MARY SUE
by
Lillian


Hoss cupped his hands to hismouth and yelled so loudly that the
echo of his voice bounced off the roofs of the ranch house and barn: "
mary Suuueee! mary Suuuuueeeee! Suuuueeeee!"
"Hoss!" his Pa boomed from the upstairs window, "what's all this noise
about?
"Practicing, Pa, just practicing" he answered,smirking at Joe knowingly.
"Well practice yelling at a safer distance, will you?" Ben ducked back
into the upstairs room,and readied himself for big doings in town,
hopefully; very hopefully. He checked himself in the mirror again to be
sure that every silver hair was neatly in place.

Hoss and Joe had big doings planned of their own. "Remember, little
brother, forward pass, touch down, score...we'll get rid of all those
bubble gum chewing bubble head Mary Sues, that's for dang sure!" He
grinned broadly at Joe and pinched his butt. He handed Joe those special
order briefs with the built in bubble butt he'd gotten from Sears and
Roebucks . "Here, put these on, little brother and shake a leg" "Why do
I need these? Hmmm? Isn't my butt already perfect?" Joe asked glaring
between crooked eyebrows "It's bait,Joe! You gotta remember; bait your
hook to get a bite!" Hoss nodded his head vigorously. He smiled toothily
at Joe again when their Pa ambled into the front yard, dressed in a gray
frock coat and silver brocade vest.
"Hey, Pa why are you all duded up? Special occasion?" Hoss asked "I'm
going into town, son, to spend an evening with Princess Ticklefeather,
she's looking more and more like number ten all the time" Hoss and Joe
clapped their Pa on the back."Way to go, Pa;That's my daddy, Mr. Smooth
all the way!" Joe grinned
"That's great, that's just great!" Hoss beamed "Oh, by the way" their Pa
began proudly "I got a letter from your brother today" "Adam?"the
brothers chirpped
"Yes, from Adam! He says that he bought a ruby for one thousand
dollars!"
"That Adam!" Hoss said brightly, "ain't he a shrewd one? Hey, do you
reckon it could be as valuable as my five hundred carat diamond that
Jean Lafitte gave me for free?"
"hmmph...It's getting late, I've got to be off now to engage Princess
Ticklefeather" their Pa blustered, then waved so long to the boys

"Come on, little brother. We got Mary Sues awaiting to be done away
with" "Hoss, can't I even keep just one? They're so cute...one?" Hoss
put his hand on Joe's shoulder, looking him straight in the eye "Joe,
they're a nuisance! Besides, we owe it to the town to give it a clean
sweep. I know you're the right one for the job, boy. Since you've had
all that experience with those bubble headed gals ;I'd rather choke on a
plate of pig's feet and hog jowls than tangle with those gals.but you
can count on me to back you up" "That's what I'm afraid of"

A good cowboy gives his mounts time off to rest.Hoss and Joe both wanted
to save Chubbs and Cooch for Saturday night. They put plan B into action
and chose Farfel, the chocolate colored steed and Akuda Pook, the Oreo
cookie pinto with the mottled face and the half black,half white rump;
Hoss loaded up his saddle bags with Jello and hitched up his steed with
a sled to carry the ten foot tall chalk board that would serve as the
score board in the showdown between Joe and the Mary Sues

Hoss and Little Joe rode off on their way to a date with destiny in
Rubicon

Meanwhile, on a stage coach heading into Rubicon, Adam found himself
squashed between three Mary Sues, and he was dreading the outcome... He
hoped that a little song played on his guitar would keep the dreaded
gals at bay, at least for a bit:

"Mary Sue, I love you. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Mary Sue Oh Mary,
Mary,Mary Sue OOH OOH. Well, I love you , gal and I want you Mary Sue.
Mary Sue I love you. Pretty, pretty, pretty Mary Sue. Well, I love you,
gal and I want you Mary Sue OOH OOH!"

The girls clapped politely

"OH, Adam!" Mary Sue sighed deeply "Adam!" Mary Sue swooned "Sigh!"
sighed Mary Sue
The first Mary Sue draped her arm around Adam's shoulder and ran a
dainty finger across his lips, the second gal twisted a lock of his hair
between her fingers.
Adam gulped and grew wide-eyed
The gals shuddered in unison and could contain themselves no longer.
Mary Sue deftly placed a leg around Adam to pin him down. The three gals
looked at each other briefly and acting as one pounced on Adam, pinning
him under waves of crinoline and panting ferocity. "Help! Help!" Adam
cried, choking under their rapid fire kisses. "I can't breathe! Help!"

Hoss and Joe galloped into Rubicon. They bravely rode down Main Street,
heading for the corral at the other end...

After putting up their horses in the livery,the boys swaggered over to
the corral. Hoss, armed only with Jello and a lariat Joe, with a gleam
in his eyes and the ten foot score board tempted destiny to claim it's
dastardly prize...

Hoss and Joe worked quickly to mix the Jello in a huge vat "Remember,
Joe, forward pass, touchdown, score. You've got plenty of time, boy.
Just take your time" Hoss cinched up Joe's belt to tighten his pants.
"Give me room to breathe, Hoss" he groaned "You don't need room to
breathe, boy, just get in there and get those dang gals!" Then there
they were! Fifty of Rubicon's worst. They spotted Joe at one hundred
yards...
"Joe!" "Joe! they cried jumping up and down and swooning and shaking
their heads screaming "Joe!"
One little blonde haired Mary Sue stood quietly by herself, tears
flowing down her cheeks, her eyes so pitiful She put her hands on her
cheeks and sobbed "Joe, Joe!"
"Quick, little brother! Say the magic words!" Hoss cried as he swung his
lariat over head.
"Plunck your magic twanger, Froggy!" Joe yelled and dove through the air
into the Jello.
From every direction Mary Sues slipped and dove and rolled in the wiggly
gelatin as Joe mightily threw them about
Bodies thrashed and slopped like fish out of water, but Sherrif Joe knew
no mercy!
Then as suddenly as it started, the show down came to an end. Fifty Mary
Sues lay flat on their gooey backs. All was quiet. Hoss tied up the gals
with his rope. Then stood up brushing his hands. "Final score, Joe
fifty, Mary Sue's ought ha ha ha Way to go, little brother" he said
slapping Joe on the butt. Joe's pants imploded like a balloon losing its
knot.

Joe herded the gals to the stage depot:
"Next stop will be Frostbite Falls for you gals" Joe proclaimed "And let
that be a lesson to you!"

The stage arrived in Rubicon; It rolled to a stop in front of the Wells
Fargo Bank. Adam stuck his head out of the window "Help! Help!" he cried
pitifully
Hoss and Joe ran for the stage.
Joe jumped through the open window and threw himself onto the Mary Sues
Hoss drew his ivory handled revolver steathily. He yanked the door open
and out spilled Adam Then he aimed his trusty pistol and shot the gals
right through the heart. "If you don't shoot them in the heart, they
come back" he said flatly.

The boys picked Adam up gently and assisted him to a bench in front of
the Wells Fargo building
"Adam, what are you doing here?" Hoss asked as Joe gave his brother a
canteen
"The ruby." Adam droaned "I've come to pick up the ruby"...

Ruby Duckworth, the president of the Wells Fargo Rubicon Branch Bank
held Adam's ruby in a very safe place. She wore a derringer on her belt
to ward off any thieves...

The brothers Cartwright met Ruby in her office above the bank. "Adam,
your ruby is safe with me" she said "Hey Adam, why does she have it,
anyhow?" Hoss asked incredulously Ruby raised her eyebrow in disbelief
"Well, it's a long sad story..." Adam started, raising his chin,
squinting "best leave that for another time "Well come on then. Hand it
over so we can be on our way. It's been a long day and I feel like
getting into a hot tub" Joe grumbled "Would you like to check over the
papers, Mr Cartwright? Before you take your property?"
"Of course..."
Adam grinned as she produced the papers from her pocket This is not a
fake document, it read, Adam Cartwright, buyer of the ruby Dishonest
John Fleece, seller
In microscopic letters, it read: This ruby is worth one thousand
dollars, at auction, during a bidding war between two suckers. "All
right, madam I'm satisfied. Now can I have my property?" "Of course...if
you can retrieve it from its security, it's all yours" "Security?" Adam
wondered
"Huh?" mumbled Joe
"Dadburn it, Adam" Hoss protested
Ruby gestured as to the jewel's whereabouts "Oh, no" Adam and Joe shot
each other a worried look "I'm too tired to be playing, madam" Adam
sighed "Yeah, me too, all I want is to get home to a nice, hot bath" Joe
agreed "I'm so hot I could fry eggs on my hat" Hoss puffed through
pursed lips Adam and Joe nodded, then shook hands
"Right" they said
"Go for it, big brother" they smiled
"No, hands." Ruby said as Hoss sidled up to her "Look up, Miss Ruby, and
give me some room" Hoss pressed himself close to her body. He stuck out
his chin, easing his cheek near her breasts. Slowly he thrust his chin
in and out and got the jewel between his chin and neck Holding his jaw
clenced tightly against his neck he turned away.
"Got it" Adam cried "Now let's get the hell out of Rubicon!"

A large cloud of dust followed the brothers Cartwright as they sped out
of town.

Epilogue

"Well, sons, I'm so glad your back!" The boys' Pa said cheerily "Me,
too, Pa. I don't think I'll be wanting to go into town for a few days.
I've got plenty of work to do around here" said Joe wistfully "Pa, I
sure did miss you" Hoss beamed
"Well, Adam? Was your trip successful, son?" "Adam? Adam?"
Hoss turned to Joe
"He can't say the P word. It's hysterical laringitis." "Pa, looks like
ol' Adam needs a dose of Hop Sing's tonic to loosen his vocal chords,
black strap molasses with lime juice, cider vinegar and a shot of
pulque" Hoss suggested
"Pa?" Adam croaked
"Yes, son?"
"How'd I get mixed up with those two?"
The Cartwrights laughed

Peggy Sue by Buddy Holly

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