The 12 Days of Christmas
By: Rona Y.
On
the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A
partridge in a pear tree.
“It’s very nice,” Adam
said, truthfully. “But what is it?”
Beaming all over at the compliment,
Hop Sing replied, “It pear tree.”
“That?” Hoss asked,
gesturing towards the ornamental tree in its heavy ceramic pot. “That’ll grow
pears?”
“Once big enough,” Hop Sing
agreed nodding. He scooped up another parcel from the table.
“What’s that?” Joe asked.
Opening it, Hop Sing
displayed a dead bird. “It partridge,” he explained. “Cook for dinner.”
“It ain’t gonna feed us
all!” Hoss declared, disappointment in his tones. “One o’ them’s hardly big
enough ta feed one o’ us!”
Sniffing disgustedly, Hop
Sing shook his head. “Not for Cartwrights’ dinner,” he told them. “For Hop
Sing.” He smiled. “You get roast beef.”
“Where’d you get them
from?” Joe asked, gesturing to include the tree.
“Friend,” replied the
Oriental and bustled away into the kitchen.
“Male or female?” Joe
called after him. His only response was a torrent of Chinese. Joe glanced at
his brothers. “We’re in trouble now, brothers,” he informed them. “That
definitely means it was a female friend!”
On
the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two
turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
“Pa?” Hoss queried, coming
across Ben standing in the upstairs hall, looking at the roof and frowning.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can you hear it?” Ben
asked.
“What?” Hoss replied,
mystified.
“That cooing,” Ben
answered. “Listen.” He held his finger to his lips and they both stood there in
silence listening hard. Just as Hoss was about to say he didn’t hear anything,
a chorus of soft ‘cooing’ reached his ears. “There!” Ben exclaimed. “Did you
hear it?”
“Sure did,” Hoss agreed.
“Them doves sound like they’s in the roof.”
“That’s what I thought,”
Ben nodded. “Hoss, do me a favour and get rid of them, will you?”
Sighing Hoss agreed, and a
little while later, he and Joe went into the attic to find and evict the doves.
The attic was cold, and a small hole in the roof showed them where the doves
had got in, along with some of the snow that was falling steadily outside.
It took over half an hour of
chasing, tripping and muffled cursing to get the birds caught and ejected.
“Dadburnit!” Hoss muttered, as he looked at the pile of droppings on the floor.
“I guess we’d better git that cleaned up.”
“Feel free,” Joe grouched.
“I’m goin’ to patch the hole in the roof before more snow comes in.”
“Well, thanks a bunch,
little brother,” Hoss called after him. He went to get what he would need and
as he scraped the attic floor clean, he heard Joe outside on the roof.
As Joe got the new slate
into position, Hoss shouted, “That’s got it, Joe!”
Caught by surprise, Joe
flinched violently backwards and found himself sliding down the snow-covered
roof. “Aggghhhhhh!” he screamed, as he gathered speed and slid off the edge of
the roof.
On
the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Three
French hens…
“What’s so special about
these French hens, Pa?” Adam asked, as he watched Hop Sing put the hens into
the coop.
“I don’t know, son,” Ben
replied. “But after that fox got so many of our hens, Hop Sing insisted we buy
some more, and the only ones he could get were French.”
“How does he know they’re
French?” Adam asked, covering his mouth with his hand so that the cook would
not hear. “They look just the same as the others to me.”
“I have no idea,” Ben
admitted. “Nor did I understand his explanation as to why there are only three,
when we ordered a dozen. But he got so irate; I decided it was better not to
ask any further.”
“Wise move,” Adam agreed.
As they started to walk
towards the barn, they heard a scream from behind them, and turned in time to
see Joe shoot off the edge of the roof to land with a loud thump out of sight
behind the kitchen. “Joe!” Ben cried and rushed around the side of the house,
with Adam in hot pursuit.
Luckily for Joe, he had
landed on a large pile of snow, and so was not very badly hurt. As it was, he
had knocked his shoulder out of the socket, while trying to halt his slide, and
of course, it was his left shoulder he dislocated.
“I’m gonna get you for
this, Hoss!” he vowed, as Ben helped him into the house.
On
the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Four
calling birds…
“Hey, Pa, that new store’s
open!” Joe exclaimed, as they drove into
“Once your shoulder is back
in place, yes,” Ben agreed. Although he had put shoulders back into their
sockets, it wasn’t something Ben enjoyed doing and he didn’t want to do it for
Joe. So he had had Hoss hitch up the wagon and he and Joe had come into town,
Joe’s injured arm gently supported by a make-shift sling. Joe was trying very
hard to pretend that his shoulder wasn’t that sore, but he was fooling no one.
An hour or so later, once
his shoulder was back in place and Dr Paul Martin was satisfied that no nerves
had been trapped, Joe and Ben left his office and went slowly across to the new
store.
‘Edgar’s Emporium’ read the
sign outside and the Cartwrights exchanged glances before going in.
The store was packed to the
ceiling with odd things. Although there were clothes, and some food, neither
thing were the run-of-the-mill things that they were used to. There were jars
and boxes of mysterious looking spices and the air was heavy with a myriad of
unfamiliar scents. It was also incredibly noisy, as the air rang with various
bird calls and Joe even spied a tiny monkey in a cage behind the counter.
“What are you looking at,
Joe?” Ben asked, catching up with his son as he peered into a cage of birds.
“Calling birds,” Joe
answered. “Four of them.” He grinned at his father. “Two breeding pairs. I was
thinking of buying them for Hoss.”
“Don’t you dare!” Ben
ordered, as one of the birds let out a piercing cry. “Those doves were bad
enough!” He pretended to grab Joe by the ear. “Let’s go home before you get any
more bright ideas.”
On
the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Five
gold rings…
“I tell you,” Adam sighed,
disconsolately, “it’s a regular epidemic.”
“Adam!” Ben reproached him.
“You make it sound like the bubonic plague! You’re talking about weddings here.
Christmas is a very romantic time to be married.”
“I guess it is,” Adam
agreed. “But five of our hands getting married within the same week? Tell me
that’s not an epidemic.”
“When you put it like
that…” agreed Hoss. “I guess it is.” He winked heavily at Joe, who pretended
not to notice. “So what are ya tryin’ ta
tell us here, big brother? Are ya gittin’ married, too?”
“What?” Adam shrieked, sitting up straight. “Me? You must be
joking!”
“Aw,” Hoss sulked, looking
disappointed. “I was really lookin’ forward ta ya gittin’ married so’s I could
be an uncle.”
“You’ll need to look
somewhere else,” Adam said, pointedly looking at Joe, who put up his uninjured
hand.
“Not me!” he stated
emphatically.
Sighing deeply, Ben
muttered, “Well, it would be nice if at least one of you got married sometime
so I can have some grandchildren to spoil before I’m too old.”
On
the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Six
geese a-laying…
“Goose for Christmas dinner
outside in hen coop,” Hop Sing informed Ben at breakfast the next day.
“Thank you, Hop Sing,” Ben
replied. “We’ll watch out for it.”
Watching Joe chase his food
around his plate with his right hand, Hoss asked, “Pa, why’nt we get some geese
an’ breed our own one for Christmas?”
Raising his eyebrow, Ben
asked, “And what would we do with all the others that come along? I breed
cattle here, in case it has escaped your notice. When I want a goose, it’s far
easier to buy one in town.”
“Well, I jist thought…”
Hoss began.
“When we tried raising our own
turkeys when we first got here, you wouldn’t let us eat them,” Adam
interrupted.
Hoss blushed. “Ya didn’
have ta bring that up,” he mumbled.
“It’s true though,” Ben
agreed. “And that’s another good reason why we aren’t going to raise geese.
Besides, have you ever heard the noise they make? We’d never sleep again.” He
returned to his breakfast, the matter closed.
On
the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Seven
swans a-swimming…
“It’s a good book, isn’t
it, Joe?” Adam asked, right in his younger brother’s ear, making Joe flinch.
“What is it with you and
Hoss?” Joe grumbled. “First he scares me and I fall off the roof, now you’re at
it too!”
“Sorry,” Adam replied,
contritely. “But it is a good book. Are you enjoying it?” He went to sit in the
blue velvet chair at the bottom of the stairs. Joe was curled up on the sofa.
“I read it last winter.”
Putting aside the volume of
English medieval history, Joe nodded. “I remember. That’s why I went looking
for it. I remember you telling me it wasn’t dry, like some history books, and
its not. It’s real exciting. All those battles and knights in shining armour.
It’s great.”
Adam smiled. “There are
some really interesting facts, too,” he remembered. “Like the law being passed
to prevent a Catholic ascending the throne.” Joe, predictably, scowled. His
mother had been Catholic. “And the banning of Christmas day.”
Perking up at that, Joe
added one that he’d read just a few moments before. “And all swans are Crown
property,” he marvelled. “Why would the Crown want to own all the swans?”
“I’m told they’re good to eat,” Adam replied.
“We’ve never had one, but the feathers are as warm as goose feathers, and
there’s a lot of meat on swans. For the poor people, the temptation must have
been almost irresistible.”
“Pa, have you ever eaten
swan?” Joe asked, as Ben came down the stairs.
“No, not that I know of,”
Ben replied. “But that reminds me, Adam. Could you go down to the smoke house
and bring up the last of the ducks we shot and give them to Hop Sing? He was
asking me for them earlier.”
“Sure thing,” Adam agreed
and got to his feet.
“Hmm, smoked duck,” Joe
drooled.
“You’re getting as bad as
Hoss!” Ben joked.
On
the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Eight
maids a milking…
“I thought you were reading
English history?” Adam asked, as he came back in to find Joe’s nose buried in a
dime novel. There was a lurid picture on the paper cover of a young woman
running away from a black-cloaked man.
“I was,” Joe replied,
vaguely. “But I’ve had my dose of culture for today, thanks. I want some
entertainment.”
“That’s a peculiar outfit
that girl’s wearing,” Ben commented, glancing over Joe’s shoulder at the
illustration on the page.
“She’s a milkmaid,” Joe
replied, crossly. “I’m trying to read here. Would you mind letting me get on
with it?”
“A milkmaid?” Adam echoed.
“Please tell me that’s not set in this country.”
“It’s not set in this
country,” Joe snapped. “Now will you leave me alone?” He turned his back on his
father and brother, heaving an ostentatious sigh. Ben and Adam exchanged
identical amused glances before leaving him alone.
On
the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Nine
ladies dancing…
“How can you go to a dance
with a dislocated shoulder?” Adam demanded.
“In the buggy, same as you
fellows,” Joe retorted. “Please, Adam, help me with this?” He waggled his white
shirt in front of Adam’s nose. “I haven’t got a date for tonight, so it doesn’t
matter if I can’t dance, does it?”
“All right, all right,” Adam
capitulated, and dropped his own white shirt on his bed to struggle with Joe’s
sling. He caught Joe giving him a searching glance. “What?” he asked.
“Do the ladies like your
furry chest?” Joe asked. “All the girls I’ve gone out with have raved about my
smooth chest.”
“I like more mature women,”
Adam informed him. “And yes, they do like it.”
“Must be weird,” Joe
commented as he handed over his string tie. “What’s it like being furry?”
“Warmer than being smooth,
I expect,” Adam snapped. He tied the tie and stepped back. “Now go away and let
me finish getting dressed!
When they arrived at the
dance, all the younger women crowded round Joe, cooing over his injury and
listening with round eyes to his (embellished) story of how he came to fall off
the roof.
“I count nine gals hoverin’
round Joe,” Hoss muttered in disgust later in the evening. “And I ain’t danced
wi’ Bessie
“Its enough to make you
sick,” Adam agreed, wondering why his furry chest wasn’t attracting the ladies
that night.
On
the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Ten
lords a-leaping…
The inevitable fight came
late on in the evening. Joe was standing by the punch bowl, chatting to Sally
Marks. A moment later, her boyfriend, a cowboy Joe knew slightly, appeared and
said, “What do you think you’re doing, Cartwright?”
“Oh back off, John,” Joe
replied, wearily. “I’m just talking to Sally.”
Luckily, Joe was sober and
John was drunk, or else Joe might have ended up in a real mess. As it was, he
saw the punch coming and simply ducked. Next moment, a wild melee broke out as
a number of drunken cowboys raced to Joe’s defence.
By the time Adam and Hoss
were picking themselves up, Roy Coffee had arrived and was taking the worst of the
drunks to sleep it off in the town jail and Joe was sitting on a comfortable
sofa watching the proceeds with all the air of a young lord.
“I don’t know how he does
it,” Adam muttered. He could feel several spots on his face that would turn
into bruises before the night was out, and Hoss was in a similar condition.
“There’s not a mark on him!”
“Jist as well,” Hoss told
him. “Think of the trouble we’d be in if’n Joe came home all beat up an’ with
his bad arm, too.”
Adam gave Hoss an
‘old-fashioned’ look. “What makes you think we’re not going to be in trouble
anyway?” he asked.
On
the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Eleven
pipers piping…
They were having a sedate
breakfast the next morning, Christmas Eve, when the air was suddenly rent by an
unearthly noise. “What on earth?” Ben cried, leaping to his feet and looking
around wildly. “What is that?”
“Bagpipes!” Joe cried and
jumped up, a wide grin splitting his face. He rushed over and opened the door
and the whole family stood there in amazement as a Scottish piper walked across
the yard, playing ‘
Behind the piper were two
girls and a small bear. “Yee-Ha!” Joe carolled and rushed out into the snow to
greet the Giggly Sisters, who had been living at the ranch now for almost a
year, and who had been away doing some Christmas shopping with Paw, their pet
bear.
“At least its only one
piper,” Adam consoled his father, but he was wrong, for another 10 suddenly
marched out from behind the barn playing ‘Amazing Grace’.
It was stunningly beautiful
to hear the pipes on the cold air and the old hymn moved them all. After it was
finished, the pipers bowed to the sisters and left. Joe and the girls came
inside, where the girls demanded the details of how Joe had become maimed while
they were away.
“I’ve got my Christmas
present,” Joe declared. “My girls are home!”
Ben tried valiantly not to
groan in despair.
On
the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve
drummers drumming…
“Paw’s just a baby, so to
keep him out of the presents until morning, we gave him one early,” the redhead
explained as the blonde helped the little bear unwrap his gift. That Paw was
delighted was evident, but no one else seemed to be. He had a little red drum.
As Paw paraded around
banging on the drum to his heart’s content, the blonde smiled at Ben. “At least
he’s an only bear,” she consoled him. “Think how much worse it would be if he
were twins.”
“These last few days have
been so like that song, ‘The 12 Days of Christmas,’ with the things that have
happened,” Adam remarked. “How does it go again?”
And the redhead stood up,
drew in a deep breath and began singing,
“On the twelfth day of
Christmas my true love gave to me (breath)
Twelve drummers drumming
‘Leven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings (breath)
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves…”
And here everyone joined
in, singing the last line while the redhead added the descant
“And a partridge in a pear
tree!”
Merry Christmas everyone!
The End
Music and words for The 12
days of Christmas by Frederick Silver. Although the 12 days applies to the 12
days leading up to Epiphany, when the Magi came from the East, I have taken the
liberty of setting it before Christmas, not after. And many thanks to my dear
sister Claire for her helpful suggestions. What would I do without you, sis!