Ladies!

By K. K. Shaulis*

“Enough!” Ben Cartwright pushed the Enterprise he was trying to read for the last twenty minutes to the side, bolted out of his chair and stalked purposefully over to the staircase.

“If I have to come up there, you’re going to be four very sorry little girls!!!!” he roared from the first floor up to the second floor bedroom.

Like magic, the commotion above his head ceased.

“Harrumph!” Ben turned on his heel and frowned at his three sons who were all sprawled in various pieces of furniture around the great room. They had been asleep but were abruptly awakened by their father’s bellow. They glanced at each other, silently communicating more than if they actually spoke. The ladies upstairs were certainly getting a little bit loud but nothing that should cause such an angry outburst like their father had just had.

Must be the Granger deal, Hoss thought glancing at his father. Ben was to have left for Reno that morning but was waylaid by a series of unfortunate events that really was no one’s fault. However, their father was bound and determined to lay the blame at the feet of the “little girls” upstairs. “Something wrong, Pa?” he yawned and stretched. “You’re ouchier than an old grizzly with a sore tooth.”

Ben growled in his middle son’s general direction as if to prove his comment to be true, picked up the discarded newspaper and reseated himself. “I’ll be glad when we can dig out of here,” he rattled his newspaper a few times for good measure. “Then maybe I’ll be able to have some peace and quiet.” He frowned up at the ceiling and buried his nose in the Enterprise again.

Hoss looked over at Joe seeking assistance but Joe shrugged and closed his eyes not wishing to be a target for their father’s mood. Adam, however, literally and figuratively rose to the challenge.

“Well, there’s nothing we can do about it, Pa, unless you’ve figured out a way to stop the blizzard,” Adam stated matter-of-factly standing up and trying to unkink his back while he studied the ceiling. The noise from above them again was steadily increasing in volume. He then smirked at his father.

Ben, really did not appreciating his eldest’s comment or smirk, skewered him with his dark brown eyes and snapped, “You figure it out, smart guy!!!” then went back to reading.

Adam stopped in mid-stretch and stared at his father with his mouth open. What was going on here? Before he could answer the question himself or ask Pa for one….

C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!! The second floor of the ranch house fairly shook. All four men stopped breathing, waited and listened for sounds of distress or pain. For about a minute there was an eerie silence when they could hear only the snowstorm that had been raging outside since late afternoon and then, boisterous feminine laughter that was nearly as loud as the C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!!

Hoss howled, Adam and Joe grinned at each other knowing that four people even little ones was just a bit too much for the old pinewood bed, and Ben, well, given his mood, Ben exploded in a way that made the C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!! seem like a whisper.

“That does it!!!!!!!” he got to his feet again, threw the paper down in his chair and made a beeline for the staircase and up the stairs.

His sons who were almost certain that there was going to be sounds of both distress and pain any minute now followed right after him and actually collided with him when he stopped short in front of their cousin Josephine’s bedroom door. Josephine Marie Cartwright -- Ben’s brother’s stepdaughter or Josey as she preferred to be called -- had just returned from San Francisco where she resigned from her newspaper post so she could work at the Enterprise and start her own literary publication on the side. If looks could have killed, Josey would have been the last of the Cartwright younger generation at least until her uncle got his hands on her. Ben glared back at his three offspring while he savagely beat his fist on the barrier five times.

Half a minute passed without a response from inside where no doubt straws were drawn or lots were cast to see who would answer the angry knock.

“Who’s there?” Josephine, the apparent loser, finally asked knowing full well who it was.

Joe suppressed a giggle and Hoss and Adam tried really hard not to laugh at their cousin’s question while Ben counted to ten at least six times and took a deep deep deep breath. He then flung open the door so hard that it hit the wall with a loud bang startling the occupants of the collapsed bed. Its huge dark pine headboard was leaning back against the wall and its side rails and footboard were flat where they fell.

“Oh, did you want something, Uncle Ben?” Josey asked innocently while minister’s daughter Elizabeth Bailey, schoolteacher Mrs. Amanda Healey and heiress Katie Benson smiled sweetly up at Ben who was frowning down at them, his arms crossed over his chest, like they were misbehaving children. All four were lying on their stomachs in a line across the mattress that was now resting on the floor. Each was dressed in one of Josey’s warm flannel nightgowns. Their sweet smiles quickly disappeared when they realized they weren’t charming the patriarch of the Cartwright clan in the least bit.

“Boys,” Ben turned his head to address his sons who now were also in the room and were grinning at the expressions on the ladies’ faces. “Straighten up this room!!!!”

“Sure, Pa,” Adam smirked down at Josey who stuck her tongue out at him as he and Hoss moved to rescue the wall from the headboard’s weight and Joe bent over to pick up the footboard.

“Now,” Ben turned his attention back to the little women and pointed to each of them, “You ladies get out in the hall this instant or so help me…!!!!!!!” his voice began to increase in volume exponentially.

Whatever he was going to say next, Katie, Elizabeth, Josey and Amanda didn’t wait to hear. They were all wise enough to know when to move and move they did, scrambling to their bare feet and scooting past Ben and out the door like the devil himself was on their tails.

Adam, Joe and Hoss watched in amusement as Ben counted to ten two more times before he followed the women out into the hall. He glared at each of them as he walked by like a general reviewing the troops, cleared his throat and began. “I didn’t think I had to impress upon you young ladies the seriousness of our situation but I guess I do since all of you except Josey here are from the city.”

“You know, we get lots of snow in upstate New York, Mr. Cartwright,” Amanda interrupted him.

“We get our share in Boston, too,” Elizabeth chimed in.

“I know but not four feet at a time that keeps stacking up until it’s higher than the house,” he flashed four fingers for Mrs. Healey’s benefit and began to pace up and down in front of them. “It could be weeks before we can get you back to town. Now this is a fairly large house and one would think that eight people would be able to share the space fairly peaceably with not too much difficulty,” again he used his fingers to illustrate the number for the little blonde school teacher. “Still it’s going to take a lot of cooperation, patience, and respect for each other to get us through this,” he took a deep breath before he continued. “We got to get up early especially in the snow to take care of the animals and to try to dig us out. That means we go to bed early and that means all of us!!!! Nine o’clock most nights,” he held up nine fingers in front of Amanda.

Not unexpectedly she began to fume.

“That means no noise after nine. Understand? The bottom line is my house, my rules!” he yelled in Elizabeth’s ear.

She smiled and batted her dark brown eyelashes at him.

“Just a bit autocratic of you, isn’t it, Mr. Cartwright?” Amanda crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. “Last time I checked this was the United States and a democracy!”

“You can always leave if you like, madam,” Ben stopped and looked her straight in her big blue eyes. “Wear something red so we’ll be sure to recognize what’s left of your body when the spring thaw hits,” he advised smirking down at her. “One more thing,” he glared at all of them again. “Break any of my rules and there will be serious repercussions!!!!” he roared to emphasize his point.

“Welcome to the Ponderosa,” Josey muttered under her breath but not nearly soft enough for Ben spun on his heel and frowned at her.

“What did you say, little girl?”

“Oh, nothing, Unc,” she fibbed which earned her an even bigger frown.

“Maybe I should also mention as a reminder to certain persons, especially my niece, that I have a very low tolerance for dishonesty, disrespect or disobedience, the consequences for which are swift and fair and extremely thorough,” he bent over so his nose was within inches of Josephine’s. “Are we clear on that?”

The petite redhead nodded vigorously as did the others except Miss Bailey when he turned his head up the line to check their understanding of his position. He noted her lack of acknowledgement but said nothing.

“Now, it’s time we all turned in but I have one last warning. If for any reason I have to speak to any of you four tonight,” he held up four fingers in front of Mrs. Healey’s face again, “You’re all going to get a necessary talk,” he shook his finger under each of their noses and glowered for good measure at Josephine whose was the last nose he encountered.

She gulped as did Amanda and Katie. Elizabeth, however, looked really puzzled at Ben.

Ben wasn’t the only one that noted Miss Bailey’s confusion over his warning. The two little blondes decided it was time to clue the most recent member of the group in on ‘Cartwright speak.’ Miss Benson whispered something into Miss Bailey’s left ear and Mrs. Healey whispered something into her right. Miss Bailey expression changed dramatically from confusion to shock to fear as the two women whispered. Mrs. Healey shot another glare at Ben and again she received one in return.

“Pa,” Joe stuck his head out of the room. “Bad news. There’re three broken slats so we can’t fix it ‘til we can get out to the barn,” he smiled one of his most charming smiles at Elizabeth who returned it. This exchange did not go unnoticed by his father.

Ben thought for a minute looking at the four little ladies and Adam and Hoss who had joined Joe out in the hall. After all, he had to consider the proprieties of the situation now that Josey’s bed was unusable: Adam and Josey were engaged but had not even set a date. He was fairly sure that Hoss and Katie and Joe and Elizabeth were more than friends. Then there was his own relationship with the petite schoolteacher which was … well …??? He quickly decided that everyone had to be chaperoned in some fashion.

“We’ll just have to adjust our sleeping arrangements... er ... room assignments,” he corrected himself. “Let’s see, Josey and Amanda are in Joe’s room. Joe and Hoss will be together in Hoss’s room. Adam will sleep in my room with me and Elizabeth and Katie are in Adam’s room.”

His oldest and youngest exchanged distraught looks.

“Er….Pa….If it’s all the same to you, I’ll sleep downstairs and watch the fire,” Joe didn’t relish a night dodging his biggest brother’s tossing and turning not to mention his legendary snoring.

“Same here, Pa,” Adam spoke up. “You need some sleep and I would probably keep you up all night with my restlessness,” he patted his father on the back and moved beside his baby brother who was edging his way toward the steps.

“All right,” Ben agreed reluctantly. “I think that will work. Now does anyone else have anything to say?” he snarled at all seven of his charges.
No one dared to say a word.

“Good. Now, get to bed!!!!!!!!!!!” he bellowed his hands on his hips. Again his voice outdid the C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!!

The seven could not have moved any quicker than if they were dodging a lightning bolt from above. Adam and Joe each tried to be the first one down the stairs and out of their father’s reach. Hoss propelled Katie and Elizabeth toward Adam’s door while on his way to his room and Josey steered Amanda into Joe’s. Three doors slamming suddenly became music to Ben’s ears.

“Lord, give me strength,” he mumbled and headed for his own bed to brood about the weather and its unfortunate impact on his plans to go to Reno.

**********

Mrs. Healey gazed out the window at the blowing snow and sighed. It had been three days of solid white since she, Katie and Elizabeth set out for the Ponderosa in the rented carriage to see Josephine. She only intended to be gone for the day. Sure, it was a long trip but plans had to be made for the charity bazaar to benefit the library and Amanda being the chair had to finalize things with her “entire committee.” Little did the three realize that they would become houseguests for so long. The storm came up quicker than anyone had ever imagined. Even Ben seemed to be caught by surprise by the abrupt change in the weather, muttering certain expletives to himself during dinner that first night that she surely thought warranted a mouthful of soap. And his attitude over the last three days! Had he been one of his students, he would have received a stern tongue lashing, a few well directed swipes with a hickory switch to his posterior and an hour or so in a corner to think about his attitude. But, alas, causing any sort of a ruckus would not have helped anything so she gritted her teeth and vowed to be pleasant, no matter how infantile the patriarch of the Cartwright clan behaved.

The morning after the C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!! the men had managed to clear a path to the barn and had dutifully every three hours after that shoveled it “so it wouldn’t get ahead of them.” Consequently, Josephine’s bed had been repaired, the animals looked after, and despite the absence of Hop Sing, the Cartwright’s dedicated cook who was lucky to be in San Francisco visiting relatives, no one was hungry. The four women directed by the little schoolteacher pitched in to tend to the meals, wash dirty dishes, dry wet garments, and generally do what was necessary to keep the eight occupants of the ranch house reasonably comfortable. Hoss, Adam and Joe somehow had managed to maintain their good humors and manners and even had teased Josey, Elizabeth, Katie and herself to keep up their spirits. Their father, however, still seemed to be just plain mad, proving his earlier statement to them -- “…my house, my rules!” – to be a true one over and over again. He continued to dictate, fume, growl and demand at the top of his lungs. The women had done their best to be quiet and stay out of his way but things just seemed to keep going wrong and he would get angry with all four of them, even if only one of them was involved. This morning’s accident involving him, her and Elizabeth was the latest example and unfortunately sent him over the edge once more. She sighed again, turned and sat down in Ben’s place at the head of the table. “I wish we could think of something to do to get Ben out of his foul mood,” she remarked sipping her cup of tea.

“That’s easy. All we have to do is leave,” Katie rolled her eyes.

“Not happening,” Adam set his cup down in the saucer. “It normally takes a good three days to dig out of a normal snow so we can get to town and with Pa laid up….”

“Well, you’ve got us,” Elizabeth piped up. “We can help, you know.”

“Like you helped this morning with Buttercup?” Joe smirked at the minister’s daughter.

“That was an accident, Mr. Cartwright, and you know it!” Miss Bailey gave him a withering look.

Joe cackled in response, then immediately sobered when the schoolteacher gave him one of her patented glares usually reserved for misbehaving little boys in general and his father in particular.

“Does your father normally get this way when he’s snowed in, Adam?” Mrs. Healey stopped looking at Ben’s youngest who was seated to her left and began looking at Ben’s oldest who was seated to her right thinking he of all people would know how Ben behaved before in similar circumstances.

Adam cleared his throat. “No, he normally is so jovial we can’t stand him,” he smiled wryly at Hoss and Little Joe who both laughed.

“Is there any horrible job that has to be done inside the house that we could take care of for him?” Josey spoke up from her seat in the corner. She had just set a plate of warm sugar cookies on the table and had seated herself on a stool closest to the kitchen so she could easily check on the next pan. “You know… something that keeps getting put off?”

“The attic sure could use a good going over,” Hoss remarked off handedly reaching for one of the warm sweets. “I don’t think it’s been touched since Adam got back from college,” he grinned looking around at the others.

All four little ladies faces lit up like Christmas trees at the prospect of getting back in Ben’s good graces by tackling a big job like the attic sure had to be. His brothers’ faces told a different story.

“But,..um…,” Hoss stammered as he noticed the dirty looks Adam and Joe were giving him. “Well, um,” he glanced at Mrs. Healey who was seated opposite him. “Well, um…it’s so tiny — less than five and a half foot tall. Sure getting up the stairs for us is not too bad but it’s real hard for us men to move around in it.

“That’s right,” Joe nodded his agreement with Hoss’s statement as did Adam.

“We can’t even stand up up there. We wouldn’t really be able to help much at all,” Hoss thought this might deter the women from taking on the project.

“I don’t think that would be a problem for any of us,” Katie laughed referring to the fact that the tallest of the females was just slightly over 5 foot.

“But we just can’t ask you beautiful young ladies to go up there and get yourselves all dirty…” Joe tried his sweet talking approach.

“I’m sure there are a lot of your old shirts and pants around here somewhere that we could put on so we wouldn’t get ourselves all dirty,” Josey interrupted her youngest cousin then rushed for the kitchen, remembering her baking.

“…And…hey…it could be really cold up there – with the snow and all –and -- and there even might be spiders.” Joe had hoped that at the mention of arachnids the women would squeal in fright or cringe or faint or something to end all talk of cleaning the attic. Not one of them did, however.

“Don’t worry,” Elizabeth smiled patronizingly and patted his hand. “We’ll protect you, Joe.”

Joe gave her a withering look this time.

Adam dug deep to find another more worthy argument than bugs to dissuade the ladies from their chosen course of action. “But you know how fussy Pa is. He ‘s going to want to make sure we don’t get rid of anything unless he sees it.”

“Well, can’t we just bring the stuff down for Uncle Ben to look at if there is a question about it, darling?” Josey was back again but now standing directly behind Adam. She placed her right cheek against his left and her arms around his neck, hugging him gently.

That particular ‘darling’ along with her rose scented toilet water was all it took to weaken his resolve.

“Well, I suppose that might work….” Adam smiled sweetly up at Josey.

So much for New England stubborn. “But isn’t Pa supposed to be resting?” Joe was not about to see his dreams of rest and relaxation evaporate because his oldest brother was bewitched by the wiles of his redheaded cousin.

“How bad is his foot hurt anyway, dear?” Katie put her hand on Hoss’s.

Hoss gulped slightly embarrassed by this outright display of affection. “I don’t think anything’s broken…and he really doesn’t have a whole lot of swelling. It’ll probably be better in a day or two if we can just keep him quiet and in bed.”

Great! Joe noted with dismay that his middle brother also seemed to be succumbing to whatever female voodoo Miss Benson was conjuring up. He smiled weakly at Elizabeth. “I give up,” he buried his head in his hands that were resting on the table.

“Good boy, Joe,” the petite brunette cooed and patted his brown curls. “You know, idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”

“Then it’s settled!” the little school teacher announced smacking her hand hard against the table causing Joe to abruptly jerk his head up off the table. “Come on, girls. Let’s round up some cleaning stuff and, boys, you can find us some old clothes.”

“Yes, ma’am,” the “boys” chorused with a collective deep sigh as the women scurried off in all directions.

**********
Two solid hours of work and the ladies dressed in Joe’s old duds still had not made much of a dent in the contents of or the dirt in the attic. They did manage to round up and dispose of several dead critters with the help of the “boys” before they “seemed to have disappeared into thin air” and happily…

“….for Joe’s sake,” the minister’s daughter teased…

…the only evidence of spiders was the jumble of cobwebs that decorated every corner. Of course, wondering what the various items they encountered were and why the Cartwrights had hung on to them slowed them down a might.

“Have you ever seen such an ugly collection of junk in your whole life?” Katie wrinkled up her pert little nose at the nose of a stuffed moose’s head that hung on the sidewall of the fairly dark attic. Beside it was a stretched out pelt of a skunk -- no doubt a hunting trophy from one of the boys, several assorted sombreros, naval and military hats and what appeared to be a giant pair of bird’s wings. A collection of Chinese lanterns, banners, buntings and other paper gee-gaws filled out the rest of the area. “Hoss was certainly right that this place hasn’t been cleaned since Adam came back from college. Look at this bunch of busted window panes,” she pulled out a washtub full of broken glass. “Why would you keep this sort of thing anyway?” she turned to look at the other ladies.

Elizabeth shrugged and wiped her hand across her forehead leaving a trail of dirt where her hand traveled. “Sentimental value?”

Katie shrugged herself and put it back where she found it.

“What do you suppose this is?” Josey stooped to pull something that obviously was big and heavy out of a deep dark corner. “Besides hideous,” she added after examining it and then handed the thing over to the little blonde schoolteacher.

“This I believe was made by natives of the islands in the Pacific,” Amanda critically studied the carved chunk of wood. “Hoss did tell me that Ben had traveled pretty much all over the world when he was younger. He started out as a cabin boy and later became first mate on Adam’s grandfather’s ship.”

“Probably made by some girl who was sweet on him as a lucky charm to drive away evil spirits,” Elizabeth frowned at the statue over Mrs. Healey’s shoulder.

“Maybe it’s a self portrait of the native girl herself?” Miss Benson laughed, stacking another box of books on top of the one that she just moved beside a picture of a scowling Oriental woman who the ladies finally had decided was not an old girlfriend but “just had to be one of Hop Sing’s numerous cousins.”

“Maybe it comes with a curse?” Amanda observed tracing the wooden carving features with a dirty finger.

“Are you referring to a colorful expletive or a Cartwright man?” Josey giggled moving a crate full of Christmas decorations on to an empty shelf under one that contained a box labeled Easter.

“Maybe both,” Elizabeth said solemnly placing the tiki down on a nearby trunk. “Not to change the subject, but I guess I’m not,” she sat down on a huge red wooden box marked Pettibone, “What do you think is wrong with Mr. Cartwright any way?”

“You got a couple of days, I’ll be glad to tell you,” Katie giggled and sat down beside her. “Hoss did say something about land his Pa wanted to buy and missing out on it because of the blizzard.”

“I just know that it’s getting really tough to keep up this cheery attitude toward him,” Elizabeth picked up the tiki again and set it on her lap.

“Especially since all he does is grouse and fume and glower and yell,” Katie added. “We’re lucky we hear a ‘thank you’ let alone a ‘please.’”

“Uncle Ben’s generally not like this,” Josey rested her chin on her hands that she folded over the top of her broom handle. “In his defense, I know the land had 400 acres of good pasture and water and he has been planning the trip to bid on it for the last three weeks. He has to be really disappointed about it, to be acting the way he has,” she propped her broom against the wall.

“Still it doesn’t excuse his attitude toward us. We didn’t do anything wrong, except maybe that mishap with Buttercup this morning,” Amanda passed Josey a dustpan to hold for her. “And that was an accident, after all,” she quickly added as Ben’s niece stooped to position the dustpan for her to sweep some debris into it.

“You’re right. It doesn’t excuse his attitude,” Josey picked up the full dustpan and deposited its contents in the trash barrel. “I know he’d be all over my cousins and me if we acted half as bad to guests as he has.”

“I just know if he growls at me one more time, I’m going to break down and cry,” Miss Bailey sounded so sad that Katie and Josey turned to look at her sympathetically thinking that she just might.

“That’s it!” Amanda stopped sweeping, her face lit up and a mischievous gleam came into her blue eyes. “Elizabeth,” she set her broom down next to Miss Cartwright’s. “You just gave me a wonderful idea,” she wiped off her hands on the thighs of Joe’s old brown pants and settled herself down on a trunk opposite Elizabeth and Katie. “How good of actresses are you?”

The three younger women looked at the little schoolteacher and laughed.

“I suppose that’s a dumb question given you three’s escapades,” Amanda also laughed looking from Josey to Katie to Elizabeth and back.

“What’s your plan?” the petite redhead pulled up a straight back chair, straddled it in a very unladylike way and rested her chin in her hands on the top of its back.

“Well, there is some risk involved…” Amanda hesitated.

“He’s mad at us now and on the verge of giving us all ‘necessary talks’ any way,” Elizabeth shot back. “What else are we risking?”

“That he actually will,” Amanda frowned.

“With his bad foot and all?” Miss Bailey raised her eyebrows so they disappeared under one of the boy’s old hats she was wearing to protect her hair.

“He doesn’t use his foot, you know,” Miss Benson giggled.

Josephine cleared her throat. “Based on my years of experience dealing with Uncle Ben, an infirmity does not preclude a necessary talk. It only postpones it until he’s healthy.”

“Maybe we’ll be dug out of here before he’s better,” Elizabeth suggested hopefully.

“Only if it stops snowing right now,” Josey sighed glancing toward the little attic window. “Getting dug out of here will not cancel it, either. He’ll deem it collectable at his will.”

The others turned to stare out of the window too. Heavy snow was still falling. They all sighed this time.

“Well,” Josey slapped her hands on her thighs finally breaking the silence, “We’ve got to do something and we’re all aware of the risk involved, so what do we have to do, Mrs. H.?” she grinned.

Both Elizabeth and Katie enthusiastically nodded their agreement to Josephine’s statement and leaned in toward Amanda.

Amanda smiled and the four little ladies put their heads together to plot the comeuppance that they all thought Benjamin Cartwright so richly deserved.

**********

Hoss took a deep breath and, expertly balancing the tray on one hand like a San Francisco waiter, eased open his father’s bedroom door just enough for him to peek inside. There propped up in bed by at least half dozen pillows behind his head and back lay his very perturbed father. His injured right ankle also was propped up on half a dozen pillows. All dozen pillows and the extra blankets to keep him warm were courtesy of the tender ministrations of the four little ladies “who had invaded his house and peace of mind.” He roared this as Joe and Adam half carried, half dragged him up the stairs to his room while Hoss had a bulldogging competition with Buttercup, the milk cow, who proved to be as graceful on ice as his Pa.

Buttercup was one of the three females who helped to put the eldest Cartwright in his present injured condition and mood that could only be described as dangerous. The others were two pretty little New England ladies, one blonde, one brunette, who “…swore up and down that they knew exactly what they were doing!!!!!” when they volunteered to take on the morning milking duty. Amanda and Elizabeth, however, “…didn’t have a clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!” In the confusion, the crafty bovine escaped from the frigid confines of the barn and began to head toward the warmth of the ranch house. Ben who just happened to be carrying an armful of firewood when the cow slid by him grabbed the animal and began to drag her back to the barn. In the process, Buttercup accidentally put one of her two left feet on Ben’s right foot causing his three sons to step in and rescue their father but not before he slipped and fell on the front porch injuring his “…er…dignity…” in addition to his foot.

After securing Buttercup and making sure that the school teacher and the minister’s daughter were all right, Hoss went into the house to help his brothers wrestle his parent into his nightshirt and robe and into bed. He arrived in just the nick of time. If the truth be told, getting Buttercup into Pa’s nightshirt and robe and into bed would have been a whole lot easier, Hoss decided after Ben was safely ensconced in his room.

Hoss frowned slightly. Ben should have been relaxing but he wasn’t. His arms were folded across his chest and he was actually scowling at the heavily falling snow through the window, almost as if he was trying either to will it to stop or melt it with his furious look. Of course, even if it did stop, he wasn’t going anywhere let alone Reno with his injured foot. Hoss knew that his father really was more upset about not being able to make it to the bidding on the Granger property to the Ponderosa’s northeast than he was with the four little ladies. After all, it was prime grassland but the Ponderosa really could get along without it. As for the ladies, unfortunately they just happen to be the closest thing that Pa could take out his bad humor on. The ladies realized this too and had tried to be accommodating. They had even suggested the three o’clock tea tray he was carrying to break up Ben’s afternoon. Hoss shook his head and looked upward for strength or help or both. “Lord, I don’t ask for much but let me get through this with most of my hide still intact,” he breathed. “The little ladies thought that you might like something warm, Pa,” he grinned cheerfully pushing open the door.

“What I’d like warm is the backsides of two of those little ladies,” Ben growled shifting his scowl from the snow to his middle son. “And that’s not going to happen until I get out of this consarnate bed!!!”

“Come on now, Pa,” Hoss forced a chuckle as he set the tray down on the table beside his father. “It was an accident! Those little gals didn’t hurt you on purpose any more than Buttercup did. Anyway, all four of them feel just plumb terrible that you’re laid up like this,” he grinned again and poured his father a cup of the steaming liquid from the teapot. “In fact, they’re….”

At that moment a C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!! even louder than the one from the other night came from the attic above him and again a loud burst of feminine laughter punctuated the air.

Hoss gulped and smiled weakly at his father whose eyes seemed to get just a little bit darker than they had been.

“I can just hear how plumb terrible they feel!!!!” he bellowed sitting up straight on the bed but winced as he briefly landed a little too hard on a particularly sensitive spot of his rear end.

“….I’ll go see what happened, Pa,” Hoss spun on his heel to investigate but Ben had other ideas.

“…Just wait ‘til I get a hold of them and we’ll really see how plumb terrible they feel!!!!!” Ben pushed his covers to the side. “Help me, Hoss!” he moved his injured foot off the pillows cringing slightly again and was ready to swing it down on the floor beside his other before his son realized his father’s intentions.

“Hold on now, Pa!” Hoss rushed to his parent’s side to restrain him from moving any further. “You can’t go up there and you know it! I’ll take care of whatever’s going on!” he promised repositioning Ben back in bed and pulling the covers up to his father’s chin, taking care not to cover his injured foot.

“Fine!” Ben grudgingly conceded to himself anyway that he was in no shape for a trip up the narrow attic stairs. He angrily pushed the blankets down to his lap to free up his arms again. “Go see what happened but you bring the culprits here so I can deal with them myself!!!!!”

“But, Pa, you can’t….” Hoss shook his head.

“This still works just fine, Eric!” his father held up his right hand palm side facing his offspring and emphasized his point by shaking it. “Do what I say or I’ll try it out on you!!!!! Now get going!!!!!!!”

Hoss looked up at God again hoping he was still with him.

“Yes, sir,” he turned and was gone.

**********

Ben drummed his finger tips impatiently on the side of the teacup he was holding. What was taking Hoss so long? You’d think he was coming from Timbuktu with as long…. He shifted his right leg slightly to alleviate a twinge that was developing in his hip. Then he shifted his behind when that didn’t seem to help much. Ouch, he winced once more coming to rest again on the location that he bruised in the fall on the ice. Sitting on anything hard was not going to be easy for a few days, he decided putting down the cup and rubbing the spot. One thing he always hated was not to be feeling one hundred percent. The other thing he always hated was waiting when he was not feeling one hundred percent. “Hoss!!!!” he bellowed.

“Here they are, Pa,” Hoss said wearily as he led the four women into his father’s bedroom.

All of the ladies had their heads down meekly, their hands clasped behind their back in a defensive posture shielding their rear flanks and extremely anxious looks on their very dirty faces. They all looked like they were on their way to the gallows as they shuffled along and lined up on the right side of his bed: Katie, then Elizabeth, then Amanda and Josey closest to him. The oversized boys’ clothes that they wore were all familiar to Ben -- Joe’s. What’s more, the seat of each and every pair of those pants was already very familiar with the palm of his right hand so they at least wouldn’t be surprised should his hand revisit them.

“Well?????” Ben roared louder than ever before glaring at each of them in turn. “What broke this time?!?!?! ... First the bed, then the crystal punch bowl, then the wood box in the kitchen, then my foot!!!!!!!!!!! … Now what???????? … Well????????????”

The four shifted nervously in place from one foot to another, surreptitiously glanced at each other and started to softly snivel simultaneously.

Ben did not seem to notice. He cleared his throat and crossed his arms over his chest, scowling all the while. “I’m waiting and I can be patient for only so long, you know!” he growled, his voice going into the dangerously quiet mode.

They knew. Again the four surreptitiously glanced at each other. Josey now began to sob a little louder, Elizabeth sniffed back some tears, Katie’s chin began to quiver and Amanda let one tear run down her cheek.

He still didn’t notice. “Now, I want an explanation and I mean right now or, so help me, I’ll turn each of you over my knee and send you to bed without supper!!!!!!!!!!!!” his brown eyes flashed as the volume of his voice set an all-time record.

“Take it easy, Pa!” Hoss advised anticipating what the ladies’ reaction would be to Ben’s roar.

They did not disappoint Hoss. With rivers of tears now streaking down their dirty faces, Katie, Elizabeth, Amanda and Josey turned and ran from the room wailing loudly.

That was the last straw! Hoss just hated to see poor defenseless women cry especially when they had not done anything wrong! He turned to his very agitated father who just opened his mouth to yell while trying again to extricate himself from the bed and completely cut him off in mid-yell and mid-extrication. “I hope you’re proud of yourself, Benjamin William Cartwright!” Hoss put his hands on his hips and glared angrily at Ben. “Making them four sweet little gals cry when you should be thanking them and comforting them! They have been working themselves to a frazzle cooking meals and drying wet clothes for the last few days. And what do you do? You yell at them, you order them around and you threaten them. Those ladies are company, Pa!!!! ”

“Watch your tone, young man,” Ben snapped.

“I’m sorry, Pa, but you’ve got those poor little things so upset, Josey told me they cried themselves to sleep last night,” Hoss folded his arms across his chest and glowered at his parent.

“Cried themselves to sleep, ha!” Ben said sarcastically and rolled his eyes at his son. “Hoss, I…”

“Listen, Pa. Those little gals are feeling the strains of being cooped up with us too just as much as you are with them and maybe they’re even scared. And yet not one of them has complained about anything. On the other hand, you,” Hoss pointed accusingly at Ben, “Have done nothing but complain. You haven’t been particularly kind or even patient with them either. Yelling at them, grousing at them, intimidating them! Sure, your foot hurts and all that and you missed out on the Granger property but I’ve seen you be a lot pleasanter with folks when you’ve been drug through cactus and had two bullets in you!”

Granger property? Ben looked like he had been struck in the face but recovered and continued scowling at his biggest son.

Realizing that he had hit a nerve momentarily with his father, Hoss paused. He just knew he was getting through to him. Nevertheless, he continued with his harangue. “Pa, if Joe or Adam or me acted anything like you’ve been acting these last few days, you would have dragged us off to the barn long before now. And,” he added watching his father grimace as he changed positions in bed, “A sore…er… behind ain’t no excuse either! You told us that enough times over the years! You always made us apologize to the person we weren’t kind to, sore behind or not!”

“How would you like a sore behind, Eric?” Ben said half heartedly.

“Well, sir, if that’s what it takes to get you out of your mood over that blasted piece of dirt so you can start treating people the way you taught us we should, then go ahead,” Hoss came closer to the bed and looked his father straight in the eye. He then sighed. “You know how you tell us we were direct descendents of the most stubborn man in all of New England? Well, so were you,” he touched Ben lightly on the shoulder, then turned back toward the door.

Ben was so shocked he could not speak. All he had to add was ‘young man’ and his middle son would have just done a perfect imitation of him.

“Now,” Hoss put his hand on the doorknob, “I’m going to get those poor little gals so you can apologize and you better be nice to them or else!!!!”

Again the only thing missing from Hoss’s statement was the ‘young man’ part.

“I just hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive you.” Hoss then left closing the door behind him.

**********

When he was on the other side of Ben’s door, Hoss took a deep breath. Thanks, Lord! Just hang in there with me a little longer ‘til I get through this…oh and yes, I’m sorry about the Fifth Commandment and all but I don’t think you meant for it to apply when your Pa’s acting like a spoiled three year old. That said, Hoss turn to retrieve the ‘poor little gals.’ He reasoned that they had run off to the attic to hide after their very upsetting encounter with his grouchy parent. He sighed as he reached the bottom of the attic stairs. Where was his little brother when he needed him? Oh, yeah… In the barn with brother Adam for the last two hours hiding out from the ladies and the rest of their attic cleaning. Well, the attic wasn’t meant for someone of his size but if he had to go up there again…, he paused halfway up the steps when instead of sobbing he heard soft giggling and laughing and talking in very conspiratorial tones. Silently he tiptoed up the remaining stairs to listen.

“…Send us to bed without supper?” Real tears were rolling down Elizabeth’s cheeks as she laughed. “How ridiculous is that? Who do you imagine was going to cook for him if he sent us to bed without supper? Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.”

“And speaking of faces, the look on Hoss’s face…well…” Josey snickered. “It was absolutely priceless.”

“How did you ever guess that us bawling our eyes out would work?” Katie was in awe of the petite schoolteacher.

“My first run-in with Ben,” Mrs. Healey giggled shaking her head remembering the incident. “I pretended to cry and it stopped him until I made the mistake of kicking him in the shins. That’s why I said there was some risk involved. He could have remembered that I did that.”

“How long do we have to wait up here, Mrs. H.?” Elizabeth had recovered from her fit of laughter, dried her eyes on one of Adam’s old blue handkerchiefs and nudged the schoolteacher gently with her elbow.

“Be patient, sweetheart,” Amanda stood up to stretch. “He should be sending someone for us soon so he can apologize. We, of course, will accept graciously.”

“I hope you’re right,” Elizabeth frowned up at her. “I don’t think I need a necessary talk from him.”

“What do you think about a necessary talk from me, missy?” Hoss’s large form filled up the narrow doorway. His arms were crossed over his massive chest and he was glaring at the four of them just like his father would had he climbed the steps and heard them. ”And you better believe I could put all four of you over my knee at once so let’s not try any of your little tricks on me.”

All four immediately jumped to their feet and put some distance between themselves and the big man.

“Er…hi, Hoss,” Katie stammered smiling sweetly at him. “Are you and Joe and Adam back to take care of the rest of the little critters?”

“Just me and you four are the only little critters I’m aiming to take care of,” he began to slowly roll up his right sleeve, frowning at her all the while.

“How much did you hear, Eric?” Mrs. Healey inquired trying to regain control over the situation.

“Purt near all of it. What broke anyway?” he patiently continued with his other sleeve.

“Oh, nothing really, Hoss. We just dropped this tub full of old broken window panes,” Josey gestured with her foot toward the metal container. “Accidentally on purpose,” she quickly added when he sent her an inquisitive look.

“I see,” Hoss folded his arms across his chest again. “You probably didn’t cry yourselves to sleep either,” he eyed them suspiciously.

The ladies looked at each other. The jig was up. Simultaneously they decided that throwing themselves on Hoss’s mercy was their only out.

“Please don’t tell Uncle Ben, Hoss,” Josey was the only one who felt secure enough in her relationship with her cousin to approach him. Still she wasn’t going to not protect her backside from his threat and was real sure to keep her hands properly positioned over it just in case. “But we just couldn’t take any more of his growling. Blessed are they who suffer persecution, you know, Hoss,” she smiled angelically at him.

Hoss studied her face critically for signs of deception. “Isn’t that lying, Josey?”

“More like fibbing and it got him out of his foul mood, didn’t it?” the petite redhead straightened and, forgetting about defending her rear flanks, crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t see any pieces missing from your hide – large as it is – so it must have worked especially if he sent you up here to retrieve us for…maybe an apology?” she looked hopefully at her cousin. “… Of course,” her eyes suddenly lit up as something occurred to her, “I’m sure Uncle Ben would be very interested in how you came about your information concerning our plans. How was it again that you knew what we did, Cous?”

“I stood outside and listened I told you,” Hoss said smugly.

“Isn’t eavesdropping one of your father’s seven deadly sins, dear?” Amanda smiled moving beside Josephine.

The expression on Hoss’s face changed instantly from one of triumph to one of tragedy. He gulped as he realized they had him.

“Just don’t tell on us, Hoss, and we won’t tell on you,” Katie urged nodding her head emphatically up and down.

“Then nobody will get in trouble with Uncle Ben,” Josey also nodded as did Elizabeth and Amanda.

“Oh, Lordy, Lordy,” Hoss sank down on the attic’s threshold and buried his head in his hands. Oh, why did he have to say those things to his father? he thought moaning.

All four of the little ladies were a bit taken aback by his reaction, looked at each other and then and looked at the big man with concern.

“Come on, Hoss, everything will be just fine,” the petite redhead moved to put her hand on his shoulder to reassure him. “Just don’t tell him, please?”

“Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise, Proverbs 17: 28,” the minister’s daughter reminded him.

“Pa knows one from Proverbs, too,” Hoss turned to look at the other ladies. “A foolish son is a grief to his father. Proverbs 17: 25.”

“Shakespeare said that even the devil can cite scripture for his own purposes, Eric,” Amanda smiled at Hoss in a supportive way.

“He also said give the devil his due, Mrs. Healey,” Hoss sighed at the petite blonde schoolteacher.

“Hoss, just leave the devil to us. We can handle him,” Josephine smirked at her off-handed reference to her uncle, hugging her biggest cousin from behind. “Think of it as David and Goliath and we’re David.”

“Hmmm,” Hoss thought looking at Josey and then at all the others. He sighed deeply and then holding on to both of his cousin’s hands, he stood up hauling a surprised Josey up with him. “I’m thinking more like the walls of Jericho and I’m the walls. Let’s go see the devil!” He made sure that she had a firm grasp around his neck, then grabbed one of her ankles in each hand and carried her back down the stairs piggyback style toward his father’s room while Amanda, Elizabeth and Katie trailed along behind.

**********

In the meantime, Ben had been doing his own thinking about his attitude while Hoss had gone to retrieve the ‘poor little gals.’ He hated to admit it but his middle son was absolutely right: he had been pleasanter with folks when he had been drug through cactus and had two bullets in him. It just wasn’t like him at all to act this way and all over a “blasted piece of dirt.” Someone really should drag you out to the barn, he changed his sitting position again in bed and, as luck would have it, landed once more on the injured area of his backside. He winced and then smiled looking up to heaven. I’m beginning to think, Lord, that my falling on the ice was not so accidental, he rubbed the spot thoughtfully. Could it be that you’ve already taken care of dragging me out to the barn?

Before God could respond to him, Ben’s bedroom door slowly opened and Hoss entered, the four little ladies following after him. Ben held his breath as he watched them each eyeing him cautiously as they filed in again. It was as if they were afraid of him. Even his niece gave him a wide berth. Was I that much of an ogre to them all that they can’t even smile at me? Ben took a deep breath and began again more softly this time. “I’m happy that you all came back. I was beginning to worry that the four prettiest girls in Nevada were never going to want to talk to me again, let alone be in the same room with me,” he smiled slightly and examined their faces closely to see their reactions.

The ladies still appeared to be somewhat skeptical of him, especially since dressed in Joe’s old clothes with their hair in disarray and attic dirt on their faces and hands, they weren’t sure they were the four prettiest anything in the room let alone the ‘four prettiest girls in Nevada.’

Ben looked over their heads to his son, his dark brown eyes pleading for assistance.

“You know, it’s just lucky, Pa, that none of these little gals got hurt up in the attic. It seems that they were trying to move an old metal washtub full of broken window panes and they dropped it.” Hoss thought he’d provide this information to his father in the hopes that it would speed his apology along. He decided to leave out the “accidentally on purpose” part.

“Well,” Ben smiled again at them and reached out to take Josey’s hand, “You ladies really shouldn’t be up there cleaning. You are guests in this house, after all.”

Josey warily looked at her uncle, then his outstretched hand. Is he up to something? She sighed, put her hand in her uncle’s and returned his smile.

“I appreciate all of your efforts, however,” Ben continued squeezing her hand warmly then released it. “You could probably tell from the shape of the attic that we men are not really the greatest of housekeepers,” he laughed softly.

“That’s for sure,” Katie mumbled under her breath and rolled her eyes.

The other ladies giggled melodiously and Hoss howled as did Ben, much to the relief of everyone else. His mood definitely seemed to have improved.

The tension broken, Ben plowed ahead. “Anyway, I really am sorry about the way I’ve been acting, Josey, Katie, Elizabeth, Amanda. I have been downright rude and nasty to you. I promise from now on I will treat you the way I taught my sons to treat others, with kindness, patience and understanding.”

“No more yelling?” Elizabeth blinked her green eyes.

“No more yelling,” Ben said solemnly and crossed his heart. “Unless…”

“Unless?” Hoss and the girls looked at him, anticipating the worst.

“Unless,” Ben’s eyes twinkled mischievously, “You ladies don’t tell me I’m forgiven.” He adopted a poor puppy dog face that would have made his youngest proud.

The women’s expressions softened and Hoss once again knew where Little Joe got his boyish charm.

“Of course, we forgive you, Uncle Ben,” Josey leaned forward and planted a kiss on her uncle’s cheek.

Ben smiled at her, grabbed her and hugged her tightly to him. “Still works, boy!” he held up his right hand directing his comments to Hoss who gulped a quick, “Yes, sir.” Ben, however, released his niece without demonstrating that it still did. “You know, Hoss, I think you and your brothers should get some hot water ready so the prettiest girls in Nevada could be even prettier,” he chuckled as the giggling Katie and Liz quickly bestowed a kiss on his right cheek and left cheek respectively at the same time and then jumped back out of his reach just in case. “Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all.”

“I’ll go get Adam and Joe and we’ll get on it right away, Pa,” Hoss grinned from ear to ear and started to the door, immensely relieved to be departing from his father’s room he hoped without him being in any more hot water himself.

“And decide which one of you three is going to cook dinner because the ladies are our guests and we’ve imposed on their good nature long enough,” Ben added stopping Hoss dead in his tracks.

Oh, no. Hoss groaned to himself.

The expression of anguish on Hoss’s face caused the petite school teacher to speak up. “I think we ladies would rather do the cooking. It’s safer,” Amanda moved to add her own kiss to his cheek but was shocked when Ben quickly shifted his head so that hers landed on his lips. “Devil,” she whispered softly, then straightened herself up. “Oh, and, Mr. Cartwright,” Mrs. Healey turned back, a blush from their kiss still on her face. “We promise we’ll try to be quieter and not to irritate you,” she vowed. “Right, ladies?”

The other three nodded and the four scooted off past Hoss to clean up and fix dinner.

“You know, I could get use to having them all under foot,” Ben told Hoss smiling broadly, then quickly added, “Er…some time in the future, that is when I’ve got two good feet,” as both he and Hoss looked at his injured right extremity.

Father and son shared a laugh but father’s ended in a yawn.

“I think you better get some rest, Pa,” his middle son picked up the tea tray from the night table and balanced it on the palm of his right hand.

“I intend to,” Ben yawned again. “And, Hoss?”

“Yes, Pa?” Hoss turned to look at his parent.

“Blessed are the peacemakers,” Ben smiled at his middle son proudly.

Hoss smiled back and hefted the tray a little higher in the air. “We’ll bring dinner up to you in a bit.”

“Fine,” Ben rolled slightly over on his side, closed his eyes and began to drift off to sleep.

Hoss quietly moved to the door balancing the heavy tray on one hand as he did before and was just about ready to open it when….

C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!!

His father sat bolt up right in bed landing on his sore behind once more, shifted his weight and glared at him ferociously. “Eric…” Ben growled. To his credit, he did not yell.

The walls of Jericho, Hoss thought. “Sorry, Pa. I’ll clean this mess up right away, I promise,” he bent over to pick up the pieces of the red patterned tea cup. “And, Pa?” he cautiously looked at his father from his bent over position.

“Yes?” Ben continued to glower at him.

“Blessed are the merciful,” Hoss himself tried the poor little puppy dog face.

Ben’s expression softened in the same way that the ladies did when he used the poor little puppy dog face. “That they are, Hoss,” he sighed deeply and then yawned. “That they are,” he rolled over again and closed his eyes, hoping that he would not hear another C-R-A-S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!! for the duration of the snowstorm. And luckily for everyone’s sake, he didn’t -- although Buttercup escaped again but that’s another story.

*Many thanks to David Dortort for his creation of Bonanza in general and the Cartwrights, Hop Sing and the Ponderosa in particular. The author does not claim ownership of any of the aforementioned characters. This story is not intended to infringe on any known copyrights. The author gratefully acknowledges the work of William Shakespeare, Ward Hawkins (“The Infernal Machine,” Season 2), Frank Cleaver (“Love Me Not,” Season 5), Lewis Clay (“A Pink Cloud Comes From Old Cathay,” Season 5), Blair Roberts (“The Ponderosa Birdman,” Season 6) and Frank Cleaver (“The Flapjack Contest,” Season 6) for certain elements used in this story. Josephine Marie Cartwright © December, 2004, Susan Kathryn ‘Katie’ MacHaynes Benson © January, 2005, Amanda Jackson Healey © December, 2004, and Elizabeth “Muchtoo Wellbred” Anne Bailey © April, 2005 are copyrighted characters belonging to the author. ALL INTERNATIONAL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED.

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