THE WANNABEE ACTOR
By
Lynne C
Mr Craigsmuir tried to keep a straight face, as yet another person began their audition. Ever since arriving in Virginia City, Walter had begun to feel that he could not get a minute’s peace. Half the townspeople seemed to see themselves as aspiring thespians, and no matter where the poor man went, someone came up to him and asked if they could audition, in order to join his company of travelling players. Most of them had no talent, whatsoever, and it was getting harder for Walter to know just what to say, to let them down, gently.
When the offer had come from Ben, inviting him to stay at the Ponderosa, Craigsmuir was hoping for a brief respite from all the attention, but it soon became apparent that the eldest Cartwright son, also had aspirations of treading the boards. For two days, Craigsmuir tried to avoid Adam’s persistent demands to audition for him, but by the third day, he’d had enough and returned to Virginia City, pleading the need to be closer to the theatre, for rehearsals.
“Oh, I understand, Mr Craigsmuir, and I’d love to come and help you run through your lines,” said Adam, who had toyed with the idea of a stage career, ever since meeting Edwin Booth, at college. “That way, you can rehearse and hear me audition, all at the same time.”
“Well, give me a couple of days to familiarise myself with the new script, and then we’ll see,” said Walter, as he took up the reins, and prepared to leave the ranch.
“Certainly, Mr Craigsmuir, anything you say,” said Adam, waving the man off, and failing to see the expressions on his younger brothers’ faces.
Hoss and Little Joe couldn’t understand why Adam was acting the way he was.
“He’s usually so doggone down to earth, and all this brown nosin’ jest ain’t Adam’s style,” said Hoss, to Joe, as they cleaned out the barn.
Joe giggled.
“Yeah, he’s acting like a stage door Johnny, only this is round a man, not a girl. If it was a beautiful actress, I could understand it.”
“Well, it’s not like he’s courtin’ Mr Craigsmuir, Little Joe, he jest wants the man ta give him a job with the company.”
“And where does that leave us, if Adam goes off on a tour with ‘em? I’ll tell ya where it leaves us, with all his chores and with Pa complaining about that irresponsible brother of ours, who has left him short handed. We’ll never hear the last of it.”
“I don’t think we havta worry about that, too much, brother,” said Hoss. “Mr Craigsmuir don’t seem all fired keen on hirin’ Adam. I mean, older brother was even standing outside the bathhouse door, quoting Shakespeare, and Mr Craigsmuir didn’t rush out and give him a job, did he?”
“No, but we all know how stubborn our big brother can be, and he might just wear that Craigsmuir fella down. I mean, just between me and you, Adam’s pretty good at that acting stuff. When you and I were kids, he used to tell us great stories and do all kinds of different accents, didn’t he? And he did a fair bit in the amateur dramatics, until Miss Jones scared him away.”
“What do you reckon we can do about it, then? I don’t want Adam goin’ off ta be an actor, it ain’t a fittin’ profession fer a real man. I wouldn’t feel right havin’ a brother dressin’ up in tights an’ all, would you?”
“No, I wouldn’t. Can you imagine what the guys in the bunkhouse would say? I mean, when he did that amateur stuff, he was a lot younger, but like you say, it ain’t a proper job for a man, not a Cartwright, anyway. I reckon I’d be in a fight just about every weekend, if I had a brother who was an actor.”
Hoss decided that now was not the time to remind Joe that he was already in a fight every weekend, so nothing would change, as he wanted Joe on his side.
“What can we do, then, to stop it happening?”
“Leave it with me,” said Joe. “It’ll be a couple of days before Adam can see Mr Craigsmuir again, so we’ve got a bit of time.”
Hoss was happy to let his little brother think on it, as he knew that Joe very often came up with some pretty good ideas, so he carried on with his chores, leaving Joe sitting on a bale of hay, with his eyes closed.
‘Best leave him, when he’s deep in thought,’ and Hoss did Joe’s chores, too, which was what Joe was hoping for.
Adam talked about nothing else than his upcoming meeting with Mr Craigsmuir and he kept asking Ben’s opinion on what was the best scene to try and impress the man with.
“Should I go for tragedy, or for comedy? I mean, I think I handle both, pretty well, but I don’t want to typecast myself into just one kind of role. I want him to see how versatile I can be.”
“I’m sure whatever you choose will be fine, Adam,” said Ben. “However, I am not really that sure I can afford to have you leaving, at this time. We do have an awful lot of work lined up.”
“I know that, Pa, but if I get this job, who knows what it will lead to? I could soon be earning enough to send you back the wages to take on two extra hands and they can do my work for me, and it won’t be costing you anything.”
Ben could see how much this meant to Adam and so decided to say no more about it. After all, Adam was nearly thirty and so more than old enough to make his own decisions as to how he wanted to live his life.
“Fair enough, son, I hope it all works out for you,” said Ben, patting the young man’s hand.
On the morning that Adam was planning to ride into Virginia City, in order
to see Mr Craigsmuir, again, Joe woke up earlier than he usually did, and
went along to Hoss’ room.
“Hi, Hoss, come on wake up, you big ox. I think I know how we can stop our brother becoming an actor and leaving the family hearth and home. I’ve gotta go into town, before Adam does, and I want you to cover for me, with Pa, and then go with Adam, when he visits Mr Craigsmuir. All you have to do is back up everything that Craigsmuir says, as by the time I have finished with him, he will be desperate to have Adam in his company.”
Hoss, who was only just waking up, screwed up his face, looking totally confused.
“What d’ya mean, Joe? Why should I agree with Craigsmuir, iffen he wants Adam? I thought the plan was to get Craigsmuir to say he didn’t want Adam.”
Joe outlined his idea, and then headed down the back stairs, so to avoid seeing his father and his brother. He was soon on the way to town, and arrived at Mr Craigsmuir’s hotel, as the actor was eating breakfast.
“Good morning, young Cartwright, and what brings you to town this early?” said Walter, as Joe joined him, in the dining room.
“Mornin’ sir,” said Joe. “May I join you? I just wanted to give you some pointers that might help, when you are deciding whether or not to hire my big brother.”
“Please sit down, Joseph,” said Walter. “As I already told Adam, I am not really in a position to take on any actors, at the moment, it is character actresses I am short of. Not the beautiful young, leading ladies, but the more mature women, who can play the spinster aunt, or the old dowager duchess.”
“I know that, sir, but once I’ve talked to you, I think you might change your mind about my brother,” said Joe, and he started to explain.
Later that morning, Adam and Hoss rode into town and met up with Mr Craigsmuir,
at the theatre. Adam was surprised that Hoss accompanied him, but was reassured
by Hoss’ words.
“I’ve bin thinkin’ about this actin’, Adam, and I reckon that iffen you’re that serious about it, then I oughta support ya, so here I am.”
“Thanks, Hoss, that means a lot.”
Adam spent an hour or so, helping Mr Craigsmuir run through his lines and then Walter suggested they went over to his hotel.
“I would like to hear you recite something else, Adam, a piece that you particularly like, rather than just reading out the lines, to me. It’s quieter back at my rooms, so let’s go there.”
The three men did so, and were soon in Craigsmuir’s sitting room.
Adam began to speak the lines of a favourite poem, and Walter and Hoss listened, in silence.
“That was very good,” said Walter, once Adam had finished. “Now, as I told you out at the ranch, I really only have a position for a woman, but now that I know what you are capable of, I am happy to give you a trial.”
Hoss wasn’t sure where this was leading to, but he remembered Joe’s words and so began to make encouraging noises.
“That’s great news, ain’t it, Adam? You’re gonna be an actor.”
Adam didn’t say anything, before Craigsmuir began speaking, again.
“Well, to be absolutely accurate, your brother is going to be an actress, Hoss. We will have to add him to the list of players under a false name; Adele Cartwright sounds rather good, or would you prefer to change your surname, too? Oh, and do you provide your own wigs and gowns, or will you need to see our people in San Francisco? It’s no problem, as we will be there in just over a week, and you will have time to get outfitted, before we begin the next tour. As I have had no luck in finding an actress, you, a female impersonator, are the next best thing, and maybe, after this tour, you will get the chance to appear as the real you, that is if I can hire an actress to replace you.”
When it hit Adam just what Craigsmuir expected of him, Adam couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. He made up a rather garbled excuse, as to why he couldn’t take the job, grabbed Hoss by the wrist, and fled.
“If anyone else gets to hear about this, Hoss, so help me, as big as you are, I will pound on you until you are no more than a spot on the ground,” Adam said, as they sat in the Bucket of Blood, having a beer. “How could that man possibly think that I would be happy to go on the stage, dressed as a woman, and an ugly old woman, at that?”
“I dunno, Adam, mighty strange, ain’t it? But that’s them artistic types fer ya, bit touched iffen ya ask me.”
“I think you must be right, Hoss,” said Adam, and he downed his beer, and two whiskeys, before facing the ride home.
Later on, when Hoss got the chance to talk to Joe, alone, he got the whole
story.
“I took along some of those photos from that play Adam and Miss Jones were in, only I told Craigsmuir that Adam was playing the part Miss Jones was playing and so he got the idea that Adam was good at impersonating females.”
“If Adam ever finds out, he’s gonna kill ya, little brother, and that’s iffen ya catch him on a good day.”
“Well, he ain’t gonna find out, and I reckon I’ve saved him from a fate worse than death. Being an actor just ain’t a job for a Cartwright.”
“I agree, shortshanks.”
THE END
Little Joe forever
Lynne
June 10th 2005