A Bonanza of a Tale

By JC

Nerves get a little frayed when the Cartwright brothers search for the confidence man who suckered them. Can they find him and recover their investment before Pa finds out? And can you find 75 Bonanza episode titles embedded in the story?

(Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters. My thanks and appreciation to David Dortort and all the original writers.)

After a relentless push through the long night, three weary horsemen arrived at Cutthroat Junction just after daybreak. The storm would not be far behind. A curtain of angry clouds hung between heaven and earth, and silent thunder shook the air, heavy with the smell of blood on the land. It was unusually warm for springtime, a hot day for a hanging.

Not one, but three nooses hung from a gallows in the middle of town. The tax collector, the Duke and his wife, the infamous Lady from Baltimore, had managed to escape the hanging posse, thanks to two stout-hearted souls with a passion for justice, but the jury, confident it had discerned the pure truth of the matter, had rendered the guilty verdict for all three. The decision was no surprise, given the eyewitness testimonies of Denver McKee and the actress with whom he has been keeping exclusive company these days. (The fact that he added her signature to his bank account gives credence to the mill of rumor that her next role will be that of "the bride".) In addition to the bank run, the trio stole the Hayburner and two other thoroughbred race horses owned by Square Deal Sam which were tied up outside the Dark Star Saloon. And as any friend of Walter's knows, horse theivin's a hangin' offense.

However, the hangings were not the reason this unlikely band of brothers had ridden fifty miles without a good night's rest. They were on the search for the tall stranger who had duped them in the cheating game, one of the oldest cons in the book, a salted mine. This land grab was bigger than the Thunderhead Swindle, worth more than all the gold in Logan's Treasure, and if they didn't get their investment back, they would surely face a day of reckoning when Pa got back from his annual "business meeting" with the Magnificent Adah in San Francisco.

A rumble rattled the windows of the Rich Man, Poor Man Cafe as they approached.

"Did you hear that?" asked the youngest.

"What?" asked the oldest.

"Thunder, man," replied the youngest. "Are you deaf?"

"The firstborn glared at him. "No, and I'm not blind, either. I saw you ogling the mountain girl back there at the way station when we stopped for water, little brother. I am so sick and tired of your Lothario Larkin mentality. It's your fault we're even in this mess!"

"Well, older brother, I'm sick of you always makin’ me out to be the scapegoat! You were the one who was so busy playing footsie with the ballerina you didn't even notice when you lost the money. Who carries a bank draft in his boot anyway? Maybe you should keep 'em on next time."

The middle, who was also the biggest, held up his hands and bellowed, "Oh, for the love of Old Sheba, will you both just shut it! I'll tell you what I'm sick of, and that's you two always bein' at each others throats. It's worse than the Paiute War." He scowled. "Now the way I figger it, you got two choices. You can start actin' like brothers instead of a house divided, or you can keep on fightin' in which case I'm liable to knock you both from here to Twilight Town. But either way, I'm gonna have my breakfast!"

Both brothers were clearly taken aback by this outburst from their normally easy going sibling. The oldest scratched the back of his neck and cleared his throat before he offered his hand to the youngest with a mumbled apology. The youngest reciprocated in kind.

"Who died and made him king of the mountain?" the youngest murmured to the oldest as they made their way toward the cafe.

The oldest shrugged. "Well, he is biggest, and if he wants to be the boss, I'm not gonna stand in his way. Besides, I'm hungry too."

* * * * *

A violent gust shook the dry leaves of the tree in the middle of town with a vengeance, swirling five into the wind. An old hound dog lying in the meager shade stood up and sniffed the air expectantly. A few moments later rain from heaven splattered the dusty street, fat drops which the parched earth soaked up greedily. From all appearances, the gift of water would be most welcome.

The brothers paused outside the cafe long enough to read the menu posted on the door. As they were about to enter, Thomas Bowers hailed them as he hurried toward the awning shelter, accompanied by an exotic-looking woman.

"Hello, Cartwrights! Fancy meeting you here!" He shook their hands warmly and then turned to the woman. "Elizabeth, my love, this is Adam, Hoss and Little Joe of the famous Ponderosa Ranch. Gentlemen, this is my wife Elizabeth, formerly the Countess of Franistan."

She nodded demurely.

"How do you do," said Adam, politely.

"Howdy ma'am," said Hoss, pleasantly.

Little Joe, never at a loss for charm when it came to an attractive woman, took her hand and kissed it. "My pleasure, ma'am."

She returned his smile, lowering her exquisitely long eyelashes slowly. Joe's green eyes twinkled. Adam made a face, and then turned to Tom.

"Are you here for a performance?"

"No; actually, I've retired from the spotlight."

"Retired?" said Hoss. "But you're still in the prime of life."

"Precisely," said Tom. "And I want to spend as much of it as I can with my beloved." He looked lovingly at the lovely Elizabeth, who smiled at him before turning her attention back to the youngest Cartwright. "But I haven't given up music. No, the artist in me would never allow that. I'm a composer now. I've already written three western operettas -- The War Comes To Washoe, Calamity Over The Comstock, and Elegy For A Hangman. I'm currently researching the Philip Deidesheimer story as a possible fourth."

"I know Philip," said Adam. "He is truly a man to admire."

"Yes, a man to admire," agreed Tom. "That would make a good title, by the way. Might I use it?"

"Certainly."

"How about you and the missus joining us for breakfast?"

"No thank you, Hoss, we've eaten. We were just on our way back to the hotel when we got caught in the cloudburst, which appears to be over. We're leaving for Sacramento this morning, so I'm afraid we must be on our way."

They shook hands once more. "Well, good luck," said Adam. "And congratulations to both of you."

"Thank you," said Tom, as the three of them looked at the lovely Mrs. Bowers engaged in deep conversation with twinkly-eyed Joseph Cartwright. "You know, she's not really a countess," he admitted wryly in a low voice. "I met her in Reno. She was part of a gypsy traveling show -- they called her 'The Burma Rarity'. She did this amazing act with flaming batons..." He chuckled and winked at them. "There's just something about a woman of fire....Come my dear."

She smiled farewell as she strolled away regally on her husband's arm.

"Mm, mmm." Little Joe sighed in appreciation. "She walks in beauty, doesn't she?"

"You mind your manners, Short Shanks. She's a married woman," scolded Hoss.

"I know she is," said Little Joe unapologetically as he followed his brothers inside. "But I'm no less a man for it."

A pretty young waitress greeted them at their table. "Good morning," she smiled. "What can I get you?"

Little Joe's eyes twinkled anew. "What do you recommend?" He grinned his most irresistible Little Joe grin.

She dimpled. "Well, the ham and eggs are always good, but I really like the hotcakes with lots of butter and syrup." Her blue eyes matched his green ones twinkle for twinkle.

"Mmm, hotcakes," said Little Joe, locked into her gaze. "That sounds delicious. What's your name, by the way?"

"Gabrielle Marie."

"Really?" said wide-eyed charming little Joe. "Marie was my mother's name, and she was a beautiful woman too. I have a feeling we have a lot in common." He leaned over and whispered to her. "Say, why don't you ask your boss if you can take off for a while so you can show me around town after breakfast? Who knows, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Gabrielle blushed and giggled. Hoss tried in vain to give her his order, but the girl had suddenly gone blind and deaf to everyone except the smiler before her, alias Joe Cartwright.

Adam rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair, exasperated. "Here we go again."

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