The GOLDEN GIRLS BONANZA EXTRAVAGANZA
Robin
The Golden Girls enter the kitchen and start arranging snacks at the table
Dorothy: I can’t believe we sat here watching a “Bonanza Extravaganza” for
eight hours. Eight hours of a forty-year-old western.
Blanche: I can’t believe I am here sitting with you on a Saturday night
and don’t have a date.
Rose: Be nice Blanche…you know you enjoyed watching the shows.
Dorothy: Those Cartwrights certainly were handsome. Which one is your favorite?
Blanche: Oh that Little Joe is so … so… hubba hubba… I especially like those
episodes when he is sooo young and speaks with a southern accent… his slim
hips.That gun belt. The quick draw.( she shivers) Those eyes..Is it getting
hot in here (he fans herself with the place mat) so young, so virile, such
tight pants…. they certainly shouldn’t have called him “little” Joe. Is that
a six gun in your pocket Little Joe or are you happy to see me.
Sophia: Dream on you tramp. Who do you think you are? Julia Bullette ? Love
me tender and all that?
Dorothy: I think I like Adam the best…as a substitute English teacher I
have always been drawn to literary types… that Adam does wonders with Dickens
and Shakespeare and that black outfit… Paradise Lost. And chest hair too.
Rose how about you?
Rose: Oh Hoss of course. He loves animals and nuns and small children. He
is so polite and he is sooo big…just like my late husband who had a big
Svengaluchen… and Hoss’s mother is Swedish too.
Sophia: So you are leaving me with the old man? The father with three dead
wives? I get Ben just because I am the old lady here. Don’t I get one
of the BOYS?
Dorothy: Maa, we are just talking … you can have any Cartwright you want…It
is just television not reality. Cheesecake? (She passes a slice of cake to
her mother in an attempt to distract her)
Sophia: Cheesecake? Cheesecake? Speaking of cheesecake… Look at this! She
lifts the edge of the tablecloth and pulls out a stack of glossy cast pictures
of the Cartwrights… mostly shirtless or posed with sweaty brows, dusty pants,
pointed guns and “come hither looks”. All are signed with affectionate and
suggestive messages to Sophia.
Rose: Look at this Dorothy “ To the hottest babe on the range, Love Ben.”
And this one “ Be mine, you are fine, let’s entwine, fondly, Adam” and this
one “You make my Svengaluchen bigger than the high Sierras, Hoss “ and look
Blanche…Look what Little Joe wrote…
Blanche: Show me Rose (grabbing at the photo) what did my darling Joe write
to Sophia? He is mine you know. (She fluffs her hair and fans her self
with a cloth napkin.) My Little Joe girls.. Mine.
Dorothy: Let me see “Dear Tirza, you can be my wolf girl anytime, I howl
for you. Your man, Joe”
Ma, What is this all about?
Sophia: Picture this… the Comstock Lode, 1857 or 1961 whatever you want.
A beautiful gypsy girl is tossed off a cliff by her jealous knife-tossing
boyfriend who tells people she kills chickens with her bare hands. She is
so beautiful that all men swoon when they see her. In full living color. Sponsored
by Chevrolet.The moon is full and Joe Cartwright falls madly for the gypsy
girl and her totally spastic hooochie mama gypsy dancing. They make passionate
love near some papier-mache rocks. Tissue Paper flowers. Paper moon. Little
Joe.
Blanche: My Little Joe. The Prince of the Ponderosa.
Sophie: Shut up Blanche. It’s my story. He wants to marry her immediately.
The gypsies call for a celebration and serve a roasted pig and manicotti…a
little red wine, some canolli, some fried calamari…some eggplant Parmesan.
Biscotti, tortoni. Amoretta and capucino…
Blanche: Sophia enough about the menu…tell us more about the passionate
love making.
Rose : How was his Svengaluchen ?
Sophia: Better than the Chinese cook’s canolli. Shouldn’t let a man named
Hop Sing any where near ricotta cheese.
Better than Roy Coffee’s reheated coffee and Doc Martin’s two headed
calf in the bottle of formaldahyde.
Dorothy: Ma you are Sicilian, not a gypsy.
Sophia: Sicilian, gypsy no difference. Little Joe was crazy for me…even
Ben…he gave me this. (She pulls something white and fluffy from the breadbox)
Rose: A poodle? Ben gave you a poodle?
Sophia: no you midwestern moron.his favorite toupee. From the Virginia City
Hair Club for Cattle Barons.
Blanche: so what happened? Are you saying that Dorothy’s father is (she
swoons) my Little Joe Cartwright?
Sophia: No you slut puppy, Her father is Sid Melton… no I had to leave Little
Joe. Ben said he was too young to manage a happy marriage and needed to find
a wife who fit into some crappy blue dress they had. But I fixed them… just
as I rode off in my rear engine Chevy Corvair.
Dorothy: Ma what did you do?
Sophia: I put a curse on them…. A Sicilian gypsy curse. That no woman would
ever live to marry them…
Rose: Oh no Sophia! THE CARTWRIGHT CURSE. No wonder they never married!
Sophia: (going to the refrigerator and returning with a new snack) Dead
chickens anyone?
The End
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