A MOTHER AND FATHER’S LOVE
By: Deborah S.
 
 
The Cartwright’s sat in church, in the front, right hand pew, as they 
normally did. Hoss was seated to the far right, Joe next to him. Ben to 
his left, with Adam against the aisle. Adam, wearing his black suit, 
watched the minister, as he put his notes on the pulpit. The minister 
straightened up, and began his sermon. “What is a mother? A mother is 
someone who loves you, no matter what,” the minister stated. As he 
continued, Adam sat there The words, a mother loves you, no matter what, 
kept running through his mind. His father must have realized it, for he put 
his left hand, on Adam’s right shoulder. Adam lowered his head, not wanting 
to look at his father. It was at that moment, a question popped into 
Adam’s mind. Can a mother still love you, when giving you life, took 
hers?.
 
“Are you all right son?” Ben whispered to him. Adam couldn’t bring 
himself, to look at his father. He had to get out of there. He rose, and 
walked down the aisle. It felt like forever, before he walked out the 
doors. Closing them, he leaned against them, his head back. He moved, when 
he felt the doors opening. His father walked outside.
 
Ben again put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. Adam moved away. Ben put his 
head down, knowing why. He wished he had known, what the sermon was going 
to be. Never would he had allowed Adam to come. Joe and Hoss could handle 
it. Their lives were different. Hoss never knew his mother, but she bonded 
with him, and didn’t die in childbirth. Joe had it the best of the three, 
having his mother for five years, and a completely different beginning, then 
his older brothers. Adam was the one Ben felt most sorry for. His mother, 
never even got the chance to hold him. Never got to bond with him. Ben 
didn’t know what words to speak, to make his son feel better. He wished, he 
could take all his pain away, but he didn’t know how.
 
Adam finally spoke. “Pa, do you sometimes wish, that I had never been 
born?” Ben looked at Adam, whose head was down. “Son, how could you even 
ask me something like that? Have I ever made you feel, that I wished you 
had never been born?” he asked. Adam waited for a moment before replying. 
“No,” he said, not very convincingly. Adam looked at the buggy, and said, 
“I need to leave right now.”
 
“I understand son. I’ll go inside, and tell Hoss and Joe we’re leaving,” 
Ben said, walking towards the doors.
 
“No, I need to be alone,” Adam replied. Still facing the doors, Ben 
replied, “You take the buggy then son, and we’ll find a way home.” With 
that, Adam got in the buggy, and rode off. Ben watched him, as he did, 
wishing he could help his son. He knew Adam needed to be alone. He would 
give him some time, before he went looking for him. He knew where to find 
him. Ben looked up at the sky, and said, “Elizabeth, please watch over our 
son, and help him to deal with, what he is going through right now.”
 
ADAM DROVE FOR quite awhile, before coming to his special place by the lake. 
 He could think here. He’d always been able to before. He sat under the 
Ponderosa Pine. He sat there, but he couldn’t think. Nothing would come to 
him. He didn’t care. In fact, he didn’t care about anything. He had no 
emotions whatsoever. He felt empty inside. He brought his knees up, his 
hands clasping them, and rested his head on them. He ran his hands, 
through his black hair, his eyes closed, hoping to feel something. Some 
emotion.
 
“My precious little boy, what’s troubling you so?” a woman’s voice said.
 
Adam looked up, and before him, stood his mother. She looked as young, and 
as beautiful, as she did in the picture he had of her. He blinked a few 
times, then shook his head. He had to be imagining this. When he realized 
he wasn’t, tears came to his eyes, as he stood. He reached to touch her 
face, but his hands were stopped, not allowing him to touch her. “Are you 
my mother?” he asked.
 
“Yes Adam, I am your mother. Oh what a handsome man you have become,” 
Elizabeth said, tears in her eyes. “I realize right now, how I missed 
seeing you grow,” she replied.
 
“I must be imagining this. How can you really be here?” he asked.
 
“I have always been here, whenever you have needed me,” she replied. Adam 
reached out to touch her face again, this time his hand wasn’t stopped. Her 
face felt soft. As soft as he had always imagined it would be. He stroked 
her cheek, with his hand.  “I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry,” he 
said. Taking his hand from her cheek, and putting it in hers, she replied, 
“Why are you sorry, Adam?” Adam took his hand from hers, and turned away. 
“You blame yourself, for my death, don’t you son?” Elizabeth asked.
 
“Yes.” he replied.
 
“Look at me son,” she requested. Adam turned, looking at her. Tears were 
falling down her cheeks. “You are not to blame for my death, Adam. I had 
been ill for awhile, before you were even born,” she said.
 
“But I did cause your death. My birth took what strength, you had left in 
you,” he replied.
 
“I would have died anyway son, even if I hadn’t given you life. I know that 
now. Don’t you see Adam, that I could have died, before you were born, and 
how tragic that would have been. I got to see my baby boy. You were so 
beautiful. I remember your father telling me, that you‘d make a handsome 
man, and he was so very right. Adam, by having you, I left something here, 
on this earth, to carry on for me. To remember me always, with love., not 
with guilt. I love you, Adam,” Elizabeth said.
 
“I love you too mother,” Adam replied.
 
“Adam, always remember, a mother loves you, no matter what. That’s a 
mother’s love,” Elizabeth said. Adam smiled, wiping his face of his tears. 
He suddenly felt tired. “I’m so tired all of the sudden,” he said.
 
Elizabeth led him under the tree, where he sat down, resting his head upon 
his knees. “It’s time for you to go to sleep Adam, and time for me to go,” 
she said, tears in her eyes. Before she left, she ran her right hand 
through his black hair, and kissed her sleeping son, on the top of his head.
 
AWHILE LATER, ADAM felt someone shaking him awake. “Adam? Adam?” his 
father’s voice said. Adam opened his eyes, looking around for his mother. 
“You all right son?” Ben asked. Adam looked at his father, and replied, “I 
had the strangest dream Pa. It was so real, but it must have been a dream. 
I must have sleeping the whole time. Adam got up, walking over to the 
lake, where he splashed cold water on his face, to wake himself up. 
Standing by the tree, Ben suddenly got a whiff of a scent. It was how his 
Elizabeth used to smell. He looked around. He felt something wet on the 
back of his hand. Looking at it, it looked like a teardrop.
 
Adam stood up, looking over the vast water, and at the pine trees on the 
other side of the lake. He tried to reason what had happened. Had he 
dreamed the whole thing, or had it really happened? He didn’t know. He ran 
his right hand, through his hair. Ben walked up to him, putting his right 
hand, on Adam’s back. Adam moved away. He turned, and looked at his 
father, hatred on his face. Fear came to Ben’s face. He almost didn’t 
recognize his son. “Adam, what’s wrong son?” he asked.
 
“Don’t touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again,” Adam replied.
 
Ben shook his head. “Adam, son, what is it?” he asked.
 
“You want to know what’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong,” Adam replied, 
looking at his father. “I asked you earlier today, if you sometimes wished, 
that I had never been born. You asked me if you’d ever made me feel that 
way. Do you remember that?”
 
“Yes, I remember,” Ben replied.
 
“I told you no Pa. It’s the only time in my life, that I can ever remember, 
having lied to you,” Adam said. Ben couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 
“So what you are saying Adam, is that you feel, that I do wish, that you had 
never been born?” Ben asked confused. Breathing harder, Adam replied 
“Yes.” Ben looked down. “Do you love me? Have you ever loved me?” Adam 
asked. Ben looked at his son. “Adam, where is all this anger coming from? 
You know I love you. You are my son. My first born. As with all my sons, 
I love you enough, to lay my life down for yours,” Ben replied.
 
“Did you love my mother?” Adam asked.
 
“Adam, how could you ask such a thing?” Ben asked confused.
 
“Because you never talked about my mother. You talk about Inger, and you 
talk about Marie, to Hoss and Joe, but you never talk about my mother, ever. 
 Not to me, not to anybody else. I’m sorry Pa, but this something I have 
felt, my entire life. Answer the question. Did you love my mother?” Adam 
demanded.
 
“Yes Adam, I loved your mother. Son, I don’t understand any of this,” Ben 
said.
 
“Let me talk, and don’t interrupt me. This isn’t easy for me, but it’s 
something, I have to say. “When I was little, you gave me my mother’s book, 
and her music box, but you never told me about her Pa. You wouldn’t even 
allow me to play that music box. You were different back then, I know that. 
 Those times were hard on you, but they were hard on me as well. Pa, you 
can show your feelings to Hoss, and to Joe. I see how you hug Joe, and Pa, 
it hurts. Why can’t you love me Pa? Why can’t you hug me? Is it, because 
you blame me for my mother’s death? I understand that Pa. Lord knows, I 
blame myself for that. Just tell me you love me, please,” Adam said.
 
“Ben replied, “Can you ever find it, in your heart, to forgive me son? 
Adam, each of you are different. Joe grew up hugging me, because of Marie’s 
being there, those first five years. To be honest with you son, I never 
knew, you wanted me to hug you. I put my hands on your back, or shoulder, 
as my way, to show you my love. I show you love, in other ways Adam, just 
as I do for Hoss. It doesn’t mean, that I love Joe, more then you or Hoss. 
I could never love one son over the other. I think you have had so much to 
deal with, so much death, in your life. I understand, I didn’t show you 
much love, when you were little, and I didn’t have much patience with you 
either. I’m sorry for that, but you have to understand something son. I 
couldn’t show you much love, when I didn’t have much love for myself. You 
see Adam, I never blamed you son, for your mother’s death. I blamed myself. 
 Don’t you see that Adam? I was the one, who caused her death. Not you. 
I have had to live, and deal with that, all these years.”
 
“Why would you blame yourself?” Adam asked.
 
“Because she died in childbirth. It was because of me, she was expecting. 
I never blamed you. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine,” he replied.
 
Adam embraced his father, and held him tight. Ben closed his eyes, and 
embraced his son back. “It wasn’t your fault, Pa. You would never have 
intentionally hurt her, or caused her death. Don’t you see Pa, neither one 
of us, was to blame for her death,” Adam replied.
 
“You’re right son. Neither one of us, is to blame for her death. That’s not 
how she would have wanted to be remembered,” Ben said.
 
“I love you Pa,” Adam said.
 
“I love you too son,” Ben replied.
 
Adam looked at his father, and said, “Today something happened. I don’t 
know if I dreamed it, or what, but for the first time in my life, I knew a 
mother’s love, and that a mother does love you, no matter what. I also 
know, that a father can love you, no matter what. I’m sorry for what I said 
to you. I guess I just had this all buried inside of me, for so long that, 
it just all came out. I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for what I 
said to you.”
 
“A father loves you, no matter what. I’m glad you got this out son, and we 
were able to talk about it. I needed to heal as well, where Elizabeth was 
concerned. This was for my benefit, as well as for yours,” Ben replied.
 
“Pa, I think it goes three ways. “A son loves his father, and his mother, 
no matter what,” Adam said. He sniffed the air. “I keep smelling wild 
flowers, but there aren’t any, this time of year,” he said.
 
“Son, what is it that happened? You mentioned, for the first time, you knew 
a mother’s love. How?” Ben asked.
 
“You are going to think I’m crazy, but I swear my mother came to me, and 
talked to me. She was as real, as you are. We talked, and she told me, she 
would have died anyway, even if I hadn’t been born. That she knew that now. 
 That she didn’t want me to blame myself, for her death,” Adam replied.
 
“Think you’re crazy? No son. That wildflower smell, it’s how your mother 
used to always smell. She did come to you. I believe that, with all my 
heart. I asked her to,” Ben replied.
 
“She told me, she was always here, when I needed her. I really needed her 
today, that’s for sure,” Adam said. He looked around. “Let’s go home,” he 
said. Ben smiled, as the two walked to the buggy, arms around each other’s 
shoulders. Ben tied Buck behind the buggy, and the two drove off in it.
 
There beneath the Ponderosa Pine tree, stood Elizabeth,  watching them 
leave. Tears fell down her cheeks. Before she disappeared, she said, “I 
love you both, with all my heart.”
 
THE END

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