Thoughts, Leilani Speaks Out
By DebbieB
It was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever, in my entire life, been
compelled to do. There was no getting out of it…I had to break it off between
Adam and myself. Never before had I experienced such an emotional upheaval.
At first I saw Adam as a challenge…then I thought of our affair as a game.
Then, as time went slithering by, I kept telling myself, I didn’t love him…I
didn’t love him. But then…I saw something in his eyes…I could hear it in
the way he said my name. I felt it in his touch. He loved me! I was in a
state of disbelief. Me…Leilani…in love with a man who actually loved me
in return. And for all the right reasons!
I’ll admit…I’m no angel…no…saint. If Adam knew that, I didn’t know…but if he did…well…I can honestly say that it didn’t seem to matter to him…what I was…or had been. We saw the looks on people’s faces…we heard the whispers. I saw the shocked look on his father’s face the first time Adam introduced me to him. Oh, Ben hid it, but not before I saw. I’m not sure if Adam noticed or not…but his brothers did…they knew right from the start what I was…
I tried telling myself that if it didn’t matter to Adam…then it shouldn’t matter to me. But it did. For the first time in my life, I felt…dirty…used…I found myself wondering what would happen to Adam…if I married him. Could I…stop being who I really was? Could I change enough that in time, people wouldn’t look at us as if he was taking out the trash? How would it affect his relationship with his family? I knew they were a close-knit family. I knew that Ben Cartwright expected the best for his sons…something that I certainly could never take claim to being. I loved him…more than I had ever allowed myself to love anyone. But was love enough?
I’ve traveled many miles over the passed weeks. When I first left, I headed for San Francisco…I had friends there…my kind of people. But once I reached the city and met my friends…they seemed…different…boring…unattractive…or was it just me? I somehow didn’t fit in anymore. The things they did…the things they said…even the places we went…nothing was fun anymore. Maybe I have changed. So, I left San Francisco and headed to Sacramento. I worked there for a week or so but still, something deep within me gnawed at me to move on. Once again I climbed up into the stage. I was going back east…back home. I had suddenly wanted to see my family…I wanted to let them know that…I…I loved them. Maybe seeing Adam’s family and how devoted to one another they were…gave me a yearning to have the same with my own family. I don’t know how I’ll be received. My father may refuse to see me. My mother will likely shun me…my two sisters…I don’t know…they probably hate me. My baby brother won’t likely remember me. But I knew in my heart that loving Adam and having him love me in return…had…changed me…inside…in my heart of hearts!
I knew that I could not be for Adam…all he wanted me to be. My past would always show up…when we least expected it. I knew that it followed me as closely as my own shadow…my past had become my shadow and I believed that even though I yearned to be different…I could not change enough that I’d ever be good enough for Adam Cartwright. I loved him enough to want the best for him…I knew I wasn’t that person. He deserved better. He deserved more. I had to…let him go.
Hurting him as I did…was only to prove to him what kind of a woman I really was. If I married him as he wanted…it would have destroyed him. I couldn’t do that to Adam. He’s fine, honest, gentle man…married to me, he would have become a crude, callused man…distrustful and angry…I didn’t want THAT added to my already burdened conscious. So, I let him see me for what he knew me to actually be. I let the man I loved more than life, find me in the arms of another man. The look of pain…the hurt in his beautiful eyes…the well of tears…and the angry expression as he grabbed the man and flung him from my room gave me insight to what our lives would have been like, because I wasn’t sure I could change…until that night.
Once the gentleman was gone, Adam turned to me…glaringly as he grabbed both my arms and melted his body against mine. I felt the fire burning between us as he kissed my lips long and deep. And then he shoved be back onto the bed. He stood over me…I thought…he’s going to kill me! But then he turned and walked out of the room…and out of my life. I had succeed in my mission of forcing him to hate me. I had no idea how very much that would hurt me. I buried my face in the soft folds of the bed linens and cried for hours…all night. The next morning, I hurried and dressed and when the stage left, I was on it. I think I caught a glimpse of him on the ridge as we passed the road that led to the Ponderosa. I leaned out the window just in time to see a rider turn away and ride down the hill on the opposite side. My heart told me it had been Adam.
Adam…Adam…my heart screams his name. My mind’s eyes see his handsome face, my body recalls his tender touch…and then I see the pain…the hurt…and I die again, inside. How many times in the last month have I asked myself why had I chosen such an immoral lifestyle…why had I let my wild desire for freedom…my impulsiveness at running away from my family…from my home…lead me down a road of remorse and repulsiveness that I allowed to cheat me of the one thing I wanted most in life…and that was to be loved. I had been wrong…all those years back to do what I have done. I see that now. And it was only because of my love for Adam…or I should say, his love for me, that I realize the error of my ways.
I had to free Adam…thus I had to hurt him. I hope that someday he’ll find it in his heart to forgive me for the hurt I’ve caused him. I’d like to believe that one day I could return to Virginia City…meet Adam and allow him to see me as I would like to be then…a lady…a true lady. I don’t think it’ll happen. My papa used to tell me that you can’t change the spots on a leopard. That once you’ve made a name for yourself…it sticks. If that’s so…oh God…I hope not…I don’t wanna die and go to hell because of the way I’ve lived my life. Do you think that just maybe…God will look down on me and say to me…’Leilani…for once you’ve done something right…you’ve loved someone so much that you’ve thought of what is best for him rather than for yourself’. Do you think God…as well as Adam Cartwright…could find it in their hearts to forgive me?
Adam will always remain in my heart and my thoughts…I just hope that all of you can understand why I had to hurt him…I wish his father understood…and his brothers. They think of me as a…bad person…and maybe I was. But if I had married Adam…I would have ended up destroying him…and I could never forgive myself if that had happened.
Forgive me for putting this family through so much heartache. But believe me when I say this was mild compared to what it might have been. Just know that what I did, I did because I loved that man…and what you think of me…well…that’s your priveledge. I won’t dwell on it. Remember though…be careful of what you do…what you say…where you go and with whom you do those things with. The night has a thousand eyes…and the eyes can’t help but see…people talk…and something else that I learned a very long time ago…your reputation proceeds you. What you say and do today will have a drastic affect on what you do tomorrow or in your future. I know…it happened to me…it cost me the love of my life, don’t let it happen to you………….
Leilani