A Gift of Love
by
Janice Sagraves

ONE

The snow drifted lazily to earth in flakes of gossamer to join that already on the ground. The air was cold and crisp, and warm breath floated into it in vaporous puffs that quickly dissipated. Silence stood crystal clear only to be broken by the crunch of feet as the man led the big horse along the clearing edged on both sides by age-old pines with a sprinkling in of new growth. They continued trudging up a slight rise and came to a stop before a young Ponderosa of about six feet or so, its boughs laden in white. Maybe it wasn’t so big but it was exactly what he wanted. He had seen it a few months back, and knew it would be perfect, and he could hardly wait to see the child-like wonder glitter in her deep violet eyes when he lugged it in. He dropped the halter lead then took the axe from the rig on the bay’s back. He almost hated cutting down this stately youngster but this would be the first Christmas in their house, and he wanted it to be extra special so he wrapped his gloved hands around the wooden handle, and gave a mighty swing. Nothing was too good for the love of his life.

*******

A fire danced in the hearth in the parlor side of the large ell-shaped room of the big white house on The Angel ranch. Supper dishes had been cleared from the dining table and lamps added a soft orangey radiance to the homey scene. The scent of gingerbread wafted into every corner and rose to the ceiling.

Adam Cartwright was wrapping a garland of popcorn and peanuts around the tree that sat before the window to the right of the sturdy front door. Carefully, he draped it over the evergreen fronds so that it hung in swags.

Five months expecting Angelica Cartwright sat in the floor, the skirt of her magenta dress spread over the room size rug, her legs hidden demurely beneath it. She was going through a box of ornaments sitting next to her. Some of them had come from her home back in Bangor, others from the Ponderosa, and still others were brand new and were seeing their first holiday season. She took out a paper and lace cherub with a delicate painted face, and held it up.

“I think this one should go on first.”

“Which one?” he asked as he peered around from behind the tree.

“This one,” she said as she held it out for his inspection. “It’s one of those we bought in Bantree, and since cherubs signify love I think it’ll be perfect. Don’t you?”

“Whatever you want, sweetheart is just fine with me.”

“But don’t you think it’s a perfect choice? Especially since it’s a new one.”

“Why a new one?” he said as he looked around the other side of the tree. “Isn’t a cherub a cherub?”

“Oh, you men. Sometimes you’re about as romantic as a stone.” She sat there with her mouth drawn into a bow then slowly her gaze rose, and she caught sight of those mischievous dark hazel eyes locked on her. “Oh, you. You’re teasing me.”

“Just a little,” he said as he finished with the garland and stepped back and crossed his arms over his broad chest. “There, now how does that look?”

She tilted her head first to one side then the other and a dark brown tendril fell loose. “Perfect. Now for the candle holders.”

“But first,” he said as he came over to her. He bent down and kissed her inviting lips then took the ornament from her and returned to the tree with it and hung it prominently in front. “How’s that?”

“Just right. We’ll decorate the whole tree around it.”

“Now for the candle holders,” he said and began scrounging in another box.

Maggie O’Shea came out of the kitchen with a platter heaped with gingerbread cutouts. She had been with the Cadence family since she was a girl, and she had known Angelica since she was a child. She hadn’t really wanted to leave Bangor but she was glad she had come to work for the Cartwright’s. And she had always been good with babies.

“These are still a bit warm,” she said in her hearty Irish brogue as she held them down to Angelica. “And I baked plenty, so you can eat some if you’d like.”

“I’d like,” Angelica said as she snagged one of the many-pointed stars and bit the side out of it.

“Oh, boy,” Adam said as he clipped one of the holders to a branch and a single eyebrow rose. “You should’ve left them in the kitchen until we needed them. Now we won’t have any left for the tree.”

Angelica frowned, and her mouth puckered. “You’re not funny, Mr. Cartwright.”

“I’m not trying to be, Mrs. Cartwright.”

“I can always bake more,” Maggie said as she placed the platter on the seat of Adam’s favorite blue chair then pushed back her silver-tipped dark hair. “Now do you need me anymore?”

“No, Maggie, thank you,” Adam said and picked up another holder.

“Then I think I’ll go to my room and read the Bible before I turn in. I always read about the Nativity on the eve of Christmas. Good night.”

They wished her a good night, and she went back through the dining room and into the kitchen.

The room fell quiet except for the crunching of cookie, and Adam kept to his task.

“Adam,” Angelica said as she looked thoughtfully at him, “would you tell me a story?”

“A story? Aren’t you a little big for stories?” he said as he hid his grin behind the tree.

“I think it all depends on what kind of story you want to hear. Children like fairy tales and fables while adults like the true kind.”

“Then what would you like to hear about?” he asked as he delved into the box for another holder.

Her mouth eased into a smile, and her eyes sparkled in the soft light. “When you were a boy? Do you realize that after five months I know very little about Adam the child? And I’d like to get to know you as your father did.” The smile turned into a wicked grin. “Were you a precocious imp?”

“Well, let’s just say that my father had his hands full with three of us.” He couldn’t conceal his amusement as he watched her. “All right, what would you like to hear?”

Her fine brows drew down as her teeth demolished the remains of the gingerbread, and one could almost see her mind wander. Then her deep eyes rose to his face. “A Christmas story. A Christmas story about when you and your brothers were children. That’s what I’d like to hear.”

“All right, a Christmas story it’ll be, but you’ll havta give me a minute to figure out which one. After thirty-five years my head’s full of all kinds.”

“I can wait.” She watched him as he moved around the tree and marveled at what had been given to her. Tall, straight, long-limbed and dark, he was all any woman could dream of having, and he made her life complete.

“Okay, I have one.”

She leaned forward and grabbed a couple more cookies from the platter then settled herself back against the floor. “All ready,” and she took a bite.

“It was December of ’48. I was eighteen, Hoss was twelve and Joe was six. We lived about a mile from where the house is now in a smaller cabin that Pa had built.”

She thought she caught a streak of sadness cross his face but she didn’t say anything, only continued to munch.

“Our mother, Joe’s mother actually, had been killed that July, and this would be out first Christmas without her.” He stopped with his hands hovering over a branch. “Sometimes it feels like only yesterday.” He shook his head. “Enough of that. Where was I? Oh, yeah.”

She fell into the sound of his rich baritone, mesmerized by his presence, as the cookies steadily disappeared, one bite at a time.

TWO

A gray sky hung sullen and snow-heavy as the trees twisted in a swift winter wind that whistled around the sides of the small, single-story log house. The sun was shrouded as if by thick smoke that refused to clear to allow its warming rays to reach the already whitened ground. It was the twentieth of December, and Christmas was five days away, but this year the holiday’s spirit had been tarnished.

The slim, black-haired youth’s long legs propelled him the short distance from the house to the barn as he hunched and pulled his collar up around his neck. Removing the bar from across the doors, he shoved them open and went inside, glad to get out of the gale.

The building was cold as a cave but the walls cut off the wind so it wasn’t so biting. The teenager raised his head and pushed the light beige hat back, releasing a raven shock. His melancholy dark hazel eyes scanned over the stalls to stop on the only empty one at the back. Undoing the top two buttons of his coat, he took out a small leather bound book, and went straight to where his mother’s horse had been kept. When it had fallen and rolled on her its leg had been broken, and Pa had had to shoot it.

Sitting in the corner and nestling into the straw for warmth, the boy opened the little volume of poetry to the slip of paper he was using to mark his place. John Keats had been his mother’s favorite poet, and the book had belonged to her.

His eyes traced the musical stanzas across the page and allowed them to sing in his mind. The words painted pictures and spoke of many different things, and they had the power to comfort. From a relatively early age he had been drawn to the magic of rhyme, and it only intensified as he grew older.

He could remember friendly arguments with her over the merits of Shakespeare over Keats and vice versa that usually ended in laughter. Oh, how he missed her. The first couple years of their relationship had been rocky to say the least, but once the barrier had been broken, love and pride in her adopted son had been the key to opening his heart, and he had come to adore her as if she had been his birth mother.

As he sat there, faint light streaming in through the only window, and his hat lying in the straw, he heard the door open, and his fingers clutched tighter on the book. Maybe if he sat perfectly still and breathed as lightly as possible they wouldn’t find him.

“Adam.” Boots thumped over the floor as they drew closer. “I thought I’d find you out here.”

After a brief moment, Adam finally looked up at his father. Pa had always seemed larger than life to his eldest son, but when Marie was killed Adam had seen him as he had only once before.

“Is it all right if I sit with you?”

Adam wasn’t in any real big mood for company but this was, after all, his father. “All right,” he said as he closed the book, his finger marking his place.

The big man, his black hair silvering at the temples, sat next to his son and leaned back against the stall divider. His coffee brown eyes darted to what the boy held, and a gentle smile turned his full mouth. “Her poetry book again?”

Adam looked down at it, and his hands tightened against it. “When it’s with me it’s like she is too…. I can hear her voice when she would read it out loud, and see her sitting in that rickety old rocking chair by the fire.” His tear rimmed eyes turned back to his father. “I know it’s only been five months, and I can’t expect to get over it so fast, but, Pa, I don’t think I will even after five years…. But it’s not me I worry so much about as it is Hoss and especially Joe…. I found Joe under the bed again this morning.”

“And you got under there with him just like you always do. What did you talk about this time?”

“It started out about Mother just like it always does, but then he asked me a question that really shook me up.”

“And what did he ask?”

“If she would be mad if he came to stay with her now.”

Some of the color left Ben’s face. “And what did you tell him?”

“That she didn’t want him to come now. That there’s too much for him to do here, and she’ll wait for him. That he has to stay here with us and do things so he’ll have something to tell her when he does get there.” He turned his attention back to the book, and his head dropped. “I don’t think it was that he wanted to… die, I just think it’s because he misses her so much, and wants to be with her.”

“Just like we all do,” Ben said as his arm eased around his son’s shoulders. “And I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but things will get better, just like it did when we lost Inger.”

“But if it weren’t Christmas.”

“I know, but she wouldn’t want us letting this spoil it for us.”

“But how can it not, Pa?” Adam snapped as his head shot up, and amber sparks laced his dark eyes. “How can it not? We both saw that horse fall on her, and we all had to watch her die! So how can it not spoil everything?”

Adam clutched the book close, and grabbed his hat as he scrambled to his feet. His father called after him as he ran out but it did no good.

*******

After supper Adam sat off to himself in a corner of the parlor with the precious little book, a candle on a small table burning nearby. He didn’t seem to notice his brothers in the floor before the fireplace playing checkers or his father puffing on the pipe that had belonged to him since his days at sea. But at the same time, they didn’t see the secretive eyes occasionally dart to them.

Adam hadn’t meant to be so sharp with his father. Pa was hurting as bad as any one of them, probably even worse, and he didn’t need his sons getting snappish with him. He would wait until Pa was alone in his room, and then he would apologize for his behavior earlier that day in the barn.

Behind the security of the book, he watched as his father leaned forward in the creaky rocking chair and took out his watch and opened it. He held it down to the firelight then closed it and put it back into his britches pocket. “It’s getting late,” Ben announced, “and I think we should all turn in.”

“Pa, cain’t we finish our game?” Hoss protested as he ruffled his fine brown hair.

“It’s almost nine o’clock.”

“Well, it won’t take long,” he said as his nose wrinkled between his sky blue eyes. “I got Joe just about beat.”

Emerald eyes rose from where the curly-headed six-year-old lay stretched on his stomach. Stealthily, he switched one of his pieces with one of his brother’s, and when he didn’t get caught, he did it again.

Adam’s gaze fell back to the page, and his grin stayed behind the book. He had known about Joe’s cheating for some time and wondered how long he would get away with it, and winced at what would happen when he got caught.

“Well, all right,” Ben conceded, “but no longer than quarter after nine. I don’t want to have to come back out and herd you two into bed.”

“Adam can do it,” Joe said without looking back.

“Your older brother has better things to do with his time than always keep you two in line.”

“I don’t mind, Pa,” came from the corner. “You go on, and don’t worry about it.”

“If you’re sure, son,” Ben said as he came to his feet.

“I’m sure,” Adam said as he peered over the top of the book, “and if they get out of hand I know how to handle ‘em.”

Ben smiled at his boys and after an exchange of ‘goodnights’ he extinguished his pipe, and went on to his room.

“Hey, you cheatin’, Joe?”

“Why would you say that? I don’t havta cheat to whip you. Now it’s your move.”

“I dunno. I think you’re cheatin’ an’ I have for a long time, I just cain’t prove it.”

Adam closed the book as he stood and started toward his brothers. “If you two are gonna haggle, you’ll just go to bed right now. Now I’ve got something I want to talk to Pa about so you’d better be finished when I get back.”

“But Pa said…,” Hoss started.

“This is what I say,” Adam said as he glared at them then turned and started away. Behind him they quibbled over his edict, and it curved the sides of his finely sculpted mouth.

Raising his hand he knocked at his father’s door. “Pa, it’s Adam. Can I come in for a few minutes?”

Only after his father bade him enter did he go inside, and closed the door behind him.

“Are you having trouble with your brothers?” Ben asked as he removed his shirt, and hung it over the back of a chair.

“No, Pa, nothing like that…. I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted in the barn today.”

“That’s all right, son. I understand.” He slipped the nightshirt on over his head. “We’ve all been under a lot of strain since July, and I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“But that doesn’t make it right…. I know you only have our best interests in mind, and I…”

“Adam,” he stepped to his son and rested a firm hand on his shoulder, “she was your mother, and I know how much you loved her. Granted it wasn’t so smooth at first, and I know you’re feeling guilty about that, but that was years ago, and she never held anything against you for it. It’s time you put that part of it behind you, and only remember the good times.”

“But I was wrong, Pa.”

“And I was wrong this past summer when I rode off and left my sons because my grief blinded me to what they were feeling. I can still see you standing there when I rode away…. And the night when Chet told me you’d been hurt, and I came home and saw you lying so still…. You’re not the only one who can feel guilt.”

“I understand that.”

“Then we’re even,” Ben said and gave him a pat. “Now why don’t you just go on to bed? And if you have any problems with your brothers you just let me know.”

“I will, Pa. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, son.”

As Adam stepped out the door closed behind him. Regardless of what his father told him, he still carried with him a guilt that he couldn’t shed himself of, and he wondered if he ever would.

“That time I almost caught ya.”

“Caught what?” Joe said innocently.

Adam shook his head and went toward his brothers before checkers started flying as they had the last time.

THREE

Adam turned over on the cot by the door where he slept then realized what had awakened him. With a grunt he turned back to face the big bed across the room. In the scant bit of light streaming in through the window he could barely make out movement.

“Mama! Mama!”

Riffling his fingers in his heavy black hair, Adam got up, his bare feet hitting the cold floor, and stumbled forward.

Joe was thrashing about in his sleep and calling franticly for his mother. Hoss, like a big dead log, just lay there sound asleep and snoring.

“Mama, I can’t find you! Where are you?”

Raising the covers, Adam slid in next to his little brother. “It’s all right, Joe,” he said softly. “She’s right here, and she always will be.”

“Mama!” he screamed, and his eyes flashed open. “Adam.”

“It’s all right, Joe.”

“What’s goin’ on?” came groggily from the other side of the bed.

“Everything’s all right, Hoss. Joe was just having a bad dream. Go on back to sleep.”

“You sure.”

“Everything’s fine, now you go on back to sleep.”

Adam watched as Hoss flopped over then his attention returned to Joe. “You go back to sleep too.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“I’ll be right here all night.”

“Adam, I miss ‘er so much.”

“I know you do. We all do, but no matter what she’ll always be right here,” and he touched his brother’s chest over his heart. “She’ll live right there as long as you do.”

“But it’s not the same.”

“I know, but no one can ever take it away from you.” Adam’s arms tightened around him. “And there’ll always be the memories.”

“It’s still not the same,” and Joe began to cry.

Adam rested his cheek against the top of the soft dark brown, curly head. “I know, buddy, I know.”

*******

It was still dark – the gentle glow of an oil lamp lighting the room’s rough log walls – as the Cartwright brothers got dressed for another day. Hoss and Joe liked making a race out of it and seeing who could finish first, while their older brother took his time. Joe never did it by what he would do something to slow Hoss down, whether it was pulling his suspenders off his shoulders or hiding a garment or some other childish prank. Either way, Adam enjoyed watching them, and it helped soften the blows of life.

“Last one to the table is a rotten egg!” Joe, recovered in typical youngster’s fashion from the night’s bad dream, shouted exuberantly as he jerked the door open and bolted out.

Hoss went after him hopping on one foot while he tugged his boot on the other. “Dadburnit, Joe.”

Adam snickered as he sat on the side of the bed and started putting his boots on. His brothers were a constant source of joy and amusement for him. When something hurt one of them it injured him as well, and caused him the greatest concern.

He could still feel his little brother trembling in his arms from the night before, and he was glad he hadn’t been able to see those wounded green eyes. He had before, and it was enough to tear a grown man’s heart out. When he was sad or upset, Joe had a way of looking at you that could make you cry whether you wanted to or not.

Through the summer they had all been worried about the little boy, and they had all spent time with him trying to get him through the loss of his mother. Adam had spent the most time with him, and being with Joe had helped him work out his own grief. They had come through that bleak time, some better than others, but now the approach of Christmas, Marie Cartwright’s favorite holiday, was threatening to sink them into renewed anguish, hence the return of Joe’s nightmares about his mother.

He stood and stomped his feet to settle the boots then put out the lamp and left the room. As he got to the dining room, his father was just sitting down and had to fight Joe and Hoss out of the food.

Adam took his place at the other end of the table, and the family clasped hands and bowed their heads.

“We thank thee, oh Lord, for thy blessings and thy bounty, and for thy love that sustains us and sees us through the trials and hardships of life. We also thank thee for one another, and the gift of family. Amen.”

‘Amen’ ran about the table followed by the clink of china and the thumps of bowls. It was a chore feeding three growing boys, especially when of on them was Hoss. He didn’t eat like his father, he didn’t eat like his little brother, and he didn’t eat like Adam, he ate like all three of them put together.

Hop Sing, their twenty-three-year old cook, bustled out of the kitchen with a platter of ham, his long braid swishing across his back.

“Oh, boy,” Hoss said, and speared two slices with his fork before it was even placed on the table.

“You be patient,” Hop Sing chastised and smacked the back of his hand. “And you not make pig out of self. Father and blothers like eat too.”

“I cain’t help it, Hop Sing. I just git so hungry.”

The little man’s obsidian eyes rolled back then he turned for the kitchen, and no one saw the wide grin spread over his round face.

“Boys,” Ben said as he filled his cup from the coffee pot, “I’ve been giving a lot of thought to something.”

“What’s that, Pa?” Adam asked as he slathered honey on his thickly buttered biscuit.

“I think we should do something special for Christmas this year.”

All sounds of gobbling abated, and three sets of youthful eyes fell onto their father.

“Your mother did so love the holiday,” he went on, “and I think she would be pleased to know we’ll have one of the best Christmas’ ever.”

“But, Pa,” Joe started as he dropped his fork, and it clattered against his plate, “how can we without Mama?”

Ben looked at him straight and gripped his arm firmly as a smile formed. “Because she would want us to, and I don’t think we should disappoint her, do you?”

After a minute of complete silence Adam spoke up. “No, Pa, I don’t. But what could we do?”

The lamp light twinkled in Ben’s coffee eyes as he took a sip of his chicory. “I think if we put our heads together we can come up with something.”

“But what?” Hoss asked and stuffed a bite of egg into his mouth. “What could be so special?”

“Hoss, how many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?”

“Sorry, Pa,” the boy said, and his head lowered over his plate.

“Missy always want go for sleigh lide,” came from the direction of the kitchen.

All attention focused on the little cook as he brought another bowl of biscuits to the table.

“She tell me one time when we talk, but she ask I not tell. It our seclet. She not want you wolly because you not able to do for her.”

“I wished she’d told me,” Ben said with a hint of sadness that quickly disappeared into inspiration. “That’s a splendid idea, Hop Sing.”

“But, Pa, we don’t got a sleigh,” Hoss said as he temporarily forgot his food, “an’ we don’t know nobody who does.”

“I don’t think we should let that stop us,” Ben said as his eyes took in his sons one at a time. “We are, after all, Cartwrights, and I think we can come up with something by the twenty-third.”

“Why the twenty-third?” Adam asked.

“Because that’s when all five of us are going for a sleigh ride to get a tree.”

FOUR

Since Ben’s pronouncement the house had become abuzz with excitement, mainly from the two youngest boys. Even Hop Sing flitted about like a hummingbird and couldn’t keep hidden his eager anticipation. Only Adam wasn’t so enthusiastic about the venture. He couldn’t understand why his father would want to try such a thing when they didn’t even have the wherewithal to carry it off. Still, he wasn’t going to put a damper on his family’s spirits, especially after what they had been through. Anything that would make them forget even for a short time couldn’t be a bad thing.

“Where you goin’?” Joe asked as he came toward his brother polishing off the remains of a doughnut.

“Out to the barn to find Pa,” Adam said as he finished buttoning up. “I think that’s where he went.”

“Can I come too?”

“Sure. Get your coat, buddy.”

“How ‘bout me?” Hoss asked as he bounced up from the old rocker by the fire.

“Why not? We’ll make it a family thing.”

In a mad rush, the two boys got into their coats and hats and joined their brother at the door. The three of them traipsed out to the barn where they found their father rummaging around.

“Now I know I saw it,” he said half to himself.

“Can we help you look for something, Pa?” Adam asked.

“Two long boards and I know they’re out here,” he said as he whirled to his sons. “If we took the wheels off the buckboard and put runners in their place, we’d have a first class sleigh, but I can’t find what I’m looking for.”

The boys spread out around the barn with earnest digging. Joe shinnied up the ladder to the loft, and vanished from sight.

Adam knew there was nothing up there but he let his little brother alone. He had an idea what his father was looking for, and he vaguely remembered seeing it but he couldn’t, for the life of him, remember where or even when.

“Are these the ones?” Hoss asked as he came out past one of the stalls dragging what looked like the objects of his father’s search.

Ben’s eyes lit up like two candles as he rushed at his son to examine the boy’s find. “I knew they were out here,” he said as he ran his hand over the smooth wood. “And with a little work I think they’ll do just fine. Now let’s get at it.”

*******

Hop Sing carried sandwiches and milk out to them, along with slabs of cinnamon laced dried apple cake. They had been working in the chill of the barn for hours, and the food was welcomed along with the respite.

Adam noticed almost immediately that his little brother had taken his and gone up to the loft so he followed after the youngster with his own. As he reached the top of the ladder he could only just make Joe out in the gloom sitting alone in a corner.

“Is it all right if I join you?”

“I guess,” Joe said with a sullen tone.

Carefully balancing everything, Adam came on up and went to pop down next to his brother. He could see that Joe didn’t really seem so interested in eating.

“I’m starved. I could eat one of Hoss’ bears.” He eyed Joe warily as he took a man-sized bite from the side of his sandwich.

Something was disturbing the boy, and it didn’t take a scholar to guess the likely problem, but he decided not to say anything. When Joe got ready tell him, he would be ready to listen.

Adam’s attention was more focused on Joe than his plate, but it was subtle so as not to give him away. He again bit into the fried ham sandwich, and his eyes clandestinely stayed on his brother.

“Adam, is what we’re doing wrong? The more I think about it the more it don’t feel right. I was real excited at first but now…”

“Why would it be wrong?”

“I dunno…. Yes, I do. It don’t feel right doing it without Mama and Pa…” The boy scrubbed the back of his hand over his nose. “He acts like he don’t miss ‘er anymore.”

“He misses her so much, and in a way we can’t understand.”

“Why not?”

“She was our mother, but she was his wife.”

“And that’s different?”

“Yeah, Joe,” Adam said as one side of his mouth crooked, “it’s different, and someday you’ll know.”

“But he’s laughin’, and he hasn’t talked about ‘er once since we’ve been out here.”

“Well, I can explain that.” He sidled closer and put his arm around Joe. “Sometimes by not talking about somebody you can distance yourself and others from the pain a little. But just because he doesn’t talk about her doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about her.”

“I don’t get it. If he don’t wantta talk about ‘er, why does he wantta think about ‘er?”

“He’s doing it for us. You know Pa. A lot of times he does things for us even when they hurt him because he loves us. Remember last year when he pushed you out of the way, and let the snake bite him? He would rather be hurt himself than let it happen to any of us. So, to let us forget for a little while, he doesn’t talk about the woman he loves.”

“Don’t ya mean loved?”

“No, Joe. He still loves her just like he still loves my mother and Hoss’. Just because somebody dies doesn’t mean the love does. When you get older you’ll know better what I mean.”

While Adam ate he watched Joe ponder over what he had just been told. Unlike their older brother, Hoss and Joe weren’t that adept at hiding their feelings, leastways not yet, and he doubted whether Hoss ever would be.

“Adam.”

“Um-hum,” he said as he washed his food down with a slug of milk.

“Is it all right if I laugh too?”

“It’s more’n all right, Joe. I think our mother’d be disappointed if you didn’t. You remember how she loved to laugh? She gave you the same gift, and she wouldn’t want you to waste it. So the very next time you feel like it, give it all you’ve got. Nobody’ll think bad of you, and it’ll make Pa happy to know that you are too. And laughing is one of the best ways to show it.”

With his thoughts obviously elsewhere, Joe picked up his sandwich and took a bite. “I dunno. It just don’t seem right…, and I still don’t feel like it.”

Since his mother’s death the boy had stopped laughing, and hadn’t uttered even the trace of a giggle. He had pretty much returned to his own fun-loving self except for the fact that he wouldn’t laugh, and Adam didn’t want to push his brother into what he apparently wasn’t ready for.

“You boys better get down here!” their father’s voice boomed from below. “Me and Hoss aren’t gonna finish this by ourselves!”

“Come on, Joe, we’d better eat up and get down there before Pa’s gets steamed.”

Joe looked at him, and Adam searched for his little brother in all that emerald, and what he found there assured him that Joe wasn’t lost to them.

*******

When they finally rounded into the house they were tired and ready for bed. Ben held his youngest – who had long since fallen asleep – as he came in behind his other two sons.

“I’m gonna go see if’n I can find somethin’ to eat in the kitchen. I’m hungrier ‘n bear,” Hoss said, and he took off.

“I’ll take ‘im, Pa,” Adam said as he held his arms out to receive the sleeping boy.

Ben transferred Joe to the awaiting arms of his oldest brother, and the child hardly woke. Smoothing back the soft curls, he lovingly kissed the top of the adored head resting again Adam’s chest.

Adam could see the worry in his father’s bottomless eyes. “He will, Pa. When the time’s right, he will.”

“I hope you’re right. Marie’s death hit us all hard, but Joe is so young, and nothing like this has ever happened to him before.”

“He’s your son too, and he’ll be all right.”

“Thank you, son,” Ben said as he put a hand on Adam’s shoulder. “I don’t think I could’ve made it through this without you at my side. You’ve always been there, and you’re a large part of my strength.” He heaved a heavy sigh. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Pa.”

Adam watched as his father drug himself to his room. Pa didn’t say a whole lot, but as one who had known him all his life, Adam wasn’t fooled. Pa was still hurting way down inside but kept his true feelings locked away in a deep vault for the sakes of his sons. They needed for him to be strong, and someone they could rely on.

Joe shifted but still didn’t wake, and Adam looked at him and smiled. He believed what he had just told his father. Joe would laugh, and when he finally did an older brother’s heart would fill with joy.

“Come on, Joe, let’s get you to bed,” he said softly then turned for their room.

FIVE

Three days. It was three days until Christmas, and the log house hadn’t been this alive with activity in months. Preparations for the holiday had gotten into full swing, and even Hop Sing wasn’t to be out done.

The kitchen smelled of molasses and spices and was warmed by the big fireplace where all meals were prepared, and the special baking oven Ben had built into the wall. A stove would have been nice, and Adam knew that the only reason they didn’t have one was because it cost so much, and right now money had to go pretty much for the absolute necessities of life. Monetarily, Pa wasn’t a rich man, though not what one would call destitute, but he was wealthy in far more important ways, as he often told his sons.

Adam inhaled deeply the sweet aromas as he entered the little cook’s realm. Hop Sing was just taking a pan of cookies out, and his puckish eyes went right to them. “I love your Molasses Stars,” he said as he stepped to the table as the little man put them down.

“When they cool, you have some with milk. Now they burn boy.”

“It’s well worth a blister,” Adam said as he reached for one, and got his hand smacked away.

“You not be gleedy. You wait for blothers.”

“They’re out on the barn with Pa, and I figure what they don’t know won’t get me yelled at.”

“Not by them.” The light glittered in the rakish obsidian eyes as they bore in on his oldest boy.

“All right, you win.” Adam went to the aged breakfront near the back door, took the lid off a round clay jar and snared a couple crackers. He chomped into one, but it was stale, and there were few things as unpalatable as one of those things when you didn’t want it. “So, are you still planning on goose for Christmas?”

“That light,” Hop Sing said as he turned back to the cabinet near the oven and retrieved a slab of dough from a bowl.

“With sage/rice stuffing?”

“Always,” Hop Sing grunted as he thumped the golden brown glob onto the tabletop, and flattened it out with his hands.

“Pa wanted to go for a turkey but I don’t think he wanted to leave us. I offered to go but he had a fit, and I think it was because of what happened to Mother.”

“And after you lide out like bad boy, and get hurt.”

Adam ducked his head and polished off one of the crackers. Two weeks after his mother died, and Pa had ridden out in a frenzy Adam had taken it upon himself to do the same thing. He had slipped out after everyone had gone to sleep and saddled up ol’ Whirlwind, the worst horse he could find, and took off. Just riding and riding as hard and fast as he could with his thoughts awhirl, he had found himself out by Coyote Canyon. The animal had balked as they started up a steep, rocky slope but he had kicked it and urged it and it had fallen. He only remembered the agonizing tumble that ended in blackness then waking up in his father’s lap.

“You think those are cool enough now?” Adam asked as he eyed the pan of cookies.

“No,” Hop Sing snapped as he sprinkled flour over the dough then began rolling it flat with a large wooden rolling pin. “Now why not you go make pest with somebody else? Hop Sing have much to do.”

“All right,” Adam said dolefully. Then a wicked spark flashed into his eyes. Dropping the cracker, he swiped up two of the still blazing cookies and headed for the door. They burned his fingers but he was the last one who would admit it.

Hop Sing yelled at him and threw a towel at his retreating back as Adam dashed into the parlor. He stepped to the fireplace and looked into the flickering flames as he crunched into a cookie. They had cooled some in the draft created by his escape.

Tomorrow would be a big day. They were going out in their ersatz sleigh to get a tree, but he couldn’t be as enthusiastic as his father was. Hoss was a bundle of anticipation and had problems being still, he was so excited. Joe’s doubts had eroded away some, and he seemed to be getting right into the swing of things. Pa wanted to do this for his sons in an effort to bring the joy of the season back to them, and they couldn’t disappoint him.

He took another bite and crumbs sifted to his feet. As he stared into the fire the image of his mother riding in so fast came back to him. He and Pa had warned her against it time and again, but she would only make light of their concerns and brush them off as worrying too much. She was an excellent horsewoman, and she had loved getting out on her own, and this fine summer day had been no different. He and his father had been working on the buckboard outside when she had ridden in so hard. Fortunately, Hoss and Joe had been visiting with friends that Saturday. They still weren’t certain what had caused the horse to fall but the second it had he and his father had dashed forward as the sleek palomino rolled over her. As long as he lived he would never forget his father carrying his broken wife into the house.

The cookies had lost out for his attention as they hung in his hands at his sides. She had been so pale and so motionless and even the young Dr. Martin hadn’t been able to do anything. Her family had been called to her and little boys couldn’t help but cry as she said good-bye to them. Adam could feel his heart twisting in his chest as he recalled taking her hand, and her telling him how proud of him she was. Then, at her request and with the doctor’s blessing, Pa had set down on the bed and held her in his arms and they watched as she passed away from them.

A cold blast caught him from behind but he didn’t care. Then a strong hand rested on his trembling back, and his head dropped as his eyes squeezed out the tears. He wanted to throw his arms around his father and weep like a child, but he was an adult now and grown men didn’t behave that way.

*******

Since the business in front of the fireplace Adam had been quiet for the rest of the day and into the night. He could see his family and Hop Sing watching him like a gaggle of hawks. They kept trying to start a conversation with him, and Joe had even tried enticing him into a game of checkers but he couldn’t be coaxed into either. Too much pent up emotion had been awakened, and he simply wanted to be left alone. He knew they meant well, and only cared because they loved him so he couldn’t get angry with them but he just wanted to be by himself.

He had drawn back into his corner with his book of Keats. The soft voices of his father and brothers had become nothing more than a gentle murmur as he concentrated on the lines before him.

Then he felt a hand on his knee, and he lowered the book, and looked up into a sea of green. Nothing was said as the child scampered into his lap. Putting his arms around the boy, he drew him close and rested the side of his face against the curly head. He had denied his feelings too long and now they would not stay hidden. He began to cry in a subdued, quiet manner as only Adam could and held his brother close. Then a reassuring hand clasped his shoulder.

“I’m all right, Pa,” he said between subdued sobs but never looked at his father. “I’m all right. I have my family.”

*******

Adam was glad to climb into bed with his brothers, in spite of the prospect of Hoss’ snoring. When Joe had looked up at him with such adoration and asked him to he hadn’t been able to say no. He treasured the child and worshiped him more with each passing day. And there was a special relationship with Hoss born of love and understanding that continually grew stronger. He nestled between them, and they cuddled close in the loving hold of their big brother’s arms.

“Adam.”

“Yes, Hoss.”

“I miss our mama real bad. Maybe I don’t say so much but…”

“I know you do, and just because you don’t say a whole lot doesn’t mean you don’t care any less. Now the both of you nee to go to sleep.”

The boys said their soft ‘good-nights’, and their big brother returned them, and felt their heads against his chest. Adam was in his element as watcher and protector, teacher and councilor, and someone to run to when Pa wasn’t around, and he wouldn’t trade it for all the riches of the world, even if he could. Gradually their breathing grew heavier and sounded to his ears as the sweetest lullaby that tenderly soothed him into sleep.

SIX

Boys and even Ben and Hop Sing had difficulty getting through breakfast. Joe and Hoss had to be curtailed from inhaling the contents of their plates by the gentle rebukes of their father while their brother only sat and enjoyed. He hadn’t seen his brothers this keyed up for sometime and it was a pleasure to behold. He was glad to see that his little brother had finally given in to the spirit of the endeavor. The food – while very good, as always – was just something to be gotten through this morning. They weren’t leaving until after dinner, but there was still much preparation to do before they did.

Adam felt a tinge of what Joe and Hoss where but he was able to keep his under wraps simply by virtue of being who he was. And, at any rate, a small portion of him still felt guilt but he wasn’t going let it ruin his family’s celebration. This was something they all needed.

The night had been glorious, and he hadn’t slept that well in a long time. Waking up and finding Joe curled next to him and Hoss still quite close had filled him with contentment and peace. One corner of his mouth pinched as he thought back on it and realized that he hadn’t heard Hoss snore once.

“Now, where do you think we should look for a proper tree?” Ben asked as he shot a knowing glance at his eldest son over the rim of his cup.

The two youngest chimed in all at once, their eager voices becoming a cacophony of suggestions that were hard to untangle.

“Whoa, whoa,” Ben said as he held his hands up, palm sides out. “I tell you what we’ll do. We’ll just start out, and when we come to a tree that catches our fancy, it’ll be the one. But we all have to agree on it. How does that sound?”

The boys couldn’t agree fast enough.

“Adam,” Ben said as his coffee eyes went to his first-born.

“Sounds fine to me, Pa,” Adam said and took a sip of his chicory.

“Then that’s the way it’ll be. Now, we’d better finish up so we can start getting things ready.”

Forks picked up speed, bites grew larger and milk was downed in great gulps, but Ben let them alone. He and Adam simply watched them and exchanged looks of clandestine amusement across the expanse of the table, and Hoss and Joe were too busy to notice them.

*******

Adam had assigned himself the task of helping Hop Sing pack the hamper clean full of good things to eat and drink while his brothers helped Pa out in the barn. Joe hadn’t wanted to stay inside, and Hoss was not to be trusted around that much food.

There were all kinds of goodies ranging from cookies and doughnuts to sandwiches with different fillings to hard boiled eggs and parched corn. The drinks were jugs of fresh water and milk that would be – by the time they were drunk – ice cold.

“Hop Sing, you’ve got enough here for a small army,” Adam said as he put in a cloth wrapped bundle.

“Mista Hoss eat like small army.”

“That’s so,” Adam said with a snicker. “I’ve never seen a twelve-year-old that can put away that much food in one sitting. Though to look at him you’d never know that he’s six years younger than me.”

“Mista Hoss big boy, all light,” Hop Sing said as he scuttled over to get a fresh baked custard pie with its usual sprinkling of nutmeg.

“And Joe eats like a bird.”

“Difflent as night and day those two but velly close,” the little cook said as he handed the pie over. “All boys velly close.”

“The way Pa wants it,” Adam said as he carefully put the delicacy into the basket. “He doesn’t think being half brothers should come between us, and I happen to agree.” Adam grew pensive, and his hands hung over the wicker edge.

“What you think?”

“Oh, nothing,” he said as he looked around and closed the lid. “There, all done. Now let’s get this out to Pa and the boys and get this show started before those brothers of mine pop their seams if they haven’t already.”

Putting on their coats and gloves and Adam his hat they started out with the hamper between them. When they got to the barn the team was already hitched, and Joe and Hoss were just piling into the back seat.

“It’s about time,” Ben said as he turned from hooking the last trace. “I was about to send somebody in after you.”

“Yeah, Adam, hurry up,” Hoss said from where he sat next his little brother, a hint of agitation illuminating his blue eyes.

“We’re comin’, we’re comin’,” Adam said with mock ire and they went to the buckboard and loaded it into the back.

Hop Sing got in next to the boys, and Adam and his father took the front seat. Ben picked up the reins and sat thoughtfully still for a second then turned to his eldest and held out his hands. “Why don’t you drive?”

“All right, Pa,” Adam said as he took the reins from him.

With a snap of the reins, the horses started and the buckboard had no problems but they hadn’t hit snow yet. The team moved them out into the cleaned off yard and they still encountered no problem. The eager expectancy in the two younger boys couldn’t be missed as they drew closer to the edge of the clearing. Adam himself felt a certain amount of unease at the thought that their outing could come to a screeching halt, but the planks were smooth, and Pa had waxed them with an old candle so this should work.

The big horses’ feathery feet crunched into the snow, and then the buckboard, its runners curved slightly upward at the front, hit the white stuff, and it moved as smoothly as milk poured down a pane of glass. The boys cheered, and Joe clapped his small hands. “It works! It works!” he shouted gleefully.

“I told you it would,” Ben said as he shot a look of obvious surprise at Adam. “You’ll learn to trust in your father.”

With another snap, the team continued on, the only certainty in their destination being where the trees were. They were finally underway through the crispness of a Sierra winter day beneath the canopy of a flannel gray sky without a hint of buttery sunshine.

But as they drew deeper into the countryside some of the exuberant enthusiasm seemed to wane. Then suddenly, a voice boomed clear and loud in the pristine quiet.

“We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year”

The boys just watched their father, and Adam was the first to join in.

“Glad tidings we bring
To you and your kin;
Glad tidings for Christmas
And a happy New Year!”

From there Hoss and Joe and even Hop Sing started to sing and the voices carried in the sparling clear air. They sounded in the boughs of the immense pines and floated Heavenward. Adam and his father looked at each other, and Adam knew that they were doing the right thing for all of them. Mother would be so happy to know that they were enjoying this festive time of year as she always did and made sure her family did. He gave the reins a slap against the horses’ backs and the runners continued shushing over the snow. This was turning into a day that they would all long remember, and it wasn’t quite over yet.

SEVEN

They had been out for close to three hours and had yet to find a tree that pleased all of them. Too tall, too skinny, too sparse, too fat, or just plain ungainly. Whatever the reason, they couldn’t all seem to agree on one. And then Adam abruptly stopped the horses.

“Adam, what is it?”” Ben asked he gripped his son’s arm.

“There,” he said and pointed ahead and off to the left.

They followed his finger with their eyes, and it was followed by oohs and ahhs, and Ben said to get closer. Adam urged the team on again and they moved forward.

As the buckboard halted the others sat tight while Ben got out and went to the tree. “Come have a look.”

The small group gathered around it and stood in quiet awe of what they had found, or rather, what Adam had found.

It was quite possibly the most perfect tree Adam had ever seen. Being relatively young it stood probably no more that seven feet tall. Its boughs were dense, though not too much, and it was shaped to perfection as only the Good Lord could make a tree.

“If there’re no objections,” Ben started, “then this is the one. Joe. Hoss.”

“Oh, yeah, Pa.”

“I ain’t never seen a purtier one.”

Then Ben turned to the little cook. “You’re a part of this family too, Hop Sing. What do you think?”

Hop Sing stepped closer to the evergreen and reached out and touched it. “It look so pletty with Mista Adam’s angel.”

“All right then. Adam, get the axes.”

Adam dashed over to the buckboard and came back with two single bitted axes.

“All right,” Ben said as he was handed one, “let’s get to work.”

Father and eldest son positioned themselves on either side of the trunk and exchanged a look of determination.

“Adam, you found it so I think the first whack should go to you.”

With a one-sided grin that turned the outer corner of his left eye, Adam drew back and gave a impressive chop, and then his father joined him. The boys sat in the buckboard with Hop Sing as the sounds of the blades biting into wood rose around them.

*******

After a couple breaks just to rest and eat, the tree was finally brought down, and Adam had chopped some boughs from some of the larger tree for the house. Darkness was beginning to close in when they tied it on behind the makeshift sleigh and they were ready to head back home.

As they moved on through the clearness of the falling night they had become uncommonly silent, but before Ben could do anything Joe shattered it with one question. “Pa, would you tell me about your first Christmas with Mama?”

Adam looked over at his father and could catch the pain track across Pa’s face in the diminishing light.

“I’ve told you before.”

“I know, but I want to hear it again.”

“All right. It was very special,” he said, “as were the only ones I had with Hoss’ mother and Adam’s. Each of my loves was different and each one brought something into my life that is irreplaceable…. My sons.”

“I know that, Pa,” Joe said he leaned forward against the front seat, “but what was it like? Tell me about the tree.”

“It was grand, grand as this one. And just like with this one I searched until I found just the right one. Your mother decorated it with ornaments that had come all the way from New Orleans, and even France. And there were the ones that had belonged to Inger and Elizabeth.”

“And Adam’s angel,” Hoss said as parched corn crackled in his teeth.

“That’s right, and Adam’s angel.”

“And what else?” Joe asked as he fought sleep.

“Some of the neighbor women brought in pies and cakes and puddings,” Ben’s eyes twinkled in the remainder of the light, “since your mother wasn’t the best baker in the world. You remember, don’t you Adam?”

“I remember, Pa.”

“I remember too,” Hoss piped up.

“Go on, Pa,” Joe said eagerly. “Tell the rest.”

“I caught a nice fat pheasant, and we roasted potatoes in the ashes of the fireplace in the kitchen. And then after supper… we stood before the hearth in the parlor holding hands… and singing carols. Me, your mother, Adam and Hoss.”

“And then you all went to bed to wait for Santa Claus to come, but he couldn’t find you all the way out here. I’m glad he finally did,” Joe said wistfully.

“So am I, son. So am I.”

Adam glanced over at his father and couldn’t miss his expression of contentment at the fond remembrance. With a slap and the click of his teeth the horses headed on into gathering dusk.

*******

By the time they got home it was dark, but the sky had cleared and stars twinkled overhead and the moon lit the snow so they had no trouble seeing. No light came from the bunkhouse windows so they knew that the hands had turned in for the night. Joe – who had fallen asleep with his head in Hop Sing’s lap – roused as Adam pulled the buckboard into the barn.

“Are we home?” Joe asked fuzzily as he rose up.

“Yes, son, we’re home, and it’s well past your and Hoss’ bedtime.”

“But I’ve already been asleep.”

“And you can go to sleep again. Now I’ll have no arguments. You’re both going to need all your strength to help decorate the tree and the house tomorrow.”

As the others piled out of the buckboard, Ben and Adam untied the tree and drug it to one side and propped it in a corner.

“I don’t know why I never thought of doing this before,” Ben said as he stepped back resting his hands on his hips and eyed the magnificent thing. “Marie would have loved it.”

“You had your mind on other things. Like the survival of your family.”

“I guess you’re right,” Ben said as he put his arm around eldest son.

Adam carried the much lighter hamper then they started for the house. Hoss took off across the yard leading them. Pushing the door open, he ran inside, and as he did his wet boots slipped on the wooden floor. He landed hard on his butt and slid into a small table and turned it over.

“Hoss, are you all right?” Ben asked.

“Yeah, Pa, I’m all right.”

“Haven’t I told you not to run in the house?”

“Sorry, Pa, I guess I just got carried away.” He started to get up but again slipped and landed once more on his dignity. “Durn it all.”

The room became filled with a giggle that built in momentum. The adults looked around as the youngster nearly folded in two.

“Dadburnit it all, Joe, it ain’t funny.”

But Joe continued to laugh, and it was contagious and spread to Ben, Adam and Hop Sing then finally to Hoss. The house was once again filled with the healing balm of laughter as it rose to the rafters and warmed the night.

*******

Ben and Adam went out to the barn to take care of the team and get them settled and fed and watered along with the rest of the livestock. Adam lit a lantern just inside the door as they went inside. He couldn’t miss his father’s expression, a mixture of wonderment and gratitude.

“Pa, you all right?”

Ben went to the off horse and unfastened the traces then stood very still. “He laughed…. Joe laughed.”

“I knew he would when the time was right.”

“Yes, you did…, and I suppose deep down inside I did too.” He shook his head and his eyes seemed to look inward. “He’s too much his mother’s son not to.” His full mouth spread. “She could laugh at things that would make other people cry.” He shook his head and snorted. “Come on; let’s get this done so we can go back in where it’s a sight warmer.”

“I’m all for that. Maybe we can cajole Hop Sing into making some tea.”

“I’d like that. I’d like that just fine.”

Father and son worked to un-harness the big horses so that they could go back in to the warm fire and have a hot drink to take the chill, and see the boys into bed. It had been a long and very fruitful day and they had achieved more than they had expected to. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and there was still plenty to do, but Joe had finally laughed and the rest of it didn’t seem so insurmountable.

EIGHT

As hectic as the day before had been, it was nothing as compared to this one: the tree to bring inside, decorations to be brought out and made, the house itself to be gotten ready for the holiday. Breakfast was a hasty affair so that they could get at it, and Ben hadn’t objected to his sons’ wolfing, in fact, he bordered on it himself. Adam, however and as always, stayed restrained. If his brothers wanted a bellyache that was their business, he knew better, and he knew why Pa let them alone.

While the two youngest were forced to help Hop Sing clear the table Ben and Adam went about some necessary chores outside. It had been decided that – much to Hoss’ and Joe’s chagrin – things wouldn’t start for a little bit yet.

“I don’t know when I’ve seen your brothers this excited,” Ben said as he tidied up on one side of the barn.

“I know, and after all we’ve been through this year I think we’re all in need of a little happy excitement.” Adam went about feeding the animals for the morning. “But to be perfectly honest, I wondered if any of us would be able to enjoy this Christmas.”

“I just think it’s time, and the way your mother would’ve wanted it.” Ben stopped and turned toward his son. “If she can see us right now I think she’s glad that we are.”

“I know she is. She was just like that.” Adam took a deep breath, and his hand clenched on the handle of the oat scoop. “Whenever I think of the time wasted with her when I could’ve been…”

“That doesn’t do any good. What’s done is done, and what’s in the past is in the past. What matters most is that that changed, and you did come to love her. In the quiet times she would always tell me how proud she was of her sons.” Ben went to him and took his shoulders. “And she was so proud of you for wanting to go to college to better yourself. It gave her the greatest pleasure helping you and teaching you French. The other two weren’t interested in learning it, but you have this insatiable thirst for knowledge that she loved to quench.” His fingers tightened. “In her eyes you and Hoss were just as much her sons as Joe, and she never for one second wished that the two of you weren’t around. When you and she were at odds she never stopped trying.” He laughed. “She wouldn’t tell me what changed things between you, it was her secret, yours and hers, and I’m not asking you to tell me now, and I never will. If you decide to some day it’ll be your decision to make…. Adam, be happy in your life and make yourself the best you can be, and don’t dwell on what you can’t undo, she wouldn’t want you to.”

Adam’s eyes lowered, and he thought over what his father had just said to him then they rose to the strong, broad face before him. “All right, Pa, I will.” He snickered. “And I won’t.”

“Good,” Ben said then gave him a robust slap on the arm. “Now we’ve got work to finish out here, and we’d better get it done before your brothers bust.”

Adam watched his father as he went back to his side of the barn and his work. Pa was never lacking for wisdom and sage council when a son needed it. He shook his raven head and tittered to himself then returned to his job.

*******

Joe held the door open as his father and brothers hefted the tree into the house. Its branches kept catching on the facing as if it wasn’t interested in entering this strange abode. An ex of boards, nailed to the bottom of its trunk to help it stand without its roots, also managed to hang but they finally got it in, and Joe closed off the cold.

“Now where would be a good place for it?” Ben asked. “Like always or a new spot?”

It was vigorously agreed among the sons that it should be in its traditional place near the hearth.

As they sat it down, Hop Sing bustled in with a bowl of peanuts for stringing. He placed it on a table near the fire then took a spool of thread with four pre-strung needles from his tunic. “And this time you not eat so much. Last year not have enough to make velly long garland.”

“I’ll keep an eye on ‘em,” Ben said as he shot a mischievous glance at the little cook.

“You as bad as they are. Who watch you?”

“I will,” Adam said with a smirk.

“Like fox watch chicken house. I give up!” and he threw his arms in the air then went back into the kitchen.

They couldn’t help laughing at the antics of the man that had become as much a part of the family as any one of them.

“Now,” Ben started as he crossed his arms over his chest, “who wants to go out to the storehouse to get the box of ornaments?”

Joe and Hoss vied for the privilege of the one being chosen to go while their brother stood idly by.

“Hum,” Ben rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and his eyes roved over his youngest sons, “this is going to take some serious thought…. It’s a pretty good sized box so I think Hoss should.”

Joe crumpled with disappointment.

“Maybe next year, Joe, but this year I’m putting you in charge of stringing the peanuts.”

“You did last year.”

“Yes, I did, but this year I’m relying on you not to let anybody eat any. You heard what Hop Sing said. I’m counting on you to see that we have a nice long garland for this tree, and I think you can do it.”

“You bet I can,” Joe said enthusiastically as the firelight brought glittered in his eyes.

“Good, now let’s get to it,” Ben said as he rubbed his hands together with relish.

Hoss took off and the task commenced and by the time he got back they were well underway with Pa and Joe stringing, and Adam placing the evergreen boughs on the mantel. “I’m back,” he announced as he lugged in the box.

Ben had him put it on the scarred dining table and the magical moment was at hand. He gave the honor of opening it to his first-born as he had since the boy had turned thirteen. Inside was what a child’s dreams were built on. Ornaments of all descriptions and colors of paper, fabric, lace, ribbon, paper and painted wood made up the contents. Joe’s eyes gleamed like two emeralds held to the sun, and Hoss would always be a child at Christmas for as long as he lived.

But of everything that would adorn the tree one thing was the most magical and held a special awe for all of them, especially Adam, and it was always the first thing to come out. Adam gingerly picked her up and felt the stirring of his heart. Even after nineteen years of love – most of it at the hands of children – she wore her age well. Maybe her robe was a little less pristine, her painted on cheeks a little less pink, and the feathers of her wings a little more frayed but it didn’t matter. She had graced the top of the only tree Adam’s parents had ever had together, and she was more than just special.

Adam’s fingers tensed on the soft muslin, and he turned to his little brother. “Joe, how would you like to put her on this year. I’ll help you if you need it.”

Joe’s face glowed like an ember. “Me? You mean I can put your angel on this time?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Joe turned to his father as if to ask if it was all right, and Ben smiled down at him. “I think that’s a splendid idea when the time comes. Now you put her down, and when we’re all finished decorating you can put her on.”

As if placing a snowflake, the boy laid her on the table then the rest of the ornaments were unboxed. They had all been seen many times before but they never lost their magic.

*******

Supper, a bit later than usual, was sandwiches and coffee and milk with a few leftover doughnuts for dessert, and Ben had to practically drag Joe and Hoss from what they were doing to get them to eat. They kept darting up to hang an ornament in a strategic spot that simply couldn’t wait.

“Joseph, would you sit down and eat?”

“But we’re almost finished, Pa, and I might forget where I wanted to put this one.”

“There are plenty of other places to put it.”

“But not as good. Please, Pa,” Joe pleaded.

Ben shot a look at his oldest, and Adam had to fight laughing out loud.

“Oh, all right, but that’s the last one until we finish with our supper.”

“It sure is,” Joe said proudly as he hung it. “There aren’t anymore.” He bounced over to Adam. “Now can I put your angel on top of the tree?”

“Joseph, what did I just say?”

“I know, Pa,” Joe said as he twitched as if he had ants in his britches and wrung his little hands together.

“I said wait, and I mean wait.”

Joe looked like someone had just taken a lollipop away from him, and Adam did so want to let him. But he knew his father, and when Pa laid down the law he meant it.

“I’m just about done,” Adam said with a side glance at his father, “and as soon as you finish we will, if Pa says it’s all right.”

Those rich coffee eyes bore into him, and Adam knew he was bordering on stepping over that fine line. Joe turned to their father with what could only be described as a ‘begging face’.

“But you have to eat first,” Ben said with a nod, “like your brother told you.”

The child plopped back into his chair and wound in the sandwich like a ravenous wolf. He emptied his glass in great gulps and milk ran down the sides of his chin. With a grunt, Ben buried his face in his hand and refused to look anymore.

“All done, Pa,” the boy said boisterously as he wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “Now can I?”

Adam sequestered a grin as he watched his father. He knew that, under normal circumstances, Pa would have scolded Joe for what was unacceptable behavior, but tonight was special, and Joe was, after all, a child.

“All right, Joe,” Ben said still without looking.

The boy leapt from his chair and began tugging at Adam’s hand. “Come on, Adam.”

Adam stood and picked up the angel from where she had been moved to the end of the table, and handed her to Joe. They went to the tree where Adam lifted his little brother onto his shoulders, and the child carefully nestled her on the top.

“There,” Joe said as he, and his big brother stepped back.

Ben and Hoss joined them and together they took in the vision before them. The candles that had been bought a few at a time through the year as money permitted hadn’t been lit – that would be saved for tomorrow – but it was still a sight of wonderment. Some of Hop Sing’s cookies that he had been baked the day before hung with the other ornaments. The peanut garland, still not as long as it should be, added its own touch. Adam glanced knowingly at Hoss, and the boy blushed.

“A fine tree, boys. Yes sir, a fine tree indeed…. Your mother would be delighted with it.” Then Ben whirled on his two youngest. “Now, I think it’s time children were in bed. Santa Claus won’t come if there are big eyes watching for him.”

No further encouragement was needed, and Joe sped off for their bedroom with his bigger brother right behind him. Hoss had known for some time the truth about the Jolly Old Elf, but Joe’s enthusiasm rubbed off on him.

The door slammed, and Ben couldn’t help a snicker, but his amusement quickly vaporized. “I wish I could have gotten my sons more presents.”

“I know you do,” Adam said as he moved closer to his father. “But it doesn’t matter. Joe bounces back quickly, and Hoss is big enough to understand.”

“I know…, but I still wish I could have gotten a little more.”

“Speaking of which,” Adam said brightly in an effort to change the subject, “don’t you think we should bring everything in?”

“In a few minutes…. Right now I just want to stand here with my oldest son, and enjoy our beautiful tree.”

The fire crackled as its orangey aura spread out from the hearth and flickered over the tree as father and son stood in silence. Tomorrow would soon become today, and Christmas would be here.

NINE

Gradually, Adam became aware of a presence as wakefulness slowly took hold. Blinking to clear away the sleep he found himself looking into his brothers’ faces which were only inches from his. Knowing Joe as he did, he knew that his little brother’s patience was only because of Hoss’ influence.

“Is it morning already?” he asked hazily as he blinked again and saw that the room was lit by a lamp and not from outside. “I’d like to sleep just a little longer. Now go back to bed.”

“It’s Christmas,” Joe said softly as he shifted on his knees.

“I know that, but there’s plenty of time later. Now go back to bed.”

“Pleeeease.”

It was no use. He couldn’t go back to sleep with his brother’s watching him like a pair of hungry buzzards. “Oh, all right. I can’t buck both of you.” He sat up on the side of his cot and ruffled his already tousled hair. With a groan he tried wiping and stretching away some more sleep.

Grasping his hands, his brothers began pulling him up, and he new better than to fight it. He stumbled out of the room after them, still trying to focus so he didn’t run over something. How he did hate getting out of his nice warm bed. The air was chilled and the floor embraced his bare feet like the surface of a frozen pond. That was guaranteed to wake up even a diehard sleepyhead like him, and why fight it. He then let his brothers drag him into the parlor since he didn’t have the desire to do it himself.

“Merry Christmas, boys,” came as a hearty, deep voice. “What took you so long?”

Adam looked around to see his father sitting in the old rocking chair by the fire sipping his chicory. “How long have you been up?”

“About an hour,” Ben said briskly. “I was beginning to think I was going to have to come roust you three myself.”

“You didn’t havta worry about that. Not with these two.”

“Why don’t you have a cup of this while the boys open their presents?”

“I think that is a very good idea.”

“Can we, Pa?” Joe asked eagerly.

“Go right ahead. They’re yours.”

There wasn’t much under the tree but it was enough to appease two boys. Adam stepped next to the chair with a steaming cup and he, and his father watched them with pure pleasure.

“Joe, bring me that little box there…. Yes, that one…. Thank you, son.” Ben turned his attention to his first-born and held the small parcel out. “This is for you. It isn’t much but I just had to get you something.”

Putting his cup down, Adam took it and opened it. Inside, he found a gold fob for the pocket watch his father had given him for his sixteenth birthday. Laying the box aside, he held it up and the firelight glinted over it. “This is the nicest one I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, at any rate, it’s better than that strip of leather you’ve been using.”

Adam’s fist closed around it, and he felt the emotion clogging his throat. “Now it’s your turn,” he said with the hint of a smile and went toward the tree. When he returned he handed a small tissue wrapped item to his father.

He drank as his father tore the delicate paper away to reveal a money clip made of hammered out metal, the initials BDC and the pine tree brand etched into it. It had been buffed and polished and the sharp edges rounded.

“This is beautiful, son.”

Adam hid his grin behind the rim of his cup for he knew better.

“Where did you get it?” Ben went on as he ran his thumb over the deep marks.

“I made it through the summer.”

“I thought you’d been making an awful lot of horseshoes,” Ben said as his hand squeezed around it. “I’ll cherish it always.”

“It’s the best I could do, and all I could afford.”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

They exchanged looks that spoke louder and more eloquently than any words then turned as the boys finished opening their few presents.

As the last one was opened – as if on cue – Hop Sing came out of the kitchen with his arms filled with four boxes of varying sizes.

“Hop Sing, I thought a grand supper was to be your gift,” Ben said as he glanced at his eldest.

“These not flom me.” The sharp obsidian eyes darted to each one of them. “They flom Missy Malie. She give to me to hide ‘til Klismas. It almost like she know she not be here.”

The falling of a grain of sand would have been as a clap of thunder in the silence. It was as if the fire didn’t dare crackle or the clock tick too loudly. No one seemed to breathe.

“I know she want me to give these to family. Like her last Klismas with those she love.”

Ben swallowed hard, and Adam grasped his father’s shoulder for support.

Joe was the first to come forward. “Can I have the present from my mother?”

Hop Sing took the smallest box from the top and handed to the child then the boy looked to his father and got a nod in return. No one moved as he untied the twine and removed the brown paper and let them sift to the floor. Inside he found an intricately hand carved horse with a mane and tail made of real horse hair.

“She have Mr. Batcher make that specially for you. She pay for it with some of her eggs.”

Next Hoss came to the little cook and got his present. His turned out to be a leather sheath for his hunting knife, also made by Mr. Batcher.

Ben’s hands trembled as he opened his and found a humidor. He picked up the cylindrical object and rubbed his fingers over the smooth tanned leather around it. “Where did…” but his words choked off.

“Last summer, while you and boys away, a peddler come through, and she buy this flom him. She say it for when you able to buy tobacco.”

Ben’s hands clenched on it as he head dropped, and his eyes clamped together.

Now only one box was left, and Adam dreaded looking in it. It was for him, and he knew that it would bring the guilt and anguish rushing back at him. But there was no way of avoiding it. For her, he couldn’t do that. Reaching out, it was placed in his hands, and he could almost feel where she had touched it as she lovingly wrapped it. He stood – as if suddenly turned to stone – and only stared at it.

“Open it, son.”

With a deep, ragged breath he removed the paper but hesitated at opening it. When he finally did his mind reeled at what he saw. Slowly, he lifted out the intricate gold necklace. “Mother’s rubies,” he said as his eyes shot to Hop Sing. “I don’t…”

“There letter inside. It explain.”

Adam finally noticed the piece of folded paper in the bottom of the box. As if it was made of fragile porcelain, he picked it up and unfolded it. His eyes misted as they took in her elegant script.

“She say she want you lead it out loud. She say it really for all of you.”

But Adam couldn’t.

“Read it, son.”

He glanced at his father then directed his eyes back to the paper. “My dear son. His breath came in one great gulp. He stiffened his back and straightened as his fingers knotted on the piece of jewelry, and he tried again. “My dear son…. This is for you. I really do not need it out here and what greater purpose could it have than to help you fulfill your dream? When my mother left it to me she told me to use it if ever the need arose. Well, I believe that this is the need she spoke of, though she did not know it.” He bit his lower lip to stop its quivering. “When I first knew that you wanted to go to school, I was so proud of you, as I am so proud of all my boys. I had no idea when I married your father that I would be graced with three such fine sons.” He had to blink his eyes clear before he could go on. “I know that maybe things were not so good between us at first, and maybe some of that was my fault. Maybe I tried so hard that I smothered you. I am sorry if I did. Also, I know I am not your real mother, and maybe that was a part of it too. But that does not matter either, that you love me now does. So with my blessing, I want you to take these rubies and sell them. Sell them for as much as you can get and use it to go to college. And when you come home we will be waiting. With best wishes for the brightest of futures, and all my love…, your mother.”

The sheet of paper fluttered to the floor, and Adam covered his face with one hand. “Why didn’t she just tell me that?”

“She say it easier to put in letter, and she know you not want to take gift.”

Adam felt a strong hand on his back, and looked around into his father’s saddened face. “I can’t sell these, Pa. They were hers, and I just can’t sell them.”

“That’s what she wanted, and it would disappoint her so if you didn’t.” Ben’s mouth spread into a smile that warmed his eyes. “She always did love you right from the first, just like she did Joe, and just like she did Hoss…. Do this for her as well as yourself. After all, your dream was hers too.”

Adam’s gaze went back to the necklace he clutched, and once again all the hurt from the past summer closed in on him. He felt his father’s arms go around him and hold him like they had when he was a boy. Then his brothers came and they were all holding each other as he fought back the urge to cry. He would use his mother’s gift as she wanted him to, and he would go to college and learn all he could. And when he came home again his father and brothers would be waiting, but she wouldn’t and it brought the greatest kind of pain.

“Merry Christmas,” he said so softly that only she could hear him. “I love you…, Mother.”

TEN

“To this day Joe still has that little horse stored away in a trunk in his room, though it doesn’t have quite as much hair as it once did. Hoss’ sheath has long since worn out, and Pa always keeps the best tobacco in that humidor, and I still have that letter. There,” Adam said as he stepped back from the tree. “So whadaya think?”

When he didn’t get an answer he turned around. “Angelica.”

He went to her, and knelt in front of her. She was still sitting in the floor with her head lowered, and her eyes shut tight. Her hands were wadded around the soft magenta fabric.

“Angelica,” he said as he put a finger under her chin and gently raised her head.

Tears ran down her face and dripped onto her skirt. With a heavy breath, her deep violet eyes opened and looked into his.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he said as he wiped her cheeks with his thumb. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“She loved you all so very much.”

“Yes, she did, and we loved her.”

She whimpered, and her hands shook as they clasped in front of her. “I don’t know how your father went on. I don’t think I could… She sounds like a wonderful woman. I wish I could have known her.”

“She would’ve adored you.”

“Did you sell the necklace?”

“And used the money for college just like she wanted me to,” he said with a nod. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her and pulled her closer. “And the whole time I was there I liked believing that she was watching me and was happy.”

She put her head over against his chest, and for the first time noticed the tree. “You’ve finished.”

“Almost,” he said as he kissed the side of her head then sprang to his feet. “There’s just one thing left to do.”

He went to the small table by the door, and he picked up the box on top of it. Opening it, he carefully took out the angel, her smile a little more faded, her wings minus some feathers, and her robe not as white but she was just as loved.

Adam stepped onto the footstool and began positioning her on top of the tree. “I’ve had this angel all my life. I’m glad you don’t mind our using her instead of buying a new one.”

“Traditions are a valuable part of who we are,” she said with a sniffle, “and I think she’s beautiful.”

“Now it’s finished,” he said as he tilted his head to one side to make sure she was straight.

As he stepped down someone began briskly knocking at the front door.

“Now I wonder who that could be at this time of night,” he said as he looked around at her.

“Well, I only know of one way to find out,” she said with a saucy grin.

“Don’t be so prissy,” he said as a single eyebrow raised, and he pointed a finger at her then went to see who was about to beat their way in.

A chorus of ‘Merry Christmas!’ rose as he opened the door.

“Pa, Mother Cadence,” Adam said. “I’d about decided that you weren’t coming.”

“Now you didn’t think I’d miss my oldest son’s first Christmas away from home, did you?”

“No, Pa, I guess I didn’t. Come on in and get out of the cold. We have a fire in the hearth, and I was just about to make some rum punch.”

“Sounds good to me, son.”

As they entered Fiona and Joe and Hoss – the boys’ arms full of presents – came in behind them. The women were generous with their hugs, and the men shook hands heartily.

Just then Maggie bustled out of the kitchen with several cups on a tray. “It’s a good thing I went ahead and made the punch,” she said as she came into the parlor. “Travelin’ on a night like this, I know you’re all well chilled.”

“I’ve quit trying to put things over on her,” Adam said as he shook his head.

“I learned that a long time ago,” Angelica said as she stepped to her husband and put her arm around him.

“And I notice an extra cup, so Maggie won’t you please join us?” Adam said with a sneaking glint to his dark hazel eyes.

“I’d be most honored, Mr. Adam,” Maggie said as she took the last cup and put the tray aside.

Once the packages were under the tree and everyone had a cup of cheer – even Fiona being allowed to enjoy her first – Ben raised his and offered up a toast.

“Here’s to family and the gifts of love and togetherness, even in the leanest of times. I remember a toast Elizabeth’s father was fond of making. May the sea always be calm and the fair winds always take us safely home, and may the light of Christmas always burn in our hearts.”

“How beautiful,” Angelica said as Adam squeezed her close.

They drank to the toast then settled into their visit before bedtime, and Maggie retired again for the night. Their warm voices circulated through the room like the sweet notes of a carol as the family enjoyed one another’s company.

*******

Adam and Angelica sat cuddled together on the settee before the gradually waning flames in the hearth, her head resting on his shoulder. The rest of the family had long turned in, and the house was quiet except for an incessant ticking and the sound of the wind picking up outside.

“Adam.”

“Yes.”

“There’ll never be another Christmas like this one. It’s the first one in our own home, I’m carrying our first child,” she placed his hand on her belly, “and I’m the happiest woman in the world.”

“That reminds me,” he said and took a small box from his pocket.

“I thought we were going to wait until morning and open our gifts with the rest of the family.”

“We are, but this is just a little something I wanted to give you while we’re alone. I hope you like it.”

With a glance at his face she took it and opened it, and her mouth fell agape. It was a simple pewter brooch but its face was made of tightly woven black hair. She brushed her fingertips across it and felt her heart come into her throat. “Oh,” was all she could say.

“Whenever I went to the barber in town for a haircut I had him save the hair.”

Her chin began to quiver. “You keep this up, and you won’t have any hair left.”

“I thought it’d go well with your locket…. Do you like it?”

She let her tear-filled eyes trace the features of his handsome face and still found it hard to believe that this beautiful man was hers. “I love it, but not as much as I do you.” She took his face in her hands then kissed him. “No gift could be as wonderful as you are.”

She snuggled even closer to him, and he held her tightly against him and their attention turned back to the fireplace. As they sat in quiet bliss just listening to each other breathe the mantle clock began to strike midnight, and neither moved.

“It’s Christmas,” she said softly when it had finished.

“Yes, it is…. Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Now we can go to bed.”

“Not yet,” she said as she listened to his heart beating beneath her ear. “Not yet.”

THE END

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