Did I See What I Think I Saw?
by
Christy Gleason
Well, after I seen her, a'course I done backed right out of that
there saloon, and I was wondering good and hard if'n I wasn't
a bit sun-tetched. I mean, I ain't given t' what my brother Adam
calls "delusions" but what I seen would'a made anyone doubt their
eyes. A'course, had I been spendin' all afternoon in the Bucket of
Blood, that'd be one thing. But I'd just walked in. I hadn't even
had time to order one dang ol' beer.
At least I thought I hadn't. Then I wondered if maybe I hadn't `a
had me a whole keg and just plain forgot. But then I realized that
that couldn't be the case, on account that ain't the sort of thing
what happens when I'm in town with Adam. He don't cotton
t'drinkin' `til you're tight as an owl. I only end up doin' stuff
like then when I'm hangin' around with my younger brother, Little Joe.
Incidentally, that's why it's always a heap more fun t'go t'town with
Little Joe, than it is with Adam. Now I ain't denyin' that when I go
with Adam we gets us a lot more work done. But we don't have near
the fun doin' it as me and Joe do. But Joe wasn't in town this time,
on account last time he left the ranch, he done went an' got
screamin' drunk, lost hisself a heap of money at the card table,and
didn't make it home `til somewhere goin' on three in the mornin'.
And boy, when Pa lit into him, I was mighty glad I'd given Virginia
City a miss that time. So now Joe was confined to the ranch for a
whole month, and that meant I wasn't gonna be seein' alot of fun
times fer a while.
So I knew I weren't drunk, but I couldn't deny what I'd seen,
neither. So I stood outside the saloon fer a while, scratchin' my
head, but that didn't really help nothin'. Now I know folks `round
these parts'll tell ya I ain't likely t' go bowlegged totin' m'brains
around, but I'm bright enough t' know when I'm licked. So I thought,
I best be findin' Big Brother Adam, and askin' his opinion. And
figgerin' where he'd be weren't no hard task. It was too late fer
the bank t'be open, so's I knew he wasn't in there countin' the money
in the safe t'make sure it was solvent, and I'd'a just seen he
weren't in the saloon, so the only other place I knew he'd be was at
the General Store, lookin' at books. See, my brother Adam's powerful
smart. He's even been t'college, and if there's one thing he likes
t' spend his time an' money on it's books. Never figgered that one
out, myself, but he's a nice-eough feller, even if he ain't so fun as
Joe, so I just let him at it, so long as he don't try t'read out loud
t'me.
So I wandered down the street, and sure enough, there he was at the
General Store. I could see him through the winder, his nose shoved
in a book and no clue what was goin' on around him.
I stuck my head in the door and cleared my throat.
"Ahem...uh...Adam...?"
He looked up, real blank-like, and I could tell his mind was on what
he was readin' and not on me. So I shuffled m' feet a bit,and asked
him if'n he wouldn't come outside so's I could talk to him. I had
his full attention, then, and he looked real concerned. So he put
his book back on the shelf and came outside with me.
"What's the matter, Hoss?" he asked me, real worried-like. "Are
you
okay?"
I shuffled my feet again, not wanting t'come out with it. I could
tell, though, that the longer I held off talkin' the more worried my
brother became, so I figgered I'd best ask him straight out.
"Adam..." I asked. "Am I crazy?"
Adam kept lookin' at me, at first still troubled, then, after a
minute, you could see he was gettin' annoyed. I've know him long
enough t'know that he was thinkin' somethin' like: Are you telling
me that I stopped readin' fer this? So then I started
squirmin'.
Then he done answered kinda testy-like. "Of course you're crazy,
Hoss. You've been crazy ever since I've known you, and I've known
you since you were about two minutes old."
That's Adam's idea of funny, you understand, and it always ticks me
off proper.
"Dang it, Adam," I told him. "It ain't funny. I think I'm
seein'
things."
Adam rolled his eyes. "You've been drinking, haven't you?"
"No, I ain't!" I told him, stung. "I ain't had a drop!"
Adam looked like he didn't believe me none, but I'm bigger than what
he is, so he knows not t'call me a liar. "Well," he said, "what
do
you think you've been seeing?"
I shuffled around a bit more, `til Adam told me that he wasn't in the
mood fer a dance, and if he was I sure wouldn't be the one he'd be
askin' no how, so would I mind spittin' it out?
So I plunged in and said it. "Adam...do we have us a sister?"
Adam stared at me, with his eyes big as them dinner platters Hop Sing
pulls out when we's havin' company fer supper.
"Hoss," he told me slowly, "you know we don't have any sisters."
He
stared at me a mite longer. "What on earth made you ask that,
anyway?"
I squirmed some more, and finally said it. "I was just in the Bucket
of Blood and..."
"Aha!" Adam interrupted. "I knew it! You WERE drinking."
"Now that ain't fair, Adam. I admit I done stuck my nose in there,
but when I saw...well, I lit right back out again. Honest!"
"Oh, all right. So what was so all-fired terrifying that you
couldn't hang around the saloon, and what does this have to do with
our non-existent sisters?"
"Well, I seen they got this here new saloon girl and...well...I swear
she looks a heap like..."
"Who?"
"Promise you won't laugh..."
"I'm not promising anything of the sort!"
I glared at him, but he didn't back down, so I just dropped my eyes,
and admitted what I done seen. "That there girl sure looked a heap
like Joe's ma."
"What?"
"Adam, you know Joe's got a brother through his ma. You sure he
ain't got a sister, too?"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, a sure sign he's
holdin' onto his temper fer all he's worth. "Hoss, if we have a long-
lost sister, she wouldn't be working at a saloon. Not if she knew
what was good for her. Come on. Let's go over there. I guarantee
you that you just didn't get a good look at her. You saw a passing
resemblance to Marie, and just jumped to conclusions. Aren't I
always telling you that you need to think things out more
logically?"
Well, he is always tellin' me that, and I don't appreciate it none
neither, so I didn't wanna encourage him. So I didn't say nothin.
So we headed back down the street `til we was standin' in front of
the saloon. You could hear the piano music comin' out, and it was
dang near twilight outside, so the lights comin' from inside seemed
mighty invitin'. But after what I seen before, I wasn't sure I
wanted t'go back in. I mean, what if I weren't imaginin' things
after all?
But my brother, seein' as how he didn't believe me no how, he didn't
have no problem enterin'. He just walked right through them swingin'
doors, pullin' me after him.
I didn't wanna go, but with Adam yankin' on me, I didn't have the
guts t'stay outside. So in I went. I looked up, and sure enough,
there she still was. Sittin' at one of the tables where it looked
like a red-hot poker game was goin' on, and holdin' a glass of
whiskey in her hand. She was wearin' this pink dress that was all
spangly-like, and I swear on all that's holy she done looked just
like Ma.
I looked over at Adam t'see what he was thinkin'. He was starin'
right at her as well, and I heard him draw in a great big breath,
just like he does when he's about t'start singin'. So I knew he
could see how much she looked like Ma, too. But then he opened his
mouth. And when his voice came out it weren't them nice sonorous
tones we's used to from him. Instead it was his very best, Pa-like
yellin' fit. And you won't believe it, but this here is what
he said.
"JOSEPH FRANCIS CARTWRIGHT, YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"
Well, I looked at that gal, and her green eyes had gotten all round
and scared. And that's when it dawned on me. That weren't my
sister. That was my brother!
So Joe let out this little squeak, and he made fer the upstairs, but
Adam was too quick for him. He grabbed Little Joe by the strap on
that little party dress he was wearin' and dragged him into a private
room.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam yelled. And boy, when
Adam
gets mad, danged if he ain't the spit of Pa.
"See, Adam, it's like this..." Joe started, only he couldn't
say
much, on account Adam was shakin' him `til his teeth was chatterin'.
I pulled Adam offa Joe, and Joe shrank into the corner. I wouldn't
let Adam near him, but sure as shootin' I wanted me an explanation,
too. And Joe musta known I did, `cause he took one look at me, and
gave me this sorta sick smile and started explainin'.
"Well, it's just that I haven't been to town for two whole weeks,
and
I wanted a game and a drink, only I knew that someone would mention
to Pa they saw me here, so I figured if I was a gal, he wouldn't find
out. You two ain't gonna tell on me, are you?"
"I ought to horsewhip you," Adam snarled. "Go change into
some
proper clothes, and we'll see if we can't get you back to the ranch
without anyone finding out."
So Joe slunk off to change, and me and Adam just stared at each
other, not believin' what had just happened. I mean, our brother Joe
done comes up with some strange idears now and again, but this one
done takes all the prizes!
Then the strangest thing happened. Adam just up and started
laughin'. And the longer he laughed, the harder he laughed. And
after a minute, I started laughin' too, and we both just laughed and
laughed `til we was bent over nearly double from not
breathin'.
Well, we got holda Joe, double-quick, and smuggled him outta town and
back to the ranch, and Pa never did find out what happened. But if'n
you ever hear me or Adam callin' Joe "Josephine", well, now you
know
why that is.
The End