A CRY FOR LOVE

“Pa? Pa, sixteen year old Hoss Cartwright called out as he entered the large ranch house.

He came around the corner to find Adam and his father engrossed in a discussion about the ranch. He politely waited to the side with his hands in his pockets. Adam was bent over the desk and hadn’t even noticed his arrival, and Pa was intently listening to his eldest son.

Hoss came a little closer to the desk. “Pa?” he said again.

Ben looked up, “yes Hoss, what is it ?”

“Ya know that rabbit I was tendin...well guess what...he’s all better, I went out there this mornin
and he was sittin’ up eatin’ just fine.”

Ben had looked down again, and was continuing to study the diagram Adam was explaining.

“Pa? Did you hear me Pa?”

“What...yes son, that is good son, keep up the good work...” Ben replied. But Hoss knew his father had not heard him, or simply had no interest in what he was saying.

Feeling dejected, Hoss left the house and went to the barn, the day was brisk and cool, but he mounted up Chubb, and rode off. He knew what his father and brother were discussing was probably more important than one of his sick animals, but sometimes he wished they would show at least some interest. It was always the same, Little Joe was so cute, cuddly and everything he said was funny or sweet. Adam was so smart, and knew so much, he could carry on a conversation with anyone, and so handsome, women swoomed over him every where they went. And from the looks of things Little Joe was going to have the same magnetism.
Pa was so proud of Adam he was his second hand man around the ranch, and they worked well together. Although he didn’t want to admit it, Hoss didn’t understand a lot of the engineering part of running the ranch or the paper work, he stayed quiet during these discussions, knowing it was best he just listen.
The feelings had been building lately and today he felt left out and not needed, Little Joe would be home from school soon, and would climb into Pa’s lap for a cuddle. Today he didn’t think he could witness it without feeling like crying. The large boy had been watching his little brother being cuddled for years, secretly wishing he was small enough for some of that love. If Joe wasn’t being smothered in kisses, he was being tossed in the air or tickled while enjoying some play wrestling. Even Adam was often on the receiving end of some type of affection from Ben. Pa could easily wrap both his arms around either of his brothers and hug them, or hold them when he wanted to. He felt joy at watching the love in his family, but there was a large part of him that was screaming for someone to hold him the same way. He kept it all inside, and showed his family only the happy go-lucky Hoss they all knew, and accepted. They thought he ate cause he was hungry, and it was an ongoing joke, that he couldn’t be filled up. But he knew he ate to cover up the hurt that was eating him inside far worse than any hunger pain would ever do.

Hoss had made it to his special spot by the lake, a large rock nearby acted as a back support, as he sat down and leaned up against it. He let his thoughts continue.....‘Adam had a college degree,’ how many times had he heard Pa say that to guests. ‘And Little Joe, that boy is going to be a ladies man, he’s already a fair horse rider, just full of talent.’
There wasn’t much Pa could say about him, he understood, I am the throwback of the family he decided. Not much good for anything but hard labor, and a good fist fight. Wow, that’s sure something to be proud of. He could hear Pa saying it, ‘that Hoss sure did good in that fight last night, knocked three guys out.’ He rolled his eyes at the thought.

Hoss stared out at the glistening lake. Sure is pretty, he thought when I come here I can really relax, don’t have to listen to Adam talking about some high polutin’ event and don’t have to watch Little Joe being babied in Pa’s arms.

He thought of the future, more than likely Adam and Joe would be married and have children long before he even found someone to be serious with. I’ll probably be living here by myself, aint’ no one gonna want an ugly thing like me. I should just stay here, they probably won’t even miss me, that is until they needed something lifted.

Yes he was feeling sorry for himself, for he long ago stopped competing with his brothers. And it was times like these when he felt he had to let go of those feelings, he couldn’t let anyone see how much he was hurting. That’s when he wanted to be alone. His gaze was now on the shore line, and when he lifted his head unshed tears made their escape from his eyes and flowed down his cheeks. He made no attempt to stop them, as more would just take their place.

‘Why do I have to be so different, I just want Pa to be proud of me too. I do nothin’ important, so what’s there to be proud of anyway. Just big ole dumb Hoss.’ He knew his thoughts didn’t make much sense, but he didn’t care, they were his thoughts, and they made sense to him, and that’s all that mattered.

Hoss laid his head down on the sandy beach and promptly fell asleep, the sound of birds and the water trickling lulled him into a deep sleep. His cheeks still moist from tears, collected pebbles of sand on them.

*********

Ben walked out onto the front porch, ‘were is that boy he thought.’ Well he couldn’t let Adam and Little Joe wait any longer for their supper, Hoss would have to eat later. Ben made it clear that they were all to eat together, especially for supper, so he wasn’t impressed that his middle son had not made it home on time.

“Adam, what did you send Hoss to do today?”

“Uhh, nothing Pa, just had to finish some chores around here.”

“Didn’t say anything to you, about where he was going?” Ben asked.

“Not to me Pa,”

“Well he better get home soon, getting dark outside.” Bens stated.

******

Ben leaned forward and kissed Joe’s cheek, “good night son, sleep well.”

“Night Pa,” Little Joe replied.

Ben wandered out again onto the front porch, and let his eyes gaze out. His missing son was no where in site.

“Not home yet huh Pa, want me to go looking for him?” Adam asked from behind him.

“Adam, when he was talking to us today while we were reviewing those plans do you remember what he said?”

“Uhh no Pa, I don’t,”

“Me either, I’ve been trying to remember all day.”

“He’ll be back by morning Pa, don’t worry, Hoss can take care of himself, he’s tough.” Adam told him.

Ben turned and studied his eldest son, “Adam he’s sixteen, just a boy, he may be big, but he’s not even shaving yet.
Adam scratched his head, “yeah your right Pa, sometimes it’s easy to forget that, he’s almost bigger than me now.”

Ben took a deep breath, he wished he’d paid more attention to the boy when he came and tried to talk this afternoon.

********

Hoss shivered and rolled onto his back, he suddenly woke and sat up, it was pitch dark, and he frantically looked around for Chubb. The only light was from the moon, and that was mostly covered by clouds.

He leaned his back up against the large boulder and wrapped his arms around him, rubbing his upper arms vigoursly. He’d have to wait it out till morning, which suited him fine anyway. Pa would probably be mad, he might even get a tanning. Second thought, he could live here, build himself a house, live off the land, he didn’t need anyone. Third thought, he couldn’t do it without any tools, strong as he was, he couldn’t pull a tree out of the ground, and he had nothing to hunt with.

He laid his head back and watched the sun rise against the water, the colors were spectacular, and he enjoyed the view. He just wasn’t looking forward to going home, he knew he was in big trouble, and Pa probably wouldn’t by the fact that he fell asleep.

**********

“Come on Little Joe eat your breakfast.” Adam told his baby brother.

“I want Pa, where’s Pa?” Joe cried out.

Little Joe didn’t like it when his Pa wasn’t at the breakfast table, he knew that he wasn’t on any trip. He was used to a solid routine, and when that routine was disrupted it scared him.

“It’s okay Little Joe, Pa has just gone to bring Hoss home, don’t you worry, they will be back soon.”

“Where did Hoss go?” Joe asked

“Not sure, but Pa will find him. Now eat up, and you can come help me today till they get back ok?”

That cheered Little Joe up, and he promptly finished his breakfast.

************

Ben intended to check a few places he thought his middle son would go, and when he came along the last one, he was relieved to find Chubb pleasantly grazing on some grass near by. He dismounted and made his way to the shore line.

It was obvious Hoss had not heard him, for his eyes were shut and his head was resting against the rock, a small snore could be heard. As Ben approached concern over took him, when he noticed the dried tear stains on his boys face. Something was wrong, and he didn’t listen yesterday when Hoss had tried to tell him. Any anger Ben felt quickly subsided and a twang of guilt ran through him, his son was hurting and had come to him, and he wasn’t there for him.

“Hoss, son,” Ben said as he placed a hand on his shoulder.

The boy startled awake, “Pa, uhhh, Pa... I can explain Pa...ummm”

“Son, son, it’s okay, I was worried, but I can see your okay now. What made you stay out here all night.?”

“I fell asleep Pa, didn’t wake till it was near mornin’ I’m sorry I worried ya.”

“Sit down son,” Ben said. While sitting himself on the sandy shore.

Surprised Hoss sat back down. “Yeah Pa?”

He was surprised when his father reached a hand over and gently brushed some of the sand from his face.

“What’s wrong son?”

“Nothin’ Pa, just felt like bein’ alone is all.”

“Well I don’t think that is the truth Hoss, why don’t you tell your Pa what’s on your mind.”

“Don’t we have chores that need doin’?

“That can wait, your more important, now let’s talk.”

*********

Father and son rested their backs against the large boulder and stared out over the large lake together.

Hoss thought to himself, he never really talked to Pa before about this, and he wasn’t sure he could.
“Pa it’s really stupid and nothin’ to worry about, let’s go on home.” Hoss decided as he couldn’t put in to words how he felt.

“Why don’t you let me decide that son?” Ben replied, “now come on you can tell me anything.”

“Sure I won’t make you mad?” Hoss asked nervously.

“I’m sure son, you’ll feel better if you tell me, now come on. Let’s hear it.”

“Okay, Pa, it’s like well sometimes I get to feelin’ a little sorry for myself, I don’t mean to, it just kinda happens.”

“You came to me yesterday and tried to talk, does this have something to do with that?” Ben asked, as he placed an arm around his boy.

“Well sorta, it’s just that having brothers like Joe and Adam, sometimes I wonder where I fit in. Adam’s so smart with a college degree and all. Joe is so darn cute, everyone loves him.”

“I see,” Ben replied.

“I told you it was stupid Pa.”

Ben tightened his arm around his middle son. “It’s not stupid if you are feeling it son, everyone wonders from time to time where they fit in, what you are experiencing is normal for a sixteen year old.

Hoss hung his head and then shook it back and forth. “No that’s just part of it Pa, sometimes I feel you love Joe and Adam more, I’m too big to love, I can’t sit on your knee.... or even get hugged fully...I’m...just...too...big.” With the admittance of his emotions tears trailed down his face, and dropped to the boys shirt.

Ben was taken back by the words, he had no idea his son was feeling ‘unloved.’ Guilt ran through him, and he felt his eyes also moisten with unshed tears. He pulled Hoss’s head down to rest on his shoulder, taking a deep breath, Ben regained his composure.

“Okay boy, you listen and you listen good. I love you more than words could ever say, I have loved you from the first moment I saw you, and held you in my arms. You are my son, and I am so proud of you, as would your mother be if she was here. The love you show your brothers and me warms my heart every day.” Ben’s voice broke near the end.
“ I ‘m so sorry you are feeling this way.”

“I’m sorry Pa, I...I know you love me...like I said I just get to thinkin’ wrong I guess. Little Joe is so easy to cuddle and...I feel left out...”

For a second time Ben was shocked, he didn’t realize how much Hoss was feeling the need for physical comfort. He thought back quickly, yes, every day Joe sat in his lap, and he either played or talked with him, while often giving him hugs and kisses. Occasionally Adam and he hugged, but he didn’t realize the effect it was having on his middle child. Ben hated to admit it to himself, but he couldn’t remember the last time he had held Hoss or hugged him for that matter.

Well he planned to put a stop to that right now. He had pulled his sons head to rest on his shoulder, but now he reached over and lifted his legs and lower body to rest in between his own legs.

“Listen to me son, your not that big that I can’t still hold you in my lap.” Ben wrapped both his arms around his son, and kissed the top of his head. With his own emotions so close to the surface, he found it hard to talk, especially when he heard the small sobs coming from his middle child.

“I’m so sorry if I haven’t hugged you enough, I love you no less than your brothers, each of you will always have a special place in my heart.” he said. Ben kept one hand on his sons head, while running his fingers through his hair with the other.

“You have so much to be proud of, you are a loving son and brother, and being big and strong is an excellent quality to have on a ranch, and you know something?” Ben asked.

“What?” Hoss sniffed against his fathers chest.

“Women like that in a man!”

The teenager looked up at his father, “they do?”

“Ben nodded, “they sure do, in fact many women look for a large strong man to look after them, give them strong sons.”

Hoss rubbed his face, “your not just sayin’ that are ya Pa?”

Ben laughed a little, “no son, I’m not just saying that.”

Sighing Hoss leaned closer to his Pa, enjoying the physical contact.

“I love you to Pa, I’m sorry about this.”

“I’m the one who is sorry Hoss, and I will make sure you get just as much love as Little Joe.”

Hoss thought a moment, “well I don’t need quite that much cuddling Pa, it’s just....”

The boy never finished his sentence as Ben had gathered him in his arms tightly, and was now smothering his neck with kisses, tickling at the same time.

“What’s that son, did you say you didn’t want this much cuddling?” Ben asked, as he continued with the overabundance of affection.

He had his child laughing so hard he couldn’t reply.

“Well,” in between laughs, “not this much... Pa.” Hoss managed to get out in between his giggles.

“Too bad son,” Ben replied, “from now on your going to get this every day.”

“Awww Pa,” Hoss replied as his father began tickling him under his arms and around his ribs.

Father and son headed home shortly after, both feeling better as they had expressed their love for each other in words and touch.

Ben vowed to keep the affection going to all his sons, no matter how old or how big they got !

The End

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