A Time
for Brothers
By
Janice Sagraves
This is for Donna, who made me realize that I wasn’t giving much thought to Hoss’ feelings. So here it is, and I hope you enjoy it.
Some of the characters and parts of this are not mine and no infringement is intended, it is simply for the enjoyment of Bonanza fans.
ONE
Four months, it had been four months since that night following that one terrible day. How could he ever forget sitting on his bed, still in his funerary clothes, weeping into the unsympathetic darkness? His life – as well as his father’s and brother’s – had been shattered, and he still carried with him a sense of dread that interfered with his sleep. Through the day he was able to keep his fear hidden from those around him, but once he shut his bedroom door he didn’t have to hide anything. The drive had been a trifle more difficult with everyone around, and he had to lay in his bedroll and pretend. He went to the window and sat in the big wing chair and looked out into the wee hours of the night. Midnight or one he guessed it to be, but it didn’t really concern him at this point. He closed his eyes and leaned back in hope that slumber would come, though he knew better. Two, maybe three hours was all he could ever get, and that only when exhaustion became so overpowering that he couldn’t resist it. So, he settled himself and tried remembering a time before June fourteenth.
*******
Adam Cartwright was a man with a purpose as anyone familiar with that long legged, determined stride could attest. His arms swung at his sides, and his dark hazel eyes were focused on the barn where he knew his father was. Buck had pulled up lame that morning while Pa was inspecting fence line out in Golden Meadow, and he’d been with the animal all day. Adam certainly understood his devotion to the big buckskin – his mount of so many years – for he felt the same way about Sport.
“How’s he doing?” Adam asked as he entered through the large doorway.
“Pretty good,” came from a larger stall near the back. Ben Cartwright rose into sight and glanced around at his son. “The right front fetlock is still swelled but some of it seems to have gone down a little.” He gave the horse a healthy pat on the neck.
“Have you been applying cold compresses?” Adam asked as he leaned his arms on the stall door.
“And I think it’s helping,” Ben said with a nod. Then he turned around with half a scowl. “Weren’t you supposed to go into town with Hoss to pick up that supply of fence wire we ordered?”
“I asked Joe to do it, and after I explained why he didn’t mind.”
“All right, now explain it to me,” Ben said as his coffee eyes lit on his son.
Adam’s thick brows dropped, and his mouth drew in. “Pa, I’m worried about Hoss. Did you know he isn’t sleeping?”
Ben’s scowl deepened. “For about five weeks now. I’d guess it’s probably been going on since June, but you know how he is when he wants to keep something from you.”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
“I’ve tried, but, again, you know how he is. I haven’t told Joe, but I think he already knows. Hop Sing’s even brought it up.”
“He isn’t as clever as he thinks he is,” Adam said with a skewed grin. “Pa, if it’s all right with you, I’d like for just the two of us to get away for a few days.”
“Where would you go?”
“I thought we’d just ride out and see where whim takes us. Maybe we won’t leave the Ponderosa, maybe we’ll wind up in Virginia City or Carson. Wherever we go, though, doesn’t really matter as long as we talk about what’s bothering him, and I think I’m the best one for it. It’s not that I don’t think you don’t know how to talk to your own son, but we both have a good idea what this is about. And since it happened to me, I’m closer to it than anybody. I can talk to him about it and tell him things that nobody else can, and I think right now he needs to hear them.”
“And what about you? Do you need to talk about them?”
Adam’s frown tightened, and he took a deep breath. “I don’t know, but I’m sure gonna find out.”
“Then take all the time you need, but hurry whenever you can,” Ben said with a grin that faded with concern. “But what if he doesn’t want to go?”
“Oh, he’ll go all right. I have my ways,” and Adam’s expression brightened with a sneaky smirk.
*******
Hoss was sitting in his chair taking off his boots when a knock came at the door, then it opened, and his brother’s dark head popped in. “Getting ready for bed, I see. Well, do you mind if I come in for a few minutes? I need to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, Adam, come ahead on,” Hoss said as he pulled off his other boot and clomped it down on the floor next to its mate.
Adam parked himself on the side of the bed as Hoss pulled his shirttail loose from his britches. “Do you have any real big, important plans for tomorrow and the next few days?”
“Nothin’ more ‘n I usually do,” he said with a shrug. “Why?”
“Because you and me are going for a ride. I’ve already asked Pa about it, and he says he can manage without us for a little bit.”
“A ride? Where to?”
“Doesn’t matter, just wherever we happen to wind up. The important thing is that we spend some time together, just the two of us. We haven’t done that in a while, and I think it’ll be good for both of us.”
“But why now?” Hoss asked as he leaned his elbows on his knees. “It’s turnin’ cold as whiz out there.”
“Because you’re my brother, and we need to talk about some things.”
“Well, cain’t we do it here where it’s a might warmer?”
“We could, but this way we’ll be off to ourselves and we need that. Now you’d better turn in,” Adam said as he came to his feet. “I don’t want you goin’ to sleep and fallin’ out of your saddle. You’re too heavy to try getting back on that big horse.”
“An’ what if’n I don’t wantta go?”
“It doesn’t matter whether you want to or not, I’m the older brother here, and what I say is how it’s gonna be. So don’t argue with me, you haven’t won one yet.” He gave Hoss a knowing wink then went out and closed the door behind him.
“Well, I’ll be dadburned, he don’t even give a man time to think.”
*******
A cold October wind whistled in the boughs of the huge pines as the two oldest Cartwright sons rode out of the yard the next morning. They hunched down in their coats with the collars pulled up around their ears and their gloved hands clenched on the reins. The sun was deceptively bright, and the nip to the air hampered its ability to warm and made its effort pretty much futile. The breath of two men and two horses formed vapor clouds that quickly dissipated as they breathed and left no doubt about how cold it was.
Hoss glanced over at his brother and the look in his eyes was less than charitable. “You know, it ain’t too late to turn around an’ head back. I know that fire’s still goin’ in the grate.”
“Nope,” Adam said as he pulled his hat down in front. “I said we were going for a ride, and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.”
“Well, would mind tellin’ me where we’re headed so’s I’ll know when to expect to git warm again?”
“Out there,” Adam said with a gesture ahead, “but it’ll be a while before we make camp and build a fire.”
Hoss’ face scoonched with distaste and his nose wrinkled. “You mean we ain’t goin’ into town?”
“Maybe later, but right now there’s a lot of Ponderosa to cover, and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen some of it.”
“All right, then, where do you wantta start?”
“Well, if we stay on this trail we should make Strawberry Meadow by nightfall. With plenty of fresh water it’ll make a good place to bed down.”
“It won’t take that long to git there.”
“Not if we ride like we’re being chased, but we’re gonna take our time.” Adam hunkered down further in an effort avoid the cold. “This is supposed to be a slow time, a time for us just to be brothers. We’re not in any big hurry so don’t go getting impatient on me, it’s not your way.”
“It ain’t impatience; it’s tryin’ to keep from freezin’ to death. I don’t know why I let you talk me into this.”
“Because you’re my loving brother, but mainly because you know how I can be when I don’t get my way.”
Hoss let his displeasure show itself. “Yeah, look, cain’t we go a little faster. It ain’t gonna hurt nothin’ if’n we do, is it?”
“Why not?” Adam said as a wicked light darted into his eyes. He kicked the big chestnut into a gallop and took off.
“I thought you was the one who wasn’t in a hurry?” Hoss shouted then understanding dawned. “Oh, so’s you wantta race me. All right then.” The black broke into a run as Hoss gave him his knees and they flew off after Adam and Sport.
TWO
Darkness was steadily creeping in to swallow the light as they found a spot not far from a small creek that wound its way through Strawberry Meadow. It trickled into the growing dusk like nature’s own composition as a wolf howled a lonesome aria up into the hills.
Hoss was crouched and undoing his bedroll as a jumble of sticks dropped behind him. “I still don’t know why I let you talk me into this. Sleepin’ on the ground when it’s cold enough to take the hide off a drunken cowboy ain’t my idea of a good time.”
“I never said we were out here for a good time, but it can be if you’ll let it. We need to get to know each other again, and I thought this was the best way.” The finely sculpted mouth pulled into a warm, dimple producing smile.
“Know each other?” Hoss said as he spread his blanket out over the bumpy ground. “We know each other.”
“In case you haven’t noticed,” Adam said as he got down on one knee and began piling the little pieces of wood together, “I’m not the same man I was back in the spring, and neither are you. We’ve changed.”
Hoss froze for a second then turned to him. “A little maybe, but not that much, everybody does.”
“But not everybody goes through what we did. I almost died, and you thought I had, and if that doesn’t change you in a big way, nothing will.”
Hoss’ brow knit, and he turned back to his bedding.
“I know you haven’t been sleeping, and nobody has to tell me why,” Adam went on.
“Boy, you don’t believe in beatin’ around the bush, do ya?”
“I never have, it wastes time, and that’s something nobody should ever do, life’s too short.”
Hoss finished and stood but kept his back to his brother. “So’s that’s why we come out here, and no other reason.”
“That’s the main one, but they’re plenty of reasons, and I guess the most important one is because you’re my brother. Hoss, since I got home you haven’t talked to me once about what happened to me. Joe has, and Pa has, and even Hop Sing, but you seem to’ve been purposely avoiding it. You haven’t even mentioned it in passing once. You’ve picked up like everything’s like it used to be, and it isn’t, and we need to talk about it. This isn’t gonna go away simply because you want it to.”
When Hoss finally turned back around Adam gulped and felt as if it he’d been struck by an icy hand. His brother’s pained blue eyes were focused on his face, and he could see the fear very much alive in their depths. The large hands were bunched into tight fists at his sides, and his immense chest moved with deep, heavy breaths. It was hard for Adam to imagine anything frightening his big, powerful brother this way but this definitely was, and he knew Hoss had to dig it out and bury it as he had with his own.
The night moved in to surround them with only the small campfire to hold it back. Supper had been bacon and a pone of cornbread that Hop Sing had baked for their ‘journey into understanding’, as he’d called it. The meal had been a quiet time and the few words that were spoken came from Adam. Now they were sitting opposite from each other, the flickering flames between them. They were sitting on rocks that had been found for this purpose, and they were holding hot, steaming cups of black coffee.
Hoss’ gaze was directed into his cup and Adam’s was set on him. This wasn’t accomplishing what he’d set out to do. “Hoss, you need to hear what I went through.”
“I don’t wantta,” Hoss said never looking from the ebony liquid.
“Maybe not, but you need to hear it all the same. I’d planned on waiting a night or two, but now I see that we need to get this out of the way before we can even begin to think of moving on.” He took a slow drink and let the warmth bolster him. “When I came home I looked like the Adam you’ve always known. You didn’t see what Lee Haymes found more dead than alive that day. ”
Hoss’ hands tightened on the cup, and he refused to look up. He wanted to run away from this but for some reason just couldn’t get up and go or at least cover his ears. He thought he would choke and die on his breath it was coming so fast.
“I’d been stripped down to nothing but my under drawers and left to die…. I was bruised all over and was bleeding inside where you couldn’t see it.” Adam heaved a ragged sigh and forced himself to go on; this was as hard for him to say as it was for Hoss to hear. “I had several cracked ribs, and my mouth and left cheek were split and swelled. There was a gash on the side of my head from being hit with the butt of my own gun. I’d been beaten and kicked and pistol whipped and my knuckles were torn and bleeding because I didn’t go down without a fight. Sometimes I can still hear his taunts when it gets really quiet.”
He looked up and saw that Hoss was sitting – head lowered – as if carved from a single piece of granite. His face was as hard and cold, as were his eyes, and his hands were squeezing the cup as if to mash it.
“Then when I started coming out of it I didn’t even know that Adam Cartwright or the Ponderosa existed. If you’d asked me about them I would’ve told you that I’d never heard of them…, and I was afraid.”
Slowly, as if with the greatest endeavor, Hoss looked at him. “That you wouldn’t remember?”
Adam pushed a hand back over his hair and took a rough breath. “More that I would…. You see, I was afraid of what I’d find out if I did. I was more afraid of what I might be than not knowing. Then I found out that I’m good with a gun and that scared me even more. Think about finding out that you’re an outlaw, that you go around killing people. Maybe you’d killed lawmen that’d tried bringing you in. That maybe you enjoy killing.”
“No,” Hoss said as he shook his head adamantly, “you never liked killin’.”
“But, you see, I didn’t know that, and a part of me didn’t want to find out.”
“Then Joe came.”
“That’s right,” Adam said with a wide grin. “Joe came. I know it hurt that I didn’t even recognize my own little brother, but at that time I didn’t know him from…” irony filled his dark eyes, “Adam. He saw what my life had become. Mind you, it wasn’t bad. I was with good people who didn’t care about what my other life was and wouldn’t believe anything bad about me. They treated me like I was a part of their own family and never with contempt or mistrust. Kip became my little buddy and reminded me of having brothers, though I didn’t know it at the time…. And then there were the nightmares that I thankfully didn’t remember when I woke up. The first time I had one I hit Lee right dead in the face when he tried stopping me from thrashing around.”
“Like the one you had at home when you hit Pa?”
A wounded mask cast over his face. He’d lashed out and struck his own father and didn’t even recollect it, of which he would be eternally grateful. He’d overheard the rest of the family and Mrs. Cadence talking secretively about it, but it was never mentioned in his presence except that he’d had it. “Yeah, just like that.”
“What was it like when you did remember? Joe told me about it an’ how he felt when you said you was a Cartwright, but I wantta know what you was feelin’.”
“It was like I’d just come out of a dark cave into the sunshine. I had a name and a brother, and for the first time in a month there was somebody I belonged to.” Now Adam looked into his own coffee. “But along the way home was the hardest part. That’s when the memories really started to come, and not only the good ones.”
Hoss watched as the dark hazel eyes rose to the clear, star-dotted sky. In the orange glow of the fire he could see the pain – fresh and renewed – in the stern features he was so familiar with. Though he tried acting like he was, Hoss knew that his brother wasn’t completely over what had happened to him and never would be. After all, the mind – with its capacity to retain the unpleasant as well as the pleasant – was always at work, even during sleep, hence dreams.
“Then I got back to the house to a father and another brother, and the memories of two mothers that I loved for the short time I had them.” He finally looked back at Hoss. “It’s been a long, hard road that I continue to travel every day, and probably will for the rest of my life.” Then it went silent again with only the crackling of the fire as it consumed the wood. He took a drink of the tepid coffee, and his nose crinkled. “All right, I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn.”
Hoss shook his head and looked away from those penetrating eyes. “I don’t wantta.”
“I know, but you need to get it out in the open and talk about what you’re feeling. I’ve found that talking about it helps. It can’t make it go away, nothing short of dying can do that, but it does help.”
At this point Adam knew it was best not to push too hard, so he took another sip of the flat coffee and waited. He could see the thought processes working across his brother’s face, and knew he was giving it a serious think through.
“I cain’t do it, Adam, I just cain’t do it,” Hoss said as he slung his coffee onto the ground and jerked to his feet.
“Hoss, you need to talk this out with somebody, and I think I’m the best one, don’t you?”
“Why? What makes you the best one?”
Adam’s expression became more solemn. “Because I’m the one Vince Decker put through that, and if I can talk about it…”
“I said I cain’t, so don’t push at me.” Hoss threw his cup to the ground then went and flopped into his makeshift bed. He yanked the blanket over him and turned his back to Adam and the firelight.
“Good night,” Adam said mildly.
“Good night,” Hoss grumbled as he nestled himself in.
Adam felt a sense of disappointment at this setback, but he wasn’t defeated, not yet. Hoss was as pigheaded stubborn as the rest of the family, and Adam knew he had his work cut out for him, but he couldn’t give in. Absentmindedly, he took another drink, and his eyes went to it, and he smacked. With a quick fling it slopped against the ground. He might as well go to bed too since Hoss had called a stop to that night’s heart-to-heart.
He dropped the cup then went to his own bedroll and eased into it. His concern for his brother was more than it had been before leaving the house, and he wondered if Hoss would be the only one who couldn’t sleep.
*******
Hoss lay on his back looking up into the lightening sky. Since this whole thing had begun this was one of the few nights he hadn’t been asleep at all, and he attributed that to Adam’s revelations of the night before. He’d known his brother had suffered at the hands of Vince Decker, but until Adam had laid it all out for him he hadn’t understood how much. Now, when he closed his eyes in his attempts at gaining sleep, he saw what had been described to him. He didn’t blame Adam, he’d simply been trying to help, but he had only succeeded in making it worse. His eyes strayed to where his brother lay, but in the dying light of the campfire he couldn’t make out much. Still, just knowing that Adam was close by was a comfort and brought with it a sense of security. With a grunt, he turned back onto his side and closed his eyes again. If only he could go to sleep and blot it all out. He took a long breath and settled against the hard, lumpy ground. “Like layin’ on rocks,” he said softly. “Durn it all, you are layin’ on rocks,” and he pulled a good-sized one out from under him and threw it away.
THREE
When Hoss opened his eyes he became aware of the mouthwatering aroma of frying bacon. He blinked as he realized that he had fallen asleep. Pushing the blanket away, he sat up and looked to the sun and could tell that it was right around straight-up noon.
“Afternoon, brother,” Adam said as he turned the bacon and it sizzled more loudly. “It’s about time you woke up.”
“Woke up?”
“That’s right. You were really sawin’ timber, and I didn’t have the heart to wake you.” He turned the bacon again. “I’d guess and say you’re pretty hungry, so why don’t you come on over here get some of this. I know I’m no Hop Sing, but it’s better than starvation.”
Still half groggy, Hoss drug himself over by the fire and sat on his rock. He watched as his brother took a cloth bag from the right pouch of his saddlebags. From it he took a pancake that he placed in the skillet to heat up. He flipped it once then took it out and gingerly wrapped around several crisp strips and handed to him.
“I didn’t know you had flapjacks.”
“I’ve got all sorts of things, thanks to Hop Sing.” He put more bacon into the skillet.
Hoss bit into his food and it was delicious, in spite of Adam’s claims. “So whadaya have planned for today?” He took another bite.
“That’s the good thing about this, nothing’s planned. We just pick a direction and head that way.” He turned the bacon and it sputtered and popped. “And I thought I’d let you do the deciding. So which way would you like to go?”
The pale sun glinted in the mischievous blue eyes as he pointed off to his right.”
“Very funny,” Adam said as a single eyebrow rose. “We’re not ready to go back home. I told you yesterday why we’re out here, and we haven’t done that yet.”
Hoss finished and was almost immediately handed another one. In spite of their reason for being out there it was good just being with his brother. Adam was right when he’d said they hadn’t done this in a while, and Hoss agreed that it had been too long. He watched as Adam busied himself over the skillet and could feel his emotions churning. He’d seen him do this many times before, but this time was different. This time Hoss was seeing him do something he’d never expected to see him do ever again. In fact, after that day in the North Pasture, he hadn’t expected to see him alive again.
*******
The horses moved leisurely along the edge of a stand of massive pines. They had gotten a late start since Hoss had overslept – something that hadn’t happened in a long while – and his brother had let him alone. It was the most sleep he’d had in one swipe, and Adam hadn’t wanted to bother him.
Since breaking camp Hoss hadn’t said much and had become unusually sullen. Adam knew what was on his mind, and since he wasn’t ready to talk about it Adam decided on something more pleasant.
“Do you remember the time you, me and Ross went swimming around here and almost got caught by that hunting party of Bannocks?”
“I sure do, an’ if’n I remember right we didn’t have no clothes on.”
Adam flinched and ducked his head. “You remember right. We must’ve hid in the bushes for twenty or thirty minutes until they were gone, shivering and drippin’ wet.”
“It seemed more like two months.” Hoss pushed his hat back with a grimace. “There we stood nekkid as three jaybirds, holdin’ our clothes an’ afraid to move enough to put ‘em on.”
“Yeah, and if you’d stayed home like I tried to get you to instead of following us you wouldn’t’ve been caught.”
“Well, you was my big brother, an’ I always wanted to do what you did.”
“Oh, and if I’d jumped in front of a stampede of loco steers would you’ve wanted to do that too?”
“Ah, Adam, you know what I mean.”
Adam snickered. “Yeah, brother, I know what you mean.”
Then it got quiet again, and Adam could see the mind working furiously behind those troubled blue eyes.
“Adam.”
“Yeah?”
“It still hurts, don’t it?” He continued to stare at the horn of his saddle, and his fingers clenched on the reins. “He’s dead ‘cause you killed ‘im. You had no choice, but it still hurts.”
Adam inhaled jaggedly as the old wound was reopened. The vivid image of his best friend dying in his arms from a bullet he’d put there came back at him with a rush. It had been three years, but right now it felt like it had been three minutes.
“Yeah, it still hurts, but I don’t blame myself like I did there for a while; time and distance have given me that. Time heals all wounds, so they say, but I can tell you from personal experience that it doesn’t always. It allows those that are simply too deep to scab over, but they stay right beneath the surface, always ready to be torn in to.” He shifted in his saddle and straightened his back and fought against the rampaging grief. It was that ridge out on the mesa again, and he could hear Ross’ final words as plainly as he had then.
“Where am I going?”
“To Delphine, she’s waiting.”
“Ah, Adam, it hurts. I’m so cold. I’m slipping. Hang onto me, Adam.”
“I got your hand, boy.”
“Adam.”
Hoss finally looked around, and he could see the pain in his brother’s face and knew that the old wound was bleeding, not the one to his shoulder, but the one to his heart.
Adam felt a comforting squeeze on his shoulder, and he looked around into those sympathetic eyes that had a way of soothing. A warm, gap-toothed smile spread over the full face, and he felt some of the sting ease. “Thanks, Hoss.”
“What’re brothers for?”
They rode on, still in no great hurry, until they came to a road near where it split. They reined in along the rim of it and just sat for several seconds before anyone spoke.
“If we take the left fork we’ll wind up in Virginia City, but if we take the one on the right we can be in Carson in a little while. It’s up to you.”
“Why do I gotta do all the decidin’ on this trip?” Hoss asked, and his annoyance showed.
“Because you’re the reason we’re out here.”
Hoss looked first one way then the other. “Well, what do you wantta do?”
“I didn’t ask me. I’m leaving it entirely up to you.”
Hoss scratched the side of his head as he pondered his little dilemma. A nice, soft bed in a room with four walls and a ceiling to cut off the wind would be awful nice. But he was so enjoying his time alone with his brother and the weather, while plenty nippy, wasn’t so bad. He looked up to the misleadingly bright sky and felt the cool breeze against his cheeks. The smell of pine and autumn and the nearness of Adam made his heart beat a little harder, and he didn’t want to spoil it. Carson City wasn’t going anywhere and they had plenty of time.
“Why don’t we give it another night, an’ we can decide tomorrow.”
“You can decide,” Adam said as he jabbed a finger at him.
“All right, I’ll decide,” Hoss said with a surly tone then wrinkled his nose and broke into a grin.
They kicked their mounts into a brisker pace and headed back toward the trees. It would be time to set up camp before long and there wasn’t time for dilly dallying.
*******
They sky had turned churlish and gray clouds shrouded the sun though didn’t completely obscure it. To the unlearned it simply looked rainy, but to those who lived close to the land and by the whims of Mother Nature, this was a snow sky. The light cast differently and the masses of dark billows appeared heavier and hardly seemed to move. Granted, it was only the middle of October, but here in the Sierras winters tended to not wait as long. And when they did come they were usually hard and unrelenting.
The brothers continued on as if heedless to the threat over them, but two sets of eyes repeatedly darted up. Glances were exchanged but words weren’t and they kept going. They soon found themselves in the low pasture known as Golden Meadow. This was where their father’s horse had come up lame while he was checking the fence line that ran along the outer edge of it two days before.
The place had come by its moniker honestly and whoever had named it must have been here in the fall. The leaves of the trees had turned the deepest of gold and many of them littered the faded grass. Those that remained on the branches rustled in the breeze that blew through producing a sound that sent a chill through a man like nothing else. If you weren’t cold when you heard it you would be.
As they stopped Adam cocked his head to the side and cast one eye skyward as the other scrunched shut. “I’ll be very much surprised if we don’t have snow within the next two or three days.” He looked around at his brother. “If you want to we can head on back.”
“Why? I ain’t scared of a little snow. Is you?”
Adam’s mouth crooked. “Nope.”
With a nudge Sport and Chubb started ahead again. They went on until they came to a small cluster of trees – seven in all – and decided that this would be a good place to set up camp. They dismounted and ground tied the horses and while Adam hunted for fire wood Hoss took care of them.
Adam looked up and hoped that what he’d once heard an old timer call ‘falling weather’ would hold off. He figured he’d expended his allotment of good luck by surviving a brutal attack that should have killed him and being found by a man like Lee Haymes. A white sifting didn’t bother him so much but visions of a blizzard made him twitchy as a rabbit’s nose. He picked up another discarded branch and put it in his bent arm along with the others he’d gathered. He could almost smell the snow and it only heightened his unease. With another glance up he turned and went back to where Hoss was waiting and kept his fingers crossed.
FOUR
That evening for supper Adam – much to his brother’s chagrin – decided to be creative. Once the fire was going he dug out the skillet. Water from a spare canteen, salt, pepper, dried onions, carrots, parsnips and peas, and a whole bag of jerky, which he cut into pieces, were put into it.
“Have you ever tried this before?” Hoss said as he watched dubiously from his perch on a dead log.
“No,” Adam said as he stirred his concoction with a long wooden spoon, “but Hop Sing said it should work. Why, don’t you trust me?”
“It ain’t you I don’t trust, it’s your cookin’.”
“Well, now I didn’t kill you with dinner today, and I didn’t hear any complaints.”
“That’s only ‘cause Hop Sing made the flapjacks, and I was so dadblamed hungry.”
Adam sequestered a grin, and his eyes came up. “I tell you what, if you can’t eat this we’ll go into Carson City tomorrow, and I’ll buy you a real first class supper at the best restaurant in town. How does that sound?”
“That sounds just fine, but cain’t you do that anyway, no matter how this turns out?”
“It’s something to think about,” his attention went back to his improvised stew, “but let’s see how this goes first.”
“Yeah, all right,” Hoss said as his eyebrows rose, his nose wrinkled, and his upper lip curled as he gulped.
Adam glanced at him and thought a change of subject might be in order. Sometimes it was prudent to take Hoss’ mind off his stomach if not always possible. “So, have you given much thought about what you’re gonna get Pa for Christmas this year?”
“I dunno,” Hoss said his eyes set on the burgeoning meal. He was too worried about being poisoned by his brother to think about much else. But he did have to admit that it was beginning to smell pretty good and wasn’t totally unappealing to the eye. Everything was reconstituting nicely, and the slices of carrots added some color. It looked like some of Hop Sing’s first-class stew; he could only hope it tasted like it.
“I haven’t given it much thought either,” Adam gave it a taste then added a sprinkling of salt, “but I should, considering it’s only a little over two months away. But what do you get for a man who has everything?”
Hoss’ attention couldn’t be torn from the skillet, and he continued staring at it as if it were a bubbling caldron of hemlock.
Adam was finding it more and more difficult to contain his amusement, and his own doubts. He’d never been the best of cooks and certainly never had to worry about being offered a job at a fine restaurant, not that he’d take it. Still, when a man was off by himself and had to do the cooking, it helped if it was edible.
By the time the food was ready, Hoss had pretty much become a permanent fixture on the log. His eyes had occasionally turned elsewhere as if looking for an escape route. Once he had gone behind a tree to answer nature’s call, and Adam had used the opportunity to vent his laughter, muted as it was.
“Here you go,” Adam said as he handed a steaming plate to him. He watched with fervent anticipation as Hoss stared at it and fingered the handle of his spoon. “Well, go on and taste it. You won’t know until you do, and the only way is to put it in your mouth.”
“I know what,” Hoss said hopefully, “you’re the cook so’s why don’t you go first?”
“No, you’re the guest of honor, so to you goes the privilege of the first bite.”
“I was afraid you was gonna say that,” Hoss said and swallowed hard. He dipped the bowl of the spoon into it and gingerly brought it toward his mouth. It really did smell good, but Hoss wasn’t one for experimentation with his food, especially with him as the guinea pig. His lips parted as if he was afraid of it touching them. Then he closed his eyes and the deed was done. But then the most delightful sensation attached itself to his taste buds. His eyes flew open and went straight to his brother’s eager face as he began to chew. “Hey, this in pure-de-old-delicious. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“It really is good?” Adam said unable to hide his surprise.
“It really is, an’ if’n you want some you best have at it, ‘cause I’m just liable to eat it up from you.”
Adam handed him a cup of coffee then poured himself some and dished up a good helping of his own and took his place on the log. They settled into their meal and their banter and laughter brought life to the night.
Hoss couldn’t recall the last time he’d felt so alive, and the sole reason for it was because his brother was alive. He was glad he’d let himself be talked into coming, and as much as he thought of Pa and Joe it was good being alone with Adam.
*******
Hoss didn’t know what time it was when he awoke with a start. He couldn’t be sure what had caused it, but there was a definite sense of alarm. As wakefulness took hold he realized that he’d gone to sleep almost from the moment he’d laid down. However, now he was wide awake, and he felt that something was dreadfully wrong. Rising up, he turned to where his brother was, and his heart beat into his throat. “Adam.” Panic seized him, and his voice rose with it. “Adam!”
“I’m over here,” came softly.
His head shot around, and his eyes probed the darkness until they stopped on a tall silhouette standing among the trunks of the trees. It stood as motionless as they were and as silent.
Hoss pushed his blanket away and went to stand by the black figure. “Adam…, what’s wrong?”
“Who says anything has to be wrong? I just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.” A deep, soughing breath filled the quietness and merged with the gentle murmur of the leaves. “Since we took those cattle up to Lee Haymes’ place I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
“About what?”
“A lot of things. About my life, about how it all could’ve ended, about what you and Pa and Joe went through when you thought I’d been killed, about a lot of things.” His head turned in Hoss’ direction. “For instance, do you realize that every woman I’ve ever had a chance with goes for some reason or another? Irene, Sue Ellen, Ruth, Regina, Laura, all gone.”
“I’d just as soon we not talk about that last one.”
“Don’t blame Laura.”
“Well, I do. You was good to her, gooder’n any man can be to a woman. An’ she weren’t never happy with nothin’ you said or did. Then you fell an’ like to never walked again buildin’ that house for ‘er, an’ what’d she do but run off with somebody else; kin no less.”
“I don’t blame them, they fell in love. Things just happen that way sometimes, and Will was going to walk away, but I couldn’t let him do that.” He went quiet.
“Did you love ‘er? I mean, you was gonna marry ‘er?”
“You know, to tell the truth, I’ve never been really sure about that. I think I did, but not the way a man should love the woman that he’s going to make his wife.”
“Well, she sure didn’t love you.”
“I guess I just wasn’t right for her when he was…. Maybe I’m not right for any woman. ”
“Don’t you say that.” A strong hand squeezed Adam’s shoulder. “You’re one o’ the finest men I ever been honored to know, and somewhere there’s a woman meant for you, she just ain’t showed up yet. So don’t you go ridin’ yourself down ‘cause I don’t wantta hear it.”
“All right, brother,” he said and took hold of Hoss’ arm. “Now why don’t you go on back to bed? I just wantta stand here a little while longer then I’ll turn in too.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure, now go on.”
With reluctance Hoss went back to his bedroll and got into it, but he doubted he would go back to sleep. He hadn’t been able to see the look on his brother’s face, but he’d heard the sadness in his voice. Since returning from the cattle drive Adam had become more pensive than was usual for him. Sometimes he’d mount up on that big red horse of his and just take off. Other times he would sit in his room for hours playing his guitar, and he’d taken to the roof again. More than once he, Joe, Pa and Hop Sing had found him out there, even after it turned off cold. Something was definitely on Adam’s mind, and Hoss felt it had something to do with more than lost love, and he wished he could help him sort it out, whatever it was.
He closed his eyes and a vision of his Reagan came to him and filled him with warmth. Adam wasn’t the only one had lost a chance at happiness.
FIVE
As they rode out the next morning a gust brought a shower of golden leaves
that swirled about them like bright feathers then settled delicately to
the ground. The air was heavy and nippier than it had been the previous
day and thoughts of winter were driven home even more.
Little had been said during breakfast and as they broke camp, but Adam had
been the object of that blue gaze the whole time. He knew it had to do with
their discussion under the trees, and he wished hadn’t said anything. But
just being around Hoss had a way of drawing into words what was on his mind,
most especially since he’d come home.
“Hoss, what I said last night, I wish you’d just forget about it. I was in one of my moods and feeling a little sorry for myself is all. You shouldn’t pay too much attention to it.”
“Well, I do pay attention. You’re my brother an’ when you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy.”
“Who says I’m unhappy?”
“You did. Oh, not in so many words, but I could hear it in your voice. Don’t forgit, I’ve known you for a long time an’ I know when somethin’s botherin’ you.”
“Well, that works both ways, and that’s why we’re out here, or have you forgotten? It’s not to talk about me and you haven’t told me yet what’s on your mind. It’s not like you to be unable to sleep.”
“Well, I done all right the other night an’ was doin’ all right last night ‘til you went an’ woke me up,” Hoss said with a sly grin. “An’ then I couldn’t go back to sleep from worrin’ about what you said.”
“Stop changing the subject, I don’t wantta talk about me.”
“Well, that knife cuts both ways, ‘cause I don’t wantta talk about me either.”
Adam shook his head and bit down on the inside of his lower lip. Why did his family have to be so stubborn? He wasn’t the only one that could argue a mule to a standstill. “Hoss…,”
Before he could finish, though, Hoss urged his horse on ahead and didn’t look back. Adam could feel the heat prickle at the roots of his hair and his fingers knotting. He’d come out here to get at the base of his brother’s problem and the big oaf wouldn’t cooperate. Hoss needed to put into words what was troubling him if for no other reason than to hear himself say it. Adam wasn’t defeated, and he wouldn’t quit trying, even if he found himself flat on the ground looking up into the sky. He owed Hoss that much.
Adam stayed well behind his brother until he realized that they were heading back in the direction of Carson City. Sport came alongside the big Morgan, and he watched as the somberness in Hoss’ face melted away. He found himself the object of those glittering eyes with their child-like enthusiasm, and he knew what Hoss wanted.
“One night,” Adam said as he held up a single finger. “One.”
“All right, big brother.”
“Sometimes I wonder about that.” Then a broad, toothy grin spread over his face and lit his eyes. Suddenly, an earsplitting whoop burst from him, and he kicked Sport into a full gallop.
“Wait for me!” Hoss shouted and Chubb shot forward with a burst of speed.
*******
They stopped around noon to water and rest their horses and do the same for themselves. Hoss’ jerky bag – since Adam had used all of his in the stew – came out and its contents made up dinner. They sat on the creek bank while Sport and Chubb picked at what grass they could find.
“Adam, do you still think about some day movin’ on an’ leavin’ the Ponderosa?”
Adam’s head jerked around, and his eyes drilled into his brother. “Why do
you ask that?”
“You’ve always been the restless sort, the kind that likes to go places. I guess it comes from all them years you was always on the move with Pa when you was growin’ up.”
“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t.” Sport came over to him and lowered his head, and Adam gave him a pat on the jowl. “And I suppose I will someday, but why are you asking me about it now? You never have before.”
“I dunno, I ‘spose....” His head dropped between his arms that were propped on his knees.
“Hoss,” Adam put a hand on his back, “even if I were to ride away today and never come back my family would always be with me, no matter where I went. But who says I’m going anywhere?”
“Nobody,” Hoss looked at him, sorrow welling in his eyes, “but you stay so much to yourself these days that I thought....”
“That’s one of your problems, you know that?” Adam said as he began rubbing the broad back. “You think entirely too much.” His lips parted affectionately. “Now finish eating so we can get on to town.”
Hoss agreed and they ate quietly. Adam glanced over at him then looked straight ahead, and he tore a bite from his jerky. Had Hoss, with his simple, unassuming ways, become aware of what he dreaded telling them, especially Pa?
*******
Since there was no rush to get there they arrived in Carson City around four o’clock, give or take. They had been here many times since its birth in 1858 and knew the town well. It was the Territorial Capital and had been for three years now and it bustled with life and activity because of the silver mines. Tonight, however, it would be home to the Cartwright brothers. No itinerary had been planned, just whatever occurred to them. The only things for certain were food and lodging for them and their mounts.
After Sport and Chubb were settled into the livery for the night, the brother’s – saddlebags slung over their shoulders – walked to the Comstock Hotel. They knew Bob Tallmadge, the manager, very well and most of the clerks.
Adam and Hoss came in – their boots scuffing on the rose-studded carpet – as they went to the heavy oak admitting desk across the room. The lobby wasn’t quite as large as the one in the International House in Virginia City but it held its own alongside it in elegance.
“Afternoon, Pat,” Adam said cheerfully as he and his brother stopped near the register.
“Adam and Hoss Cartwright,” the hefty man said as his head came up, “it’s been a while since we’ve seen you two around. What brings you here this time?”
“This ‘un drug me away from home,” Hoss said as he jerked a thumb in Adam’s direction, “an’ I been sleepin’ on the cold, hard ground, but I managed to talk ‘im into a warm bed and hot food for one night.”
“My food’s hot,” Adam said as if offended, “and I haven’t’ heard any objections. But then it’s hard to complain with your mouth full.” A wily grin curved his lips, and he winked at Pat as he started signing in.
Once they had secured a room and the key they went up to number fifteen on the second floor. They had stayed in this one before – as they had in most of the hotel’s thirty-seven rooms – so they didn’t need anyone to show them how to get to it. The first thing that was dumped on the bed was Adam, his feet nearly touching the footboard. He interlocked his fingers behind his head and let his body sink into the soft mattress. “I’m glad I let you talk me into this.”
“I don’t think it took much arm twistin’,” Hoss said as he hung his saddlebags over the back of the chair with his brother’s. “I still think we should o’ got two rooms.”
“I don’t mind sleeping with you just so long as you don’t roll on me.”
Hoss came around the other side of the bed and flopped back next to him and did the same with his hands. “Oh, boy, that feels good. Better ‘n sleepin’ in a bed o’ rocks like I done the other night. You sure we cain’t stay two nights?”
“No, we left home so it would be just us, and it can’t be that way in town.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that,” Hoss said dolefully, “but I thought I’d ask.”
For a long minute they didn’t say anything and just looked up at the ceiling.
“Why was you so dead set on us not stayin’ in different rooms?” Hoss finally asked.
“Because you can’t talk through walls,” he looked at Hoss, “but we won’t go into that. What would you like to do tonight, other than supper, that is?”
“I dunno I ain’t give it much thought.” He shook his head. “But for some reason I ain’t in much of a mood o’ goin’ to any saloons.”
“Well, don’t worry about it, we’ll figure something out.”
They went quiet again with their eyes directed back to the ceiling.
SIX
The hotel dining room was as stylishly appointed as the lobby with the same rose-adorned carpet and boasted refined dining, the best in town. Three strategically placed plum-colored lamps hung from the ceiling, their crystal prisms casting rainbows of light on the walls.
Adam and Hoss were seated near the center of the room awaiting their meal when a husky man with premature gunmetal gray hair approached them. His keen reddish-brown eyes sparkled as he came to their table. “Pat told me you two were staying here,” Bob Tallmadge said as a large hand shot out to Adam. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you, and I just had to stop by. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all, Bob, it’s always good to see friends,” Adam said as he shook the man’s hand, “and you’re right, it has been a long time.”
Bob turned to Hoss and repeated the handshake. “Are you planning on staying long?”
“Just the night this time. I promised Pa we wouldn’t stay away too long. Even this late in the year there’s still plenty that needs to be done,” Adam said as he took a sip of his water. “And Joe can be expected to do our work only so long.”
“It sounds like it’s for pleasure this time around.”
“It’s ‘sposed to be, Bob,” Hoss said with a sharp glance at Adam, “but you know how this ‘un is.”
“Don’t pay any attention to him,” Adam said with a slight grin, “this is strictly not business. Now why don’t you sit down with us? Our food should be here in a little bit, and we can have a good long chat.”
“Well, I don’t want to impose, and I’ve already eaten.”
“You ain’t imposin’, an’ they ain’t nothin’ says you cain’t have a cup o’ coffee, now is there?”
One corner of Bob’s mouth turned, and his eyes lit up as if candles were behind them. “Not a thing, Hoss, not one single, solitary thing.” He pulled out a chair and sat between them. “Alex,” he said loudly as he motioned over a waiter.
The food was soon brought along with a cup of coffee for the manager, and when he was finished it was creamed and well sugared. Polite conversation carried along while food and beverage were taken in, but then Bob brought up what they had all been avoiding.
“It was a bad time,” Bob said and took a sip. “When I heard about it I hung a black wreath on each of the front doors, and so did most of the other establishments, as well as black bunting.”
“Yeah, it was a bad time for all of us, all right,” Hoss said as he forgot his food. “Pa most of all.”
“I can imagine.”
“No, Bob, I don’t think you can,” Hoss said dolefully. “I ain’t never seen such a change come over one person in my life. We didn’t even know ‘im no more. He took to the bottle an’ stayed in Adam’s room most all the time.”
Adam had heard what his family had gone through before, and he didn’t particularly want to hear it again, but he couldn’t escape from it. It had happened and nothing could ever change that and neither would not talking about it. He pushed a piece of potato around his plate with his fork as Hoss went on.
“Well, that’s all behind us,” Bob said happily, “and we shouldn’t dwell on it. You know, I think that calls for a toast, I mean, how often does something like this come along? You lose somebody you care about then get ‘em back. Not every day, not every day.” He called over another waiter and had him bring a bottle of the finest wine they had.
“Bob, that isn’t…” Adam started.
“Nonsense, and anyway, I want to. We’ve been friends for a long time, and it’s the least I can do.”
A bottle of Bordeaux was brought on a silver tray along with three stemmed glasses. Bob did the honor of pouring then held his glass up. “To friends, those we lose, those we don’t care to lose, and those we thank our stars for having and hope never to lose. Adam, you fall into the latter category, and I’m so glad we didn’t lose you. And the next time you come into town I don’t want to have to hear about it so late.”
“You won’t, Bob, I promise,” Adam said as he raised his glass.”
They drank to the toast then sank back into general conversation as appetites returned. Adam was glad he hadn’t tried changing Hoss’ mind about coming to town. It was good for both of them, and they needed it more than he’d realized. Now if he could only get Hoss to open up.
*******
Night had moved in – a time when the saloons really came to life – and laughter and voices and music from tinny pianos filled the streets. The usual bustle of the day had calmed down and most of the activity moved indoors. The moonlight wasn’t as strong as it had been, and the main source of illumination in town came through windows and escaped past batwing doors.
In room fifteen of the Comstock Hotel the soft glow of a lamp threw shadows and brother’s voices filled every corner. The big one sat in the chair in his sock feet while the black-haired one was stretched on the bed, his boots also shed. Much had been bandied back and forth as possible diversions for the evening, but in the end the appeal of a night on the town had lost out to just being with each other in the solitude of a quiet setting.
The chitchat was punctuated now and again by laughter and Hoss’ robust guffaws carried. Frantic pounding at the door caught him in mid-sentence, but it was Adam who peeled himself from the bed and answered it. A man of not too imposing stature with disheveled sandy blond hair stood before him. He was wearing a robe and slippers and his face was as red a Maine lobster that had made the boiling plunge. He paled slightly at the appearance of the commanding dark-haired man dressed all in black, but he held his ground.
“Something wrong, mister?” Adam asked innocently, hiding a smirk with a well placed hand.
“Something wrong?” the man blurted. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong! I’m a traveling merchant, and I have a lot of ground to cover, so I need my sleep! But with all the noise coming from this room I can’t even close my eyes!”
“Well, I…”
“What’s the matter with you and whoever you’ve got in here; don’t you have any consideration for anybody else?” He tried looking in around Adam but found himself blocked. “Have you got some woman in there?”
“I don’t really think…”
“It is a woman, isn’t it? You know, maybe I should go right down and see the manager? People like you should…”
“You got a problem, brother?” Hoss asked as he stepped around the door and came to stand behind Adam.
The man’s eyes went right to him, and he took on the appearance of an apparition as the blood finished draining from his face.
Adam cleared his throat. “You were saying.”
The man had to tear his eyes from this giant, and they were the size of poker chips. “Uh, nothing, nothing at all.” He managed a less than enthusiastic grin. “You go right ahead with what you were doing. I’ll get to sleep, I always do. I’ll just go on back to my room now.”
“Well, we can keep it down,” Adam said.
“No, no, I didn’t mean…”
Hoss took one step forward out of sheer cussidness, and that was when the man vaporized. Adam leaned out into the hall and watched him scurry away – constantly checking over his shoulders – and dash into his room and slam the door.
Adam closed the door and turned to his brother, the smirk becoming more pronounced. “I really must say, you’re a very attractive woman,” Adam said as a roguish amber light sparked in his eyes.
“Why, thank you, kind sir,” Hoss said in the most feminine voice he could muster and batted his eyelashes.
They just looked at each other for a few seconds then the laughter became more raucous than ever. Hoss rested a hand on Adam’s shoulder as mirthful tears ran down his cheeks. He hadn’t enjoyed a good laugh like this with his older brother since they were both children and it felt good. This Adam, who had been made to realize that holding back who he really was didn’t change anything, Hoss liked. It wasn’t that he didn’t always like his brother, but this one was such a joy to be with. He thought back to Adam’s little escapade with the red pepper on the drive taking Lee Hayme’s cattle, and his hilarity intensified.
*******
Hoss had long since gone to sleep as Adam stood at the window looking down into the street, his arms crossed over his full chest. The room – directly over the kitchen – was warm in spite of the chill outside, and he was only wearing his britches. A scant amount of light managed to filter in and shone against his raven hair.
It had been a wonderful evening. He could still see those disarming blue eyes and hear his brother’s hearty, contagious laughter. They had been enjoying each other’s company and reminiscing about some of the things that had befallen them when they were children. And then the salesman had come to the door and put the icing on the cake. His mouth turned at the thought of it.
He looked back to the bed as Hoss’ snoring – having not yet reached its full potential – filled the room. “Hoss,” he said as barely a whisper. “I wish I could tell you, brother, but it’s just not time yet.” He took a deep breath. “And I hope when I do you and Pa and Joe understand.” He turned back to the window and once again looked out into the night. If this was the right decision then why did it bother him so?
SEVEN
Adam sat at a table in the hotel dining room watching his brother devour his second breakfast. As long as he’d known Hoss it still boggled his mind at how much food the big man could put away. “I met a fella from Kentucky once that told me if you eat yourself into a stiff founder you’ll have to stand in running water.”
Hoss momentarily lost interest in the contents of his plate. “Huh?” he said as his brow puckered. “What for?”
“So your toenails won’t slide off.”
Hoss glanced at his booted-feet then back to Adam, serious contemplation working across his broad face. “Ah, Adam, that’s ridiculous.”
“I don’t know,” he said as he scratched the side of his neck, “he told me he’d seen it happen.”
The blue eyes set right on the hazel ones across from him that didn’t blink and gave nothing away. Then amusement laced with uncertainty came into Hoss’ expression. “You’re just funnin’ me, ain’t ya?”
Adam took a drink of his coffee and continued watching him, still deadpan serious. “I just know what he told me, but I’d say that if your toenails haven’t slid off by this time they’re not going to.”
“Good, ‘cause I’m still hungry,” Hoss said and went back at his food with gusto.
Adam grinned and took another drink. “Besides, I don’t think you’ve ever foundered in your life, in fact, I don’t think you’ve ever been full.”
“Sure I have,” Hoss said as he forked down a bite of steak, “I just cain’t remember when that was.”
Adam snorted and shook his head and finished off his coffee. His brothers were a joy and a delight in his life, though there were times they tried his nerves and stretched his patience to the breaking point, but they were still his brothers. The time that he didn’t knew who he was came back to haunt and disturb him as he thought of never knowing them again. He glanced back at Hoss just as he cut off a piece of meat that would choke a horse and stuffed it into his mouth. He laughed inside and knew that this time would be a golden memory that would last him a lifetime. Memories, what wonderful treasures they could be.
*******
It was pushing in on eight o’clock that morning when they finally rode out and turned back toward the Ponderosa. They had a hearty breakfast under their belts, well, in Hoss’ case, more than one, and they had both had a good night’s sleep, Hoss had anyway. It was brisk and invigorating, and the threat of snow still hung over them.
Hoss was sleeping a little better, but he still obstinately refused to talk about what he was feeling, and Adam didn’t want to prod him too much. He would wait to see how things worked out as they continued their return journey. He felt that if he could once get him talking that maybe the floodgates would open and let it out. That he believed was the key, but he wasn’t certain how to turn it.
They had been riding for nearly an hour when they crossed onto the Ponderosa. Adam reined in and Hoss did the same.
“What’re we stoppin’ for?” Hoss asked.
“If we turn right we’ll probably be home before nightfall, and we can sleep in our own beds tonight.” He looked at Hoss and tried reading his eyes. “I said that I’d leave the decision making up to you. So what to you wantta do?”
Hoss sat silent for several seconds and took in the surrounding countryside then turned back to his brother. “You don’t wantta go back yet, do you?”
“This isn’t about what I want. I said I’d leave it up to you, and I meant that. Now if you wantta go home that’s what we’ll do and no hard feelings, but if you decide to stay out another day or two or whatever then we will.”
Adam could see the wheels turning behind Hoss’ eyes as he thought it over.
“Let’s give it another day an’ see how we feel about it tomorrow.”
“Sounds good to me. Now you go on in whichever way you want to, and I’ll follow.”
Hoss agreed and eased the black into a walk in the direction away from home. Adam hoped that tonight he could draw Hoss out for he thought that this wouldn’t go on much longer.
*******
“Well, after you two got me mixed up in that mess I was about half a mind not to talk to either of you again,” Adam snickered, “but then Hank married Miss Abigail and got me out of it. Although sometimes…” but his voice fell off as he looked around at Hoss. His expression was grim as death. “Hoss,” but he got no answer.
Only now did he take notice that Gobbler’s Ridge was just beyond the stand of huge pines off to their right. Hoss’ words had been coming fewer and fewer and now he had grown perfectly silent. Adam had heard about Sport being left there with his saddle, and about Hoss going there later to get it, though it had been from someone else. He could only imagine what was going through his brother’s mind as they continued to draw closer, but he wouldn’t say anything about it and see where Hoss took them. Would he go there or would he steer them away from it?
It took them about another twenty minutes to clear the trees. As they did they could see the new line shack nestled at the base of the slope and backed by more pines that arched around the left side and down past it. The splash of water running over rocks could be heard not far away.
They continued on toward the little building and it remained hushed between them. Adam could see the grimness intensify in his brother’s face as they approached it. Joe had told him how unnaturally quiet and sullen Hoss had been the whole time they were building it, and the seemingly sadistic enjoyment the big man had taken in burning the old one to make room for the new. He had insisted on putting the torch to it himself and refused any help from Joe or Gil, the hand that had been helping them.
They reined up in front of the shack and Adam watched as his brother just stared at it. “This is an improvement over the last one. It’d outlived its usefulness and was long past due to be replaced. You all did a real good job.” He let his gaze rove over the structure and to the new fence then he twisted in the saddle and looked around him. “It’s nice up here, peaceful and a good place to think.”
“This was where Ned left Sport an’ your gear.”
Adam’s head snapped around at the sound of the strained voice. Hoss still hadn’t looked from the building and the harshness to his face had deepened.
“I brung a wagon up here to git it…. That was the hardest thing I ever done…. It’s so purty up here an’… not a place for a thing like that. It’s meant for a house an’ for children to run an’ play but not for…” He rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and tears ran from their corners and down the sides of his face.
Adam reached out and squeezed his shoulder but Hoss didn’t look around and sat like a rock. He could feel the tense muscles beneath his fingers, and he knew that his brother was reliving that heart wrenching moment.
“I ain’t been up here since August.”
“We could stay for the night, if you’d like. We could…”
“No,” came like the report of a gun.
The fire in those blue eyes that met him told Adam that that was a definite and not a maybe. “All right, I’m sure we can find a good place away from here.”
The horses were turned and walked away without so much as a glance back from either of the two men. Even though the old shack was gone this place still harbored bad memories. Adam watched his brother riding silently beside him. Not all memories were treasured.
They went on until they found the source of the splashing and followed it until they were well away from the cause of Hoss’ somber state. They moved along – keeping the small stream to their immediate left – until Adam announced the noon break. Hoss didn’t complain or even voice an opinion and simply got down.
The big man stood between Sport and Chubb as they lowered their heads to drink and looked out over the expanse of forested land before him. He didn’t know why he’d come back to Gobbler’s Ridge, there had been no reason for it other than he’d felt pulled there. It had played a part in the most devastating event in his life and reawakened the pain and grief and overwhelming sense of loss that he’d experienced that day. His brother was dead – mercilessly gunned down – and his mind and heart had been at odds with one another, and while the former had been forced to accept it he had known that the latter never would.
“Hardtack?” said the gentle baritone at his side.
Hoss looked at the hard, dry, rectangular shaped piece if thin bread being offered him. He didn’t really want it, but he took it anyway.
“I wish I had some of that stew from the other night,” Adam said as he looked distastefully at the piece in his hand. He bit into it and it crunched in his teeth. It was as dry as desert sand and about as palatable.
Hoss just stood, not eating, not talking, and only looking out in front of him. Adam felt like his brother wasn’t even aware of him anymore. A glimmer of hope came, that maybe now he could dig out what had been torturing his brother and had been keeping him awake nights.
“Are you ready to talk about it?”
“About what?”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Ain’t nothing botherin’ me, an’ even if they was I ain’t in no mood.”
“Hoss, this won’t get better until you open up to somebody about it, and I’m right here.”
“Ah, Adam, cain’t you never leave nothin’ alone?” Hoss said as he whirled on him. “Now I said they ain’t nothin’ botherin’ me, so leave it be.” He grabbed Chubb’s bit and the horse jerked his head at the suddenness then was led away.
Adam watched him go and heaved a sigh. Hoss was hurting, and he could see it more plainly now than ever before, he simply didn’t know what to do about it.
*******
Adam sat hunched over the campfire watching Hoss over the rim of his cup. Since earlier that day at the stream he hadn’t said a word, and he’d eaten next to nothing for supper, such as it was. Things had been going so well in town, especially that night, but after they had gone to Gobbler’s Ridge the bottom had fallen right out of the bucket.
“Freshen your coffee?” Adam asked as he held up the pot.
“No thanks, it’s fine.”
“Look, I’m sorry I badgered you today. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that, and I broke it, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, I know you meant well. You’re just tryin’ to help but I don’t need none. Now, I’m goin’ to bed.” He stood and poured his coffee onto the ground then put his cup with the pot and went to his bedroll.
“Good night, Hoss,” but he got no answer. He dropped his head and felt a growing ache behind his eyes.
“Good night, brother.”
Adam smiled and tiredly massaged the back of his neck. There was always tomorrow.
EIGHT
The sun hung behind dense gray clouds, its warmth unable to reach the ground.
The birds that had remained to brave winter’s fury huddled in the nearly leafless trees.
The blood curdling scream of a cougar sounded down from the hills.
“Dadburnit.”
The snow had fallen in the wee hours of the morning, draping about three inches over everything. It produced an ethereal landscape with its pristine beauty and camouflaged all that it covered.
Hoss finished pulling the blanket from over his head and sat up, shaking himself out. He’d been buried in the white stuff sometime after he’d finally fallen asleep and hadn’t been unaware of it until this very moment. As he looked around he caught sight of his brother sitting on the ground with his blanket wrapped around him, watching him. “What’re you grinnin’ at?”
“The first snowman of the season.”
“Very funny. Why ain’t you built a fire yet?”
“I didn’t wantta melt you.”
“Ha-ha. Well, you can start one now ‘cause I ain’t gonna melt an’ I’m hungry as a she wolf.”
“Truth is, the wood’s wet and won’t burn.” Adam said as he stood.
“Oh, fine, that mean’s hard tack and jerky for breakfast an’ no coffee.”
“Afraid so.”
Hoss got up and shook out his bedding then rubbed at the stiffness in his back. “Then we might as well git goin’ an’ not set around here wastin’ time,” he said as he brushed past his brother. “I’m ready to go home.”
“When did you decide that?”
“Last night, when I had trouble goin’ to sleep.”
Adam walked over to him as he was putting the saddle on Chubb. “Nothing’s changed since yesterday, you’re still hurting, and I can see that. And until you talk about it’s never gonna heal.”
“Like I told you then, they ain’t nothin’ to talk about.”
“Yes, there is, but you just won’t face up to it. Hoss, you had something happen to you like nothing else. You thought you’d lost a brother, and you looked down at him lying there without a face. As close as we’ve always been I know that had to tear something loose inside. Why do you think you haven’t been able to sleep?”
Hoss raised the fender and hooked the stirrup over the horn.
“Yeah, sure, it turned out not to be me,” Adam went on, “but for almost a month you thought it was, and you’re not over it yet. You’re gonna have to live with how that felt because nothing can ever make it go away.” He looked closer and saw something that he’d missed before and recognition dawned. “You’re afraid of it happening again and this time I won’t come back, aren’t you?”
“Would you just leave me alone?”
“No, I won’t because I can’t. You’re my brother, and I can’t let you go on like this. Hoss, it’ll only get worse, not better. You can only pretend it will for so long, but one of these days you’ll realize that it’s not going to. Look at me, Hoss,” and he took hold of his brother’s arm.
Before either of them knew what was happening, a huge fist landed square again Adam’s jaw. He staggered back from the power of the blow then promptly fell. An involuntary grunt left him as he hit, and pain ran through his head as it thumped the ground, and he sucked in air. His vision blurred and cogent thought eluded him as his eyelids dropped.
Hoss went the color of the surrounding snow as he saw what he’d done. “Adam!” and he was instantly at his brother’s side.
As he bent over his brother the image of a faceless man named Vince Decker flashed before him. “Adam, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” But Adam didn’t move and Hoss’ heart beat madly and threatened to choke off his rapid breathing. He’d just done the unthinkable and – in his anger, just as he had in the bunkhouse a year ago – had struck one of the most important people in his life. “Adam,” he said with a trembling voice and jostled him lightly but still got no response. “Don’t die on me, I cain’t take it if’n you do that again.” He raised his brother and held him to his chest like he was the most precious object on Earth.
Adam could hear his brother’s voice, but it was distant as he bordered on consciousness. He tried raising an arm but it wouldn’t cooperate. He wanted to tell Hoss he was all right, but that wouldn’t come either.
Hoss looked down into the dark, handsome face and felt like his world was surely coming to an end. Of all the stupid, senseless things he’d ever done this had to be the topper. He touched his brother’s cheek as his tears broke free and dripped at will, a couple landing in the heavy black hair. With trembling fingertips, Hoss gently wiped them away and the touch made them quiver even more.
As clarity continued to return, and Adam realized where he was, he felt safe in the solid arms that encircled him, safer than he had in a long time. The frantic pounding beneath his ear told him how frightened Hoss was better than any words ever could. “Hoss,” he said, but his face was pressed against his brother and it was stifled.
Long fingers closed on his arm, and Hoss looked down again, and there were those hazel eyes. It was as if the heaviest burden had been lifted off of him, but his fear only lessened a little. “Adam,” his hold loosened, “you all right?”
“Yeah, I think so. I just bumped my head a little bit, is all.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, Hoss, I’m sure.” He winced and inhaled sharply. “I’ve had worse gettin’ thrown.” A grin parted his lips. “You can let me go now.”
“Only if’n you’re sure you’re all right.”
“I’m sure.” With Hoss’ help he sat up, and his head throbbed slightly, but it was his jaw that hurt the most. He worked it with his hand from side to side and found that it wasn’t broken. “You still punch like a mule kicks.”
“I had no call to do that. I could o’ really hurt you bad.”
“It’s not like you haven’t hit me before.”
“I know, but I still had no call to do that. You was only tryin’ to help, an’ I haul off an’ knock you flat.”
Hoss helped him to his feet. He lightly touched the rapidly coloring spot on his brother’s strong jaw, and his nose wrinkled. “Does it hurt much?”
“No more than having a tree fall on you.” He grinned lopsidedly and gave Hoss a pat on the arm. “Now we’ll go home if you still want to.”
“I do, but first there’s somethin’ I wantta show you. I ain’t never showed it to nobody, not even Pa and Joe.”
“All right.”
Hoss rested a hand on his back, and they went to the horses. It didn’t take them long to get saddled up and get the camp squared away. As they started off one had a piece of hardtack and the other was gnawing on a strip of jerky.
They rode until they came to a narrow dirt trail – bordered to one side by huge pines – that led up to a steep bluff. It took them through rocks and snags and was fairly rough going. Sport followed along behind Chubb as they picked their way. Once a hoof slipped but the big chestnut was able to regain his footing without mishap.
They finally came out on top of the grassy bluff, now covered in snow. It was pretty much bare except for five pines bunched together off to one side and a large post standing out to itself. It immediately caught Adam’s attention, and he guessed it to be around seven feet tall and two around. It was tapered near the top and had been stripped of its bark. As they dismounted Adam went to the edge and looked out over the Ponderosa. As always, it was breathtaking and never failed to inspire awe in him. From here it was possible to see for miles, and it brought home how truly small a thing man was. He took a deep breath and reveled in the splendor and majesty as Hoss stepped next to him.
“Beautiful, ain’t it?”
“It sure is, and more than a little daunting. I don’t think I’ve been up here in a long, long, time, and with a view like this I can’t understand why.”
“Could be time an’ runnin’ the ranch an’ just livin’ got in the way.”
“Could be, but in the past few months I’ve come to see that we need to stop and look around us. We should never let ourselves get so busy that we fail to enjoy life and each other. If we do that then we lose precious time and waste moments that won’t come again, like this one.” He looked over at Hoss and a gentle smile tugged at the sides of his mouth and rose to the dark hazel eyes. “These days that we’ve been together have been like a rejuvenating tonic, I think for both of us. There isn’t a moment that I’d trade for all the silver on the Comstock.”
“You sure about that?” Hoss asked with a devious smirk.
That eyebrow raised and Adam rubbed his jaw. “Well, maybe one. And maybe that’s the point, that even in the good times, bad ones are gonna pop up, but it’s up to us whether we let ‘em spoil it or not.” He snorted and shook his head. “Sometimes it’s the bad ones that are most worth remembering because looking back on ‘em makes us seem ‘em for what they were.” He looked back out over that that was his home and had been for most of his life. “Once in a while we need to be reminded of that, but most of us don’t get that reminder until it’s too late. It was almost too late for me, but now that I’ve got a second chance I’m not gonna waste it.” He took a long draught of the crisp air and pushed his hat back with one thumb. “Now,” and he turned back to Hoss, “you said you have something you wanted to show me.”
Without a word Hoss started toward the pole and Adam followed. He stopped as his brother did and felt a chill that had nothing to do with the weather run through him as Hoss brushed the snow from the lettering.
The front of the pole had been planed flat and words carved deeply into it. Adam stepped closer and hesitantly ran his fingers over them. Adam Stoddard Cartwright Son, Brother, Friend 1830- they read. This was the second marker he’d seen and it was as much of a jolt as the headstone, possibly more because this he didn’t expect. Knowing Hoss as he did, though, he should have. “Why isn’t it finished?”
“Cause every time I started to put in the year you… died… my hands shook so bad I couldn’t. I used to think it was ‘cause I just couldn’t bring myself to put it there, but I’ve since learned better.”
“Learned better?” Adam said as he glanced around at him.
“I think someplace way down in me I knew that my brother was still alive, in spite o’ what I’d seen.”
It went quiet and only the blowing of the wind made any kind of sound. Hoss watched as Adam continued tracing his long fingers over the letters and could feel pride and love surge inside him. Pride in this tall, strong brother whose courage, integrity and indomitable will inspired him daily. Love for that same brother whose life revolved around his family and gave his all for them. Adam Stoddard Cartwright was his brother, and he was with them again.
Adam turned around, and his gaze connected with Hoss’ and a compassionate light filled his face. “I know what you’ve been afraid of, and the truth is that it could happen. The date on your monument could be filled in tomorrow, but we can’t go through our lives dwelling on such things, because when do we forget to live.” Adam stepped to him and turned toward the memorial again then put an arm around his brother’s shoulders. “Thank you, Hoss.”
“It ain’t much.”
Adam looked at him with shining eyes. “It came from here,” and he put his hand over Hoss’ heart, “and that’s what makes it so special and so beautiful. I can’t think of a nicer tribute, and you put it in the perfect place.”
“I wanted it somewhere that looks over the Ponderosa,” Hoss said with a glance back at his monument. “I think we can go home now.”
Adam’s arm tightened around him. “I know we can.”
Without any further talk they went to their horses and got mounted. A look passed between them that said it all and words would have simply gotten in the way. Hoss brought Chubb around and started down first. Adam gave the memorial a final look and knew that he would never come back up here. A feeling like someone had built a fire in his chest radiated throughout his entire being as he gave Sport a nudge, and they started after the black. They would probably be home right about nightfall, depending on how much of a hurry they were in, and he could hardly wait to see Pa and Joe. He would continue to store up memories to take with him wherever he went, but for now he was going home with his brother, and that was one of the most precious of all.
THE END