Silent Audience
A “What Happened Next” Story
For the Episode “The Honor of Cochise”
By Meira Bracha
August 2002
…Pain. That’s all there is, pain. I don’t remember ever feeling
this awful. No, actually I don’t remember when I didn’t feel like this.
It seems to have been going on forever. Why doesn’t it go away?
Why doesn’t anyone help me? Are they all over there shooting?
At whom? Am I shot? Am I GUT shot? Then I’m probably done
for. Pa…where are you?….
It was beginning to seem as if the army doctor’s prognosis might have been
more a reflection of his overconfidence than a realistic assessment of the
situation. Adam’s father and brothers had been so relieved to hear the
words, “I can pull him through, sir.” Indeed, the physician had immediately
and competently tackled the task of removing the bullet that had lodged deep
in Adam’s abdomen. He had even managed to sew up a bowel perforation
before closing the wound and applying a bandage. But shock, infection,
and blood loss, all compounded by dehydration, combined into a triple threat
on the oldest Cartwright son’s life.
…Oh, this is worse than when they were ignoring me.
Why is this man torturing me? Doesn’t he know it already hurts there
more than I can stand? Oh Lord….
The doctor remained with Adam at the campsite where the standoff with the
Apaches had taken place. With Ben’s and Hoss’s assistance he forced
as much water though his patient’s lips as possible, changed the dressing
at regular intervals, and applied wet cloths to reduce Adam’s raging fever.
Adam alternated between states of pain-wracked semi-consciousness and complete
oblivion.
It took a full day for Joe, borrowing the doctor’s horse, to round up their
spooked horses, and another day for him to ride to the Ponderosa and return
with the buckboard. The doctor decided that the benefits of getting
Adam home and in bed where he could better be cared for outweighed the risk
of a long and jarring wagon ride.
Once they were home, Dr. Martin assumed responsibility
for the injured man’s care. When Ben observed that Adam was clearly
still in tremendous pain despite the morphine he had received, Dr. Martin
cautioned bluntly against increasing the dose. “I could probably give
him enough to eliminate the pain, but in his condition it could easily kill
him. If you want to take that risk, it will have to be your choice.”
Ben opted for the lower dose. Now another difficult
decision affecting Adam’s welfare weighed on his conscience. Remarkably,
one morning, after several days had passed, Adam’s temperature began to go
down. A hint of color was returning to his deathly white complexion.
However, he had still not been heard to say a coherent word. His
groaning and writhing had decreased, though whether that was due to actual
diminution of pain or resignation and sheer exhaustion no one could say.
…That’s Pa’s voice. I hear you. Squeeze
your hand? I’ll try….
Ben was startled to feel a weak squeeze to his hand in
response to his oft-repeated request for his son to give him some sign that
he could hear him. Adam still did not open his eyes, nor did he
repeat the hand squeeze despite his family’s prodding. But the spark
of hope that had been kindled encouraged Adam’s father and brothers each in
turn to carry on one-sided conversations when they were alone in his room
with him that day.
Ben
“So you had to be the hero. I’ve never doubted
your courage, but pulling a hare-brained stunt like sneaking off to fill
canteens under fire is the sort of nonsense I would expect from Joseph, not
you! You’re supposed to be my sensible son. You sure set quite
an example that day. And Little Joe, not to be outdone by his big brother,
went after you and carried you back to our position, guns ablazing.
You know you boys can quit these antics already. I don’t have any more
hairs waiting to turn white!”
…So that’s what happened. I got shot when I
tried to get the water. You think I acted like Little Joe? I
never thought you’d hurt a man when he was down, Pa. Joe rescued me?
Remind me to thank the kid. Don’t tell him I said this, but he really
is something….
“Really Adam, I’ve been so worried. If I’d lost
you I’m not sure how I could have gone on. Especially since I am responsible
for the delay in getting you medical help. I just could not turn
Captain Johnson over to the Apaches. You would be the last person to
be surprised to learn that the Indians had a genuine and serious grievance
against the captain. He had lured a group of them—men, women and children—to
a supposed peace parlay and then poisoned them all. Nevertheless, I
was not prepared to subject an army officer to Apache justice. ”
“I couldn’t show any doubt that I was doing the right thing in front of
your brothers. They were insisting that we give up the captain to save
your life. Oh, Adam, I needed you there to back me up. I needed
to hear someone tell me I was right. Would you have agreed with me?
You are the one who always argues for letting the law handle things.
And for Captain Johnson the law was the U.S. Army, not an avenging Apache
chief.”
“But you have also always been sympathetic to the Indians’ side of things.
And these Apache had suffered a grievous wrong. I could almost
hear you arguing that the Indians should have the right to a measure of sovereignty.
Why shouldn’t they be allowed to administer justice when they have been the
victims of a crime?”
“But if I’d turned Johnson over to Cochise and the Apaches had killed him,
that would just have made him a martyr and likely sparked a cycle of revenge
and counter revenge. So I believe I made the right decision for the
Indians’ benefit too. But it sure would have helped if you were there
to support my decision.”
…Sounds like you did what you had to do, Pa. Sorry, but I’m glad
I didn’t have to help you decide. I don’t actually enjoy being the sensible
one all the time. I just bet those younger brothers of mine gave you
a hard time…
“Adam, even if you would have disagreed, I’d like you
to wake up now and talk to me about it. I hate to see you suffering
like this. I…”
…I wish you could hear me Pa. Oh, it hurts,
it hurts…and I’m so tired….
Adam, who had been lying quiet and still while his father
spoke, opened his mouth as if to answer. But the sound that emerged
was a groan. He continued to moan softly as he drew his legs up towards
his middle and rocked back and forth. Ben wet a cloth in the washbasin
and bathed his son’s sweaty and grimacing face. Gradually Adam calmed
down and fell back asleep. After several hours, Hoss entered the room,
gently shook his dozing father awake, and insisted on taking his turn at Adam’s
bedside.
Hoss
“I weren’t sure I could pry Pa outta here. You
made him so happy when ya squeezed his hand earlier, he wanted to wait around
and see if you’d do it again. I peeked in and saw you was sleepin’ and
Pa was dozin’ off too, so I packed him off to bed before he could argue and
told him I’d set with you a bit. Think you could do that hand-squeezing
thing fer me?”
…Hoss, yeah I’m here big guy….
“I think I might have felt that Adam. Could ya
do it again so’s I’d know it was fer real?…No? I guess yer just too
plum tuckered out. Well I don’t blame ya. You’ve had a mighty
rough time. Gut shot! That’s the worst kinda shot there is.
Guess you know that.”
“You know, Adam, that I don’t hardly never argue with
Pa, but I sure did about this business with that Cap’n Johnson and Cochise.
I usually figger that everyone deserves a chance, but it just didn’t set right
with me that we should have risked your life for the life of a feller that
would poison folks. Pa had all these sensible reasons fer protecting
Johnson, and I jest bet if you’d been awake you woulda had a whole passel
more reasons that no one could argue with. But it jest didn’t set right.”
…I know you hate to argue with Pa. I
think you hate to argue with anyone. Pa did the right thing.
You all did….
“Now, don’t you fret none. I ain’t still mad at
Pa. I know he did what he felt he had to. And even though he don’t
say much, I know he’s suffering over it. He can’t stand to see you
hurt and feel like he’s part to blame. So Adam, you gotta get better.
Cuz Pa ain’t gonna forgive hisself if you don’t. Anyway I kinda miss
hearing your ornery voice.”
… Too bad you can’t hear me now. You did the right thing…Aa-ah.aargh….
Adam’s lips moved and his head rocked from side to side.
Hoss could hear some mumbled sounds, but he couldn’t make out any words.
Hop Sing came into the bedroom, and together he and Hoss carefully bathed
Adam and changed his clothes and bed linens. When they were done Adam
again appeared to be sleeping. The cook returned downstairs and Hoss
slumped into a chair as Joe appeared at the door, stretching and yawning.
“I’m feeling pretty rested now Hoss,” the younger man said. “Why don’t
you take a break and let me sit with older brother for a while.”
J oe
“Hoss and Pa say they been talking to you and they think
maybe you can understand. You know this would be a whole lot easier
if you’d hold up your end of the conversation. No, you’re just gonna
lie back and let me squirm. It figures. You never miss a chance
to try to make me look foolish. Actually, maybe I could turn this to
my advantage. Tell you all the things that bother me about you without
you being able to talk back…Nah, I guess that wouldn’t be fair.”
“Big brother, Pa keeps saying that your sneaking off
to fill the canteens was more like something I would do. How come even
when you do something dumb it’s me that gets in trouble? Seriously,
Adam, that was brave, but real crazy. Now don’t you go saying
‘But you followed me!’. I was going after my foolish big brother, not
fetching water for a no-account army captain.”
…Joe, hey buddy. Did you really carry me in those skinny, little
arms?…
“You can’t really hear me now, right? All right then, I’ll tell you
the truth. You’re a terrific big brother, one of the two best.
Even when I’m griping, I sure do admire and respect you. I need you
so much. We all do. You’ve just got to get better.”
Joe paused, closing his eyes and taking several deep
breaths to gain control of himself. He found he couldn’t bear
to keep looking at Adam’s pain-wracked face, so he directed his gaze downward
as he continued to speak.
“I guess you know already that we were holed up there
as long as we were because Pa wouldn’t hand Captain Johnson over to Cochise.
I can tell he’s eating himself up over that. Hoss has already forgiven
him, but I’m having a hard time. If it had been my decision I would
have turned that weasel over in a heartbeat. But when it comes down
to it I trust Pa and I wouldn’t go against his wishes. Even when the
Apaches were holding Pa, I followed his instructions, even though I could
have handed them Johnson right then. I’m pretty sure I could have convinced
Hoss to go along with me. So it’s not just for Pa’s sake that you’ve
gotta get better. I’m kind of responsible too.”
…You did the right thing. Thanks for trusting Pa. Look at
me, Joe. I can see you but you’re looking at the floor. Look at
me …
Joe looked up from where he had been staring at the floor
and his head flinched back in surprise. Peering back at him from the
bed were two pain-filled but wide-awake eyes.
“Adam! You’re awake. Stay that way. I’m gonna go call
Pa and Hoss.”
Joe went to open the bedroom door and began hollering
for his father and middle brother.
…Joe, where did you go? Do you have to shout so loud?…
Soon three happy Cartwrights were clustered around Adam’s bed, watching
as Adam’s eyes darted back and forth, peering at all of them in turn.
…So you’re all here now. “Can’t a fellow get any peace and quiet
around here?”
Adam realized that he had finally succeeded in speaking aloud when he saw
the looks on his family members’ faces. For their parts, Ben, Hoss and
Joe couldn’t seem to say anything but repeat his name over and over.
“Adam…”
“Adam…”
“Adam…”“You all …sure… had a lot… more… to say… when I couldn’t… talk… back.
You’re being… a little… boring… now.” Adam’s remark came out in
whispered gasps.
“You mean you did hear us when we talked to you, son?” asked Ben.
“Yeah, Pa. I tried to answer. I wanted you to know that I knew
that you did what you had to do.”
“You heard everything?” asked Joe.
“Every word, Joe. And I plan to especially remember
what you said.”
Joe’s face briefly scrunched into that sickly half smile
he used when he’d been caught at something. Hoss and Ben looked at him
curiously.
“Could I have some water, please?” asked Adam,
barely audible.
“All you want,” answered Ben quickly, holding a glass
up to Adam’s lips while Hoss supported him into a semi-sitting position.
“I think I’ll rest a bit now,” gasped Adam. Hoss
lowered him back onto the pillow and Adam appeared to immediately drift back
to sleep. His family continued to stand around the bed, lost in their
own thoughts, which were, in fact, remarkably similar. Each was grateful
that it seemed that Adam was recovering, and relieved that he appeared to
support the difficult decisions they had made.
“So what did you say to him anyway, Joseph?” asked
Ben.
“Yeah, Joe, what did he mean he planned to remember?”
added Hoss.
“Who knows what he thinks he heard?” answered Joe.
“He was probably delirious. Whatever it is I’ll deny it.”
If any of them had been looking at the bed instead of
each other, they would have seen a lifted eyebrow and the hint of a devious
smile.
Adam (with the last word, as usual, even if it’s just in his head)
…So you admire and respect me, Joe? You need me?
Even when you’re griping? Good to know. But what you’ll never
know is that I feel the same way about you…
END
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