My Son, My Son.
“You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by.
And so become yourself, because the past is just a good bye.
Teach your children well…
…just look at them and sigh and know they love you.”
(“Teach Your Children Well”:
Late at night, long
after the family had settled into blameless sleep and when only a few embers
remained to spread a faint glow in the darkness of the hearth, Ben Cartwright
crept downstairs, with a tightly swaddled bundle in his arms. Barefoot, and
with a robe flung carelessly over his nightshirt, Ben moved so carefully that
one might imagine he was transporting a precious structure made of delicate
crystal. Having safely navigated the stairs, he pulled a chair close to the warmth
of the fireplace and sat down, just as the bundle gave a determined wriggle. A
small hand worked its way free from the confines of the blanket and grasped at
the empty air with an almost triumphant delight. Extending his little finger,
Ben allowed the tiny hand to clasp it with surprising strength for one so very
young and so very small. As he gazed at the baby in his arms, a sense of peace
and fulfilment suffused him. He loved this child so much; his heart was so full
that it actually hurt.
There was just
enough light cast by the fire to touch their faces with a flickering radiance.
In the silent solitude, Ben eased comfortably back into the chair and began to
talk in a low, conversational voice. Was it his imagination, or did Joseph’s
eyes sparkle with infantile recognition? For a brief, magical hour, late at
night while the world dreamed peacefully, a father poured out his heart to his
son, drawing on the bonds which already bound them inextricably together and
forging new ties of love, building a relationship that would grow stronger
throughout the coming years.
**********
“My son.
My beautiful, perfect son.
My Joseph.
You are not even one day old, yet already I cannot
imagine life without you. You captured my heart from the moment you were born
and now you will hold it in your tight little grasp forever. What power you
have, my tiny boy, to stir such powerful emotions in a grown man, to unman me
completely. I cried for sheer joy and absolute happiness when I held you for
the first time. And now, holding you in the still of the night, when everyone
else is asleep, I feel that same surge of emotion, of pure contentment. What
power you have, to make me feel like this, my little son. But I will not cry,
not now, for I there are so many things I want to say to you, to share with
you…and who knows when we will have this opportunity again.
You are so small that I could balance you perfectly in
the palm of one hand — if I dared. But it has been several years since I held such
a tiny life, so, just for now I think I will cradle you in my arms, savouring
the feeling of closeness, and keeping you secure. Maybe my memory is playing
tricks with me, but I do not remember either of your brothers being so small or
helpless. Of course, I was a different man in those days and I did not have
much time for the small luxury of simply sitting and cuddling my baby. That was
wrong: I should have made the time, I realise that now. I am determined not to
make that mistake again. I will spend every moment I can with you, just
enjoying my new son. Nothing is more important or more precious than spending
time with you. Babyhood lasts for such a brief time, but it is shot with
shining perfection and I want to treasure each moment of your life.
What lies ahead of you, my son? I yearn to be able to
protect you and to keep you safe. I hope I will be able guide you through the
tumults that undoubtedly lie ahead, no matter how hard I try to steer you
towards a safe course in calm waters. But this is your life and you must make
your own choices, Joseph. Just know that whatever you do, I will be beside you
and I will always love you.
Right now, you are lying quietly in my arms, sated
with milk and your eyes are starting to close, but you fight against it,
staring up at me with rapt fascination. How long will that look of innocent
wonder remain in your gaze? And for how long will you allow me to cherish you
so unreservedly? There is nothing to compare with the joy of holding your son
in your arms and letting the love flow from one body into another. I have
longed for this moment and it is more wonderful than I could ever have
imagined. I wish that it could last forever.
You burst into this world early this morning, just as
the sun was breaking over the mountains, just as the first golden beams danced
upon the polished wood of the bedroom floor. And you promptly screamed out your
fury and resentment, making sure everyone knew you were here! From that first
moment, I knew that my life was never going to be the same again. In that one
instant, everything had changed. You came into my life and filled a void that I
did not even know existed. Will you go on catching me by surprise?
Each of my boys has brought me joy, but your birth was
so very special. When I think back to Adam’s birth, it is so inextricably
linked with
After Elizabeth’s death, there was no real opportunity
to simply sit in solitude and revel in the ephemeral joy of holding a new life,
one for whom no boundaries are yet set, a child for whom the whole world sits
ready and waiting, with welcoming wide arms. No, there was no such sensation
when Adam was born. I fumbled around blindly, wanting only to leave the place
that held so many memories, and to take my son and to start a new life, just
for the two of us. The two of us. Previously, that had meant Elizabeth and me,
but she went on ahead and alone, leaving me only memories…and our son.
So we left our old life behind and headed out west,
making the journey without her. It was not an easy life; perhaps it was
foolhardy of me to even attempt such a passage, but at the time I was almost
beyond reason and I did not think of practicalities. All I knew was that I had
to start afresh. Travel and constant change was the only life Adam knew for a
long time. I always knew I could rely on Adam and he has never let me down.
Adam will look after you too, I know that. He is old
enough to start being a real help to me on the ranch. And even though he is
busy with own life: going to school and learning to ride, he still helps around
the house and looks after Hoss. Adam will make time in his life for you too, I
know he will. When Adam reads aloud to you, as I know he will, you will venture
down imaginary paths with him and enter into wonderful, fantastical worlds. You
listen to all that your brother Adam tells you, do you hear me, Joseph? He’s a
smart boy, your oldest brother, and he works hard at his books. In fact, he’s
quite the scholar already. Will that be your path too, little one?”
Ben looked curiously
at the baby, who screwed his face up in momentary distaste and kicked his legs
furiously against the confining folds of the blanket, almost as if he was
trying to escape from the fate of an academic life.
“You really don’t like that idea much, do you? Well,
perhaps you will be like your brother, Hoss and prefer to spend time outdoors.
Does that sound more exciting? Maybe you will the son who rides as far and fast
as the wind, unfettered by care and seeking out excitement wherever you can?
Perhaps that is your destiny. Well, you can try that, but when you are little
older. I’ll keep you safe at home for a few years first of all. There will
always be a place for you here, at home. This is where you belong.
You should also listen to your brother Hoss, and learn
from him. Hoss takes the time to look at things, to really look at them and he
understands nature with a deep resonance that is sometimes frightening in a
small boy. He is happiest when outside, as befits a child born on the trail.
When you are older, Hoss will teach you about the animals and plants that you
find around
If Adam is the scholar, then Hoss is the child of
nature, and he has a loving heart. Right now, he is rather resentful of you,
but that will change. For your arrival has changed his life and altered the
axis of his world, so he is feeling rather jealous at the moment. I suspect it
will take Hoss a little time to adjust. Of course, it would help things if you
are a good boy and a nice, quiet baby. I wonder if you will be?
Do you know that you are the first child born on the
Ponderosa? The first child to be born in this house?”
Unwittingly, Ben
joggled his arm a little too vigorously and the sleepy baby glared up at him,
his small face creased in frowning displeasure. Acting quickly, Ben soothed the
child before any indignant bellows could wake the rest of the household.
“I’m sorry, my pet. Papa won’t do that again.
You are the first child born in this house and that
makes you very special. You belong here, more than any of us. This is your land
– we just settled here, but it is your birthright and it is in your bones. Your
birth has made our family complete. At last I am able to give to give my sons a
secure life and a permanent home and I do not think we will ever move again.
There is no reason to: the Ponderosa is so beautiful and it has everything a
man could desire. So I hope you will be happy here. I travelled for so long to
find this place, but the restless wandering is over now. I realised that it was
time to settle down and make a real life, to build something of value, rather
than searching for some elusive goal, beguiled by the thought there will always
be something better over the next horizon. Sometimes you have to seize the
moment, trust in your judgement and gamble that you are right. I think it is
easier to wander aimlessly, never committing fully to anything, than to make a
real, solid commitment.
From the first moment saw the Ponderosa I knew I had
found my heart’s desire - this was the ultimate goal, the place where I could
build my home and watch my family grow. I have everything I want right here and
I am content. I journeyed right across this great country and I found the
perfect spot. Here, where there is room
to breath and time to gaze up at the sky and rejoice. Yet, there was a time
when all the wide emptiness filled me with fear. That was when your brother
Hoss was born, when we were still on the trail.
His birth terrified me. There we were, miles from
anywhere and I was so worried that something would go wrong, just as it had
when Adam was born. Inger was calm and stoic, leaving me to do all the fretting
for both of us. Of course, she was very different from
Yes, my little son: your father was wrong. I failed to
protect my family. That is something I will always regret. I promise you that I
will try not to make that mistake again. So, if I am sometimes a little too
overprotective, perhaps you will realise why and indulge me in my foolishness.
It is born out of love and fear. I could not bear to lose you, Joseph. You see,
right now you are safe here in my arms, so it will be a struggle to let you go
out into the world with all its inherent dangers. All I want to do is to keep
you safe, to shield you from harm, to make sure you are happy. If we are very
lucky, maybe I will be able to do that for a few years. And yet I know I will
have to let you go one day. That is the way of the world. But it does not mean
that I will ever stop worrying about you. Of course, you will also have your
Mama and your brothers looking after you as well. Together, maybe we can give
you the golden childhood I dreamt of for my first two boys.
Every father wants to give his children the world, but
all I have to offer is this small patch of heaven we call the Ponderosa. And a
Mama and Papa who think you are the most special baby in the world and two
brothers who love you. Well, Hoss will
come to love you, one day…I know he will. He’s a good boy, but he is confused
right now and I think he just needs a little time. There’s no rush. We can give
him that time. After all, we have all the time in world.
I am so lucky, so very lucky. I have three boys, a
beautiful wife and whole future on my doorstep. My dreams have all come true. I
can ask for nothing more.”
**********
By now it was
growing very late, and the baby was, after all, very new. Ben watched in
fascination as Joseph made a series of small snuffling noises and closed his
eyes. The light from the fire was fading fast, as the last remaining embers
started to die into ash and he gently stroked the curve of his newborn son’s
cheek, marvelling in the softness, even as he gazed lovingly at the little
face. Ben felt he would never grow tired of watching this new son, brimful of
promise and he longed to see how his baby would grow. What sort of a man would
he become? What impact would he make on his surroundings? What challenges and
what joys lay ahead? As he contemplated the sparkling wonders of life, the
still peace of the night enveloped father and son, wrapping them in velvet
softness.
**********
“My son.
My beautiful, perfect son.
My Joseph.
Here you are, so tiny and helpless, newly entering
into a brave, new world that is all ready and just waiting for you to make your
mark upon it. What great things will you do? What dreams will govern your
course in life? Whatever you decide upon, I will support you. I want you to be
able to follow your heart. As long as my boys are happy and safe, then I can
ask for nothing more. I will be at your side to help you achieve your dreams.
And so will your mother and brothers. You have the love of a whole family.
All that I can wish for, I wish for you. I wish you a
long and happy life, filled with love. From the moment you were born, you had
all my heart. Be happy, my darling son, just be happy. My life began again the
day I met your mother. She brought joy back into my soul and made the world
whole again. And then she gave me you — the greatest gift of all. I have
everything a man could possibly wish for. So that is what I wish for you: that
one day, you will know true happiness and joy. And that you will have one
perfect hour, like the one we have spent together tonight. In the course of a
lifetime, it is the small things that make the most golden memories. I will
never forget this special time we spent together.
My son. I have so many dreams for you, but all I
really want is for you to be happy and healthy. That is all any parent ever
wants.”
**********
Moving very
carefully, so that he did not disturb the slumbering infant, Ben rose to his
feet and padded back upstairs, raising Joseph gently onto his shoulder with
familiar ease and cradling the small body against his chest. Halfway up the
staircase, he paused and turned to look back down at the room below him. It was
no longer just a house: now it was a home.
“Be happy, my precious son. Grow in love. Tomorrow
belongs to you.”
Holding the baby
close, so that his cheek caressed the small, warm head, Ben drank in the
delicious baby scent and marvelled at the perfection of this new life. Just
ahead a door lay ajar and the room seemed to beckon him forwards. Ben saw the
glimmer of Marie’s hair spread over the pillows, while silver moonbeams
shimmered faintly on the counterpane and serenity and hope filled his soul.
With infinite care and tenderness, he laid Joseph in the small cradle at his
mother’s side and then turned to look out of the window at the dark purple
radiance of the sky, studded with stars and glistening with the pale, kindly
light of the moon. It was a night he would always remember, when he realised
the magnitude and wonder of love, and when he celebrated the fragile perfection
of a new life that gave him a new hope and purpose.
“Thanks,” Ben
whispered and then pulled back the covers and climbed into bed. He had
matchless gifts in abundance. He had all a man could possibly want.
“And you, of the tender years can't know the
fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth, they seek the truth before they can
die.
Teach your parents well…
…just look at them and sigh and know they love
you.”
(“Teach
Your Children Well”:
Claire O’Neill
January 2005