Widowmaker

by

Janice Sagraves

ONE

Adam Cartwright enjoyed the summer, in spite of the hard work, the heat, the rain, the bugs and a myriad of other things that conspired to make a man’s life miserable. And one thing he did enjoy was breaking horses. Some people, including his own brothers, thought he was crazy and sometimes he agreed with them, but he had an affinity with the animals that some envied. And when he saw someone that had the same rapport with the creatures, he was quick to warm to them.

That could be said of Billy Gillespie. Billy’s father was one of the first men hired by Ben Cartwright in the early years. And he was certainly one of the best bronc busters ever to work on the Ponderosa. But when he was injured and told no more his son had sort of moved out of his shadow. Though not as good, leastways, not yet, the boy did have a way with horses. And for that reason, Adam felt a kinship for the young man and had since the boy was four.

Adam was leaned over the edge of the chute, his black hat pushed back on his head. “Now this one’s a might more tricky than what you’re used to, Billy. He’s already thrown more men than I can count on one hand. Are you sure you wantta go through with this?”

Billy’s cobalt eyes twinkled as the sunlight caught them. “I’m sure, Boss. Besides, if you didn’t think I was good enough you wouldn’t even let me close to him.”

“All right, Billy,” Adam said with a dubious grin and slapped him on the shoulder. “But if you get into trouble…”

“I won’t, Boss. I’m Seth Gillespie’s son, remember?”

Adam still wasn’t sure he should let Billy on this bone crusher, but the boy seemed confident and Adam had seen him ride. Still, he had reservations. With a nod to the two men on either side of him he shouted, “All right, boys, let ‘er rip!”

The gate jerked open and the horse burst out in a ball of screaming, snorting black fury, but Billy stuck to him like a burr.

Amid whoops and hollers Adam climbed down and went to where his brothers leaned against the fence to watch. Anytime someone climbed aboard Widowmaker it was an event. No one wanted to miss the chance that maybe the right man would come along and stick with him.

“Adam, are you sure it was such a good idea to put Billy up on Widowmaker?” Hoss asked.

“He can handle it,” Adam said, never taking his eyes from the contest between man and animal.

“I know, but…”

“I said he can handle it, Hoss.”

Widowmaker twisted in an effort to bite, but Billy pulled on the halter rope straightening his head. Then all of a sudden the horse went stiff legged and pushed himself off the ground. But the annoying rider stayed firmly rooted in the saddle. This he tried a few more times and when that didn’t work he resorted to a favorite tactic of trying to rub them off against the fence. This failed as well, and the animal was becoming even more frenzied.

“Ride ’im, Billy!” Adam shouted.

Then, what Adam feared most happened as Widowmaker sunfished, standing almost straight up on his hind legs and turning his belly to the sky. As he did he tossed his head back with a wild squeal which threw off his balance, and he pitched backwards. To everyone’s horror the horse landed on top of Billy, crushing him beneath the saddle and six hundred pounds of furious bone and muscle.

“Billy!” Adam screamed.

Men, including the Cartwright brothers, poured over the fence like ants as Widowmaker got to his feet, addled and dazed for less than a second. As a man ran to his head the horse snapped at him, but more grabbed him, and they managed to get him slightly under control.

Adam was immediately at Billy’s side. The boy lay in a crumpled, dusty heap on the hard packed ground. Adam instantly saw that three of his ribs had punched bloody holes through his shirt and blood was beginning to pool in the dirt. “Billy,” he said softly. “Billy.” Slowly, his eyelids fluttered, and he looked into Adam’s face. For a few seconds the spark of life remained but then his eyes closed as it extinguished itself.

“I’ll go get the doctor,” Joe said as he pushed himself away from the ground.

“Don’t bother, Joe,” Adam said lifelessly. “He’s gone.”

“I’ll take him to the wagon,” Hoss said as he came up behind his older brother.

“I’ll do it.” Adam held out his arm to hold Hoss back. Then he gently gathered Billy into his arms. The boy was spare and just on the down side of twenty so it took little effort to lift him.

Hardly anyone moved, and it had grown deathly silent as they watched a grief-stricken Adam Cartwright carry the limp form – one arm dangling – to the wagon. No one tried to stop him or offered to go with him as he climbed onto the seat and drove away.

They knew where he was going, and they knew it was something he had to do alone.

It took about twenty minutes for Adam to reach the Gillespie place. It was nestled on the bottom slope of a hill not far from Grizzly Creek. It wasn’t much as houses went but it was comfortable for a retired bronc buster and his wife. And the inside was warm and homey, Mrs. Gillespie had seen to that.

The wagon ground to a stop in front of the weathered three-room building. As it did Seth Gillespie limped out onto the porch with his wife Margaret at his side. They were bright and glad to see him.

“Mornin’, Adam,” Seth said cheerfully as he riffled his fingers in his thick, salt-and-pepper hair. “We sure didn’t expect to see you here today.”

“I just baked a pie and you…” But a squeeze on her arm by her husband hushed her.

“Adam, you look like a month full o’ rainy Sundays. What’s wrong?”

Adam climbed down and came around to the back of the wagon, his face growing longer. “It’s Billy,” was all he could get out.

Seth and Margaret came around in front of him and saw their son. A distraught mother cried out her boy’s name as the tears started, and she reached out to him, lovingly brushing back a light-colored wisp from his pale forehead.

Seth’s doleful muddy brown eyes turned to Adam. He’d been a bronc buster long enough to pretty much recognize what had killed his boy, but he asked anyway. “What happened?”

“I put him on Widowmaker.” Adam’s hands balled into tight knots. “He sunfished.”

Seth had seen way too many men crushed beneath a falling horse, and now he was forced to add his own son to that list. “Well, we’d best get him inside,” Seth said dully. “Adam, would you help…?”

“No, don’t you touch him!” Margaret stormed and put herself between her son and Adam. “You’ve done enough!”

“Margaret, we need to take him into the house and with this bad leg…” Seth started, quite obviously surprised by her outburst.

She whirled on him, her eyes glittering like bits of coal. “I won’t have him to lay a hand on our son! It’s because of him Billy’s dead!”

“Margaret, these things happen when you break horses,” Seth soothed. “It’s nobody’s fault.” He put his hand on her shoulder but she knocked it away.

“You’re just like him and all the others! You think breaking horses and getting killed is so noble! Well, it isn’t!” Then she spun around and shoved Adam back. “I won’t have you touching my son!” Her glare turned icy. “Why my Billy? Why couldn’t it have been you?”

Seth saw the life go out of Adam Cartwright’s eyes. He and Margaret had known him since he was fifteen-years-old and treated him more like a son. And Billy had always idolized and looked up to him like an older brother, especially after what happened to Todd. But now that part of his life was gone and Seth feared what would come from this.

“Mrs. Gillespie, Billy was like a brother to…”

“No!” she screeched and moved in and started pummeling him with her fists.

Adam didn’t try to defend himself, he simply took her punishment.

Seth wrapped his arms around her from behind and grabbed her wrists. “Adam, take him on in the house.”

“No, you keep away from him!”

But Adam did as Seth said and caringly scooped the boy up and took him inside. Margaret broke away and ran after him. As Adam was coming out of the only bedroom where he’d left Billy on the bed she was waiting for him.

“You’ve done what you came to do,” she said low and scathing, fury flickering in those same cobalt eyes, “so get out of this house and don’t ever come back.”

Adam just looked at her and felt all the hurt inside him intensify.

“Wait for me outside, Adam,” Seth said mildly as he touched the young man’s arm.

Again Adam did as he was told. Once outside he went to wait by the team. “It should’ve been me,” he said to himself. He patted one of the big animals’ on the neck and stroked the large muzzle. Then he looked around as a strong hand rested on his back. “I’m sorry about this, Seth.”

“I broke broncs for almost thirty years until one of ‘em broke me, and I know how these things can happen. My gettin’ stove up ain’t nobody’s fault, it’s just the way the cards was dealt me. Billy knew what he was riskin’ every time he got on one of those jugheads. We all do.”

“But, Seth, I’m the ramrod, and I should’ve known better. Billy was good, but he wasn’t ready for Widowmaker.”

“Son, it’s easy to second guess yourself. We can always see the mistake after we’ve made it. But who’s to say it was a mistake? When a horse goes back like that even the best can get killed.”

Adam wasn’t accepting what Seth said. He glanced toward the house and felt an overwhelming despair for Billy’s mother. “I’ve torn the heart out of her. I don’t blame her for hitting me and hating me.” All his sorrow was illuminated his face. “I deserve it all.”

Seth gripped his arm. “No, you don’t,” he said sincerely. “Margaret has always loved you like you was her own. She’s told me more ‘n once that she’s come to think of you as hers. But right now she can only think of Billy. She never understood what I did for a livin’ and after I got this,” Seth drove his hand against his bad leg, “it only got worse. And when Billy took it up she wasn’t happy. But she’ll come around. It’s just gonna take some time.” A warm, comforting smile lit Seth’s craggy, weather-beaten face. “Trust me on this.”

“I do trust you, but on this I think you’re wrong. I’ve hurt her too badly.” Adam’s eyes darted away briefly. “I don’t know why you don’t hate me too.”

“Because you didn’t kill my son, that horse did, and he was just actin’ out of instinct. And because I know how much you cared for Billy, and you’d never want to hurt him. Margaret does too, only other things is kinda blockin’ it. Now why don’t you go on home? And I’ll expect you and your family at the funeral tomorrow.”

Adam looked toward the house.

“Don’t worry about Margaret. She’ll be all right. Now go on.”

With an abrupt nod, Adam climbed back onto the seat and slapped the reins against the horse’s backs. As the wagon headed out a solid conviction was cemented inside him that he would only put one person on Widowmaker ever again.

TWO

It was a little after noon when the small gathering of people broke up and started to leave. It had been decided to put Billy next to Todd on the grassy mound down by the creek. They’d loved playing there as children and now they rested there as brothers. Seth and Margaret Gillespie stood at the side of the newest grave as Reverend Ford shook Seth’s hand and gave his condolences then left them. Ben Cartwright and his three sons stood at a respectable distance.

As the Gillespie’s turned around, Margaret froze in place. Her eyes grew menacing, and one could see the loathing in them as she saw Adam. Her full mouth set in a bleak, flat line, and she let Seth lead her over to them.

“Thanks for coming, Ben,” Seth said as he held out a work-callused hand. “I know Billy’d be glad you all came.”

“He was like a member of our family,” Ben said as they shook hands. “We’re really going to miss the lad.”

“He thought an awful lot of you and your boys too. I remember how excited he was when you hired him on.”

“Well, I knew if he was as good a horse breaker as his father I’d be a fool not to,” Ben said with a warm grin.

“How dare you come here,” came soft and ominous from Margaret as she stepped to Adam. “You have no right to be here. If it wasn’t for you my son wouldn’t be lying in his coffin about to be covered with six feet of earth.”

“Mrs. Gillespie, I…” Adam started.

He didn’t get the chance to finish before she slapped him hard across the face. Everyone was stunned.

“Margaret,” Seth said sharply and grabbed her arm. “They’ve come to pay their respects.”

“They’re welcome, but he isn’t. He killed my son.” Her face turned cruel and ugly. “I hope you never know another moment’s peace. And my only wish now is that I live long enough to see you torn and mangled like he was.”

“I think we’d better start back to the house.” As Seth turned her to go his apologetic eyes sought out Ben. He shrugged but words failed then they went to their buckboard and left.

Ben couldn’t miss Margaret’s utter hatred as she looked back at his son and it chilled him. He suspected that after the shock of Billy’s tragic death began to wane she would regret this episode. But a little voice spoke to him and told him not to be so sure.

“She didn’t mean that,” Hoss said and put a consoling hand on Adam’s shoulder. “She’s all broke up an’ probably don’t even know what she’s sayin’.”

“She knows,” and Adam stuck his hat on his head then turned to his father. “I think I’ll walk back.”

“That’s over a mile, son.”

“I know how far it is, Pa.” Then, with a glance at his brothers, Adam walked away.

“He’ll be all right, Pa,” Hoss said as he watched Adam go.

“You think so?” Joe asked. “I don’t. Maybe he would’ve if she hadn’t slapped him and said what she did, but I doubt it. Not our older brother.”

Ben had seen it in his son’s eyes; the self-doubt and the guilt. And he knew his son well enough to know that trouble was coming. What form Adam’s repentance would take he could only guess at, and his palms grew sweaty at the thought. For one thing sprung to mind, and he knew there was nothing he could do to stop it.

vvvvvvvv

Adam sat on a large boulder with one leg drawn up in front of him and his arms around it with fingers laced together. Nature went about its business around him, and the day moved steadily toward evening but he wasn’t aware of any of it. His attention was so focused on the stream cascading over the rocks that he didn’t hear the horses come up behind him and stop.

“I’ll give a month’s salary to know what you’re thinking,” Joe said as he squatted next to him.

But Adam didn’t seem to hear him or even know he was there. The sun filtered through the leaves of the trees that lined the bank and caught in the intent dark hazel eyes and cast undulating stripes of light over his wavy black hair. His stern features were set in fierce concentration, and he didn’t move except to breathe.

Joe couldn’t remember ever seeing his brother so pensive in all the nineteen years he’d known him. He knew that Mrs. Gillespie’s slap hadn’t hurt him near as much as her words had. Joe repeated his name and put a gentle hand on his arm.

“I’m as guilty of that boy’s death as if I’d put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger,” Adam said without looking around. “I knew he couldn’t handle Widowmaker.”

“And how did you know? Billy was good, real good; just like his father. Oh, maybe he wasn’t as good, but I’ve seen him hold his own with horses almost as rank as Widowmaker. What happened yesterday could’ve just as easily happened to any one of us; it turned out to be Billy, is all.”

Adam finally looked at his brother and the sadness and remorse in his eyes nearly drowned Joe.

“But I told him to ride that hellion.”

“You didn’t tell him, you asked for a volunteer and Billy stepped up. “

“And I should’ve said no. I should’ve told him he wasn’t ready for Widowmaker.”

“In front of the men? You couldn’t do that. That would’ve shamed him in everybody’s eyes.”

Sharpness came to Adam’s voice as well as his face. “Better shamed than dead. Joe, can’t you get it through that thick head of yours that I’m responsible for this and nobody else?”

“Ah, you’re just doubtin’ yourself after what Mrs. Gillespie said and did at the funeral today. Now why don’t you try to put it behind you and come on home? It’ll soon be time for supper, and you’re still in your dress clothes. I brought Sport with me.”

“Put it behind me?” Adam flared. “I got her son killed, and she hates me for it. How can I ever put that behind me?”

“Adam,” Joe said as his fingers tightened on his brother’s arm.

But Adam pulled away from him and looked back to the soothing water.

A surge of frustration ran through Joe. Adam was the most obstinate person he’d ever run afoul of and he turned out to be his own brother. Joe jerked to his feet as his hands went to fists. “Maybe I should ride Widowmaker just to show…”

Adam’s head snapped around and the hazel suddenly turned pure onyx. “Don’t you go near that horse, you understand me? Nobody else is going to ride him but me.”

“You’re my brother, not my boss. You don’t tell…”

Adam was immediately on his feet and towering over his little brother. “That’s right, your older brother, and I’m telling you that you will not go near that horse. Do you understand me, Joseph?”

Joe physically ducked. It’d been a long time since he’d heard Adam use his proper name, and it told him that his brother meant business. He wanted to argue about it but he knew when Adam got the bit in his teeth it did no good. “If that’s the way you want it? But I don’t see what putting yourself up on him is going to do except maybe…”

“Joe,” Adam said, and his expression and tone softened, “thank you for bringing my horse. Now why don’t you go on back home? I’ll be along later.”

End of conversation, and Joe knew it. Anymore words thrown at his brother would only be wasted. When Adam’s mind was made up it might as well be chiseled in stone.

With a deep sigh Joe turned and went to Cochise, then, with a final look at his brother, he vaulted into the saddle. He watched as Adam sat back down and refocused his attention on the stream. At the thought of Adam on Widowmaker a quick shiver ran through him. He’d seen Billy, and the idea of it happening to his own brother scared him more than just a little.

With a kick and tugging his horse’s head around Joe headed back home in a flurry of hooves. He’d gotten nowhere – maybe Pa would have better luck.

vvvvvvvv

Ben sat in the red chair by the hearth, fingering the bowl of his pipe. A quick glance at the big grandfather clock told him that it was almost quarter to ten and still his son hadn’t returned home. Ben didn’t believe he’d had an accident or done anything stupid, but when he needed to think Adam was lost to the world and everyone in it. And right now he had plenty to think about.

Ben’s attention was drawn to his youngest as Joe came down the stairs. “I thought you’d gone to bed.”

“I can’t with him out there like that.” Joe took himself over to the settee and flopped down on it. “Pa, why’d she havta slap him like that? And what she said hurt even worse. I know she’s upset about Billy just like you’d be if it was one of us, but he was just doing his job like we all do, and nobody’s to blame for what happened. Why can’t she see that?”

“She’s a mother, son, and Billy was her only child after Todd was killed.”

“That was twelve years ago.”

“You never get over a thing like that,” Ben said with a shake of his head. “Last year, when I thought Adam had been killed by the Paiutes, I felt my life had ended too. There’s no other feeling like losing a child, and I hope and pray that none of you ever know it.”

“But Seth isn’t blaming Adam for this.”

“Seth was a buster, and he understands how things are when you do that for a living. But women don’t. All Margaret saw was her son broken in the back of that wagon and heard Adam say he put Billy on that horse. So to her Adam as good as killed her boy.”

“But I was there, and I saw Billy volunteer to ride him. I could tell Adam didn’t like it but what else could he do? That was Seth Gillespie’s son, and if he couldn’t stick with Widowmaker nobody could.” Then Joe went sullen and wrapped his arms around himself. “Pa, you know he’s gonna try to ride that horse.”

Ben frowned and glared at the pipe. “I’m afraid I do.”

“Well, maybe you can talk him out of it.”

Ben’s cheerless smile didn’t reach his eyes as he looked at Joe. “We both know better than that. When your brother decides to do something it would be easier to turn a stampede with a hickory switch.”

“Then you’re not even gonna try?”

“I’ll try, all right, for all the good it’ll do. But you know as well as I do that Adam is hard to turn when his mind’s set.”

“Well, what if you just got rid of the horse? Sold him or turned him loose?” Joe’s face crumpled, and he ruffled his dark brown curls. “The thought of Adam on…”

But the front door cut him off as it opened a crack, and Hoss stuck his head inside. “Pa, Adam just rode in.”

Ben and Joe were instantly on their way out. When an anxious father and two brothers left the porch Adam was leading Sport into the barn. If he heard them he didn’t bother to give them any recognition. When they went inside after him he was putting his saddle onto a stand. His black dress coat, boots and hat were covered with a thin film of dust, and they could only begin to guess at where he’d been. The black string tie had been removed from the collar of his white shirt, which was open at the throat, and one end of it peeked from a coat pocket. They watched and waited to see if he would say anything but he still didn’t seem to notice them.

“Son?”

Adam continued with Sport and once he had him stripped down, properly dried off and put into his stall and fed, then, and only then, did he pay any attention to them, slight as it was. However, he still had nothing to say. He walked straight past them, never once making eye contact and went on to the house.

Ben felt cold all the way through. This was worse than he’d imagined, and he feared for his son. Only once before had he ever seen Adam like this. After Marie’s death he got it into his young mind that she’d died because he’d loved her, just as Inger had. Even his own mother had died because of him. And he’d dwelled on it to the point where Ben’s worry for his eldest, combined with his own grief, had very nearly overwhelmed him. Now it was happening again, only this time Adam felt directly responsible. And that, coupled with the indignation and blame heaped on him by Margaret Gillespie, drove Ben to thoughts he didn’t want to have. But worst of all was the image of his son lying dusty and broken and bleeding in the dirt. He shook his head in an effort to shake it off then followed after Adam; Joe and Hoss right behind him.

THREE

It was early when Adam rode out to the breaking corral, his brothers tagging along behind like a couple of annoying shadows.

He reined in by one of several large oak trees and got down and was just tethering Sport as they joined him. He glared at them. “My keepers. I thought you were supposed to be mending fence on the East range today. What happened? Did it fix itself?”

“Hank and Jonesy are doin’ it,” Joe said.

Adam nodded. “I see. And how much did you have to pay ‘em?”

“We didn’t have to pay ‘em anything,” Joe huffed. “They’re doing us a favor.”

“Yeah. Was this Pa’s idea or your own?”

“Ain’t nobody’s idea,” Hoss said. “We gotta work too just like anybody else on the Ponderosa.”

“Uh-huh, and isn’t that what you were supposed to be doing on the East range?” Adam said and gave them a skeptical eye. “Well, you might as well make yourselves useful since you’re already here. But do me a favor and don’t get in my way.”

“Now when have we ever gotten in your way?” Joe asked as if his brother’s remark stung.

Adam’s dark eyes drilled into them, then he shook his head and started toward the corral, his chaps slapping about his legs.

“This ain’t gonna be easy, Joe.”

“I know, but we’ve gotta do everything we can to keep him off that horse. I saw a friend killed, and I don’t want it to happen to my own brother.”

They dismounted and tied Cochise and Chubb next to Sport then went off after Adam. By the time they reached the enclosure Widowmaker was being put into the chute. They looked quickly at each other then let their eyes scan for their brother.

“I don’t see him, Joe.”

“Over there, by the stock pen. You go keep him busy, and I’ll take care of Widowmaker.”

Hoss snagged the front of his little brother’s vest. “Joe, you ain’t gonna try to ride him are you?”

“I may be young but I’m not stupid. If the horse didn’t kill me Adam would, and he’d be nasty about it. Now go on.”

As Hoss took off to distract their brother Joe tried to figure out a way to keep his end of the bargain. The only thing he could think of was to turn the animal loose and hope he didn’t stop running till he hit California. Joe sauntered casually past the gate and discreetly unfastened it and left it ajar then moved to the chute. Now he had to come up with a way to get Widowmaker out into the corral. But with two men right there with him it wasn’t going to be easy. He glanced over and saw that Hoss had Adam engaged in a rather animated conversation, with most of the animation being on Adam’s part.

As he moved closer to where the horse was Joe became aware that his oldest brother had gotten loud and his words filled with aggravation. Hoss was deliberately provoking him and Joe took this as his cue. The attention of everyone around, including the two men on top of the chute was drawn to them. Joe slipped between the rails of the fence into the corral, took a deep breath, and pulled the latch on the chute door and opened it a crack. Then he sneaked back out and hoped nobody saw him. Turning around, he yelled at his brothers, driving his boot heel hard into the side of the chute. The close proximity of the bang to his ears drove an already agitated Widowmaker into frenzy, and he threw himself against the door. It sprung open, and the horse took full advantage of his newfound freedom and bolted out. Unrestrained chaos broke loose as men scrambled to try to get to him. But before they could Widowmaker discovered the partially open gate and made good his escape.

Four men took to their mounts and lit out after him. But Joe and Hoss made no effort to bring him back and this wasn’t lost on Adam. He looked first to a pair of green eyes that bore no guilt whatsoever and then to a pair of blue ones that practically screamed it. He could feel the heat nibbling at the roots of his hair and traveling down his spine. They weren’t going to be slaughtered, leastways not yet. Crooking a finger, he motioned Joe over, and it did him good to see the blood drain from his little brother’s face. When Joe continued to stand his ground Adam gave a quick jerk of his arm. Hesitantly, Joe came to stand next to Hoss. Adam’s fists went to his hips as he scrutinized them, one boot toe tapping the ground with a steady cadence.

Adam was almost afraid to open his mouth. He wanted to scream at them, but not here and not in front of the men. “Go back to the house – I will deal with you later,” he said with cold calmness.

“Adam.”

“Not... another… word.” Adam’s mouth set, he closed his eyes, and his arm stretched out as a single finger pointed toward the way they had come.

His brothers gulped. Joe started to say something but Hoss seized his arm and shook his head, his eyes pleading.

Adam lowered his arm and watched through slits as they went to their horses and started back to the house. “I’m going to kill them,” he said half under his breath.

vvvvvvvv

Hoss and Joe knew better than not to do what their brother told them, so when he said go home they went. They were in the barn cleaning up when, just over two hours later, the axe fell. They were so busy that they didn’t notice the gray shadow loom from the doorway.

“Making yourselves useful, I see.”

Hoss dropped a full sack of grain that landed on his little brother’s toes and whirled around. Joe yelped and grabbed his foot then he too turned and quickly forgot about his mashed digits. Adam stood with his arms crossed over his chest – head tilted to one side and face the color of granite and just as hard.

“Look, Adam, I can explain…” Joe began feebly.

Adam slowly shook his head, his mouth drawing up again. “There is nothing… you can say… that can possibly… explain… what you did.”

Hoss swallowed hard. “Did… Did they catch ‘im?”

“Oh, yeah, they caught him,” Adam said, his voice smooth as cream. “In Rattle Snake Gorge!”

Joe and Hoss’ faces pinched as they cringed.

Adam began to stride with long, deliberate steps toward them with his hands clasped behind his back. “Ty broke his collar bone, Luther got not one but two black eyes, Jesse looks like thirty miles of bad road, but Ray got off lucky.” He came up behind them, rested his arms on their shoulders and spoke softly into their ears. “He only lost five teeth when he rode into a low branch.”

Joe and Hoss stood stone still, their faces as sick as they’d ever been as they refused to look at him. “Adam, we…” Joe started.

“No,” Adam said as he pushed himself away from them. He walked around them and started out but stopped, facing the door. “I’m not going to tell Pa about this.”

Joe and Hoss relaxed and each heaved a sigh of relief.

Then Adam turned back to them with a sadistic satisfaction on his face. “You are. And I’m going to be right there when you do.”

“Ah, come on, Adam, we was only tryin’ to…”

“What, Hoss? You were trying to do what?” Hoss opened his mouth but Adam held up his hand and silenced him. “I don’t wantta hear it. Now I’m going into the house, and then you’re coming in and tell Pa all about what you’ve been up to. And if you don’t I’ll come out here and drag you in.” Then, with a smile that dripped pure sarcasm, Adam turned on the ball if his foot and left.

“I wish he’d just yell at us,” Joe said flatly.

Joe and Hoss looked at each other and their expressions just got sicker.

vvvvvvvv

Ben sat in his usual chair by the fireplace and watched his sons have at each other. Joe and Hoss didn’t stand a chance, and he almost felt sorry for them. Secretly, he wished his youngest son’s plan had worked, but he couldn’t let on. He had to seem sympathetic to Adam’s anger and not choose sides, something he tried never to do.

“Pa, would you tell him to listen?” Joe begged. “There’s nothing that says he has to ride Widowmaker.”

Adam sat on the table in front of the hearth watching Joe, his hands resting on his knees. “I say I have to, Joe. This is what I want to do.”

“Get yourself killed?” Joe stormed as he spun on his oldest brother. “Because that what’s gonna happen if you try to ride that horse! You saw what it did to Billy!”

Adam’s face hardened. “Of course I did. I was there too, remember? But who says I’ll even be thrown? I’m a little bit better at this than Billy was simply because I’ve been at it longer.”

“I always heard there ain’t a man that cain’t be throwed,” Hoss put in.

“Or a horse that can’t be rode,” Adam added. “And I fully intend to ride Widowmaker.”

“Adam, why is this so important to you?” Ben asked. He thought he caught a fleeting glimpse of uncertainty in his son’s eyes. “Can you tell me that?”

Adam was silent for a moment as his family watched him closely. “I have to do this for Billy.”

“And get killed for Billy?” Joe blurted. “Do you think that’s what he’d want?”

“This is what I want, Joe. And there’s nothing you or anybody else can say or do to change that, so let it alone. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve got work to do.”

Joe and Hoss exchanged anxious looks then turned to their father. He knew what was in their minds for it was in his as well. “Son, you’re not going to try to ride Widowmaker today, are you?”

“No, not today. I want to wait until he’s not so tired from running all over the Territory,” Adam said and shot his brother’s a cutting look. “But I won’t make any promises about tomorrow or any other day. Now I really do have some work that I have to get to.” Then he came to his feet and took himself across the room. “Are you two coming?” he asked as he snapped his hat from the bureau. Then he went out, leaving the front door open.

“Pa, you can’t let him get on that horse.”

“Joe’s right, Pa. We all know that if’n he tries he could end up like Billy.”

Ben looked into the troubled faces of his sons. “I think you’re both underestimating your brother’s ability.” But then his brow furrowed and the disquiet returned. “You’re right, though, that we can’t take the chance.”

“Then what are we gonna do?” Joe asked.

An idea began to roil around in Ben’s brain, and he stood. “I know of something that might work. I can’t be sure but I can try. Now you’d both better get back to work before your brother comes looking for you.”

Ben contained his amusement as he watched them pale and saw fear dash into their eyes. They weren’t really afraid of Adam but he knew they didn’t want another lashing from their acid tongued brother.

“You’re right, Pa, we’ve got plenty to do out in the barn.” Joe smacked Hoss against the arm then he turned for the door. “Come on, Hoss.”

After they’d gone Ben went to get his hat and gun belt. He wasn’t sure that what he had in mind would work but, for his son’s sake, he had to try.

vvvvvvvv

Ben rode straight to the Gillespie house. He got right down and went onto the flat porch. He never hesitated when it came to the safety and wellbeing of his sons. And if Margaret didn’t want to talk to him the worst she could do would be to slam the door in his face. So he knocked and waited.

The door opened and Margaret’s face went dour when she saw him. “Hello, Ben,” she said impassively. “Seth isn’t here. He went over to Regis Coburn’s and I don’t know when he’ll be back.”

“It’s not Seth I came to see.”

She looked at him pointedly then turned around and went back into the parlor. “You can come in if you want to, but you’ll only be wasting your time.”

Ben came in with his hat in his hands and closed the door. “For any one of my sons my time is never wasted.”

“Your sons,” she spat out. “I once had sons too. But a hunting accident cost me my oldest and your son cost me my youngest.”

“Now you know that’s not true, Margaret. Adam thought an awful lot of Billy and would never…”

“Hurt him? You’re right. He didn’t hurt him – he killed him when he made him ride that horse.” She swiped at her graying, honey-colored hair then whirled back to the stove and began stirring the large pot that bubbled on it. “And nothing you can say is going to change how I feel. I’ll hate him for as long as I’m alive. And you can tell him that.”

Dejection crept over Ben’s face. “He knows, and I think that’s one of the things that’s driving him.” He stepped up behind her. “Did you know that he’s planning on trying to break that horse that killed Billy?”

She went perfectly still then slowly looked around at him.

“That’s right. The horse killed Billy, not my son. Billy volunteered to ride Widowmaker. Adam was against it, but he trusted Billy’s judgment and it’s come back to haunt him.”

“No,” and she shook her head. “You’ll not get Adam out from under this by blaming Billy for his own death.”

“That’s not what I’m doing, Margaret. This was a sad, pitiful, tragic accident that maybe could’ve been avoided. And I know that if Adam had it to do over, knowing what he does know, that he’d never let Billy get on that horse. But, Margaret, hating Adam isn’t going to change that and it’ll only make us all miserable,” he lightly placed his hand on her shoulder, “even you.”

She knocked his hand away, and her eyes sparked. “How dare you, Ben Cartwright, presume to come here and tell me how I should feel! Your Adam got my Billy killed and that’ll never change! And neither will the way I feel about him!”

“Margaret, won’t you please just talk to him? Maybe if you did that you’d realize that maybe you don’t hate him after all.”

“All right, I’ll talk to him! And I’ll tell him how I miss my son! How I long to hear his voice and see his smile! And how when I go to bed at night I pray for the man who got him killed to pay!”

“He is paying, Margaret. I just don’t want his life to be the final payment.” His voice softened, and the corner of his mouth tightened. “And I don’t think Billy would either.” He mustered the most pleasant smile he could. “Good day, Margaret.” Then he turned and left, pulling the door together behind him.

He drew a ragged sigh and put his hat on as he left the porch. This had accomplished nothing except maybe make him realize even more how precious his son’s lives were. He grieved for Margaret and her loss, and he feared for his own. If he lost Adam because of this could he ever forgive her?

He went to Buck and un-tethered him, then eased into the saddle. Now he would go home and try to find another solution to this mess before it was too late.

FOUR

The late morning sun glared as Adam lowered himself into the chute and settled onto Widowmaker’s back. He’d kept his promise about not riding him the day before, but had made no promises for today. He wrapped the halter rope around his right hand and made sure he was snug in the saddle. This was it, and he was as ready as he’d ever be.

He looked up into the brier-scratched face of one of the men. “All right, Jesse, let ‘im loose.” It was impossible to miss the man’s reluctance but Adam winked and gave him a nod.

“Okay, boss.”

Adam took a slow, deep breath and hung on. Then the door to the chute swung open, and Widowmaker shot out and almost immediately straight up. Every man there, including Joe and Hoss, gathered around the fence.

This horse had more tricks than a magician, and they knew that he would use every one of them to rid himself of the pest in the saddle. But they also knew that Adam would never give an inch. It was a tossup as to which one was the more determined, and only time would tell if the horse’s antics or the man’s skill would prevail.

Widowmaker twisted and turned and bounced and bucked. He rubbed against the fence and against the chute. He chased his tail first to the right, then to the left. But nothing would rid him of the man on his back, and he was becoming more frantic and agitated by the second. More than once he tried to bite but Adam always checked him. The men yelled and urged Adam on.

Hoss took out his pocket watch and looked at it. “It’s been almost twenty minutes, Joe. I dunno what keeps ’em goin’.”

“Stubborn,” Joe said harshly. “Neither one’s gonna give in to the other.”

Suddenly, there was a collective groan from all the men, and Joe and Hoss looked quickly around. As they did Widowmaker’s left rear leg slid out, and he sat back hard on his rump. Adam started to slide back but grabbed a handful of the horse’s mane.

“Get off of him, Adam!” Joe shouted. “Get off of him!”

But Adam stuck like glue, and Widowmaker was soon on his feet again. But the spill had knocked Adam off guard, and the horse’s head shot around and bit into his leg. Fortunately, he was wearing chaps, and they protected him from a nasty nip, but Widowmaker had a good hold of the leather and tugged. Between fighting with the exasperating beast and trying to stay aboard he lost his seat and hit the ground with a thud. Men rushed into the corral as Widowmaker reared, intent on stomping this menace into the dirt. Adam rolled out of the way as slashing hooves came down. Two sets of hands grabbed him and drug him back as men swarmed over the furious animal in an effort to get him under control.

Adam shoved his brothers away from him and swatted off some of the dust.

“Well, have you had enough?” Joe asked snappishly.

“Not yet.” Adam’s eyes glittered, and his face was downright grim. “Hang onto him, boys, and let’s try this again!”

Adam slipped his foot into the stirrup and was mounted. It was all the men could do to hang on to the maddened animal. Adam wrapped the lead around his hand again. “Let ‘im go!” he shouted.

The men scattered, and the horse shot forward and veered at the last second before hitting the fence. Again he tried to bite but Adam wasn’t going to be caught unawares a second time.

Then what everybody dreaded happened and Widowmaker sunfished. But Adam leaned forward, shifting his weight against the animal’s neck. He pulled on the halter rope to keep the horse’s head from coming around. This time Widowmaker gave it up and came down on his front feet and started off again.

Joe wanted to look away but was mesmerized by his brother’s ability. He’d known for a long time that Adam had a mastery over horses that many didn’t. He’d seen only one other and that was Seth Gillespie, and even he’d been thrown and maimed for life. His blood chilled at the thought of the same happening to his brother. “Get off of him. Please, get off of him,” ran through his mind as his hands clenched on the fence rail.

Hoss enjoyed watching Adam ride but the spectacle going on before him now was anything but enjoyable. The horse was blowing froth, and his brother was as taut as a bow string. Hoss knew it was only a matter of time before one of them gave out, but judging by the tenacity of both it was anybody’s guess which. “Ride ‘im, big brother,” he thought.

Adam wanted to let go of this tiger’s tail but he knew he couldn’t. He’d stick it out until the horse gave in or one or both of them was probably broken. His legs tightened against the horse’s sides as it almost danced on the tips of its hooves. He was sore and stiff and tired, but he had to do this for Billy. “Give it up, you addlepated outlaw,” went through his brain.

Widowmaker was beginning to wear down but still had plenty of fight left in him. He made one more attempt to bite but Adam was a step ahead and kept him from it. Then the horse suddenly leapt up, his front hooves clearing the ground by almost three feet. Then they hit down, and his rear legs kicked out behind. As they did his hind quarters twisted to the right then snapped to the left. This unexpected motion wrenched Adam from the saddle, and he flew through the air to crash trough the fence. He hit the ground face down and lay motionless. The horse was quickly forgotten as he ran and bucked off his fury. The men gathered around their fallen boss but no one touched him.

Joe was quickly on his knees and hovering over his brother. “Adam,” he said urgently. “Adam, are you all right?”

But still Adam didn’t move, in fact, he didn’t even seem to be breathing. Gently, Joe put one hand against the back of his brother’s head and eased him onto his back. As he did, Joe gasped, and his breath caught in his throat. An uneven piece of the fence was sticking out of Adam’s chest.

“Oh, Lord,” came Hoss’ strained voice from behind him.

“Jesse, go get the doctor and bring him back to the house,” Joe said as he glanced up, unable to tear his attention from his brother for very long. He wanted to cry out and hold Adam in his arms but there wasn’t time for behaving like a child. They had to get him home. He brushed the dirt from Adam’s cheek and it was hot and sweaty.

Hoss’ large, comforting hand squeezed Joe’s shoulder. “I’ll go git the wagon.”

Joe took one of Adam’s hands and held it. “Help’s on the way, brother, so you just hang on. We’re gonna take you home.”

Adam was losing color and Joe knew he was bleeding inside. “Don’t you leave me, Adam. Don’t you dare.” Joe’s eyes burned, and his heart beat so hard that it actually hurt. What if Adam died before they got there? What if they lost him?

vvvvvvvv

Ben was just coming downstairs as the wagon rumbled into the front yard. He wasn’t alarmed – he had no reason to be. But then the front door swung open and Hoss came in. His son’s face was as white as he’d ever seen it, and he knew instantly that his worst vision had come true.

“Adam,” he breathed.

Hoss nodded. Ben rushed down and across to him and they hurried out together. As he came around to the back of the wagon his heart nearly stopped. Joe sat with Adam cradled in his lap and tears clouded his eyes. He could see the pain in the face of his youngest and it cut him to the quick. Then he saw the shard of wood, and he could feel it sticking in his own chest.

“He’s alive, Pa,” Joe said softly. “I sent Jesse for the doctor.”

Ben touched one of his unconscious son’s long legs and there was no reaction. It felt like someone plunged a knife into him and gave it a savage twist.

“Hoss, take Adam to his room,” Ben commanded gently.

Hoss tenderly collected his injured brother and held him lovingly against him, careful of the deadly splinter, then started inside. The rest of the Cartwright family followed after them, everything else unimportant for now. A struggle was ahead of them, and they all knew this was going to be a long night.

vvvvvvvv

Ben stood at the fireplace staring down onto the cold logs, but his mind was consumed by what was going on upstairs. With Hop Sing’s help, Paul Martin was cutting that awful piece of wood out of his boy’s chest and trying to repair the damage. But he’d been warned by the doctor that it maybe wouldn’t be enough. The thought that he could lose a cherished son because of something so stupid and useless numbed him. His fingernails scraped over the stone as his hand closed into a fist. He squeezed his eyes shut, and his tears dropped to splatter on the hearth. “Adam,” he said below a whisper.

Then a light pressure on his back and a soft voice made him look around into Joe’s sorrowful green eyes, and then he followed his son’s gaze to the stairs. Paul was coming down with his sleeves still rolled past his elbows, the strain of the surgery telling in the lines of his careworn face. He was greeted at the bottom step by three anxious men.

“My son, Paul, how is he?”

Paul rested a sympathetic hand on his old friend’s arm. “I’m not going to pull any punches on you, Ben, it isn’t good. If that piece of wood had gone in another inch to the left it would’ve punctured his heart, and you’d be talking to the undertaker now instead of me.”

Ben felt his insides go to liquid. “Is he going to die?” he was barely able to choke out.

“I don’t know, Ben. Fortunately, it missed his lungs but it was deep and caused a lot of bleeding. I stopped it and fixed him up inside, but I’m only a country doctor, and the rest of it is out of my hands.”

“What can we do?” Hoss asked.

“Keep him warm, watch for any signs of infection and above all make sure he stays quiet and still. I don’t want him pulling my handiwork loose.” Paul made a weak attempt at a smile. “I have a few rounds to make and then I’ll come back before I return to town.” His fingers tightened on Ben’s arm. “Now why don’t you go sit with your son? He won’t know you’re there but I think it’ll do his father some good.”

“Thank you, Paul.”

They watched as Ben drug himself up the steps and disappeared down the hall, and no one said anything until the bedroom door opened and closed.

“Paul?” Joe asked softly.

Paul’s blue-grey eyes flicked from one concerned face to the other. “I honestly don’t know.” Then he turned and went back upstairs.

FIVE

Paul Martin’s buggy pulled up in front of the Gillespie house and he just stared at it. Maybe he was meddling where he shouldn’t but he was angry, and he thought Margaret Gillespie should know what she was responsible for. Thanks to a talk he’d had with Joe and Hoss before he left he knew how she’d behaved toward Adam for something that wasn’t his fault. Yes, she was grieving and rightfully so, and that he didn’t hold against her, but because of her so was Ben. And he relished the idea of letting her know about it. If it weren’t for his high regard for Seth, subtly would probably fly right out the window.

“Hold onto yourself, Paul,” he said as he worked his square frame out of the buggy and went to the door and knocked.

Seth was genuinely glad to see him. “Well, as I live and breathe, Paul, I haven’t seen you in a coon’s age. Come in, come in.”

Paul thanked him graciously and went inside. Margaret was sitting in a rocking chair by the window knitting, and he was even courteous to her, though he didn’t feel it.

“So what brings you out this way? Is Aggie Summers gonna have her baby?”

“That won’t be for another month or so. No, I was called out to the Ponderosa and since I know how much you think of Ben and his sons I knew you’d want to know.”

“Know what, Paul?” Seth’s eyebrows dropped into a somber frown and a cold stab hit him. Deep down he didn’t need to ask but he did just the same. “What happened?”

“Did you know that Adam was trying to break that horse that killed Billy?”

Margaret focused on what she was doing and wouldn’t look from it.

“Yeah,” Seth said with a nod as his eyes darted to his wife. “He was thrown, wasn’t he?”

“Yes, he was thrown.”

Seth’s face tensed, and he rubbed his bad leg. His other hand clenched, and he braced himself for the answer to his next question. “How bad is it?”

“Very bad, I’m afraid. He crashed through a fence, and a piece of it was driven into his chest and only just missed his heart.” Paul hesitated. “He could die.”

Margaret suddenly went deathly still. Her fingers tightened on the needles until her knuckles blanched. A feeling she hadn’t expected washed over her and her heart constricted. Her breathing staggered as a lump came into her throat, and she couldn’t will her herself to look at Dr. Martin and Seth.

“But, you know that hardheaded Cartwright stamina, especially in that one,” Paul went on. He glanced toward Margaret, and he suppressed the tiny flame that burned inside. “Well, I better be on my way. I have some other patients to see, then I’m going back to check on Adam.”

“Thank you for comin’ by to tell us, Paul,” Seth said as he and the doctor exchanged handshakes. “Ben was there for us when we lost Todd and then with Billy. I think I ought to go see him. I owe him that much.”

“He needs all the support we can give him. He’ll appreciate it, Seth. Well, I need to get going.” He turned to Margaret briefly. He wanted to say something cutting but held back, it wouldn’t help anything. Then he turned and left.

The silence between Seth and Margaret was thick enough to slice. She still hadn’t moved since the doctor had dropped his bombshell. Then, without a word, she laid aside her knitting and stood. “Are you really going to see Ben?” she asked with a tremor to her voice.

“Of course, I am. He’s a good friend. When I was hurt and when Todd was killed he stood by us. Or have you forgot that? Well, now I think it’s time I give some of that back even it you don’t.”

With no explanation she went to the peg where her shawl hung and took it down. “I’m coming with you.”

“Why? So you can tell Ben Cartwright to his face that his son got what he deserved? Do you wantta see him suffer the way you are? And what about Hoss and Little Joe? Do you wantta see the hurt they’re feelin’ too? No, Margaret,” he said and jerked his hat from its own peg. “No, I won’t let you do that. Whether you wantta admit it to yourself or not, our son died doin’ what he wanted to do. He thought the world of Adam, and I think he’d be real ashamed of his mother.”

“Please, Seth,” she said as she gripped his arm. “I have to go over there. I have to see him before…” But her words faded.

Seth looked at her straight and saw in her heart-shaped face the same pain as when they’d lost Todd. With Billy it had been more rage, but this was a mother’s grief. He smiled and tenderly wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “All right.” Then he took her arm and opened the door and they went out.

vvvvvvvv

Ben sat in the chair next to the bed just watching the miracle of his son’s breathing. Adam was so ashen and still and lucky to be alive. An inch, just a simple unit of measure, was all that had kept him from being killed outright. Ben reached out and squeezed the long, cool fingers but got no response.

Had it been so long ago that this dark son of his would climb into his lap and say, “Pa, tell me a story.”? He’d always been fascinated with the ones about sailing ships. And then dear, sweet Inger had come along and filled his eager mind with ones of Sweden. Pictures of his beloved Marie teaching her stepson French and telling him Creole legends still made Ben smile. And he could recall hearing Hop Sing reciting tales of Hong Kong to a captivated audience of one. “Would you like to hear a story, son?” he said quietly as he lowered his head and closed his eyes against the burning behind them.

Silently, the door opened and Hop Sing slipped in and padded over to the chair. “Mista Cartlight,” he said softly, “Gillespies downstairs come to see you. I stay with Mista Adam.”

“All right, Hop Sing,” Ben said as he vacated the chair. “He should continue to sleep, but if…”

“I been taking care of him since him boy,” Hop Sing said with a warm smile. “Now no diffelent.”

Ben grinned and nodded then left the room and pulled the door together behind him. His hands wadded as he fought to control the anger that welled inside him. He was glad Seth had come, but Margaret was responsible for this, and he didn’t want her in his house. Maybe he was just being vindictive and petty. Well, if he was, then so be it. She’d had the chance to stop this before it had gone too far and refused. Now it had done just that, and he wasn’t in a forgiving mood.

He gave his vest a tug then started down the stairs. The Gillespies were standing by the door with Hoss. Joe was on the settee, and Ben could tell by the sharpness of his eyes that a confrontation could be in the offing. He crossed to Seth, and his hand went instantly out. “Seth, I’m glad you came.” With a quick glance at Margaret her name came on a cool note. “I’m going to hazard a guess and say Paul told you what happened.”

“He did,” Seth said as he took Ben’s hand and pumped it compassionately. “And he told us how bad it is. I’m sorry, Ben.”

“And did he tell you why it happened, Mrs. Gillespie?” came in the form of Joe’s accusing voice.

Ben shot his son a black look as the young man came to stand next to him. “Joseph, that’ll be enough.”

“No, Pa, she needs to know why Adam almost killed himself trying to ride a horse that…”

“Joseph, I said that’s enough.”

“Joe’s right, Pa, she oughtta hear…”

“That’s enough out of both of you. Now if you can’t be civil to our guest then I suggest you both go outside.”

“Civil,” Joe growled as green fire blazed in his eyes, “I’ll show her civil.” Then he stormed out and slammed the front door.

Hoss gave her the same kind of resentful look then went out after his little brother, only a bit more quietly.

“I’m sorry about that, Seth, but my sons are understandably upset. They were there when their brother was hurt.”

“That’s all right, Ben. I’ve seen a lot of good men hurt and killed that way and it never goes down easy. And when it’s kin…”

“I want to see him,” Margaret said softly. “I need to see him.”

Ben’s stark expression turned on her. He’d wanted to stay polite but this request snapped the tenuous hold he had on his emotions. “Why, Margaret? Don’t you think he’s suffered enough? He half killed himself trying to ride that damnable horse and for what? So that he could prove to you that he could die just like Billy?”

“Please, Ben, let me see him.”

Ben wasn’t sure he wanted her anywhere near Adam. She’d condemned him and cursed him and struck him. “No, Margaret, you had your chance before it got this far. You told me the other day that you prayed every night for him to pay. Well, he’s paying all right. He’s paying dearly with blood and maybe his life. You couldn’t find any forgiveness for him then and I can’t find any for you now.”

“Ben,” she said, and her voice wobbled, “I need to see him.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed, and he turned to Seth, who simply nodded. “All right, Margaret, but for only a few minutes. Tell Hop Sing I said it’s all right. But don’t disturb him,” he said brusquely.

She promised then went upstairs. As she came to the bedroom door she stopped. Going in there would be one of the hardest things she’d ever made herself do. It wouldn’t make amends for what she’d done but her heart spoke to her head and told her she had to. She drifted inside and went right to Hop Sing. “Mr. Cartwright said it was all right if I sat with him for a few minutes.” She couldn’t miss the nasty look the little man gave her, and she didn’t fault him for it.

“All light, but you not stay long. I wait out in hall.”

After he’d left she turned around, and her breath hitched. She stepped to the side of the bed and it was as if the whole world had caved in on her once more.

His chest was swathed in a bandage that wasn’t much whiter than he was. Tentatively, she peeked beneath it and saw the jagged tear and the stitches that held it closed.

As she straightened a trembling hand went to her mouth. “What have I done?”

Carefully, she sat on the edge of the bed next to him. He didn’t move and showed no sign that he even knew she was there. As she looked at him she saw not a man but a boy of fifteen, tall and gangly and with a zest for life that made her heart soar. And now that could all end. She’d gotten her wish – she’d lived long enough to see him torn and mangled. She’d broken him in mind, body and spirit. With the touch of a feather she raised one of his fine hands, and he was still unaware of her.

“Your father tried to talk to me but I wouldn’t listen, and now it’s come to this. This is my fault.” She pulled the tips of her fingers down the side of his face and felt the lines at the corner of his eye from so many years of squinting at the sun. “Please, forgive me. I was so hurt over my Billy, and I had to blame somebody. But I blamed the wrong one.” She pressed his hand between both of hers. “Nothing can ever change what I’ve done to you. Seth was right; Billy would be ashamed of me.” She leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead then lightly placed his hand back at his side and stood. For a long minute she just looked at him and felt the full weight of the grief of losing Billy and Todd and now maybe this young man that had become so much like her own.

As she left the room Hop Sing brushed in past her, muttering behind her in unintelligible Chinese. She went back down to the parlor and found her husband and Ben waiting by the fireplace. She went to them and couldn’t miss the coffee eyes, dark and intolerant.

“He looks like a hurt little boy.”

“That’s right, Margaret,” Ben said curtly, “my boy.”

“I am so sorry. I don’t know why I said those terrible things to him. I…” She looked at the hand she’d struck Adam across the face with. “Oh, Ben, I am so, so sorry.”

“I’m afraid your apology is too little, too late. I’m not the one you need to tell, and he can’t hear you.”

“Oh, Ben, he’s so hurt.” She could hold back the weeping no longer. Her shoulders shook as she put her hands to her face.

Ben glared at her – he still wasn’t ready to forgive. She’d brought these tears and the guilt on herself, and he couldn’t help but be glad that she was miserable. If she’d listened to him when he’d gone to her this all could have been avoided. But she’d chosen not to and now it was all coming back on her. Unfortunately, his son had been caught in it as well and could die as the result.

“I think maybe you’d best take her home, Seth,” Ben said evenly. “And if you want to come back, you’re certainly welcome.”

Margaret dropped her hands and looked at him, her crying abating slightly. “I don’t blame you for hating me, Ben,” she said weakly, “and not wanting me here.”

“I don’t hate you, Margaret, but too much has happened to just put aside. In the end, I might eventually forgive.”

“And if he dies?” she asked.

Ben’s face set hard, and his eyes sparkled unpromisingly. “No.”

SIX

Ben sat on the side of the bed and patted the beads of perspiration from his son’s face. Adam hadn’t moved since the surgery and twice through it had cried out, bringing pain to a father’s soul. Whenever a son suffered, he suffered.

He rewet the cloth and wrung it out. When he turned back he found himself looking into deep hazel wells that made his heart skip a beat. “How do you feel, son?”

Adam gave a long, languorous blink but said nothing. Ben got the distinct impression that his son was looking through him and not at him. He said his boy’s name but still Adam seemed oblivious to his presence. Slowly, the heavy lids lowered, and he was gone again.

This development unsettled Ben, and he hoped it was something that would clear up with time. But the look in Adam’s eyes was vacant and dead. And when his father had spoken to him it seemed as if he hadn’t been heard.

He placed his hand against his son’s forehead and felt that the fever was climbing. As bad as it already was Ben knew that things were only going to get worse. “Stay with me, son. You’ve never been one to give up on anything so don’t start now.” As he had when Adam had been a boy, Ben washed his face and neck. “If he comes your way Elizabeth, push him back. Please, push him back.”

What was left of the day crawled into night and – as the family had guessed – it turned into a long one. It was broken up into three-hour shifts beginning with Ben and followed by Joe, Hoss and Hop Sing, in that order. They fought to bring down the rising fever and never left him alone. They talked to him and soothed him with cool cloths, but nothing they did seemed to make any difference.

After a meager breakfast that Hop Sing had hastily prepared right before taking his watch, Ben went to his son’s room. The little cook sat in the chair as still and solemn as a Buddha. His obsidian eyes were locked on the first-born.

“How is he this morning?” Ben whispered.

“Him not change or move all time Hop Sing here. Mista Hoss say same thing when I come.”

Ben couldn’t help but see the gravity in Hop Sing’s face. He moved closer to the bed and saw that Adam appeared to be even paler, and his breathing even more shallow. To his horror, Ben recognized what was happening – his son was slipping away from him, and he feared he knew why.

“Hop Sing, would you go wake Joe and tell to ride into town for the doctor? And tell him to hurry.”

Ben took Hop Sing’s place in the chair as the little cook left the room. His right hand clenched as the thought that it could already be too late crossed his mind. He fought back the dread building inside him as he watched his eldest.

It wasn’t but a few minutes when Hop Sing bustled back into the room. “Mista Joe say he go lickety split. Be back chop-chop.”

“Good, now I don’t want you leaving here until I get back.”

“Get back? Where you go?”

“To get Margaret Gillespie.”

Hop Sing’s face scrunched into a sour frown. “What good she do? She leason…”

“I don’t have time to explain, Hop Sing. Just stay close and tell Hoss to do the same when he gets up.”

Hop Sing agreed, and Ben started out but stopped in the doorway and looked back at the still figure in the bed. “Wait for us, son,” he said softly and hurried out into the hall. He didn’t want to leave his son, but to try to save his life he knew he had to.

vvvvvvvv

It didn’t take as long to get to the Gillespie place as it usually did. Ben rode hard and fast and Buck was strong and stout and equal to it. He reined up in front of the house and was out of the saddle almost before the horse stopped. Ground tying the big buckskin he rushed onto the porch and began franticly knocking at the door.

The look on Seth Gillespie’s face conveyed his surprise at seeing his friend so early in the morning. But the surprise quickly gave way to foreboding. “Ben, what’s wrong?”

“I need to see Margaret,” Ben said as he dashed inside before being invited.

Margaret was at the stove fixing breakfast and she spun around as he burst in. “Ben.” Her hand went immediately to her mouth as a tiny moan escaped her, and she dropped the fork. The deep, vivid blue disappeared from her eyes and tears flooded their bottom rims. “He’s dead.”

“Not yet, but he’s dying, and he’s letting it happen.”

“Letting it?” she said with disbelief. “Why on earth would he do that?” Then she gasped as her fingers tightened against her face. “Because I…”

Ben nodded and moved closer to her. “You have to come back with me. He needs your forgiveness, Margaret.”

“But he didn’t do anything. Seth and I had a long talk when we got home yesterday and I see that now.”

“In his mind he did, and it’s killing him. This is his way of paying for what happened. A life for a life – him for Billy.” Ben lightly took her arm. “This could be the only way to bring him back, if it isn’t already too late. You have to come back with me.”

A sad smile turned her colorless lips. “Of course, I will.”

Seth put his coffee cup down on the table and went to get his hat. “I’ll hitch up the buckboard.”

“I’ll help you, Seth,” Ben said with a quick glance back then turned to her again. “Thank you, Margaret.” Then he went out with Seth.

Margaret wrapped her arms around herself and began to tremble. Why had she been so hateful to Adam? Yes, she was upset and hurt over her son, what mother wouldn’t be? But she’d let her grief blind her to reasoning and common sense. She’d pushed away the love she had for this young man and that which he had for her. Now he could die because of it, and if she could save him she had to try. “Not yet. Please, not yet,” she said as she cast her eyes to the ceiling. Then she took the skillet from the stove and rushed to get her shawl.

The ride back to the Cartwright house took a bit longer than Ben’s did to get Margaret. The buckboard slowed them even though Seth drove the team like a madman. Once, Margaret was almost jostled from the seat when they hit a rut, but her husband’s quick arm kept her safe next to him.

They beat Joe and the doctor getting there and went straight to Adam’s room. Hoss was now with Hop Sing as they came in.

“How is he?” Ben asked his middle son.

“He’s just about gone, Pa. It don’t look like the doc’s gonna git here in time.”

Margaret pushed her way past them and went right to the bed and sat down next to Adam. He was white as a ghost and hardly seemed to be alive. Her heart raced as she tenderly touched his pallid face. “Adam…. Adam, can you hear me, dear.”

He didn’t move except to breathe, and that was hardly noticeable. Life was sliding away from him as his family watched and was helpless to stop it.

She took one of his hands as she delicately stroked his hair. “Adam, it’s Margaret Gillespie. Won’t you open those beautiful eyes and look at me?” She felt like she could feel him drifting away from her and her clasp tightened as if she could hold him that way. “Please, honey, won’t you wake up? I don’t blame you for Billy’s death. I’m not sure that I ever did. But I was so angry and I lashed out at the wrong one. Your father tried to tell me that but I wouldn’t listen…. Adam… I forgive you. Can you hear me? I said I forgive you.” Her voice became shakier as the tears forced their way out. “Now I need for you to forgive me…. I said some dreadful things to you, and I’m sorry I hit you.” She lightly brushed the wan cheek. “Please, say you forgive me.” She dropped her head and wept openly.

Drops of sadness fell onto the back of Adam’s hand and ran along his arm. The black lashes flickered for a second then his eyes opened and went sluggishly to her face.

Ben stood with his head bowed and his hand over his face, unable to watch his son die any longer. Then he heard Hoss’ soft voice say “Pa” and felt his firm grasp on his shoulder. He looked around and saw a glimmer in the blue eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago. He followed their line of sight and saw Adam looking at Margaret.

“I… forgive,” Adam rasped.

Margaret’s head shot up and her heart bounded as she squeezed his hand. Her chin quivered, and she bit her lower lip. “Yes, dear, we both forgive.” She gave Ben a quick look as a radiant smile lit her face. “You stay with us. We love you and we don’t want you to leave.”

“Go see… Billy now,” he said as his eyelids drug lazily over his tired eyes.

Margaret gulped as panic shot through her. “Billy’ll be waiting for you when it’s time. But he doesn’t want you to come now. He knows there’s still a lot you have to do here.” She was fighting hard to keep a hold on herself. “I… I love you, Adam. You’re the only boy I have left, and I can’t lose you too.” Her heart wrenching sobs filled the room as she leaned forward against his shoulder.

Tears ran down Ben’s Cartwright’s face, and he saw that it was the same with Hoss. Then he looked at Seth and realized that there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. As he turned his attention back to Adam he inhaled jaggedly.

Slowly and lethargically, Adam raised his other arm and rested his hand on the back of Margaret’s head. “It’s… all right…. I… stay.”

SEVEN

“You’re out of your mind, you know that don’t you?” Joe stormed as he swung the saddle onto Sport’s back. “It’s only been two weeks since you were at death’s door!”

“Three, Joe, it’s been three,” Adam said calmly. “If you’re gonna say it at least get it right.”

“All right, three then! But what difference does that make? Look at you, you still can’t even saddle your own horse!” With a flustered jerk he turned to Hoss. “Hoss, would you talk some sense to this Yankee granite head? He shouldn’t even be out of the house, let alone trying to ride! Maybe you can get through to him! It’s for sure I can’t!” Joe slammed the left fender over the saddle’s seat.

Ben stood outside the barn listening to his sons and it was music to his ears. If Joe was so dead set against this then why was he saddling his brother’s horse for him? It made Ben grin. His eldest had been so sick with a fever that burned for five days that he’d wondered if he would ever enjoy this again.

“I’d just be wastin’ my time, Joe. If’n he wants to do this there ain’t nothin’ nobody can do to change his mind. But that don’t mean we cain’t go with him.”

“I don’t need anybody coming with me,” Adam said as he hid a wince and rubbed at the twinge in his chest.

“Now there, that’s what I mean,” Joe said triumphantly. “You had a pain, didn’t you?”

“I’m all right, Joe. Now will you just finish with my horse so I can get going?”

“And what if I decide not to?” Joe asked as he took a step back from Sport and crossed his arms.

“Then I guess I’ll just have to do it myself,” Adam said as he pushed his little brother aside and moved to his horse. But as he did an even sharper pain ran through his ribcage. It was too severe to hide, and he gasped as he leaned forward against the saddle.

“Adam, you all right?” Hoss asked as he placed a hand against his brother’s back. “You don’t look so good.”

Ben was instantly at his son’s side. He could see how colorless Adam was, making his dark eyes look even more so. “Hoss is right. I think it would be a good idea if you went back into the house with me. This can wait until another time when you’re more up to it.”

“No, Pa,” Adam said as his fingers tightened around the horn and on the cantle. “This is something I have to do, and I won’t get any rest until it’s done. It’s long past due as it is.”

Ben knew when he was defeated and with Adam that was usually the case. He had yet to master his first-born’s stubbornness, and he knew he never would. Adam was – in many ways – much like the horse that had very nearly killed him, strong-willed and independent and obdurate. “All right, son, we’ll all go.” Adam’s eyes flashed around at his father and Ben couldn’t miss the insolent light burning in them. “It’s that or I’ll have Hoss carry you back inside and sit on you.”

“I can do it too,” Hoss boasted.

Adam’s gaze bore down on his father. Ben knew that would only put off the inevitable until his son could quietly slip out of the house and away from them.

“Pa, this is something I have to do alone. Can you understand that?”

Ben let his eyes float over the strong, austere features with the mouth set in a straight, determined line and knew arguing would be wasted effort. “All right, son,” he said as he rested a hand on Adam’s wrist.

“But, Pa,” Joe started.

“Joe, sometimes a man has to do something that others may not understand, and this is one of those things for your brother. Now go ahead and finish with Sport.”

It was obvious that Joe didn’t care for the idea as he gave the cinch a jerk. When he’d finished Adam took the reins and led the big chestnut outside as his family followed. Without any further exchange of words they watched as Adam eased into the saddle and rode out at an unhurried walk.

When he was sure Adam was out of earshot Ben turned to his other two sons. “All right, let’s get saddled up.”

“You mean we’re goin’ after him?” Joe asked with his face alight.

“Not standing here,” Ben said with a mild smirk.

With an exuberant squeal Joe darted back into the barn with Hoss right behind him. Ben stood for a few seconds staring in the direction his son had ridden and hoped he wasn’t making a mistake by letting Adam do this. But he knew his eldest would never be able to rest until it was done and that would only slow his recovery. With a grin he shook his head and went on into the barn.

It took Adam longer than it ever had to get to the breaking corral – he didn’t want to push himself. Even the slow, steady pace he maintained caused him discomfort. He almost wished he’d stayed at home like Pa and his brothers had wanted him to, but he needed to do this and be finished with it. It prayed on his mind day and night and got worse with each passing minute.

All eyes were on him as he rode in and reined up by the enclosure where the stock was kept. He knew every Ponderosa hand had heard how close he’d come to leaving this world and would handle Ben Cartwright’s oldest son with kid gloves. With a faint grunt he brought his leg over the horse’s back and lightly stepped down. He puffed as he tried regaining his strength. His injury and illness and brush with death had left him so drained that he wondered if he would ever be the same again.

Jesse was the only one to approach him as he ground tied Sport.

“Mornin’, boss.”

“Morning, Jesse.”

“How are you feelin’?” Jesse asked. “You ain’t lookin’ so good.”

“I’ve been better,” Adam said with a half-grin that quickly dissolved. “Jesse, I want you to put a rope halter on Widowmaker and bring ‘im to me.” Adam could see the man’s doubt so he rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I know what I’m doing, Jesse, so go ahead.”

“All right, boss, you’re the boss.” Then he shrugged, turned on his heel and walked away.

Did he really know what he was doing? Sometimes, like now, he wondered. He felt another pang and put his hand flat against it. A deep breath only exacerbated, and he fought to keep it hidden from those around him.

Widowmaker was a compact, well-muscled, beautiful animal who didn’t seem to mind people so much as long as they weren’t trying to ride him. His shiny, black coat glistened in the morning sun, and his haughty head rose as he sniffed the scent of his nemesis. But he did like to bite a little too much for Adam’s taste, or any wrangler’s, for that matter.

“Here ya go, boss,” Jesse said as he handed the lead over to Adam.

Adam thanked him then gave Widowmaker a pat on the jowl and led him over to Sport. Clutching the rope in his left hand he gingerly got mounted. As he settled himself he caught sight of black and white patches in the trees twenty-five or thirty feet back along the road. Cochise’s striking markings stood out like silk bloomers on a bull and didn’t blend well with the landscape. He suppressed a grin. He’d suspected that his family would tag along after him and stay close by, but far enough away to let him think he was on his own. He nudged Sport into a walk and Widowmaker dutifully followed.

The ride to the Gillespie place was long, tedious and hot, and he was glad when they finally stopped in front of the small, weathered house. He dallied the lead a few times around the horn then got down. His boots thumped on the porch floor as he went to the door and knocked. Almost immediately it opened back as Margaret answered, and her face brightened at the sight of him.

“Adam,” she said as apprehension quickly set in. “Should you be out this soon? You’re just the color of milk.”

“I’m all right.”

“Seth isn’t here right now. He went into town with Regis Coburn to talk to Sheriff Coffee about something, but he didn’t tell me what.”

Disappointment made Adam scowl but it didn’t last. “I wish he’d been here. But he’s not the one I came to see.” He stepped aside so that Margaret could see the horse.

She shot Adam a quick glance as she saw him and went to the edge of the porch. “This is the one that…” but her words floated into the air.

“He’s the one,” Adam said with a nod. “I wanted you to see him.”

Her fingers knotted in her apron and tears filmed her eyes. “He’s beautiful…. I don’t hate him like I thought I would. I think the time for that is past.” But then she looked quickly to the rifle in its scabbard on Sport’s saddle then to Adam. “What are you going to do with him?”

“There’s a kind of wildness in him that can never be broken, a freedom of spirit than can never be tamed. We shouldn’t even have tried. He wasn’t intended to be ours. And if I’d figured that out a long time ago Billy’d still be alive.”

She smiled warmly and placed a hand against his cheek. “We’ve had enough with blame to last too many lifetimes. You were only doing a job just like my Billy was.” She shook her head. “But if anyone can shoulder any blame in this it’s me.” He started to speak, and she moved her hand softly over his lips. “No, I need to say this. Because of me you could’ve been killed, and I never wanted that. What I said to you I realize I didn’t mean. Grief can make us say some cruel things and sometimes terrible things happen because of it. If you’d died I couldn’t have lived with myself.”

“Well, as you can see, I didn’t,” he said with a roguish grin.

“But I was there when you came so close, and it was because you thought it was what I wanted. You were willing to let yourself die to atone for what wasn’t even your fault.” She leaned her head against his chest, and he winced but said nothing. His arms wrapped around her and held her close to him. “You’re my boy, but then I think you always have been.”

“I don’t think Pa’ll mind sharing me too much as long as it’s with you.”

She sniffled and dabbed at her eyes as she released him and stepped back. “Now you’d better go do what you set out to.”

He held her face and kissed her on the forehead then walked away. She watched as he got into the saddle and took the halter lead in his hand. They exchanged smiles then he nudged Sport into a walk and headed off with Widowmaker.

They had been going for nearly thirty minutes when they came to a spot that stretched straight ahead as far as the eye could see. It was rimmed to the left by rocky hills and to the right by a dense stand of huge pines. The ground was flat in the middle and sloped up on either side. This was as good a place as any. Adam reined in and got down, keeping the lead tight in his fist.

He went to Widowmaker’s head and rubbed and patted his glossy neck. “Well, I guess this is it. You’re finally gonna get what you’ve wanted for a long time.” He started slipping the halter from the horse’s head. “I should’ve known better than to try to tame an outlaw like you. You just weren’t meant for civilization.” The minute the halter was off he gave the horse a smack on the rump. “Now go on!”

Widowmaker took off and his long black mane and tail danced in the breeze. Adam watched as he went several feet then stopped and turned to face this man that was as dark and free as he was. Neither bent to another’s will and fought against constraints imposed upon them. Stubbornness dwelled deep inside both and consequences sometimes came as the result. Their eyes met and Adam could almost sense what the animal was thinking.

“I said go on! You’re free to go! You belong out there!” Widowmaker just continued to watch him and a grin turned the corner of Adam’s mouth. “You’re home now,” he said half to himself. “Git!”

With the suddenness of a lightening strike the horse darted away, tossing his head and kicking up his heels. At last freedom was his. Adam’s eyes stayed with him until he disappeared around a bend that took him past the trees. He laughed and shook his head as he went back to his own horse. He was going to miss that widowmaker, though for the life of him he didn’t know why.

Delicately, he eased into the saddle and draped the halter around the horn. It had been a long morning, and he was thoroughly exhausted. With a light tug of the reins Sport turned and they started back the way they’d come.

As the big chestnut ambled past an innocuous stand of pines Adam spoke without looking around. “Let’s go home.”

Buck, Chubb and Cochise materialized and fell into single file behind him; Ben then Hoss and last Joe. They rode on without any words spoken. In a little while they would be back to the house. Widowmaker wasn’t the only one who was home.

THE END

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