Thoughts, Hoss’ Own
By DebbieB
Dadburn Little Joe…why’d he have to go and laugh at Adam? Sometimes I think
that boy was born without a brain. Couldn’t he see how hurt our big brother
was? No…he just had to keep pushin’ Adam…he had to keep runnin’ his mouth.
I should have reached across the table and slugged him instead of kickin’
him in the shin! And Pa…golly bumfuzzles, I thought for a moment there,
Joe was gonna get it good, right there on the spot! I can’t remember seein’
Pa’s eyes so dark; why, they looked like black thunderclouds and behind
them, I knew a storm was brewing! Little Brother better thank his lucky
stars Pa didn’t say anythin’!
And Adam…the poor thing, hurtin’ like he was. That dadburn female…I oughta…NO…it ain’t none of my gall dang business! I’ll just have’ta let Adam deal with her. It ain’t likely though, seein’ as how he’s sufferin’. He probably never wants to see that filly again. And I can’t say that I blame him, she bein’ like she is and all…all fancy smancy and such, thinkin’ she’s better’n the rest of us. I ain’t never yet figured out what Adam seen in her anyway. He’s better off without her, but I can’t tell him that. Why, the poor boy loved that girl. It was as plain as the nose on ya face. He was smitten all right. He fell for her like a fish after a worm on a warm, sunny afternoon.
Whew…it’s times like this that I’m glad I ain’t no good lookin’ man. I ain’t never had to worry about no female hookin’ me like Little Joe and Adam are always gettin’ tangled up in them love affairs. I mean, I ain’t no prize for sure, but I’ve had a few women whom I’ve liked…better’n some. I just ain’t made a fool outta myself like my older brother and my kid brother. Shoot, I’d rather have a good horse under me than a flighty woman…I MEAN…ere…I should have said, I’d rather ride a good horse than…NO…oh, SHOOT…dadburn it!! I’m so confused, I ain’t even thinkin’ straight!
I felt so sorry for Adam…I tried not to let it show…but then I ain’t never been too good at hidin’ my feelin’s. I knew every time that Adam looked my way, that he knew just what I was thinkin’. He knew I was pityin’ him and I know he hates havin’ anyone pity him, even his brother…or worse, our Pa. Adam’s always been a man to keep his feelin’s to himself. He’s hard to understand at times. Most folks here abouts think he’s got a dark side…but he don’t. I know him better’n most men…I know that behind that mask he wears daily that there’s a tender side to my older brother. And it’s hard for him to let anyone get that close to him, but apparently this Leilani woman managed to. Look at what it’s cost him…his pride, his humility…his heart. They’s all broken. I ain’t so sure that they’ll mend either. I mean, after all, when you give your heart to someone, you’ve given them the best part of yourself…and that’s what Adam’s gone and done. He gave that lady…and I use the word lightly…everything he had to offer…and she tossed it out the window like it weren’t nuthin’ but garbage!
My older brother has always been an inspiration to me. I mean, besides Pa, if ever I wanted to be like someone, it would have to be Adam. He’s the best. Oh, Little Joe and I are close, probably closer in a way than Adam and I and certainly more so than Adam and Little Joe…but Adam…Well, he’s just different. But in a good sorta way. He’s a gentleman all the way, and that blasted woman cut him down like he weren’t more’n one of Pa’s tall Ponderosa pines. All I can say for her is she had better be glad she’s a female instead of a man, cause if she were a man, I’d ring her pretty little neck!
I just happened to have in the kitchen when Adam came home that afternoon. Pa was at his desk and I heard the door slam. I went into the living room cause I was gonna ask Adam if’n he wanted to go fishin’ with me and Joe the next day, but soon as I entered the room, I stopped. Adam had already started ranting and raving to Pa about this and that…things that didn’t really matter. Pa finally got big brother calmed down enough to find out that Miss Leilani wouldn’t be comin’ to supper that night…or any other night.
I felt my brother’s pain in that instance. He dropped into a chair and for a moment, I thought the poor boy was goin’ to burst into tears. I just knew that if he did, I’d lose it as well so I had get out of there. I went straight to the barn so I could be alone, but Joe was there workin’ and I know when he asked me what was wrong, I snapped at him. I hurt his feelin’s and I didn’t mean to. But I couldn’t get the look on Adam’s face, off my mind. He was like a dyin’ man and I felt so helpless cause I couldn’t help him. Shoot I wouldn’t have known how to help him if I could have. One thing I knew, I couldn’t bear to see the pain that showed in Adam’s face and in his expression. I had to get out of the house…so I did.
Then, the next mornin’ when Adam came down stairs, I could see he’d suffered a bad night. His eyes were drawn, his hair was mussed, even his shirt tale was hangin’ out his pants…so unlike my normally neat, well-kept older brother. It was obvious that Adam hadn’t slept any at all. When he got to the table and sat down, he never bothered to look at any of us, let alone speak to us. He just started eatin’…and I could tell that he didn’t even realize what he was eatin’; his actions were just by habit.
Oh Lordy…then Joe opened his mouth…well, the rest is history. Later that night, Pa went upstairs and had a little talk with Adam. I ain’t got no ideay what Pa said to Adam, but by supper…Adam was dang near himself. It sure was good to have’em back. I can’t stand to see any member of my family hurtin’…it tears me up inside. So in that case it was hard to hide my pity. But, Adam was better and since then, he’s pretty much put the incident behind him. He won’t talk about her…not yet…guess it’s too soon and the pain too raw, but in time he will, I just know it. And when he’s ready, I’ll be there for him to lean on. See, I got big shoulders and I can pretty much support any man…especially if that man happens to be my brother.
Hoss Cartwright