Understanding, and how it transformed an angry little boy.
June 2010
By Sadiespinner
Not so very long ago I was an angry little boy.
**********
“Please son, try to understand, it is so very important. I just can’t take you with me.”
“No, I don’t understand.”
“Do not raise your voice!”
“Understand? What must I understand? I already understand, you need to go to New Orleans for Jean, but he was my friend too, and you will be alone.”
“Yes, and if I take you, Hoss will be alone, right?”
“We-ll”
“No, Hoss is far to young to take such a sea voyage, in fact so are you and if you roll your eyes one more time. . .”
The need for further explanation was best left UN spoken, I well understood.
**********
Lost and lonely at his absence I filled the void with caring for Hoss, not that he needed much he was so easy to be with, except his adoration and questions were at times a bane to my heart.
Deep inside I searched for the ability to understand, but age and wisdom had not yet defined the man I would grow into, for now I was an angry little boy. Left alone yet not alone, separated from the one who was my anchor I struggled to bear the weight.
Sun up sun down, time alternately crawled and flew, there were a few letters usually way behind the fact, but they buoyed me up, helped me to understand. I dreamt of being part of this trip and all that I read became mine.
At last, he is returning and I understand he will be here in a few more weeks, perhaps days.
How Hoss crowed when I read his letter. Matching dates and time presented a challenge, in the end I was forced to give up my futile attempt to nail down a firm date. Giving in left only one thing, waiting. Waiting another thing that is hard to understand.
I hope he will understand how carefully and diligently I have watched over Hoss and the ranch too, hard as it was not being there every day. So much went on with out me but I did try to understand. The men seemed to understand and were willing to give me reports and updates when I was able to come and check.
**********
Somehow I just knew when we awoke this morning he was coming, I just knew.
I am a rather persistent young man I will not deny it, so strong was the feeling that poor Mrs. Ward the wonderful woman had no choice but bring us to the ranch first thing.
Having made lemonade and cookies, still rather unsure she left for her own home. As Charlie the foreman was with us we were safe, why she worried I did not understand, I was well use to being alone with Hoss, and after all we were in our own home, Pa’s mine and Hoss’
Proud as a peacock I awaited the arrival, the ranch was in tip top shape, Hoss was clean, well as clean as I could keep an active anxious four year old.
There, on the breeze I caught the faint jingle of carriage harness and clop of hooves, I felt butterflies my heart leapt! I was so impatient the world stood still millions of years passed, then around the barn they came. ‘They?’
I shook my head to empty the cobwebs from my brain in an attempt to understand what I was seeing. I could not understand, ‘no they-Pa, not they-him.’
Hoss’ joy exploded, no need to understand Pa was finally home, he squealed jumping like a little jack in the box as it popped out on the last turn of the crank.
Pa was on the ground spinning Hoss like a top, laughing, eyes glowing, no shimmering, full of tears. Breathless and dizzy setting Hoss down he gave him yet another hug. Hoss clung to his leg, gazing up grinning with rapture and glee.
My own eyes stung, I know I was thrilled yet something was amiss something I sensed I would not fully understand.
“Adam! Come here boy;” He delightedly called as he spotted me. “Let me look at you, oh my Lord how you have grown, almost like a weed! No, more like a strong young sapling!” His deep voice boomed out with laughter. Reluctantly I shuffled forward.
“How I have missed you son, you look well.” Pausing, one hand firmly on my shoulder, he glanced around returning to look into my eyes. I suddenly felt my entire body go all funny on me I must have looked perplexed, for an instant an odd shadow seemed to cross his brow. “The place looks wonderful! You have been doing an excellent job so I understand, Hoss too certainly flourished under your care.”
How did he know what I had so valiantly tried to do? His beaming smile and obvious great pleasure was all I really needed. I grinned up at him; dare I grab him and hug him? Or would he understand I was no longer a little boy? No he did not, for the next thing I knew I was up in his arms receiving one of his special hugs, the ones only Pa can give. Although I understand his reason it came hard for me.
“Pa, put me down!” My face scarlet, I struggled as he set me back, the look on his face told me he did and did not understand. Not one to let this kind of thing pass Pa held me by my shoulders for a moment longer squeezing then patting my back which said we will talk more later.
Unable to escape I did his bidding responding to his introduction.
I coldly yet politely acknowledged her, despite her gentle greeting and strange soft accent. Not willing to admit I felt the tiniest bit badly about the hurt look in her eyes I scuffed the dirt.
Hoss blissfully gobbled her up dragging her towards the house clinging to her hand, alternating with dancing around her like an eager puppy looking for a treat, well I guess to him this was a treat.
“No Pa I don’t, no I won’t understand.”
“Adam, you are treading on very thin ice.”
Fists balled up, I hunched my shoulders against the force of his voice. I would not understand I refused to understand, and that was that, no matter what.
He swallowed hard I heard him.
“Please son, try to understand, I-”
“I understand you didn’t think of us, me an Hoss, just you!”
“No, that is not the truth and you know it.” His voice was soft but oh so firm. “I was and am always thinking of you and Hoss.”
“How?”
“By understanding how much you and he have missed with out a mother.”
“I don’t. ”
He pinched the bridge of his nose the way he always did when vexed, angry or frustrated. Pa’s jaw tightened and his lips stretched into that hard thin line.
The words barked out made me jump and pale.
“Fine, I suppose I can’t expect an angry little boy to understand, but it will not change the fact, I am married, and you will treat my wife, with respect if for no other reason, than she is just that, MY WIFE!” “Understand!”
Sullenly yet with trepidation I complied, “Yes sir, I understand.”
Oh I understood all right, ruined, our Pa’s homecoming and my life from now on were ruined.
Unable to break the stalemate instead I stepped up to the carriage and began to help Pa with all the luggage and packages; snorting to myself it was clear she wasn’t going anywhere. Why could she not understand we were just fine? I knew other men that didn’t have a wife Pa didn’t need her I was there to help like I always did
Pa put a big travel bag down at the door and laughing went to join Hoss who was sitting right next to her on the bench in front of the fireplace eagerly and excitedly sharing the lemonade and cookies telling her all about his life. It frosted me how she hung on his every word eyes dancing, nodding ‘Oooing or Oh my,’ she had his full attention His enthusiasms bubbling over like one of the hot springs we had past on our way here. Pausing for only a minute he twisted around on the bench as I entered with two large valises “C’mon Adam, help us ce-l-br-ate!”
(Celebrate what? There was no way I was going to celebrate this.) Instead drawing in a deep breath I hurried past, “I guess you want these up in your (I leaned hard on the word your, hoping my message was clear, unfortunately it was very clear)
“Yes, put them in OUR room, then if you don’t want to.” He let a meaningful moment pass. “You may stay in YOUR room for the next few hours whilst WE enjoy my homecoming,”
There was an almost physical sting in those words anger and sadness twisted together. I nodded silently and continued on.
“B-But A-adam, ain’t cha’ glad Pa’s home, I know ya missed him much as me, soos why ain’t ya happy no more?”
His pleading voice stopped me dead in my tracks on the landing.
“I-I am Hoss, I-I ju-just got some thinking to do is all, you can have my share of the cookies for me okay?” Not looking back I finished my trip.
“Huh? Pa why’s
Adam gots to think, nothing to think about no more, your home?” Spontaneously
he turned back to Marie (that was her name.)
”Don’t fret about Adam he dose lots a’ thinking, huh Pa?”
“Boy! I sure am happy as a body can be you was the s’prise I waited fer.”
Unseen, I stopped right past the top of the stairs where you could hide from view. Needing to hear her answer, carefully I leaned as far as I could, just able to catch sight of the two of them, but still hidden from Pa.
She gathered my little brother to herself and let tears trickle down her delicate cheeks from emerald eyes that seemed to both understand and question.
“Oh, Hoss what a wonderful little boy you are, I loved you as soon as your Papa told me about you and I love you now more than I can tell.” Those words had the worst effect on me as I saw her sprinkle tender kisses on his face and hair. Hoss returned the hugs with all his might maybe he would squeeze so hard she would leave? I hissed in my breath between my tightly gritted teeth, blowing it back out my nose I stuck out my tongue, wrinkling my face into as hideous a grimace a boy might conjure up.
Just instants before I wiped out all Pa had warned me about and let my mouth get away from me I snatched up the bags I had silently set down. No need for further study, the bond was already firmly in place, it would be foolish for another to try to break it. I beat a hasty retreat hardly able to get to Pa’s room fast enough. Unfortunately I missed the last few words she said.
After an hour of sulking, my curiosity got the better of me it always did. Many, many times over the years I was reminded by the man downstairs, whom I both loved, and right now felt deserted by. Laughter rang up the stairs, deep booming laughter, which could only be Pa, shrill giggles that belonged to my little brother Hoss, and a light musical one with that strange soft accent, that one made my blood boil. However, as I said my curiosity demanded I see what was happening thus I was forced to swallow my pride and headed for the stairs.
I had reached the landing before any of them seemed to notice me, or rather chose to ignore my presence. It hurt, it surprised me just how much it hurt, on the verge of stomping back to my room, a sudden silence filled the room.
“Adam, please come join us, I’
“Hey Adam guess what Pa an’ Ma-” Hoss interrupted, garnering him a stern look from Pa, (Humph, not here two hours and already she had caused trouble for Hoss)
“Sorry, umm, Adam come see what Pa an, an, um, W-wha-t-t” he stuttered, “Pa an our new Mama,” it came out as a whisper full of awe, and hope, “Brung us.”
He blushed deeply right up into his wispy yellow hair.
I felt myself bristle how dare she!
“Adam, come down please.” It was more a command than an invitation.
Hoping to give nothing away I counted to ten before I did as I was told, stopping by the last step, my stance made it clear I was going no further.
Hoss hopped off the bench grabbing my hand yanking me to where they sat before I could hang on the newel post for support.
Pa was saying so many things to me with his eyes I did not want to hear. One in particular I had no trouble understanding, that one made quick work of my mulish face, at least for now. Angry as I was I am not stupid. I had no intention of being on the receiving end of one of Pa’s Necessary talks on her account, not today at least, that isn’t to say I might chance it in the near or distant future. Pa was home and for that I could force myself to be civil, I hoped.
Mustering a small smile for Hoss I sank down on the floor to sit cross-legged making sure there was as much distance between she and I as possible. Hoss instantly provided me with a glass handled very, very carefully as both adults held their breaths. The cookie however slipped hitting the floor it broke into crumbs alas, it was the last one and Mrs. Ward did make an excellent brown sugar cookie.
Poor Hoss was so dismayed he began to cry, big tears welled up spilling out of his eyes, before I could reassure him she stepped in, patting his hand then brushed his hair back from his face.
“Don’t cry little one, I am sure Adam is not cross, we shall make a new batch tomorrow for him.” “Oui?”
Wiping his eyes he gave her a watery smile, “kay’” Then turned to me with one of his giant hugs, “S-sorry big brother.”
“S-okay Hoss.”
I did not miss the way she smiled at us. I wanted so badly to sneer.
Pa tapped Hoss on the shoulder, gently pulling him back to the bench. I made to swallow my lemonade so I could have someplace to put my eyes.
When I finally lowered the glass, Pa was watching me. “Aren’t you at least a bit curious as to what I might have brought back for you? After all you are the most curious child I have ever met. Your quest for information and knowledge, wanting to know how, why and what if from the moment you formed your first words.” Although his voice held a hint of gentle teasing as he spoke with a little chuckle and wink. I instantly perceived this to indicate I was just a little boy like Hoss. I nearly dropped the glass from my trembling hands. I looked right at him.
“I didn’t expect
you to bring me anything other than yourself, just yourself, I know
things cost money and we have a ranch to build up, so that is all I want.”
Such biting sarcasm is not usual in one my age, most boys don’t have the verbal skills or mind set to use it with any depth or accuracy.
The height his brow rose to was amazing.
“Young man, if you intend to be this unpleasant for the rest of the day I assure you I can find something twice as unpleasant to go with your attitude. . . Understand me?”
With out warning my chin trembled, I had a boulder the size of Sun Mountain stuck in my throat, I fought to swallow and my vision went all wavy I blinked hard lowering my eyes.
“Ben?”
He tore his furious eyes from my beet red face switching to her, cheeks pink, as if she was the one embarrassed.
“Marie my love, I know you mean well, but at this point I intend to see he comes to the understanding that if he will not behave in a manor that I expect from a son of mine, I shall be forced to make my self painfully clear in a way he can not pretend to misunderstand, please Marie.”
I secretly watched from under my lashes to see what she would do. Nodding she rose slowly then as if not sure she lifted her hand and for a moment I thought she was going to extend it towards me, but instead turned to lead Hoss away. “Oui, come little one let us go see what wonders there are in your kitchen for us to explore.”
Pa was standing over me, he is a big man to begin with but it had been a awhile since I was knee high to him, the tremble in my chin now extended to my entire being. I fleetingly wondered which was wiser, stand in front of him, leaving myself rather vulnerable or stay low. (Coward I whispered in my head.)
“You will stand up when I am speaking to you.”
Slowly getting to my feet still trembling I chanced a look at his face, stern set in stone, this was not going to go away soon or with out a piece of my hide tacked on. Squaring my shoulders I met his eye, well close to his eyes.
“Well? The choice is yours and yours alone, start behaving in a manor befitting your upbringing and age. . . or?”
“Ahem,” I coughed to dislodge the lump in my throat, swallowing hard. “ I am sorry Pa for my rude actions.” There I said all I was willing to.
“You still don’t understand do you?”
At that my head popped up from where it had settled on my chest.
“Sir?”
“Your apology is to be given to those you hurt” His arm extended towards the kitchen.
With leaden legs I made my way past him, half expecting to feel that steel of his hand, wincing when it never came. Finishing my speech got me a small nod and a hand wave that could not be mistaken it was an airy dismissal.
**********
And so started a long and tedious number of years.
It pretty much went up and down after that, Pa’s frustration with my refusal to understand and accept her and my determination to have things my way. All through that first year I bounced from angry little boy to sullen youngster, which I paid a painful price more often than not. In spite of myself, when I let my guard down occasionally proved to be wonderfully bright and charming not to mention eager and full of life often mischievous with that same painful result, to my great dismay. Through it all Marie steadfastly clung to her faith in love, determined she would be able to turn me around.
Oh we did go around, in fact we went many rounds, none of which I can say I am proud of, for of the ones I won I found my self gloating, not all the time, but on the ones I lost much to my chagrin Marie never appeared to be victorious.
I just was not ready for her compassion or understanding, if she said right I insisted left. Hoss bless his soul tried like the dickens to get me to see her as he did, but all I saw was the memory I held so tight.
**********
I cannot tell you the exact moment my arrogant defense crumbled, nor when my defiance flattened and dissipated into the air only that at some point it did and I began to change.
If there is one thing I have learned in my young life it is this, life is always unpredictable, never underestimate what it holds. We let our guard down one glorious early spring day, the kind that makes you glad you are alive. Sparkling dew everywhere, accompanied new babies from mountaintop to right in our own barnyard.
I was at home working on the books for Pa, forced into confinement still reeling from a bout of what came close to pneumonia. Strict orders from Dr. Martin (Another wonder to us all that he came to settle here in the wilds of this new land.) were I had to rest, enjoy the pampering and get my strength back. Grumbling I acquiesced, never one to give in, or admit to weakness or illness.
In truth these days at home had great benefits, not counting my baby brother, he had arrived about 4 years ago. Talk about life changes, Little Joe made his arrival and following days months and years monumental in more ways than one. Marie along with being mistress of the house now had to contend with this constantly in motion little bundle of pure energy who ran her ragged from sun up to sun down.
I succumbed to his charm the minute I held him looking down on that tiny face. Under his spell I found a special warmth growing ever brighter whenever he forced his way up into my lap or into my bed late at night or early morning at which point any chance for sleep or peace flew out the window. Besides cold feet his ability for endless questions; easily rivaled my own at that age, I have been reminded by Pa. I felt it my manly duty to protest, at least the cold feet.
During those days when the noon meal was eaten, dishes cleaned, Marie matched wits with Little Joe, and inevitably amidst staunch protest finally running out of steam he took a nap. I increasingly enjoyed the many deep conversations we had with each other on so many levels. The most enjoyable being the love of literature and music, a special bond formed born of the need for understanding and to be understood, it all boiled down to ‘Love’.
Hoss arrived home from school that day glad to be away from rules, numbers, spelling and reading. Poor little brother just could not grasp the wonders I felt when surrounded by these facts. Until I was well enough to go back to school, Pa or one of the hands would take him in, meet him after school and when he was close enough to be safe, let him continue on his own which naturally made him feel proud and responsible.
Upon his entering the house with a bang of the front door and a swirl of dust the last vestige of peace quiet and harmony for a long and stressful time echoed through the room.
“Oh mon’ fils can you please try to remember not so hard with the door?”
Hop Sing who now really ruled the house since his arrival just before the birth of my baby brother, bolted from his kitchen wooden spoon raised to do battle. Gulping Hoss always turned red and nodding wildly scurried to the safety of Marie’s warm embrace.
“Alright sweet one we forgive you. You will try harder yes?”
Tears shinning lip quivering he agreed silently. My heart ached for him, I loved my little brother with all I am and even if it were Pa scolding him it hurt me.
I had to step in, “Hey little brother how was Happy today, did he mind your instructions?”
His brow crinkled, “Oh, Uh- yeah Adam he done real good, hardly had to tell him nothing sept’ at the bend in the road, HE wanted to head to the creek but I know we can’t with out you ere’ Pa so I had to be a bit stern. But he unnerstood it was fer his own good.”
It was all Ma, (I was now able to call her that) and I could do to not burst into gales of laughter he was so transparent and I loved him all the more for it.
Good job, I am sure he did understand in the end.”
“Yes, and now go have your treat.”
Grinning like the Cheshire cat he hurried toward the kitchen where muffled words were exchanged and we both smiled and winked.
Chores done dinner set on the stove, Little Joe the baby of the family circled from Hoss to Ma to me demanding all and any of us to do his bidding. Not getting what he wanted was unfailingly followed by stomping feet and pouts, when they failed to get his way a full blown tantrum erupted, those were followed by ultimatums delivered by Pa or surprisingly Ma, she was endlessly patient with him, rarely did he spark that fiery temper in her as I had on occasion, much to my regret, but he was not always so lucky.
“Joseph!”
That got his attention. “You will play quietly with your own toys and leave your brothers in peace for now, understood?”
Nothing in this world measured up to those emerald eyes when fire sparked in them, what it did to my Pa made me blush from neck to hairline more times than one.
“Okay, Mama but I’m jest little and got no one to play with.”
Folding my finger in the page of my newest book I was passionately devowing, I cleared my throat. “Tell ya what little buddy, you come sit here on the floor by me and . . . You can count right? “
“Course I can,” came the disgruntled reply, the pout still lingering around his mouth, brow still crinkled under those unruly dancing curls. “I’m most foor ya member?”
“Absolutely, how could any of us fail to remember that famous or infamous day?” I winked at Ma as he squinted at me, instinctively knowing there was more to my words, as I said next to me he was about the brightest little kid I ever met.
“Well . . . If you agree to sit here and count four pages as I read to myself, when I reach four you tell me and I will put the book down and play solders with you, is that a deal?” I offered him my hand making it seem a very grown up decision, as being grown up was top priority in my baby brothers list of life accomplishments. Dropping his wooden horse he flew to my side, we shook with much solemnity and I schooled my face in the most serious expression. “Done.”
Ma suddenly struck with a bout of sniffles hurried off to help Hop Sing. Looking up with a big grin Hoss piped up.
“Yeah Lil’ Joe, when I finish this here leather I’m fixin I can join ya too.” “That okay Adam?” Hoss never wanted to offend any one or step into another’s space.
“That’s what brothers are for.” And it was done.
Dinner was ready to serve, but Pa was nowhere in sight. He should have been here long ago. I suddenly became very uneasy, but forced myself to remain calm. I was the rock, it was my duty to maintain order, not let unfounded fear escalate to panic, I had lived my entire life with this kind of delay. Nine times out of ten there was a simple answer and all the fears and anxiety were for naught, then again I know from personal experience, other times, life crushing disasters lay just around the next chime of the clock.
Dinnertime came and went, Ma paced back and forth folding and unfolding her arms around her middle. Hoss watched swallowing at every quick spin as she reversed her direction. The plates remained on the table more food on them than consumed. Ma had ordered us all to sit and eat, that Pa would be home soon and very displeased if we let all Hop Sings hard work go bad, not to mention food did not come with out great cost either in work or dollar amounts. Waste of good food was not an option in this house.
That nagging fear sloshed in my belly, like I had heard Pa describe often in my younger days as what it was like on a ship out in the wide ocean. When for the umpteenth time she stopped in front of the tall clock it was all too obvious she was growing more and more frightened, I made my move.
“Ma, I’ll go look for him, and don’t worry I’ll take Charlie and Luke, we won’t be long and I would not be surprised that when we get back Pa will be here to burn my ears for doubting his ability to find his way home.” I let out a little chuckle but I know my eyes belied my voice.
“I want to come too.”
I looked over to see the stance and expression on Hoss’ face, as sweet and gentle as he was there was a point at which Hoss was a force no one could move if he chose not to.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, exactly like my Pa, seems I have inherited many of his actions, expressions and stubborn streak too, so Joe and Hoss tell me.
“Hoss, I know how badly you really want to come, but come with me for a minute.”
Wrapping my arm around his mighty shoulders, he was still five years my junior but not in size or weight. “Look, I need you to do this for me.” We had slipped out through the kitchen with Hop Sings silent nod of agreement as to my actions.
“Hop Sing is a big help with things but you have a special way with Little Joe, and I know you are very good at soothing Ma when she frets, so isn’t it better if one of us stays and helps keep the others calm, besides, which would you rather be? Home when Pa gets back or be out looking for him needlessly and have to be on the receiving end of one of his famous (I smirked) lectures about running around the country side on a wild goose chase in the dark?”
After a long moment heaving a great sigh shrugging he shoved his hands into his front pockets giving me the briefest glance, “Are ya sure Pa’s not in trouble Adam, I mean, I’m getting a real bad feeling big brother.”
Hoss was with the exception of Pa, about the only one who could see right through my mask and into my soul.
“P-retty sure, Hoss, but please do this for me and if not for Pa, Ma and Little Joe. I can count on you can’t I little brother.”
When I put it this way I new in my heart he would never say no.”
“All right Adam but if’n yer wrong I’m likely to clobber ya just for not listening to yer little brother – Me!” his small smile and big blue eyes said the rest.
“I promise.”
It was a long night nothing seemed to go right. The crisp evening turned into a damp biting chill, including a drenching spring rain popping up unexpectedly which left us searchers feeling soggy cold wet miserable and shivering with out finding Pa. When we returned empty handed many hours after it was too dark to see I found Ma pale and shaking. With the coming of dawn Hoss dejectedly admitted no matter how hard he tried, too no avail Joe cried almost all night. I had a terrible time making Ma understand she could not go out with us as we changed horses and cloths to set out once more, not knowing where to look as we had covered all the places we figured he might be only to come up empty, in more ways than one.
Mercifully the dawn was clear and although the sun had not yet warmed the earth it wasn’t raining. We took Tom, Alex and Pete when we set out again.
We had crisscrossed every gully; every ravine every small gorge, and up and down every steep incline we could think of or get to, not to mention lakes streams and dense forests.
By late afternoon discouraged, weary to the point of squabbling amongst us as to the next move, no sign of Pa had been found. Shoulders slumped chin on my chest I fought the burning tears, no it could not must not end this way, I just did not understand how or why he had vanished off the face of the earth, it just wasn’t possible. An inexplicable sudden chill rose up my spine the hair on my neck and arms stood up, something pulled at me, sitting straight up I yanked Sport around and set off hell bent for a small rocky out cropping amid scattered boulders sage brush mixed with manzanita. The men shouted to me to slow down that I had gone mad; they set off after me sure I had lost all my senses in grief over the loss of my Pa. I hadn’t though; I just had this overwhelming feeling I finally knew where to look.
Sport veered to the left almost unseating me coming to a dead stop that nearly sent me over his head. Snorting he began to dance, shaking I slid from the saddle and grabbed him by the bridle.
“What in God got into you?”
Weak kneed to begin with the air punched out of me when hearing a frightened whinny I caught a glimpse of Buck his saddle sideways tangled in a wild mass of brush and brambles to the left of the jagged formation. Signs scattered around spoke of some sort of scuffle, there would be time later to figure it all out
“Paaaaa” but no sound reverberated; Charlie caught me as my eyes rolled back in my head.
Murmurs I tried to decipher called me to come back, my eyes swam but then cleared, I struggled up to be held in place while my spinning head slowed down.
“We got ya boy, got ya Pa too, don’t know how ya figured it out but ya done good lad, just rest.”
I stared up into Charlie’s concerned yet relieved face in a voiceless attempt to speak.
He gently pushed me back, patting my face with his damp neckerchief, “Give yer self a few minutes more, here take a little sip of this water, easy now, just a sip.”
I had no choice as my body not my mind was in charge at this moment.
Shaking off the numbness I fought to my feet staggering over to where I was smacked in the face with unimaginable horror. Pa was wedged between two huge slabs of rock, that in its self made my stomach heave, but the fact there was a sharp spike of brush that ran in one side and out the other of his cheeks right behind the corners of his mouth was more than I could stand.
Tears rushed up, I fought the arms that wanted to pull me back, held me from him. I struggled harder than I ever remember yet was rooted to the spot. As if that wasn’t bad enough I became aware that Pa was awake and staring at me, unable to speak other than gurgling sounds producing additional spurts of red blood trickling down his chin. Dark pain filled eyes locked onto mine pleading with me, begging me to help and not make things worse, how in God’s name could they be worse? Then it was clear, the funny angle he was at compounded the loss of blood.
“Let me go!” I growled “I’m all right let me go to my Father, get out of my way!” Somewhere inside me a great strength surged back, I ripped myself from Luke stumbling the few feet to his side. Hovering over him, I needed to touch to reassure him and myself but so scared I’d cause more harm. Pa blinked twice it let me know he understood. Painfully he pushed his one free arm out and grabbed my hand squeezing gently; here he was in dire straights yet he was still offering me comfort. I will never understand. Bile splashed against the back of my front teeth, threatening to exit my nose, my insides roiled and twisted tormenting me first with waves of nausea after that intense pain as if a hot knife poked and sliced me up. I broke out in a cold sweat. Except for the fact I had no room to be sick other than all over Pa gritting my teeth till I felt like my jaw would crack I held on for dear life, his life, my life, Hoss’ life, Ma and especially Little Joe.
It was already past dusk when we dragged ourselves into the front yard. Time was against us, along with a location that made a wagon impossible and terrain to rocky for a travois, besides Buck was badly scrapped and limping. I held Pa in front of me. I felt I might pass out due to the heavy pressure against my chest. My arms ached, my back screamed, Pa had sunken into me almost toppling me off the back of Sport with his weight. Having lost consciousness some ways back it was making it much harder to keep him from falling off.
Alex had been dispatched to town before we headed home. At the sound of returning horses the front door exploded open. Ma flew out like a mini whirlwind stopping halfway to me her face white as a sheet. Hoss right behind her did an about face and hoisting squalling fighting Joe into his arms hugged to his thumping chest struggled up to his room
It was Hop Sing; it was always Hop Sing to prevail at these moments.
Brushing past Ma he commanded “You bring Boss inside chop, chop, I get room ready. Charlie and Luke gently pried my trembling arms from Pa to ease him off. I slipped down almost simultaneously leaning my quivering body against Sports side. Tom and Pete assisted as they gently hauled Pa; well he was not one that could be carried easily, into and up the stairs of the house. In the quickly fading daylight Ma’s eyes met mine, her bloodless lips folded in on themselves, that spark then stubborn streak I had come to admire and fear roared into gear. Vice like fingers dug into my elbow as spinning on her heels she headed for the door with a wobbly me in tow.
Some time later Doctor Martin did finally arrive. I was privy to his first hushed discussions but in truth still reeling with the shock at finding Pa that way never really heard a word he said. How I got down stairs I don’t remember, just sitting next to the cozy fire for a brief few moments letting its warmth penetrate my body. Too much to take in for now, I found myself climbing the stairs needing the safety of my room to pull myself together.
Infection, danger, ability to speak, jaw damage, unable to eat, all these words ran rampant in my head as I sat on the edge of my bed, exhausted beyond measure, not sure what to do next. The bloodstains on my cloths so vivid earlier were now dull brown and stiff.
Something jarred my mind; a tiny hand patted my cheek asking to be welcomed up into my arms. Complying instinctively I gathered him close to me. Moments slipped by before I responded to those soft whimpers. Pulling in a long cleansing breath I exhaled slowly, the fog lifted. I looked down into a tear streaked little face, curls all messy, eyes and nose red, thumb tucked into his mouth, those beautiful hazel green eyes cloudy and frightened.
My own watery smile seemed poor at best as a measure of comfort so I just hugged him tighter and stroked his soft hair as I whispered nonsense in his ear. A small but welcome blessing could be found in that Joe was to little to understand all the facts. Never the less he was old enough to understand the imminent danger who’s tight fist of fear now gripped his family and threatened to take away his beloved Papa. Worn out from crying he finally fell into deep sleep, I put him to bed with Hoss, who wrapped his arm over the little guy and blinked away new tears, letting me know he was doing his part.
Doctor Martin met me coming out of Hoss’ room. Where upon I insisted on being part of what had to be done. To know precisely what his chances and condition were, I was, I told him at sixteen well old enough to understand all and any consequences that might follow this event. While squaring my shoulders letting him know I was a Cartwright thus when it came to my father, brothers or new mother I was responsible for them I was not going to be put off.
The small understanding smile that went with the pat and pressure on my shoulder bestowed by the doctor relaxed my posture to once again be a boy who feared for the life of his father.
“I know I can count on you Adam not only to take care of your Ma and your brothers at a time like this, just promise me you will also look out for your self it wasn’t that long ago you were a mighty sick young man.”
“I’m fine.” The standard Cartwright son’s response to questions about one’s health when a crisis arrives and they don’t want to be reminded that are not invincible.
“Uh, huh, that may be so, but, I am the doctor here, and you will follow my orders or when your father recovers enough (I suspected this might be a bit of false hope intended to settle me) I shall give him an earful on the behavior of his eldest son, leaning heavily on any refusal to obey his elder, no less the doctor in charge . . . Do you understand?”
Rolling my eyes, I chuckled for the first time in what felt like ages, “Yes sir I do understand perfectly.”
“Good boy, now come with me I will explain what is needed, I have already told your Ma and Hop Sing, they are waiting for us but I need you to be prepared it will not be pleasant and very hard on you, but as you say you can handle it.”
From that moment on it spiraled down, it took forever for the Doctor to extract the spike, and clean out the debris. No one needs to be told what puncture wounds almost always lead to, if not gangrene then surely lock jaw. Pa could not speak or really open his mouth from stitches inside and out on both sides of his face, his one eye was black and swollen shut, his face blue with bruises, his left shoulder being dislocated was banged close to his chest his left ankle suffered a bad sprain. Each wound or injury alone was sufficient to have a person succumb. Combined with the fact he had lain for so long in the damp and wet they formed a battlefield of monstrous proportions. This was going to take every ounce of Cartwright stubbornness. Every breath every heart beat, in addition every prayer we knew or new ones we made up. Just incase God got tired of the repetition, every drop of courage we had digging deep into our last bit of reserve.
While watching Pa night and day when not asking God to spare him I can only guess another of my coping skills kicked in. Despite my best intentions I unwillingly found I wanted to ask how and why in the world my Pa, who was so careful had let such a bizarre thing catch him off guard? In some strange way as I mulled over how and why my musings helped me past the pain of disaster looming on the horizon. I refrained from any question along those lines, concentrating instead on helping him recover. I divided my time occupying both Hoss and the ever-demanding Little Joe. Both had been given a very brief chance to see him but not Joe at first due to his frightening injuries Joe was already having nightmares. Hoss held up bravely but I often found him in the barn sobbing his little heart out so afraid Pa would never be the same. It took all I had to convince him due to the fact I myself had deep doubts and fears of my own.
Fever, delirium, opening and draining the wounds then closing them. All through these dark and devastating days, Marie remained a solid pillar; at first glance she was such a tiny fragile looking thing. Sleepless nights too few meals and ever oppressing fear of loosing her soul mate, my father, took its toll on her stunning beauty.
I had realized they loved each other deeply, as Pa had assured me he had loved my own mother and I remembered how he loved Mama Inger Hoss’ mother. But there was something I could not put my finger on when it came to this love they shared. How I often unintentionally witnessed the things they said with out the use of words. How she held onto his hand in the deepest throws of a seizure brought on by the fever ravaging him. How she tenderly cooled the sweat from his face, arms, strong broad chest that now heaved and shuddered with each agonized breath, “Fight Mon Che`re, Mon Amor’ fight, for me and our sons.”
“Our sons it went through me like a bolt of lightening.
Night after night she knelt alongside their bed, rosary beads twined in her fingers head bowed in anguished prayer to have the love of her life spared for his sons, and herself last, always their sons first, how could I have not understood such a love all those years ago. Near exhaustion from her bedside vigil did not deter her from extricating herself from his hand to minister to and console my little brothers in the wee hours of the morning upon hearing them whimper, even before I could reach them.
Two excruciatingly painful weeks had passed, Pa did fight, we took turns begging pleading and for me when alone with him, demanding he get well, I was not going to loose another loved one, and he had a promise to keep, and come hell or high water I was determined to see he fulfilled it.
On the third week he was beginning to show signs of improvement able to open his mouth just enough for a thick gruel not just broth, which sent Hop Sing into high gear. For dear Hop Sing had been burning incense and praying in his own way to his gods to spare this man who had saved his life and given him a family to care for as his own.
On the sixth week the stitches came out.
It was with great trepidation Pa experimented with his jaw and mouth exploring the inside with his tongue. I remember watching with childlike amusement as his face changed with every small obstacle he over came. At first his words were sluggish his tongue a bit swollen plus too long idle refused to jump back into action at his command which infuriated him to no end. Ma and I had snuck off on occasion to secretly laugh at how angry he would get but neither dared incur his wrath by out right laughing in his presence.
That we left to that little mischief maker Little Joe who must have wandered into the room that day to find Pa sitting up in bed exercising his tongue and stretching his face in all kinds of crazy shapes to get the feeling and muscles back while holding a mirror to his face. So completely absorbed he must not have been aware he had company. The rest of the family reached the top of the stairs intent on visiting Pa. We hesitated not sure if it would be right to interrupt the one sided conversation spilling out of the open door.
“Whos are ya mad at Papa? What-cha making them faces at? You always get cross wiff me when I make them faces, you say it ain’t po- li-te to make faces at people, but ther ain’t no one here but you!”
I knew exactly what was to follow. Closing my eyes briefly I envisioned him peeking around the mirror as he furrowed his brow.
After standing there for a few moments Little Joes’ natural curiosity took over leading to his decision to mimic Pa to see what was so interesting in making faces. For the most part he was always in trouble for making those kinds of faces.
Slowly lowering the hand mirror to his lap Pa’s eyes would have turned to look directly into the innocent little face waiting for an explanation. When he did not offer any, Joe never waiting for anything must have climbed up taking the mirror.
That telltale giggle made us smile. Then “Heee hee, this is fun Papa, I guess ya waz jest having fun cause ya miss me huh Papa?” There was a long pause, which meant he was thinking.
“Ya looks better now Papa on a count ya ain’t all blue an green an such.” When there was no sound it was obvious he went back to mimicking into the mirror.
What could a father say to that kind of logic? Nothing, I did not need to see what he did it was pure Pa, he had wrapped his arm around the boy and hugged for all he was worth with out causing a flinch from his not totally healed shoulder.
Joe got the message he would with out hesitation struggle around and kneeling up put his arms around his beloved Papa where upon he would place as carefully as a four year old could multitudes of sweet little sloppy kisses.
“It’ okay Papa, I don’t care what ya looks n’ talks funny no more I still love ya.”
All three of us just dying to find out how this would end crept quietly along until we were just outside the open door catching sight of Joe slipping hastily off the bed his hands behind him well aware of what could follow when Papa got that look. We sprang forward as one almost falling over one another to get into the room, Ma made it first, the look on both Joe and Pa’s face was to say the least priceless.
Joe’s mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ it faded into a soft uh-oh, Hoss swiftly as possible scooted in stealing Joe away to a safer distance, the barn. I backed up to the wall right inside the door quite enjoying the scene, crossing my fingers behind my back struggling not to giggle, part in relief and part my sassy self. Knowing when to leave well enough alone I stepped back out going far enough to be safe I released my pent up feelings both hands over my mouth silently laughing till I felt tears running down my cheeks and my side start to cramp.
Some long tense minutes later, only the soft whispers of Ma’s cajoling and soothing her husbands ruffled feathers disturbed the scene, poor man has been testy to say the least over this, not to mention more than ready to be back in charge.
Spring was turning the corner, the days lengthening growing much warmer the air sweeter, the sun felt good on your face. The smell of new pine growth danced on the breeze, in a few days Doctor Martin said Pa could venture down stairs, it was a moment we all were waiting for.
The day came and he walked slowly with a slight limp down the stairs leaning heavily on both Hoss and I.
At the bottom of the steps we stopped to catch our breath Pa had lost a good deal of weight which Hop Sing had pronounced would re appear before any one knew it. Even with the weight loss Pa was still a big man. In spite of the fact a chicken feather swiped across him would have been all it took to send him sprawling Pa was holding up well
Gallantly remaining still, waiting for him to let us know he was ready to continue Hoss and I silently groaned. Joe struggled against Ma’s grip on him determined as always to do whatever Hoss and I could. Pa Hoss and I all took a deep breath then resumed this arduous trek that would with any luck successfully find Pa reaching and easing down into the rocking chair on the shady part of the veranda.
When Joe did manage to twist himself free he only ended up getting in the way, nearly tripping the three of us in his attempt to help. He burst into tears and took off for the barn. Poor little kid, if I was not supporting my father and struggling to keep us upright I would have been right after him.
No one could convince him to come out for a long time, even after we had Pa comfortably seated in the rocking chair, his bad ankle on the stool, I could see the little face peek out then dart back into the barn.
It was Pa in the end; with great effort while his voice almost back to normal still had a raspy growl along with a cottony slur we all were snickering about when not within earshot; his ears fortunately or unfortunately had not suffered one bit.
He coaxed Joe out. “Joseph, come on out son, its okay, I know you only wanted to help and right about now I do need help with something only you can do, please won’t you come help your Papa?” The Froggy somewhat hard to understand request floated across the yard.
Hoss Ma and myself had retreated to the house to give them a chance to get past this. It did not however stop us from joining Hop Sing at the kitchen window.
Carefully head down chin on his chest hands behind him, my little brother emerged, tearstained face and all. Little feet making dusty ruts across the yard he inched towards Pa.
The words were not for our ears but at last that high pitched giggle that only he could produce told us Joe was back to being Joe. Slipping away from the window we let out our collective breaths, hugged each other then scooting out of the kitchen just in time to avoid that dreaded wooden spoon.
In the times before the accident while I was recuperating Ma and I talked about so many things sitting by the fire. One of the things we discussed most often was Education, she was adamant about it. Back East almost all young men of standing were afforded the opportunity to further their education. I confessed on one of those days to how much I wished for the same, that Pa and I had talked on it but it was not easy for him. Totally dismissing my granite headed declaration no matter how badly I wanted it I would not cause him trouble over myself, Ma’s eyes widened and such a fire ignited I blinked.
“And so you shall have it my son, Oui, you and I will make your father see this is not some whim, this is your dream this is meant to be, this is where you need to go, you are most deserving, it is now time to let your Mama help you. Time you give yourself what you crave so, go quench that wonderful desire for learning.” She had patted my face with her cotton soft hand. “I will speak to your father, you study hard, so you can apply to where ever you wish to go.”
**********
Pa’s recovery although starting slowly quickly picked up, he was now close to being fully recovered. Life resumed its hectic pace of ranch duties. Over these days and weeks that irrational burning desire to know exactly what had transpired that day caused me to bite my tongue so often I worried for a time if I might begin to sound like him. My respect for him along with a deep regard for self-preservation however kept me in line. I have no doubt someday the whole truth will come out.
The weather no longer a gentle warm, edging ever up towards summer in full swing enticed me to take a few moments for myself to relax before heading down to the pasture where they were doing heard tally. This spot overlooking that sapphire blue lake called Tahoe never fails to amaze and calm me. Sitting quietly amid all this splendor my mind wandered between past and present. They were going to celebrate their 5th Anniversary in a few more days, a milestone neither Hoss’mother nor mine had the privilege of. How on earth I could make her understand, to give back to her, to make up for those (Angry little boy) days.
Music was one of our loves one of our bonds; suddenly I knew it had to be music, a tribute, yes a tribute to love, their love.
I admit I have had a few brushes with love, however as my budding manhood was not fully developed, there was not enough fertile ground for it to take such deep root as needed.
There had been buds, they sprung up but never grew to full bloom, not that I had not cultivated the soil, or so I thought. After all I was well aware of my increasingly noticeable effect on the fair sex, not only the young ladies either.
I had overheard the comments on my dashing smile those dimples I had inherited from my mother, or those deep Hazel eyes rimmed with midnight lashes, that could go from brooding and mysterious to out right devilish sparkling with mischief, my perfect cupids bow mouth. Chiseled cheeks raven black hair with the right amount of wave and tiny curls in all the right places, leading up to my new height along with rock solid muscles filling out to define my emerging physical changes made a rather dashing figure.
All these things while true, had not prepared me for experiencing the deep abiding love that spreads its branches to envelope another totally and completely so that there were no longer two but one soul, a love bigger and stronger than the mightiest Ponderosa pine ever found on this ranch. That was the kind of love I was beginning to understand exited between my father and I hated the word (step) mother.
That night I asked to be excused early, assuring them I was not ill just a bit tired, we all still were so it was not hard to believe.
Once in my room I sat at my desk, there had been words and melodies flowing and flooding my head all afternoon, now it was time to corral them into sense setting them to music for my tribute.
I looked off in to the soft evening settling over our home, the beauty of nature, how if you let it, it could fill up your senses make you complete. There it was, a beginning. I scribbled as fast as my hand could go trying to keep pace with what floated gently through my minds eye. (At one point I wasn’t sure I could say this correctly and I felt myself blush)
I sure hope they like it without landing me in hot water, after all, I suppose I should not be thinking these thought, pertaining to my parents. That blush raced up again heating my fact to match my desk lamp. Reading back what I had put down I had only one thing left, to sneak off by myself to feel how it flowed when put to music.
The day was spectacular, as if all nature gave her blessings to us. We picnicked by the lake in Ma’s favorite spot even little Joe was on his best behavior.
Right before the day faded when the stillness descends and every thing becomes a soft blur, as fireflies begin to emerge in the meadow to our left I chose this moment to explain I had one more gift, it was met with much to do about there being no need for anything more the day was sublime and they could see nothing more need be said or done.
“No, just sit and listen, ahem, Pa, Ma, I have given this great thought and put long searching hours into how I wanted to let you know what I have come to understand. It is with all my heart I hope some day not only myself but also both my brothers find the love you two share.
*You fill up my senses,
Like night in the forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain,
Like a storm in the desert,
Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses,
Come fill me again.
Come let me love you,
Let me give my life to you,
Let me drown in your laughter,
Let me die in your arms.
Let me lay down beside you,
Let me always be with you,
Come let me love you
Come love me again.
You fill up my senses,
Like night in the forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain,
Like a storm in the desert,
Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses,
Come fill me again.
When the chords and my voice faded into the muting colors of the sky, I dropped my head afraid to see how this was received. The only sounds to be heard were crickets, night birds, katydids and the lapping of the lake on the shore.
Little Joe had fallen asleep in Ma’s arms as she absently rocked to the soft melody. I could not see her face I only felt her eyes and deep appreciation, for at last there was complete understanding, no need for words. Hoss pushed himself up on his elbow to say, “Hey Adam that was bout the pertiest song I ever heard, did write it all by yourself, you sure are smart alright.”
Pa reached over and patted him on the back. “Hoss you are absolutely right. - Son,” Suddenly he had to clear his throat so very glad it was just dark enough to hide his features. “Adam that was beautiful, Thank you,” Was all he could say.
Later he came to my room to explain even though there was no need. Those sentiments also applied to his feeling for my mother, and how sorry he was. But I cut him off, now was not the time.
“Pa, we were celebrating love, not one or two but love as it should be, please don’t read anything into it, I just wanted to tell you how I understand what love should be now.
I was as I said far from a few long years ago that (Angry little boy).
**********
Now here I stand hat in hand, as Pa and my brothers wait for me to say good by, my bags in the back of the carriage.
Had I known what was to transpire, would I have changed that one line, I wavered, I argued with myself, in the end no, painful as it is when I think about it, it fit, for that is just how they would have wanted it, soberly not for years to come, and not that way.
“Coming Pa, I know, but I had a few last things to say.”
Setting my hat snugly on my head heading to my family I climb aboard the carriage off towards all kinds of new things to understand and newfound understandings.
*Annie’s Song
By John Denver.
I have always loved John Denver and his simple beautiful melodies, this one in particular and it matched how I think they did love each other, with Adam’s emerging adulthood I felt he could compose these words, once again I wish there were a way for any one to hear him sing.
No infringement intended on the Music.
I hope my description of Ben and his injury is not offensive to any one. I almost never delve into this kind of pain or hurt.
Cheryl/Sadie