ADAM IMITATIONS
By K.K. Shaulis
“Josey as a school teacher?” Joe
Cartwright said in disbelief and snickered.
“Kind of like the fox guarding the hen
house, isn’t it?” his oldest brother Adam raised his eyebrows, seating himself
on the arm of the settee. In his
opinion, his cousin had been nothing but trouble since she arrived from Boston
for a visit two days ago.
“I think I’d say that more about Joseph
than Josephine,” Ben sat down in his chair holding his second cup of morning
coffee. “Anyway, after she caused the
accident that laid up Mr. Jenkins, it was only right for her to volunteer.”
“She volunteered?” Adam looked skeptically
at his father.
“Well, let’s just say she had a choice
between volunteering and a razor strap wielded by the very irate head of the
school board. Which would you pick?”
“The razor strap, of course,” Hoss spoke
up from his seat on the sofa. “I’m sure Mrs. Albright has slowed up a might
over the years,” he propped his feet up on the coffee table.
“Pa’s the ‘very irate head of the school
board,’ lunkhead,” Joe laughed pushing his brother’s boots back on the floor.
“Hmmmm,” Hoss thought for a moment. “I’d still have taken the razor strap. Can you imagine what a nightmare it is trying
to teach the McKeoun twins or the Miller kids?”
“Probably a whole lot like teaching the
Cartwright boys, I imagine,” Ben took a sip of his coffee and glanced at each
of his three sons.
“Come on, Pa. We weren’t that bad,” Adam
spoke up in their defense.
“Oh, no? Let’s see. There was Adam and the
Boston Tea Party…” their father began to list their infamous educational
misdeeds.
His oldest son pretended to examine the
red design on his cup.
“…Hoss and the Seven Baby Skunks…”
His middle son gulped.
“...And not to mention Joe’s Almost Raffle
of Miss Jones’s Corset.”
His youngest son looked thunderstruck.
“Even now when I go to a school board
meeting, I think about how many of them I had to attend to defend the actions
of my incorrigible sons. That’s how I
can remember them in excruciating detail.”
“That’s funny,” Adam adjusted his seat on
the sofa’s arm. “I remember most of them in excruciating detail, too, because
at least one of the three of us made a trip to the barn with you after you got
back.”
“Well, at least Josey had a choice,” Joe
pouted crossing his arms over his chest.
“Little late to complain about that now,
isn’t it, Joe?” Hoss glanced at his sulky youngest brother.
“I’m the one who didn’t have a choice,
boys,” Ben put his cup down in its saucer.
“I found that the only way to get anything into your thick skulls was to
address my remarks to your opposite ends. It worked most of the time,” he
looked disapprovingly at Joe who still appeared to be pouting.
“Then,” Adam cleared his throat, “Perhaps
Josey should not have had a choice either.
She truly needs …”
“Good morning, gentlemen,” Josephine Marie
Cartwright, Ben’s brother John’s adopted daughter, called from the stair
landing interrupting Adam. Josephine or Josey, as she preferred to be called,
was on her way to San Francisco to visit one of her former classmates from Mt.
Holyoke Seminary. Of course, she had to stop in Nevada to see her favorite
uncle and his sons or she would have never heard the end of it. She was dressed in a dark green velvet dress,
her curly red hair was pulled back in a loose bun and a pair of glasses was
perched on her freckled nose. She was
carrying an armful of books, a huge blue satchel and a bullwhip. Except for the bullwhip, she was the
quintessentially proper New England schoolmarm.
“How do I look?”
All four Cartwright men sprang to their
feet as she descended the remaining stairs.
“Josey, if any of my teachers looked like
you, I’d have had perfect attendance,” Hoss smiled taking his cousin’s bag and
books. He placed the books on the coffee
table and the satchel beside the blue velvet chair. “You’re just so dog-gone pretty.”
“I agree with you totally, brother,” Joe
chimed in pouring some coffee for Josey.
“Even with those spectacles, you’re beautiful.”
“Thank you, Eric, and thank you, Joseph,”
she said accepting the cup from Joe.
The two looked at each other in surprise
at their cousin’s formality.
“Nothing’s better than good coffee,” she
smiled clearly savoring its flavor then sobered as she noticed her eldest
cousin scrutinizing her critically.
“I’m not too sure about this, however, Miss Cartwright,” Adam
took the bullwhip from Josey and uncoiled it to its full length.
“I am, Mr. Cartwright. How else am I going to keep the McKeoun twins
or the Miller kids interested in class?” she teased smiling sweetly up at him
and seated herself in the blue chair.
Adam frowned. “You’re not serious?”
“Why not?” the petite redhead looked at
him knowing full well why not. “From what I’ve heard, if your teacher had
one, your dear father might have been saved a lot of grief,” she decided that
her pompous cousin needed to taken down a peg or two.
Clearly irritated by her answers, Adam
turned to his father. “And what does the head of the school board think about
this piece of equipment for a school teacher?”
“I guess it depends on how she intends to
use it as a teacher,” Ben said studying his niece’s face, trying to figure out
if getting a rise out of Adam was her only motive. “And how do you intend to use it, Josephine?”
“Why, Uncle Benjamin. I’m hurt that you would ask me that,” Josey
pretended to be mortally wounded by the inquiry. “How do you think I intend to use it?”
“I think, Miss Cartwright, that you intend
to use it to get out of being Mr. Jenkins’ substitute, that’s what I think,”
Adam had recoiled the whip and was slapping it against his leg impatiently.
“Whatever are you driving at, Mr.
Cartwright?” she took off her spectacles and put them on the table beside her.
“Let’s cut to the quick, you little brat,”
Adam put his foot on the coffee table and glared at her. “You know the parents
won’t let you teach the children with this.”
“They won’t?” she asked innocently. “Well,
that’s a surprise.”
At that moment, Ben, Hoss and Little Joe
all concluded that Josey was trying to get Adam’s goat and decided to sit back
and watch, stepping in only if absolutely necessary.
Adam, for all his intelligence, still did
not understand that she was teasing him.
“That’s a surprise?” Adam raged walking
away from her pinching his nose in an effort to control himself.
Josey took this opportunity to roll her
eyes at the other Cartwrights and giggle softly.
“That’s a surprise?!?!?” he whirled back
to face her. “Pa,” he turned to address his father. “You can’t let her teach those children. Everyone will be up in arms!”
“Well, son,” Ben gulped and tried to be
serious, “What do you propose I do for a substitute teacher?”
“There’s got to be someone else… anyone
else. I’ll even teach them before I let
Josephine use this on them,” Adam sat back down on the settee in exasperation.
“OK,” Ben couldn’t help but laugh at what had
just transpired, whether his niece intended it to happen or not. “You’re the new substitute teacher.”
“I’m what?” What Adam had just said with his mouth
finally caught up with his brain.
“You’re the new substitute teacher, Adam,”
his father smiled leaning forward to shake his eldest’s hand. “Mr. Jenkins said today’s lesson plans are in
his desk and the pump handle is a bit tricky but you’ll catch on in no time,
I’m sure,” Ben tried to keep a straight face.
Adam was still in the state of shock at
what just happened.
“Thanks for volunteering, Cous,” Josey
giggled. “I’m just a bit disappointed
that I won’t be able to show the children the tricks I can do with my whip,”
she picked up her satchel and began to rummage through it. “Ah, here you go,” she handed a gold plaque
to Joe, a silver engraved cup to Hoss and a blue ribbon to her uncle.
“I’m impressed,” Ben grinned handing his
niece back the blue ribbon.
Joe cackled at the look on Adam’s face
while Hoss tried not to laugh.
“So let me get this straight, Miss
Cartwright. You weren’t intending to use
this,” Adam held up the bullwhip, “On the children at all?” He tried to keep
his temper under control as he addressed his cousin.
“Of course not, silly. I only intended to show the class how
proficient I am and then, maybe as a reward, I would have taught some of the
bigger ones how to handle it,” Josey explained putting her bag back on the
floor.
“And yet you let us all believe that you
were actually going to use it on the children?” Adam’s anger with the petite
redhead was clear.
“I didn’t believe it,” Joe chimed in.
“Me neither,” Hoss grinned.
“I didn’t say anything of the kind, you
chowderhead. I can’t help it if you
jumped to the wrong conclusion,” she smiled at Adam sweetly.
“I see,” he tried to calm himself as he
put the bullwhip down on the coffee table and sat down beside it and Josey’s
books. “Pa, if I’m the new teacher, does
that mean that I am required to carry out the directives of the school board?”
he took Josey by the hand.
She looked at him quizzically.
“Yes, to a certain extent,” Ben stood up
and folded his arms across his chest, wondering where his oldest son was going
with this.
“And if someone was given the choice
between being a substitute teacher and a razor strap and that someone did not
substitute for the teacher, would the substitute teacher be authorized to…”
Adam jerked her out of the chair and over his knee.
“Let me go!” She struggled to get away.
“No, not really,” Ben decided, stepping
forward to grab Adam’s hand in midswing, allowing Josey to scramble to her
feet. “Technically she did volunteer to substitute and any other consequence
was to be administered by me as head of the school board. Therefore, you as a
substitute teacher are not authorized to take any action in regard to Josephine
on behalf of the board.”
“But I’m a board member too,” Adam tried
another tact. “Doesn’t that give me certain authority…?”
“Remember the head of the board has veto
power over such things,” Ben said smugly. “In fact, that was your idea when we
had to fire the last teacher. She was
one of your old girlfriends, wasn’t she?
Any way, Josey’s not the substitute teacher. You are,” he chuckled at the face his son
made. “Sorry, Adam,” he sat down in the
chair that Josey had recently occupied and pulled her down to a sitting
position on its arm. “You outsmarted yourself and,” he looked at the clock,
“You’re going to be late for school. But
if it will help, Josey has just volunteered to do all of your chores while you
are substituting for her substituting for Mr. Jenkins.”
“I’ll be doing what?” Josephine’s eyes
flew open in surprise.
“Adam’s jobs,” Ben repeated sternly.
“Oh,” she thought for a minute. “All right.
That should be easy enough,” she giggled mischievously. “What’s he do around here, anyway?” she winked
at Hoss and Little Joe.
“You know,” Joe saw this as his golden
opportunity to poke a little fun at his big brother himself. “Stand around, frown and make obscure
references to some dead philosopher about the weather and the general condition
of man,” he grinned sipping his coffee.
“He sings an off-key song every once in a
while,” Hoss added.
“So he hasn’t changed at all, huh?” Josey
giggled. “I’ll just throw in a couple of smirks too,” she perfectly imitated
Adam’s expression.
Hoss, Joe and Ben burst out laughing at
the face Josey made.
“Oh, ha, ha,”Adam said sarcastically as he
picked up his cousin’s books from the table, his saddlebag from the sideboard
and his hat from the rack. “I didn’t
know that I came from such a funny family.”
“Adam, don’t forget your guns,” Joe
reminded him.
“Or may be you want this after all, Mr.
Cartwright?” Josephine teased reaching forward and holding up her
bullwhip.
“Careful, Miss Cartwright, or I may use
that on you when I get back,” Adam glared at her.
She stuck out her tongue at him in
response and put the whip down again.
“We’ll continue this discussion later for
darn sure, Miss Cartwright,” Adam turned and slammed the front door behind him.
“That’s what he thinks,” Josey laughed
trying to get to her feet.
“Not so fast, little lady.” Ben grabbed
his niece by the arm. “We have a few
things to discuss,” he stood up and sat her down in the chair in which he was
sitting.
“I think we’ll get going to check those
fences near the Larson place, Pa,” Hoss prodded Little Joe in the ribs.
“Fine.
See you for lunch,” Ben called after his sons as they left.
“Now as for you, Josephine,” he turned
back to address Josey. “I don’t know
what your intentions were when you started this nonsense with the bullwhip. I think you just wanted to see how far you
could push Adam. I don’t think you
intended to trick him into volunteering to teach.”
“Very true, Uncle Ben. He hoisted himself
by his own petard as he would no doubt remark at this point,” she said with a
scowl on her pretty face.
Ben almost laughed in spite of himself but
sobered. “Josephine, behave,” he told
her firmly.
“I’m just doing Adam’s job,” she tried to
sound serious. “It’s tougher than I thought, though. I hope my face doesn’t freeze this way,” she
stood up and took a look at herself in the mirror.
“Well, just stop doing the Adam imitations
and listen to me!” he ordered turning her to face him. “Adam had a short fuse and can only be pushed
so far.”
“All right, Unc,” Josey smiled at Ben,
“I’ll ease up on him a little bit, I promise.
He’s just so serious, you can’t but help poking fun at him. I’ll even take over teaching Monday, if Mr.
Jenkins can’t. Now what is he really
supposed to do today?”
“Adam was to help me negotiate the logging
contract with Mr. Donahue,” Ben picked up the whip from the table and handed it
to Josey. “You’ll have to go with me for
that. What do you know about logging and
timber contracts?”
“As much as any graduate of Mt. Holyoke, I
guess,” she remarked putting the bullwhip into her satchel. “I’ll just go change…”
“Don’t change, Josephine,” Ben critically
studied his niece. “You in that dress
might be just the thing to cinch the deal.
All you need now is a frilly bonnet and a parasol and you’ll look the
part of my demure and ladylike little New England niece who knows nothing at
all about business and such.”
“But I thought I was supposed to be Adam
today,” she protested picking up her eyeglasses from the table and perching
them on her nose again. “I’ve got a perfect black outfit and hat and I’ve
nearly got his attitude down pat,” she frowned again at her uncle.
“If you know what’s good for you, young
lady, you’ll cut out all of this nonsense right now,” Ben steered her to the
staircase. “Run along and get your bonnet,”
he ordered urging her on her way with a gentle push, “Or else I won’t wait for
Adam to have his discussion with you later.”
“Yes, Uncle,” she sighed and started up
the stairs.
* * * *
Ben Cartwright was madder than a wet
hen. Josey had not only become Adam, she
was worse than Adam! He had hoped she
would be charming. She was anything
but. Shortly after they arrived at the
Donahues’ ranch, Josey the ‘demure and ladylike little New England niece’ that
Ben thought would ‘cinch the deal’ with the Donahue men turned into his oldest
son. She was barely cordial when John
Donahue’s oldest son’s offer to help her from the carriage. In fact, she snubbed both of the owner’s sons
during her introduction to them. When
the conversation drifted briefly to politics, she opined that there would have
been no question over Nevada becoming a state if women were able to vote. Then she, a dyed in the wool coffee drinker,
made a huge fuss because coffee was being served to her and not tea which, in
her opinion, ‘was a more appropriate drink for a lady.’ When John offered to
have his cook make her tea, she rudely ignored him and began to talk about the
tea she had with the preacher’s wife the week before and how his cook could not
possibly make tea as good as that. Then
somehow, even though she wasn’t having any, she managed to accidentally spill the coffeepot not only on her uncle but also on
Mr. Donahue.
Of course, given her other behavior, Ben
wasn’t so sure it was an accident
since he thought he saw her studying a column of figures surreptitiously while
he and Donahue had a moment of peace and quiet before the accident. Ben, upon observing her interest, made a mental note to
check the numbers himself. But then the accident happened and while the two men
were occupied mopping up the warm brown liquid, Josey snatched up the contract,
glanced down at it and almost obliterated it by accidentally dropping it ink side down in the puddle that had
collected on Donahue’s desk. Ben
apologized profusely, glared at Josey, rescued the document and then saw the
$3000 mistake when he flipped it over.
After that, he cast a few sideways glances at her as she casually and
quietly sipped a glass of water while he pointed out the error to John. The
Cartwrights left with Ben shaking hands with John and his boys but with no
logging contract. Ben was none too
gentle as he helped his niece back into the carriage.
They were about three miles from the
Donahues when he looked at the coffee stain on his pants leg and then across at
Josey who somehow throughout the mishap remained stain-free, all prim and
proper, holding her ruffled white parasol.
He had not said one word to her since they left John’s office in
shambles, coffee everywhere.
“You know, young lady,” he finally broke
his silence drawing the carriage to a halt in the road,” I have never been so
embarrassed and angry in my whole life,” he glared at her. “If I hadn’t
promised myself this morning that Adam would be the one to mete out any
comeuppance to you, you would be over my knee this minute!”
“Have I done something to upset you, Unc?
I thought I was acting just like Adam,” she insisted straightening herself in
her seat.
Ben counted to ten, then counted to ten
again and again. He closed his eyes and
took a deep breath before he spoke.
“Josephine, the boys were to cut firewood after lunch today,” he said in
very measured tones. “I expect you to
take on Adam’s responsibility.”
“Fine, Unc. I’ll do my usual best considering
that I’m Adam and all,” she smirked and began to hum “The Battle Hymn of the
Republic.”
Ben again counted to 10, again
contemplated putting her over his knee and once more counted to 10.
“Is there something wrong with Jake?” she
asked innocently when she noticed they still weren’t moving. “I can always take a look at him,” she
offered closing her parasol and standing up to climb out of the carriage. ”After all, I am extremely well versed on
every subject there is on earth.”
Ben reached out, grabbed her by the back
of her skirt and hauled her down in her seat hard. “Josephine, you are insufferable,” he clucked
to the big horse to move forward.
“Just like Adam,” Josey reminded him,
opened her parasol and began to hum again.
Give
me strength,
Ben looked up to the heavens. Then he
started to count to ten over and over again until they were back at the ranch.
* * * *
“That bad, huh?”
“However,” Ben added assisting Josey into
her chair, “Didn’t Shakespeare say ‘Mend your speech a little, lest you mar
your fortunes?’ ” Ben looked at him meaningfully.
Not wanting to be left out, Joe offered, “
‘A penny saved is a penny earned.’ ”
“Like you would know,” Josey smirked just
like Adam before picking up her napkin and placing it on her lap.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Joe
demanded while Hoss and Ben chuckled.
“Oh, nothing,” she straightened out the
silverware and flicked a miniscule piece of lint from her plate. “It’s just
that I’ve heard that you never seem to have more than two nickels to rub
together the day after payday.”
“Is that so?”
“So I’ve been told. Of course,” she smiled at Hop Sing who placed
a bowl of chowder on her plate, “If you would just stay at home and read a good
book every once in a while and not spend your time playing poker…well...”
Ben looked up very much interested in how
many beans Josey was ready to spill about what she heard about his youngest
son’s leisure activities.
Joe also noted his father’s interest and
decided to steer the conversation in another direction… that is toward Josey’s
misdeeds of the morning. “So, what
happened at the Donahues?”
“Oh, nothing much. Just a little accident with a coffee pot,”
Josey recognized the ploy and began playing with the kernels of corn in her
chowder.
“For a little accident, there was quite a
bit of coffee – all over the place,” Ben added looking over at Josephine to see
her reaction, “Including me,” he motioned to the stain on his pants’ leg. “And
especially all over the logging contract which, as it turned out, had a very large
error in calculations. If I would have
signed it, it would have cost us $3000.”
Hoss raised his eyebrows. Adam had
casually mentioned to him the other day that the contract with the Donahues
would have been a mistake. “Well, then, that’s a good thing, isn’t
it, Pa?” he brightened nudging Josey
in the ribs.
“Except ‘Adam Cartwright’ here,” Ben
motioned to Josephine, “Was so obnoxious, Mr. Donahue won’t sign another
contract with us for a very long time.”
“He actually said that?” Joe propped his
head on his hand and watched Josey squirm.
Ben noticed a certain 5-year-old delight
in Joe’s green eyes that some other kid besides him was in trouble.
“Not in so many words but he did mention
to me when we left that a wooden spoon taken to a certain impudent young lady’s
backside might work wonders,” Ben glanced at his niece who pretended to ignore
her uncle’s remark.
“Oh, do tell?” Joe was really enjoying
this.
“In fact,” Ben unfolded his napkin and
turned his gaze to his youngest,” It probably would work well on a certain
young man who gambles in spite of his father’s express orders too.”
Hoss tried to suppress a grin as Joe
gulped and scrutinized a particularly large piece of potato in his spoon in an effort
to avoid his parent’s scrutiny.
“You know, Pa, I’d just bet
that you’d like a nice hot cup of coffee right now,” Hoss joked taking
a long drink from his own cup.
Ben chuckled recognizing the
none-too-subtle references to their fellow diners. “No, Hoss. Just a wooden spoon,” Ben looked meaningfully
from Josey to Joe and sipped his water.
Both gulped this time.
* * * *
Joe glanced over at the figure dressed in
black dutifully chopping firewood. He
chuckled to himself as Hoss came out of the barn carrying the two-man saw. He too was studying the woodchopper with
interest.
“It’s hard to believe that dang little gal
can go through a stack of wood like that,” the big man remarked as she smiled
at them and wiped her brow. She then
picked up another piece of wood, put it on the stump and split in two. “I think
she’s better than old Adam at it.”
“I think Pa thought it would be some type
of punishment for this whole ‘Adam’ mess, but she seriously seems to be
enjoying it,” Joe giggled. “You know, if we can keep her chopping like this,
we’ll have enough firewood for the next two winters.”
“Well,” Hoss lifted a log up on the
sawbuck and positioned the big saw’s teeth on its bark, “I guess you and I
better start giving her something to chop, little brother.”
Joe took another look at his cousin, shook
his head, and grabbed the other end of the saw.
* * * *
Hop Sing frowned. Little
girl should not be chopping wood like a lumberjack even if she was to be Mister
Adam for the day. He glanced over to
his boss’s desk and saw him trying to add up a column of numbers but he too was
listening to the steady rhythm of the firewood cutting team outside his
window. The sawing was very slow and
deliberate but the chopping was energetic.
He stood up, turned and glanced out the window to try to identify which
of the three was doing what job. He was
stunned to see his little niece swinging the ax and even more stunned at the
quantity of firewood stacked around her.
“Hop Sing…” he started to yell but
adjusted his tone when he found the cook right beside him.
“Yes, Missy Josey chopped all that wood by
herself,” Hop Sing knew what he was going to ask before he asked it. “I watched her from kitchen. She get no help
from sons. You should make her rest. No
good for girl to work so hard. I bring
out lemonade and make her rest. You go
talk to her,” he turned and left Ben standing there still watching Josey
work.
Grudgingly Ben admitted to himself that
Hop Sing was right, stuffed his hands into his front pockets, and strode out to
the work area. “Josephine, aren’t you
supposed to be ‘Adam’ today?” he asked as she finished a down swing.
“That’s correct,” Josey looked quizzically
at her uncle, leaning on her ax.
“Well,” he took the ax from her and
steered her over to a chair on the porch.
“I didn’t hear you complain once about Joe and Hoss not working as hard
as you are.”
“That’s true, Josey,” Joe thought he also
should take a breather and left Hoss hanging there with the big saw without the
second man. “In fact, we never get this
much done because we’re usually fighting about who’s doing more work.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the petite redhead smiled
smugly. “I thought it was perfectly
obvious that I was doing more work than you two put together. I didn’t know I had to complain about it too
or I would have,” she stated her position so much like his eldest son that even
Ben had to look at her in surprise.
“What do you mean you’re doing more work
than the two of us?” Joe’s green eyes flashed.
“Well, ‘little brother’,” Josey lazily
plopped her boots up on the table leaning back in her chair, “Let’s compare the
size of the woodpiles,” she swept her arm dramatically toward her chopping
area. “Now let’s look at what you two
have managed to accomplish,” she motioned to Hoss who was still standing
holding the end of the two-man saw.
“It’s hardly a competition,” she took a sip of the lemonade that Hop
Sing just handed her. “Thank you,” she
smiled up at him and winked.
“But, Josey,” Hoss decided to jump into
the fray, “You wouldn’t have all that wood to chop up if it wasn’t for Joe and
me cutting it down to size.”
“Not really all of it,” Josey straightened
in her chair and put her lemonade down on the table. She tented her fingers as Adam usually did
when he had to explain complicated concepts to his younger brothers. “You see, half of the wood I chopped was
sawed by Virginia City’s substitute teacher of the year yesterday so by my
calculations,” she leaned back in the chair again and closed her eyes, “You and
your little brother only sawed half of what I chopped. And dividing the wood that you two sawed by
two,” she held up two fingers still with her eyes closed, “You each only did
one quarter of the work that I’ve done today.”
The petite redhead opened her eyes to find
Joe and Hoss standing there gaping at her with their mouths open. “I see you
concur in my analysis.”
Ben smiled to himself. Josephine was even better than Adam at confounding
Hoss and Joe. “You know, boys,” he moved to stand between his two sons and
rested his hands on their backs. “Josey’s right. She has managed to outwork you two. Of course, if she’s really supposed to be
Adam today, then I imagine that she is also ‘bull of the woods’ like Adam.”
Hoss and Joe looked at each other
conspiratorially. “I don’t know about
that, Pa,” Hoss drawled sauntering up to stand on one side of his little
cousin. “Seems to me that old Adam had
to win that title by besting all comers at the logging operation.”
“Didn’t I do that already?” Josey was
trying to figure out where this all was leading.
“Not exactly,” Joe folded his arms across
his chest and moved to a position on the other side of Josey. “You not only have
to outwork us but also outfight us,” he exchanged a quick glance with his
brother.
“And I don’t think that old Adam would be
none too pleased if you lost his title for him, do you?” Hoss also folded his arms over his chest and
looked her straight in the eye trying to intimidate her.
She looked back at him as if she was
somewhat annoyed.
“That’s not fair,” Hop Sing who had been
silently watching the proceedings spoke up.
“She just little girl. She can’t
fight two big men.”
“It’s okay, Hop Sing, really,” Josey
insisted handing the cook her glass and looking from one cousin to another,
mapping her strategy. “I can take you
both on. No problem.” She looked at her
uncle with all the confidence of the heavyweight champion of the world.
Ben held his breath hoping that the boys
wouldn’t hurt her too much.
“Ha,” Joe laughed. “No problem,” he
imitated Josey imitating Adam.
“Just say ‘when’, ‘older brother’,” Hoss
smiled broadly.
Josey also smiled broadly gripping the
edge of the table with her hands. “When!” she slipped under the table just as
Hoss and Joe both dived at the spot where she had been. They, of course, ended up grappling briefly
with each other. That gave her enough
time to scamper out from under the table and upset it on both of their chests,
pinning them to the porch floor so that they could not even move their
arms. She then put all of her 100 or so
pound weight against the tabletop by sitting on it.
Ben was stunned. How
could this have happened?
“Dadburnit, Josey!” Hoss fumed trying to
move the table off of them. “Let us up!”
“That wasn’t fair!” Joe protested
struggling to free himself.
“Whatever do you mean, Joseph?” Ben
strolled around the table to address his youngest.
“She cheated!” Joe yelled struggling to
get free.
“I most certainly did not!” Josey put more
pressure on his side of the table by shifting her weight. “Let’s face it,” she smirked an Adam-like
smirk,” I out-worked, out-fought, out-smarted and out-foxed the two of you,”
she added a superior laugh to the end of her statement.
“Josephine, let them up!” Ben decided that
enough was enough and ordered his niece. “The wood will never get cut this
way.”
“Not until they concede that I’m just as
much ‘the bull of the woods’ as Adam is,” she stuck out her chin defiantly.
Ben glared at her. “Boys?” he looked down at his sons again.
“You’re ‘the bull of the woods’,” Hoss
rolled his eyes.
“Joseph?”
“Yeah, she’s ‘the bull of the woods’,” Joe
reluctantly agreed. “Now let me up!!”
“Good. Now that that’s settled, what kind
of prize do I get?” she looked hopefully at her uncle still not moving to
release her cousins.
“A good spanking,” Joe muttered under his
breath.
“Yeah,” Hoss added glaring up at her. “A
real good one.”
“You’re the boss of them now,” Ben,
silently agreeing with his sons’ comments, picked Josey up by the waist and
moved her out of the way while Hop Sing helped Joe and Hoss with the table.
“That is, when it comes to this wood cutting operation,” he quickly added.
“Well, men,” Josey brushed some dust off
her black outfit and assumed a superior air, “I guess you better get back to
work stacking all this wood that the ‘bull’ chopped.”
“And what might the ‘bull’ be doing while
we do that?” Joe looked angrily at the petite redhead.
“Why, I’ll be supervising you and reading
to you from one of Adam’s books to improve your minds,” she announced sitting
down in the porch rocker and picking up whatever dusty volume her eldest cousin
left lying there. “Here we go. The Merchant of Venice by William
Shakespeare.”
“Pa?” Joe looked helplessly at his father.
“Sorry, son. That’s the rules,” Ben clapped Joe on the
back and started to follow Hop Sing into the house.
“Ahhh, here’s Portia’s speech to the
court. ‘The quality of mercy is not
strained, It droppeth as the gentle rain form heaven upon the place beneath…”
Joe shook his head silently cursing his
brother Adam and his cousin Josey.
Hoss sighed and held out his arms for his
brother to stack wood in them.
“..Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it
becomes the throned monarch better than his crown….”
Ben looked back to survey the work
crew. How soon before Adam returned from school and all this nonsense ends?
“…His sceptre shows the force of temporal
power, the attribute to awe and majesty, wherein doth sit the dread and fear of
kings…” she droned on.
Not
soon enough, he decided and went into the house to work on the books
again.
* * * *
Good
grief, Ben thought going over the timber figures again. How
could I have missed this? He would have never discovered it if Josey hadn’t
had the coffee accident. Or was it an accident? He still wasn’t
so sure. Josey was, after all, extremely
bright and probably did notice the mistake.
And maybe the knocked over
coffeepot was intended to give the two men the chance to save face and find it
on their own… which is what sort of happened, he guessed.
The
front door gently swinging open and Hoss entering with Josey in his arms
interrupted his thoughts.
“The ‘bull’ here fell asleep,” his middle
son explained quickly trying to calm any concerns his father might have. He
gently laid her down on the settee and picked up a blanket to cover her.
“She probably just tired herself out doing
all that chopping,” Ben straightened the stack of papers he was working with.
“Nah, Shakespeare always puts me to sleep
too,” Hoss disagreed. “I almost found myself dropping off a few times,” he
yawned loudly.
“How’s the wood coming?”
“We’re purt near done. Maybe half an hour of stacking and cleaning
up. Josey really did do alot of it,” Hoss grinned from ear to ear.
“Hoss,” Ben motioned for him to come over
to his desk. “Is Josey really the ‘bull’
or did she maybe have a little indirect help from you in retaining Adam’s
title?” he whispered looking his son straight in the eye.
Hoss blushed slightly. “Well, let’s just say in my book she is,” he
winked at his father. “Joe and I will be in shortly.”
* * * *
Josey strummed lightly on Adam’s guitar,
listening intently to its sound.
“Josey, you’re just asking for trouble,”
Hoss shook his head sitting down beside his petite cousin on the hearth.
“You worry too much, Hoss,” she stretched
her legs out in front of her. “Adam will be too tired to bother with me after
teaching that pack of hooligans all day.”
“Or else, he’ll be so gal-danged frustrated
that he couldn’t beat any sense into them that he’ll try to beat some sense
into you. Well, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“I’ll be fine,” she tried to reassure him.
Looking for any kind of help, Hoss walked
across the room to his father who still was seated at his desk trying to make
some numbers add up. “Pa, could you…?”
Ben merely shrugged. “It’s her decision,”
he muttered gruffly. “She’ll get whatever punishment she deserves in the end,
Hoss, and the sooner the better. If I
hadn’t promised myself that it was Adam’s prerogative, she wouldn’t be sitting
there so comfortably making that awful racket right now,” he raised his voice
so that Josey would surely hear him.
If she did, she ignored him continuing to
tune the guitar.
“Joe, maybe you can try to persuade her,”
Hoss turned to his younger brother who was sprawled in a chair close to their
father.
“Persuade her? Ha! I agree with Pa,” Joe
didn’t even look up from his reading. “I
was ready to wallop her at least three times today myself. And don’t you tell
me you weren’t ready to either after that table incident. Bull of the woods,
indeed,” he muttered under his breath.
“Does this sound flat enough to you,
Hoss?” Josephine called to him as she played a really sour C-chord.
“It’s going to be a massacre,” Hoss sighed
and returned to his cousin’s side. He
listened a few minutes to her playing but suddenly remembered what she was
wearing.
“Dadburnit, gal! I’d feel a lot better if
you’d at least change your clothes,” Hoss nagged Josey, referring to her ‘Adam’
outfit. “It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. And stopped that
smirking!”
“I’m trying, Hoss. Honest. But once you start, it’s really hard to
stop.”
“You know, you were only to do Adam’s job today,”
Hoss tried another tact. “Not be him.”
“Yes, I know that,” she said
impatiently. “Here. See if I’ve got the “off key” part down pat,”
she tried another chord.
“Josephine…” Hoss was truly frustrated
with his cousin.
“‘Alas, my love, you do me wrong to cast
me off discourteously,’ ” Josey sang in a full rich soprano.
Ben looked up from his paperwork and Joe
from his book. It had been a long time
since either of them had heard Josey sing and they had forgotten what a good
voice she had.
“‘When I have loved you so long delighting
in your company’…”
Adam chose that moment to come through the
front door after a hard day of substitute teaching.
“‘Greensleeves was my delight…’ ”
He quietly put his saddlebag and gunbelt
down on the sideboard and moved toward the living room. Joe and Ben finally noticed his presence.
“‘Greensleeves was all my joy...’” she
smiled up at Hoss who sat beside her.
Adam set all but one of the books on the
side table behind the settee.
Ben rose out of his chair and came to
stand next to Adam.
“‘…Greensleeves was my heart of gold…’”
she glanced up to see her eldest cousin, arms folded across his chest
encircling a geography book, listening intently.
Joe not wanting to miss anything closed
his book and joined his father and brother.
“‘And who but my Lady Greensleeves.’”
“Brava,” Ben applauded the efforts of his
niece.
“That was plum beautiful, sweetheart,”
Hoss smiled broadly.
“But I didn’t hear anything off key,” Joe
piped up as Hoss kissed her gently on the cheek.
“Me neither,” Adam cleared his
throat. “The ribbons aren’t exactly my
style,” he moved forward to touch one of them in her auburn hair. “However, the
outfit is very familiar,” he noted taking his guitar from Josey and handing it
to Hoss.
Josey held her breath as did the others
when Adam pulled her to her feet. He
examined her attire at arm’s length, chuckled slightly and gave her a gentle
hug still holding the large geography book in his right hand. He then smacked her so hard on the rear end
with it that she had to put her hands on his chest to avoid falling
forward. “Now, if you know what’s good
for you, you better stop being me right this minute,” he ordered sternly. “Or
else!” he held the volume poised about a foot from her backside indicating his
willingness to use it again. “I’ve dealt with spoiled little brats all day so
I’ve had a lot of practice.”
Her hands still resting on his chest,
Josephine looked behind her at the distance between the book and her derriere
and gulped.
“Anything you say, Teach,” she grinned
reaching up to pinch his cheek. “I was
getting tired of being you
anyway. All that frowning and scowling
and …well…I was beginning to get wrinkles.
Anyway, there can only be one Adam Cartwright.”
“Good girl,” Adam kissed her lightly on
the cheek and released her.
“Amen,” Ben took the geography book from
his son, opened it to see what all was in it and turned back to return to his
desk. “Maybe things can get back to normal around here and we can stop all of
this nonsense.”
“Of course,” Josey said with a twinkle in
her eye, “Maybe there could be more than one Ben Cartwright.”
Ben stopped dead in his tracks, his back
toward Josephine but facing his sons.
“What kind of things does Uncle Ben do
around here?” She asked her cousins
innocently.
“Oh-oh,” Adam muttered while Joe looked to
God for some type of intervention.
“Pa…” Hoss tried to think of something to
say to defuse the situation.
Ben took a deep breath, counted to ten and
turned to address Josey holding the book behind his back. “What kind of things does Uncle Ben do around
here, eh? Well, let’s see…” he took a
step toward her, “He loses a timber contract because of his disrespectful
niece’s rudeness and impudence while she pretends to be his oldest son….”
The petite redhead gulped taking a step back
from her uncle while Adam looked pleased.
“…He discovers while supervising a
childish lunchtime squabble that his disobedient youngest son is gambling when
he has been told countless times not to…” he shot a sideways glance at Joe who
began to check the fireplace for dust. “He referees a crooked ‘bull of the
woods’ contest in the front yard that is rigged by his conniving but well
meaning middle son….”
Hoss tried to look innocent as Joe,
unhappy with his older brother’s betrayal, stopped inspecting the fireplace and
glared at him.
“…He endures endless Shakespeare and
poetry readings, constant guitar strumming and insolent remarks from his
smart-alecky oldest son...”
Adam really was confused how it was that
he could be mentioned in his father’s litany of sins when he wasn’t even around
today, but, under the circumstances, he wasn’t about to ask him for an
explanation.
“…He puts up with all kinds of nonsense
and shenanigans and, with all that, he still finds time to do his own
impeccable Adam Cartwright imitation,” he advanced toward Josey holding up the
geography book so she could see it.
Josephine had retreated so far now that
she accidentally backed into the bottom of the staircase and ended up falling
backwards hard to a sitting position on the second step.
“Care to see my Adam imitation, little
girl?” he banged the large book against his leg and took her by the hand
pulling her to her feet.
She looked at him warily and looked at the
book. “No, thank you, Uncle,” she smiled
nervously, rubbing her backside recalling the swat that she had received with
it from Adam a minute earlier. “I now
understand that – like Adam Cartwright – one Ben Cartwright around here is more
than enough.”
“And don’t you,” Ben looked his niece
straight in the eye, “Or any of you, forget it!” he pointed to each of his
sons. “Now you,” he jerked his index
finger back at the petite redhead, “Go upstairs, change out of that get-up and
get back down here in 10 minutes for dinner or, so help me, I promise I will
wail the daylights out of you with this book.
Understand?”
“Yes, sir,” she scampered up the staircase
and around the corner quicker than Ben had ever witnessed anyone do so before.
Ben then turned to his sons. “Now as for you three, if I hear so much as a
sigh out of any of you in the next 10 minutes, we’re all going out to the
barn. Understand?”
They all nodded, not daring to make any
kind of sound, even if it was “Yes, sir.”
“Good,” Ben sank down in his red leather
chair and opened the book again. Imitation
may be the sincerest form of flattery but silence in this house after the kind
of day it had been was golden, he mused looking at an excerpt on the
Sandwich Islands. Ah, he closed his
eyes. Palm trees… soft sand… native girls…no relatives…. and no Adam
imitations…Paradise…
**************************************************
Many thanks to David Dortort for his
creation of Bonanza in general and the Cartwrights, Hop Sing and the Ponderosa in
particular. The author does not claim ownership of any of the aforementioned
characters. This story is not intended to infringe on any known copyrights. The
author gratefully acknowledges the work of the immortal bard William
Shakespeare, Warren Douglas (“The Prime of Life,” Season 5) and Jerry Adelman
(“Right is the Fourth R,” Season 6) for certain elements used in this
story. Josephine Marie Cartwright ©
December, 2004, and Jake the Horse © December, 2004 are copyrighted characters
belonging to the author. ALL INTERNATIONAL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED.