“Desert Wallets - A Really Lost Episode”
Robin
Chapter One
Report by Professor F. Sheets, PHD,
Desert Wallets: This episode was only aired twice. It was withdrawn
from syndication due to the injuries and deaths of female viewers who saw
it in the early 1960s. Some say this is rumor, but my scholarly investigation
into this matter found a series of memos from the president of NBC to David
Dortort, producer and creator of Bonanza that support this idea.
The episode was pulled from NBCs archives and eventually was lost when some
studio space was rearranged and a small fire broke out. A battered tape of
this episode was later found in the garage of a retired Burbank fireman, John
Gage.
In the cardboard carton containing photos of Gage’s fire company, moldy
girl scout cookies, Bay Watch Barbie missing one leg, old fishing tackle
and tax records for 1967. There was also a file folder of NBC/Bonanza
memos.
The first few, from the premier season, outline strategy to make Michael
Landon look like Elvis and/or James Dean and Pernell Roberts into a Gregory
Peck type. The Pernell/Peck Plan was immediately abandoned but the Landon/Elvis/Dean
efforts included lightening of Michael Landon’s hair, a cute little windbreaker
jacket and shaping his eyebrows to a “sullen “ arch.
Even the dialogue Little Joe was given echoed the “Rebel without Cause”
tone of Dean.
In later years Landon was quoted as saying “Good thing they didn’t want
me to look like Marilyn Monroe, though they did discuss giving Dan a crew
cut and having Hoss play baseball like Mickey Mantle with cow pies in the
North Pasture.”
Other memos indicate that by the third season however, Little Joe was getting
buckets of fan mail from teen age girls and Adam from college age women and
Elvis decided he wanted to look like Little Joe. The passions of fans coupled
with the new technology of color TV was a heady and dangerous mix… Federal
Mortality Records show that more people died from passion watching Bonanza
in the early 1960s than from radioactive fallout.
Finally a series of memos by NBC legal department insist that the episode
by withdrawn from circulation. “The danger created by the combination of the
potential nudity and the realism of it’s depiction and the alleged death of
Mrs. Hannah Savannah in Fanwood NJ and Mrs. Nancy Delancy in Sacramento, California
may create liability issues for NBC, RCA, and the producers of the series
as well as tarnishing the fan base of Mr. Landon and Mr. Roberts.
NBC responded with “SHELVE the damn episode ! Don’t want dead fans or ladies
getting to worked up over the Adam and Joe characters. We may loose some men
in the audience if we do.”
Chapter Two
Did you ever wonder why the Cartwrights carried wallets most of the
time?
If you were riding out on your own gazillion acre ranch what did you need
your wallet for ?
1. No stores to spend money...
("Gee Hoss, let's drop by that seven/eleven and get a Big Gulp and some
taco chips, and TV guide," Adam said. “How about a package of Pepperidge
Farm Tahoe Cookies and a gallon of milk? Mmmmm” answered the husky Cartwright.
“And one of them Enquirers…want to know if Cher had a baby with Aliens.”)
2.No need for charge cards…
( “Hmmm, got to oil and grease Chub...better put it on my air miles MasterCard,”
said Ben Cartwright as he pulled into the Virginia City Gulf Station and Livery
Stable.)
3.No need for driver's license…
("Pull over pal. You are riding that buckboard too fast around Eagles
Nest!" Roy Coffee hollered from the back of his Harley to Joe and Hoss as
they rattled wildly down the canyon.
“Told you that you was driving like a crazy cowpoke, Little Brother. Now
you went and done it!”)
4. Maybe for the photos?
("Hey fellas, want to see the pix of my dead girl friends?" Joe Cartwright
said to the wranglers pulling out his wallet.)
5. Hmmm ...what about a neat place for the "boys" to keep that cellophane
wrapped "you know what"…
( "Remember boys...no glove no love" Ben Cartwright said as the boys left
the house for a night at the Silver Dollar.
"No problemo Pa. We only drink beer and straight come home. And then the
gals die or leave town. Can't get safer than that," Hoss grinned.
”Unless it is a dead nun, son. Why not look for a dead nun,” Ben suggested.)
So what did the Cartwrights need wallets for?
I certainly wouldn't want to be sitting on a saddle for hours chasing strays
with a wallet squished on my manly ( or otherwise ) tush.
(“Adam, how come you are leaning on the door jam, leaning on the fence,
leaning on the table?” Joe asked his brother.
“My tush hurts. I was riding the range chasing strays since dawn and I forgot
to take my wallet out of my pocket and I have one of those throbbing painful
injuries that we Cartwrights get each week,” Adam groaned as a glaze of perspiration
shined on his forehead.
Chapter 3
It is with this thought in mind that we learn why the Cartwrights carried
wallets in one of the REALLY Lost Episodes: Desert Wallets.
Desert Wallets opens with the Cartwright brothers in one of those
dusty western towns having collected a HUGE chunk of change for selling some
cows or horses or a herd of naugahydes.
Adam was shaving and combing his hair while his adorable brother, Joe,
was in a bubble bath that implied he was neked so all the woman watching the
episode stood up next to their television sets and tried to look down into
the tub. A big bottle of "Mr. Bubble" and a rubber duck floated in the copper
tub. Most of Joe’s really interesting parts were hidden by the combo of bubbles,
rubber ducks, and a strategically placed wash cloth.
"Gee Adam, what are you gonna carry all that money out on the desert for?"
Joe grinned hoping Adam would let him hold the bankroll for once. Then he
could flash the HUGE wad of cash and really impress people. And if he changed
it all to singles and jammed it in his front pocket he could REALLY, really
really impress all the saloon gals.
They would say "Hey Cowboy, is that a wad of moolah jammed in your really
tight tan trousers or are you extremely and very pleased to see our painted
up slut puppy faces?"
Then Joe could say “Don’t you want to find out?” And the gals would frisk
him. HAR HAR.
Joe really liked that idea. Pa never liked his boys foolin' with saloon
gals while they were in Virginia City, but this was not Virginia City.
And Pa would never ever know.
Adam looked over to his kid brother and noticed all the soapy bubbles got
frothed up because Joe had eaten a HUGE (like himself) portion of beans, sauerkraut,
and bean soup and bean shortcake for dinner. Adam had dined on beans, sauerkraut
and quiche... he was more refined than Joe, having spent time in an unnamed
eastern college.
All the women in the audience who were crowding their TVs breathed heavier
and steamed up the screens watching Little Joe in the bathtub. They placed
bets on how long bubbles lasted under hot studio lights and if cowboys washed
from left to right or right to left.
"What do I need to carry the bank roll for? What am I buying out on the
desert? Ever hear of Vegas, Little Brother? Heard Wayne Newton and Charo
are performing at the Desert Inn. And I really do want to play a round of
golf and ... if I am really lucky.." Adam winked.
Every woman in the audience assumed the wink was meant for them.
"Get a slutty, smutty, woman and some lovin'?" Joe grinned impishly. He
wiggled his pseudo-Elvis brows suggestively. "You know how Pa feels about
us boys foolin' around in Virginia City...well Vegas ain't Virginia City..
" Joe threw the sudsy washrag at his brother.
Woman in the audience jumped up hoping that the rag tossing would have opened
up “THE view” of some unseen portion of Joe. (It didn’t.)
Adam tossed an anvil and a pot of steaming chicken noodle soup at Joe. Joe
ducked and all the women sighed at how cute they both were.
"No, I'm not taking the bank roll for sassy Vegas show girls. I plan on
getting bushwhacked."
"Bushwacked!" Joe shook his head. He was peeved that Adam and Pa never,
ever left him with the bankroll. They had all had the chance to get bushwhacked,
except Joe. Even Hoss got bushwhacked and when the bad guys went after his
mama's picture
(Editors question from F. Sheets PHD: Why do they always carry dead Mama's
pictures in silver frames out on the prairie?)
Any way....
Hoss got bushwhacked and even had the bonus of AMNESIA and got a cute knitted
cap like Snap, Crackle or Pop to boot and a vacation with Dutch folks and
wooden shoes. He could have gone all the way to Michigan, home of mishuginas
if Pa hadn't interrupted. Hoss had all the breaks and a cool white hat too.
All Joe ever got was tight pants and lusty looks from terminally ill ditzy
blondes who were too dumb to duck when James Coburn tossed pitch forks at
them.
"Can't I come along, Adam? I never get to get bushwhacked and have my wallet
stolen...or even my mama's picture smashed." Joe adorably stuck out his trembly
lower lip though the female members of the audience were hoping, yea praying
for him to stick out something more.
“Stick it out of the bubbles Joe! Show it show it!!!” They shrieked from
coast to coast that Sunday night at 9:17 Eastern Time, 8:17 Central.
Joe started to stand up from the tub.
“Stand up JOE!” The fans shrieked with joy. “Stand up!”
The very last words of an eighty year old grandmother from Omaha Nebraska
were “Stand up Little Joe.” The family claimed it took the undertaker over
three days to take the smile off of Granny Lardbutts toothless mouth. All
the women in the audience sighed as one.
Joe stood up! Water sloosed from his manly gorgeous bod.
But just as when Elvis appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, the camera only
showed Joe from the bare shoulders up. A woman in New Jersey, (Rumored to
be in a blue dress ) was killed when she crashed through her picture tube,
which exploded and she was decapitated by shards of glass....another dead
woman added to the lust list...and a potential class action suit.
"No, Little Joe, You can't have the bank roll... just me." Adam buttoned
up his heavy jacket even though it was nine zillion degrees in the desert.
"No bushwhacking for you, boy!" Then he unbuttoned his jacket and unbuttoned
the top 17 buttons on his black shirt so his manly hairy chest showed. He
leaned at a 45-degree angle against the wall.
Allegedly an entire bridge club in Yakima Washington fainted watching Adam’s
button-unbutton-lean. They all got fractured skulls when there Toni Home Permanents
thudded to the floor.
"Gee Adam! You and Pa treat me like a little kid. I guess I will just have
to hang around this no account town, play poker, and drink cafe Vienna Latte
International with Cochise."
"Sounds like a good plan, Little Brother...Celebrate the moments of your
life."
"Maybe I can watch that murder trial too." Joe checked out his reflection
in the mirror and decided he really was the cutest Cartwright. His hair had
instantly and perfectly dried. No bad hair days for Little Joe Cartwright.
Every day was a perfect hair day for Joseph Francis Cartwright.
"Trial has no interest to me. The fellow did not maintain his composure
when he found his wife doing the WOWza dance with his partner."
"Gee Adam, " Joe ssssssslllllllllllloooowly put on his shirt so that the
female fans swooned just a bit. "When you saw Laura (Eeeeeew) Dayton with
cousin Zorro...er...Will you dove head first off the roof of that house you
was building."
"That's different...I wanted to shoot them or at least fling the hammer
at Laura’s face, but I maintained my composure and fell off the beam on my
own head."
"Your stubborn granite head!" Joe teased with a har har har.
"Good thing my head is rock hard or I might have died!" Adam pulled the
leg off the chair and bashed himself over the head to demonstrate his remarkable
cranium. The wooden leg splinters exploded across the screen but Adam had
not a hair out of place though about five more buttons popped open on his
shirt and a woman in Cleveland had a heart attack.
"WOW Adam...even Pa couldn't do that with out wincing or smooshing his pompadour."
Despite all their arguing Joe did admire his older brother's prowess…. as
did all the fans. What a guy!!!
"Well Joe, have a good time drinking coffee with your horse." Adam snickered
and turned up the collar of his shirt like the ultra cool guy he was.
"And you have a great time getting beaten senseless when you flash that
wad of moolah, big brother!" The hugged. The audience said "Aaaaaaaa" They
loved all those Cartwright bonding moments almost as much as the bath scenes.
"See you in a few days!" Adam said knowing he would not see Joe for a LLLLLLOOOOONG
time. (That was called “foreshadowing” noted Prof. F. Sheets)
"Ha ha!" laughed Joe, knowing that despite the fact he had no bank roll
in his pocket he had stuffed the wash cloth, the rubber duck and the bottle
of Mr. Bubble down the front his trousers and he would have a SWELL night
in the Long Branch Saloon with Miss Kitty.
Life was good when you were a clean cowboy with a wallet full of moolah
and cool hair!
THE END
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