THE LETTER
 
By: Deborah S.
 
Adam awoke the next morning. He thought about the day before and the talk 
his brothers and he had had at the cabin about their Mothers. He thought 
about how it touched his brothers Hoss and Joe to receive those items he 
gave them last night. Items their Mothers had touched themselves.
 
Still laying on his left side he could feel the letter in between his hand 
under his pillow. The letter from his Mother that he read the night before. 
 The letter that was undoubtedly not written at one time but over the 
course of a day. Not just any day but a special day. The day he was born.
 
He remembered the words that she wrote. She didn’t blame him for her death. 
 Didn’t want him to blame himself. Wanted him to know how much she loved 
and wanted him. For the first time since he could remember he didn’t feel 
heavy inside.
 
Adam thought about Joshua. The little baby he helped Doc Martin bring into 
the world. The little baby who’s mother died giving him life. How sorry he 
 had felt for that little baby and for what he would have to endure from 
the day he found out about it through his whole life. His Mother hadn’t 
known she would die. Hadn’t written him a note like his had. Joshua was 
twelve now and Adam wondered how he was handling things. Hoss didn’t 
understand that part of it when he said those things to him the day before. 
 Adam did. He knew it firsthand.
 
Adam stretched then sat up. He ran his hand through his hair then yawned. 
He pulled his pillow up to get the letter from beneath it. To his dismay 
there was not one letter under his pillow but two. Both had Adam written on 
the envelopes. Confusion shown on his face as he picked up the unknown 
letter. Adam got up to open his curtain to better see the letter. Sunshine 
spilled in causing him to close his eyes and turn his head. Still holding 
the unknown letter in his hand he climbed back in bed covering himself as he 
sat against the headboard.
 
He recognized the writing on the envelope as that of his fathers. Adam 
turned his head and thought briefly before unsealing the envelope as 
carefully as he could. He took out the letter inside and unfolded it. He 
began to read.
 
My Dearest Son,
 
I spent all night trying to sleep after knowing you had read the letter from 
your Mother. I tossed and turned and knew sleep wouldn’t come until I wrote 
this letter to you. A letter that I would presume takes off from where your 
Mother’s ended. A letter maybe I should have written to you many years ago.
 
I waited until last night to give you your Mother’s letter. I wanted it to 
be the right time. When I made that toast to your Mother last night before 
the fireplace I looked over at you and it hit me. It was time. Then when 
Hoss and Joe came to me and told me about your running out into the blizzard 
I knew I was right. I never realized how much pain and guilt you were 
carrying. You aren’t one to easily show your feelings like Joe is. Maybe 
that comes from losing your Mother and Inger as well. I will refer to Inger 
as your Mother. Inger truly was your Mother in every way. I know somewhere 
in your heart you loved Marie. I know she knew that. She also understood 
why you couldn’t show her the love you had with Inger. I wish I had known 
the reason why. I would have showed you this letter so long ago but were 
you ready my son? I don’t think so looking back. I think you first had to 
deal with it. I don’t know. Maybe I should have. Only you can tell me 
that.
 
I remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday. I don’t know if 
it’s because of the circumstances surrounding your birth or because you 
were my firstborn.
 
When I went home that day all that was on my mind was how your Mother was 
doing. That and seeing our baby for the very first time. When I arrived 
home I was surprised Elizabeth wasn’t holding you and that you were in the 
cradle. It didn’t take long to realize why. She was so weak but as weak as 
she was she was so happy. So proud of you. Of you my son. I don’t know if 
either she or the doctor realized she was so close to death. I know for a 
fact that she would never have not held you if she had known for sure.
 
As I looked in that cradle I saw lots of black hair and a tiny little body 
laying on his stomach, his head turned towards me. Our son. Our little 
boy.
 
When your Mother died I was devastated. I sobbed for both my loss and yours 
as well my son. I know you think your Mother never held you but she did. I 
couldn’t let Elizabeth leave that room until she did. That was a moment she 
had looked forward to for so long. I picked you up out of your cradle and 
laid you stomach down on her chest and stomach. I then wrapped her arms 
around you. You lay there so quietly as if you knew. After a short time I 
placed you back in your cradle again. I then cut a lock of her hair for you 
to have.
 
After they took your Mother away the doctor came in and asked me if I wanted 
to keep you. That he knew of a childless couple who would love to have you 
and would give you a good home. Without having to even think about it I 
refused his offer. He picked you up from the cradle and placed you in my 
arms. He said I needed to bond with you. I remember holding you in my arms 
 for the first time. The feeling that came over me as I held you there 
was unbelievable. A love filled through me that I had never known before. 
The strongest love and a protective love as well. The love a Father has 
for his child.
 
I remember so well how small you were. You opened your eyes and looked at 
me. Your eyes were so deep blue. Your hands so tiny as well as your 
fingers. You opened and closed your hands a few times as I held you there. 
 You were the most beautiful baby. You looked like your Mother. As young 
as you were I could see it.
 
When you started to cry the first time I panicked. I knew you were hungry. 
I didn’t know what to do. The doctor had made arrangements with a woman in 
town who had a baby of her own to breastfeed you. Though I was very 
appreciative of her for doing so it bothered me because it wasn’t your 
Mother. The doctor convinced me it was what needed to be done at the time. 
She lived very close so when you were hungry I took you over to her.
 
Not long after your birth I took to feeding you in that other fashion. I 
turned our business over to your Grandfather to run for the most part and I 
took care of you. I knew it was what Elizabeth would have wanted. It was 
what I wanted as well. Damn the business. You were my son. You were what 
mattered most to me.
 
My favorite thing of all was when you would fall asleep in my arms. How 
much pleasure I found in that. When you would awaken you’d look in my eyes. 
 Sometimes it was if you were asking me with those eyes about your Mother. 
Where she was. I knew someday I’d have to tell you where she was and it 
broke my heart to think about it. I wished I never had to tell you but I 
knew that day would come someday. I knew someday I would have to tell you 
the circumstances behind that. I got to where I hated the word someday. I 
only now wish I hadn’t confided in that man I worked for when you were five. 
 I guess we learn through our mistakes. Unfortunately that was a mistake 
that could never be forgotten by either you or me.
 
If I had told you myself, I would have done so when I knew you could handle 
it more. Maybe finding out at such a young age and the circumstances behind 
your finding out made it more real and more difficult for you to deal with. 
You were too young to understand. I tried to tell you it wasn’t your fault 
but the damage had been done.
 
Do you realize how much I wanted you? A child created from Liz’s and my 
love for each other. How much your Mother wanted you?
 
When I look at you now and see a man instead of a newborn baby my mind 
sometimes drifts back to seeing you in that cradle for that very first time 
again. Of holding you in my arms and having you fall asleep there. 
Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and have that moment back. What I 
wouldn’t give to hold you in my arms again. Sometimes I do in my heart and 
in my mind.
 
I wanted you to know how much you were wanted by both of us and how much you 
were and are loved by me. You will always be my little boy. My precious 
little baby boy. My firstborn. My son.
 
I wanted you to know this now because I knew once your Mother’s letter took 
the guilt away from you that guilt would switch to me. That you would 
blame yourself for taking your Mother away from me. I hope you understand 
that wasn’t true. It wasn’t you who did that. It was one of those things 
in life that we aren’t to question why but are to accept.
 
We’ve had a good life together haven’t we son? I know there have been some 
heartaches and losses along the way to where we are now. In looking back 
though would you have rather not have known the love Inger or Marie? I 
don’t believe you would. I think it was Inger who helped to make you the 
wonderful man you are today. I take some credit there myself but she showed 
you a love I couldn’t show you. A love only a woman has inside of her.
 
 
 
Once your Mother told me that there’s a reason for everything. We don’t 
always know it then when it’s happening but it becomes clear later on. She 
was a deep thinker just like you. Maybe Hoss and Joe were meant to be born. 
 I believe that with all my heart. I couldn’t imagine life without ALL of 
my sons. I love you all more then my life itself. I know in my heart you 
couldn’t imagine your life without them either.
 
I know deep down somewhere inside of you, you have resented Joe some for his 
having his Mother for five years when you never knew your Mother. Remember 
when you were five Adam? When you found out about your Mother? Now put 
yourself in Joe’s shoes who was five at the time of his loss. Sometimes I 
think it’s tougher on him because people knew Marie here. Some have come 
into our lives who knew of her past as well. That can’t be easy for him to 
deal with son. I don’t know if you remember or not but it wasn’t easy for 
you as well at times.
 
When I look at my sons today, I look at them with much pride.
 
Hoss and you have only known your Mother’s in your hearts. That and what I 
have told you about your Mother and what you and I have told Hoss about his 
Mother. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if Liz had lived. 
I could picture the two of you discussing the books you had read. You both 
shared a love there between you. I think Liz would have wanted to shelter 
you. Keep you from harms way in life but at the same time let you have a 
few falls.
 
When you went away to college I thought about how she would have felt as the 
stage drove off with you inside. I know she would have been strong for your 
sake but as soon as that stage left she would have broken down in my arms. 
It wouldn’t have just been me who broke down. Yes son I did. When I 
arrived home after sending you off to college I went into your room and sat 
on your bed. I sobbed for my loss. I never thought you’d ever come back to 
The Ponderosa. I sometimes wonder if Marie hadn’t died if you would have. 
I think you felt you needed to help me with Joe and Hoss and rightfully so. 
You did a wonderful job with them. You were both older brother and 
substitute father as well to them. I’m glad you came home son. It wasn’t 
the same around here without ALL my sons.
 
 
I can’t think of anything else more to say to you except that I love you 
son.
 
Your Father
 
Adam folded the letter back up and placed it in it’s envelope. He looked 
inside at the smaller envelope inside the other. He pulled it out and 
opened it carefully. There inside was a lock of hair. Adam smiled knowing 
it was a lock of his Mother’s hair. His father must have kept that for him 
all these years.
 
He thought about the contents of the letter as he got dressed. He put the 
two letters and the envelope containing his Mother’s hair in her ’Paradise 
Lost’ book. and put it in his dresser under his clothing.
 
As he walked downstairs he saw a very familiar sight. His father behind his 
desk working on paperwork. He paused and looked at his father and tried to 
picture him back in those days when he was a child. He remembered his 
father having dark hair that was now replaced with grey.
 
Adam quietly walked in front of his father’s desk. When Ben looked up and 
saw Adam standing before him he put his pen down and sat up in his chair. 
He wondered if his son had found his letter to him or not. They were both 
silent for a short time before Adam spoke. “You know you can still hold 
me,” he said reaching out his arms to his father. Tears came to Ben’s eyes 
as he rose and walked over to his son’s outstretched arms. They embraced 
each other. Afterwards Adam looked at his father. “I never heard you ever 
call my Mother Liz before.  I never thought or knew about what happened 
after I was born where you were concerned. My mind never went beyond my 
Mother and what happened. I never thought about your holding me like 
that.”
 
“But I did and I needed you to know that. I needed you to know how much I 
loved and wanted you,” Ben replied looking at his son. “I know you probably 
remember my caring for you as a child. Things were tough for us son in many 
ways. I had a difficult time Adam leaving Boston and your Mother behind 
like that as well as all the memories. If it hadn’t been for that promise 
I made to her that I would pursue my dream I wouldn’t have. It’s because of 
your Mother that we stand in this house together and own The Ponderosa,” Ben 
said.
 
“I remember Inger’s insisting you pursue your dream as well. I think she 
deserves some credit there. She was a wonderful person too Pa. I see so 
much of her kindness in Hoss. I see so much of Marie in Joe,” Adam said.
 
“And I see so very much of your Mother in you,” Ben replied.
 
“And I see you Pa in all of us,” Adam stated proudly. Ben was so touched by 
his son’s words that he couldn’t speak. He just nodded his head.
 
Adam looked around. “Where’s Joe and Hoss?” he asked.
 
“Oh Hoss is in the kitchen trying to convince poor Hop Sing that we need to 
celebrate Thanksgiving every Sunday,” Ben replied.
 
“I think it should be more poor Hoss because I have the feeling that ain’t 
gonna happen,” Adam said.
 
“Joe’s upstairs in his room. He’s acting different this morning. Doesn’t 
want to get out of bed,” Ben said concerned. Adam looked towards the 
stairs.
 
“Maybe I should go have a talk with him,” Ben said as he started to move. 
Adam put his hand on his father’s shoulder stopping him. “No Pa let me go. 
I think I need to,” he said then walked up towards the stairs.
 
Adam went into the attic and then to Joe‘s room. He opened it when there 
was no answer to his knock. Joe sat in his bed looking at the razor Adam 
had given him the night before. Adam took the razor from Joe’s hands and 
looked at it. “Joe yesterday you asked me about your Mother. I didn’t say 
much at the time. I’m sorry for that. I was overcome with emotions 
yesterday,” Adam said.
 
“I understand Adam,” Joe replied looking down.
 
“Joe- I-have-to be honest with you about something. I have been jealous of 
you,” Adam said.
 
“Jealous of me, why?” Joe asked looking at his brother. Adam turned his 
head away before answering. “Because you had your Mother for five years. 
Five years Joe. Five years I watched your Mother with you. Watched her 
hold you and love you. Watched her bandage your scrapes. Watched her be a 
real Mother to you. All the things I never had with my Mother. I hope you 
can understand what I‘m saying Joe. Looking at your Mother with you made me 
realize what I had missed and it hurt Joe,” Adam said.
 
“But you had Inger. Didn’t that help some?” Joe asked.
 
“Oh yes but Joe I was five when Pa married her. For the first five years of 
my life I never knew what it was like to have a Mother, and I didn‘t have 
Inger as a Mother very long,” Adam replied.
 
“Do you remember Pa back then Adam? I remember once a long time ago your 
telling Hoss that Pa was different back then. Was he?” Joe asked. Adam 
looked at Joe and nodded his head. “Yes he was different back then Joe. I 
have that in better prospective now. I wasn’t the only one having to deal 
with my Mother’s death. He was also. On top of that he had a son to raise 
on his own. Think about it Joe, he was around your age at the time this all 
happened. How would you feel losing the wife you loved so much and having 
to care for newborn child? Having to raise that child on your own while 
still pursuing your dream. A dream you promised you would pursue. It must 
have been extremely difficult for him,” Adam said.
 
“Adam did you like my Mother?” Joe asked.
 
“I loved her Joe. Enough to defend her,” Adam said.
 
“Defend her?” Joe asked. Adam thought of the words he would use before 
saying them. He didn’t want to hurt his brother. “Joe I know you know now 
what your Mother’s past was. Unfortunately others knew as well. A man came 
to town a long time ago when you were not very old. I think you were around 
two. He recognized Marie and told of her past to the people here. Pa was 
so mad I thought he could have killed that man with his bare hands. Marie 
kept him from doing so. She told him that it didn’t matter what others 
thought of her as long as Pa loved her. That was enough for her.
 
One day at school the kids were teasing Hoss and I about it. Said our 
Mother was a, well I don’t think I need to say the word to you. They 
started to pick on Hoss and that’s when I fought that bully that he told you 
about yesterday. Hoss was young and doesn’t remember the circumstances 
behind it. That bully and some others ganged up on me when I went to Hoss’s 
defense. That’s the time I was beaten up so badly that Pa had to come and 
get me,” Adam said.
 
“Why didn’t you set Hoss straight?” Joe asked.
 
“Because I didn’t want you to know the truth behind the fight. I wanted to 
protect you. You’re my little brother. I wouldn’t want you hurt for the 
world,” Adam replied.
 
“You defended my Mother?” Joe asked looking Adam in the eyes.
 
“No Joe I defended our Mother. She was my Mother too Joe,” Adam said 
looking at the razor again. “Marie was the first to notice I was starting 
to shave. Pa was so busy with the ranch that he didn’t notice such things. 
Maybe also because he’s a man. We can be stupid that way sometimes. Women 
balance us out that way. They notice things we don’t and we notice things 
they don’t. Women seem to notice the loving things in life. Men the 
things that are practical and logical.  I remember one time we went on a 
picnic when you were just a baby. Pa was pointing out the wildlife he saw 
in the fields as we drove by. Marie would look but hardly ever see them. 
All she would see is the field. I realized back then that men were made to 
see the wildlife because we are the hunters who provide the food for their 
families. Women provide the love, warmth, caring and understanding that 
makes a house a home,” Adam said.
 
Adam looked at the razor again. “This razor represents to me the first time 
I allowed myself to feel love for your Mother. I told her I couldn’t love 
her because I couldn’t lose someone I loved again. I don’t remember exactly 
what she told me but something like what one of you said yesterday in the 
cabin. Wasn’t it better to have known that kind of love then to not have 
known it at all?” Adam said.
 
Joe closed Adam’s hand around the razor. “Adam I want you to have this 
razor back. I think it’s important you keep it more then my having it,” Joe 
said tearing.
 
“Joe I didn’t mean for you to feel that way,” Adam replied.
 
“No please Adam I want you to keep it. I really do. It was from her to 
you. It brought me happiness but at the same time it wasn’t mine. Hoss 
told me you gave him the stone Inger gave to you. He’s so thrilled. I 
think you did the right thing there,” Joe said.
 
Adam took Joe’s hand from his and walked out of the bedroom with his razor 
in his hand. Joe wondered if he had hurt his brother’s feelings by not 
keeping the razor. Adam returned a few moments later holding a rifle in his 
hands. “Who’s rifle is that? I’ve never seen that before,” Joe asked as 
Adam sat on his bed. Adam looked at the gun. “It’s your rifle Joe from 
your Mother,” Adam replied.
 
“My rifle from my Mother? I don’t understand,” Joe said.
 
“Joe yesterday Hoss told that story about his taking my rifle. How Marie 
bought me a new one for Christmas and him one as well. He was too young to 
use it but it was the thought that he owned his own rifle. I knew about my 
rifle. You see Marie couldn’t confide in Pa because there again he was a 
man. He wouldn’t have understood why she found it so important Hoss have his 
own rifle. She knew once Hoss got his rifle that someday soon you would 
want your own rifle. She asked me which one to buy you. I gave her a 
choice of three. She chose this one for you. She told me to hide it in the 
attic until it was time to give it to you. Unfortunately she died not long 
after and was never able to give it to you. I forgot all about it until, 
until I realized that you needed something from your Mother. Something she 
had chosen especially for you. I know you have her fencing sword but you 
needed something more then that. Here Joe,” Adam said as he handed the 
rifle to Joe.
 
Joe took the rifle in his hands. Tears started to flow down his cheeks as 
he ran his hand down the rifle. “Thanks,” he said.
 
“You’re welcome Joe. I’ll leave you alone now. I understand how you feel 
right now,” Adam said as he stood and walked out of the room. He looked back 
at his brother before closing the door behind him.
 
Hoss was outside Joe’s door. “You heard?” Adam asked.
 
“Yeah I heard. That was really nice of you Adam,” Hoss said.
 
“Yeah well,” was all Adam could reply. They walked downstairs together. 
While on the stairs Adam stopped Hoss. “Are we or are we not having 
Thanksgiving every Sunday?” he asked.
 
“Dadburnit that Hop Sing said only if I wanted to cook it myself. Dadburn 
Hop Sing anyway,” Hoss said putting his hands in his pockets and walking 
defeated the rest of the way down the stairs. Adam smiled and shook his 
head. He suddenly got a serious look on his face. He saw Hoss getting an 
apple from the fruit bowl on the coffee table and Adam ran down the stairs 
to Hoss’s side. “You aren’t by any chance thinking of making those 
dinners every Sunday yourself are you?” Adam asked worried.
 
“I don’t know. I’m considering it,” Hoss replied.
 
“Oh you wouldn’t, would you?” Adam asked.
 
“I might,” Hoss replied taking a bit from the apple.
 
“Hoss, Hoss you can’t cook. I mean not a meal like that,” Adam said.
 
“Yeah well it’s the only way I’ll get my turkey dinner every week,” Hoss 
replied. Adam walked to the other side of Hoss and stood in front of him. 
Taking the apple from his hand and placing it on the coffee table Adam 
commanded Hoss’s attention. “Now Hoss think about it. If we eat like that 
every week then Thanksgiving won’t be special now will it? How you look so 
forward to those meals because of how Hop Sing prepares them. Not you but 
Hop Sing. Maybe once every three months Hop Sing would agree to do such a 
meal. How about that?” Adam asked his eyes open wide.
 
Hoss picked up his apple and took another bite. “Yeah I could live with 
that,” Hoss replied.
 
“Good boy,” Adam said slapping Hoss on his back. And I’ll buy you a turkey 
dinner every week in town if you’d like at the hotel. How’s that?” Adam 
asked.
 
“Yeah that sounds good. I’ll go for that,” Hoss said taking another bite of 
his apple.
 
“Good boy,” Adam said patting Hoss on his back. “Well I think I’ll go and 
break the good news to Hop Sing right now,” Adam said walking towards the 
kitchen. Hoss walked up this father’s desk and took another bite of his 
apple. He nodded his head. “He fell for it huh?” Ben asked.
 
“Hook, line and sinker. Yeah see I told you Pa that Adam still hasn’t 
gotten over that meal I made that time. He was sick for five days I think 
after it. I knew he could get Hop Sing to agree to make those meals more 
then once a year. Adam has a way of doing those kinds of things. I didn’t 
expect the weekly turkey dinners at the hotel but that’s an added bonus,” 
Hoss said taking another bite of his apple. Ben shook his head. It was 
nice to have life back to normal again.
 
Adam looked at the razor in his pocket. He took it back upstairs and placed 
it in his drawer. He went back downstairs and put his hat and gun belt on. 
Adam looked around for his Father. He spotted him in his leather chair 
sitting by the fireplace. Adam sat down on the hearth next to him. “Where 
you going son?” he asked.
 
I’d like to ask you a favor Pa. I’d like to give that brown and white Pinto 
we picked up not long ago to Joshua. I’d also like to tell him about his 
Mother. He’s twelve now and since his father died before he was born he’s 
lived with his aunt and uncle. I think he needs to know how much his Mother 
loved and wanted him. I also want him to know if he ever needs someone to 
talk to I’m here for him,” Adam said.
 
Ben felt such pride in his son’s words. He put his hand on Adam’s knee and 
patted it. “I think you’re a wonderful man Adam. I think Joshua is a very 
lucky young man to have someone like you in his life. Give him the Pinto as 
an early Christmas gift from us,” Ben said.
 
“Thanks Pa,” Adam said placing his hand on his father’s knee. He stood and 
began to walk away. “Wait a minute Adam come back here,” Ben said motioning 
with his hand. Adam walked back to his father. “Before you go you have to 
tell me how you got Hop Sing to agree to do a Thanksgiving dinner every 
three months,” he said.
 
“It was easy, simple male logic. I simply told him what I wanted and that 
both Hoss and I were bigger then he was,” Adam replied smiling as he walked 
towards the front door. He opened the door and looked back at his Pa. 
“Thank you for what you did Pa,” he said.
 
“What did I do?” Ben asked.
 
“You made it so my Mother did hold me. I can‘t tell you how much that meant 
to me that you did that and to read those words,” Adam replied.
 
“I had hoped you didn’t think I was crazy for doing that son,” Ben replied.
 
“I have to admit something Pa. One reason I’m going over to see Joshua is 
to tell him that very thing. You see I did the same thing to him with his 
Mother that you did to me,” Adam said before closing the door.
 
THE END

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