A Premature Birth
by Lyn Robinson

Monday started of just as any other day, the children were up early but Adam left Carole to cope while he made a start on the work which was beginning to pile up adding to that left over from the previous day. Joe looked in to see if they wanted anything from town. He was taking Nita in with him, partly for the company and partly as a screen against his activities. Carole asked Nita to collect some thread for her but otherwise they were okay. Sue had been in two minds whether to join them; she did have a list of things she needed but decided just to give them a note of the most urgent. She would wait and get Hoss to take her in once he came home, let Joe and Nita have some time alone. That was a decision Adam came to thank God for but as he saw his brother off, with just a reminder to be careful, he had no premonition of what the day would bring.

Mid-morning Adam joined Carole and Sue for coffee and everything seemed fine but it was just after he’d gone back to the study that Carole got the first twinges of pain. It passed quickly and she ignored it. The later stages of her pregnancy this time had been beset with odd aches and pains, unlike the twins or Marie and she had found the best way was just to ignore them. Five minutes later the pain was back, the all too familiar pains of early labour and after another hour when the pains were coming regularly about every four minutes, Carole decided she had better at least tell Sue. It was fully six weeks too early and she had more reason than anyone to be sure of her dates, she couldn’t be wrong but babies did come early. Sue had been watching her anyway and it wasn’t any great surprise when Carole said, very quietly so as not to disturb Adam, “I think the baby may be early.”

Sue called Kam Su to look after the children and she went upstairs with Carole. Sue had done her share of deliveries as a nurse and it didn’t take a minute to confirm Carole’s guess as the next pain caught her. What worried Sue was that as far as she could tell the baby was going to be a breach birth, all too frequent a condition with premature babies who hadn’t yet turned into the normal birth position and moved down. Sue said “We’d better send for Doc.”
“Might be a false alarm, it’s very early.”
“Six weeks, the baby will be quite well grown, stands an excellent chance, but for Adam’s sake if nothing else we ought to send for Doc. You know better than I do how worried he gets about you and he’s still not strong.” Sue did her very best to hide her concern and cheer Carole up, seeing the fear for the baby that Carole couldn’t hide.

Before Carole could answer Adam came in, he had sensed that something was wrong and come to investigate. He didn’t need telling one look at Carole’s face made it very clear. Adam lost colour but he was quite calm. “Go and get Pak Tsein to go to town for Doc. As soon as he’s seen Doc tell him to find Joe and Nita, get then back, and Sue send Kam Ling over to Hop Sing. Tell Hop Sing to send word to Hoss, I want him here and then to come over himself.”

Sue nodded, “Try not to worry either of you; the baby is big enough to stand an excellent chance.” Then Sue hurried out to do as she was asked, to get Doc for Carole and to get his brothers to help Adam, well aware how much he relied on them. It was a pity that Joe had gone to town but she was very glad that she hadn’t, although there was little she or anyone could do. She feared it was going to be a long job, knowing that Carole always had slight difficulty due to her build and the complication of a breech birth was bound to make it worse. The one consolation was that this wasn’t Carole’s first child. That thought made her tense in fear for herself and her baby and the child as though protesting kicked fiercely. Sue deliberately relaxed, with everyone else out Adam and Carole needed her help and she loved them and wasn’t about to let them down. It didn’t take long to get the two young Chinese men on their errands and Sue stood for a moment looking over towards the west shore, knowing how long it would take Hoss to get home. She was touched that Adam wanting her big husband and scared that he might need Hoss’ support badly before this was over and then she headed back in to do anything that she could.

Adam had fought and gained control of himself. Sue was right the baby had a chance and it was his job now to help Carole and make it as easy as possible for her. Carole wasn’t at all worried about herself, her fears were equally divided between the baby coming too soon and her husband, too weak for this especially in the absence of his father and brothers. Adam did his best to convince her that he was fine and everything was going to be alright but she was too aware of the fear in his eyes and his pallor which he couldn’t hide. Both of them were glad as Sue put her head round the door and Adam told her to come in. Sue smiled “All messages sent. Doc, Joe and Nita should be here in a couple of hours or so and Hoss will be on his way soon. Kam Su is looking after the children and Hop Sing and Kam Ling will be here too, so the children will be fine.”

“Thanks Sue, could you get some coffee?” Carole asked, “And maybe the brandy.”

Adam shook his head, “Not good for you and I don’t want any.”

“Are you sure darling, you look very pale?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me. We’ve been through this before and I know you’ll be fine.” Adam smiled, “I could do with some coffee.” He fought hard to hide his fear and to remain cheerful and Carole relaxed a little. The pains were a little worse but she had been through it before and she knew what to expect, between pains she talked quietly to Adam. Hop Sing brought up coffee and confirmed that Hoss was starting back immediately, Jess could cope and he was quite prepared to finish up for them.

Adam was glad to hear that his big brother was on his way home but he knew it was going to take a long time and he prayed that it would all be over with Carole and the baby fit and well by the time Hoss arrived. At least Joe should be back soon, he wanted his brothers more than he could explain, weaker than he liked to admit.

Doc was at home and receiving Sue’s note with word of a breech birth, he quickly collected what he would need while Pak Tsien harnessed up the buggy for him. Doc was the only outsider to have any real conception just how much this baby meant to Adam and Carole and how much Adam had been through in recent weeks, the worries Carole had had. He knew that he might have to consider a Caesarean birth but with such a premature baby he really didn’t want to. Worried for his old friends, knowing that Ben was away, Doc set out as fast as he could and only then was Pal Tsien free to go and look for Joe and Nita. He was in luck Joe had spent a busy morning getting the purchase of shares started very quietly and he had headed back to collect Nita from the dressmakers where they had agreed to meet. Pak Tsien saw his master and hurried across the street to join him. Joe was about to go in when he saw his houseman and his heart seemed to stop dead. Nita was the first to reach his side, seeing the near panic on his face “Whatever’s wrong Joe?”

Only the dressmaker Elizabeth Bowen, an old friend, was there and seeing the look on Joe’s face she turned the sign on the door to 'Closed' as Pak Tsien came in. Joe couldn’t find his voice, certain it meant trouble but the little Chinaman didn’t keep him in suspense, “Mrs Sue sent me, fetch Doc. Mrs Carole’s baby coming early. Mr Adam wants you.”

Joe knowing too well how weak Adam was and the state he got into over childbirth cursed the fact that he’d come to town, his brother needed him and it would take all too long to get home. Nita gripped his arm, “At least Sue is there, she’ll help. She’s a nurse.”

“Sure, but Adam’s not well enough. Doc?”

Pak Tsien nodded “He gone already.”

Joe straightened his shoulders, “Good, come on Nita we must get home.”

She kissed him “Pak Tsien can come with me in the buggy. You take his horse you’ll make better time.”

Joe hesitated, uncertain, she was pregnant too and he didn’t like her to be alone. Mrs Bowen had fetched some brandy and poured him one. “Here Little Joe have a drink.”

Joe was grateful for the drink but he didn’t seem able to think clearly. Nita smiled “I’m fine darling and Adam needs you more than I do. You can get back faster alone.”

Joe was torn but he knew how weak Adam still was and he decided he could trust Pak Tsien, “Alright sweetheart but be very careful, come straight home. I’ll send someone out to meet you.”

“I’ll be fine, you go help Adam.”

Joe kissed her and quickly checking where Pak Tsien had left his horse, Joe pushed through the crowds, oblivious of everyone only wanting to get home. There wouldn’t be anything he could do for Carole or the baby but pray, maybe he could help his brother and with his father in San Francisco and Hoss on the west shore, for a while he was the only one who might help. As he pushed through to the Ponderosa horse Dan saw him and came over, seeing the fear etched deep in Joe’s eyes he asked “What’s wrong?”

“Carole’s baby is coming early I have to get home try and help Adam.”

“Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to send word to your father?”

“No point in worrying him but....”

“Anything Joe.”

“Nita is in town. Pak Tsien is with her but she’s pregnant too and I can’t help worrying. Would you bring her out to the house, I’ll send someone out to meet you and take over.”

“Of course Joe, no problem.”

“Thanks Dan,” Joe managed a smile “It would ease my mind. She’s over at the dressmakers.”

“Go on Joe I’ll look after your wife and I’ll be praying for Carole and Adam. Doc will see to everything.” Joe swung up and easier in his mind about his wife he pushed hard not waiting for anyone and woe betide anyone who got in his way. He made the best possible time, eager to get home, very conscious of his brother’s fears.

Adam found it very hard to keep calm without any of his family and the baby coming so early. Scared more for the baby than for Carole and somehow not even able to pray. He was tormented by memories of the previous autumn when he’d feared that this child would never be conceived. He did his very best to hide his feelings from Carole but she knew him too well and she was more anxious for Joe’s arrival for Adam rather than Doc’s. So far Sue hadn’t told either of them that the baby was lying wrong, leaving that until Doc was there but both loved her and knew the tall redhead very well. They had come to rely heavily on her and first Carole and then Adam saw the worry she was trying to hide, but neither commented hoping to hide it from each other. The time seemed to pass so very slowly and the pains quickened a little. Adam tensed up and he was more aware of his injuries than he’d been in weeks. He was on edge waiting for Doc to arrive and almost equally for Joe but it seemed to take forever. Carole was getting more conscious of the pain but she did her best to hide it, Adam was already looking drawn. She assumed that Sue was just worried that the baby was too early, too immature. She had borne three children and wasn’t too scared by the actual labour. She just wanted Doc and Joe to get there, for her husband even more than for herself.
In fact the two arrived together, Joe had caught Doc up about a quarter of a mile from the house. Doc had made good time, his light buggy little slower than horseback given a decent road. Joe would have gone on but Doc was glad of the chance to speak to him and Joe was the first one to hear that it wasn’t going to be a straightforward birth. Doc said that it wasn’t at all uncommon with babies this premature and at least Carole had had other children, but with her build it was likely to prove a long hard labour.

Joe bit his lip losing colour and Doc warned him, “Get a grip on yourself Joe. It’s unfortunate but Carole is strong and she’s a fighter. It’s a pity Adam could have done with the extra weeks to build up his own strength, I know what a state he gets into and I’d hoped for his sake that it would be over fast. He’s going to need your help Joe. Where’s Hoss?”

“Far side of Tahoe. He’ll be on his way back but it’s a day’s ride even now with the road.”

“Adam is going to need you maybe more than he ever has, so get a hold on yourself.” Doc ordered sternly.

Joe knew that Paul was right and he stayed by the buggy taking a few minutes to get back in control, determined to help his brother and Carole. As they rode in Kam Su came out to take care of the horses and Joe followed Doc upstairs where Adam opened the bedroom door, he’d seen them from the window. He was very solemn and already looked drawn but he was reasonably calm. “Sorry to drag you out so early Doc, unpredictable babies.”

To Joe his brother didn’t sound at all like himself, almost unnaturally controlled and as Adam moved aside to let Doc go in Joe touched his brother’s arm, feeling the cold and the tension “Are you alright Adam?”

Adam didn’t even notice the question; moving back to Carole and Joe followed him in. Carole relaxed seeing both Doc and Joe, between them they would look after her and help Adam but she frowned as she realised that Joe was on his own. “Where’s Nita?”

“Following on, I rode ahead. Dan’s escorting her home, she’ll be back soon. You just take it easy Carole.” Joe managed to smile at her, hiding his fears.

Doc very gently examined her and meeting Sue’s eye he could only nod in agreement, it was a breech birth. He thought there was just a chance that they could turn the baby but he didn’t want to upset Adam. He straightened up and beckoned Sue over to the window, briefly telling her what he intended trying. Sue wasn’t surprised, she had often assisted before and knew exactly what to do. It would simplify matters if they could persuade the baby to turn but she knew that it was a long shot. She murmured “Adam?”

“I’ll try to get Joe to take him out, pity this is happening.” Doc turned to meet the brothers’ anxious gaze. “Joe why don’t you take Adam downstairs, both of you look as though you could do with a drink. Sue and I will try to make Carole a bit more comfortable.” He tried to keep his voice light and Joe moved closer to his brother, “Sensible Adam, just for a few minutes.”

Carole added her own persuasions, she would be fine but Adam seemed oblivious of both her and Joe, he knew Doc too well and he could see that something was wrong, at least potentially. Doc couldn’t meet his gaze and looked down and Adam said “What is it Doc? There’s something you aren’t telling me.”

The guilty look Doc and Sue exchanged was testimony to the accuracy of Adam’s pronouncement and Joe gripped his brother’s arm, ready to support him if necessary. For the moment all it meant to Adam was that both Joe and Sue knew what was going on and he, the most directly involved, didn’t. Almost angrily he demanded, “Tell me.”

Doc smiled, “Just take it easy Adam. It’s not unusual with premature babies, it hasn’t moved into the correct position and at the moment it’s in a breech position, trying to come feet first instead of head first, or more precisely bottom first.”

Adam had come across breech births in animals and had lost mares and foals to them, now hearing that his own precious wife was affected, he swayed as though someone had hit him. Joe tried to steady him but his brother turned to Carole and was doing his best to reassure her, holding her hand and trying to smile, unable to find words.

Doc smiled “Take it easy both of you. I want to try and turn the baby now. Sometimes it works, in which case there’ll be no problem. If I can’t then I’m afraid we’re in for rather a long wait for your baby’s arrival.” Doc had moved closer to Carole and patted her hand, “Still it’s almost certainly going to be quicker than the twins.”

“I’ll be fine.” Carole insisted with a confidence she was far from feeling. “I think I heard somewhere that breech births were easier on the baby, is that true?”

“Could be.” Doc agreed, “They tend to be pretty babies, their heads don’t get so squashed, opening the way.”

Carole managed a smile “Try not to worry darling, we are both going to be fine.”

Adam swallowed hard “Of course you are my sweet.”

Doc said “Adam you go down with Joe. Have a drink while we try our luck at turning your child.”

“I’m staying.”

“There’s nothing you can do Adam so go downstairs with Joe.”

“I’m not leaving.” Adam insisted and he looked so stubborn that Joe shrugged “He won’t go Doc.”

Doc frowned knowing how rough it looked and that it would hurt Adam a lot more than it did Carole or the child but he didn’t dare waste time arguing any further. The longer he left it the less chance he had and he said brusquely “Alright but move out of the way both of you, right up to the head of the bed. Sue can give me any help I needs, she knows what to do.”
Joe saw the anxious looks Sue was giving his brother and he moved to block Adam’s view as much as he could but Adam wouldn’t have it and he pushed Joe back, ignoring the pain in his injured hand. He held his wife’s hand as Doc tried to explain what he intended doing. Doc emphasized that rough as it looked he wouldn’t injure the child or Carole but he had to get through the thick muscles of the womb if he was to achieve anything. Doc was aiming his comments more at Adam, even than Carole but Carole trusted implicitly in the older man and she smiled “Go ahead Doc.”

Carole knew that Joe was there to look after her husband if necessary and she did her best to relax and let Doc do as he wanted. Paul waited until the next pain eased its grips and then he moved with Sue’s help. Joe knew better than to try and get in Adam’s way again but he could only pray wordlessly for his brother and his sister-in-law. Carole had shut her eyes, not really in pain but scared for her child as the Doc seemed to bang the womb. Adam watched in growing horror and lost every vestige of colour, only the trust that he had in Doc kept him still; that and Sue’s acceptance of what was happening. Doc tried twice and then sat back as Carole started another pain, he left Joe to look after his brother and accepted Sue back in her role of nurse, “It moved fractionally, we’ll give it another try after this one.”

Sue nodded but she knew that these things either went fast or they tended not to go at all and the baby was showing no real sign of moving. Joe could see her doubts but there was noway he could really help Adam, not even able to comfort his brother by putting his arm round him, just holding his arm gently to let Adam know that he was there.

Doc said “One more try Carole, just relax there’s a good girl.” Carole did her very best to comply with that request and Doc put his best efforts into turning it but the baby wouldn’t cooperate. He sat back and shook his head, “Obstinate I think it’s too far down. I’m sorry Carole.”

Carole smiled, mainly for her husband, “You ought to be used to this family! She wants to come the easiest way. I’m strong and as she’s so little maybe it’s for the best.”

Doc warned her, “It’s going to be a long haul Carole, she probably won’t arrive until tomorrow.”

Carole was very aware of how pale Adam was and tried to ease him, “You see its catching I’ve even got you talking about her rather than it. So she’ll be a day less early. I’ve been there before, can’t say I enjoy it but I can cope.”

“Of course you can and I’ll stay, my wife knows where to find me if there’s an emergency.”

Carole gripped Adam’s hand tighter, “Darling nothing is going to happen for a long time. I’m fine and I don’t need you, not now, maybe later I will.”

Adam bit his lip ensuring that his voice was under control before asking “What do you mean darling?”

“Go down with Joe, have a drink and a meal. You’re not fit yet. I’ll be fine I promise. Sue can look after me and you need to relax and try not to worry.”

Adam hated to leave her but he knew he was only worrying her and so slowly he got to his feet, “I’ll be back in half an hour.”

“You promise to have something to eat?”

Adam nodded and Joe met Carole’s eye and mutely promised to look after his brother for her. Adam walked out but once on the landing he was reduced to leaning on Joe, feeling so weak all of a sudden. Joe didn’t comment just helping Adam down to his study and pouring him a large brandy. Then Joe headed into the kitchen to get Kan Su to get something light for Adam. Hop Sing was there too helping with the three children and Joe filled the two anxious men in on what was happening. He spent a couple of minutes with the three children and then went back to his brother.

Adam had made no attempt to drink the brandy and when Joe tried to persuade him that it would help Adam pushed it decisively away, “No it’ll go straight to my head and I can’t help Carole if I’m drunk.”

Joe couldn’t argue that and just fetched coffee instead, he’d just taken it into Adam hoping it would warm his brother up a little when he saw Nita’s buggy come in. He went out to meet her, not really surprised to see Dan as well. Very briefly he explained that it was likely to be a long slow labour. Dan wouldn’t come in, they didn’t need outsiders, he’d hear from Doc as soon as he came back to town and meantime he would be praying for them both. Joe thanked him for bringing Nita home and for a moment he held her close before going back to Adam.
Nita didn’t know very much about childbirth and she couldn’t help Carole. Adam with Doc and Sue would do all that could be done, but if it was going to be an awkward labour it wasn’t the best place for the children. It wouldn’t help either Adam or Carole if the children got upset and she wondered if it would be easier if she took the three children back to her own house until it was over. She followed Joe into the study, horrified at how ill Adam looked again but she bit back the anxious words that wouldn’t help anyone and managed to smile “Take it easy Adam, I’m sure Carole and the baby will be fine.”

Adam nodded unable to find words and Nita went on, “If it’s all right with you Adam I thought the twins and Marie might find it exciting to come and stay with me for a day or two. Keep them out of the way and stop them bothering you.”

Adam was very touched at her thought and it was certainly better for the children, “Please Nita. I’m sure they’d love it, be one less thing to worry about.”

“I’ll collect a few things for them. The twins can help me make up beds; I expect they’ll enjoy that.”

“I know they will.” Adam watched her go out and then buried his face on his arm, feeling so very weak and sick. Joe left him alone for a moment and catching Nita up he held her close “Bless you darling.”

“Seemed the most useful thing I could do. Any time you want me you only have to send Hop Sing or Kam Su over and they can look after the kids. I’ll be praying for them and you’ll keep me up to date with all the news, won’t you?” Alone with Joe Nita couldn’t hide her anxiety, almost more for Adam than for Carole.

Joe kissed her, “Of course I will. Why don’t you pop in and see Carole, tell her what you’re doing, it should ease her mind on one thing. Tell her I’ll get Adam to eat and relax a bit.”

“He looks so ill.”

“Bad timing. I’d hoped he would have another few weeks to rebuild his strength but he’ll make out, don’t worry.”

Nita was determined not to make it any worse for Joe either and she forced herself to sound cheerful. “They will all be fine and Adam will soon have another daughter.” Then she headed upstairs to see Carole. At least Carole didn’t look too bad and she smiled as she saw Nita and called her over to the bed. Nita sat down “Joe’s persuading Adam to eat; he’ll look after your husband. I thought I’d take the children over to my house to stay for a day or two.”

“Thanks Nita far better for them to be out of this house.”

“I’ll leave Joe here, I think Adam needs his brother and Hoss is on his way back. But as soon as you have produced that daughter I’ll be first in the queue to inspect her.” Nita said lightly and then kissing her sister-in-law’s cheek “Good luck Carole.”

Carole watched Nita go out and then glanced over at Sue before grinning at doc, “I’m very lucky in my sisters aren’t I?”

“You certainly are young lady and your husband is lucky in his brothers, so you leave him to them and try to take it easy.”

“The baby?”

“More risk than a full term one but it’s been kicking healthily and still is and it’s a Cartwright, an obstinate fighter, so there’s an excellent chance.”

Carole smiled “You’ve gone back to it. She’s a fighter and so am I.”

Downstairs Joe had taken a tray into his brother with some broth and an omelette. Adam wasn’t hungry and pushed the broth away. Even the omelette felt as though he was chewing on rubber, a constriction in his throat making swallowing near impossible. He managed about half and then put his fork down. Joe came over and perched on the desk, “That wouldn’t keep a fly alive brother. At least finish it.”

“I can’t Joe, just not hungry.”

“You can simply because you love her. Look Adam I know how you feel I’ve been there and I know you. Before when she’s been ill you have managed without food, this time you can’t, you’ve no reserves of strength at the moment.”

Adam tried to force down another mouthful but then he got up and poured more coffee. He looked so despairing that for a minute Joe didn’t know what to do, wishing that his father and Hoss were there. “Adam you have got to relax, you’re only going to worry Carole if you go back to her like this.”

“I....” Adam broke off, unable to put his fears into words and Joe went over to him, gripping his brother’s arms and forcing Adam to look at him. “Adam you must calm down. Of course there’s a risk, noone denies it, a breech birth doesn’t help and the baby is premature and at risk, but both of them stand a very much better chance than Carole and David did on that ship or you did in the cave-in or that fire. God gave you the strength to support Carole after the fire when the baby couldn’t have lived, why should he desert them now?”

Adam pulled away to stare up at the painting of the lake, “He took Marie. I said once that life wasn’t fair and God didn’t make things easy in exchange for our faith. He took your wife and child Joe, deserted them, why shouldn’t he desert mine?”

Joe was shaken by the depth of Adam’s fear but he knew it was shock and weakness speaking, just unsure how his brother was going to manage in the long hours ahead. He forced himself to relax, he had to help Adam. “God didn’t desert Marie. You saw her Adam she died so at peace, she knew he was there. She told you then that Carole was strong and healthy and would give you a healthy child. Marie was right then and it’s still true.”

Adam bit his lip, “She hadn’t lived through this last year then.” Adam shut his eyes, the memories of the autumn so very clear, not wanting even Joe to see the panic. Joe knew what he was thinking but it did no good to dwell on the past and somehow he had to get Adam to pull himself together for his own sake as much as for Carole. Joe let a touch of anger into his voice as he said “Worrying about the past is hardly going to help Carole now, neither is letting yourself go. You can’t help her when you’re on the verge of collapse.”

Adam looked up at the anger he heard and Joe went on more gently “I know you’re not fit and I know this was a shock. I wish I’d been here but I am now and so is Doc. Hoss on his way. Trust Carole, she’s strong and come and drink this broth for her sake.”

Adam didn’t want to, but Joe was right it was the only way he could help for now and he forced it down and then drank half the brandy Joe had poured earlier, before going out to get a glass of milk. He’d won some measure of control over this fears and regained a little colour. As he went out two excitable boys threw themselves at him to tell him that they were going to stay with Auntie Nita and she was going to let them make their own beds. Marie toddled over “Me too, me too.”

Adam relaxed slightly listening to their prattle and Nita met Joe’s eye and silently congratulated him before taking the three off to her own home. After two glasses of milk Adam had himself firmly under control and went back to rejoin Carole. She was relieved to see him looking better but asked Joe to stay, just in case his brother needed him later. The pains were frequent but ineffective and Carole was happy to rest and talk quietly to Adam, doing her best to reassure him that she was fine, able for the moment to hide the worst of her pain. Joe, Sue and Doc talked quietly over by the window. As it grew dark Carole insisted Adam go and have some dinner and Sue promised to stay with Carole, she’d eat when the brothers returned.

Adam kissed his wife and went downstairs without argument but he remembered what Joe had said earlier and he forced himself to eat the chicken casserole that Kam Su put in front of him. He didn’t taste anything and it seemed to settle like a hard lump on his chest but Joe was right he was too weak to miss meals. Then wordlessly he went back up. Joe collected a tray of coffee and followed him up to let Doc and Sue eat, hoping that his big brother would be back soon to help him. Adam wasn’t really aware of Joe, very tired and in pain he had a brittle strength he was sure would carry him through and he did all he could to support Carole. Slowly as the hours of pain passed she was weakening, her strength already sapped by worry and the last weeks of her pregnancy not so easy as before. She could no longer hide her pain and forgetting just how weak her husband was, she relied on him as she always had, holding his hands between pains, grabbing at the knotted towels as the pains hit her, trusting him to rub her back, his voice the only reality, the only reassurance that she and the baby were alright.

Sue was surprised to see that the more Carole relied on Adam the calmer he became but it came as no surprise to Joe or Doc, both well used to him. The only thing they weren’t sure of was how long his strength would hold out. When Doc came back to the window having checked Carole’s progress Joe asked anxiously “How long?”

Doc was solemn “It could well be twenty-four hours yet Joe. She’s bearing up well, pulse and temperature up very slightly but not too bad.”

Joe stared out of the window in horror and it was Sue who put his question into words “And Adam?”

“We won’t get him to rest unless he collapses so we can only wait and see.” Doc gripped Joe’s shoulder “If he should collapse I doubt he’ll do any real harm, he’ll sleep it off and you and Hoss will be here to tend Carole in his stead.”

“Do you think he will?” Joe murmured.

Doc glanced round at the drawn figure by her bed “It must be at least likely. You know he’s not up to this sort of strain and you know too that he’s always taken it harder than most.”
Joe wouldn’t answer but a few minutes later, he gave a sigh of relief, “It’s Hoss.” He’d got to his feet to go and meet his brother and then realising Sue was there he hesitated, but she loved all of them and knowing how worried Joe was for Adam and Carole, knew he needed her husband more than she did. “Go on Joe, I’ll see him in a minute.”

Joe kissed her seeing the understanding on her face and ran down to greet his brother who looked very worried. Hoss had been worried all the way back but it intensified as he took in the expression on Joe’s face. Joe led the way into the study and poured out two brandies, handing one to Hoss. Hoss sighed heavily, “Okay what’s going on?”

“The baby.”

“Yeah well I know that much little brother. I’d sorta hoped by now it would have arrived, still Carole is usually slow....”

“It’s a breech birth Hoss, she’s tiring now but Doc says it could be twenty four hours yet and the baby is going to be so very premature.”

Hoss drained the brandy and poured another “How is she?”

“Holding up well although she’s tiring can’t hide her pain now, but she’s still strong.”

“And Adam?”

“I was in town it wasn’t even urgent but....”

“Noone expected it yet Little Joe; don’t help none to go blaming yourself for not having second sight. How is he?”

“He was on the verge of collapse at lunchtime but he’s got more control as Carole has weakened. He looks ghastly and Doc obviously expects him to collapse but I doubt it, not yet. How long he can keep up I don’t know.”

“Has he eaten anything?”

Joe nodded “I had a job to make him at lunchtime but this evening he just ate what was put in front of him, although I doubt if he knew what it was.”

“Don’t matter still gives him the strength he needs. Where’s Sue?”

“Up with them and Doc. Carole wants us there for Adam’s sake I think.”

“Come on then little brother let’s get back to him.” Hoss led the way upstairs and Sue ran to him as he appeared and kissed him but when he would have taken her in his arms she pulled away “I’m fine. Hoss patted her arm gently and went over to his brother and Carole. The pain eased and she smiled as she realised Hoss was back, he’d saved Marie for her and Carole loved and trusted the big man. She smiled at him, glad he was there and it was very obvious how she felt. Hoss said lightly “Well there hasn’t been one of your offspring arrived without costing us a night’s sleep, see they are determined to keep the record.”

Carole just gripped his hand and as the next pain came the big man automatically rubbed her back firmly to ease it, smiling at his brother who hadn’t spoken at all yet, not even sure if Adam had taken in his presence. In that he did Adam an injustice, Adam was very glad that Hoss was back, as always he was leaning heavily on his brothers, but relaxed fractionally just because Hoss was there he couldn’t seem to find any words. As the pain eased Carole looked from Hoss to her husband and to Hoss at least the message was clear and he moved round the bed to his brother. He gently stroked Adam’s hair holding his brother’s head against him, “Just take it easy brother, everything is going to be fine.” Hoss smiled at Carole “Don’t you worry about anything, Joe and I are here and we can cope.” He looked over at Sue and asked for two cups of coffee and ignoring Adam’s protest that he didn’t want ordered his brother to get it down him.

Only when Adam had drunk the coffee did Hoss move away from him as Adam seemingly better for now murmured that he was glad Hoss was back. Hoss was puzzled by Nita’s absence and Joe told him that she’d taken the children home. Hoss suggested sending Kam Su over so that Nita could join them, sure she wasn’t sleeping but Joe shook his head he had already suggested that but Nita wouldn’t hear of it. She had promised to be there and the children couldn’t wake and find that she wasn’t, maybe restless with odd things happening.
Hoss tried suggesting that Joe go and spend an hour with his wife, she was alone and pregnant, there was nothing Joe could do here. Joe shook his head again “No Hoss this is the way she wants it. She loves Adam and Carole and she thinks I might be more help here. I’ve promised to keep her informed and in an hour I’ll go and tell her the news, try to get her to rest but I shan’t stay. I couldn’t do that to her.” There was pride in his voice and Hoss could understand his great pride in the girl brought up to consider only herself, who had learnt so fast to hold onto her love by giving him his freedom and to put herself last. Hoss smiled at his little brother “She’s quite a girl, Nita.” Joe knowing his brother understood and agreed with his pride in his lovely wife, grinned more naturally than he had all day.

At first Hoss’ arrival seemed to give them all renewed strength but that couldn’t last and as the hours dragged on the tension in the room grew. Sue had finally given in and gone to lie down, knowing that there was nothing she could do at the moment and she was only worrying Hoss. However when Hoss looked in half an hour later she was still awake, unable to settle, the baby aggravated by her tension very active. Hoss stayed with her for a while but then she sent him back to Adam promising to try and rest. Joe had been home twice but Nita was no more successful in sleeping, very worried and seeing the fears that Joe couldn’t hide for her as well as his brother and Carole.

Of them all Adam remained the calmest, too aware of his own weakness to waste his strength in useless panic. He had himself well under control every fibre of his being concentrated on Carole and their child, reacting to her every move and breath, doing what he could to support her, ease her pain, conserve her strength for when she would need it.
Unable to do anything yet Doc had dozed off in the corner and although Joe and Hoss stayed close by there was nothing they could do either. Adam seemed barely aware of their presence, although he missed them when either went out. Occasionally they got fresh coffee but Adam didn’t want and neither would risk breaking his precarious balance by forcing him. He looked drawn and ill but as Hoss commented quietly “At least he’s no worse than when I came home. How much longer?”

“God only knows Hoss, she hasn’t even reached the second stage yet and she’s already weakening.” Joe looked so despairing that Hoss put his arm round his little brother “Easy Joe. Carole’s strong don’t you start giving up on her, that won’t help anyone.”

By dawn the pains were much worse and Carole very much weaker and scared for her precious child was only really aware of pain. She couldn’t help the cries and moans forgetting even how ill her husband had been. Joe couldn’t help remembering Marie and he was very nearly as drawn as his brother as he feared a similar outcome, merged with a living nightmare there was fear for Nita. Eventually Hoss decided that Joe would be collapsing if he didn’t get his little brother out for a bit. When Sue came back he insisted that she take Joe home to his wife for some breakfast. Joe didn’t want to go but Hoss forced his brother to look at him “You ain’t gonna help anyone if you’re on the verge of collapse. Get some fresh air and a grip on yourself and then go home see Nita and get some food. We ain’t gonna lose any of them Joe, get a hold. You’ve seen Pa, Adam and Carole, even me worse than this and we’ve recovered fine.”

Joe went to speak but Hoss grinned “Go on little brother I do understand but you need a break just for a little while.” Joe knew he was right and went downstairs, giving himself a few minutes to relax before going home. Even so he looked drawn and tired as he walked in and Nita put Marie down and ran over to him, “Joe are you all right? What’s happening?”

“No real change yet but she’s weaker and Adam’s so scared that’s he’s losing her.” Joe held her very close, at least his lovely blonde was fit and healthy. “There’s nothing we can do I’m not even sure he’s aware of us and I know Carole isn’t. Hoss made me come home just for some breakfast but I don’t really want anything.”

Nita saw the fear and the memories, even when Adam had been so ill or his father, she’d never seen her husband so close to hell. She didn’t need any explanations, she had always known how much Joe had loved his Marie. She kissed him and then said “You must eat darling. Come into the study so you don’t upset the children.”

Joe went in and slumped down at his desk, seeing Marie, her dead baby and the pathetic deformed daughter that he’d helped Adam bury once before. He was so scared both for Carole and the child knowing just how hard his brother would take it and loving Carole in her own right.

Nita fetched food and leaving Pak Tsien with the children she shut the door “You won’t be able to help Adam unless you calm down.”

“That’s what Hoss said.” Joe sighed “I’m sorry darling, they have already lost one child and ....” he sighed heavily.

“You lost a wife and a child but you survived. Adam would too but he won’t have to Carole is strong she’ll be fine and they have three fine children.”

Joe touched the bulge of her stomach, “Not a child, this is my first child.”

Nita looked puzzled and Joe said “Marie’s child wasn’t mine, she conceived just before I met her, a gambler she had been living with. He died the day I met her and she was thrown out of town. They weren’t married formally but for Marie it was as though they were. I gave her a lift to Virginia City and I think I fell in love with her then and there.”

“I didn’t know.”

“It wasn’t important. I swore to her I’d treat her child as my own. Adam and Pa knew and after she died they told Hoss and Carole. At first it hurt but then I only cared that she should be all right and when she died, it was almost a comfort, the die was cast before I met her. Your baby is the first I’ve ever fathered and it was by choice. I’ve made you face....”

Nita put her arms round him, so glad he’d told her about Marie’s baby, he was a very remarkable man. “Darling we are going to be fine and I want children just as much as you do, maybe more.”

Just her presence calmed Joe and he forced himself to eat, at least feeling warmer for the food he looked better, a little colour back in his face. He kissed Nita unable to find the words to thank her and promising to come back or send news as soon as anything happened, he returned to his brother.

Hoss had had trays sent up and once he’d eaten he had tried to persuade Adam to do so. Adam did try but the food made him feel sick and he pushed it away, although under pressure from his brother he did drink some milk. There was little more that Hoss could do, he knew that there was noway his brother would leave Carole and although he looked on the verge of collapse, he had done so all night. Hoss could feel the cold in Adam’s body despite the warm day and he fetched a warm jersey for Adam. Adam was glad of the warmth but he wasn’t really aware of his own bodily discomforts, feeling every breath and pain that moved his wife. He would have willingly taken the pain on himself if only he could.

Adam looked up as Joe came back in, glad to see his brother was looking better and then as Carole moaned he turned back to his wife. Carole wasn’t really aware of anything but the pains racking her body and the one thing she could hang onto was her husband’s presence, his deep brown voice. She was close to delirium and sometimes the pains she felt now merged with the pain she remembered, inflicted by the two animals who had kidnapped her. She was muttering as she drifted back into the hell she’d known then and Adam picked up enough words to know what she was dreaming. His brothers wouldn’t have believed he could have looked any paler but without even much of a tan to hide his pallor, after being stuck inside, Adam went chalk white, a grey-blue tinge to his lips. Hoss and Joe moved closer to him instinctively. Hoss had never seen the expression now on his brother’s face. He’d known him in agony but never had he shown such pain, the mental anguish of realising his beloved wife was reliving her hours of torment. Joe had seen it just once when he’d had to hold his brother still and force him to listen. Even as his brothers moved to him Adam lent over Carole and holding her shoulders, he held her still and talked to her, the only way he had to bring her back from the nightmare. He wasn’t making much sense as he assured her that she was home and safe, that he loved her and that she and their precious child were going to be fine.

Doc was getting seriously worried about Carole, the premature baby was obviously at risk but he’d hoped she would stand even a breech birth quite well. He’d seen her, like her husband, survive when he’d expected her to die, after her miscarriage, and she has stood up well to the even longer ordeal of the twin’s birth. This time she was weakening very much faster, the toll of the last year showing clearly and there was nothing he could do to help yet.
Slowly Adam managed to recall Carole’s wandering wits and he wiped her face and gently moistened her lips, “That’s my girl, easy now you’re doing fine, won’t be too long now.” Adam kissed her forehead and then sat back as another pain caught her.

It was an hour later that the waters broke and Carole screamed as the urge to push hit her but Adam didn’t even seem aware of the sound. He was staring as though mesmerised by the waters as they soaked into the thick towels. They were well stained with blood and Adam was too scared to ask what it meant. Joe remembering the fatal haemorrhage which had taken his wife, swayed as though he’d been hit. Hoss put an arm round his little brother to support him and looked at Doc horrified “What’s it mean?”

Doc did his best to reassure them although he couldn’t be sure “Probably nothing, most likely the placenta is breaking away from the wall of the womb, the afterbirth. Could be the reason for the baby coming so early. Nothing to worry about.”

Adam heard the words but his bemused brain couldn’t make sense of them and Sue went and poured out a brandy and expertly forced him to drink it. The spirit helped a little and Adam turned back to Carole, whatever was happening while she breathed he had to try and help. Carole felt the urge to push but she was too weak to be very effective and she screamed and writhed as the baby seemed to split her body in two. Adam oblivious of the pain from his hand and the unused muscles in his back struggled to hold her still conserve her waning strength and he was grateful as Hoss moved to the bed opposite him and held her quiet doing his best to reassure both of the people he loved. Joe spent a minute to send word to Nita and then concentrated on wiping her face, leaving Doc and Sue to support Carole’s legs. Doc was ready with the forceps to help just as soon as the baby was down far enough, at least with a breech birth he could move earlier without risking the child.

It seemed forever to the brothers but eventually Doc was able to move and deftly removed a tiny baby. Unlike the other three this one didn’t move or cry and Adam, for the first time in hours, was almost oblivious of Carole, who was lying still not even conscious enough to know what was happening. Adam stared at the Doc who was working over the tiny mite and his brothers could see his growing conviction that all the pain and risk had been for a still born child. Adam couldn’t ask, couldn’t even find his voice and only Hoss opposite him could read his lips as he murmured noiselessly, “Never again, never again.”

At first Doc feared that the baby wouldn’t live but just as he began to despair of getting any reaction there was a convulsive jerk and she started breathing and, a minute later, a low cry. It wasn’t the healthy yells of the twins or Marie, but at least it denoted life and Hoss asked “A girl or a boy Doc?”

“A girl. Carole was right again. She’s very tiny about three pounds I’d guess but she’s breathing now.” He beckoned Sue over and handed her the baby, she knew better than any of them what to do. Sue wrapped her up warmly and then brought the tiny shrivelled red baby to show her father. Adam stared at her, she was even smaller than Marie’s premature baby and that had only lived for an hour or two. He touched the baby’s forehead so very gently and for the first time in hours he could pray, pray for his daughter’s survival. He looked at Doc, who had come back to Carole. “Is she perfect?”

“Yes Adam quite perfect, just so very small, she’ll be at risk for several weeks, but she has a chance.”

“Carole?”

Doc didn’t answer but Carole moaned again as the afterbirth began to come away, all broken, in many small pieces. Doc cleaned up as best he could and put thick towels under her, “It’s a miracle she didn’t miscarry when she threatened too. Miracle that baby is still alive.”

Adam repeated his question, “Carole?” His wife virtually unconscious lay very still now, not aware of him or her child, so weak, worse than Marie had been directly after the birth and she had died. Doc worked hard stemming the flow of blood where he could, it was at least easing off somewhat, although Carole was still haemorrhaging. He couldn’t lie to Adam, he’d known him too long, even though he knew how weak the younger man still was. Doc straightened up and went over to the window and for the first time in hours Adam got to his feet, so stiff and weak he needed Joe’s proffered support. Hoss left Sue to tend Carole too for a moment and joined his brothers. Joe met his eye, sharing their unspoken fear but although Adam needed Joe’s support he was oblivious of his brothers, concentrating on Doc.
Doc knew there was no easy way to say it and he gripped Adam’s arms, at least his brothers were there if he collapsed. “I don’t know Adam, no guarantees for either Carole or the baby. It’s up to their own strength and to God. There’s nothing more I can do, Carole is still bleeding, it’s easing off and it may seal over of its own accord. If it does she has a chance. It’s not like Marie, a massive haemorrhage, there is a chance. I don’t know how good but at least as good and probably better than after her miscarriage. The baby is very small and so vulnerable, I just don’t know.”

Adam searched the Doc’s face, seeing just how slim Doc feared those chances were and for a minute he closed his eyes feeling weak and ill but he couldn’t give up. Carole was his wife, a apart of him and that tiny red mite was his daughter, flesh of his flesh, his own blood. To Doc’s surprise Adam pulled away from Joe, straightened his shoulders and began issuing orders. “Joe I want a pipette like before and some milk, boil it first. Hoss I need some meat broth for Carole and I guess some stew or something.” Adam moved back to the chair by his wife and wiped her face so very gently and then he turned to Sue. “I’ll take my daughter now Sue. Could you find a supply of blankets, diapers, nightgowns. I’ll need then here.”

Sue passed the tiny baby to Adam, who pulled back the blanket and studied her face as though determined never to forget it.

Joe and Hoss had both gone out on their errands without argument, but Doc and Sue stood watching Adam amazed, not knowing where he was finding the strength. It wasn’t until Hoss came back that they moved. Doc said quietly “There’s nothing more I can do Hoss. It’s in God’s hands and maybe Adam’s. I must get back to town.”

“We know that Doc, you’ve done a lot.”

Doc went over to Adam. “I have to get back to town Adam but I’ll drop by tomorrow, you must try and get some rest.”

“Thank you for all you’ve done.” Adam glanced up but he soon forgot Doc concentrating on spooning a little broth into his wife, holding the child close to him.

Sue had gone into Hoss’ arms, hardly able to believe Adam was still on his feet let along thinking clearly. She felt fit to drop herself and she’d had at least some rest overnight. Hoss talked to her quietly for a few minutes and then insisted that she lie down and rest for an hour or so as she couldn’t face food.

Downstairs Joe had ordered milk and water, half and half, to be slightly sweetened and boiled. Then as Doc came down Joe stopped him “Just what are their chances?”

Doc frowned “I can only guess Joe.”

“Then guess.”

“Maybe fifty-fifty for Carole.” Doc hesitated, “Only that because I know how strong she is and the baby maybe one in ten.”

Joe had known anyway from the look in Doc’s eye but he swallowed hard “Adam?”

“Sooner or later it’s going to catch up on him, just make sure that either you or Hoss is around when it does. He has three children and his family, he’ll survive.” It was about the best Doc could promise and Joe felt the tears stinging his eyelids but that wouldn’t help anyone and he blinked them away angrily. “Did Adam ask for the Reverend?”

“No, do you want me to get him to come out?”

“Please. I think Adam will want him but tell him to go to my house first in case I’m wrong. I’m guessing he’ll want to christen the child just in case, there wasn’t time with Marie’s daughter.”

Doc sighed heavily, “There is a chance Joe, a lot more than Marie had.”

“I know Doc, You’ve done all you can and we’re grateful.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow and I’ll pray for them.” As Joe let Doc out he saw his big brother coming down the stairs. Hoss looked worn out but he came over to his little brother, “You okay Joe?”

“Why not? It isn’t my wife, who’s fighting for her life.”

“You love Carole same as I do. Take it easy.”

“How can I Hoss? Doc says she has maybe a 50-50 chance as she’s so strong the child only 1in 10. I’ve sent for the vicar.”

“Adam has survived worse odds than that and so have you.”

“How much more can he take?”
“I don’t know little brother we can only stick around, try and help. You’d better go and see Nita, I’ll look after them for a while, not that there’s much anyone can do.”

Joe nodded but he couldn’t face food or even a drink, just needing his wife. Nita was scared by the expression on his face and Joe was quick to reassure her, “She’s had a baby girl, it’s over I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s very weak, not really conscious and the baby is tiny. It’ll be several weeks before we can be sure if the baby will survive, a day or two before we can be sure about Carole.”

Nita stared at him speechless. She’d known that her husband was worried but had assumed that once the baby arrived Carole would be alright even if the baby died. She could see just how scared Joe was and she shivered, Joe held her close, “Easy my love, its a miracle the baby lives at all, something had gone wrong when she had that threatened miscarriage. There is a chance.”

“Adam?”

“In some strange way he seems stronger now that he knows the worst and he’s started the fight to save them. He was feeding Carole when Hoss came out. He’ll do his best to save the child too as he saved David.”

“But he’s still so weak.”

“I know but I also know that he has to try. He once called this child the fruit of Carole’s strength and he won’t let her die without a fight. All we can do is support him as best we can.”

Nita lent against Joe, glad of his strength but slowly she pulled herself together, she was fit and well and Joe was needed elsewhere. “I’m alright darling. Get Hop Sing to come over when he has time I’d like to see my niece.”

“Will you be alright n your own?”

“I’m not alone I have the children. Go on Joe, Adam may need you more than I do.”
Joe kissed her and headed back to his brother but as he crossed the yard he saw Jess ride in. Joe waited as Jess pulled up by him, scared it meant yet more trouble. Jess said “The west shore is all tidied up, wagons on their way back.” Then as he took in how drawn Joe was he asked “What’s happening Joe?”

“Carole’s had a very premature baby girl. Now we wait and see, she’s very weak and the baby is tiny, both at risk.”

“Adam?”

“Calm considering everything, fighting hard for them both but sooner or later he’ll collapse.”
“Is there anything I can do Joe?”

Joe knew how much his brother meant to Jess but there was little any of them could do. “Keep a check on messages for Hoss and me so we can stay with them. There’s little either of us can do.”

“Sure I’d rather be around.” Jess went over to put his horse in the stable, anxious to know what was happening.

Joe slipped back into the bedroom with the warmed milk and the pipette he’d made. Adam had managed to get Carole to drink some broth and with Sue’s help changed her into a clean nightdress and for now his wife was resting quietly. She had still not roused enough to even know that she had had a daughter. To Joe’s relief his brother was eating himself, forcing down stew, although each mouthful threatened nausea. As Joe came in Adam pushed his plate away and took the pipette, “Thanks Little Joe.” He drew up a little milk and very slowly drop by drop he forced it down the child’s throat, relying on his brother to have sterilised the pipette. Holding the baby as close to him as he could, trying to steady her erratic breathing. He had to go so very slowly or it threatened to stop her breathing. David had seemed small but this tiny baby was less than a quarter of his son’s size on the boat, but maybe his experience with David stood him in good stead. With infinite patience Adam persevered hour after hour, feeding the child and twice more he persuaded Carole to drink a little broth although she didn’t wake to full consciousness. Under Sue’s direction Hoss had stripped and remade the bed and Sue had changed the pads for Carole. She was still bleeding but Sue reassured Adam it was easing off. Adam didn’t seem to take in what she said but he was aware of his brothers and their wives taking care of things for him, leaving him free to concentrate on Carole and the baby. It wasn’t until Nita came in that he spoke “The twins, Marie are they alright?”

“Just fine Adam, Joe told them you’d agreed to let them stay another night. They’ve been as good as gold.”

“Bless you Nita.”

Nita came over and her heart seemed to stop as she realised just how very tiny the baby was and read in Adam’s eyes the clear knowledge of the odds against him. She didn’t know what to say, it didn’t seem possible the tiny baby could survive and swallowing hard she said the first thing that came into her mind, “Have you decided on a name?”

That simple question came closer to breaking through Adam’s strange shell than anything else had and his lip trembled as he looked down at Carole, praying he’d be able to discuss it with her as they had for all their other children. Joe moved closer and forgetting for a minute his brother’s injuries, he put his arm round Adam’s shoulders. Adam winced at the pain but he lent against Joe glad of his brother’s warmth, needing his support even at the expense of some pain. Slowly his trembling eased and still leaning against Joe he said softly “I must get her christened; there may not be time....”

Joe said “I asked Doc to get the Reverend to come out.”

Adam wasn’t surprised to find his brother in tune with his thoughts but for the first time in hours his expression softened slightly. “Thanks Joe. Sue, Nita will you act as godmothers?”

“Of course.” Nita said and Sue nodded her agreement. Adam looked from Hoss to Joe, not wanting to choose, not even able to think. Joe knew the impossibility of making decisions and he said “Jess is down in the study Adam.”

“Ask him for me Joe. Names, I must....” Adam rested his aching head on his hand “I could do with some coffee.”
Hoss came over behind them “Go on Joe, see Jess and get coffee.” Joe moved away and Hoss slipped in to support his brother as Adam rested his head back against his big brother, trying frantically to think of names. Hoss said, “Just choose one Adam, you can always add another later when you’ve had a chance to talk it over with Carole.”

Hoss felt his brother relax slightly and then Joe came back in with coffee. Joe had been into see Jess, who had at first looked disbelievingly as Joe said, “Adam would like you to act as godfather for his Daughter. We want to get her christened at once just in case.”

“You can’t have a hand as Godfather, he’s not thinking straight.”

“I thought you were his friend, not just a hand?”

“You know what your brother means to me Joe but you can’t approve, even if she dies, I mean ....”

“I approve.” Joe interrupted quietly, “I told him you were here. Jess please agree, he’s walking a tightrope trying to keep going and look after Carole and the baby. Its taking him all his time to choose a name, he doesn’t need any more decisions to make.”

“Your Pa?”

“You should know him by now Jess. You’re Adam’s friend just as Dan is and equally right to act as Godfather for one of his children. Please.”

Jess very touched by Adam’s request and perhaps even more by Joe’s endorsement of it, unsure how clearly Adam was thinking, nodded, “Tell Adam I’d be honoured.”

“Thanks Jess.” Joe went to fetch coffee, telling Kam Su to pop over and leave a message for the Vicar to come and see Adam as soon as he arrived and then he went back up. Adam was glad of the warmth of the coffee but he went back to feeding the baby, such a tiny scrap of humanity, he could only pray that she was a fighter, a true Cartwright in that, because she would never need it more than in these first hours of life. He tried to think of names Carole had mentioned liking and then he remembered one comment she’d made. He drained his coffee, “We’ll call her Anne. Hoss is right we can add a second name later.” He sounded more decisive than he had all day and although obviously very tired looked less likely to collapse than he had done, grateful that at least he could do something to help and Carole was holding on.

There was little enough Adam could do and after a few minutes Hoss beckoned the other three over, “We’ve got to start getting organized once the Vicar’s been, he shouldn’t be long now. It’s gonna be a long haul, at least I pray it is.”

Joe stared over at the bed where Adam was oblivious of them, his head bent over his daughter again. Hoss gripped his shoulder, “We all know how you feel Joe, hell we’re all scared, too many memories, but we’ve got to do what we can to help and at the minute we’re all whacked, that don’t help anyone. There are three children apart from them.” Hoss looked over at the bed, “Come on Joe, she’s holding on and Carole’s a fighter. She’s proved that before.”

“I couldn’t sleep, not yet.”

“Someone has to, to be fit for later, even if it means taking a drug and you know I hate that as much as you do.”

Sue added her voice to her husband’s, “Adam can’t keep going. I don’t know where he’s found the strength to get this far but it’s bound to take its toll eventually.”

Joe knew they were talking sense “All right look Hoss you and Sue have a meal, get some rest then you can relieve me and I’ll go home to Nita for some sleep. We’ll take care of the twins and Marie. Be best if you stay here, we may need your help Sue.”

She shrugged “Seems to me Adam knows more than anyone.”

“He saved David when noone gave him a chance but this time....” Joe felt quiet, knowing how much that had cost his brother and this time Adam was starting off weak and ill. It didn’t seem possible that Adam could succeed but he knew Adam would blame himself bitterly if he failed.

A few minutes later the Vicar knocked on the door and Joe slipped out to fetch Jess. Adam was very succinct, he just wanted his daughter baptised, in case. The vicar knew them all well and he could see the strain Adam was under and made no attempt to sympathise with him. The simple ceremony only took a couple of minutes by Carole’s bedside as Nita, Sue and Jess made the promises for the tiny child Anne Cartwright, Jess had been shocked by how ill Adam looked but his friend seemed well in control and he made no comment.

Carole appeared to be asleep but as the baby was named her eyes flickered open and she repeated Anne before slipping back into sleep, but her lips had curved into a smile, she liked the name. Adam stared at her, praying wordlessly for her and Hoss gripped his brother’s arm “She likes the name Adam.”

Joe added, “That smile is your best hope Adam if she can smile she can make it.”

Adam couldn’t find any words but for the first time his eyes filled with tears which he blinked angrily away. Joe had gone over to the window, remembering how Marie had died with a smile on his lips and hoped his brother wouldn’t. Hoss joined Joe knowing exactly what he was thinking, “You all right Joe?”

“Sure. Send up two trays and I’ll try and persuade him to eat.”

“You need food too Joe.”

“I know and I will. If only there was more that we could do.”

“Maybe later. He’ll have to rest.”

Joe nodded but he knew how difficult that was going to be or he thought he did. Adam didn’t argue when his brothers tried to persuade him to rest, he just didn’t seem to hear them. If they brought food he would eat a few mouthfuls before returning to his job, persuading the baby or Carole to eat. She still lay still, seemingly barely alive, but holding on and the bleeding had definitely eased according to Sue. Throughout the rest of that long day and even longer night Adam held his daughter and talked quietly to Carole, feeding both of them. Only once did he let Joe persuade him to hand over the baby while he had a wash and changed. Stiff and sore he needed Hoss’ help but felt a little better for it.

The baby was so frail, her breathing difficult and hesitant but she was fighting for life and Adam could only pray. He was beyond tiredness although his eyes felt sore and full of grit and he shut them occasionally to ease them but he had no urge to sleep. Hoss and Joe recognized that they weren’t getting anywhere but they couldn’t force Adam, even if they knew how. Sue and Nita were in some ways more worried than their husbands, both Hoss and Joe were used to Adam’s ability to keep going and until he was sure about Carole at least it was a waste of time arguing and would just make it harder for Adam. Without discussion they dropped the subject, just ensuring that he had food and the support of one or other of them throughout the long hours.

Mid-morning Doc returned as he’d promised and Joe, who had been attempting to organize the work while Hoss stayed with Adam, came out of the study to greet him. Joe had had a few hours sleep but he was still very tired and tense, his rest disturbed by nightmares, scared for his own wife. Doc asked “How are they?”

Joe could only shrug, “Holding on, maybe you can tell us.”

“You look exhausted Joe.”

“I think we all are, not easy to settle. Come on upstairs, Hoss and Sue are with them.” Joe led the way back to his brother. Adam wasn’t even aware of anyone coming in until Doc came right over to the bed. As his tired brain took in who was there Adam considered Doc with more interest than anything else had aroused in hours. “Thanks for coming back Paul.”

Doc smiled at him, Adam looked tired out but he was calm and further from collapse than he’d appeared two days earlier. “Let’s see how Carole is for a start.”

“She hasn’t really woken up but I’ve managed to get her to drink a little broth.” Adam bit his lip looking down at his wife, his fear for her so very clear, and Joe moved round close to his brother wanting so much to help but there was just no way. Adam didn’t even seem to notice him.

Doc with Sue’s help checked Carole carefully, she whimpered once as he checked how much blood she was still losing but didn’t really waken. Doc left Sue to wrap her up warmly again and went round to pull a chair up by Adam. The question was obvious in Adam’s eyes but he couldn’t put it into words. Doc was serious, they were old friends ad he couldn’t lie to Adam but he was too aware Adam wasn’t fit enough for the strain he was under, he had done well to stay on his feet this long. As he hesitated the fear grew in Adam and sensing it Joe said “Well Doc?”

“Easy all of you. She’s better than yesterday, the haemorrhage has sealed over and as long as she stays very quiet it will heal.”

Adam could hear the ‘but’ in Doc’s voice and he stared at Paul “Let’s have the rest of it.”

“She’s very weak Adam, her pulse is steadier than it was but still weak and slightly erratic. At least she’s not feverish. It’s still too early for any guarantees but she’s hung on this long and her chances are better now than they were yesterday.”

Adam swallowed hard but he couldn’t trust his voice and Hoss put it into words for him. “When will we know Doc?”

“I think if she makes it through tonight without any fever, her chances are excellent. Every hour she lies quiet she’s regaining some strength, improving her chances, especially if you’re managing to feed her.”

Adam’s voice was low and hoarse but he sounded confident, more than in her heart he felt. “She’ll make it, she’s too strong to give in.”

Paul smiled “Hold onto that Adam, she’s a very special lady. Let me have a look at the baby, what have you called her?”

“Anne.”

“Pretty.” Doc bent over the tiny baby as she lay on Adam’s lap, so very small and fragile, seemingly without the strength to kick or even cry, her breathing still erratic. He was frankly surprised that she had survived the night, but her chances were very slight even though she had lived thus far and it was no use buoying Adam up with false hopes. He let Adam wrap the baby up again and hold it close to him as he had all night and then he gripped Adam’s arm. Hoss and Joe exchanged glances, knowing Doc so well they knew it wasn’t good. Adam just waited and Doc sighed, “She’s very tiny Adam, smaller than even a six week premature baby, probably hasn’t been fed properly for the last month, since that threatened miscarriage. “It’s a miracle she was born alive, it’ll be another one if she survives.”

“What are you trying to say Doc?” Adam met his eye square demanding the truth.

Paul sighed but then said “You must be prepared to lose the baby; she only has the very slightest of chances. I’ve seen many babies better equipped than she is that haven’t made it and I don’t think I have ever seen one quite this tiny survive. You have done very well to keep her alive so long and you mustn’t blame yourself when the inevitable happens.” Doc had decided to be blunt, even though Adam wasn’t well but Adam seemed barely to hear him. He had bent his head down over his daughter again, cutting out the world. Hoss and Joe both lost colour and looked even more upset but Adam hadn’t reacted at all. Sue wasn’t surprised at Doc’s statement and she moved closer to Hoss seeing how upset he was. Doc gripped Adam’s arm a little tighter “Do you understand me Adam?”

“I understand.” Adam didn’t look up, this baby wasn’t a statistic she was his own daughter, a fighter he was already sure of that, she’d give him a chance to help her. He had been scared for a while that God would desert them but Doc called her live birth a miracle. Why should God bother to do that and then leave her now when his help was still needed? He couldn’t put his feelings into words, allow himself to see his family’s doubts, still trying to conserve his strength and having heard what he wanted he just cut them out.

Doc frowned but he wanted to examine Adam himself and he said gently “Let Sue have the baby for a minute Adam. I want to have a look at you.” He might at well not have spoken for all the reaction he got and he looked up at Joe hovering behind his brother, “Take the child Joe.”

Joe bent to do as he was told but Adam said brusquely, “No. I’m alright, leave me alone.”

Joe couldn’t defy his brother when Adam spoke in that tone but Hoss tried to persuade Adam to be sensible. Adam showed no sign of hearing his brother or Doc as failing to examine him, Doc tried to remind him that he wasn’t fit and that he must eat and rest or he wouldn’t be able to help Carole when she needed him. Doc persevered for several minutes before recognising that he was wasting his time. He got up, “Joe, Hoss can I have a word with you two.”

They disliked both leaving Adam at the same time, but Sue was there and they would only be downstairs so they followed Doc out and down to the study. Doc was used to making himself at home in all the Cartwright homes and he poured three brandies. “Has Adam had any rest since this started?”

Hoss shook his head, “No. Just once he let Joe take the baby for ten minutes while I helped him wash and change, otherwise he ain’t left them. We’ve tried Doc but I don’t reckon he even hears us.”

“Perfectly coherent and sensible one minute and then it’s as though he’s put up a wall, cut us off.” Doc sighed, “It can’t go on, you both know that don’t you? He’s nowhere near fit enough. God only knows how he has lasted this long without collapsing.”

Hoss met his little brother’s eye, reading the same thought. It was easy to say but not so easy to enforce. “I don’t know what we can do Doc, at least not until it’s settled. When he’s sure that Carole is gonna be okay, well then maybe ....”

“That may be too long and the baby may linger for two or three days yet.”

Joe turned away to the window, “Hasn’t she any chance Doc? You said maybe one in ten.”

“Well she’s alive so there’s always a chance Joseph but I think I was being rather optimistic. I’m sorry but you have to make Adam see that Carole is going to need him. She’s very weak and if she’s faced with the death of her child then .... She’ll need him as much as she ever has. Maybe he’ll rest for her sake if not his own.”

Joe shook his head, “He’ll just try to keep the baby alive for her sake. You know Adam Doc, he don’t know how to give in.”

Doc looked grim, “Then you two will have to force him.” He got out some tablets, “These will knock him out for four or five hours, if he won’t take them willingly, you’ll have to trick him.”

Joe turned at that and met Hoss’ eye, both of them hated the idea of doing that and Hoss said, “I don’t think we could Doc. If’s we drugged him behind his back and the baby died while he was asleep....” Hoss shook his head slowly.

Joe went over to his big brother and put an arm round his shoulders. “Hoss is right Doc, I think either of us could so most anything without alienating Adam, you know how close we are, but this is one thing he might never forgive us.”

Doc ordered “Sit down both of you.”

The brothers stared at him but as he repeated his order Hoss slipped into a chair and Joe perched on the arm. Doc hesitated a minute but it had to be said. “Look I know it’s been tough on both of you precisely because you’re close, but someone has to face facts. Ben isn’t here which leaves you two, Adam is not unreasonable, for a time maybe he will hate you but in time he will understand.”

Joe sighed “I’m not so sure Doc.”
“Even if he never understands would you rather have a live brother who hates you or one whose trust you fulfilled in one way, but failed in another, and you had to bury up at the Lake?”

Hoss sat up at that, staring at the Doc in consternation, “What are you saying Doc?”

“Very simple. Either Adam rests and soon or he risks not only driving himself into total collapse but maybe even killing himself.”

“I thought you couldn’t do that, that you collapse before you did real harm.”

“Usually Hoss but a few people, your brother amongst them, have a will power that transcends normal laws. He’d be dead by now if he didn’t. This time maybe it’s working against him. He has no right to be keeping going, you know as well as I do how badly he was hurt and how much the pain took out of him.”

Joe got up and poured himself another drink, “You think it’s a serious risk?”

“I do Joe and that could cost Carole her life too, to lose husband and child, leave those three children orphaned.” Doc looked out of the window at Marie and the twins playing with Pak Tsien in the yard. Joe came over and picked up the tablets. “Alright I just pray that he’ll forgive me if I have to use them.”

Doc stood up, “One each for you two would be worth while. Your brother needs your help. Do you want me to send word to your father?”

Hoss and Joe looked at each other uncertain, knowing Ben wasn’t fit either and yet he ought to know. Hoss finally shook his head, “No, at least not until we’re sure about Carole.”

Joe hesitated and Hoss said “Pa didn’t tell you when Adam was kidnapped, there was nothing you could do and he wouldn’t worry you while you were on your own in San Francisco. When it’s settled we’ll wire him but we still have a ranch to run and Adam’s barely aware of any of us. We can do all that’s possible.”

Joe nodded, his big brother was right. Doc promised to come out again in two days and if at any time they needed him to send word. He would make sure his wife knew exactly where he was at all times. Hoss thanked him and saw him out while Joe tossed the pills from hand to hand; Hoss came back in and took them from him. “If we use them it’ll be a joint decision Joe.”

“If? From what Doc said we have little choice.”

“Doc knows Adam pretty well after all these years but he’s our brother Joe. Sure he’s weak and scared but he’s eating and he can manage without sleep. I don’t believe he’s that bad yet.”

“He looked nearer collapse when I first came home from town.”

“Yeah. If we have to act we will but let’s give him a chance first. I’ll go back up, you go join Nita for a bit.”

Joe looked at the piles of papers awaiting attention on the desk but Hoss gave him a gentle shove, “You ain’t no more fit to make sense of that lot at the minute than young Mark. Try and relax Joe it’s still gonna be along haul.”

Joe recognized the sense of it and with Nita in his arms as they watched the children he was able to talk out his fears a little and began to relax slightly and make a reasonable lunch.
Hoss had rejoined his brother but Adam was oblivious of him concentrating again on forcing a little food into his daughter. Hoss took Sue over to the window seat and told her what Doc had said. Sue could understand Doc’s fears but to Hoss’ relief she didn’t really share them. She had seen Adam do the impossible and knew from Hoss’ stories that on other occasions he had done it too. She couldn’t believe that he’d kill himself and just maybe he’d pull of another miracle. He had saved David’s life and Anne had survived a lot longer already than Sue had expected. Hoss was comforted by her support and her promise to tell him if she thought it time that he and Joe acted. They had fallen quiet and were just sitting watching the trio by the bed when Adam looked up and for the first time since Doc had warned him about Anne he spoke, “Hoss I could do with some more coffee and food, both for Carole and me. Please.”

Sue slipped out of Hoss’ arms “I’ll go get.”

Hoss nodded and went over to the chair Doc had pulled up next to Adam, the concern for his brother very obvious on his expressive face. A faint smile flickered across Adam’s face and he gripped his brother’s hand “I’m alright Hoss, tired and worried of course, but alright.”

“You ought to rest Adam. You ain’t fit yet, not strong enough for all this.”

“I am resting, just sitting here, hardly strenuous.”

“Not the same you need to sleep.”

“I couldn’t, don’t even feel like it, I think I’ve gone past being tired.”

“Doc left some tablets, give you four or five hours sleep.”

“No.” Adam said decisively “I know he means well but I don’t need them and I can’t leave ....”

“He thinks you do, Carole’s gonna need you and if you don’t get some sleep you won’t be in a fit state to help her.....”

Adam smiled again and said very gently, “I know you mean well Hoss but Carole needs her daughter and at the moment I’m the only chance Anne has. I know Doc doesn’t think that she’ll live but she’s a Cartwright and she’s a fighter. God has brought her this far, he’ll help me.”

“I could do exactly what you are Adam, she’s my niece, just while you rest.”

“Maybe later Hoss but I don’t even feel tired at the minute. I’m her father and this may be the only chance I have to help her. I have to try.” Adam frowned at his brother, “I know you only want to help, you and Joe, the girls too and you’re worried about me but it has to be my decision Hoss. I am not in shock or delirious I can think for myself, so don’t try slipping drugs in on me.”
The expression on Hoss’ face was a give away that he had been considering doing exactly that and Adam pressed for his promise not to. Hoss frowned knowing he would have to break that promise if it seemed likely that Doc could be right but also knowing that if he didn’t give it Adam might not eat and torn in two he finally gave Adam his word. Having got it Adam relaxed a little and letting go of Hoss’ hand he tucked the baby up a little tighter and again tried to persuade her to eat.

When Sue came back up with a tray Adam covered his own food and with Hoss’ help propped Carole up a little on the pillows and managed to spoon a bowl of broth into her. She didn’t waken but Adam had had all too much experience of practical nursing and he was adept at feeding a sick person. As he wiped Carole’s face, Hoss said, “She has a little colour back in her lips.”

“I’m not sure.” Adam hardly dared to let himself hope but Sue confirmed her husband’s opinion. Like Doc she found it hard to believe that the baby would survive but she was growing more convinced that Carole would and she said so. Heartened by that Adam did his best with his own meal and managed more than half before pushing the plate away. Hoss didn’t protest, just removing the tray and pouring Adam coffee as his brother turned his attention back to the baby.

It was early in the evening and Joe was with his brother when Carole finally stirred. At first as she opened her eyes she wasn’t at all sure what was happening. Adam kissed her gently and then with Joe’s help put a couple of pillows to support her as he assured her that everything was fine. The pain and soreness as she moved brought back vividly what had happened and for the first time she took in the bundle in Adam’s arms. Too weak to even talk, she put the question with her eyes. Adam smiled “You were right my darling, a little girl, not as pretty as the others yet, she’s still very tiny but she’ll be a beauty like her mother.” He lent forward as he spoke pulling back the blanket so that Carole could see the baby’s head. At the moment Anne was fast asleep. Adam went on “You weren’t awake so I’ve just called her Anne, later when you’re feeling better we can think abut another name to add to that.”

“Anne” Carol murmured “Nice.” She reached out an uncertain hand and very gently touched the child’s cheek but she was too weak to want to hold her. She licked her lips, very thirsty and Joe sat down on the bed and lifted her against his shoulder, helping her to drink some warm milk. Carole relaxed against her brother-in-law, trusting him and knowing he loved her, she studied her husband’s face. Adam looked tired and drawn but he was smiling and without any idea just how long she had been lying unmoving, Carole wasn’t too worried. Despite his weakness Adam seemed to have come through it better than she’d dared hope when she realised it was going to be a difficult birth. She asked “Doc?”

“He’s gone home darling, be out to see you both in a couple of days. Now no more talking, you have to rest, recover your strength, Joe go and get some broth.”

Joe slipped out and Adam talked quietly to his wide trying to reassure her. It wasn’t too hard to do as he was confident now that she would recover and with Carole by his side he could face anything. Hoss came up too, wanting to see with his own eyes and Carole was happy to lean against his warm strength and let Hoss feed her, while Adam nursed their child and talked to her. She did murmur that Adam must rest too, but on Joe’s assurance that he and Hoss would take care of everything she was content to snuggle down into her bed again and closing her eyes almost immediately drifted back into sleep. Adam stared down at her for a long moment, thanking God for his mercy and for his wife’s strength. Hoss grinned at his little brother, “She’s gonna be just fine, thank God.”
Joe could only nod but for the first time in hours Adam got very stiffly to his feet and leaving Carole’s side went over to the window to stare out at the mountains that he loved. He thanked God for his mercy and yet presumed to ask for more help, for the tiny precarious life that he held in his arms. He wasn’t even aware that he was trembling, as with one of his fears eased reaction set in. Hoss told Joe to go to him and called down for Sue to stay with Carole while he joined his brothers. Not wanting to disturb Carole Adam let Joe lead him into the next room and didn’t even protest when Joe took his precious burden from him. Hoss followed his brothers in and he put his arm round Adam very gently. Adam rested his aching head on his brother’s shoulder, not even aware of the pain from his injured back, Hoss stroked his hair. “Give way Adam you’ve been in hell for a long time brother but she’s gonna be just fine.”

Adam was glad of Hoss’ strength and his warmth, feeling weak and cold but he felt no urge to break down, his will still set on saving his daughter as well as his wife. Slowly his trembling eased and he pulled away from his big brother and moved to take the child back from Joe. Joe hesitated, “Let me take care of her just for a few hours, you must get some sleep.”

“I’m not tired.”

“Liar.” Said Joe gently “You’re almost out on your feet. You can’t carry on without rest Adam, you’ve already missed two night’s sleep.”

Adam took the child gently and then turning on his heel he left his brothers and went back to the chair by Carole’s bed. He knew they were only thinking of him but he couldn’t leave Anne not even to his brothers, sure that he was the only one to really believe she had a chance. He hadn’t been lying his eyes ached and his head throbbed, his whole body stiff and sore but that was all happening a long way away, almost to someone else and he’d never felt more wide-awake, almost unnaturally alert, and he knew he could cope.

Joe said “Should we get those pills?”

Hoss briefly filled him in on Sue’s opinion and the promise Adam had extracted from him.

Joe frowned “Will you keep it?”

“Not if his life is at stake but I don’t reckon it is yet.”

Neither brother liked leaving Adam but they stuck to the arrangement they’d agreed, sooner or later Adam would be forced to give in and rest and someone had to be fit enough to cope. They split the night between them with Hoss taking the early hours, Joe had to try and keep some of the work moving and although Hoss did his best to help, the organization was not his forte.

The following morning Adam was still as insistent that he wouldn’t go to bed although he let his brothers help him to look after Anne while he washed and changed. He fed Carole himself but she was a little stronger and sat up talking for a few minutes before dozing off again, still too weak to understand how long things had been going on or penetrate the act Adam was putting on.

Once Carole dozed off again Adam fed the baby but as he changed her diaper Joe came in. Joe looked very tired and harassed, trying to keep things going with a stream of queries and worries almost panic stricken, coming from town. Too many were legal; queries and he was really out of his depth but he wouldn’t disturb Adam. His fear for his brother didn’t help his concentration and he remembered very vividly just how much the fight for David’s life had cost his brother, only Adam had started out fit them. Remembering those times he wondered if he could get Adam to lie down if he kept the baby with him, as he had David.

Adam looked up as Joe came in, frowning slightly at just how harassed Joe was but he hadn’t time to worry about anything except his own wife and child. His brother was very competent and somehow he would manage. Adam finished wrapping Anne up again and Joe came round nest to him. “Look Adam, Carole will sleep for a while and you’ve just fed and changed the baby. It’s past time you rested, Hoss and I can’t get on properly until you do. I know you must be exhausted even if you won’t admit it.”

“I’m not leaving Anne,” Adam said as though that finished the argument and bent his head over his daughter, Joe met Hoss’ eye and Hoss sighed heavily but Joe hadn’t finished, “Will you listen to me Adam?”

Adam, his head throbbing, seeing double, couldn’t face arguing “Just leave me alone Joe.”
“I can’t do that brother. I’m not suggesting you leave Anne.”

Adam looked up at that not understanding and Joe smiled “If we push your bed up tight to the wall. Keep her with you, like you did David on the boat. You’ll wake if she stirred just as you did then. I couldn’t wake you but if he whimpered you were awake instantly. You’ll do the same now and we can look after Carole.”

It seemed a long time before they got any answer out of Adam, He might protest that he wasn’t sleepy but he was exhausted and his brain didn’t seem to be working. What his brother said seemed to make sense and the looks his brothers gave him finally decided him and to their infinite relief he slowly nodded “Alright Joe.”

Hoss and Joe both went with him and with their help he was soon lying down the baby nestled in the crook of his arm as he lay on his side, Hoss was worried about Adam hurting his back but Joe shook his head as Hoss picked up the strap, They should settle for what they had and even in his exhaustion Joe was sure that Adam would be very aware of the baby and stay still. Having agreed to rest and shut his eyes Adam’s weakness released him into sleep almost immediately before his brothers had even left the room. Hoss put his arm round his little brother “Well done Joe, I should think he’ll sleep the clock round, maybe twice.”

Joe shook his head “In two hours or less the baby will be restless and he’ll be awake.”

“Let’s take her away.”

“We can’t, he’d wake up for sure and he wouldn’t trust us again. Once he’s settled her again maybe he’ll go back to sleep himself.”

“You look pretty tired yourself.”

“All sorts of panic in town. I’ll have to try and sort it out but ...”

“Don’t take on too much Joe, we have enough to cope with. Come on let me get some of those piles of paper. I can go through them up here, I’ll stay with Adam just in case he needs me and Sue’ll take care of Carole.”

Joe nodded, he needed all the help he could get and when Jess offered help Joe accepted that too. Nita let Hop Sing and Kam Su look after the children so that she could help her husband but too much even Joe didn’t really know how to cope with. All sorts of problems being thrown up by the financial collapse and Joe knew that he’d have to make time to go into town and check things on the spot. Queries were already coming in from John Marye on the stock he’d arranged to buy and Joe wished he had waited but it was too late to change his mind now.

Hoss was sorry to see that his little brother was proved right. Not much more than an hour after Adam flaked out the baby gave her tiny weak cry and Adam was up immediately. He took Hoss’ presence for granted, asking for some fresh milk and water and his pipette. He seemed to be moving almost automatically but he wouldn’t let Hoss do anything for her. His short sleep made him look much worse and for the first time he felt ill, so Hoss had no problem in getting him to lie down again once Anne settled. Two hours later to Hoss’ disgust Adam insisted on going back to Carole sure that she’d be awake soon. Hoss tried to persuade him that Carole would only be worried about him as he looked so tired but got nowhere and by the time he had got back to Carole Adam had hidden the worst of it.

Carole was able to feed herself, feeling stronger and she wanted to know more about her daughter. Adam let her hold Anne for a few minutes and he didn’t hid from her that the tiny premature baby was going to need a lot of care but he insisted that Anne would be fine. The confidence in his voice and even more importantly in his eyes reassured Carole. It wasn’t all an act, Adam had put his trust in God and in his exhaustion he was relying heavily on that trust, having got so far he wasn’t going to let Anne die. The baby wasn’t strong enough to suck and Carole’s breasts were already feeling heavy. Sue heard the fear in her voice and came over from the window to join them. It wasn’t unusual for a premature baby and until Anne gained some strength Carole could express her milk manually and they could collect it to feed the baby, still best for the child. Carole wasn’t sure but Sue did her best to sound cheerful, determined not to undermine Adam’s efforts and promised her help, starting right away. It eased the discomfort but Carole wasn’t strong enough to do it herself yet and when Sue had finished she slipped back into sleep.

Adam considered his sister-in-law “I don’t know how we managed without you and Nita. Bless you Sue.”

Sue came over to him, “Let me hold my niece for a few minutes Adam, she’s asleep. I saw the twins and Marie come in a while back. They are downstairs and I think they need their father too, just for a little while.”

Adam frowned loathe to go that far from the baby but Sue was right and if his children needed him, he needed them, maybe more than he ever had. He passed Anne to Sue and she watched him go downstairs. Sue had seen how much Adam had needed his children in the hours of despair last autumn, maybe they could help him now too. Adam had barely got to the bottom of the stairs when the twins spotted him and threw themselves at him. Adam held them close, making space for Marie as she came over. Nita moved forward scared they would hurt Adam, but Joe had heard the excited voices and came out of the study “Let them be Nita.”

For five minutes Adam listened to his children and answered their questions. Then almost blindly he got to his feet, promising them they could see Mummy tomorrow if they were good, before taking refuge in his study. Joe motioned Nita to take care of the children and moved to help his brother into a chair. Then he poured a brandy and slowly fed it to his brother. Adam had shut his eyes and was trembling. Slowly as he drank the brandy Adam got control of himself. He had needed to know that his children were all right bur the comparison of those three bouncy healthy exuberant children made it seem so impossible that Anne would ever be as strong. Joe could understand his fears and with no certainty that the baby would survive he didn’t know how to help, except by staying close. Joe hoped that his brother would break down let some of the tension out but Adam couldn’t, not yet, he was only too aware of the long fight ahead. After a few minutes Adam pulled away from his brother and stiffly made his way back upstairs to take his daughter back.

Overnight Adam consented to lie down again but he could only doze for an hour or less before the baby needed attention, so he got little rest. Hoss and Joe split the night between them again but, although sure that Adam needed a long sleep, neither would nor could force him to take the drugs, which were the only way to ensure it. The baby was holding on but she seemed so frighteningly weak, her very breathing still uncertain, that they couldn’t risk separating her from her father.

When Doc reappeared he was pleased with Carole’s progress but he warned Joe and Hoss that their brother was driving himself dangerously hard, with nowhere near enough rest. The baby was just holding her own but it was still very long odds against her surviving any length of time, he was surprised she was still alive. There was nothing he could do to help and with Adam ignoring his advice there was little point in him coming out to the ranch. If anything changed they could call for him. Hoss frowned “Adam don’t mean to be rude, Doc.”

“I’m not blaming him Hoss. It’s a miracle he’s still on his feet and noone will be better pleased than me if he proves me wrong. It’s just that there’s nothing I can do.”

Joe smiled “You’ve done your part Doc. Carole’s going to be fine and maybe Adam can do the rest.”

“Anytime I can help Joe, just call.” Paul smiled at the younger brothers before heading back to town with a heartfelt prayer that this time he’d be proved wrong.

That day set the pattern for the next week as Carole very slowly began to recover some strength. Adam spent all day with her letting her hold the baby when she wanted but he fed and changed Anne about every ninety minutes, slowly with infinite patience persuading the baby to drink the milk Sue had collected from Carole. At night he had his bed in the next room with the door open so he’d hear if Carole wanted anything and he kept Anne with him feeding her on the same schedule, getting what sleep he could in short dozes. He ate reasonably, as much to reassure Carole as because he wanted the food but he barely tasted anything and he was still very pale and drawn. Seeing how harassed his little brother was he had insisted on coping with some of the legal queries as he sat by Carole. Too tired to think very clearly he was slow, at times having problems focusing, but it did at least relieve for a few minutes the ever present fear that his daughter would give up the fight.

Hoss and Joe had decided independently that unless their brother showed signs of total collapse they could help best by letting him to as he wanted and giving him what support they could. They had the ranch to run as well and the stream of problems emanating from town showed no sign of slowing. Neither Sue nor Nita really approved, Adam was so obviously ill and each had tried to persuade their husband to act without success, so they gave way helping where they could. Hoss and Joe looked little better than their brother, tormented by nightmares when they finally got to bed. Hoss had had to go up to the lumber camp. Much as he hated leaving the house, but it could be weeks before they were sure what was happening. The only way the uncertainty could be resolved rapidly was in tragedy and that was the last thing any of them wanted. Despite his best efforts Hoss finally had to admit that he would have to stay overnight, too many things had had to be left with Joe busy, even before the baby arrived. At least with the telegraph Hoss was able to contact the house and Hop Sing got back to reassure him that nothing had changed at home. The men had heard of the trouble but word had also spread that Carole was going to be all right and although they could understand the Cartwrights’ concern over her, few of them understood Hoss’ fears for the baby or for his brother. Mainly bachelors, probably the roughest crew on the ranch they didn’t know anything about babies. They were surprised at how quiet and worried Hoss was, he ought to be celebrating, however the big man was very popular and noone took exception to his mood, leaving him alone as he obviously wanted. Hoss worked late into the evening and unable to settle spent most of the night clearing some of the paperwork. He was worried about Adam and the baby, but almost equally about Sue. Their child was due soon after Carole’s on initial dates and although one premature birth didn’t make another more likely Hoss couldn’t help being scared. Tormented by nightmares, he was well overtired, his redhead more important to him than he’d ever dreamt, even when he married her.

As soon as it was light Hoss finished off the outstanding work and not even bothering with breakfast he headed on home. He took the rest of the paperwork to deal with at the house, knowing he had to take over from his little brother, as Joe had to go to town.

Joe knew that his big brother was aiming to be back early but even so he was surprised just how early Hoss arrived. As Hoss took off his gunbelt, he asked “Where’s Sue?”

Joe considered his brother, who looked very tired and drawn, “Up with Adam and Carole. Did you get any sleep Hoss?”

“Not much.” Hoss admitted, “Haven’t eaten yet, still the lumber camp can keep going for another week, up on schedule.”

“Go up, see them. I’ll collect you some grub.”

“How’s the baby? Adam?”

“No change and Sue’s fine. Go on big brother.”

Hoss went slowly upstairs, trying to hide his tiredness and he’d managed quite well by the time he went in. Carole was sitting up in bed, still too weak to leave it or to stay awake for very long but she had only been awake for half an hour and had eaten her breakfast. She was looking much more herself, a little colour back in her cheeks and she was holding her baby daughter. Hoss smiled freely and then took Sue into his arms, relieved that she looked fine too “You’re looking a whole lot better Carole.”

“I feel it thanks Hoss. Good to have you back. Everything alright?”

“Yeah, the lumber camp is running smoothly, fine for a week.” Hoss considered his brother, who hadn’t spoken yet. Adam looked very tired and drawn, his eyes bloodshot, a grey tinge to his skin and lines of worry and pain etched deep on his face, but for now he was reasonably at peace. He was hardly able to take his eyes off his wife and child, neither the papers on his lap, nor his brother standing much chance. Feeling his brother’s gaze on him Adam looked up and smiled “Why don’t you take Sue downstairs, get some food. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay brother, you just take it real easy.”

“I’m fine.” Adam insisted “You might ask Kam Su to bring up some fresh coffee.” As Hoss went out with Sue, Carole frowned “You look worn out Adam.” It was only over the last day or so that she had been strong enough to take in anything but now she realised the state he was in and remembered how ill he had been. She still didn’t know how long she had been in bed and although the baby was still weak and tiny she had accepted her husband’s confidence with no real idea of the odds against Anne’s survival, still all too long. She was slightly worried that the baby wasn’t strong enough to suckle but Sue had been reassuring it was only a matter of time and Adam was adept at feeding the baby. Carole had tried but she was still too weak to have sufficient control over her muscles and she’d been glad to let Adam carry on. She knew how frequently Adam fed the child during the day but hadn’t even thought about the night until now. She asked “How do you manage at night Adam? Who has Anne?”

“She stays with me, we share the bed next door.” Adam managed a grin “She doesn’t filch as much of the bedclothes as you do.”

Carole shook her head “How much sleep are you getting?”

“Enough.”

“Well it doesn’t look like it! You weren’t fit to start with Adam, you’re making yourself ill.”

Adam lent over the bed and kissed her, “You aren’t to worry about me darling. I’m fine, my back’s about given up bothering me now. Sure I am a bit tired but have you looked at Hoss and Joe? Busy time of the year and unpredictable children don’t help but we’re getting on top of it.”

“You can’t go on....” Adam stopped her again with a kiss and he grinned “Darling I have everything I’ve every wanted, you, two boys and two girls, the most wonderful family any man was ever blessed with, on all sides and you are beginning to recover now. I can do anything. I love you.”

Carole relaxed at that and very sleepy she let him take Anne and slipped back into sleep. Adam fed the baby and then with her settled back in the crook of his arm he tried to concentrate on the papers and he was working on, he hadn’t been lying to Carole, they were busy and he was well aware of how tired and harassed his brothers were. He had to try and help although he was too tired to be efficient.

A few minutes later Joe looked in and almost apologetically said that he had to go to town collect some money and sort out a few of the worst problems, even supplies had been hit by business collapses. Adam nodded “Try not to work too hard.”

“Hoss is here and Jess, they’ll keep things moving but it may be quite late before I get back.”

“Go on Joe, we’re fine and we still have a ranch to run,” As his brother still hesitated Adam said, “Sooner you get going, sooner you’ll be back.”

Joe nodded and went down to collect the papers he needed while Jess saddled Cochise for him. Joe kissed Nita, trusting her to look after things. They had temporarily moved into Adam’s house as had Hoss and Sue, it made things easier with the children to look after as well.

Joe made the best time he could for town, he’d had several telegrams from his father but so far he and Hoss had decided not to worry Ben with news of the premature birth. Joe didn’t like not telling his father but there was nothing that Ben could do, the negotiations had to be completed and for another fortnight he would be stuck in San Francisco. There seemed little point in worrying him with the uncertainty of Anne’s survival.

Joe started at the Bank arranging to pick up the cash later and then he began to try and clear his list of jobs. He’d been in touch with his father and let him know what shares they had bought and Ben had reciprocated. With stock even jumpier in Virginia City than in San Francisco where the big names were moving in to corner their profits, Ben told his sons to move on up to another million, that had to be arranged and all too many formalities dealt with, although they weren’t registering the shares yet. Joe passed off quickly questions about his brother; Adam was coping, Carole recovering slowly. For now Joe concentrated on work joining Fair and Mackay for a working lunch with too many problems affecting the mines or the bank which needed their attention. Joe wasn’t hungry, overtired and worried he was only toying with his food and pushed his plate away barely touched, asking for a brandy as the waiter took it. Mackay considered him anxiously, he was fond of all the Cartwrights even if at times he got carried along by Fair and Flood into things they disapproved of, “You okay Joe? You look exhausted.”

“It hasn’t been easy the last weeks. Pa’s in San Francisco and Adam otherwise occupied, Hoss and I have been very busy.”

Fair frowned “I thought Carole was getting better.”

“She is but slowly and Adam has the children too, apart from being nowhere near fit himself. Anyway that’s our problem, can we clear this lot.” Joe forced himself to concentrate and cleared most of it, two points he just didn’t know. “I’ll have to check these with Adam, get back to you I’m not sure.” Joe yawned widely as he packed up the mass of papers. “Is that the lot?”

Fair nodded and begrudgingly said “You’ve done a good job Little Joe, getting more like your brother. Give him our regards will you.”

Joe knew how hard it was for Fair to go that far, they had never got on and although still furious at what they had done he accepted the olive branch knowing they had to work together. He offered his hand almost formally to both Irishmen before heading back to John Marye’s to arrange for the next purchase of stock. By the time he’d seen Roy Naylor as well and several of the small businesses causing supply problems to say nothing of the people who had sent cries for help out to the ranch, it was nearly nine. Joe couldn’t face food, near exhaustion himself and after sending a long telegram to his father he went for a beer before heading home. As he’d obviously been very busy, rushing from one meeting to another, his friends hadn’t bothered him even though they were anxious for news. Seeing him ordering beer, Dan came over, “Join us in the corner Joe?”

Joe looked over and saw Doc and the sheriff at a table, “Sure I want a word with Doc anyway.” Joe was glad to sit down and he drank half his beer before leaning back and considering the three men, all friends of his family that he had known nearly all his life. He rubbed his aching eyes and Dan frowned “You look exhausted Joe.”

“Been busy.” Joe sipped his beer as Doc asked “How are things going Joe?”

“I’d be grateful if you’d come out in the next day or so and tell us, check Nita and Sue.” Joe straightened up “I just don’t know Doc. Carole is stronger but its taking a long time, she still sleeps most of the time.”

“Best thing for her. She’ll be fine although it would be sensible to wait a while before she has anymore, she’s had five pregnancies close together, including that miscarriage.”
Joe sighed “I think if Adam has his way that will be the last. Hoss said that he heard Adam say never again. Carole sometimes had a will of her own but that’s in the future. May depend on Anne.”

“How is the baby?”

“Alive. Sue says she’s a little stronger and that she’s doing very well not to lose weight but I can’t see much change. Adam seems so sure that she’ll be alright, I just pray he’s not fooling himself.”

Doc was quiet for a minute and then he met Joe’s eye, “Even if I come out I probably won’t be able to tell you anything. I didn’t think that baby had a chance to survive this long.”

“Adam’s too damned obstinate and she seems to be a fighter. Only thing that scares me is just how long he can carry on if she don’t start making it on her own. None else can feed her, not even Carole or Sue, she’ll only take it from Adam and she’ll only sleep in his arms. He’s been feeding her every hour and a half and it takes more than half an hour, day and night.”
Dan frowned “When is he sleeping?”

“Dozing on the bed with her next to him for an hour at most before he had has to get up and see to her again.” Joe drained his beer “If you think I look exhausted, you should see Adam and he wasn’t fit to start.”

Roy asked “Why don’t you take her away give him a decent night’s rest?”

“Because he wouldn’t rest without drugs which he won’t take and because her hold on life is so precarious we’re scared she’ll slip away while he sleeps.”

Doc frowned “I told you he isn’t up to this Joe.”

“I know but he’s eating reasonably, even doing some work and just insisted that he’s not a child and it has to be his decision. I don’t think he’s going to collapse and although I know he’s making himself ill again he is keeping her alive. I can’t go against him Doc.” Roy slipped away and got Joe a brandy, very worried about his friends, “Here Joe you look as though you could do with this.”

Joe took it willingly “Thanks, I’m afraid I’ve been drinking too many of these but it does help. Funny I’ve often known Adam to keep going on coffee and brandy but this time he’s barely touched it and he is being sensible by his own lights, forcing down food although I know he doesn’t want it.” Joe sighed heavily and Dan asked “Just who are you scared for Joe?”

Joe grinned sheepishly, “Must be overtired I guess. Just about everyone Dan, the baby, Adam, the effect on Carole, Nita and Sue even Hoss and myself. I’ll be glad when Pa gets home.” He pulled himself to his feet “I must get home.”

Doc said “If Adam won’t take those pills Little Joe you take two when you get in. Whatever he needs, you need eight hours sleep. I’ll be out midmorning and for once it would be nice if one Cartwright did as he was told. You’ll get on faster if you are rested and Nita won’t be so worried about you.”
Joe knew Doc was being sensible and forced a smile “I think I might just do that. Sorry to be such a misery, it’ll all work out I guess.” The three older men watched him wend his way out of the saloon, his shoulders straightened with an effort, not wanting the world to know how he felt. Roy sighed “Poor old Adam, all happens to him.”

Doc, still watching Joe, said “At least he has a wife and three other children. Joe was left with nothing, I just pray Nita’s okay, looks fine so far but you can never be sure.”

Doc was out early the next day to find Joe looking much better having followed his advice and rather apologetic about his performance in the saloon the previ0us night. Doc ignored that and as Carole was dozing he started with Sue and Nita. There at least he could reassure both brothers everything was perfectly normal. Joe had to get on and Hoss went back upstairs with Doc, the big man looked tired and Doc told him to follow his brother’s example and get a decent night’s sleep. Hoss promised to think about it and then led the way into Carole’s room. As she was still asleep Hoss stayed with her while Adam took the baby into the next room for Doc to have a look. For the first time Doc saw her eyes as she stared at him in distrust, not liking her removal from her father and she whimpered softly. She wasn’t as red as when she’d been born, in fact almost alarmingly waxen and bloodless. She was not quite as shrivelled looking round her face but the tiny limbs still looked wasted and out of proportion, the pulse still too faint and weak to measure. Unable to tell very much Doc wrapped her up again and passed her back to Adam where, in familiar arms, she almost instantly fell asleep. Adam sat down on the bed and did his best to answer Doc’s questions. He was slow to answer as it took time to sort out his thoughts as he tried to be accurate, He was sure that the baby was stronger than she had been, breathing with less trouble but still too weak to suck although taking food from him with less argument almost willingly and a little more at an individual feed, although still waking for the next feed as soon. Doc sat down next to Adam and keeping his voice down just in case Carole woke. “No guarantees Adam it may be a month before we can say she had the same sort of chance as a normal baby and all too many of them die in the first year, but she is stronger. I don’t know how you’ve kept her alive this long but you have and she has a better chance than she had a week ago.”

“She’ll make it, I won’t let her die.”

Doc frowned, “Adam will you listen to me.” He waited until Adam met his eye, “So far you have proved me wrong and noone is more delighted than I am, but you know just how much you have paid to do it. You’re so exhausted you can’t even think clearly and by all normal rules you’d have collapsed days ago, you weren’t fit to start with. I can understand how you feel and why your brothers won’t stop you but just remember that Carole needs you even more than she needs this child.”

“I’m all right.”

“Don’t lie to me Adam and more importantly don’t lie to yourself. You must consider your own health,” Doc sighed as Adam looked down at the child cutting him off but he had one more thing that had to be said. “Adam please.” He gripped Adam’s arm and slowly Adam looked up “I know how much it mean to you to keep this baby alive, but the odds are still against you, even now. Please face facts Adam.”

“What do you want me to do, give up? “ asked Adam in rising anger.

“Of course not, you couldn’t, just be prepared and if she dies don’t blame yourself. You have already done more than any other man I know could have done at one hell of a cost to yourself.”

“She won’t” Adam held her closer as though the very suggestion threatened his daughter.
“I pray she won’t, but if your strength gives out, what chance will she have? At least get someone to take her for one feed occasionally, get three hours sleep instead of one. Even if she doesn’t feed properly the risk is less than if you collapse.”

Adam frowned, trying to think that out but he wasn’t sure, begrudgingly he promised to think about it. Just then Carole woke up and Hoss called them through and then went back down. Doc was pleased with her progress and didn’t let her see his fears for her child but he did try to reassure her about Adam. He told her to sleep all she could and in another few days she would find she was regaining her strength more rapidly. Adam listened in silence and then turned his attention back to feeding Anne, Doc watched for a minute marvelling at his patience and the went down to join the younger brothers. They were waiting anxiously for his verdict but Doc couldn’t help much. It was outside his realm of experience, apart from Carole. There he was confident that she would recover fully but the baby had no right to be alive still she was and Sue was right she was a little stronger. As for their brother Doc didn’t know how he was keeping going well as he knew Adam’s basic strength. He again suggested that they persuade Adam to let one of them have Anne just for one feed, short dozes weren’t enough, neither was three hours but it would help a little.

Sue went out with Doc, wondering if he’d been truthful but Doc shrugged “Beyond me, not for the first time. Adam is a strange man and the funny thing is that the only other men I know who would have attempted what he’s doing are his brothers. Maybe it’s Ben who is so unusual. Call if you need me Sue, any change.”

“Thanks Doc.”

“Only wish I could do more, but it’s out of the realms of doctoring, up to Adam and God.”
Somehow they got through the next few days. Joe was getting overwhelmed with work and not managing very much more sleep than his eldest brother. All too often the scant hours he could spare were disturbed by nightmares and only Nita could calm him, as the fears for her which he thought he’d buried remerged in full force. Carole’s narrow escape bringing back all too vivid memories of Marie’s death, Some of the problems thrown up in the wake of the Bank’s collapse were just about beyond Joe but apart from a few legal queries he wouldn’t bother Adam just doing the best he could with what advice Hoss, Nita and Sue could give him. Hoss rode out most days trying to keep things moving and spent his evenings helping Joe but the work was still piling up, Hoss too was tormented by nightmares and he had always needed more sleep than his brothers, Sue sometimes thought her big husband looked worse than Adam. Hoss was steadily losing weight, which probably was a good thing but it made him look very drawn. Even Sue and Nita looked tired although they had conceded defeat and went to bed earlier than their husbands, knowing how worried the brothers were and not wanting to risk their babies.

Carole was slowly gaining strength although she wasn’t up to leaving her bed yet. Awake longer she was able to help a little more with Anne but the baby was opinionated, hating anyone but her familiar father to feed her and still refusing to suck. The one attempt to feed her in Adam’s absence had been nearly disastrous. Her breathing had become so erratic that Sue was about to go and call Adam when he appeared. Even in his sleep he’d known that something was wrong and come to find his daughter. Back in his arms Anne had calmed down and taken some food but Sue and Hoss knew how close they had come to losing her and made no more attempts to stop Adam doing what he wanted.

Carole was glad to see her older children and sat cuddling Anne and talking to the twins and Marie while Adam worked by the bed, close if he was needed. Adam couldn’t do very much, so tired it was hard to focus and although his brain worked it took a long time to work things out logically. Joe passed over the bare minimum but he couldn’t hide how pushed he was or his own exhaustion and Adam knew the ranch too well and he collected papers to work on in the few minutes he left Carole’s side. He was past tiredness, in some strange way he felt as though he could carry on forever. His eyes felt as though they were full of grit but sometimes in the odd hour he could lie down with the baby asleep by him, although he closed his eyes to ease them he couldn’t sleep, floating not really part of the tired aching body. He did his best to hide his exhaustion from Carole and as day after day slipped past she tended to accept his state, still too weak to worry, everything rather moving over her head.

The other four made up for her lack of worry, very scared for Adam but not knowing what to do about it. They had all accepted that he’d cope until either the baby died or was strong enough to have a good chance of survival in his own opinion. Then noone could predict what would happen, but they were all worried Adam would finally collapse. As Joe said Adam seemed to be going through the days automatically, doing what had to be done, unaware of anything but Anne and Carole, only reacting to anything else after a long pause, past exhaustion, only his iron will was keeping him going. The only moments he looked or acted anything like himself were the minutes he spared for his three older children. They were missing their mother and although seeing her every day Sue and Nita wouldn’t let them stay long as they tired her rapidly. At least twice every day Adam left everything and went downstairs to spend ten minutes with them. At first his family hovered close by but far from tiring him, in some strange way Adam seemed to draw strength from them. He didn’t even care if one of the twins hurt his scarred back. They all came to the conclusion Adam needed the children more than they needed him and in his strange mood he was oblivious of pain. Adam was dimly aware that his brothers were worried about him but he couldn’t explain how he felt, he just knew that he could carry on as long as was needed.

Hoss and Joe were finding it increasingly difficult to cope and Adam’s mood was almost contagious. It was as though time had lost all meaning, each day like the day before brought problems which they tried to deal with, but at least Anne had survived one more day. None of them could have said what day of the week it was or what the date was. Adam was planning ahead as best he could, he couldn’t continue feeding the baby forever with a pipette and he had Hoss collect some bottles and a supply of teats on one of his visits to town. Hoss dealt with as many of the formalities as he could and collected money and supplies but with so much to do he didn’t even bother with a beer, he’d had some coffee in John’s office and that would have to suffice. Hoss was just about to leave town when a wad of telegrams were brought over to him. Hoss took them cursing to himself, but there was no point in leaving town before he read them, in case something needed an answer. He couldn’t face the noise in the saloon and slipped into Roy’s office. Both the sheriff and Dan were there but as he looked so tired neither of them pressed the big man when he asked for a few minute peace and quiet to read his mail. Roy brought him some coffee and Hoss took it gratefully, seeing the question in the older man’s eyes he said, “No change at home, we’re all surviving, just a mite tired.” Then he concentrated on the mail. Several were just confirmations of orders or arrangements; two meant nothing at all to him and two he put on one side to answer before going home and then stopped dead at one from his father, announcing his return home. He would be arriving in three days, a full week earlier than they’d expected but Ben reported success on all fronts. Hoss wanted his father home, maybe he could help Adam and he’d certainly help Joe but he hoped Ben hadn’t pushed too hard and overdone things because he was due for a hell of a shock when he arrived and Hoss wasn’t looking forward to breaking the news to him. It had seemed sensible not to worry his father at the time but he wasn’t at all sure how Ben was going to take it. After a few minutes Hoss packed up his papers, went to send off the necessary replies and then headed on home. Hoss decided to discuss their father’s return with Joe before telling Adam. Joe was worried that his father had overdone things to get through so fast but he was very glad of the return, maybe they could break the feeling of sinking into a mire of paperwork with Ben’s help. When he took up trays for Adam and Carole, Joe told them about Ben’s telegram. Carole was pleased knowing her father-in-law would help Adam and his brothers, more conscious of how tired Hoss and Joe were than she was of Adam as he was there all the time. Joe wasn’t even sure if Adam had heard him and he repeated it but Adam just said “I heard you the first time Joe.” He had no reaction at all, seemingly only concerned with feeding Anne. He was using a bottle for the first time but with a large hole in the teat to make it easy for her. Even so his daughter didn’t approve at all but Adam was encouraged by the way she let him know her displeasure. Her cries were still weak compared to his other children but sounded much stronger than her initial wails. Adam was determined to get her onto a reasonable schedule eventually where Carole could feed her and so he persevered. So far he had been very grateful that she was fighter giving him a chance to keep her alive but with the bottle she seemed to be setting her will against him, barely taking enough to stay alive and then demanding more just a few minutes later. That night Adam didn’t even bother to lie down, just occasionally closing his eyes to ease them as he fought to get the food down her but she had to accept the bottle and he wouldn’t go back to the pipette, estimating that she was strong enough to go a little short of food and rest, if she was strong enough to fight him.

At breakfast for almost the first time Adam couldn’t face any food at all and left his tray untouched apart from the coffee but he had a grudging acceptance of the bottle from Anne. She made up some of the lost food, taking more in one meal than she had so far, before falling asleep replete on his shoulder. Once Carole had finished her own food Adam passed her the sleeping baby and went downstairs and for the first time since Carole started in labour he went outside, Hoss had already left for the sawmill but Joe seeing his brother go out hurried after him. Adam lent on the corral fence, the air cool in the early morning, fresh with the tang of autumn made him feel dizzy. Joe joined him, if anything Adam looked more exhausted than ever but the expression in his eyes as he turned to Joe was very peaceful. Joe searched his brother’s face somehow despite his exhaustion Adam looked more himself and slowly he smiled “She’s an obstinate little mite Joe but she’s going to make it.”

Adam had never acknowledged that there were any doubts but in his head he’d always known the odds against him. Now for the first time he was sure, it would still be a long fight to build up her strength and for a while yet she would need him but he was confident of the final outcome. Joe read that confidence in Adam’s eyes and he’d never known his brother to be wrong when he looked like that so he grinned broadly “Thank God.” He felt as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders and Adam could see that his brother believed him. He put his arm round Joe’s shoulders, glad of the support both physical and moral and Joe’s warmth. For several minutes they stared up at the mountains lost in their own thoughts, saying their own prayers of thanks and then needing Joe’s help Adam went back in. He still couldn’t face food but did for once have recourse to the brandy, before returning upstairs to try and clear some work, ignoring Joe’s suggestion of a nap.

Anne slept for nearly two hours before waking for more food, accepting the bottle with only a token protest and even accepted her mother feeding her later in the day. Adam got a little more sleep that night but seemed to feel worse for it. He started to decrease the size of the hole so that his daughter had to work for the food and had a furious daughter on his hands again. Preoccupied with the fight he was having with his daughter Adam had completely forgotten that his father was coming home early.

In fact Ben had found that once the initial shock was over he had been able to make fast progress arranging what he wanted. Slowly men were realising that they would have to plan for the future again but very few seemed to have a clear idea of what they needed. Ben was in a minority knowing exactly what he wanted to achieve and many turned to him almost relief a touch of sanity. He found that his negotiations went more smoothly than he’d ever known and he got exactly what he wanted on better terms than he’d expected. Ben had had his nephew’s help as Will’s business hadn’t yet begun to pick up and they had made all the necessary arrangements. Keeping in close touch with his sons Ben had bought shares as they’d arranged and had invested ten thousand dollars in his nephew’s name, choosing stocks he was confident about, which would bounce back fairly quickly. He had also made arrangements for Will to be able to draw on cash if he needed it. Will had protested but Ben wouldn’t listen, it was scant thanks for all the help and home comforts he’d had both this visit and on many others. All of them had come to rely on Will and Laura in San Francisco.
Ben hadn’t been surprised to hear just from Joe while he’d been away, guessing that his brothers would do their best to keep Adam from town until his back had had a chance to harden off. Even so on the train home he found himself thinking anxiously about his eldest son. He had taken full advantage of people’s willingness to push on in San Francisco, eager to get home and despite the smoothness of the negotiations he had had to work long and hard and still low on stamina he’d gone to sleep as soon as he got to bed. Only now did he have time to think about his family and he couldn’t help worrying about Adam, feeling that there was something wrong but trying to ignore the feeling. He put it down to having had to leave his son while he was nowhere near fit.

Hoss and Joe had argued over who was to meet their father from the train. Obviously one of them had to and neither really wanted the job of telling their father what had been happening in his absence but neither did they want to inflict it on each other. Hoss was supposed to be going up to the lumber camp but he insisted that they would have to wait; they couldn’t both leave the house at the same time. Joe was equally insistent that the lumber camp couldn’t be left any longer, the figures sent down from it over the last few days had made no sense at all, someone had to go and see what was happening. It wouldn’t take long to go to town and get back and nothing was likely to happen in the three or four hours that they would both be away. Hoss was about to tell Joe to go to the lumber camp himself if he was that bothered when for some reason Joe’s drawn face and bloodshot eyes struck him anew. Hoss sighed heavily before asking gently “Are you that keen to tell Pa?”

“You know I’m not. Not that he’s really going to understand until he sees Adam, but probably of all of us I’ll shock him least.”

“Oh yeah! You look whacked.”

“Pa’s seen me tired before. Have you tried looking in a mirror? You must have lost pounds over the last few weeks. Anyway we must sort out the lumber camp. If you set out early and can make sense of it, you can be back about the same time Pa and I get home.”

“Don’t like leaving you to tell Pa.”

“It’s not gonna make much difference who tells him or how and anyway look on the bright side. It’s not bad news; Carole is on the mend and Adam’s certain the baby will make it.”

Hoss shook his head doubtfully but Sue had overheard and came over to grip her big husband’s shoulders, “I think Adam’s right. She’s still very small and vulnerable but she’s sucking now and taking good meals. No trouble with her breathing for days and she even kicks around a little now. I think she’s going to survive.”

Hoss frowned turning to look at her, wondering if she really meant it or was she just trying to cheer them up, what he saw in her eyes reassured him and he smiled, “I pray you’re right my love. Okay Joe you go and get Pa. I’ll aim to be back as soon as I can.”

Adam had got Carole to try feeding the baby directly now that Anne was sucking well on a bottle. At first Anne kept pulling away and cried out her protest but as her father talked to her and insisted that Carole persevere, slowly the baby accepted it. On the morning as Joe went to fetch his father Anne turned eagerly to the breast to Carole’s delight. Adam had been up all night again with the baby, Carole was still too weak to have her night’s rest disturbed and didn’t have sufficient milk to supply all Anne’s needs. Carole had fed the baby at nine and then let her husband take the child. Still fighting her parents Anne hadn’t fed properly and she was restless. Adam had walked the floor with his daughter but even after a bottle later she didn’t settle only dozing restlessly. Adam hadn’t even closed his eyes, in some strange way the longer he went without sleep the less he seemed to need. He had sufficient grasp of reality to know that he couldn’t keep going; as Anne began to nurse normally his own responsibility for her lessened and Carole much stronger could begin to do more. Confident of his daughter’s survival he knew that he had to get back to normal, leave the strange mood he’d been in seemingly forever. He had seen his brothers’ fear that when he did he would collapse ad he wasn’t at all sure that they were wrong. For now the tired pain wracked body wasn’t really anything to do with him, but he’d have to acknowledge its demand eventually. He couldn’t think straight and for now he pushed the thoughts away, concentrating on his daughter, not even remembering that his father was coming home.

Joe hadn’t had much sleep either, trying until late to get some semblance of order in the paperwork without much effect. Even when he went to bed he tossed and turned, trying to work out how best to tell his father, wanting so much to get a reasonable night’s sleep so that he at least wouldn’t worry Ben. Trying too hard had the inevitable effect and he barely slept at all. Nita had a disturbed night too but she bit back the sarcastic comments that came to mind and just made sure that Joe relaxed with some coffee and ate a reasonable breakfast. Hoss had already headed up to the lumber camp in the early hours and Joe didn’t bother Adam. He headed into town intent on sorting out some of the outstanding jobs while he was there. Joe headed down to the station from John Marye’s with a stack of papers on the latest stock position. Joe had answered questions, made decisions, but he couldn’t remember any of it, his thoughts with his father. Joe had both Buck and Cochise in tow and it took time to edge his way across to the station. The crowds seemed even worse since the crash, so many aimless men just milling around. Joe could hear the train by the time he arrived and tying up the horses, he put his papers in Cochise’s saddlebag and then moved forward to meet his father trying to hide his tiredness and worry.

Ben wasn’t sure whether any of his sons or even one of the hands would be there to meet him. He could always hire a horse from the livery stable and if they were busy his sons would know that. Even so he was searching the platform for sight of them as the train drew in; uneasy about Adam and knowing how pushed they must have been if conditions at home had been anything like as bad as they were in California, which was almost inevitable. He saw Joe standing near the exit and collecting his bag and two document cases Ben was one of the first off the train. He pushed over to his son, grinning broadly, it had been quite long enough and he was glad to see one of his sons. Joe forced a welcoming grin but it was too obviously forced and Ben stopped dead as he took in the grey tinge of exhaustion the worry in Joe’s eyes. Joe reached out taking the heavy document cases, “It’s alright Pa. Buck’s just outside, shall we get on home.”

Ben frowned, if he’d been worried before he was scared now but Joe was right, they couldn’t talk there and wordlessly he followed his son to the horses. Joe tried to reassure him “Everything is all right Pa. I’ll explain in a minute.”

“You’re exhausted.”

“Not the first time. I’m very glad you’re back it’s been a bit chaotic. You look fine, successful trip?”

Ben nodded “I’m fine, good thing from the look of you.” Then he concentrated on edging Buck through the crowded street. He had expected Joe to try and carry more than his share with his eldest brother unfit but even with the market collapse Joe shouldn’t have been that pushed, unless Adam wasn’t helping at all, maybe he’d had a relapse. On that thought Ben looked up “Is Adam worse?”

Joe wasn’t surprised at the question and evaded it “Healing just fine Pa, his back’s about given up worrying him I think. Just let’s get out of this crowd and I’ll explain.”

About the same time that Ben and Joe were edging out of town, Hoss was leaving the lumber camp. It had taken longer than he’d hoped to sort things out and even now he was leaving a lot of detail unresolved and someone would have to come up again in a few days but Hoss needed to see his father, worried how he would react and the effect on Adam. In addition Hoss was very worried about the herd. As usual José was handling the trail branding with Stevens’ help but although the reports were of reasonable conditions along the trail, it was the biggest herd they had ever sent. It wasn’t fair to ask José to take the responsibility, one of them had to go along. Normally Hoss handled the drive but it would mean at least four weeks away and would bring him dangerously close to Sue’s due date. Hoss hated the idea of being away at this time but there wasn’t anyway to avoid it. The rough trail drive was too much for his father and Joe was in the same position as he was. Whatever his own fears Hoss wouldn’t ask Joe to leave Nita, his younger brother had lived through hell once and he knew Joe had all his own fears, inextricably mixed up with painful memories. Anyway Joe was needed more at the ranch, he could help their father with the paperwork or Ben would be getting into the same state Joe was now and he wasn’t up to that. Hoss feared that when Adam finally gave way he might collapse and need a week or more in bed to recover. One reason he wanted to get back now was the fear that their father’s return might trigger the collapse. He knew that he wouldn’t be in time if Joe took their Pa straight home but guessed that his little brother would probably stop on the way to explain and that could take a long time.

Joe had done exactly that and almost as soon as they reached their own land he pulled off the road into a small glade and began making a fire setting coffee onto heat. Ben watched his youngest son, deliberately avoiding his eye and he could see the tension in him but he waited until Joe sat back on his heels. Joe tried a grin but it didn’t work, “It’s alright Pa.”

“You keep saying that son I think its time to explain.”

“Simple really. Carole has had her baby, a little girl very premature, even for her time. Doc reckoned she was never fed properly after that threatened miscarriage, the placenta was all broken up. Adam called her Anne and they are both going to be just fine.”

Ben stared at his son trying to take that in, assuming the birth had been in the last day or so and that was the reason for Joe’s exhaustion. After a minute Ben grinned delightedly, “Everything is alright then. How did Adam cope? I wish I’d been here.”

Joe knew what his father was thinking and he moved over next to him “Pa, the baby was born more than a fortnight ago, the 30th August to be precise. There didn’t seem to be much point in worrying you in San Francisco when there was so little any of us could do.”
Ben searched his son’s eyes, “Go on Joseph.”

“I was in town, Hoss on the west shore, luckily Sue had stayed home and she sent word. It was a breech birth, Doc tried to turn the baby without success. It took more than twenty four hours and by the time Anne was born Carole was unconscious and haemorrhaging. At first we all thought it was a still birth but after I don’t know how long it seemed an eternity, she cried, low weak pathetic little wail but at least she was breathing. Dan had to tell Adam the truth, he wasn’t offering any guarantees for either of them. He had done all he could and now it was up to their own strength and to God. I tied him down later, he gave Carole a 50-50 chance because he knew her strength, the baby maybe 1 in 10 and two days later he said that was optimistic, he didn’t think the baby could live.”

Joe saw the horror grow in his father’s eyes as he spoke and he reached out to grip Ben’s arm, “Doc was wrong Carole’s recovering well and the baby is going to be fine. Adam’s sure and even Sue believes it now, she said so last night.”

“Adam?” Ben knew how weak and ill his son had been and he knew how hard Adam took childbirth.

Joe sighed “He looked terrible when Doc and I first arrived but he couldn’t leave her and when Doc tried to turn the baby I thought he’d collapse. It looked vicious although Sue insisted it didn’t hurt. I had a job to get him to eat lunch that first day but ever since he’s eaten whenever we’ve taken him food. As she got worse he seemed stronger.”

Ben wasn’t surprised at that, he knew his eldest son’s will power and just how much his wife and child meant to him. Joe went on “Hoss said he saw Adam say ‘never again’ when Anne was finally born. Doc obviously expected him to collapse after he’d warned him about their chances. Adam must have read how slim Doc feared they were. He knows Doc as well as I do, but in fact he pulled away from me, he had been leaning on me stiff and tired. He began issuing orders for broth, milk, a pipette, blankets diapers. He took Anne from Sue and sat down by Carole. He forced them to eat and even himself.”

Joe hesitated, unsure how to explain. “It started then Pa, he’s in a strange mood, I can’t really explain you won’t understand until you see him. One minute you’re talking to him ad he reacts quite normally and the next it’s as though he’s cut off completely and just doesn’t hear you. Whenever we tried to persuade him to rest or let us look after the baby he wouldn’t listen. Doc was really worried, he gave us some tablets to drug him into rest and warned us that Adam was driving himself far beyond normal boundaries, that by all medical knowledge he should have collapsed already and he might even drive himself fatally hard.”

Ben swallowed hard at that “Did you?”

Joe shook his head, “Sue agreed with us he wasn’t quite that bad and I managed to persuade him to lie down and rest by putting his bed up against the wall so he could keep Anne with him. The trouble was she needed feeding every hour and a half and it took him at least half an hour so he was only dozing for an hour. After a week or so Hoss and Sue persuaded him to let them have Anne for just one feed so that he could sleep for three hours. They nearly lost her Pa. She wouldn’t accept them or food from them and her breathing was getting so erratic that Sue was about to call Adam when he came in. Even in his sleep he’d known somehow. After that we didn’t dare do anything else but go along with him, he was keeping her alive. She only really accepts him, just like he did with David against even longer odds. At least he’s eating, not much at any one time but I don’t think he has any idea what time it is and whenever we take up food he’ll manage a little. Adam claims he isn’t tired, that he’s gone beyond tiredness. I don’t know. Even when he reacts to a question it’s sort of slow motion. The only time he looks at all himself is with the other children. He spares a few minutes twice a day for them and I think he needs them, seems to draw strength from them. He’s insisted on taking a few legal queries to work on while he sits by Carole. It takes ten times as long as usual and I think he has a job to focus, still accurate enough.”

“It’s still as bad?”

“He’s been forcing Anne to move onto a bottle and yesterday Carole nursed her for the first time. The baby is stronger but she’s obstinate and as they fight over the bottle I don’t think he’s had any rest the last couple of nights but during the day Carole can do more. Only I can’t get him to leave Carole. He’s almost like a machine Pa, not thinking, just doing what he has to.”

“Has he broken down at all?”

“No I wish he had. Once or twice he’s had fits of trembling but that’s all. He’s only been outside once since this started, when she finally accepted the bottle and for the first time his mind agreed with what his heart had been saying that Anne would survive. Just a couple of days ago. I believed him then, I’ve never known him to be wrong when he’s that sure, He looked more himself, more peaceful.”

Ben got to his feet and paced around; trying to accept what his son had told him. Hopefully the worst was over but he could see the fear lurking in Joe’s eyes and after a couple of minutes he turned back to his son. Joe was sipping coffee trying to relax but he looked up as Ben asked “What are you scared of Joe?”

“I’m not even sure Pa. Too many nightmares I guess, I’m scared for Nita and for Sue and Hoss. Hoss has been worried, and he’s not sleeping well either. He was troubled anyway and it’ll be worse now. He’s losing weight, maybe not a bad thing really but you’ll think he looks very drawn. We’ve done our best to keep things moving but some of it I just don’t know what to do and I can’t bother Adam. We haven’t even arranged about the herd yet. José will have it ready to go out on Tuesday but with such a big herd one of us must go. Sue’s due before Nita so maybe I’d better, I don’t know.”

“Anything else?”

“Adam of course. At some stage he has to give in, maybe with you coming back and Carole better able to cope with Anne, it’ll be now. I think when he finally relaxes he’s going to collapse, maybe need a couple of weeks in bed himself.”

“Does he know I’m coming home today?”

Joe shrugged “I told him but whether he understood? I warned you Pa he’s in a strange mood, sort of cut off from everything except Carol and the baby and their needs. There he has infinite patience and time but for the rest nothing, even his own needs or maybe especially them. Maybe it’s the only way he could have kept going. You won’t understand, not really, not until you see him.”

“Well let’s get on home so that I can.”

Joe pulled himself to his feet but he could see the fear on his father’s face and he put his arm round Ben’s shoulders, “It is alright Pa. maybe Adam will need a week in bed but he’s done it, pulled off that miracle Doc said was needed and he has both Carole and the child that means so much to them, so everything is alright.”

Ben relaxed fractionally “You’re right Joseph at least he had you and Hoss and the girls.”

“There was nothing you could have done Pa, most of the time he’s not even aware of us. We’ve all felt so useless.”

“I doubt that, I’m sure in his own way he’s been relying on all four of you.”

“Maybe.” Joe said doubtfully. “We had the baby christened that first day, just in case, with Sue and Nita as Godmothers and Jess as Godfather. Adam wasn’t in a fit state to decide on anything and Jess was there helping out, keeping track of messages.”

“Good friend anyway, eminently suitable.”

“That’s what I told Jess you’d say, he didn’t think it was fitting. All the men have done so much Pa. Hoss and I couldn’t have coped without their help.”

“Well I can help too now. Let’s go home.”

Hoss had reached the house about ten minutes before them. He had looked in on Adam and Carole and found Carole nursing her daughter. Hoss grinned very broadly, “Mother and daughter doing fine, real pretty sight Carole.” He kissed her forehead and Carole smiled at him, “Is Pa back yet?”

“Anytime, Joe went into town to meet him. He’ll be up to see you and his new granddaughter just as soon as he gets here.”

Adam seemed oblivious of their presence, fighting the mists of pain and tiredness which made it hard to focus as he struggled to make sense of a complicated legal document. He’d glanced up as Hoss came in, but beyond registering that it didn’t mean trouble as Hoss was smiling he’d forgotten almost at once. Hoss decided to leave his brother for a while, until Ben arrived and went in search of coffee and food.

Sue was waiting downstairs with it and Hoss pulled her close for a minute, needing her even more than coffee. He’d barely sat down when he heard horses and excited cries from the twins at their grandfather’s arrival. Ben had to spare a few minutes to placate the excited children and then went in with Joe and Nita. Sue had coffee and brandy waiting but for a moment Ben was only aware of his big son. Even with Joe’s warning Ben was shocked. His youngest son had looked exhausted and worried but he’d seen Joe look the same before when they were rushed off their feet. He had never seen Hoss so drawn and tired except when he was really ill and Joe was right his son must have lost 30 pounds or more. In itself that wasn’t a bad thing Hoss had been getting very heavy but the reasons worried Ben and the speed with which he’d lost it was frightening.

Hoss was very glad to see his father, sure both his brothers needed help and pushing his chair back he came over to Ben and gave him a hug. Ben held him close for a moment and then holding him at arm’s length he scanned his son’s face. Hoss smiled ruefully, “Been quite a month Pa, Joe explained?”

“Yes.”

“Carole was asking for you, reckon she wants to show off her baby, looks almost human now.”

“And Adam?”

“He’s up with them, lost in some legal paper. I’m not sure he knows you’re coming.”
Sue came over “Pa why don’t you have a drink first.”

“Do you think I’ll need it?”

Sue was blunt “I think you might, even if Joe has tried to explain, but they will all be fine.”

“Maybe later Sue.” Ben headed over to the stairs and after glancing at each other the brothers followed him. The three men went in together; Carole had just finished changing the baby and was sitting rocking Anne in her arms. Adam was still bent over the papers on his knee barely even aware of the door opening. It wasn’t until Carole said “Pa.” that he looked up, letting the papers slide to the floor, and considered his father. It took time to penetrate that his father was back from San Francisco and he vaguely remembered someone mentioning it. He hadn’t been expecting Ben but was too exhausted to be surprised. Ben bit his lip as he met his eldest son’s eyes. Adam was pale and drawn, exhaustion clearly marked, he looked ill and there was barely even recognition in his eyes. Ben forced himself to turn to Carole and the child, she at least was pleased to see him. Joe had warned him that Carole had never known the odds against the baby and that she was still too weak to leave her bed. Ben hid the surge of fear that swept over him as he saw his new granddaughter for the first time. To those who had seen her at birth she was much stronger, but for Ben she was still so tiny and weak, her movements so feeble compared to his other grandchildren. For five minutes he talked quietly to Carole and then she glanced at her husband “Pa the baby and I will be fine, we just need a little time to get our strength. Adam’s exhausted, maybe you can talk some sense into him, we’d both needed him so much but now we can manage.”

“You don’t mind if I take him off for a while?”

“Please do Pa.”

“Of course child, the baby is almost asleep, why don’t you join her.”

Hoss went to the top of the stairs and called for Sue to come and stay with Carole and the baby while Ben went round the bed to Adam. Adam had been watching barely comprehending and he made no protest when Ben packed up the papers which remained on his lap and handed them to Joe, he still hadn’t spoken, not even to welcome his father home. Feeling Carole’s anxious gaze on him Adam seemed to start out of his reverie and bending forward he kissed her “Get some rest sweetheart, I must talk to Pa. I won’t be long.”

“We’re fine.”

“Of course.” Adam got stiffly to his feet and as Sue came in he left them willingly knowing the redhead would cope. He walked slowly out onto the landing with his father following him and headed down to his study, ignoring offers of help. Nita had taken the children outside so the four Cartwrights were alone. Joe and Hoss followed their father into the study and without discussion moved over to the window, out of the way but ready if they were needed. Adam was standing looking at the painting of the lake “Your painter is over on the west shore Pa.”

Ben took his arm “Sit down Adam.”

Adam slowly did as he was told and Ben poured two brandies but Adam just sat holding his and Ben didn’t know what to say, how to break through the strange shell Adam had erected. Adam seemed to be looking straight through him, but eventually Adam said, “I’m glad you’re home Pa. Joe needs some help, I haven’t been much use to him.”

Joe had to swallow hard at that and he was glad of Hoss’ comforting arm round his shoulders. Ben gripped Adam’s hand “You’ve more than had your plate full from what I hear, I think its time you told me about it don’t you?”

“Nothing much to tell. I’ve been so very lucky. God is still with us.” Ben waited but Adam seemed to think that covered it and had slipped back into his own thoughts, oblivious of them all. Ben looked round at Hoss and Joe but they just shrugged, they’d got nowhere trying to force Adam to talk. Ben didn’t recognize the look on his son’s face but he knew he had to help somehow. Adam couldn’t carry on as he was and Ben was sure he wouldn’t rest properly until he had talked. He tried questioning Adam but his son just didn’t answer, seemingly unaware of his father’s presence. After five minutes Ben gave up and tried a different tactic. He called Hoss over, “Right carry him up to bed he’s out on his feet.”
Hoss moved forward to do as he was told but that had penetrated to Adam who frowned “I’m alright I must get back to Carole and Anne,”

Hoss hesitated but he couldn’t help the protest, “You ain’t alright Adam.”

Ben took his arm “The baby is fine, she doesn’t need you, not now, neither does Carole, You’ll just worry her. For day’s you’ve only considered them. We can all understand why but now you need to consider yourself. Your brothers wouldn’t drug you but I will unless you talk to me because I don’t believe you’ll sleep naturally until you do talk and one way or another you are going to sleep. Not just for the odd hour, but the clock round, preferably twice.” Ben let a note of anger sound in his voice and Adam at least seemed to take in what he was saying. Slowly Adam drank the brandy he’d been holding and then he met his father’s eye, “I don’t think I can Pa, so confused. I don’t know what I’d have done, not just Hoss and Joe but Nita and Sue. She had to live, cost Carole so much and the memories, those men. It’s over now she can, they can....”Adam’s voice trailed off and he rested his aching head on his hand. Ben wasn’t sure exactly what he meant but he could see comprehension on his other sons’ faces and he would find out later, Forgetting Adam’s injuries he moved closer and took his son in his arms. Adam winced at the pain in his back and tensed against his father for a moment but then admitting to himself what was very obvious to his family that he couldn’t carry on as he had been, he relaxed against his father.
Ben stroked his hair “You’re exhausted Adam,”

“Maybe, I don’t know can’t seem to think. She’s a true Cartwright Pa. A fighter, gave me the chance to help.”

“You’ve done very well Son but now you must rest.”
“Anne.”

“She’s taking a bottle we can manage between us. Isn’t that why you struggled to get her on the bottle?”

“I suppose so.” Adam closed his aching eyes and then for the first time since her birth he admitted to his doubts, “I thought she’d die Pa. I was so scared. Carole didn’t know, I couldn’t let her worry.”

“You said it Adam it’s over they are both going to be fine.”

Adam didn’t answer, couldn’t find any words but he relaxed a little with his father home and as he did so he felt dizzy and thoroughly sick, trembling violently. Ben held him closer trying to calm him down “Easy Son, it’s alright, easy now.”

“I feel sick.” Adam pulled away biting on his knuckle and Ben told Joe to get a bowl in case. Adam was shaking and Ben stayed close to him “You have to rest Adam, will you take a tablet?”

“No, no drugs. In case they need me.”

“Will you at least lie down?”

Adam didn’t agree but neither did he refuse and he lent against his father, the room swaying round him feeling so cold, unable to focus. At least Ben was solid and dependable and slowly he said, “I’m glad you’re home Pa.”

“Let Hoss take you to bed.”

This time Adam made no protest and Ben told his big son to go ahead. Adam leant heavily on Hoss and went up to a spare room well away from Carole and the baby. Ben followed and with Hoss’ help got Adam undressed, glad to see the burns on his back were well healed and even some of the scarring faded slightly and didn’t seem to be too sensitive to the touch. However his son was very thin and Adam couldn’t stop trembling. Hoss tucked his brother up carefully and Ben sat quietly by him reassuring Adam that between them they would take care of everything. Adam closed his eyes as the room swung round him and relaxing a little he slipped into sleep. Ben sat staring down at him for a long time, tracing the all too clear lines of pain and tension, knowing just how much it had cost his son even if Adam would never admit it.

Eventually Hop Sing came in to tell Ben that a meal was waiting for him and offered to stay with Adam. Ben wasn’t sure if it was really necessary but knew he would enjoy his food more, knowing that Adam wouldn’t be alone, he accepted the offer. As he ate Ben learnt a little more detail about the birth and the long days since, Carole’s nightmare returning her to those days of hell, which Adam had referred to. Hoss filled him in, his expressive face mirroring the pain his brother had shown, more agony than his worst injuries.

Joe had been in to tell Carole that Adam was sleeping and she was very relieved, quite happy to rely on the rest of the family for anything she needed and able to cope with Anne. After food Ben made a conscious effort to help Joe sort out what needed doing and with Hoss and Nita helping they at least identified the main problems by dinner time. Then Hop Sing came down to tell Ben that Adam was very restless, seemingly in the throes of a nightmare, and he couldn’t calm him. Ben hurried upstairs with Joe following him in case he could help. Ben held Adam still as he was tossing around. Adam was talking, not to coherently, but Ben met his youngest son’s eye and knew Joe understood too, Adam was back in the first minutes when he’d feared a still birth. Keeping his voice very calm Ben told his son over and over that the baby was alive and well and for a few minutes Adam lay still but he didn’t waken and slowly his dream moved on. He relived the long hours, scared but fighting for both their lives, gradually cutting himself off from his own pain and weakness, revealing in his sleep just how clearly he’d known the odds and the fears he’s hidden at the time. Just how much of a strain it had been on him so scared that he wouldn’t be able to keep going, fears that he had hidden so well. Several times his gratitude to his brothers and their wives came through very clearly, something he hadn’t found words for. Ben made no attempt to stop him, he’d wanted his son to talk and even this way maybe it would be some relief to Adam’s overstretched nerves and at least put Ben fully into the picture and maybe in a better position to help. He held his son still and let him talk, occasionally needing his youngest son’s interpretation, Joe had been there. Once as Adam tried to find the words to thank Nita and couldn’t, just hoping she’d understand, Ben looked up at Joe and wasn’t surprised to see the tears on Joe’s cheeks. Adam wasn’t the only one who was overtired and overwrought. Joe wasn’t even aware of them himself, so sorry for his brother, seeing even more clearly than he had at the time how hard Adam had found it to keep going. He had been able to do so little and yet Adam was very grateful. Neither of them were really aware of the passage of time and Hoss came up to see why they were so long once he had seen that Carole and Sue had their food. Seeing his little brother upset Hoss went over to him, puzzled by their attitude but he soon understood and stayed to listen. Eventually Adam lay still and quiet returning to his certainty that both were going to be fine. Ben sent his sons down to get some food, waiting long enough to be sure Adam was resting quietly before calling Hop Sing back and going to eat himself.

Hoss couldn’t face food and he was in the study checking the route of the herd, but even with good conditions it couldn’t take less than a month. Joe came in having abandoned his own food and saw what Hoss was doing. He picked up the map “Long time to be away.”

Hoss sighed “Don’t rub it in little brother.”

“Sue’s due before Nita.”

“So?”

“I’ve taken the herd before.”

“Sure but Pa needs you here Joe, you know better than anyone all this is a two man job and I’m not much help.”

“Adam can help.”

“It’s gonna take more than a few hours sleep before he can cope. He still hasn’t really given way, it could be a long time before he pulls his weight again. You know as well as I do how much the last months have taken out of him, the burns, all that pain and then all this.” Hoss moved away and stared up at the painting “He’ll be all right, he’s got what he needs thank God. Luckier than you Joe.”

“He’s earnt it Hoss and anyway I have all the luck in the world now.”

“Guess you do little brother, Nita has been marvellous with the children.”

Joe nodded “And Sue, makes you wonder how we ever managed without them.”

Ben overheard that having finished as much as he could manage of his own food. “Adam’s more grateful than he can ever say, that was very obvious, I hope you’ll both pass it on for him.” Ben poured a brandy and looked at the map his sons were studying, he bit his lip knowing neither would want to be away and yet Joe couldn’t carry on as he was, maybe he could arrange to take over from Hoss after a couple of weeks, get Joe straight and maybe by then Adam would be better and able to help. For now he changed the subject until he could think it out. He folded the map “We’ll sort this out tomorrow, will you two take it easy you don’t look a hell of a lot better than your brother.”

Hoss and Joe both made an effort to calm down, Ben was worried enough, still showing signs of shock at the state his eldest son was in and the events of the last weeks. They let Ben change the subject and tried to sort out some of the most immediate problems. Without discussion all were staying at Adam’s to help out as they could and at nine Sue helped Carole settle and brought the baby downstairs. Hoss and Joe looked at each other and Hoss yawned widely, “All yours little brother, I’m for bed wake me at two.”

“You’ll do nothing of the sort.” Ben said “I’ll take the second half, you’re exhausted Hoss.”

“I’m okay.”

“Don’t be stupid. Sue will you take him home to your own bed, let’s get someone rested.” Sue hesitated but as Nita moved to take the baby she nodded, knowing just how tired her husband was. “Thanks Pa, I’m glad you’re home.”

Ben left Nita to look after Joe and the baby and went to bed himself. Very tired even though he was worried about his family he was able to get some sleep, knowing that Adam was sleeping.

Anne was quiet for an hour but by half past ten she was fretful and Joe tried to feed her but she wouldn’t take the bottle and Nita was no more successful. She would suck for a moment and then pull away and wail piteously. Joe tried walking her around but it was useless and then the study door opened and Adam came in. Black circles under his eyes he looked worse after his sleep than he had throughout. He was barely awake just reacting instinctively to his daughter’s cry. Joe had been sure Adam couldn’t hear her from the other end of the house but Adam was so sensitive to her wants, he could feel her distress even when he couldn’t hear her. Adam hadn’t even put on his dressing gown and as he sat down with the child Joe got his coat and draped it round him. Anne settled at once to eat now she had her father and went straight back to sleep when she’d finished the bottle, Joe took her from his brother and passed her to Nita. “Back to bed Adam. Come on I’ll give you a hand.”

Adam felt terrible and accepted his brother’s help, throughout he’d not said a word but as he lay down he said, “Thanks Joe.”

Two hours later the same scenario was repeated and as Adam went back to bed, Joe and Nita looked at each other resignedly. Nita said “I suppose we could try taking her to our house.”

“I don’t think it would help, he can’t hear those low cries, he just knows.”

“If only she’d let us feed her.”

“Obstinate! If she was hungry enough I guess she would but she wakes Adam before we get that far.”

“He must rest, he looks terrible, worse than ever.”

“Relaxed a little and its catching up on him. But you must rest too, come on I’ll call Pa.”

“He’s tired too.”

“Like Adam it’s a waste of time arguing, if we don’t do as we’re told he’ll be down anyway and in a temper. Go onto bed I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”

Joe found his father already awake and while he dressed Joe explained the problem. Ben was horrified to hear that Adam had been up twice, but agreed that Joe couldn’t do more than he had. An hour later he began to realise why his granddaughter had survived. She might be tiny but she had a will of her own and as though on call Adam appeared and took her. Having got her own way she settled immediately. Once she was feeding Ben sat down next to his son, “This can’t go on Adam.”

“Easy to say Pa.” Adam stared down at his little daughter but he knew his father was right, He stretched slowly trying to ease his aching back and his attention was caught by the map his brothers had been studying. He had lost all track of time over the last weeks and to his father’s surprise he asked “What’s the date Pa?”

“Just the 17th of September and I think now is the only part of it you ought to see. If you can’t sleep during the night you’d better sleep today while Carole looks after Anne.”

Adam shook his head “No. maybe for an hour or two but no more, I won’t worry Carole she’s still too weak. She doesn’t know Pa, she’s never known just how lucky we are.”

“Go back to her like that and she will worry.”

Adam smiled “Wanna bet Pa? I can act when I have to.”

Ben had to acknowledge the truth of that and as the baby fell asleep Adam passed her back to his father, “Goodnight Pa.”

Adam went slowly back to bed but this time not to sleep. His father was right on one thing he couldn’t go on as he had been. Since his father’s return home he was more conscious of his aches and pains than he’d been in weeks. He’d barely considered the ranch over the last weeks, knowing he couldn’t help more than he was, hardly able to focus. He knew Joe was tired and harassed but Adam trusted his brother’s competence to keep things moving. The one thing he did know was that the herd must go out in the next few days and that his brothers would not allow Ben to handle the herd. Even without the operation earlier in the year, trail driving was a young man’s job. With both their wives heavily pregnant Adam guessed that both his brothers were having nightmares, he hadn’t missed their fears especially after Carole’s narrow escape and he knew all too well how they must feel at the prospect of being away for a month. There only seemed one solution to Adam and he tried to think it through, decide if he could cope and if so how to persuade his family. He hadn’t got very far when he was aware of Anne crying again and pulling on his dressing gown he went back down.
Ben wasn’t surprised to see him but he was surprised when Adam made no attempt to take the baby, just pouring himself a brandy, “Let’s persevere Pa, see how long she stays stubborn.”

The baby stopped wailing as she heard his voice but when the familiar arms didn’t take her she started up again. For half an hour Ben kept offering her the bottle but she just fretted while his son got more and more tense and pale. Adam didn’t speak just watching the baby and Ben could only go along with his son. Just as Ben had decided that his son was about to collapse, the baby’s hunger took hold and she began to suck eagerly at the bottle. Adam grinned broadly, “Thank God. I’m going to get washed and shaved Pa, see you in a few minutes.”

“Why not get some more sleep?”

“No I’m awake now, obstinate little madam,” Adam touched her head gently, “Thank God she is or she’d have died.”

Adam washed and dressed, looked in on Carole who was still sleeping and so he went back downstairs for some breakfast. It was very early and he went outside to watch the dawn, his head was throbbing and he ached all over but his sleep had helped and he didn’t feel dizzy, more aware of what was happening than in a long time. After a few minutes he went in to rejoin his father and took Anne who settled contentedly in his arms. Adam stroked her head gently, “I wouldn’t let myself believe she’d die, but I could see how slim Doc thought her chances were.”

“You did so very well.”

“Not me God.”

“Not many men would even have tried.”

“My brothers would. She’s my child. You understand Pa, you brought us up.”

“You were never so tiny and weak.”

“But we’ve been as close to death and you’ve nursed us through and as we’ve grown so we’ve helped each other. I couldn’t have managed without my brothers and Sue and Nita. I hope they know how grateful I am.”

“They know, just wish they could do more.”

“I feel as though I’ve been floating forever Pa. Feel more myself today, guess I did need some sleep.”

“You still do you look ill and I know you have a headache.”

“I don’t deny it Pa but it’s the first time I’ve really felt as though my body belongs to me. It reacts without the long delay its taken over the last few days.”

Ben frowned Adam still looked on the verge of collapse and he was very obviously weak and in pain but he was much more aware than he had been the previous day. Adam moved stiffly over to the desk and picked up the map, “When does the herd go out?”

“Tuesday I think José has the branding well under control.”

“It’s going to be a big one.”

“Biggest yet. You drew up the contracts, still we have plenty of stock to cover, good quality, and reports on conditions along the way don’t sound too bad, adequate grass but the rivers aren’t too high.”

“Too big a responsibility for José, it’s not fair on him.”

“We all realise that, your brothers and I will talk it out later, decide how best to handle it.”
“With Sue and Nita so pregnant, there’s only one practical solution.”

Ben frowned well as he knew his eldest son he didn’t realise what Adam was getting at and assumed Adam thought he ought to go. “The trouble is that Joseph needs some help, he can’t carry on as he has been with everything so chaotic. Its going to be a while before you’re fit enough to do much especially is you carry on with as little rest. You can’t focus let alone think straight.”

“All the more reason.”

“I’m not with you Adam. I was thinking of asking Hoss to start out with the herd and then in ten days or so, once I’ve helped Joe get straight and you are better, then I’ll take over.”

“Pa!” Adam protested “Trail driving is not a job for men of your age, even if you hadn’t had that operation in the spring. You know Hoss and Joe will never agree.”

Ben sat back eyeing his son with growing suspicion, but not really able to believe what he was thinking. “If you don’t mean I’m to go, just what are you getting at?”

“I’ll take the herd, I’ve done it often enough.”

Ben shook his head in disbelief, “Talk sense Adam.”

“It is sense, the only thing that makes sense.”

Ben got to his feet and went over to his son touching the baby very gently, “Even if there hadn’t been all this you still couldn’t have gone. You were very badly hurt in that fire.”

“I’m all right Pa and if it wasn’t for all this as you put it I wouldn’t have to go. I wouldn’t, couldn’t, have left Carole. You can’t ask Hoss or Joe to leave their wives, especially after this scare. Neither of then are sleeping well. I know how they feel. Nita and Sue may need them but my brothers need their wives more. Carole and Anne are fine now they can survive without me. It’s the only way.”

“Maybe if you were fit but you’re not. You’re close to collapse. Both your brothers independently said that you would need a week in bed once you acknowledged your body and its needs. They were right. You say I’m not fit enough for a drive but I am much fitter than you are. You won’t ask José to take the responsibility of the herd. I won’t ask him to take on a sick man.”

“I’m not a child and I’m not ill. Just short on sleep and I can catch up before the herd goes out.”
“Do you even know when that is, what day of the week it is?”

“Well not exactly. I haven’t denied I’ve been floating unaware of what’s going on, that’s why I want to get away. I’ll get a lot more rest on the drive than I would here.”

“Nonsense.”

“Is it Pa? I sat by this morning until she gave way and let you feed her. I’m not sure I could do it again. I had to know if she would give in eventually but ...” Adam held her closer kissing her forehead, unable to go on. Ben had seen the tension in Adam nearly driving him into collapse, the almost physical effort to remain seated and not take her, the pain the baby’s cries caused his son.

Adam looked up “If I’m not here she’ll have to accept someone else.”

“There are easier ways of achieving that, you could go and sleep at the main house for a few days.”

“I’m not sure it would help Pa. I’d still be able to feel her call, I don’t think I hear her anyway, I’ve got to get right away.”

“You haven’t the stamina.” Ben took his son’s badly scarred left hand. “How much use is it? Have you even tried? Sure it’s healed on the surface as has your back but deep down?” He touched the cut Hoss had made and Adam tensed as he fought against wincing, Ben let go, “You see what I mean? How far have you ridden since the fire?”

“I’ve been to town and back to the west shore.”

That Ben didn’t expect “Why?”

“Finish of the flume surveys and to see for myself, a few too many nightmares. Hoss rode out with me and sent Jess to escort me back but I was fine. I can cope Pa, it’s the only way.”

“Carole and the baby?”

“Will be fine. I’ll trust them to the rest of you and Carole will understand, she needs me less than Hoss and Joe are needed.”

Ben opened his mouth and then turned away; he couldn’t put his own doubts about the baby’s survival into words. He couldn’t do that to his son even to dissuade him. He sighed “All very logical. You’re good at that but the answer is still no, your brothers will never agree,”

Adam looked stubborn and Ben said “Come on let’s get some breakfast we’ll talk it out later.”

RETURN TO LIBRARY