Title:
Spirit Thief – a story of memories
Author:
Nanuk
Rating:
PG13
Disclaimer:
I'd like to, but no, they are not mine. J
Summary: A
journey with tragic consequences…
Warning:
Character Death
Author's
note: Based on two short bits written for BL. You can access them here
http://www.bonanza-legacy.com/authors/pow049.html and
here:
http://www.bonanza-legacy.com/authors_01/pow113.html
Jamie is
NOT the Jamie known from the series, but Adam's son with Rebecca. I just had to
write this – and I apologize beforehand.
Thanks to
Christy, Elisabeth, Hope and Veroon for all their kindness, encouragement and
constant prodding.
Special
thanks to Christy (THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!) for her wonderful beta-reading.
~
* ~ * ~ * ~
Adam
came down the stairs, tears running freely and
unheeded over his cheeks and into his collar. His eyes were sparkling, his whole
body radiating with joy and life. Never before had Ben seen him so fulfilled;
never before had he seen his oldest son so gleaming, so completely and
absolutely happy as in that moment, and his own heart welled over at the sight
of it. It was as if all the sadness, all the dark moments that had accompanied
his oldest son all his life culminated in this moment of peace.
Ben was too happy to speak. He tried to take a
step nearer, but his knees were shaking, and then Adam was right next to him,
his eyes golden with light, holding in his arms the tiny baby he couldn't stop
looking at.
"Jamie
Benjamin Cartwright," he whispered huskily, and then looked up at Ben with
the most enchanted smile on his face his father had ever seen.
Uselessly
Ben tried to wipe his own tears away. They just spilled over at the sight of
his grandson and blurred his vision, but he touched Adam's neck and drew him
closer, in an embrace with Jamie Cartwright between them, protected by their
bodies, safe in their midst – their future. Ben looked at Adam, saw his eyes
shining wet with happiness, and knew that life was good.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
"Grandpa!" 2-year-old Jamie Cartwright stood at the top of the stairs, golden eyes
sparkling, stuffed toy held tightly to his chest with one hand, beaming down at
him. His other hand held on to the first two fingers of his father's hand while
he led him down the stairs.
Ben
couldn't help but grin at the sight of his son and grandson as they descended
together. He felt a presence at his side, and half-turned to see Rebecca
standing next to him, her eyes on her family. Her face, too, blossomed into a
smile as she watched her men come down the stairs.
Jamie's
eyes were intent on the task of tackling the frightful height, but Adam looked
up when he sensed two pairs of eyes on him. He gave his wife a loving glance
over Jamie's dark head, then grinned mischievously at his father.
"I bet
you are happy that you didn't have to watch three sons growing up on those
steps, huh?"
Ben raised
an eyebrow. "And just who is responsible for those stairs, I wonder?"
Adam
flashed him another grin, his eyes sparkling with the challenge. "You
agreed, though, if I remember correctly?"
"God
forbid that you shouldn't!" Ben put his hands on his hips as he mockingly glared
at Adam.
"You
did agree, Pa!" Leading Jamie around the banister to Rebecca's waiting
arms, Adam ducked his head as he passed his father.
"Finished
playing?" Joe's voice rang from the dining room area. He, too, couldn't
help but grin when two sets of dark eyebrows were lifted questioningly.
"You two are quite a sight." He squatted down and called out to
Jamie. "And where's my favourite buddy?"
"Heere!" Jamie's eyes sparkled with joy, and
he ran off towards Joe who picked him up, and to his delight, swept him into
the air until his gleeful giggles and squeals filled the living room.
"He'll
want to be a bird if you go on like this." Ben shook his head while he
watched the game.
"Nothing wrong with that." Adam raised his brow as he looked at his
brother and son. "Joe wanted to be a horse, after all. You could start a
circus,
Joe,
slightly breathless from holding a wriggling Jamie upside down, joined in.
"Pa can be a lion, and you…" his voice
trailed off as he tried to think of an animal that would suit his oldest
brother.
"A wolf perhaps?" Ben, too, seemed to enjoy the game. Adam
flashed him a grin and indicated a bow, much to his family's amusement. Rebecca
took Jamie from Joe and regarded her husband with a knowing eye.
"A
mule", she said with conviction. Ben and Joe burst out laughing. Adam
grinned and placed a kiss on her lips.
"And
do you like being married to a mule, my little vixen?" His eyes twinkled
with merriment as he drew Rebecca and Jamie back into his arms. A short kiss
into the raven-black hair of his son, then he laid his arm around his wife and
turned to Ben and Joe.
"Shall
we go? We don't want to miss the celebrations."
He might
have sounded quite business-like all of a sudden, but the gleam was still on
his face, and Ben's heart was glad to see it.
~ * ~ * ~
The
interruption of his peace came the next morning.
"We
thought we'd start in June." Adam announced calmly over the breakfast
table.
A knife
clattered to the ground. Joe and Hoss stared open-mouthed at Adam who seemed
oblivious to their reactions and continued to eat. For what seemed an eternity
they were too shocked to speak, then they turned
pleading eyes on Ben, waiting for him to protest.
Ben was
silent. When he had heard Adam's words, his heart had skipped a beat, and for a
second he thought he was going to choke. Carefully he unfolded his napkin and
placed it on his knee.
Swallowing slowly,
he finally lifted his eyes and met Adam's cool, appraising gaze. From somewhere
far away he could hear Joe and Hoss arguing loudly, but he had only eyes for
his firstborn son, and he suddenly remembered one afternoon, almost five years
back. The afternoon when Adam had said those words to him for
the first time. It had been shortly after his wedding.
~ * ~
"I
can't believe you mean what you said!" Ben stared at Adam, aghast. From
the firm set of his son's jaw and mouth he knew that Adam did indeed mean what
he had just said, but Ben couldn't believe it. Didn't want to
believe it, anyway. It just couldn't be true, and for the tiniest second
he wondered whether he was hearing things. A quick glance into Adam's direction
told him otherwise.
"You
want to do what?" Ben felt the anger rising inside him, but he fought to
keep it down. He sensed Adam's cool gaze on him, estimating him, and knew that
his son tried to remain aloof to keep his own temper in check. The thought
wasn't very comforting to Ben. Illogical as it was, what he needed right now
was a nice strong and heated argument to get rid of his own burning feelings.
If Adam kept control of his temper, then he knew who the winner of the argument
was going to be.
"Rebecca and I decided …" There it was again, that soft,
mellow voice, trying to seduce him. Ben glowered at Adam. "
… that we would like to do some travelling."
"That's
absolute foolishness!" The thought of Adam and Becky travelling in a wagon
alone made him shiver.
"Is
it?"
"Of
course it is!" Ben ran a hand through his hair. He almost cursed every
time he had to argue with Adam. His son knew him too well. Instead of getting
into a discussion, he had managed to
turn the argument completely around in the course of seconds, so that instead
of Adam it was
Ben now who felt as if he had to justify himself.
The
worst thing about it all, Ben thought absent-mindedly while he tried to
organize his arguments, was the fact that Adam's mind was already made up when
he decided to inform his family of their decision. Trying to change his mind at
this stage of the proceedings would turn out just as difficult as turning
around a stampeding herd of cattle. Ben unconsciously clenched his fists. Improbable, yes, but not impossible. Ben was resolved to try.
"I
don't understand why you can't go to
Adam
took a deep breath and leant back in the chair. Ben recognized the gesture. It
was the same one Adam used when he had to talk to a particularly stubborn
business partner and tried to be patient while he steeled himself for a longer
discussion – which he knew he was going to win. Ben bristled at the thought.
Adam softly shook his head.
"We'll
be gone longer than that,
Ben
glanced sharply at Adam, and the uneasy feeling in his
stomach grew. Suddenly unable to sit, he stood and started to prowl.
"And
just what exactly are you thinking of? You sound as if you have your plan
ready, so tell me."
He saw
that Adam warily squinted his eyes at that sudden
outburst, but he answered nevertheless.
"We'll
leave after the spring drive. Most of the hard work will be done by then, and
you can easily spare me for the three months we'll be gone." Ben could see
that Adam's eyes sparked up with the mere thought of going. His stomach lurched
at the realization, but he swallowed a sharp reply just in time.
"Three
months?" He stemmed his fists into his side and frowned. One look at
Adam's face told him that he had to step careful, though. Adam was a grown man
with his own family after all - Ben knew he tended to forget that. But, in
truth, Adam was able to go anywhere he liked and for how long he liked. He had
enough money, was smart and knew how to work. Adam would never have difficulties
in providing for his family, no matter where he lived. Ben had known that the
Ponderosa with its 1000 square miles was too small for Adam's spirit, but he
had hoped that the marriage with Rebecca would tie him to the land, would
ground him and give him the happiness he had so long sought for.
Adam was
happy, no question about that, and Rebecca was the joy of his life. But even
though he worked here, together with his family, it didn't mean that he could
not one day choose to leave anyway.
Ben
glanced at Adam, who looked back at him, carefully watching his face. He
sighed, then sat down again and rubbed a hand over his face.
For years they all had been equal partners of the ranch, had had equal shares, but it had by everyone's consent been accepted that Ben was the one to speak the last word. Now he just had to remember that Adam was an equal partner and a man in his own right, and that at this moment he was more man than he was his son.
Adam
spoke up again, interrupting his thoughts. His voice was very soft.
"Pa,
it's … it's not only that we want a bit of time just for ourselves." He
looked at his hands, then back up at Ben. For a tiny second he looked uneasy,
but Ben knew that was because he was trying to choose his words carefully. His
eyes, a warm amber in the afternoon sun, glanced at
Ben, gauging him. For a moment he didn't say anything, then he half-closed his
eyes, remembering.
"Can
you still see the prairie in your dreams? The endless blue of
the sky, the endless land? The river with the little wood beside it…the
water was so warm that day, and the grass smelled like summer … "
Ben
remembered, too. He recognized the longing that was in his son's heart, saw it in his face when he looked at him. His eyes
still held the beauty of that day.
"It's
dangerous, Adam." Ben didn't look at his son when he said it. He heard the
clock in the living room, slowly counting down time. HopSing clanged a pot in
the kitchen. Somewhere outside a horse neighed. Time ran. His wife had died out
there. The sky had been blue. When he lifted his gaze, Adam looked at him, his
eyes soft with understanding.
"I
know," he said lowly.
Ben
smiled sadly. Yes, he would know, wouldn't he? And still …
"But
you still want to go." It was a statement. Adam sighed softly.
"I won't
leave you,
There
was no more argument after that. Ben had seen the yearning in Adam's eyes and
known with regretful finality that everything he said would only make Adam more
determined.
Unusual
as it was, they had agreed on a very strange arrangement. It had taken many
evenings of arguing and heated discussions, but finally and with a contented
sigh from all parties involved, they had settled on a plan that pleased them
all.
Adam,
who as the oldest would inherit the house at some time anyway, hadn't begun to
build his own home but instead expanded the big house so that he and Becky
could live in the new section. As they would be gone a part of the summer, that
seemed to be the easiest solution. Nothing at all had changed for Hoss, Joe or
Ben, and only when Hoss or Joe married would they move into a new house.
Adam had promised to take care of all the contracts, bids and operations that he had a hand in before they would be gone, and as always, he was as good as his word. For two weeks he confined himself to his room to work out all the details that had to be taken care of, with strict instructions not to be disturbed by anything, or anyone. He had emerged finally one evening, pale-faced and visibly thinner, looking as tired as anyone had ever seen him, wearing a big contented smile on his face – and promptly fell asleep in his chair after dinner. His family smiled indulgently, and Becky had just shrugged and spread a blanket over him to let him sleep. Joe had grinned and rubbed his hands together. He'd enjoyed the next morning's conversation immensely.
~
And so a
ritual was established. Every year Adam would prepare the summer operations,
and then he and Becky would be gone for about three months and indulge in their
private longing to see the world, satisfy their never-ending desire to see as
much of it as they could. Ben never really came to terms with it, however, even
though he never spoke about it. Judging from the looks Adam threw him, he knew
that his oldest son's intuitive nature at least suspected that something was
amiss. Too vivid were his own memories of journeys taken by wagon, and too
great his fear that something could go wrong, for him to have agreed
whole-heartedly to the idea. But when Adam and Rebecca came home the first
year, bone-tired, dust-covered and glowing with happiness, their eyes bright
with excitement, he knew they had made the right choice, and he resolved to be
happy for them.
After
that, they had kept it up, year after year. After the second journey, Rebecca
had been with child, and Ben had hoped that they would stop their wanderings
and settle permanently. But his prayers went unheard. They took their journey
up again just after Jamie's first birthday, and no matter how often Ben
beseeched them, neither Adam nor Becky were willing to give up their yearly
escape into freedom. To Ben's eternal surprise, little Jamie rejoiced in the
trip. He radiated well-being like a cat in a pot of cream, and blossomed into a
healthy lad who, while obedient and well bred, had a mischievous streak that
reminded Ben constantly of Joe. He was the spitting image of his father as a
child, but his eyes were lighter, his spirit more carefree than Adam's had ever
been. Ben was glad to see it, and the guilt over Adam
finally settled.
In the
end, Ben never found out whose idea it had originally been. He suspected that
it had been Rebecca who first brought it up, but if he knew his son at all, he
was sure she hadn't needed much persuasion to draw Adam to her side – if she
had needed any at all. But of course, it was entirely
possible that the foolish plan was a product of Adam's restless nature,
something Ben could very well imagine.
Perhaps
Ben was not to blame in the original sense, but he knew that growing up
constantly travelling had deeply influenced Adam. His own heritage might have
had a hand in it, but the forever changing landscapes and never-ending horizons
his oldest son had seen in his childhood had rooted a desire deep within him
for wide spaces, and a longing that Ben had always known had to be satisfied
one day.
So they
had gone on their journey. After the heavy spring work had been done, after the
new-born calves had been branded, the timber operations started anew, the herds
moved to the summer pastures and life went at a slower pace again, they had
been on their way.
~ * ~
When Ben
looked up, Adam's gaze was still on him, but he could see the tiny curve of his
lips and knew that his son was aware of what he had been thinking. His eyes
held an amused smile while he tried to ignore Hoss' and Joe's heated words that
were thrown over the table, but he almost imperceptibly shook his head. No, Ben
thought, and he had not assumed that Adam had changed his mind about not going,
either.
Ben let his
gaze wander over his family where they sat at the table. Opposite of him Adam,
watching him with his amber hawk-eyes, one dark brow raised
in anticipation. Hoss and Joe to his left, still a little pale from the shock
of Adam's sudden announcement. He almost smiled when he saw that Joe's careful
attempts to tame his hair had been undone when he ran a hand through it in
frustration at his brother's stubbornness. To his right Rebecca, trying to calm
Hoss with her gentle smile and soft words, and Ben could see that she was
successful.
And then
his eyes finally came to rest on Jamie who was contently munching a sodden biscuit,
mysteriously unperturbed by all the commotion, crumbs all over him. He suddenly
knew why Hoss and Joe protested so loudly against Adam's plans. They couldn't
imagine having to live three months without him. Neither could he. His own
stomach lurched at the thought. Last year, every day without the boy had been
too calm, too dark, too empty. He couldn't let him go.
And he couldn't stop Adam either. The decision was made in a moment's time.
"We'll
go with you."
That
stopped them. Hoss and Joe stared at him, their mouths open. Rebecca cast Adam
a quick look. And Adam's brows drew dangerously together, foreboding an
argument. Ben could tell he was annoyed to the core of his stubborn soul.
Somewhere deep inside him Ben was gratified that he had managed to unsettle
Adam as his son was unsettling them, but he suppressed a grin and hastened to
explain.
"Just for a day or two. Just to start you on your
way." Ben quickly glanced at Hoss and Joe, silencing them with a
look, but he knew they were already getting comfortable with the idea. He
concentrated back on Adam, who had closed his hand around the water glass and
looked thoughtfully at his father, his eyes guarded.
"Why?"
he asked finally.
Ben's
features softened when he shifted his gaze to his grandson who just at that
moment looked up and met his grandfather's eyes with his own golden ones.
Jamie's brows were knitted together in a frown, and he reassuringly smiled at
him. Then he looked up and answered Adam, seeing the understanding in his son's
eyes and the almost invisible relaxation in the line of his shoulders.
"I
want to be with him as long as I can."
~ *
~ * ~ * ~
~ *
~
"Adam?"
Rebecca's voice sounded in the house, calling her husband. Ben came hurrying
out of the kitchen and saw her in the living room, her arms full of things they
wanted to take. Quickening his steps he reached her side and took half the
things from her before they could slip from her precarious grip. Rewarded with
a warm glance and a soft smile, he nodded at her at follow him outside.
"I'm
glad it stopped raining", she said as she carefully stepped around one of
the puddles that covered the yard. "Adam was about to postpone the trip.
He said he didn't want to smell like a wet dog all the way." She tied a
knot around the bundle and lifted it into the wagon. Then her eyes wandered
over the muddy yard and she turned to her father-in-law. "Have you already
seen him this morning?"
"He's
checking the horses", Ben explained, and when he saw her brows rise added
under his breath, "…again. Jamie is with him."
Rebecca
threw him an almost mocking glance. "You don't think he gets anything done
with Jamie around him, do you?"
Ben
chuckled while he placed the items in the wagon. "I wouldn't think so, but
then, he still surprises me every now and then." He took a basket from
Rebecca, only just refraining from asking what was inside, and nodded in the
direction of the barn. "If he has him placed in that swing again, I doubt
they'll emerge before
"You
might just be right," she said over her shoulder, but Ben could tell she
was amused.
That swing was
the strangest construction he had ever seen. He had seriously doubted that Adam
was in his right mind when his son explained that he wanted to build a swing
for Jamie – in the barn, of all places.
~ * ~
Everyone
had stared at him when he had announced it at the dinner table; Hoss' fork
floated in mid-air, and Joe had only just managed to swallow the bite that
seemed to be stuck in his throat. Then he turned his eyes on his brother,
squinting.
"You
gotta be joking…"
Ben had
thought exactly the same thing, but Adam just grinned at his family with one of
his cat-like smiles; and when Ben glanced at Rebecca and saw her look back at
him and apologetically shrug her shoulders, he knew that Adam was serious. He
couldn't imagine why someone would want to build a swing for a toddler who was
still unsteady on his feet and in danger of falling off every second, not to
mention to build one in the barn where it would be in the way of everyone and
everything. He just opened his mouth to say as much when Hoss forestalled him.
"Don't
cha think that it's too darn dangerous for a little critter like him?"
Hoss scrutinized Adam over the table.
"Yeah,
and it will always be in the way." Joe had finally recovered from his
shock and glared at Adam. It was clear that as much as he loved his nephew, he
was not prepared to put up with his toys all over the place, and certainly not
in the barn. Ben cleared his throat.
"Adam,
don't you think that …"
"Pa…,"
Adam spoke up before Ben could finish his sentence, and smiled reassuringly at
him. Ben wondered shortly when he had started that annoying habit. He seemed to
know just when to interrupt so that people never got around to saying what they
wanted. As he did just now. And when he smiled at Ben
again, his father knew that he had won him over already.
"Just let me try it, and if it is a nuisance or bothers anyone, we can take it down again." He looked almost entreatingly at Hoss and Joe. If he had been a girl, Ben mused, he would have fluttered his eyelashes. As it was, he gave them a small smile. Ben knew they would give in just as he had. No one was more persuasive than Adam when he wanted to be, not even Joe. Little Jamie, right now happily playing with the food on his plate, was a charmer like Joe had been, and Ben already feared what awaited them when the boy was older.
Joe
sighed in defeat. "Why do you want a swing in the barn, anyway? Why can't
he have one outside, like every other child?"
Adam
chuckled. His eyes flashed shortly when he recognized his victory, but he soon
subdued it when he explained his motives.
"He
likes horses as much as you do, Joe." From the corner of his eyes Ben saw
the tips of Joe's ears turning an interesting shade of pink, but he
concentrated back on Adam who tried to restrain the hands of his offspring.
Jamie had perked up at the mention of his beloved "horsies" and
excitedly waved his spoon, spreading mashed potatoes all over himself. When Rebecca made to rise and clean him, Adam
grinned and shook his head, grabbing a napkin.
"He
always wants to see …them … All the time, and we can
hardly keep him away. When we take him to the barn, we're never able to do our
chores because we always have to keep an eye on him." He finished wiping
Jamie's hands and sat him on the ground to crawl off before he turned his
attention back to his family.
"With
a swing in the barn, we can take him with us while we do our chores, and
everyone will be
happy." Adam grinned at his family, then winced when Rebecca nudged his
side, reminding him to mind his manners.
Ben
motioned with his fork. "We'll see." Hoss and Joe resumed eating, but
he could tell their curiosity was sparked. They would see.
~ * ~
Jamie's
laughter came from the barn, and Ben found himself grinning involuntarily in
response. Well, they had seen. One day they had entered the barn to find a
basket-like construction hanging from of the rafters. Basket-like, because at
first Ben couldn't think of any other word to describe it. It was a wooden
construction all right, but made like a basket with two holes in it. Adam, just
finishing the last adjustments, had looked up to greet them, and had read the
questions on their faces correctly.
He reached
out to Jamie, who regarded his swing with a suspicious frown on his face. But
as soon as he lifted him, Ben knew how it was supposed to work, and he
marvelled at his son's inventiveness. Jamie would sit in the basket, but his
legs would reach through the holes and prevent him from standing up and falling
out. The strings of the swing were long enough to be easily wrapped around one
of the posts and out of the way when not needed, and just long enough for Jamie
to reach the ground with his toes.
They had
laughed when they saw Jamie grinning broadly as he realized just how his new
toy worked. His delighted squeals had upset the horses for a moment, but they
soon got used to it. As it turned out, Adam's idea came to save them a lot of
time, because Jamie was content to sit in his swing, feet kicking the ground
every now and then, and listen to stories while his father and uncles worked –
as long as he was near his adored "horsies".
Ben was
abruptly pulled back from his memories when the barn door opened and Adam came
out, Jamie on his arm, rope over his shoulder. As soon as he spotted his
grandfather, Jamie started wriggling, and when Adam set him on the ground, came
running to throw himself into Ben's arms. He giggled when Ben swept him up and
started to tickle him. Ben grinned.
"Good
morning, Grandson." He handed Jamie to Rebecca and turned to greet Adam.
"You're
up early." He eyed the rope and raised an eyebrow.
Adam yawned
then grinned back. "Jamie was too excited to sleep long. He kept Rebecca
up half of the night, then slept for a few hours, then woke again." He
appraisingly eyed his wife's retreating form as she took Jamie inside for
breakfast, then glanced at Ben. "We can be lucky we got any sleep at
all." He noticed the look Ben sent the rope on his shoulder and shrugged.
"Thought I'd take some just in case."
Ben, who had never had any doubts about Adam's ability to choose
equipment, held up his hands. "Just wondering." He gave the wagon
a knowing look. "Probably to stop that thing from
falling apart, huh?"
Adam threw
the rope inside and mockingly glared at his father in response. "Nope. We need it so I can tie Jamie to the wagon
should he decide to wander off." He looked back at Ben when he heard his
laughter.
"I
wish I'd have had that much rope when you were little. You always had a
disposition to wander off on your own."
"Me? Never!" Adam grinned at his father and gave the wagon a
last look. Ben clapped his shoulder.
"I
think you have everything, son." He had never been able to tell whether
Adam was actually nervous before the first day of the journey, but he could
feel the tight muscles under his palm and gently urged him toward the house.
"Let's
have breakfast. The others will be waiting."
~ * ~
"Everybody ready?" Adam swung himself up onto the seat. Standing,
he cast a quick look around and met the eyes of his family, then sat down next
to Rebecca and Jamie and grabbed the reigns.
Ben saw
that he laughed at something Rebecca had said, and then braced his legs against
the board and flickered the reigns. Abruptly, the heavy wagon moved as the
horses began to draw. With the sleeves of his shirt turned up as he always did,
Ben could see the muscles move on his son's arms when he easily directed the
vehicle out of the yard. Hoss and Joe urged their horses forward and settled in
behind the wagon. Ben had no doubt that as soon as the road permitted it, they
would be riding next to the wagon, joking with little Jamie until Adam would
roll his eyes and raise his brows, or Jamie fell asleep. Or
both.
He sighed
deeply, then smiled to himself. He had seen the last
look Adam had sent the house before the wagon rounded the corner. He thought
back to yesterday's evening, when he had found Adam and Rebecca on the porch
again, saying goodbye in their own way, as they had that first year. In his
mind Ben repeated the words Adam had said to him then. He didn't think he would
ever forget.
~ * ~
Ben went
out after dinner to get a bit of fresh air. He looked forward to an evening of
quiet contemplation before tomorrow's hectic activity began.
Not that
this day hadn't been busy, too. Last minute preparations had been done;
everything was packed and ready for departure.
Adam had
already checked and re-checked the wagon and their equipment,
and Ben knew he'd do it again tomorrow morning.
He
sighed softly. Right now he could feel every bone in his tired body, and
wondered for a second why he had suggested helping Adam with the preparations
if he didn't want him to leave. But he knew very well why. Everyone who just
looked at Adam knew why they helped. His smiling face was thanks enough.
And if Ben
was honest, he had to admit that a part of him even wanted to go with him. A
tiny, well-hidden part of himself wanted it despite his ever-present fear that
something could happen. But he'd be able to relive his memories, good and bad
alike, and just remember.
Did his
memory really do that to him, he wondered? Did it let all the bad memories
whither so that only the positive, warm ones survived the onslaught of the
years? The happy ones?
"Pa?"
The low,
warm voice came out of the darkness, startling him, and he snapped his head up sharply.
He turned towards it, squinting his eyes, but
all he could make out was a haphazard shadow, hidden in the darkness at the end
of the porch.
"Adam?"
The
shadow didn't move, but he heard a low rustling, and then the voice of his
eldest again, soft and inviting.
"Want
to join us?"
Curiously
Ben stepped nearer, until his eyes finally could tell the shadows apart, and
what he saw made him smile.
Adam sat in one of the chairs, tipped back until it leant against the
wall, feet on another one. Rebecca was curled up against his chest, head
against his shoulder, deeply asleep. A heavy blanket covered the both of them.
He sat
down next to Adam and leant back. He wasn't really surprised to see them out
here, they often read to each other in the evenings, but he had thought they
would be already up in their room.
"Don't
you need your sleep?" His voice was quiet in the night, almost inaudible,
and when Adam didn't answer he thought he hadn't heard him.
After a long time Adam's voice floated up from the darkness.
"We
just wanted to say good-bye."
Ben
remained quiet. He thought about what Adam had just said, and the word
"good-bye" rang in his mind.
Good-bye
…
Did it
mean that?
He
didn't know he had held his breath but then his son's voice sounded again in
the silence of the night.
"This
is our home,
Ben felt
a shiver run down his spine. Suddenly a weight was taken from his shoulders he
didn't know he had been carrying with him.
"I'm
glad, son", he said, and when he felt a warm, comforting hand on his
shoulder he knew he hadn't been able to repress the husky catch in his voice.
He
turned his head and gazed at the nightly sky, the silent darkness surrounding
them.
Somewhere
a wolf howled, then a second, and from the corners of his eyes he saw that Adam
protectively held Rebecca tighter.
Ben
sighed softly and leant his head back to enjoy the silence. Strange, he
thought, how in the moments when our eyes are blind, we see our beloved ones
the best.
He had
always felt close to Adam, but never so much as in the hours of darkness. There
had never been many words between them, nor had they needed them. In their
deepest souls they shared a harmony, were they alike in mind and spirit. He
knew there was a time of day he associated with each of his sons, but he
wouldn't have been able to explain why. For Hoss, it was early afternoon, when
the birds just woke from their nap. For Joe it was the time after a hard day's
work, when the body was pleasantly tired, the mind pleased with the work. For
Adam, it was the night and the early hours of dawn when the sun rose to greet
the new day.
No, he
thought, the night didn't need any words, but he didn't know how often he had
said the words anyway: "Thank you, Lord. Thank you for my sons".
He
wasn't sure how long they sat together in silence, simply enjoying each other's
company. Finally, after what could have been hours or seconds, Adam spoke
again.
"We
should get some sleep," he said, but he didn't move. Ben turned his head
to look at him, but the night was dark, and Adam was just a darker shadow on
the porch. All of a sudden it seemed important to know the thing that had
worried him all day.
"Adam?"
"Hm?"
"Will
you…," he stopped, suddenly unsure of what he wanted to say. It sounded
strange in his own ears. "I mean…"
"Pa…,"
Adam's voice was barely more than a whisper over the quiet sounds of the night.
"This
is my life,
"I
know." Ben had a hard time swallowing, but he managed to smile, even though
he wasn't sure whether Adam could see him. "Have a save journey,
son."
"Thanks,
"Good
night, Pa," he whispered.
"Good
night, son," Ben whispered back and stood to watch Adam as he carried
Rebecca inside. 'I love you', he added in his mind.
"I
love you, Pa," came the third voice, drowsy with
sleep, surprising them both. He smiled as Adam half-turned back to him and saw
him shrug his shoulders amusedly.
When
Adam had closed the door behind him, Ben sat down and looked at the night sky.
His children would be all right, and all would be well.
~
Ben turned
Buck and sat still for a moment, regarding the long, straight lines of his
family's home, lines that stood for strength and protection. His gaze travelled
over the mountains in the distance, majestic as ever with their white crowns
and the carpet of green underneath, until a sharp shout called him to his
family. The house might be home, but not more than his family. He repeated
Adam's words in his mind and added his own vow. Yes, he would always remember, no
matter what would happen. Then he turned his horse towards his family and
kicked Buck into a gallop to catch up with them. The journey had begun.
~ *
~ * ~ * ~
~ *
~
Adam sighed
and wearily rubbed a hand over his face, a tiny gesture that didn't go unnoticed
by his family. By common consent they had decided to spend the first night on
Ponderosa land, just at the border. A half-hour travel tomorrow and they would
leave their property and be on their way. Ben, Hoss and Joe would accompany the
wagon until the lunch break and then return home. Ben didn't look forward to
tomorrow. It meant that he had to say good-bye to Adam, Jamie and Becky and
return home to find the house empty. No, he didn't like it at all.
Still, he
had to admit that he had enjoyed the day. The journey had been uneventful,
spent with chatter and banter between his children. When Jamie had fallen
asleep in the afternoon and been put to bed in the wagon, his family had
continued on their way, quieter, but not less playful. Now, after dinner and
seated around the campfire, pleasantly drowsy with all the fresh air and good
food, Ben understood – perhaps for the first time – why those trips were so
important for Adam and Rebecca. He had watched them all day, both on the wagon
and preparing the dinner, and now, leaning against a tree, he could see that
they looked more relaxed than he had seen them in a long time.
"You alright?" As always, Hoss was the first to speak out loud, though Ben saw
Rebecca's comforting hand on Adam's thigh.
"Just
tired," he said and flashed them a grin. He held his hands out to Jamie,
who had just come back from his cleaning trip to the river with Joe.
"Hey,
little Puck, come here." Gently, he pulled his son onto his lap and started
to stroke the little back, humming softly under his breath. Ben, absorbed in
the sight, gratefully accepted a cup of coffee from Rebecca. The light from the
fire illuminated the two dark heads and conjured up dark red sparks in their
hair, making them look like elves.
A hand
clapped Ben's shoulder and he looked up in surprise. Joe stood next to him,
smirking.
"You
don't want to fall asleep now, Pa, do you?"
Playfully
Ben lifted a hand, but Joe had already ducked out of reach. Only then did Ben see
that he held Adam's guitar in one hand and passed it on to Rebecca.
"You
think you can get your brother to play?" he asked dubiously. Adam looked
quite content where he was, and Ben doubted he'd exchange Jamie for a guitar
anytime soon.
Joe shook his
head and sat down besides Ben. "Hope springs eternal." He grinned.
"Perhaps he'd like another toy to play with?"
"So
you think your nephew is a toy?" Rebecca was behind Joe, holding a wooden
spoon and a bowl, but when Joe warily glanced at her, squaring his shoulders,
she merely winked at him and sat down beside Adam.
Joe held up
his hands as if he wanted to surrender and shrugged innocently. "Of course
he is." That got him a frown from both Rebecca and Adam and a sharp look
from Ben. He pointed to Jamie who was contently snuggled up against his
father's chest, almost asleep.
"Just
look at him. All sweet and cuddly. You'd never think
he's such a …uh …" Seeing Adam's raised brow just in time, he cringed and
hastened to find another word, under the piercing eyes of his family, "…a
sprite, usually."
"Well
done, buddy," Adam commented dryly. When he saw Joe's baffled look, he
motioned with his head to Hoss who had come up behind his little brother, hands
in pockets.
"Ya
saved yerself jus' in time, Shortshanks."
Hoss winked at Adam, then noisily let himself glide to
the ground and stretched out his feet towards the fire. He nodded towards
Jamie.
"The
Little One asleep?"
Adam bowed
his head towards the dark curls, then looked up and smiled softly. "Almost."
"It
has been an exciting day," Ben said. "No wonder he's exhausted."
Rebecca
laughed and bent over to ruffle the unruly hair of her son. "He didn't
sleep last night, that's why." She sent Adam a loving glance when she saw his
rueful smile and intertwined her fingers with his.
"It's
no wonder he couldn't sleep. Your little Puck has always had an adventurous
streak." Joe stretched himself out on the ground and crossed his arms
behind his head. "You named him aptly."
Ben could
only shake his head as he watched his youngest son's grimaces while he tried to
find a comfortable position. "And you always stayed put when you where
small?"
Joe
innocently batted his lashes. "I did when I was that young", he
pointed out. "You have to admit that Jamie started quite early."
Hoss
snorted, and Ben half-smiled when he lifted his eyes to meet Adam's remorseful
look. His face painted in reds and golds from the fire, Ben saw him shivering
and knew that he, too, vividly remembered the night when Jamie had got lost.
He had been
so small then, perhaps no more than a year and a half. But Ben would never
forget the look on Rebecca's face when they rode into the yard that evening in
fall.
~ * ~
Her eyes
were wide open in fear, her hair dishevelled and her clothes looked as if she'd
been on the trail for a day. She had hugged her shawl to herself – a small,
futile gesture to try and stay calm in what could well turn into the horror of
her life. But her whole body had screamed in terror and fear, had screamed in
agony for Adam. Ben's inside had turned to stone.
He had
cast a fast look at Adam's face, but his son had been down his horse in less
than a second, hugging his wife tightly to his chest. Rebecca was frantic. Her
eyes begged Adam to do something, and when he took her arms and looked into her
eyes, willing her to speak to him, she was only able
to whisper. Three words, and Ben's throat grew dry
with the remembrance of how her voice had sounded. Three
words that had them all in shock.
"Jamie
is gone."
Rebecca
almost collapsed in Adam's arms, but he held her steady, while his eyes
searched Ben's.
"
"Would
you like me to come with you?" Ben asked softly. Adam was in front of the
horse, but he couldn't see his face. He had let Adam handle and organise the
search parties, because it was his son that had gone missing, even though his
heart ached. Adam hadn't given HIM any instructions,
and he knew that out of respect his son would never do that. But still, he
could offer his service, and Adam would decide where he needed him the most:
looking after Rebecca or coming with him.
His son
turned around. His face was pale, but he nodded gratefully.
"Thanks
"Alright then." He pondered for a second, then
laid his hand on Adam's tensed back. "We'll find him."
"Yes." And with that his son
was on his horse and gone, and he mounted up and followed.
~
They had
just left the yard and turned towards the river, when Adam spoke abruptly.
"I
wonder whether it's perhaps better to search on foot,
"What
makes you say that?"
"He's
just a baby. He can't have come far. Maybe not at all.
Perhaps he just wanted to play hide and seek, as he likes to do." Adam's
voice was tight, and to Ben it sounded as if he choked on his words. "For
Heaven's sake, he could even be in the wood shed."
Ben
would have smiled if not for the situation. For a moment they rode in silence,
carefully checking the road and the traces on it. Neither said a word, but Adam
suddenly halted is horse.
"Pa,
what did we speak of over the last few days?" His eyes were glued to Ben's
face, burning like coals in the rising darkness.
Ben was
too surprised to answer at first.
"What?"
Adam 's voice was urgent. "Pa! What did we speak of? Could he have heard
something that he wanted to see, to do …,"impatiently he ran a hand
through his hair, " I don't know …
anything…" Again his eyes begged his father. "You know how he is,
always wants to be in the middle of everything, wants
to see, wants to know… Did we speak of something that might have interested
him?"
"Nothing
that he heard... ", Ben screwed up his face as he, too, frantically tried
to remember. "We spoke of the elections… the
changes around here … the Indians …
"The
land …the mill …winter pastures for the cattle and… "Eyes half-closed,
Adam tried to sum up last evening's topics.
"But
he couldn't have heard that, he was in the kitchen, and came out only when … "
Adam
eyes lit up. "When we spoke of the wind and the leaves in fall … "He
sat up straight and took a good look around, as if he saw for the first time
where they really were.
"There
is that little wood not far from the house … he sees it every time we go to town, and
we spoke of it … " Adam's whole body suddenly glowed in anticipation, now
that they had a new clue, a new trace of where Jamie could be. Gone was the
hopeless despair of earlier, the energy was back; he was radiating it. Hardly
looking back to see whether Ben followed, Adam turned
Sport around and spurred him into a gallop.
It took
them only five minutes to reach the small wood of broadleaf trees Adam had
mentioned. Cluster of trees was more like it, Ben thought. The ground was hard
and trees other than pines had a hard time finding enough water. Still, somehow
these few had managed to survive and right now formed a colourful spot in the
midst of the dark green pines around them.
They
slowed the horses to a walk and carefully observed the ground. Ben heard Adam
curse softly under his breath as he glanced towards the horizon. It was rapidly
growing darker, and the shadows under the trees made seeing difficult. Ben felt
the cold hand of fear tighten her grip around his heart again, but just when
Adam bowed down low from the saddle to examine something on the ground, he saw
the unmistakeable form of a child underneath a mountain ash. He almost
collapsed with relief.
"Adam!"
He called out sharply and pointed, but it wouldn't have been necessary.
In less
than a second Adam was on the ground and all but threw himself next to the
little boy who sat in the midst of the dry leaves.
"Jamie!"
Ben could hear Adam suppressed cry and heard the obvious relief in his voice.
Jamie threw his little hands around Adam's neck and held on for dear life,
burying his head in Adam's neck as he began to cry.
"Papa…"
The sobs racked through the tiny body, and Adam frantically closed his arms
around him, pressing him against his chest. Then he let go for second and ran
his hands over the lad's head and body, making sure that he was unscratched and
unhurt, before he hugged him back to his chest.
"Shh,
Papa's got you, Jamie. It's all right. Everything's alright." For an
eternity, he just sat in the leaves, red and yellow and orange, and rocked his
son, oblivious to anything going on, whispering little nonsense-words to his
son.
Ben had
dismounted and slowly made his way over to Adam. He took out his gun and gave
the agreed signal that their search had been successful before he crouched down
next to his son and softly touched his shoulder.
"Adam?"
He was hesitant to break into that precious moment, but he had to make sure
that Jamie was all right, and he wanted to get a good look, himself. Then Adam
finally lifted his head up from Jamie's unruly curls and glanced at Ben,
smiling self-consciously. His voice was unsteady and he took a deep breath to
calm himself.
"I
don't know how you survived us,
"You'll
get used to worrying." He grinned, and gently laid his hand at Jamie's
back just to have a physical connection with his grandson.
"Well,
lad, you sure had us worried." He quickly glanced at Adam as Jamie just buried
himself deeper into Adam's neck, but his son had regained his composure. He
softly shook his head as he felt Ben's questioning gaze on him.
"He's
alright,
"You're
probably right." Ben groaned as he got up onto his feet. He could feel his
tight muscles now that the tension had flown out of him. All he longed for was
his bed. When he turned he could only just make out
Adam's face in the dim light of the evening, but he saw the dark brow rising.
Adam had Jamie settled comfortably on one hip and with the other hand drew slow
calming circles on his back, but his son's hands were still tightly locked
around his father's neck as if he never wanted to let go again.
When
Adam noticed his father's gaze on him, he cocked his head, a smile tugging at
the corners of his mouth.
"I
guess you have an idea how to get changed into a nightshirt with someone
clinging to you?"
Ben
chuckled. "Nightshirt? You or
the lad?"
Adam flashed
him a grin. "Since I'm not wearing nightshirts – and you might just as
well not comment on it – I guess we're talking about Jamie."
"I
feared as much." Ben grunted, then held Sport while Adam mounted with
Jamie in his arms. He watched as his son loosened the little boy's death grip
around his neck and transferred it to his waist instead, then handed Adam a
blanket that he tucked in around his son. When he knew that they were both
settled, he mounted his own horse and slowly led the way home.
Only when
the wood was out of sight, did they resume their conversation over the horses'
heads. Jamie hadn't stirred once, and Ben nodded over
to the small dark bump in front of Adam that hid Jamie.
"How
is he?"
"Falling
asleep, judging from the weight of him." Adam rode one-handedly, one arm
always securely around Jamie,
"Will
you punish him for escaping from his mother?" Ben thought he knew the
answer. It was dangerous for a child out here, and even more dangerous for one
that didn't know the dangers.
"I
guess I have to." Adam sighed. His reluctance was clearly audible.
"He's afraid enough right now, but I can't let him think that he'll always
come out of it unhurt like he did today."
"He's
very young."
"Old
enough to understand what is right and what wrong." Adam grimaced, and Ben
knew why. He had felt exactly the same before he had to punish each of his sons
for the first time. Adam had experience when it came to the kind of punishment
– with Joe, but he didn't have any with his own son.
"Don't
be too hard on him, son." Ben grinned to lighten the atmosphere.
"After all, he can't even properly defend himself."
Adam
snorted lightly. "You mean I should wait with the necessary talk until he
has learned some more words?"
Ben
chuckled. "Something like that." He squinted
at Adam when his son just shook his head in amazement. "He's my grandson,
Adam. I'm allowed to be soft where Jamie is concerned."
"And
will that be your excuse to spoil him senseless?" Adam laughed out loud
when Ben glared at him fiercely. A second later, though, Ben joined him when he
couldn't restrain himself any longer.
"Doesn't
seem as if I made a lasting impression on YOU, hm?" He winked at Adam, then spurred forward when their home came in sight.
~
Rebecca
came running from the house just when Ben handed Jamie back to Adam after they
had dismounted.
"Jamie?
Oh my God, JAMIE!!" Tears running unheeded over
her face, she frantically reached for her son and pressed him to her breast,
then fell into Adam's open arms as suddenly all energy left her. He closed his
arms around his family, holding on to them as much for their sake as his own.
Head bowed down towards Rebecca's, they stood still, cheek to cheek, shivering,
Jamie buried in the warmth between them. Silently Ben took the reigns of the
horses and led them into the barn.
When he
came back to the house a short while later, he found everyone in the living
room. Hoss and Joe were standing next to the settee where Adam and Rebecca
tried to clean Jamie up from his expedition.
"…
He was playing … hide and seek … hiding under the dry leaves …"Adam looked
up when Ben opened the door and met his eyes, shrugging softly. Ben grinned and
went over to join them, wanting to take another look at his grandson.
Rebecca
had just finished putting his nightshirt on and now grabbed a brush to get the
unruly curls into some kind of order. Jamie was on Adam's lap, still refusing
to let go of him. Softly mumbling under her breath, she avoided looking at Adam
while she tried to disentangle the jumble, but Ben saw that her lips twitched
with relieved serenity when she looked at the assorted greenery on her offspring's
head.
There
were dry leaves and little twigs entangled in Jamie's jet-black locks that made
him look like a sprite. Strangely enough, his golden eyes contrasted with the
yellow of the leaves that gleamed in the firelight. Adam chuckled deeply at the
sight.
"A Little Puck, no?" Ben saw that his eyes searched for Rebecca's
face over his son's dark head, grinning, though his eyes were still haunted by
the events of the evening.
Ben
patted his arm again and winked. "I wish Joe had been this easy to brush.
I still remember the fight…the tantrums…". He laughed
when Joe self-consciously ducked his head.
"Never,"
he muttered under his breath. Hoss just punched his back in reply.
Adam
gratefully looked at Ben, then his eyes darted back to his son's face, and he
bowed his head to plant a kiss in the unruly strands. "Our 'Midsummer
night's dream' for sure," he whispered softly.
Jamie
had been cleaned up, fed and put to bed, the incident soon forgotten – but the
name stayed. Adam had continued to call him "his little Puck", much
to everyone's amusement. It suited Jamie very well, Ben thought, for the little
sprite brought magic to their lives day by day, his mischievous, quick-witted
spirit enchanting everyone with his tinkling laughter and delightful smile. Ben
smiled as he remembered … but he also remembered Adam's soft words in the
night, and he knew that the moment when he called Jamie "midsummer night's
dream" would be forever be a moment of magic to him.
~ * ~
"Pa?"
The questioning voice drew him out of his reverie. He looked up to find the
worried glances of his family on him. Hoss sat up and peered closely at his
face.
"You
ok, Pa? Ya have been awfully quiet all day."
Ben nodded
reassuringly and threw Hoss a warm glance. Joe had lifted himself up on his
elbows, his lucent green eyes glittering with the firelight. "You feel
ok?"
"Just
remembering how Jamie got his name." Ben grinned when he heard Joe giggle.
"You don't think your Pa is getting old, are ya?"
"Aw,
come on, Pa, would I ever think such a thing?" Joe laughed when he saw
Adam roll his eyes mockingly.
"I
don't know, would you?" Ben never knew how Joe managed to look mischievous
and contrite at the same time. He lay full-length on the ground, with the
saddle behind his back and obviously enjoyed the conversation.
"Naaa,
he wouldn't,
"Not
while Pa is still able to tan your backside, huh?"
Joe raised
his brows in playful concern. "Me? I'm always good." He nodded
towards Jamie, who was deeply asleep in Adam's arms. "Just wait till he
starts to think of wonderful plans to keep you entertained, brother, and you'll
think of me as the angel." When everyone burst out laughing at that, he
stuck out his tongue, then joined them, raking a hand
through his hair and making it look like a thundercloud in consequence.
"I
guess we can be lucky if you don't teach Jamie any nonsense." Rebecca said,
wiping tears of mirth out of her eyes.
Ben took a
deep breath. "I don't think he'll need any help, Becky." He smirked
when he saw Adam's face. "Sorry, son. But with
that heritage…"
"What
he really needs, though…," Joe paused for more effect, which was quite
spoilt when he had to yawn widely, "is a brother to help him." He
pointedly directed his gaze at Adam, who lazily grinned back at him and
demonstratively laid his arm around his wife. For a second Ben's heart
fluttered in anticipation when he saw Rebecca cast down her eyes in
embarrassment, but with the firelight he wasn't able to tell whether she
actually blushed or not. He directed his own questioning gaze at his oldest
son, but got an almost imperceptible shake of the head in return. Well, perhaps
not yet, but Adam's whole stance said that Jamie wouldn't stay an only child
long.
"Or a nephew, brother." Now it was Adam's turn to smirk when he saw
Joe wriggle uncomfortably. "Ever thought of that?"
Ben raised
his brow, awaiting Joe's answer. For a moment, Joe looked despairingly for
help, then his eyes came to rest on Hoss, and he pointed his thumb in his
direction. "Why don't you ask him? After all, he is older than me."
Having successfully averted all attention from himself and onto his brother, he
settled back, looking so monstrously relieved that Ben couldn't help but shake
his head in amusement. Taking pity on Hoss who was the one who now looked as if
he was going to choke the next moment, Ben decided to smooth things down a bit.
After all, it was late, and tomorrow's journey would not be easier.
"Didn't
you want to play something, Adam?" he asked, raising one brow when he
looked at Adam.
His son
smiled wryly in his father's direction, but he nodded and handed Jamie
carefully over to Rebecca, taking hold of his guitar that leant behind him.
Glancing around, he silently asked for songs, inviting suggestions. When none
come forward, he settled himself comfortably and softly stroked the strings,
until his fingers settled on a melody Ben amusedly realized was
"Greensleves".
For a long
time he just played softly and let the music fill the hearts of his listeners.
Joe had his eyes closed, but a smile hovered on his lips. Hoss dreamily gazed
at the fire, his eyes clouded with dreams. Then Adam's rich baritone rose
softly over the tones of the guitar, giving the old words a voice. Ben leant
back against the pine and sighed when he watched Adam as he sang for Rebecca,
the expression on his face heartbreakingly vulnerable.
"Greensleves
was my delight,
Greensleves
was my heart of joy
And who
but my Lady Greensleves…"
~ * ~
"Is
that the life you want, son?" It was late, the fire almost burned down,
and Ben's thoughts turned towards the next morning.
Tomorrow they
would follow the road further north until
Adam glanced
at him and smiled softly. Ben could see the firelight reflected in his eyes,
but beyond that they were filled with a deep-down happiness he had seldom seen.
"Campfires do that to romantic souls", he mused quietly. Hoss and Joe
had fallen asleep some time ago, and Rebecca, too, had retired and taken Jamie
with her to the wagon. Ben shifted slightly to take a bit of weight off his
back. He had been surprised when he realized that he felt peaceful out here,
with his family around him. It had been a long time since he had sat at a
campfire himself, and a longer time since he had sat at a campfire with a small
boy with enormous golden eyes. That boy had grown into a man years ago, despite
all the hardship life had thrown at him. He had a wife, and a son who looked
liked him, a life of his own, but the eyes were still the same, and Ben knew
that the boy would stay his son forever.
Adam
settled deeper into the blankets and cast a content look into the direction of
the wagon where his family was sleeping. Ben knew he was picturing them in his
mind's eye, Rebecca, curled together on her side, and Little Jamie, probably on
his back next to his mother, legs and arms sprawled wide. Ben smiled at the
thought, then looked up to see Adam's questioning eyes on him.
"Just
thinking of Jamie", he said, and earned himself a raised eyebrow and a
golden look. He grinned.
"The
way he sleeps reminds me of Joe at that age." Ben rubbed a shoulder and
sighed. Other memories came floating back, of Joe, Adam, Hoss, but he didn't
mind.
"Strangely
enough, you always curled yourself up under the blanket and stayed that way all
through the night. Sometimes I even had to disentangle you from it." He
chuckled softly as a memory of a particular strange morning rose up in his
mind.
"And
you always grumbled like a mean old bear while you tried to free a poor
innocent boy of his dilemma." Adam grinned.
"Mean
old bear, hm?" Ben caught Adam's surprised look and the sly grin that
followed and only just caught himself from laughing
out loud.
For another
second he just grinned, then he too settled deeper
into his blanket and sighed with contentment.
"This
land is so beautiful." Adam's voice was raw with emotion and Ben could
hear the yearning in it despite of the soft words. "Is there more one
could want?"
Ben glanced
at his firstborn, the most ambitious of his sons, saw the nights he had spent
behind the books studying contracts and bids, but then he remembered the
expression in his eyes when he sang, and love and longing when he looked at
Rebecca and didn't say anything.
Adam didn't
notice. His gaze was on the trees' shadow outlined in the darkness and the
stars in the distance above.
Ben watched
him. Tomorrow they would leave Adam and his family. He, Hoss and Joe would go
home to the ranch, and Adam would travel the country he loved, his family by
his side. They would say good-bye and not see each other until the beginning of
autumn.
Tomorrow
Adam would be his usual active and reserved self, taking control of everything
that had to be done, carefully planning every step of the way.
Tonight he
was his son, fragile and delicate in the hands of the Lord, clothed in the blue
velvet of the night and covered in stardust. Tonight he was only Adam, his son,
and he watched the beloved face until the golden eyes glanced back at him and
he smiled.
"It is
the life I want, Pa," his son said, his face enchanted with the magic of
the night.
Ben nodded.
"I
know," he said softly.
~ * ~
"Are
you sure you want to take that trail?" Dubiously Ben eyed the winding path
until it disappeared behind some boulders. He glanced back to where the others
waited, then watched Adam who stood next to him, his
arms crossed over his chest, deep in thought. When he finally looked up, he
took some more steps, his attention fixed on the path before him. Small rills
were steadily running down the mountain - result of the week of rain before
they started - soaking the ground and loosening debris.
Ben heard
Adam mutter softly under his breath before he turned back to his waiting
father.
"I
think we'll take it," he announced, casting another considering look onto
the road. "It's only a short way, and if we go slowly, we'll make
it." He turned and waved his arm, signal for the others to come forward.
Then he cocked his head at Ben.
"How
far did you say you wanted to come?"
Ben grinned
sheepishly. "You know, it's been a long time since we saw the lake."
Adam suspiciously narrowed his eyes, but then the corners of his lips quivered
slightly.
"It's
not for long, Pa," he said softly, avoiding Ben's eyes.
Ben sighed.
"I'll miss you anyway, son. Lets have
lunch."
~ * ~
"Would
you please stay put?" Rebecca's irritated voice roused Ben from his nap.
Rolling over, he saw that she was trying to dress Jamie, who, judging from the
state of his hair, had just woken from his own slumber
and was stubbornly refusing to be put into clothes. Clutching his stuffed toy
to his chest, he continually tried to run off to join Hoss and the horses, not
caring about his half-dressed state in the slightest.
When she
finally had enough, she moved into his line of sight and took hold of his chin.
"Sit!"
she ordered, with a voice to be obeyed, and Ben chuckled when the boy sat where
he stood without another word. Even so, when Rebecca moved a step to the side,
he tried to peer around her to look at his horsies again, though his bottom
never left the blanket.
"Smart kid!"
He must
have said it aloud, because Becky turned and looked at him, then glanced at her
offspring. Ben saw she had a hard time not laughing, as she sternly told Jamie
not to move while she dressed him. Jamie, his lips almost quivering, held on to
his toy while Rebecca got his clothes on, never letting go for a moment. Ben's
heart gave a small squeeze when he recognized the toy, but he smiled at his
grandson when he finally was allowed to race off to see the horses.
"He'll
never give it up, hm?" Ben remarked to Becky, nodding into the direction
of the boy where he stood next to Hoss, the toy held in one small hand. It was
an old one, already worn and mended at several places, but Jamie didn't seem to
mind.
Becky
smiled and softly touched his arm. "Never."
~ * ~
They
were still at the lunch table, when Hoss came down the steps again, carrying a
huge chest on his shoulder. Ben looked up from his coffee when he saw the dark
object, and frowned when he recognized it. His eyes went over to Adam, but his
son just watched Hoss and went on drinking his coffee, one eyebrow raised.
Becky's face was a study of curiosity, but when she turned towards her husband
for an explanation he just smiled and put his arm around her. Ben exhaled
softly. As long as it wasn't bothering Adam, he wouldn't say anything. Joe on
the other hand rose and curiously went over to Hoss who deposited the chest on
the table in the living room.
"Care
to tell us what you have in mind, son?" He knew the things that were in
there, and wondered what had made Hoss bring it down today. The chest was
Adam's, holding the few things from his childhood they had managed to save over
the years and the distance. He wasn't sure whether Adam wanted to be reminded
of some of the painful memories in there.
Hoss
glanced up then, realizing for the first time that whatever he had in mind
might not be such a good idea after all. He sought out Adam and silently asked
him for permission, which was given with a small nod, almost imperceptible for
someone not watching closely. Only then did Hoss turn towards Ben and explained.
"Ya
know, we've been speaking so much about family and traditions and such…I
thought it might be good for the wee one to have som'thin'
of his Pa."
Ben
shook his head and smiled. Trust Hoss to think of something like this. It was
true what he had said, and Ben could see that he had already infected Joe with
his idea. They were already busy rummaging through the chest like two small
children with a treasure box, and only low exclamations from Adam to "take
it easy" slowed their eagerly searching hands. In a way, that was what it
was, Ben realized as he watched his sons, a box filled with treasures. No
matter that they knew what was in the box, that they had opened it numerous
times already. Delving through their oldest brother’s belongings was like discovering a whole
new world.
"You
know, I have never seen this chest before," Rebecca said. She watched her
brothers-in-law a second longer, then turned back to Adam and gently touched
his thigh. Adam smiled softly and raised her hand to his mouth to plant a light
kiss on her palm.
"Go
on and discover the dark secrets of your husband, Mrs. Cartwright," he
said and winked, but Rebecca just laughed and kissed his cheek. "I
will," she whispered conspiratorially, and Ben saw a gleam of mischief
dance in her eyes.
Concerned
he turned to Adam.
"Son,
don't you think…"
Adam
glanced at him, then smiled assuringly, his amber eyes saying more than his
words.
"She
knows what's in there,
Ever
since Rebecca and Adam had announced that they were going to have a baby, they
had talked about their family, bringing up old memories and stories they hadn't
told in years. Rebecca had listened raptly, and her
cheeks had glowed while she had tried to commit it all to memory. Ben had been
deeply moved to see it, knowing that she did it to be able to tell their child
its history. Still, some stories told of sorrow were still not forgotten, and
more than once he had seen the dark shadows that still lurked in the golden
eyes of his oldest son, and knew that his own face must have mirrored his loss,
for his sons had quietened then. Adam had often taken Rebecca upstairs,
probably to tell her the rest of the story. Hoss had sent him an apologetic
glance and cleared his throat before disappearing into the kitchen, and Joe had
clapped his shoulder in comfort before he, too, headed outside.
The
stories were good. Ben knew that. They helped to keep the memories alive,
helped remember the losses of this family and reminded the living how precious
life was. If Adam was able to sit quietly and watch his family rummage through
his past, then it meant that he was at peace. Ben felt again how grateful he
was for his family. Under his breath he said a quick prayer of thanks, then took his coffee cup and got up to join his
other sons in their treasure hunt.
Behind
him he thought he heard Adam mumble "Children!" but when he turned
around, his brows drawn together, the dark head was bowed over the cup, and he
smiled. A shout from the living room brought his attention back to Hoss, Joe
and Becky. All of them were grinning all over their faces as they bent over the
chest, and when Ben peered over their shoulders, he, too, couldn't keep from
smiling.
He
looked up to beckon Adam over from the dinner table, only to discover him
standing next to him. Nodding softly, he motioned with his head to the stuffed
bear the boys just held up for Becky to inspect.
"Remember
him?" he asked softly.
Adam met his eyes, and for a moment Ben didn't see the man, but a small
boy staring back at him, unruly black curls framing his radiant face. He blinked, and the image
disappeared, but the eyes that looked at him were still the same. Adam
questioningly raised a brow, and Ben chuckled.
"How
old were you?"
"Five?"
Adam turned back and took another look into the chest, over the backs of his
brothers. "I'm still surprised you kept it."
Ben
snorted softly. "How could I not? You wouldn't let go of it for a second
the first week. And afterwards you made sure you always knew where it was. What
did you call it? I think I forgot."
Adam
smiled self-consciously, but his eyes held a glint of amusement.
"Ben."
"Mmm,
now I remember. I always felt honoured." Laughing softly and rubbing a
hand over his chin, the namesake of the toy reached towards the table, where
Hoss and Joe had laid out a small collection of the things they thought would
suit the baby. Some wooden soldiers were there that had been carved by Ben,
some animals, a rag ball. Ben gently stroked a finger over the rough surface of
a wooden block that had once represented a wagon, it's
colours faded now. He just wanted to ask Adam about it, but when he
straightened up, he saw that his son's mind was no longer on the chest.
Instead, he looked at Rebecca, who was holding the small stuffed bear close to
the slight bulge of her belly, his face carefully blank. Ben, standing next to
him, though, felt the small shiver that ran through his body.
"I
see she made her choice, then." Gently he laid his hand on Adam's shoulder
and was rewarded when his son lifted the corners of his lips in a smile.
~ * ~
Adam quirked his lips in an amused half-smile. Ben rubbed his neck when he glanced
at him, and he could tell Joe was about to burst out laughing the next second.
His lips already twitched when he observed his brother's dilemma, but so far he
had been holding back. Hoss stood before them, nervously playing with the
buttons on Jamie's jacket whom he held on his arm.
"I…I
…uh…promised 'im, Adam!" His gaze wandered over
to Rebecca, pleading for understanding. "He said he liked ta ride, and I dun promised he could."
Ben wanted
to laugh out loud. Adam, because of his own weird sense of humour, hadn't told
Hoss and Joe yet that they would accompany him until
Adam rubbed
a knuckle over his lips, unsuccessfully trying to hide his own amusement. When
Hoss continued to stutter words of apology, he exchanged a look with Rebecca.
Finally he stepped forward and peered closely at Hoss who seemed to shrink
under the cool gaze.
"Please,
brother, tell me how my 2 year old son managed to convince you to let him
ride?"
Hoss
crumbled further, but then Adam obviously took pity on him and slapped him
comfortingly on the shoulder.
"Well,
if you promised, then you will have to take him." He laughed when Hoss
hopefully raised his eyes. "Seems to me we're going to
enjoy each other's company just a bit longer." Winking at Rebecca
who just shook her head, he affectionately ran a hand through Jamie's hair,
then hoisted him onto his own hip and nodded at Hoss.
"Mount
up and I'll swing the young man up to you."
Hoss was
only too happy to comply. "I tell ya, Adam, ya shure
havta look out fer this
young 'un. He's sneaky, that fella."
"Oh,
now you're hiding behind the boy?" Ben glared at Hoss, hands in his sides,
but Adam just laughed.
"Oh, I
wouldn't worry about it, Hoss. After all, he has two uncles to look out for
him." Grinning mischievously when he saw Hoss' cheeks turn red with that,
he kissed Jamie's chubby cheek, then held him up for Hoss to place him in front
of him.
"Don't
worry, Hoss. Pa had already persuaded me to let you come a bit further."
He thoroughly enjoyed his brother's incredulous face when he stared at Ben who
shrugged good-naturedly in response.
"You
would have found out soon enough, son. No need to upset you
unnecessarily." Ben explained, then raised his
eyebrows when Jamie, hands clapping excitedly, bumped his little legs up and down,
trying to get the horse to walk.
"Go,
go, go", he chanted, and Hoss tightened his grip to keep him from falling
off.
"I see
the young man is getting tired of waiting. We better get going." Ben blew
a kiss to Jamie and turned to get his horse, only to almost bump into Buck as
he found himself suddenly face to face with his mount.
"What
the …"
"I
thought I'd help you to get going, or we are going to spend the night
here." Joe's light voice spoke from above Cochise, ringing with hilarity.
"I just
wish you had that much insight every time we want to go somewhere", Ben
mumbled under his breath, but he took the reigns from Joe nevertheless and
mounted. Adam still stood with Hoss and Jamie, one hand on Chubb's withers, the
other on Jamie's leg, but when Joe called out, he
patted the horse and went to take his seat on the wagon where Rebecca was
already waiting.
~ * ~
Following
the path, they went up higher into the mountains. The undergrowth next to the
road became thicker, the ground wetter. Sometimes Ben could see evidence of the
destructive power of nature right and left of the road where landslides had
devastated the natural growth. Boulders had been carried down by an untamable
force, felling trees like matches where they had gone. In some spots nature had
already begun to pullulate and cover the damages, but others were still bare
and naked, the havoc still visible. The path they had taken wound itself
through the mountains, and grew steeper with every mile. Ben knew that Adam
didn't like the look of the slopes at all; repeatedly he saw him checking the
trail, frowning as he did, but he didn't say anything. Ben caught himself
observing the incline, too, but just as with Adam he couldn't put down his
finger on anything specific.
When the
path became too narrow for them to ride next to the wagon, Hoss and Joe chose
to ride in front, Ben behind. He heard his sons joke with Jamie, Hoss pointing
out birds to him every now and then, while Joe teased him incessantly, keeping
his mind occupied. Ben smiled and turned his eyes back on the trail. The earth
plunged down heavily just some feet away, and unconsciously he urged Buck
further to the wall. Adam too drove at a slower pace, carefully examining the
road as he went.
"You still there, Pa?"
Ben looked
up and saw Joe waving to him. He had turned Cochise in the attempt to see what
had kept his brother and father.
"Joe,
I swear, you're the most impatient guy on Earth." Hoss had stopped , too, shaking his head when he saw the exercises
his brother was doing on his horse.
Joe pulled
a face that had Jamie squeal with delight. "I have to entertain myself
when older brother here dawdles like he does."
"Dawdle?"
Ben heard Adam's deep voice and could almost imagine his taunting smile.
"Look
who's speaking."
Joe
bristled visibly. "Why do you always have to pick on something that
happened ages ago?"
"Ya
have been such a darlin' lately that we havta do it to make us feel superior." Hoss tried to interfere
before any real damage could be done, but Ben wouldn't have placed any bets on
him.
"Does
it work?" Rebecca seemed curious. Ben couldn't see her face, but he saw
Joe's, who looked at her in surprise.
"Of
course it does," Adam assured her smugly. "Why do you think we use
it?"
Ben
couldn't understand what he said then because he heard a soft rumble that
distracted him for a second, but whatever it was,
Joe's eyes sparkled when he looked back at him. He seemed almost embarrassed
when he glanced at Ben, but soon his smile returned. Lolling lazily in the
saddle, he winked at Adam, then laughed and turned his horse back on the path.
Hoss gave Adam a relieved grin, then took hold of Jamie's tiny hand and waved
his parents, before he, too, continued the ride.
Ben only
shook his head.
For another
mile they rode in silence, with only Jamie's light babbling and Hoss' soft
replies.
Then
suddenly Ben heard it again, a low rumbling that filled the air, and when the
ground shook, he thought for a second his heart stopped. Almost of their own
accord, his eyes lifted to the summit of the hill, seeing without believing the
growing cloud of dust that veiled the trees and marked where the debris,
loosened by the long rain, and sliding on the wet ground, was coming down onto
the small party, aiming directly at the wagon. His mind suddenly blank, he
heard Adam's urgent voice, calling out to him.
"Pa!
Get back!"
That woke
him. He tried to move then, but Buck fought his rider, terrified of what was to
happen, and Ben had to use all his strength to keep the animal under him. The
ground shook again, and in front of him he heard his sons' frantic voices as
their horses panicked, heard Hoss' hoarse voice and Jamie's crying, but the
only one he had eyes for was Adam. Standing in the wagon, shouting orders on
tops of his lungs, he was holding on to the reins for all he was worth,
fighting desperately against the horses' will to run. Ben cried out with
anguish when he saw it, realizing with desperate clarity what his son was
doing, knowing the path had suddenly become a death trap.
He couldn't
move backwards because his father was behind him, he couldn't move forward
because Hoss and Joe were in front of him trying to keep their bucking horses
under control, trying to protect their brother's son. Trying
to protect Jamie.
Ben's mind
whirled with useless ideas to find a way out, but just then another shout
alerted him.
"PA!"
Alarmed,
Ben lifted his head, but it was already too late. With horror in his eyes he
couldn't do anything but watch helplessly when the avalanche of sand and stone
reached the path, reached them in a cloud of boulders and dust, crashed onto
the wagon and half turned it to the side – and down the incline, into the abyss
waiting beyond. Frozen, he watched in horror, praying that there was something
he could do when he knew deep inside his heart that there was nothing, nothing
at all.
All he
could do was watch in horror as the wagon was carried over the slope and into
the abyss.
Then it was
over, just as suddenly as it had begun. In a second's notice the mountain had
moved, in a second's notice it had stopped. In a second's notice it had taken
two lives.
Ben stared
at the rubbish on the path, the spot where moments ago the wagon had been, where
his son had been. Now, there was only a heap of debris and rubble, marking the
path the landslide had taken. Ben stared at it, not believing. All he could see
was the sickening sight of the wagon carried along and being transported over
the edge.
He stared
at Hoss and Joe on the other side of the avalanche, holding on to Jamie,
wordlessly praying , but their bloodless faces
confirmed his worst fears. Abruptly he shook himself. He had to do something,
anything … even if it meant to know for sure.
"Take
Jamie and try to find a way down. I'll try it here and …",
he wasn't able to finish his sentence, but seeing their desperate glances, he
knew he had to say something, something to let them hope, something to cling on
to.
"We'll
find them," he said softly, knowing that he needed to hear it aloud as
much as they did. Then he urged Buck into the undergrowth, away from
the place of pain, away from the place where his family's life had been taken
from them.
~ * ~
Ben hardly
knew where he rode or how he got down that slope. He never remembered the
direction the horse took or the twigs and branches that pulled at his body, the
leaves that stroke his face. He never remembered how he managed to reach the ground,
never remembered the bloody streaks on his hands, never felt the tears on his
cheeks.
All he
would ever remember was the sight of the wagon where he found it, lying on its
side, the remains half-buried among the stones that had taken it with them -
and knowing that all hope was lost.
All he
would ever remember was the piece of black fabric on one bloody shoulder, and
his son's hand under the wreckage that held his wife's, the bodies buried under
the stones and wood that had taken their lives.
"Oh dear God, no!"
His eyes
blind, he fell to his knees and sobbed. Sickness rose in his throat and
overwhelmed him, and he retched when the waves of pain rolled through his body.
With both hands, held on to the ground for dear life, knowing that if he lost
his last anchor, his last connection to reality, he would drown in his pain and
never get up again. His mind screamed that he had imagined what had happened …
because…because … it couldn't be true, could it? Then his son's amber eyes
looked at him through the veil of pain he had wrapped around himself, tearing
his soul out of his body with both hands, and helplessly he retched again until
he was spent and fell on his side, arms wrapped around his body, trying to hold
on to anything, anything.
For a
second he forgot what had happened, lying still on the ground, trying not to
move. Then, the memories came back, and he knew there was no escape for him, no
refuge, no salvation, just the black hole that swallowed everything.
He heaved
again, his hands clutching bundles of grass in the futile attempt to keep his sanity.
Voices suddenly penetrated through the pain-filled haze he was in, calling him,
waking him, and he sat up in desperation and willed his body to work, willed it
to obey.
"Nooo!!"
he shouted, his voice frantic. "Stay away!"
Through blurring
eyes he saw Hoss and Joe halting their horses, saw
Jamie in front of his son - and heard when his heart broke, felt the sharp pain
in his chest and welcomed it. He scrambled to his feet, tears streaming down
his cheeks, while he desperately tried to stop them from coming any nearer. He
choked, felt the taste of bile rising in his throat again and swallowed hard.
He couldn't break down, not now, he just couldn't.
Blind with
tears he turned to his sons, trembling. "Get back," he shouted,
praying they would go, and not see their brother, would not see his body,
lifeless and beaten as he had seen him.
But Joe
must have heard the desperate note in his voice. He handed Hoss the reins and
came over, walking slowing, shaking, and Ben knew he couldn't spare him when
all he wanted was to send him away, blessed with ignorance.
Ben ran a
hand through his hair, shivering so strongly that he could hardly stay upright.
He was glad that Hoss didn't come any nearer, glad that he took care of Jamie
whom he did not want to see what had happened to his parents. Jamie … he
couldn't think of Jamie, couldn't think of Jamie without seeing the amber eyes
of his son, lost to him forever.
But Joe
went to him, and he couldn't stop him, couldn't stop his brother from
wanting to know. He bit his lip in a failing attempt to keep from moaning out
loud. The tears spilled over at the sight of his son's frightened eyes, and all
he could do was stare at him, willing him to go back.
Joe was
white as a sheet by the time he reached him. The tears were running freely now,
but Ben didn't even notice. All he could see was the face of his son, and he
clenched his hands into fists so that he could stay upright and face what had
to be done. He gritted his teeth again, and tried to swallow, but the pain
inside of him was almost too much, consuming his body.
Joe came to
him, and he could see that he knew the truth and tried to deny it. He pulled
his boy to his chest, and had the fists bury themselves in his shirt while he
held him tight. Then he held him at arm's length and willed Joe to look at him.
"Joe,
go back. I don't want you to see it." It hurt to see his son as he broke
down sobbing, but he couldn't allow it.
"He's
my brother, I have the right …", Joe's green eyes
were pleading, begging his father, tearing whatever strength Ben had.
"NOOO!" He shouted with fury born of desperation. His chest was heaving while
he tried to regain control again. If he lost it now, then he wouldn't be able
to go on, to do what had to be done, he couldn't break down now. Not now.
He searched
for Joe's eyes again. "Don't", he said.
'Don't.' He
silently pleaded with Joe. 'Please, don't.'
But Joe
struggled, and Ben held his jacket; and when he sank into his arms, he held him
tight and touched his neck.
"Go
back," he said, and it was an order to be obeyed. "Go back. Bring a
doc and some hands to help, but don't come back here." His voice was calm
this time, his mind busying himself with what he had to do … and keeping the
image away that would haunt him forever.
He saw his
son's eyes again, green as the grass on the summer pasture, wide with pain and
fear, the cheeks stained wet.
"Keep Jamie away."
"But Pa!"
"Keep
him away," he pleaded, his voice breaking, and his son turned away then, not
saying a word but he knew he was crying, he had seen
the tears.
He watched
as Joe reached Hoss, and saw the older man sharply turn his head towards his
father, but he couldn't see his face, because he bent down to Jamie in his
saddle, and whispered something, then they both turned
and rode away. Ben watched them for a minute, saw the silhouettes getting
smaller …and fell to his knees.
Then his
glance shifted towards the mountain and the tragedy it had brought to his
family – and he knew he couldn't wait much longer. Slowly getting up, moving as
though he were underwater, he walked to where his oldest son lay
dead, his hands intertwined with his wife's.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
~ * ~
From far
away Ben heard the voices, saw bodies move back and forth, but he didn't
acknowledge them. Colourful dots moved back and forth in front of his eyes,
moved from that first carriage that had brought all those people to the site
where the wagon was, a miserable heap of broken promises and memories too heavy
to bear.
Green eyes
repeatedly appeared before him, saying something he couldn't understand, didn't
want to understand. The pain was too much. He couldn't bear it. His beautiful
son was dead, and the golden amber eyes would never smile at him again. His son
was dead.
Hands
grabbed his arms and hauled him to his feet, and he struggled because he didn't
want to leave his son alone, but then they let him down, in the shadow of a
pine whose branches moved gently with the breeze. Yes, he thought absently,
pines were their mark, standing straight and tall, just like his son. A bird
sang somewhere high above him, and he lifted his head and saw the blue sky,
felt the wind on his skin. The tears ran down his throat, into his shirt.
Some people
came and spoke to him, but he couldn't listen, couldn't concentrate. Words
floated around him like a storm, but there was only one that he heard, one he
understood. Jamie. Jamie, who looked so much like his father
that Ben wanted to cry out with the pain that pierced his heart. Jamie.
And then he heard the voice of his son in his mind, reminding him, and he
smiled softly despite his tears.
"Remember,"
he thought. "I will always remember."
~ *
~
Adam
came down the stairs, tears running freely and
unheeded over his cheeks and into his collar. His eyes were sparkling, his
whole body radiating with joy and life. Never before had Ben seen him so
fulfilled; never before had he seen his oldest son so gleaming, so completely
and absolutely happy as in that moment, and his own heart welled over at the
sight of it. It was as if all the sadness, all the dark moments that had
accompanied his oldest son all his life culminated in this moment of peace.
Ben was too happy to speak. He tried to take a
step nearer, but his knees were shaking, and then Adam was right next to him,
his eyes golden with light, holding in his arms the tiny baby he couldn't stop
looking at.
"Jamie
Benjamin Cartwright," he whispered huskily, and then looked up at Ben with
the most enchanted smile on his face his father had ever seen.
Uselessly
Ben tried to wipe his own tears away, but they just spilled over at the sight
of his grandson and blurred his vision, but he touched Adam's neck and drew him
closer, in an embrace with Jamie Cartwright between them, protected by their
bodies, safe in their midst – their future. Ben looked at Adam,
saw his eyes shining wet with happiness and knew that life was good.
~ *
~
The end.