I HAVE, AND ALWAYS WILL, LOVE YOU ADAM
By: Deborah S.
 
 
 
One lazy Saturday morning, Adam sat on the porch, drinking his coffee. He 
knew he should be out working, like his family that morning, but he felt 
like taking it easy. He looked up at the sun shining down on him, and 
smiled. The warm sunshine felt so good. Adam thought about the fences that 
needed mending, but he just didn’t feel like it. He couldn‘t remember, the 
last time that he sat like this, and did nothing? The fences would still 
need mending later. Maybe he would get to them on Monday. He thought about 
going inside, and getting a book to read. Then maybe later on, he’d take 
a nap. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken a nap. Tomorrow was 
Sunday, and after church, he’d take it easy.
 
 Adam leaned his chair back, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. 
Opening his eyes, he took another sip of coffee. Should he go inside, and 
get a book now, or wait until later? He was too relaxed to even think of 
getting up. Adam closed his eyes, knowing he could fall asleep right then 
and there. He was almost asleep, but was awakened by the sound of a buggy 
approaching.
 
Adam wasn’t in the mood for conversation, and hoped it wasn’t Widow Miller 
coming for a visit. If it were, he could kiss the rest of his day good-bye. 
Widow Miller was a sweetheart, who adored Adam, and he her, but he just 
wasn’t in the mood for her company. He saw the black buggy pull around the 
barn, and stop in front of the house. Adam stood up, looking at the 
occupants. There was a man, who Adam would guess to be his father’s age, 
maybe older. With him, was a beautiful woman, with dark brown hair, pulled 
up on her head, and the greenest eyes he’d ever seen. He guessed her to be 
around his age of thirty-four. He didn’t recognize them, but had a hard 
time, taking his eyes off the woman.
 
Adam walked to the buggy. He smiled at the woman, who smiled back at him. 
Adam still couldn’t take his eyes off of her, and forgot the man was there, 
until he spoke. “Excuse me, but is this the home of Ben Cartwright?” the 
man asked. Adam heard the man, but hesitated to answer, as he was 
concentrating on the woman. “Uh, I’m sorry, uh, yes it is,” he replied.
 
The man got down from the buggy. Adam reached his hands up to help the 
woman off. Once on the ground, Adam looked in her eyes, and she in his. 
Suddenly something dawned on him. What if this woman, were that man’s wife. 
 Adam came back to reality fast. “I’m sorry, I’m Adam Cartwright, and 
welcome to The Ponderosa,” he said, extending his hand to the man. The man 
shook his hand. “So you’re Adam Cartwright. You’ve grown since I saw you 
last, young man. You don’t remember me, do you?” the man asked.
 
Adam hated when people asked that question, because it always put him on the 
spot. He looked closely at the man. Something about him seemed familiar, 
but Adam couldn’t place him. “I’m sorry sir, but no, I don’t remember you,” 
 he replied.
 
The man shook his head. “Well, if you don’t remember me, maybe you’ll 
remember my daughter, Sarah?” the man asked. Adam smiled, realizing the 
woman was his daughter. “Sarah. I don’t remember anyone named Sarah. I’m 
sorry I don’t remember you, or your daughter. Can you give me some hint, as 
to when I would have met you?” Adam asked.
 
The man smiled, then said, “When you were three years old, I met your father 
in town. I had a horse ranch just outside of town, and was looking for 
help. Your father was having a hard time finding work, because he had to 
take his young son with him. I brought the both of you home for dinner, 
because you both looked like you hadn’t eaten for awhile. My wife, Mary and 
daughter, Sarah here, took to the two of you instantly. We decided to hire 
your father, and Mary would take care of you during the day. The two of you 
boarded in our home. You and Sarah here used to take baths together,” the 
man said.
 
Adam and Sarah looked down in embarrassment. The man continued. “You 
married my Sarah here, when you were both four.” Adam laughed. “Oh my 
goodness. You must be Hank Johnson, and you must be Sarah Johnson,” he 
stated. They acknowledged they were. “Do you know my father still tells 
that story. Let me see, Sarah and I said a few words, kissed, and walked 
four miles away from your home, because we were on our honeymoon. We got to 
the general store in town, and went in to buy the necessities to start our 
married life. I believe candy. When we got to the counter, the lady gave 
me an amount to pay, and I told her I didn’t have to pay, because we were 
married. I believed that married people didn’t pay for their food, because 
I was seeing people buying things on credit. Because of that, I thought my 
Pa had to pay, because he wasn’t married. I also remember getting a 
spanking from my Pa, when they took us home,” Adam said. They all laughed. 
“So you’re Sarah Johnson?” Adam asked looking at Sarah. “And you’re Adam 
Cartwright,” Sarah said.
 
Adam came back to reality, and said, “Um, my family isn’t here right now, 
but they will be back later this afternoon.” Sarah’s heart sank. She felt 
like someone had put a knife in her heart, and twisted it. Her Adam was 
married. She had been so excited about seeing him again, that she didn’t 
think about that. How could she expect someone like Adam Cartwright, to 
stay unmarried? She looked at him with sorrow. Whoever he married, was the 
luckiest woman on earth. He was the most handsome man, with the most 
beautiful body, she had ever seen, but it was more then that. He was her 
Adam. The one she had loved, since they were three. Sarah thought about 
the woman, who shared his bed with him, and tried not picture his holding 
her against him, and making love to her. Just the thought tore her in two. 
She tried not to cry, but couldn’t help it. She turned around, so Adam 
couldn’t see her.
 
Adam turned her around, confused. “Sarah, are feeling alright? Would you 
like to go inside and lie down? Are you tired from your trip?” he asked. 
Sarah shook her head. She looked at her father, who knew the pain Sarah was 
going through right then. He felt for her. Adam looked at him, and noticed 
his expression. He wondered if he had said something, that had offended 
them. “Is something wrong?” Adam asked.
 
Sarah’s father was the first to speak. “No, it’s just we thought your 
father lived here. We didn’t know you were married, and had a family, who 
lived here. If we had, we wouldn’t have imposed,” Hank replied. Adam 
realized why Sarah was so upset. He put his right hand, under her chin, and 
lifted it up. Sarah’s eyes remained closed, tears falling down her cheeks. 
Adam wiped the tears away with this hand. Sarah felt silly. “I’m so sorry 
Adam. You must think I’m silly. I guess I’m just more tired from all the 
traveling, then I thought,” she said. Adam brought her face up again. 
“Sarah Johnson, you’ll have to stay, and meet my wife and children. I have 
ten you know,” Adam lied.
 
“You have ten children?” Sarah asked.
 
“Oh yes, but not for long. You see, my wife is expecting triplets any day 
now, so we’ll have thirteen. See, I’ve always wanted at least twenty 
children. Ten each,” he said, trying not to laugh.
 
“You want twenty children?” Sarah asked in amazement.
 
“Oh yes. Hortence and I want at least twenty. Ten boys. Ten girls,” he 
lied.
 
Sarah looked at him, and replied, “You and Hortence must be very tired. I 
mean. Oh my goodness, I didn’t it that way.” Sarah put her right hand to 
her mouth, and turned away in embarrassment.
 
Adam turned her back around again. “Sarah, when I said family, I meant my 
father, and my two brothers. I’m not married Sarah. I never have been, and 
I have no children. I just couldn’t resist saying that. I’m sorry,” he 
said. Sarah looked him in the eyes. “Really?” she asked. Adam looked in 
her eyes. “Really,” he replied.
 
Hank Johnson cleared his throat. Adam and Sarah came out of their trance. 
“Adam, you say your father has two more sons? I take it he married again?” 
he asked.
 
“Well actually my father has been married twice, since you knew him. 
Unfortunately, he lost both of his other two wives as well,” Adam replied.
 
“I’m surprised he ever married after your mother. He loved her so much. He 
used to tell me about her, and their life together. He told me, he’d never 
marry again, because he couldn’t love anyone, like he loved his Elizabeth. 
I told him, that someday he would find another to love. He disagreed. He 
was so heartbroken then. I sometimes wondered Adam, that if he hadn’t had 
you, if he would have gone on,” Hank said.
 
Adam looked down. He remembered his father some back then, and how he was, 
compared to the man he is now. “He is a different man now, from the man you 
knew then. I think it’s all the hardships, and all the losses, that have 
made him the man he is today. No matter how much he has, he’s never 
forgotten, what it took to get here,” he said.
 
Hank looked at the house, and said, “I had no idea your father had all this. 
 I feel so foolish to admit it, but I came here to start a new life, since 
my Mary died. I was going to see if your father, wanted to go in on a ranch 
with me. I thought we’d be doing each other a favor. Oh well.”
 
Adam thought back. “I remember your wife some now. She was a very kind and 
caring woman. I’m sorry she’s gone,” he said.
 
“Thank you,” Hank replied.
 
“Listen, would you like to go inside, and sit down. Maybe you’d like 
something to eat or drink?” Adam asked. They all went into the house. 
Hank and Sarah looked the house over. Hank’s eyes went to Ben’s desk. He 
walked over to it, picking up the picture facing him. “This is your mother, 
isn’t it Adam? I remember your father looking at it often,” Hank said.
 
Adam took the picture from him. “Yes, this was my mother, Elizabeth. I was 
looking at it just this morning, and forgot to turn it back around,” he 
said.
 
Sarah took the picture from Adam’s hand. She looked at the picture, and then 
at Adam. “You look like your mother, Adam Cartwright,” she said. Adam 
smiled. He loved the thought that he resembled his mother. “My father has 
told me that as well. He always says, take away the stubble on your face, 
and the hairy chest, and you’ve got your mother,” he said, his expression 
turning serious.
 
Sarah put the picture down, and asked, “You miss her, don’t you Adam?”
 
“Very much. It’s like, something has always been missing in my life,” he 
replied.
 
Sarah picked up another picture. “Who is this?” she asked. Adam took the 
picture from her. “This is Inger, my brother Hoss’s mother. My father’s 
second wife,” he said. Hank looked confused. “Horse? Your father named 
his son, Horse?”  he asked. Adam laughed. “No, no Hoss. H-O-S-S. His real 
name is Eric, but we call him Hoss,” Adam replied. Hank laughed. “I was 
worried. I remembered how much your father liked horses, but naming his son 
after them, was a bit much, I thought,” he replied. They all laughed.
 
Sarah picked up the next picture. “Who is she Adam?” she asked. Adam took 
the picture from her. “This is Marie, my brother Joseph’s mother, and my 
father’s third wife. My brother looks just like her,” he replied.
 
Adam and Sarah looked at each other. He didn’t know how to explain it, but 
he wanted to be with her. He wanted to be with her alone. He had his 
opportunity, when Hank said he’d like to rest. Adam showed him to a room, 
and joined Sarah downstairs. “Sarah, would you like to go for a ride around 
The Ponderosa, or are you too tired, and would like to rest as well?” Adam 
asked, hoping she’d agree to go. “I’d love to go for a ride Adam,” she 
replied. “Good. Your father gave me permission to take his buggy, so Miss 
Sarah, if you are ready,” Adam said, holding his arm out for her to grab. 
She did, and they walked out to the buggy together.
 
They parked by the lake, at Adam’s favorite spot. He loved to sit under his 
favorite tree there, and either read, or look at the lake. It always 
calmed him. He helped her off the buggy, and took her hand in his. Sarah 
smiled. She hoped she wasn’t dreaming all this. They sat under Adam’s 
favorite tree. “So Sarah Johnson, tell me about yourself. Did you ever 
marry? I just assumed you didn’t, because your name is still Johnson,” he 
said.
 
“Well actually Adam, I was married to Jacob Johnson. He and I were married 
for seven years. He died from the fever, that killed so many three years 
ago,” Sarah replied.
 
“I’m sorry. Did you have any children?” he asked.
 
“Yes, twenty,” she replied, laughing. Adam laughed. “I deserved that one,” 
he said.
 
“No Adam, we didn’t have any children,” she replied.
 
“I’m sorry. You would make a wonderful mother,” Adam said. He stood up, 
and walked, feeling hurt for some reason, that she had loved, and been loved 
by another man. He couldn’t explain it, but that’s how he felt. “You must 
have loved him very much,” he said.
 
Sarah walked to Adam, who’s back was to her. “I admired him very much, but 
no Adam, I didn’t love him. I only married him, because I thought I’d never 
see you again. Neither I, nor my father, had any idea, whether you, or 
your father, were still alive. My father finally got a letter from your 
father, after all these years. He wrote to thank my father, and my mother, 
for all they’d done for the two of you. My father had no idea, how 
successful your father was, until we got here,” she replied.
 
Adam started to laugh. “What’s so funny?” Sarah asked.
 
“Your name is Sarah Johnson and Johnson,” he said. She laughed as well. 
They both stopped, when he looked in her eyes, but this time, his look was 
different. “Sarah, I’m not this kind of man, but I want to, to. Sarah, I 
think we’d better get back to the ranch now,” Adam said, as he walked 
towards the buggy, with Sarah following.
 
When they arrived home, it was time for dinner. After dinner, they all sat 
in the living room, listening to Hank and Ben tell stories of long ago. 
Adam tried to listen, but his mind kept going back to Sarah. He sat on the 
hearth, looking over at her on the sofa, when he thought she wasn’t looking.
 
That night, Adam lay in his bed thinking. He heard a knock at his door. 
“Come in,” he said. Sarah walked in, closing the door behind her. “Better 
keep the door open Sarah,” Adam suggested. Sarah opened the door, then sat 
in the chair, next to Adam’s bed. “Adam, did I offend you this afternoon, 
and that’s why you left so suddenly? Is that also why you ignored me this 
evening?” she asked.
 
Adam rolled on his left side, facing her. “No Sarah. You didn’t offend me. 
 I, I just, well I, I. Sarah, the same reason I asked you to open the 
door, is why I wanted to leave the lake. It had nothing to do with what you 
said. I ignored you tonight, because I um, well I,” he struggled to say. 
Sarah smiled. “Adam Cartwright, were you frisky?” she asked. Adam bit his 
lip, then replied, “Yes very.” Sarah smiled again. “I didn’t notice, if 
that’s what you’re worried about,” she said.
 
“One of the advantages to wearing black, but no, I was afraid I would have 
compromised you,” he said. Sarah smiled again. “Adam, would you have been 
offended, if I had let you compromise me?” she asked. It was Adam’s turn 
to smile. “Sarah, can I ask you a question?” he asked.
 
“Sure Adam, what is it?” Sarah asked.
 
“Sarah, you said you married Jacob, only because you thought you’d never see 
me again. I don’t understand what you meant? I mean, we hadn’t seen each 
other, since we were five,” Adam said.
 
“I knew when I was three, that you were theone I wanted to marry. I don’t 
know why, but from then on, I loved you, and never stopped. I married Jacob 
when I was twenty-five. My father told me, that he thought you and father 
had died coming out west. We heard about this sort of thing happening all 
the time. I hoped if you weren’t dead, you would come back for me someday. 
Anyway, I just thought about you all the time, and thought maybe you’d think 
about me, and return for me. I guess I was young and foolish, thinking you 
had been thinking about me, just because I had thought about you. I guess 
that’s the difference between males and females,” Sarah replied.
 
“Sarah, our lives were so different from one another’s. I had so much more 
to think about then you did. You got three square meals a day. I was lucky 
to have one. You had a nice soft, warm bed to sleep in every ight. I had a 
thin blanket to sleep on, and an even thinner one, to cover myself with at 
night. I didn’t have a warm bed to sleep on, but the cold, hard earth. I 
rarely ever slept in a bed back then Sarah. I used to freeze at night, and 
my father would put his arms around me, and bring me next to him, to warm 
me. When I was nine, my father worked for a man, whom he confided something 
in. Unfortunately, the man had told his son, who was my age, and he told 
me,” Adam said.
 
“What did he tell you, Adam?” Sarah asked.
 
“I knew my mother died when I was a baby, but until then, I didn’t know I 
had been the one, who killed her. I didn’t know how my father could even 
look at me,” he said, closing his eyes. Sarah put her right hand on Adam’s 
head, and stroked his hair.  “Adam, I never knew how hard you had it. I’m 
so sorry. I only know that your mother didn’t die for no reason, like Jacob 
 did. I don’t know what else to say Adam, except it wasn’t your fault? 
How could it be Adam? I only know, the woman I saw in that picture 
downstairs, would never want her son to go through life, blaming himself for 
her death,” Sarah said.
 
Adam looked at her. “Thank you Sarah,” he said. Adam kept blinking, his 
eyes staying closed longer each time he did, until he finally fell asleep. 
Sarah kissed his forehead, then blew out the lamp, and left the room, 
closing the door behind her.
 
During the night, Sarah’s door opened. “Sarah,” Adam said by her bed. 
Sarah opened her eyes, trying to focus on him in the dark. “I forgot to 
kiss you good night,” he stated, sitting down on her bed. She sat up. 
Adam’s lips met hers, and put his arms around her, with her doing the same 
to him. When the kiss was over, Adam walked towards the door, and said, 
“Good night Sarah,” before leaving her room, closing the door behind him.
 
The weeks went by, and Sarah and Adam spent every free moment together. One 
day, they returned to the place on the lake, that they had visited that 
first day. Adam was quiet the whole way there, thinking. Sarah noticed it. 
 He helped her off the buggy, then took her hand in his, and walked her 
over to the trees. “Sarah, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life 
with you. Sarah, will you marry me?” Adam asked. Sarah smiled, then the 
smile faded, as she walked away from him. Adam walked up to her, her back 
to him.
 
Sarah closed her eyes. This was the moment, she had waited for, for so 
long, but she had to ask the question, before she answered his proposal. 
“Adam, do you want children?” Sarah asked. Adam smiled. “Yes, very much 
so,” he answered.
 
“Adam, how many do you want?” Sarah asked.
 
“Well, I’ve always wanted six. For boys, two girls,” he replied.
 
“Six children? You should have six children, Adam. Adam, my answer to your 
proposal, is no,” Sarah replied sadly. Adam turned her around quickly. “I 
don’t get it Sarah. You love me, and I know it. You came all this way to 
see me, and I fell in love with you, and now you say you won’t marry me. I 
don’t get it Sarah. Why?” Adam asked hurt and confused. Sarah ran, with 
Adam after her. He caught up to her, her back to him. Right then and 
there, Adam realized why Sarah couldn’t marry him. “You can’t have 
children, can you Sarah? You were married seven years, and no children. 
That’s it isn’t it?” Adam asked.
 
“Yes,” Sarah replied crying. Adam turned her around. “Sarah, believe me 
when I say, it doesn’t matter if we have children or not. What matters is I 
love you, and I want to be with you forever. You know how I feel about 
you,” he said.
 
Sarah turned around, and replied, “I was so happy, and so in love, that I 
forgot about not being able to have children. Oh Adam don’t you see, you 
may not mind now, but in time, you’d come to resent me for it,” she said.  
Adam put his hands on her upper arms. “Sarah, my Sarah, you’re so wrong. I 
could never resent you. I can live without children, but I can’t live 
without you. I love you Sarah,” Adam said.
 
Sarah turned to face him. “I only wish I knew that were true,” she said. 
Adam turned her around, and kissed her, like she’d never been kissed before. 
 He took her hand in his, leading her under the tree, they sat under, the 
first time they were there. “Let me show you, how much I love you Sarah, 
right here and now. Will you let me, Sarah?” he asked. “Yes,” Sarah 
whispered. Adam lay her down on the ground, and made passionate love to 
her. Afterwards, both laying down, he held her in his arms. He looked at 
her, brushing the hair from her face. “Sarah, now do you believe how much I 
love you? Will you marry me?” he asked again. Sarah looked him in the 
eyes. “Yes,” she replied.
 
TEN YEARS LATER, Adam came home from a hard day at work. Sarah met him at 
the door, as she always did, with a hug and a kiss. “Hello sweetheart, how 
was your day?” Adam asked.
 
“Oh typical. How was your day?” she asked.
 
“Oh typical,” he replied. “It’s so peaceful and quiet here.”
 
“Father’s home. Father’s home,” three year old Elizabeth announced, running 
up to her father, who picked her up in his arms. With that announcement, 
down the stairs, came six year old Amanda, four year old Eric, five year 
old Joseph, eight year old Benjamin, and nine year old Adam Jr. to greet 
their father. They all talked at once, telling their father about their day.
 
“Father, will you give us piggy back rides upstairs?” Eric asked.
 
“Sure. You all go upstairs, and I’ll be there in a minute,” Adam replied.
 
The six happy children rushed up the stairs. Adam Jr. stopped on the 
stairs, and turned. “Father, I’m too big for piggy back rides now. They’re 
for children,” he replied.
 
Adam smiled. “You know son, I agree. You are too old for such childish 
things.”
 
“Father, do you think that you and I could talk later, man to man,” Adam Jr. 
asked.
 
Adam smiled. “I think we could do that.” With that, Adam Jr. walked 
upstairs.
 
“He’s his father’s son. He was named right,” Sarah said.
 
“Yeah, he does remind me of me. Talk man to man. Speaking of talking. 
Sarah, didn’t you tell me, just before we made love that first time under 
that tree by the lake, that you couldn’t have children?” Adam asked smiling, 
 looking Sarah in the eyes.
 
Sarah smiled. “I guess it was Jacob,” she replied.
 
THE END

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