feeling more drained than ever, he to his feet and walked outside for some air.

Standing on the porch he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The shock of it propelled him off the porch to check it out. His heart was racing as he looked down at a freshly dug grave. His first thought was Billy but it didn't make any sense.

Confused and curious he looked for some kind of clue but there was only a small cross marking the grave. Unable to look anymore he turned away.

He was walking back to the house when he heard a horse coming in fast. He turned around and saw his youngest brother ride in and pull his horse to a skidding stop.

Joe's face first registered shock and then joy at seeing his brother alive and well. Adam tried to think of something to say but couldn't bring himself to speak.

He turned around again and Joe jumped off his horse, threw a rein over the fence and fell in beside him. They reached the house together and Adam sat down on the steps, Joe followed suit.

Though Joe had many things he wanted to say, he didn't

He sat wishing, as he had so many times before, that he and Adam had the kind of open communication he shared with Hoss. He snuck a few sidelong glances at his brother and realized he didn't look all that well after all

"You okay?" Joe finally asked, unable to keep silent

"No, not really" Adam answered seriously

"Oh" Joe said, and was quiet again. He wracked his brain trying to think of something to say, something that would make a difference and maybe even help. This was his brother who could always make him feel better, why couldn't he do the same for Adam?

"I've been riding around for days, not really going anywhere just riding aimlessly and stopping wherever I happened to be at nightfall. I've been trying to make sense of what's happened and keep asking myself why, I haven't been able to come up with anything, nothing at all"

Joe listened to his brother and figured that was the best thing he could do for him now

"At some point I headed back this way and ended up here. I meant to go home but I don't know......I ended up here"

Adam didn't say anymore for a minute or say then looked at his brother "That reminds me what are you doing here?"

"I don't know, Hoss and I were out here last week and then I got thinking about you today and wondering about where you were and if you were alright..."

"Wait a minute why were you and Hoss here last week?"

Joe hesitated, he didn't know if he should say anything. Adam had been gone so long already. "Well Adam you see after Billy left we c-c-couldn't find Rascal" he silently cursed the stutter that only surfaced when he was nervous and that he knew was a dead give away to Adam "We looked for days a-a-and we found only found him last week. Hoss figured he must'a got into some traps or something.....anyway we buried him here last week over there. It just seemed to be the right place. I-I-I I'm sorry Adam"

Adam got up and went to the grave, when he looked at it, it seemed to symbolize all that had happened. It wasn't only the death of Rascal but the loss of Billy too.

Joe stood at his shoulder and saw Adam's pain "Don't worry about Billy Adam he's gonna be okay"

Adam looked at Joe as if he hadn't noticed him before, he realized he was glad he was there. He thought about Joe as a little boy and that made him think of Billy.

"Sure he is Joe, after all he's got a new Mama named Marie" he said putting an arm over his shoulder

Joe saw the hint of a smile on his brother's face and he too broke out in a grin and wrapped an arm around Adam's waist. He knew then that Adam would be alright

"Adam let's go home now"

"Tell you what Buddy, you go on home and tell Pa I'll be there tonight, I have to go talk to Margie about our future"

"You got it Adam, Pa's been real worried"

"Well you tell him not to worry for me, now get on out of here"

Joe did as he was told and pulled the bridle rein free and leaped on his horse with the grace of a gazelle

"See ya tonight big brother" he called and galloped off with Adam waving after him.

CHAPTER THIRTY

It was after dark when Adam finally rode onto the ranch and later still when he made it to the house. He saw the lantern burning in the parlor and knew his father was waiting for him. He led his horse into the barn and took care of him before heading inside. He stopped just outside the door and took a deep breath before opening the door

As soon as Adam got inside Ben jumped up from his chair and came forward to greet him. Ben was ecstatic to see him but he did his best to contain himself

"You alright Son?"

"Yeah I'm okay, just real tired"

"You want something to eat I can heat it back up for you?"

"No I'm okay, where's Hoss and Joe?"

"They've gone to bed it's after ten"

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry I'm so late" Adam apologized and went to the parlor to sit down. Ben joined him sitting on the chair facing him

"So how did things go with Margie?" Ben asked

"Not too good I'm afraid, she said we needed to take a break. That maybe we'd been rash and had to be sure that we decided to get married for the right reasons" Adam said his voice regretful

"I'm sorry Son"

"Well she's probably right anyway Pa, I was thinking of one thing when I asked her and that was holding on to Billy" Adam's face changed slightly at the mention of his name. He hadn't said it out loud for a long time and was surprised at how much it still hurt. He felt his resolve sliding away, here at home with his father there was no need to hold himself together. He could fall apart and his father would be there to catch him.

Ben instinctively joined him on the sofa and put his arm protectively over his shoulder. He could feel the tension as Adam rubbed his face trying to gain control of his emotions

"I'm sorry Pa, it still hurts so much, I thought I was okay"

"It's okay, you're home now that's all that matters"

Adam rubbed at his eyes now stinging with tears, he didn't want to cry, he hated how it made him feel and yet his eyes filled with force. He kept trying to stop the flow but it was useless

"Why does everyone I love have to leave me?"

Ben felt his son's anguish and leaned back on the sofa taking Aam with him. What could he say, it was something he'd sought an answer to himself more than once

"Not everyone Adam, I'm not going anywhere"

Adam pressed his face against his father's shoulder too distraught to speak

"Adam I'm not going to tell you it's ever gonna stop hurting because it probably won't. But you will laugh again and feel joy again, in time. You have to believe that everything works out in the end and life goes on and no matter what the sun comes up again"

Adam didn't respond until he felt calmer "Did Joe tell you where I was?"

"Yes, yes he did"

"Well while I was out there I found something, it was Sara's journal. You used to have one yourself remember?"

Ben nodded thankful that Adam was willing to talk to him

"Well I read it, especially the last part, her last entry. I think I read that at least a hundred times. She wrote about me mostly. She had a dream for Billy, she wanted him to be free of the turmoil she'd known most of her life. She wanted him to know the love of a stable family as she put it. She wanted him to have friends and to see places she'd never seen. She hoped he'd have opportunities she'd never known herself. She said she had a dream that Billy could hold his head up and be proud of who he was and that he could have the respect of others. Mostly she wanted him to feel safe, something she desperately wanted to feel herself. She said she'd given up hope for these things, until she met me. When she was with me she thought those dreams could come true and that I could make them happen. See I was her last hope Pa, and I was the one who destroyed that hope. She'd written, that all the pain and suffering she'd endured, was worth it if I was the end result. I was the one who could provide Billy with the future she wanted for him, I was the one"

Adam stopped and looked at his father expectantly "Don't you see Pa, it was my fault"

Ben shook his head "No Adam it wasn't your fault and you did exactly what she wanted"

Adam looked puzzled "No I didn't"

"Yes you did, don't you see? You gave Billy all the opportunities she wanted for him. The loving family and the security. The pride in his name and himself, he will have all that and he will have it thanks to you"

"What about Sara, it'll be like she never existed?"

"Well Son, that's where you come in, when Billy's older that journal you told me about will be invaluable to him and you're the one who should give it to him, along with your own memories of her"

Adam still appeared somewhat stunned as Ben went on "Adam listen to me, Marie asked me not to say anything to you until I thought you were ready to hear it. I think you're ready now"

Adam raised his head and waited, for what he thought was more bad news

"Marie and David want you to be Billy's Godfather, they're gonna have the ceremony next month. You see Son, Billy isn't completely lost to you after all. How much he remains a part of your life is up to you now. He isn't so far away that you can't stay an influence in his life. The Worthingtons made it clear they want that for Billy and you and as the saying goes, it's now your move"

Ben waited for Adam to respond, he seemed to be mulling things over "I would love to see him again but he's gonna need time to adjust to his new family. It'll be hard at first"

"Yes it probably will be hard to leave him behind again but it's far better than never seeing him again right?"

Adam nodded and Ben noticed some color had returned to his face "My biggest fear is that he'll forget me, I don't want to be a stranger to him"

"Well Adam you're the only one who can keep that from happening"

"I know, I won't let it happen"

"So what do you say we plan a family trip to Sacramento next month?"

Adam looked to his father and smiled "I'm looking forward to it Pa, and now I know that Billy will always be there whenever I want to see him"

Ben leaned forward and pressed his lips to Adam's forehead, he knew the worst was over. He started to get to his feet

"I better get to bed it's been a long day for all of us"

Adam gripped his hand and held on "Pa don't leave me......not yet--just stay a few more minutes please "

Ben was caught off guard momentarily but he sat back down and made himself comfortable. Relishing the closeness, he stayed by his son's side long after Adam drifted off to sleep. For he knew that this was for now, and there was no always.

THE END

*THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO MARGIE JOHNSON AND ALL MY OTHER AUSSIE MATES THAT MADE MY VISIT TO LAKE TAHOE THE MEMORY IT WAS!

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