Decision of the Heart
by
Janice Sagraves

“Fellow citizens, we cannot escape history.” - - Abraham Lincoln, Annual Message to Congress, December 1862

ONE

Adam Cartwright ran the brush through his heavy black hair one last time and surveyed the image in the mirror looking back at him. “You’ve been a coward about this long enough,” he said as his fingers tightened until the stiff bristles dug into them. “And waiting only postpones the inevitable.”

He knew the kind of reaction this was going to bring, and he wasn’t looking forward to it, but there was no way around it. Tonight had to be the night. He had waited too long as it was. His heart and mind were already made up so what was he waiting for?

He tossed the brush onto the bed then spun on his heel and left his room. Briskly, he went down the hall but froze as he reached the top landing. Pa and Joe and Hoss were already at the table for supper and filling their plates. He had never dreaded anything in his life anymore than he dreaded this because of what it was going to do to those he cared so much about.

Throwing his head back, he jutted out his chin and drew in what a girl had once called ‘a stubborn mouth’ and started down.

“Well,” Ben started briskly, “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to join us.”

“I just had a few things I wanted to take care of first,” Adam said as he took his place across from his father.

“It doesn’t matter,” Ben took up a piece of roast pork, “but I’m glad I didn’t have to send Hoss after you.”

“An’ I weren’t in no mood o’ gittin’ up,” Hoss said around a mouthful.”

Adam reached for the bowl of creamed new potatoes but his appetite had completely deserted him, and he was only going through the motions. His movements were automatic, and he wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing.

“You plannin’ on goin’ into hibernation some time in the next few days?” Hoss asked.

Adam stopped what he was doing and looked into the clear blue eyes then his own followed their gaze to his plate. There was a mound of the tiny spuds piled high and the bowl was nearly empty.

“I’m sorry about that, Hoss,” he said as he began putting some of them back. “I guess I just wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing.”

“I’d say you haven’t been paying attention for several days. Yesterday you put your gear on Cochise,” Joe said and took a sip of his wine. “When you came back in the house I put it on the right horse.”

Adam’s dense brows lowered, and he focused on the meat.

“We’ve all seen that something is bothering you, son. It’s not every day that you go into the wrong bedroom twice. Maybe you’d like to talk about it?” Ben lifted his goblet but his coffee eyes stayed on his son.

“I don’t want to talk about it, but I have no choice. It’s long overdue as it is.” Adam’s hand clenched around the handle of his fork.

“It can’t be so bad as all that,” Ben said with a warming smile. “And sometimes we see that better when we get it out in the open.”

“I’m afraid Pa, as far as you and Joe and Hoss are concerned it is as bad as all that. You see...,” his eyes went from face to face, “I’m going east to join the Union Army and fight for what I believe in.”

Even the fire in the grate and the big grandfather clock seemed to stop. The silence was as loud as any din and nothing moved. Three sets of eyes were directed at Adam and eating was the last thing on anyone’s mind.

“What did you just say?” Ben asked but stayed perfectly still.

“I don’t think I need to repeat it, but for the sake of clarity I will. I’m going east to…”

“Forget it, I heard you the first time,” Ben said with a curt waving of his hand. “Adam, you can’t be serious.”

“I’m very serious, Pa. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been more serious about anything in my life. I’ve been keeping up with the war news in the Territorial Enterprise and things could be going better for the Union. They need men, Pa.”

“That may be so but they don’t need you. They’ve gotten along just fine without you up to this point, and I think they’ll continue to manage.”

“If everybody had an attitude like that…”

“If everybody had an attitude like that there wouldn’t be a war,” Ben blurted, his voice coming up.

“Don’t try telling me there isn’t anything you don’t believe in fighting for, because I know better. What about last year when the homesteaders were being forced from their land by Señor Luga’s men?”

“That was different – we had a stake in that.”

“And we have a stake in this too, so how was that different? You were following your heart and your ideals and doing something you thought would make a difference. So tell me, how is this so different?”

For several seconds Ben sat in total silence, his eyes directed to his oldest son’s face. “Because you’re my son.”

Adam felt deflated but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, let this stop him. “Other men have sons, and they’re fighting…”

“And dying,” Joe threw in.

“That’s right, Joe, men are dying, and I know I could too, but this is something I have to do.” He reached out and put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Try to understand.”

Joe’s eyes turned to green ice with tiny flames darting through them. His mouth set in a firm, even line, and he knocked Adam’s hand away. “What’s to understand? You’re being selfish again.”

Joe’s sharp words were like a cold slap in the face, and they stung but Adam would die before he would let his brother know that he had struck a nerve. “It would be more selfish if I sat back in the safety and comfort of this house while others fight and, yes, die, for my freedoms.”

“Enough!” Ben stormed as he stood and threw his napkin onto his plate. “I’ll not hear anymore about this. The war is not to come into this house. It did once before it even started and it drove a wedge between two of my son’s, and I won’t have that happen again.”

Now it was Adam’s turn to jerk to his feet. “I’m afraid you don’t have any say in this, Pa. I only told the three of you because you’re my family, and I love you, and I thought you should know of my decision…. And I thought you might be proud of it.”

“Proud?” Ben’s eyes went almost completely black. “I’ve always been proud of you, but how proud should I be if a telegram or a letter should come telling me that my son has been killed? And for what?”

After a long silence that seemed to spread out like a year Adam finally spoke softly. “All of us. Too many died forming this Union to let it go without a fight now.” Then he dropped his napkin on the table, pushed back his chair and went out the front door without another word or looking back at them.

Ben just looked toward where his son had gone and Joe just looked at his father. Hoss – who had remained silent the whole time – simply sat with his eyes riveted to his plate, his food having lost its appeal.

Adam’s long legs drove him across the yard and into the barn. He lit a lantern by the door then went to the stall where Sport was. He put his hand on the sleek chestnut’s rump and ran it along his back as he moved to his head. He took the velvety nose with one hand while he scratched between the horse’s eyes with the other.

Sport had been his companion since returning from college eight years ago when he wasn’t even a year old. He was a special horse, made all the more special because he had been given as a welcoming home gift from Pa. They had been through a lot together but Adam knew that had to change, and goodness knew for how long.

“I’m afraid you can’t come with me this time, son,” he said as he continued to scratch. “Where I’m going is no place for you.” He tittered ironically. “It’s no place for anybody, but the human race is known for not always doing very bright things. Animals are smart enough to run from a fire.” He let his hand rest on the white blaze. “And that’s what this is, a fire that’s consuming the country, and before it’s over it’s gonna take more lives…. Maybe even mine.” He turned his eyes in the direction of the house. “I’m sorry, Pa, but I have to do this. I know you don’t want to accept it, but that’s the way it is, and maybe someday I can explain it to you.”

His head lowered, and his eyelids dropped, and he rested his head against the horse’s face. His fingers tangled in the coarse red mane, and he couldn’t remember when he had ever felt so alone.

TWO

Adam had stayed out in the barn with the animals until late and his family avoided him like a biting dog. But now it was time to go to bed, and he could put off going inside no longer. He paused before the sturdy oak front door then took hold of the hammered iron handle and went quietly inside.

The second he did his eyes lit on his father sitting in his favorite red leather chair by the hearth. He was fingering the bowl of his pipe as he often did when he had something on his mind.

Gingerly, Adam pushed the door together behind him and started across the room. He naively thought he would make it without any further confrontation that night when his father’s low, even voice seized him from behind, and his hand tightened on the cap of the newel post.

“Of course you know we aren’t finished talking about this.”

“I kind of hoped we were, at least for tonight.”

“You’re not going to get off so easily.”

Adam’s fingernails dug into the contours of the cap piece and the muscles in his jaws knotted but still he didn’t turn around.

“Can’t you even face me?”

Adam whirled on his father and amber sparks glittered in his dark eyes. “What do you want from me, Pa? Do you want me to be the obedient, dutiful son that does only what you tell him to instead of following his conscience? What would you have me do?”

“I’d have you to think of your family instead of yourself.”

“Instead of my…?” His knuckles turned white and his pupils engulfed the hazel. “Pa, who do you think I’m doing this for? If I was thinking of myself I’d find the darkest, deepest hole I could and crawl into it. Thinking of myself? Pa, I could get killed, and I know it, but I think this is important enough for the risk. Don’t you?”

“Not this risk,” Ben said as he bolted from the chair. He threw the pipe onto the settee and stomped over to his son. “Adam, this doesn’t belong out here.”

“Oh, Pa, now you’re sounding like Angus MacCloud and so many others. You all need to get your heads out of the sand and look at what’s going on around you. There’s more to this country than the kingdom of the Ponderosa. Nevada may be a Territory now but I believe that it’ll someday become a state, and maybe sooner than a lot of us think. And what then? Would you want to live in a divided country?”

“To keep my sons safe I’d live on the moon.” He reached out and took Adam’s arm. His heart was breaking but he couldn’t let it show. He was the head of this family, and he had to remain strong for his sons and to protect them he couldn’t back down from this. “Adam, think about what you’re doing?”

“I have thought about it, Pa. I’ve thought about it long and hard and lost sleep over it. Now maybe the decision I’ve come to you don’t agree with right now, but I think it’s the right one, and I think you and Joe and Hoss will too someday.”

“I’ll never think this is right. How could I when it could take my oldest son from me?”

“Oh, Pa. Now who’s being selfish?”

Adam pulled away from his grasp and started up the stairs, leaving his stunned father to watch him go. As he started down the hall he froze as he found himself face-to-face with his brothers, both in their nightshirts. Joe just glared at him for a few seconds then went into his room and closed the door hard.

Adam stepped to Hoss and his demeanor softened. “You haven’t said a half dime’s worth of words since supper. Hoss,” and he gently took his brother’s arm, “this is something I feel strongly about. It’s something I have to do.”

“I know that, an’ Pa an’ Joe will too in time. But none of us are ever gonna like it.”

“I’m not too gone on the idea myself, but as much as I wish I could I can’t walk away from it. It’s too important.”

“I know that too.”

Adam’s smile reached the corners of his eyes, and his grip tightened on Hoss’ arm. “Thanks, Hoss. Whenever Pa and Joe are on the outs with me I can always count on you. Now you’d better turn in. We’ve that fence mending out on the East range in the morning, or have you forgotten?”

“I ain’t forgot,” Hoss said and his nose wrinkled with distaste. “Goodnight, Adam.”

“Goodnight, brother.”

Hoss grinned and gave a slight nod then went into his room and quietly closed the door. Adam shook his head and went into his own room and shut out the rest of the world. He went to the little writing desk and lit the lamp, enrobing everything in its soft, golden glow.

This was turning out to be as hard as he’d suspected it would be, maybe even a smidge more. He pulled his shirttail loose from his britches and started unbuttoning it. As he did his eyes caught on the small oil portrait of his mother on top of the desk.

“I wonder if you would understand?” he said quietly. “I like to think so.”

He stared at the little painting for nearly a minute then turned his back on her delicate visage and went on about undressing. But this wasn’t the worst of it. Telling his father and brothers that he would be leaving in just a few days was when the real explosion would come. He hadn’t had the guts to do it tonight and Pa hadn’t given him much of a chance anyway, at least that was the excuse he was using, and the inescapable had only been postponed. So far as they knew he had simply come to the decision of going on with this thing, not that he had gone ahead and done anything about it. And if he knew his father, and he did, Pa would go off like the charges used in the mines.

He peeled out of his shirt and hung it over the back of the chair then stretched his arms over his head and ruffled his fingers in his hair. It had been a long, hard workday, and he was looking forward to hitting the hay, though he doubted Pa’s words and his brother’s eyes would allow him to sleep much.

Sitting down on the side of the bed, he took off his boots and socks and eased out of his britches. He didn’t feel like fooling with a nightshirt so he put out the light and slid in between the cool sheets as was. The hope that sleep would come as soon as his head hit the pillow wasn’t to be forthcoming and came as no real big surprise.

“I guess I might as well just settle down into a long restless night,” he said into the darkness. “I’ll figure on a way to tell Pa that I’ve already made the first step toward this.” He snickered. “It’s gonna give me an idea of what to expect when I get East.”

He laced his fingers behind his head and directed his eyes to the ceiling. This was indeed going to be a long night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Breakfast had heard hardly any conversation, even when Adam initiated it, and it was usually with Hoss, who seemed less put out with his older brother. And still he hadn’t told them, since he had decided that evening would be better and give them some time before he hit them with the rest of it. Maybe a little cowardice figured into it as well.

After the meal – of which very little was touched – everyone went about their chores, with the oldest sons heading out for the East range as they had planned the previous day.

As Adam rode Sport alongside the big wagon his brother drove, however, any urge to talk seemed to have dried up and the silence between them was deafening. It was as if words had become redundant and would only get in the way.

They had been going for almost twenty minutes when Hoss finally broke the vacuum that surrounded them.

“Why you wantta do this? Why you wantta maybe go git yourself killed?”

Adam looked around, taking in his brother’s full face. It was all there, alive in those lucid blue eyes, the concern, the love and the miscomprehension.

“It’s really not so hard to understand?”

“Then you explain it to me. I know sometimes a man hasta do things that maybe other folks don’t understand, but they’s right for him. An’ even though he knows he could git killed he just hasta do somethin’ about it, but…”

“Hoss, you just explained it to yourself. I’m no longer content to just sit back and let others fight for what I believe in so strongly. How can I talk seriously about preserving the Union, abolishing slavery and the other issues of this war if I’m not willing to do something about it? It feels hypocritical.” Adam eased into quiet contemplation as he watched his horse’s head bob. “Hoss,” he looked back to his brother, “do you think I’m being selfish?”

Hoss sniggered and shook his head. “You don’t know the meanin’ o’ the word. A more unselfish person I ain’t never met.”

“Not according to Pa and Joe.”

“Ah, they’ll git over that, once they git used the idea o’ you goin’ off to fight so far away.”

“Will they? Will you?”

Now it was Hoss’ turn to reflect. His thoughts had been directed more toward Pa’s and Joe’s feelings about this than his own. Now he was being asked to take a look at how he felt. “No, I don’t think I will, what with me bein’ safe back here on the Ponderosa an’ you bein’…” He couldn’t make himself finish what his heart knew.

“It’s all right, Hoss, I know what you mean.”

They went into another lull but this one didn’t last quite as long.

“Have you thought about when you’re gonna go?”

Adam made a quick decision. “Yes…, I’ve already bought my ticket for the noon stage, and I leave for New York on Friday.”

Hoss’ head shot around and his eyes turned to onyx. This was on top of them more than any of them knew.

Adam couldn’t miss the wild look tinged with anger on his brother’s face. “I’m sorry, Hoss, I know two days is short notice, but I couldn’t tell anybody until I’d done it.” Then he watched as ire was replaced with sorrow and a thin, liquid film covered his eyes. Adam felt guilty for having done it this way, but his options had been limited, he knew his family too well. “Now let’s go finish that job. I have something to tell the rest of the family.”

Hoss did nothing more than slap the reins against the team’s backs and they picked up the pace. Adam’s dread was mounting. He still had to face Joe and Pa about this and it wasn’t something that filled him with any peace. But what had to be done had to be done whether any of them liked it or not.

THREE

Joe was just putting Cochise into his stall when Adam and Hoss drove in. His spine went taut when he heard his oldest brother’s voice. He wanted to have it out with that hardheaded Yankee, not so much for what he was doing to him or Hoss but for what he was doing to Pa. Their father had been quiet and sullen all day, which wasn’t like him. But when your son told you he was going to war how would any father react?

His fingers tightened on the scoop as he poured oats into Cochise’s feeding trough as the rich baritone drew closer. Hidden behind his horse, he watched as Adam came in and began unsaddling Sport.

Joe could feel the heat bubbling in his blood and gnawing at the back of his head. Why did Adam have to be so stubborn and set in his ways? He was like an outlaw mustang that refused to be broken, always determined to have his own way. Unbending, unwavering and undaunted, as usual.

The deep voice was soft and soothing as he talked to the big chestnut. It was obvious that he had no idea his little brother was there as he went about rubbing down the shiny red coat.

Joe was about to confront him when Hoss came in leading the team, so he stayed out of sight.

“I sure will be glad to git these two took care of an’ put this day behind me. You know, sometimes fence wire can be as stubborn and temperamental as a lot o’ women.”

“Ain’t it the truth,” Adam said then took Sport to his stall and got him settled, watered and fed. “I tell you what, I’ll help you with ‘em then I’ll finish out here and meet you in the house. Sound good?” He went to the big dapple gray mare and began undoing her harness.

“Sounds just fine.” Hoss sniffed the air. “An’ it smells like Hop Sing’s got duck for supper.”

Adam then sniffed and smacked his lips. “With sage-rice stuffing.”

They laughed then went about their chore. For a couple minutes there was no exchange of words then Hoss’ face went granite-like. “When you plan on tellin’ Pa an’ Joe what you done?”

Adam’s fingers froze on the buckle he was undoing. “I don’t wantta spoil supper again tonight, so I’ll wait until everybody’s finished. I’ve kept this from them too long as it is and they’re gonna know something’s in the wind if I leave without telling them.”

“Well, if’n you need me to back you up I’ll be right there, you know that.”

“Yes I do, and it’s good to know. Thanks, Hoss.” Then they went back about taking care of the big horses.

Once they had the animals in their stalls and the harness’ put away, Hoss went on to the house while Adam tidied up some. Joe came out and moved like a ghost and stopped behind him.

“What have you gone and done?” Joe asked frostily. “Or do I even need to ask?”

Adam turned quickly and could instantly see Joe’s mood in the sharp emerald eyes. “How long have you been here?”

“Long enough and don’t change the subject?”

Adam swallowed hard. He was caught, and he knew it, and he knew Joe wouldn’t let it alone. “Joe,” he put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, “I…” But before he could finish it was harshly swiped away.

“I asked you what you’ve done, but I don’t think I have to. You’ve… You’ve gone and done it, haven’t you?” The fire of his eyes became more intense. “You’re already in the Army, aren’t you?”

“Not yet, Joe,” Adam said mildly. “But I fully intend to be. I’m leaving at the end of the week.”

“Then it isn’t too late to back out of this.”

“No, but I’m not going to. My mind is made up to what I have to do and that’s just the way it is. I’m sorry, Joe, I never meant to…”

“You never meant to what? Hurt me? Well, it’s not me I’m worried about, it’s Pa. What do you think this is gonna do to him? Or haven’t you thought about that?”

“Joe, I’ve thought of little else.”

“Oh, you have? Then why don’t you come to your senses and call this whole thing off? What’re you trying to do, tear the heart out of this family?”

“Joe, you’re acting like we’re the only ones who’ve been touched by this war. What about the Lelands and the Pattersons and the Yarnells?”

”And now the Cartwrights? Does that make you feel better?”

“Joe, just calm down,” Adam said and reached out to him and this time found his hand brutally slapped aside.

“Calm down?” Joe stormed as he stamped away then whirled back around. “My brother’s going off to play soldier, so how can I calm down?” His fists balled at his sides. “Maybe I should go fight too?”

“You could, and I wouldn’t try to stop you,” he said as he stepped to Joe, “but I really wish you wouldn’t.”

“Oh, it’s all right for you but not me, is that it?”

“No, that’s not it. With me away Pa is gonna need you and Hoss more than ever. You know how he is to worry about us,” he tittered, “and I’ll feel better just knowing you’re here to look after him. I’ll be able to focus better on what I need to and it’ll give me one less thing to worry about, knowing that my brothers are here with him.” Hesitantly, he put his hand on Joe’s shoulder and this time it was allowed to stay. “I’m counting on you, Joe, like I never have…. Will you do this for me?”

Joe just looked at him through a veil of tears and felt all the pain, fear and anxiety close in on him. His brother was going away, maybe to never return, and there wasn’t time for anger and harsh words. He nodded wordlessly and his hands bunched even tighter.

“I knew I could count on you,” Adam said, and a encouraging smile came over his face.

Joe tried doing the same but it was a feeble attempt at best. Suddenly, he flung his arms around his brother and held him tightly. He could feel the strong body close to him as Adam’s grasp tightened about him and it hurt beyond words to think of losing his oldest brother.

“It’s all right, buddy,” Adam said as he patted him on the back. “It’s gonna be all right.”

Joe squeezed Adam closer to him and the burning tears ran down his cheeks as his eye clamped together. Adam had to come back, he just had to or nothing would ever be right again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Supper was interminable and drug by like a cold snail and brothers exchanged furtive looks. Ben picked at his food and his sons showed little more enthusiasm, even Hoss. Hop Sing moved around like a silent phantom and his obsidian eyes never made contact with any of theirs. What conversation there was mainly was confined to ‘pass this’ or ‘reach me that’, and Ben said nothing at all.

Adam caught a green glance followed by a blue one toward the end of the meal, and he knew that his brothers had his back and it was reassuring. The time for telling Pa that his eldest son had gone without his knowledge and made arrangements to leave was at hand and it made his mouth dry. But as much as he dreaded it, it would be cruel to Pa not to tell him and let him find out at the last second.

Ben was first up from the table, and as he passed on his way to the parlor Adam couldn’t be sure if he was being ignored or if his father was simply numb.

The leather of the red chair crackled as Ben took his place and looked into the flickering flames. Since the previous evening his mind had been preoccupied with what Adam had told him, and he had gotten little sleep and eaten even less. He tried not to think of it, he didn’t want to think of it, but that wouldn’t change anything. He had feared for some time that this would come, and he’d always suspected that when it did it would be Adam. Always more headstrong and steadfast in his convictions than his brothers, his eldest son was impossible to dissuade from something that he saw as right and necessary, even if his father didn’t. Now was no different, in that respect, but the outcome of this decision could have farer reaching consequences. Adam knew that and so did his family.

“Brandy, Pa?”

Ben was hardly aware when the fine-stemmed glass was placed in his hand, and his eyes never left the blaze contained in the hearth.

“Pa, there’s something I have to tell you.”

This Ben heard loud and clear and it set off a fuse at the base of his skull, and the intense coffee eyes came around. “I think you’ve told me quite enough already.”

“No, Pa, I haven’t,” Adam said as he shifted on the low table. “There’s something else you need to know.”

Ben looked deep into those hazel eyes, and he couldn’t miss the concern and dread alive there. Then comprehension came and Ben didn’t need to be told, he knew. Cold like being in a frozen lake wrapped around him and went clear to the marrow of his bones. His breaths came quick and jagged and rattled through him. “What have you done?”

“I’ve leaving for New York on the Friday stage. I’m going to enlist…. I’ve always planned to tell you but the time never seemed right or I wasn’t given the chance.” The corner of his mouth crooked.

Ben’s cutting eyes came around to his other sons sitting on the settee. “And how long have you known about this?”

“Just since today,” Joe said and gulped down his brandy.

Adam could see the rage building in his father as his face bleached, and the eyes grew more menacing than he could ever remember seeing them. Ben’s hand tightened on the delicate crystal stem until it snapped and the sound echoed through the room like a gunshot.

“How dare you!” Ben bellowed as he jerked to his feet and hurled the glass and it contents into the fire. It flared as the alcohol was consumed then settled down again. “Slipping behind my back like a common thief!”

Adam put his glass on the table and stood. “I didn’t want to do it like that, but I knew you wouldn’t see it my way.”

“So now you’re blaming me for your deceit!”

“I’m not blaming you for anything, but Pa, I knew how you would react to this.”

“So you slink off like a coward in the night and do something you know I heartily disapprove of!”

“It was broad daylight,” Adam said lightly with a lopsided grin.

But the levity was lost on Ben and only suited to stoke the inferno that blazed inside him. “Adam Stoddard Cartwright, this is no laughing matter! You lied to me!”

“I didn’t lie to you – I just didn’t tell you everything.”

“And that’s just as bad.”

“Pa, you can’t think I wanted it this way.”

“I don’t know what to think anymore. You’re not the son I raised. He wouldn’t have done this to me.”

Now it was Adam’s turn to blanch. “He would if his father was too obstinate to listen to anything other than what he wanted to hear. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going through with this and nothing you or anybody else can say will change that.”

“Is that your final word on it?”

“It is.”

“Then get out of my way, I’m going to bed.” He pushed Adam aside and headed for the stairs.

“Pa,” Joe said as he stepped forward.

But Ben kept right on going without answering or looking back. He trudged up the stairs then went down the hall and the house reverberated with the sound of his bedroom door.

The brothers gathered at the foot of the staircase and their eyes stayed directed up.

“He didn’t mean that,” Hoss said softly.

“Oh, yes, he did,” Adam said matter-of-factly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Adam was just about to blow out the lamp and crawl between the sheets when a knock came at the door. He huffed at the intrusion then put his britches back on and padded over to answer it in his bare feet. Opening it back he peered out at two disarmingly innocent faces. “I didn’t really think it was Pa. Well, you might as well on come in,” he said with a wide, sweeping gesture of his arm and ushered them in.

He closed the door behind them then went to the bed and plopped down on it. “I know you didn’t come in here just to pass the time, so out with it. And if it’s what I think it is you might as well not waste your breath. Pa won’t change his mind and neither will I.”

Joe sat on the foot of the bed while Hoss stood nearby.

“Isn’t there something we can say to keep you from going through with this?” Joe asked.

“No,” Adam said as he brought his legs up in front of him and wrapped his arms around them. “Joe, I didn’t come to this decision on a whim. When I sign that paper and put on that uniform I’ll be making a commitment, not only to the Government of the United States but to myself. Face it, brothers, I’ll be in the Army, and I won’t quit until it’s finished or…”

“Or you git killed,” Hoss finished.

“That is a distinct possibility, but I’ll make every effort to see that it doesn’t happen.”

“Then don’t go.”

“Joe, what did I just say? I won’t quit, it’s not in my nature, and you know that, or at least you should by this time.” He scooted across the mattress and sat next to Joe. “If it’ll make you feel any better, I don’t have any regrets. This is something I see as my duty, just like it’s your and Hoss’ duty to stay here and help Pa. Things won’t be easy until I come back home, but I think you’re both up to the challenge.”

Then those haunting green eyes lit on his elder brother’s face. “It’d be better if you were here to help us.”

Adam heaved a sigh and hugged his little brother close. “I know, but one positive in life is that there’s constant change, even when it’s so subtle we don’t notice. We’ll make it, I mean, after all,” his mouth spread and he slapped a hand against Joe’s chest, “we are Cartwrights and that counts for something. Now I think you’d both better turn in. We still have to get up early, just like always.” He eased off the bed taking his little brother with him. “I can just hear Pa with us sitting around the table yawning.”

“I’d rather not,” Joe said with a frown.

Gently, Adam nudged them out into the hall.

“Adam…”

“I know, Hoss.”

After a round of ‘good nights’ they went off to their rooms and Adam was once again alone. He pushed the door together then started back to bed, peeling out of his britches as he went. He gave them a fling onto the chair then extinguished the lamp and was finally allowed to turn in.

“Two days and two nights,” he almost whispered. “I have that much time left with my family.” His soft breath ran through the darkened room like a breeze. “I only hope Pa comes around.”

But it didn’t matter if Pa did or not, he was Adam Cartwright and giving up was not an option. He turned onto his side with his back to the window and simply stared into the night at a wall he couldn’t see. “Good night, Pa,” he said and closed his eyes. Maybe tomorrow things would be better.

FOUR

Breakfast was over and Hop Sing was in the midst of washing the dishes when the first-born came into the kitchen. The little man had known him long enough to recognize that long-legged, purpose-driven stride. This one had something on his mind and in light of what had taken place over the last couple of days he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was.

“Hop Sing, I need a favor,” Adam said as he came to stand at the sink.

“Whatever Number One son want,” Hop Sing said as he turned to face him drying his hands on his apron.

“I have something I want you to keep for me.”

“Anything for Mista Adam.”

Adam took an envelope from his vest pocket and looked at it for a few seconds then held it out to him. “I want you to put this someplace where it’ll be safe and if anything happens to me… I want you to… give it to Pa.”

Hop Sing felt a lump come up in his throat the size of a duck’s egg. His fingers twisted in the cloth of his apron and his black eyes set on what the eldest held. He fought back the emotion that was devouring and reached out and took the white envelope. Running his thumb over the yellow wax seal on the back of it he turned it over and his heart thumped into his mouth. Written across the front of it in strong, bold strokes was: To my family. To be opened if I am lost. His gaze rose and connected with the piercing dark hazel eyes that bore down on him.

“They aren’t to know anything about this; it’d only upset them more.”

“It be our seclet.” Then Hop Sing made a gesture as if locking his lips and put the imaginary key into his pale blue tunic.

“Good, man,” Adam said as he gave him a pat on the back. “I knew I could rely on you.” He snorted. “I have for eighteen years.” Then he gave another pat but only got as far as the doorway to the dining room when he stopped and turned around. “You’re more than just the person that keeps the house running…; you keep us running too and for that… thank you.” Then he smiled and the light twinkled in his eyes then he left.

Hop Sing’s fingers tensed on the paper packet. He looked down at it and his eyes hung on the words ‘…if I am lost’. He tried not thinking about it, but there it was in the distinctive script of the eldest, and he couldn’t deny that it could happen. So many had lost brothers and fathers and husbands and sons these days and the thought that it could happen to this family – his family – brought pain like nothing had since his parents had died when he was seventeen. Resolutely, he raised his head and went to his room. On the small chest by the door was a black lacquered box with mother-of-pearl inlays that had come all the way from Hong Kong with him. He raised the lid then tenderly placed the letter inside with his other treasures. His poignant gaze stayed on it for several seconds then he lowered the lid and his head drooped. “Please to take care of Mista Adam as he goes into the dragon’s teeth.” A sigh rattled through him then he went back out to the kitchen – closing the door behind him – he had work to do.

Adam stuck his hat on his head then went out toward the barn where he knew his father was. Joe and Hoss had gone with a couple of the hands to round up strays and generally check on the herd. He’d planned on going with them but at the last second decided to stay home and have it out with Pa. Since finding out that his son was definitely going through with this, Adam felt like an outcast, at least as far as his father was concerned. With Joe all was forgiven and there had never been a problem with Hoss and Hop Sing was always there, but Pa was a whole other matter and with his leaving so close at hand there wasn’t time to waste.

As he got inside he immediately saw that his father was working on his bridle, something he’d been unintentionally putting off. But now he worked methodically and steadily as he sat on a stool bent over his work.

With silent steps, Adam went to him and stood before him, but there wasn’t the faintest glimmer the he had been noticed. He waited until he decided that he was going to have to make the first move since Pa surely wasn’t about to.

“Pa.”

Ben froze momentarily – never looking up – then went back about his task.

“Pa, this isn’t helping anything. I’m sorry for the way I did this but…” He stooped and placed a hand on his father’s knee and all work stopped but still the coffee eyes never raised. “Pa, I’m going off to something as uncertain as anything I’ve ever faced, and I’d like to go with your blessing.”

This time the unyielding eyes came up and they made Adam flinch.

“My blessing?” Ben said harshly as his fingers gnarled in the leather stripping. “You’re going to sign your life over to somebody who couldn’t care less about it, but I raise you and love you and take care of you and for that what consideration do I get? You never even thought about me, did you?”

“Thought about you? I thought about all of you, that’s one of the reasons I did this. How many times do I have to say it?”

“Oh, don’t you dare pull that on me,” Ben said as silver flashed in his eyes. “You were thinking of Adam Cartwright and nobody else.”

“Pa, do you honestly think I wantta be shot at? I have been before, and let me be the first to tell you that I don’t really like it, especially when they don’t miss. But there’s a war going on, a war that the Union has to, must, win.”

“And do you think one person is going to make any difference?”

“He might, if he’s in the right place at the right time. It just all depends on what fate decides.”

“Fate?” Ben roared and slammed the bridle down onto the crate next to him. “Are you willing to put your life into the hands of fate?”

“Pa, all of us do every day. None of us knows what’s around the next corner until it gets here. And there’re no guarantees that we’ll like it when it does.”

“Now you’re talking like a child. Of course, we don’t know, we aren’t expected to, but that doesn’t mean we have to go walking blindly into things.”

“I know exactly what I’m walking into, Pa, and I know exactly what could happen because of it but I won’t turn away from what I see as my responsibility.”

“Your responsibility? And what about your responsibility to your family and this ranch? What about them?”

Adam’s head fell. “Here we go again,” he muttered.

“Yes, here we go again. And we’ll continue to until I can talk you out of this insanity.”

Adam’s head shot up, and his icy hard eyes zeroed in on his father. “You’re impossible to talk to.” He jerked to his feet and threw his arms into the air. “I give up!” He whirled and stomped to the doorway then threw his father a frigid glare. “I’ve leaving Friday on the noon stage. Hoss and Joe and Hop Sing are gonna see me off. I won’t ask you to be there, but I hope you can put aside your disappointment in me long enough to at least say good-bye. And you don’t even have to stay until I’m out of your sight.” Then he trounced out and the sounds of his heavy footfalls quickly faded.

Ben sat motionless, his hands clasped in his lap and staring after his son’s departure. He was furious, there was no denying it, but was he being too unwavering? This was – after all – his son, the first one he ever had, the one that had come all the way to this new land with him. Would it hurt him to give in a little? He brought one hand up and put it against his forehead. He couldn’t, and he knew why. He feared that if he gave in his son would go, and he would never see him again. He let his head fall against his palm and his shoulders slumped. “Why, Adam? In Heaven’s name, why?”

The front door banged open as Adam blew into the house like a west Texas twister. Hearing it, Hop Sing stepped from the kitchen just as the first-born bolted up the stairs taking two at a time. It would have been hard to miss the black, livid expression and the pout his mouth was drawn in to. As he disappeared down the hall and his bedroom door slammed, Hop Sing looked around toward the study window. Mista Ben wasn’t making this any easier on him, but Hop Sing couldn’t fault the elder Cartwright for he knew that his harsh words and unforgiving attitude were driven by fear more than anything. With a click of his teeth he shook his head and went back into the kitchen.

Adam stalked back and forth from bed to door and back, so mad he could bite. His hat was upside down on the mattress where he had thrown in when he came in and his boots clomped on the floor. He didn’t think he had ever been this infuriated with Pa. He’d tried to understand his father’s side of it, but right now it just wasn’t working. As he got to the headboard again he spied the hat and – with a groan – picked it up and threw it at the door.

“Why do you have to be so pigheaded?” he mumbled as he sat down hard on the bed and the frame squeaked. “I’m going and nothing you can say is gonna change my mind.” He groaned again and put his head in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. “But neither one of us would respect me if I did.”

FIVE

As soon as Pa left the barn Adam went out to saddle Sport. The customary task and being with his cherished mount soothed and erased some of the bitterness left by the confrontation. He talked in a gentle tone and the animal responded to the comforting voice and mere presence of one he had known and trusted for so long. A pat on the withers made the horse’s head come around and he gave Adam an affectionate nuzzle. With another pat he continued getting the horse ready to ride out after his brothers. If he could find them he would spend some time with them for they he at least felt comfortable around.

“Pa’s just being a sore headed old bear,” he grumped then snickered at the fact that he’d just used one of Hoss’ analogies. He snorted and shook his head as he pulled the cinch taut.

Once finished, he led Sport outside and – as he slipped his foot into the stirrup – his eyes strayed to the house. He thought earnestly about going in and trying one more time to talk sensibly to Pa, but with the mood he was already in he knew that he would probably only wind up losing his temper and saying something sarcastic – a thing he was known for – and that wouldn’t help anything.

Pushing himself away from the ground he swung his leg over his horse’s back and settled into the saddle. Again his gaze went involuntarily to the front of the house and he just sat there. “Ahh,” he growled and tugged Sport’s head around then they started out past the barn at a good clip.

The leggy chestnut ambled on trough the seemingly endless green of the countryside. Only where it met with the robin’s egg blue of the cloudless sky did the color change with more than a subtle difference in shade and hue. But he didn’t mind, and he certainly wasn’t complaining, it was beautiful and peaceful out here and it gave him a chance to escape from his running combat with Pa.

“From one war into another,” he said under his breath. “Don’t I have enough to worry about?”

He shifted his butt in the saddle and pulled the black hat down over his eyes to shield them from the bright August sun. A coarse breath ran through him and his hand clenched on the reins. There was no sense in Pa being so unreasonable and rigid. He grunted and his mouth skewed. “Like father, like son, hey, Sport?” he said and leaned forward and patted the satiny neck. The horse’s head nodded as if in complete agreement. “I figured you’d see it like that.”

Overhead, a hawk soared, his wings twisting slightly as he rode an updraft and surveyed all beneath him. In his world it was still and cool and his keen, alert eyes missed nothing. His head came down and his sight focused in on movement in a clump of scrub brush and as he circled around saw something come into the clear. His tail dipped on one side, and he gracefully banked in that direction.

Adam’s mind was miles away when the sounds of a scuffle cut through his reverie. Dragging back on the reins his hand dropped to his pistol as the horse came to an abrupt stop, and his head yanked around as a hawk took off with a rabbit dangling from its talons.

“Life and death, no matter where you go it’s always the same. Killing and being killed.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to think about what he was letting himself in for. Then he gave Sport a nudge and they were going again.

It took him about an hour to catch up to his brothers and the two hands that had come with them. He came up next Hoss and they watched as Joe had his hands full with a calf that wasn’t interested in being the slightest bit cooperative.

“I see you finally decided to join us,” Hoss said with a side glance at his older brother.

“I thought I needed to put some distance between me and Pa for a while.”

“Still won’t listen, huh?”

“Not one word. It’s like trying to reason with a fence post, only the post doesn’t argue.”

“Ain’t it so,” Hoss said with a snigger. “But there’s those of us that cain’t complain too much.”

Adam didn’t miss the insinuation or the wicked gleam in his brother’s eyes. “If you’re referring to me, I’ll have you know that I’m the most easygoing person on the face of the earth.”

Now it was Hoss’ turn to look incredulous. Then his hearty guffaws filled the air, and he punched Adam not so softly in the arm.

“I don’t know what’s so funny,” Joe said as he rode up to them in a state of frustration.

“What’s the problem, Joe?” Adam asked as his eyes darted clandestinely to Hoss.

“Did you ever try putting a rope on a calf that’s dead set against it and got more vinegar than it knows what to do with? I think I’d just as soon try roping a barn, at least it doesn’t wiggle so much.”

“I tell ya what, Joe, why don’t you let a couple o’ professionals show you how it’s done?”

“Meaning you and Adam?” Joe said with a disgruntled frown.

“I thought he’d never ask,” Adam said with a grin as he gave Sport his knees and was off.

“Wait for me!” Hoss shouted and took out after him.

“This oughtta be good,” Joe said as the hands came up alongside of him.

Adam and Hoss went slowly toward the recalcitrant little critter then split apart and came around on either side of it. When it came to horsemanship, Hoss was no slouch. He moved with the big black-brown Morgan he rode and defied all conceptions of what such a large man should be capable of in the saddle. His beefy hands deftly managed the reins and Chubb complied without question. But it was Adam that the eye would naturally be drawn to. Visions of a centaur could easily form in one’s mind as they watched him seemingly become a part of the animal. His knees conveyed subtle messages to the sleek red chestnut that only another such rider could discern. They moved with the grace and ease of a dragonfly flitting just above the ground as the brothers worked together as a finely tuned machine. Before it knew it the calf had been urged to rejoin the herd and a rope wasn’t used once.

Joe’s mouth set as they rode toward him. He knew he was going to get the taunting and teasing and older brother braggadocio from both of them. He leaned his elbow on the horn of his saddle and rested his chin in his hand.

“Now what was all this about a rope?” Adam said with a self-absorbed smirk.

To his ire, Joe had been right, the little brother baiting had begun.

“Am I gonna havta ride all the way home with you two like this?”

“No, no,” Hoss said as he crossed his arms on the pommel in front of him, “you can stay here and practice your ropin’ on trees if’n you’re a mind to, since they don’t ‘wiggle’ none, but me an’ Adam’s goin’ home to dinner. I don’t know about nobody else, but my stomach thinks my throat’s been cut.”

“I could do with a few biscuits myself,” Adam added.

Joe’s nose wrinkled as he eyed first one then the other. Yes, he was definitely in for it, certainly on the ride to the house and probably for the rest of the day and into the night. And maybe even longer than that, knowing his brothers as well as he did.

They came up on either side of him and the hands fell in behind and just as Joe guessed, it started in earnest as they headed off.

“You know, Hoss, you’re gonna have your hands full while I’m gone. What with workin’ hard and takin’ care of Pa and teachin’ our younger brother here all about cows,” and he rested a hand on Joe’s shoulder, “you’re gonna be real busy.”

“I know, without two real sharp minds like ours he just hasta work harder at it, an’ I just plain ain’t so sure he’s up to it.”

“Now that you mention it, you just may be right at that,” Adam said and gave Hoss a devious wink behind their brother’s back.

Joe’s head fell, and he pulled his hat down in front, and his head bobbled as the horse walked along. The hands looked at each other as the repartee continued and exchanged looks of pure amusement.

SIX

Since the run-in in the barn with Adam, Ben hadn’t been able to get at anything. His mind was so consumed by what was going on it was hard to concentrate. The repairs on his bridle he’d had to force himself to complete and simply because he knew it was necessary, but after Adam had stormed out everything else had faded into the background.

The house was filled with the delightful aromas if dinner and he figured that his sons would be home to eat before long. He loved his boys, and he enjoyed having them around him, but right now simply looking at Adam was torture. The image of him lying dead on the battlefield kept pushing itself into his mind and there was no escaping from it.

He was just starting up the stairs, his hand dragging along the banister, when he heard a wagon rumble into the yard. His face soured as he looked around; if it was one thing he wasn’t in the mood for it was entertaining guests. However, his life having been knocked into a cocked hat was no excuse for rudeness. Lacking any vigor, he went back down and crossed to the door.

Angus MacCloud, a big Scotsman with a thatch of disorderly chocolate-colored hair, was a neighbor who lived on his farm with his three daughters and one son, his wife having passed on four years previous. He sat on the wagon seat with his gaze directed ahead and at nothing in particular, and what caught Ben’s attention was the lifelessness to his usually sparkling sky blue eyes. Next to him his oldest daughter Laren, a striking nineteen-year-old, still held the reins. In the back were Robina, seventeen, and Fia, fourteen, and only the youngest resembled her father.

“Good morning, Angus,” Ben said as cheerily as he could muster.

“I don’t see what’s so bloody good about it,” Angus grumbled with a heavy burr, never once turning his dull eyes.

“I certainly wasn’t expecting visitors today,” Ben said as he stroked the nose of one of the horses.

“We went into Virginia City for supplies, and since we come right near here on our way home,” Laren said with a lighter brogue as she wrapped the leather strips around the brake lever, “I thought you would want to hear the news. You bein’ such a good friend of Papa’s and all.”

“What news?” Ben asked as he helped her down.

She thanked him and adjusted her lacy crocheted shawl about her shoulders. “We got a letter today.”

“From Callum?” he asked.

“No,” she said and batted her long black lashes. “It was from a friend of his, a Private Warren Buckley.”

A sudden knot formed in the pit of Ben’s stomach. Angus MacCloud’s oldest child and only son had enlisted in the Federal Army shortly after the shelling of Fort Sumter. He could still recall Angus’ ranting that Callum had better things to do than go off to fight in a war that had nothing to do with those out here in the Territories. But Callum had countered that it was everyone’s fight, and even though they weren’t a state they were still a part of the Republic. The parallel between what he was going through with Adam made him wince.

“It was to tell us that Callum was killed back in the first part of July. All this time thinkin’ he was safe and well, and we only just got the letter today tellin’ us he’s never comin’ home.”

Ben swallowed back the lump that forced its way into his throat. “I’m terribly sorry. Where did it happen?”

“Outside of Richmond in Virginia,” Laren said as she swiped at a soft mouse brown strand that had fallen over her forehead. “He was shot in the stomach but died a day later without ever openin’ his eyes again.”

“Callum was a fine young man, and I really am very sorry,” Ben said as he reached out and took the girl’s hand.

“Of course your are,” Angus said scathingly. “You’re sons are alive and well and safe on the Ponderosa so you can afford to be generous. My son – the son of a poor man – can go to fight and die, but a rich man’s son is too good for it.”

“Papa, Mr. Cartwright is your friend,” Laren said.

“Quiet, lass.”

“Angus, that’s never come between us before so I know you don’t mean that,” Ben said as he released her hand and stepped closer to the wagon.

“Don’t I? My son – the only one I had – is lyin’ dead so far away and yours are here unwillin’ to make the same sacrifice. But you don’t need to feel so bad, they aren’t the only ones.”

“Angus, I don’t think…”

“Let’s go, lass. We need to be gettin’ on home.” Then he directed his biting, indignant eyes straight ahead and away from Ben.

“Yes, Papa.” She turned back to Ben and lowered her voice as she hugged him. “He doesn’t really mean that.”

“I know, and I might say the same things in his place.” The thought that he could find himself in the same place chilled his insides.

She thanked him once more then he helped her up onto the seat. He stepped back as she took the reins and got the wagon turned and started out. He stood and waited until they were gone then, with a deep, cumbersome breath, he turned and went back into the house. “I am sorry, Angus,” he said as the front door latched behind him.

As he stood there his mind raced as he tried collecting his thoughts. Things were happening so fast, too fast for him to keep up with, and he felt it would run him over for sure. Maybe if he went up to his room and lay down for a little while the whirling in his head would stop or at least slow some and allow him to sort things out.

He resumed his journey back up the staircase and drug himself down the hall, forcing his legs to do his bidding. As he entered his room the first thing his eyes set on was the heavy walnut dresser against the opposite wall from the big four poster bed. He stepped to it and opened the top drawer farthest to the right. Inside were all sorts of mementos and keepsakes that he had collected over the years. Gingerly, he scrounged through them: the brooch he had given Marie on their third wedding anniversary, the first tooth Joe ever lost, the little rabbit that Hoss had carved for him from soft pine when he was ten. Then his eyes found what he sought. He picked up the age-yellowed envelope and carefully opened it. His fingers probed inside and came out with a lock of raven hair that had been clipped from his infant son’s head a week after his birth. He rubbed it between his thumb and index finger and closed his eyes and let a different image come from a day so far away. He stood before a roaring fire in the stone fireplace in the sitting room of the Stoddard home that had become his home when he and Elizabeth had married. In his arms he held a small, dark bundle taking deep baby breaths as it slept securely against its father’s chest. He had examined the tiny, perfectly formed hands and fingers and marveled at the finely sculpted mouth he had gotten from his mother.

Ben’s hand clutched the wavy black hank until his fingernails bit into the palm of his hand. “How could you have ever thought for one second that you hated him?”

But it was true. For a brief period Ben had blamed his son, his gift from God, for the death of his young wife and for two days he wouldn’t even pick him up. Even the Captain’s coaxing alternating with stern rebukes couldn’t change his firmly planted mind. Sometimes he would stand over the cradle and glare down at the innocent, unsuspecting life and wonder why the child had lived and Elizabeth hadn’t. Then on the third – after much soul searching – he finally held Adam for the first time and those clear, dark blue eyes had cast a spell over a new father.

“I love you, son. Oh, how much I love you, and if I could go in your stead I would.”

He clasped the precious token to his heart and wept silently in the serenity of his chamber and felt all the severe words and anger that had ever been between them – especially that of the last few days – slam against him. Yet, painful as it was, it spoke of the nature of these two men who were more alike than they were different, but if he should lose Adam it would torture him forever.

“Maybe I have no right to ask this,” he said as he raised his tear streaked face to the ceiling, “what with so many other fathers losing their sons to this terrible war, but please take special care of my son.” His hands wadded even harder. “Of all our sons.”

As he stood there a loud, blustery commotion came into the house, and he looked toward the doorway. His sons were home and the sudden urge to see them consumed him. He put the swatch of hair back into its envelope and put it securely away with the other things then he bounded from the room as if his very existence depended on it. He moved swiftly to the head of the stairs, his sons’ voices filling his ears and his heart, and he stopped dead on the top landing. Dark hazel eyes met with his as the brotherly chatter ceased and they simply looked at each other.

Ben hurried down – his pulse growing faster, though not alone from the exertion – and moved to where his sons stood by the bureau. He stopped in front of Adam and they continued just looking at each other.

“Adam, I’m sorry. We have too little time to waste it on a petty disagreement.” Ben held his hands in front of him, and his fingers twined. “Please forgive me.”

One side of Adam’s well-defined mouth turned and the corners of his eyes crinkled. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

Without any words or indication of his intentions, Ben threw his arms around his oldest son and wished he was that tiny bundle again.

For one of the few times since his childhood, Adam welcomed the embrace and found himself leaning into it. His father was right, there wasn’t much time left to them, and this wasn’t the time to turn away the sustaining love of the man who had raised him and always been there for him. His arms tightened around the strong back as he closed his eyes in an effort to contain the tears that burned there, but one broke loose just the same and trickled down his tanned cheek.

Joe and Hoss just stood and watched. Moisture filled their eyes and they exchanged looks of quiet contentment.

No one noticed as Hop Sing ducked back into the kitchen. He went straight to his room and took the miniature jade dragon from the table by his bed and moved to the small chest. He had meant to do this since the day before and this reminded him. He opened the lacquered box and put the little piece of precious gemstone on top of the letter that Mista Adam had given him for safekeeping. Then his head dropped, and once again he asked all the ancestors to watch after Mista Adam.

SEVEN

Adam was at the foot of his bed stuffing a few things into a red carpet bag when a knock came at his bedroom door. “Come on in,” he said without stopping.

It was Joe and his face fell as he came in. “What’re you doing?”

“What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m packing.”

“I can see that, but you don’t leave for another day.”

“I’m well aware of that, Joe, but I just wanted to go ahead and get it done and that way I won’t have to worry about it tomorrow.”

“So what’re you fellas up to?” Hoss said energetically as he stepped in behind his little brother.

“Just like I told Joe, I’m packing.”

“But you don’t…”

“Leave for another day,” Joe and Adam finished in unison.

“I’ve got that one day left with my family,” Adam went on, “and I don’t want to spend it getting things together and having to worry about it. So I thought I’d go ahead and do this now before turning in.”

The room went silent as Adam continued stuffing things into the soft, limp satchel. It was obvious that this simple task was unnerving and Hoss moved closer to the bed while Joe stayed by the door.

Adam stuck in one last pair of under drawers then closed the carpet bag and fastened it then sat it next to the chair. “Well, that takes care of that.”

“You ain’t takin’ much,” Hoss said.

“The Army’ll give me everything I need, and I don’t think Sport would fit in there anyway,” Adam said flippantly as he turned around. He couldn’t miss the stark expressions on his brothers’ faces and no one had to tell him what was going through their minds. “I thought I’d read a little before putting out the light, but I can do that any time.” He sat on the side of the bed. “Maybe you’d rather talk? I think we need to.”

“So what’d we talk about?” Hoss asked as he came still closer.

“Anything you want.”

“Do we have to talk about this?” Joe said as his eyes flitted to the carpet bag,

“Not if you don’t want to. And to tell the truth, I’d rather not myself.”

Hoss picked up the wingchair and brought it away from the window then sat himself in it, but Joe stayed by the door.

“Come on, Joe,” Adam said with an ample grin. “You can’t join in the conversation very well from all the way over there.”

A smile spread from ear to ear as Joe pushed the door together then joined his brother on the bed.

“Now we can talk about things like roping calves and how to know when you don’t have to,” Adam said and his eyes danced puckishly in the lamplight.

“And what smart brothers you got,” Hoss added.

Joe bent at the waist and hid his face against the mattress. “Not again,” he muttered.

Ben finished extinguishing the last of the lamps downstairs and banking the fire then started up to bed. Everything was locked and the shutters in the dining room were secure. His steps were long and fatigued and he just wanted to climb under the covers and call it a night. A weary smile adorned his face as he recalled earlier that day and the feeling of his son in his arms. Nothing had changed as far as his not wanting Adam to go, but he had realized that being a hardheaded mule about this wasn’t helping and it was wasting precious moments before Adam left. And not only that, he didn’t want to part from his son with anger and a bitter exchange of words as Angus MacCloud had.

As he drew closer to his own room he thought he caught the sound of muffled voices, and he stopped to listen, his hand resting on his door knob. There was a brief pause, and he heard nothing then there was Hoss’ healthy laughter. It was coming from Adam’s room, and he decided to check it out.

The bedroom door opened slightly, and Ben’s silvery head poked inside. “Come on in and join us, Pa,” Adam said and beckoned him forward with waggling fingers. “It’s been a rather lopsided conversation anyway.”

“Thin in spots you might even say,” Hoss added.

“Yeah, Pa, there’s plenty of room,” Joe said and patted the mattress.

Ben didn’t have to give it a second thought as he came in and closed the door. Joe scooted over and made a space for his father at the foot of the bed.

“So, what were you three talking about when I interrupted?”

“Annie O’Toole,” Adam said as he leaned back against the headboard, “and Swede’s lost tools.”

“Oh, that,” Ben said as his face fell with mock consternation.

“Well, you have to admit she had the right idea,” Joe said with a quick glance at his oldest brother. “Like I told Hoss, Spain was a crook if ever I saw one.”

From there the conversation – filled with laughter, good natured ribbing and fond reminiscences – picked up pace and ran into the small hours. And no one took any notice of the time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time the dawn light was breaking over the horizon and seeping into the house, it was quiet for the most part. Joe had moved to the side of the bed with his head on the pillow and was humped up and sound asleep and Hoss had drifted off in the chair, his snoring disrupting the silence. Adam sat at the foot of the bed next to his father, both leaned back against the footboard, legs outstretched. A plate littered with bones – the last remnants of the previous night’s leftover fried chicken – sat on top of the little writing desk.

Some time before daybreak the lamp had been put out and only the rosy blush of morning filled the room. Father and son sat lost in the moment, looking out the window to the lightening sky.

“Thursday,” Adam said softly as he dared to break the spell.

Ben’s chest tightened and his breathing staggered. Yes, it was Thursday, and he knew only too well what that meant. He felt a steady, warm hand clasp over one of his, and his pulse quickened as he looked down at it then around into compassionate eyes.

“No matter how far away I am or how long I’m gone I’ll always carry this time with me,” Adam said and his hand squeezed. “I’ve been blessed to have you and Joe and Hoss and doubly blessed that you’re the man you are. It’s because of you that I’ve grown into the kind of man I hope you can be proud of…. If I’ve ever been a disappointment, I’m sorry.”

“A disappointment?” Ben’s throat constricted. “None of my sons have ever been that and because of who and what they are they could never be.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his endless eyes. “And I can’t take all the credit for it, I’m afraid.”

“But you got us off on the right foot and when we got out of line you were there to knock us right back into line,” Adam said with a toothy grin.

“I wouldn’t exactly use the word knocked.”

“I would. I still remember those necessary talks…. Sometimes love has to be hard, and while we may not completely understand that when we’re children, we do when we’re grown and can look back on it…. Pa, if not for you, it frightens me to think of how I could’ve turned out. When I was a boy, I wanted to be just like you, and I always wanted you to be proud of me…. My wanting to go to college wasn’t only for me…, it was for you too.” And then his mood suddenly changed. “But enough about that,” he said cheerfully. “You know what I wantta do today.”

“No.”

“I wantta go to the lake and just look at it and enjoy it. All four of us and Hop Sing. Stuff a basket clean full of food and wine and just make a day of it. No cattle, no fence, no books and no work. I just wantta idle in the warm sunshine with my family around me and not think about the future. Maybe that’s too much to ask.”

“It isn’t at all. In fact, I think it’s a wonderful idea.” Ben’s lips spread into a crooked grin. “And if I know Hop Sing, he’ll go all out with Mista Adam’s favorites.” He put his arm around his son’s shoulders. “There won’t be any talk of war or work or business of any kind and the first person who does…”

“Another necessary talk?” Adam said with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s right, son,” Ben said as the morning light cast pink over his face and softened his eyes. He pressed Adam closer to him and looked back out the window. This was going to be a splendid day, and he was going to enjoy it and his sons to the fullest. His cares and worries had no place in it – there would be plenty of time for that later. This was going to be their day, and he wouldn’t let the world in to spoil it.

EIGHT

“Come on, you two, before the day gets away from us!” Adam shouted from Sport’s back.

“All right, we’re comin’, we’re comin’,” Hoss said testily as he came out of the house carrying a large hamper.

Hop Sing came out behind him with a smaller basket and closed the door. “You keep shirt on, you in too much hurry. I thought this supposed to be slow day?”

“Well, so far it has been,” Joe said with a smirk as he got mounted.

“It take time to fix good things to eat. Hop Sing not magician,” he said as he raced ahead of Hoss and put the basket into the back of the buckboard.

“Anybody who’s ever eaten your cooking would think you are,” Adam said as his eyes glittered impishly.

Hop Sing grinned and climbed onto the seat and Hoss sat next to him.

“All right, let’s go, time’s awastin’,” Ben said and he nudged Buck on.

Hoss slapped the reins against the team’s backs and Joe and Adam came along behind and they headed out. It was getting close to eleven o’clock but they were finally on their way.

Ben was quiet, he simply wanted to listen to his sons’ easy banter, most of it teasing aimed at Joe and having something to do with how to herd calves.

“It’s really quite simple,” Adam started, “you just sit back and let the horse do most of the work, which is a good thing because they don’t know how to use a rope.”

“Neither does our little brother,” Hoss quipped.

“Don’t the both of you ever get tired of listening to yourselves?” Joe snipped.

“Nope, I kinda like the sound o’ my own voice,” Hoss said. “It keeps me company.”

“Well, with company like that I think I’d rather be alone,” Joe said with a giggle.

“Then you’ve got no problem,” Adam said evenly.

Ben had to bite the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

“Oh, I’ve had it with you two; I’m going up with Pa.” Joe nudged Cochise into a trot and went forward with his father.

The rest of the ride was more restrained as they simply let the day take them in. The air carried the strong fragrance of late summer and soft wind sang in the trees and an occasional cool gust made it down from the mountains. Once a long, ragged v-formation of geese heading south flew overhead and their lonesome honking filled the senses.

Adam took special notice of them and the thought that maybe they weren’t the only ones heading south flirted with his mind.

They weren’t eager to end the relaxing ride but they did want to get where they were going so it wasn’t long before they reached their destination. Ben had chosen a grassy area overlooking the lake and filled with scattered pines and their scent hung like invisible smoke. In their shade the heat and glare from the sun was softened and it was a perfect spot for what they had planned.

Adam was the first to dismount and stepped to the edge of the clearing while the others got down and started unpacking and setting things up. He looked out across the shimmering water that was only slightly darker than the sky. He soaked up the sight for it would have to last him a long time then closed his eyes to seal it into memory.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” said a powerful voice at his side.

“Yes, it is,” Adam said as his lids rose. “It’s always been my favorite spot on the Ponderosa. I like to come here to think and escape from my problems if only for a short time.”

“I know, and I figure if a man’s going to be away from home for a while he should come to a favorite place before he leaves.”

Adam felt the solid, reassuring hand on his back and it caused a quick intake of breath.

“Now what say we get to that food before Hoss eats it up from us?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Adam said with a slight grin as he turned to his father. “I’m glad we came.”

“So am I, son,” Ben said and put his arm around his shoulders then gave him an affectionate smack against the chest and they rejoined the others.

The talk over good food and drink was light and filled with remembrances and jollity and never once – as promised – touched on what faced them all. Satisfied and with appetites sated they settled down and just reveled in nature and each other’s company. Hoss had found himself a patch of warm sunshine and gone to sleep in it while his younger brother and father talked quietly over a glass of red wine and Hop Sing began putting some of the things back.

Adam had gravitated toward the lake again and stood looking at it as he sipped his wine. A happy bird twittered and tweeted nearby but he didn’t really feel it. With another sip his head turned left and – with a second’s hesitation – he walked into the trees. He knew where he was, after living here most of his life he’d be worried if he didn’t, and his long legs carried him through the tall grass, but he was in no hurry to get where he was going.

The pines here were dense and towered like imposing sentries, but they soon gave way to another, smaller clearing that also had a view onto the lake. Adam stopped as he stepped into the edge of it, and his eyes went right to the well kept grave enclosed by a white picket fence. He finished his wine in one chug then walked forward. He looked down at the neatly manicured mound, now covered with thick green grass then his eyes rose to the weathered headstone and the words etched into it. “Hello, Marie,” he said as he opened the squeaky gate and went inside the enclosure. “It’s been a while.”

He moved to the headstone and ran his fingertips over her name and the date that would live in his mind for as long as he breathed. The sight of his golden-haired stepmother riding with careless abandon into the yard of the house they lived at before came back fresh. His hand tensed on the glass as he once more saw the horse go down and roll over top of her. He and Pa had been the first to her and – though he had kept it to himself – he had known there was no hope. And later when Paul Martin was called out he had only confirmed it. “August sixteenth,” he said aloud. “That’s day-after-tomorrow.” He sat the glass on the nearest corner post of the little fence and stooped, his arms resting on his knees and his hands dangling between his legs. “I’m afraid I wasn’t very nice to you when you first came and for a couple years after that, and I won’t use my age as an excuse.” He sighed and riffled his fingers in his hair. “You were more patient with me than I deserved, and you never raised your hand to me.” He chuckled and shook his head. “No, you let Pa do that. Maybe because he was better at getting a boy’s attention.” Then he went solemn again and dabbed at his right eye. “I don’t like thinking about the time that was wasted because I was too stubborn to give in. But a friend opened my eyes for me and made me see what was right in front of me. You were as much my mother as Inger was and the one that gave me life. At least you I had for a little while longer and that’s why it hurt so much when I had to give you up way too soon. You and Inger were always there when I needed you and a boy can’t ask more of his mother.” Another deep breath ran through him. “I miss you, and I wish you were here with us. I do so need some of your understanding and gentle guidance right about now.” His eyes closed as his head fell, and his hands crunched into fists.

Ben stood just inside the trees watching his son – having heard most everything he said – and his heart was near breaking. He wanted to go to Adam and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be all right. But how could he do that when he couldn’t convince himself of it. He wanted to believe more than anything that his son would be all right, but after what had happened with Angus MacCloud he knew more than ever that it was a very real possibility that he could find himself in the same position. But he would never give up hope, and he would never stop praying for the safe return of his eldest child. He silently mouthed the words ‘I love you, son’ then he quietly turned and started back through the trees.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The ride home was quieter and more reflective than the one going out to the lake. Adam hung back from his family with the space between them steadily increasing as they went. Ben – again riding up front with Joe – continually looked back at him.

“He’ll be all right, Pa,” Joe said softly. “He’s just got a lot on his mind.”

“I know,” Ben said and finally turned back around. “And I haven’t made things any easier on him. I’ve behaved like a spoiled, petulant child about this.”

“No, Pa, you’ve behaved like what you are, a father that’s afraid of losing his son to something he can’t fight. You’ve seen it happen to other men and it scares you to death that it could to you too, and I think Adam understands that better than you think.”

Ben grinned fondly. “Maybe you’re right.”

“We both know I am.” Joe glanced back at his brother. “We just have to let him do this in his own way.” Joe snickered. “Not that he’s ever done anything any other way, but this is the most important thing he’s ever gone at and we can’t very well go with him.”

“Not that he’d want his father trailing along after him,” Ben said with an ironic laugh.

“You might be surprised about that,” Joe said sincerely. “He hasn’t come right out and said anything, but I’ve seen.”

Ben took in every inch of his youngest son’s face then he smiled. “Thanks, Joe.”

“Don’t mention it, Pa.”

They settled quietly back into the ride and Ben thought over what had just been said to him. Joe was right – he had been behaving like a father, one who desperately loved his son. But in his desperation he had made things even harder on Adam and now he had to come to terms with it. Air filled his lungs as he rubbed his eyes then turned around in the saddle and looked back at his oldest son.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Adam sat at the table in an obscure corner of the front porch. The day had been everything he had hoped it would be, a time he would long remember and not soon forget, but it had ended all too soon. As his father had said he would Hop Sing had gone all out on the food, fixing many of the first-born’s favorites, including chocolate cake with fluffy white frosting. He smiled and could actually taste it again.

But it faded and the contentment was once more tainted. After returning home Pa had told them about Callum MacCloud and the visit from his family. He had always liked Callum, since he was a teenager. Not as big and imposing as his father and colored more like his mother, as his sisters Laren and Robina were, he nonetheless had Angus’ indomitable will and his own fervent sense of right and wrong. Since the stirrings of war had begun back in the fifties, Adam and Callum had talked much on the subject. The fact that the young man had gone into the Army on the side of the Union came as no real big surprise.

“Men fought and died to build this country,” he could hear Callum saying once again in that soft burr of his, “and now men must fight and die to keep it whole. And if it is deemed that I must fall for that cause, then so-be-it. I cannot not sit by and do nothing. I only wish my father could see it that way.”

Adam made a fist and the chair creaked as his weight shifted in it. He had thought that his own father was going to be as unbending and they would part company without anything resolved and only bitter feelings between them, as it had been with Callum and his father. And it was headed that way until the previous day, and he suspected that the MacClouds coming by had much to do with it. The left side of his mouth turned and made the corner of his eye crimp. He hadn’t missed Pa trying to make up for the past couple days and his attitude that had put up a wall between them. But that wall had come down and love and support stood where it once had. Now he could go without the fear that things would never be the same between them.

He heard the distinctive sound of the front door latch then boots against the hardwood planks. Sitting perfectly silent and motionless, he watched as his father came out and stopped at the edge of the porch and stood for several seconds then looked about him. Still, Adam didn’t move and let himself blend into the inkiness. Then his father did something he didn’t expect. He got down onto his knees and clasped his hands in front of him as his head bowed and his voice filled the quiet, soft and unintelligible. Adam’s heartbeat picked up and his eyes burned with acidic tears that clouded his vision, but still he didn’t let it be known he was there.

After a few minutes, Ben got back to his feet then looked to the sky and said a heartfelt ‘Amen’ then went back inside. The door closed and once again Adam was by himself. Now it was his turn to say a prayer for the wonderful family he had been blessed with and to sustain them through the time that they would be apart.

NINE

Adam came down the stairs with his carpet bag. He stopped on the landing and just looked around him. How much had happened since they had moved into this big house? None of his mothers had lived to see it, Joe and Hoss had spent a good part of their younger years in it and it had seen much joy as well as its share of tragedy. The big hearth was cold and the shutters in the dining room had been thrown open to let in the bright morning light.

With a ragged breath he finished his descent and went to the bureau and sat the carpet bag on it then took his hat from its customary peg and put it on then his gun belt. True, the Army would furnish him with a gun but he felt naked without it and it was a long trip and anything could happen along the way, so it was best to be prepared. He picked up his valise then went to the door and as he started to back out he stopped and his hand tightened on the door handle.

“Good-bye, old friend. Until we meet again,” he said and lingered a few seconds, then went out and closed the door behind him.

Adam went straight to the buckboard where Hoss and Hop Sing waited for him. Ben and Joe stood with their horses nearby.

“Are you ready, son?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” Adam said as he handed his carpet bag to Hop Sing, who sat in the back, then turned to his father again. “Since we’re getting a pretty early start and it’s not so far out of our way, I’d like to stop and see Angus MacCloud.”

“Angus? Why?”

“I guess I just want him to know how I feel about Callum before I go…. I may not get another chance… for a while.”

“He may not want to talk to you,” Ben said as he stepped closer to his oldest.

“Well, if he doesn’t I won’t force him to, but I need to at least try.”

“All right,” Ben said and gave him a fond slap on the shoulder then went to his horse and rose into the saddle.

Adam sat next to his brother and caught those clear blue eyes and the familiar gap-toothed smile and it took some of the edge from his anxiousness.

Hoss gave the reins a flick and they started on their way, Ben and Joe flanking them.

It was the kind of morning that made a man glad to be alive. The sky was the most vivid blue and the air was filled with the buzzing of bees and trilling of birds and vibrated with life. The leaves of the trees waved as if bidding adieu and the sharp breezes swelled lungs and cleared heads.

It didn’t take long to get to the MacCloud house. It was just big enough for the four people who lived there, but had been a snug fit when Callum and his mother had still been with them. As the Cartwrights rode into the yard Laren came out of the barn carrying a pail of fresh milk.

“Good mornin’.” She came around in front of the buckboard. “Now it’s our turn not to be expectin’ visitors,” she said with a stifled smile that quickly vanished. “Have ya come to see Papa?”

“Adam wanted to talk to him,” Ben said.

“I’m afraid he won’t be very pleasant to talk to. He’s still too angry over Callum, and I think maybe some at his own self.”

“I understand that,” Adam said as he came around to her. “But I’d still like to try.”

“All right, but try not to let what he says bother ya.”

“I won’t,” Adam said then he turned to his father. “I’d like to do this alone, if it’s all right.”

“We’ll wait right here.”

Adam took the pail from Laren and brooked no arguments from her then followed her onto the porch and opened the door for her. Inside it was gloomy and the light was filtered by the drawn curtains. Shadows draped over the spare and much used furnishings and stale cooking smells from breakfast still hung in the stuffy room. Angus sat slumped in an aged rocking chair in front of the dormant fireplace with his back to them, a piece of paper clutched and wrinkled in his hand.

“Papa, someone’s come to see ya.”

But they only got silence in reply as he continued to stare into the dead grate.

“It’s Adam Cartwright,” she said as Adam put the bucket onto the rough hewn dining table.

The crinkle of paper came as Angus’ hand scrunched then Adam got a pair of unfriendly, desolate eyes. “If ya’ve come to tell me that yer sorry I don’t need yer sympathy.”

Adam took his hat off as he went closer to him and could see the lines and grayness that hadn’t been discernable from across the room in the dimness. “I only wanted to let you know how sorry I am, and that I’m going to miss him. He was a fine young man, and a smart one.”

“Not so smart. He went off to fight in a war that’s none of our concern out here and to die on some bloody battlefield.”

“But it is our concern, Mr. MacCloud, and your son could see that. You should be proud of him for being willing to stand fast for his principles and what he knew was right.”

“Proud is it?” Angus roared as he came out of the chair and glared at Adam. “Should I also be proud that my son is dead? Should I be proud that I’ll never see his bright countenance again?” He choked and his livid face flushed even more. “How can ya stand there and tell me to be proud when ya don’t even know what it’s like to be father?”

“I’m not asking you to be proud of his death, but of the way he lived his life. He knew what the consequences could quite likely be but he was willing to take that risk for something bigger than him, bigger than any of us.”

“Why did ya come here? I don’t need ya or anyone else tellin’ me what I’ve lost, so why don’t ya just get outta here?”

“Papa,” Laren said as she approached her father but he stopped her with an upheld hand.

“Shush, lass.”

“Mr. MacCloud…

“Get out!” Angus bellowed and gave him a shove.

“Papa!”

“I told ya to stay outta this, lass! This is between men! Or at least one of us is a man!” and his pitiless eyes shot back to Adam. “Ya talk of principles, yet ya and yer brothers stay here where it’s safe! Where’re yer lofty principles now? Like I told yer father, the fightin’ and dyin’s only for poor men’s sons’! In me own Scotland it was no different!”

Adam tensed and his chin came up. “No, Mr. MacCloud, wealth and status has nothing to do with who gets killed and who doesn’t.”

“Ya talk big, but I don’t see ya doin’ anything about it.”

Adam swallowed hard and his mouth became arid. “Not yet.” Then he turned and went to the door.

“Adam,” Laren said in a soft, shaky voice as she went to him, “does this mean yer goin’ to fight too?”

He took her hand and held it but only smiled then he opened the door and put his hat on then went out to his waiting family. She glanced back at her father – a spark of fire lighting her eyes – then she followed after Adam.

Laren stood on the porch – joined by her sisters – and watched as Adam got onto the buckboard seat. He winked at her and tipped his hat then turned his attention to his father.

“Lad!”

Adam looked around and Angus was standing with his daughters. Some of the red had left his face, and his eyes were softer, his arms around the shoulders of the youngest. There were no further words but Adam’s smile spoke volumes.

“Angus,” Ben said and tipped his hat.

Hoss turned the buckboard and followed after his father and little brother and they calmly left. Four sets of MacCloud eyes watched as they went along the road and gradually faded into the distance and the morning haze.

“Take care o’ yerself, lad,” Angus said barely above a whisper, and his hold tightened on his daughter.

TEN

It was shortly before noon and the big red Overland stage was already waiting when Ben Cartwright and his sons came to a stop in front of the depot.

“I’ll go check and see how much time we have before the stage is ready to leave,” Adam said as he got off the seat and Hop Sing handed him his carpet bag.

Adam went up the steps onto the boardwalk and straight to the agent’s window. They exchanged a few words but the bustle in the street blotted them from his family’s hearing. Ben and Joe were dismounted and Hoss and Hop Sing were standing with them when Adam rejoined them.

“Mike says it should only be a few minutes before Mart’s ready to go, so there won’t be time to do anything else while we’re here. So I guess I might as well just go ahead and say my good-byes now and get into the coach.”

“I guess so, son.”

Adam went to Hop Sing first, and he could see the emotion welled in the obsidian eyes. “I know I don’t have to tell you to take care of them for me while I’m gone.”

“No, Mista Adam, they my family just like you.” The little cook reached into his tunic and took out a small green jade disc with a character intricately carved into it and placed it in the first-born’s hand. “This for good luck and good health and it keep you safe.”

“Thank you, Hop Sing, I’ll keep it with me always,” he said as his fist closed around it. “I won’t be without it.” He put it securely in his vest pocket then held his hand out to him. “You’ll be with me wherever I am.”

Hop Sing looked at the dark hand with its elegant tapered fingers then took it and pumped it firmly. This was hurting as if he was seeing off his own begotten child. He knew that the days ahead would be long and bleak until this one’s return and that life would stand still until then. And the possibility that he wouldn’t Hop Sing couldn’t think of.

Adam wanted to hug the man that had become like a second father, but the little cook had his dignity to maintain, so for now a handshake would do.

Next he moved to Hoss and the big man stood with his head so that the brim of his hat hid his eyes. “It’s all right to look at me, Hoss.”

Hoss’ head hesitantly raised and Adam felt as if his heart would come apart. The sadness he saw before him nearly swamped him as a giant wave would a small boat. He reached out and touched the back of one of the large hands.

“You will teach Joe how to properly herd a calf, while I’m away, won’t you?”

But the running joke wasn’t funny today so he simply nodded. Hoss knew that this could be the last time he would ever see his big brother in this life, and he wasn’t in a teasing mood. He only wanted to hold onto to someone he loved and keep him there safe forever and always.

“Hoss.”

But the words wouldn’t come so Hoss took his brother in his arms and crushed Adam to him.

Adam could feel the trembling in the stocky, muscular body and it ran through him. His hands clasped behind the broad back, and he wished he didn’t have to see Hoss this way, to see his family this way. Maybe it would have been better if he’d just gone without their knowing, but that would have been even more cruel. He gave a shoulder a pat then released his brother and stepped back. “You’ll be all right.”

“It ain’t me I’m worried about,” Hoss finally spoke.

Words were unnecessary as Adam squeezed his arm then went to Joe. The warm emerald eyes were teary, and his nose had turned red as it always did when he was about to cry.

“Well, I guess this is it,” Joe said with a slight crack in his voice.

“I guess it is,” Adam said his eyebrow rose. “I’m counting on you, younger brother, to do what we talked about in the barn the other day.”

“You know I won’t let you down.”

“I know.”

For several seconds the youngest and oldest Cartwright brothers just stood and looked at each other.

“Adam, I…”

“You don’t have to say it, Joe. I feel it too.”

Joe’s chin began to quiver, and he tried to smile but it was a vain effort. His brother was heading into a danger like nothing they could imagine and it put a fear into him like he had never known. And he wasn’t going to stand idly by and let Adam leave so easily. Without wavering Joe put his arms around him for all he was worth.

They patted each other on the back then separated and Adam went to Pa. Saying good-bye to his brothers and Hop Sing was gut wrenching enough, but this was by far and away the worst it was going to get. He could see the agony of pending and uncertain separation in his father’s face and it was as painful as any physical wound.

For a long second they said nothing as the day seemed to solidify around them as the rest of the family watched.

If someone had taken a gun and shot Ben Cartwright in the chest it couldn’t hurt any worse than this, nor would it bleed any more. That small, black-haired baby that he had held so many years ago had grown into the kind of man any father could rightfully and justifiably take pride in. Adam didn’t simply talk about his convictions – he acted on them, even when the final cost could be as dire as this could turn out to be.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you than I am right at this moment…. I wish your mothers could see you. They would all be as proud of you as I am.”

“I’m doing the right thing, Pa, even though maybe some of us don’t want to admit it.” Adam’s mouth curved mischievously and the sunlight caught in his rakish eyes.

“That may be so, but you can’t ask me to like it.”

“I’m not, Pa, but I am hoping you can understand in time.”

“I do understand, I just don’t like it, and I never will. Anything that takes one of my son’s away from me I could never like, especially something that…” but the rest of the thought died away.

“I’d say I’ll be all right and not to worry, but I don’t know about the first part and I definitely do about the second. But I can say that I’ll be as careful as I can…. I want to come back home…. I want to come back to my father.”

That was the final straw as Ben’s heart shattered. He held his son and closed his eyes against the tears that he didn’t care to show and fought against the notion that Adam could be going to his death and it made his eyelids pinch together until they ached. He knew he could never give up on his son’s return, and he never would until the day someone told him that his oldest child was gone if – Heaven forbid – it should come to that. But he would cling to the fervent hope that his son would be delivered safely back into the waiting arms of those who loved him.

Adam felt safe in the haven of his father’s embrace, but he knew that all too soon they must part. For now, however, they were together and only war could tear them from each other.

“All right, folks, time to go!” a strong voice rang into their world.

Ben reluctantly released his boy and discreetly dabbed at his eyes.

A middle-aged man and woman were just getting into the coach as the driver clambered up onto the seat.

“I’ll write every chance I get,” Adam said.

“And I’ll look forward to every one and read it until the paper’s frayed.”

Adam gave his father a gentle thump on the arm then went forward. “Here ya go, Mart,” he said vigorously and tossed his carpet bag up to the driver. “Snuggle it down on top. No sense putting it in the boot.”

“Sure thing, Adam,” Mart said as he put it behind him.

“Come back to us, son, that’s all I ask, just come back to us,” Ben said softly.

“I’ll do my best, Pa,” Adam said and gave his brother’s a two fingered salute then climbed inside and closed the door.

“You take good care of him, Mart,” Ben said to the driver.

“I’ll git ‘im there in one piece, Ben, you can count on it.”

The family stood back as Mart took up the ribbons and the shotgun rider settled himself onto the seat next to him. Shouting at the team and giving the reins a snap the stage started off with a lurch.

“Good-bye, Pa,” Adam said waved out the window.

As the big vehicle rumbled down the street, the family watched after it, each one knowing in his heart that Adam was going to an unsure future so far away from home and the life he had known for so many years. They also knew that tonight would be only the first in a succession of long nights and equally long days until his return. And he would return – this they had to believe – for the alternative was far too terrible to think about.

THE END

Many of the characters and some of the settings in this story aren’t mine. It is simply for the enjoyment of Bonanza fans and no infringement is intended.

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