Truth and Consequences
by
Janice Sagraves

This is for Colleen, who wanted to see a WHN for ‘A House Divided’. The characters and parts of this story aren’t mine, and no infringement is intended, it is simply for the enjoyment of Bonanza fans.

ONE

The ache in Adam Cartwright’s chest hurt like nothing ever had, and he wanted desperately to distance himself from the reason. It was a futile effort and deep inside he knew that, but for now he just wanted to escape the pain and try to get his raging feelings under control. Usually he was in pretty good command of them, but tonight that just wasn’t the case.

Adam didn’t blame his little brother for what had happened. Joe was young and impressionable, with decided Southern leanings because of his New Orleans roots, and Frederick Kyle had made the most of the combination. It had worked beautifully. Joe had turned on his own brother when he had made accusations against Kyle that Joe didn’t want to believe. He had struck Adam when he had given Joe a slight shove and told him to stay out of it when he was questioning Kyle. This was nothing new, it had happened before. Joe’s reaction this time, however, was new, and so was the look of utter derision in the sharp emerald eyes as he looked at his brother. If Pa hadn’t been there to get between them, Adam couldn’t help wondering how far Joe would have gone. He had seen his little brother angry before, and he knew that hot temper, but this was different, and he cited Kyle’s influence as the main cause. He had said that he had known Joe’s mother from before, something Adam seriously doubted, and given him a picture of her, and the credulous teenager had believed because he wanted to believe. Joe was always eager to get pieces of the mother he had lost, and Adam didn’t blame him for that either. He understood better than Joe knew.

Sport’s hooves pounded the ground as the big chestnut continued tearing through the night like he was being chased. Adam had him wide open and made no attempt to slow him down. He knew riding in the dark like this was foolish at best but he just didn’t care. Grief shrouded his mind to lucid, practical thought and flight was imperative and necessary.

He closed his eyelids tightly to hold back the tears that wanted to flood his dark hazel eyes, but this wasn’t a good idea. In total darkness he saw the image of his father as he tried talking to his strong willed oldest son. But he was too upset to listen to what Pa was trying to say to him, and then he had done something that he had never done in his life, and it hurt worst of all. In his anguish, he had raised his hand to his father and pushed him. He had pushed his father! He knew Pa would forgive him, but he didn’t know if he could forgive himself.

Adam’s eyes flew open as he pitched foreword. Sport had come to a sudden halt, bracing his feet in the dirt, and Adam didn’t have time to react. He sailed past the animal’s head and hit the ground in a wad with a hard grunt as the air was slammed from his lungs. Intense pain ran through his body and touched every nerve, but he didn’t have time to think about it as his head struck something and unconsciousness washed over him like a black tide.

Sport walked over to the motionless form lying in a heap, and lowered his head. He snuffled at the familiar scent and nickered softly but nothing happened. Then his head shot up, and his ears pricked as a bobcat screamed. The cat’s eerie wail came again, and Sport dashed away as his trust in his master was overridden by fear.

<C>

Joe wasn’t exactly sure where his brother had gone, though he did have a few ideas. All he was really certain of was that he had to find Adam and try to talk him into coming home. The apologies would come later, and there was plenty he needed to apologize for.

Adam had been right about Frederick Kyle all along. He had tried using Joe as a stepping stone to getting the Comstock silver for the war chest of the Confederacy. He had bought the boy’s loyalty with a picture of his mother, and Joe had swallowed it like a fish with a baited hook. Adam had seen what he was doing and told Pa about it, but Joe had felt they were wrong and overreacting. He was a grown man and didn’t need to be wet-nursed. He was capable of making his own decisions, and they should let him. Well, he did, and by the time he had gotten his eyes opened a wedge had been driven between him and his brother. He could only hope that the damage wasn’t irreparable.

Cochise ambled on as Joe’s eyes scanned his surroundings. He knew Adam was out here, and he didn’t want to miss him. It had been his own idea to come after him, and Pa had heartily backed him on it. He could only wonder if his brother – given to his intense stubbornness – would return with him.

On the way back from Virginia City, where Joe had been staying, Pa had told him about Adam riding out the previous night, and what he had said before leaving. It grieved Joe to know that he had been the cause of his brother giving up his home. Adam had known that as long as he was there his little brother would never return, so he had headed his horse for New England and left. “It’s either me or Little Joe,” Adam had told Pa, “and he needs you worse than I do.” Then he had relinquished everything he loved for his family and ridden out in blind pain.

Joe’s hand tightened on the reins as that one phrase drove home what he had brought about. His brother was gone, his father was heartsick over it, and Hoss was more or less caught in the middle. Why hadn’t he listened for once? Because he couldn’t do that, not to Adam he couldn’t, and this time it was coming back to haunt him.

He came out past a stand of pines and saw what hadn’t entered his mind and it chilled him. Sport stood riderless, as if on sentry duty, near the edge of a drop off. Joe strained to see as he drew closer and thought he saw a tan-colored shape beyond the horse’s legs. A harsh breath rattled through him as the light dawned in his brain. He kicked Cochise into a run and practically came out of the saddle on the other side of the big chestnut before his own mount even stopped.

He fell onto his knees at his brother’s side as his growing fear closed around him like a stifling sack. Adam was lying on his stomach in the grass, the left side of his face bloody.

“Adam,” Joe said softly and tentatively placed a hand on his brother’s back. “Adam.”

Adam was still as death, and Joe feared that he may be responsible for the most unbearable kind of sorrow. He repeated his brother’s name and still got nothing. Delicately, he turned Adam over and gathered him into his arms, and held him against his chest. His heart was beating franticly as his clasp tightened, and he tried feeling the life still inside his brother. “Adam,” he said more loudly and touched the cool cheek. “Can you hear me? It’s Joe.”

For several seconds he thought his breathing would stop then the dense fans of black lashes fluttered and he found himself looking into weakened, dark hazel eyes.

“I’ve gotcha, brother. I’ve gotcha.”

One side of the finely sculpted mouth turned in the faint imitation of a smile, and he mouthed the word ‘Joe’.

“I’m sorry, Adam. I didn’t mean for this…” but his brother’s eyes closed, and he knew there was no need in going on. He worked his hand inside Adam’s coat and placed it against the full chest just to make sure, and he released his breath. “I havta get you home. I havta get you back to Pa.”

<C>

Ben Cartwright was coming down the stairs when he heard the horses enter the yard, and he had to fight to contain his excitement. Joe had found Adam and brought him home, he wouldn’t let himself think it was anyone else. Hoss Cartwright had just come out of the kitchen with a sandwich on a plate as he came onto the landing.

“You’re brothers are home,” he said as he hurried the rest of the way down. “I just heard them ride in.”

“I knew ol’ Adam wouldn’t go too far,” Hoss said as he put his food on the dining table.

He fell into step behind his father, and they made for the heavy oak door. Ben opened it and went out, but almost as soon as he did his smile vaporized, and his coffee eyes turned pure onyx. Hoss followed suit and gripped his father’s shoulder as much for his own stability as Pa’s. Without a word they ran into the yard to meet those who had returned.

TWO

Early evening light came in through the window as Joe sat in the chair at the side of the bed holding the cherished hand, his gaze never leaving his oldest brother’s face. A bandage had been swathed around Adam’s head, covering the gash. Red spotted the white cloth as a reminder of what lay beneath, and he had been undressed and put into a soft cotton nightshirt. He looked so tranquil, but turmoil, and guilt raged inside his little brother that only one thing could assuage.

Ben came quietly into the room but Joe’s attention stayed focused on his brother. “You need to get some rest, son,” he said as he came to stand by the chair.

“I can’t, Pa, not until he opens his eyes. Not until I can tell him how sorry I am.”

“He knows.”

“Does he?” Joe said as his clasp tightened on Adam’s hand. “When he looked at me today, it was like he didn’t even see me.”

“He’s your brother, Joe, and he knows.”

“Pa, why doesn’t he wake up? If he’s all right, why does he just lay there like a dead man?”

“He’s sleeping, like Paul said. After an experience like that he needs his rest, and so do you.”

“Why couldn’t I listen to him? Just this once, why couldn’t I listen to what he was trying to tell me? He could see Frederick Kyle for what he was. You believed him, so why couldn’t I?”

“I guess sometimes we see in people what we want to see. At first I simply saw a man here on business, but…”

“Adam knew he was using me. Maybe, like you, he didn’t from the beginning but found out and maybe he didn’t know what for, but he knew. He tried telling me, but I wouldn’t hear. I was too grown up to listen to my big brother, and now he could pay for my being so blind and stupid.”

Ben squeezed his boy’s shoulder and wished he could take the guilt away. Then he looked at his eldest, and felt his ache intensify. All three of his sons had been done harm by this, and he hated the name of Frederick Kyle and cursed him for ever coming to Virginia City. He had taken Joe and used him to gain what he so desperately sought. He had caused a rift between his youngest and oldest sons, and now one was seriously injured and the other was eating himself up inside over it. And Hoss, bless him, had stood by his family all the way, hurting for his brothers and giving his father something sturdy to lean on.

He tousled the soft, dark brown hair, and rested his hand on the trembling back. “I’ll be right downstairs if you need me.” But Joe’s attention never drew away from Adam. Ben gave him a pat then turned and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Joe moved onto the side of the bed, never relinquishing his hold on his brother’s hand. “If you’re all right like the doctor says then why don’t you wake up? If you don’t come out of this I can’t live with what I’ve done, what I’ve done to you…. Maybe Pa’s right and you do know but right now just saying I’m sorry doesn’t seem enough…. You’re lying there like that, and it’s my fault and nobody else’s. I don’t know why I couldn’t see what he was doing. I wanted to believe that he liked me because he saw my mother in me and trusted me because of who I am, but he only wanted the silver, and I was a way to get it.” He felt everything welling into his chest and threatening to smother his heart. “Adam, I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Can you ever look at me without being reminded that I did this to you? Are you even gonna live?” With a whimper he dropped his head and pressed the backs of his brother’s fingers against his forehead. “What’ve I done…? What’ve I done?”

<C>

Ben had seen his high-strung, emotional youngest son torn over things before but never anything like this. When his mother had been killed the only thing that had kept him going was the love and closeness of his family. He could remember Adam, who hadn’t handled things so well himself, taking him for long walks or rides and they would simply talk. Adam could always pull things out of the boy when no one else could. But after he returned from being away at college for four years things had changed between them. Joe had grown up and away from his oldest brother, and it distressed a father to see what it did to his first-born, though Adam never let on.

But now all Joe wanted to do was stay by his brother’s side. It had been close to fourteen hours since Adam had been brought back to the house, and Joe thoroughly refused to leave the room, and the fact that Adam didn’t seem to want to wake up didn’t help matters any.

Ben came up from the kitchen with a sandwich and a glass of milk. Not leaving Adam’s bedside wasn’t the only thing Joe had steadfastly refused to do. He knocked at the bedroom door, and when he got no answer he went on in.

As he entered he became aware of a soft pleading voice. “Won’t you wake up, brother? Won’t you please wake up?” There came a half-hearted attempt at a laugh. “Who’ll keep me from making mistakes if you’re not here to?”

Ben cleared his throat and Joe, sitting in the chair now, hushed. He came around in front of his youngest son just as the boy was wiping tears savagely from his eyes, but Ben said nothing.

“I brought you a chicken sandwich and some milk to wash it down with.”

“I don’t want anything, Pa.”

“Well, now I know for a fact that you haven’t eaten a bite since breakfast. And going without anything isn’t going to help.” He handed the plate and glass to him. “Now you can take care of this right there, and I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, young man.”

The saddened eyes darted to his father as he took them. He didn’t want it but he knew Pa well enough to know that he wouldn’t be satisfied until every bite and every drop had been consumed. He bit into the sandwich, and it made him realize how hungry he really was. The milk was cold and refreshing and it revitalized every inch of him.

Ben watched as Joe went after his food like a starved wolf, and he had to conceal a grin. His sons had always given him a run for his money, and he had to admit that that was what put the zest in living. Without any one of them he hated the thought of what things would be like. Joe was his spirited maverick, Hoss was the gentle influence in his life, and Adam, Adam was his rock and good right hand, and all three were a challenge. His stepped to the head of the bed and looked down on his oldest child. Paul had told him that things seemed to be all right but they would know better when Adam finally took it upon himself to come out of his sleep. But Ben couldn’t help the hint of apprehension that mingled with everything else. Like Joe, he couldn’t understand why Adam didn’t just wake up.

Gradually, his senses became aware though not of what he could see or hear. His head throbbed with his pulse, and the rest of him felt stiff and bordered on numb. He tried to move and it elicited a groan then someone said his name. “Pa,” he rasped.

“I’m here, son. I’m right here.”

Awareness continued its advance and things began to orient themselves. He raised his hand to his head and it was caught in a solid grasp.

“You’re all right, son.”

Now he recognized his father’s voice. He took a deep breath and it brought forth an ache that permeated his entire body. “Joe.”

“He’s here too.”

He blinked and tried focusing on his father’s face but that didn’t help so he did it again. His heartbeat quickened and his breathing shuddered. What was happening? “Pa…, I… I can’t see you…. I can’t see, Pa.”

Ben felt himself go dead inside, and his hold on his son’s hand tightened. He looked around at Joe and saw that his youngest son had moved to the foot of the bed and gone perfectly white. The green of his eyes had been engulfed by black, and his hands were bunched in the bedspread. He also saw that Hoss had come in, and he had gone as pasty as his little brother.

Joe couldn’t look away from Adam’s face, more particularly from his eyes. They were directed at their father but it was plain that Adam didn’t see him. He gulped back the lump that wanted to strangle him and fought back the burning tears. His brother was blind, and it was his fault. He bounded from the bed and bolted out of the room. Ben called after him but it did no good.

Hoss came around to stand next to his father. His blood rushed in his veins like boiling water and sent its heat through him. He didn’t want to believe this but what else could he do? “Adam,” he said softly.

“Hoss,” Adam said and raised his other hand.

Hoss snapped it up, and his huge hands closed over it. “I’m here, brother, an’ I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

Hop Sing came up the stairs with his arms loaded with clean linens. Since the first-born had been injured he had been upstairs more than usual today. As he came to the top landing he saw that Mista Joe was standing outside Mista Adam’s door and the way he stood and held his body concerned the little cook. His obsidian eyes darted into the room as he came to stand in front of the apparently disconsolate teenager.

“What long, Mista Joe? Mista Adam all light?”

Joe hugged his arms around himself, and his gaze stayed on the floor. “He’s awake.”

Hop Sing’s mouth spread and his eyes lit from within. “That good. So why you look so sad?”

After a second or so Joe’s head raised, and he looked into the round face before him. “He’s blind, Hop Sing…. He’s blind, and I did it.”

THREE

“You told me that it didn’t look that bad! You said he would be all right!” Ben said with a razor’s edge. “My son is blind, Paul! Didn’t you think that could happen?”

Dr. Paul Martin stood by as Ben stalked back-and-forth in front of the immense stone fireplace. “Ben, I’m only a doctor, and there’s so much we don’t know or understand. Maybe someday we will, but not right now.”

“Are you making excuses for why you didn’t see this?” Ben said as he whirled on his old friend.

Paul held back on his temper because he knew where this was coming from. “No, I’m just saying that the medical profession is still in the dark about a lot of things, and when it comes to matters of the head there’s a lot we don’t know.” He stepped to Ben and took his arm. “But what counts now is that Adam is alive, and he’s going to need all our help to get through this.”

The doctor’s calm reasoning deflated Ben’s frustrated fury. His head dropped, and he locked his fingers in his silvering black hair. “Blind, Paul. My son is blind.” His shoulders sagged then his head came up, and a ray of hope burned in his broad face. “Paul, is it possible that this is only temporary?”

“Anything’s possible. It could be caused by swelling that’ll eventually go down, and any other number of things. But I think we still need to brace ourselves for the possibility that it isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with hanging onto that fine thread, but we shouldn’t pin everything on it. It won’t do us any good and it certainly won’t do anything for Adam except build up false hope.”

Ben rubbed at his forehead and the pressure building there. “I know you’re right, but it’s hard not to hope.”

“I’m not telling you not to, and optimism can be a potent thing. What I am saying is don’t pin everything on it’s getting better. I’ve seen it go both ways, and it’s never easy on anyone when it doesn’t clear, but if it does go that way Adam’s going to have it the hardest. He’ll need all the love and support his family can give him, he needs it right now.”

“There’s no question about that. Whatever he has to have he will, and he’s never wanted for love, and he never will.”

“Anyone who knows this family knows that. Ben, if it does turn out that this is permanent… you may want to consider sending him to a school for the blind. They would help him adjust and teach him how to get on in a sighted world.”

“How far away would that be, and for how long?”

“I don’t know. There’s more than one, and I guess it depends on the person they’re teaching how long it’ll take. If you’d like I’ll check them out.” Paul tittered. “But we’re getting the cart before the horse. Adam could be right as rain in a few hours or a couple days. Let’s just wait and see.”

“All right, Paul.” Ben exhaled raggedly and turned back to the fireplace and stared into the gradually ebbing flames. He felt his friend’s firm hand and it helped, if only a little. He closed his eyes, and his fists fell at his sides. This was one of those times when a son needed him so much, and he wouldn’t let him down. “Blind,” he said to himself and felt the helplessness close in around him.

<C>

Hop Sing started up the stairs with a bowl of piping hot egg drop soup. While the rest of the family, especially Mista Joe, could take it or leave it, it was one of Mista Adam’s favorites. He remembered the gleam in the youngster’s eyes the first time he had eaten it.

As he came up into the hall he saw that Joe was standing outside his oldest brother’s room, and he got the impression that the third-born was afraid to go in. “Something long, Mista Joe?”

“No, there’s nothing wrong?”

“Then why you not go in? Blother would like that.”

“I’m sure he would if it was Hoss, but I don’t think he’d want to see…” His eyes narrowed, and Hop Sing could tell how upset he was.

Hop Sing reached him the tray. “You take this into blother.”

“No, I…”

“You take in. I have other things to do, and you need be with blother. Now you not argue. You go.” He pushed the door open. “It not polite to make Mista Adam wait.” The little cook nudged him inside then started back downstairs.

“Hop Sing, is that you?” Adam asked from the chair by the window. He sniffed the air and adjusted his robe sash. “Do I smell egg drop soup?”

As Joe came around to where he could see his brother, he had to choke back a cry. He saw no expression in the dark face that was turned to the window, and he wanted to break and run. “Hop Sing had to go back… He asked me to bring it in.”

His head turned to his little brother and there were those empty eyes. “Well, let’s have it, Joe,” he said cheerfully. “I’m starved half to death and it smells so good.”

Adam raised his arms just as Joe lowered it. They caught the bottom of the tray and it pitched forward and the bowl and glass slid. Joe tried to recover but too late. Everything broke against the floor, sending hot soup and the water splattering over Adam’s feet and legs. He clenched his teeth, and his fingers dug into the chair’s arms as the tray and spoon clattered nearby.

“Oh, Adam, I’m sorry,” Joe said as he got the towel from the washstand by the door.

“It’s all right, Joe. It was my fault”

“No, it wasn’t.” He began wiping his brother’s legs. “If I hadn’t…”

“I said it’s all right.” He tried swiping his brother away. “Stop fussing.”

“But that hot soup went all over you,” Joe said as he continued trying to wipe it off.

“That isn’t necessary.”

“But I…”

“Joe, would you just stop it? You’ve done enough!”

Joe went dead still as his eyes shot to his brother’s face. He slapped the towel to the floor and bolted from the room.

“Joe!” Adam shouted as he turned in the direction of the slamming door. “Joe, wait!” He leaned into the chair with a defeated slump. “I didn’t mean that, Joe. Not the way you took it.”

Joe passed his father on the stairs as Ben was coming up. By the quick look he got of his son’s face, he knew something was wrong.

“Joe, what is it? Joe!”

But Joe just kept going without even slowing down. Ben shouted at him again but Joe didn’t even seem to hear him as he rushed across the parlor and outside. The coffee eyes went back to the second floor, and he finished his ascent with more urgency. When he got into Adam’s room he saw what had probably caused words. Picking up the towel, he began cleaning the splattered soup from his son’s legs.

“Joe, I said…” Adam started as he grabbed his father’s arm.

“It’s me, son. It looks like you had a little accident.”

“I knocked the tray out of Joe’s hands.”

“Well, these things happen sometimes. I’m sure he knows you don’t blame him for it.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Adam leaned back again and ran his hand over his heavy black hair. “He kept fussing, and wouldn’t stop even after I told him it was all right. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a little annoyed…. I told him he’d done enough, but I didn’t mean it the way I know he took it.”

“How did you mean it?”

“He’d covered me with soup. Believe me, Pa; I didn’t want him doing anymore.”

“Are you sure that’s all of it?”

“If you mean am I mad at him because of… because I can’t see… the answer is ‘no’. He didn’t tell me to ride out in the pitch dark like a maniac.”

“But you wouldn’t have if that hadn’t been between you and him.”

“That’s right, and maybe I am mad at him a little because he didn’t trust me, but it really hurt more than anything.”

“But do you blame him for this?”

“I blame Frederick Kyle. He’s the reason for all this. Joe wants so much to be treated like a man, and this man played on that…”

The bedroom door was ajar as Hoss stepped to it and reached for the knob. “…and for that I’ll never forgive him. He hurt this family, and that’s unpardonable to me,” Adam said.

“Have you told your brother the way you feel?”

“Not yet…, but you’re right, I need to…. This has to be settled once and for all.”

Hoss took his hand away and turned for the stairs. Adam was blaming Joe for this, and he guessed he couldn’t really find fault, in that situation he might do the same. But even at that, he thought Adam was a bigger man. With a deep sigh he put his hand on the banister and started down. He wondered if he should tell his little brother what he had heard, and he wondered if he should tell Adam.

FOUR

Adam’s head pounded, and his eyes felt like they had swelled in their sockets. With Pa’s help he had gotten himself cleaned up from the little fiasco, and Hop Sing had brought in another bowl of soup. His belly was filled, and he was warm and safe in his own home, but here he sat before a window, and he couldn’t even see what was going on beyond it. He had never felt so helpless – a sensation not completely alien to him but one he fervently hated – here in his dark realm.

It was difficult not to feel sorry for himself but he had never been one to wallow in self pity, and goodness knew that there had been plenty of opportunities along the way. But this time his sight was gone and might never return, and he would be locked in the darkness for the rest of his life.

“Enough of this,” he said as his fingers knotted. “I feel like a prisoner in two cages.”

Gingerly, he pushed himself to his feet, and his head spun, though not being able to see everything swirl helped. He tried picturing the room that he had spent so many years in as he turned toward the bed. He knew that the little writing deck and chair were to his left, and to the left of it was the chest. To his right would be the dresser, and on the other side of the door, the washstand. Now that he had his bearings all he had to do was navigate his way to where he wanted to go.

Keeping his feet close to the floor, he took a tentative step. Walking after nightfall, even without a moon, wasn’t anything like this.

”So far, so good,” he said and took another step, and wavered a litte, and felt out in front of and around him.

With each one he took without precipitating himself onto his face or another part of his anatomy his confidence built. His slippers scuffed along the wooden planks as he made his way toward where he the dresser should be. Finally, his fingertips brushed over a polished surface. He groped until he grasped a drawer pull and, counting out from it on either side, found that it was the top middle one. But he wanted the far one on the right. Fumbling until he came to it, he opened it and took out the shirt on top. Hop Sing was the one who put them away so he didn’t know what color it was, not that he cared. Next, he fished around in another drawer and came out with a pair of britches.

“Now all you’ve gotta do is put them on.”

With his clothes clutched in his arms, he made his way back to his bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress. Deftly, his fingers undid the buttons of his nightshirt, and he slipped it off over his head. He wanted to go downstairs and just be with his father. His head still hurt, but he didn’t want to stay in this cave any longer.

Ben was sitting at his substantial mahogany desk in the study end of the parlor trying to concentrate on the ledger book before him but his mind kept returning upstairs. He hadn’t wanted to leave Adam alone but he figured that a little privacy was in order. A lot had to be going through his oldest son’s mind, and Ben thought it best to let him try to sort some of it out.

Hoss had gone out to the range with Joe to get him away from the house for a while. After what had happened, the boy had become sullen, and anyone could see that what had befallen his oldest brother was tearing him apart. More than once he had been found hovering outside Adam’s room as if afraid to go in but not wanting to stray too far. Only after he had garnered a promise from his father that he would keep an eye on Adam had Joe gone with Hoss.

With a groan, he erased the numbers he had just written. “Not again,” he grumbled. He had just picked up the pencil when a sound from the stairs made him look up, and his blood drained into his boots. With a hand on either banister and fully dressed in a clean red shirt and gray britches, Adam started down, feeling each step with his feet.

Ben couldn’t get out of the chair fast enough and raced for the staircase. He didn’t want to shout at his son, lest he startle him, and his fear of Adam falling was tantamount to panic. Taking the steps two at a time, he moved faster than he had in a while. Reaching out, he took hold of one of Adam’s wrists.

“Let me help you, son.”

“I’m all right, Pa. I can manage. I have been doing this for a while,” he said as one side of his mouth crooked.

“But not…”

Adam’s half smile disappeared. “But not blind as a stump.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.” Adam tugged his arm from his father’s grasp. “Now I can do this on my own.”

“I’d rather you didn’t try it.”

“And what would you rather I do? Sit up in my room until somebody comes to help me down the stairs? Pa, if this is permanent I’m gonna havta learn to do for myself sooner or later, and it might as well be sooner.”

“Adam, I don’t want to have to…”

“Order me?” Adam snipped as his eyes turned in his father’s direction but glared past him. “Haven’t you noticed by this time that I’m too big for that?”

As Adam started down a wave of dizziness hit him, and he grabbed the handrail as he began falling forward. Ben, his heart in his throat, seized his son’s arm to steady him.

Adam’s eyelid’s pinched together, and his fingers bunched on the banister. This was neither the time nor place to assert his independent tenacity. He might as well face facts, he was going to need help, and his father was right with him as he always had been. With a heavy intake of breath, he reached out and felt the stabilizing clasp on his hand, and it reassured him that he wasn’t alone in this. The partiality of a smile returned, tinged with the resignation that he was, in many ways, as dependant as a new kitten. “All right, Pa.”

Adam couldn’t see the light go on in his father’s face. His son needed him as he hadn’t since he was a baby, and in a way he never had. Ben had become the eyes of his first-born, and he would steer him past the rocks in his path to the best of his ability. Adam wasn’t as helpless as he had been when he was a baby, but right now there were so many things he couldn’t do, and that his father would do willingly.

Together they started down the stairs, Ben’s hold on his son’s arm strong and tight. He had put himself between his boys and anything that could imperil them before, and would again, if need be. But this he could do nothing about, what was done was done, and all he could do was be there.

Adam knew he could navigate the stairs on his own, but he needed the comfort of his father’s touch. The days and maybe even years that lay ahead of him he couldn’t, didn’t want to imagine going through without the support of his family. The work he would do himself, but just knowing they were there if he needed them was enough.

As they reached the bottom Adam planted his foot and stopped. “Thanks, Pa.”

“Don’t mention it, son,” Ben said on a expansive grin and they started into the parlor.

<C>

Hoss leaned on his axe and watched Joe furiously chopping away at the brush that clogged the rain ditch. He was worried about his brothers, and feared he could do little to help them, though that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. Well acquainted with his older brother’s indomitable will, he had more confidence in Adam’s ability to come through this. His younger brother, on the other hand, was a completely different story. Hot tempered, highly emotional and vulnerable to heavy guilt, whether deserved or not, Hoss knew this was driving him. Adam had left because of Joe, Adam had ridden out in turmoil because of Joe, Adam had been injured because of Joe, and Adam was blind because of Joe. And while all of that was true, Hoss knew that none of it was deliberate. Joe had fallen under the spell of Frederick Kyle, and they were all paying for it, and that was who he blamed, not Joe.

But Hoss had heard Adam talking with Pa, and he was blaming Joe. If he hadn’t heard it with his own two ears he never would have believed it. Adam had always been quicker to take the responsibility for something than let it fall on a family member. He had never met anyone like Adam, and he had always been proud to tell others that this was his big brother. But of this he was ashamed. He had thought Adam better than this and it cut like a deep slash to find out that he was wrong. Of course, Adam had never been blind before, and to find yourself living in constant black with the prospect of never coming out of it again had to take a toll, even on Adam.

And then there was Pa. He knew all of this was killing their father, and he intended to help Pa through this as much as he could. He lived for his sons, and to see them caught up in something like this, Hoss knew was torturing him. Pa was a strong man, but even the strong could be brought to their knees when something tragic befell those they loved.

“Are you just gonna stand there daydreaming or are you gonna give me a hand?” Joe snapped.

“All right, Joe, keep your shirt on.”

Hoss’ axe rose over his head and crashed into the brush, sending splinters in all directions. He saw it as being up to him that his family came through this whole and stronger than ever. He wasn’t the one who couldn’t see, he wasn’t the one who had inadvertently caused it, and these weren’t his sons, so he felt himself better able to handle it. He wasn’t thinking about these being his brothers and his father as much as those he cared for. Something had to be done to keep them together in this time of crisis, and it was up to him, Hoss Cartwright, to do it. And do it, by durn, he would though he didn’t know what yet. Maybe just being there when they needed him was enough. His axe fell into the brush again with a vengeance, driven by grim determination. He couldn’t take his ire out on Frederick Kyle so this would have to do.

FIVE

It was approaching suppertime when Joe and Hoss, tired and gritty and hungry as a pack of timber wolves, rounded in. The opportunity to get away from the house and Adam had been good for Joe. It had allowed him to work his pent up anger and frustration out some on the dead wood. Not as quiet as he had been when they left, he was carrying on a subdued conversation with Hoss when they entered the house.

“It’s about time you two came in.”

Joe’s eyes shot around at the sound of the rich baritone as Adam stood up from the blue chair. He couldn’t get over his oldest brother’s sightless eyes every time they turned to him. Usually so expressive and sparking with intelligence they now appeared as cold and lifeless as those of the deer’s head behind the bar at the Empire saloon.

“Well, while we’ve been out workin’ and sweatin’ what you been up to?” Hoss asked.

“I’ve been helping Pa balance the ledgers.”

With a groan, Joe spun on his heel and shot back out.

“That weren’t funny, Adam.”

“That wasn’t a joke. That’s what I’ve been doing. I can still cipher in my head. Pa asked for my help, and I gave it to him.” The corners of his mouth curved as he started gingerly around the chair. “Though I think it was more for my benefit than his.” Dragging his hand along the bureau, he started toward Hoss.

“Well, I spose I best go find ‘im.”

“Let me do it. He’s probably out in the barn taking care of the horses.”

“You sure?”

“I think it’ll be better coming from me.”

“I dunno.”

“I’m not completely helpless.”

Hoss reluctantly agreed and took hold of his arm.

“No, Hoss, I wantta do it alone. I need to.”

“I don’t…”

“It’s all right,” Adam said as he gave him a pat. “And if I get into trouble, you’ll know it.”

“And I’ll come a runnin’.”

Hoss held onto him as he went out onto the porch. He wasn’t comfortable with this but he knew his brother. Adam had always been good at misjudging his own limitations and going beyond what he could do in any given situation. But pushing himself had kept him and them alive more than once, and Hoss couldn’t help wondering if it ever would again.

Adam could almost feel the concerned blue eyes on the back of his head as he felt his way with his feet. He kept his hand on the roughhewn wall as he moved one inch at a time. He knew the placement of everything, and knew exactly where he was, but he also knew that any one thing out of its place could cause him to fall. As he left the porch, he gained a little more confidence in the wide expanse of the yard, and his long legs widened their pace. He held one hand out in from of him so he would know when he reached the barn.

Joe had already taken care of Chubb and put him in his stall and was in the process of unsaddling Cochise. He hadn’t thought much of Adam’s little joke and it had driven him out here where he wouldn’t have to look at his handiwork. He unfastened the cinch and put the saddle onto a stand then took the blanket and began rubbing the animal down with it

“Joe.”

Joe froze, and his head jerked around. “How did you know I was in here?”

“I heard you talking to Cochise.”

Joe’s hand choked on the scratchy fabric then he returned to his job. “How’d you get out here?” he asked tersely.

“I walked. That I can still do.” Adam groped his way forward, his ears alert for every bit of sound.

“I suppose Hoss is standing just outside.”

Adam homed in on his brother’s voice. “No, I came on my own. I’m sorry I upset you.”

“That wasn’t very funny, what you said.”

“I was helping Pa with the books. Maybe I can’t see ‘em but I can still figure.”

Joe moved around so as to put the horse between him and Adam. Those eyes that no longer saw him or reacted to the light made him uncomfortable when they were directed at him.

For an eternal minute, the barn remained silent until Joe couldn’t stand it any longer and shattered the quiet.

“How can you stay so calm about this?” he blurted as he leaned forward against Cochise’s hip. “Adam, you can’t see.”

“I think I’m more aware of that than anybody.”

“But it doesn’t seem to bother you.”

“It bothers me, but what good would it do to run around and curse and behave like an idiot? Nothing would change – I’d still be unable to see.”

“But you accept it like it’s perfectly normal.”

“Maybe I don’t accept it as well as you think, but acting like a child won’t help.” He reached out in his brother’s direction but Joe didn’t even take his hand. He cocked his head to one side. “I know you’re still there. I would’ve heard you leave.”

“What do you want? Do you want me to say I’m sorry?”

“That won’t be necessary because I know you are. You wouldn’t be my little brother if you didn’t care. Joe,” he said as he reached out again, “we need to talk about this. We need to get this settled for good and all, and there are some things I want to tell you.”

Joe wanted to take his brother’s hand but was afraid of what he would feel when he did, and he certainly didn’t want to talk about this, as least not now. He put Cochise into his stall then gave the blanket a fling and burst outside.

Adam heard the thump of Joe’s feet as he ran out, and he found himself alone. This thing was tearing Joe to pieces, and he didn’t need the use of his eyes to know that. He could hear it in the strained voice, and feel it in his very presence. Maybe he wasn’t blaming Joe, but the guilt his brother was placing on himself was palpable, and Adam wished he could take it away.

Footsteps crunched in the straw behind him but he didn’t have the heart to acknowledge them. A hand gripped the back of his neck, and he instinctively knew it was Hoss. He heaved a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to stave off the sense of defeat he was fighting hard against. He wouldn’t give in, but the mountain had just shown him how difficult it was going to be to climb.

SIX

Adam knew that every eye was on him as he gropingly pulled out his chair at his usual place at the end of the table, and sat down. He could have taken his meal in his room as he had that day before and get away from the stares, but the sooner he faced up to his shortcomings in front of others the better. He would fall, make mistakes and miscalculations, and need assistance with things he hadn’t before, but being uncomfortable about it wouldn’t accomplish a thing. And he still had the possibility that it would right itself to help keep him going.

“What’s for breakfast? I could eat a house.” Hoss started to tell him but he held up his hand and sniffed. “Let’s see…. Bacon and gravy…. Biscuits…. Coffee…. Fried apples…. And I think eggs.”

“Say, that’s pretty good,” Hoss said with awe. “So how’s the eggs fixed?”

“Knowing Hop Sing, they’re fried.” Adam sniffed again. “And the gravy’s nearly black with pepper.”

Hoss smacked his mouth. “Just the way I like it.”

It didn’t bother Joe that Adam was showing off so much but his enthusiasm had a hallow ring to it. He couldn’t understand how his brother could be in such good spirits. “He always puts a lot of pepper in it,” he said glumly as he undid his napkin. “Even I know that.”

“So, Adam,” Ben said in an attempt to head off a confrontation, “what do you have planned for this day?”

“I thought I’d…”

“Ah, Pa, what can he do but sit around and let people wait on ‘im?”

“Joseph.”

“Well, it’s the truth! And I don’t know why everybody’s being so cheerful! He’s blind, and I’m the cause, and I don’t know why you even want me around?”

“Son, you know better than that.”

“Do I?” He slammed his napkin down and bounded away from the table.

“Joe!” Ben put his own napkin down and went after his youngest son.

Joe settled the blanket on Cochise’s back then swung the saddle up on top of it. His appetite had left him with his burst of temper, and he no longer had any desire for breakfast. He fastened the cinch around his horse’s belly and gave it a tug.

“Where’re you going, Joe?”

“I thought I’d finish the job me and Hoss started yesterday,” Joe said as he brought the left fender down from the saddle’s seat.

“Why don’t you come back to the table and have your breakfast?” Ben said as he put an arm around his shoulders.

“I can’t, Pa, I just don’t want it anymore.” His fingers tightened on the horn and cantle. “I don’t understand it.”

“Understand what, son?”

“How he can take this the way he is. If it was me I’d be mad and scared and impossible to live with. But he acts like it’s nothing.” He turned to his father. “Why doesn’t he yell at me and call me the worst things he can think of? Why doesn’t he hate me?”

“Adam could never hate you.”

“Well, he should. I turned on my own brother for somebody I hardly even knew, and I… I hit ‘im, and I was glad I did. I didn’t wantta be around ‘im, and I didn’t want any part of ‘im.” Joe turned back to his horse. “Then when I found ‘im lying out there…. At first I thought he was…. I thought I’d killed ‘im…. But all I did was cause him to go blind.”

“You did no such thing.”

“Didn’t I?” Joe said as he jerked back around to his father.

“No, son, you didn’t. He knows it was his own fault for riding out in the dark like that.”

“Because of me, Pa! Because of me! I hurt ‘im so bad that he didn’t care.” Joe’s hands strangled on the cool leather of the saddle. “He left so I could come back home because he knew I never would have as long as he was here…. And he was right.”

“I know better than that.”

“Don’t be so sure, Pa.” His head dropped and a dark brown curl fell free.

“Joe, Adam loves you, and that’s why he was willing to give up his home, but he was wrong to think you wouldn’t come back, just like you’re wrong now. I know my sons.” His fingers tightened against his boy.

“Maybe not as well as you think you do.”

“I think I do,” Ben said with conviction. “Now why don’t you come back in and eat?”

“Maybe later,” Joe said without looking at him.

“All right, son, but don’t wait too long, there’re few things worse than cold gravy,” he said with a snicker.

Giving him a reassuring pat, Ben started back to the house. He didn’t like seeing his sons like this, and not being able to fix it. But he had confidence in their working it out, he had to. As he stepped to the front door and opened it, the clatter of hooves made him turn around. Joe rode out past the barn like a pack madman, and it made Ben cringe as visions of his beloved Marie riding in so hard, and the horse falling on her rose before him, and his stomach knotted.

“Watch after him, Marie,” he said half aloud then went on inside.

<C>

After they finished eating, Adam retreated to the porch. He wanted to know if he could find the same magic in the morning without seeing it. He listened to the birds trilling joyously from the trees and inhaled deeply of the heady scent of pine. A gentle breeze caressed his skin and ruffled his hair as it made its way through the porch. Off in the barn the cow was lowing softly and it brought forth pictures of milking when he was a boy. Without his sight, a whole new world had been opened up for him, a world that he had never paid attention to or noticed before. It was fun to listen to the sounds and try to figure out what he was hearing. He heard boots clomp against wood coming from the direction of the bunkhouse then the jingle of a bit, and he wondered who’s horse it was. Someone was whistling ‘Sweet Betsy from Pike’, and he knew it was Denny Petersen.

Hoss stood in the doorway and just watched his brother sitting quietly and wondered what he was thinking. Knowing Adam, it was probably something deep and complex that would be lost on most folks. His older brother’s mind didn’t function like anyone’s he had ever known, and the workings inside that dark head perplexed him sometimes.

“Have you ever stopped and just listened to what’s around you?” Adam said as Hoss came up behind him. “I mean really listened and not taken it for granted that what you see should make that sound?”

Just like he thought. “Nope, cain’t say as I have.”

“For instance, did you know that Denny whistles slightly off key, and there’s a loose board on the bunkhouse porch.”

“I didn’t know bein’ blind makes you hear better.”

“It doesn’t. It’s just that when you can’t see you tend to pay closer attention to what you’re listening to. Your ears havta take over for your eyes.”

“And your nose.”

“That’s right. We’re born with five senses, and when we lose one the others havta take over.”

Hoss had wanted to confront his brother about what he had heard the other day and now was as good a time as any so he plunged right in. “Adam, I need to talk you about somethin’, if’n you don’t care.”

“Of course I don’t care. You know you can always come to me with anything. That’s one of the things big brothers are for. Sit down.”

“I cain’t, I gotta go help Joe, but I just wantta set somethin’ straight that’s been eatin’ at me. Now you tell me if’n you think I oughtta mind my own business.”

“You bet I will.”

“You know I ain’t one to listen in on other folk’s talkin’… but I couldn’t help hearin’ you an’ Pa…. Now, I know Joe can be an all fired pain sometimes…, but blamin’ ‘im for this just ain’t gonna make nothin’ better.”

“Blaming him? Just what exactly did you hear?” Adam said as he turned more toward his brother’s voice. “And I want it word for word as much as you can give it to me.”

“You said he’d hurt this family, and it was unpardonable to you…. An’ then Pa asked if you’d told Joe, and you said no, but you was gonna havta an’ set things straight…. Now I know…” But Hoss’ words trailed into the air as he caught sight of his brother’s face. “They ain’t nothin’ funny about this?”

“You’re right, there isn’t, but brothers can still be a pleasure.” The chair squeaked as Adam shifted his weight and set his eyes about where he thought Hoss’ face should be. “You obviously didn’t hear all I said. I do blame him, but I was talking about Frederick Kyle, not Joe. He got his hooks into an impressionable boy, and it wound up hurting us all.”

Hoss let out a puff. “I shoulda knowed better. I shoulda knowed you wasn’t blamin’ Joe, it just ain’t in ya. But don’t you think you oughtta tell ‘im?”

“I tried in the barn yesterday, but you know how our little brother can be when he’s feeling guilty about something. He insists on bearing it alone and flatly refuses to let anybody help him. In his eyes, he did this to me, and he won’t hear anything else…. What worries me, though, is what he’s gonna do about it if I don’t get my sight back. I don’t think he could stand being around me when he believes he did this to me.”

“You don’t think he’d leave.”

“Knowing Joe, what do you think?”

Hoss’ mouth set, and his blue gaze drilled in on his older brother. “I wouldn’t put it past ‘im for a second, an’ that’d finish Pa.”

“I tell you what, why don’t you get Pa out of the house tomorrow so we can have a good talk? I’ll straighten Joe out, one way or the other.”

“That won’t be no problem when I tell Pa why, but Joe’s a whole other matter.”

“You leave that to me, now you better get going, and don’t worry. I’m not gonna let this finish tearing all of us apart.”

Hoss agreed then started off the porch but stopped and turned back. “Adam…, is you scared?”

“Not as long as I have you and Pa and Joe. Now you best get goin’.” Adam could hear his brother walk away, and all emotion drained out of his expression. “Like nobody knows,” he said half to himself.

At this moment he had never felt so alone and isolated. Until now he had been trying to keep positive and wouldn’t let the idea that he would always be this way take hold, but when Hoss had asked him if he was scared he had to tell the truth, if only to himself. And the truth was that he hadn’t been this frightened in a long time. Judging by Joe’s explosion in the barn, he had done a good job at keeping it hidden. The only time he let go was in the privacy of his own room and even that was subdued. He wasn’t going to give in to this thing permanent or not. He took a deep breath and massaged the ache building at the back of his head. He was Adam Cartwright, and he wouldn’t give up, and for the sake of his family, he couldn’t.

SEVEN

When Joe and Hoss rode into the yard the doctor’s buggy was in front of the house, and Joe’s heart took off. He vaulted from the saddle before they had hardly stopped and dashed onto the porch with Hoss calling after him.

Adam, the bandage removed from his head, and sitting in the blue chair, was at the center of Ben’s and Paul’s attention, and they didn’t notice Joe, who froze at the door, come in.

“I wish I could be more optimistic but the truth is I still don’t know,” Paul said as he leaned his square frame back against the round, green-topped table the chairs were gathered around. “But with these things you really can’t put a time limit on it.”

“In other words, you don’t know a bit more than you did,” Adam said matter-of-factly.

Paul ruffled his fingers in his thick mouse brown hair. “That’s about the size of it. But, as they say, hope springs eternal,” he said with a wide grin and slapped Adam on the knee. “I’ll be back in a couple days to find out how you’re doing, but in the meantime…”

“I know, don’t give up hope,” Adam said evenly.

“Exactly.”

Joe couldn’t miss the look that passed between the doctor and his father, and he read a finality there that chilled his young blood. His brother wasn’t going to see again, and no one had to beat him over the head with the fact. He had blinded Adam as sure as if he had struck him a blow with a club, it was that simple.

“I don’t expect anymore problems,” Paul said as he took his coat from the red leather chair closest to the fireplace and shrugged into it. “Like I said, the gash is healing properly, but if you happen to need me I’m heading right back to town and hopefully will be there for the rest of the night.” He sniggered as he took up his hat and battered black leather bag. “But one of the certainties about being a doctor is that you’re never completely certain about anything. Now, you remember what I said.”

“I know. Don’t give up,” Adam said a little brusquely.

Paul gripped Ben’s arm, and the smile faded then he put his hat on and turned for the door. By the time he went out, Hoss was standing with his little brother and they couldn’t miss the change in the man’s bright demeanor.

The room became a vacuum and it was as if no one dared to speak or even breathe, and the ponderous ticking of the big grandfather clock seemed to be weighted down. Adam stood and turned in the direction of the staircase. Ben went to him and took his arm, and Adam’s hands clenched, his finely sculpted mouth drawing in, and his father released his hold. Feeling his way, Adam went toward the staircase. Joe started forward to help him but Hoss’ arm across his chest, and the look he got told him not to interfere. Holding the banister tightly for guidance, Adam started up and no one said or did anything except watch.

<C>

Since the doctor’s visit the house had remained quiet and subdued. Adam hadn’t come back down and hadn’t answered the knocks at his door. When he went into his silent, contemplative periods everyone in the big rough-hewn log house had learned that they usually couldn’t break through but they had yet to stop trying. And right now they felt this was a time when he needed their support so much. Ben and Hoss and Hop Sing were constantly going up there but Joe was noticeably absent.

It wounded Ben to watch his sons suffer through this bleak time. Adam was better as masking his feelings than his brothers, but a father knew that this was tearing him up inside. Even his first-born couldn’t go unscathed by something as life altering as the loss of sight.

He went down the hall carrying a tray then balanced it against his arm and knocked. “Adam…. Adam, I brought you your supper.” He got no answer, and it didn’t really surprise him. “Adam, can I come in?”

He was beginning to think that he might as well go back downstairs when the door opened back and Adam stood before him. It still unnerved him the way his son seemed to be looking past him.

“Smells like duck with sage/rice stuffing.”

“Hop Sing thought you could use one of your favorites tonight.”

“I’m not what you’d call hungry, but since he went to so much effort I’ll make a stab at it.”

Ben eased into the room that was graying with the evening light and placed the tray on the dresser. “Is it all right if I light a lamp?”

“Go ahead,” Adam said as he pushed the door together. “I guess I keep forgetting that just because I don’t need one it doesn’t mean nobody else does.”

Ben took a match from the wooden box nailed to the wall and lit the ruby glass lamp on the end of the dresser. “Now why don’t you sit in the chair, and I’ll set you up?”

Adam had never liked any undue fuss being made over him but tonight he didn’t feel like railing against it. He was tired, it had been a long day, he had eaten like a small bird, and he knew his father meant well. He felt a firm hand take his arm and guide him to the wing chair by the window. Self-reliance was a good thing but sometimes a body just had to cast it aside. One of the things families did at a time like this was stand together, and he wasn’t about to push away the man who had raised him and loved him and always been there for him out of a sense of independence.

The tray was placed in his lap, and his hand wrapped around the handle of the fork.

“The meat’s already been cut and the bread buttered. I thought it would save time to do it before I brought it up.”

“Makes sense.” After a couple attempts Adam speared a piece of the tender fowl and worked it into his mouth. Hop Sing was the best cook on the Washoe, and he was known far and wide for his expertise in the kitchen. Some of his recipes had become the favorites of different Cartwrights. Joe adored his corn pudding, Hoss had a penchant for his doughnuts, their father lived for his fried chicken, and Adam couldn’t get enough of his duck with sage/rice stuffing. But tonight it had about as much taste as a sheet of paper.

Ben sat on the side of the bed holding the water goblet and watching his son eat. Since this had happened he had found himself never straying very far from his oldest. It was hard for him not to make over his son and try to do everything for him but given to Adam’s nature he knew better. More than once he had caught those stern hazel eyes when he had stepped over that invisible line. Even as a child Adam had preferred doing for himself whenever he could, and it had become even more ingrained as he grew to manhood. So when his doggedly independent son gave in to his father’s mothering and allowed him to wait on him, Ben knew something was wrong. And this time no one had to tell him what it was.

“I brought some water to wash that down with.”

Without a word, Adam’s hand came out and the glass was put in it. He took a good slug then handed it back to his father but he didn’t continue, as if he had lost his appetite completely.

“Pa…, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry. What do you have to be sorry about?”

There was a long pause.

“For putting you through this, for pushing you, for all of it. If I weren’t so hammer headed stubborn, and had listened to you the other night…”

Ben reached out and grasped his son’s wrist. “Adam, you were hurt, and I understand that. Sometimes through our pain we lash out and usually at those we love. Not because we’re mad at them or want them to be hurt too, but because they’re there. We were all caught up in Frederick Kyle’s deception, and you and Joe got the worst of it.” His fingers tightened. “And it wasn’t you. If that man hadn’t come here none of this would’ve ever come about. He lost his own wife and son for the cause, he used Joe and he turned brother against brother and for that I’ll never forgive him. As far as I’m concerned, he’s the sole reason for all of this…. Now finish your supper before it gets cold.”

Adam took a few more bites then stopped again. “Pa, tomorrow I’d like for you to go out with Hoss, it doesn’t matter where, just so I’m left alone with Joe. We need some time together, just the two of us, so I can talk to him. We both know what this is doing to him, and I want to try to talk some of that out of his head before it goes any further.”

“I think that’s a very good idea, son. I can’t get through to him so maybe you can…. Now are you going to eat or am I going to have to go downstairs and tell Hop Sing that you didn’t want his duck?”

“I think I can finish now.”

Ben’s hand clenched on the stem of the glass as his eyes centered even more on his son. He hoped that Adam could get through to his younger brother, and get this settled once and for all. If Adam, and the thought still had the ability to paralyze, didn’t get his sight back it would take them all to get through it, and Joe’s self recrimination would only get in the way. He more than maybe others understood what Joe was feeling. After Inger was killed he had gone through the same self doubt and regret for bringing her into such wild country. But he knew she didn’t blame him, and he had had his sons to see him through his grief, and he hoped that a good dose of Adam’s common sense and reasoning could do the same for Joe. He didn’t want to think about it if it couldn’t.

<C>

Joe finished his writing then folded the piece of paper and stuffed it into an envelope and pushed the flap inside. He left it on the dresser then went to the bed table and put out the lamp and lay down on his bed, still dressed. He knew what he had to do, and he couldn’t and wouldn’t let anyone stand in his way. He also knew that Pa and his brothers and even Hop Sing would try to stop him so he had to slip and do it while they weren’t around. Lacing his fingers behind his head, he stared up at the dark void of the ceiling. He would just lay here and rest and maybe doze a little while the household went to sleep, and some time before morning when it was yet dark he would ride out. Tears flooded his emerald eyes there in the night. The idea was repugnant to him but there was no other way. It was an ugly fact, but he couldn’t stay there any longer.

EIGHT

Joe wasn’t completely certain what time it was when he eased down the stairs – his saddle bags draped over his shoulder – but he figured it was at least a couple hours until dawn. A small halo of warmth radiated out from the banked fire and greeted him as he came down. He moved with the stealth of a lioness stalking her unwary prey so that he wouldn’t disturb anyone, and went to the green-topped table. Taking the envelope from his pale grayish jacket he propped it against his father’s humidor and wiped the mist from his eyes. Maybe he wasn’t doing the right thing, but for him he felt it was the only thing. With a quiet sigh, he took his hat from the rack and put it on then buckled on his gun belt. With a last look to the upstairs, and his sleeping family, he went to the door and gingerly opened it.

“Joe.”

Joe nearly choked and turned toward the stairs and stood perfectly still, his hand resting on the door handle, his saddlebags still over his shoulder. Adam stepped onto the landing, his head tilted to one side. Maybe if he stood perfectly motionless Adam wouldn’t know he was there. He hated to use his brother’s blindness against him but it could work to Joe’s advantage.

“Joe, I know it’s you, and I know you’re still there so you might as well answer me.”

Joe continued to stand like a mute statue.

“I figured you’d try something like this…. Do you think that because I can’t see you that I don’t know you’re there…? Unless I miss my guess, you’re still standing at the door. Am I right?”

Joe swallowed hard and hoped his rapid breathing didn’t give him away.

“We can stand here until the others get up, and then where’ll you be? Caught, right…? Two stubborn mules well met, ay, younger brother…. Joe, for Pete’s sake, talk to me…. Is this because you think I’m blaming you for what happened? Or maybe you just can’t stand looking at me anymore. Is that it…? I’ve never thought of you as a coward but what you’re planning on doing is cowardly. What about Pa? What about Hoss? This isn’t only about you, you know…. Do you want me to say this is your fault…? All right, it’s your fault. Now are you satisfied?”

Joe wished he would just think he had been wrong, and go on back to bed. He knew it was only a matter of time before someone heard them, and came to see what was going on.

“Answer me, Joe, I know you’re there, I can feel you…. All right, if you won’t come to me, I’ll come to you,” Adam said and started down a bit too fast. As he did the toe of his slipper caught on one of the balusters, and he pitched forward.

“Adam!” Joe shouted as he dashed for the stairs, his saddlebags hitting the floor.

Adam’s shadowy form tumbled down the steps before Joe’s horrified eyes, and he couldn’t seem to move fast enough. It was as if he were moving through thick mud that hampered his legs. His heart beat into his mouth, and he wanted to cry out but he couldn’t.

Adam hit the floor in a pile all at once, his head only inches from the legs of one of the chairs. Then he heard his brother franticly saying his name, and a hand grasped his arm.

“Adam, are you all right? Can you hear me?”

Adam was so still that it frightened Joe to his core.

“Adam, say something, anything.”

“I should’ve watched where I was going,” came from the darkness.”

A nervous giggle left Joe, and he helped Adam to sit up. “Are you all right? You’re not hurt, are you?”

“I’m all right. I bumped my head a little, but I’m all right” Adam had to hunt for his brother’s face. He ran his fingertips lightly over the rakish mouth and along the firm jaw and felt the tenseness of the muscles. He had scared the wits out of his brother, and eyesight wasn’t necessary to confirm it. He had heard it in the shaken voice, and could feel it now in the hand tight on his arm, and the fingers digging into his flesh.

“What’s going on down here?” boomed from the head of the stairs.

Joe and Adam turned to where their father stood in the glow of the lamp he held, Hoss standing behind him. “What’re you two doing…? Why’re you sitting in the floor?”

“We’re just talking, Pa,” Adam said as he gave his little brother a sly wink. “Sorry we woke you and Hoss up. I hooked my foot and took a little spill, and Joe was helping me up.”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, Pa. Now why don’t you and Hoss go on back to bed? Me and Joe have a few things to talk about then we’ll be right up.”

“All right, but don’t stay too long.”

“We won’t. Goodnight, Pa.”

Ben and Hoss said their goodnights then returned to their rooms, and Joe and Adam were left in the dark again.

“Joe,” he said as he placed his hand against his brother’s cheek, “I have never held fault with you for this. And if I never see my family for the rest of my life they’ll always be there to keep me company in the darkness. There is guilt to be placed in all this but a man like Frederick Kyle never feels guilty over anything he does to attain his goal. Fanatics never do.” Adam took his hand away. “Maybe I could’ve handled my side of it better, and maybe I could’ve tried seeing your side of it more but I just didn’t…. And I shouldn’t’ve shoved you that day at the wreckage of the coach…. I’m sorry, Joe.”

“Now it’s my turn,” Joe said as the hint of a smile crept over his lips. “I don’t know how I could’ve turned my back on the man who helped raise me, who’s always been there for me, on my own brother for somebody I hardly knew. Proving to everybody that I’m a man was so important to me that I couldn’t see what I was doing to my family…. When I hit you the other day I was so mad that I don’t think it would’ve bothered me if I’d hurt you.”

Adam’s face went perfectly solemn. “You did hurt me. It’s not like you haven’t hit me before, so that wasn’t it…. It’s why you hit me, but now that I think back on it I know it was just anger with maybe some confusion thrown in for good measure…. If I hadn’t been too mule headed to listen to what Pa was trying to tell me and ridden out of here like a fool I wouldn’t be in the predicament I’m in now.”

“Then you’re not the only fool in this family. I played right into Kyle’s hands.” Joe shook his head.

“And if Tom Madigan over at the International House hadn’t told me a few things I wouldn’t’ve been the wiser either. He had us all tricked, Joe. I just happened to stumble across the fact that he didn’t run into you by accident. Truth of the matter is that he was looking for you the minute he hit town. You were only a small part of a larger plan.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Would you’ve listened to me if I had? Or would you’ve told me I was wrong? It doesn’t really matter now. It’s behind us, and that’s where it should stay. It’s time to move on with our lives and leave that part of it in the dust where it belongs. Okay, brother?”

The hint turned into a full-blown grin, and Joe gripped Adam’s hand. “Okay, brother.”

“Now help me out of this hard floor before my tailbone finishes cutting through.”

Adam got his feet under him as his brother took his arm and helped him to stand. He wished he could see Joe’s face, but since he couldn’t he would have to imagine the gleam in those wicked emerald eyes. He felt they had reached an understanding and only the days and weeks and months ahead would prove if he was right.

<C>

When Ben came down the stairs for breakfast he got as far as the landing and stopped. Adam was sitting in the red leather chair before a blazing fire, the flames glinting in his eyes, and Joe was huddled in the blue one sound asleep. Ben finished tucking in his shirt as he went into the parlor and stood in front of the hearth.

“I thought you two were going back to bed.”

“We intended to but we had some things we needed to get out in the open, and the time just kinda got away from us.”

“Do you think it did any good?” Ben said as he glanced at his sleeping son.

“I don’t think we have to worry about Joe anymore.”

“And what about you?”

Adam went pensive and his dark eyes narrowed. “I’ll get along, I always have.”

“That’s not what I asked. I want to know about you.”

Adam took a deep breath and leaned forward against his knees and let the warmth of the fire wrap over his face. He had been so concerned with those around him that he hadn’t given himself much thought at all. His father’s reassuring hand rested on his back, and it strengthened a resolve that he would get through this come what may. “I’m all right. I am, after all, a Cartwright, and adversity is a way of life with us…. If I give in to this then Kyle will’ve won, and I won’t give him the satisfaction…. Life isn’t about your eyes; it’s about living and being who and what you are, like it or not.”

Ben began rubbing his back in circles as he had when they were children. Adam was right, life was about living, and his boys were the largest part of his existence. He was proud of them, and he didn’t think he had ever been prouder of Adam than he was right at this moment. And so would Elizabeth be if she could see their son.

EPILOGUE

It had been two days since Adam and Joe had had their talk, and the youngest Cartwright wouldn’t be leaving after all. The doctor had been out once more but still had nothing to tell them. Ben was coming to grips with the fact that his first-born son could possibly be blind for the rest of his life and Hoss was, well, Hoss. Hop Sing had his hands full keeping the household and the family but was, as always, up to the task.

Adam, in what had become a part of his daily routine, was sitting on the porch listening to life go on around him. He figured this was simply a period of adjustment to what could be a lifelong thing, though this morning in some ways had been different. Since supper the night before he had noticed that things were more gray than black, and he thought a few times that he had caught spots of light in all the ink. He hadn’t said anything to the others about it, especially Pa, since he didn’t want to build any false hopes.

Suddenly, a clamor emanated from the barn but he just sat and sipped his tea. He was learning to tell what was menacing and what wasn’t and the sound of his brothers’ agitated voices mixed in with the crashes made him grin.

“What in the world is going on out there?” Ben asked next to him as he stepped outside.

“My brothers are hard at work,” he said casually and took a sip.

After a minute or so Adam picked up on the bleating of a goat and heard the scuff of its hooves, and had an idea what was going on. His brothers came out shouting at it and something hit the side of the barn. He could hear his father making a valiant effort not to laugh.

It was like a furious whirlwind as Joe and Hoss blustered over to them, and Ben’s endeavor became ever harder. Hoss looked like he had tangled with a bale of straw, and it stuck out in places, and Joe had a bucket on his head, the bail under his chin, and a dark curl hanging over his forehead.

“Dadblame goat,” Hoss griped.

“The Ramsey’s?” Ben asked.

“Yeah,” Joe muttered, “again. I wish they’d find out how he keeps getting out of his pen.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad if’n he wasn’t all time chewin’ on somthin’ an’ liked buttin’ folks so much.”

Adam tittered, and Joe whirled on him.

“And what’re you laughing at,” Joe said indignantly.

Adam couldn’t keep a straight face. “Joe…, you look ridiculous in your new hat.”

“Well, now, I’d like to know…” but Joe stopped in mid sentence and went the color of chalk. “What did you just say?”

“That you look ridiculous in your new hat. Really, Joe,” and one eyebrow raised.

“Thththththat’s what I thought you said.”

Ben came around in front of Adam and took hold of his shoulders. “Adam, can you see me?”

“Not so clear yet, but yeah, Pa, I can see you.”

Joe yanked the bucket from his head and – with a whoop they probably heard in Sacramento – gave it a fling into the yard.

“What go on out here?” Hop Sing said as he came out onto the porch.

“Adam can see, Hop Sing,” Ben said exuberantly. “He can see.”

“Of course he see, he Cartlight. Now you come eat dinner, or I throw out.” Then Hop Sing turned to go back inside, and no one caught the grin of satisfaction paste itself over his face.

Adam sat the cup down and started to stand, and his father grasped his arm. “I don’t need any help, Pa. Not this time. Now I sure would hate for Hop Sing to throw that out.” He raised his head and, sniffed exaggeratedly. “Bacon and fried potatoes.”

Ben gathered his sons around him, and his eyes locked with the dark hazel ones, and this time he knew they saw him. Maybe he was perceived as fuzzy but he knew it would improve – he couldn’t let himself think otherwise. His universe revolved around his sons, and today it was brighter than it had been for a few days.

“Let’s go eat,” he said and slapped Hoss and Adam on the back then they started inside.

Today Adam could see, and tomorrow would take care of itself.

THE END

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