A Journey Together
By
Sharon Young

This story incorporates scenes from episodes “The Philip Diedesheimer Story” and “The Newcomers,” both by Thomas Thompson and from “Journey Remembered” by Anthony Lawrence. No copyright infringement intended.

On a bright, freshly rain-washed, Sunday morning, the Cartwrights rode up to their church.  Adam noticed Andrew Holloway’s buggy tied up at the hitching post.  It had been more than a month since the cave-in at the Ophir mine killed Gil Fenton, the mine superintendent and Helene Holloway’s fiancé.  Adam wondered if Helene had finally recovered enough to return to church with her father.  When the Cartwrights went inside, Adam looked around and smiled as he saw Helene sitting next to her father in the pew.  He knew how deeply in love with Gil she had been and how hard it must be for her to face everyone’s sympathy.  She had lost the man she loved very soon after their engagement, and Adam could see the faces turned to her filled with pity and support.  Helene was clearly fighting back the tears.  He well understood how hard it was for her, but he was glad she had made the decision to start living her life again. 

After church, Adam found Helene and embraced her warmly.  She returned his hug with gratitude and affection.

“I can’t tell you how much it means to see you sitting here in church again,” Adam said.  “Every week I hoped to see you sitting here.  Now here you are.”  He smiled.

Helene smiled in return.  “I’m not sure I could ever have done this if it had not been for your brother, Hoss.  Of all the sympathy I received after Gil’s death, his made the biggest difference.”

Adam wasn’t aware that Hoss had spoken to Helene.  His brother had never mentioned it to him in the weeks since the cave-in.

Helene saw the puzzled look on Adam’s face.  She went at once to her father and told him that she was going to take an after church walk with Adam.  He could go on home without her.  Adam would bring her home later, after their walk.  With her father reassured and sent on his way, she walked over to the where the Cartwright clan gathered.  She greeted Ben, Hoss and Joe with a firm handshake and a kiss on the cheek and thanked them for all the kindnesses they had shown her since Gil’s death.  “It’s a beautiful spring day, and Adam and I are going to take a walk and talk for a while.  We will be by later,” she told them. 

All the Cartwrights though this was an excellent idea and wished them a good day, then headed toward the hitching rack.  When Mr. Holloway and Adam’s family had driven or ridden away, Helene turned to Adam and took his offered arm.  They strolled in silence to a glen near the churchyard and sat down underneath a big oak tree.  Helene sat quietly for a while and then turned to Adam.  He had waited patiently for the moment when she was ready to speak.

“I saw the look that came over your face when I mentioned how Hoss had helped me cope with what had happened to Gil.”

“I have always known Hoss to be one of the most compassionate men there is around, so what you say should not surprise me, but he never mentioned to me that he had spoken to you.  I know he felt terrible about what happened to Gil, and even worse about what it meant for you to lose him.

Helene’s eyes began to fill with tears as she started to recall the conversation with Hoss on the night of Gil’s death.  “I was outside, on the porch, crying and feeling like I was dying myself when I heard Hoss say, ‘Miss Helene, Miss Helene.’  I told him I knew he was sorry.  He said that was not exactly what he was going to say.  ‘Folks mean well when they say they are sorry, but it’s like when my Mama was still alive, and I remember when I used to mash my finger, and she’d kiss it and tell me the pain was all gone.  It wasn’t really.  It’s just that when I try to remember the pain all I remember is my Mama kissing it away.’”

“So I smile bravely and lift my head, and there never was a Gil Fenton in my life,” I told him.

“No, you can sometimes forget the pain; you can never forget the love.  Never!  There will always be a Gil Fenton in your life.  I remember I was in love once with a girl, as much in love as a man can be, I reckon.  I guess that sounds a little funny coming from me, don’t it?” 

“Oh, no, it doesn’t ,Hoss.”

“She died, and I know that Pa, Adam and Little Joe are sorry, but that just wasn’t enough; not right then it wasn’t.”

“What did you do?”

“I talked to God, and he told me I just would have to keep on living.” 

“Oh, Adam, you can’t imagine how it felt for me to know someone else did know and did understand what I was feeling at that moment.  I could see the same pain in your brother’s face and hear it in his voice, and I didn’t feel alone.  I can never thank Hoss enough for what he said to me that night and how it made a difference in my being able to go on with my life.”

Adam had sat quietly listening to Helene recall this conversation with Hoss, and he was stunned by all the revelations it had produced.  Helene needed to have a better understanding of why Hoss had spoken as he did.  “About a year ago,” he explained, “some people from California came across our land.  Their intent was to strip mine and blast in areas surrounding the Ponderosa.  Two of the people in that wagon train were John Pennington and his sister Emily.  They were on their way to a dry, desert climate that was supposed to help Emily’s condition, which we later found out was consumption.  Emily had blond hair and blue eyes and looked so much like Mama; I almost did a double take.  She and Hoss seemed to have a connection to one another almost immediately.  When you told me the story of his Mama kissing his finger, it made me realize Hoss may not even know why he was so instantly smitten with Emily.  You see when I say ‘Mama’ I am referring to Hoss’s mother, Inger.  And when Hoss says ‘Mama’ he is referring to Joe’s mother, Marie.”

Helene then told Adam about a conversation she had with Philip Diedesheimer one day when he came to see her father.  Philip was sitting in the living room waiting for her father and asked her how she was doing.  “I told him about Hoss and what he had said to me, and Philip wasn’t surprised at all.”

“Hoss told me that when his Pa and his brothers put their heads together to get something done, it gets done,” Philip explained.  He went on to recall the rest of their conversation.  “You are very proud of your family, aren’t you, Hoss?” he had asked.

“Yes, sir. I sure am.”

“It’s a fine thing to have a strong family.”

“Yes, sir.  Pa’s always kept us mighty close together.  You see, we’re just half brothers.”

“Oh?” Philip said.

“Yes, sir, my Pa has had a terrible lot of tragedy in his life.”

“Tragedy yes, but this has made of him a finer man, and it helped to draw all of you closer together as a family.”

“Yes, sir, I reckon it has,” Hoss agreed.

Adam looked at his pocket watch and saw they had been there almost 2 hours.  Everyone would be wondering where they were.  He rose and offered his hand to Helene.  Standing, they brushed the bits of grass from their clothes and started to walk to the livery stable where he would rent a buggy to take her home before her father came looking for them.

As Adam and Helene approached her house, Adam thanked Helene for telling him about her conversations with both Hoss and Philip Diedesheimer.  The buggy horse stopped willingly when they reached her house and began to nibble on the front hedge.  Adam helped Helene down and walked her to the door.  He told her again how happy he was that she had not only come to church, but had shared a lovely afternoon with him as well.  She gently kissed Adam’s cheek and thanked him for having been Gil’s friend and hers, too.  As Adam drove the buggy away from the Holloway place, he tried to comprehend all that he had heard from Helene.  He knew one thing, and that was he had to finally talk to Hoss about Emily Pennington.

Tomorrow they would work together in the north pasture repairing fence.  They would be alone, and it would give him a chance to talk to Hoss in private.  He was lost in his thoughts for the rest of the trip back to the Ponderosa.  How was the best way to approach Hoss and get him to open up about something so personal and so painful as losing the woman you loved just as you were planning a life together?  It wouldn’t be easy, but he felt it was important that Hoss understand why Emily had become so special to him so suddenly and unexpectedly, and why her loss had been so profound.

The next morning, Ben, Hoss and Joe were already at the table when Adam came down to breakfast.  Hop Sing was serving all their favorite foods – rich, hearty, hot items that would sustain them through a long day’s physical work.  For a minute he watched as Hoss and Joe fought for the same pieces of bacon, ham or sausage.  Pa, as usual, told them, “Boys, there is enough for both of you.”

Hoss looked over to the staircase and saw Adam standing there.  “Hey, older brother, you better get over here and get you some grub, because I can’t guarantee there will be any left much longer.”

Adam laughed.  “Well, Hoss, if you go and eat my breakfast, I will just have to eat your share of the lunch Hop Sing will have for us to take to the north pasture.  I believe he was going to make turkey sandwiches and some roast beef sandwiches along with beans and topped off with sweet potato pie.  I can almost taste it now.”

Joe broke into his familiar cackle.  “I’d love to see that: Adam sitting there eating two lunches while you got just water to drink.”

“You shut up, little brother.  No one is going to eat my lunch!”  Hoss started to make a plate for Adam and told him to sit down and eat. 

Adam grinned at Pa, and Ben just shook his head.  Adam intended to enjoy every moment of this time.  He knew the conversation and mood would change dramatically in a few hours.

With breakfast finished, Adam and Hoss began to gather their gear for the trip to the north pasture.  Hop Sing was just handing their lunches to Adam when Hoss intercepted them and insisted he would take good care of the food.  Joe and Ben both laughed.  Hoss declared that he trusted his brother, but lots of things could happen, and if they did, his first thought would be to protect the food.

Adam shook his head and told Ben that maybe he should take Joe with him instead.  Joe said, “Sorry brother, I spent a week in the south pasture fixing fence, and I’ve paid my dues. I’ll stay right here and take care of barn chores, thanks anyway.”

Joe followed them out and went with Hoss to cinch up his horse, Chubb.  Ben put his arm around Adam’s shoulder and said, “You be careful up there and watch out for Hoss.  I know it is silly of me to say that to two grown men, but there’s a part of me that will always see the two of you as my little boys, who came in a wagon with me onto this land all those years ago.” 

Normally, Adam might have been irritated with his father for saying something like that to him, but today, he had some idea of what his father meant.  “That’s alright, Pa.  I’ll take care of him.  I always have.”

As Adam mounted Sport, he looked over at Hoss, who was rubbing his hands over the bags Hop Sing had put the food in.  Adam just shook his head.  He turned around to his father and said; “See you in a couple of days.” They left, and Adam wondered what the next hours and days would bring in terms of their relationship, both as brothers and best friends.

Adam and Hoss reached the north pasture in the late morning.  They decided to set up camp and do some fence mending before starting to eat the ample food Hop Sing had prepared.  Hoss went to the stream and refilled their canteens with water.  For the next couple of hours, they tore down the rotten fence posts and replaced them with  the posts the hands had brought and stacked several weeks before.

Their shirts were soaked with sweat and their hands were raw when Hoss looked at Adam and waited for him to agree it was time to stop for lunch.  Adam looked back at Hoss and asked what was wrong?

“Come on, Adam, you can’t tell me you haven’t been smelling all that good grub Hop Sing made for us.  My stomach is so empty that I can barely lift the hammer to drive in any more nails.  If I don’t eat right now, I may fall over and die of starvation right here and now.”

Adam stared at Hoss.  “Starvation?  OK, I guess if it is that bad, we’d better stop so you can get your strength back.  After all, I did promise Pa that, for whatever reason, I would watch out for you.”

Hoss laughed and said, “That’s right, older brother, you can watch out for me while we eat this deeelicous food Hop Sing made.”

The two brothers settled in the shade of a tree and enjoyed the meal they were feasting upon.  Adam looked at Hoss and thought, there is never going to be a better time than this.’

“Hoss,” said Adam, “yesterday when I was with Helene Holloway, she told me about the conversation the two of you had on her porch the night Gil died.” 

Suddenly, Hoss’ mood changed, and he grew very quiet and still.

“I hope you know she was not telling me just for the sake of telling me; she wanted me to know that what you had said to her had made the difference in deciding to start living again and rejoining the community.”

Hoss’ face was drawn and closed as he looked at Adam.  “Miss Helene sent me a note thanking me for what I had said to her that night, so why are you bringing this up to me now?”

Adam knew he had to use care when he approached the subject of Emily Pennington.  “Hoss, it has been a year since Emily Pennington’s death, and I know she is the one you were referring to in your conversation with Helene,”

Hoss’ brow wrinkled.  “I don’t know if I want to talk about her, Adam.”

“I know how close to the vest you can keep things, Hoss, but maybe it’s time to talk about Emily and why she was so special to you.  Adam deep voice was gentle.   “After all you have to admit that your first meeting with her didn’t go too well.”

Hoss chuckled as he thought about that moment in the camp when Emily said, “You keep away from him, you ugly brute!”

He came back to her with the plain truth.  “Ma’am, I can’t hardly

help being ugly, now can I?”  Both men laughed at the memory of it

now.

Adam asked Hoss, “Isn’t the canyon you always go to somewhere near here?”

“Yes,” said Hoss.  “It’s a couple of miles over that ridge.”  He pointed to the west. 

Adam told Hoss that the wagon master, John Burke, had told him what Emily had said about coming back in the spring to meet you at the canyon.  He had been totally surprised to hear she had died shortly after that goodbye. 

“Hoss, would you tell me about Emily?”  Adam’s voice was soft and his body quiet.  “Whatever you want to share.  I’d like to get to know her and understand what made you love her so deeply.” 

Adam could see how still Hoss had become.  He knew it was a sign his brother was closing the doors to his inner self, and he did not know what else to say that wouldn’t just make Hoss more angry and sullen.  Silence enfolded them, and they just sat and ate.

A few long minutes later Hoss said, “It all started with horses.”

Adam was amazed that Hoss might really be ready to talk about Emily, at last.  He followed up quickly.  “Horses?”

“Yes, I was taking care of the horses on the wagon train after a hard days ride.  Miss Emily came over after she heard me talkin’ to them.  I told her they liked me talkin’ to them because it made them feel good.” 

“You really love horses, don’t you?” she asked him.

“Yes, ma’am, I like all animals; you can trust them.”

“But you can’t trust people?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that.  It’s just that some folks got a natural mean streak in them.  Animals just don’t know nothing about that.”

Hoss looked over at Adam, and he could see he wanted to know the whole story of what happened between Emily and himself on that fateful journey.  Maybe it was time to tell someone what he had kept hidden in his heart all this time.  If he were going to tell anyone, it would be Adam. 

After what seemed like the longest few minutes Adam could remember, Hoss began to relive those few, short days with Emily after they escaped from Blake McCall and his men.  Hoss told Adam that he carried Emily away from where they had been held by one of McCall’s men.  Her brother, John Pennington, had insisted that he save Emily; he felt he could take care of himself. 

Hoss carried her up to a wooded area where there were streams and forests that would hide them from McCall.  Several hours later the exhausted pair finally stopped running, and he laid her down between two sun warmed rocks, where she promptly fell asleep. 

When she awoke, she heard Hoss say, “It’s alright; I’m right by you.  I can get you something to eat.  The woods are full of good things if you know what you are looking for.”

“I just want to rest for a long time,” she told him. 

“We can’t stay here too long; they’ll be after us.”

“I don’t care.”

“Come on, Miss Emily, he begged. 

Emily started to cough uncontrollably.  “Get away from me; can’t you see; leave me alone.”

“I just hate to see you hurtin’, Miss Emily, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to shout at you.”
“I can’t hardly stand to see something hurtin’ somebody as pretty as you are.  You stay here while I look around.  There’s no sign of them, but that don’t mean they aren’t right behind us.  We best be on our way.”

“You can’t keep running forever.  You carried me half the night.  Why don’t you rest for a few minutes, please?  I’ll keep watch.  Hoss, do you really think I’m pretty?”

“I think you are as pretty as I am ugly.”

“You’re not ugly, Hoss.  Forgive me for saying it, please?”

“It’s all right; I’ve heard it before.  We best move on.”

Adam winched noticeably as he heard this part of Hoss’ story.  It always made him angry to hear anyone tease or make fun of Hoss because of his looks or his size.  Ben, Adam, Joe and Hop Sing never thought of, or treated Hoss differently because of his looks or size.  They only knew the gentle, loving, kind person that Hoss was to everyone with whom he came in contact, ---– be they human or animal. 

Adam had once told his Pa, when Hoss was a toddler, that he thought Hoss was one of God’s best creations, and Ben laughed and said, “Or at least his loudest and most boisterous one, anyway.”

Adam ached to go over and put his arms around Hoss and tell him how special he was to him, and all those that knew him.  But Hoss began to talk again and the story continued.

“Hoss, I’d like to explain to you about Blake McCall,” Emily told him. 

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Miss Emily.”

“You see, I only saw the good side of him.”

“I reckon that’s the way it is sometimes.  You look at a cactus and see a rose, cause a rose is what you want to see.  I don’t reckon there is anything wrong.  If I see something good and pretty, sometimes I even do that myself.  I get sort of lonely like.  I look for good and pretty things.”

“What sort of pretty things do you look for?”

“If it’s the springtime, there’s this canyon I go to. It’s plum full of dogwood – a thousand blossoms on every tree.  It has a smell of a damp breeze in the air, little ferns on the ground.”

“It sounds lovely.”

“I was hoping you would say that”

“Why?”

“Because it’s sort of a special place for me, and I’d like to take you there.  I’d like to show you the little gold back ferns.  You press them on your hand, and it comes right off on your hand like stardust right out of the sky.  I never took nobody else there, but I’d like to take you.”

“I don’t think there is anything else I’d rather see.”

“Miss Emily, I want you to stay right here on the Ponderosa.”

“Hoss, don’t you realize I’m very sick?”

“I know that.  I want to take care of you all of my life.”

“I couldn’t bear having you feel sorry for me.”

“I ain’t feeling sorry for you, Miss Emily.  Look what I’m trying to say is, I like you.”

Hoss stopped talking and grew quiet again.  Adam stared straight ahead; his eyes glistened with tears.  He knew that if he looked directly at Hoss he’d start to cry for all the pain his brother had been keeping inside for so many months. 

Adam suggested gently that they take a break, finish their lunch and get back to work on fixing fences.  He got Hoss to promise that after supper he would finish the story. 

They sweated over the fencing until almost dark.  Adam started a fire and put the coffee on to boil.  They warmed some of Hop Sing’s fried chicken by the fire and heated up the beans.  There was a sweet potato pie as well.  After they were full, they leaned back against a log and sipped the last of the coffee.  Hoss picked up his story again.

He explained that after he had come down the hill and stopped McCall and his men, he had taken Emily back to the Ponderosa.  After the doctor had seen her, she had decided to return to San Francisco immediately.  She asked him to arrange her passage back to California.

It hadn’t taken Hoss long to find a way.  “There is a wagon train crossing the Sierra for California, and the wagon master will meet us at the Truckee Meadows and will take good care of you,” he told her.

“That sounds fine, Hoss.”

“I wish you did not have to go back so soon.”

“I wish that too.”

“Maybe I ought to go along with you?”

“No, you’re needed on the Ponderosa, Hoss.  Tell me about the canyon and the dogwood in bloom.”

“I ain’t so good about talking about it.”

“The gold back fern that you press against your hand, and the gold comes off just like it was stardust right out of the sky.”

“Emily, come back this spring, and it’ll be there just like I told you about it.  If you come back, I’ll take you there.”

You go there, Hoss.  And when the spring comes and the dogwoods in bloom, you go to the canyon, and I promise you I’ll be there.  I love you, Hoss.”

“I was so happy, Adam!  I’m sure you remember me busting into the house that afternoon” 

“I don’t think any of us will ever forget it, especially the doctor.”

“She loved me!  Miss Emily loved me.  She was going to come back in the spring, and we were going to get married.  Then the doctor destroyed everything with one sentence … ‘Do you think it was a pleasure to tell a dying girl she has one month to live?’  There wasn't gonna be any spring, any canyon, any marriage!  That’s when I left and went back to the canyon, because I couldn’t bear to have anyone around me.”

“Pa explained it to Joe after you left,” Adam said.  “He told him, ‘Son, I’ve had to bury 3 women I loved:  your Ma, Adam’s and his.  For a while, it’s just a hurt you have to bear alone.’”

 “He was right, Adam.  It is something you have to put back on God, and that’s what I did.  I told God I didn’t understand, and He had to help me.  I cried, and I prayed, and I said I needed to know why Emily was being taken away from me when I had finally found someone who loved me for who I was and in spite of what I looked like.”

“Did you find your answer in the canyon?” Adam asked. 

“Yes, I did, and in a way I never expected.  I fell asleep, and I must have been dreaming.  There was this bright light, and all of a sudden, I saw this woman standing over me.  She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was stroking my hair.  I thought it was Emily, and then the lady said, ‘Hello, Eric.  Don’t be frightened.’  For some reason I wasn’t frightened by her.  I felt only warmth and love coming from her.  I asked her who she was and she said, ‘I’m your mother, Inger, and I am so happy to see you, son.’

“I asked her why she was there, and she told me, ‘Because you are in pain, son, and I can take away some of that pain if you will let me.’

“How can you take any of my pain away, I asked her.”

“By letting you know that when we die we don’t go away. You can’t see us, but we are there.  We still love you and care what happens to you.  I still love your father and Adam and you, even though you never got to know me.  My wonderful Adam turned into a fine man, just like his father, and he has watched out for you, as I knew he would. 

“I would have given anything to have remained with your father and Adam, and you, but it was not my choice to make.  It’s not Emily’s choice either.  One day when it is your time, all of us who love you -- Emily, Marie and I – will be there to take you home.  But, in the meantime, son, like your father,  you have to find a way to go on living, for even though Emily’s time is up, yours is not.”

“Adam, I told her I didn’t want her to go, and she smiled and said, ‘I love you, Eric, and one day I will see you again,  my sweet boy.’  Then I woke up, and the sun was in my face, and I knew it was time to go home and be with you and Pa and Joe.  I know that I have never seen a picture of my real Ma, but I think I know what she looks like now.  I will always love Joe’s mama as my own, but I feel real good that I do have my own Ma that loved me too.  Does this all sound kind of loco to you, Adam?”

“Oh, no, Hoss.  If you had been lucky enough to know Mama, that is exactly what she would have said to you.  I will be forever grateful that Pa and I stopped at that store in Illinois and Heaven gave us that angel to be my mother.  I only wish you could have known her like I did. “

“I know you do, Adam, and I know you have spent most of our lives trying to make it up to me for not having her like you did.  I could feel how much she loved you, too.  She was right when she said you had turned into a fine man, just like Pa.  Joe and I are very lucky to have you as our big brother.  So, now brother, you know the whole story about Emily and me.  Did that satisfy your curiosity?”

A look of hurt crossed Adam’s face.  “I hope you don’t think it was just idle curiosity, Hoss.  I was concerned for you.  I wanted to understand.  I thank you for sharing this with me.  I know you keep most of this kind of thing close to your heart, and I appreciate that you knew you could trust telling me.”

“You know, Adam, I kind of envy Joe that his Mama lived long enough for him to remember her, and we have pictures of Marie everywhere.  And your grandfather in Boston had those paintings done of your Ma and gave them to you when you were coming home after college, but we don’t have a picture of my mama, and I wish we did.  I would never say that to Pa; I know he feels terrible about it.”

“I know, Hoss.  Her image has always been so vivid in my mind I never needed a picture to remember her by, but I do wish there was one for you to have.  Well, brother, I think we need to call it a night.  We have a lot of fence to finish before heading home.  Good night, Hoss.  See you in the morning.”  Adam crawled into his bed roll.

“Good night, Adam.  And thanks for listening and for being my brother.”

All through the next day, Adam and Hoss worked diligently on the new fencing.  They rarely spoke of the previous day’s events.  They just wanted to finish up and go home.  They got done in the late afternoon and decided to pack up everything and ride for a couple of hours.  They would stop and make camp just as the last light faded from the sky.  This way they could start early and arrive home by mid-morning. 

As they made ready to ride the next morning, Hoss started to sniff the air.  Adam asked what he smelled.

“I swear, Adam, I can smell Hop Sing’s chicken and dumplings, oh, and apple pie.”

“Hoss, we are three hours ride from home.  There is no way you can smell Hop Sing’s cooking from here!” 

“Adam you can make fun of my sense of smell all you want, but I guarantee that when we get home there will be chicken and dumplings and apple pie waiting for us.  You care to make a wager?”

“Fine.  Whoever loses does the others chores for a week.”

“Does that include any inside duties?”

“Yes.”

“You got yourself a deal, brother.  A whole week with no chores …… YEA”

“Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched!"

They continued the journey home and finally saw the ranch house in the distance.  “There’s nothing prettier than seeing the Ponderosa, is there?” Hoss remarked.

Adam answered him with a smile.  “No, there’s nothing better than coming home to her.”

Joe was going into the barn when he saw Adam and Hoss ride into the yard.  He shouted to Pa that his brothers were home. Ben hastened out of the house just as Adam and Hoss got to the hitching rack.  He ran to greet them.  He shook their hands warmly and asked how the job had gone.  Both assured him that everything had gone fine and that the new fencing was in place.  Hoss added that he was famished and called out to Hop Sing.

 Hop Sing ran from the kitchen and greeted them with a big smile.  “Mr. Adam, Mr. Hoss, you home – very hungry, yes?”

“Hop Sing, Adam and I are so hungry that we can’t wait another minute for you to tell us what scrumptious meal you have got simmering for our return.”

Hoss turned to Adam and said, “Listen and weep.”

“Hop Sing kill biggest chicken in yard, then make biggest batch of dumplings ever and make 4 apple pies.  That enough to fill Mr. Hoss?” their faithful friend and cook asked.

“Oh, Hop Sing, that is going to fill Mr. Hoss for at least a week, wouldn’t you say, Adam?”

“Okay, Hop Sing, let me get this straight.  We are having chicken and dumplings and apple pie for lunch?” Adam demanded. 

“Yes, Mr. Adam, Hop Sing has been working all morning catching chicken, killing chicken, plucking chicken, cooking chicken and dumplings and pies for your return.  You not happy?”

Adam glared right at Hoss.  “Oh, no, I am very happy about the food.”

Suddenly Joe broke into a high pitched laugh.  “Adam, haven’t I told you not to make a bet with big brother here about what’s cooking at home.  He can smell Hop Sing’s cooking from twenty miles away.”

“There is no way he could have smelled Hop Sing’s cooking 3 hours from here.  It’s not logical.  I don’t know how he does it, but one day I will find out.”  It was both a threat and a promise. 

“So what’s your punishment for mocking Hoss’ sense of smell?” Joe asked.

“Very funny.  But , if you must know, a week’s chores inside and out.”

“Oh, bad luck.  I’ll bet you never wager that again, huh?”

Hoss spread his arms and stretched luxuriously.  “Yes indeed, little brother, I am going to be a man of leisure for the next week.  Maybe I’ll go into town and find me some card games.”  Hoss and Joe laughed all the way into the house.  Heads together, they were busy planning how Hoss would spend all the free time he expected to have.  

Ben patted Adam on the shoulder and said, “At least I’ll know where you will be for the next week.  I’m not so sure about Hoss.  I learned a long time ago not to question Hoss’ nose when food is involved.  Just an observation, son; just an observation.”   Ben smiled at Adam.

“Thanks, Pa.”

“Joe went in for the mail yesterday and said you had gotten a letter from Utah.  He put it on my desk.  You go in and get cleaned up.  I will take care of your horses.”

“Thanks, again, Pa.”

Utah?  Adam could not imagine who would be writing to him from Utah.  But he would deal with that once he was cleaned up and had tucked into ample servings of those chicken and dumplings and apple pie that had cost him so dearly. 

As he was washing the dirt and dust of the trail off with the first basin of hot water he had enjoyed since leaving home, he thought back to all that had transpired between Hoss and himself over the past couple of days.  He had not really absorbed all that Hoss had said to him.  Maybe doing the chores alone for a week would give him time to process everything he had heard.  He knew he wanted to find some way to give Hoss what he and Joe were lucky enough to have – pictures of their own mothers. 

He closed his eyes and said, “Mama, if you can hear me, please help me to make you even more real to Hoss than you were in his dream.”

Ben called to Adam that lunch was being served. 

“Coming, Pa.”  He knew he’d never hear the end of this from Hoss or Joe.  He looked one last time in the mirror.  Let’s just get this over with, he thought.

As Adam settled into his chair in front of the fireplace, Hoss came over and stood in from of him with a big grin on his face.  “Adam, I think I will be heading into town.  I seem to have a lot of spare time on my hands.  Is there anything you need me to get for you while I’m there?”

Adam looked up at his younger brother.  “And how is this a different question from the one you asked me 20 times at the dinner table?”

“Well, I’ll be.  I did ask you that, didn’t I?  I plum forgot.  It must have been the taste of those chicken and dumplings, or maybe the apple pie, that made me forget.”

Adam  gave him a sarcastic smile.  “I’m sure that was it. And as I mentioned before, I don’t need anything from town, thank you.”
 Please don’t stay here on my account.  I’m sure you have made all kinds of plans for your time off.”

“Why, yes, I have brother, but I want you to know there will always be a little part of me thinking about you working back here on the Ponderosa.

“Thank you, Hoss.  That makes me feel warm all over.”

“Don’t it though?” Hoss laughed as he walked to the door.

Joe turned to his father and asked if he could go to town with Hoss.

“Young man, you didn’t win any bets; you can stay and do your own chores.  Hoss does not need you of all people with him in Virginia City.”

Joe continued to plead his case to his father, but Ben cut him off.  “Joseph, the discussion is over.  You are not going into Virginia City with your brother.”

Hoss could sympathize with Joe.  “Sorry, Joe, maybe next time.  But I’ll have fun for both of us, how’s that?”

“Gee, Hoss, thanks.  I’ll think about that while I am doing the chores.”

Hoss grinned at his younger brother, picked up his hat and gun, and he was off to Virginia City for a few days of rest and relaxation.

Ben decided to do some paperwork and brought his coffee to his desk.  He looked down and saw the letter addressed to Adam.  He called to Adam and told him the letter was still there.  Did he want to open it?

“Gosh, Pa, in all the excitement of coming home, I forgot about the letter you said Joe picked up yesterday.  I had thought about anybody who might be writing me from Utah, but no one came to mind.  Guess the only way to find out is to open it up and read it.”  Adam took the letter back to his chair and carefully slit the envelope with his pocket knife.  For a few minutes he just stared at the name.  He could hardly believe what he was reading … Rachel Simon.  He hadn’t heard that name in over 20 years. 

All of a sudden, memories started to flood back into his mind.  George and Rachel Simon had been on the wagon train coming west from St. Joseph, Missouri, along with Joe and Martha Payne and their son Bobby, who had been his best friend on the long trip.  Hoss had been born on that journey, on the prairie just west of the Missouri River.  He dived into the letter Mrs. Simon had sent him.

April 5, 1860

Dear Adam:

     I don’t know where to begin.  It has been so many years since we last saw each other.  My husband George and I ended up here in Utah Territory when our wagon train missed the Ryan Company at Ash Hollow.  With winter coming on, we all scattered in different directions.  I always wondered what happened to Ben, you and baby Hoss.  I still laugh when I think of what a huge baby he was, and I imagine he has grown into a big man by now.  I remember his beautiful and gracious mother, Inger, whom more than anything, loved her husband and sons.  She was my best friend, and I cannot tell you how many times she talked about what a wonderful boy you were and how proud she was of you.  She said many times how happy she was that you would be her child’s big brother. 

     My husband, George, and I were blessed with 3 more children, along with the two who came on the trip west with us.  George died last winter and I was going through an old trunk we brought with us on the trip.  When I opened it, there was a gift wrapped present, and it was from Inger to you, Adam.  It was going to be for the Christmas that she never lived to see.  She had given it to me to keep so you would not find it and open it before Christmas. 

     I truly had forgotten all about it, until I saw it in the trunk.  I had no idea how to get a hold of you until my oldest son, George Jr., took a trip into Nevada and stopped in Virginia City. There he heard about a family named Cartwright.  Recognizing it as the same name as the family who had been in our wagon train, he stopped at a hotel, the International House, and was told that Ben Cartwright and his 3 sons lived on a ranch called the Ponderosa.  The manager at the hotel assured my son that you could put whatever Cartwright name on the envelope, in care of the Ponderosa Ranch, and it would reach you, so I am in hope that has been the case. 

     I was also hoping the somehow, if you get this letter, you could make arrangements to come and get this present that Inger wanted you to have all those years ago.  Selfishly, I would love to see you, and maybe even your brother, Hoss.  I have always been curious if he looked anything like his mother.  I cannot be sure, but from the feel of the package, it could be a picture frame that might contain a daguerreotype of your mother.  We live in a settlement by the name of St. George in the Utah Territory.  It is located in the southwestern part of the Territory near the Pine Valley Mountains.  I hope this has reached you, Adam, and that I will hear from you in regards to this matter.

     Please extend my warmest greetings to your father, Ben, and your brother, Hoss.  I remember how your father said that if his second son was named after Inger’s father, then his third son would be named after his father, Joseph.  From what my son learned on his trip to Virginia City, Ben did get his third son named Joseph.  I will be anxious to hear about this son and his mother.  God bless you Adam.

Sincerely,

Rachel Simon
St. George, Utah Territory

Adam was speechless after reading Rachel’s letter.  He kept going back over the part; it could be a picture frame that might contain a daguerreotype of your mother.  If this could possibly be true, he would believe that Hoss could smell Hop Sing’s cooking from 3 hours away from the Ponderosa!

After rereading the letter three or four times, Adam got up from his chair and took it to his father, who was still at his desk.  “Pa, read this; you won’t believe it.”

Ben took the letter from Adam’s hand and read it.  When he reached the end, he gasped and fell back in his chair in disbelief.  He looked up at Adam, “I don’t know what to say, son.  I don’t recall Inger ever telling me about a gift she had for you.”

“Pa did you read the part about it possibly being a picture frame which could have a daguerreotype of Mama in it?”

“Yes, Adam, I did read it, but the only place she could have had it done was in St. Joseph, and if she did something like that she never told me.  When we got married in Illinois, we left immediately after the wedding and pushed on till we got to St. Joe to meet the wagon train that would bring us out west.”

“But, Pa, we were there for three months before the wagon train left, and certainly that would have been enough time to have something like that done?”

“Yes, I suppose it would have.  I have no idea why your mother would not have told me what she had done. It has always been a deep wound in my heart not to have a picture of Inger as there are of Elizabeth and Marie.  I wanted it for myself and for you, but especially for Hoss.  Inger loved him so much; it breaks my heart that he does not have a picture of her. 

“Pa that is the reason I will answer Rachel Simon’s letter immediately.  I’m going to St. George, and I’m going to see what present Mama left for me.  I want to take Hoss with me.  I think it’s time now that he go to Ash Hollow and see where we left his mother.  I can’t tell you why, but you have to trust me, Pa.  It is very important that Hoss reconnects with his own mother.”

“Adam, I know you think this is important, and I also know that Hoss is now 22, almost 23, years old, but he has always thought of Marie as his mother, and I don’t want him to feel conflicted – to think somehow that if he loves his own mother, whom he did not know, that it will lessen the feelings he has for Marie.”

“Pa, that is never going to happen.”  Adam related to Ben the story Helene Holloway had told him about her conversation with Hoss on the night of Gil Fenton’s death.  Ben sat quietly with his hand against his mouth and tears glistening in his eyes. 

“You see, Pa, Hoss will always love Marie as his mother.  Even though Elizabeth is my mother, it does not change in any way how I feel about Mama Inger.  As long as I live, she will be the person I consider my mother.  Please let Hoss come on this trip with me.”

“I can see from the look on your face you will never let me say no, will you?  I’ll say it again, Adam, promise me you will take care of him and not let anything happen to him.”

“You have my word, Pa.  Hoss will be all right.  Now, all I have to do is figure how to get him to willing leave Virginia City and all the fun I’m sure he is having right now.”

“I don’t think that is all you’ll have to worry about when your youngest brother finds out he will be doing all the chores while you and Hoss are away.”

Adam laughed heartily.  “Yes, that makes it even better.  I will reply to Rachel’s letter and have one of the hands go into Virginia City to post it.  He can also fetch Hoss home, and we will leave as soon as we can get all our gear and supplies together.  Thanks, Pa, I know this is the right thing to do.”

Adam sat at the dining room table and began to write a response to Rachel Simon.

May 10, 1860

Dear Mrs. Simon:

     I can never tell you how shocked I was when I opened your letter dated April 5th. I was almost overwhelmed by the flood of memories and feelings that came roaring back to me when I saw your name.   It was as if the past 23 years had vanished and I was once again that young boy on the wagon train headed for California.  I thought about my childhood friend and companion, Bobby Payne.  I thought about the time wefound Mr. Wilkes passed out drunk and all the eventsthat sprang from that and led to the Indian attackand to his death.  I remembered Mr. Rockwell takingover the train, and the effort he made to get us to AshHollow to meet the Ryan Company. 
     I could close my eyes and see Mama’s sweet face and feel the softness of her skin and recall the smell of her hair when she would sing me to sleep at night.
     You were concerned about Hoss.  He was a big baby,and he grew into a very large man.  He is 6’3” andweighs about 280 pounds, but he is everything thatUncle Gunnar said the name Hoss meant – a big manwith friendly ways. He is a gentle giant.  He does not have an enemy in the world. He is not only my brother but my best friend.  For  what  I may have given him, he has given me back tenfold.  I cannot imagine my life without Hoss in it. 

I was happy to see that you and Mr. Simon were blessed with a large family and many years together.  Pa, unfortunately, was not blessed in the same way.  He met a woman named Marie du Marigny on a trip to New Orleans in 1841.  He married her there a few months later and brought her back to the Ponderosa.  Hoss fell instantly in love with Marie ,and she returned his affection.  He felt the same way about her as I did about Inger – the only mother I knew. 

     My youngest brother was born the next year in 1842.  He is as different from Hoss as you could imagine, but I have never seen two brothers who are closer in every way as Hoss and Joe.  Sometime I envy their relationship.  But even though Joe is kind of hot-tempered and impulsive, I could not imagine not having him in our lives either.  Marie was killed in a fall from a horse in 1846, when Hoss was 10 years old and Joe was not quite 5.  Pa has never remarried since Marie’s death.  She was a beautiful and vivacious woman, and I will be eternally grateful for the mother’s love she showed Hoss, just as Mama had showed to me.

I was delighted to read that the gift Mama left might be a picture frame with a daguerreotype of her.  None of us have a picture of Inger, and I know how much it would mean to Pa and to Hoss to have that small part of Inger with them to look at and remember her.  I am bringing Hoss with me to St. George.  We should be there about the time this letter arrives.  May I ask that no one mention a gift from Mama to me in front of Hoss, until I discover what the gift is.  After our visit with you, I intend to take Hoss on to Ash Hollow to see Mama’s resting place.  I think he is old enough now to get to know the woman who gave birth to him. 

     I look forward to seeing you again and to meeting all your family.  There are no words to express the gratitude I feel for you reaching out to me and letting me know about the gift Mama left with you all those years ago.  God bless you too, Mrs. Simon.

Sincerely,

Adam Cartwright
Ponderosa Ranch
Virginia City, Nevada

Dave, one of the Ponderosa ranch hands, entered the Bucket of Blood and paused to listen.  He soon heard Hoss Cartwright’s hearty voice.  There was a lively card game going along in the back of the saloon with plenty of beer on the table.  Hoss was losing, as usual, but seemed to be having a grand time doing it. 

Hoss looked up and saw Dave.  “Dave Price, what are you doing here in the middle of the afternoon?”

“Hoss, Mr. Cartwright and Adam said something has come up at the ranch, and they need you to come home.  They asked me to go to the stage office and buy tickets for you and Adam to go to a place called St. George in the Utah Territory.  They want you to pick up enough supplies to take along on the stage, and they said to let you know that you could be gone for several weeks.  When that ‘s done, they want you to come right back to the ranch.” 

Hoss looked very alarmed.  His head was swimming from all that Dave had told him: supplies, Utah Territory, several weeks?  What could have happened in the few hours since he had left the ranch to come to Virginia City?  But, from the look on Dave’s face, he knew it was serious.  He withdrew from the poker game and hurried to Anderson’s store to get the supplies they would need to take with them for an extensive trip away from the Ponderosa. 

The ride back to the Ponderosa seemed to take forever.  Dave had brought in the buckboard, so Hoss pretty much filled it up, and they took off for the Ponderosa.  Finally, they got back to the ranch, and Hoss took the things he had been carrying off Chubb and asked Dave to tend to him, while he went inside to find out what was going on. 

Adam explained to Hoss about the unexpected letter from Rachel Simon and how she had located the family again after all these years.  “Hoss, Rachel Simon tended your birth in our wagon.  She is no longer a young woman, and I want to go to St. George and see her again.  She would like to meet you once more as a grown man.  There are so many stories she can tell you about your Mama, Inger, and about all the thoughts and feelings she experienced on our journey to Ash Hollow.  Please come with me.  I know that you were expecting to spend your week having fun in Virginia City, but I know from our conversation in the north pasture that this is where you need to be.”

Ben and Adam had already told Joe the whole story before Hoss got back from Virginia City, and it was agreed that there would be no mention to Hoss of the gift Inger had left to Adam.  No one wanted to get Hoss’ hopes up if the gift turned out to be something other than the hoped for daguerreotype. 

Joe walked over to Hoss, “Hey, brother, if someone offered to take me on a trip, I wouldn’t be hesitating for a second to go.  I think you should do it.  God knows, with you and Adam both gone, there is a lot more food for me.  Anyway, since we were kids, you have wondered about your real mother, so how can you think of not going with Adam?”

“I know you are right, Joe, but then you’ll have to do all our chores, and we could be gone for weeks.”

“Come on, we have plenty of hands to help me with the chores.  That should be the least of your concerns.  Just go, and one day, you’ll do the same for me if I need it.”

“Yeah, I would, Joe, you know that.  Okay, since it looks like everyone has taken care of all the details, I reckon I have no reason to say no.  Let’s get packed and ready to go to St. George in the Utah Territory – wherever that may be. 

Adam sighed with relief that it had gone so smoothly.  “Thanks, Hoss.  I don’t think you will regret your decision.”

The next morning was full of hustle and chaos.  Hop Sing was rushing in and out of the kitchen, getting sacks full of food ready for the trip on the stage, which was to leave at 11:00 a.m. Hoss pounded up and down stairs a half dozen times to retrieve forgotten items and stuff them in his carpetbag.   Finally, everything came together, and the buckboard was loaded with luggage, sleeping gear and supplies enough to keep them going for months.  Adam and Hoss said goodbye to Hop Sing.  He was still fretting that he might not have given them enough food, which made all the Cartwrights laugh. 

Hoss laid a big hand on Joe’s shoulder.  “Little brother, you take care and stay out of trouble.  I expect to come back to the same Ponderosa I left. 

Adam concurred.  “Amen to that.”

Joe dismissed their joshing remarks.  “Pa and I will do fine running the Ponderosa by ourselves.”

While Hoss and Joe were trading barbs, Adam went over to say goodbye to Ben.  “Thanks, Pa, for letting us be away for such a long time.  If I didn’t think this was what Hoss needed to do, I would not be doing it.”

Ben sighed.  “I know son, and that is why I am letting him go.  Maybe he does need to be connected more to Inger now.  You take care of him and yourself.  Even though you are grown men, I will still worry about you until you are home again.  Please give Rachel Simon my best, and thank her for caring enough to contact us.”

“I will, Pa.  I will get word back to you after we arrive in St. George, and when we leave and head on to Ash Hollow.” 

Hoss came over to say goodbye to his Pa.  “You take care of yourself, Hoss, and get home as soon as you can.  God bless and keep you both safe,” Ben told him.

“Thanks, Pa,” both men told him at the same time. 

They drove away in a hurry to catch the stage, and Ben and Joe watched until they were out of sight.  None of them could know how the upcoming events would affect their future as individuals or as a family.

A little over a week later, the stage pulled into St. George, Utah Territory.  For the last leg of the journey, Adam and Hoss were the only passengers.  When the stage came to a halt, Adam looked out and saw a petite, gray-haired woman standing near the railing of the stage office.  Even though it had been years since he saw her last, Adam knew immediately it was Rachel Simon.  There were several people with her.  He expected they were her children. 

Adam left the stage first, and when he stepped out, Mrs. Simon gasped.  “Adam, Adam Cartwright – is it you?”

“Yes, Mrs. Simon, it’s me, Adam.”  Mrs. Simon ran over to Adam and they both had tears in their eyes as they put their arms around each other. 

“Let me look at you.  I knew you were a handsome child, but you almost take my breath away.  You do remind me in many ways of your father.” 

Adam smiled widely.  “I take that as a compliment, ma’am.”

Adam heard Hoss’ voice as he stepped out of the stagecoach.  Adam turned to Rachel, “Mrs. Simon, this is my brother, Hoss Cartwright.”

Mrs. Simon held out her hand, and Hoss gripped it gently.  “I’m so happy to meet you.  Your brother was right.  You are a big, strong man.  You have your mother’s coloring and the same beautiful blue eyes.  Welcome to the Utah Territory.  Please come and meet my family, and then we will leave to go to our ranch outside of town.” 

Two of Mrs. Simon’s sons had come with her, and after the formal introductions, they loaded the supplies and baggage into the wagon.  They all piled in and left for the ranch to meet the rest of the family, get cleaned up and spend hours talking over old times.  Adam now knew that it had been a good idea to come. 

Mrs. Simon’s two daughters had prepared a feast fit for a king.  There was roast beef, ham, turkey, mashed and sweet potatoes, corn, homemade bread, biscuits with jam and honey, melon and three kinds of pies.  When Hoss saw the food, he said, “Hot diggity, I’m famished!  So what are the rest of you going to eat?”

Everyone burst into laughter, and Adam said to Mrs. Simon, “From a huge baby comes a huge man.” 

She shook her head, still laughing.

After the delicious meal, everyone retired to the sitting room and soon the talk turned to the past and all those years earlier when the wagon train had left St. Joe, Missouri. 

Mrs. Simon filled Adam in on the other members of the wagon party.  “Joe and Martha Payne eventually went on to California and settled in the central valley,” she said.  “If you remember, they had 4 children on that trip, and after Bobby died, they went on to have 2 more children.  They have 8 grandchildren now.  The Miller family stayed in Utah also and settled near the Great Salt Lake.  The Jacobs and the Jones went on to California and settled in the south.  It was a mighty scary time after the deaths of Mr. Wilkes and Mr. Rockwell.  I am truly sorry I lost track of Ben, you and your brother.”

“It’s all right.  I’m just glad we are reconnected now.  Seeing you and hearing all these names again makes me feel as if the years had washed away, and I am back there on the trail again.”

George Jr. told me that the Cartwrights own the biggest spread in Nevada, and that you have this enormous ranch house you all live in,” Mrs. Simon said.

“Hoss chimed in. “It is big, but it doesn’t really seem that way, ma’am.  Adam here designed the house we live in now.  He went back east to college and studied architecture and drew the plans for the house himself.  It is a beautiful place to live, ma’am.” 

Adam smiled as he listened to Hoss talk about the Ponderosa.  “Mama told Pa one day,’ Ben, you will plow and plant and build.  You will have a house and garden.  We will have those things.  We will have windows in the east and windows in the west – some for the sunrise and some for the sunset.’  Pa replied, ‘Inger, you make the impossible seem possible.’  I never forgot that, so when I was drawing up the plans for the house, I made sure we had windows in the east and windows in the west.  Every time I see a sunrise or sunset through those windows, I think of her.” 

Hoss stared at Adam for a long time.  He had never heard this story before.  He realized how much he still did not know about his father and brother.  They, like him, also kept many things close to their vests. 

Mrs. Simon told the Cartwright boys about her most vivid memory of that  journey.  “Hoss,” she said, “your father and Mr. Rockwell had gone to look for some Indians who had stolen some horses and supplies from the train.  Your mother assured your father that she would be fine.  A couple of hours after they left, Adam came running to our wagon and told me his mother needed help right now. 

I ran to your wagon, and she was in full-blown labor.  I told Adam to go back to my wagon and stay there.  Several hours later, you finally decided to come into the world.  When you cried, there was no mistaking it.  Everyone knew you had been born. 

Adam came running up to the wagon and asked if he could come in and see his new brother.  I asked him how he knew it was a brother.  He told me, ‘No girl could cry that loud.’  I laughed and so did Inger.  She told Adam to come in.  He did, and when he saw you, his eyes got big as saucers.  ‘Mama, he’s already half grown!’ he said.”

Adam and Hoss looked at each other and laughed and shook their heads.  Adam had often spoken about when Joe was a baby, but never about Hoss’ early days.

Mrs. Simon when on with her story.  “When your father and Mr. Rockwell got back to camp, my husband, George told Ben that the baby had been born.  He had a fine, healthy son.  You probably want to finish the story, now” she said to Adam.

Adam thought back to that night and looked at Hoss.  “When Pa came to the wagon and climbed in, Mama pulled the blanket back so Pa could see your face.  I told him, ‘Look at the size of him!’  Mama wanted to know if Pa was happy, and he said absolutely, he was so happy.  Then I wanted to know if I could name you.  Mama said she had always hoped to name you Eric after her father.  Then, being a six-year-old kid, I couldn’t let it go at that.  ‘But don’t you remember Uncle Gunnar asked us to name him Hoss?’ and Mama said that yes she did remember.  In the mountain country, that’s the name given to a big, friendly man.  So Pa’s solution was to give you both names and see which one would stick.”

Mrs. Simon’s son, George Jr. said, “Personally I think the correct name stuck!”  Everyone laughed, including Hoss. 

Adam said, “From the moment I laid eyes on Hoss there was no other name he could have.  Even if Hoss had not been one of his names, I still would have called him that myself.”

More stories were shared of their journey, and then Mrs. Simon said, “About two months after you were born, Hoss, we got to Ash Hollow where we were expecting to meet the Ryan Company.  The stationmaster told us they had waited as long as they could, but the captain got word from the Fort, they desperately needed the supplies they were carrying so they had to leave.  Several of the families blamed your father for the missed connection.  We all wondered what to do with the winter coming. Mr. Rockwell told us that might be the least of our problems.  We turned around and there were the Indians that Ben and Mr. Rockwell had gone after weeks before.  They were back with reinforcements.  Mr. Rockwell had killed one of the Indians before the others escaped, and they had followed us seeking revenge for his death.”

Hoss looked at Adam and could almost feel the pain coming from him as Mrs. Simon recounted the events.

She continued, “We all went into the station and started to get the guns ready for the men.  The women and children stayed under the tables or against the walls away from the windows.  Soon the Indians came down from the hills and charged the station.  We successfully held off their first attack, except for Mr. Rockwell, who got hit in the shoulder.  When he couldn’t shoot, your mother, Hoss, gave you, still wrapped in your blanket, to Adam, and I saw her say something to Adam.  Then she went over and picked up Mr. Rockwell’s gun and started to shoot Indians, too.

“The Indians were retreating, and Inger got up and turned around, and all of a sudden an arrow came through the window and struck her in the back.  Mr. Rockwell pulled most of the arrow out and she collapsed.  Adam yelled for your father.  He turned around and saw Inger on the floor.  He rushed over to her and took her in his arms.  She said, ‘I wanted to be there with you when you reached your new land.’

‘You will be, you will be.’  ‘No, Ben, the baby and Adam ….. Oh, Ben, it’s so cool.  I can see the snow on the mountains.  Oh, Ben, hold me.  Keep me warm ….. I love you …..’     Then she died in his arms.  Your father began to weep uncontrollably, and then he looked at Adam, who removed your blanket so your father could see you also.”                                                                                                                                          

Hoss looked over at Adam again.  His brother was staring straight ahead; tears glistened in his eyes.  Hoss reached over and squeezed Adam’s arm but didn’t say anything, because there was nothing that could be said to take that pain away.  Like with Emily and Marie, it was a pain that just had to be borne alone.

The evening was far along, and Mrs. Simon apologized for keeping them up so late after their long ride into St. George.  She showed Adam and Hoss the room they would stay in, and both were anxious to get some rest in a bed, after so many days on a stagecoach and in way stations.  As the brothers began to get ready for bed, Hoss mumbled something to Adam, and Adam asked him to repeat what he had said. 

“I guess it’s not really all that important, I just wanted to know what my mama said to you before she went to get Mr. Rockwell’s gun.  Do you remember, Adam?”

“Oh, yes, I remember every word she said.  She told me, ‘Adam, I want you to promise you will always look out for your brother.  No matter what happens to me or to your father, you will always take care of Hoss.’  I looked up at her and said, ‘I promise, Mama.’  Those were the last words I ever said to her.  A few minutes later she was dead, just as Mrs. Simon described it.  Even now, it is very difficult for Pa to talk about it, so I have always avoided the subject with him.  He loved Mama very much.” 

 “Thanks, Adam, for telling me.  I can see the same kind of pain in your face that I’m sure you saw in Pa’s face.  I know I must have been a handful many times to you and Pa.”

“No, Hoss, you have never been a burden to me or Pa. There has never been a moment I regretted making that promise to Mama.  She loved you so much, and it was the least I could do for all she had given to me in the short time we had together as mother and son.  But more than that, she left the greatest gift to Pa and me.  It was you, brother.” 

Hoss reached over and put his arm around Adam’s shoulder.  “Thanks, Adam.  I am the lucky one.  I have always known I could count on you, that you would always be there if I needed you.  I guess that does sound funny coming from a big galoot like me, but I hope ya know I never took your love for me for granted.  You have a very special place in my heart – a place that only belongs to you.”

Suddenly, the arm around the shoulder became a warm, generous and long embrace between the two brothers. 

Hoss said, “I think this enough of the warm fuzzie.  I’m really tired and need to get some sleep.  I’m already anticipating what goodies Mrs. Simon and her daughters have in store for breakfast.  Mmmmm, I can almost taste it already. “

Adam laughed.  “From a huge baby comes a huge man.  Goodnight, Hoss, See you in the morning.”

“Night, Adam.”

Adam woke the next morning with the smell of bacon frying.  He looked over and saw that Hoss was up and out of the room.  “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Adam chuckled to himself.  He got up and dressed and went to join everyone at the breakfast table. 

Hoss had been right.  There was a feast of dishes:  eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, biscuits, gravy, grits and peach and blueberry cobbler.  If the Simon’s keep cooking like this, he might never get Hoss out of Utah. 

Dora, Mrs. Simon’s youngest daughter spoke to Adam as he sat down at the table.  “Adam, Hoss is already on his second plate of food!  You’d best get what you want while there is still some here.”

“Thank you, Dora, but I am more than used to eating meals with Hoss.  Believe it or not, Pa, Joe and I do get enough to eat.

Adam filled his plate.  He enjoyed the food and company as much as he had the evening before.  After breakfast, Mrs. Simon’s three sons wanted to know if the Cartwrights were interested in taking a ride to see the rest of the ranch.  Mrs. Simon told them to take Hoss, but she wanted to do more catching up with Adam.  This would be a perfect chance to do it.  Hoss said he was ready to set a horse and do some riding.  Maybe it would help him forget the bumpy and uncomfortable stagecoach ride. 

When the men left and her daughters were busy cleaning up the breakfast dishes, Mrs. Simon went into her bedroom.  She soon came out with the carefully wrapped present that Inger had prepared so long ago for Adam.  She handed it to Adam.  He stared at it for a minute or so.  Mrs. Simon put her hand on Adam’s shoulder and told him she was going to go into the kitchen to help her daughters with the breakfast clean up.  He would have some privacy to open the gift.  Adam thanked her, and she slipped away, leaving him alone in the room.

He slowly untied the bow and removed the frayed and worn paper from the gift.  Sure enough, Rachel had been right.  It was a picture frame, and inside the frame was a daguerreotype of Inger.  Tears started to stream down Adam’s face – this was the first time he had ‘seen’ her in 23 years.  She was as beautiful as he remembered her all these years in his mind.  She was in her favorite blue dress that she saved for special occasions.

He stroked her face in the frame.  “Hello, Mama.  I have missed you so much.  There have been so many times I have thought about you over the years.  So much of you is in Hoss.  Sorry, I’m sure you would prefer I call him Eric, but if you could see him in person, you’d know how right Uncle Gunnar was about him.  He does look so much like you with those same blue eyes and that gentle, loving soul.” 

As Adam continued to stroke the picture, he felt something on the back and turned it over.  There was an envelope attached to the back of the frame.  It had Adam’s name on it.  He removed the envelope and opened it up.  He saw Inger’s handwriting and the tears welled in his eyes again.  After he composed himself, he began to read what she had written to him so long ago. 

My darling Adam:

While we were still in St. Joseph, Missouri, I was out shopping and saw this photographer’s shop.  He said he had brought the means from Europe to reproduce one’s image onto paper.  When he saw me looking in the window, he came out and asked me to come in.  When I went inside he told me he wanted to take my image.  I laughed at him and told him such things were not possible.  He said that a man named Daguerre had developed the science in France, and he was determined to introduce it in America.  He asked me to sit for him, and he would be able to reproduce my likeness onto this paper.  I told him I just had a simple blue dress on, and he told me it was fine.  No one would know the color anyway.  So I let him take my image, and this is how it turned out.  I wanted you to have this one, and I will give your father one, too.

The man who did this was so happy with the outcome; he did not charge me for the daguerreotype.  I am not sure how I feel about this, but I wanted you to have it to always remember your mother.  Even though I did not give birth to you like I did Eric, I love you with all my heart.  Not even after Eric was born did I feel that you were not my son.  I am so proud of you.  You are such a good boy and such a helper to your father and me.  I know that you are and will always be a good big brother to Eric.  I know I will never have to fear for Eric with you watching over him.

Merry Christmas, my darling son.  I look forward to the wonderful Christmases the four of us will have when we get to California and build our own home.

All my love,

Mama

Adam was overwhelmed by all the emotion he was feeling.  He had always prided himself on his stoic New England reserve, but this whole experience of basically reliving a crucial part of his childhood was rapidly tearing down that veil he kept between himself and other people.  He kept rereading the letter and looking at her handwriting, and he almost felt as if he were that little boy again.  He was very glad that Hoss was out and could not see his big brother as he was right now.  He reread the words, ‘Everyday, I know that you are and will always be a good big brother to Eric.  I know I will never have to fear for Eric with you watching over him.’ The idea came to him then. 

Mama had written a letter to him which left the back of the picture untouched.  It was a wonderful opportunity.  Adam hurried to find Rachel Simon and asked her to come to the sitting room; he would like her to do him a favor. 

“Adam what is it,” she wanted to know.  He showed Mrs. Simon the picture frame and the daguerreotype of Inger.  “So, I was right,” she said.

“Yes, you were, and Mama also had an envelope addressed to me on the back of the frame.”  He showed Mrs. Simon the letter.  As she read it, her eyes too glistened with tears. 

“This is so typical of your mother, Adam.  She always put everyone and their feelings first.  She truly was a wonderful woman.”

“Yes, she was.”

“So how do you want me to help you, Adam?”

 “As you can see the back of the picture is blank.  Hoss knows my handwriting, so I would like you to write to Hoss on the back of the picture.  I will write out what I want you to say, and he will think it was from Mama.  This is how I can help Hoss feel closer to her and to know that she loved him very much also even though he never got to know her when she was alive.”

“I think this is a splendid idea, Adam, and I will be more than happy to help Inger’s two sons.”

Thank you, Mrs. Simon.  When I was growing up we learned in church that there were sins of commission and sins of omission, and sometimes sins of omission were acceptable under certain circumstances, and I think we have a chance to rectify a very small sin of omission here, don’t you?”

Adam quickly composed what he wanted Mrs. Simon to write.  He handed it to her, and she began to write out what Adam had written.

My darling Eric:

Even though you are just an infant now, I wanted you to have this picture of me so that every time you look at it you will know how much your mother loves you.  No matter where I am or how far apart we are, when you look at this you will know your mother is always with you looking out for you.  The happiest day of my life was the day you were born.  I will always be grateful God blessed me with such a strong, beautiful son like you.  You are always in my heart.

Your loving Mother

Tears stung Mrs. Simon’s eyes as she finished writing Adam’s words on the back of Inger’s daguerreotype.  She told Adam how truly special she thought this was. 

Adam said, “Like I told you in the letter I sent to you, whatever I have given to Hoss, he has given me back tenfold.  Hoss has had a lot of tragedy in his young life, including his fiancée who looked amazingly like Mama.  She died of consumption last year.  So if this helps to heal his heart from what happened with Emily, then it is the least I can do for him.”

“Inger was right about another thing, Adam.  She would never have to fear for Hoss with you looking out for him.  Now let’s get this wrapped up again, and when my sons and Hoss return, I will give him his gift from his mother.” 

Adam smiled at the thought of what this would mean to Hoss.

Mrs. Simon and her daughters were busy making lunch when the men returned.  There was beef stew, homemade bread and cake.  George Simon, Jr. exclaimed, “Ma, Hoss said about 3 miles from the house that you were cooking beef stew and making bread and cake, and I told him he was loco.  None of us smelled anything.  But sure enough here it all is.  How did you know that, Hoss?”

Adam interrupted.  “Don’t even ask; you wouldn’t believe it anyway.” 

Hoss laughed loudly.  “Older brother, you might just be right about that.”

They all enjoyed the luncheon Mrs. Simon and her daughters had prepared.  Then, while Adam and Hoss went into the sitting room, Mrs. Simon spoke to all her children in the kitchen.  She told them there was going to be a special gift given to Hoss, and she wanted the two brothers to be alone with it, so she asked her family to stay away from them until it was over.  They agreed, and Mrs. Simon went into the sitting room and told Hoss that she had found a Christmas present that Inger had done for Hoss and had given to her for safekeeping.  She had forgotten about it until her husband’s death, which led her to going through an old trunk they had brought with them from St. Joe.  She found the present tucked away in the trunk.    She went into her room and retrieved the present.  She came back and handed it to Hoss. 

 Hoss turned a puzzled look on Adam.  With a smile, Adam told him to go ahead and open it up. 

Hoss removed the wrapping, and his eyes got big as stars, and his mouth fell open.  He quickly showed it to Adam and asked, “This is my mother?”

“Yes, Hoss.  That is Inger, your mother.”

“Golly Adam, she is as beautiful as you and Pa always said she was. Do you think I look like her?”

“Yes I do Hoss. You favor her and have the same blue eyes.”

Hoss could not stop staring at the photograph. He could not believe he was really looking at a picture of his real mother; although she did strongly resemble the woman who had come to him in his dream when he was alone in the canyon after learning of Emily’s impending death. He could not take his eyes off her, and finally he turned the photo over and saw handwriting on it. “Adam, something is written here.”

“Why yes there is. I assume you are going to read it?”

“Golly sakes, of course I am.” Hoss started to read the words on the back of the photograph but could only make it through a few words before he handed it to Adam.

“I must have something in my eye, and I can’t see it too well.  Would you read it to me, Adam?”

Adam read the words he had written for Mrs. Simon to copy, hoping silently that God would forgive his transgression.  He handed it back to Hoss, who kept saying over and over, “I can’t believe that I am looking into the face of my own mother.”

“Well, brother, you are, and I hope you know now that not only did Marie love you, but Mama loved you too.”

“Yes, I see that now.  Gosh, Adam, what are the odds of Mrs. Simon finding this present after all these years?  It is almost like divine …. What’s that word?”

“I believe you are looking for the word ‘intervention’. 

“Yeah, that’s the word, ‘intervention’.  I am going to keep this with me always.  Wait until I show it to Pa and Joe.  Won’t they be surprised?”

After a few more pleasant days at the Simon’s ranch spent reminiscing and eating until they almost burst, Adam announced that it was time they were moving on.  He planned to leave in the morning – ‘right after breakfast.’   Hoss sighed with relief that he would have one more of their delicious meals to savor, and everyone laughed. 

Adam and Hoss went into the sitting room to finish their coffee, and Hoss asked Adam if they were going to be heading home now?

“No, Hoss.  I did not tell you before now, but there is one more place I want to take you.  I think you will be more open to it now, since you have come to know the Simons and have your own picture of Mama.”

Hoss looked puzzled.  “Adam, what other place is there to go?”

“Yesterday, I went into town and bought tickets for the stage to Lewellen in the Nebraska Territory.  It is the town closest to Ash Hollow, where Mama is buried.  I wanted to take you to see her grave there.” 

Hoss got very quiet.  He got up from his chair and went to the window.  “I’ve been to Mama’s grave a hundred times, up near the lake.  It has always brought me comfort to go and talk to her and know she is there.”

“Hoss, just like I told you when you saw Mama’s picture and I read you what she wrote to you, nothing will change with how you feel about Marie.  She will always be your mother, and you will always love her.  But now you will have something to connect you to Mama’s last resting place, and there can be closure for you and her.  In your dream you saw Inger, your own mother, come to you.  When you saw her picture, you knew that was the same woman who had come to you in your dream.  Please come with me to Ash Hollow, and we will finish this journey together.”

“All right, Adam.  It always has been hard to say no to you, especially when you get that look on your face.”

Adam laughed.  “I thought only Pa believed that.  Guess I am more transparent than I thought.  We should turn in early.  The stage leaves at 9:00 a.m.”

After a fitful night’s sleep, Adam and Hoss got up, dressed and packed for the next leg of their journey.  After a hearty breakfast that Hoss knew he was going to miss terribly once he left, he thanked each of the Simons for the generous hospitality.  When he came to Rachel Simon, he had tears in his eyes.  “Mrs. Simon, if’n I had the words to express how I feel, I’m not sure I could do it.  I will never be able to thank you enough for what you gave me – that you cared enough about my Pa and Adam and my Ma to contact Adam about finding something for me from her.  I had always wanted to have something of her to be with me, and now, because of you, I have that.  Like my Ma says, ‘you will always be in my heart.’”

Mrs. Simon looked over at Adam, who was smiling, and she smiled back and told Hoss, “I’m so glad I found this present and that my son found out where the Cartwrights ended up.  I hope you don’t think I am too bold if I say that I would not be surprised if Inger herself did not have a hand in this.”

“Ma’am, from everything Adam and you have said about my Ma, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if that were not true.”  Hoss bent down and kissed Mrs. Simon on the cheek and thanked her again.  He left to take the bags and supplies to the wagon with Mrs. Simon’s sons.

 Adam took her hands in his and told her, “Hoss was right.  There are no words to express how grateful we all are for what you have done.  It has been years since I thought about the wagon train that brought us out west, and I am glad to have had the opportunity to share it with someone again, after all these years.  Even though the journey ended in unbearable sadness, it started out with such incredible joy when we met Inger at that general store in Illinois and she became part of our lives.  With Mama it was always about giving to others.  Even now, all these years after her death, she is still giving to others – this time to her own son.”

“Adam, I wanted you to know I think what you did for Hoss was one of the finest gestures I have ever seen in my life.  That you would give up the picture she left for you and make it seem as if she left it for Hoss was more than I think most of us could have ever thought to do under the same circumstances.  She was so right to be as proud of you as she was.  She would truly be proud of the man you turned out to be.  Your father is lucky to have you for a son, and your brothers are lucky to have you for their older brother, too.  Thank you so much for coming here to see me.  I will never forget our visit.”

“Nor will I, Mrs. Simon.  You know how to get a hold of us now.  Please write again when you can, and if you are ever near Virginia City, please come and see us.  I know Pa would love to see you again, and I would like for you to meet Joe, as well.”

“Adam, I will definitely keep that in mind.  Now you need to leave if you are going to catch the stage into Nebraska.”

As the wagon pulled away, Adam and Hoss turned around and waved good-bye to Mrs. Simon, who mouthed the words, “God bless you Cartwright boys.”  As they drove out of sight, Rachel Simon smiled.  “Inger, I hope you are as happy as I am right this minute.

The Cartwright brothers had almost two weeks travel ahead of them on the stage to get to Lewellen, Nebraska.  Hoss complained loudly about the rotten stage line food in comparison to the Simon’s sweet home cooking.  Adam rolled his eyes, “Let me see, this is only the 50th time you’ve complained since we left Utah.  We only have a few days left, and then we will be at our destination.  Where is this adventurous spirit you always seem to have when you go out with Joe?”

Hoss shrugged.  “I know.  It’s not that I don’t wanna be going.  It’s strange when you have heard stories about something off and on your whole life.  What if I don’t feel anything when I get there?  Does that make me a terrible person if I don’t grieve over my own Ma’s grave?”

 “Hoss whatever you feel is okay.  There is no rule as to how to feel seeing a grave marker.  Mama is in heaven along with my mother and Marie.  Don’t worry about this.  When the time comes, you will know how to feel.” 

Hoss seemed relieved after Adam got done talking.  But he usually did feel better once Adam explained things.  He was always good at it, and Adam never let him down.  Pa once said, ‘If Adam says it, you can pretty much take it to the bank.’ 

Finally, after what seemed a month on four different stage lines, they pulled into the town of Lewellen.  Adam said it was best they get a room at the hotel to clean off their trail dust, get a decent meal and rest for the night before heading on to Ash Hollow.  All Hoss heard was hotel and meal, and he was ready to agree. 

The next morning, Adam woke first and got dressed.  He left a note telling Hoss he was going to the livery stable to rent some horses and get directions to Ash Hollow from the town.  He would meet him back at the hotel for breakfast. 

About an hour later, Adam returned to the hotel and went into the restaurant where he saw Hoss sitting at the table already eating.  He laughed and shook his head.  “Couldn’t wait for me, huh, brother?”

Hoss started speaking with his mouth full and then stopped and swallowed.  “Sorry, Adam.  I was so famished I could not wait.”

“I see;  the three steaks, four boiled potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, grits, biscuits and three pieces of cherry pie wasn’t enough to hold you over from last night?”

Hoss thought a minute, savoring the memory of that great meal.  “No, ‘fraid not!”

Adam shook his head bemused.  His words held a hint of sarcasm when he said, “So, I guess the eggs, bacon, ham, steak, fried potatoes, grits and biscuits with gravy on the table here will take care of that now?”

“It’s a start, anyway.  Sit down brother.  There is plenty more where this came from.  When the waitress asked me if I had enough to pay for all this food, I said sure, because my brother is paying for it.  He brought me on this trip, so I am just sitting back and enjoying the ride.” 

“I guess it is a good thing I brought enough money with me to cover your meals.  I have a new appreciation for Hop Sing after taking this trip with you.”

“Well, Adam, I’m still a growing boy after all ….”

“Whatever you say, Hoss.”

When they finished breakfast and paid the bill, the brothers got on their rented horses and left for Ash Hollow.  It was about 25 miles south of Lewellen across the North Platte River along the old Oregon Trail.  It would take most of the day to get there.  As they rode along, several landmarks looked familiar to Adam.  It was if the years were beginning to wash away, and his mind was going back to those days on the trail, so long ago. 

Hoss looked over at Adam and asked if he could remember being here before. 

“Yes, I can,” Adam answered.  I remember helping Pa drive the team and Mr. Rockwell coming up next to our wagon and saying what a good job I was doing. I would hear Mama in the back of the wagon singing lullabies to you.  Sometimes Pa would go back and be with the two of you, and I would be driving the team by myself.  Course, the team knew to just keep following the wagon ahead,” Adam chuckled.  “It all seems like a hundred years ago now, and yet, in some ways, it feels almost like yesterday.”

In the late afternoon, as they came up over a large ridge, Adam looked down and there it was:  The Ash Hollow station still standing.  It looked as it had over 20 years before.  Even though he was happy to have made it back here, he was still reluctant to revisit those deep wounds made when Pa and he and Hoss had lost their beloved wife and mother.  Adam looked at Hoss, “Well, brother, this is it.  Ash Hollow – when Mama’s life ended and the rest of our lives in the West began.”

 Slowly Adam and Hoss rode to the front of the station, got down and tied their horses.  They went inside and looked around to see if anyone was there.  No one was present at the moment, and Adam began to walk around.  He looked at the windows where Pa and the other men had fought the Indians.  He turned around and walked to the table where the women had loaded the guns for their husbands.  He went over to the corner and said softly to Hoss, “When the Indians started to shoot, Mama and I came over here to get out of the line of fire.  She was holding you in your blanket, and it was the scariest thing I had ever been through.  She kept telling me everything would be okay.  Pa would not let anything happen to us.

“Then Mr. Rockwell got shot, and she handed you to me and told me to always take care of you, no matter what.  Then she went over and took Mr. Rockwell’s place at the window.  As the Indians retreated an arrow got her in the back.  She died in Pa’s arms right where you are standing now.  I know I already told you this, but seeing the place where it happened has made it all real for me again.”  Adam started to rub his hand over the area where he and his mother had been crouching that day.  Tears came to his eyes as if he could still touch her and feel her against him again. 

Hoss came over and put his hand on Adam’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry, Adam, that you have to relive all this again on account of me.”

Adam looked up with a shaky smile.  “No, Hoss, I wanted you to see this, and I’m glad we came.  It is getting late, and we should bed down here for the night.  In the morning, I will take you to her grave.”

Soon the stationmaster came back and saw the two horses tied to the hitching post.  He came in, and Adam introduced himself and Hoss to the man.  Adam told him that he and his parents and baby brother had been on the wagon train from St. Joseph, Missouri and were to have met the Ryan Company, but the Company had left a couple of days before their wagon train arrived. 

The man told them that he was the son of that very stationmaster who greeted them in 1836, and he remembered his father telling him of their wagon train – mainly because Indians had attacked the station, and two people were killed: a woman named Cartwright and the wagon master, Rockwell.  Adam and Hoss looked at one another.  “That woman was our mother.  Her name was Inger Cartwright.  She and Mr. Rockwell were buried outside the station a ways down.”

“I’m so sorry; of course I didn’t connect the names.”

Adam told him it was okay.  He had no way of knowing they were relatives.  “I brought my brother with me so he could see his mother’s grave for the first time.  I hope nothing has happened to it in all these years.”

“No, sir.  My father kept up the graves until he turned over the station to me, and he asked me to take care of them, and I always have.”

Adam and Hoss shook his hand and thanked him for taking care of their mother’s grave.  “If it is okay with you, we will bed down here for the night and go and see the graves in the morning,” Adam told him. 

“No problem, Mr. Cartwright.  There are beds in each room over here, and no one else is here right now.  I will make up some chow for supper and will let you know when it is time to eat.  I will take care of your horses, and there is a well of good water out back, if you want to get washed up.  Again, I’m sorry about your mother.”

Adam thanked him for his hospitality, and he and Hoss set about getting ready for supper.  Everyone was unusually quiet over the meal.  They ate in silence, and when it was over, they went to their respective rooms for the night.  Adam came over to Hoss and put his hand on his shoulder and said, “Good night, brother.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

Hoss smiled weakly.  “Yea, Adam, see ya in the morning.”

Adam tossed and turned most of the night, worried that Hoss would not do as well as he hoped when he saw his mother’s grave for the first time.  If truth were told, he was worried about how he would take it too.  He remembered how Mrs. Simon and Mrs. Payne had dressed him up in his only suit and hat, and he and Pa stood by Inger’s grave after the rest of them had gone.  He could still remember the words his Pa said as if it were yesterday.  “Goodbye, Inger, my love.”  But he told himself it was still the best thing for Hoss to do.  Maybe it was best for him, as well.

Morning finally came, and Adam could smell the bacon and eggs cooking.  He got up and dressed and found Hoss already at the table, drinking some coffee.  Neither man felt much like eating, and after finishing breakfast, they excused themselves. 

The stationmaster asked Adam is he knew where the graves were located, and Adam assured him.  “Oh, yes, I still remember very clearly where they are.”

So Adam and Hoss left to do what had brought them all the way into the Nebraska Territory.  The graves were about a quarter mile from the station, and Adam knew they were buried next to a tree.  Soon Adam saw the tree.  “It’s right over there, Hoss, next to that tree.”

Hoss stopped and said to Adam, “Why don’t you go first.  I know you would like some time alone, and then, when you are finished, come and get me.”

When Adam got to the tree, there were the graves just as neat as could be, exactly as the stationmaster said they were.  Adam also noticed there were new markers on the graves with the names carved into them along with the year of their death.  He made a mental note to thank the stationmaster for doing this for strangers to him.  He silently thanked Hoss for letting him have a time alone with their mother. 

As Adam bent to his knees, he began to cry softly.  He rubbed his hand over the grave marker:  Inger Cartwright.  Died 1836.  Age 25 years.  “Oh, Mama, it is so good to see you again.  I can’t even begin to tell you all that has happened to Hoss and me on this trip coming here.  We never got to California, Mama.  We ended up in the Nevada Territory outside a town called Virginia City.  Pa worked and sweated for years to build his ranch.  We call it the Ponderosa.  I went to college and studied architecture, and when I did the blueprints for the house we built on our land, I made sure it had those windows in the east and windows in the west, so there would be some for the sunrise and some for the sunset.

“Hop Sing, our cook, has the most beautiful and bountiful garden you’d ever want to see.  Pa realized all his dreams; if only you had been there to share them with us.”  Adam laughed.  “I just realized I had called Hoss ‘Hoss’ instead of Eric.  Do you remember when Pa said we would give him both names and would see which one would stick?  Well, Mama, if you could see the size of your son, you would know why the name Hoss stuck instead of Eric.  I remember one time when we had guests at the house, and Pa introduced his sons as Adam, Eric and Joseph.  Little Joe demanded to know who Eric was.  We had a great laugh over that.  We still kid Joe about that today.  I’ll let Hoss tell you more about Joe. 

“I want to thank you so much for the picture that you had planned on giving me for Christmas.  Rachel, Mrs. Simon, found it in a trunk after her husband died last year, and she wrote to me after her son was in Virginia City and found out there was a family named Cartwright living on a ranch outside of town.  So Hoss and I went to St. George, Utah where they had settled, and she gave me the present, and there was your picture in a frame and the letter you had written with it.

“I will never be able to tell you how much that meant to me, and how I will treasure your letter forever.  But I did not keep the picture, Mama.  I had Rachel write up something on the back of the picture as if you had written it to Hoss, so he would think the picture was a gift to him from you.  I felt like I had to do it in order to help Hoss who was still hurting terribly from the death of his fiancée last year.  She looked so much like you, and I thought if there was any way that Hoss could understand why Emily had been so important to him it would help him begin to heal from the loss.”

As Adam rubbed his hand one last time over his mother’s name he said softly, “Pa loves you, and I will always love you.  Thank you for taking a five-year-old boy and giving your love so freely to him, and thank you for giving me the best brother any boy could have asked for.  I have always tried to be the son you would have been proud of and have always watched out for Hoss just like you asked me.  I don’t know when I will get this way again, but know you are always in my heart.”

Adam got up and looked one last time at his mother’s grave.  Then he went to get Hoss.  He told Hoss he was going to take a walk around the area and then wait for him at the other side of a large shade tree some distance from the graves to give him privacy.  Hoss thanked him and went up to the graves. 

Adam walked around and remembered playing with the other children from the wagon train as the adults decided what their next move would be.  He was so glad he had made the decision to come to Ash Hollow – as much for himself as for Hoss.  After a while he started back to the tree.  A few minutes after he returned, Hoss came out to the tree where Adam was standing.  Adam could see Hoss had been crying from the redness of his eyes. He asked, “Are you all right, Hoss?”

 “Yes, I’m all right.  You were right, Adam.  I’m glad I came here to see Ma’s grave.  There is a sense of peace and tranquility here that I not only feel for her, but for Emily, too.  It was like I was at Emily’s grave also.  I know that sounds crazy, don’t it?”

“No, Hoss, it doesn’t sound crazy at all.  There were so many similarities between Mama and Emily.  I knew that if you could come to terms with your own mother’s death and not being able to say goodbye to her it would help you to let Emily rest in peace.  Now, for the rest of your life, Hoss, you will have this picture of Mama to look at and know that she loved you from the moment you were born and that she still loves you, even if you cannot see her.  You will know that Emily is with her, and they are both looking out for you.”

I know that now, Adam, and thanks again for doing all of this for me.  I’ll never forget you for this.”

“Don’t worry, brother, there will be plenty of times that you can make it up to me.”  They both laughed, and Adam told Hoss that it was almost lunchtime; they should get back to the station. Suddenly they both were hungry.  With one last look back at their mother’s grave, the brothers left with arms around each other.

Ben and Joe were at the stage line to meet Adam and Hoss, who were scheduled in on the 3:00 p.m. stage.  Joe kept kidding Ben about acting like a mother hen. 

“Young man, one day when you marry and have children, you will understand what it is like to have two of them gone for almost two months.  Then you will know what I am feeling.”

Joe nodded sheepishly.  “Yes, Pa.”  Finally the stagecoach arrived, and Adam and Hoss emerged last from the coach.  They saw Joe headed for them.   Hoss picked him up and gave him a bear hug.  Adam shook his hand and then went over to Ben.

“Hello, Pa, nice to be home again.”

Ben took Adam’s hand and drew him in and gave him a hug.  Adam responded in kind. 

“It is so good to see you, son.  Did everything go all right?”
“Pa, it could not have gone better.  We will fill you in when we get back to the Ponderosa.”

Ben then went over and greeted Hoss with a handshake and a hug, too.  Joe got the luggage and supplies from the stagecoach and put them in the buckboard.  The Cartwrights started back for the Ponderosa.

When they got home, Hop Sing had a huge feast ready for them.  Every kind of food that Hoss liked was on the table.  He turned to all of them and said, “Okay, so what are you guys going to eat?”  Hop Sing started muttering in Chinese, and Ben said for everyone to get washed up or Hop Sing might end up throwing the food out.  Hoss and Joe ran to the washhouse.

Adam knew Hoss would tell Joe everything about their trip, so with the two of them alone, Adam told Ben about the picture of Inger, and the letter she had written him, and what he had done with Rachel Simon’s help to make the present be from Inger to Hoss instead of to him.  Ben was overwhelmed by the idea that there was a daguerreotype of Inger that they could look at and keep.  He also wondered what had happened to the one she was going to give to him.  But, no matter, he was just incredibly proud that Adam cared enough for Hoss to make such an unselfish gesture.  But Ben knew that Inger had been as good an influence on Adam as he had ever been.  Even though he was not Inger’s real son, he was so much like her in so many of the same ways Hoss was.

Soon Hoss and Joe returned to the house.  Joe ran over to Ben and showed him Inger’s picture.  “Hoss showed this to me, and he wanted you to see it, too.” 

Hoss told Joe that he had wanted to give the picture to Ben himself. 

“Oh, sorry, Hoss.  I just got so excited I forgot.”

Adam left to go wash up for supper.  Ben took the picture and stared at it for the longest time.  It brought back all kinds of emotions in him, and it brought tears to his eyes as he rubbed his hand over Inger’s face. 

Hoss motioned for Joe to come with him, and they left Ben alone with his thoughts.

Ben whispered softly, “Inger, my love.” 

Soon Adam returned, and Hop Sing started to bring the food to the table.  Ben asked Hoss what he was going to do with the daguerreotype, and Hoss said, “I am going to set it on the nightstand next to my bed along with Mama’s picture so that every morning they will be the first thing I see and every night they will be the last thing I look at.  Then I will know how lucky I was to have two women who loved me so much.  You can’t ask for anything better than that, can you?”

Ben, Adam and Joe answered in unison, “No, it could never get better than that.”

They said grace and reveled in all the food Hop Sing had prepared and in the fact that they were all together again, more whole than ever before.

Epilogue

With Hoss’s permission and blessing, Adam sent the daguerreotype of Inger to New York where he had prints made, and on Ben’s birthday in 1861, the boys presented the print of Inger’s photo as their gift to him.  When he opened the box and saw the photo, tears came to his eyes and he literally could not express to them what it meant for him to have this. He excused himself and went to his bedroom where he opened his dresser drawer and took out a package. He brought the package downstairs and set it on the dining room table. He opened the package and in it was the same kind of frame as the ones he had for Elizabeth’s portrait and Marie’s photo.  He told the boys he had always hoped somehow, someday he would have one with Inger there too. He took the daguerreotype print of Inger and placed it in the frame and walked over to his desk and separated the frames of Elizabeth and Marie and in the middle put the one of Inger. He turned to the boys and told them nothing they could have given him would ever have meant as much to him as this. Now he truly had his Elizabeth, Inger and Marie… my loves.

                                      THE END

I want to thank Gwynne Logan and Lillian Lieberman for being my editors and shaping this story into a readable form.  To Martha Gilmore for reading the story and critiquing it. This story would not have been possible without your assistance.

I dedicate this story to Pernell Roberts and Dan Blocker. They brought a true and genuine brother relationship to the characters of Adam and Hoss Cartwright. Whether it was when you saw Adam look at Elmer Olsen in The Jury after what he had put Hoss through or when Hoss puts his arm around Adam at the end of The Dark Gate and She Walks in Beauty, they took their character’s relationship to a different level. I wrote this story as a tribute to their amazing talent and for all the years of happiness they have brought to the millions of fans around the world who have watched them together on the Ponderosa. Thanks for the memories.

Pernell Roberts: 1928-2010 and Dan Blocker: 1928-1972

Gone but never forgotten. You will always be in our hearts.

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