Avenging Debbie
A
REALLY Lost Episode
by Robin
Author’s note:
This REALLY Lost Episode inspired by the maltreatment of a
loyal Bonanza fan, Debbie at a neighborhood Video Store. Among the
misinformation given by the clerk was that one of those awful Bonanza sequels
about the offspring of the real Cartwrights was made only this year rather than
in the mid 1980s.
The episode
Imagine hundreds of people surrounding the video
store and Debbie using a bullhorn to make her pronouncement. Imagine what Roy
Coffee could have done if he had a bullhorn in
"OBNOXIOUS VIDEO GIRL! STEP OUT SIDE RIGHT
NOW!" Debbie challenged.
Four men on horses rode up. The crowd went wild.
They all simultaneously sing the Bonanza them and dance like horseback riding
cowboys.
Debbie climbed on Hoss' shoulders and, once again
using her bullhorn called, "OBNOXIOUS VIDEO GIRL! STEP OUT SIDE!"
The crowd went wild. “STEP OUTSIDE STEP OUTSIDE
STEP OUTSIDE!” they chant.
The door of the video store slowly opened and a
pierced and belly shirted girl slithered out. She is amazed at the hooplah she
has caused. Never in her obnoxious misinformed life had
anyone doubted her misinformation.... even when she confused Bing Crosby with
Bill Cosby and
She was amazed that the fire torches many of the
angry people were carrying flickered like the aromatherapy candles she had
bought at Pier One.
"VIDEO GIRL!
STEP FORWARD!!!" Debbie shouted. She had slid off Hoss's shoulders and
took a sip of the Starbuck's mocha java latte that Cochise offered her. Angrily
shouting at a fool was thirsty work.
The Video Girl smirked and said, "Back to
Bonanza was made last week!"
The crowd gasped in unison.
Joe Cartwright drew his pistol and aimed at the
Video Girl's pierced navel. Joe loved gals but there was a limit to his
affections. Ben put his hand on his youngest son's shoulder and ordered
"Joseph, don't shoot her...yet."
“Besides, Short Shanks, that gal already has quite a few holes in her,” Hoss
explained.
Adam Cartwright stepped forward, "Pa let me try this,” he said logically
and methodically. Though Adam usually thought with his lips first, this girl
was vile and totally contemptible. "Miss, did you ever hear of EXPLODED
Marie?" Adam smiled cynically.
"EXPLODED Marie?
Was she in Terminator II?" Video Girl countered.
"Heh heh heh, "Ben whispered to Hoss and
Little Joe. "Looks like Adam is reeling her
in."
"Pa!" Hoss pointed to the next store in the strip mall next too the
video store. "KFC!"
"Son, hold strong... the family name is at stake here!" Ben
urged his son as Hoss drooled, much as he drooled when he first saw Lotta
Crabtree.
"No you dang fool! EXPLODED Marie was not REAL Marie! MY
MOTHER!" Joe shouted. A tear trickled from his left eye as a bit of
torch shmutz blew under his contact lens. His left hand fluttered over his
holstered gun.
"Stay calm Little Joe," Ben said firmly.
His hand squeezed Joe's shoulder.
Joe nodded and took a deep breath. "Pa, that
gal is going to die from a bad case of slow..."
"Or a bad case of ugly," Hoss said as he gazed at her tattooed
cellulite. Even he would look more appealing in a pair of silver spandex pants.
"Miss, I have a garment here that I would
LOVE for you to have!" Adam offered the Video Girl a Victoria's Secret
shopping bag.
"What's he doing, Pa?" Hoss asked. He
blushed at the idea of his brother having gone into a gal's undie store.
On the other hand, Joe sighed longingly when he
imagined the virtues of shopping in
The last
clerk was waiting in the Ponderosa hayloft with a magnum of iced champagne for
Joe's return.
"A gift?
POUR MOI!" The Video Girl shrieked much like a
fat Miss Piggy in the Muppet Movie.
"Oh yes!" Adam smiled. He jiggled the
shopping bag.
The crowd went wild.
Adam stepped forward to hand the despicable Video
Girl the package. "Put this on," he growled suggestively. "I
want to see you in it,"
Video Girl had never been given a gift by such a handsome, appealing darkly
sexy man. The last thing a man gave her caused her to take penicillin for
almost three months.
"A lovely gift for a lovely lady," Ben
added with a smile.
"Can I shoot her now, Pa?" Joe asked hopefully.
"And then we can go to KFC?" Hoss added
hungrily.
"Stand down boys. Let Adam finish her
off," Ben said calmly. He didn't take his dark eyes off his clever oldest
son. Adam had come up with this foolproof plan and now he had to finish the
disgusting Video Girl off.
Debbie was a loyal fan, and deserved the Cartwright’s ever-manly support.
Video Girl grabbed the shopping bag and yanked the
contents out. "Ooo la la A BLUE DRESS!!!"
"PUT IT ON PUT IT ON PUT IT ON!" the crowd cheered in unison.
"PUT IT ON!" Debbie roared thru the
bullhorn.
Epilogue.
As the four horsemen rode one after the other
through the KFC drive through, Ben thought to himself "Let the law handle
it? Heh heh heh...let blue dresses handle it!"
"Yahoo!!" shouted Hoss as he ordered a
36-piece bucket and quintuple mashed potatoes with a gravy beverage.
Adam smiled knowing that once again he had done
the right thing to protect his family and Pa was proud of him.
Joe just made a date with the gal at the drive
thru and ordered Coochie some coffee.
THE END
Sept. 2003