Thoughts from the Man in Black
By Debbie B
I felt like an utter fool, being so gullible and all. But for some strange reason, I just couldn’t help myself, she was beautiful and I reacted like a little kid in the candy store. I think what surprised me the most about myself was how I felt when my family found out just how badly I’d made a fool out of myself. I wouldn’t admit it to them because I’m the kind of man who keeps his deepest emotions to himself, but I found myself hurt by their reactions. I mean…me, Adam Cartwright, brought to the verge of tears by the wiles of a young woman…that isn’t me, not in the least. That is, until this time.
Maybe I was in love with Leilani; perhaps that’s why this has hurt me so much. Then, the fact that my middle brother showed such concern and pity for me…pity…I hate that word almost as much as I hate the emotion, especially when it’s given to me! Hoss tried his best not to let it show, but the big man is so easy to read, like an opened book. It was in his eyes, it was in the tone of his voice and even showed in his actions. He pitied me, plain and simple. The situation with Hoss was almost as unbearable as when Leilani looked me eye to eye and burst out laughing, mocking me, belittling my love for her, as if I’d been nothing more than a play toy for her. Someone to wile away her lonely hours, someone to hold her in the darkest hours of the night, someone to make…love…to her…someone to use for her own gratification, only to be tossed aside when she had enough of me, or became bored with me. Dam…it’s times like this that I wished I’d never been born…no…I don’t really mean that. My life hasn’t always been a bed of roses, but it certainly hasn’t been hell on earth either. I do wish however, that I had left home a year or so ago…only because had I, my family wouldn’t have become so caught up in my private affairs.
And then there was Little Joe. He laughed at me! That stung; it hurt. Oh, my kid brother didn’t mean to hurt me, in fact, he has no clue how his laughing affected me. In my heart of hearts, I know Little Joe isn’t the sort of young man to who goes around mocking his older brothers or one who gets pleasure out of seeing one of us hurting. I just think that Joe simply didn’t think…or maybe didn’t realize…how deeply I had fallen into love with Leilani. Joe probably thought I was only seeing her because she was so lovely, so desirable…being but 18 years old, those are the reasons Joe would have chased after such a beautiful young woman. But it shouldn’t have been the reasons I did so. I’m not even sure why I did…I honestly think…now that I can look back at it without stars in my eyes, that I was so fascinated by her charm, her mannerisms and her beauty, that I found myself caught up in a sort of dream I must have had about possessing her. Little Joe had even gone so far…in the beginning of the courtship…as to ask me what, beside her strikingly good looks, did I see in the woman. Well, hell Joe, I remember thinking at the time…look at her! Pa always told us that hindsight was 20x20. Looking back to that beginning, now I see myself reacting much as Little Joe might have reacted, had he seen her before I had. He would have pursued her as ardently, if not more so, than I. I don’t know why I did…I’m such an idiot. I can tell you this much…it won’t happen again…ever again. If I learned anything, I learned that the old saying, ‘beauty is only skin deep’, is certainly the truth. Leilani was as fake as any woman I’ve ever met. And she certainly proved that her beauty was only on the surface and that beneath that lovely exterior laid a harsh, cruel and bitter young woman.
I’m not sure how I missed seeing or sensing that the very first day I spent with her. I can honestly admit…to myself, God, I’d never admit this to another living person…ever, for I’d never hear the end of it. But Miss Abigail Jones is ten times more the lady than Leilani. Miss Jones might not be the looker that Leilani is, but what she possesses within her heart and soul is something that the beautiful Leilani could learn from, if she’d the desire, which I’m positive she doesn’t. I feel guilty now for all the times that I’ve shunned Abigail and thought her flighty and fought against her true emotions. I feel twice the fool when I think about how she feels towards me and I toward her and how differently I’ll treat her from now on. I will show more respect for her feelings…NO…I will not become involved with her, but I will be kinder. I’ve been broken inside by someone I thought I loved…I’ll not do to Abigail what Leilani has done to me.
Pa…God bless the man. He’s been my strength since I was a baby. I’ve spent so much of my life, patterning myself after him, wanting to be the kind of man that he is, that I find myself falling short of the task so many times. He’s a tough act to follow. Pa told me one day, many years ago that as I grow, I must shape myself into the kind of man that is right for me. He said it was all right to pattern myself like him, but it was only through life’s trials and tribulations that I’d become who I was really meant to be. So, I gave up trying to ‘be’ Ben Cartwright and started to take what I had learned from him and whatever life tossed my way and using those tools along with the good book, I slowly began to learn to be myself. I can’t say that I’m ‘there’ yet…especially after what has happened here. I almost feel as if I’ve taken a few giant steps backward into my more youthful days rather than the steps forward needed to reach manhood. But at what point in life does a man feel the freedom to deem himself a man? I mean, look at me…I’m thirty years old, certainly not young, like my kid brother. I should have acted more like a thirty year old instead of an eighteen year old. I simply should have known better than to fall for a pretty face and shapely figure. I should have…known better. I keep telling myself that over and over and over, but it doesn’t seem to sink in. I didn’t…and I can’t explain it.
And then Pa came to my room last night. I was lying on the bed, wishing I could drop off the face of the earth. Hoss’ pity burned in my gut, Joe’s laughter ran in my ears and then Pa knocked on the door. I know when he pushed the door opened and saw me on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, that he heard me groan. He knew that I knew he was there to lecture me about all of this. I knew his intentions were good, he knew I understood that, but I knew he knew I wasn’t looking forward to one of his speeches. I even told him so.
“Pa,” I said to him, “I’m not ready for this…I don’t want to talk about it…”
And Pa simply answered with, “I know. So, I’ll talk, you listen.” And then he said to me:
“Adam, just listen, you won’t have to say a word until I’m finished, if you want to…and if not…that’s okay, as long as you hear what I’m going to say to you.”
I rose up and turned myself around until I was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking across at my father. He had pulled up a chair and sat facing me.
“Adam, life can at times be cruel…like right now. But as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than just once and it’s harder every time it happens. You’ll break hearts too, son, so remember how it feels right now as you try to mend this broken heart. You’ll fight with your best friend, even with your brothers and probably with me. You’ll blame a new love for things an old love has done. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast…and you’ll eventually lose someone you love…because of death…or simply because they decide to leave you. It happens, Adam, but that’s the way with life.
So, my advice to you is to make too many good memories, laugh too much and love like you’ve never been hurt because for every sixty seconds you spend upset and moping around, wishing you can change something that cannot be changed, is a minute of happiness that you’ll never get back. It’s gone, son…it’s wasted…don’t waste precious time grieving about something that cannot be. Somewhere down the road of your life…is exactly what you’re searching for…trust me, Adam…I’ve traveled those same roads before and I know what I’m talking about.”
Pa’s words hit me like a ton of rocks. I just looked up at him without uttering a word. It was hard to see him clearly, for my eyes had misted over. I felt his strong fingers squeeze my shoulder and then heard the door close behind him. He had left me to ponder over his words and to give me a moment to compose myself. I hung my head and let the tears drip slowly from my eyes. It had been a long time…a very long time since I had allowed myself the privilege of crying. When I was finished, I was surprised at how much better I felt. Getting up, I walked to the window and pulled back the drapes. Pa, Hoss and Little Joe were finishing up the nightly chores. I could only suspect that my brothers had done mine for me. Pa had probably suggested to them that they do…and being as how they’re really good kids, they complied willingly…well, at least Hoss would have. I can just hear in my mind, Little Joe though, putting up a protest, knowing fully well that he’d do them just the same.
Whew…it’s over…done. I might as well put it all behind me. There certainly isn’t any use crying over spilled milk…or lost love. But was it ‘love’? Not according to how I’m feeling. Didn’t someone once say that love isn’t suppose to hurt? That’s bull…it does hurt…but when it’s right, the hurt is good, not bad like this kind of hurt. I rinsed off my face and dried it, buttoned my shirt and put on my best face. It was time to meet the family for supper. From this moment on…I start living my life according to Pa’s words. I’m going downstairs and make Little Joe laugh…I love his childish laughter, and I’m going to make Hoss look less pitifully at me and Pa…well, he’s given me a special memory. He’s given me his…life…his love…his wisdom…all I can give him is the same. I’ll cherish the memories, and I’ll make more…happier ones, so that when I lose those that I love most…they, in a sense will always be with me, for no matter what happens, no one can take the memories I hold dear, away…and those bad memories…well…I’ll have to work on ridding myself of them.
Think positive…and remember what you have to be thankful for…Family, Friends…loved ones…memories!
Adam Cartwright