BETWIXT AND BETWEEN
Sandy Workman
Adam was absolutely
scared out of his wits, in addition to being drunk, as he rode reluctantly
towards the Ponderosa and the coming meeting with his father. Accompanying
him on this ride were his younger brother, Hoss, 12 years old and also slightly
tipsy. Unfortunately, the other person accompanying them was Sheriff Roy
Coffee. It was way past midnight and he was supposed to have had Hoss back
home by 11:00, so he knew his father was stewing at home worried about them
as it was, which wasn't going to put him in the greatest of moods to hear
what he was going to have to tell him. And he was going to have to be the
one to tell it, as Sheriff Coffee had insisted upon that.
"It's on your shoulders,
Adam. It's bad enough I got to be taking you and your brother home in this
condition, it's up to you to do the tellin' to your Pa. You're 'most a grown
man now and I expect it of ya, and I won't hear 'nother word about it," the
Sheriff had ordered.
Adam had another
six months to go before turning 18 . It was five months since his stepmother,
Marie, had died. When that had happened, his father had turned inward and
basically left everything for Adam to handle, which he had done. He had taken
care of Little Joe and Hoss and the ranch business as best he could, had
kept things together until his father had finally shrugged off the deepest
of the grief he was letting oppress him, and realized that he needed to get
back to taking care of his family.
Ben was more than
grateful for what Adam had accomplished, and surprised at the sudden show
of maturity on Adam's part in picking up the pieces. Up until that time,
though Adam had always been a good boy, there had still been a lot of times
that he and his father had butted heads. It was common knowledge amongst
those close to the family that Adam and Ben were alike as peas in a pod when
you came right down to it, and that could make for some hard times in raising
a teenaged boy. Some people called it stubbornness, others would call it
determination, but there was no doubt about it that both Adam and Ben had
plenty to spare.
Since Ben had taken
back the reins of running the ranch and the family, Adam had reverted somewhat
to the way he had been comporting himself just prior to Marie's death. He
wasn't even sure himself why he did some of the things he did when he knew
darn well they would make his father angry, and he really didn't want his
father angry with him. Deep down, more than anything else, he wanted his
father's approval. In addition to that, he didn't want to make any waves
as far as his college plans were concerned. His father had promised him that
he could finally leave for college in another year or so, and he didn't want
to do anything that might jeopardize that.
But it was awfully
hard sometimes to always be the "good boy," the "mature one," the "dependable
one." Sometimes he just wanted to sow a little wild oats.
But boy, he had
really blown everything tonight. He knew Pa was going to be absolutely furious
with him. He also knew that his father had every right to be. He was supposed
to be taking Hoss into the Virginia City Founder's Day Supper and Dance.
Hoss wanted to go awfully bad, particularly for the dinner part, and Ben
couldn't take him as Little Joe had been sick with the mumps. Joe was doing
much better, but Ben didn't feel comfortable leaving him, so Adam was elected
to take Hoss in and keep an eye on him in town.
Unfortunately, after
the supper and at the dance later, they met up with some of the town boys
that Adam was acquainted with and ended up at the Bucket of Blood. Adam couldn't
quite remember just how that had happened, but it had. Hoss was 12, almost
13, but he looked like a grown man as far as his height and build. He still
had a baby face, but the bartender at the Bucket of Blood didn't really care
who came in his place as long as their money was good.
At first, they were
just going to show Hoss what the inside of a saloon looked like, as Ben had
never allowed him inside one before. Hoss was real excited about this little
venture. He knew his Pa wouldn't approve, but thought that as long as Adam
was letting him do it, he might just as well take advantage of the opportunity.
He also knew that Ben wouldn't have approved of Adam drinking there, but
Adam started out with a couple of beers as the other boys kept pushing it
on him.
Then Lanny Myers
spoke up and said, "Say, Hoss, you ever tasted beer?"
Hoss blushed and
shook his head. "Well I'd say it was about time, wouldn't you?" Lanny laughed.
"Look Lanny, leave
my little brother alone. He's too young and my Pa would have a fit, if he
knew," Adam retorted.
"Well, your pa don't
have to know anything about it, Adam. One little beer isn't gonna do anything
to this big guy and you know it. Won't hurt him to just see what it tastes
like."
By that time, Adam
had drank a shot of whisky, in addition to the two beers, and wasn't using
his best judgment.
He grinned and said,
"Well, I guess just one won't hurt him. Want to try one, Hoss?"
"Dadburnit it, Adam,
I don't know. Will Pa be able to tell if I do?"
Tom piped up, "Nah,
just chew on one of these cinnamon drops I got in my pocket and he'll never
know nothin' about it, Hoss."
"Well, okay, I guess
I could try it."
With that, Lanny
pushed one of the full glasses of beer over in front of Hoss. Hoss looked
at it for a second, then picked it up and took a swallow. He made a puckered
up face and said, "Dadgone it, that really don't taste so good - don't see
what you fellers see in that stuff."
As Adam watched,
a slightly dazed expression on his own face, he heard Lanny say, "Oh, Hoss,
the first swallow is always the hardest. Don't nobody like it much first
swallow. Take a couple more."
Hoss didn't think
much of the idea, but he didn't want to appear like a kid to his brother's
friends, so he took another couple of swallows. Interestingly, he found that
with each swallow, the taste somehow didn't bother him so much as it did
at first. As a matter of fact, by the time he finished the glass, he was
feeling pretty darn good and the stuff wasn't tasting so bad after all.
Lanny pushed another
full glass his way. Adam started to object, but Lanny said, "Oh, don't be
such a priss, Adam. It won't hurt him. He's as big or bigger than any man
in the room. Let him have a little more."
Forever after, Adam
was to wonder why he didn't put a stop to it right then and there. He was
to regret that for a long time to come. Hoss downed this one quicker than
the first and was really feeling good by that time, good enough to get another
one down while Adam wasn't paying attention.
"Say you fellas,"
Tom said, "you think Hoss has ever seen the inside of Queenie's house? Bet
he'd really get an education if we took him in there."
"Hey, you guys,
Hoss doesn't need to see the inside of a brothel. My Pa'd have my hide if
I took him in there," Adam protested.
"Oh, come on, Adam.
We won't do anything but look. Bet ole Hoss would like to see how them girls
dress and see those pictures on the walls there. That's all we'll do just
look."
By that time, Adam
had had another whisky. He wasn't used to drinking this much. He had been
out with the boys before, but had kept his drinking to a minimum. He didn't
want his father to know anything about it.
"Oh, all right.
We'll just show him the inside of the place and then I gotta take him home."
They got up to head
toward Queenie's. Hoss was about as excited as he had ever been. He had
heard some things from the other guys about what went on there, and some of
the guys his own age had tried to get him to run in the door with them to
take a look, but Hoss was too shy, plus he knew what his father would think.
But Hoss, for some reason now, wasn't feeling real shy at all. As a matter
of fact, he was feeling about the best he could ever remember feeling.
They reached Queenie's
on D Street, all of the boys staggering just a bit, but nobody on the streets
seemed to notice. Tom went up to the door and knocked. Queenie herself opened
it up, "Well, hello there boys, glad to see you. Come on in and join the
fun."
They all piled through
the door and Hoss was mesmerized by what he was seeing. Never in his young
life had he seen anything like this. There was a large, heavily decorated
room with a bar at the back. There were easy chairs all around with men and
women sitting together, some of them rather entangled together, Hoss thought.
The women were dressed as scantily as Hoss had ever seen. His eyes were
bugging out of his head at that, then Tom pointed out some of the pictures
on the walls to him. Hoss couldn't believe his eyes. Every picture was
of women - naked women - leaving nothing to the imagination. For the first
time in his life, Hoss now saw what a naked woman looked like. He was finding
this mighty interesting.
Adam, on the other
hand, was embarrassed that he had brought his young brother into this place
and wished he could think of some way to get him out of there quick. But
Tom and Lanny pulled them both over to the bar and ordered up some more beers.
Adam found himself drinking another beer, then another. He refused to let
Hoss drink anymore, though. Hoss was obviously feeling the ones he had already
drank and Adam didn't want to risk him getting falling down drunk.
Unfortunately, about
that time Tom and a stranger at the bar had gotten into an argument about
something, and before Adam even knew what was happening they were all embroiled
in a bar fight, the likes of which hadn't been seen in Virginia City in
some time. Adam pushed Hoss under a table after somebody had tried to hit
him with a whisky bottle and ordered him to stay put.
By the time all
was said and done, the bottom floor of Queenie's was smashed up pretty bad,
the Sheriff had been called in, a good part of the men in the place had been
carted off to the jail, and Adam and Hoss found themselves sitting in Roy's
office.
Roy had had plenty
to say to Adam about what had gone on, the fact that he was drunk, the fact
that he had let his 12-year-old brother drink to the point of inebriation,
the fact that they were even in Queenie's, and the fact that they had gotten
mixed up in a fight there. But Roy knew that Ben would take care of the
situation and take care of it good, so he set off to accompany the boys back
to the Ponderosa.
*************
Adam had been mulling
over the night's events in his somewhat addled head, and knew he was probably
in for the biggest trouble of his life. Adam didn't have a clue as to what
his father would do to him about this, but he knew it wouldn't be good.
He also knew that what was going to bother him the most would be the way he
knew Ben was going to look at him, the words that were going to be said, and,
most especially, the look of disappointment he knew was going to be in his
father's eyes. Drunk as he was, he knew that was going to be the hardest
thing he would have to bear this night.
The closer they
got to the Ponderosa, the more scared he was feeling. He had never really
been "afraid" of his father in his whole life, but he was scared to death
of what was coming. In addition to all of that, he was getting very sick
to his stomach. He knew part of that was the liquor, but part of it was
facing his father. Every single time he had had to face his father when
he had done something wrong, it had made him sick to his stomach - and this
was the first time he had had to face him when he'd also been drinking, not
to mention the fact that he had let his young brother get drunk, too.
Soon they could
see the lights of the house. Adam was really feeling sick now. What on
earth was he going to say to explain this mess? Sadly, he knew there was
no explanation on God's green earth that would be good enough to save him
from what was coming. He tried to think of the worst that could happen -confinement
to the ranch for who knew how long, the lecture of his life - of those he
was fairly certain, but what else - perhaps his father wouldn't allow him
to go to college after all. The latter was worrying him the most, but even
beyond that was still the picture in his mind of his father's look of disappointment
in him.
As they rode up
to the house, Ben came running out to meet them. Adam couldn't even look
in his father's direction. The only place he could look was down. His stomach
was churning up so bad, he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to hold
his dinner down.
On the other hand,
Hoss giggled, then giggled again and said, "Hi there Pa, how you doin' tonight?"
and slipped rather ungracefully off his horse into a limp, giggling heap on
the ground.
Ben ran to him,
took hold of his arm and pulled him onto his feet. "Hoss, what the devil
is wrong with you?" But the minute he asked the question, he knew the answer.
He could smell the liquor on his breath and the lanterns around the porch
illuminated the silly expression on his 12-year-old's face.
"Drunk, Hoss you've
been drinking! What the hell is going on here? Adam?" He looked up at
Adam, but Adam was still looking at the ground. Ben then realized Roy was
with them.
"Ben let's get your
boys inside and we'll have a little talk."
"Oh, we'll have
a little talk all right, you can bet your life on that," Ben's voice rang
out angrily.
Roy got off his
horse and tied it and Chubb up to the hitching rail. Ben looked up and said,
"Adam get off that horse and get in the house right now."
Adam slid off Sport,
tied him to the rail, then immediately bent over and lost his dinner right
next to the front porch.
Ben had got Hoss
inside and onto the settee with Roy close behind, then turned and went back
out to meet Adam. He got there in time to see what had happened. He went
up to Adam and the smell of his son reeking of alcohol even overwhelmed the
smell of his lost dinner by the porch.
"Adam, what in the
world has gotten into you? Get into that house immediately."
Adam had stopped
retching and he walked as fast as his legs could carry him, staggering slightly,
into the house.
Ben came in behind
him, took him by the upper arm with an iron grip and sat him down on the
settee next to Hoss. Roy had settled himself into the blue chair by the
fireplace.
*************
Ben sat down on
the table in front of the settee where he could look both boys in the eye,
but neither boy could look at him. On seeing his Pa and the look in his
father's eyes and hearing his angry voice, Hoss had suddenly become a bit
more sober and realized he was not feeling as good as he thought he was.
"I want both of
you to look at me when I speak to you - right now!" Their heads both popped
up at the same time, but Adam had a hard time looking in his father eyes.
It was there - in addition to the anger, there was that look of disappointment
that he knew would be there and it was making him sick to his stomach again.
"Adam, I want you
to explain this to me right now and I don't want any fiddling around the subject,
and I want that explanation this instant!"
Adam drew a deep
breath and started, "Well, Pa, I'm really sorry....ah, it's like this, uh.....well,
I took Hoss to the supper and the dance." He stopped. He knew his words
were slurred, partly from the state he was in and partly because he was scared.
"Continue!" his
father thundered and Adam jumped at the sound.
"Well, we met up
with some of the guys and well, we.... uh....we."
"We went to the
Bucket of Blood, Pa. They just wanted to show me what it looked like in
there," Hoss chimed in.
"Eric, I was not
speaking to you. You keep quiet. You and I will have plenty to talk about
later. Right now I am speaking to your brother and until I ask you something,
keep your mouth closed. Is that understood?"
"Hoss stammered,
"Yes sir, Pa," and immediately shut his mouth.
"All right Adam,
let's hear it!" commanded Ben.
"Well, Pa, yeah,
we took him to the Bucket of Blood and one of the guys wanted Hoss to see
what beer tasted like."
"And you let your
brother drink it, do I understand you correctly?" Ben's voice had dropped
from the thundering tone down a few octaves. That scared Adam even more.
He knew that when his father was really angry, his voice got softer rather
than louder.
"Yes Sir," he answered.
"There's more isn't
there? You had plenty to drink yourself didn't you? Finish the story!"
"Yes, Sir," I had
some to drink, too. Guess I wasn't thinkin' too straight after that and I
let them talk me into us all taking Hoss over to Queenie's."
"Queenie's? You
took your 12-year-old brother into a brothel?" This time Ben's voice was
even softer. Adam kept his eyes on his father's face as he had been told
to do, but he really couldn't look him straight in the eye.
"Yes, Sir, but we
only took him in there to look, just to see what it looked like in there.
That's all, I promise."
"I see, and had
you ever been in there before yourself, Adam?"
Adam blushed deeply
as he answered, "Yes, Sir, but only to see what it was like in there. We
stayed on the bottom floor, I swear it, Pa."
Ben glanced over
at Roy, who was hiding a small grin on his face with his hand, which seemed
to anger Ben even more when he saw it.
"All right, there
must be more to this story, otherwise Roy wouldn't be here. Let's hear it
all, boy."
"Well," Adam hesitated,
but then went on, "Well, Sir, some of the boys we were with got into a fight
with some guy who was already there and before we knew what happened there
was a big fight going on, uh.... a lot of stuff there got smashed up, and
Sheriff Coffee came and arrested some people and took us to his office."
"I see," said Ben
shortly, turning to Roy.
"Is that about it,
Roy, or is there more?"
"Well, Ben, there
was considerable damage done at Queenie's. She's going to total up the cost
of the damage and then I'm gonna divide it out amongst those I was able to
get hold off and get to the jail, including these two. So I imagine you'll
be getting a bill in a couple of days on that."
"Otherwise, that's
about it, Ben. I wanted Adam here to be the one to tell you and he's done
it, so I'll be on my way." He stood up then and proceeded to the door with
Ben following along.
He shook Roy's hand
and thanked him for accompanying the boys home and apologized for his sons'
actions.
"Now, Ben," Roy
said softly so that Adam and Hoss couldn't hear, "Remember you and I were
once their age. You know boys will be boys sometimes. Hope you won't come
down too hard on Adam there. He's was pretty 'fraid to face you tonight."
"Humph, boys will
be boys maybe, but not my boys. You can believe I will take care of my boys
on this subject and they'll work off every cent I have to pay to Queenie."
"I know that, Ben.
Well, I best be getting back to town now. Remember, Ben, we were once their
age."
He walked out the
door to his horse. Ben closed the door softly behind him and walked back
over in front of fire, paced back and forth a couple of times, then looked
down at his boys.
"All right, Eric,
you get up to your bed right now. You and I will have a little talk about
this tomorrow."
Hoss jumped up and
loped up the stairs, glad to be getting away from the scene in the living
room, but worrying about what was coming tomorrow.
Adam was staring
at the floor. By now he was biting his lip as hard as he could because he
could feel tears threatening, and the last thing he wanted to do was end up
blubbering like a 6-year-old. He could feel Ben's eyes on him, but he couldn't
look up at him.
"Boy, look at me!"
Ben ordered.
Adam reluctantly
pulled his eyes upwards, but couldn't really look his father straight in
the eye.
"Son, I am very
disappointed in you tonight."
With that, Adam
couldn't hold the tears back. He bit his lip even harder and reached up
and brushed the back of his arm across his eyes.
"But you are in
no condition tonight to discuss the consequences of your behavior. I want
you to go on up to your room, get to bed, and tomorrow morning, bright and
early, you and I will have a very serious discussion about your immature
actions tonight."
"Do you understand
me, boy?"
"Yes, Sir," and
the tears started to flow freely. He couldn't stop them and was aware that
his father could see them. He prayed he wouldn't start sobbing until he could
get to his room.
"All right, then,
get upstairs now."
Adam stood up shakily
and walked across the room and up the stairs as fast as he could without running,
which he knew would anger his father even more.
Ben sighed, hung
his head, and stared into the fire. What was he going to say and do in the
morning? At this moment, he didn't know himself.
********************
The sobbing started
as soon as Adam got through his bedroom door. He fell onto his bed and pushed
his face into the pillow, hoping that no one in the house would hear him.
He hated the fact that he was bawling like a baby, and he couldn't get stopped
for a couple of minutes, but finally was able to pull himself together.
He got up, took
off his alcohol/vomit-reeking clothes, cleaned himself up, put his nightshirt
on and got into bed, but he knew this was a night in which he wouldn't be
getting much sleep.
Sure enough, bright
and early the next morning, Ben knocked lightly on his door and walked into
his room. Adam had just awakened from the little bit of sleep that he had
finally gotten. As Ben walked in, he sat up immediately and then stood up.
He felt even less like looking his father in the eye this morning than he
had last night, plus his head was throbbing with a hangover and his mouth
was dry as cotton.
"All right, young
man, do you have anything to say for yourself this morning?" Ben asked in
his sternest voice. "And please look at me when I speak to you."
Adam raised his
eyes, "No Sir. It was all my fault and I'm really sorry I disappointed you,
Pa. I'll do anything I can to try to make it up to you and pay you the money
back. Uh .... I don't know what else to say."
"Hmmph! Ben Cartwright's
money going to a brothel, thanks to you."
"Adam, sometimes
being sorry just isn't enough and this is one of those times. You set an
extremely poor example for Hoss, and I don't even know what to say to Little
Joe about this - I'm sure he will know something has happened, and I'm going
to have to figure out a way to explain this to him. He looks up to you so
much. You know that. And so does Hoss. I just cannot imagine what you were
thinking last night." He fixed his gaze sternly on his eldest son and Adam
found himself trying to focus anywhere but on those steely eyes of his father.
"All right, Adam,
if anyone had told me before last night that something like this would have
happened, I would have said no way. I thought you had finally grown up and
could be trusted, trusted to keep yourself out of this kind of trouble and
trusted to take better care of your younger brother, but I would have been
wrong."
"Because you behaved
as a child, you will be punished as a child, the same punishment that Hoss
will receive. Hoss is 12 and old enough to make right choices, but I imagine
that was a little tough to do when he had his 17-year-old brother leading
him along. So you will have Hoss' punishment on your conscience, also."
"First, you will
be confined to this ranch for six weeks and when I say confined, I mean it.
You had better not set foot off this ranch for those entire six weeks, except
for church on Sunday, or I will know the reason why."
"Secondly, you and
Hoss will be given a list of extra chores to be done around here to earn off
the money you owe to Queenie."
"Now, thirdly, and
this is a very unhappy moment for me, Adam, as I had thought some time ago
that you were too old be given a whipping as punishment, but you have proved
me wrong again by your behavior last night."
Adam , disbelievingly,
watched his father unbuckle his belt. This he never expected and his innate
rebellion started to kick in.
"But, Pa, I am
too old to be gettin' a tanning. I'm not a kid anymore. You can't really
mean this. I'll stay on the ranch and I'll work real hard to pay off that
money, but this isn't fair - come on, Pa. You don't mean it," the tone of
Adam's voice rising with every word of protest.
"I most certainly
do mean it, Adam," Ben replied sternly as he finished taking off the thick
leather belt and doubling it up. "An adult would not have taken his 12-year-old
brother into a saloon, let him get drunk and then take him on to a brothel."
Adam started to
back up against his bed, but he realized that Ben did indeed mean it, and
Adam knew he would never physically fight against his father.
The funny thing
was that the first thought in his head was that he wished he had gotten up
early enough to have put on his heavy jeans. His second thought was the
realization that he had brought this upon himself. The rest of his thoughts
were of the pain as Ben inflicted upon him the severest whipping of his life.
Ben was a strong man and had never believed in sparing the rod, though it
had not ever been a very pleasant father's duty for him. Adam managed to
grit his teeth and get through it without yelling out, but he couldn't hold
back the tears - partly due to the pain, but mostly due to his complete humiliation
at this form of punishment at his age.
As Ben laced his
belt back through its loops, he said, "Son, I expect you to get dressed and
join the rest of us for breakfast, which will be just as soon as I finish
talking with Hoss."
***************
Adam and Hoss tried
very hard over the next weeks to work out their punishment and gain back
their father's trust. Adam did indeed feel very guilty about the punishment
Hoss received and did as much as he could to help his younger brother out
with all the extra work that was assigned to them. But he couldn't take back
the lecture or the tanning Hoss had received. Hoss didn't seem to hold it
against him, though, but had resolved to himself that he certainly wasn't
going to touch beer again anytime soon.
It wasn't difficult
for Adam to stay confined to the ranch and do the extra work until about
three weeks later, while in church with his family, he spotted a young lady
new to Virginia City whose looks made his heart do a flip-flop. Her name
was Jenny Henderson. Her father, Gabe Henderson, was the new owner of the
Lucky Strike Mine, one of the largest and most successful mining operations
in the Virginia City area. They had moved to Virginia City from San Francisco,
where Jenny had lived all of her life, because Gabe wanted to have hands-on
operation of his newest business venture. He was an extremely successful,
wealthy man. His daughter, Jenny, was a beautiful girl with strawberry blonde
hair and lovely aquamarine eyes, eyes like nothing Adam had ever seen before
in his life. Her skin was like sweet cream and she had an infectious laugh
and a twinkle in her eye. Adam fell like a ton of bricks on first meeting.
Jenny was not above a little flirting herself. She thought Adam the most
attractive and intelligent boy she had come across in this little backwater
that she had been forced to move to.
They were introduced
by their respective fathers at church that first day and managed to have a
little time to themselves for conversation. Jenny invited Adam to come to
their home that evening for dinner, but Adam had to decline. When she asked
him why he couldn't make it, he blushed and did his best to avoid answering
the question. Jenny persisted, however, and asked Adam what he was going
to be doing the next afternoon. Adam answered that he was going to be riding
fence line to check for any need of repairs.
"Well, Adam, what
if instead of riding fence line tomorrow, you were to meet me just outside
of Virginia City and you and I could go for a little ride together. I'd love
to have you show me around a little."
Adam started to
say no, but looking into those eyes made him hesitate just long enough.
Actually, as long as they weren't seen by anyone from the ranch, no one would
know that he was off the ranch. The fence line task he was assigned for
the entire next week was a solitary one, and he knew if he was careful he
could probably get away with it. For some reason, his promises to his father
about responsibly working out his punishment seemed to go out the window
when he looked into those eyes.
He started spending
every spare minute that he possibly could with Jenny, and found her to be
as intelligent as he with many of the same interests in books, music, art,
the world. Jenny was unlike any girl he had ever met before. She flirted
unmercifully with him and soon they were finding every opportunity they could
to be alone and to steal kisses from one another.
Adam managed to
get most of his work done and yet still sneak off the ranch to meet Jenny.
He felt pangs of guilt, but the more he did it, the less he felt guilty,
and the more he saw Jenny, the more he wanted to see her.
At the end of the
six-week confinement, his father released Hoss and Adam from their punishment
and praised them for their hard work and obedience. That little talk was
another hard one for Adam to get through and the guilt had come flooding back,
but thoughts of Jenny kept him quiet.
One day they happened
to be alone at her house, something her father really wouldn't approve of,
but their housekeeper had gone shopping and Jenny said there was really no
good reason why Adam shouldn't be able to visit her. Adam was a little reluctant
as to the propriety of it, but couldn't resist Jenny's entreaties to stay.
They were seated
together on the settee in the front room of her spacious house and Adam couldn't
resist kissing her. But something changed between them and Jenny was insinuating
her body closer and closer to him, seeming to mold herself to his form. He
was beginning to become aroused and he knew he needed to break it off before
something happened that they would both be sorry for. Adam had never been
with a woman yet, even though some of the saloon girls had tried to entice
him up to their rooms. He felt that, at least for now, it was something
he better not be doing - not just yet. His father had tried to instill certain
morals in his sons, and he knew that his father would definitely not approve.
Ben had had a talk with his eldest son about the ways of men and women, but
that the union of a man and a woman was a sacred act that was to be saved
for the marriage bed.
Beyond that, he
knew that if he ever took advantage of a girl like Jenny, his father would
be deeply disappointed, he would be expected to marry her immediately, not
to speak of possibly having an irate father after him with a shotgun.
So, though it was
one of the more difficult things he had done in his life, he resisted Jenny's
advances and said, rather breathlessly, "Jenny, I'm sorry but we can't do
this. I'm really sorry for letting myself go like this and not having more
control," taking the blame upon himself. Jenny gave him a rather petulant
look and then turned away.
"Well, Adam, I think
it's time you were going. If I remember correctly, you said you had some
supplies you had to pick up."
Adam sighed, stood
up and said, "Sorry, Jenny, I do have to go. I hope I can see you again soon."
"Certainly, Adam.
I will see you in church on Sunday. Good afternoon. I think you know the
way out."
Adam walked down
the front walkway of the house and climbed on his horse with a perplexed look
on his face.
***************
From that point
on, Jenny seemed to avoid Adam and though he tried mightily to gain back
their former relationship, she made it plain she wasn't interested.
Then a few weeks
later, Adam came in from the range and was surprised to see Gabe Henderson's
surrey sitting at the Ponderosa. He put up Sport in the barn and walked
into the house. His father was sitting at his desk, while Mr. Henderson
was seated in a chair in front of the desk. Ben had a grim look on his face,
but then so did Mr. Henderson. Adam was curious as to their business and
immediately walked over to them.
"Hello, Mr. Henderson,
nice to see you, sir."
Ben looked up at
his son and stood up, but Mr. Henderson remained seated and didn't respond
to Adam's hand outstretched in greeting. Adam slowly pulled his hand back
and looking questioningly at his father. The look on Ben's face was none
too comforting.
"Adam, Mr. Henderson
has come here today with something to tell us and I'd like to hear what you
have to say about it."
"Sure, Pa... what
is it, Mr. Henderson?"
Henderson raised
up quickly out of his chair and glared at Adam, which made Adam take a small
step backward.
"I'll tell you why
I'm here, you young scalawag. If I'd known what you were up to, I wouldn't
have let you anywhere near my girl. But I knew your father here had a certain
reputation and I thought I could trust her with you, but I was certainly mistaken,
wasn't I ?"
Adam was mystified
and again looked questioningly at his father.
"Now, Mr. Henderson,
Ben interjected, "calm down and tell him what you're talking about before
you go off half-cocked here."
Henderson took a
deep breath, trying to calm himself, then proceeded, "Adam, Jenny is with
child and I expect you and she to be married immediately." We will spirit
you two off to San Francisco, citing an elopement." You can be quickly and
quietly married there and stay there with a job in my organization at least
until after the child comes. Then if you wish to come back here, we can talk
about it then."
Adam stared at Henderson
with a dumbfounded expression on his face. This was probably the last thing
on earth he ever expected to be hearing from this man, and he was thunderstruck
to say the least.
"Now, Gabe, give
Adam a chance to say something here."
"Adam," Ben took
a deep breath, I know you and Jenny were seeing a lot of each other a while
back, and frankly I thought you two were getting rather serious. I have to
ask you, son, is this true? Are you the father of Jenny's child?"
"What do you mean
by that, Cartwright?" Henderson roared. "Are you calling my daughter a liar.
Of course, he's the father. She said so and I believe her."
"I said calm down,
Gabe. I'm not calling Jenny anything, but my boy deserves a chance to have
his say in this matter." He looked at Adam and motioned for him to answer.
Adam looked at his
father, at Henderson, then back at Ben. "Pa, I swear on my word of honor,
I am not the father. I couldn't be because Jenny and I never....."
"Wait a minute,
son, are you saying it's impossible for you to be the father?"
"That's just what
I'm saying, Pa. Absolutely what I'm saying."
Gabe Henderson was
sputtering furiously, "Why you lying, good-for-nothing."
"Now just a minute,
Gabe," Ben yelled. "You will not come into my home, make accusations of that
kind against my son and then not hear him out."
Ben Cartwright and
Gabe Henderson glared at each other, while Adam stood there with a complete
look of stupefaction on his face. What had Jenny done? And why had she picked
him to pull this on? It was immediately obvious that she must have been
afraid to tell her father who the real culprit in this matter was and had
decided to put the blame on Adam. He realized now why she had thrown herself
at him on that day and why she was disappointed at his reluctance to succumb.
She had in mind to lay this at his feet all along, hoping that it would
have been sealed by the reality of their having been together. But they
hadn't and now she was going to try to drag him into it anyway. He couldn't
help but be angered, but he also felt a certain sympathy with her situation.
But there was no way he was going to be taken in by her and suffer the consequences
of something that, in reality, had nothing to do with him.
"Mr. Henderson,
Jenny is a very nice girl and I like her a lot, but we have hardly seen each
other in the last few weeks and I swear that I could not be the father of
her child. I simply could not be. We were never together in that way -
for that matter, I've never been with any ......," he blushed and ducked
his head at that point, and couldn't finish his thought out loud.
Ben felt a major
amount of tension go out of him. He knew Adam was telling the truth. When
Gabe had arrived with his story, he had not really wanted to believe him,
but knowing how young men could react to a girl like Jenny, he knew there
was a possibility of it being true. He was so relieved, he almost grinned
when Adam couldn't finish his sentence.
Though Gabe was
still seething, he had a very strong feeling all of a sudden that he was
being told the truth. He hadn't gotten to where he was today without being
a judge of men and he sensed the depth of sincerity in this young man's emphatic
denials. He felt the anger drain out of him and replaced with a feeling of
defeat. Jenny had lied to him. He was sure of it now. He had usually known
in the past when she was lying to him, and when she told him that Adam was
the boy who had gotten her with child, he had the smallest niggling feeling
in the back of his mind that she was not being straight with him. But he
had accepted it because it was what he wanted to believe. Adam was certainly
preferable to the person he now knew must be the one - Scott Henshaw, the
son of one of his business partners and someone Jenny had been seeing in San
Francisco before they moved to Nevada. Gabe had never thought much of Scott.
He was a rich man's son with no backbone, lazy and worthless, in Gabe's
opinion, but Jenny had gone after him the first time she saw him. Scott
was as handsome a young man as there was around and a charmer to boot. Gabe
had tried to keep Jenny away from him, but she had a mind of her own. He
should have gotten her away from the city long ago, he realized. Well, it
was all too late now.
"Ben, Adam... I'm
sorry. I do believe you son," he nodded to Adam. I apologize for my coming
here and for my daughter's duplicity in this. I hope you can forgive her.
She is a frightened child. That's all I can say in her defense. I'm truly
sorry to have brought this to your doorstep, Ben. I hope you will accept
my apologies."
*****************
After Henderson
left, Ben looked at his son and gave him a small grin. Adam grinned back.
"Pa, I'm awfully
glad you believed me, but I'm especially glad Mr. Henderson finally did, too."
"Well, so am I son.
I'm just sorry I had to even ask you the question. Jenny must be a very
mixed up young lady." I think she needs our sympathy, even though it wasn't
a very nice thing to do to you, son."
"Oh, I agree, Pa.
I'm not going to hold it against her. I kind of have my doubts that I'll
even ever see her again."
"Yes, son, I think
you may be right there. I expect Gabe will be hurrying her back to San Francisco
as soon as possible. I had the feeling before he left that he had figured
out who the person was that she had been involved with, and I would imagine
he's going to have a little talk with him.
Ben had sat down
at his desk and started looking over the books again.
"Uh....Pa," Adam
said very softly, "there's something I need to talk to you about."
"Well, certainly,
son, sit down. What is it?" He looked at Adam's face and immediately closed
up the ledger book and focused entirely on his son.
"Well, Pa ... umm,
I have something to tell you and it's gonna make you mad, but it's been eating
at me and I know I've disappointed you again, but I...." He was having a
devil of a time getting it out.
"Son, go ahead -
there isn't anything you can't talk to me about. I hope you know that. Even
if it makes me angry, we can work it through together."
Adam felt even more
guilty at that, but finally was able to tell Ben how he had disobeyed him,
not done all the work he was supposed to have done and had gone off the ranch
during his supposed confinement, all to see Jenny. He hung his head in shame,
finally realizing what a fool he had made of himself in every way - once again!
Ben looked at his
son for a long time before finally saying, "Well, son, I guess you know you
could have gone on forever and never have told me this, so I'm happy that
you were able admit this to me. You did deliberately disobey me, but at least
you have come forward and told the truth when you didn't really have to,
so this time there will be another two weeks' confinement and extra chores.
All I can say is that I hope you have learned your lesson, finally, this
time."
"I have, Pa, I promise
you I have," and he meant it. He finally felt good about himself for the
first time in months.
**********************************
About that time,
Little Joe bounded down the stairs and Ben and Adam decided it would be a
good time to change the subject. Adam couldn't help but feel good that his
father had believed in him about this, especially since the drinking fiasco
of a few months before. He had felt since then like he was walking on eggshells
around his father, and was trying his best to earn back the trust he knew
he had lost over that incident. Somehow, with the day's happenings, he felt
like some of that trust had been regained, though he probably still had a
ways to go yet on that front.
Little Joe came
running across the room and jumped up into Adam's arms. Adam laughed and
tickled his little brothers ribs, eliciting a fit of high-pitched giggles
and screams of "Stop it, Adam, stop it."
"Okay, boys, that's
enough roughhousing for now. Take it easy."
"Okay, Pa," Adam
laughed again as he put Joe back down on the floor.
Joe turned to his
Pa and asked, "Can I go outside and play, Pa?"
"Sure son, go ahead,
but stay close to the house because dinner will be ready soon, okay?"
"Okay, Pa, I will,"
promised Joe, and out the door he ran.
"Well, guess I better
get out to the barn and get my chores done, Pa."
"All right, Adam,
keep a bit of an eye on Little Joe, will you?"
"Sure, Pa," Adam
answered as he also went out the door.
*****************
Almost the minute
Adam shut the door, Ben heard him screaming at the top of his lungs, "Little
Joe, no..... no.....Joe.... get away , get away from there." Ben practically
flew to the door and then ran out. He saw Adam headed toward the corral
at a dead run. Ben's heart jumped into his throat as he saw why Adam was
yelling. Little Joe had climbed up onto the top rail of the corral and was
precariously balanced there while holding his hand out towards the horse in
the corral. That horse was Lucifer, the newest of their breeding stock and
a meaner horse Ben had never seen. Little Joe had been warned over and
over to stay away from him.
Ben ran after Adam.
He finally let out his breath, as he watched Little Joe quickly climb back
down the corral fence as Adam neared him.
"Gosh darn it, Little
Joe, you been told a hundred times to stay away from that horse," Adam yelled
at his baby brother.
'Well, gee whiz,
Adam, I was only tryin' to make friends with him," Ben heard Joe say as he
walked up to them.
"Joseph, I have
told you repeatedly to stay away from that horse. He's dangerous and I don't
want you anywhere near him." With that, he grabbed hold of the back of Joe's
neck, turned him around towards the house and escorted him quickly back,
landing several well-placed swats on his young son's backside as he marched
him to the house.
Adam let out his
breath with a whoosh and shook his head. Little Joe was the apple of all
their eyes, but he could sure be a pain sometimes. The little stinker knew
no fear where horses were concerned. It was funny, he was still afraid of
the dark and had to have the lamp lit all night long, and there were other
things he was afraid of, but not horses. He really had a kinship with horses,
much as Hoss did with all animals, but he needed to learn caution, especially
where Lucifer was concerned. The animal would be the start of some really
fine breeding stock, but children had no business being around him. He hoped
those swats of Pa's and the talking-to that he knew Joe was receiving would
get through to the little boy. They were all going to have to watch that
little fellow much more closely.
Adam sighed. Pa
had promised that Adam could leave for college in another year, but Adam sometimes
wondered if he really could let himself go that soon. Joe was such a handful,
even with Pa, Hop Sing, Hoss, Adam, plus the hands to watch him. Well, maybe
in a year's time, Joe would be a little easier to handle than he was now.
Adam never remembered Hoss being anything like Little Joe at this age.
Hoss was always so easygoing and biddable, always trying to mind the rules
as best he could. All three of them were so different, but he really couldn't
imagine either of his brothers being any different than they were, nor would
he wish them to be. He turned back to go to the barn to do the chores that
he had set out to do earlier.
************************
It was morning a
few weeks later when Adam and Hoss were working on transferring a wagonload
of hay into the barn. Ben was sitting at the table on the porch working on
the books out there because it was such a beautiful warm morning. He really
hated working on the books and decided that if he had to do it, at least
he could take advantage of the lovely summer morning, plus keep an eye on
Little Joe as he played outside.
Hop Sing came out
to consult with Ben about the list of supplies that Ben was going to be getting
in town later in the day, and Ben took his mind off the books for a minute
and, unfortunately, off of Little Joe.
Adam was standing
inside the wagon forking out the hay onto a wheelbarrow, which Hoss was then
wheeling into the barn. Adam raised up for a minute, took his hat off to
wipe the sweat off his brow when he caught sight of a scene that virtually
froze him in place for a split second, then he leaped off the wagon and sped
towards the corral. Joe had actually gone under the fence and was holding
out an apple towards Lucifer.
The huge horse was
backing up and pawing the ground as Joe advanced on him with the apple in
his hand and a smile on his face. Adam was afraid to even yell, for fear
of spooking the horse even further. He ran as hard as he could towards the
corral fence , reached up to the top rail and cleared the fence in a graceful
leap just as the horse suddenly started coming towards Joe. Joe realized
the danger in that instant and turned to run, but got his feet tangled up
and he fell virtually under the front of the horse as it reared back on its
hind legs. Adam jumped on top of Joe, curled into a ball with Joe under him,
holding Joe down with his body, then held his arms over the back of his own
head. At that point, Lucifer's hooves came crashing down on Adam's back.
The pain was incredible, but all Adam could think of was to protect his
little brother. He took one hand and pushed Joe's head down further under
his own chest while the horse raised up again and this time the hooves landed
on the back of Adam's head. The horse continued to rear and trample the
object in front of him that had spooked him.
By that time, Hoss,
Ben, Hop Sing and one of the hands had reached the corral. Hoss and Ben were
immediately over the fence and waving their hats at the horse, trying to
scare him back away from the two on the ground. Charlie, the hand, came
up also and between the three of them, they were able to get the horse backed
off. Charlie threw a loop over Lucifer's head and pulled him back safely
away.
Ben and Hoss both
sank to their knees and confronted the image in front of them. Adam was still
curled over Joe, but his shirt was shredded and his back and head were bleeding.
Ben reached out
and gently turned him on his side to see how Joe was. Joe wriggled out from
under Adam's body and started sobbing, partly due to his fright from the horse
and partly from seeing what had happened to his big brother. Hop Sing had
come in the corral and pulled Joe to him and looked him over quickly.
"Lil Joe okay, Mr.
Catlight, him just fine. Mr. Adam save him okay. He not hurt at all."
Ben breathed a sigh
of relief as he heard Hop Sing reassure him, but he was sickened at the sight
of his oldest son's injuries.
It was obvious that
Adam was completely limp and unconscious. His back was a mass of shirt,
flesh, dirt and blood all mixed together in a frightening pattern. He had
a copiously bleeding, deep gash in the back of his head.
"Charlie, tie that
horse up quickly and get to town and bring Doc Martin out here as fast as
you can go."
"Yessir, boss,"
Charlie complied and raced to do Ben's bidding.
"Hop Sing, get Joe
back into the house and get some bandages and water up to Adam's room right
away."
"Pa, Hoss asked,
his voice shaking and barely holding the tears back, "what can I do to help?"
Ben was palpating
Adam's body, trying to see if he could feel any broken bones before he tried
to move him. He knew at least a couple of his ribs were broken, but that's
about all he could tell for sure. He was scared to death of some kind of
internal injury and what he knew to be a very serious head wound.
"Hoss, go ahead
of me and clear the way. I'm going to carry him into the house and up to
his room. Hold the doors for me." With that, he carefully and gently picked
up his son in his arms. Hoss ran to hold the corral gate open for them.
Adam was heavy for Ben, but he hardly noticed as he carried him up to his
room. The only thing Ben was thinking was a repeated plea to God to save
his oldest son.
They reached Adam's
room and Ben gently laid him back on the bed, still holding his back and head
up. Hop Sing was right behind with bandages and water.
"Hoss, see if you
can get his boots off, but be careful, then unbuckle his belt and take that
off." Hoss did as he was told. He couldn't help it now - the tears were
running down his face as he did it. Adam was his beloved older brother, his
best friend, his protector, and he was scared to death for him.
Ben then gently,
with Hoss' help, turned Adam and laid him down on his stomach. He turned
Adam's head on the pillow so he was facing away from them so he could deal
with the head wound. He positioned Adam's arms around the pillow with his
elbows bent, hoping that would be the most comfortable position for him, but
also knowing that at that moment Adam was not even cognizant of pain. Ben
grabbed a quilt that was folded on a chest at the end of Adam's bed and put
it over Adam's legs while he prepared to try to tend to his wounds as best
he could while waiting for the doctor.
He knew he had to
get the shreds of Adam's shirt pulled away from his wounds before the blood
dried them to his flesh, but first he tied a bandage around Adam's head as
tight as he could to try to stem the flow of blood from the head wound. He
then worked for the next two hours, little by little cleaning the shirt
and the dirt out of his wounds, praying the whole time for the doctor to hurry
up and for God to spare his boy.
He was worried that
Adam didn't rouse during all that time or seem to even be aware of the pain
that Ben was afraid he was causing as he worked on the wounds. It sickened
Ben to see the outline of hoof prints on Adam's back.
He looked up once
at the doorway and saw Joe standing there, the tears rolling, his face white
as a sheet.
"Hoss, take Little
Joe to his room and stay with him there, please. I'll let you know if I need
you."
"Joe, go with Hoss
now like a good boy. Adam will be all right. Doc Martin will be here soon
and will take good care of him. Don't you worry."
"But, Pa," Joe sobbed,
"it's my fault, I shouldna went to see Lucifer. I only wanted to take him
an apple. I didn't want Adam to get hurt. I'm awful sorry, Pa. I didn't
mean it."
"I know you didn't
mean it, Little Joe," Ben soothed. "Don't worry about that now. Your brother
is going to be okay. Now you go with Hoss and let him read you a story.
Hop Sing and I will take good care of Adam. You be a good boy now and go
with Hoss, okay?"
"Joe sniffed and
hiccuped, but said, "Okay, Pa, I'll go."
Hoss led him off
toward Joe's bedroom, looking back once with frightened eyes. Ben gave him
back a reassuring look that indicated for him not to worry either, but they
both knew that wasn't going to happen.
Ben turned back
to Adam as he heard a small moan. "Son, just take it easy, you're gonna
be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. You saved your little brother's life
and you got hurt doing it, but you're gonna be fine, son."
*************************
Just as Ben had
done all he felt that he could to clean Adam's back wounds, Dr. Paul Martin
entered the bedroom.
"Hello, Ben. I
got here just as quickly as I could, " he announced as he walked across the
room to his friend and put his hand on Ben's shoulder." Ben turned and looked
up at Paul with the most pain the doctor had seen in his eyes since Marie's
death.
"Let me take a look
at him, Paul said reassuringly and put his bag on the nightstand next to Adam's
bed. Ben stood up to let Paul take his place. Paul spent a long time examining
Adam's head and back, then he asked Ben to help him remove Adam's jeans so
that he could inspect his legs. Then he and Ben very carefully turned Adam
over so that Paul could examine and palpate his chest and abdomen. Throughout
the examination, Adam only moved when they moved him and no sound was heard
from him again. That small moan earlier was the only sound he had made since
he was hurt. Paul directed Ben to help him turn Adam back to his original
position.
Ben watched Paul
work with a dreadful fear clutching at his heart.
Finally, Paul turned
to him and gave him his news. "Well, Ben, you've done a fine job of cleaning
the wounds on his back. About all we can do there is let time heal him.
He has two broken ribs on the right. I am hopeful there is no internal bleeding
as his abdomen is not distended, but only time will tell on that score, too."
"I am worried about
his head injury. He obviously has a concussion, but the question is whether
or not his skull is fractured. We are going to have to watch him very closely.
When he comes to, he may be sick to his stomach, which is to be expected
with concussion, but if he develops severe vomiting, we may be in for trouble.
You see, Ben, what can happen with a skull fracture is internal bleeding
within the brain, which builds up pressure inside his head. One of the first
signs of that is severe vomiting. Unfortunately, if there is bleeding and
it's bad enough and doesn't stop on it's own, there is nothing we can do for
him. One good thing is that I didn't see any blood coming from his ears
- that is a good sign. Ben, Adam is a very strong young man. You and I
both know that. All we can do now is wait, keep him comfortable and pray,
Ben, which I know you are already doing."
"Paul, I can't lose
him, Ben said beseechingly." I just lost Marie, I can't lose him, too. Isn't
there anything more we can do for him."
"Ben, I'm sorry.
I'm going to dress the wounds on his back, put another pressure bandage on
his head and his chest, and then it's just going to be a matter of waiting.
I know how hard this is for you, believe me I do," he said to his old, dear
friend, "but that is all we can do for now. After I finish here, Ben, I
have to get over to the Slocum's ranch and take a look in on old Tom Slocum.
You know he had a stroke last week and I promised Mrs. Slocum I'd be by there
today. I'll come right back here early tomorrow morning to check on Adam."
With that, he turned
to do the best he could with bandaging Adam up, and then gave Ben a bottle
of laudanum to use when Adam came to, as he was sure to be in much pain.
He decided not to tell Ben that there was every possibility that Adam would
not ever again wake up. He felt he couldn't take that little bit of hope
away from him.
"Now Ben, when he
does come to, he is going to be having considerable pain, but with the severe
head wound, he shouldn't be having but very little of the laudanum at a time.
I'll write down the instructions for you. We need to have him as alert and
awake as we can get him and the laudanum will tend to put him under again
and we don't want that for now, okay? Also, every so often, turn his head
to the other side, if he can't do it for himself. "
Ben nodded, his
heart in his throat, wondering how he was going to get through this night.
Always in the past, for as long as he could remember, when he had had to
face something like this, Adam had been the one he had turned to for support
- he realized that even when Adam was a young child, he had done that. Now
he had no one to turn to, except his younger boys, and he really didn't want
to do to them what he had done to Adam.
Hop Sing, who had
been hovering in the background all along, showed the doctor out, then came
back up the stairs to see what he could do to help. "Hop Sing, I'd appreciate
it the most if you could just keep an eye on Little Joe and Hoss for me.
Maybe take them downstairs and get them interested in something down there.
I'll sit here with Adam."
So for the next
many long hours, Ben sat by his son's bedside, sometimes just stroking his
hand, as the only place he felt he wouldn't hurt him by doing so. Finally,
after the younger boys had been put to bed by Hop Sing and Ben was sitting
there in the glow of the oil lamp, Adam started to moan .
"Adam, son, can
you hear me, are you awake boy?" Ben leaned over to see that Adam's eyes
were open. He wasn't really focusing, but he started to mumble something.
Ben had to listen closely to hear.
"Mama, mama, Indians
comin....Pa what...do... yeah, I'll hold the baby...Papa, mama's hurt, what
happened to her?" Adam grew agitated and tried to move, but couldn't. Ben
stroked his hand again.
"Son, you're all
right, you're here with Pa in your own bedroom."
"Pa, pa. Joe...
that horse....owww."
"Pa, can't let
nothin happen to Lil Joe...gotta take care of him. ....Pa loves him so much....gotta
get him away from the horse. Oowww....mmmm,
don't ya see, Pa can't live without Joe, gotta protect him....he doesn't need
me like he needs Joe...gotta get him away from the horse. Somebody help me
get him away. Can't let anything happen to Joe. He's the baby."
Ben's heart froze
at the words, "he doesn't need me like he needs Joe." Is that what Adam thought?
Oh, my God, have I made him feel that way somehow?
"Marie....Marie,
I'm sorry I was mean to you. Please don't die, Marie... please."
"Papa....why'd my
mama die? It was my fault. I know it was. She'd still be alive if it wasn't
for me. I'm sorry Pa...sorry, sorry I made her die."
Ben's eyes filled
up with tears as he heard these words, seeming to come from the depths of
Adam's soul. He knew that somewhere along the line Adam had gotten the idea
that he was to blame for his mother's death, and, try as he might over the
years, obviously his reassurances to the contrary had not been believed.
His poor, poor boy, taking all that upon himself, thinking he had killed his
mother, thinking that Ben loved Joe more than him.
****************
Ben didn't sleep
at all that night and Adam seemed to go back and forth in and out of consciousness.
When he did rouse, he wasn't coherent and continued in his state of delirium
through the night. Ben learned many things about his oldest son on that dreadful
night. Many of Adam's words made no sense at all, but those that did worried
his father deeply.
It finally sank
into Ben just what his son had been through in his life, and how through
it all, somewhere early on, Adam had seemed to lose his childhood long before
any boy should have to. He came to an understanding that night of Adam's
late start into teenage rebellion. He had had to be the "good" boy for so
long that eventually some of the usual teenage goings-on had finally come
forth at this late date just prior to his going out into the world on his
own. Adam had had to pull it all together for so long, it was only natural
that these things had to finally explode at some time. Ben also began to
have the sense that Adam had never had the time himself to really grieve
over Marie's death. With Ben's experience along those lines himself, he
knew that was a necessary ingredient to the healing process.
Many times through
the night Adam called out for "mama," which Ben knew to mean Inger, but he
also called to Marie and to Ben. He expressed guilt at his own mother's
death and guilt about Joe's accident with the horse. He expressed apparently
deeply-held feelings that Little Joe was more important to his father than
he was, though Ben detected no animosity towards Joe in that, only guilt that
somehow he hadn't taken better care of the little boy for his father's sake.
Through all of his
parenting years, Ben had had many misgivings about his abilities as a father,
but none so deep as that night as he felt somewhere along the line he had
let this boy down. He was determined that should, God willing, he be given
another chance, he would make his feelings plain to this child, that he loved
all his boys equally. Each was as important to him as the others and that
was, without any doubts in Ben's mind, the truth. He could not imagine his
life without any of them. Of course, Joe was the most demonstrative of
the three, but that did not mean that he didn't love Hoss or Adam just as
much as he did Joe.
Early morning came
and Adam finally seemed to fully come out of his delirium and become aware
of where he was and what had happened. He also became very much aware of
his pain, but his first coherent words to his father were,"Is Little Joe okay,
Pa? I don't remember what happened after I ran to the corral. Is Joe okay,
he pleaded."
"Yes, son, Joe is
not hurt in any way. You protected him completely with your own body and
saved his life. As little as he is, that horse would have killed him. You
saved his life and I am so grateful to you for that, son, but you risked yours
and have been hurt badly and I'm so sorry for that. What happened was my
fault, son. I should have kept a better eye on him. It was my job that
morning and I didn't do it. I knew how attracted he was to that horse and
I should have put the horse a long way from the house before this happened."
"I know you have
a lot of pain, Adam, and Doc Martin has left some medicine here for you, but
because of your head injury I can't give you as much as we would like." He
reached for the laudanum and gave Adam the medicine, hoping it would help
his obvious pain.
"Pa are you sure
Joe is okay? You're not just saying that?"
"I'm sure, son.
Last time I checked he was curled up in bed with Hoss. They've both been
very worried about you. Little Joe is very sorry that he caused this to happen
to you."
"Adam's eyes closed
again as the medicine took him off to what seemed to be real sleep as opposed
to unconsciousness, for which Ben was deeply grateful. He finally dozed himself
for a bit.
Hop Sing, Little
Joe and Hoss found them both that way a little later that morning, then Hop
Sing shooed them both downstairs.
Dr. Martin finally
entered the room again and gently put his hand on Ben's shoulder to wake him.
"Oh, Doc," Ben
shook the sleep off and pleaded with his eyes to know Adam's condition at
this point.
Paul gently examined
Adam's back and head wounds, waking him too as he did so. He then had Ben
help him carefully turn Adam onto his side against some soft pillows so that
Paul could inspect his chest and stomach.
"Well, young man,
looks like you're finally with us. How are you feeling? Are you dizzy or
sick to your stomach at all, son?"
"Only a little,
Doc, mostly my back hurts and I've got a bad headache."
"Well, that's to
be expected. As soon as I'm sure your head is doing better, we can increase
your dose of the pain medicine a little, but things are looking better today.
Your wounds are looking clean - you can thank your father for that. He took
real good care of you before I was able to get here yesterday."
"Well, Ben, I think
he's going to be just fine. His eyes look good, he's conscious and aware,
his wounds look better. I'd say all around, his young body is pulling him
through this just fine. I'm headed out to the Jenkins' place. Mary is in
labor. As soon as we get that baby delivered, I'll stop back, may be late
tonight, but I'll be back. Now don't get up, Ben. I can find my own way
out."
Ben smiled at him
thankfully and watched him go out the door, then looked back at his boy.
Adam seemed very
much alert and aware, and Ben felt it was time to get some things straight
between them.
"Son, last night
you were pretty much out of your head and did a lot of talking. You said
many things that have set me to thinking and I need to make some things clear
to you, okay?"
Adam looked questioningly
at his father. He had no memory of the previous night and had no idea what
Ben was getting at.
"Son, you said some
things while you were delirious about your being responsible for your own
mother's death. That makes me think you still have that thought in your mind,
though you and I have had a couple of discussions about this in the past."
You were the one
thing that made your mother happier than I ever saw her. She loved you from
the day she found out she was carrying you and when you were born, she was
in tears from the happiness of having you. You were the sweet expression
of your mother's and my love for each other."
"She was in fragile
health, Adam, before she and I were even married. We just didn't realize
how fragile. The doctor confided in me in later. There is also something
else that I never told you about. Just a few weeks prior to your birth, your
mother and grandfather had an argument and your mother accidentally had a
fall. That didn't help matters. Please don't ever think that her death
was your fault, son. You have a logical mind - think about it. Your mother
and I loved each other as much as any man and woman can."
"I love each of
you boys for the people that you are, for the fact that you are my children,
and for the fact that you are each a part of the three woman that I loved.
I don't love one of you more than the other. You are all precious beyond
words to me. You did a very brave thing in saving your baby brother and I
will always be grateful to you for that, but I certainly would not have wanted
you to be killed in his stead, nor did I want you to be hurt like you are.
It hurts my heart to see you like this, son, and to think that you blame
yourself for your mother's death, or that you think I love Joe more than
you is just simply not true. You are one of three parts of my life, son,
and to lose you would be to lose a very important part of myself. I love
you, Adam. Nothing on this earth is ever going to change that. I'm sure
that at one time or another through our lives, each of you boys might think
that I favor one over the other, but that is not true and will never be true."
His gentle eyes
bored into the questioning ones of his oldest son, and was shocked to see
two tears make their way down Adam's cheeks. He took Adam's face in both
of his large, strong hands and brushed the tears away with his thumbs, leaned
over and kissed Adam's forehead, saying, "I love you Adam, with every thing
that is in me, I love you." More tears came at that, but Ben could see an
acceptance in Adam's eyes that he wasn't sure he had ever seen there before.
He brushed the rest of the tears away and stroked his son's forehead.
"Now son, I want
you to rest, let us take good care of you, and soon you'll be back on your
feet as good as new. I want you and I to spend as much time together as we
can before you go off to school next year, so we need to have you well and
healthy, do you hear me, son?"
Adam's eyes shown
brightly as he softly got out the words, 'Yessir, Pa," and then he slowly
drifted off to sleep again.
*********************
EPILOGUE:
Adam's young body
mended quickly, though he was plagued with headaches for the next few weeks.
He seemed to be a happier, steadier young man to Ben, but once in a while
still had his "moods," was a bit argumentative and irritable at times. Little
Joe was so grateful to have his big brother back and all well again that
he tried very hard to be a good boy and not cause him any trouble.
Six weeks after
the accident with the horse was the first anniversary of Marie's death.
Mid-morning on that day, all the Cartwright men gathered up great bunches
of flowers, dressed in their Sunday best and drove the buggy up to Sandy
Cove to visit Marie's grave. It was an emotional visit for all of them,
especially Ben who couldn't stop his eyes from misting over as they all stood
there in silence, keeping their thoughts to themselves.
Suddenly, though,
Adam broke off from the group and left at a dead run to the other side of
the buggy sitting up the hill from the gravesite.
"Hoss, stay here
with Joe, please, and don't come until I call you," Ben commanded.
"Okay, Pa, sure,"
Hoss looked at his father questioningly, but didn't say anymore. He sat down
in the grass and pulled Little Joe onto his lap.
Ben walked quickly
up the hill and found Adam on the other side of the buggy, with his arm against
the side of it and his head buried against his arm. He was shaking and
sobbing uncontrollably.
Ben took him gently
by both shoulders and turned him around to him and gathered him into his arms.
Adam threw his arms around his father, leaned into him and burrowed his
head into Ben's shoulder, as great racking sobs shook his body.
"I want her back,
Pa. I miss her so much. I can't help it. I wished I had been nicer to her.
I'm sorry, Pa. I didn't mean to do this." He repeated these phrases over
and over, hiccuping and sobbing as Ben had not seen him do since he was a
very young child."
"Shhh, hush, son.
You don't have anything to be sorry about, just let it out, son," Ben reassured
him as he stroked the hair on the back of Adam's head.
"You need to let
this out, son, and it's okay. I understand. It's all right, boy. I understand
and you don't need to be sorry about anything. You are such a good son and
you've helped me so much to get through this. And, believe me, Marie knew
you loved her. She always did and she was so proud of her oldest son."
At that, Adam's
sobs grew even stronger, but he didn't say anymore. He just soaked up the
love and comfort emanating from his father, savored the closeness that they
didn't often enjoy as he had gotten older, and finally let all the pain
and the grief empty out of him as it had not done before.
Finally, his tears
were spent and he sagged limply back against the buggy, giving his father
a sheepish look.
"Son, showing your
feelings like you just did is never anything to be ashamed of, never, and
I've found over these many years that it helps to get all that out like you
just did. I have a feeling now that you are going to feel a lot better than
maybe you have in a long time. I know it always helps me. " Ben himself
had tears streaks down his face.
"Thanks Pa. Thanks
for being here and thanks for being the best father anybody could ever ask
for. Every time I see some of the other guys with their fathers, I know just
how lucky I am."
"Well," Ben took
a deep breath and tried to pull himself together, "I'm going to go and take
those younger brothers of yours for a little walk." You just stay here and
relax for a minute. I won't take them very far. "
With that, he walked
back down the hill to Joe and Hoss. Adam knew he was just giving him a chance
to pull himself together before his brothers saw him. After Ben had taken
the younger boys further on down the beach, Adam walked back down to his stepmother's
grave and bowed his head.
"Thanks, Marie.
Thanks for being here and for being my mother. I love you." He looked
down the beach, "And thank you, Pa."
THE END.
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